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Timothy and Esten Ciboro, Bible Guys
Timothy and Esten Ciboro, Bible Guys

Trigger warning for ALL OF THIS:

A Toledo man and his son, who are accused of imprisoning a girl in their basement and raping her over a three-year period, have told the court that the only law they recognize is that contained in the Holy Bible. Timothy Ciboro and his son Esten Ciboro have been given permission to represent themselves (with court-appointed lawyers standing by in case they’re needed), and plan to defend themselves using what the younger Ciboro told Judge Linda Jennings during a hearing Friday is “the only law book that truly matters.” Timothy Ciboro said they plan to “use God’s holy word to ask questions, questions that we believe are absolutely vital to our case,” which is certainly a novel strategy in this century. We’re going to assume they haven’t really read the thing too well, unless of course they intend to demand being immediately stoned to death or something along those lines.

Then again, hard to say, since Esten also told Judge Jennings, “There’s a great deal of strategy in Scripture and I use those strategies in everything I do[.]” We know there is some rapey stuff in the Bible, but are fairly certain there’s nothing in there about the need to imprison preteen girls for three years and rape them repeatedly until they manage to escape when you and your dad are out of the house. Then again, people read all sorts of things into the Bible, so you never can tell what they might come up with. Judge Jennings has allowed the men to have a Bible available to them, but said they can’t use it to question witnesses during the trial, advising them, “It’s the court’s opinion that while the Bible is very important, it is not a law book in a court of law,” which sounds like a pretty solid legal opinion, or possibly an impeachable offense, one or the other.

The Ciboros are accused of sexually assaulting the girl over a period of three years, from 2012 to 2015. They are each charged with three counts of rape, endangering children and kidnapping. Timothy Ciboro, who faces two additional rape counts, is also accused of sexually assaulting the girl’s younger sibling during the same time period, the Toledo Blade reported.

The Ciboros were arrested in May 2016 when the girl, then 13, escaped the basement where she’d been held for over a year — another practice we don’t recall being advocated by most editions of the Good Book. She told police she was fed only spoiled leftovers and was forced to use a bucket as a toilet.

The Ciboros appear to think they are in better shape using the Bible their own selves for their defense than relying on attorneys; in a November hearing, Esten Ciboro explained his reasoning using a cliche that’s much beloved of homeschooling parents and other Christianists: “Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the ark.” Which perhaps would be a more compelling argument were the story of Noah’s Ark not a physical impossibility, let alone a legal strategy. Ultimately, their use of the Bible is likely to be about as successful as any other case where defendants represent themselves, so we can’t say they’re really putting themselves at that much more of a disadvantage.

The Washington Post notes that religious-based defenses have been used, without success, in some other recent criminal cases, like an Indiana woman who argued that state’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act, signed into law by Mike Pence in 2015, gave her the right to beat her son with a wire hanger, since the Bible is a greater authority than Joan Crawford. The judge didn’t buy it, and the woman pleaded guilty. In another Indiana case, a man argued that his religious beliefs relieved him of an obligation to pay over $1,000 in state income taxes, although WaPo points out his case was weakened by his refusal to specify what those beliefs were, or how they overruled tax law.

In a perfectly accurate but nonetheless brilliantly deadpan bit of copy, the Post observes, “It’s unclear how Timothy and Esten Ciboro plan to use the Bible to aid their defense, or what part of it they plan to cite.”

We’ll confess we can hardly wait to find that out ourselves. So far, there’s no indication they intend to borrow Ryan Bundy’s argument that, as citizens of Heaven, they aren’t bound by the mere laws of the United States and Ohio.

In other news, people across America continue to fret about Sharia law.

[WaPo]

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  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    And OF COURSE they’re Trump fans. From Raw Story:

    The 27-year-old Esten Ciboro’s Facebook page reveals an apparent admiration for Donald Trump, and a strong opposition to transgender people using restrooms that correspond with their gender identity, reported LGBTQ Nation.

    “For those unaware: Target will be allowing men in the girls’ restrooms of its stores and will also allow women in the boys’ restrooms of its stores- all to support queerism and confusion,” Esten Ciboro wrote May 10, before his teenage stepsister was rescued from the basement dungeon in which he’s accused of imprisoning her.

    • Jennifer R

      Color me fucking shocked.

    • Teecha

      I try hard never to wish harm in others, but sometimes I wonder if people like this understand how awful their crimes are without experiencing them first hand, from the point of view of the victim. Of course, there’s no ethical way to do that, but sometimes…

      • Jennifer R

        I try hard too.

        I fail a lot these days.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      She was locked in a cell correpsonding to her gender at birth, so it was all cool with Jeebus.

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      That’s his target demographic. How economically anxious were they?

  • Nounverb911

    Who Would Jeebus Imprison?

    • FlownOver

      All of the Deplorables, Donnie.

  • Jennifer R

    Probably the part about how if you rape a woman, you have to marry her. More MRA MGTOW who can’t get laid and decide to kidnap and rape.

  • Teecha

    I hope they’re both found guilty very quickly and then go to prison for the rest of the lives.

    I hope the young women involved in this are given all the help and support that they need, for as long as they need, and that they are able to recover and move on. I hope their lives are full of joy and love and happiness and contentment and generally nice things, forever.

    • Sandy Beaches

      I know as a liberal, I should be against the death penalty (and on most days, I am), but when I read shit like this, not only do I think these monsters should die, I think I could pull the switch myself. It’ll pass and I’ll go backing to knowing the death penalty is too good for them. But for right now, I’m going to allow myself these thoughts.

      • OrG

        I know what you mean,but is they’re executed they cold become “martyrs”.Life sentence without parole they would likely die old and unknown.

      • chimichanga

        Child rapists/molesters/abusers in prison. Fear of death is almost worse than a death sentence.

  • Nounverb911

    “have told the court that the only law they recognize is that contained in the Holy Bible.”
    So they are in favor of Sharia law then?

  • Me not sure

    The picture makes me wonder who the brains of the operation could have possibly been.

  • memzilla Ω

    I’m sure they will be using the King Donnie Version. #spicerbible

  • Nounverb911

    Voir dire for this trial will be a hoot.

    • Sandy Beaches

      What are the odds that these two ass clowns are also white supremacists who will insist on not having any of them coloreds on the jury? Also too, I’m sure there’s a verse or two in One Timothy that says wimmins can’t have authority over men, so they can’t be on the jury either.

  • JMP

    Too bad for the monsters the courts recognize actual law and not just the crazy and often completely evil rules in that stupid old book.

    • Alan

      I wonder why they even let them pull this crap though.

      • JMP

        The Sixth Amendment; the Supreme Court has held that the right to trial includes the right of the Defendant to conduct their defense as they wish unless they are legally incompetent, no matter how stupid.

        • C4TWOMAN

          And here I thought stupid equaled legally incompetent. I guess I don’t know nuthin about lawyerin.

        • Alan

          Pretty sure this proves they’re incompetent.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Bible law good, Sharia law bad.
    That about sums it up for the dumbfuck demographic.

    • willi0000000

      fortunately you can turn Sharia Law into church law just by changing the title page and a few words in the footnotes.

      [ you don’t even need to change the page numbers ]

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Your Honor, I would like to refer to the case of Moses v. Egyptians.

    • JMP

      The case that says murdering millions of children is perfectly good if you don’t like the leader of the country they live in. And the religious still tell that story as something we should celebrate!

      • Bitter Scribe

        It was overturned by Herod v. Jesus.

        • JMP

          Herod has got to be one of history’s most slandered figures, considering how many people believe that bullshit story actually happened.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Alan

      The last one is just plain scary but WTF with Jodie?

      • Bitter Scribe

        My best guess is that she meant emergency contraception but couldn’t bring herself to utter the word “contraception.”

        • willi0000000

          nope.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        She actually believed that a rape kit was an effective way to prevent pregnancy. She’s one of those fucking loons they have so many of on that side.

    • Groundloop

      If there’s any justice (HA!), ol’ Tim and Esten will get to learn even more about rape when they’re doing time in general population at a maximum security prison, getting hollowed out regularly by the meanest bulls on the block.

      With votes of course.

      • doktorzoom

        No. Please review the rules. Not only do we not wish rape on anyone — including evil people like these guys — but your obvious delight in the thought of these guys being raped is unsettling. Might I suggest you rethink how funny rape is? Just a suggestion.

        And no, “with votes” doesn’t cover it.

        — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

        • Groundloop

          Sorry Dok. Emotion got the better of me.

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      What’s really scary is that all of the people on that list will use the fear of rape as a reason to keep those brown people out of the country. I guess for them rape is only bad if it is done by the wrong race.

      • willi0000000

        it’s just like standing your ground.

    • Mickey Donovan

      Just SMH. Such upstanding spokeslizards for the GOP.

  • Treg Brown

    Kidnapping and raping a preteen.

    This is one of those times I should remember the ban-hammer and keep my opinions about pedophiles to myself.

    I hope this poor child and her family are receiving comfort and some assistance dealing with this tragedy.

    • Bitter Scribe

      I hope her mother, who last saw the victim in 2012, is receiving some assistance in understanding why she should not have left her daughter with nutjob rapists.

      • C4TWOMAN

        And perhaps learning to see signs something was wrong? I know we don’t like to dump on mums who might be at their wits end, but at the end of the day they are adults with some power while their children have none.

  • Reddishrabbit

    I guess it is in the special bible invisible ink between turn the check message.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    I’m trying but can’t recall the various rules under which the Good Book let’s men take women as their own slaves for whatever they want cuz God said it’s OK… but I’m blanking…

    • Anna Rompage

      I believe there’s a whole section in Leviticus on the practice… You can take a slave girl as long as she’s not from your same village or tribe…

    • Jennifer R
      • Beanz&Berryz

        But which category applies? misogyny, cruelty and violence, or sex??

        • Jennifer R

          AOT;K

    • Thiazin Red

      Its okay to keep women and girls from conquered territories as sex slaves. Not Jewish women or girls, those you have to pay a fine for raping and marry them.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Ahh.. Thank you!!

  • OrG

    They’re prolly not gonna like prison.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Other prisoners don’t like short eyes, especially with a pre-teen.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      OTOH they will be allowed to have a Bible in their cell, so there’s that.

  • chiefkurtz

    Wait until they find out about the only law their fellow inmates recognize.

    • Mickey Donovan

      They’ll want to take part right up until they realize that they’re going to be the rapees, not the rapers.

      • Pretty sure the genpop reaction to child rape is going to be a bit less rapey and a bit more stabby.

        • C4TWOMAN

          I can get behind stabby.

        • Mickey Donovan

          So they are going to miss out on the rapey fun then. That’s a real shame.

  • goonemeritus

    A full year latter and there are still more documented cases of christens raping children that they have chained in there basement than transgender people assaulting anyone in restrooms.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      We need to restrict basement access. Call an emergency session of Congress!

      • goonemeritus

        We can’t, that’s where I hide when we have company.

    • JMP

      But what about all those children held by John Podesta in the non-existent basements of local Pizza joints, hmm?

      • goonemeritus

        At least they would be eating correctly prepared Risotto.

    • chimichanga

      They go low – then they go into the basement. (de-basement?)

  • Bill D. Burger

    Republican Jesus approves of rape. So…they go free! Amen.

    They just gotta’ pay up. Always boils down to $$$….It’s the GOP way.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BflwKZNCEAAGn2d.jpg

    • I was just coming here to say this.

      For any interested, those 50 shekels of silver would work out to be $350 in American currency today.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Damned inflation! ___ Thanks Obama.

      • Querolous

        A shekel is a unit of weight equal to about 11 grams, so 50 shekels is about 550 grams or 19.4 ounces. Live mid-market rates as of 2017.01.24 02:57:00 UTC. Refreshes once per minute.
        19.41905 XAG
        =
        333.9288 USD
        Silver Ounces United States Dollars
        1 XAG = 17.1959 USD 1 USD = 0.0581533 XAG

        • Okay, I was off by $17. Math nerds. Sheesh. :)

          • Celtic_Gnome

            You’re still cool. That other $17 is the sin tax.

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      So are both the father and son going to marry the same girl and not be allowed to divorce her?

      • JMP

        Well the Bible is perfectly OK with polygamy – Christianity didn’t adopt rules requiring monogamy until the late Middle Ages – so why not?

        • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

          Gross. That fact didn’t help.

      • Ahh, the ol’ Reverse Mormon.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Not to excuse this rubbish, but it makes logical sense in a culture where a woman’s livelihood was dependent on being married and not being a virgin made her marriageable.

      Logical, not fair, just or humane. This is of course why we reject the chattel model of social mobility….

      • JMP

        It’s a part of how the Old Testament, and the Epistles of Paul in the New, continually treats women as property instead of people; look at how the ninth commandments forbids coveting thy neighbor’s wife but is silent about coveting a husband.

        • Nynaeve

          I don’t really believe in any of it anymore…. But you’re making the same mistake with the Bible that the Christians do. The culture in which the Mosaic law was introduced was very, very different from the culture in which Paul wrote his epistles. Paul was actually quite liberating to women in that culture, in that time. He literally said that race, class and gender distinctions were erased “in Christ.”

          I think Paul gets a bad rap because other people have taken him out of context. Just from a literary standpoint, context should matter.

  • azeyote

    idiots – they think the bibles a law book when everyone knows it’s a science book –

    • WotsAllThisThen

      It’s a dessert topping AND a floor wax!

      • Has this ever happened to you?

      • Jack Tenhet

        You made me spit out my water! I remember that old skit!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      It’s AOT,K

    • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend

      It”s a book of fables with sections on boat building, horticulture and geneology.

    • Vacuous Virgina

      It’s a cookbook 😨

  • Anna Rompage

    Great, yet another crazy lone wolf indecent where the perps just happen to belong to some nutty, off the beaten path Christian sect….

  • Skeptical_thinker

    OT from WAPO: This made me LOL at work. Odd looks did I get:

    GOP senators pitch plan that would let some states keep Obamacare

    • Alan

      They don’t want to lose their jobs in two years.

      • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

        But they will.

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        Which is, of course, why this alternative plan doesn’t kick in until 2020.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Ah, the “Everyone can have their own flavor of Jell-O” plan. Because federalism is dead, unless the locals don’t do what the Republicans want.

  • whitroth

    1. The US, by law, is a secular country. “As we are in no wise a Christian nation”, sect 11, Treaty of Tripoli, 1797.
    2. Sharia! I mean, Christianista! law!
    3. Y’know, over the decades, I’ve been friends with several folks who were perfectly happy for me to refer to them as followers of Yeshua. And they all (separately, not knowing each other) agree that the New Covenant *COMPLETELY* replaces the Old Covenant, and therefore you can’t use Old Covenant rules….

  • Bill D. Burger

    Bible is sooo’ conflicted. Says the Deuteronomy that you have to marry the girl you rape…..but you can stone her to death on your wedding day when you find out she’s not a virgin.
    Godammit’…that’s so confusin’!

    http://akphoto4.ask.fm/275/532/077/710003006-1qfqppm-6o09r8rc93bego5/original/whuut.jpg

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Far be it from me to defend Christianity, or any religion, from criticism and scrutiny – hell, it’s so far from me I need the Hubble Telescope – but I would like to gently offer the possibility here that what these two did is not exactly in the spirit of any Christian tradition – or Jewish, for that matter – whatsoever. They are insane and evil. Period.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Ben Carson, our soon-to-be Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (unless he’s already been confirmed), also used that professionals-Titanic-amateurs-Ark line. I wonder if these two will call him as a witness.

    • willi0000000

      what? . . . they have grain/pyramid questions also, too?

  • canes_pugnaces

    I am actually relieved it wasn’t Uday or Qusay and Donald Trump.

  • Vincent Ricola

    “The trial is scheduled to start this week, months after the girl, who is Timothy Ciboro’s stepdaughter managed to unshackle herself and escape while her alleged abusers were gone,”

    This is horrific. I hope they go away for a very, very long time to one of those “with votes” prisons.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    God has a lot of fools for clients.

  • Martini Ambassador

    Arrg! Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals, Rules for Radicals…

  • clairence

    I’m confused. 3 years or 1 year?

    • Alan

      Me too. Not that it matters much.

    • mackafritz

      Maybe assaulted over three years and imprisoned for one.

  • Iron Monkey

    I hope the court can keep these cretins from calling the victim as a witness.

  • TundraGrifter

    OK, dumbass, would you rather fly in a plane built by a professional or an amateur?

    Or, ram your Ark into a fucking iceberg and see how things go from there.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Maybe with a raging fire in your coal bunker while you’re at it…

    • chicken thief

      Jesus is his copilot so it don’t matter much.

      • Alternative Pony Ron

        Don’t look at me, I’m not instrument-rated yet.
        – Jesus

    • OrG

      Don’t you know about “alternative facts”?

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      Why are they assuming Noah was an amateur? Would God choose a loser? of course not. He’d get a professional like any other reasonable deity.

      • mailman27

        The guys that designed the Titanic were all too mortal. Noah, on the other hand, is totally imaginary.

      • TundraGrifter

        Well, you know Noah was an experienced sailor because the first thing he did when he hit the shore was get drunk.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    I’ll take “Name that sociopath for $1000 next, Alex”.

  • TJ Barke

    But atheists are the really amoral people!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I am so tired of barbarous fucks using the Bible to justify their barbarism. It’s as if the thing was written by some bronze age sheepherders or something.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Sociopaths, narcissists, and such have to use something when caught real good :)

  • Nounverb911

    OT
    Uh Oh Wonkers, Rebecca’s photo is used but she isn’t quoted.

    https://twitter.com/jaketapper/status/823598401682030592

  • DoILookAmused2u ?
  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    You have to love pro se defenses. It’s really a chance for the truly evil to try to rationalize their evil.

  • mailman27

    Why isn’t the christian community apologizing for this? Where are their leaders?

    • Nounverb911

      Kissing trumps ring?

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      and the fathers!. Oh, wait.

    • Tallmutha

      I think we should let Christians stay here, provided they forswear Biblical law, vow allegiance to the laws of this country, and agree to spy on their fellow Christians for us.

      • OrG

        Brilliant!^^^^^^^

  • mPEEg

    The Ciboros were arrested in May 2016 when the girl, then 13, escaped the basement where she’d been held for over a year

    *sigh*

    Oh well, it’s not as if I’d yet crossed “Feel Stabby” off my To-Do list…

  • Crystalclear12

    Wonder who they voted for?

    • Alternative Pony Ron

      They voted the straight R ticket, just as Paul taught.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      GEBTP Trump or Dried Up Hillz? I wonderz…

  • chicken thief

    What is it with men in Ohio locking up wimmen in their homes? Wasn’t there some guy in Cleveland that was convicted a few years ago for the same thing?

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      Yes.

    • Prismo87

      not that there is a scale of atrocities of this sort, but: at the very least, the Cleveland creep (now dead, died in prison) locked up fully growed wimmenz.

      Seems the father son tag team of deplorables are also pedophiles.

      • theCryptofishist

        I just want to say that “Cleveland creep (now dead, died in prison)” doesn’t get to one of the (many) things that anger me about that case. He committed suicide. Talk about being able to dish it out but not being able to take it.
        grrrrrrrrrrrrr

  • Scrofula

    Whoever did these boy’s brain surgery took that “amateur v. professionals” thing a little too far.
    (I’ll point out the ark was either a)imaginary or b)aided by a supreme being; either way not something to cite as evidence of your ability to do anything.)

    • Prismo87

      The ark was a metaphor.

      Clearly, the home school crowd doesn’t know what that device is.

      • Scrofula

        And all this time I’ve avoided fiddle playing cause that’s what makes grasshoppers starve.
        (I continue to play my metaphorical fiddle)

        • Prismo87

          I am a metaphorical wish master.

          • Scrofula

            God? Is that you? PLEEEEEEESE may you let the Falcons win. (or whatever, I don’t do sportsball so well).

          • Prismo87

            No, Prismo from Oo.

            Adventure Time, baby!

  • Prismo87

    And Abraham lived to age 200, according to most translations.

    Which essentially means he was Gandalf.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That’s some damn clever hereticalizing right there!

      • Prismo87

        I figure Gandalf is as good a patriarch as any. Plus, Gandalf never insisted upon screwing his wife’s maid.

  • Tallmutha

    These guys are going to base their defense on the book that convinced them Noah’s Ark existed. I think I see the fatal flaw.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      They just wanna get a field trip to the Ark Experience?

  • Jack Tenhet

    Funny how many of these people claim “The Bible made me do it!” without actually having read any Bible at all. I mean, there are countless different versions of The Bible and nobody can really agree on which one is “right” or even what any of them actually mean anymore. Regardless, there is a higher law that’s called basic decency. It’s easy to do and requires no special reading or interpretation. Unfortunately, these nutbags traded in decency and virtue for torturous evil and we all know that THEY know what they did was wrong. These guys can just eat a buffet of dicks.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      You know what’s amazing? I was raised Catholic, which is why I am now Atheist. It’s amazing, I know this “basic dignity” thing you speak of…even without (or perhaps because) of my lack of faith. I don’t need a magic sky person to make me behave like a civilized human being. Seems all these extreme religious wing nuts who claim to be so into the bible can’t behave properly even with the fear of hell.

      • Jack Tenhet

        I was raised Catholic as well, I can’t say I’m an Atheist because I am still looking for something, but I do respect the choice and may end up finding peace in that myself. The problem with these Sky Father types is that they actually believe that human beings can’t be moral without being Christian. By default, that means if they are Christian, everything they do is moral. That’s the problem.

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          I feel if I just try to be a good person, everything else will fall into place. I have faith in me. If you’re still looking for something, maybe try Universalist? They seem pretty accepting of most things – basically “don’t be a dick” kinda stuff. Good luck in your search for inner peace :) I truly hope you find it.

          • Prismo87

            Imma not a yuuge fan of Westerners co opting Eastern cultures, but: Buddhism can be done by pretty much anyone.

            Maybe I misread the directions?

          • MeerkatsRMammals

            That’s a good one too

          • Jack Tenhet

            Thanks! You’re a decent person. :)

          • MeerkatsRMammals

            Why thank you, I try…

  • HazooToo

    Yay, disgusting freaks! But of course, these guys do not represent all Christians, like ISIS represents all Muslims. Why would anyone think that? /suppressing urge to break rules

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    All the trigger warnings in the world didn’t prepare me for the fact that this girl has been held captive & repeatedly raped since she was 10 years old. Excuse my trucker mouth, but what the fuck is wrong with people? What is wrong in your disgusting brain that not only finds a 10 year old attractive, but thinks it’s God’s will to keep her in such conditions? Fuck everything about this whole thing. Hopefully these pieces of shit get the law books thrown at them & they will find out how fun it is to be held captive for the rest of their lives.

  • Jenny

    Rshfhdhsjskskdnjdndbdhendbx!

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      This!

  • Alternative Pony Ron

    This is another thing we’re going to be seeing more of, isn’t it?

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Welcome to Making America Great Again! Under their rules, if this poor girl wound up pregnant, she’d have to keep the baby too. Way to go Russia…

      • Ms.Moon

        Just be grateful she doesn’t have to marry her rapist because there was that too.

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          Sick bastards, the lot of ’em

      • Prismo87

        Not only that: the rapist could sue for custody of said child.

        About 10K women in the US have children from being raped where the rapist has claimed and was awarded shared custody.

        Depressing as fuck, that.

    • doktorzoom

      I dunno — creepy weirdos have always been with us, and always will be.

      • Alternative Pony Ron

        This is true. But I think the creepy weirdos are feeling empowered now.

  • Randy Riddle

    “Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the ark.”

    Which seems to be the mantra of those in the Trump administration filling cabinet positions…

    • Antonin Dvorak

      I saw a photo from the Women’s March in NYC, one guy was holding a sign that read: “Ikea has better Cabinets”.

    • Prismo87

      Professionals also built Titanic’s sister ship, The Olympia. The sister survived for 50+ years.

    • TJ Barke

      Assumes facts not in evidence.
      A. There was an Ark.
      B. Noah existed.
      C. The religion in question is true.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Titanic actually existed. The Ark, not so much.

    • Oh yeah? Well the ark only floated for 4o days and ended up parked on a mountain.

      • doktorzoom

        As I recall, it was 40 days of rain, then a year before the waters receded. (to where, the creationists are a little unclear). But you need at least a full year for continental drift to have happened, and those continents zipped right across the planet within that year.

        They know their science.

        • Little Lulu ResistanceFighter

          Little known fact: Continental drift was outlawed in TEXAS last year.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I’d say these guys are violent felonious perverts, barking mad into the bargain, and their defense has zero chance of holding up, but then it does make more sense than the Bundys jr case, and they won. Everybody in that set knows that the bible has higher authority than the constitution.

    • Scrofula

      I think the Bundy’s won because the FBI fucked up and half the people there were informants. Let’s hope that’s not the case here.

      • C4TWOMAN

        The prosecutor fucked up. They went for some obscure hard to prove conspiracy(?) charge instead of the documented felonious property damage. Still makes my blood boil…

        • OrG

          Almost like they didn’t REALLY want a conviction.

          • C4TWOMAN

            I don’t completely buy that….but I’d be convinced with enough evidence. Cuz that should have been a slam dunk case.

        • Scrofula

          They’re not totally off the hook yet, though, for property damage and all.
          And of course the family itself is still in jail.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Is it allowable under Wonkette non-comment rules to hope that they are incarcerated in the general prison population?…

      • Scrofula

        As long as it’s in the interest of “equal treatment”.

      • C4TWOMAN

        With votes.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          twelve votes?…

          • OddMan

            12 Angry Votes.

        • OrG

          Daily votes.

      • JustDon’tSayFacts,Sean

        Whatever do you mean? What could possibly go wrong?

      • theCryptofishist

        It’s quite possibly violates one of the stated rule for non-allowed comments.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      These cretinous fucks are holding us back from going to the stars. Fuck them.

      • Mildred Broxon

        Perhaps we could send them to the stars. But save money on the oxygen supplies.

  • C4TWOMAN

    To prevent myself from being consumed with rage because the law already has apprehend these creeps, and doesn’t need me to beat them to death with a crowbar apprehend them for a fair trial with perhaps more force than is absolutely necessary, and they are in fact going to prison for a long time we hope,…what was I saying?

    Oh yeah, to keep my spirits up I’m turning to Betty Bowers, America’s BEST Christian:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFkeKKszXTw

    • Villago Delenda Est

      With Votes!

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Nope, nope, nope – next story.

  • Bitter Scribe

    What really makes me angry about them getting to represent themselves is that it means they’ll be allowed to cross-examine the victim directly. As if she hasn’t been traumatized enough,

    • Scrofula

      Maybe that IS their strategy.

  • MeerkatsRMammals
  • MOG253

    They plan to introduce Biblical alternative facts.

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      That’s what I’m afraid of. Imagine what would happen if they appealed a conviction in Trump’s America.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    What makes you think it’s a Good Book….?

  • Paperless Tiger

    And God said, “Thou shalt throw away the key on these two”.

    • Prismo87

      The key was thrown, and God called it good.

      • JustDon’tSayFacts,Sean

        And there was much rejoicing.

        • o’look Skwerl!

          And orgies.

          • Prismo87

            And lo, the golden calf was made, and Moses called it bad.

  • o’look Skwerl!

    Now let’s see here: Anglo Saxon and Danelaw customary law + Norman framework + statutory law – religious law (which was the realm of the Church) = common law. Now I’m not seeing a big Bible presence here. However Trial by Combat is technically legal in states that do not outlaw dueling, so they can try that.

  • chicken thief

    Lock her in the basement: That’s one way to keep the little lady from rioting in the streets with them librul harpies what don’t know how good they got it because America is Great Again.

    • Rick Hill

      Barefoot and shackled is the old fashioned way of maintaining a family unit.

    • Rick Hill

      Barefoot and shackled is the old fashioned way of maintaining a family unit.

      • Prismo87

        A traditional one, at that.

      • Tallmutha

        That’s when things started going to hell in this country, when parents stoppled shacklin.’

      • SnarkON

        Needz mor white babbys.

  • Rick Hill

    Well, the bible is pretty specific on what to do with tyrants and Pharaohs, right? First a plague of pssy lollipops followed by plagues of people that are larger in number than your blight of people….

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    The only things that are in the Bible about rape are some iffy laws in the Old Testament (as well as some stuff about screaming “no”, rape not counting, and stoning rapists which was mentioned) and a couple of stories that are told without comment one way or another. Is there anything even in the New Testament?

    • Prismo87

      Control all wimmenz.

    • Tallmutha

      Also some stuff about upstanding godly men offering their daughters to a mob to be raped, because godliness.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        They didn’t comment on that, probably because Lot’s daughters ended up raping their dad…

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Holy Fuck. I just cannot keep straight all the story lines in this book…

          • Not only raping him, but raping him and getting preggo with his children.
            Because bible.

          • Prismo87

            Sounds very GoT.

            (Suspicions on alert!)

          • Well, there is no new story under the sun you know. GoT hadda get it from somewhere!

  • Prismo87

    Looks like I’ll be needing another viewing of MST3K tonight to clean my brain.

    Any episode suggestions? I was thinking ‘The Day the Earth Froze’ what with Russia installing Trump the Idiot into the WH.

    • SnarkON

      Could be a Manos….Hands of Fate kind of night.

    • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

      I love all of the Russian films they riffed. I suggest “The Sword and the Dragon”.

  • andyshelt

    “the only law they recognize is that contained in the Holy Bible.”

    Not usually a big fan of that book but I’m sure that when these dipshits are found guilty there will be some cruel and unusual punishments contained in that book that we should use on them that might make them want to rethink their legal strategy!

  • Jennifer R
    • tehbaddr

      Luvs her literal interpretations!

      Helps to make sense of what is going on in those red sates.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    Also too, there are several passages in the Bible that say, “You follow the laws of men unless they are at odds with the laws of God.” These guys will not see heaven.

    • Jennifer R

      And at least one that says the laws of man ARE the laws of god.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        Forgot about that one, thank you for reminding me.

    • Rick Hill

      Outside of there not actually being a heaven, that is.

      “This must be what salvation is like, after awhile…”

    • Scrofula

      Render unto Caesar?

  • Where the fuck is NaziPuncher when you need him?

    • Jennifer R

      Hopefully learning to throw a damn punch. And putting some meat on those twigs he things are arms.

    • Rick Hill

      I tell you, it wasn’t a punch. It was an alpha bro ritual. It’s not our fault the nazi was a beta cuck.

  • ViveLaRésistance

    They’ll probably be convicted, but newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Howard Stern will cast the deciding vote to overturn the conviction. And them invite them to one of his hot tub parties to swap tales of manly derring-do.

    • Spurning Beer

      I hate myself for upfisting that.

  • Ok, fine.
    They want to be bound only by the word of God?
    Then they are revoking their rights. All of them. Since they do not recognize the laws of this land, they don’t get the protections of the laws of this land.
    That’s what they want for people from other countries, right?

    Also, too, more snarkily, the bible had LOTS to say about raping someone’s woman folk- mostly involving getting killed by the man she belonged to and or owing him a shit ton of money. Patriarchy or not, let’s let them run with that.

  • OrG

    God,”STOP THIS SHIT! YOU’RE MAKING ME LOOK BAD!”

    • chicken thief

      I was just thinking that it’s time for Samuel L Jackson Jesus to show up:

      Say Bible one more time, motherfucker. Go on. Say it! Say Bible, motherfucker!

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    I wasn’t aware that it was the design of the Titanic that sank it.

    • design did not help.But mostly it was the iceberg and running full steam into said iceberg.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        And some brand-new thinking that maybe also too it was running full steam at that point cuz maybe there was a fire in the coal bunker that they were trying to deal with…

        • There’s NOW a conspiracy that the Titanic didn’t sink at all – not one tiny bit.

          Seems at the last minute Titanic was switched by the White Star Line (a TRUMPCO subsidiary I bet!) with Olympia because of insurance scandal and to annoy future James Cameron.

          http://www.express.co.uk/news/world/310263/The-Titanic-cover-up

          • C4TWOMAN

            TITANIC TRUTH!

          • Mehmeisterjr

            OBAMA’S SECRET TITANITC SHAME!!!!

            Methesula’s Last Sad Days – Friends Say.

        • C4TWOMAN

          I read that. Interesting.

    • Prismo87

      It was substandard steel used as fastseners and an iceberg what done it.

      The design was fine. Like I pointed out, Titantic’s sister ship, the Olympia – built and launched when Tiitantic was – survived and thrived for decades.

      • I thought Olympia was also too retrofitted with higher whatchamacall it walls, to better block the sections from each other? And too, a redesign of the propeller system and putting the lifeboats back on

        • Prismo87

          The Titanic was a cautionary tale for all ships!

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Bulkheads? At least below passenger decks? Maybe?

          • Whatever they be called, my son would know better, he is like some weird pre teen expert on the thing.
            The things that let the water go over them filling up the sections more rapidly, those things.

          • Reply second: They did not have tops to the water tight compartments.
            Asked son. He is now going on and on and on. THANKS

          • Beanz&Berryz

            LOL… ahh… so the water-tight compartments weren’t water-tight because the walls did not close-off sections… I think proper water-tight walls might be called bulkheads, but maybe you could ask him about THAT?

          • Prismo87

            Kids today.

          • Vienna Woods

            My eldest boy is like that. Would totally geek out for months on one topic, and then move on to the next, from about the age of 3.

          • theCryptofishist

            Aaaaaand five hours later, she hasn’t reported back. Son has a brillient future as some sort of lecturer.

        • Prismo87

          Message from Titanic:

          Need moar life boats.

          • I get mad when I heard that they took them off because they wanted the first class passengers to have a better view or some such shit.
            MAKES ME SO MAD and it was way before even I was borned.

          • Prismo87

            Bob Ballard done found the old canoe, and pulled bits of the Titanic up.

            Then J Peterman attempted an ill advised Titanic line of goods – true story – and also needed rescuing.

      • oldmechanician

        slightly OT:If I’m not mistaken (always a possibility) I recall the name of sister ship to be Olympic. It seems White Star Lines had a tradition of naming their ships with words ending with “ic”. Wife’s grandfather sailed across the Pacific on a ship named Doric in 1902. It was leased from the White Star Lines. It was his summer job while attending Stanford.

        • PubOption

          Yes, you are right, the names ending in ‘ia’ were Cunard ships.

        • laineypc

          Clearly, if it had been named Titanium then it would not have succumbed to the iceberg or metal fatigue or fire or whatever it was….

      • CatCafe de la Resistance

        Weren’t it also, too, that the captain was going too fast, to win a bet, or something like that? So he didn’t have enough time to react? Also, something something with the compartments, and the way they were inadequately watertight so they overflowed into each other and swamped the ship. Too lazy to look it all up. But I can’t blame the design either. The absurd idea of comparing a beautifully constructed ship, which happened into a terrible accident, with a COMPLETELY FICTIONAL, LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE myth! “Professionals built airplanes, which crash sometimes, but amateurs built THE COW THAT JUMPED OVER THE MOON! Take that, professionals!” What the fuck is WRONG with these idiots? I’m serious, I think they are literally lacking in basic cognitive functions, all of those mouthbreathers.

      • ryp
  • Oh wait, one more!!!!
    Where are the concerned citizens screaming about protecting our WIVES AND DAUGHTERS from these Christian perverts????

    • snark-lurker

      now yer talkin by gum!

    • Prismo87

      They had to use the toilet.

  • SnarkON

    Trump supporters? Just a guess.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Imma not going their. Most people regardless of political affiliation would despise these guys.

      The Trumpets are more likely to have a meltdown of cognitive disonance as they try to understand why Bible values didn’t work…

    • Spurning Beer

      Possibly not Tic-Tac customers, however.

  • Shoto

    Them good ol’ boys look like they were sent over from central casting for a remake of “Deliverance.”

    • No snark a second: imagine what the son had to go through as a child to willfully commit such crimes with dear old daddy.
      Friggin shudder.

      • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

        They’re making America great again.

        • C4TWOMAN

          Ow.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Yeah, and one can’t let the community off the hook. Unless we’re going to read they were recluses (which is possible), there’s some deep dysfunction in the community at large. There’s a reason they thought no one would look too closely or do anything….

        This isn’t always 100%, but one person I can buy as a lone troubled individual. Once you have two? Especially when they’re not related? That isn’t just one diseased mind. That’s them acting out a diseased culture.

    • SnarkON

      They look like they are personally responsible for lowering the entire country’s average IQ by a point or two.

  • tehbaddr

    Because it’s high in the middle and wound on both ends!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Prismo87

    Since most of the women in this Bible thingy worked as either a wife or a prostitute, I suspect that point will be the apex of their dumb as a bag of hammers defense.

    Heck, the Koran talks about Mary – by name and deed – far more than the New Testament ever did.

  • bluicebank

    I can imagine the court trial going like something out of “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?”

    Pete: The Preacher said it absolved us.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: For him, not for the law. I’m surprised at you, Pete, I gave you credit for more brains than Delmar.

    Delmar O’Donnell: But they was witnesses that seen us redeemed.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: That’s not the issue Delmar. Even if that did put you square with the Lord, the State of Mississippi’s a little more hard-nosed.

    [laughs]

  • tehbaddr

    Representing themselves! With the bible as evidence…Bwahahahahaahahahhaahhh!!!

  • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

    This gives me comfort. It confirms once again that not having read that horrible book ever in my life was a great decision. I want to thank my overly educated ultraliberal parents for never putting that fucking thing in front of me and for not programming me to believe that it is an instruction manual when I was a child. Thanks to them I learned to seek answers in science, not on badly written fiction from the stone age.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I took a course called The Bible as Literature when I was in grad school. Most of what I learned is that some of the most quoted and famous passages are mistranslations. The Bible is basically one big Whisper Circle.

      • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

        I know. That’s why it’s so sad when people submit to this kind of thing and let it rule their lives. Such a waste.

        • Jukesgrrl

          Yes. I wasn’t religious when I took the class and even less so afterward. But it was enlightening to learn the speculation on where some of the ideas came from. Myths and folklore that can be traced and appear and reappear in different cultures. Not to mention finding out which various translations invented supposedly icon phrases like “a camel through a needle’s eye” and the “coat of many colors.” There really are only so many stories.

      • Gregory Brown

        Biblical scholar Bart D. Ehrman has noted that there are as many textual variations in the Bible as there are words. He also calls the Bible “a deeply human book.”

      • theCryptofishist

        Telephone LIebullz!!

    • shaar dula

      there is nothing wrong with reading an early book, but imo it is naïve to ignore the progress made since these early texts were written.
      another thing that pisses me off in some of these books is the time they spend in establishing their credentials – why you should believe the conjunctures that the author makes, rather than on evidence that establishes their thesis. call to authority, if you will. if I read a modern author doing this, I would throw the book and mebbe burn it if I’m running out of firewood.

      • theCryptofishist

        Books don’t burn easily. It takes a lot of wood to burn a book.

  • mrpuma2u

    They should be blown to bits with the holy hand-grenade of Antioch.

    • C4TWOMAN

      I’ll settle for Ammonium Nitrate fertilizer…with extra votes!

    • CatCafe de la Resistance

      Three shall be the number, and only three. Thou shalt not count to two, unless thou continueth to three. Four is right out.

    • The Wanderer

      Just feed them to the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog!

  • When the judge allows a defendant to act as their own attorney, then the maximum sentence is pretty much a foregone conclusion.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Talk about silver linings. They won’t be dragging this rubbish out too much.

    • Gregory Brown

      He who represents himself has a fool for a client.

  • Michael Loraine

    Religious texts are not the law of this land. We do not have jurists whose purview encompasses the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, the Bhaghavadgita, the Tao Te Ching, etc.

    We have a Constitution, and a body of federal and state laws.

    Rape is illegal. Your religious texts will tell you that it is also reprehensible. But civil law says it’s illegal. That’s what matters. How do you justify raping a child under civil law?

    • Michael Loraine

      I’m sorry, but I really don’t get this. The rapists are not contesting the fact that they’re rapists, but contending that it’s all OK because the Bible told them to??!!

      Well then! I guess we’ll have to outlaw the Bible, since it recommends criminal behavior!

      Burn All Bibles!

      Except mine…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, I don’t trust your Bible.

        Mine, of course, is the only exception on the planet. Or in the quadrant.

        • unclejeems

          Hey, God told me only accept words from the Bible that was writ by King James himself 2000 years ago in England. Words from any other so-called bibles are false and the people who believe in them are possessed by the devil and should be punished. God said so. (Can’t remember the verse right now.) Why, it just stands to reason that the little s**t they rightfully captured actually had a copy of the Living Bible or the New International Version or some such trash. She was a 13 year old tool of the devil or maybe a demon herself, so she got what was coming to her.

          (Yes, I know this looks like a very weak piece of satire. But as a child of a couple of devout Southern Baptists, I heard almost the exactly the same sentiments constantly issue from the mouths of so-called Christians 50 years ago.)

    • shaar dula

      It really does not matter what other books say. Only thing relevant is the common code accepted by contemporaries. The beauty of this code is that the fundamental and perhaps the only immutable premise of it is that it is always open for review and improvement.
      Man kind has had significantly more deeper, profound insights since the days of prophets and gods.

    • ahughes798

      The Bibble is all kinds of rapey. Incesty, also too.

  • shaar dula

    The thing these guy’s are building are actually building? it a know all’s fark.

  • cheetojeebus

    I’m going to avoid the rush and pick out some really good stones now before the verdict is announced.

    • Goposaur

      may I suggest a cinderblock dropped from orbit? you know, just to be sure.

      • Iam Reading

        9.8 m/s*s= fucking fast after many kilometers of travel. F=m*a, so yup, that would do the job

      • doktorzoom

        Pretty sure a single cinderblock dropped from orbit would burn up on reentry. But not completely sure. Mythbusters needs to tackle this one.

        • Jeffocaster in the desert

          Always being logical. Suspend disbelief. After all Darth Vader killed Luke’s father and I still can figure that out.

        • Goposaur

          Drop them from orbit onto a cinderblock. win/win

  • Jukesgrrl

    What do they know about the Bible? Apparently they didn’t read either the Old Testament, “You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against your kinsfolk. Love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.” (Leviticus) or the New Testament, “Do to others what you want them to do to you. This is the meaning of the law of Moses and the teaching of the prophets.” (Matthew, quoting Jesus of Nazareth).

    Of course, the same idea is espoused in Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, Sikhism, Confucianism, Taoism, Zoroastrianism, Wicca, and even Scientology for gawd’s sake, but let’s not go there. TMI for those felons.

  • Incoming (AKA Large) Ham

    They have that special kind of crazy look that is only seen on the truly unhinged. I can’t think of anything in the unholy book that would lend itself in the modern world to their defense.

  • honeywest

    What does the Bible say about destroying a young girl’s life? Who gives a shit. This is America. I hope they both get raped in Jail.

    • doktorzoom

      Hi, please review the rules. We don’t wish rape on anyone — no, not even rapists. Agree that these guys are evil and deserve prison. Wishing for anyone to be raped is beyond the pale here.

      — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

  • Goposaur

    I fully support their choice of defense strategy as it guarantees they will get the maximum sentence allowable (heat death of the universe, plus life)

  • Mavenmaven

    The verse they are looking for is in Two Horrible to Contemplate.

  • azeyote

    well they can always say they’re born again christians – that usually works

  • ken_kukec

    “… unless of course they intend to demand being immediately stoned to death …”

    She who is without a normal adolescence among you, let her cast the first stone.

    (ETA: … with votes, of course.)

  • Stulexington

    “… have told the court that the only law they recognize is that contained in the Holy Bible.” Well here’s the thing Bucky and Bucky junior: secular law still recognizes you.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Under Biblical Law, Common Law, and the Code of Napoleon, this seems like a non-starter.

    Under Trump’s Grab-Her-Pussy Law, it could fly.

    Let’s ask Baghdad Sean! He’ll know!

    • shaar dula

      Beltway Sean, no?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        That, too. He has been an insane insider for years. Now, serving as Trump’s flack, he has morphed into compulsive liar Badhdad Sean and it wasn’t even much of a morph.

    • Sorry but Biblical Law puts now lower age limit upon the use of a woman for sexual activity. It also doesn’t put a lower age on marriage or sex slavery or concubinage.

    • oh man. i haven’t thought about baghdad bob in years.

      good times.

    • phoenix00

      It’s somebody like Pence, Bevin, Walker, or Scott that would let this fly.

  • The justification these turds will use is that she was a slave or concubine and as such they could use her for any sexual act. additionally the Bible does not put any minimal age upon a woman’s availability for sexual intercourse

    If she was a runaway they will argue they took her in on the understanding that she would be their concubine but it may be that her parents sold her to these sick perverts, it does happen.

    All this is Old Testament stuff but they may use 1 Corinthians 7

    1) It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
    2) Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      The victim is his step daughter and her mother is black.

      • In which case concubinage by gift will be claimed (vomit)

    • Peggy Ryan

      I am waiting to see what those 2 Corinthians have to say.

  • DerrickWildcat

    It’s like our religious freedom thing. The bibble says it.
    Genesis 19: something – “Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.”

    • The Wanderer

      The origin of the award-winning pantomime, The Old Cripple and His Daughters.

    • zerosumgame0005

      well, at least that’s what the DAD said happened…

      • Keith Taylor

        And before that, in Sodom, when a trio of angels were visiting his house, and a mob of perverts showed up wanting Lot to hand over the newcomers for the Sodom gang bang treatment, Lot said, “No, uh uh, don’t do this vile thing to my important guests, but hey, you can have my daughters instead and do whatever you like with them, howzabout?” Of course the angels struck the mob blind and Lot didn’t have to make good on that, but he was still a walking compost heap for offering, and it makes me doubt the Genesis 19 story as much as zerosumgame0005 does.
        And Lot was supposed to be such a moral paragon that if there had only been ten like him in Sodom, God wouldn’t have destroyed the place?

        • zerosumgame0005

          and he swore they were virgins! scumbag!

          • Keith Taylor

            Well, that was before he got drunk in the mountains and made it with both of them. They took the initiative and it was all their idea, of course … the Book says so. Maybe they were virgins back in Sodom, or maybe Lot was mistaken and they’d sneaked out to the local degenerate parties. While their father was drunk.

  • ken_kukec

    “Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the ark.”

    Yeah, well, mebbe so. But the pyramids were built by pros, and Sodom & Gomorrah laid low because of amateurs.

    So takes your chances, guys.

  • Iam Reading

    Good thing I can’t comment or I would break the rules.

  • Ursula L

    Deuteronomy 21:10-14 –

    Specific instructions on the kidnapping and rape of foreign women. Including the helpful instruction to cut her fingernails and take away her clothes.

    Called “marrying a captive woman” in most commentary, despite the complete lack of consent.

  • dslindc

    I am unable to put, “with votes” at the end of my desired comment, so I shall reserve it in deference to the rules.

  • SadDemInTex

    I hope they end up in the general prison population

    • bobbert

      Short Eyes.

  • Ms.Moon

    Fundamentalism of every stripe puts a woman under the boot/fist of a man every single one. Christian, Islamic, Jewish fundamentalism always has women in positions subordinate to men. I feel the worst for this child, she is a victim sexually abused for years and imprisoned against her will for years, as a grown woman I cannot imagine what this would do to me but an impressionable child, these monsters deserve to be put under the jail.

  • DQKennard

    And, yet, while they kept a pre-teen stepdaughter/stepsister chained in the basement as a prisoner and rape victim, they were ranting online about things like the Target bathroom policy.

    Also, that picture of Esten in the article is the cleaned-up-trying-to-seem-normal look he’s got for trial.

    http://www.rawstory.com/2016/05/trump-loving-anti-lgbt-bigot-kept-teen-stepsister-shackled-in-basement-dungeon-police/

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      The rawstory report is worse than the Wonkette article. It almost makes me rethink my views of the death penalty.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    They’re not using the bible as an excuse for their lifestyle. They make no excuses for that. They’re just horny and unattractive troglodytes. They want to use the Bible as a law book for when they go to trial. Up to that point, it has probably just been something they tore pages out of when they were out of toilet paper.

  • The Librarian

    Since those two yahoos believe only in the bible, shouldn’t someone point out to them that both Deuteronomy and Leviticus say “an eye for an eye”?

    • nikolai kingsley

      So.. when they’re found guilty.. they’ll be sentenced to be locked in a basement and raped for three years? “Dis gon be gud.”

  • The Wanderer

    When they’re found guilty, I hope the judge uses the Bible as her guide when imposing the penalty.

  • The Wanderer

    Has anyone posted this yet?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDe9msExUK8

  • DahBoner

    The Bible also says don’t trim your beard, Goose.
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/3o7TKrsjNZkIPkKWUo/200w_d.gif#14

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    I’m just curious but which Bible they will be using. Because, and it’s hilarious to think it could actual happen, I admit, but what if a prosecutor just said “I’m sorry, I don’t recognize THAT Bible as THE Bible”, over and over again? I could have so much fun with these asshats!

    • Amy!

      “Objection, your honor! Defendants once again are citing to an inferior seventeenth century translation rather than the original Greek!”

    • Keith Taylor

      Just check out EvilBible.com; it’s enlightening. I’ve heard and read fundamentalist defences of the ancient barbaric Hebrew culture on the grounds that the Hebrews were so much more moral and decent than the awful depraved heathen tribes around them who had customs like human sacrifice and ritual prostitution. But the Bible makes very clear that the Hebrews did sacrifice their children to Yahweh, at least in emergencies like famine or war. Abraham came very close to sacrificing his son Isaac in that way. God supposedly said “Okay, you pass the test, don’t do it,” at the last minute, but what about the war-leader Jephthah in Judges 11? He not only promised to sacrifice his daughter to God if he won a battle, he actually damned well did, and the Bible account doesn’t condemn his behavior.
      They never pointed out Judges 11 to me when I was a naive kid in Sunday School.
      Sacred prostitution is vile by our standards, all right, but a girl wasn’t shamed for it in those heathen cultures. In fact she apparently gained some prestige and went home with a nice dowry after serving her time as a priestess of Astarte, or whoever. I reckon that compares pretty well with the Hebrew law that a girl is to be killed if she’s found not to be a virgin on her wedding night, and if she’s the daughter of a priest, having disgraced her father, she’s to be burned alive. (Leviticus 21). Much more high-minded and moral.

    • Mark Breitinger

      Place your right hand on Exhibit A and repeat after me

  • JParkerSD46

    I understand that prison inmates often have very special welcoming ceremonies for child rapists and abusers and that sometimes these ceremonies continue through the length of a sentence. I do hope these gentlemen will enjoy themselves. BTW, maybe then can get a consult with Dylan Roof, another self-client, to learn how best to represent themselves.

  • jellysblues

    The sad thing is that with the right judge, this might work.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Doesn’t sound like they’re off to a good start with the judge. Then again they might have a jury like the one that acquitted Uday and Qusay Bundy.

  • i’mjustaskingthequestion

    The other criminal aspect of this case is it won’t be nationally televised with some wacky announcer cutting in every once and a while with inane commentary. Or something like that…you can fluff it up…

  • Ryan Denniston

    Trump’s not swooping in to save you. He’s in this schtick only for himself. You’re on your own cruel nutbags.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    “Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the ark.”

    This doesn’t even make sense, since the Titanic worked perfectly. It wasn’t the designer’s fault the crew ran it into an iceberg.

    • Serai 1

      Actually, it turned out shoddy workmanship contributed to the disaster. Cost-cutting measures meant the rivets used to keep the fucking thing together were third-rate and didn’t hold up well.

      • OddMan

        Hey I know about this stuff. Wrought iron rivets did her in.
        The source of this poor quality material became clearer when the Harland and Wolff meeting minutes were examined, and it was seen that pressure to finish Titanic caused the company to order wrought iron that was one level below that generally specified for rivets and they had to use suppliers previously uncertified for this application.

        • Serai 1

          The eternal problem with the bullshit mentality of “do it cheap”. NO. Do it RIGHT. Or don’t do it at all.

      • LucindathePook

        Also some new theory that a fire that burned for several days down in the coal storage area weakened the steel (much like the Twin Towers).

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        Sure, but that’s still just shoddy construction by White Star Lines, not the designer’s fault. I’m pretty sure the space shuttles wouldn’t work too well if you swapped the metal for plywood.

        • Serai 1

          I’m sorry, but who is talking about the designers? We’re talking about how it was built. The design has nothing to do with it.

          • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

            Oh crap, fair enough. But regardless, their point is stupid because no ship of the time, well-built or not, would have survived a full-tilt slam into an iceberg. Especially not a wooden Ark.

    • TheBoatDude

      The Titanic was real; the ark, not so much…

    • javadavis

      Not only did the crew run it into an iceberg, the captain didn’t get the memo (or read the manual, not sure he ever got it though) that explained you needed to shut the watertight doors so that flooding would be limited to just the one holed compartment. Had they just used it as the maker intended it wouldn’t have sunk. Or so some experts have said.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    And they wonder why Hillary called them deplorable.

    • Steven

      no wonder they buy the idea of a pedophile brothel under a pizzeria—they’re evidently capable of it. blaming Hillary must be projection

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        I…that’s just…wow…I had not connected those two things. It really is projection with them, isn’t it? Holy fuck!

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          Same way with those who seemed obsessed with the genitals of the person in the stall next to them. I don’t think they should be allowed anywhere children.

        • Smibo

          Everything is projection with them. Every thing, every time.

          Conclusion: somewhere, there’s a “Christian” pizzeria with a basement full of children who need our help. Just find the loudest, most breathlessly fanatical “pizzagate” conspiracy theorists, look into their contacts, business relationships and real estate holdings, and you could rescue a bunch of kids.

          The greater question is, why is it up to US to tell the FBI how to do their fucking jobs?

        • jenny_whyme

          Trump’s been accused of raping a 13 year old girl while hanging out with a convicted pedophile. Of course it’s projection.

          • Keith Taylor

            He’s on record as having described that registered sex offender and pedophile (got off lightly, of course, being rich) as a “terrific guy” and “a lot of fun” and noting that he likes young women. Riiiigght. Very young women. The kind of very young women into whose dressing rooms Trump breezed unannounced during beauty pageants. A marvel of moral rectitude and considerate finer feelings is Donald.

  • Brad H

    Well, they should have no problem being stoned to death when they’re found guilty!

  • Mike Steele

    Wonder if that delightful dad was receiving taxpayer-funded vouchers for homeschooling his brood? Any comment, Ms. deVos?

  • Serai 1

    Whether the ark existed or not is completely irrelevant – had it existed, it wouldn’t have been built by amateurs. Because you know, professional shipwrights have existed pretty much as long as there’ve been people who needed a boat but didn’t have either the knowledge or the inclination to build one themselves. Jesus, these people are idiots.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      I thought God faxed Noah the instructions.

      • Serai 1

        Nope, just the measurements. They were on their own as far as making the damn thing.

  • tex7

    In Leviticus, there is a long list of relatives that a man is forbidden to have sex with: sister, mother, aunt, mother in law, cousin, ad infinitum. Prominently missing from the list is daughter. Yes, the Bible says a man can have sex with his own daughter.

    Before you disbelieve, my father, a forensic psychiatrist, evaluated a man who followed the Bible’s dictum and had sex with his daughters. He agreed that he couldn’t have sex with any other female relatives and that another man would be sinning if he had sex with this man’s daughters, but it was okay for him to have sex with his daughters because the Bible did not declare it a sin.

    • LesBontemps

      … a man is forbidden to have sex with: sister, mother, aunt, mother in law, cousin,

      Wait, does Pornhub know about this?

    • ANNG14

      The Bible does NOT say a man can have sex with his own daughter.
      If you dispute then, cite chapter and verse.

  • M.E. Lawrence

    Ahem–why are Wonkette and Wonketeers initial-capitalizing “bible”? (I was raised atheist and the bible really, really irritates me, apart from the the Song of Solomon, which is well written.) Nonetheless, this is a truly interesting story as disgusting stories go, and I’m sending a link to the Freedom From Religion Foundation, whose publication “Freethought News” takes an interest in such–incidents.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I capitalize it for the same reason I capitalize Koran/Quran and Torah and Kama Sutra. They’re book titles. Bible deserves capitalization even if you consider it to be fiction, as I do.

    • Jennifer R

      I suspect a lot of it is autocorrect.

    • Mathew G. Smith

      It’s a proper noun wether you believe a word of it or not. Lower case “bible” is just Greek for “book”.

    • ANNG14

      “Freedom From Religion Foundation, whose publication “Freethought News” takes an interest in such–incidents.”
      Apparently they can’t handle Free speech.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    I’m a news junky and this is the first time I’m hearing of this. Could imagine the coverage if they were Muslim and invoking the Koran? The hypocrisy is just utter bullshit.

  • Panika MCD

    you’re reading the wrong Holey Babel for this story, Dok. obviously they are using the ALTERNATIVE Babel. it’s the same one what TX State Rep. Jonathan “Sticky” Stickland (R – Boomstickford) used to come up with how GOD endowed us with the RIGHT TO BOOMSTICK where ever, whenever and however at whoever we want!

  • argent reivich

    Thou Shalt Not Do That Shit. Lol. Doktor, you sweet summer child:

    “If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her ”

    According to the Bible, God is supposed to have condoned, encouraged or commanded rape a great number of times.

    Rape is a Bible honored tradition, come on… have a look!

    http://www.evilbible.com/evil-bible-home-page/rape-in-the-bible/

    • Bebecca

      so are father AND son ready to marry the young woman? And pay her father the present day value of 50 pieces of silver? Slavery is also not frowned upon by the Bible…..

  • phoenix00

    > “Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the ark.”

    Say, you know what else professionals built?
    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f4/Boeing_747-400_Dreamliner_livery.jpg
    https://cnet3.cbsistatic.com/img/cXf2TppvVEt650cZCb64Uw1kFX8=/1170×0/2015/12/22/6bcdb0b3-c416-48e8-94fb-33340d8efd75/dcs09-371-5.jpg
    http://www.burjkhalifa.ae/en/Images/home_bg_tcm186-80501.jpg

    Now tell me what other glorious feats of engineering did these talented “Amateurs” build?

    • Longstreet63

      I’ll give you one: HMS Captain.
      Built in 1870, it was a “revolutionary turreted battleship forced on the Royal Navy by a sea officer and amateur ship designer named Cowper Coles, who used media and his parliamentary seat to insist that the Navy just didn’t understand how to properly design a warship.
      It was a marvel of technology, until a sudden gust of wind struck its massive sailing rig on its maiden voyage, and it fell over and capsized with the loss of all but 12 crew, including Coles, who was aboard as an observer.

      • phoenix00

        “Oops. Forgot about those, pesky moving air”

        • Longstreet63

          Well, they did sort of overlook that wind sometimes fails to move at a consistent speed.

          • phoenix00

            Hey one step at a time. These are amateurs, after all.

    • I’d add this little widget to the professionals’ accomplishments. It’s about 2.5 times the size of the amateur Ark. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cb00884c759958107f1d69d2e1bf42a66b7e9f2d15e4db83287a51f3721a05ff.jpg

    • Mark Breitinger
      • phoenix00

        If I recall correctly, its first and only flight really stretched the definition of “flying”

    • marecek21

      There was nothing wrong with the construction of the Titanic. It was those sailing it who messed up.

      • phoenix00

        Actually there were safety deficiencies, most notably “we only counted on 5 watertight compartments getting punctured instead of 6” plus “not enough lifeboats”

        The Titanic taught us many, many engineering and safety lessons we benefit from today.

  • Kevin

    So… who else thinks they will get away with it?

    • jenny_whyme

      Not rich enough. Otherwise they’d have a fancy lawyer using the loopholes in the Bible that allow them… I can’t even

  • SeeTrain65

    There will come a time when I’ll mumble “there are still good people in my home state” over and over again to myself and, perhaps, even start to believe it. Today is not one of those days.

    “Ay, oh, way to go, Ohio …”

  • Los2000

    If the Bible is the standard they want to use, I’m good with that. They’ll find themselves with a millstone tied around their necks and tossed into the nearest lake.

    • Keith Taylor

      Yep, and that’s New Testament, not Old, which counts as more authoritative, I believe — especially since it’s supposed to be straight from the mouth of the founder of Christianity. Matthew 18.6. They can consider themselves lucky the Bible does not count as a law book in U.S. courts of law. I hope, like the rest of us, that the book which does apply gets thrown at them, hard. The horror of what that poor kid went through …

  • ANNG14

    Terrible people who try to hide their crimes by invoking God.
    That’s a special kind of evil.

  • OnlyOneML

    I stared at these two psychopaths faces a long, long time trying to understand where their evil comes from.
    They looked pretty bummed. About to go to prison for life, no parole…if justice is served, that is. Plenty rapists released after shortest sentence. Yet the courts are particularly unsympathetic to cases like these. Three consecutive life imprisonment terms sounds about right.
    Execution would be too light a sentence. Let their penance be living with their crime against humanity.

  • OnlyOneML

    Gosh. My computer screen just did funny things. It’s as if – as if – Wonketariat doesn’t much want me 2 post. Or something.
    Weird. SOB.
    When I’m such a huge fan ?!
    The cruelty. The horror.
    The unicorn.
    Brussel sprouts Thanksgiving HACK.
    It’s as if some of y’all have NUTHIN’ better to do than hack my shit.
    Yawn.
    Been done so many times I’m comfortably numb.
    How do you justify THAT ‘ISH w/your feminism ?
    The avatar is a Nasa image of el nino’s changes due to global warming.
    Not butts.

    K ?
    Dirty minded little wonks.
    For the fucking record, I’ve gone to.every.legal.entity.known.to.modern.man for help. So don’t snark abt ” Red Bird.” WTF would you know abt. It ?!!!! Seriously.
    Give me the name of a good lawyer or STFU.

    • clubseal

      Should we call your local PD to do a welfare check?

      • OnlyOneML

        You don’t know the full monty, friend, so take your two bits….

      • OnlyOneML

        My devices often go haywire on Wonkette. That’s fact, not fiction. Shove your patriarchal condescension…

        • clubseal

          Mine do too. Especially on Windows 10. It just seemed like you were having a stroke. Carry on, soldier.

          • OnlyOneML

            Yes, but does your Iphone become Molten Lava in your back pocket on Thanksgiving day so you take it out and put it next to the chopping board on the island, while your Dad rolls into bitching about the brussel sprouts your Mom’s making ?
            Then oddly Wonkette mentions Uber Penises or something ” Being Dicks abt. The Brussel Sprouts ” about 24 hours later in a fun – filled Thanksgiving extravaganza ?!
            No ?
            Didn’t think so.
            P.S My Dad is not a Dick, he’s just Misunderstood
            P.P.S Having a really 🔥 cell ☎ not only indicates battery overheating but in some instances, cell phone hacking. I read it on Wired, therefore it’s fact-checked and indisputable.
            P.P.P.S My cell ( new number for 20th time, new device ) gets so hot on a regular basis I could cook eggs on it.
            P.P.P.P.S I am having a stroke

  • marecek21

    “A Toledo man and his son, who are accused of imprisoning a girl in their basement and raping her over a three-year period, have told the court that the only law they recognize is that contained in the Holy Bible.”

    Well, that may be their view of the matter, but the only view on the matter which matters is that of the law and the court enforcing it, and I can assure these two morons that the court does not recognize the Bible as law, and recognizes as law the criminal rules that are going to see them put behind bars, hopefully for the rest of their sorry lives. Oh, and by the way, in prison, the inmates have their own rules, and boy do they HATE child molesters.

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    “Oh! The Holy Bible! Of COURSE I’ll abandon the state and federal constitution and every civilly enacted law on the books and rely on this error-riddled work of fiction from western Asia!” Said no judge ever.

    • clubseal

      I’m hardly surprised that these child raping pieces of trash have the same mental and legal acuity as the Bundy clan.

    • BearOmegaNomNom

      Except for Roy Moore, natch.

  • TheGrandWaz00

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