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Duck and cover!

Happy Festivus Friday, Wonketariat! I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and you’re ALL going to hear about it in the comments section! In the meantime, here’s some of the stories we might be talking about today!

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  • Nounverb911

    So Donnie’s pissed that someone figured out little Eric’s little scheme. He can always short stocks like his sister.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Just remember to pray to the Wizard of Booze.

    Wait. Now there’s a wizard for that? The adult version of Harry Potter just got more interesting!

    • Martini Ambassador

      Defense of the Porn Arts is a subject I never tire of.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Something something something one-handed something.

        Yeah…my brain is lagging this morning.

        • Hutch

          Grab your wand!

      • You are the master debater in your class, aren’t you?

        • Oblios_Cap

          I see what you did there.

          • Surprised you could. Aren’t you blind also too?

          • Oblios_Cap

            My computer screen uses Braille fonts.

  • Nounverb911

    Did anyone bother to tell Doofus Donnie that parts for the F-35 are made in 45 different states? That’s 90 senators he’s going to piss off.

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

      That leaves just ten more to fill his punch card. It’s only 9 am EST, he can do it before noontime.

    • and three branches of military

    • arglebargle

      But he never said what he said. So it’s all good. #drainnotdraintheswamp

    • BackDoorMan

      … why bother? They know he’s just going to ignore anything he doesn’t understand (which is, well, pretty much everything). If the explanation can’t be done in 140 characters or less, fugeddaboutit.

  • Martini Ambassador

    That sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach is America Being Made Great Again! Whoot! Each day feels like another kick in the teeth.

    My Festivus grievance about Dominic? I’m afraid I haven’t got one. He’s too friggin’ pleasant. The rest of you, though, fergetaboutit!

  • dslindc

    Boy, to think we avoided electing a President who had a private email server. We really dodged a bullet on that one! I guess a nuclear warhead in place of that bullet is fine then?

    • mardam422

      I feel greater (fear) everyday, lately.

  • Nounverb911

    Donnie’s bring back the jobs will certainly help the Japanese robot industries.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bd500170e34f35589f4caf1f6f297d264f058aef09588c64d891f0206bca6e48.jpg

    • dslindc

      Your exit interview will be conducted by HR-BOT 342. Generic wishes for the best in your future endeavors.

      • Doug Langley

        “Welcome. Avoidance of human error requires this job interview being conducted by computer commencing with last name please.”
        “What?”
        “Thank you. Last name What. Your first name, Mr What?”
        “It’s not what!”
        “Thank you. First name Not. State your previous experience Mr What.”
        “Wait, you still have my name wrong!”
        “Spelling is incorrect? Please give correct letter.”
        “I – ”
        “Thank you. Correct letter I. Change Not What to Nit Wit. Your previous experience, Mr Nit Wit?”
        “Why can’t I talk to a person?”
        “It was stated before. To avoid the human error . . . human error . . . human error . . .”

  • Nounverb911
    • arglebargle

      Fortunately, with minor editing this graphic will work for 2017, 2018, & 2019.

      • Unpresidented Ron

        I commend you for your optimism and your belief that there’ll BE a 2018.

      • Pissed de Résistance

        2021…

        • arglebargle

          Ohhhhhh… We can replace the “0” with a puckered Trump anus mouth for however long this century lasts.

  • dslindc

    When do we get to the feats of strength?

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Nounverb911

    For those of you traveling with children this week, here’s a handy graph of your progress for you.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e2b7a1713636f9a5de2287e93cd7aad2c9c16d60139e2b4d914d54885c4cbfbd.jpg

    • Courser

      Thanks for my morning chuckle. While I’ve never had kids, I do remember what it was like road-tripping with the folks was like. Trust me, it looks like that from BOTH sides only the kids hear the cycling threats, ” If I have to stop this car…”

  • Vienna Woods

    “like a shitty parent defending a spoiled brat in a parent-teacher conference.”

    Thanks, Dominic, for my daily reminder that retirement ROCKS!

    • Full Disclosure: My own mom skirted that line. She had her fair share with my brother; eventually I realized there were printed rule books and I memorized them so that I never technically broke rules. They would call my parents (who would have a copy at their desk) and ask to point out which part of the schools code of conduct I had broken, a phrase I coached her to say.

      • Vienna Woods

        I once had a particularly repellent pair of parents tell me that I had NO RIGHT to penalize their daughter for a presentation in which she and her friends made fun of another student, not in the class, thankfully, which I did not realize until close to the end because I did not know other student, and I had a migraine that day. They thought that their daughter could do whatever she wanted (people get paid to make fun of people!), and I was just taking out on her my revenge for being treated that way in high school- because when I sat the girls down to talk to them about it, I told them that had happened to me, so that they would understand that what they did hurt others.

        That was close on 20 years ago; if it happened after I got more confidence (aka: bitchy), they would have been in for a world of pain, not just from me but from admin, especially as bullying has become more of an issue.

    • Pissed de Résistance

      Indeed. I did have to sweep the patio and driveway today, however.

      • Vienna Woods

        I had to clear ice off the back deck to make the walk to the hot tub more pleasant yesterday. Before an hour’s snowshoe through the orchard with the dog. It’s rough.

  • Nounverb911

    Trump finally found someone for his administration that understands the military.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d2be13f67f780b3e61ad8fe9d76c8cace25fa730690219c707ada008ff1e4e82.gif

  • Mr. Blobfish

    ♫I’m dreaming of an alt-right Christmas♫

  • Hutch

    In other news, apparently Trump can’t find any A-listers who will agree to perform at his inauguration, so:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/31ea3591e9f11e3ad48d1bbe3dabd0accca03d1b265a202ad90987ed2eb9d18f.png

    • jodyleek

      I needed that laugh. Thank you!

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I take delight in know that this is really steaming Donnie.

    • Bill D. Burger

      I’m still hoping for Clint Eastwood, hand up Scott Baio’s ass, sitting in “that chair” while doing a “Chachi Puppet Show.”

    • Gayer Than Thou

      The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, which I think of as kind of A-ish List for this kind of event, has said they will perform, and the Twitter pushback was immediate. A significant number of Mormons were deeply critical, so it will be interesting to see if the MoTabs pull our or not.

      • Hutch

        “MoTabs.” *chortle*

      • Doug Langley

        Is that next to Motown?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Hutch

      Go Dawgs? Augh!

  • Gayer Than Thou

    You got problems with us? I’m still waiting for my cup of coffee! Why do we even have interns?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Note to Eric Trump: You and your miserable shitwreck of a family can still do something to help kids with cancer. It’s called “donate”…like, out of your own pocket. A novel concept for you, I know, but…

  • Ali | Desperately Seeking Brad

    “It would be especially bad if the Clintons did not attend, because it
    seems like they do not support the transition of power
    ,” said a top
    Clinton donor. “It would be petty, they have to suck it up. [Hillary]
    has to go as a former first lady. She will sit prominently.”

    Which is exactly why they should NOT attend, asswipe. We should NOT support this transition of power and should resist at every turn. The fact that he slandered & libeled her with vicious attacks and committed treason to collude with a foreign power to undermine her candidacy should be more than enough for them to tell him to fuck off.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Democrats should grow a spine and stop being “good losers”.

      • Ali | Desperately Seeking Brad

        Playing nice will get us killed. Literally. I’m sick of my party being fucking pussies. We all know what Trump does to pussies.

        • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

          They take advantage of our kindness.

          • Ali | Desperately Seeking Brad

            They keep stabbing us in the back and we keep turning around like they’re not going to do it this time. I’m done taking the high road and am all for (metaphorically) kicking them in the balls.

      • NastyBossetti

        I heard on the radio this morning that Putin said Democrats have to learn to lose gracefully.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Well, that settles it for me, then.

        • MynameisBlarney

          And pooty needs to learn to STFU.

          • Pissed de Résistance

            Hence the new nukes.

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

          Minor error in translation, I think he meant to say “Democracies have to learn to lose gracefully.”

          • Naytch

            It’s a cookbook!

      • Tiny kaiju

        She can send in a fruit basket and tell him she’s staying home because she’s ill with chicken pox. And then take a nice sunny vacation somewhere on the QT.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Ugh. Look, we all support The Peaceful Transition of Power, right? We’re even more in favor of The Peaceful Transition of Power Untainted by Foreign Influence and The Peaceful Transition of Power to People Who Are Not Incompetent Narcissistic Nutbags. I’m with you – the number of Democrats who should attend is the absolute minimum number necessary to make those points. I only hope Hillary’s not having a minor relapse of walking pneumonia on January 20th because I would have to clutch my pearls if she didn’t attend.

    • Tallmutha

      To support this transition of power would be a moral failing graver than any they’ve been accused of.

  • snark-lurker

    i thought Dominic wuz gonna spank us! now i haz a sad

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Trump Foundation actually gave money to charities? Who knew?

    • Nounverb911

      OPM only.

    • Unpresidented Ron

      ‘But as soon as those kids are better they better come work for me to pay it off. Damned freeloaders.’

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I wouldn’t make that natural assumption…some verification might be in order…

    • Doug Langley

      Oh, yah. Charity Hollister and Charity Johnson.

    • BackDoorMan

      … of course they do… where, you know, “charity begins and ends at home.”

  • Tallmutha

    You know what the world has really been missing? An arms race between the USA and Russia.

    • Nounverb911
      • snark-lurker

        WT………………….:?

      • NastyBossetti

        This is mesmerizing.

        • magyar of infinite power

          Mesmerizing now means creepy as fuck?

          • NastyBossetti

            Sure, it captured my attention, and I had a hard time looking away.

          • Kellynsmith

            Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !mj445d:
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !mj445d:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash445DirectGoodGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!mj445d:….,………

      • Shan

        Thanks for the nightmare fodder.

    • NastyBossetti

      I’ve been saying this for years.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      🎶 What the world … needs now … is nukes, sweet nukes. That’s the only thing that there’s just … too little of. 🎶

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Yeah, I’ve been slack on finishing that fallout shelter for the last 50 years. Maybe I’ll get back to it again after Christmas. Do you think I have that much time?

      • You got until about Jan 21 :)

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Whew!

          • puredog

            Ground’s hard, though, could be tough.

          • Querolous

            Use a bomb to loosen the dirt.

    • Pissed de Résistance

      I found gainful employment during the last one…

    • I think a lot of people are missing the point. This is not Trump vs. Putin. This is Trump AND Putin against the rest of the planet. Those weasels are about to form an Axis to dominate the world, starting with trying to bring China and Western Europe to their knees.

    • HooverVilles

      Sigh!

  • Nounverb911
    • Oblios_Cap

      It’s amazing that it’s getting really hard to tell the fake ones from the real ones.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I gave up ranting at any of them for precisely this reason.

      • Jennifer R

        Too many characters.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I tried watching KaC last night. I was yelling at the TV too much so we went out to get some enchiladas.

    • Pissed de Résistance

      If the cheese is burned just right it kinda reminds me of her.

  • Blender_415

    Oh yeah, Dominic? Well, we had a problem with *you* until you turned it back to news “breif.” We’re good now.

    • Did we have a bone to pick with the intern?
      I can’t remember.

      • Oblios_Cap

        We always pretend that we do.

      • dslindc

        I still don’t know when my coffee will be here.

    • ah shit, missed that. Whatever, I’m leaving it

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

        The “breif” is an extra bonus good time super point.

        • I like breifs. Comfy.

          • snark-lurker

            boxer here

          • I was waiting for the great Wonkette Boxers or Breifs debate. I knew 2016 still had an ounce of joy left in it!

          • snark-lurker

            once upon a time gurls were into wearing boyz briefs for outer wear

          • Whadda ya mean once upon a time?
            Boxers are VERY comfy for lounge wearing, just saying

          • snark-lurker

            i could get into a gurl in boxers…it would be eazy

          • In Trump’s America, a girl in boxers gets into YOU

          • snark-lurker

            you got me there

          • MynameisBlarney

            That and they allow the boys to breathe a bit.

            https://cdn.meme.am/images/498x/2793196.jpg

          • snark-lurker

            when in briefs, my twins always sneak out & down one side or the other & that’s just…just…something something argle bargle

          • MynameisBlarney

            lol

            Also, too; I googled “fat guys in boxer-briefs” looking for a funny pic, and apparently that’s a fetish or something, because there were tons of links.

          • MynameisBlarney

            lol

            Also, too; I googled “fat guys in boxer-briefs” looking for a funny pic, and apparently that’s a fetish or something, because there were tons of links.

          • snark-lurker

            ah i didnut know what thoze were called even, “briefs with legs” wuz my best guess. they do keep the evil twins contained at first, but after a few washes they start losing their grip

          • Toomush_Inferesistance

            Too much sharing – please go back to lurking…unless, of course, you are the ghost of Lyndon Johnson, in which case, carry on…

          • Pissed de Résistance

            Boxers are great for guys if you don’t mind playing soccer with your balls if you have to, say, run after a cab.

          • Twitch.
            Yeah, gotta….
            DDDOooo your balls hang low? Do they waggle too and fro?

          • Better than my boobs. That hurts me and is potentially dangerous to others as well

          • magyar of infinite power

            I’ll bet sitting on a nut is more painful than running with boobs.

          • snark-lurker

            i donut know how to answer that

          • NastyBossetti

            Boxer-breifs are best, in my eyeballs’ opinions.

          • snark-lurker

            Walk Don’t Run

          • magyar of infinite power

            I don’t remember them wearing briefs, but in the late 80’s all the cool girls in my HS were wearing boxers as pants. The smarter ones even remembered to sew the fly shut.

          • puredog

            Another good reason not to like smrt wimminz!

          • jodyleek

            Debate? I want pics!

          • puredog

            I’d settle for a couple of grams.

          • Oblios_Cap

            Me, too.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Boxer-breifs for me, thanks.

          • snark-lurker

            there iz boxer briefs?

          • I would breifly like to say that I hate all of you! :D

          • No you don’t. You wuv us

          • snark-lurker

            commandos for u?

          • Awww, but we all chipped in and got you a war on christmas present…..
            Sigh…guess we’ll have to return that.

          • Pissed de Résistance

            Sooo, got the permanent job, eh?

          • MynameisBlarney
          • snark-lurker

            HAY wear’d you get that pic?!

          • MynameisBlarney
          • NastyBossetti

            I think I’m in love. He’s so carefree!

      • You’re just preparing for the cheeto-dusted shitgibbon’s presidency

        • Gayer Than Thou

          This kind of attitude is unpresidented.

          • Pissed de Résistance

            Bigly.

  • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

    Jimmy Carter. Bless his heart.

    • MynameisBlarney

      INORITE!

    • snark-lurker

      my fav prez EVAH!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      He’s gonna sit in the way back, right?…

  • Mr. Blobfish

    ♫Frosty the snowman was a big, fat alt-right jerk♫

  • Oblios_Cap

    The “Zing” column in the local paper has the yahoos talking about how they are hearing “Merry Christmas” more this year than anytime in the last 8. I’m wondering which alternate universe these people have been living in.

    And how that is a measure that America is becoming great again is something I can’t comprehend.

    • Jennifer R

      If they were anywhere near me they would be hearing Fuck Christmas more than in the last 8 years.

      • BackDoorMan

        … I like to say “Mary, Kiss My Ass!” real fast… just to see if they’re paying attention. So far… none have caught on. They hear what they want to hear.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “World on brink of nuclear apocalypse. In other news, ‘merry Christmas” greetings at record levels. More at 5:30 on Trump’s astonishing success!”..

    • Courser

      Yeah,, not so much in my part of the world. I work for a very progressive org and there are almost no good holiday wishes being exchanged between us. We are all extremely depressed, us contractors know our jobs are on the line and there’s not thing one we can do about it and our bosses are pretty fucking depressed that they’re going to have to deliver unpleasant news in the New Year.

      Long story short – ain’t nobody happy here.

      • Oblios_Cap

        That most certainly sucks!

        • Courser

          It’s been a dog-awful week. We’ve gotten absolutely hammered with invoices, we get no paid holidays so we actually lose pay and boss told us not to go crazy shopping for Xmas last Friday. I think it was miserable for her, she was trying to be upbeat and cheerful so it sounded really… odd. I know it was because it was news that she *really* didn’t want to deliver and perhaps wasn’t supposed to, but felt she needed to give us a heads-up.

          I’m pretty despondent about the whole thing – this was supposed to be my shot at getting a really great job with an org I really believe in and it looks like I won’t even get to fulfill my last 6 months of my contract. So I can look forward to trying to find THE job in the New Year at 58. I’m fucking terrified.

          • Oblios_Cap

            I feel you. I think the Repugs are trying to privatize the Division I’ve worked in for the last 16 years; I’m 58, too ,and don’t like the idea of having to try to find a job that pays the same at my age.

          • Courser

            I’m so sorry. I hope you have a warm, happy holiday with your loved ones and forget all this crap for a few days. I’m off work soon for the week and I’m going to do my level best to forget all the bullshit and just enjoy holiday as much as I can over the next 3 days.

          • Oblios_Cap

            No big changes will come in the immediate future. I don’t stress about things; that’s why my blood pressure’s low and my beard is still blond-ish.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Best of Luck C – I imagine it’s super duper hard but try to buck up – ain’t over till its over and all that. Best wishes from the border.

          • Courser

            Thanks Brad, that’s what I keep telling myself. I’ve got a nice, cozy Christmas Eve planned. You have yourself a cozy holiday too :-)

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Dominic, I gotta head off to work in a few. Tell me how I fucked up so I can feel like shit about it all day. Thanks in advance!

  • MynameisBlarney

    So, that sweet ol racist harpy from the mall may be brought up on criminal charges.

    http://dailyoftheday.com/wtf-of-the-day-racist-old-woman-possibly-facing-charges/

  • MynameisBlarney

    So, that sweet ol racist harpy from the mall may be brought up on criminal charges.

    http://dailyoftheday.com/wtf-of-the-day-racist-old-woman-possibly-facing-charges/

  • NastyBossetti
    • Suttree

      She wasn’t mothering right.

      • NastyBossetti

        She should’ve taught her son not to litter, and none of this would have even happened!

  • Nounverb911

    Attention Wonkers!
    Are your kids jealous of your Tesla, well now you can get them their own!

    https://twitter.com/business/status/812301834077556736

    • MynameisBlarney

      Wait a sec.

      I have kids AND a Tesla?

      Can I give the kids back to whoever?

      • Oblios_Cap

        Use them for your down payment.

      • Yeah. And they better be good for more than fucking store credit

        • MynameisBlarney

          Damn right. And if there’s a goddamned restocking fee, there will be heck to pay.
          HECK. TO. PAY.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Kids + Hamster wheel = Tesla charging station.

        Synergy!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Judging by where the steering wheel is, it looks like a death trap, frankly.

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      Heh, I’ve never had an excuse to mention it, but there’s a family in the neighborhood who’s little girl has a big princess car that’s battery powered that she “drives” up and down the streat. It’s like a Cinderella’s coach looking thing all pink and stuff. It’s awesome.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Well, Nuclear Winter will put a stop to Global Warming, won’t it?

    Always look on the bright side of life.

    • See, libtards? There is a bright side!

      • At the crossroads, stay strong

        Just hope you’re facing away when the ‘light’ starts. You don’t want to be blinded before you become a shadow on a wall.
        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/aa81121d6d9c9c901265bcf8a514c061cecf9eb7d0ca54623f26ac410ba5b466.jpg

        • No snark, I hope to be ground fucking zero. Because anything else would be too horrible to contemplate.

          • At the crossroads, stay strong

            Do you think there’s any way to force the orange preznit-elect to watch ‘The Day After’ a couple hundred times?

          • He does like TV. We can tell him that they praise him in it?

          • Unpresidented Ron

            Given his goldfish-like attention span, it would take that many times to get him to see it all the way through.

          • At the crossroads, stay strong

            And NO TWITTER while watching! Yeah, that’s gonna really happen.

          • BackDoorMan

            …or, we can try this… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0c65e9a8640354951df2787703929f7a091c9347f2a6943a30303755d5a1c69d.jpg – even if it doesn’t work, it will be worth it.

          • Unpresidented Ron

            Horrorshow!

          • Doug Langley

            He’d probably think it was a comedy.

          • puredog

            I grew up in DC at the height of it all (Cuban missile crisis, etc.), and even as a child I took this as gospel. Of course, I did read “On the Beach” at the age of 10 or so, and just nodded my head and went “yep.”

          • magyar of infinite power

            I am at ground zero – I’m 6 blocks from a nuclear armed AF base. On purpose.

          • Pissed de Résistance

            When I sat Victor Alert I always thought “If this shit starts, it’s the end of the world. I may as well be in on it.”

          • I’m going to recommend you head for 56th and Fifth, New York. I know that’s the first target I’d be aiming at, if I was retaliating against a Trump launch.

        • Pissed de Résistance

          Instant sunrise.

          • At the crossroads, stay strong

            Global warming to the nth degree.

    • Pissed de Résistance

      “Trump’s railing against government waste is more likely to drive up government spending because the government can’t just cancel contracts with no repercussions, then strike another multi-billion dollar deal with competitor.”

      He won’t be able to buy pea shooters if he cancels the F-35 deal.

    • Rick Hill

      Considering republican past plans to deal with global warming was to send large amounts of smoke into the upper atmosphere to block sunlight, I wouldn’t joke because they may actually believe this

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      We’ll meet again….

  • Nounverb911

    Oh and they got the Berlin Christmas market guy.
    https://twitter.com/BBCBreaking/status/812300668035731457

  • Nounverb911

    Here’s a handy travel tip from the fine folks over at Formula 1!

    https://twitter.com/F1/status/812282615608639488

  • Rick Hill

    “Well, except Jimmy Carter,”

    Carter, preparing for inauguration ceremony:
    “Damn, can’t believe I have to do this. after all our hard work. Well. No matter. Jimmy’s in the house and he’s gonna take care of business!”
    *adjusts ninja assassin equipment and readies emergency constitutional “save the country” kit.

    • Nounverb911
      • MynameisBlarney

        It will probably be our own govt. that takes action.

      • magyar of infinite power

        Sweet Babby Jesus, he is soooo hot

      • puredog

        While I love this, I have a sneaking suspicion that “ma’am” is not the proper way to address Her Highness.

        • Oblios_Cap

          “Mum”?

        • LucindathePook

          I THINK it’s OK the second time you address her in a conversation; the first would be “your majesty.”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      When Obama sent him an email saying “Don’t make me do this alone.” how could Jimmy resist.

      • Rick Hill

        Heck even both Bush’s and rEagan’s ghost are in.

      • boyblue122

        someone should cover the eyes of the lincoln memorial so he doesnt have to witness this

        • NastyBossetti

          I really hope someone does this.

  • Bill Slider

    Will Vlad Putin attend the Trump Inaugural, and also that woman from Tiawan?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Putin: “Remember the good old days, when our two countries carved up the world into spheres of influence? Good times, comrade.”

    Trump: “And that Berlin Wall was a Hell of a wall. God I love a good wall.”

    • So basically, we will carve it up again, only, it will be a joint interest!
      Good times, good times

      • Doug Langley

        Refresh my memory. What happened the last time some country signed a non-aggression pact with Russia?

    • President in Exile Firefly

      “And you know who’s going to pay for it? West Berliners!”

  • boyblue122

    OT – A political scientist who ranks democracies around the world no longer ranks North Carolina as a free democracy. He says it ranks closer to authoritarian and partially free democracies like Cuba, Indonesia and Sierra-Leone.

    Gerrymandered boundaries, naked power grabs against the incoming gov and discriminatory bills like HB2 factor into his decision to rank NC like this

    http://www.newsobserver.com/opinion/op-ed/article122593759.html

    The author has worked as a political adviser for 20 or so countries around the world and some of his work has been sponsored by the UN, FWIW

    • Bill D. Burger

      Entering North Carolina: America’s Birthplace for Lung Cancer: Set your clocks back 200 years.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Holy shit.

  • Unpresidented Ron

    I’m old enough to remember the testing of air-raid sirens. To have seen B-52 contrails headed north. (The eight paired engines leave distinctive ones.)

    Thanks for bringing that back, Donnie, you insane shit.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Jimmy Carter is a 92 year old cancer survivor, and I bet he’s still in better shape than Trump, who was too scared to release his medical records.

    ETA: We could have another William Henry Harrison on our hands, for all we know.

    • puredog

      From your lips to God’s ears, with votes.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      Tippecanoe and Trump too!

    • magyar of infinite power

      Badass is still building houses at 92, no bet

  • geoffalnutt

    Funny: No matter how deep Putin and Trump build their bunkers – the Earth will be uninhabitable for hundreds of years. Even Pussy-grabber Almighty won’t live that long…nor will his spawn.

  • Nounverb911
    • …or else?
      Edit: Also, the fucking rockettes? At a presidential inauguration?? REALLY???

      • NastyBossetti

        Or else they will be out of work.

      • At the crossroads, stay strong

        Or else shame canyons groped en masse. Billy Bush will supervise.

      • magyar of infinite power

        Arbeit macht frei? eta – fuck, my German spelling is bad this early in the am.

    • Rick Hill

      The first in a line of forcing those who do not follow his will

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I’m pretty sure everyone in the entertainment industry understands by now that to be part of the entertainment for the inauguration means that you will have no other work or respect from anyone for the next four years…..STOP THIS SLUT SHAMING!….

  • Ali | Desperately Seeking Brad

    Do the Trumpkins not understand what will happen to them if there is a nuclear war? Does Trump not fucking understand that money will become pointless fairly quickly if society is fucked enough?

    • No and does not care.

    • MynameisBlarney

      The answer to both questions is Nope. They sure as fuck don’t.

    • FauxAntocles

      Dementia knows no logic – his doctor implied Donnie has dementia with this (paraphrased) statement:
      “Well, nobody said anything when Reagan had pre-senility dementia”

      • boyblue122

        thats nice he lets everyone know now

        • magyar of infinite power

          Any chance it’s the Repubes plan for his removal and elevation of Pence?

          • boyblue122

            doubt it…they havent stood up to Donnie yet. Maybe only if Donnie becomes incapacatated to the point of becoming a drooling mess and cant scream and fight back at the rest of the repugs

          • Why stand up to him?
            He is distracting the attention of the country with his outrageous stupidity and letting them do precisely what they want to do at the same time.

          • At the crossroads, stay strong

            The man is distraction personified with that damn Twitter account. Random word chains form in his ass brain and his thumbs automatically transmit them to the world. And the Trumpkins find this ‘refreshing’. Does the flavor of the Kool Aid matter?

          • BackDoorMan

            …”Does the flavor of the Kool Aid matter?” Apparently, with enough white sugar… no.

          • magyar of infinite power

            My theory is that they won’t stand up until after the inauguration. Someone like Pence is the one congress critters wanted.

          • Meccalopolis

            I think it has been the plan since the comey letter. Prolly some Russian dirt the feebs are holding back

    • Suttree

      They all think that Turnip will let them into his bunker.

      • Unpresidented Ron

        Heck, his FAMILY thinks he’ll let them into his bunker.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      This is rhetorical, right? I think I’m going to use that word a lot in the next year…the year after that, not so much…

    • Doug Langley

      No.

      This has been another episode of simple answers to simple questions.

  • puredog

    The link about Eric Trump being forced to kill cancerous children doesn’t work, but just leads right back to this page.

    • So, better than where it was going?

      • puredog

        You have a point.

    • Suttree

      Forced? I thought he just used them for target practice.

      • magyar of infinite power

        “Forced”, “gleefully”; why bother with distinctions?

        • Suttree

          When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean.
          -Humpty Trumpty

          • bookish

            KAC: Trump is a brilliant businessman! Melania is brilliant! Expanding the nuclear arsenal does not mean increasing nukes! Nukes because ISIS! HIs first concern is keeping us SAFE!

            Corrected KAC: Trump is a parasite with four profitable bankruptcies to his credit. Melania gets nekkid for money, and sometimes there are cameras. We haven’t seen any of her other work. Increase means more of the same. I got nuthin’ on the ISIS/nuke interface; you lost me. Trump thinks only of his bankbook and his next adoring audience. Trump’s first concern is his hair.

    • Rick Hill

      There is a deliberate miscommunication about the foundation the trumps set up. It actually allows children with cancer to be used as guinea pigs for a host of medical experiments, after paying the child’s family a small sum.(Made small after the new trump foundation takes it’s cut, for administrative purposes and postage) Amusingly enough, most are new drugs related to mind control and cosmetics rather than cancer cures.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “Erik’s foundation to give children cancer will have to be shut down. Now those children will be force to seek out cancer on their own. Wrong Answer!”
        — Donald Trump

  • Mary Sandoras

    “Wonketariat! I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and you’re ALL going to hear about it in the comments section!”

    Yeah baby. Discipline me!!!!

  • Crystalclear12

    OK, about Trump hiring people by looks yesterday. Stallone looks like someone who should be in charge of ART.
    Holy shit! Trump is blind!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Trump didn’t realize it, but Stallone is still using his headshots (and ab shots) from the ’70s.

    • I thought Sly told him no thanks?

      • Crystalclear12

        He did, but Trump made the offer.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Wait – this really increases the value of my black velvet Rambo paintings!…

  • Vincent Ricola

    Did these insane fuckers not watch “The Day After”?!! My anxiety levels can’t take this crazy nonsense.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f8150650da69fd44690b24506f05cd777a2848ec63b237b762ed27329c6ffe25.png

    • yyyaz

      Watched it the first time it aired. The long shot of the missiles launching froze me into one giant goosebump. Seared into my mind forever.

      • Vincent Ricola

        I was a child when it aired and I didn’t understand what was happening on the teevee. I’ll never forget my mom explaining potential nuclear war and then spending the next 3 days trying to work out in my kid brain why anyone would think that this course of destruction was even a little bit okay. All these years later and I still don’t get it.

      • Résistance Land Shark
  • Bill D. Burger
    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Oh, I remember my childhood traumas so well, hiding in the branch-covered three foot hole we dug in the backyard as school-encouraged preparation for fallout shelters…good times….

  • Latverian Diplomat

    So what’s the rule for Trump numbers? Divide by a thousand?

    “I’m a billionaire.” Barely a millionaire?
    “Erik has raised millions for children.” Thousands at best?

    • Rick Hill

      Not even that. They likely got a meet and greet with Uday and Qusay and a celebrity that was conned into doing something for the foundation

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        No, it’s legit inasmuch as it’s part of the celebrity charity, please consider me an A-lister, and invite me to your parties bullshit that is the entire family foundation scam. But the numbers seem to add up ok.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I’ve looked over Eric Trump Fdn 990s on Guidestar and they actually seem pretty legit. This could so easily have been spun as “see how ethical we are, and this is the conflict I was talking about w Hillary.” But in Trumpworld, everything that is done to for or by the Trumps is unfair because reasons.

  • As much as I’m happy that Israel exists, because the Jews need a safe haven because… ha ha… the Nazis are back… I do think we need to start holding them to the same standard of behavior as other nations… yeah… actual Nazis… they’re back…

    God damn it…

    • Rick Hill

      They’re not quite as organized or efficient as real nazis, though. More like nazi-lite. Like the nazis were made by Anheuser-Busch

      • So they make you have to pee?

        • Rick Hill

          Likely a sizable number of them that do want you to do this for them….

          • At the crossroads, stay strong

            For them or on them? If they’re consenting adults…

          • Rick Hill

            Yes

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        They’re Low-Rent Nazis, just like their Low-Rent Hitler leader.

      • Meccalopolis

        Coors

    • I understand the safe haven argument. But the Zionists have acted like typical colonial powers – American West, Belgians in the Congo, Russians in Siberia etc – right from the get-go. In fact, that’s what they argue: “we’re only doing to the Palestinians what the US did to the Sioux back in the day, so back off hypocrites”. It was wrong then, it’s wrong now.

  • Rick Hill

    So, trump tweets his most outrageous stuff to hide the real things he’s doing. what happened that he’s covering up? Oh, yeah his own families salivating at the hog trough….

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      Honestly, I don’t know that he has the subtlety for that. He’s ALWAYS tweeting shit, and he’s ALWAYS got some scandal brewing, so it just happens that they both intersect at the same time.

      • Rick Hill

        Cracked had a report, outlined exactly his timelines for things and that is what he does.

    • His entire cabinet is salivating at the trough.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    One of the drinkiest things on Rachel last night was the part where Kellyanne went directly from condoning Trump’s lies about crying journalists to defending a $150 lawsuit against the blog that, apparently slandered Melania (or was it Ivanka?) and claiming that, “just apologizing is not enough”. Rachel skewered her in so many places that, in anywhere but Bizarro World, Squirrel girl would die of dehydration on her way home…

    • At the crossroads, stay strong

      I hit the mute button or fast forward whenever KAC appears on the far-seeing thing. I simply cannot imaging being in her actual presence, having to try to communicate as a logical person and remaining sane.
      :::shudder:::

      • Rick Hill

        After a few more years of ezzplaining what trump really means, she is going to twist reality so much that there will be a tear in the fabric of reality

        • At the crossroads, stay strong

          So, a wormhole to a new dimension of post-truth?

          • Rick Hill

            You see? trump is such a genius, he’s expanding our knowledge of time and space!

          • Nasty Candy Apple

            Well, we finally know where Sam Neill went that he didn’t need eyes for in Event Horizon

    • Tiny kaiju

      I’m telling you, there is nothing left of her body and soul besides some sawdust and a box of cheap haircolor.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Turns out that handing out Nobels is expensive. In Norway’s case, giving the Peace Prize to a Chinese dissident cost us six years of economic boycott by China, accompanied by six years of grovelling by Norwegian Foreign Ministers. And just wait until Trump starts punishing us for giving it to people he doesn’t like…

    • Tiny kaiju

      Is the moral high ground any comfort? On the hand, you could start trolling him with an alternate list of nominees. Or maybe make him think it’s like American Idol so he’ll spend all of his free time texting his votes.

  • Just My Opinion

    Is it really Friday?? Praise Jesus and thank you Lord for the three day weekend.

    • Doug Langley

      Four day. You really think anyone’s working today or Monday?

      • WomanInTheResistance

        That would be me. Retail.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          That would be me. Holiday theatrical production.

        • Doug Langley

          Ugh. I remember my short foray in retail. Day after Christmas is the busiest cuz everyone is returning their gift which they just can’t stand. The stores clog with unhappy, miserable people. That will kill your Christmas spirit forever.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            Fortunately I sell cheese. And am very good at making sure that people get to taste the ones they’re curious about. We very rarely have complaints. Because yeah, it’s rough in a lot of stores.

          • Doug Langley
      • Just My Opinion

        I went for 1/2 a day, couldn’t let my team down.

  • Daisy

    Trump: Fuck you. You, among other Republican, alleged that the Clinton Foundation was running a pay for play scheme. So SHUT THE FUCK UP!

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    You’ve got problems with US?? WE’VE got problems with YOU!!

    Just kidding, Dominic, we love you and want to have all your babies.

  • HazooToo

    Then it’s a good thing the comments section doesn’t exist, DOM! In yo face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!

  • OneYieldRegular

    “So punk, we want to know why you’ve turned around the portrait of our great leader Donald J. President Trump to face the wall. HUNH?”

    “Oh, uh, that, well, you see, I just had to protect his face it because the flies were shitting on it.”

    [liberally adapted from The Good Soldier Schweick]

  • The Librarian

    Putin= Not a friend, no benefit
    Dominic= Have I offended you? :(
    Curlew= Cute
    KaC= Spin, repeat, ad nauseam.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I seem to remember that severing ties with, or closing, the Clinton Foundation, was the right answer for the Clintons. #hillaryrules

  • Garbageman

    Ya know, I’m beginning to miss the days when we had a prez who couldn’t pronounce nucuelar . . .

    • Incoming Ham

      I’m going to miss the days when we didn’t hear it very often.

  • eyelashviper

    Anybody keeping up with the War on Christmas? Any winners yet?
    HAPPY HOLIDAYS, SEASONS GREETINGS, HAPPY HANNUKAH, FESTIVUS, AND WHATEVER FSM CELEBRATES!!!

    • Marsupial99

      Io, Saturnalia!!

    • Cogswell – Bah! Humbug!

      I heard Ø’Lielly is trying to convince drumpf to use nukes.

    • The Librarian

      If the war on Christmas means buying thoughtful, fun, useful presents from nice not- bigoted, online companies that are not Wal-Mart, Hobby Lobby or other shitty outfits, then I’m doing my part.

      • eyelashviper

        You get a purple heart, and the thanks of a grateful nation.

        • The Librarian

          Best wishes to you, too, my friend.

      • HooverVilles

        Same here. When it comes to purchasing from companies like that: I. Can’t. Even!
        It probably happens sometime when I don’t realize it, but I do make a conscious effort to avoid them.

        Happy holidays everyone!
        >^o.o^<

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    You’d almost think that a group that has a country because of genocide would not violate other groups’ human rights. It’s like self-awareness and irony have no meaning.

  • Cogswell – Bah! Humbug!

    Hey, someone has to fix that pesky global climate change and the warming of the oceans.

    • Mr. Missile and Mrs. Nuclear aren’t exactly the friends I would call to fix anything, but other than that I agree

  • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

    (Reads the wonkagenda)

    Okay, now I’m terrified.

    • Sister Artemis

      The wonkagenda terrifies me everyday.

      I also give myself chills reading Nancy LeTourneau’s weekday wrap up “Quick Takes,” over at Washington Monthly’s Political Animal blog. Often a nice-time story, but usually it’s more of a wakeup call to “what those fuckers are up to now.”

      • That’s kind of the point. I don’t want you to be scared, I want to make you giggle, then get angry, and then call your Congress critter, crook, or creep. Write them a letter (as in physically mail them a letter). Run for local office. Make things better so that it’s harder for cynics (like me!) to point at the horrible things and laugh.

        • Sister Artemis

          Challenge accepted, Comrade Gwinn!!!

          Actually, I do some of this stuff already. I’m too chicken to run for office, though I hope to move to a teeny tiny town in the next year, and think maybe a seat on the city council or planning commission would suit me perfectly, perhaps leading to holding office as mayor in my twilight years.

          • You should. Now, more than ever, is when we need people who can sacrifice themselves for the greater good of humanity.

            No, I’m not drunk. I’m just drinking. To Nick Cave at a new wave bar.

  • In re: his son’s charity work…Herr Hair didn’t seem to mind making Clinton stop participating in her Foundation (which has positively affected tens of thousands of people around the world) and even tried to destroy said Foundation with malicious lies. I will not shed a single tear for Hair’s son.

    • Skaarphy

      On the upside: now he’s got more time shooting at big animals until they die.

  • “…about as ethical as dragging your ass across the carpet during Festivus dinner.”

    Goddamn it! You do something ONE TIME! and people just keep bringing it up. The dog was doing it too, you know!

  • NerdWithNoName

    I didn’t even know that possums shriek like possums, much less that Bush Stone Curlews shriek like possums.

    • bbayliss

      You have to squeeze their balls.

  • Delu

    Hark now hear the angels sing, a nuking’s born today…..

  • lovelydestruction
  • #F uckTrump.

    #BoycottDrumpfSympathizingBusinesses.

    #PassItOn.

    *******

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CNqcUAMWsAAEypR.jpg

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