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Hey you know all those times we tease Donald Trump, by quoting the nasty gross bad touch things he’s said about how hot his daughter Ivanka is? Know how we have connected the dots and ascertained, by virtue of our deep wisdom, that it looks like Ivanka Trump, who is moving to Washington with her husband He Went To Jared, is actually going to be our first lady, as opposed to Melon Trump, who didn’t want to be part of this in the first place, and who is staying in New York with her son Barron at least until the end of the school year, at which point she will decide if she wants to go to Washington, and the answer will probably be “Nyet“?

Yeah well lookit:

Ivanka Trump is poised to play an active role in her father’s administration, assuming some of the duties normally assigned to the first lady.

Trump transition aides are already planning for an “Office of the First Family,” in the East Wing where the current office of the first lady is located, sources familiar with the plan told CNN.

Uh huh, and whose office is that really?

mirando

WEIRD! OK, back to CNN:

Melania Trump is still expected to play a role in the White House. However, Ivanka is expected to have a prominent slot as well. A source said she is likely to play the part of Washington hostess as well as advise her father on issues including family leave to climate change.

“No decisions have been made regarding Ivanka’s role,” Hope Hicks, Trump’s spokeswoman, told CNN.

Titles for Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner, have not been determined.

How about “first lady” for Ivanka and “Huma” for her lawfully wedded side-piece? Do those titles work? Now, CNN says He Went To Jared is ALSO going to be working in the White House, while Ivanka is over in the East Wing planning State Dinners and harvesting beets in Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden and making Nancy Reagan’s famous monkey bread and stuff, like presidents’ daughters usually do. However, JARED, according to CNN, will be in the West Wing, with his wife’s papaw, and he will have an office! Nepotism laws be damned all over the place!

CNN explains that the Trump crime family might be able to find a loophole in that anti-nepotism law (imagine that), because it “states that any appointee found to have violated the law is ‘not entitled to pay’ by the federal government.” So Trump could just be like OOPSIE DOOPS, FORGOT THAT WAS MY PERFECT ’10’ BANGIN’-ASS SEXY DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND JARED, WHO GAVE ME A “WORLD’S MOST UNDER-RATED DAD!” COFFEE MUG LAST CHRISTMAS, DON’T GIVE THEM ANY DOLLARS! In this scenario, Ivanka and Jared will have to find a way to survive on their millions for however long Dear Old Dad is president.

Jar-Vanka have been reportedly shopping for their very own house in the Georgetown neighborhood, which sounds nice, but we wonder if Ivanka gets very tired, or if Jared needs to rub one out before a meeting in the Situation Room, if there might be room for them in the family quarters on the second floor of the White House. Surely Jare-bear can snooze in Malia’s old room and Ivanka can sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom or wherever first ladies who are also first daughters like to sleep, yeah? We are just saying. And asking questions.

Hey, know who else was Just Saying and Asking Questions? It was Julia Ioffe, formerly of Politico, future-ly of The Atlantic, who tweeted this (now deleted and apologized for) on Wednesday, and got promptly fired by Politico for it:

ioffe

Politico released a long, meandering, obnoxious statement about why they fired Ioffe for stating the obvious, and The Atlantic also released a statement saying Ioffe is still coming to work for them, because after all, she did delete the tweet and say she was sorry. Here is the statement from The Atlantic, a publication with far higher journalistic standards than Politico, which can get fucked:

atlantic

In another tweet Wednesday afternoon, after Ioffe was mean and vulgar toward Queen Ivanka Of America, she made another obvious observation about self-censorship by the media in our new president’s favorite country:

ioffe2

Know who WON’T fire you for Just Asking Questions? Wonkette is who! And hopefully not The Atlantic either.

Anyway, we are very sure the Trump family will figure out their sleeping arrangements all by themselves, and it will be an Ivanka-Donald-Jared puppy pile on a luxurious waterbed in the Oval Office, unless it isn’t, in which case it will be something different.

[CNN / Mediaite]

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  • MynameisBlarney

    Juuuuuuuust a bit creepy.

  • Swampay

    What about Uday and Qusay?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They’re going to busy on “conservation trips” in the shadow of Kilimanjaro.

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        As a man who often takes his gun for a walk, aka a hunter, those two wankers make my voting finger itch.

  • Treg Brown
    • jodyleek

      God. Just ick. The tackiness of the room is outdone only by the tackiness of the inhabitants. And these two never smile when in posed pics with each other. Are we supposed to take them seriously because they look glum?

      • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

        It’s the snarl of self importance.

        • jodyleek

          In every portrait, she is posed like some sort of sleazy porcelain doll or an erotic anime character. Come to think of it, those words were probably in his proposal to her.

        • jodyleek

          In every portrait, she is posed like some sort of sleazy porcelain doll or an erotic anime character. Come to think of it, those words were probably in his proposal to her.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        That’s their “sexy” look.

        • Marion in Savannah

          [barf]

  • Scooby

    If Ivanka was Donald’s First Lady wouldn’t that rip a hole in the fabric of space-time?

    • Nounverb911

      Insert slapping clip from “Chinatown” here.

      • Scooby

        That’s why I like commenting here.

  • JVisconti

    The ghost of Margaret Truman says, work on your piano chops kid, the critics will eat you alive.

  • beingreleased

    I wouldn’t recommend they move to Georgetown. There isn’t a Metro station there, which will make it more difficult for them to get to work.

    • JVisconti

      To quote Maynard G. Krebs – Work??

  • Marion in Savannah

    First Broad?

    First DILF?

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      I think she’s “First Scapegoat” for when everything finally hits the fan.

      • Marion in Savannah

        I thought that was Kellyanne’s job title.

  • jesuswasablack
    • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

      That picture is worse every time I see it. Notice her hip is pressed directly into his crotch. *Shudders*

      • willi0000000

        the fucking parrots (lit. parrots fucking) don’t help either.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Of course the creepy, sister-fingering, family values crowd loves this kind of creepy, daughter-fingering, nepotism coming from their new orange supreme leader. He really IS just like them.

  • Treg Brown

    OT:
    Texas electors face threats for defecting: ‘Vote for Trump or we rape your wife and daughters’

    http://www.rawstory.com/2016/12/texas-electors-face-threats-for-defecting-vote-for-trump-or-we-rape-your-wife-and-daughters/

    The fuck country do I live in?

    • Marion in Savannah

      You live in a country where a horrifying number of people actually went to a polling place and voted for Trump.

    • jesuswasablack
      • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

        Lotta compensating going on in that picture.

        • Tio_Doidinho

          Estimated aggregate penile length in photo: 5.5″

          • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

            I totally don’t get the women in that case. They settled for a tiny brained and tiny penised man and the gun somehow makes up for it?

      • JVisconti

        I’m rethinking my take on the 14th amendment and literacy testing at the voting booths.

        • willi0000000

          no. never.

          civics testing for candidates however…

      • arglebargle

        What? No freedom flags? Commies.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Needs more short dicked white guys.

        • Mr. Blobfish

          I think that’s quite enough of them.

      • boberiggert

        No Treason flags though. Odd, that.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      People are awful.

    • chortlingdingo

      They would probably label themselves “good Christians” too.

    • Nounverb911
      • Mr. Blobfish

        Uh, oh. Another for the enemies list. As if the wall is ever gonna be built, but it’s the principle of the thing.

    • Vincent Ricola

      A threat like that would make me so mad, I’d vote against whatever that person wanted out of pure hellfire rage. Hopefully this upstanding elector shares my attitude.

    • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

      See. That is so much nicer than asking if the President breaking the law.

    • boyblue122

      Christian Jihadists

  • Shucky Ducky

    Puppy pile libelz!!!!1!11!

  • Nounverb911

    “Daddy, daddy, would you twitter dis some company so Jared and I could short the stock? We want to buy a new house in DC to be near you.”
    –Ivanka Kushner Trump

  • Nounverb911

    “Daddy, daddy, would you twitter dis some company so Jared and I could short the stock? We want to buy a new house in DC to be near you.”
    –Ivanka Kushner Trump

    • Marion in Savannah

      I owe you a beverage…

  • boyblue122

    Ivanka will be advising on topics such as climate change?

    Considering Trump’s team is already trying to purge the government of climate scientists, shes basically just there to find ways to profit off of daddy being president.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Well, SOMEBODY’S got to stay on top of what companies to sell short…

  • baconzgood

    This is some weird fucking family dynamics yo.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Jar-Vanka was a terrible Star Wars character, really just misconceived at every level, and I think the sooner forgotten, the better.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Meesa AGREES!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I have a friend with epilepsy. Every time she has a grand mal seizure, she loses memories. One seizure, she completely lost Jar Jar Binks. Absolutely no one had suggested she replace that memory.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Silver lining…

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Anybody who writes an offensive tweet should lose their job–unless they are President. Wait. That’s too extreme. Unless they are Republican. There, much better.”
    — Politico

  • Look Closer

    Ahem…

    con·cu·bine
    a woman who lives with a man but has lower status than his wife or wives.

    • Lizzietish81

      Melania yes.

    • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

      or daughter.

  • Well, incest would probably play pretty well in his strongholds of Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia… really, pretty much the entire South.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    The fact that Melon plans to stay in NYC tells me everything about how serious any of this run for the presidency ever was, because normally your spouse has to be kind of super into it for it to work. Or it tells me everything about their marriage, which is: he never asked her, or didn’t listen to her answer when he did ask her.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Or that it was always a marriage of convenience: he conveniently climbs on top of her from time-to-time and she conveniently buys some Gucci. (Which, by the way, I have no problem with as they are both consenting adults.)

      • clubseal

        *barfs uncontrollably*

        • Rachel Book Harlot

          This reminds me of a scene in the film Boomerang with Eddie Murphy. Murphy sleeps with what he thinks is the head of his company (Eartha Kitt), who is kind of skeevy, in order to get a promotion. As he gets into bed with her, he asks if she can turn off the light. She does and it’s then pitch black. He then asks if she can make it darker. Heh.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UD_gJShgozE

      • Bmaccnm

        Don’t forget the BJs.

        • Rachel Book Harlot

          She must drink heavily before each one.

    • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

      It may also have something to do with hiding Baron from public view in that, with great compassion, truly, the kid may be a wee bit autistic.

      • willi0000000

        pull your comment, you’re punching down at an innocent.

        • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

          Well, if that is the community consensus, sure, but I am absolutely speaking from a compassionate position. I have an adult child with Aspberger’s. I have also seen the video compilation. Maybe he was just tired, or socially awkward without being on the spectrum, but, Melania’s not moving to the White House is a huge deal, as in never been done before, so it leads to speculation as to why.

          I am sorry it looked like punching to you. Absolutely not my intent.

          • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

            PS: upon further contemplation, I would like to acknowledge that saying anything about the minor child of a public figure other than, “oh, how cute” is dicey, very dicey! So maybe, even though I feel sorry as hell for that kid if for no other reason than the parents he is stuck with, maybe I shouldn’t have gone there.

          • willi0000000

            the kid is just a kid . . . i don’t think any kind of speculation about him is reasonable . . . particularly about his health (mental or physical) . . . if we should know, there will be an official notice passed around.

            and who cares about a video compilation? . . . that’s the kind of thing that never should have been made . . . it was almost certainly done to generate speculation like yours and is just another prying into the life of an innocent in an atempt to hurt his parents.

            there’s plenty of adult family members to pick on . . . and t’Rump is an yooge target hisself . . . and you don’t even have to insult their looks or mannerisms just go after their words and deeds.

            i don’t like the SOB one bit but i won’t pick on his kid to get to him.

    • BackDoorMan

      … I remember when Dumbald referred to her at one of his early rallies by asking the crowd of fans “won’t she make a beautiful first lady?” – because of course her looks are the most important thing, and won’t you please validate his trophy wife? I also remember when he told an interviewer that “Melania will be giving two or three speeches” – while the poor dear, who was sitting beside her husband at the time, seemed to be blindsided by the news. Although, to be fair, she strikes me as one to be blindsided if presented with more than one choice of an egg dish at breakfast. Yup, that’s a real marriage of like minds.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Trump has announced the creation of a new job title, First Electra, for Ivanka.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      There are people here who will get that reference, and then again there are the drumpfentrolls who can’t possibly get that, because duh, no classical education.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Well, Trump definitely is a change from business as usual. Or legal, cultured, and Constitutional.

  • exinkwretch

    She’ll be in charge of “Oh, you want to be an overnight guest? Buying a few grand worth of my cheap-ass clothes and shitty jewelry REALLY moves you up on the list!”

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I just realized that the White House probably has a gift shop somewhere, and under the best of presidents (PBUH), such a gift shop is probably kinda tacky. And now we are to have President Tacky…

  • Nounverb911
    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Hmm, gee…that’s a tough one…let’s see here…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        First three guesses don’t count!

        • BackDoorMan

          … I always thought it was “three guesses and the first two don’t count” – have I been lied to my entire life?

    • Roadstergal

      Condemning something immoral that benefits you requires integrity.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Which Donald has the YOOUGEST dearth of.

    • Such power, this “cyber” that is spoken of.

  • JVisconti

    Ivanka will become the voice of climate change. In April she will announce her summer wear line and in August do the same for her winter line.

    • Nounverb911

      This is good news for her Chinese factory.

      • Look Closer

        Ethiopian now. They make half an hour than the Chinese workers do.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          See? Black people really do like to work for minimal money.

        • JVisconti

          And to show her entrepreneurial chops, she will open a Beijing TJ Maxx to sell last years junk. Daddy smiles and takes credit for creating jobs

  • Wild Cat

    Look, you narrow-minded bigots, if bathroom laws in North Carolina upset you Libtards, why are you so worried that the neo-nazi is schtuphing his Orthodox Jewish daughter???

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Was Melania not deemed “classy” enough to be First Lady?

    • Look Closer

      Obviously not.

      • HughinEncinitas

        She doesn’t talk American right.

    • exinkwretch

      She’ll be replaced by a 19-year-old pole dancer from Riga by Jan. 20.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Here immigration status might offend some of the white suprems trolling the WH.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, she IS one of those Slavic untermenschen that were supposed to be used as slave labor under The New Order as envisioned back in the 40’s, after all.

      • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

        Why? Isn’t she the right type of immigrant?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      The high winds that constantly surround her blow her spray tan away.

    • Vincent Ricola

      She’s getting ready to fly back to Russia. No more reason to lay under orange man. Mission accomplished.

    • Yr. Gma

      I wonder if there’s trouble in paradise and Melon is on her way out.

      • Me not sure

        Check the “use by date”. He has it tattooed on the back of their necks.

    • Me not sure

      I’m now swearing a solemn oath not to post one of the readily available nude fotos of Melon until after the impeachment. It’s literally the least I can do out of respect for the position of First Lady.

    • Slavakitty

      Somebody has to keep an eye on that server in Trump Tower that chats with Alfa Bank.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    “. . . Ivanka is expected to have a prominent slot as well.”

  • Lefty Frizzell

    The Borgias. Not Jeremy Irons. The real ones.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      The Borgias actually had money and successful businesses, though.

      • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

        And were smart. Evil, still, but smart.

      • Thiazin Red

        They also had good taste in art and home decor.

  • jesuswasablack

    “Office of the First Family,”
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cw_RaDSXUAEOPX8.jpg

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump were to build some gold-plated version of the Kremlin to park his fat ass in…also, Julia Ioffe LOL.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The Electoral College needs to derail this train wreck in the making, before it hits the White House ala Silver Streak.

    • h4rr4r

      Pass whatever it is you are smoking. That has to be some strong stuff.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    In Russia, government hold media accountable!

    • Look Closer

      In America, we don’t!

    • Nounverb911

      With Polonium tweets?

  • Y’know, if I were a complete fucking moron, and I had pulled a Homer and ended up in a position of power that was WAY above my head, I would pick “advisors” that were smart and competent, not my idiot fucking daughter and my idiot fucking son in law.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      That’s the advantage of narcissism. You never doubt your own competence, despite the mountain of evidence.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Perhaps you would pick people who were already aware of your diminished mental capacity and were unlikely to say anything about it?

      • jodyleek

        This. And also too, he is probably on his best behavior when around Ivanka because he obviously loves her more than the others and more than his current wife.

        • OrG

          trump loves only trump.

        • beingreleased

          You’re confusing “love” with “lust”.

    • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

      He uses his daughter and son-in-law because he knows they will lie for him.

      • FauxAntocles

        And to him.

      • Suttree

        In front of a jury, a judge, congress, police, the FBI………

        • Foreign Agitator Ron

          For as long as any of those institutions lasts.

    • Foreign Agitator Ron

      Donnie, poster child for Dunning-Kruger that he is, doesn’t and never will believe that he IS in over his head, and sure as hell isn’t going to surround himself with people he thinks are secretly laughing at him for his stupidity. That’s why his actions to date are so horrifying – he’s set himself up to fail, dragging the country with him, and no-one he’ll ever listen to knows this either.

      • DahBoner

        End plan could be Impeachment.

        First act of President Pence?

        Pardon Donnie.

        He will STILL be running America but wink wink no legal accountability.

        People just might fall for it. It’s a trap.

  • Nounverb911
    • h4rr4r

      I am sorry, but introducing a bill that is going to go no where is not very convincing.

      I know she can’t do much more, but it seems like a waste of her time and effort.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        It’s a gesture, but only that.

        • h4rr4r

          At that point I rather it be a stronger gesture.

          Name it the lying shitweasel prevention act, at the very least.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            Special Honesty, Integrity Truth in the Widest Ever Applicable Sense in the English Language Act.

            The SHITWEASEL Act.

          • Ali | Desperately Seeking Brad

            You’re good at that.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            Thanks, I have mixed feelings about being good at it, as I generally dislike the games Republicans play with “cute” names (e.g., USA PATRIOT Act). But I suppose if I’m “doing it ironically” as the kids say, it’s OK.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Beautiful!

    • beingreleased

      Call me a pessimist, but (a) this obviously won’t pass, and (2) it won’t change the opinion of anyone about how corrupt Trump is. His supporters don’t care and Republicans don’t care.

      • snark-lurker

        wut you sed n the others below also too

      • Mavenmaven

        Notice how the right hasn’t been carrying on about the “Constitution” much these days.

        • beingreleased

          I was thinking about that. A strict constructionist would see it as quite reasonable for the electoral college voters to be unfaithful,

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Yes, they probably would. But “strict constructionism” is such a self-contradictory, disingenuous load of bullshit that I can barely type it with straight fingers.

        • Foreign Agitator Ron

          They’re hoping that if they don’t, Americans will eventually forget there is one.

    • Ali | Desperately Seeking Brad

      It’ll be interesting watching the GOP shoot that down and all the excuses they make. I have no hope of it passing, but am glad that one of my Senators is on there.

    • Moebym of the Resistance

      Dem pols are constantly being accused of being spineless. They show a little spine, and their efforts are called useless.

      I guess this party should just disband.

    • Shoto

      Senator Professor Warren: Certified Bad-Ass.

  • TheGrandWaz00
  • Mr. Blobfish

    Add Ioffe to the ever-growing Enemies List. Got that, Omarosa?

  • Me not sure

    All of the rooms at The White House are now referred to as the white rooms.

    • Foreign Agitator Ron

      For God’s sake do NOT turn on the black light!

  • Ali | Desperately Seeking Brad

    I really don’t know how I feel about the whole discussion/speculation of Drumpf’s relationship with his daughter and how inappropriate it is. On the one hand, they are fucking HORRIBLE people and if I ever met them, they would learn exactly what kind of foul language the daughter of a former Marine can throw in their faces.

    On the other hand, I can’t shake the feeling that even if their relationship isn’t physically incestuous, it’s certainly sexualized, which is another form of incest. If she’s been groomed by him and made to believe this is okay, then this is deeply disturbing.

    So, I guess, I laugh at these jokes but then feel bad about myself? Idk.

    • beingreleased

      Trump has demonstrated that he only sees women in sexualized terms, and that includes his daughters. So, yeah, it’s disturbing.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Envelopes of flesh” is how one guy termed Donald’s vision of women.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I wouldn’t ordinarily hold a parent’s creepiness against their kid, even an adult. But she’s done nothing to separate herself from him, and this de facto First Lady thing, come on.

      • exinkwretch

        She’s obviously inherited her father’s overwhelming thirst for attention.

      • Ali | Desperately Seeking Brad

        Having worked with victims of child abuse, I have to wonder if she doesn’t separate herself because she’s been groomed that well, like she doesn’t think it’s even possible to be her own person, or she just honestly believes this is what all families do.

        Regardless, I have no doubt he’s abused the shit out of his kids, psychologically if not physically. Which is fucked up.

        • Slavakitty

          Ivana once said Trump mostly left the job of raising his kids up to her, so he probably mostly tended to ignore them. I’m guessing Ivanka made it a practice to do whatever she could to get his attention (if those numerous photos of the two when she was in highly sexual poses while still a child are any indication.) I doubt he had to do much gaslighting. He simply doesn’t have the attention span to do much in the way of grooming her.
          Based on her more recent conduct, I think she’s more motivated by greed than seeking affection, especially seeing as he seems to have so little affection to give to anyone. He’s more motivated by lust than love. If she doesn’t like the way he views and treats her, she’s a big girl and can walk away whenever she wants, so I have a hard time mustering much sympathy for her at this point.

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            When I look at her, fairly quivering with greed, all I see is her trying to get Fuckface von Clownstick to see her as an independent adult, not as a sexualized child, using the only currency he recognizes, which is, of course, actual currency.

    • I’d feel bad if I were watching this while she was still a 13 year old girl, that’s for sure. She’s a grown-ass woman now, and yes, she’s partially a product of her upbringing, but she is fair game for mockery in my books. Also, this is us mocking him for wanting to fuck his daughter, not mocking her for wanting to be fucked by her dad…

      • Ali | Desperately Seeking Brad

        I’m not anti-mocking, and Drumpf absolutely needs to be attacked on every disgusting, pathetic thing he does, including being a sleaze to his own daughter. But it does and probably will continue to make me uncomfortable, especially since it’s not as easy to shake off being groomed/programmed by an abuser.

      • Thiazin Red

        However, I have zero doubts that he acted like this when she was a child. For reference, see every picture of them together.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Ibonka

    • Vincent Ricola

      I take the “I don’t want this normalized by society” approach and use extreme mocking to point out how unnatural it is for a 70-year-old man to sexualize his adult daughter to the extreme that she’s basically acting as his wife.

      In fairness though, this is my personal rationalization, so it means zero and could very easily be the worst.

      • Moebym of the Resistance

        Too late. This behavior has already been normalized, and well before the election at that. It’s more common than we think, so more people related to Trump than we expected.

    • Suttree

      I would feel bad if she weren’t such a terrible person. But she is, so I don’t. She chooses where she lays down and gets fleas with and wakes up with cheeto dust (old American saying).

  • Nounverb911

    OT
    Okay kids, off to Vancouver BC for the weekend to scout for a hidey hole… See you Sunday.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Take lots of money with you…Vancouver is EXPENSIVE.

    • Shoto

      Bring back souvenirs.

  • calliecallie

    I really cannot wrap my brain around how these people conduct themselves. Lines from old movies keep popping in and then I have to remember what movie the line was from.

    Trump: What every guy would give to be in your shoes, huh?
    Jared: You’re pretty standing close. I can’t tell if it’s your toes I’m feeling or mine.

  • Lizzietish81

    So in the novel The Manchurian Candidate we learn that Angela Landsbury’s character was also her father’s mistress.

    Still she was a better politician than Trump.

  • Noxious1

    If FLOTUS Michelle had declared 8 years ago that she didnt want to live in the WH, the reich-wingers would have absolutely freaked out.

    “It was good enough for Nancy Reagan!
    Mooshelle hates ‘Muricuh!”

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      As well as if she had sat in business meetings with Bamz. The whole thing is outrageous.

    • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

      But yet they freaked out over awesome Michelle anyway, because reasons.

    • peteywheats

      ‘member when the right wing lost their shit over Ms. Obama wearing a lovely sleeveless dress? No comment on the illegal alien escort nude modeling though.

  • Crystalclear12

    Ewww

    • Shoto

      Seconded.

  • Shoto

    “…Politico released a long, meandering, obnoxious statement about why they fired Ioffe for stating the obvious…”

    Hey Politico: You need to get over yourselves. Ioffe merely articulated what every sentient being in the known universe has been thinking. Rather than firing her, you should’ve given her a promotion and a raise. It’s no wonder that the esteemed Charles Pierce refers to your publication as “Tiger Beat on the Potomac.”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    What mistake did she make? It’s a legitimate question. Fucking normalizing, ass kissing MSM…

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      I think Politico can be sued for what she said regarding the possibility of Trump fucking his daughter. But I could be wrong. Don’t know.

      • jowgajen

        These tweets are my own opinion blah blah blah. First fucking amendment.

        • Rachel Book Harlot

          Yeah, but you know how it is. It’s like when a teacher or some other person gets fired from their company for posting something on FB or Twitter that goes viral.

      • roberteye

        He wouldn’t sue caz he’d have to be deposed under oath and, well, who knows what might be revealed. But anyway, she was just asking the question which would be worse?

      • Roadstergal

        When the person in question is on record as saying it’s something he wants to do?

        • Rachel Book Harlot

          Yeah, but he can say he was just joking. It’s one thing for him to say it in a “joking” manner (even if it is vile and nauseating), but it’s another for a journalist to make such a statement, I think.

      • Foreign Agitator Ron

        She could have said ‘It’s satire.’
        Oh, wait, only Twitler is allowed to use that excuse. My bad.

    • roberteye

      Yeah the “grab the pussy” thing is now no biggee.

  • jowgajen

    Yo, Atlantic, some media subscription dollars just maybe might be freed up for you if you manage to not be idiots. Politico, I’m looking at you ….

    • roberteye

      Politco has long sucked. She’s better off. I love her stuff.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    What a weird freaking family. Aside from that, I actually have no problem with Ivanka taking on the hosting duties normally assigned to a First Lady. I’ve always found the whole thing a little outdated anyway, though I understand why it’s still necessary. It’s her still having control of the family businesses, etc. plus getting involved in govt business that I have a problem with. She and the other Munsters sitting at the table with Trump and the techs was outrageous.

    • jowgajen

      This is going to sound terrible, and it’s not reflective of my own views but rather the views of Wingnutia as I understand them.

      Melania’s strong foreign accent, and possible language barrier, just doesn’t have good right wing optics.

      Her history as a model, including work of a blatantly sexual nature again does not help her for FLOTUS optics.

      Melania is clearly NOT comfortable in the public eye as a political figure.

      Ivanka just comes across as more traditionally FLOTUS-y.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Not to sound like some sort of pig or anything (maybe ah jes’ cain hep it), but Melatonin’s past nude modeling work makes her a MORE interesting first lady, not less. Hell, it’s maybe the only tiny, tiny silver lining in the whole cumulonimbus of shit that is the Trump presidency – that the people didn’t let their prudish inclinations about her career get in the way of voting for that asshole. Maybe America’s Puritan sex-negativity is finally thawing a little even in the idiot heartland.

        • Lara

          No, they’re down with strippers. They just can’t handle smart women who aspire to power. The US likes its women naked and displayed for its men.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Well, I was going with jowgajen’s theories of Wingnuttia’s hypothetical reasons for not wanting her there. As for your assertion… I’m sad to say I largely agree.

          • kev

            I can handle smart, ambitious women but I still like them naked and displayed. Does that make me a bad person?

          • Regret

            With a minor correction (displayed ->displaying to give the lady more agency) I fully support your position.

          • kev

            works for me.

        • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

          There is a large happy valley between the extremes of prudishness and the nasty shit Melania posed for. There is a lot of beautiful nude art in the world, but what she did was pornography (in my not humble, but rather bitchy, opinion) and sets a VERY BAD EXAMPLE for yutes, both male and female.

        • Thiazin Red

          And yet, they lost their shit when Michelle Obama wore sleeveless dresses like some kind of street walker.

          • Foreign Agitator Ron

            That had far less to do with the dress than the colour of the skin within it.

        • Roadstergal

          This is not an vindication for less prudery. Melon’s ‘work,’ insofar as it was mentioned at all when not swept under the rug, was posing nekked in obviously male-targeted porn.

          We all know that the most conservative, bible-thumping states are the ones that are most into porn. They’re fine with a woman posing naked as long as a: she’s a ’10’ by their standards, b: she’s owned by men, and c: it’s kept hidden and ‘dirty.’

      • chicken thief

        I don’t understand the problem. Melinoma has plenty of Michelle speeches to choose from.

      • DahBoner

        Possible language barrier?

        How long does she have to wait on the telephone for language #237 Slovene to come around?😙

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        This is a really great point.

    • cmd

      I did wonder how Bill was going to handle that role. Michelle was the best. I also remember people asking Lindsey Graham who would do it if he were elected since he is not married and he said maybe his sister could. Well, Ivanka or Melania, neither will be weeding that White House Garden.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Ivanka will be FPOA: “First Piece of Ass.”

  • baconzgood

    She’s my daughter
    *slap*
    She’s my first lady
    *slap”
    She’s my daughter and my first lady

    Forget it Jake it’s Trump town.

  • Cismontane

    Well, considering These People (to appropriate Sarah Kendzior’s term) already did THIS to Ioffe, she should have every right to write anything she wants about them. Monsters are coming to eat us. Who cares if they’re also committing incest…

    https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/apr/28/julia-ioffe-journalist-melania-trump-antisemitic-abuse

    • cmd

      I didn’t realize it was the same person who wrote that Melania story (which, by the way, was HARDLY critical). Yeah, she can write whatever she wants about them.

      • Cismontane

        I can’t even imagine what this must be like.. Ioffe left Russia with her family in 1990 to escape anti-semitic persecution, she returned to Russia as a journalist only to be targeted by Putin’s thugs for her coverage, then, back in the US covering the election, she was viciously attacked by redcappers, and now she gets to watch the Russia she fled take over America. So, yeah, I’m good with her tweet. Soon we’ll all be Julia.

  • roberteye

    Isn’t the official name “The Lewinsky Room”?

    • snark-lurker

      a two-fer! Sad and Funny!

    • chicken thief

      Correct! You win a cigar and a pizza!

  • snark-lurker

    didnut i hear the russion agent orange gonna stay in NY for awhile…while “the help” airs the place out & gives it a good scrubbing…the WH i mean

    • Foreign Agitator Ron

      Won’t help. It’ll still smell smarter than Donnie even THINKS he is.

  • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

    To state the obvious, Michelle Obama was treated the same way by conservatives. So both side do it.

    • snark-lurker

      just imagine how much heads of state will pay for a Vanka lapdance in the ofal orffice

      • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

        How much did they pay for it in Trump Tower?

        • snark-lurker

          what-ev, the price just went up

      • Suttree

        A quarter percentage point of Trump’s debt to that state?

      • puredog

        Is that different from the Offal Office? Either way, I like it.

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      She was fucking her father?

      • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

        No. I meant that people said rude things about Michelle.

  • boyblue122

    OT – FaceBook is starting to fact check posts.

    FB is letting people flag fake news. If a certain news piece is flagged enough it gets sent to Snope, Politifact, and ABC News among other fact checking sites.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/15/technology/facebook-fake-news.html

    • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

      Don’t get too happy. From what I understand people have been using that feature to flag articles they don’t agree with. If enough people do it the article gets buried and it people can’t post it on their walls.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Which gets to a problem with Facebook’s model: paid trolls can have accounts, and Facebook is remiss to do anything about it because that would reduce the number of accounts from eleventy billion that they use to lure advertisers.

        • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

          And that my Wonky friend is why people need to drop FB now. There should be a campaign right now to get people to shut down their accounts. Let the racists and trolls support them.

          • puredog

            Not logging on to Facebook is easy (I do that every day). Shutting down a Facebook account — I mean, nuking it, making it no longer exist anywhere — is, or at least was (last time I checked) a far more complicated endeavor.

      • boyblue123

        Wouldnt those articles actually get fact-checked and if they are indeed true, not be able to get buried

        • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

          Maybe. I don’t use FB so I’m going on what someone else said.

      • roberteye

        Another strategy of the trolls

      • Regret

        I think you misread the story: Getting flagged gets the stories sent to independent fact-checkers. Only when the fact-checkers say it is disputed will the article be less likely to pop up on people’s feeds.

        Even assuming you skimmed the story, I cannot consider your last point as anything but a flat out lie. People will get notified that a story is disputed, that only means they will have to click post one more time than usual, it does not in any way mean they can’t post it unless their mouse broke down at exactly that moment.

    • theblackdog

      Yeahhhhhh, they’re setting this up to fail:

      1. Right now, they’re only “experiments” and so they’ll likely limit the scope of what can be done and can pull it at any time and claim that it’s because their experiment is done.

      2. Giving the option to message a person when the article they posted is fake and let them know it’s fake is a terrible idea. My experience is that 10% of the time they listen, but the other 90% they get defensive and claim that the fact check site is the fake one because they’re biased, or they’ll delete it but then post 10 other articles that prove their overall point, which is usually that Hillary is the devil or BLM is destroying the country.

      3. ABC News is one of the fact checkers? Weren’t they one of the many who were running some of the fake news stories about Hillary as if they were true stories?

      4. There are enough users who share Breitbart articles that the ratio of that vs people downgrading them means they’re still going to spread.

      • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

        That wasn’t the real ABC. It was abcnews.com.co or something like that. Fake news site pretending to be real news.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That decoration on the White House door? That’s not a Christmas wreath — it’s the Trump family tree.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Jared is a cuck.

    • Cool_North

      He’s being well compensated for that.

  • Suttree

    I’m trying to remember someone who was fired for saying horrible racist shit about the Obama’s. *crickets*

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      There was that minor county official in West Virginia.

      Oh, wait. Right. Never mind.

      • SDGeoff 2.0

        Yeah. She’s baaaack.

  • Apple Scruff

    “Ivanka is expected to have a prominent slot as well. A source said she is likely to play the part of Washington hostess as well as advise her father on issues including family leave to climate change.”

    FUCK THEM and Ivanka’s phony “climate change” pet project. They spoke to Al Gore and Leo Dicaprio and STILL nominated that dickwad Scott Pruitt.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      She’s First Lady?

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Donald’s dream come true!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      And Melonious will be the Secretary of Cyberbullying. She already made it her signature issue when Ioffe wrote a fluff piece she didn’t like.

    • puredog

      You said “prominent slot,” heh heh.

      • therblig

        how fucking immature, posting that before i had a chance to.

      • Objectifer

        A polite way of saying camel toe.

      • efoveks

        needs moar “heh heh”!

  • boberiggert

    So, she’s still one of the triumvirate that is managing the Vile Yam’s not-so-blindly-trusting business empire, right?

    • cmd

      Nope, just the boys, according to his press-conference-cancelling tweet. But, Ivanka can eavesdrop on important conversations while pretending to be doing hostess-y stuff. Also, too, she can operate the secret microphone/thing to whisper the answers to Dad.

      • Roadstergal

        Oh, so it’s the husband who’s managing the business, and the wife who’s running the country. That will surely eliminate any conflicts of interest.

        • Foreign Agitator Ron

          Certainly none of THEM are conflicted about it at all.

        • cmd

          I think he still wants to give the son-in-law-husband-of-Ivanka a job, but the 2 brothers will run the business. Or not.

    • bookish

      She’s in charge of managing Yam himself.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Back when everybody was imagining ex nude model Melania being First Lady, I did not see Ivanka being First Lady coming.

    • Axomamma

      I did. The only surprising thing is that it took so long for it to become obvious. Yet the media will act surprised or pretend for four years that it’s only temporary.

  • peteywheats

    Is Jared from Subway going to be in charge of the Presidential Youth Fitness Program?

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    True story: Monica Crowley of Fox News to be Deputy NSA.

    lol

    • SDGeoff 2.0

      Miss Laryngitis.

  • proudgrampa

    So Ivanka is going to pick the shower curtains?

    • Foreign Agitator Ron

      They’ll be overpriced, flammable and made in China.

  • Up In Smoke O’hontas

    So the one good thing to come out of this national nightmare is finding a love story worse than Twilight?

    • Foreign Agitator Ron

      Team Donald.
      Team Jared.
      Team I’m-never-gonna-have-sex-ever-again.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    I’m going to be having this reaction for the next four years, aren’t I?

    https://fitandfeminist.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/lagghkr.gif?w=475

    • SDGeoff 2.0

      Sadly, yes.

    • SDGeoff 2.0

      Sadly, yes.

    • Wait till the oval office cleaning crew memos start coming out.

  • chicken thief

    All that “Trump wants to fuck his daughter” is just a false flag operation so he can fuck Jared 24/7. I read it on the interwebz.

  • chicken thief

    All that “Trump wants to fuck his daughter” is just a false flag operation so he can fuck Jared 24/7. I read it on the interwebz.

    • Crystalclear12

      Must be true then

  • Rick Hill

    Right wing actual reaction: “Well, who doesn’t want to fck her?” and “Finally, a preznit with a daughter we all want to bang.”

    Such a nice change from the old standard of Obama destroying the dignity of the office….

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Ivanka’s title is still TBD? Her position is well known on porn hub. A friend told me.

    • therblig

      Trump’s Bangable Daughter?

  • SDGeoff 2.0

    Is it just me, or is Politico a weird spot in the ether? I don’t go there often, but I leave more confused than when I arrived. And it’s not the booze.

    • JohnBull

      Try more booze. It works for me.

      • SDGeoff 2.0

        Maybe I’ll do more booze and less Politico. Win-win?

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      According to what I have read, Politico is a conservative news place pretending not to be conservative news.

      • SDGeoff 2.0

        Schizophrenic, in other words.

        • IOnlyLikeCats

          More delusional.

    • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

      It was started by Robert Albritton, a guy with close ties to the Republican right (and whose father was, moreover, Pinochet’s banker) along with a number of “insider” Beltway reporters, one of whom came from a John Birch family (just like the Koch brothers!) and several of whom had ties to some very right-wing Congressional Republicans.

      They presented themselves as a hot, lively news source, and there is occasionally really good reporting at Politico, but on the whole they’ve been a sort of industrial newsletter for the right-wing Establishment in Washington, especially big on preemptive spin and on establishing the “tone” everybody is supposed to take on hot-button issues (on the whole blase and derisive if the issues are leftish, fierce and assertive if the issues are rightish).

      They’re not as blatantly and crudely right-wing as The Hill–they aspire to gentility and journalistic respectability to a much greater degree– but they’re still pretty much just a Republican megaphone.

      • SDGeoff 2.0

        Thank you. That’s very interesting. Now I get it. Genteel gaslighting?

        • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

          Excellent phrase.

  • TundraGrifter

    Ms. Ioffe will probably find herself sitting in the back row at the first White House press briefing, staring at Jeff “The Cannon” Gannon down in front.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

      “Press briefing”? Check yesterday’s news. There won’t be any “press briefings”.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Yep. That’s what Twitter is for, according to the Bloviating Yam. Cut out the middle-man and send your lies straight to We the People.

      • TundraGrifter

        Agreed – looks like the press corps got pantsed..

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Too bad they spent the last year and a half with their lips firmly planted on Fuckface von Clownstick’s ass.

  • Ian

    “Ivanka is expected to have a prominent slot as well.” Donnie certainly thinks so.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Well, not too prominent. We don’t want any of those “Is it in yet?” moments.

  • samrockton

    Jared Kushner’s title is … ” Hey Jared bring us some coffee huh?”

    • Jukesgrrl

      Like Jerry Jones’ son-in-law cleaning Jer’s glasses.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    I really hope Melania uses this time to get a divorce and ask Marla Maples to help her raise her kid and also that Ivanka gets some serious therapy because there is no way that relationship is consensual.

  • pstockholm

    Good thing the Democratic Congresspeople got this one. What’s the plan, yelling every day about nepotism, corruption, we will sue, we will filibuster, we will not vote for any appointment, we will go all Keith Olbermann on your ass?
    That’s not the plan?
    There is no plan?
    They’re “concerned”?

    (muttering) fuckin doomed , fuckin doomed, it’s all sliding sideways, end of the republic …

    • DahBoner

      The only solution is to start a liberal propaganda channel, wait 20 years and hire better IT people or….get sent to gulags, whichever comes first.

  • Paperless Tiger

    However, Ivanka is expected to have a prominent slot as well.

    Well, there’s her title, “Prominent Slot.” This stuff writes itself.

    • therblig

      we don’t slot shame around here

      • Some of my best friends are slots!

      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        Thank slot. May I have another?

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        Oh, you beat me to it.

      • Rotisserie Teal

        Nice

    • Mickey Donovan

      Well I’m sure Ivanka will give it her best slot.

    • Axomamma

      I just discovered that we can tweet each other’s comments. Yours is priceless, so I tweeted it. Thanks!

    • bookish

      I’m sure that phrase was completely accidental…

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Secret Service might buy several robot decoys. These would be prominent slot machines.

  • McHitler

    I could give less of a damn if Ivanka is going to have a say in his administration- it’s the fact that she’ll also be running Trump’s real estate soon. No conflict of interests there, not one bit no sir.

  • janecita

    To answer Julia’s questions, duh and absolutely! Both things are beyond fucked up.

  • therblig

    Office of the First Family – where Trump will go to get OFF

    • Same place as always, wherever the hell he wants apparently.

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        Yes, her wherever.

    • Ivanka’s mouth, as usual?

  • I’m sure the Trumpcucks are slinging anti-Semitic poop at Julia. Oh no! Out-dated WWII jew memes !! It cuts deep man. No Not another jew-oven cartoon!

    What do you expect from the mind of a dumb racist miserable Trumpfucker?

    • DahBoner

      But will the cc Jared?

  • “not entitled to pay”
    Didn’t trump say he wasn’t going to take a paycheck somewhere in his campaign screetches. Someone do me a solid and look it up for this lazy bibleman.

  • efoveks

    This is the same journalist at whom the Trump monkeys flung threats over Melonhead’s jewelry business?

    If yes, this is just too precious for words…

  • efoveks

    This is the same journalist at whom the Trump monkeys flung threats over Melonhead’s jewelry business?

    If yes, this is just too precious for words…

    • BigBoppa pour la résistance

      She is indeed the same one.

  • gene108

    I want Trump and his family to loot, like they owned this country.

    I want it to be so brazen and open that it cannot be denied.

    Sure, his die hard followers won’t care, but the media can no longer say “both sides” are just a corrupt.

    Bill Clinton got mired in a bunch right-wing fever dream scandals, but nothing relating to abusing executive power, like say Watergate or Iran-Contra. But the media treats Whitewater and Watergate as being equally terrible.

    I want Trump to be so bad no false equivalence can be done.

    No stonewalling of investigations, like Bush, Jr did to obfuscate the laws his Administration broke.

    So open and flippant about self-enrichment, no one in the reality based community can deny Trump’s corruption.

    • HorseChestnut

      > I want it to be so brazen and open that it cannot be denied.

      I’m not sure this exists any more.

    • HorseChestnut

      > I want it to be so brazen and open that it cannot be denied.

      I’m not sure this exists any more.

  • Axomamma

    Of course Ivanka needs office space in the White House. She’s got businesses to run! If nepotism laws prevent her being paid, she’s got to keep those revenues flowing somehow.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      She can do Putinization without going outside!

  • Foreign Agitator Ron

    I recall various people – the National Lampoon comes to mind – making humourous remarks about inbreeding and nepotism and such in the White House during the Carter administration.
    Little did they know…

  • NoMore Moose

    A tight knit family. Something you liberals don’t know anything about. How nice of the daughter to honor her father and take over “some” of the wifely” duties, which we will not comment or speculate on. Soon media will be Twitter by Trump.

  • HorseChestnut

    We finally get a Jew in the White House, and it’s this guy.

  • Will Ivanka or Donny be the one who says, “Not tonight honey.”

  • Poly_Ester

    My guess? Daddy’s bed.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Please, for the love of all that’s unholy about Tiny Hands Double Chin, someone in the media start beating on him again about releasing his taxes!

    • azeyote

      that ship sailed

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I still think April 15, 2017 would be the perfect day for massive demonstrations all over the country demanding he release his tax returns.

  • The KGB Ate Our Votes

    Well this puts a whole new spin on the old Oval Office BJ….

    • azeyote

      cigar dipping is not just for smokers –

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Putinization continues. Just for clarity. Julia Ioffe’s family fled from Russia to avoid religious persecution there. She is a frequent and eloquent critic of the Russian regime. She is known to receive horrid anti-semitic email probably sourced in Russia. Do you want to stand against Putinization in America? Then stand up for the rights of Julia Ioffe.

    • azeyote

      and she made the best tweet this week –

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Isn’t Putinization already a felony in 43 states?

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Only if it involves non consenting barn yard animals.

  • Anna Rompage

    Seeing that we are now going to be the very bestest bosomy buddies with Russia, do you think the price of vodka will drop over here in the states?

    • DahBoner

      N’Yet

    • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

      Not the good stuff. The good stuff is made in Amsterdam.

    • zerosumgame0005

      you can get cheap gallon plastic bottles at Walmart these days…cheap booze under paid cheated workers and supporting billionaire brats all in one! a trifecta of sleeze

    • Rotisserie Teal

      Belvedere is Poland, Grey Goose is France, Tito’s is Texas…..I think we can get by.

    • Ali | Desperately Seeking Brad

      Hmm, possible upside.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    If I ran a news org, I’d look seriously at hiring anybody fired by the gang at Tiger Beat n the Potomac. I’d figure they were either a) unsalvageably bad, or b) so good the incompetent boobs they worked for felt intimidated. Easy enough to tell…

  • whitroth

    I know, maybe he’s going to get rid of Jared, and marry her off to Vlad. That is how the old nobility used to do it in Europe….

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      The impaler!

  • DahBoner

    I call this phenomena…

    Election {Creep}.
    https://media2.giphy.com/media/PSSpGSDb7yw36/200_d.gif#0
    In Da Hooooooouse!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Putin, hunh. Wendi’s not gonna like that. She’s running out of rich, corrupt fucks to fuck.

  • Begin Anew Day

    Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, Steve Bannon works for the Red Cross helping refugee children and Ivanka Donniesdotter gets therapy for an undisclosed childhood trauma. In the next parallel universe over from that Ivan Trump, Donnie’s first born son, murdered all of his siblings and got a sweet publishing deal for his book and a promise he would direct the movie.

  • Reality Kills

    Steve Bannon, Ben Carson, Linda McMahon, Nikki Hailey, Betsy Devos, Scott Pruitt, Michael Flynn, Jeff Sessions, Andrew Puzder, and (drumm intro) Rick Perry! Hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    US Government Freak Show on Jan. 20th, 2017! Stay tuned!

    • Dee Andee

      This clown jet needs to lose altitude and crash into an empty swimming pool.

      • Brad H

        Why ruin a perfectly good empty swimming pool when there’s plenty of space in, say, the Sahara desert? Although I do disapprove of pollution. And littering.

    • Spurning Beer

      American Horror Story: Cabinet of Death

  • cosmiccowgirl

    I like this part of her nonpology: “We have a president-elect who popularized ‘saying what everyone is thinking,’ but I guess my phrasing should’ve been more delicate.”

  • Goposaur

    “poised to play”
    “prominent slot”
    “duties” heh doodies

    It’s like they’re Papa Jupiter’s clan inside of some sort of circus experiment

  • SighSperling

    10 bucks says they pave Michelle’s garden.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      And put up a parking lot?

      • Rotisserie Teal

        I was thinking they’ll commence fracking on Jan 21st

    • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

      It will be Donnie’s outdoor poopoo place. You didn’t really think he bothers with toilets, did you? Those gold plated things are just for show.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      It’ll be Jimmy’s solar panels all over again.

      Seriously, though, my understanding is that Mrs. Awesome Obama did everything she could to make the garden as permanent as possible:

      “Sawdust pathways have been widened and replaced with blue stone. The garden features a large new, stone-paved seating area and a prominent archway, cemented into the lawn.

      Underneath, a large paving stone carries an inscription: ‘WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN GARDEN, established in 2009 by First Lady Michelle Obama with the hope of growing a healthier nation for our children.’”

      • HazooToo

        And the day after they move in, “Michelle Obama” will be scratched out with a screwdriver, and Melania Trump carved in.

    • cynmac will never surrender

      Actually, Michelle O has in permanent paths and all kinds of improvements.

      • SighSperling

        Just like Carter’s solar panels that Reagan gleefully, and very publicly tore off.

  • Begin Anew Day

    Julia Ioffe got fired for that miserable bit of nothing comment on twitter?

    Here at Wonkette she might have gathered a handful of up votes and a few impertinent asides.

    Has Politico noticed that we just had an election? Have they noticed that the loser of the popular vote is measuring the windows for vulgar, gilt edge drapery? Have they completely lost their minds? They should have given Julia Ioffe a bonus!

    This is one of the reasons I get my news fix at Wonkette and not at stupid Politico. At Wonkette people have been pointing out the SICK twisted incestuous Donnie/Dotter gate scandal for months!

    Fuck Politico! Fuck TeeVee! Fuck the New York Times! They all let us down and opened the door to Donnie. Fuck ’em all with a ceramic dildo!

    • Dee Andee

      Only if it has little spikes on it.

      • Begin Anew Day

        NICE!

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    The Putin bedroom.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    Thanks for the heads up. I will watch carefully for that prominent slot when she gets it.

  • Rotisserie Teal

    So, tonight I received a great tip on a bowl of Ramen in Austin, TX and I was called a Nazi by an interwebz idiot, so….not a a bad Thursday.

  • Mike Steele

    Bless your heart, Evan, it’s for sure you relished penning this classic. The First Dysfunctional Family will be a gold mine – btw, nice job, Julia – and Colbert’s already on it. Would love to see Stewart return, though it seems he is happily and lucratively retired.

    • cynmac will never surrender

      Jon Stewart is coming back, with an animated show.

      • Mike Steele

        Not exactly what I was hoping for, but will reserve judgment. Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park etc. seem to have that formula, and generally do it well. Was hoping for the old rant/guest format. Maybe Lewis Black…?

  • Beowoof14

    Hope she has her mace under her pillow if Dad is around.

    • Rotisserie Teal

      That might explain the color of his face…..

  • TheBoatDude
  • cessnadriver

    Fluffy IS a blood relative, after all. The MOB (Mail Order Bride) is just something trumpita bought with his money.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Lil’Donnie doesn’t buy. Malaria is a rental.

  • Dee Andee

    Call her Zookeeper-in-Chief. Her whole purpose in being there is to keep her insane father in line.

    • Rotisserie Teal

      And blow him? Or is that just an awful rumor? Because I read somewhere that she might have had sex with her dad. Just wondering.

      • Dee Andee

        Seriously though–someone brought this up. What if the real reason at least one of his spawn is always in the room whenever he’s meeting with someone is to make sure he doesn’t completely screw the pooch?

        ETA: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/12/5/1606096/-Instability-in-Chief

        • cynmac will never surrender

          Nah, it’s so the kids can be in on the grift. Ivanka attended the meeting with Japan to insure that her deal with the state bank funded retail deal for her fashion crap was still a go.

        • Mark Breitinger

          Call Ivanka Trump what you will, but she’s no pooch.

      • Keith Taylor

        I’ll be honest here. I reckon these innuendoes about a young lady who can’t help what her father is like are pretty unfair. In her place I’d be burning with rage. It isn’t her fault that Donald Trump is sexually creepy and had the appalling bad taste to make a remark about how hot his daughter is. (Did he ever say anything that was not in appalling bad taste? Can’t remember one thing offhand.) Doesn’t the bloody freak know how much ammo he’s giving his detractors, and how awkward he’s making things for his daughter, by these White House living arrangements? It’s starting to look as though Melania Trump IS going to be an absentee First Lady to a large degree. Probably doesn’t want all the flak. Michelle Obama had to take it, though, most of it completely insane. I haven’t a thing against Melania Trump either, as it happens. If she married Donald for his money, and that’s what it took to get access to the $$$, and she can stomach it, more power to her. She’s certainly earning it.

        • cynmac will never surrender

          He repeatedly has mentioned how much he lusts after his daughter, starting when she was 12! 12! A fucking seventh grader.

          • Keith Taylor

            Christ. Whenever I hear or read something new about Donald Trump, I have to take refuge in something comparatively wholesome and decent. Like the works of de Sade.

  • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

    i’m still trying to figure this out. How do I boil Donald Trump in diarrhea with votes? Do I need a special pot? Some sort of whisk?

    • Rotisserie Teal

      I’d go with a cauldron. Big stirring spoon made out of a hobo’s leg bone.

      • cynmac will never surrender

        Big Stirring Spoon made from Jawbone of A Ass, Samson Style.

  • mailman27

    In Russia, daughter fucks you! Wait that’s not right…

    • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

      * * * WINZ TEH WONKETTE!!! * * *

      • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

        I read there used to be some blinky thing. I would really like the blinky thing.

    • Rotisserie Teal

      So good!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    If Ioffe went to The Daily Show, she could freely tweet “Donald Trump wants to bang his daughter.”

  • doktorzoom

    Hey, kids, I had to put “niooed22” away in the Phantom Zone. He was simply destroying our liberal Democrat Nazi agenda too much.

    Also, please don’t call the trolls “Brad.” Brad was a naïf, a bit clueless perhaps, but not an idiot wingnut. Besides, he wrote back to say he liked the piece!

    • HazooToo

      Yay, he liked it!!!

    • cynmac will never surrender

      Wondering if Ole Nico will be featured as the weekly resident Shit Fer Brains this week, for all of us who “missed” his appearance.

      • doktorzoom

        for someone who typed so much, he had very, very little to say.

    • SeeTrain65

      But Brad was my car’s name! I loved Brad, until I totaled him …

      Then I got my insurance check and did my happy dance.

  • JParkerSD46

    This just gets more fucked up every day. And never in a good way.

  • Old Man Yells at Cloud

    Jared and Isvespa could get divorced so that Lil’Donnie can hire Jared without him being family any more. And Jared could continue his real estate and sandwich businesses…

  • Rok E Raccoon

    “Couple of us guys was wonderin’ if we could go family-style on her.” — Secret Service Agent, in the documentary Idiocracy

  • gaybymml96

    Julia might need a bunker from Donald’s wrath come Jan 21… So will that poor Trump Grill reviewer.

  • The Trump Crime Family sure puts the fun in dysfunctional.

  • Chuck

    I still have a problem paying for a protection crew cause Melanoma doesn’t want to live with Drumpf.

  • Mintie

    Yup, we’ve all been speculating about that.

  • Jeff

    All Julia did was accuse a woman in power of getting there by spreading her legs. What don’t you like about that?

    If the tramp Ivanka cannot prove she is a decent moral woman, that’s her problem. Now that the story is out there, it would be irresponsible for us not to talk about it.

    … hard to think when you’re sneering.

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