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Maybe Trump heard the story from a little birdie. (We know he doesn't get along with eagles)
Maybe Trump heard the story from a little birdie. (We know he doesn’t get along with eagles.)

So now we know at least part of the reason Donald Trump is sure there are millions of illegal voters who kept him from winning the popular vote in the election he won: When he told members of Congress all about the millions of illegal voters, he illustrated it with a moving anecdote about pro golfer Bernhard Langer, a personal friend of his (whose daughter says he barely knows Trump), who was prevented from voting but saw two people who didn’t look like real citizens get ballots. Except Bernhard Langer is a German citizen and never would have tried to vote here anyway. All clear now? Fine, we shall untangle a bit. But It’s Mad Lord Trump we’re talking about, so don’t expect everything to add up.

According to three people who attended the reception and spoke to the New York Times, Trump told this version of the story, which was later contradicted by a White House official who cleared things up some: Trump’s good personal friend Bernhard Langer, who’s won the Masters twice, bigly, was standing in line to vote at his local polling place in Florida when the following incredible experience occurred: Langer was told by a poll official he wouldn’t be allowed to vote. BUT THERE’S MORE:

Ahead of and behind Mr. Langer were voters who did not look as if they should be allowed to vote, Mr. Trump said, according to the staff members — but they were nonetheless permitted to cast provisional ballots. The president threw out the names of Latin American countries that the voters might have come from.

Mr. Langer, whom he described as a supporter, left feeling frustrated, according to a version of events later contradicted by a White House official.

Disgusting and horrible, huh? These clear illegals were allowed to vote — or at least given provisional ballots, which means maybe they weren’t — but a loyal Trump supporter wasn’t!

Oh, except the whole story is bunk, and even the Times’s reconstruction of the one anecdote turns up multiple versions. Yes, Bernhard Langer lives in Boca Raton, but he’s a German citizen with permanent U.S. residence, and presumably not dumb enough to try to go and vote. His daughter, Christina, didn’t have a lot to say about the story:

“He is a citizen of Germany,” she said, when reached on her father’s cellphone. “He is not a friend of President Trump’s, and I don’t know why he would talk about him.”

She said her father was “very busy” and would not be able to answer any questions.

Fine, but Trump’s seen him golfing, maybe, so he’s a close friend and a supporter, probably. How could anyone not be?

Ah, but according to a “senior White House staff member, who was not at the Monday reception but has heard Mr. Trump tell the story,” the story really goes like this: Langer saw Trump in Florida over Thanksgiving week, and the events happened to a friend of Langer’s who’d been kept from voting. So you have one version from the Trump staffer who wasn’t there, and another told by staffers who were. Either way, the story bombed with the Congressional leaders, but it really made a big impression on Donald Trump, who sets national policy based on anecdotes.

In unrelated news, Yr Wonkette has learned Mr Trump has directed the Consumer Product Safety Commission to look into the epidemic of cases of little old ladies trying to dry off their poodles in the microwave. The FBI is also reportedly re-opening its manhunt for the notorious serial killer of young couples making out in cars in secluded areas, a one-handed murderer known only as “The Claw.”

[NYT]

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  • arglebargle

    I heard it was Sarah Bernhardt.

    • Suttree

      Too dead for my tastes. I’ll take me some Sandra Bernhard though.

      • arglebargle

        WTF? I am a idiot moran.

        • Suttree

          I always get the names confuzled. I just have the hots for the one that’s alive.

          • arglebargle

            That’s good. It’d be a little weird if it was the other one. But who am I to judge.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    In what way did these people look like they shouldn’t be allowed to vote? I can’t escape the assumption that they looked poor and not-white, or were speaking in not-English.

    • jangoodell

      Maybe they looked female.

    • Michael Smith

      Well yeah. That’s what’s implied.

    • Doug Langley

      Maybe it was their “Hillary for Prez” T shirts?

  • Painter of Goats

    A whopper told by Trump about a whopper told by a golfer. Color me surprised.

    • BadKitty904

      Wait til the Traitor-in-Chief takes up fishing…

  • TJ Barke

    Conmander in Chief…

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance
    • TJ Barke

      Is that all?

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I actually thought we’d be at about the 30 second mark, myself. Yay? Sort of?

      • weejee

        I’d thought it would be getting near to Plank time – as in collectively walking same.

    • FauxAntocles

      “Maybe if we smile, the clock will fade away”
      P. Townshend

    • Suttree

      In their statement they basically say that they only moved it 1/2 a minute because Turnip has only been in office for a few days. I expect them to move it forward again next week.

    • BadKitty904

      “…So when the last and dreadful hour
      This crumbling pageant shall devour,
      The trumpet shall be heard on high,
      The dead shall live, the living die…”

    • Doug Langley

      Well, then, I have plenty of time to grab a snack.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • shivaskeeper

    They are never going to find a killer called “The Claw”. They should be looking for “The Hookman”. Stupid Feds.

    As for the rest, it makes about as much sense as the rest of this shitstorm has.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Sure, Donald. You’re right. We can always tell an illegal just by looking at him or her. That’s not at all a racist thing to think is completely normal and which can be unquestioningly dropped into casual conversation.

  • If you can’t trust one poorly remembered anecdote about two guys who looked Latino who may or may not have been illegal aliens and who may or may not have voted provisionally and may or may not have had their votes count, what can you believe? Facts? Evidence? Pshaw… Trump hasn’t got time for that nonsense. He’s a manly leader who leads bigly and being a manly leader who leads bigly means charging ahead even if it’s over a cliff.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Microwave Poodles – my next band’s name. Thanks Dok.

    • jangoodell

      Will you open for The Alternate Facts?

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Trump is such a narcissistic dick he’s not even aware he does this with the infantile assumption that the whole world revolves entirely around him.

    Langer is his close friend because he saw him golfing once – why else would he have been golfing at the same place?

    Similarly he was on the same 60 Minutes as Putin, but even though they were in different segments and never met, he feels he got to know him very well.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      It would be so easy to determine if Langer is Trump’s friend. Just ask him if Trump cheats at golf.

  • TJ Barke

    So, some Latinos voted…

    • Crystalclear12

      In Florida of all places!

  • Ryan Denniston

    “but they were nonetheless permitted to cast provisional ballots. The president threw out the names of Latin American countries that the voters might have come from.”

    Maybe they were from Russia, okay? Maybe they were from ghyna. Maybe they all weighed 400 pounds with calves the size of cantaloupes.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Ecuador, Guadaloupe, Martinique? How many Latin American countries does the precedent know?…

      • Doug Langley

        I hear he’s nuts about Brazil . . .

        • Oblios_Cap

          Crazy for Columbia(n powder).

      • Suttree

        One. Mexico.

  • BadKitty904

    …who did not look as if they should be allowed to vote…

    Let’s just think about that phrase for a moment, shall we?

  • TJ Barke

    I see disqus is being terrible today.

    • BadKitty904

      How would we tell?

      • TJ Barke

        Well my notifications keep telling me that two upvotes from 8 hours ago are new…

    • Suttree

      It worked for the first 3 minutes and then gave up. I blame Turnip.

    • Amy!

      I tried turning it off and back on. I think … I might have been onto something, for a moment, when it was turned off. For that brief, shining moment, Disqus wasn’t causing me any problems at all.

  • weejee

    Maybe Trump heard the story from a little birdie. (We know he doesn’t get along with eagles.)

    Fore!!!

  • FlownOver

    Time to invoke the Batshit Crazy Clause of the 25th Amendment. Oh, it’s there, alright.

    • DahBoner

      Be careful what you wish for. Pence is a few fries short of a Happy Meal

      • weejee

        He can be recalled too. Wait, what, then Ayn Rand Paul would get the nod.

        • puredog

          It’s dickwads all the way down, I’m afraid.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Hit the ball, drag Fred…..

  • Ryan Denniston

    ““He is a citizen of Germany,” she said, when reached on her father’s cellphone. “He is not a friend of President Trump’s, and I don’t know why he would talk about him.””

    And this so easy to fix too. All Donald has to do is pay the guy, like he pays all of his sycophants, like he bought all his wives.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I think he and Ivana were once a love match (gag), but then she went and got all business-y and successful and making-more-tabloid-headlines-than-him and lost all her sex appeal.

      • Oblios_Cap

        And older.

  • Proud Liberal

    We need a forensic audit of this election. It will prove Republicans stole it.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: So, a propaganda stunt to pander to their Reichwing base? Actions have consequences, kids…

    Trump’s Flashy Executive Actions Could Run Aground
    The White House failed to consult with many of the agencies and lawmakers who will be critical for their success.
    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/01/trumps-flashy-executive-actions-could-run-aground-234200

    • BadKitty904
      • PubOption

        You forgot the bit about “… a poor player that struts and frets his hour on the stage…”

        • Rags

          And the bit from 2 Richard – “Trump be an idiot”

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I also wonder where the money is coming from to fund all these weird investigations and projects. It’s like he thinks he’s been given the US checkbook and just keep on writing in it, believing he’s the only required signature and that there has to be money in account if he still has checks.

      • He’s never had to pay for anything before, why should he start now?

      • BadKitty904

        He thinks it’s going to come from us. We the People fund the federal government. Thanks to these people, we may be forced to defund it.

      • kindness

        Republicans dearly love the National Credit Card when they are in power because they can max it out and then Democrats end up paying it down when they come to power. Now why Democrats haven’t seen through this ruse by now I can’t fathom.

        • Skeptical_thinker

          Now why Republican voters haven’t seen through this ruse by now I can’t fathom.

          IFYPFY

    • I’m wondering if President Booker can just sign an executive order stating that the entirety of the reign of king dipshit didn’t happen and that ‘murrica can get a do-over…

  • ViveLaRésistance

    I do hope they catch The Claw.

  • canes_pugnaces

    When I went to my polling place here in Harlem, seriously, there were no orange people there who looked like they’d coughed up phlegm and put on their head. And so the guy next to me says, “Hey, my brother is sick so he was unable to vote.” And that’s that. We should make voting impossible for anyone who doesn’t live in their own bright gold skyscraper. So there.

  • Suttree

    I know he doesn’t give a shit about lying, but he always gets butt hurt when people laugh at him. He must masturbate while thinking about how he’s going to fool everyone with this new whopper. I can’t think of anything else.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      That’s the ticket….

    • Oblios_Cap

      I doubt he can even find it, much less grasp in those tiny paws.

      • Amy!

        Too small even for his fingers, you mean?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      His new whopper? For a second there I thought you were going to tell us he’s had penile enhancement surgery.

      • Suttree

        He has been assured that the 14th time is a charm for the procedure.

  • TJ Barke

    Worst president in history. Calling it now.

  • Bernhard Langer is a cheater! His putter is anchored to his body, dammit! #golfnerd

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      He uses magnetic golf balls! Loser!….

  • weejee

    Perdón Señor Prezidente Naranja sir. May we play through?

    • o’look Skwerl!

      I’m glad it didn’t explode.

      I remember as a kid it was common knowledge that the liquid in the center of the golf ball was a deadly poison and should never touch the lips.

      http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1132/does-the-center-of-a-golf-ball-contain-a-deadly-poison

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        I remember reading a story about a woman who made a birthday cake for her golfer husband’s birthday and decided to toss a few balls into the cake before she stuck it in the oven. Predictably, the golf balls exploded once they heated up. Luckily, she didn’t do any more damage than making her house smell of burnt rubber.

  • Bill D. Burger

    In relation to Drumpf’s illustrative “stories,” I have a suspicion that we’ll all be saying, “Not this shit again!” ….and

    http://media.tumblr.com/010715d084fe2371781e7e2248f21642/tumblr_inline_mknj1lAJQA1qz4rgp.gif

    …until the orange Shitgibbon is gone.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Now Tweetledumb is making up stories about German golfers? You know who else was German?

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Heidi Klum?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Beethoven? Who when asked if he was, responded, “Whaaaaaaaaat? Speak up!”

    • The Wanderer

      Werner Klemperer?

    • Bettina Guderle?

    • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

      Otto Hahn?

    • BadKitty904

      Field Marshal Paul Ludwig Hans Anton von Beneckendorff und von Hindenburg?

      • Oblios_Cap

        I figured that was a Mel Brooks character.
        I was surprised to learn that was Hindenburg’s full name. That’s a lot to put on a drivers license.

        • BadKitty904

          The Germans are kinda “funny” that way.

    • Doug Langley

      Measles? Potato salad? Chocolate cake?

    • Amy!

      Werner von Braun?

      “Vons ze rockets go up, who carez vere zey come down? Zat’s not my department!”

    • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn
    • Historicat

      Leader of the Free World, Angela Merkel?

  • ViveLaRésistance

    Trump is insane. Florida has the Baker Act (http://www.wikihow.com/Baker-Act-Someone). Can’t someone file an ex parte order on behalf of the human race and get this maniac committed?

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I’ve been feeling a little 25th amendment-y myself, lately.

      • Sandy Beaches

        If only Republicans cared a little more about the best interests of this country and a little less about power….Nah. Ain’t gonna happen.

        • BadKitty904

          Not until it’s in their best interests.

          • Sandy Beaches

            …goes back to look at the picture of Cpt Ali J. Mohammed again…

          • BadKitty904

            Smart move.

        • MynameisBlarney

          It may yet.
          Trump is clearly a goddamn crazy person, it is only a matter of time before he goes full bat-shit derptard in front of the entire world.

          The republicans do care about power a great deal, but if they let trump to continue his insanity unabated, he’ll cost the GOP dearly.
          Already has IMHO.
          I think this will be the last coffin nail for those anti-American fucks.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            From your keyboard to Zeus’ ear!

          • MynameisBlarney

            I asked an acquaintance of mine that is a neuroscientist about how long she thinks trump will last, she said the pool where she works gives him 18 months. Tops.

    • The Wanderer

      He’s president now. Sovereign immunity applies.

      • ViveLaRésistance

        And it always come back to this…we’d have to haul the entire swampful of them off. I really do think Trump is insane and dangerous, so he has to go, but I don’t know if that really gets us anywhere except maybe not dead from nuclear fallout.

  • arglebargle

    Shouldn’t he be deporting Bernhard?

    • BadKitty904

      *koff* he’s white *koff*

      • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

        That’s the hidden message in his story isn’t it? A German immigrant LOOKS like he should be able to vote but South American immigrants (brown skin) don’t.

        • BadKitty904

          Not very well hidden, either.

  • Michael Smith

    Someone needs to remind Trump that its gang initiation night in Washington, and that if anyone drives by him with their headlights off, not to flash his at them.

    • Sardonicuss

      ……or.that he should totally flash his at them and pull over so they can make him part of “the gang”!

    • NastyBossetti

      He probably heard that already, and that’s why he’s coming to Philly today.

  • kindness

    Republicans are obviously going to let Trump be Trump while they can steal everything that isn’t nailed down, but at some point Trump will become a liability for them to further their grift, and they’ll toss him. I have to wonder what that some point will be? What dystopian future will it really take before we are talking about (oh please shoot me now) President Pence (and his filthy Dominionists)?

    • arglebargle

      Exactly. The problem is they’re so greedy they’ll wait too long and Donald will do something monumentally stupid. Hopefully not of the nuclear variety.

    • Ducksworthy

      Odd that Trump will fall victim to the Inquisition.

  • anwisok
    • Suttree

      Is that hedgie listening to stayin alive?

    • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend

      The remaining elephants in the world have signed a petition saying they no longer want to be associated with the Republican Party.

  • azeyote

    well there are lot’s of golfers – so maybe voter fraud is rampant – but you would think he would point the finger at the caddies who were allowed to vote

  • Blender_415

    “The Claw” libelzzzz!!!!! Never forget!!!!!

  • Anna Rompage

    So not only are Bannon and Trump’s daughter fraudulent voters for being registered to vote in 2 states, but his buddy who’s a German national and does not have citizenship tried to vote as well…

    Jeesh, I think we should look into all the potential voter fraud that happened in support of Trump…

  • Michael Smith

    Also, Trump’s pap dropped the atomic bomb in World War 2.

  • Crystalclear12

    I thought it was “Hook Man”?

  • o’look Skwerl!
  • Msgr_MΩment

    To be fair, the story was much more truthy in the original German.

  • therblig

    Does this mean the FDA is going to drop their investigation of spider eggs in Bubble-Yum?

    • BosGrl

      wut

  • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

    “…[T]he story bombed with the Congressional leaders, but it really made a big impression on Donald Trump, who sets national policy based on anecdotes whatever Alex Jones is raving about that day.”

  • therblig
  • DahBoner

    As long as President Donald Trump Putin has time to watch his Shows, it’s all good!
    http://i.makeagif.com/media/7-16-2015/5H0ebT.gif

    • Trump would know that was a fake slap from personal experience

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      What are you implying?

  • Are we sure the Golfer wasn’t Goldfinger?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Scaramanga, Scaramanga
      Scaramanga Figaro
      /reprise from the other day

    • Meccalopolis

      golden fang?

  • Doug Langley
  • Mr. Blobfish

    Then everyone stood and clapped.

  • Sardonicuss

    Hey, Sarandinistas…..
    Since the “burning the whole thing down” seems to be going ahead of schedule. When do we get to the “starting over from scratch” part?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    The FBI is also reportedly re-opening its manhunt for the notorious serial killer of young couples making out in cars in secluded areas, a one-handed murderer known only as “The Claw.”

    Not the Claw, da Craaaaaawww. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLa83lqBKKU

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Talk about your bad lies…

    • Alternative Pony Ron

      <golf clap>

  • boredcatlady

    Um, different times or not, “The Claw” is highly offensive ableist terminology (unless it’s etiologically white nationalist babble-speak, in which case shut up you stupid snowflakes, HE WON.)

    • TundraGrifter

      Not the “Craw!” “THE CRAW!”

  • Nounverb911

    Trump to weaponize golf in 3…2…1…

    https://twitter.com/desgifs/status/804421522140069888

  • Vecchioivan

    Meanwhile, the sewers of Manhattan are full of giant albino alligators flushed down toilets during obama’s reign.

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/eNBpullS1XU/hqdefault.jpg

    • Nounverb911

      Do they feed on pizza rats?
      https://youtu.be/UPXUG8q4jKU

    • Suttree

      That’s why I refuse to poop on the ground floor.

      • Vecchioivan

        The more you know . . .

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        I thought it was because of the CHUDs?

        • Suttree

          Them too!

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      Leucistic not albino. Know your mutations.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      If only one of those boys had come up Donnie’s toilet while he was sittin’ and tweetin’, with a yen for Vienna cocktail sausages.

  • Martini Ambassador

    Wow. According to this derpy tale “There were people there that didn’t look like they should be able to vote,” but the nice German man was turned away. What do you suppose the visible difference, the visual clue, the I’m-sure-not-at-all-racist’y element that “colors” this sad tale?

  • TundraGrifter

    Not a week into this and he’s channeling the ghost of President Ronald Reagan:

    “One of his favorite stories, one that he told over and over again to different audiences, concerned a pilot in World War II who told his crew to bail out of their crippled B-17 bomber. When the tail gunner said he could not move because he was badly wounded, the pilot replied, ‘Never mind son, we’ll ride it down together.’ When he told the story to a meeting of the Congressional Medal of Honor Society he added that the pilot was awarded the Medal of Honor posthumously. In fact, no medal was ever awarded for such an incident and the story came, almost word for word, from the script of a movie starring Dana Andrews called ‘Wing and a Prayer.'”

    • Suttree

      He may have been thinking about that episode of Amazing Stories where the guy draws cartoon wheels onto the plane also, too.

      • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

        Which I still recall as one of the most ludicrous fucking things I’ve ever seen in my life.

        • Painter of Goats

          Yeah but it worked. I saw it with my own two eyes.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      He was a delusional fucking idiot as well, as was W. What the fuck is up with republicans and their heroes?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      There have been people on the Right in Britain saying that Theresa May’s meeting with Trump tomorrow could be the start of a relationship like the one between Reagan and The Great Harlot of Babylon Margaret Thatcher. We’re already halfway there with the possibly senile POTUS.

      • Alternative Pony Ron

        I wasn’t a huge fan of the 80s the FIRST time. I don’t want to have to go through that AGAIN. Well, unless it means Peter Griffin and Geets Romo will be back on CFNY.

    • canes_pugnaces

      Reagan, like Trump I suspect, was an Alzheimer patient the day he walked into the WH.

      • Ducksworthy

        I recall Reagan telling us that as soon as he noticed himself becoming mentally impaired he would resign. I think of that whenever I watch the John Cleese bit about stupid people being to stupid to know they’re stupid.

    • BosGrl

      The difference, though (and I am NOT a Reagan defender), is that at least he was trying to inspire. Drumpf’s crazy stories are always the opposite of inspirational.

      • Amy!

        Another fairly significant difference, which … may be hopeful? Reagan was actually extremely popular. It was weird because he was clearly (to me) a mean bastard, but his approval ratings stayed ridiculously high, even during the most blatant evil shit, even during the most obviously lunatic ramblings. Trump’s not popular, not even with his own party. Historically poor approval.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          It’s the same way people assumed Barbara Bush, due to white hair/grandmotherly face, was nice, when in fact she would cut a bitch.

    • Dumb-old Lump might be channeling Reagan in other ways.

      Please remember that Fred Trump died of an aggressive form of Alzheimers that is known to have a strong genetic component linked to the Y chromosome.

    • VagendaofNastyWoman

      Reagan got away with it because he had charm. He said and did ugly things, but because he looked and sounded like everyone’s kind grandfather, people gave him a pass.
      Trump is Reagan without any redeeming characteristics.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        I wonder if people with bigoted parents/grandparents saw through Reagan’s BS sooner?

    • Mike Steele

      Sad old men confusing real life with celluloid memories. Alt-history repeating itself…and the crowd cheers…pitiful.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    It hasn’t been a week yet. Is it going to be four years of this foolishness?

    • Sardonicuss

      I was recalling the first eight years of this century, when every day seemed like a new drip of bad news in a water torture.
      So far, this feels like being tied down face up at the base of Niagara Falls.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Why have the Falls turned yellow?

        • Sardonicuss

          A busload of hookers?

    • anon_the_great

      Nope. I give it 18 months. Ryan and McConnell will impeach Cheetolini once his shock value has worn off.

      • DahBoner

        The Goose that lays the Golden Turds?

      • Bebecca

        I wonder if he will have a melt down sooner rather than later. Wouldn’t it be nice if it was at the State of the Union address? OMG, the world watches as he comes unglued. Hey, a girl can dream can’t she?

        • laineypc

          Once he gets his executive order yah-yahs out of the way, we will suddenly not hear much about him because his daughter and son in law will be running the show.

          • Bebecca

            He’s fulfilling campaign promises and in the way he has always done things, with not much effort put into it. Write a few lines while people stand around in awe and voila! mission accomplished.

          • LucindathePook

            Except he’d still need to be front and center on the news every night, so he’d have to do/tweet/say something.

      • orygone

        sorry wont happen. repubs don’t put the country before party. we have to wait until dems control the senate, until then, the unstable child stays

      • Meccalopolis

        after the midterms but far enough ahead of the next national

    • mfp

      yes

  • Donkey Option

    So, basically, a Trump supporter who is not the person whose name was given (who is an actual immigrant and not allowed to vote so would have been voting illegally if this had actually happened), went to the polls and saw people darker than ecru voting and assumed that anyone who is darker than ecru must be an illegal. So, Trump supporters, tell me again how this is about “economic anxiety” and not just pure racism.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I think the headline is “Trump believes a foreign national tried to vote for him, is disturbed that he was prevented”

      • Donkey Option

        “White foreign national.” Remember, anyone darker than ecru is immediately suspect.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          I don’t know if even Kennedy would vote for the paper bag test.

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    The Trump administration: Every bit as dumb and horrifying as you would have imagined.

    • Proud Liberal

      They are worse than I thought they would be.

      • Electric Ukulele Land

        Sounds like a case of unwarranted optimism to me. It will pass.

    • Sandy Beaches

      If you turned this fiasco into a movie script, Hollywood would turn it down for being too stupid and farfetched.

      • Incoming (AKA Large) Ham

        EVERYTHING would be “on the nose.”

      • wavicles

        I say that all the time too.

        “Truth is stranger than fiction because we expect fiction to make sense”

    • wavicles

      Plus!

  • NastyBossetti

    How do you “not look like” you should be able to vote? Do you walk in, waving a passport from another country, demanding a ballot?

    • DainBramage

      All you have to do is have more melanin than a pasty northern European. (Disclaimer – I am pasty.)

    • Ducksworthy

      More and more of us are beginning to look like we should not be able to vote.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Probably had an “I’m With Her” sticker on their cars.

    • OneYieldRegular

      You dress like Payne Stewart?

  • canes_pugnaces
    • Why does he have tie dick in that picture?

      • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

        He wears his ties too long. It’s a phallic symbol. Because he is that desperately insecure.

        • mfp

          and they’re shitty, shiny chinese ties…you could probably slice cheese with those things

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “It’s what happens when he insists on doing it himself.”
        — Melania

      • TundraGrifter

        Or is it a “dick tie?”

      • mfp

        he always has tie dick, in every picture…otherwise, he would have no dick–in every picture

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    (quickly runs to take poodle out of the microwave)

    • Bill Slider

      I prefer the clothes dryer. I like watching the tumbling action following that spin cycle in the washing machine.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      HAHA Dummy!

      You’re supposed to put those into the ovens with all those other ((breeds))

      (Fuck, satire is getting harder than a Breitbartian thinking about the Holocaust)

  • President in Exile Firefly

    Breaking: President Trump Orders Investigation into the Missing Strawberries.

    • eggsacklywright

      He’s lost his (ball) bearings.

    • Mike Steele

      Queeg incarnate. BTW, one of my favorite books…

      • SpideySenser

        I love Jose Ferrer in the flick.

        • Mike Steele

          Lady MS here: Scarier, still, is tv dad Fred McMurray as a two-faced coward. The book was awesome…one of those where you can’t believe the movie would be any good, yet every performance was spot on. MUST SEE film:)

          • SpideySenser

            Yes, one of my favorites. Oddly, I never read the book so I have put it on my list, which is too long! Fred McMurray really knew how to play the creepy guys – check him out in Double Indemnity. Another MUST SEE movie.

    • msanthrope

      Exactly what I’ve been thinking since Nov. 9.

  • netanil

    This is the year we finally find Bigfoot.
    Thanks Donald!

  • Thiazin Red

    Of course the story is made up, incredibly stupid, has pointless name dropping, and is racist as hell.

    It reminds me of another story, but this one actually happened. Two of the techs in my old lab, Helen and Matt, went out to lunch. Helen was born and raised in Queens, Matt is French. One day as they were eating a woman came up to them and yelled at Helen to go back to her country. She did not have anything to say to Matt. Helen is hispanic and Matt is very white, so this racist as hell moron assumed that Matt belonged here and Helen, the lifelone citizen did not.

    • VagendaofNastyWoman

      What do you look like when “You look like you shouldn’t be allowed to vote”?

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        Maybe wearing an orange prison jumpsuit with half of a handcuff dangling from each wrist? Oh, and also be not white?

      • natoslug

        Well, I’d say the mullet on the guy above would be reason enough to not let him vote, even if he were actually an American.

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Very similar to those who shouldn’t be allowed to take welfare, I think.

    • NastyBossetti

      MrBossetti is an immigrant from Canada. It is one of my little joys to catch people saying anti-immigrant shit in front of us, and to hear their attempts to backtrack, “no no no, I wasn’t talking about YOU!” when we point out that he’s an immigrant.
      Yeah, we know you weren’t talking about him, which just makes you that much more of an asshole.

  • WiscoJoe

    Fuck the Bald Eagle, I say we name the Snipe our new national bird.

    • Tom Krueger

      I went on a “snipe hunt” once when I was a kid. The camp counselors had us running wildly through the woods, in the dark with flashlights. We actually believed we could catch one. Kinda like Trump voters believing he will MAGA…

      • WiscoJoe

        Same here! Even better was the next year at camp when I knew the Snipe hunt was bullshit, but I got to trick the younger kids into going along with it. Kind of like Trump cronies exerting their dominance over the rubes…

        I remember an afternoon at daycare (I was maybe 5), when the teacher took us on a “field trip to Mars.” We were so fucking excited to be going to outer space. But we just went on a long walk with some Mars themed activities along the way. At the end of the activity the teacher explained that we were using our imagination to take a “field trip.” We called bullshit and nearly rioted. Let’s hope Trump voters do the same…

        • Jonny On Maui

          Trump voters aren’t as smart as 5 year olds…

        • Tom Krueger

          It’s a perfect metaphor, right? We always got pretty beat up, ripped up by barbed wire, poked with sticks etc. kinda like we’re all feeling now with The Orange Ape. Anyway, did the snipe hunt for several years at Camp Gray in Baraboo, Wisconsin…good times!

          • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

            Camp William Wright, Westville IN, represent!

          • Meccalopolis

            figure eight island!

      • subatomic

        Yep, half the U.S. citizenry is now on one big snipe hunt with the other half watching them bang their cans to flush the snipe out and wondering when they will realize that there are no snipes. At least kids realize they have been had after being told the snipe hunt is a ruse by the other kids. Unfortunately, you can tell these idiot Trump supporters the truth and they will simply get angry and continue banging their cans louder.

    • mrpuma2u

      What about the Cuckoo?

  • netanil

    This would be funny if it were not so fucking tragic. For the USA and all Americans.

  • netanil

    Miss me yet?
    — Barack Obama

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      I’ve only missed him … (checks watch) … seems like forever.

      • miss_grundy

        He and the missus are visiting Richard Branson’s private island.

    • DainBramage

      YES! Come back!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Didn’t look like they should vote? Do tell. Toddlers? Green men from Mars? Swarthy Mediterraneans? Cyclops?

    • eggsacklywright

      Maybe a dwarve?

      • Mike Steele

        Roloffs libelz!!!!

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        I can never tell the Durafs and Elvans apart…

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Note to Rs: Little Baby Donnie is an actual dictator.

  • Ωbjectifier

    “Ahead of and behind Mr. Langer were voters who did not look as if they should be allowed to vote, Mr. Trump said, according to the staff members”

    Must have been Schwartzers.

  • DainBramage

    Delusional Donnie will believe / make up any story that confirms his prejudices.

  • Ricky Gay

    Under Trump in the Futurama Hall of Heads it will read: Set national policy based on anecdotes.

  • John Iwaniszek

    It was “The Hook”.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Go fellate a chainsaw, tangerine human shaped fascist dildo with a tuft of lube encrusted pubes stuck to the top

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    My GOD that man is a bullshitter, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone who does it more and I’ve bought several used cars

    • Beanz&Berryz

      He’s a billshitter for sure, but I think he actually believes much of what he says… he’s setting himself up to be 25thed within the year…

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “We may just cut straight to poisoning his food at this point.”
        — Mike Pence

      • Ducksworthy

        Yes, He’s Reaganesque in that way. Once he has a thought and speaks it aloud, he believes it. The barrier keeping him from speaking the really crazy thoughts aloud gets weaker as his power grows.

    • Thiazin Red

      My father is kind of like that, but he just uses stories to entertain people, and also isn’t the president. Also, he isn’t a horrible person.

      • Bad Tom

        But, DOES YOUR FATHER HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS??!?

  • Bill Slider

    Are we somehow living in an alternate universe? I have not received any instructions. Should I remain calm? Or, is it time to load a few things into a grocery cart and go sit on a bench in a nearby park? I could talk to my imaginary friend, sing with the birds, and scream at the clouds.

    • Thiazin Red

      I need to get a goatee and a sexier outfit.

      • Historicat

        Don’t we all?

  • Spurning Beer

    “I’ve heard a story — and I’ve heard it more than once, so I believe it — about a young man from Kent whose dick was so long that it bent. Can you believe that? Yeah. Well, it gets better. Listen to this. To save himself trouble, he stuck it in double, and rather than coming, he went. Didn’t I tell you this was crazy? Incredible. Amazing. Is that ridiculous? It’s totally ridiculous. Believe me. Well, anyway, based on that, I can say for sure that in Kent alone, three million to five million votes were illegally cast, all of them against me. Can you believe these jokers? Disgusting. Completely disgusting.”

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      You have won an internet today.

      • Ducksworthy

        I hope the mainstream media picks this up. What a story.

    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      I heard this too! Told to me by a man named Grass.

      • Meccalopolis

        got it off a woman from china

        • Serai 1

          Must be a popular story. I heard it from a Nantucket guy.

          • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

            Who heard it from a Virgin from Samoa!

    • mrpuma2u

      A lot of people are saying this.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    So, three immigrants walk into a bar, and the German one says “hey, the two guys ahead of me look like they are from Ireland and Russia. A lot of undocumented immigrants are from those two countries.”

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Trending: The word “Lies” appears four times on this morning’s NYT home page.
    All four items deal, of course, with Il Douche.

    • Thiazin Red

      A little late to decide to grow a uterus NYT.

      • Meccalopolis

        they’re just waiting until needed to shoot down the next revelation a la the russian connection story pre elec day

  • Thiazin Red

    My great grandfather came to this country illegally in order to avoid being arrested for being a strait up terrorist. After he got here he spent his life trying to radicalize others, but he was white so I guess thats okay.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I need to know more.

      • Thiazin Red

        He was in the IRA before it was called the IRA, and was involved in a few of their missions. The most famous one was breaking some of the members out of a Manchester jail. Once he got here started a publishing company trying to get other Irish immigrants to support the Republican Brotherhood.

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

          I was thinking IRB, but perhaps even older variant?

          • Bitter Scribe

            There’s a long proud history, going back to the early 19th century (at least), of Irish radicals coming here and scaring the shepherd’s pie out of American conservatives. Bashing immigrants as subversive radicals didn’t start with Trump.

          • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

            Yep, to which Sacco and Vanzetti can attest, as can many others.

        • richardgrabman

          We’re proud of a grand-mother who was running guns to Ireland back in the day.

    • NastyBossetti

      IRA?

      • Thiazin Red

        Republican Brotherhood, so the pre-IRA.

    • LucindathePook

      Mr. Pook’s gramma had to leave Russia in the early 1900’s before she could be arrested. She threw marbles under the hooves of the Cossacks’ horses and otherwise caused problems, and her father fortunately got tipped off and she escaped to the US.

  • Nockular cavity

    Somebody should send Trump the VHS tape from The Ring, and then call him up and say, “Seven days!”

  • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

    Coonskin hatted Donald wrassled a bear when he was only 3, scored 5 touchdowns on the Redskins at 10, but had to leave the Alamo early cuz his feet hurt.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Donnie got a hole in one the first time he played golf. Then he banged the girl driving the drinks cart after chugging a beer. He was so amazing (“Best sex I ever had!” she said) she let him have the beer for free. He was four years old at the time. True story. Period.

      • Meccalopolis

        and then he opened for the stones, no played lead

        • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

          The riff in “Satisfaction”? Donnie taught that to Keef.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    A man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest.

    • PubOption

      All lies and jest.

      • LucindathePook

        Lie la lie
        Lie la lie lallalala lie lallalala lie

  • boyblue122

    Official statement from golfer Bernhard Langer who apparently didnt even tell Drumpf the story

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C3HHaG2VUAAJ6_P.jpg

    • Ducksworthy

      Careful Bernard. Contradicting the Fuehrer could get you deported, if you know what I mean.

      • Serai 1

        Thus the CYA of blaming it on the media.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Notice how this was “a mischaracterization by the media,” not by Trump. Nice follow-through, Bernhard.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Great. Now we’re using the game Telephone to set national priorities.

  • DahBoner
    • zerosumgame0005

      HA!

  • Garbageman

    I’ve heard the Bernhard Langer story before – it actually started circulating a few months ago, back when it still looked like Trump was going to lose in a landslide – and nothing illustrates his way of thinking better. . . . It’s how he bases all his research – ‘Some people are saying’ . . . I used to think Trump was being diabolical whenever he said something like, ‘Some people think Obama was born in Kenya.’ . . . Now it’s become apparent that he’s not being diabolical, on purpose – even worse, he actually believes the anecdote backs up the claim . . .

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie
    • Crank Tango

      There is indeed a word, and that word is BULLSHIT.

      • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

        Mountains of it. YUUUGE mountains…

        • mrpuma2u

          Believe folks, you’ll never see a bigger, nastier pile of bullshit in your life, in your life, OK?

    • chortlingdingo

      I like that he mentioned that the CIA folks didn’t sit down during his speech. Like, you’re supposed to tell them that it’s okay to sit. They can’t sit down until you do. You forced them to stand during your speech.

    • Serai 1

      All right, you guys. WHO GAVE TRUMP THE BROWN ACID???

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Donald Trump’s next Executive Order will force scientists to invent a method for humans to be able to grow a third arm, specifically for patting oneself on the back.

    • notanncoulter

      i can’t keep throwing up in my own mouth like this. if this is the next 4 years, fuck, even the next 4 months i am not going to make it.

    • miss_grundy

      He actually brought people with him to applaud his speech. I kid you not. That he could be so tone-deaf talking nonsense in front of a wall dedicated to fallen CIA staff is just mind-boggling.

  • ken_kukec

    It’s so inspiring that, according to Donald Trump, undocumented aliens turn out to vote at a rate higher than eligible American voters.

    That’s the spirit, newcomers!

  • Lefty Wright

    Speaking of one armed men, I think they need to reopen the case of Dr. Richard Kimble. I’m convinced the wrong one armed guy was blamed in the last episode.

  • Ray in VT

    Tell me more about these people who just don’t look like they should be allowed to vote. I’m sure that there’s a not at all racisty well to identify them based upon their appearance.

    • chortlingdingo

      Right? How could you possibly tell if someone was eligible to vote based on their appearance?!

      • Vel Venturi

        It’s the green plumb bob floating over their heads. That way you know they are Sims, not real citizens.

      • notanncoulter

        i’ll give you 3 guesses…

      • Ray in VT

        Must be some sort of superpower.

    • miss_grundy

      According to some of the stories around, they were all brown people, because, you know, Florida.

      • Ray in VT

        And how could brown people be eligible to vote? Am I right? They must be from one of a list of Latin American countries.

        • RRE

          I believe that Trump, or his source, actually supplied the list of countries

          • Ray in VT

            Would that be the German citizen who isn’t eligible to vote anyways?

  • Mike Steele

    About this golf thing – score cheating is a true measure of character. have heard tales of Clinton, et. al., faking scores. Anyone know how skilled Donald truly is at this game? If you own the couse, do you get infinite Mulligans? Would love to hear from fellow players who were trumped by his phony accomplishments.

    • Reddishrabbit

      Trump is the best golfer, not like Clinton who can barely play, sad. Trump hits hole in ones all the time, amazing. He could win all the golf masters. Trump, Putin, Assad and El-Sisi would be the best foursome ever. Not like loser media. Sad. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b1da911765e0c645dd3e424baecae08f3deef7f9916e7f77ac090b721df4e8bf.jpg

      • Mike Steele

        This is amazing! Korean Third Fatty also claims such prowess. Would love to have video of Donald in action, to play at neighborhood course where Trumpanzees reign.

      • Mike Steele

        Lady MS here: At 149 yds., even I could hit the green with an 8..,BFD, bloated Cheeto.

        • Spurning Beer

          He’d have the course record, but he keeps getting bogged down on that one hole with the windmill that knocks his ball away from the tunnel.

        • handyhippie65

          i only played golf twice, and i was thinking the same thing. it’s a lot more fun when you don’t keep score.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Drumpf had a coat of arms designed for his FAKE NAME???

    • mailman27

      Anyone who plays golf with Hair Fuhrer probably has to sign a NDA about the score.

    • doktorzoom

      His racist butler routinely told him his practice drives went 20-30 yards farther than he really thought.

      • Mike Steele

        Now that guy’s a champ. Trump is Equal Oppty. Employment hero for an endless stream of losers & soulless sycophants.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Donald Trump, who sets national policy based on anecdotes

    Well, that’s one aspect of the Reagan administration he’ll be preserving. How long before he tells us that he helped liberate Auschwitz?

    • Bad Tom

      Well, that’s better than asserting that Auschwitz never existed.

      • Keith Taylor

        He’ll do that next month. Or maybe next week. Let’s hope he does it from a padded room.

    • miss_grundy

      Considering some of his friends, how exactly did he liberate Auschwitz???

  • John Resistant Tovarich Smith
    • CindyinEncinitas

      Well, he has that athletic build, so…

      • sw19bender
      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        Athletic like a Sumo wrestler! Not that I can throw shade about that.

        • CindyinEncinitas

          IDK, your avatar is pretty stunning.

          • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

            Feel free to steal. I did.

        • handyhippie65

          you have to be very strong to move that much weight as fast as they do. imagine lifting a 50lb. arm every time you take a bite of food.

          • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

            That’s roughly the amount of food on my fork.

          • handyhippie65

            that’s a damn big ass fork! i think my mom had one of those hanging on the kitchen wall in the 70’s.

          • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

            It’s why I don’t use chopsticks. They wear down before I’m finished.

  • gamera23

    So anyway, the point is that Trump beat Langer at golf and totally didn’t cheat.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    A story is going around that Donald J. Trump molests small, defenseless animals. I don’t know if it it’s true or not, but I saw it on the Internet!

  • PixieThis

    Well, Tinkerbell told me that she’d talked to Brandy and Brandy said she was coming out of the restroom when she overheard a questionable and not very citizen looking person (if you know what I mean) bragging about beating trump in a round of golf or possibly voting illegally, but anyway it was something about trump, golf, voting and their plans to welfare cheat (I mean, who isn’t these days!) and the point is, well I’m not sure there’s a point, just that we have to be on our guard to prevent people from hurting trump’s fee-fees. But then again, Tinkerbell has been hitting the dust pretty hard and she’s not really reliable.

    • phoenix00

      Was Brandy’s genitals checked? Those might make him/her illegal.

  • clubseal

    The microwave reference made me think of this, for some reason: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085937/

  • Scrofula

    Well, yeah, did you see those voters making fraud with their vote fraud?:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/695f457dd634fdc766c9dcb912ffa6b8508d6a61b114ac17e68e0b14ca35fa6b.jpg
    (From the Ask a Mexican column, by a Mexican, not Stormfront)

  • Serai 1

    So now people shouldn’t be allowed to vote if they don’t “look like” they should? Okay, then I propose no member of Trump’s family should be allowed to vote. Because they sure as SHIT don’t look like they deserve the privilege, with their pinched expressions and their leechlike grasp on billions of dollars they didn’t fucking earn.

    • Bad Tom

      And we base this on absolutely reliable third-hand anecdotes related by good friends who you don’t actually know.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        That’s good enough to base a federal policy on, for sure!!

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “Looked like they shouldn’t be allowed to vote” means they were women, and his friend was either Anne Coulter or Milo Yawhoeverhisface.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Nah… in Florida, I’m thinking it was Spanishes – though possibly women also too – because of course not a single brown person is properly registered to vote according to these fuckknobs.

  • Spurning Beer

    I hereby predict that before January is over, Donald will have a medical crisis involving exhaustion that will require him to spend extra time at Mar-a-lago to recuperate.

  • Snark Tank, Bad Hombre

    So, given irrefutable evidence that Russia DID affect the election, and fake (some would say “Trumped up”) evidence of widespread, unprecedented voter fraud…..Drumpf elects to investigate us. Makes sense to me.

  • Khavrinen

    “people who didn’t look like real citizens”

    I’m going to go way out on a limb here, and suggest that tRump has never once complained about all the people trying to vote who “looked like” illegal immigrants from Sweden. Or Australia. Or France ( “WE COME FROM FRANCE!” ).
    Or any other country where the melanin content is similarly low.

    Good thing he’s told us so often he’s not a racist…

    • Cliff Hendroval

      Why do you think he hires people from Eastern Europe to work in Mar-a-Lago instead of hiring people from Florida instead?

    • miss_grundy

      For someone who was raised in Queens, I guess he only hung out in the low melanin content neighborhoods.

    • phoenix00

      Skin color. He goes by skin color. No other criteria necessary.

  • Jack Tenhet

    Yeah, “A friend of a friend” old him, so it’s totes legit. I am being dead serious with this part. Trump is mentally ill. Severely mentally ill. I’m not slinging that as an insult. I am mentally ill myself and without medication and regular treatment, I get delusional, so I do know from whence I speak. He is delusional and his brand of it wont allow him to actively seek help so he is going untreated. Now he’s running the country. It is already past time to introduce people to the 25th Amendment provisions.

  • JMP

    Sometimes I wonder if Trump honestly doesn’t know what a friend is, because he’s never had one in his life, and actually thinks he can call everyone he’s ever spoken to “my friend”.

    • miss_grundy

      Until he doesn’t need him/her anymore and throws him/her under the bus, like he did to Roy Cohn.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Or unemployed Billy Bush, whose problems actually started ON a bus before he went under it.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I find it hard to believe the Republican congressional leadership didn’t come away from that policy meeting actually considering the 25th amendment when Trump went off on this crazy shit.

  • Jumpy Snark

    And when he took her home, he went around to open her door for her — and hanging from the passenger door handle was a prosthetic hook hand!

  • bbayliss

    Geeezus, the claw is back? I wondered what I heard on the roof of my car.

  • Tom Krueger

    I know a guy, who knows a guy, who talked to a guy, who met a guy, who overheard another guy, who was peeing next to a guy at a bar, who looked like he was Mexican who says he knew a guy who wasn’t going to vote and used that guy’s name to vote for Hillary multiplied by 3-5 million similar guys in similar circumstances nationwide!

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