OH HEY GUYS, it is us and we are right here this merry War On Christmas weekend. What, you think we wouldn’t do top ten at your face today? You are silly. But we are going to do this as quickly as possible, because, you know, Christmas. Remember to share all the stories on your Facehole, or whatever social media networks you guys are on.
BUT FIRST, before we count you out the top ten stories, we will ask you to transfer some Christmas cheer from your wallets to ours, because that’s what we do in the second paragraph. So please to throw $5, $10, or $25 at our faces? DO IT FOR SANTA! Seriously, if you are able, then pull out your wallet and throw money on our face! OW, OW, THAT IS OUR FAVORITE! Anyway, you can also pull out an envelope and stamp and send money to Wonkette, PO Box 8765, Missoula MT 59807. OR you could just do one of our “ad-fewer” subscriptions, where you only see glorious in-house ads, from our actual friends, instead of yucky-nasty ads.
Look, it’s the traditional Wonkette Baby Donation Pressure Lion Of Cuteness, who requires love offerings:
Shall we now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé, ALLEGEDLY? Yes we shall!
1. OMG SOMEBODY YELLED AT IVANKA TRUMP ON A PLANE! LET’S DISCUSS!
2. Tom Arnold needs to release Donald Trump’s whitey tape RIGHT FREAKING NOW.
3. Who is the worst? Is it Kellyanne Conway, or is it Ted Cruz? TRICK QUESTION IT’S A TIE.
4. A racist mall lady who was racist at the mall will be BANNED FOR LIFE FROM THE MALL, soon’s they figure out who she is.
5. Oh look, it is Sarah Palin, doing rap battles at the New York Times.
6. The original story about the racist white lady, being racist, at the mall!
7. Rape apologist Mike Cernovich is bad person, is trying to pizzagate somebody for making fun of him on Twitter.
8. Alt-right dingus (same one from #7!) severely triggered by mean nightclub that won’t let him have his little Trump party there.
9. The “One Million” (4) Moms are very pissed at Highlights, you know the magazine for kids.
10. And finally, Scott Baio got grabbed by his pussy.
So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories, according to Beyoncé!
Oh, hey, sign up for our newsletter RIGHT NOW. It’s for us being able to send you sexxx notes, for Christmas!
Thank you for following our orders! OK, hope you and yours have a happy War On Christmas, and you should share pictures of your celebrations or your foods, but not in the comments, because those aren’t allowed.