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Does not have a friend in Jesus.

This dumb ritual happens every year, called the National Prayer Breakfast. It’s a bipartisan shindig, where politicians on both sides of the aisle, of all faiths, can come together and agree to spend the morning praying to Jesus. It’s super evangelical, run by a creepy cult of right-wing dominionist Christians called The Family. So obviously our secular government should embrace it as a tradition, right? ANYWAY.

Donald Trump got to go to his first National Prayer Breakfast on Thursday morning, and instead of doing like a common Obama, making nice speeches about faith and family, while the wingnuts in attendance rock back and forth and pray for the unborned babies, Trump urged everybody to pray REALLY HARD … for Arnold Schwarzenegger to get better ratings on “The Celebrity Apprentice,” because that’s what these folks really care about. Trump’s point, of course, is that he had much yooooger ratings, because he is tremendous and terrific and big league. (He also still is an executive producer of the program, so it baffles us why he shits on it all the time. Oh yeah, because Trump is a dumb blowhard loser with thin skin, and also bad at business.)

Let us pray:

They hired a big, big movie star, Arnold Schwarzenegger, to take my place. And we know how that turned out. The ratings went down the tubes, it’s been a total disaster, and Mark [Burnett] will never, never bet against Trump again. I want to just pray for Arnold, if we can, for those ratings.

And bless Hot Ivanka and Sexy Jared and dumb Melania and whatever the youngest child’s name is, I don’t know who these people are, but they’re great, God, they’re fantastic, just like me, God will never bet against Trump either, unlike Mark and the other haters and losers. And if I die before I wake, I pray for all the gold-plating to fall off the faucets at Trump Tower, no nobody can take luxurious baths like Trump takes ever again. And if it be your will, God, this afternoon I think I’m going to grab some pussy.

Bing bong, Two Corinthians, in Jesus’s name, AMEN.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has more experience than Trump does both in TV and in government, and who is no stranger to being goaded into pissing contests by the shithead in the White House, responded on Twitter:

 

Hey Donald, I have a great idea. Why don’t we switch jobs? You take over TV, because you’re such an expert in ratings, and I’ll take over your job, so people can finally sleep comfortably again.

We’d be fine with a President Schwarzenegger at this point. Why not? Half the country would think he’s the second foreign-born president anyway.

Anyway, Trump was very bad at the National Prayer Breakfast. But he presumably made the wingnuts very happy when he said he would get rid of the Johnson Amendment, you know, that pesky little thing that says pastors can’t endorse political candidates, lest they lose their tax-exempt status:

I will get rid of and totally destroy the Johnson Amendment and allow our representatives of faith to speak freely and without fear of retribution. I will do that, remember. Freedom of religion is a sacred right, but it [is] also a right under threat, all around us, and the world is under serious, serious threat, in so many different ways, and I’ve never seen it so much and so openly as since I took the position of president.

Gibberish. The man speaks like a preschooler on meth.

Trump also threw a delicious Milkbone to the religious right when he said, “I want to express clearly today to the American people that my administration will do everything in its power to defend and protect religious liberty in our land.” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? It means the Trump administration is doubling down on the idiot philosophy of Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch, who believes your doctor or pharmacist or local Hobby Lobby shouldn’t have to give you birth control if they think it would make Baby Jesus cry in his crib. It ALSO means they will protect extremist Christian cake-bakers and flower arrangers who think they will burn in hell if they provide services for Adam and Steve’s wedding. So, hooray! (To any gays who think Trump’s statement about supporting the gay community meant ANYTHING, Wonkette just wants to let you know that no matter how cute you are, you’re too dumb to fuck.)

Hey CNN, tell us one more funny thing about Trump at the National Prayer Breakfast:

The keynote speaker at the National Prayer Breakfast was Barry Black, the chaplain of the United States Senate. […]

“Thank you as well to senator chaplain Barry Black for his moving words,” he said.

Trump added: “I don’t know, chaplain, whether that’s an appointed position? Is that an appointed position? I don’t know if you’re Democrat or Republican, but I’m appointing you for another year. The hell with it.”

To many, especially the religious leaders in the room, “hell” is a swear word.

LOL idiot. This is why Mormons and evangelicals say things like OH MY HECK! and HOLY MOTHERFUCKING HECK! all the time. Because H-E-L-L is where the Devil lives with the gays and the ‘bortionists, and you AREN’T ‘POSED TO SAY THAT.

Anyway, we don’t know why Trump comes off as such a fraud when he has to do Christian-y things, maybe he is a Muslim from Kenya, the end.

[Washington Post / CNN]

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  • WomanInTheResistance

    Well H. E. DOUBLE HOCKEYSTICKS.

  • Jack

    First Prayer Breakfast, he broke his fast of prayer. Dear Creator please send the asteroid of Righteous Indignation to cleanse the earth of this shithead! Amen.

  • Swampay

    OT: A friend points out that Dear Leaders name anagrams to Lord Dampnut.

    • MynameisBlarney

      I’d say that was quite ON topic.

    • Crank Tango

      So he pisses on his nuts a lot. It could happen to anyone with a tiny pecker.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        He does not! He has Russian hookers do it for him.

      • jowgajen

        It could just be the diapers.

  • Blacktop Autumn

    Seriously, I know he’s a fucking degenerate fucking a goodly portion of the entire country in the ass, but I still wake up every morning and wonder what dumb clown shoes thing Cheetolini is gonna do today.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      C’mon! Ass fucking libelz.

  • Roadstergal

    What sort of dystopian hellhole am I living in, when Ahnuld would not only be an upgrade, but a _substantial_, orders-of-goddam magnitude, log scale upgrade?

    • WomanInTheResistance

      It’s not much of a dystopian hellhole , but I call it home.

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        A little paint, some nice curtains, and you’d hardly notice the smoking craters.

        • WomanInTheResistance

          I’m finding i can disguise the smoldering ruins of civilization with a clever use of decoupage. And scented candles.

          • Naytch

            A little Vicks under the nose…

        • Jeffery Campbell

          A can of gay spray and a couple of torso sculptures and it’s home!

    • cheetojeebus

      Not just Ahnuld. Lyndsay Lohan on Australian radio recently when asked about Trump’s comments in 2004 about her suitability for crazy sex.

      “I wish him the best. We live in a world of societies that consistently find fault in people. I think it’s a really scary factor. Taking someone else down is never the answer, and I think we all know that.”

      • Suttree

        I’m glad she didn’t get all political. She might lose her fan base.

        • cmd resistor

          Seems like I read she was doing something humanitarian of sorts in Australia. Forget what it was but I was slightly surprised. Sorry but the extra alcohol is hell on the brain memory cells.

        • Jeffery Campbell

          Fan, singular.

    • goonemeritus

      Not even close, I would gladly dig up Jame Buchanan and be grateful for the relative improvement.

      • LucindathePook

        At least he’d be good for the gheys.

  • BMW
    • Blacktop Autumn

      Could you imagine what some responsible leader things when they get done talking to this rampaging idiot?

      • Suttree

        Where’s the booze?

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        “Who’s the government official I like the least? Okay, that person talks to him next time.”

    • schmannity

      Jackson and Jackass.

      • Nockular cavity

        The statue at the window is ALSO of Jackson. He must really like that guy, what with all the genocide and everything.

    • SterWonk

      Jimmy and Gretchen LIBEL!!!

      (Actually, I’ve never watched the show, but I’ve heard generally good things.)

    • Suttree

      What a fucking slob. His desk at Turnip tower was just as bad. I assume he’s trying to make it look like he’s doing something.

      • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

        He’s messing up THE PEOPLE’S DESK!!1111!

    • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

      Those curtains are as awful as he is; also, what is with the bronco buster statue on the desk?

  • Mavenmaven

    People should be able to read Trump by now. When he says “I won’t overturn LGBT rights”, he means he will appoint people who will do it for him.

  • memzilla Ω
  • fawkedifiknow

    Trump may be the only person in the world who would be more intelligible if he spoke in tongues.

    • Wild Cat

      He thinks that’s eating hoo-hah! He never goes there . . .

  • FlownOver

    “…whatever the youngest child’s name is…”

    Damien. Pretty sure it’s Damien.

  • Shoto

    Since we’re on the subject, we should pray to Babby Jeezuz for Preznit Tangerine’s bold, new initiative for NASA.

    https://twitter.com/TrumpDraws/status/827207458267422720

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I will never get tired of these.

  • Proud Liberal
  • Suttree

    Next on the agenda will be federal grants to support Christianity, because they are so downtrodden and oppressed.

    • cmd resistor

      They can use the federal money they get back from USC Berkeley.

  • therblig
    • Suttree

      Why do they have a cute squirrel(?) as a grotesque?

  • Snuff

    Bu-but I thought the Moozlamics are gonna bring on the theocracy??? How can it be possible, that a proto-fascist doesn’t care for the constitution???

  • arglebargle

    I sense a distinct executive order odor will be forthcoming.

  • cheetojeebus

    The man’s hip deep in pussy, what do you expect him to grab?*

    *Christ flecked with tasty yellow cheesy powder, i hate myself.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Well… I hope the food was good. I guess it’s hard to ruin bacon and eggs unless some TOTAL ASSHOLE IS BLABBERING ON ABOUT HIMSELF WHILE WE’RE TRYING TO EAT!!!!1111!

  • exinkwretch

    Our fearless Orange Leader is truly a man of God. Godawful.

  • Chadwells

    How the fuck did that place NOT burst into flames when Lord Dampnut walked in? There’s your proof. There is no God.

    • Blacktop Autumn

      Well, I can almost guarantee he didn’t open the doors with his tiny hands. I mean, they’re clearly not burned.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
    • Crank Tango

      The Reagan Battalion? I thought St. Ronnie lurved them Russkies?

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        I have all the NeverTrumpers on follow too.

        • Crank Tango

          What’s that like? Pretty crickety?

          • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

            Yeah, and they make a lot of excuses for the man they hate so much.

          • Crank Tango

            Bold.

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Again, we are so fucked.

      The U.S. Treasury Department announced Thursday it will allow some American companies to do limited transactions with the Russian Security Service, or FSB — the successor organization to the infamous KGB.

      The Treasury will let U.S. companies work with the Russian intelligence service on transactions necessary to approve importing certain information technology products into Russia.

      http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/treasury-dept-allow-u-s-companies-do-business-russian-security-n715951

    • SayItWithOtters

      An “anti-terror” coalition like the one Russia and Iran are running together in Syria?

  • Proud Liberal

    All I know is, America’s self-inflicted wound is never going to heal.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Of course not, when the right hand keeps picking at the scab every 2-4 years.

      • Proud Liberal

        They are determined to burn it all down aren’t they?

        • I’m so tired of people crowing about “change” for change’s sake. Setting your hair on fire is also a change.

  • WiscoJoe

    Arnold, you just won’t believe the flop you’ve made around here.
    You are all I think about, the loser of the year.
    Oh what a pity if your ratings slide.
    Still, I’m sure that you can rock the Nielsen’s if you tried.

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/jotoklayqEI/maxresdefault.jpg

  • Oneofthebobs

    Reminds me of when I used to go to confession, and the priest would say, “Aw, to hell with it, juse say five “Hail Marys” and an “Act of Contrition”.

  • RobKanC

    I couldn’t stop laughing when I read the CNN story. Seriously who does this shit.

  • Suttree

    So how many Mooslimbs where at the breakfast? Where there actually any people there who weren’t Christian?

    • Proud Liberal

      All of them, Katie.

  • Jonny On Maui
    • Suttree

      Awwww “our”. :)

    • WomanInTheResistance

      Lovely!

    • Creepoman

      Looks an awful lot like Wedding Beach – anything you guys want to tell us?

    • proudgrampa

      Nice! Where is that?

      Is that Lanai across the channel?

      • Jonny On Maui

        Makena Cove and yes!

  • Mirful

    Completely OT here in the Comments-Not-Allowed section:
    On MSNBC, Katy Tur just interviewed the lovely and talented Steve King (Dodo-Iowa) and King mentioned things that President Obama “was able to sneak into the law.”
    King is there in Washington and should know more about this stuff than I do but I am pretty sure that Congress makes the laws, not the President.
    I was hoping Katy would ask King how exactly President Obama was able to do this but, sadly, she didn’t.
    I would have loved to hear his explanation – he probably would have said Barry Bamz was able to do all that sneaking ‘cuz the Prez had calves the size of cantaloupes, which of course makes sneaking easier.

    • Kateaux

      I am so very glad that although I am a Iowan, I do not live in King’s district.

    • cmd resistor

      I think he uses voodoo or something. My sibling posted something on FB this week about how Obama wasn’t a Christian because of all these religious talismans he carries around. He didn’t mention that one of them must be used for sneaking things into the law. Maybe we can get some of those and mail them to our congresspeople.

  • moebym posted this
    • Kakkeltje

      Aw, just the right age to enjoy the eastern front when the shit really hits the fan.

      • Proud Liberal

        Those little fuckers will be the first to run when the Fascists come.

        • WomanInTheResistance

          That would be the Supreme Court, soon.

      • schmannity

        Eastern Front? Is that the Pennsylvania/New York border?

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Or the Sierra Nevada Mountains?

          • idiotboy

            It’s all quiet here.

        • Suttree

          Pennsylvania/Jersey border with Philly after we annex it.

      • georgiaburning

        Those boys need some sunshine. Put them to work watching that wall near Nogales.

    • Snuff

      “We’re only pretending to be genocidal racists!”

      • beingreleased

        That’s what makes it so funny.

    • Shibusa

      Future Good Germans.

    • puredog

      I think they’re ribbing him, but given the dateline I can’t guarantee it.

    • anwisok

      “This is extremely disappointing as this is not an accurate representation of our student body.”

      Um . . .apparently, this person is mistaken.

  • Blacktop Autumn

    So, legit question.

    How long can the rancor go on? Can either side really do this for four years? Jesus.

    • timpundit

      I know I can. I may need to hydrate more but bring it fucking on.

    • The wingnuts have been at it since 2008, at least.

  • schmannity

    Forgive us our pussygrabbing, as we forgive those who pussygrab us. PS God, how about some boils on Schwarzenegger?

  • OrG

    I’m having a hard time coming up with something clever today.So,FUCK THESE FASCISTS,FUCK THEM FUCK THEM FUCK THEM.That is all.

    • Chadwells

      There’s a lot of that going around. Rage fatigue is real.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    “Freedom of religion is a sacred right, but it [is] also a right under threat, all around us, and the world is under serious, serious threat, in so many different ways, and I’ve never seen it so much and so openly as since I took the position of president.”

    Uh, yeah. Me either.

  • Proud Liberal
  • wide_stance_hubby

    “And with a firm grasp of Mary’s pussy, I said, ‘If it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me. Gimme some of that, I’m a star, you know.'”

    • FigaroPho

      Hey, you found Two Corinthians.

  • Chadwells

    OT: I wonder if idiot will keep his idiot Dr. of his after this?

    “Drumpf Takes Propecia, A Hair-Loss Drug Associated With Mental Confusion, Impotence”

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trump-propecia-haiir-loss_us_58936376e4b06f344e4058a6?ir=Politics&utm_hp_ref=politics

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Of course, with the revelation that Trump is taking finasteride, many rushed to warn of possible side effects ― including mental confusion and permanent sexual dysfunction.

      “Thank God for that last part!”

      – Melania Trump

      • Roadstergal

        “Why do you think I’m so comfortable in the White House?”

        -Ivanka Trump

    • wide_stance_hubby

      All those side effects are usually referred to as ‘votes’ in comments.

    • Picabo

      I read the article. Did the doctor violate HIPPA?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Melania: “I tank’ Gawd’ for Propecia. Free at Last! Free at Last! “

    • georgiaburning

      Those side effects got him elected

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Narcissists gotta narcissist I guess…

    • laughingnome

      You;ve heard of Jesus of Narcissist, right?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    But he presumably made the wingnuts very happy when he said he would get rid of the Johnson Amendment, you know, that pesky little thing that says pastors can’t endorse political candidates, lest they lose their tax-exempt status

    I’m so happy to hear that my taxpayer dollars will go toward subsidizing wingnuts’ political speech. And by “happy,” I mean “fucking pissed FFS.”

    • Blacktop Autumn

      Unfortunately, we haven’t been enforcing this anyway. Evangelicals have run over the law for decades.

      Honestly, it’s really just time to deal with these people and start punching back.

      • Resistance Fighter Callyson

        True dat. The silver lining to this is that the black churches will also be able to do this.

        • Suttree

          Fuck it, as stupid as an atheist church sounds, we should start one also. Stupid Christianists are already convinced it’s a religion.

          • Picabo

            Pastafarians?

          • Crank Tango

            The sad thing is, we could probably build a decent libtardy church out of the teachings of a certain Jesus of Nazareth hippie.

          • Roadstergal

            John Oliver has blazed the trail.

        • Thaumaturgist

          My thoughts exactly. Hordes of non traditional voters, doing their block voting.

          What would it cost to buy buses for some of those churches?

          • Suttree

            Sounds like a good place to set up a voting precinct.

      • Asterix

        Grassley – Republican Asshole Senator from Dumbfuckville – started an investigation into the allegedly not-for-profit pastors screwing the taxpayers by not paying taxes… 6 of the pastors he investigated are besties with Drumph right now – two or three prayered over us at the inaugural. Anyhoos… the fascist christians got up in Grassley’s grill about the whole thing and, paragon ov strength and virtue that he is, dropped it like a hot potato(e). This was 10 – 12 years ago.

      • SayItWithOtters

        Hail, Satan.

  • Shibusa
    • theblackdog

      I feel like this needs to be posted every day.

  • goonemeritus

    I will be asking my wife tonight to not allow Trump to speak at my funeral.

    • BearGHAZI

      “Goonemeritus, he was this guy. Yuge loser. Never built any buildings, never had a TV show. Can you imagine? Anyhow, he said mean and vicious things about me. And no one cares that he’s dead. Okay? I can say that, by the way. I’m president.”

      • goonemeritus

        I’m hoping for a line of women all crying and wishing they took a chance on dating a young engineer before it was to late.

        • puredog

          Now that’s what I call delaying your gratification.

          • goonemeritus

            You take what you can get.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Pope? Pepe? Peepee? Whatever gets the job done, amiright?

  • Jamoche

    https://consumerist.com/2017/02/02/new-chairman-orders-fcc-to-abandon-court-defense-of-rule-limiting-prison-phone-rates/
    New Chairman Orders FCC To Abandon Court Defense Of Rule Limiting Prison Phone Rates

    Because when you’ve got a literally captive consumer base, rip them off for everything you can!

    • Chadwells

      Oh fuck….yeah, that’s another nightmare coming. He’s gonna privatize the shit out of the prison complex. Remember that brief moment when the Obama admin. brought an end to privatized federal prisons? Gonna all be reversed and injected with money laundering steroids.

      One of the biggest private prison companies stock bottomed out….then Lord Dampnut got elected and their stock shot through the roof.

      • Crank Tango

        Damn, weren’t the Koch bros into prison reform too, something like that?

        • Chadwells

          No idea but that makes complete sense.

        • OrG

          For white collar crimes.

          • Crank Tango

            I didn’t think those were punishable by anything.

        • cmd resistor

          I think privatizing, and, also, too, the longer sentences they got passed through all the state legislatures so they could have more prisoners.

          • Chadwells

            100%

    • puredog

      Is there NOTHING GOOD that the orange shitgibbon cannot FUCK UP? Christ, this is fucked.

    • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

      They don’t miss a trick do they? When you’re dead, as goes the Beatles song, “Declare the pennies on your eyes.”

  • Notreelyhelping

    Christ on a cracker.

    • Wild Cat

      Christ on a Fracker . . . and he’s so hot!

  • The only way Trump could be worse is if he were capable of covering up his awfulness with folksy charm. Small comfort, I admit.

    • Chadwells

      That is what Pence does.

    • SterWonk

      You mean like Pence? That’s why we’re still fucked, even after the inevitable impeachment / resignation-because-presidenting-is-hard / 25th-Amendment-remedy.

      • Roadstergal

        Two fuckheads is better than three.

      • Historicat

        Would Pence keep Bannon on? That might be a small but significant change.

        • SterWonk

          That’s a fair point. But since they appear to have largely congruent goals, I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if he did, at least at first. Hell, Pence might even select Bannon to be his veep!

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      The nice thing in this instance about the New York accent is that it softens nothing and coarsens everything. I’m pretty sure Trump would be 20% more popular if you switched his voice with Matthew McConaughey. Small mercies indeed.

      • Chadwells

        Coincidental reference to McConaughey there…have you read how that dumbass threw himself into the political debate today?

        “Give the man a chance, he’s your president now”

        What a dick.

        • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

          Being a southerner, you’d think that he’d know better than anyone that his role in life is to sit there and look pretty. Best seen, not heard.

          • MynameisBlarney

            As a southerner I take offense!
            I am NOT pretty!

            I’m purdy.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            Jest yer mouth is, boy.

          • MynameisBlarney

            *squeals like a pig*

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I always knew I hated him, just needed a better reason than “because.”

        • Yr. Gma

          I never thought he was all that, and now I know for sure he isn’t.

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          I always felt like his character in “Dazed & Confused” wasn’t too much of a stretch. He’s gotta be one of those guys who would just hit on you with cheezy pick up lines until you caved or punched him in the face.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Thaumaturgist

    To many in the room, the president doesn’t actually get to appoint the the Chaplin of the Senate.

  • laughingnome

    Who has prayer for breakfast anyway?

    • Jamoche

      Poor people.

    • Bill D. Burger

      All the people who voted against Trump? ___ I call upon the omnipotent Flying Spaghetti Monster often.

      Ohhhhh! I see what you did there! I need to read more closely! :)

  • Because H-E-L-L is where the Devil lives with the gays and the ‘bortionists, and you AREN’T ‘POSED TO SAY THAT.

    I read ‘bortionists as botanists and thought “What have they ever done?”

  • Crank Tango

    OT, but I am wondering when Chump is gonna bring back real lightbulbs.

    • SayItWithOtters

      Right after he gets back that hairspray he likes.

    • Wild Cat

      No idea why Palin was bitching about that . . . she can’t read either.

    • beingreleased

      I think he’s saving that announcement for National Day of Pouring Hazardous Waste Directly into the Water Supply. So, tomorrow.

    • Fartknocker

      The bald eagles and peregrine falcons are no longer endangered so we now introduce DDT II, now with vela-raptor calming additives!

      Monsanto

  • puredog

    You owe me a keyboard for reporting that “the hell with it” comment.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      That, for just a tiny second, made me like Trump. And then it was gone.

      • puredog

        MMMV

  • Randy Riddle

    I’m sure golden showers are in the Bible somewhere.

    • Wild Cat

      “Let us teach you about real Baptism, son . . . “

  • Shan

    Wonkette just wants to let you know that no matter how cute you are, you’re too dumb to fuck.

    Wait, does that mean too dumb to get fucked by Wonkette or too dumb to get fucked by anyone at all?

    Asking for a friend.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Probably the former. There are some people who are just down for the bangin’ without all that eloquent conversation.

    • anwisok

      Too dumb to know how to fuck, I think.

      • Shan

        I didn’t think there WAS such a thing. I mean, look around…

  • whitroth

    Hey, get rid of the Johnson amendment, no problem. Um, this *does* mean that ALL THE FREAKIN’ CHURCHES (including Scienterology) get to PAY TAXES?

    • Suttree

      If only.

    • Reddishrabbit

      Only way I’ll support ending the Johnson amendment. Pay up churches or shut up about partisan politics.

      • Creepoman

        Seems like they’re ignoring it anyway – I don’t recall ever seeing it enforced, but I don’t really do churches.

    • Yr. Gma

      Tom Cruise will not like this.

    • bookish

      I think it means they get to pay politicians.

    • OneYieldRegular

      From now on, I’m not voting until I hear who the pastor of the Church of Satan endorses.

  • Popillius

    How pathetic are you when you don’t have any friends to tell your petty gripes to so you have to tell the WHOLE WORLD what stupid shit is in your craw. In front of a memorial wall or in a prayer breakfast – makes no difference where.

    Hey dRumpf – FIND A FRIEND.

    • therblig

      he could use “A-Dolt Friend Finder”

  • Crystalclear12

    I’ve been praying a lot this year. To anyone that would listen: God, Satan, Kali (said she didn’t have a hand to spare, liar), Cthulhu (he sided with Trump), Crom. So far bubkis.

    • snark-lurker

      try jack n the spare tires?

    • georgiaburning

      Ahura Mazda might be listening, he’s been awfully lonely the last thousand years or so

    • Suttree

      I’ve been praying to Enkidu to rid Turnip of his ignorance. I’m somewhat afraid of what would happen if he listened though.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Have you tried the Flying Spaghetti Monster? At least he’s delicious…

    • MizzMazz

      Satan and Crom don’t like prayers, from what I’ve heard.

      • Crystalclear12

        Do you know how hard is to get a virgin sacrifice?
        Sure, there’s always the MRA guys but they hard to get out of their basements!
        Just ask their moms.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Maybe the Prophets will listen:

      “You want to be gods? Then be gods! I need a miracle.”

  • diogenez
  • laughingnome

    Trump thinks the Johnson amendment is against guys with small, err, hands.

  • anwisok

    I’m sure this has been mentioned downthread, but I’m going to say iit anyway.

    Sponsored by “The Family”? Really? Like, the same thing Manson called his little cult? Seriously? 0.o

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    An open letter to “president” Fuckface von Clownstick:
    You know, not every. fucking. goddamn. thing is about you and your ratings. You’re the goddamn president of this goddamn country now, you stupid self-obsessed asshole, and goddamn it, it’s time to stop acting like a two-year-old.
    Do you have any idea what’s going on in the rest of the world? They’re fucking terrified. TERRIFIED. We all are. We have no idea how we will survive, literally survive, as in BE STILL ALIVE IN FOUR YEARS, as long as you are still “running” the country. You know what? Change one letter in “running” and you get “ruining.” That’s what you’re actually doing, you fucking clown.
    Here’s a little tip from me to you, and I don’t have any foreign experience except that I went to Italy in 2015: A WORLD WAR IS BAD. It’s a bad idea. It’s why the leaders worked so hard after 1945 to make sure that it would never happen again. We haven’t all been gleefully waiting for WW3 to start. You waving your tiny fists in the air and threatening Mexico with a military invasion, and hanging up on the Australian Prime Minister, and pissing off China over Taiwan and the idiot comments you make every twenty seconds DOESN’T HELP. It makes a world war MORE likely, not less, you orange embarrassment.
    Speaking of embarrassment – you can’t have failed to notice how much everyone fucking hates your guts. Every time you open your tiny anus mouth two hundred more people have a rage-stroke. THE ENTIRE WORLD THINKS YOU’RE A FUCKING JOKE. You’re the “president” and NOBODY wants to admit it. I realize you are stupid and incredibly, against all sense and reason, able to look at a crowd of literally millions of people marching all over the country and in foreign lands against everything you stand for and still think you have some kind of magnetism or charisma or whatever the fuck it is you think you have. YOU DON’T. You’re repellant. Repellant for your views, for your bottomless, breathtaking ignorance, for the twatwaffles you call your kids, for your appearance, for your appointments, for your racism, your sexism, your xenophobia (I know, long word – it means “how you hate everybody who isn’t a white American), your insidious cronies, your ties to a dictator, your embrace of evil Nazi fucks like Bannon, your constant tweeting about bullshit like your ratings (seriously, get the fuck over it. Your inauguration was smaller than Obama’s and we all fucking know it), the sheer number, breadth, and volume of your lies and nonsense and horseshit.
    Real Americans want a free press. We want to welcome people to this country, especially refugees. You know that statue in your hometown? The big green one with the torch? That poem on the bottom, that line in there about “tempest-tossed” folks? You know what “tempest-tossed” people are? They’re refugees. So either rescind your ban (and apologize, for once in your utterly fucking horrendous life) or take the statue down. Seriously.
    You know what else we want? Clean water and air. National Parks. A sensible policy to help combat global climate change.
    And, one last thing – CHRISTIANS AREN’T BEING OPPRESSED IN THIS COUNTRY. That’s reserved for everyone else who isn’t like them. I, personally, am an atheist. You will NEVER be able to force me to worship a gawd I don’t believe in, to pray, to read a bible, to go to church every time you feel it’s necessary, or anything else you want to force me to participate in. You may be the “president” but I am simply not yours to command.
    Which leads me to my final point: YOU WORK FOR ME. You are NOT the goddamn KING of America. You’re a hired hand whose work is goddamn terrible. Did anybody explain that to you? There’s no such thing as “I can do what I want,” or “It’s not illegal when the president does it.” There just isn’t. You. work. for. us. WE ARE THE BOSS OF YOU. So stop tweeting about your fucking ratings. Put down your television remote. Stop talking to your toadies, lickspittles, and co-conspirators. Listen to America. We’re talking to you.
    TL;DR: FUCK YOU TRUMPF YOU MOTHERFUCKING SHITHEAD FUCKBAG.

    • beingreleased

      Well, you’re right of course, but have you seen his ratings? They’re through the roof!

      • Dudleydidwrong

        So they finally roofed over the basement floor.

    • WomanInTheResistance

      Yep.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Well, I really can’t add anything that wasn’t already said much more forcefully and loudly.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I know – it got long. Once I got going I couldn’t stop. My computer even keeps freezing like it’s thinking ,”Is she done yet? Apparently not. (sigh)”

        • WomanInTheResistance

          Thank you for that.

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          Better to get the rage out of your brains rather than let it eat an ulcer in your gut

    • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

      Took the words right out of my mouth ;-).

      But seriously, well done,

    • MizzMazz

      Most Excellent.

    • hyperbolic_hysteria

      Tee he he. You said twatwaffle.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Tell us what you *really* think about Fuckface von Clownstick.

    • Fartknocker

      I have stamps and I think a well crafted letter such as this should be sent to the White House. Just think, your letter could be on display in the Trump library (assuming he isn’t impeached or has an unfortunate passing due to medical reasons that his doctor failed to bigly diagnose).

      • Naytch

        My Administration got the best letters, the bigliest. Very strong… So many people felt so strongly about me… terrific letters, a lot of capital letters, F’s and U’s… Huge letters…

    • NastyBossetti

      I’m going to print this every day, fold it up and put it in an envelope every day, and send it off to the white house.
      Every.
      Day.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Flush twice to make sure it gets to Trump himself. /s

        • arensb

          No, the sewer is where Bannon lives.

          • data_ninja

            Bannon comes UP to the sewers for breaks. His ideas are far more subterranean.

      • SadDemInTex

        Me, too

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I’m going to print this out a few million times. Grind it up into a powder. Mix it with piss. And pour it down the shitgibbon’s neck hole (obligatory: with votes.)

    • lroom

      A most excellent rant.

  • beingreleased

    OT: Here’s a headline on cnn.com: “Trump calls NAFTA a ‘catastrophe’; we’ll talk in 90 days, Mexico says”
    Do you think they’re betting Trump doesn’t make it that long?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Let’s hope they have a solution in mind. A final one. With, ya know, votes or whatever.

      • janecita

        Pope John Paul I only lasted 33 days, fingers crossed!!

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          That’s so far away.

          • MeerkatsRMammals

            Considering the damage Fuckface has done in the last 2 weeks, I couldn’t agree more!

        • Historicat

          William Henry Harrison’s record is still within reach.

          • janecita

            My favorite president!

      • bookish

        Trump and his big mouth aren’t making many friends. He better watch his back.

  • SayItWithOtters

    Hey, only another hour or so until he starts sundowning again and then can’t be held responsible for anything he does until his next bowl of Count Chocula.

    http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/dementia-sundowning

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Save us, Gamera! You’re our only hope!

    • Bill D. Burger

      As a kid, I used to love watching those movies, and the irony, oh boy, was wonderful. Gamera would be stomping hoards of people under foot, and the two little imps (The Cosmos?) would coo: “Gamera loves the children.” Hmmm….Maybe they meant for food??

      http://i.imgur.com/puNSM9E.gif

      • Mr. Blobfish

        I’m not much for sci-fi, but have a guy in a rubber suit storm thru Tokyo, and I’ll watch all day.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        I too grew up watching/loving these movies. Then MST3K came along. I’ve fully indoctrinated my children. You can be anywhere in my house & say “Gamera is really neat…” they’ll fill in the rest of the song ;) It’s good to pass the little things down to the children!

        • Suttree

          My weekends consist of sleeping, cooking, eating, fucking, and watching MST3K.

          • MeerkatsRMammals

            That sounds like a splendid way to spend your weekend :)

          • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

            Are you married? Seeing anyone?

          • Shan

            Ugh, don’t encourage the smug bastard to talk about his love life!

          • Suttree

            Haha! Yes I’m seeing Lizzietish. It’s her fault. I hadn’t watched MST3K in 15 years before I met her at the NYC drinky-thing.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            You two are adorable. I kind of need adorable right now.

          • Suttree

            She’s keeping me going. I would be a completely miserable bastard right now without her.

      • Suttree

        As an adult I love watching these movies!

      • MizzMazz

        Put on 311 Come Original and watch the gif. it’s magical.

        • Suttree

          Ha! Perfect.

          • MizzMazz

            I have the whole album on, and it’s still working.

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          That’s amazing :)

  • bookish

    No evidence Ivanka Trump resigned from family businesses. Paperwork has not been filed.

    https://www.propublica.org/article/ivanka-trump-promised-to-resign-from-family-business-hasnt-filed-paperwork

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’m shocked, shocked…

  • Chadwells

    OT: In other news….if you thought Flint, Mich. water crisis was bad….buckle the fuck up.

    “Senate seals fate of Interior stream rule”

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/02/coal-mining-regulation-stream-protection-rule-234554

  • moebym posted this

    OT:
    https://twitter.com/greggiroux/status/827247120180793345

    Four Dem defectors, one GOP defector.

    • Blacktop Autumn

      Who are the two traitors?

      • laughingnome

        Manchin would be one.

        • Blacktop Autumn

          Yeah, that’s a given.

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          Munchkin needs to shut up

        • Mr. Blobfish

          Say “goodbye” to WV’s fishing tourism, asshole.

          • shastakoala

            Yeah but on the upside the canary industry is going to relocate to the US.

      • WomanInTheResistance

        Corinthians, probably.

      • laughingnome

        Warner?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Heitkamp, who has the NERVE to characterize herself as a “progressive”.

    • Chadwells

      I just posted about that….DUDE IS OUT TO KILL US ALL.

      • moebym posted this

        Sorry, I didn’t see yours.

        • Chadwells

          Nah…didn’t mean it like that!! Yours had pictures and was way better!!!

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      ‘Murica! With dirty water & lung cancer for all…

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Manchin and Heitkamp, as usual, voted with the Republicans. McCaskill and Donnelly also voted with them. Collins was the only Republican to vote no.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Trump to tweet about Collins’ sad, weak ratings in 3, 2, ….

    • Shoto

      “To be fair, coal debris in the water provides extra fiber to a balanced diet, and bonus: It makes an excellent tea.”

      — Joe Manchin

      • SayItWithOtters

        What? That’s basically how a Brita filter works.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    After all of his attack tweets against Celebrity Apprentice (first he came for Martha Stewart & now Ahnold), I’m honestly wondering if he gets more money for Executive Producing if ratings are higher?

  • Thaumaturgist

    Should we as a group — I’m just asking here — extend our thoughts and prayers to the gay trumperdinks who are “too dumb to fuck?”

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Treasonous Republicans continue to undermine democracy and the rule of law…

    If our government doesn’t obey the law, why should we?

    Don’t Like the Ballot Measure Voters Approved? Just Ignore It, Some Lawmakers Say
    In state capitals around the country, lawmakers are trying to block voter-approved policies. Critics say it’s “lawlessness” that represents the new political climate.
    http://www.governing.com/topics/politics/gov-ballot-measure-voters-lawmakers.html

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again:

      The GOP needs to go the way of the NSDAP and the CPSU.

      Oblivion.

      • BadKitty904

        Indeed, they do.

      • zerosumgame0005

        and their related organization, NAMBLA

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Never mind your constituents voted bigly for these reforms. Let’s hope those voters remember in November when they vote these douche canoes out of office.

      • BadKitty904

        You’re assuming there will be elections in November. If Republicans ignore the law now, why won’t they ignore the law then?

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          You might be onto something. I’d really like to hope it won’t come to that.

          • BadKitty904

            At the moment, sadly, the Republican Party seems to be hell-bent on pressing this to the point of open civil war.

          • MeerkatsRMammals

            Then they will blame the “Libturds”, Obama & Hillary for continuing to divide the country :(

          • BadKitty904

            If it comes to that dreadful point – and wouldn’t Putin just love that – no one will care who the GOP blames anything on.

          • DahBoner

            It will. This is a coup d’etat.

  • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

    It’s time for my obligatory GTBW.

  • WSHHRoastMaster

    Hello friends.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Goodbye, pest.

      • Yr. Gma

        Will the new system have auto-block?

        • Shoto

          Will the new system have auto-punch-in-the-face?

          • spacecat in space

            Only for self-identified Nazis. #WWCAD

      • WomanInTheResistance

        It’s back?

        • WSHHRoastMaster

          Yeah

          • WomanInTheResistance

            You know, I tried to be nice to you last night. Because I feel sorry for you. I think that you’re a lonely person who is reaching out for human contact. Please don’t be a jerk today.

          • WSHHRoastMaster

            Or I just come here because you people are the easiest to annoy I’ve found yet.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Or maybe your secret fantasy is to dress up as a giant mouse and get batted around by a bunch of big cats.

          • puredog

            You know, there’s another word for a “large mouse.”

          • Carpe Vagenda

            ROUS?

          • puredog

            Hadda look that ‘un up!

          • MynameisBlarney

            I don’t believe in ROUS’s.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            drain the fireswamp…

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            rat?

          • WomanInTheResistance

            And blocked. I still feel sorry for you. Because what a sad, grey little existence you must lead.

          • WSHHRoastMaster

            I actually lam starting to feel at home here.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            actually, most of us pretty much ignore you except when we’re bored and feel like making fun of you

        • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

          Like a bad penny or the clap.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Like christmas fruitcake from ’87.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      You know that’s Bill Cosby’s line, right?

    • MynameisBlarney
    • MynameisBlarney

      Just got home from school I see.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Mr. Blobfish

    Please remember to spay or neuter your trump.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      I do believe it’s too late for that. He’s procreated & so have his hell spawn. Whole new generation of grifters/liars/con artists.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      With sharp, pointy votes, and no anesthetic.

  • BadKitty904

    “President” Trump closed his speech with a heartfelt and sincere prayer: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Blacktop Autumn

      God, I imagine them old Christian fundie ladies are boring as shit in bed.

      • Yr. Gma

        With their husbands, probably. But the new youth pastor…

        • Blacktop Autumn

          I can see the cougar crossover, definitely.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Old Christian Lady: ” ~lays back~ Just get it over with. Just get the dirty, dirty carnal deed over with!”

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4e0f409384e145e158412e4e4eb9169a67201b2bd6febe2b37601ef9d529ebf2.jpg

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          True fact (probably) that quote actually originated with Lady Hillingdon

          “When I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, open my legs and think of England.”

        • OneWhiteWhisker

          Victoria actually loved sex and would bone Albert anytime of the day. She hated the side effects though, namely her children.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        only the Catholic ones have any fun, about 8 or 9 times in their life (not counting the blessed occasions when they timed it right)

  • Trump is very upset about only getting 81% of the Evangelical Christian vote and really wants to mobilize pastors to get those numbers up for 2020.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Beneath.Fucking.Contempt.

    That’s our Donald.

  • anon_the_great

    Leave it to Cheetolini to blasphemy a prayer breakfast. Ghoomba in Chief indeed.

  • Yr. Gma

    Adventists do not say H-E-L-L, but my cousin (old like me) still says “H-E-double hockey sticks.” They also do not say gosh, golly, gee, or damn. I got backhanded a few times as a kid when I slipped and said darn. Words related to bodily functions do not even exist.

    • WomanInTheResistance

      I’m proud to say I started this thread with H. E. DOUBLE HOCKEYSTICKS. It’s the small victories.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        God bless the Blackhawks!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They all need to fuck off, basically.

  • “I am the Lord thy God, okay? Me. Much better god than Yahweh. Fire from heaven? Sad. I have nukes. I’ve really got ‘em here, folks. Virgin birth? All the power in the universe and he only nails one virgin? I will nail all of them. All. of. Them. At least the hot ones.

    Jesus? I prefer gods who weren’t crucified. Loser.

    Allah? Allah ta hot air, if you ask me.

    Worship me and you all enjoy winning bigly. So much winning, you’ll be happy to give me 10% and then 10% more on top of that.”

    • beingreleased

      I posted this earlier today. This is an encore tweet:
      https://twitter.com/Pappiness/status/827166385377771520

      • Bill D. Burger

        realdonaldtrump@ murrikachristians
        Lovely prayer breakfast. big crowd. more than at last supper. believe me. crowds? see my inauguration…millions there. media won’t report. dishonest. SAD.

  • WSHHRoastMaster

    Obama was not in top 10 best Presidents.. Maybe top 20?

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      It depends on who your top 10 is, I suppose

      • Jenny

        Herbert Elizondo Mountain Dew Comacho. Best or worst president?! Discuss!

        • Hairstrike Alpha

          He’s my role model. I’ll always remember his uplifting words, “Shit. I know shit is fucked up.” There is no better way to describe the Trump era.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Ahead of Reagan, Bush I, Bush II, and von Clownstick, for sure.

  • Chadwells

    OT: This is….it’s just….War is coming.

    “Obama’s White House worked for months on a plan to seize Raqqa. Trump’s team took a quick look and decided not to pull the trigger.”

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/obamas-white-house-worked-for-months-on-a-plan-to-seize-raqqa-trumps-team-deemed-it-hopelessly-inadequate/2017/02/02/116310fa-e71a-11e6-80c2-30e57e57e05d_story.html?utm_term=.d983178f3a87

    • WSHHRoastMaster

      Washington Post is alternative facts.

      • beingreleased

        Jebus Fuck you’re dull.

        • Thaumaturgist

          WSHHR isn’t as dull as KcCo. WSHHR at least understands the concept of “alternative facts.”

      • Abby Normal

        You are clearly an alternate genius!

      • Jenny

        That bored are ya? I mean we were pretty bored last night with your postings, so I can’t imagine how boring it must be in your head.

        Is it abicus counting boring, or Trump inaugural parade boring?

        Do tell. I’m sure we will all be enthralled.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Of course. It’s the colored guy’s plan.

  • Yr. Gma

    From one who has actually seen Arnold govern, I strongly endorse his suggestion to trade places with Donald. (Or me, Donald could trade places with me. You guys would probably criticize his snark on here, though.)

    • Chadwells

      I was not a huge fan of him while in office…and we did suffer a huge budget crisis…but anything is better than Lord Dampnut. I concur.

  • MOG253

    Jesus wept. (These words become more potent each day. )

    • Bill D. Burger

      Trumpanzee: “Send him back to Mexico!”

      • CripesAmighty

        “What a loser. Weak.”

  • Jenny

    I want to recognize the Chaplain, who I hear is doing many many great things. And I’m sure in the future we will all recognize how great he is doing.

    • CripesAmighty

      …at things.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    shorter Donnie: “Are you a Corinthian?”

    • MynameisBlarney

      “Is that Corinthian Leather?”

  • MynameisBlarney
    • WSHHRoastMaster

      Strange

    • BadKitty904

      Me and any caffeinated drink stronger than tea.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Sugar high at a Mariners game.

      Gotta love it!

    • Shan

      My dad used to get my kids cranked up like that right before bringing them back home.

      • Hairstrike Alpha

        Oh dear God. How many gingerittes did you have running amok?

        • Shan

          Just the one. The other is a tow-head.

          Okay two if you count my dad.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        That’s our Grampa job – payback!….

  • moebym posted this

    A random little old Korean lady walking down the street in Los Angeles got clocked by a 27-year-old white woman, who said “white power” before running off. The girl’s been apprehended, and her bail’s set at $50,000.

    https://twitter.com/gasagasagirl/status/827158497175314432

    • MynameisBlarney

      WTF?

    • WSHHRoastMaster

      Another racist white person what a surprise.

      • moebym posted this

        Can’t disagree on that.

        • WSHHRoastMaster

          All white people are racist

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Only scum like you.

          • WSHHRoastMaster

            Sorry I’m not a pale skin honkey. Another blue eyed devil I see.

          • puredog

            Just as true as the corollary, “All non-white people are not racist.”

        • HazooToo

          That was quick! Dok is on the ball today.

    • Chadwells

      What the FUCK?! Imma have to go on a nazi punching spree!!!

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        APANITF!…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Quintuple the bail.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Is this not terrorism?

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        No, she’s from that lone wolf group.

        • MynameisBlarney

          A very large pack, consisting entirely of lone wolves.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Lone wolves, Unite! (Oh, wait. They already have.)

      • Jukesgrrl

        I’d say it’s terrorism if the end result is people afraid to leave their homes (which might still get spray-painted).

      • Paperless Tiger

        What’s lower than terrorism?

        • cleos_mom

          People who see this kind of thing happening and do nothing — not out of fear but out of indifference; although it might be billed as “being the better person.”

    • DahBoner

      Hate crime. Soon to be legal (if not already)

    • President in Exile Firefly

      Soon this won’t be illegal–it will be mandatory.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      JFC. This is horrendous.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Listen, I like Jesus folks. That God guy? A favorite. Wonderful. I read it every day. Got my own bible and I don’t care who the hell knows it. I am humble that way- hey lady. Not you, you’re not even a 6. Her. You are some woman, you see the gig I have now? I’m very important. So important. Why don’t you come sit at my table? I’m serious! I’m only joking, folks. But not really.

    Where was I? God. So I like God. Terrific guy and- anyone see the Apprentice? Terrible. Pathetic. I was much better. Big league. That producer, Mark Burnett- good friend of mine. The ratings are awful. Sad, really. Arnold doesn’t have it. I’m like Jesus leading my people into Israel with crackers and wine.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Matthew 6:5. Pay attention, people! It’s in red!

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN
  • WSHHRoastMaster

    This election proved all you white people are racist.

    • puredog

      Boring. Intensely boring. Blocked.
      ETA: (Oops. Blocker not working. Sigh.)

  • HazooToo

    I just took a really long nap, and in my dream, the commenting system had already been changed. It was on the right side of the page, and there were no avatars, and no upvotes, only reply buttons. I think I’m spending too much time here.

    • WomanInTheResistance

      I know that feeling. Of course, I’ve had the flu all week.

      • HazooToo

        Haaaaaaate flu! Have you been to the Doctor?

        • WomanInTheResistance

          No, because sometimes I’m a idiot.

          • HazooToo

            I am intimately familiar with being a idiot. Go find somebody to see if you stay sick or it gets worse. We love you.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            You are so sweet!

  • arensb

    I will get rid of and totally destroy the Johnson Amendment and allow our representatives of faith to speak freely and without fear of retribution.

    I wonder how long it’ll take for MoveOn, the DNC, and every other liberal activist organization to become churches.

    • Jukesgrrl

      It worked for L. Ron Hubbard. Why not?

    • anthrodiva

      It was my first thought over coffee this morning….

    • Malaclypse

      I may have to call up my old pal J.R. ‘Bob’ Dobbs. It’s about time I get back to declaring all properties real and imagined to be the sole responsibility of the Holy Order of the Flying Wankle, A.S.C., P.O.E.E..

      If all goes well, I my church won’t be paying taxes, I’ll we’ll be free to discriminate in any way we choose, and probably get free cable.

      • arensb

        Have you contacted the Satanic Temple? They’ve been doing this for a while, and might be able to give you some pointers.

        • Malaclypse

          Fairly sure that if you trace the ST organizers back, there’s probably a lot of Church of the Sub Genius and/or Discordian Temple folk…

          • Meccalopolis

            Slack

    • mailman27

      I AM THE GOD!!!11!!!!11!!!!! So, preferred tax status?

  • Bitter Scribe

    When Michelle Obama spoke at a tribute to a 15-year-old murder victim and said “Hayida Pendleton was me, and I am her,” the wingnuts said, “There goes Michelle, making it all about her. What a narcissistic bitch.”

    When Donald Trump speaks at a prayer breakfast and jibes the guy who had his old job, the wingnuts say, “There goes Donald being Donald. What a showman.”

    • Ricky Gay

      well, what ever color he is… it ain’t black.

      • WomanInTheResistance

        Orange is the new black.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Orange is the same shitgibbon…

  • Nodrama4mama

    If we are going to allow religions to endorse candidates, can we all join the Church of Satan or the Jedi so they have a huge endorsement block to wield. I would love to see Trump try to be Evangelical and speak like Yoda at the same time.

    • wavicles

      He speaks like Yoda now, if both me and Yoda were ripped on acid.

      • Meccalopolis

        Pretty sure I tripped with yoda once

        • wavicles

          Fun memories I hope you have

      • AJ Milne

        Cranked on meth I am, yes yes.

    • Mike Steele

      If we are going to allow religions to endorse candidates, it’s long past time to start taxing the churches.

    • CripesAmighty

      Well, there is an upside: the new Satanic Temple coloring book will be epic.

  • Snark Tank, Bad Hombre

    I got what I was praying for:

    DONALD TRUMP anagrams to LORD DAMPNUT.

    Henceforth, this shall be what I call the Mango Nightmare.

    • Alternative Pony Ron

      Excellent choice.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    I tell people especally my LGBT friends. No LGBT or supporters of gay rights should ever trust a or vote Republican period. Time and time again they have backstabbed us and libeled us as sexual predators. They ill do everything in their power to keep us second class citzens

    • Jukesgrrl

      I don’t even think they want you as second-class. They don’t want you at all (hence their reprogramming efforts).

  • Jukesgrrl

    And after the breakfast, they all went over to The Family’s C Street house to pee on each other.

    • Duke

      As good Christians do. In Russia. When their 3rd wives are far away.

  • ken_kukec

    “Trump’s point, of course, is that he had much yooooger ratings, because he is tremendous and terrific and big league.”

    My old man taught me the “don’t toot your own horn” lesson when I was a 10-year-old little-leaguer (as every other kid in my neighborhood was taught by his or her dad).

    The fuck was wrong with Fred Trump, he never taught it to Donald?

    • WomanInTheResistance

      Many, many things.

    • DahBoner

      That was the father who told his son to blow out your eardrums with his horn

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Narcississim is highly heritable, so it’s unlikely Li’l Donnie was ever told that. And wouldn’t have believed it if he was.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Does anyone actually know an Adam and Steve that got married? That would be pretty cool.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I tried but 50’s-60’s actress Noëlle Adam never married a guy named Steve and even close-miss Amy Adams comes up Steve-less. I call it a urban legend.

  • Shibusa
  • azeyote

    “the world is under serious, serious threat, in so many different ways, and I’ve never seen it so much and so openly as since I took the position of president.”
    so now you regret it too? – join the club you fucking idiot – how about make things better and get another lobotomy –

  • Shibusa
    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Or mixing Propecia and psychosis…

  • DahBoner
  • Paperless Tiger

    Arnold: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods Hitlers, I can speak with an English a German accent.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    If you get rid of the Johnson amendment, it will destroy 501c3s. The level of political favoritism would dry up their funding base and lead them to spend way too much of their time and funding to endorse and support candidates who want to woo their dollars. I cannot imagine the number of sphincters that closed shut when he said that….

    • Other way round. It will allow them to be directly political AND let them keep their tax free status

      • Tacoclamgenda

        Exactly. Win-win for them, you’re fucked for the rest of us.

  • Evangelicals who continue to back this fascist prick should never be allowed to say the name Jesus ever again without a gigantic boil growing right on their noses.

    • JoeChristmas

      Je$u$ is OK though.

    • UpstateNYObserver

      There are way, way better places for that boil to grow. I wouldn’t need to see it, but they’d feel it..

    • docterry6973

      My sanctimonious sister informs me that only God knows what is in Trump’s heart and she prays for his success.

      After 8 years of reposts accusing Obama of being a Kenyan muslim communist socialist who hates America and is an incompetent evil tyrant. Now only God knows what’s in the President’s heart.

      I think she’s going to block me now.

  • I’m not much of a fan of the Governator, but shit, compared to Trump, he’d be a breath of fresh air. I’m down with Job Swap — maybe if we make it a reality show and tell the Screaming Yam that it will get great ratings, he’ll go for it.

    • Alternative Pony Ron

      Think we could trick him into taking Pump 17’s job?

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      I liked him in Terminator Genisys. He played a pretty good oldfart robot. Considering his acting skills, the Terminator flicks were custom made for him, but in the (presumably) last one he was actually likable.

  • UpstateNYObserver

    Grabs national prayer breakfast by the pussy. That wasn’t hard, virtually every male at one of those Christian Taliban gatherings is one anyway. Wouldn’t have reach very far with his stubby little fingers.

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    Based on his performance at the Al Smith dinner and in front of the CIA memorial, I think we’ve already had adequate evidence that Trump simply does not know how to read a room unless its full of racist hate-mongers (aka his campaign rallies). I’m sure his speech commemorating 9-11 when the next anniversary rolls around will be a wonder to behold (fingers crossed that circumstances other than complete destruction of the planet will prevent this eventuality)

  • Bebecca

    I pray that bedbugs invade every trump tower

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    If Arnold’s ratings exceeded Trump’s we’d never hear the end of how they were rigged, so it’s probably better this way. Still, someone’s in for a tweet’n now.

    • meanlawyermom

      My guess is that ratings are low BECAUSE of Trump’s continued association with it.

      • Alternative Pony Ron

        Agreed. I mean, normally who wouldn’t love to watch the Governator on TV for an hour every week? Something’s dragging those ratings down, and it rhymes with ‘twit mitten.’

        • meanlawyermom

          Don’t love the governator and never watched the show. At least the governator had to work to get where he is today (and made a couple of good movies – I loved the first Predator and the early Terminator movies and even some of his comedies – all watched before we knew his issues with women), as opposed to the twit ribbon that inherited a bunch of money and then twit all over everything he touched. Don’t like either one of their records with women, though, so I probably wouldn’t watch it. I can guarantee that Trump’s name being attached means I probably won’t even watch anything on the NBC network now, though.

  • mailman27

    So, if we’re leveling the playing field here, why not revoke all the tax-exempt status for all the churches? Then they would all be free to let their freak flags fly!

  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    “Our father, who’s Art in New Haven, please give me an amendment to my Johnson so Melania won’t laugh at me when I tell her I want another child. As Red Skelton used to say, God Bless.” — Cheeto Hitler

  • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

    The Johnson Amendment is a very big deal. Undoing it will be Citizens United Part II.

  • aureolaborealis

    On the other hand, I wouldn’t mind channeling my political donations through the local Unitarian church, if I could write it off, and if they could be convinced to become cutthroat partisans. Which would never happen. The last part, I mean. Also, I’m sure there’ll be a clause about how it only counts for Mormons and Southern Baptists and/or Dominionists.

    • docterry6973

      I hope the GOP doesn’t get a hernia while they strain to limit tax-exempt politics to evangelical christians only.

  • Alternative Pony Ron

    ‘I will get rid of and totally destroy the Johnson Amendment…’
    Fuck, even the man-babies action verbs are demented and violent. A person who wasn’t insane would say, ‘repeal’ or ‘overturn.’

    • spacecat in space

      He’d have to know what those words mean, first, but someone would have to tell him, because (psst) Trump can’t read.

  • Alan

    And the rest of the world continues to think Americans are idiots.

    • CripesAmighty

      And Dump confirms it. Hourly.

      • Alan

        In 140 characters or less! That’s quite a feat.

    • Keith Taylor

      Only some Americans. The ones who think he’s fine and a good president, unlike that foreign-born lying coloured guy. The percentage who loathe Donald Trump is in the majority and it seems to be growing. And growing. And the rest of the world, of which I am a part, absolutely does have its full complete share of whacked-out idiots too.
      Also, U.S. citizens were not such dopes, ever, as to elect Donald Trump in an election that was honest and fully above board. Which they didn’t. The Republicans stole it. 2013 Supreme Court Decision. Voting Rights Act. Shoddy ballot machines, and not enough even of them, in Democrat majority areas. Interstate Crosscheck. Voters removed from rolls on phony pretext. Lots of other tricks, no doubt, which I’m not aware of.
      YOU DIDN’T ELECT HIM!

  • Edith Prickly

    I’m actually OK with Trump being his usual tacky, boorish self at a National Prayer Breakfast, because the whole idea of politicians being expected to show up and kowtow to pushy religionists has always irritated me. It’s also a nice way to show what total hypocrites the political Christians are – they’d bless Trump if he took a shit at the podium as long as they get what they want.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    You’ve heard of The Beatitudes? Well, there’s a new small-fingered Messiah in town and these are the FU Attitudes:

    Blessed is the original host of The Apprentice, for have you seen the ratings for that Kraut guy? Sad.

    Blessed are those who grab pussy, for they shall not be able to control themselves and you get away with it because you’re a celebrity and it’s terrific.

    Blessed are the strong because they will stomp on John McCain. Weak.

    Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for attention for they will never get enough.

    Blessed are the pitiless, for they will show no mercy.

    Blessed are the foul in heart, for they will see God or some damn thing or other.

    Blessed are the warmongers, for they will be called to account. Not!

    Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for it’s fun fucking you guys over.

    Blessed am I when I revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for you got schlonged and, I’m telling you, I have a great schlong. The best schlong ever. Everybody says I have the greatest schlong.

    • cleos_mom

      Judging from the comments on religious radio stations the next day “God’s people” would be fine with that rewrite.

  • DracaJam

    Evan, you win the Internets with this one. “the man speaks like a preschooler on meth”

    • Bongstar420

      I’m not sure thats the best phrase to use. They prescribe amphetamines to kids for ADHD, so meth is just stronger

    • hmna

      The chemical difference between meth and Ritalin is a methyl group. And they have very similar effects on the brain.

      So I say let’s get Trump on Ritalin! Maybe it will help with his ADHD.

  • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

    Instead of “mother fucker,” my friends prefer “Oedipus!”

    • DT

      I hear he had a quite complex complex.

  • JParkerSD46

    Wouldn’t it be instructive as to Dear Leader’s Christian upbringing if he’d been invited to recite, extemporaneously, The Lord’s Prayer and the little gathering of people of good will?

  • Dazza

    Trump is still the Executive producer of “Apprentice” so if people watch Arnold to piss off Trump, Trump still makes money.

  • Remember that endless nightmare from which we recently awoke? When we had a president who would make cogent and appropriate speeches at public events and didn’t just talk about whatever was on TV three seconds before he walked up to the podium? Thank goodness THAT’S over!

    • cleos_mom

      During the election I heard a truly delicate blossom telling the host on the “Progressive” radio station (a/k/a The Jill Stein Show at the time) about having “survived” the horrors of the 1990s. Low unemployment and other tragedies, really ten times worse than the Bowling Green Massacre.

  • freakishlystrong

    He’s mentally ill. Freedumb of Religion means you don’t ban certain ones from entering our country.

  • docterry6973

    I especially like it when Trump bragged about how great his appointees are, and how good DefSec “Mad Dog” Mattis is at killing people.

  • Michael Loraine

    NO! He’s a Muslim from Scotland! He doesn’t even know where Kenya IS, but he knows it’s a BAD place.

  • cleos_mom

    Not only is it authentic GOPvangelical gibberish……

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ke5Mr5eCF2U

  • Keith Taylor

    Donald Trump and prayer breakfast. Listen, I’m not even devout and I find that blasphemously offensive. As usual he couldn’t focus on prayer or anything other than himself for ten seconds. But it does give me an excuse to vent and rage as I contemplate the fatuous comparisons some Trump fans have been making between Donald Trump and King David of ancient Israel. (Hallelujah!)
    They actually do admit Trump has a fault or two and a reprehensible record where women are concerned. Maybe in one or two other areas also. But he’s reached the Oval Office and therefore it must be God’s Will, and after all David sinned as few men have sinned, even to sending a man to the front lines to get killed so that David could have a clear field with his wife, and David was anointed by God, so that means Trump’s presidency is also legit with the Almighty, even if he commits sins like lying constantly.
    Starting with David — from any rational point of view it’s questionable that he really was chosen by the Lord God Almighty, Architect and Creator of the Universe. I’ve read the story in the King James Version, many times because it’s a gripping story among other reasons. Funny how sceptics and doubters actually do seem sometimes to have READ the Bible more than the people who pound it as absolute authority.
    What happened is this. The Israelites had been under the authority of off-again, on-again people called the Judges for a long time, and that had worked okay, but now they were in danger from hostile tribes who hassled, murdered and robbed them all the time, the Philistines especially, and temporary leaders couldn’t handle the situation. They needed a permanent leader, a war leader, who could kick some ass and save them from annihilation. That is to say, a king, like the nations around them all had.
    Samuel was a great prophet and also the last of the judges. The people appealed to him to choose and anoint a king. Samuel didn’t like this prospect; he was old, his two sons had proved to be real dicks and unworthy to succeed him, and he saw (I’m guessing) his power and authority about to slip away. He came out with a real old man’s rant.
    “You jerks want a king? You know how kings behave? He’ll take and disgrace your daughters! He’ll tax you into the dirt! He’ll make your sons serve in his army! You have to have a king? All right, all right, I’ll choose one for you! But I tell you now! YOU WILL WISH YOU NEVER SAID THE WORD KING!”
    So he picked a big brave powerful bloke named Saul, who could certainly lead men in battle but who wasn’t quite the most stable or wise man who ever lived. And Saul kicked ass and made the Israelites secure, or more secure than they’d been in some time, and everybody thought he was the greatest.
    Then came a big fight with the tribe considered the worst of the lot, the Amalekites, who had always been bandits and a general pain in the rear end. Besides, they had hassled the Israelites way back in the day, when they first came out of Egypt with Moses and Joshua. So Samuel told Saul, “Kill them all, including the last man, woman and child, and even the livestock, everything that moves, because God wills it.”
    Saul won the campaign but he didn’t carry out Samuel’s order completely. Samuel went into a frenzy, screamed, “You have defied the Lord and the Lord will remove you as King of Israel! And next time slaughter everything that breathes, like this!” And he hacked the captive Amalekite king to pieces in front of the altar of God, which was very pious, and then sulked off to choose a new king to replace Saul. He settled on the youngest son of Jesse, which was David, I would think in the hope that such a young untried kid would be grateful to the old king-making schemer and never get above himself the way that Saul had. But he warned David and his dad to keep this matter a deep secret because Saul would kill Samuel if he found out.
    The Bible makes Saul’s distrust of David seem unreasonable and paranoid, but in the light of the above, I’d say it wasn’t. And considering all the power-broking behind-the-scenes manipulation involved, I’d say maybe there are parallels to the Trump presidential campaign after all. But let’s leave God out of it. He had nothing to do with anointing David or Trump. Especially not Trump.

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