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Bible champion scholar
Bible champion scholar

The gleeful, useless idiots on “Fox & Friends” sat together on their respective couches Tuesday morning, trying not to giggle every time Steve Doocy or Brian Kilmeade, respectively, mischievously farted at one another. Typical Tuesday. But things got really fun when they got to talk to Fox News correspondent blonde lady Carley Shimkus, who was there to tell them why Al Sharpton is stupid for tweeting that Jesus Christ himself was a refugee, a point that seems pertinent right about now.

Let’s go to the transcript:

BRIAN KILMEADE (CO-HOST): Is Al Sharpton right that Jesus is a refugee?

CARLEY SHIMKUS: Well so — let’s talk about his tweet first. On Sunday he tweeted, “Before you head to church today, remember to thank God for his son Jesus a refugee who fled to Egypt.

STEVE DOOCY (CO-HOST): Well that’s not exactly accurate.

SHIMKUS: Well, according to the Bible, it’s really not. And a lot of people on social media had something to say about that. MC wrote, “umm his parents weren’t refugees. They traveled to pay their taxes. Please Al.” And then Brian, he made it personal. He wrote, “He paid his taxes unlike you. Different times, no comparison. He also returned to his home.” As you can imagine, the criticism continues to roll on in.

Oh yes, let’s talk to the divinity scholars who populate wingnut Twitter, for surely they were first in line when God was handing out reading comprehension skills. The Fox News “Carley Shimkus” lady concluded by giving Al Sharpton an “E for Effort” at ‘splaining the Bible, because of course she did.

(*HEAVY ANGRY SIGH*)

ALL RIGHT, it’s time for Wonkette Bible Study! Because listen up, you dumb “Fox & Friends” pube rockets, and also too the chairborne idiot viewers who tweet at them like “DUH HURRRRRR, JESUS’S MOM AND DAD WAS ONLY ON A ROAD TRIP CUZ THEY WERE PAYIN’ THEIR TAXES, UNLIKE A LIBTARD HAW HAW HAW,” you do not actually know the Bible as well as you think you do. IN FACT, it sounds to us like the depth of your theological knowledge comes from going to the nativity scene every Christmas at your local country church, where the donkey and Mary and Joseph and the wise men and some goats and the Good Samaritan and the cast of “Veggie Tales” came together to coo over the Christ child, who was white.

Open your fucking Bibles, idiots.

Here’s Matthew 2:13-22, which the NIV translation helpfully headlines, “The Escape to Egypt,” because “escaping” is obviously what you do when you’re going to pay your taxes (numbers are verse numbers, in case you are a heathen):

13 When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.”

14 So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, 15 where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.”

16 When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi.

Gosh, it’s almost as if the entire family of Jesus ESCAPED TO EGYPT AS REFUGEES, because they did not want their baby to be murdered by Herod, much like entire Syrian families are ESCAPING SYRIA AS REFUGEES, trying to go anywhere their little babies won’t get murdered by ISIS or by Putin’s and Assad’s bombs.

And yes, they did come home, WHEN HEROD WAS DEAD, as refugees sometimes do when the danger has passed.

Now, about those taxes. Let’s go to the gospel of Luke, chapter the second, which describes the journey Joseph and Mary took FROM NAZARETH (in Galilee) TO BETHLEHEM (in Judea), to take part in Caesar Augustus’s census. Here is why they went there, according to Bible:

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2 (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3 And everyone went to their own town to register.

4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

And zing bang boom, for unto us a child is born, and his name shall be calleth! Right there in Bethlehem in Judea, which is BIBLE GEOGRAPHY FUCKING FACT, not in Egypt.

So, to get the chronology straight, in the census/taxation story, which takes place in Bethlehem, Jesus is NEWBORN BABY years old. When Herod finds out about baby messiah Jesus, he issues the decree to murder all the boy baby children, and the family then flees to Egypt AS REFUGEES.

What we are trying to communicate here is that these dicksnorts on Fox News are confused because we are talking about two separate events. WHOA IF TRUE! Stupid morons.

This concludes Bible Time, may the Lord bless you and keep you all.

[Bible Gateway via Media Matters]

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  • o’look Skwerl!

    Hahahahaha, trying to teach right-wing Christians the Bible is dum.

    • mackafritz

      They have their alt bible.

  • Swampay

    Of course, there’s no actual historical record of any of this shit, so you can kinda make up whatever you want. But yeah, if you’re going to claim that the book is literally true, you kinda oughta be consistent with that.

  • Swampay

    OT, but: fwiw, here’s what I read to Mitch McConnell’s office just now. I doubt it will do much good, but….
    Mr. McConnell,
    This is an historical moment for America. The American people have somehow been fooled into electing a potential tyrant.

    In Mr. Trump’s short time in office he has shown a willingness, an eagerness even, to act unconstitutionally and to subvert American values. His actions with the ban on Muslim immigration, threatening the free press, and telling outright lies to the American people are unacceptable.

    Mr McConnell, I am a democrat. I have voted pretty close to a straight democratic ticket since 1976. But it is up to you now, the Republican party, to save America from this threat.

    I firmly believe that in 100 years the history books will look on this sad time and comment harshly on the collaborationists who continue to enable this anti-American behavior. Please do what you can to fight for our constitution.

    I don’t call upon you (yet) to call for impeachment. I recognize that “your side” is “winning”. I just ask you to do what you can to protect our constitution from this tyrant.
    Thank you.

  • bookish

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/energy-environment/wp/2017/01/31/a-new-battle-over-politics-and-science-could-be-coming-and-scientists-are-ready-for-it/?utm_term=.6926904fc095

    Trump administration officials are exerting more control over the agency’s [EPA] outward communications, according to multiple reports, including those by the Washington Post. Scientists have been alarmed by these moves, as well as the overall tenor of the administration on scientific issues like climate change (Trump has not yet appointed a White House science adviser) and some are even now planning a march on Washington, D.C.

    Yet we shouldn’t get too far ahead of ourselves here. There has been no specific claim of an Environmental Protection Agency scientist being prevented from communicating or accurately conveying information to the public (yet). There is also reason to think that what’s happening now may only be temporary, and attributable to the transition that’s currently happening, rather than representing a permanent new setting for the science-politics relationship in government.

    • chimichanga

      We need to shame the President by letting him know how weak he is. He will freak and fire some of the maniacs he’s installed.

  • janecita

    “They paid their taxes” unlike your crooked, narcissistic, ignorant “president.”

  • diogenez
    • Jeffery Campbell

      Blinded by the white.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Wrapped up like a douche.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Well…right off the bat, the very idea of someone returning to ~gulp~ “pay taxes” really confused the already brain-challenged FUXbots. Down hill after that. These Trump Toadies never recover when they ponder the idea that taxes are the price of civilization.

    http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/c6/c6c38e312e45d1f8d42c0669fcb9d0a45714da93d1546445eaccd30668685239.jpg

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    “don’t worry about the myrrh so much next time.”

  • beingreleased
    • Thiazin Red

      I do love that bit in exodus. In the story the Hebrews live for years in Egypt maintaining their culture, but a couple days without Moses and its all orgies and worshiping the golden calf.

      • Michael Smith

        I wonder whose idea the golden calf was. Moses was gone for like a day and a dude came down the steps like “Heyyyy.. look who i brought with me!!” And its the golden calf, and people are high fiving him like “nice move.”

      • Celtic_Gnome

        To be fair, it was all Edward G. Robinson’s fault.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Don’t mean to be all nit-picky, but you left out the part about hating on the gheys.

  • janecita

    Man, what is it with conservative chicks, and their crazy eyes? They are fucking scary!

    • Suttree

      Drug abuse. Trust me. I dated a few. They were coke fiends!

  • Shoto
  • chimichanga

    I hope God is real because the RW Christo-facists are going straight t oblivion.

  • Chadwells

    How do these morons make it through the day without killing themselves like 13 times before they walk out the door in the morning? I’m beginning to think Darwin may have been wrong because only stupid seems to thrive these days.

  • SeeTrain65

    Dude, if they don’t get the “money-lenders out of the temple” stuff, they sure as hell won’t get this.

    • Sandy Beaches

      “What you do unto the least of me, you do unto me” – Jesus – That one seems pretty self explanatory, too, but apparently not even Billy Graham, Jr. gets it, hence the reason why it’s okay to handcuff five year olds.

    • JMP

      In Catholic school, they tried to claim that when Jesus said it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to go to heaven, he was really just referring to a gate that it was kind of hard for a camel to get through and not an actual eye of a needle. Even in fourth grade, that set my bullshit meter off and it seemed obvious this was really because most of the class’ parents were really rich.

      • h4rr4r

        That is one of those stories that keeps coming up, rich folks like it.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Oh just great. So now Libz are pretending that facts matter even in the Bibble…

  • WomanInTheResistance

    I just got an email from the White House. Wtf?

    • OneYieldRegular

      I’m guessing it wasn’t a late invitation to the Alfalfa Club Dinner?

    • ViveLaRésistance

      Which camp do you have to report to?

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Tule Lake for our zip code…

        • Crank Tango

          Pickin horseradish roots?

          • Beanz&Berryz

            And wild asparagus. For dinner.

      • msanthropesmr

        They never deliver up into the hills.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Did someone who hates you sign you up for a newsletter? Or is Bannon crushing on you?

      • WomanInTheResistance

        Apparently Trump is making an announcement about his choice for SCOTUS. And seriously, wtf?

        • CogitoErgoBibo

          Well, let us know if they actually say anything useful. You can be our Wonketteer on the inside.

          Actually, did you ever send a polite, nice email to the White House under Barry Obamz? Maybe they’re using the same email list. Because of all the cross-over, you know. They’re that smart.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            Well, dammit. And btw, Trump is announcing his SCOTUS pick.I think I’ll be sick.

          • CogitoErgoBibo

            Yup. He actually announced the timing last night. So if all his emails are that timely, you’ll be dead by the time he tells you he accidentally nuked Europe.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            As long as he doesn’t clog up my inbox. Sorry, phrasing.

          • CogitoErgoBibo

            Dirty! ;-)

          • FigaroPho

            I think it’s adorable you think Trump nuking Europe would be an accident.

          • Suttree

            I thought they were starting everything over? Just like Obama never happened!

    • janecita

      RUN!!!

    • MynameisBlarney

      “I got a letter from the govt. the other day, I opened and read it, it said they were suckas.”

      ~Chuck D. Public Enemy

      • msanthropesmr

        They wanted me for the army or whatever picture me giving a damn I said never

        • Suttree

          Here is a land that never gave a damn

          • Crank Tango

            I wasn’t wit it but just that very minute it occurred to me, the suckers had authority.

    • JMP

      Did it recommend how you can learn to make money fast in real estate by enrolling in Trump University?

      • Rick Hill

        “You too can enter teh exciting and lucrative world of politics…”

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    FINALLY some action in the Senate on the EO on immigration (even if it probably never crawls out of committee).
    https://twitter.com/MarkWarner/status/826505159400357888

    • JMP

      The order is already blatantly illegal, but every bit of demonstrating that it’s not acceptable helps.

  • h4rr4r

    I am as atheist as it gets, yet all these bible clutchers never seem to read the damn thing.

    Now learn them about Onan’s actual sin. I hate when they screw that up.

    • Sandy Beaches

      I’ve been told I have no right to an opinion regarding Biblical matters because I am agnostic and can’t possibly know what the Bible says. Yes, nutters, because no one ever grew up attending church and then made their own mind up about what they believe.

      • h4rr4r

        I don’t believe star wars happened, yet I can tell you all about that also too.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Star Wars is a bit more believable than talking snakes, mud men and women made from mud men ribs.

          Except for the prequels. Those are fucking shite.

      • h4rr4r

        It’s a fucking book, what you believe has no impact on your ability to read.

      • cats530

        I’m sure you have no right to your opinion on the pearls of wisdom contained within “Atlas Shrugged” or “Fountainhead” either, for those very same reasons you delineated.

    • Swampay

      Can I say my favorite verses again? Deut 25:11-12: If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity

      I just love that shit. Every time I read it I think, “how often did this come up that it needs to be put in the Big Book of Rules right alongside the interior decorating scheme for the temple?

      • h4rr4r

        You ever been hit in the stones?

        I can see where they were coming from.

      • JMP

        It’s favorite Bible verse time! I like when god sent bears to eat forty-two children in revenge for mocking a prophet for being bald:

        ” Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the
        way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him,
        “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” When he looked behind him
        and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female
        bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to
        Samaria.”

        • Swampay
        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          I like Mathew 27:52-53. IT’S GOT ZOMBIES!

          • guppy06

            Ezekiel 23:20
            Horse semen!

        • Celtic_Gnome

          If they’d mocked him about having small hands, and the bears ripped them apart, Betsy DeVos would have a legitimate point about arming the kids.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Girlz used to fight dirty…

      • laughingnome

        That passage is really about how bad it is for a woman to touch a man’s genitals – so bad even a wife shouldn’t do it to protect her husband from an assault. That’s how anti-sex these bronze age dudes were.

        • h4rr4r

          I don’t think it was anti-sex, I think it was anti being hit in the balls.

          The issue here is that if your husband was losing a fight you might try a low blow like that. This could lead to permanent damage, eg sterility or even death. When you have no medical treatment a ruptured testicle is a really big deal.

          • There are still dudes running around suggesting that a woman hitting them in the balls is somehow worse than any kind of trauma a man could do to a woman. And to that I say: If a man is doing something bad enough that the result sterilizes him, perhaps we didn’t need his genetic material anyway.

          • h4rr4r

            I am not sure wjat this has to do with the topic at hand. I would prefer people not assault each other.

            Nor am I sure as to why what a man might be doing has to be done with being struck in the testicles. So far in my life it has either been an unprovoked attack or toddler.

        • Swampay

          That almost makes sense. Still, it seems awfully specific for the Big Book of Rules.

      • Michael Smith

        “That’s it, Joe. I’m putting the “no grabbing nuts” rule in the scripture.”

        “What? Dude, no. What will people in the future people think?”

        “They’ll think ‘thanks, Ancient Hebrews, now we don’t have to get grabbed by the nuts any time some woman thinks we are mistreating her husband.'”

        “Well, you do have a point there.”

        • Swampay

          double upfist

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Onan is a truly great name for a parakeet, because they spill their seed on the ground too.

      • h4rr4r

        That I have but one upfist to give this comment is one of the great regrets of my life.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Different Jesus. This one is white and likes guns, but doesn’t like healthcare, The Gays or The Blacks, and certainly not the Muslims.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Next on FOX and Friends: Planned Parenthood wants you to believe that immaculate conception just isn’t possible!

  • cgthegeek

    You really expect these people to read that Bible before they hurl it at others?

    • snark-lurker

      To read the bibble is to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge.

  • Suttree

    Thanks for the bad flashbacks to Sunday school Evan. You owe me a bunch of drinks now.

  • I’m convinced that most atheists know more about the Bible than most Christians.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      That has been my experience.

    • Well, the more you read of the bible, the more absurd it seems so that does stand to reason…

    • Jo Mathie

      I think most atheists aren’t blind to the bonkers hypocrisy of someone knocking on your door providing judgement about homosexuals while wearing clothing made from mixed fibres and getting all flustered when you ask them if Adam and Eve were the only people then aren’t we all the product of incest?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        The mother of a friend in high school believed that Cain, after killing Abel and being kicked out, mated with gorillas, and that was the origin of the Negro race. She never did explain how Cain’s descendants survived the Flood.

        • Jo Mathie

          … Does that explain Bigfoot? Maybe there were Bigfoots on the Ark? Also still incest if you are going with white people and black people as different species. unless there was interbreeding, and I give up. I don’t think my brain is elastic enough to work out religion.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      I was a religion major in a past life. I absolutely believe all residents of the USA (and probably Europe) should read the bible, just to get a basic understanding of the horrible multi-generational shitshow they’ve stumbled into.

    • Rags
  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Slightly O.T. True story!
    When I was working in the local library’s AV department a Guy came up to me and said He wanted to watch Godspell so I got His library card and set Him up. After a few minutes He said He was done. I asked why He didn’t want to watch the whole thing. He said He just wanted to see who was plying Him in this version.

  • Rick Hill

    Well, obviously it’s more important for Jeebus to not die because he was Jeebus! Those Syrian kids only have the chance to be saved because the lawd in his infinite wisdom needed to keep his kid alive till they had the whole sacrifice and stuffs.

    • Oblios_Cap

      It’s easier to face death if you know you’ll be resurrected. At least I would certainly think so.

  • jowgajen
  • DustBowlBlues

    I read Crossan’s book on early Xianity. It was a hard fucking book. Hard. But my takeaway was that Jesus of Nazareth was from an area where farmers had lost their land because the Roman’s wanted to build a fabulous little city on all the land. Nazareth was a hotbed of radical opposition to political authority.

    So, yeah, he was brown and possibly illiterate. The flight to Egypt was to get away from Herod’s slaughter of children. Serious refugees.

    • msanthropesmr

      Were the Romans named Trump? Did they want to build a golf course?

    • guppy06

      Illiterate? You know who else was “unlettered?”

  • Arse Grammatica

    Well except that this passage in Matthew is likely bogus. No record of Herod slaughtering firstborns (though he slaughtered lots of others).

    Matt wanted Jesus to be Moses so that biblical passages obviously about Moses (“Out of Egypt I called….”, etc) could be supposed to be about JC.

    And he supposed erroneously.

    • guppy06

      Everybody was into slaughtering everybody back then.. They were doing it in Texas, etc.

  • msanthropesmr

    Remember God hates shrimp.

    • mackafritz

      And Jesus hates fig trees.

    • Rick Hill

      True but he lervs them crab cakes….

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Those crab cakes we like…

      • Don’t be shellfish

  • Crystalclear12

    is it nice time yet?
    can we have nice time now?

    • ViveLaRésistance

      I finally caved and got the app that replaced Trump with kitties AND followed the cute animal pics on Twitter. It does help.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Self care is important.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Right Wing Jeebus was no filthy refugee.

    Take it back!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Jesus was a Protestant. He just was.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        A Calvinist, in fact. A money-grubbing Calvinist.

      • guppy06

        “Peter, Paul, I don’t know why I’m giving you these keys; you’re just going to fuck everything up anyway.”

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Should have asked Mary. Women are always good at finding keys.

  • JMP

    Though Herod has got to be one of the most slandered individuals in history, considering that most Christians except the Bible story about his killing all the babies as history despite the fact that it never actually happened, no more than having to travel to your ancestor’s home town for a census was a thing in the Roman Empire instead of just a convoluted retcon to try and explain how Jesus of Nazareth could fulfill the prophecies of a messiah born in Bethlehem.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      The Bible is A history and AN Science book. You lie.

    • artem1s

      also a failed convoluted retcon as this was also an effort to trace Jeebus lineage to David via Joseph who, also according to their crazy mythology, WAS NOT HIS FATHER!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      They have found records from ancient Egypt that list the number of bushels of grain harvested in a season. They have not, however, found any records mentioning losing their entire unpaid workforce overnight.

  • SmokinGood

    Jesus Fucking Christ in a cracker. I haven’t touched a Bible or attended a service in almost two decades, and yet, by some miracle, I was able to completely predict precisely what was about to unfold from this clusterfuck of charlatans as soon as I saw the words “Jesus” and “refugee” in the same sentence.

  • OrG

    Yeah,they don’t understand the Constitution either.

  • ViveLaRésistance

    I grew up in the Southern Baptist church (don’t worry, I got better). Baby Jesus and his family were often referred to as refugees by my Sunday school teachers in the 60s and 70s. Of course, their source material showed the holy family as Nordic blonds and Herod as a hook-nosed brown person so I’m not sure they were being nice.

    • cats530

      lol – same thing with my indoctrination (during the 70s). Sadly (for them), the indoctrination failed. The reading materials were exactly as you depicted. The evil ones were ugly and brown and the saintly were beautiful and Aryan.

  • bookish

    Trump two for one order “mindless”.

    Whitman also expressed strong concern at an executive order Trump signed Monday mandating that federal agencies unwind two regulations for every one they issue. That policy could hamper efforts to protect public health when there is a clear basis for regulation, she said.
    “It’s just mindless. You have to think more than that,” she says of the executive order. “You can argue that regulations overreach, but the substance of what they’re addressing is reviewed by scientists. They target a problem. There’s not a box of irrelevant regulations.”

    • snark-lurker

      These EOs: are they not like pieces of apparel being hung on His Orangenest, INVISIBLE apparel!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You have to think more than that

      I think, right here, we’ve identified a major stumbling block.

  • weejee

    Were Kilmeade & Doocy(bag) figuratively farting, literally farting, or perhaps liberally farting? The GOP juvenile males want to know.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    They live entrenched in their belief they have put their faith in the teachings found in book they have never read.

    • cats530

      and lest you forget, they believe the Wholly Babble is the “literal and inerrant word of gawd.”

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        You’d think that alone would make them curious enough to at least skim it.

      • Yr. Gma

        Yes, and it took a contentious bunch of old men to decide which manuscript would end up in the official version.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    In other news, anyone who uses this Iron Age document as a science textbook should have to answer whether YHWH created apes first or humans.
    [ANSWER (no peeking!): Yes. Gen. 1 & Gen. 2]

    • weejee

      Why do they hate evil-lution, the Big Bang, and geology but they stay silent on that rogue Maxwell pooping on Genesis 1:3 and showing us the light?

  • Bill D. Burger

    It’s what Republican Jesus would want! Amen.

    https://cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder138/500x/65616138.jpg

  • cats530

    “Here’s Matthew 2:13-22, which the NIV translation helpfully headlines….”

    Stop right there! Fundies and Friends don’t believe in the NIV version. They follow the Westboro Baptist version. They have a particular fondness for the Book of Mammons.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Come on, you don’t expect them to actually READ the bible, do you?

    I mean, if they actually read the thing, they’d realize that Jesus and the early church were communists, that God wants people to take care of the poor, and that rich people are all pretty much headed straight to hell, which would make for some awkward conversations at Washington cocktail parties.

    • That is assuming, of course, that half of them didn’t become atheists by the time they reached the book of Numbers.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        It’s soul-stirring stuff like this that really does it for me:

        “Adam begat Seth; and Seth, Enos, [Adam, Seth, Enos,] Kenan, Mahalaleel, Jered, Henoch, Methuselah, Lamech, Noe, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. The sons of Japheth were Gomer, Magog, Madai, and Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras.Forsooth the sons of Gomer were Ashchenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah. And the sons of Javan were Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim. The sons of Ham were Cush, and Mizraim, Put, and Canaan. And the sons of Cush were Seba, and Havilah, Sabta, and Raamah, and Sabtecha. And the sons of Raamah were Sheba, and Dedan. And Cush begat Nimrod; this Nimrod began to be mighty in [the] earth. And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim, and Pathrusim, and Casluhim, of which the Philistines and Caphthorim went out, or came. (and Pathrusim, and Casluhim, and Caphthorim, from whom the Philistines came.) And Canaan begat Sidon, his first begotten son (his first-born son), and Heth, and (the) Jebusite, and Amorite, and Girgashite, and Hivite, and Arkite, and Sinite, and Arvadite, and Zemarite, and Hamathite. The sons of Shem were Elam, and Asshur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram. And the sons of Aram were Uz, and Hul, and Gether, and… “

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Where do Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo fit in?

        • Michael Smith

          Can’t put that shit down.

        • Yr. Gma

          The trick, as I understand it, is to visualize the begetting.

          • jodyleek

            Oh, I just usually lie back and think about magnolias.

        • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

          I believe that’s the totally science-based formula for coming up with the totally scientific answer of “Earth is 6,000 years old.”

      • Michael Smith

        I like the part in the very beginning where an angry mob forms outside Lot’s house because they want to rape the strange men they just saw go inside, and to appease them Lot offers them his daughters (they refuse though). And Lot was the guy that got saved from Sodom.

        Later, though, those resourceful ladies got him back when they got him all liquored up and boned him because they were afraid that now that the city was gone, they would never find husbands and have kids.

        • Yr. Gma

          Family values.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Yr. Gma

      I don’t know how many times I have had to convince some moran that Jesus was not a Christian. (In my old age, I am officially giving up trying.)

  • Lizzietish81
  • Bill D. Burger
    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      “Thanks for church-going women, with their mean, pinched, bitter, eeeevil faces.”

      • cats530

        That one looks like it attends tent revivals with rattlesnake-handling to winnow out the truly faithful.

    • MynameisBlarney

      She seems nice. I wonder if she’s single.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Let’s hope she never breeds.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Oh I bet she’s got a double-wide just slap full of mulleted, mini rednecks.

          • But you were wondering if …

            ISWYDT

          • Farrrrrrrrrrts

            Don’t worry, we Messicans can outbreed the shit out of her. Give us 20 years.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Don’t misunderestimate the fertility of white-trash womerns.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      She looks exactly like my friend’s ultra-liberal Unitarian mom. Well, except the anger.

  • Crystalclear12

    Good “shouting in the wilderness”,Evan.

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    But what about the two Corinthians, huh? Got an answer for that, smartypants? Where do they come in?

    • Sandy Beaches

      Right after Two Dalmations

    • SeeTrain65

      “Two Corinthians walk into a bar. You’d think the first one would have warned the second.” – My own slant of an old Howie Mandel joke.

    • guppy06

      They’re in the seating in Trump’s Chrysler.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    “Let’s go to the gospel of Luke, chapter the second”

    UM EXCUSE ME, I think you mean Two Lukes.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Two Lukes, one Cup (of the blood of our Lord and Savior).

    • Sandy Beaches

      That’s gay.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      When I hear “2 Lukes” in my head, it is in a Joe Pesci voice.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        That reminds me of all the trouble I got into when I was a luke. I always got caught.

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        Highly appropriate. Has anyone seen Trump and Pesci in the same room at the same time?

    • aureolaborealis
    • Michael Smith

      “Amen I say to you, you shall not see me again until I get your reaction to this video.”

    • Spurning Beer

      Two and a Half Lukes

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Yup. One month after Christmas–one month!–and fake Christian Mike Pence stands next to Donald Trump as he signs that order. Six year olds understand that story, Mike! It’s the central myth of your so-called faith. Congratulations on your promotion to Vice Innkeeper.

  • bookish

    Trump’s generals to protect democracy?

    https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/01/trump-vs-the-generals/515109/?google_editors_picks=true

    That leaves few people in a better position to push back than Trump’s generals. They’re within the administration, and they were chosen in part to give the president some credibility: Their military experience made them respectable, and imparted competence that Trump needed to borrow. And while Trump’s critics worried that they would either lean toward an authoritarian model or else follow commands in the military manner, a series of reports suggests that they’re already frustrated with the president and feuding with his aides.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Baby Jesus wasn’t a refugee. He was a fugitive, escaping the justice of King Herod, who was after all just trying to preserve his throne using the perfectly reasonable method of slaughtering all the newborn male infants he could get his hands on.

  • Martini Ambassador

    Joseph and Mary were only headed to Bethlehem for the crabs’ legs and free Obama-parchments. True story.

  • LarryHoudini

    Thanks for getting Bible lesson all over my Wonkette, Fox N Friends fuckers–you idiots will really pay for this now!!!!

  • beingreleased
  • SpaceCaptainWarlock

    Isn’t the bible basically just fanfic anyway?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It is the way the fundigelicals interpret it.

    • guppy06

      Nah, fanfics are more the domain of Alighieri, Milton and LaHaye.

  • MynameisBlarney

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWvqn8F7YMs

    That it takes mass protests to get you bastards to say that you’re gonna do your fuckin’ jobs fuckin pisses me right the fuck off.

    In case you didn’t fuckin know. That is why the fuck you were elected in the 1st fuckin place.

    Goddammit!

    • FigaroPho

      I know but Democrats are candy asses who are afraid of their own shadows. They won’t stand up unless they know that doing so isn’t as risky as they fear. The protests give them moral authority and political cover.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Herod issued a lawful executive order. Instead of running away they should respect the will of the people.

  • (Mutters something about euhemerisation of a myth, taxing thing didn’t happen, neither did the massacre, Nazareth wasn’t a city … mutter mutter mutter)

  • RobKanC

    Moral of this story: if Egypt has built that wall, we wouldn’t have to deal with all these asshole christians. Let’s put up that wall.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Asshole Hebrews used as slave labor. But, they needed all those monuments…

      • RobKanC

        But the wall would have been a bigger monument than the pyramids, imo. If it suits our dear leader, it would have suited the pharoahs.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Look, bub, they needed a place to store the grain, OK?

      • Michael Smith

        Oh Jesus Christ, its been like five thousand years, you think the Hebrews would get over it. News flash snowflakes: Pharoah doesn’t owe you anything.

  • canes_pugnaces

    Clearly from the alternative bible writing about the alternative Jesus, the one who didn’t like guns and killing people.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Hit them with the Bible they worship like a golden calf. That’s the way to do it, Rev. Al.

  • FDRliberal

    More proof why Trump’s Muslim Ban really is a Muslim Ban, despite the lame denials from the Trump Regime.

    https://twitter.com/simon_schama/status/826457630084329472

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      It’s not a Muslim Ban, it’s a ban that applies only to Muslims. Don’t you get it???

    • beingreleased

      “Does this ban apply to Israelis who were born in Iraq and Iran?”
      “Only if they’re Muslim.”

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Everything I know about the Bible I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas special.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    When I taught Sunday School I managed to work Rigoberta Menchu into this story as a more contemporary example. Thank you President Trump for providing us new Sunday School examples to replace the tired old Reagan ones.

  • Michael Smith

    “When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious”

    Sounds like someone we know.

    • Crank Tango

      O. Henry?

    • Michael Smith

      “We three Lawyers from the ACLU
      Bearing writs for an injunction or two.”

      • calliecallie

        Bannon’s loaded,
        Trump exploded,
        Kellyanne’s kind of blue.
        Oh…

    • beingreleased

      You can bet Herod fired off a mean tweet or two.

      • Michael Smith

        “Oriental ‘wise men’ came to Judea to see a king, but spent the night with homeless family in a barn. Sad.”

        • laughingnome

          I’ll send my two Corinthians to kick their asses out.

    • artem1s

      didn’t John accuse him of incest too? reincarnation anyone?

      • Rick Hill

        C’mon. trump hasn’t been formally accused of incest…

        • Marion in Savannah

          Yet.

    • guppy06

      Herod didn’t have the option to nuke Magi Land.

      • Michael Smith

        Nobody tell Trump that the Magi were probably Iranian.

        • Marion in Savannah

          Well, it’s probable that they were Zoroastrians, so Iranian is very likely.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Donnie was outwitted by the maze on the diner placemat.

  • Suttree

    Can we make every kid read Joseph Campbell whenever we are able to fully institute Common Core? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/eccf6b4fe519a6b3fd1cfce311ea94f5d0eedd5983a0e0bbd16b01cdb229d6f4.jpg

    • Bill D. Burger

      I adore that man. And on religions and religious matters, got to give a shout to Sam Harris, Hitchens and Dawkins. Don’t agree with them about all things, but on religion, they do more often than not hit the target dead center.
      Hitchens’ last book had a subtitle “:How Religion Poisons Everything” that was soooo’ spot on.

      • Suttree

        Don’t forget about Marvin Harris’ Cows, Pigs, Wars, and Witches. When my father was going to Columbia he dropped his class.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Conservatives only understand the part of the Bible with the guns in it.

    • Vecchioivan

      The Second Amendment to the Bible.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        You mean Two Amendments.

        • aureolaborealis

          Amendments, Chapter 2:

          And the Lord did give him gunmetal and saltpeter,
          And it did diminish the smallness in his heart,
          And he felt a new fullness in his loincloth,
          And the power of life and death came upon him,
          And he did seek out conflict that he might defend himself thusly,
          And he did exult: “Wooohoooo! Fuck, yeah! SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED!!!”

      • Crank Tango

        Browning, Glock, and Smith and Wesson.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    The soon to be produced Trump Edition of the Bibble will take care of that.

  • DahBoner

    You don’t have to live like a refugee.
    https://youtu.be/HkVT2GD9sbM

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Besides, since when does Fox think brown peoples’ children being murdered by their governments is worse than taxes?

  • Jenny

    Whoa if true indeed.

  • msanthropesmr

    You know who thinks that the refugee ban is a bad idea? The southern Baptists. No, not the historically black wing. The cracker white wing.

    • guppy06

      The wing that voted for Trump? Don’t tell me they’re surprised…

      • msanthropesmr

        We had no idea he’d ban Muslims.

    • Yr. Gma

      They also opposed the cultist Romney.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Rumint

    Neil Gorsuch to be nominated to Supreme Court of the United States by President Trump.

    • msanthropesmr

      That’s not a real name.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        It is. Apparently not so pro-life that he wants women to die, but he wants to defund PP and was pro-hobby lobby.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          As we all know, once the kid is out of the birth canal, he/she is on their own.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Oh, lord have mercy, he’s a son of. His terrible mother was Reagan’s anti-earth head of the EPA.

      • puredog

        Anne Gorsuch was universally known among my many friends then working at the EPA as “The Acid Queen.”

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I thought we were all going to have to wait for the big, glorious Trumpian announcement at 8 PM? Who leaked?

    • Yr. Gma

      Again, I am shocked. SHOCKED!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    While vacationing in Egypt, Joseph and Mary will be staying at the beautiful Pyramids Resort and Grain Elevator, courtesy of Magi Airlines. Fly Magi!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The TRUMP INTERNATIONAL Pyramids Resort and Grain Elevator.

    • snark-lurker

      Fly, KaCa fly, upon your magi ship

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    It’s just a matter of hours before that question is part of the border questioning. Like everything Little Baby Donnie does, the right answer is the wrong answer.

  • Ooooh! Ooooh! I know! Wonkette should start a bible correspondence school!

    • Sandy Beaches

      We could form a church like John Oliver did. I know I could use the monies.

  • Vecchioivan

    These people realize “Reverend” isn’t Sharpton’s first name, don’t they?

    • Yr. Gma

      No, they don’t.

  • Grokenstein

    Ha ha ha, you guys are trying to tell the Goodest Christians of FoxHenhouse what’s in the Bible?!?
    (rewrites furiously)
    …There! Now they’re right! And have been right all along! Aaaaaa-mennnnnnn!

  • OrdinaryJoe

    So we know Joseph paid his taxes. Which is one fuck ton more information than we have about trump’s taxes.

    • Bill D. Burger

      realDonaldTrump @ ordinaryjoe
      people who pay taxes are stupid. idon’t like them. i have brain. SAD. Losers.

      • Kellyrpayne

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !sr320c:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !sr320c:
        ➽➽
        ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash870WebStreamGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!sr320c:….,…..

  • Oblios_Cap

    Christians that don’t know shit about Christ. Color me shocked.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    According to the gospel of Trump, “this Jesus guy was a loser. Why didn’t he travel in style with a classy gold horse? Not impressed. I like Messiah’s who don’t look like dirty hippies. Take a bath! Disgusting. Sad!”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’m reminded of the grail choosing test near the end of the third Indiana Jones movie.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        I’m reminded of the grail choosing test near the end of the last Indiana Jones movie.

        Anything done after that is a pile of dreck.

  • msanthropesmr

    Ot but I just got Spam that said “get the Trump coin whole you can”. I wonder if that means after his presidency, and images of his Reich will be forbidden to own.

    • snark-lurker

      again with the hard questions

  • Rick Hill

    Idk why you people keep bashing christians over their beliefs!
    http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aPBwR9w_460s.jpg

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    In the minds of wingnuts Jesus was a rich white guy who brought capitalism to America when he wrote the Constitution and made white guys supreme by making us look like him.

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      They’re all Mormons?

  • goonemeritus

    I got most of my christian learning by being tricked into watching Davey & Goliath.

  • Bill Slider

    Do you conduct Sunday religious services? Is this why we do not hear from you on Sundays? I see a live video teleconferencing program ofJesus and Evan Sunday service on Wonkette for you. Just remember to wear a super sexy short robe and remember to pass the collection plate. Someone is going to need to find a way to collect revenue to pay for that not cheap media trip from out west to Chicago, Washington, and somewhere in Oklahoma. Winnebago repairs, van rental, food and maybe shelter are not covered by Obamacare. Your many thousands of viewers would gladly provide their own sacrements.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?
    • Doesn’t cannibalism require him to be the same species?

      • Khavrinen

        Does eating pond scum count as vegan?

        • Depends whether you regard algae as animals

  • Vecchioivan

    So where does the part about White Santa parting the Red Sea come in?

    • Sandy Beaches

      Holy Moses on a Matzo! All this time, I thought it was Charlton Heston who did that!

    • snark-lurker

      when the FOXy blond starts on MSNBC

  • goonemeritus

    No way Libertarian Jesus payed no taxes!

  • Thanks Fox, but I’ll stick with Bart Ehrman for my biblical lernin.

  • Personal Note.

    My best beloved has banned me from going to Pentecostal services and speaking in tongues … which gradually morph from good to evil

    • Msgr_MΩment

      How is he/she on snake handling?

      • Against, snake skins are very easily damaged and get gross infections from humans (plus there’s the whole starvation thing to stop the venom from being to poisonous)

      • snark-lurker

        it’z not a snake if it’z stiff, stiff like a staff

    • Bill D. Burger

      However, I’m never giving up my ‘snake handling’….that’s necessary. Wait…tongues? We are talking in ‘euphenisms’ aren’t we?

      Oh…nevermind!

  • Jeffery Campbell

    Ooooh! I hope that Wonkette Bible Study Happy Time will be a regular feature. I would like to put my knowledge gleaned from 30+ years on an organ bench hearing two sermons a Sunday to good use!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      And I my years as a PK, which I like to call religious indoctrination innoculation.

      • Yr. Gma

        And my high-priced Adventist education.

    • Jennifer R

      I spent a LONG time reading the skeptics annotated bible, does that help?

    • Marion in Savannah

      Me too — I’ve got about 35 years in various Episcopal choirs.

      • Yr. Gma

        Episcopal choirs are the best. I go to the concerts every chance I get. I do love choral music. (More of that religious education of mine.)

    • sweeper

      I volunteer to translate the Hebrew and provide any historical info wanted. Seriously, I’ll forward a pic of my library for verification.

    • Started with GBS and Bertrand Russell and never looked back

  • Msgr_MΩment

    OT:
    SCOTUS: Who ya got? I’m going full Harriet Miers. She’s waited long enough.

  • Jennifer R

    Let’s just come out and say it. If you draw a paycheck from fox news as a “personality” you are a garbage christian.

    • MynameisBlarney

      They ain’t even pseudo-xtians.

      They’re simply propagandists for a bunch of fascist assholes.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Can I get one of those in blueberry?

      • MynameisBlarney

        *gasps*

        BLASPHEMER!!!!

        • I know! shameful way to waste maple syrup.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Need some coffee with that. Oh…Know how Jesus makes coffee?

      He-brews it!

      I’ll show myself out.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Please do!

        • Bill D. Burger

          If you need an ark….I Noah guy!

          Sorry…it just…doooooh’!

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Doh. I had to read that twice to get it…

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    While I despise my Mormon upbringing and the countless hours I spent in Sunday School and Seminary classes, at least I know what the fucking Bible says, so that’s one good thing to come out of all of that.

    I LOVE quoting it back at them when they’re wrong. And they’re always wrong.

    • beingreleased

      We all agree though that the central tenant of Buddhism is “Every man for himself”, right?

      • Vecchioivan

        I thought it was “Never wise up a sucker.”

        • MynameisBlarney

          Pffffft!
          Nonsense!

          It’s “Kill ’em all and let Buddha sort ’em out! OOORAAA!”

      • Khavrinen

        *tenet

        • beingreleased

          Uhh. Fixed. It was auto-correct’s fault, I swear.

          • Marion in Savannah

            I believe you. And always remember: “Clippy MUST DIE,” which is pretty much how I feel about auto-correct.

      • grindstone

        And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, beingreleased. I looked them up.

    • Serai 1

      What’s really funny is when they then accuse you of attacking them. By quoting their own book. That’s how you know they’re cornered.

    • Marion in Savannah

      My former mother-in-law, a little Italian lady, used to invite the Jehovah’s Witnesses in for coffee and cake and argue bible with them. They always left well and truly beaten up.

  • Carly Shimkus is Kellyanne Conway after the same CGI makeover they gave Anthony Hopkins for his flashback scenes in Westworld.

  • Ωbjectifier

    Curious how atheists seem to know scripture better than xianistias.

    • Jennifer R

      Who encourages reading and examined thought?

    • Serai 1

      SOME atheists. And most of them are cherry-picking.

      • A-a-a-a-nd the Bible bashers aren’t?

        • Yr. Gma

          Plenty of that to go around.

        • Serai 1

          THE POINT ———————————–>

          your head

  • DoILookAmused2u ?
    • Suttree

      Exactly as planned.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Yup.
        Ol pooty-poot didn’t want Hilz in charge because she’d at least try to prevent it from going all to hell.
        Trump OTOH, he probably doesn’t even know what’s happening.

        • Suttree

          Turnip and Vlad are very similar in that they get pissy when people don’t just do what they want.

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            In the case of Ukraine, it’s inconveniently populated by Ukrainians.

        • WotsAllThisThen

          Worse, Hilz might have the competence and experience necessary to stymie Putin’s efforts.

          Lucky for him, the American people electoral college voted against competence.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Funny, Trump and Putin talk on Saturday about cooperating on ISIS and Ukraine with Trump acting funny, and Sunday Russian-backed separatists launch bloody artillery attacks.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania…you’re in the on deck circle!

        • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

          They’re saving Poland and the Sudatenland (sp?) for Trump.

    • Serai 1

      And well they should.

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    Besides everything you said (and amen), I will say again what so many have said before me: “they paid their taxes unlike” exactly WHO, right wing motherfuckers?

    • Khavrinen

      Well, sure, Trump’s said he had a legit reason for all those taxes he didn’t pay, but then, he says a lot of contradictory shit, so we won’t really know until he releases the actual returns. Which he surely will, as soon as that pesky “audit” is over. Uh-huh, right.

  • sweeper

    Is it ok if I Jew this up a little? So the Christian story of Jesus escaping TO Egypt is super important symbolically for Christian theology because it connects the Jesus narrative with the story of Pesach, and the Jewish people coming out of Egypt. It connects Herod, (a Syrian-Greek governor who attempted to establish legitimacy by claiming to actually be Jewish,) to Pharaoh, a despotic, illegitimate ruler (OMG the symbolism!) who wanted to kill the Hebrew babies. It’s a key point of Christianity that their main guy is a refugee. Ok, I’m done, thanks for your indulgence.

    • Shhhh – logic frightens them

    • SweetDeeKat

      Even I, a godless heathen, know the story. Ok, it was force-fed to me as a youngster, but I still remember the fucking details.

      Plus, Jewing things up a little is always appreciated. Good perspective.

    • pstockholm

      “Herod’s father was by descent an Edomite whose ancestors had converted to Judaism. Herod was raised as a Jew.”

      • sweeper

        Weeellll, that’s up for question. The lineage of Herod in the Christian bible is specifically there to establish (no irony here at all,) the image of a legitimate”mandate” as leader of the Jews. He was, in fact, a political appointee pretty much assigned to marry, forcibly, into the Jewish hereditary leadership of the time and the depose them in order to subdue rebellion. It worked out well, as Christianity got the Jewish blame narrative, which enabled them over time to establish themselves in the ancient near East.

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      What you said only matters when it is convenient for them.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      And that’s why they can’t bake cakes for gay couples.

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      There’s a well documented belief that the new testaments were written to follow the Jewish litergical calendar – all the early guys were Jewish after all. So that symbolism wasn;’t coincidental -IT WAS THE F’ING POINT OF THE STORY! A little later the Christians forgot their Jewish roots and reinterpreted it all wrong.

      see especially the most recent books from this guy => John Shelby Spong

      • Marion in Savannah

        Your linky seems busted.

      • Ms.Moon

        I never got this I am Christian but I am aware that the first book of the Bible the Old Testament is the Jewish part. We (Christians) don’t use all of the books that the Jews use but we do have all those begots because for all those people who do not know the three main religions Islam, Christianity and Judaism are all descended from Abraham (Ibrahim) that’s why we’re considered the Abrahamic religions. Jesus himself was born a Jew, died one too Christianity came after Jesus.

      • sweeper

        I hear you on the connection, but I think the narrative was purposefully created to create a separate religion that non-Jews could easily join, as opposed to a Jewish subgroup. The pro Halacha, anti Roman groups lost, and the compromisers won. Try Robert Eisenman?

      • Lord Jim

        Instead, read Michael Goulder’s work itself. Spong is a crank.

  • Oneofthebobs

    Does the Bible say which airline Mary and Joseph used for their flight to Egypt?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Spirit?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Air Cleopatra

    • boyblue122

      3 Kings Airline

    • Thaumaturgist

      Actually, JMJ took the bus. No el.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Don’t know about that, but when the 3 Magi left to go home they took a Honda — they left with one Accord. (I guess the camels walked home?)

    • pstockholm

      Midwest Airlines. Low rates, probably.

    • britishvoiceman

      Reminds me of a story about a Kindergarten teacher asking her class to draw a picture of the flight into Egypt. One of the kids drew a small plane with three people inside. Asked who the third person pictured at the front of the aircraft was, he replied “That’s Pontius the pilot”.

      • Marion in Savannah

        God, but I love these! Like that old hymn about “Gladly, The Cross-Eyed Bear.”

        • Khavrinen

          My Dad always refers to “Breathe on Me, Breath of God” as “The Scope Hymn”.

          • JH Marx, Resister

            Bringin in the sheeps, Bringin in the sheeps, we are forever . . .

          • Marion in Savannah

            Love that! I hadn’t heard that one. I’ve heard “Rise Up, Ye Men of God” called the Viagra Hymn, and “The Church’s One Foundation” called the Maidenform Hymn. I’m adding yours to the list. Thanks!

    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      El Al?

    • ImGoingBacon

      Delta

      • nightmoth

        upvoted for the groan value

  • chicken thief

    I doubt either one of those are really Bible verses. Not one smitin’ or begatin’ in either account.

    • Serai 1

      The bible contains a couple of hundred references to helping the poor, the sick, and the widowed.

      • Lord Jim

        Clearly, liberal glosses which have crept into the inspired text.

        • Serai 1

          It’s those medieval monks. Bunch o’ Commies.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I really don’t understand how adults can take the bible seriously, much less believe it is either true or wise. A toddler is wiser than the bible. Hell, I learned more humanity from having cats than I did in many, many years of forced bible education as a child. And the fundaments have the nerve to…better stop now or I will start yelling again.

    • Jennifer R

      When from before you can talk people beat (sometimes physically in the south east) into you that this is deadly true, you develop an awesome case of Stockholm Syndrome.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Fair enough. I’m southern born myself, TX, so I know from redneck religious beatings.

        • Jennifer R

          Mountains of NC, when I was a kid someone would die every few years within 30 minutes of my house during a “Snake Handling” session.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            Holy cow! That’s quite frightening. I just got hit with a belt for making fun of jesus and stuff. Wow, god doesn’t love you so he has a snake bite your ass. T

          • Jennifer R

            Thankfully my parents were atheists and Buncombe county outlawed teachers hitting students. Otherwise I would have probably wrecked someone more likely to press charges than I eventually did.

          • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

            WV here. The same thing.

    • Serai 1

      The problem with the bible has nothing to do with wisdom. There’s a great deal of wisdom in it, which you’d know if you’d read it. The problem is that it’s not one book – it’s a whole host of books jammed together and treated as if they have anything in common. It would be like taking five histories, three law books, several biographies, a whole batch of letters, some volumes of poetry (including one long kinky love poem), several advice columns, and a paranoid screed written on acid, and publishing them in one volume as a coherent book. The elements might be fine but they make no sense put together.

      • Marion in Savannah

        That may very well be the best description of the Bible that I’ve heard in, like, forever. I’ve got half a mind to send it to our priest, who would almost surely agree.

        • Serai 1

          I forgot to add the traditional origin mythology, but thanks! I’d love to hear his reaction. :)

          • Marion in Savannah

            I just emailed it to Mr. MiS (he’s taking a nap) and I’m willing to bet he’ll agree too.

          • Lord Jim

            Example: the Flood story in Genesis follows fairly closely the story of Utnapishtim in the Gilgamesh epic. Except that they end quite differently, and the difference relates to something distinctive about Hebrew culture. John Walton’s Ancient Near-Eastern Thought and the Old Testament is an interesting study in such matters.

          • Serai 1

            The story of Jesus walking on water is nearly identical to a story about the Buddha, down to his admonishing the failing disciple for his lack of faith. And that story was being told 200 years before Jesus was born.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Advice columns? Dear Prudence, the talents and cubits edition…

      • LucindathePook

        I’ve seen it referred to as a Norton’s Anthology.

      • Nockular cavity

        Even if you grant that it is the inspired word of God (I don’t), it was written by committees (so to speak), edited by a committee, and translated (KJV, at least) by committee.

        So it has as much coherence or readability as any other product of bureaucracy. Hallelujah!

        • Ms.Moon

          It is also translated from another language, with context that people may or may not be familiar with as well.

          • Lord Jim

            Several languages (Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek) which all work quite differently from English.

        • Serai 1

          Some of it was. Other parts have been determined to have specific authors. In fact, scholars can actually tease out which author wrote different parts, by their style and their references. It’s an extremely complicated book, which is why I look just as much askance at atheist jiggery-pokery as Christian. They’re both over-simplifying it to an embarrassing degree.

          • Lord Jim

            Spot on, The Bible is a library of documents with very complex interrelationships and situated in a variety of cultural settings all of which are pretty alien to us. Want to study the intricate literary relationships among the first three Gospels? Got 20+ years to spare?

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Your points are very well made. However, I have read it, at times even voluntarily, and have found that whatever wisdom it contains is far outweighed by the viciousness and violence. It seems to me it’s like saying Stalin had some good points. Sure, maybe he did, but taken as a whole, I’d rather not trust someone who advocates genocide.

        • Serai 1

          If you see it as being weighted in favor of violence, that’s what you want to see. It’s certainly not the majority of the book, but hey, if you prefer to see the worst out of proportion, have at it.

  • boyblue122

    Bible has more than 140 characters so its too much for me to read. Weak, sad Bible

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Shoulda given it to George R.R. Martin. He’ll thin out those characters, stat!

      • ImGoingBacon

        I would buy those books immediately, and petition HBO to base a TV series them.

  • Iron Monkey

    Bible thumpers are not bible readers. It is just a prop they like to wave around while demanding that you send money.

    • Bill D. Burger

      They treat the Constitution a lot like that also/too!

      • Marion in Savannah

        Both the Bible and the Constitution are nothing but fetish items for them.

        • IOnlyLikeCats

          If you don’t know how to properly use your fetish item, people will often get hurt.

          • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

            Goes a long way towards explaining the number of gun deaths.

          • Alternative Pony Ron

            Safe, Sane and Consensual, people!

        • Serai 1

          Jesus is just a hood ornament to these fuckers.

    • Serai 1

      They treat Jesus as a hood ornament and the bible as a doorstop.

      You want a good test for them? Ask them who the Bridegroom of Blood is. Gets them every time.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Well, when the men get slack leave it to the wives to help out every time.

        • Serai 1

          Thanks! Have you read The Harlot by the Side of the Road, by Jonathan Kirsch? Excellent book. An exploration of those weird stories they never teach you in Sunday school. (Oddly enough, almost all of them feature women protagonists. Isn’t that interesting?)

          • Marion in Savannah

            Thanks — I hadn’t read that, and will look it up. (Yeah, curious that women get such short shrift. [not]).

          • Serai 1

            He’s written a series of books on biblical figures, and a couple about the early history of Christianity. Great guy, I hosted the signing for his first book at the Bodhi Tree.

      • proudgrampa

        Holy Crap! Those Biblical figures were downright bloody!

        • Serai 1

          You can find some very weird bits when you get down into the nooks and crannies.

          • IOnlyLikeCats

            I’m absolutely 100% certain parts of the Bible (especially places in Genesis and all of Revelations and some of the books right before the New Testament) were written under the influence of something. I’m not going to argue about divine inspiration but seriously some of the writers were definitely high.

          • Serai 1

            It’s been thought for quite some time that John of Padmos was on something when he saw what he wrote about in his Revelations. Ergot, probably.

          • IOnlyLikeCats

            What about Jonah?

          • The Wanderer

            That was a fish story. “I swear, it was THIS BIG!!!1!!!”

        • Serai 1

          That story is the justification for circumcision. It is seriously strange.

          • Lord Jim

            Try this exegesis. The author, incidentally was once on a program dedicated to debunking episode 1 of Ancient Aliens.

      • Nockular cavity

        Uma Thurman, right?

      • Alternative Pony Ron

        Wasn’t he a character in ‘Blade II’?

      • nightmoth

        “Jesus as a hood ornament and the bible as a doorstop”
        Have i told you lately that I love you?

    • Jack Tenhet

      Who has time to read the Bible when there’s grifting to be done?

  • boyblue122

    Exodus 22:21 – Moses gives God’s law: “You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien; for you were aliens in the land of Egypt.”

    • Bill D. Burger
    • britishvoiceman

      I’m sure they’ve never read that, just as the forced birthers haven’t read Exodus 21:22, which makes it clear that a married woman’s fetus is NOT considered a separate entity in its own right, but the property of her husband!

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        What’s the pawn value on one of them?

        • Three cows and a loaf of bread

          • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

            What, no bitter herbs? Is the bread at least leavened?

          • Alternative Pony Ron

            Leavened? Elitist!

  • Serai 1

    It’s a given that wingnuts will not have more than the most superficial knowledge of the bible. These idiots don’t even have that.

    • Alternative Pony Ron

      As wingtards they are required to know it exists. They are not, however, required to know what’s in it.

  • Jamoche

    “for unto us a child is born, and his name shall be calleth”

    Aagh! Handel earworm!

    • Marion in Savannah

      Well, if you’ve gotta have an earworm I can think of a LOT worse. (And no, I won’t list any of them, and heaven help anyone who does.)

      • Jamoche

        I know. The one place where my memory works amazingly well is music – great for the stuff I sing in choir, not so much when earworms hit.

      • puredog

        “My Sharona” always works pretty well for me. (Cringes, runs out of room.)

        • Marion in Savannah

          Okay, now it’s war. I’ll see you that and raise you an “Achy Breaky Heart.” You started this…

          • Bozilingus

            This is an Afternoon Delight.

          • nightmoth

            “Kokomo”—Beach Boys (ducking)

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        Wonkette: “It’s a Small World After All!”

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Can we call him Cal for short?

    • This usually works for me
      https://youtu.be/-TGKJ9MgCOQ

  • ken_kukec

    Doocy and Kilmeade have to be the two most repugnant things ever to haunt a tv studio. If I were a woman, or a gay man, I’d rather rip out my wherever than let either of them near it.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Can’t Hannity get an honourable mention at least?

      • Marion in Savannah

        You left off the “dis” in front of honourable. Please to be paying attention to important details.

      • Lord Jim

        The field is so competitive it’s hard to rank ’em.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    This is ironic because the old bible had a huge wave of illegal immigrant refugees who invaded Judea from Egypt with no vetting whatsoever.

    • britishvoiceman

      Right, and let’s not even talk about the formation of modern Israel.

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    By the way, anyone (i.e., me) who was ere now clinging to a faint hope that Republicans in Congress might be so appalled by this shit that they would step up and act like Americans: the fact that this garbage is spewing out of Fox, the official network of the Republican Party, makes it pretty damn clear that they are not only lining up behind this fascist junta ongoing at the White House as we speak, but have pretty certainly been involved in the planning and implementation as well, from Day One, notwithstanding those coy demurs from Charles Koch and other Party dignitaries.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    i’m a damn atheist, but didn’t they indeed return to Nazareth (gaillee) to raise him, only to have him return to Bethelem as an adult? I know he was said to be a travelling preacher there for a while. In which city was he crucified?

    • Depends which Gospels you read. They are contradictory

      • britishvoiceman

        Right, which is one of the reasons I laugh at those who claim the Gospels are actual eye-witness accounts.

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      Aleppo.

      • Ambignostic

        What’s a Leppo?

        • The Wanderer

          A type of fat?

        • britishvoiceman

          A big cat that can’t change its spots.

        • Alternative Pony Ron

          About five pounds.
          Oops, sorry, wrong joke.

  • chicken thief

    I’m have to admit I’m getting lost in all this religious back and forth, so I’m just going to agree with Carley ’cause she’s so dern cute that Brian has to keep covering his woody with a piece of paper.

  • puredog

    “Domini Domini Domini, you’re all Catholics now.”

    • Bozilingus

      Father Corona?

    • Darkrose

      “Two four six eight
      Time to transubstantiate!”

  • randomhookup

    Wonkette: For All the Best in Bible Learnin’

  • Poly_Ester

    Hey Carley, did you ever wonder why the 3 wise men in Asia Minor headed west to the Levant when they saw the star in the east? Foxsplain it to me.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    They only know bible verses that are convenient to their hate on that day. And, what’s with all the “libtards don’t pay taxes” bologna? Y’all just elected a man who went on national TV & said it “makes me smart” to NOT pay taxes (that he could easily afford, being SO rich) for 20 years! The hypocrisy is just too much some days.

    • Serai 1

      Considering that in general, the blue states pay more INTO the system and the red states take more OUT, it’s pretty fucking hypocritical of them to talk about us not paying taxes.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Don’t confuse them with facts. It tends to agitate them.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Hypothetically…West coast secedes, Northeast/Mid-Atlantic region welcomes our Canadian overlords. That leaves the rest of Trumpenstan to sort it out for themselves?

      • Jack Tenhet

        That’s always perplexed me about the red states (which I have been trapped in since birth). We really don’t pay much in taxes and do, in fact, read the benefits of so-called “liberal elites” who gladly pay their so OTHERS can have. Since this is inconsistent with confirmation bias, red states complain about the hands that feed them and complain once the idiots they elect take the food out of the very same hands.

        • Serai 1

          It’s a matter of bitterness and always needing someone to hate.

          • Jack Tenhet

            Maybe too, someone else to blame for all their ills. People aren’t always wrong when it comes to feeling like someone is screwing them over, they just seem to believe the ones who ARE screwing them over when they’re told people poorer than them are screwing them over.

          • Serai 1

            I’ve never gotten that kind of outlook. How can it not be obvious that the people who reap all the benefits are the ones doing the screwing over?

          • Jack Tenhet

            Poor educational system due to cuts made by the people they should be blaming. Poor literacy rates. General lack of critical thinking and being told by rich white men that someone of another race is “taking” something from them kind of evolves into a cognitive dissonance ooze that seeps through generations. It’s passed down like family folklore and some people never get out of it. You want a bubble? The red south has been in it’s own bubble for centuries.

        • teele

          In one way, the rednecks get a bad rap on the whole tax thing. They line up at every liquor store and gas station on payday to purchase lottery tickets, which are nothing more than tax receipts. If the IRS would only have a big drum they could spin around and pick one income tax return from each state that would reward those filers with a million tax free dollars, we would have 100% tax filing compliance overnight.

    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      (that he could easily afford, being SO rich)

      Allegedly!

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        That was pure speculation. Of course we’d know for sure if he’d just release those pesky tax returns that “only the media cares about”.

  • Boo Hoo

    Arguing the facts of mythology….

    *head essplodes*

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      It’s not as impossible to nail down as the Greek pantheon, at least.

    • JesusWasAHippie

      Alternative facts?

  • ken_kukec

    We always knew the assholes on the Fox couch were philistines; turns our they’re Pharisees, too.

    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      And Phuckheads!

    • Jack Tenhet

      Never thought I’d agree with Scrooge on anything, but “I Hate People” really seems to describe these assholes to a tee. I do understand the irony.

      “Scavengers and sycophants and flatterers
      and fools
      Pharisees and parasites and hypocrites
      and ghouls
      Calculating swindlers, prevaricating frauds
      Perpetrating evil as they roam the earth
      in hordes
      Feeding on their fellow men
      Reaping rich rewards
      Contaminating everything they see
      Corrupting honest men like me.”

    • Possibly true story: It was actually the Sadducees that were the bad play nice nice with Rome guys who, if there was a Jesus, likely got him kilt dead.
      But after the fall in 70 AD, Matthew was so pissed that the Pharisees (priest class) chucked Christians out as a cult, that he rewrote Mark’s works and his own to reflect that it was the Pharisees who were the bad guys, starting thousands of years of animosity toward the Jews.
      Then he put his work first because dick head.

      • Lord Jim

        Neither Sadducee or Pharisee had much reason to love Jesus. While the Sadducees were terrified that Jesus might stir up people to the point that Rome would get forcefully involved, Pharisees (I follow Ed Sanders here) were cross-eyed about Jesus handing out easy access to the Kingdom of Heaven to every slob on the street like he was the authorized ticket vendor, without even demanding elaborate initiatory rituals, shows of repentance, or demands to adhere to the Pharisees’ extra holiness codes – which can be seen in the Parable of the Day Laborers (Matt 20:1-16).

        • sweeper

          Whoa, hang on , Jim and Jen, I gotta respectfully disagree. Pharisaic Judaism was the forerunner of Rabbinic Judaism, which focused on the process of interpretation (including dissenting opinion) of Jewish Law. That process is ongoing, we’re all still arguing about it. The Sadducees were politically invested in maintaining focus on temple ritual and the leadership of the hereditary priesthood. The Pharisees were inventing a Judaism that was portable, and based on a body of literature nd scholarship. Why do they come off so bad in the Christian bible? Because they were intellectual elites.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    Wait, I thought liberals liked taxes? Now we don’t pay them? These people hold some very contradictory thoughts in their heads.

    • Edith Prickly

      I think liberals like to make other people pay taxes but through some magical process don’t pay their own. Or something.

      • Roadstergal

        Like a common Trump, we all dodge our taxes.

        • Jack Tenhet

          Like minds.

    • Jack Tenhet

      Don’t they know know their new Messiah, #45, bragged about not paying taxes? Of course they do. They cheered him for it.

      • JesusWasAHippie

        * SIGH * it’s different when Donnie does it. It just is, okay??? Shut up!

    • wavicles

      A few, yes.

  • The Wanderer

    They had for sure no fucking clue.
    They studied the Bible at Liberty U.

    • Khavrinen

      Better than Trump U.

  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    Bless you for revealing the true stupidity of said dicksnorts, Evan, and of the dicksnorts: bless their (very) little hearts.

  • Granny Sprinkles

    NIV is fer heathens! KJV or GTFO.

    *clutches pearls and faints*

    • Marion in Savannah

      The bible idolators seem to be convinced that the KJV was written (in English, thenkyouverymuch) with one of the Seraphim’s tail feathers dipped in the Blood of Christ. As I said earlier, it’s a fetish thing for them.

      • Darkrose

        It always makes me smile, given that even at the time, James I and his male “favorites” were a scandal. “Elizabeth was King; now James is Queen” was an actual thing that was said. Only in Latin.

        • nightmoth

          James had good taste, though. He assembled the best writers and translators in the kingdom. That’s why the KJV is so beautiful—the prose soars like the best of Shakespeare. I love it, but it’s not a fetish object for me like it is for the KJV-Only cult. I’m not sure why they’re so stuck on it, unless it’s because it lends itself to cherry picking and weird interpretation by the modern reader.

          • Darkrose

            Oh, I agree. The language makes it my favorite version. I just think it’s hilarious that the hardcore literalists have idolized the translation of the Bible commissioned by a dude who they’d consider a queer pervert.

      • Redstart

        In my experience fundies don’t use the KJV, it’s mostly little old ladies in tennis shoes (sorry Granny) that still cling to it. In my brother’s church (an ultra conservative version of Congregational) they use one I never heard of that was published in Tennessee.

  • SullivanSt

    And we didn’t even get to the part about how if you’re a rando cocksnort on the twittertoobs with a Faux-addled sorry excuse for a brain, starting a BIBLE FIGHT! with a guy who was first ordained as a minister over 50 years ago is … not likely to result in you looking good.

  • I desperately need Wonkette Bible Study Starring Evan Hurst to become a regular feature of this website.

  • suziq

    “Reverend” Al Sharpton is a Baptist minister. What would he know about the REAL bible huh? Yeah, got ya there!

  • Come here a minute

    Syrian families are ESCAPING SYRIA AS REFUGEES, trying to go anywhere
    their little babies won’t get murdered by ISIS or by Putin’s and Assad’s
    bombs.

    They’re not worried about American bombs, though, be cause those are FREEDOM BOMBS and only hurt bad dudes.

    • Jack Tenhet

      Forgot the quotes around “bad dudes”. It looks more Bannonesque with the quotes. ;)

  • WiscoJoe

    Jesus was white so how could he be a refugee????

    • JesusWasAHippie

      Good question.

    • Serai 1

      Ask an Okie.

  • whitroth

    ROTFLMAO!!!! Do you realize what you said in that Bible verse? Let me piss off *ALL* the funnymentalists by pointing out… “she gave birth to her firstborn,”

    Now, I dunno ’bout *you*, but I would never write “firstborn” if there were no second born or others…..

    • Seriously?

      What on earth are you talking about? Nobody’s ever claimed Jesus was an only child. Jesus’ brothers are mentioned *in the Bible.*

      • MightyP

        Oh, you might want to check with the Roman Catholics (and others) before you say nobody ever made that claim.

        • Darkrose

          “Blessed Mary, Ever Virgin”

        • Serai 1

          *raises hand* I was raised a Catholic and went to Catholic school. We all knew Jesus had brothers. It’s in the bible.

    • Seriously?

      Or his half-brothers, to be technically correct.

      • JustDon’tSayPeriod.Period!

        Isn’t there speculation that John was his brother?

        Which is a little like speculating if Han Solo was a Jedi, but let that go.

    • Mathew G. Smith

      Why would that piss off fundamentalists? Mary had kids with Joseph in the Bible.

    • SayItWithOtters

      Isn’t only the Catholics who believe Mary remained a perpetual virgin?

  • o.O Even the most stalwart Fox watcher has got to be going “The flight you Egypt you ninnies”

    • BrendaKay

      My brother has read his bible multiple times – would have loved to hear him rant at them had he heard that bs.

    • laineypc

      I am afraid that Fox has innoculated most of its viewers with a high degree of resistance to cognitive dissonance. They will forget what they know in service of the higher cause.

  • CottonBlimp

    Would this be the wrong time to point out that pretty much all historians agree there never was a census as described in the Bible, especially because “returning to the place of your birth” is not how censi are ever conducted?

    Which seems to imply the whole census thing was made up to make the Christ story fit with the Old Testament prophecies. Which would mean that even if you believe in the absurd idea of a messiah, Jesus wasn’t him.

    • Electric Ukulele Land

      The Bible is fake news!

  • Jeff Ackerman

    “No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says; he is always convinced that it says what he means.” Frank Lloyd Wright

    • BrendaKay

      Never heard that one before. Adding that to my quotes list!

    • Jen

      Good quote – but its from George Bernard Shaw.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        A literarian!

      • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

        Three names, same difference.

      • Jeff Ackerman

        You’re probably right, I can’t remember where I found it, that is who they attributed it too.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    So, to get the chronology straight, in the census/taxation story, which takes place in Bethlehem, Jesus is NEWBORN BABY years old. When Herod finds out about baby messiah Jesus, he issues the decree to murder all the boy baby children, and the family then flees to Egypt AS REFUGEES.

    That’s the standard harmonization, but a close reading shows the two accounts don’t actually fit together that well. Of course, Luke has that wacky “go back to your ancestral town” census that never happened, and Matthew has the slaughter of the innocents that, despite Herod being a genuine dick, also never happened.

    It’s almost as if both accounts were completely invented to fulfill theological criteria about the “messiah” as opposed to telling a true historical account.

    • JustDon’tSayPeriod.Period!

      Now why would someone need to do that? Only a hundred years or so had passed since the crucifixion. Surely they would just pull newspaper records and such!

      • Alternative Pony Ron

        Unfortunately, the only newspapers at the time were Murdoch-owned and extremely pro-Roman.

    • Tofu_Killer

      Now before you go debunking like a camp councilor at 5:30 AM, you have to admit that you left out the part in the Book of Megyn that explains that the Holy Family went to Bethlehem Macy’s so that they could get presents from that White Santa everybody knows about. This is where the traditional Black Friday celebration comes from.

      Some ‘theology’ expert you turned out to be.

    • VagendaofNastyWoman

      It’s as if Christianists thought that God dictated the entire bibble to some old guy with a beard, rather than it being a collection of stories that were written and told by hundreds of people over thousands of years.

  • Mavenmaven

    Actually, what Jesus was doing was warning the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.

    • RobKanC

      He was riding a T-Rex carrying his favorite AR-15 while doing it.

      • JustDon’tSayPeriod.Period!

        And writing The Declaration of Constitution with his other hand.

    • JesusWasAHippie

      Don’t forget to drop your ‘g’s.

    • BearLeft

      … and behold, he saw his shadow, and all the people all across the land knew there would be six more weeks of winter ….

    • Lord Jim

      Did you just quote Sarah Palin? Heh.

      • Mavenmaven

        yes, from her “trip to America” in Boston.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Uh, Luke 9:58: Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

    If you accept that as actual words of Jesus it seems that he remained a refugee with no home. The theologians on Fox musta slept through Sunday School.

    • VagendaofNastyWoman

      If he wasn’t a refugee, he was a nasty, homeless vagrant, camping out in the fields when he wasn’t couch surfing somewhere. We know Christianists don’t love the homeless any more than they love refugees.

  • Roadstergal
  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Just get to the point — I cannot read all those Bibble verses written in weird English — was he a refugee or not?

    • Sister Artemis

      Yup.
      Two different bibble parts being referenced:
      – one is about getting to a certain town to pay taxes (and ooops wouldn’t ya know it, Mary goes into labor, no room at the inn, away in a manger etc)
      – the other is about escaping as a refugee so the little ALREADY BORNED babby did not get offed by the mean king.

      • Lord Jim

        Biblical scholars call that “conflation”. And to be technical, απογράφεσθαι in Luke 2:1 should be translated “registered” (as in the New Revised Standard Version) or “enrolled”.

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    To be fair, the Bible, when looked as a biography, omits a lot and tends to be bit loosey-goosey with the details.

  • OneYieldRegular

    What the f*ck is their point? If Jesus wasn’t a refugee, then we’re in the clear to rip apart families and wreck people’s lives, just like Jesus did?

    • HazooToo

      The point is, Fox Newsheads are fucking stupid and can’t even mock us correctly.

      • Alternative Pony Ron

        And their viewers are even stupider and buy it without a second thought.

    • Serai 1

      Which would be a weird fucking claim since, refugee or not, Jesus always welcomed strangers and gentiles. For fuck’s sake, it’s one of the things that GOT HIM KILLED.

      • Lord Jim

        I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – so-called “evangelicals” have sold the Gospel of Jesus Christ for the mess of red pottage that is modern-day movement conservatism.

        As a United Methodist, I’m cautiously proud that, when it comes to refugee and immigration issues, we’re in a pretty good place.

    • sweet freedom

      In a sense, yes. It’s crucial to them to maintain the illusion that God is on their side… that liberals have no sense or understanding of divinity, for to do so would relinquish their grasp of a moral high-ground. it would also humanize liberals, which is the antithesis of what Fox and talk radio has relied on to conjure hatred towards anyone on the other side of the aisle.

  • CATMAN

    The explanation is simple–those Jesus lovers haven’t made it into that part of the book yet that talks about what JC said because they are so excited about that stuff in the front that deals with a vengeful god, genocide and killing disobedient children, nonvirgin brides and gays that they have to keep reading it over and over

    • Maree Martin

      Those Jesus lovers have never even cracked the book. They use it only as a prop…to pound on.

      • handyhippie65

        hell, i’ve read it twice since i left the church.

    • VagendaofNastyWoman

      There’s an awful lot in the Old Testament to make even those folks really, really uncomfortable if they actually read it. The Old Testament God was angry at the nation of Israel not just for worshiping false gods, but for cheating widows an orphans (ahem) not providing for the poor (ahem) and for unkindness to the strangers in their midst.

      • Serai 1

        Yep. The prophets railed a hell of a lot against corruption and cruelty, including the sacrifice of the weak.

        • handyhippie65

          greed is the very root of all evil. both the bibble, and jeebus said so.

        • Lord Jim

          “21 Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: Add your burnt offerings to your sacrifices, and eat the flesh. 22 For
          in the day that I brought your ancestors out of the land of Egypt, I did not speak to them or command them concerning burnt offerings and sacrifices. 23 But this command I gave them, “Obey my voice, and I will be your God, and you shall be my people; and walk only in the way that I command you, so
          that it may be well with you.”” – Jeremiah 7

          48 As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, your sister Sodom and her daughters never did what you and your daughters have done. 49 “‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. 50 They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen.” – Ezekial 6

          6 “With what shall I come before the Lord,
          and bow myself before God on high?
          Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
          with calves a year old?
          7 Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
          with ten thousands of rivers of oil?
          Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,
          the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?”
          8 He has told you, O mortal, what is good;
          and what does the Lord require of you
          but to do justice, and to love kindness,
          and to walk humbly with your God?” – Micah 6

          • Serai 1

            Interesting how god specifically mentioned Sodom being rich and arrogant, but made no mention of buttsex, isn’t it?

          • Lord Jim

            The real problem in the account of S&G was that the men of the city wanted to do the nasty with Lot’s guests – who were angels. They wanted to bugger angels. This attempt to cross the God/man divide what was the problem, just as it was in the account of the Tower of Babel – Bab-el = “gate to God”. The epistle of James in the NT reflects this view that homosex wasn’t the big deal, angel buggery was/

          • Serai 1

            They didn’t want to bugger angels. They didn’t know the strangers were angels, remember. They wanted to bugger those furriners that ain’t got no right to be here. They were, in fact, the equivalent of the Christers that yell about throwing out the dirty Muslims.

          • nightmoth

            Micah 6:8 was my late mother’s favorite verse. She was pretty turned off by church her last years, but had a strong spiritual presence, and identified as Christian. Her deathbed advice to me was “Treat everybody with kindness. Those who deserve it the least need it the most.” Given what I see of today’s christianists, my mom and dad are one of the few reasons I’m still willing to claim the name.

    • Serai 1

      Only some of the Hebrew bible has to do with blood and invasions. There’s quite a bit of good stuff in there, too. Jesus didn’t just make up all that love and friendship stuff out of his own head.

      • handyhippie65

        well, he was a jew after all. they really hate it when you point that out.

  • Gosala

    Spot on, Evan.

    And also, too: the Jesus fleeing tyrant thing is an inside out allusion, to Moses.

    As a baby, he became a refugee within his own country, Egypt, cleverly hiding in the royal family while Pharaoh slaughtered all the scary baby boys who might grow up to be Hebrew terrorists.

    And then again as a young man, this time in Palestine because he’d dared stand up to the institution of slavery.

    Come to think of it, the bible is full of refugees: Joseph’s brothers fleeing famine, Elijah fleeing the persecution of I don’t remember which king, the Babylonian exiles.

    Sort of like God has preference for the poor, the forgotten and the down trodden.

    • Serai 1

      Another cool thing is that most of the paradigm-shifting stories in the Hebrew bible centered around female protagonists. Dinah, Ruth, Tamar, Jezebel, Judith, etc. And that’s not including the women who were never named.

      • Gosala

        I’d have chosen Deborah, Ruth and Esther

        And the Marys — all of them

      • Lord Jim

        And we must not, of course forget “Deborah, a prophetess, wife of Lappidoth, was judging Israel”. Also of interest is the Matthean genealogy of Jesus, which contrary to Middle Eastern convention, mentions four women – and women of questionable character at that.

  • ahughes798

    I can see you’re doing better Evan! I’m glad! Thanks, this hits the nail on the head. Morons.

  • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

    Donkey and goats? What happens next? Inquiring minds want to know.

    • They run like hell to get away from the Huckabee boys!

    • Sister Artemis

      donkeys and goats, dogs and cats, living in sin….

  • TC

    I’m a Jew and even I know this story, ffs

    • Sister Artemis

      every studious jew I know is pretty familiar with the gospels and the life of Jesus – later parts of the NT not as much, but since Paul was a real asshole, they aren’t missing much.

  • While they are at it, the Fox crew might want to read Leviticus 19:33-34 which instructs the faithful to take refugees in and treat them as their fellows. Seems like this whole war on refugees is anti-biblical and anti-Christian
    Also, I have been reading a book that describes and compares 12 major religions. It seems one of the major points of Islam is that Allah gave his testimony/visions to earlier prophets who got some of it right and some of it wrong. Since Trump and swamp foxes are getting their bible references partially right, but mostly wrong, does that make them Muslims? (Or just hypocrites of the first order)

    • handyhippie65

      AOT,K

  • Thorn Spike

    Our pastor’s sermon last Sunday was basically a list of the dozens of scriptures that say, “Welcome the stranger, for you were once strangers in Egypt.” (Deut. 10:19).

    But, since most American Nazis have never been to Egypt…

  • NotDarkYet

    I’m sure I wouldn’t argue Bible with a reverent. Esp. not the Rev Al S.

  • Sister Artemis

    Wow! I like bible-study with Even, even though I am a Librul Heathen not-Christian type person. If bible-study had been like this when I was a teen, I might’ve stayed in the church longer!

    • Sister Artemis

      And to continue that thought, after reading through some of the comments, this is now my favorite bibble study group evah

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    You dumb Libtards! Joseph wasn’t going to Egypt to pay his taxes, he was going there to get tax advice on sheltering his money in the Cayman Islands to avoid paying taxes in America. He wanted to find out if an inversion was workable. Sheesh, you Demoncrats are dumb as hell. Everyone knows it’s the will of Jesus that nobody should pay their fair share of taxes.

    • richardgrabman

      Did he invest in long-term grain storage… or was that just a pyramid scheme?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Ba dum tish!

  • Daniel Hooper

    It’s because of stuff like this that I always get a little guarded around people who are very vocal about their faith. They mostly seem to use their faith to justify their shitty actions, while ignoring the actual information contained in their scripture.

  • tomamitai

    What kind of a god sends a warning to the cuck who’s raising his son to high-tail it out of town to save the holy brat, while leaving all the other kiddies in town to get killed? Why didn’t he just kill Herod? Or, better still, why didn’t he put fences around the magical taboo trees in the garden of Eden and save everyone a lot of bother?

    • Holly

      Or prevent a 12 year old from being impregnated then forcing her to give birth as it is a “blessing”.

      Listening to these fools debate a superstition as they put aside their critical thinking is sickening.

    • handyhippie65

      the same reason he would torture you for all eternity just because you never heard of him. he’s an evil, jealous monster.

    • Sister Artemis

      oh, you and your logical thought process!

  • Holly

    If only “Jesus” was real. Then they all, including Rev. Al, could sit around and “debate” the issue.

    Until then, we will continue to slay, mutilate, and harm each other in “his name”.

    • Jeff Mc Donald

      BUT! You know what I find interesting about bigoted atheists? Hmm? Do ya Holly? Hmm? There is more evidence that Jesus “was real”, than that Socrates “was real”! Which is really cool until you realize that bigoted atheists never question the existence of Socrates…then it’s just kind of sad. Also! I don’t remember Reverend Al ever slaying, mutilating, &c in His name. Just sayin’.

      • Lefty Wright

        Then where are the contemporary accounts from other people of his era of Jesus? We have those for Socrates but no written accounts of Jesus from people of his direct era. So there is much more actual evidence of Socrates than Jesus.

        • Jeff Mc Donald

          Actually that’s not true at all. These “contemporary accounts” you site are so disparate as to indicate they are not even referring to the same “Socrates”. Some were written, in fact, by playwrights. Which I guess begs the question that if someone digs up our culture many centuries from now if they will think there actually WAS a green witch named Elphaba. Oh, and Flavius Josephus for the win.

          • Tiny kaiju

            You missed Lefty’s question: where are they contemporary accounts of Jesus’s life? The accounts we have are from centuries after his death. It appears any earlier writing was supressed by consensus as the Church coalesced.

          • Jeff Mc Donald

            Again…Flavius Fucking Josephus…for one. If you require a complete list of references, please return to college and investigate a course called, “Comparative Religions”. It might also be informative to consult a rabbi, because even Jewish scholars (who would have the most to gain) don’t dispute that he was an actual person. You know, in case the truth matters more than prejudice.

          • Tiny kaiju

            That does not mean he was the son of any divine being though. I said he was probably a real person as was Socrates who was the teacher of Aristotle.
            Your use of AGAIN is silly because you did not previously provide an example. Don’t be such a drama queen. I just looked up Titus Flavius Josephus . Who was born more or less right around when Jesus was alledged to have died. What was your point again? Al Sharpton killed Jesus in the library with bust of Socrates because of atheists?

          • Tiny kaiju

            Muslims don’t dispute it either. I can’t say I’ve ever heard of anyone disputing the existence of Socrates either. King Arthur maybe. So why make the comparison?

          • Tiny kaiju

            Penalty called. Making assumptions based on trolling comments. For all you know I am a bored college student driven to pestering pseudo Christians on a commie mommy blog recipe hub with dick jokes that doesn’t allow comments. Damn, now Ihave to penalize myself now for assuming you are pseudo Christian. This always happens when I have a crap day and finish it by watching MSNBC. Ciao bello.

          • sweeper

            Jewish scholars would have something to gain? We wouldn’t gain or lose anything. Jesus is your dude, not ours. Whether he was an historical figure or a mythical figure doesn’t matter one whit to us. Enjoy the Jesus. Live and be well. For us though, he’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy.

          • BrianW

            So, is “Flavius Fucking Josephus”:
            A) His name, or
            B) his sexual preference?
            Inquiring minds, and all that. Oh, and BTW, I’m Lutheran, so don’t even try the “not Christian” routine with me.

          • MC Planck

            Josephus was not a contemporary; he wrote his references to Jesus in 93 AD.

            Aristophane had dinner with Socrates.

            See the difference?

          • E.A. Blair

            It’s “cite”, not “site”, and “raises the question”, not “begs the question”.

          • Dazza

            Hello Jeff. I think that ‘disparate contemporary accounts’ as a criticism can also be applied to all texts of the first century which refer to Yeshua or ‘the Christ.’ As for Josephus, there has been some dispute in recent years concerning the accuracy of the texts attributed to him [See Alice Whealey, Josephus on Jesus (New York, 2003)]

            Tiny Kaiju’s point concerning the fundamental lack of written evidence of Yeshua’s life and teachings written by first century contemporaries is an important one. The letters of Paul contain remarkably little information about Yeshua the man. What he did know was derived from the followers of Yeshua, but not the result of first-hand observation. Indeed, the epistles which survive are fragmentary copies of copies (and so on). I suspect that a man, Yeshua, existed, was baptised by John and was executed under the Roman Prefect Pontius Pilate. Any supernatural deeds accomplished by Yeshua cannot be substantiated by historians or archeologists.

            Your anger, expressed by your insulting and patronising phrasing, hardly supports your intention to argue a case from disinterested fact. On that basis alone, I am tempted to discount anything you say.

      • Tiny kaiju

        Jesus may have been a real man, or more likely a composite of men created by the nascent Christian religion. That does not prove he was of supernatural origin. The business about Socrates is just silly. Are you trying to say someone or Rev Sharpton murdered people in Socrates name?

        • Jeff Mc Donald

          Um…I’l try slow. The author of the argument sought to cast into doubt that there was an historical figure, Jesus, upon whom is built the Christian religion. I, in a well known rhetorical device (it’s called an analogy), compared a similar historical figure for who has scant or shoddy evidence for his existence. As all analogies, they will break down if carried a ridiculous extent, such as your supposition of “killing in the name of Socrates”. Now, off you go, there’s a good lass!

          • Tiny kaiju

            Oh dear Disqus is being tweaky again, I missed this one. You are a patronizing little man aren’t you? I’m sure the women in you life just adore that about you. The Clue joke and the question about Sharpton killing in the name Socrates was snark and a statement about the quality of your writing. Obviously no one would say such a thing unless it was hyperbole (exaggeration) a poke at someone’s delicately powered metaphorical nose. Much like no reasonable person would claim there was less evidence that Socrates existed that that Jesus did as a means of chiding some atheists for being bigots about religion. We are all too clever for our own good tonight aren’t we?

      • Kevin King

        Excuse me, the lack of belief in Jesus does not make someone a bigot. Also , the existence of a historical person Jesus does not substantiate any of the magical or divine claims made about him in the bible.

        • Jeff Mc Donald

          Quite right! And thank you for seeing the difference! However, the terms of the argument were “If only “Jesus” was real”, not “were real”. In addition, the lack of faith in anything may not be bigoted, but the disparaging of others for their belief, certainly is. But thank you for playing!

          • Tiny kaiju

            Didn’t you just disparage atheists as being bigots? Or is there a sub group?

          • Jeff Mc Donald

            Really slowly this time. IF atheists disparage the beliefs of others, with callous indifference or insufficient cause, then yes, I am calling them bigots. Run along now, off you go!

          • Tiny kaiju

            This was a lot of work to gripe about some atheists who resemble Christianists, Islamists and radical fundamentalists of all religious stripes.
            Socrates was a red herring.
            Oh, oh wait. What’s a sufficient cause to disparage people’s beliefs? Besides human sacrifice and aliens living in volcanos.

          • Tiny kaiju

            Soooo, the question here is are Jesus and/or Socrates real. OK, why would it be important if Jesus real historical verifiable man if a) that wasn’t heresy because b) he is primarily important as supernatural entity. I’m sure he was a heck of nice guy and he allegedly said some real good things, according to some very heavily edited documents that were probably written years after his death, possibly by people who never met him.

          • Jeff Mc Donald

            Last time…super slowly this time. Tiny. for fucksake, it’s a question of WERE, not ARE “Jesus and/or Socrates”… It’s like you aren’t even trying to get it! The rest of what you wrote in response? I’m not even sure you can untangle it, but you are welcome to try…without me.

          • Tiny kaiju

            Oh Jeff, dear Jeff. Present tense, past tense what difference does it make?People still exist after they are dead in the sense that their works, results of their actions and other people’s recollections of them continue to exist. Historical figures doubly so. It’s quite rich of you to criticize my writing style after you came up with this daft analogy in the first place. The Bible, as no doubt you know, was not written by directly by the Apostles or any other contemporary or associate of the person known as Jesus Christ. It evolved over time. Much of it was written years to centuries after Jesus’s death. Some writings were removed and others modified to meet the goals of the people involved in creating Christianity as a religion. The King James Version was also edited to meet the needs of those in charge at the time. At this point I’m trolling you for my own amusement and as a distraction from having insomnia. Your argument was obtuse. I can’t even work up a sense of enjoyment over getting your goat and Frog knows I don’t really care what you actually think. Any more than you care what I think. Ugh, the narrative of the Internet in a nutshell.

          • Tiny kaiju

            The lack of faith in anything…
            This sounds disparaging. Atheists don’t lack faith in things, they just lack a belief that supernatural beings exist and have an influence on the physical world.

      • MC Planck

        “It is also clear from other writings and historical artefacts, that
        Socrates was not simply a character, nor an invention, of Plato. The
        testimony of Xenophon and Aristotle, alongside some of Aristophanes’ work (especially The Clouds), is useful in fleshing out a perception of Socrates beyond Plato’s work.” – Wikipedia, because a cut and paste is more of an answer than you deserve.

      • SatanicVagendaRebellion

        Show us this ‘evidence’ then…assuming your reading comprehension is up to the task of actual research.
        ‘Cause there are independent corroborations of Socrates and his teachings, (unlike the Bible, which is a palimpsest of fables made up after the ‘fact’ by people who weren’t there at the time) not to mention an entire encyclopedia’s worth of historical evidence of people torturing, mutilating and murdering in the name of Christianity (i.e., the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the extermination of the Inca empire by Catholic Spain, witch burnings, SLAVERY, the seemingly endless list of paedophile priests in pretty much all of the Christian denominations, the current outbreak of corrective rape/murder of LGBTQ people in Africa abetted and encouraged by hate-preaching Christian pastors like Scott Lively….)
        Aside from that, the entire point of this article was actually that Reverend Al might be on the right side of history here – nobody criticized him except the Faux News muppets, who would all no doubt claim to love Jesus as much as they hate brown people, but still somehow need a lesson in Bible stories from us ‘bigoted atheists’.
        But don’t let pesky facts stop your tantrum, I know logic and reason are a total bummer when you’re trying to defend the existence of your imaginary friend.

    • richardgrabman

      What difference does it make. Al Sharpton being a Baptist minister, one assumes he takes the Bible seriously, and believes in a historical Jesus. But it is one of those stories one can assume any person with any sort of education in the western world is familiar with. A historical figure or not, the story is that Jesus was a refugee. And probably an “illegal alien” as well.

  • TundraGrifter

    “…because there was no guest room available for them.”

    Motel 6 didn’t leave the light on for them?

    • E.A. Blair

      Back then it was Manger 6, and they did leave a star on for them.

  • Lefty Wright

    If you are going to bitch about something, at least know what you are talking about. These idiots are proof that truth and knowledge mean nothing to them. It would be interesting to give them a simple Bible literacy test and see how badly they all fail. Missing what should be a no brainer for anyone attending a church more than one time per year shows they would probably get no questions right. Yet they hold themselves up as defenders of the faith. In a just world, their audience would laugh them off the stage.

  • hvdv

    Thank you for bibblesplaining. Like many godless, I have read chunks here and there, and can totally (for example) annihilate the “Sodom and Gomorra mean Teh Ghey are Teh Bad” crowd but do not *always* have the pertinent passages at hand. This is helpful.

  • azeyote

    as much as i like a good story about what happened a zillion years ago, it was what it was – it’s a lousy excuse for not getting it together now – for it to continually fuck up the present day well being of life is the insanity of the species – i feel the same way about foxy newsy toons – and bad beer –

  • Lord Jim

    Jesus’ parents were not traveling to pay taxes. They were traveling to be enrolled.

  • BJW

    I so love Evan ‘splaining the Bible to idjits. Score!

  • 451 Byrnes

    That is some real Lord of the Rings style fiction, right there…

  • Zyxomma

    I. Can’t. Even. Evan! Just for shits and giggles, some time ago I took a long test on world religions, and scored 100% I’d love to give the same test to the bible thumpers. Yes, I attend shul twice monthly (that’s all we meet; we don’t have a synagogue) for Shabbat. But I attend a shul where we atheists are welcome. And I’ve never seen Fox & Friends.

  • Lex Luthor

    It’s not just this one part of the Bible either– there are lots of verses about treating foreigners well. The flight to Egypt is an echo of the earlier captivity of the Jews in Egypt and their deliverance by God through Moses.
    Leviticus 19:34 “But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt”

  • Celtic_Gnome

    What is wrong with these people? I got all this in first grade and didn’t get it all confoozled up.

    Fucking morans.

  • E.A. Blair

    It’s cooking footballs….

  • Kellyrpayne

    Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !sr320c:
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !sr320c:
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  • therblig

    traveling to pay taxes? it’s like they never heard of credit cards.

  • CripesAmighty

    Don’t you dummies know anything? See, it’s all written in code: Egypt is the Cayman Islands cuz free markets; and Bethlehem is in Pennsylvania to register for the Republican primary so Joseph could get his red hat. Duh.

    (Or I thought that’s what I heard on 700 Club)

    • mardam422

      So where is the child porn ring run from in this scenario?

      • CripesAmighty

        The MANGER, Sheeple!!!1!!1

  • mardam422

    In their defense, those Bible verses don’t fit their narrative, so….

    • bardgal

      Stille, TWO DIFFERENT events entirely.

  • Capt.Jim

    You all numb nuts the baybe Jebbus was not born in a manger also too he was born In the Bethlehem Trump Hotel with Mitch Steve and Paul in attendance to make sure king Hussein Obama didnt murderize him

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    The dingbats are all over Sharpton telling him that Joseph and Mary weren’t REALLY refugees because they were ONLY fleeing one specific guy and when he died, they went back.

    I hurt my neck shaking my head at this dumbassery…and I’m an old atheist who used to play in Yahoo Answers Religion & Spirituality section.

  • Lambsendbeds

    I can never remember – which one is the rapey one, Steve or Brian ?

    • Wookie Monster

      According to Gretchen, both of them.

  • Courser_Resistance

    I love that Wonkette writers are bible literate. Thanks Evan for pointing out the inconsistencies and actual factual errors in RWNJs biblical understanding. While I’m far more wiccan than xtian these days, I do know that there’s a special Hell for these motherfuckers who are perverting the Lord’s word.

  • E.A. Blair

    There’s only room for one mythology at Fux News – their own.

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