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Never Forget
Never Forget

Rightwing Bible-beater Rick Santorum, having failed twice at running for president and also briefly presided over a crappy Christian film studio (which is somehow still in business, at least as a distributor?) has a new gig to help pay the bills, since that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter doesn’t come out by itself, you know:

santorum-cnn

Reaction around the Internet was quick:

CNN is adding a whole new stable of political commentators for the Age of Trump, including Santorum, former Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm, former New York Rep Steve Israel, and a couple of new contributing journamalists, including the Washington Post’s Wesley Lowery and investigative nerd king David Fahrenthold, who may even bring along his famous Investigative Reporter notepad. Oh, yeah, and they got some guy from the National Review and some lady from the Washington Examiner, snooze.

We can hardly wait to ignore all the important insights Santorum will bring to his job as a senior political commenter; we will go as far out on a limb as to predict he will say the traditional family is the source of all political and financial stability; abortion bad; contraception bad; gays bad but loved by God as long as they act straight and stop being gay; black people good, especially the sweet ol’ Christian ones, but not so much when they’re takers or object to having Law and Order done to them arbitrarily; Messican people good when they’re Catholic but not when they’re undocumented; Iran bad; Israel good; guns good; science bad except in bomb form; and Trump a great man who will be good for America at least until his approval ratings drop low enough that other conservatives jump ship.

There you go, no need to watch CNN, unless that Don Lemon fellow starts talking about aliens and black holes eating airliners again. Enjoy something nice on Netflix or Hulu. We hear “Rick ‘n’ Morty” is pretty funny.

[The Hill / New Civil Rights Movement]

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  • MynameisBlarney

    And JUUUUST when I thought CNN couldn’t get any fucking worse.

    Are they TRYING to lose what little dignity (LOLINORITE!?!) they have left?

    • TJ Barke

      WE’VE GOT TO BE FAIR AND BALANCED LIKE FOX!!!

      • MynameisBlarney

        MOAR FAIRER AND BALANCEDER!

  • memzilla Ω

    “CNN News Analysis With Santorum” seems entirely appropriate.

    • arglebargle

      You can’t spell Analysis without Anal.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Do I have to wear a raincoat to watch TV now?

  • cmd resistor

    So is Lewandowski still there or has he joined Trump’s private security team?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Yes.

    • arglebargle

      Why not both?

  • Ezio Auditore
    • Msgr_MΩment

      How many paychecks can one person take at the same time?

      • TJ Barke

        Aot,k

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Well, at least we will have a steady supply of “Ricky getting shut down by Granholm” clips to giggle at.

  • But I thought CNN was the “Clinton News Network” dun dun duuuuuuuuun!!!
    Fwiw, as much as I stand behind CNN in their Trump feud (the singling out of them and Buzzfeed is scary to me), that’s a gaslighted news network if there ever was one.

  • Shoto

    At least CNN picked up Fahrenthold and Granholm, so we can’t say the batch of new hires was a total bust.

    And bonus: Scottie Nell Batshit-Crazy Hughes’ contract was not renewed. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4116982/Controversial-pro-Trump-pundit-Scottie-Nell-Hughes-leaves-CNN-denies-sacked.html

    The Burning Question remains, however: What happened to the always-charming Katrina Pierson?

    • TJ Barke

      Her usefulness as a token expired?

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      She has a menu. Watersports $100.00 extra.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Pierson was sent back to the crypt. Or in jail for shoplifting.

  • beingreleased

    OT: Right Wing Watch has a nice list of all the ways Obama has failed us as president:
    10 Right-Wing Predictions About Obama That Never Came True

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Still hope for #10, right?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Am I the only one who’s guns and freedoms he took away?

      • beingreleased

        I’m now required to sell penis cakes to anyone who wants one, and I’m not even a baker.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Jesus…for all their screeching about bootstraps and personal responsibility, the Recycled Wingnut System makes it literally impossible for serial Republican losers to fail.

    • shivaskeeper

      Wing nut welfare kicks in if they lose one of their sweet gigs spouting bullshit.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Guess I need to read the book: How To Be A Career National Laughingstock And STILL Get That Million Dollars A Year Cable Gig.

        • shivaskeeper

          I will summarize for you. Lose your sense of ethics and morality and grift away. Claim you are persecuted for you Christian beliefs and additional money will roll in.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            That saved some time! Thx.

    • C4TWOMAN

      It’s like welfare for lazy rich people.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance
  • Paperless Tiger

    Dumb down in a hurry with this one weird trick.

  • msanthropesmr

    Well Morty, we certainly Cronenberged this place up.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    dear lord…i saw that nutjobs tweet and literally thought these exact words, “oh, for fucks sakes.”

  • diane surette

    Knee-jerk reaction to trumps tirade at cnn reporter?

  • Oblios_Cap

    you sure don’t have to actually do any work when you’re a wingnut. Sometimes I hate myself for having a conscience and a soul.

  • proudgrampa

    Keepin’ it classy, CNN!

    Oh, fuck it. I resolve to NEVER watch ANY TV news ever again. These damn news organizations are shitstains.

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    The same network that hired Trump sycophant Corey Lewandoski as a commentator, while he was still being paid by the Trump campaign no less, and gave him a platform to act as a shill for the orange one – and yet fired Donna Brazile immediately for providing a debate question to Hillary Clinton? Colour me not surprised. Fuck CNN.

    • Lizzietish81

      I remember CNN playing in my dentists office and seeing like five pro Trump commercials.

      Not a single HIllary one.

  • Creepoman

    Actually, there one thing I like about Rick Santorum – he’s a goldmine for anagrams:
    A scrotum kin, No rat cum risk, . . .

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Today’s edition of “the Fucking News” is great and I’m only halfway through it:

    http://us9.campaign-archive2.com/?u=bc6cfeeede3f05b8504f947c9&id=4eba84fdf9

    “Senate Security and Governmental Affairs subcommittee hearing on improving small-business input on federal regulations, with the following witnesses:

    To recap: Two right-wing, big-business advocacy groups, one left-wing advocacy group, and one business owner whose company takes in more than $10 million every year will give input on how small business can give input on federal regulations (which largely don’t affect and/or exempt real small businesses)”

    “f all the executive-branch positions that require Senate confirmation, Trump has named 29. Only 661 to go. So not only is Trump taking credit for private-sector jobs he didn’t create, he can’t even fill the jobs he himself has actual control over as quickly as the wasteful, inefficient government bureaucrats who preceded him did.

    How bad is Trump’s pace, in context? The general guideline is that incoming presidents should have 100 appointees already confirmed by Inauguration Day.

    The reason for Trump’s lateness is that he didn’t do the basic legwork of vetting his nominees before nominning them. That’s right, America’s about to get a president who’s even worse at doing his homework than George W. Bush was.”

    And about that whole non-vetting thing? On Wednesday alone, three of his nominees were embroiled in three separate scandals including potential insider trading, non-payment of payroll taxes (see Your Daily Fucking Planner), and hiring of an undocumented worker. One day. Even in the scandal-heavy pre-Obama days, kids, any one of those would’ve been good for a month of Wolf Blitzing.

  • I stopped watching CNN many years ago, but I am still sickened by how hard they’ve been in for Trump.

  • Anna Rompage

    Why would CNN hire someone who has gone out of their way to demonize and call for the massive discrimination against wide swaths of our population….

    Sweet little baby jeebus, CNN is becoming the The Learning Channel of the “entertainment news” industry…

  • The new Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events Netflix show is now up. NPH as Count Olaf is pretty good, but overall I’m getting what they’re going for, but they’re not firing on all cylinders for me.

    Now, if you haven’t watched it yet, go binge Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency at least twice. 5 stars on that one!

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Really looking forward to season 2 of Dirk Gently. Weird to see Christian from “Nip/Tuck” show up in season 1. Almost didn’t recognize him!

      • Yeah, I KNOW Bart gets out of her cliffhanger, ’cause she’s Bart and that’s what she does, but *HOW* she gets out of it will be so goddamned entertaining.

    • PubOption

      I tried to watch Dirk Gently but could not get into it, Adams’ sly humor seemed to have been replaced with silliness.

      • The dialogue wasn’t entirely his style, but so much of his wit and humour was derived from a narrator, which doesn’t exist in this show (or the HHGTTG movie), so it is easy to miss the mark. I did, however, find the themes and general absurdity of the show felt a lot like the way he would have done it. I enjoyed it from start to finish, but without watching the whole thing and finally putting it together at the end you aren’t really getting the whole picture.

        I’d definitely recommend finishing it up, it’s only 8 episodes, YOU CAN DOOOO EEET!

        • C4TWOMAN

          I was going to watch, but I have a full line up as it is and the reviews are “meh”. But if it’s at least as good as a popcorn film and the actors/characters are well done, I might give it a go.

          • Dirk Gently’s has a 94% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes, 8.4/10 on IMBD. It’s definitely not for everyone, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. It is currently my favourite thing on TV (beating out my former favourite, Archer.)

          • Sophie McMillan

            We loved it in our house. Totally agree with you on the style reflecting Douglas Adams.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Well, for the sake of Adam’s posterity, I’m glad the ratings went up. The premiere was a given a solid “meh” by the Beeb or DM, or someone Very Serious and Important, and after the Hitchhiker film I didn’t feel like chancing it. Now I’ll put it on the back burner with all the other genre stuff I’ll binge watch later, starting with Game of Thrones.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      I thought “The Wide Window” was perfectly executed.

      • I am currently on episode 3. I’ll finish it up, but so far it’s like 3 – 3.5 stars. Worth watching, but I was hoping for more with that cast. (Aasif Mandvi is pretty excellent, though!)

  • Martini Ambassador

    I see that CNN has finally rectified that giant gaping hole they had in the Wingnut Moral Scolds With Weird Sexual Hang-Ups portion of their line up.

    • Opiwan

      I’m sure Santorum’s first appearance will be complaining about people with weird sexual hangups filling other people’s holes…

      HEYOOO!

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Gaping hole? Needz moar Santorum!

  • Vecchioivan

    Ok, thanks for the warning.

  • Oh, man… Santorum on my TV? I’m going to have to get some industrial disinfectant.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Has CNN reached their allotment of smug pricks yet?

    • Swampgas_Man

      I thought “Smug Asshole” was some sort of job requirement.

  • The Librarian

    Also, Archer, BoJack Horseman, and anything but watching Santorum frothing or eating.

  • we’re still here

    Ugh. CNN has gone man on dog.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      With a big mess of santorum also too. It ought to be illegal.

  • baconzgood

    Baconz doesn’t know we’re Ricky Santorum is now, or where he will be in the future. I can guaran-fucking-tee in is NOT Penn Hills Pennsylvania. That town will ride him out on a rail. Don’t believe me Google “Rick Santorum Penn Hills School District”. You’ll make up new swear words.

    • Unpresidented Ron

      NEW swear words? Dammit, I don’t remember having to do this much work after the LAST election.

  • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend

    CNN, The Credulous News Network.

  • FlemmishSpy
  • Mr. Blobfish
  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I was watching him on CNN the other day and he said “Obama’s a very vengeful man.” Someone took issue with his idiocy, and he said “sure, he’s cool and he has style, but he was a terrible president.” Uh…my jaw literally dropped at his pithy statements. Why does he have a job again?

    • Unpresidented Ron

      Because Satan always rewards his minions.

    • Serai 1

      Because people are fucking idiots and CNN is all about profits.

  • Beowoof14

    So CNN is working at making itself more unwatchable. Cool.

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    Slimy anal froth resents being associated with this guy.

    • Serai 1

      I’d make a .gif, but… ew.

  • Darkest Timeline Zach Morris

    The Bible is fake news.

  • proudgrampa

    He just looks like he’s enjoying that WAY too much…

  • goonemeritus

    His last three attempts at running for national office prove Rick has his finger on the pulse of the American electorate.

    • cats530

      and he never got a chance to shove his nose into the public trough. Such a shame.

  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    Yeah, he’s a common tater of one sort or another. Way too common these days.

    • Serai 1

      POTATOE LIBELZ!!!

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    I will say this much, it’s going to be entertaining watching turdishunal Catholic Santorum defend Trump’s fat thrice married pussburgling ass

    • therblig

      we all face the possibility of sinning, but what matters is how you ask for forgiveness.

      some bullshit like that

  • Tallmutha

    Hopefully, he’ll be commenting on his areas of expertise, which means we’ll hear from him little if ever.

    • Serai 1

      When has Santorum ever limited himself to commenting on his “areas of expertise”?

  • BadKitty904

    Who?

  • Unpresidented Ron

    And once again, the Peter Principle is a Thing.

    • cats530

      Especially, when it’s done with an ice cream cone. (sorry, couldn’t resist)

    • Serai 1

      It’s never not been a thing, dude.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    Remember when people said MSNBC was like Fox for liberals? (Even though MSNBC doesn’t make things up) It turns out that’s because everything else is turning into Faux News because facts have a well-known liberal bias and news channels would hate to be partisan.

    • Serai 1

      Nah, it’s because MONIES. Cable “news” is a whore show dedicated only to profits. Moronity hooks the morons, the morons buy the products in the ads, so they keep indulging the morons.

  • Shibusa

    CNN really knows how to scrape the bottom of the unemployed losers barrel.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Fox pays better, so they can only get the least competent deplorables. It’s called balance.

  • cats530

    Nice picture. Is he practicing on how to best fellate his donors?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    A Wolf Blitzer/Rick Santorum discussion would be so close to brain death they’d have to put up signs to warn off the organ transplant teams.

  • Panika MCD

    well, he is more likely to wear pants and not screech over David Farenthold. so that’s a plus. those Trumpettes were awful. after I saw a compilation of the point/counterpoint segments all run together it was like, “no wonder the Trumpkins think that HRC’s camp doesn’t ever talk about policy–you can’t hear a goddamn word they’re saying over these glorified air horns.”

  • AngryKatie

    On the upside, it was nice of them to announce this so quickly after I found out they’d hired Fahrenthold. I only spent 48 hours thinking CNN was going to give doing news another try.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    As much as I love Farenthold and Granholm, I can’t with CNN. Last few times I tried watching it all I saw was a bunch of people yelling at each other. The fact that half of them were yelling correct things didn’t make the show enlightening at all FFS…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ffc705cdecf0631a4413b5c87d432ff95a25416299ddae0332d0897b0f7fc98a.jpg

    • Serai 1

      The loss of any kind of civility on “news” shows is one of the main reasons I no longer watch them. Or any panel show where people are allowed to run roughshod over each other. I hate the sound of people yelling and shrieking at each other like that. It’s a complete waste of my time.

      • HazooToo

        I already have to hound after my son. I don’t need more fucking stress.

        • Serai 1

          I was living in Santa Cruz when I cut the cable cord and gave up TV in ’95. It was amazing how quickly my view of life and especially other people changed. I lost a great part of my fear and nervousness about life in general. I stopped locking my door and started smiling at people on the street. So much paranoia gets stuffed into our heads by television, constantly screaming BE AFRAID BE AFRAID BE AFRAID in our ears. Who needs it? Actual life is stressful enough without that nonsense.

  • timpundit

    I love J-Gran so much I might be able to tolerate santorum all over my teevee.

  • Thorn Spike

    Wanker, literally.

  • natoslug

    Oh good. Someone new to try to ignore on CNN the next time I’m stuck in an airport waiting room.

  • Mary Sandoras

    I stopped watching CNN about 4 months ago. The end.

  • Relativicus

    What, too many people with chins in the lineup already?

  • Scrofula

    Fahrenthold: Actually, Rick, I spent hundreds of hours looking in to that, pouring over depositions and court filings, and have reams of documents showing that Trump is a serial liar and utterly incompetent “business man”.
    Santorum: Gay marriage? Why not marry your dog, too?

    • therblig

      silly boy. my dog is a standard poodle, but he’s not gay.

  • mrpuma2u

    I thought he was just going to be in the one town hall. Now this self-righteous smug idiot is on every other day. He had been out of the limelight, so I forgot why and how much I couldn’t stand him, then he spoke for about 15 seconds and I remembered.

  • Incoming (AKA Large) Ham

    Fun caller in on NPR this morning suggested that maybe only certain approved news sources should be allowed to exist because of all the fake news.

    That was one terrifying redneck. He terrified the hosts, who brought up the twat caller earlier in the week who said Russia was a superior nation because freedom.

  • chicken thief

    CNN had to add Santorum as eye candy for the ladiez since they added Gov. Jennifer Granholm for us menz lest they be seen as Fox-like misogynists.

  • Serai 1
  • chicken thief

    Positioning himself nicely for a 2020 primary challenge to The Donald, I see….

  • Anna Rompage
  • chicken thief

    If it wasn’t for color TV, White Bobby Jindal could have gotten the job.

  • Bitter Scribe

    This guy won the Iowa caucuses or something four (eight?) years ago and he’s been riding that ever since. Sheesh.

    • Edith Prickly

      You expected him to get a real job? Come on.

  • chicken thief

    I look forward to CNN Money adding one Willard Romney to their line up to advise listeners on how to sell of stocks and bonds their parents gave them so they can pay for college and how to take a few millions inherited dollars and turn it into more millions by raping teetering businesses.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    Rick & Morty is the best!

  • 3FingerPete

    Who the fuck is in charge at CNN?

    • Querolous

      NOT,K

  • azeyote

    i don’t watch CNN – have they started selling coins or survival kits yet –

  • handyhippie65

    i don’t know if i can take anymore. i can hear the cracking, and i’m afraid i’m gonna snap.

  • phoenix00

    They do need to replace Corey Lewandowski. Guess he left quite a vacuum there.

    • Grumpy Old Man

      Er, wasn’t he the vacuum? When he quit, they had to lay off 3 people to take up the slack.

      • phoenix00

        Judging from how hard he sucked, he was indeed the vacuum.

  • Zyxomma

    Things like this make me glad I don’t have cable TV.

  • pgjack

    Are there really people who care what Santorum has to say about anything?

  • UpstateNYObserver

    What angle is CNN trying to play. Do they really want the Stupid people in their ratings? Are they going to start advertising rental properties in Oklahoma Trailer Parks (aka Tornado magnets) now? If they don’t most of those mouth breathers can hardly afford Applebee’s let alone spend real money on anything except guns, cheap beer and cigarettes. What could be in it for them to give this human puss bag any air time?

  • Old Man Yells at Cloud

    Oh my, what a frothy mix of feces and lube in that first picture.

  • On CNN yesterday, the bible-thumping hack, Rick Santorum, started on about Obama wanting to make (paraphrasing) the “Little Sisters of the Poor” provide abortions; turns out he was referring to the requirement that employers must provide “contraception” coverage in their employee health plans. So, to Santorum, and his ilk, “contraception” equates to “abortion”. Would someone please tell me what this cretin is doing on CNN when he’s, so obviously, better suited to Faux News? Or do they already have enough Neanderthals on Faux News?Regardless, I have no problem with “freedom of religion” as long as I can have “freedom from religion” and the nonsense that the “bible bashers” want to force on everybody else.

  • Paul Kulling

    For the love of god, will somebody PLEASE photo-shop that first photo.

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