Hey you know all those times we tease Donald Trump, by quoting the nasty gross bad touch things he’s said about how hot his daughter Ivanka is? Know how we have connected the dots and ascertained, by virtue of our deep wisdom, that it looks like Ivanka Trump, who is moving to Washington with her husband He Went To Jared, is actually going to be our first lady, as opposed to Melon Trump, who didn’t want to be part of this in the first place, and who is staying in New York with her son Barron at least until the end of the school year, at which point she will decide if she wants to go to Washington, and the answer will probably be “Nyet“?
Yeah well lookit:
Ivanka Trump is poised to play an active role in her father’s administration, assuming some of the duties normally assigned to the first lady.
Trump transition aides are already planning for an “Office of the First Family,” in the East Wing where the current office of the first lady is located, sources familiar with the plan told CNN.
Uh huh, and whose office is that really?
WEIRD! OK, back to CNN:
Melania Trump is still expected to play a role in the White House. However, Ivanka is expected to have a prominent slot as well. A source said she is likely to play the part of Washington hostess as well as advise her father on issues including family leave to climate change.
“No decisions have been made regarding Ivanka’s role,” Hope Hicks, Trump’s spokeswoman, told CNN.
Titles for Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner, have not been determined.
How about “first lady” for Ivanka and “Huma” for her lawfully wedded side-piece? Do those titles work? Now, CNN says He Went To Jared is ALSO going to be working in the White House, while Ivanka is over in the East Wing planning State Dinners and harvesting beets in Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden and making Nancy Reagan’s famous monkey bread and stuff, like presidents’ daughters usually do. However, JARED, according to CNN, will be in the West Wing, with his wife’s papaw, and he will have an office! Nepotism laws be damned all over the place!
CNN explains that the Trump crime family might be able to find a loophole in that anti-nepotism law (imagine that), because it “states that any appointee found to have violated the law is ‘not entitled to pay’ by the federal government.” So Trump could just be like OOPSIE DOOPS, FORGOT THAT WAS MY PERFECT ’10’ BANGIN’-ASS SEXY DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND JARED, WHO GAVE ME A “WORLD’S MOST UNDER-RATED DAD!” COFFEE MUG LAST CHRISTMAS, DON’T GIVE THEM ANY DOLLARS! In this scenario, Ivanka and Jared will have to find a way to survive on their millions for however long Dear Old Dad is president.
Jar-Vanka have been reportedly shopping for their very own house in the Georgetown neighborhood, which sounds nice, but we wonder if Ivanka gets very tired, or if Jared needs to rub one out before a meeting in the Situation Room, if there might be room for them in the family quarters on the second floor of the White House. Surely Jare-bear can snooze in Malia’s old room and Ivanka can sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom or wherever first ladies who are also first daughters like to sleep, yeah? We are just saying. And asking questions.
Hey, know who else was Just Saying and Asking Questions? It was Julia Ioffe, formerly of Politico, future-ly of The Atlantic, who tweeted this (now deleted and apologized for) on Wednesday, and got promptly fired by Politico for it:
Politico released a long, meandering, obnoxious statement about why they fired Ioffe for stating the obvious, and The Atlantic also released a statement saying Ioffe is still coming to work for them, because after all, she did delete the tweet and say she was sorry. Here is the statement from The Atlantic, a publication with far higher journalistic standards than Politico, which can get fucked:
In another tweet Wednesday afternoon, after Ioffe was mean and vulgar toward Queen Ivanka Of America, she made another obvious observation about self-censorship by the media in our new president’s favorite country:
Know who WON’T fire you for Just Asking Questions? Wonkette is who! And hopefully not The Atlantic either.
Anyway, we are very sure the Trump family will figure out their sleeping arrangements all by themselves, and it will be an Ivanka-Donald-Jared puppy pile on a luxurious waterbed in the Oval Office, unless it isn’t, in which case it will be something different.