If you took the Lord’s Day off from playing internet like we did (“we” being me, Evan, since the editrix made Dok work ALL DAY), you might have missed Our Kellyanne Conway, Assistant Liar To The Liar-In-Chief, telling Chuck Todd that Donald Trump’s Press Secretary Sean Spicer isn’t just a thin-skinned, weak asshole, lying at his boss’s behest about Trump’s tiny inauguration numbers, but that the administration is simply presenting “alternative facts.” HA. HA HA. HA HA. FUCK YOU, CRAZY LADY WHO WEARS UGLY CAT BUTTONS AND WAS ONCE CROWNED PRINCESS OF THE BLUEBERRIES IN NEW JERSEY.
Here! Watch a fun exchange if somehow your entire social circle hasn’t been laughing about it for a whole day now:
CHUCK TODD: … [Y]ou make a very reasonable and rational case for why crowd sizes don’t matter. Then explain, you did not answer the question, why did the president send out his press secretary, who’s not just the spokesperson for Donald Trump … He also serves as the spokesperson for all of America at times. […] Why put him out there for the very first time in front of that podium to utter a provable falsehood? It’s a small thing. But the first time he confronts the public it’s a falsehood?
KELLYANNE CONWAY: Chuck, I mean, if we’re going to keep referring to our press secretary in those types of terms I think that we’re going to have to rethink our relationship here. I want to have a great open relationship with our press.
If you say the press secretary lied, just because he lied, then maybe the Trump administration will threaten the press, for reporting that the press secretary lied.
Conway complained a whole lot about Sean Spicer’s OTHER whine-fest from Saturday’s press statement, that a journalist had a made a mistake by reporting that Trump had removed a bust of Martin Luther King Jr. from the Oval Office, and then corrected the record. But why did he get that wrong in the first place? Kellyanne Conway knows he only got that wrong because the press is UNFAIR TO TRUMP.
There was a lot of blah blah crosstalk and Kellyanne Conway being an ass, but Chuck Todd had not forgotten that she had not answered his question:
TODD: … [Y]ou did not answer the question.
CONWAY: I did answer …
TODD: No you did not.
CONWAY: … your question.
TODD: You did not …
CONWAY: Yes I did.
TODD: … answer the question of why the president asked the White House press secretary to come out in front of the podium for the first time and utter a falsehood?
She “Kellyanned” the question, which is very different from answering it. How this works is that you pick out one word in the interviewer’s question — in this case “falsehood” — and then you turn it around and, all dickhead Jersey-like, you go “YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT FALSEHOODS?” And then you talk about whatever it is you wanted to talk about in the first place. She does it every time.
CHUCK TODD: Why did he do that? It undermines the credibility of the entire White House press office …
KELLYANNE CONWAY: No it doesn’t.
CHUCK TODD: … on day one.
KELLYANNE CONWAY: Don’t be so overly dramatic about it, Chuck. … You’re saying it’s a falsehood. … Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave alternative facts to that. But the point remains–
CHUCK TODD: Wait a minute– Alternative facts? Alternative facts? Four of the five facts he uttered, the one thing he got right was Zeke Miller. Four of the five facts he uttered were just not true. Look, alternative facts are not facts. They’re falsehoods.
When you manage to get Chuck Todd, hackiest hack of Hackville, to laugh at you for being such A Idiot, you have accomplished something, Madam.
Oh, also she said she was a “kind” and “gracious” person, for real, and we don’t even have a joke about it, that’s how nuts it was.
Anyway, all of Twitter and all of Facebook and all of the angels in heaven and demons in hell and the old witch who has Kellyanne Conway’s father’s soul trapped in a lantern — read that link, The Onion is READY ON DAY ONE for the Trump regime — laughed and laughed and started making up alternative facts about themselves, and Kellyanne Conway is the laughingstock of the universe now, even more than on Inauguration Day, when she wore that … thing.
People have also been making memes with #SeanSpicerFacts and things Sean Spicer Says, and the internet is just having a jolly old time with all these idiots.
So that’s where America is now. We have a new administration that will lie to our faces every single day, and we’re going to have a hell of a time correcting every single thing they say. This is the Bush administration going after the “reality-based community” times ten, ON CRACK, and it’s going to hurt us.
However, we must give our mainstream medias, particularly the Washington Post and the New York Times, massive props for seeing the same Sean Spicer press statement we saw, and immediately calling the fucking liars a buncha fucking liars, right to their faces. Here, have some headlines:
New York Times: White House Pushes ‘Alternative Facts.’ Here Are The Real Ones.
Washington Post: How Kellyanne Conway ushered in the era of ‘alternative facts’
That’s just a handful of the stories they’ve published this weekend. If Trump’s tiny hands succeed at just one thing during his administration, it might be he wakes the media up out of its hacky slumber and forces it to DO ITS JOB. And that, lovelies, will truly make America great again. (Until Trump has a tantrum and mistakes the nuclear football for his Twitterphone, and we all die go boom.)
Anyway, feel free to make up your own alternative facts in the comments, which (#alternativefact) are allowed and always have been.