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Remain calm. Everything is norbal.
Remain calm. Everything is norbal.

Yr Editrix received a very important email yesterday from a gent named “Brad,” and upon reading it knew it needed immediate attention. Not from her, of course; she is a very busy person. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here! First, the Tranya email:

I do not know as I just found your site 15 minutes ago, is it supposed to be funny, mean or just what. Honestly I found some of it funny, some mean and some just different and I have enjoyed that. Sadly, I am not sure if this is a site I want to stay with, perhaps you could give me a good idea of where and what would be good in your archives to look at. I think you know there is enough worth looking at, fake or whatever, going to look around longer, thanks. Brad

Brad [Redacted]
Office Assistant

Brad, we would just like to thank you for your inquiry and let you know your eyeballs are very important to our ad revenue, but even more, that the efficient delivery of high-quality political and cultural humor product to our consumers is very important to us. We will do our best to answer your questions, and hope that you too will become a member of the Wonkette Community. We would also ask our regular readers to please stop chanting “Robble Robble, One Of Us!” while we talk to the new guy. Thanks, this should only take a moment.

Is It Supposed To Be Funny?

We’d like to think so! It’s definitely what we aim for in most stories, where we take some item in the news and then subject it to the “Wonkette Treatment,” which is to briefly relate the basics of the news item whilst simultaneously making amusing commentary about said news item. This is a popular method of Info-Tainment that you may have experienced in such news-comedy programs as “The Daily Show,” “The Colbert Report,” “Last Week Tonight,” and any CNN program featuring Don Lemon. Your chuckles per pageview may vary. And sometimes, we write about things that are not very funny at all; in these cases, we may engage in what is known as “gallows” or “dark” humor, wherein one makes jokes as a means of dealing with the complete horror of the situation. Examples might include mass shootings, police shootings of unarmed people, and cabinet appointments by Donald Trump.

Is It Supposed to be Mean?

Quite often it is! Sometimes it isn’t! We actually have some loose rules about how mean comments can be, and we try to follow those in stories. You will probably decide for yourself if you think it’s too mean or not. We are big fans of this guide to targets of satire by the irreplaceable Molly Ivins:

There are two kinds of humor. One kind that makes us chuckle about our foibles and our shared humanity — like what Garrison Keillor does. The other kind holds people up to public contempt and ridicule — that’s what I do. Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful. I only aim at the powerful. When satire is aimed at the powerless, it is not only cruel — it’s vulgar.

We’ll confess we don’t only make jokes aimed at the very powerful, though. Sometimes we just mock everyday bullies, like this one Florida Man who tried to bury his boss with a front-end loader, and was pretty awful.

Is Wonkette One Of Those ‘Fake News’ Sites I’ve Been Hearing About?

We take real news and then make fun of it. All of the news we cover at Wonkette is real, as far as we can tell. Once in a while we get fooled by a hoax ourselves or we get a detail wrong, but we’re very serious about correcting our mistakes, so we’ll run a retraction, update, or clarification. We will occasionally add fake details to a story for laffs, but we try to make those so outrageous that they’re obvious jokes, like when we refer to Mitt Romney’s needing to have his empathy chip adjusted, or when we pretend Donald Trump said something intelligible in standard English. Unlike The Onion, which we love, we do not make up stories that are completely fictitious.

Do You Indulge In ‘Inside Jokes?’

All of them, Katie.

(Did you know Sarah Palin didn’t actually say “All of them, Katie”? It’s like “Beam me up, Scotty” or Play it Again, Sam” that way.)

Is There Some Kind Of Guide To Those Inside Jokes?

We thought our intern, Dominic, was working on that. We should probably check. We think we explained a few of them here, also too. (Also too, we say “also too” a lot, which is A Inside Joke, as is saying “A” instead of “an”! Our inside jokes run DEEP, man.)

What Are Some Good Stories From Your Archives?

If you’re interested in finding stories on a specific topic, you can try our search button: click the little magnifying glass icon up in the right-hand corner of the black bar under the site name:

search-button

You can also do a Google search for a topic like this: “ topic site:wonkette.com” — for instance, Peggy Noonan site:wonkette.com

As for some of our favorite stories, we bet the comments (which are not allowed) to this piece will suggest some. Yr Doktor Zoom is fond of these three:

1. That Time Sen. Chuck Grassley Tweeted About Dead Deer

2. That time we imagined Fox News coverage of D-Day

3. The one with the Exploding Foamy Pig Poops

Evan Hurst is pretty big on these two — the first one may actually have helped lead to the shame-filled resignation of an actual Congressman:

1: Aaron Schock Spending Tax Moneys On Hot Male Personal Photographer. Totally Normal.

2: Harlot Kentucky Clerk To Be Sentenced By Pontius Pilate Thursday

Rebecca Schoenkopf, Yr Editrix, isn’t in this afternoon, so we will have to ask her to add hers later! We bet they might include her neat story about Oklahoma Democrats and possibly, for the sake of sheer notoriety, the one about her pregnancy hemorrhoids. But darned if we know. If we guessed wrong, she’ll probably fire us, like she does three times a day.

What’s the Deal With The My Little Pony Pictures?

brain-full-of-fuck

It started ironically, we swear.

What Advice Do You Have For An Office Assistant?

Read Wonkette as much as you can. Your work is probably meaningless, unless you find it deeply enriching, in which case good for you! That, or you are living a lie (choose one). The commenters here, who are not allowed, are the best, a genuine community, albeit a rather loopy one that’s prone to Catch-22 jokes and rampant political nerdery. Hang around long enough and you may learn why canned clams are an abomination.

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  • bookish
    • Nounverb911

      Is Vlad the Impala getting trump to move to Idaho?

  • exinkwretch

    Wait . . . no dick jokes explainer?

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      They are hard to explain. Sometimes the thrust of the joke goes awry.

    • Nounverb911

      Cheney or Nixon?

    • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

      I’ve been here a whole several days and I haven’t seen any dick jokes yet. Do I have to subscribe at a higher level?

      • theCryptofishist

        Yes, plus you must look in sideways places.

    • theCryptofishist

      If we have to explain, then Brad is underage and we aint touching that, for all sorts of good reasons, and he will have to get them from his older brother or the school yard where they will be funny because they will be totally wrong.

  • Jennifer R

    Welcome to the party!

  • Martini Ambassador

    Welcome to Wonkette, where the news is real, but the comments most certainly are not.

    • Jennifer R

      I miss Carl Kasell.

      • Martini Ambassador

        Me too.

      • Nounverb911

        I miss Spanky2b

        • FlownOver

          I miss the point.

  • Nounverb911

    Hi Brad, come visit with us for a spell….Some of us have been for a while, some not so much, and there seems to be a whole community that lives here over night.

    We can be crusty, but we care about things. So come join us.

    –Me

    • Me not sure

      I thought I was Me.

      • Nounverb911

        Maybe it is.

        • Me not sure

          You can’t tell I from Me around here anymore.

          • arglebargle

            We’re here because we’re not all there.

          • Me not sure

            What’s that, again?

    • Jennifer R

      speak for yourself, I bathe every day.

    • theCryptofishist

      I’ll have you know that I am crusty as a fine loaf of San Francisco sourdough. We should all be crusty.

      Come to think of it, Today We are all Crusty!

  • chiefkurtz

    Also, Brad, comments are NOT allowed.

    • Nounverb911

      Really, they aren’t. These are just figments of your imagination.

  • anwisok

    YOU MONSTER!!!!!!!

    • Nounverb911

      Canned clams?

  • arglebargle

    We tend to do our best work pantless as well. Using “but I’m at work” as an excuse is generally frowned upon. You are allowed to choose which booze to partake in, but it must be applied liberally in most all situations.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      AND BRING THE CAKES WE LIKE!

      • Nounverb911

        And the cedar cheese.

      • arglebargle

        Canned clams are right out.

        • Nounverb911

          Now, who’s the MONSTER!!!!

          • arglebargle

            !!!1! (FIFY)

    • Me not sure

      You know who else had a problem with political humor?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    So Brad… what are you wearing?

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      No, that question is for Jake from State Farm.

    • The DepravedDemmeFatale

      I hope it’s not pants.
      Pants are discouraged here.

      • theCryptofishist

        Kilts are okay. As is the skin of your enemies.

  • Nounverb911

    Oh Edtrix, did you tell Brad about the occasional get togethers?

  • Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Brad crash the Denver outdoor drinky thing in the park? Maybe I’m confusing him with Brian, they all look alike from here.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    “We thought our intern, Dominic, was working on that.”

    I hate to tell you this, but Dominic is probably sitting around in his underwear eating nacho chips while watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Don’t tell him I told you that, though. It’s a secret.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      He’s researching more “puppy and baby goat” videos…because he loves us and wants us to be happy.

  • Me not sure

    Say hello to Janet.

    • maco415

      Beat me to it, dammit!

      • Me not sure

        Next time you get to go first. Fair play.

  • JMP

    Wonkette, I’m hungry. Where can I get some of that cedar cheese, some white casuls and those cakes we like?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Brad, maybe this will help. Wonkette is like when your perverted uncle asks you to pull his finger except with words. Got it?

  • MynameisBlarney

    Dearest Wonkette,

    How is babby formed?

    Sincerely,

    Herp Derpington, Esq.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Dearest Wonkette,

    How is babby formed?

    Sincerely,

    Herp Derpington, Esq.

    • Nounverb911

      Pup tents and wine coolers?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Do they even make wine coolers anymore?

        • Jennifer R

          Sure do! BJ’s is a popular brand.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            BJ’s all around then.

          • arglebargle

            I’ll drink to that.

          • MynameisBlarney
          • Celtic_Gnome

            BJ’s do not make babbies.

          • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

            Ah, “snowbilly wine” as TBogg used to call it.

          • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

            Ummmm, if it was BJs, babby wouldn’t be an issue.

        • arglebargle

          Mikes Hard Lemonade will do in a pinch, I’m sure.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            As they say in the Shire.

            Had to get that in here somewhere.

        • It’s a super profitable industry, thanks to the Palins.

        • Suttree

          The strategic reserve is located in one of those really northern states.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Pshaw. That’s easy! They need to do way instain mother> who kill thier babbys. becuse these babby cant frigth back? it was on the news this mroing a mother in ar who had kill her three kids. they are taking the three babby back to new york too lady to rest my pary are with the father who lost his children ; i am truley sorry for your lots.

      I thought everybody knew that.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Masturbation that has gone horribly wrong.

      • Thiazin Red

        I know someone who that could apply to. The girl got pregnant by dry humping, the couple were like the bad example on an after school special.

        • MynameisBlarney

          “Dry Humping”
          They obviously did it wrong.

          *edit*
          I guess the “immaculate conception” ruse was already taken.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Here’s a pretty good film about a young lady who ends up in that situation.

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quincea%C3%B1era_(film)

    • FlownOver

      Pretty much like a doll, only bigger, softer and louder.

  • Jennifer R

    Not like having an FDIC is important right? https://twitter.com/JoyAnnReid/status/808759677454585857

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      This is good news for the mayonnaise jar and mattress industries!

      • Jennifer R

        I think that if they did totally deregulate the banks that would be when the rest of the world noped out of our cash.

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Didn’t you hear? Old man Potter will buy your shares for fifty cents on the dollar!

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

        First Bank of Folgers at the corner of Oak and Elm libelz!!!

      • notaten

        I have a huge cache of old coffee cans and canning jars, will sell cheap to the right buyer! (Cash only) Contact me at 555-123-1212. Going fast!

      • notaten

        I have a huge cache of old coffee cans and canning jars, will sell cheap to the right buyer! (Cash only) Contact me at 555-123-1212. Going fast!

    • arglebargle

      I know Newt has his head firmly planted deep in his nocular cavity, but how does he not know FDR left office when he died in 1945?

    • Time to bring back the Gold Toilet Standard.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I think Trump could do it. The first step is form a new pact with Russia. Then ramp up U-boat production and put a stop to this lend-lease program. When he can’t get any more convoys across the Atlantic, FDR will have no choice but to sue for peace!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      I think most of us figured that out already.

  • RobKanC

    Dear Brad,

    Nobody cares about your job title,

    Rob
    Rocket scientist who is also a neurosurgeon who also saves Gotham at night time

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Tony Stark, is that you?

      • RobKanC

        Not even in the same universe, if u know what I mean.

    • MynameisBlarney

      “Air
      Rocket scientist who is also a neurosurgeon who also saves Gotham at night time”

      I’m a part-time mayor and jet-setting playboy man about town thuper-thecret double-nought spy/ninja and gigolo.

      • JMP

        So you’re the TV version of Green Arrow?

        • MynameisBlarney

          Wait…what?

          I must have missed the gigolo episode!

      • RobKanC

        Gary?

        • MynameisBlarney

          DAMMIT ROB!
          You blew my cover!

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I drink beer.

      • RobKanC

        Good for u man.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Brad,

    Some of us Wonkers are fond of the more epistolary approach to writing “comments” which, as has been pointed out, aren’t allowed. We also cuss. A Lot. And we are prone to fits of hysterical laughter and/or fapping or retiring to our bunks. As a general rule, we like to play with trolls, although there is this one guy who likes to go on and on and ON about shoving a cucumber up his love channel or engorged sphincter or something tacky and unoriginal like that. We rely on Dok or Editrix’s expertise with the Banhammer of Loving Correction for idiots like that.

    Welcome aboard! We think you’ll like it here.

    Kisses,

    EQ

    • Jennifer R

      Someone of us also talk about sex.

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        While trying to get Wonkers to hook up.

        • Jennifer R

          ASK HIM OUT DAISY.

        • JMP

          Hell, some of us have hooked up with fellow Wonkers and have now been living together for four years.

        • Suttree

          Some of us actually hook up!

      • elviouslyqueer

        YES WE CAN!

      • MynameisBlarney

        Some REALLY like talking about how much they loathe and despise hot steamy man sex.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Hi Brad. Welcome to Wonkettes.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6b65ad539a54768637bb2404865295045b538108c1001e009fccf9604eb38adb.png

    And please don’t correct my grammar, I already know and stopped trying to
    better myself after the election because why bother. Hope you stick
    around!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      the one guy who regrets not wearing pants

    • Suttree

      Stop taking pictures of meeee!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    is it supposed to be funny, mean or just what.

    “You ask that like ‘funny’ and ‘mean’ are different concepts, you hockey puck.”
    — Don Rickles

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    We laugh. Mostly to keep from sobbing uncontrollably. But we do laugh!

  • Martini Ambassador

    BTW Brad, Dok is too modest to mention it, but he really is the kindest, bravest, most wonderful pony.

    (That’s my way of bringing up one of my favorite Wonkette threads ever, since we are remembering the greatest hits: http://wonkette.com/597203/epic-comment-fight-of-the-week-no-one-is-safe-on-wonkette-trigger-warning)

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Ah, Joe. Poor Joe. Poor, stupid Joe…

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      The great false flag wars

    • doktorzoom

      Wow, and to think we’re just a few days short of the one-year anniversary of that. As of yet, we have not been contacted by the Federal Trade Commission about “Joe’s” complaint. Nor have we been served for his threatened libel suit. Maybe I should look up the complaint number he sent us and see when we’re scheduled to be shut down.

  • JMP

    So Wonkette is getting these questions from Brad?

    You’ve owned your car for four years. You named it Brad. You loved Brad and then you totaled him. You two had been through everything together. Two boyfriends, three jobs, you’re like, nothing can replace Brad.

    • boyblue123

      That commercial popped into my head too when I saw the name Brad in the article

      • JMP

        That one has been coming up regularly on the TV for years now, it immediately comes to my head as well whenever I hear or see the name Brad.

        • theCryptofishist

          I thought that maybe Rocky Horror…

          • Jared James

            Dammit, Crypto-Janet!

          • handyhippie65

            mmmMMMmmm dr. frank-n-furter. even brad couldn’t resist.

    • Come here a minute

      *breaks into happy dance*

    • Suttree

      I can see why she went through 2 boyfriends and 3 jobs. If you are working with or dating that person, you can’t exactly walk away from them, or shove that cheer where the sun don’t shine.

    • calliecallie

      I prefer the “blah, blah. Blah, blah, bla, blah,” spokesperson.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Oh and Brad…. don’t use the “r” word.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Retread? Because I got a couple tires that could use that…

    • Nounverb911

      For reference see: Steuff, Jack.

    • elviouslyqueer

      The one that rhymes with “regarded.”

      • MynameisBlarney

        resharted?

        • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

          Sounds messy.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Aye.
            And a weee bit steenky too.

      • arglebargle

        regardened?

    • Me not sure

      Respectable?

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        Hey, I is respectable! At least when I remember to put my pants on!

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Rumblecunt?
        (Hoofranking, Sr.)

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    We’re pretty good at spelling, generally speaking, so when we say “morans,” we mean “morans.”
    http://15130-presscdn-0-89.pagely.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/get-a-brain-morans.jpg

    • Ezio Auditore

      The ironic thing is I had a childhood friend whose last name was, you guessed it, Moran.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        His first name wasn’t Brad, was it?

        • Ezio Auditore

          Nope.

      • Shan the Wonky Woo

        Also one of my state senators.

  • Tallmutha

    Hey, you know who else needed to learn all the Wonkette inside jokes?

    • Nounverb911

      Neilist?

    • arglebargle

      AOT,K?

    • arglebargle

      AOT,K?

    • MynameisBlarney

      Me?
      I still have no clue about why, who, what, how or when the canned clams thing began.
      Alls I knows is that it can make someone a monster.

    • baconzgood

      Blood liable!

    • theCryptofishist

      Brolly Bunny?

      • Shucky Ducky

        Oh Christ, that asshole?

        • Pinkham’s Law

          Again, even!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh, Brad? I hope you have a steady supply of eye bleach on hand. You’ll probably need it when things like this… um… pop up.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4a70bdf9960b753bdc00eda3825a1afd0072f84d0e085f2bb1e2221a57e0d08a.jpg

  • Latverian Diplomat

    There is a mean at wonkette, and all the standard deviations. It’s perfectly normal, probably.

    • Me not sure

      Say again? I just got off of the ‘mode.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Robble Robble, One Of Us!

    Robble Robble, One Of Us!

    Robble Robble, One Of Us!

    Robble Robble, One Of Us!

  • Tallmutha

    He seems nice.

  • Moebym, Resistance Pilot
    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Boy’s inhaled a lot of chemicals. Fumigated his brain.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Dale Gribble’s got nothing on that boy

        • Suttree

          He’s up there in Bill Lee’s territory. Pretty soon typewriters are going to ask him to do despicable things.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Disgraced conspiracy and money laundering Harris County inmate 178344515 says what now? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7fd9749a01102b88c7f5684c8ffb9a7788a1e4d6bf3478529599178d815cd18b.jpg

      • jesuswasablack

        5″2″ he’s a little fella!

        • Shucky Ducky

          How tall is that in drams?

  • Nounverb911
  • JVisconti

    Brad, or can I presume familiarity by calling you Bradley.
    Wonkette is actually a support group that is covered by Obamacare.
    We just send the copay monies to Rebecca Omama.

    • baconzgood

      I thought this was a support group for people that can’t keep sober for the full hour of AA meetings.

      • Shan the Wonky Woo

        Wait, you’re supposed to go to them SOBER?

        • baconzgood

          I wouldn’t know. I only attend them to get some poon.

          • Suttree

            I still haven’t made that 13th step. I got to 3 and quit.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          sober-ish

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Did you know staying sober is not one of the 12 steps? Loophole!

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            I don’t know. I keep getting the steps mixed up with the stages of grief. I think I’m stuck at bargaining right now.

  • arglebargle

    Kirby Delauter

  • theCryptofishist

    As a former Office Assistant, now secretary, I find yr. Wonkette to be a fine way to take the edge off my class issues. Or hone them, one of the two.

    • Jennifer R

      Wonkette: Home of the razor sharp votes.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Brad who?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    If you can’t afford Brad’s services, you’ll have to go with an off-Brad office assistant. Probably just as good, but do you want to take that chance?
    US Patent and Trademark Office

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    But my headline was funnier.

    • Suttree

      I saw on World O’ Crap that it was actor 212’s b-day recently. I think I have this reference proper. It was before my time for the most part.

      • Nounverb911

        He sort of retired from Wonkette when we transitioned to Disqus.

        • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

          And riding his bike when not in his bunk.

          • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

            Wait, who was his bike?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        the old days when the Wonkville headlines showed up on the main page, before Shy stuffed us down the well in the basement and ordered us to put the lotion on the skin. The order that they appeared in the list was determined by vote, one which could be rigged by repeated voting for oneself COUGH*LOOKING AT YOU, ACTOR*COUGH

        • Suttree

          Haha! Thank you for the background.

        • Suttree

          Haha! Thank you for the background.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      WONKVILLE
      Our Headlines Are Funnier®

      Sorry, we copyrighted that. You’ll be speaking with our lawyers forthwith.

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

        Am i being Trumped upon?

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          kind of an orange crush

  • Ezio Auditore

    Dear Brad,

    After a stressful day of term papers and reading chapter after chapter in my textbooks, I find Wonkette to be a very funny way to learn about the world around me and the community is wonderful at helping me unwind.

    Sincerely,

    Ezio Auditore

  • Nounverb911

    Wait! Has anyone seen Brad? I hope we didn’t scare him off already.

    • Suttree

      Or sitting on grown men’s laps while watching movies about gladiators?

  • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

    “Brad” is such a nice butch name. Do you like playing with ouija boards, Brad?

  • laineypc

    I was kinda hoping for a Brad and Janet reference, another Brad that was naive but curious..

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      DAMMIT!

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Was there an HTTP attached to Brad’s signature? Because that reads just like the spam I muck from the Wonkville pending comments stall every morning…

  • Bill Slider

    Ah, yes, the Wizard of Oz, perfect caption.

  • Kooolest G

    I wonder if brad got the same response when he sent this same letter to breitbart

    • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

      What makes you think he wasn’t already a reader there? Hengh……

  • Thiazin Red

    Do you have any tattoos Brad?

  • Beanz&Berryz

    What Dok said.. plus, also too, some of us like to make use of grammaticalistically absurd structures sometimes. But, the Official Wonk writers are quite serious about trying to get right facts, that aren’t obvious jokes. And also, we like hearing/seeing what others in our community have to say about some of these news items as we try to understand them, come to terms with them, of just fucking lose our shit about them. (Swearing is OK here.)

  • Tallmutha

    I’ve always felt that this one summed up the tenor of Wonkette nicely:

    http://wonkette.com/468398/your-wonkette-comment-of-the-day

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

      That was beeee-yooooo-tee-full,

    • Suttree

      Hahaha! Before my time, but perfect! The first comment might be Brad’s older sister.

      • Suttree

        And it’s funny going through the non-comments to see Dok there! Non-commenting like the rest of us poor schmucks. I guess I can’t complain because Wonkette gets me laid.

        • Shan the Wonky Woo

          SHUT UP

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          back to the days of Chet Kincaid…

        • Beowoof14

          Wonkette, never gets me laid, I get yelled at for wasting time here. I still hangout here because no one yells at me while I am here.

          • Suttree

            GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!11111!!!!!!

          • Beowoof14

            Thanks, but damn I get all of that I need at home.

  • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

    I sense some concern. I suspect Brad is going to become very, very concerned. Or is it just me?

    • efoveks

      Delicate genius or melting snowflake?

      Either one amuses me… Now. How to serve him up? What WAS one serve with Brad?? ;)

    • Cock Blockula

      I think we scared him with our brand of wonkluv. Brad, come back!

  • Suttree

    I hope you smoke peace cigs, Brad.

    • Vincent Ricola

      And brought enough for the rest of us.

  • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

    The important decision, Brad, is whether you will side with LIBETY in the fight against TRANNY

    • theblackdog

      Depends, are we fighting manual or automatic trannys?

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

        Yes

      • Pinkham’s Law

        SAVE THE MANUELS!! uh, wrong site. Sorry.

        • theCryptofishist

          Is that Peggy Noonington’s Manuels?

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

          I worked with a guy that would always refer to the policy manuel, and the two will always be entwined. And not in that way, ya pervos..

        • eggsacklywright

          Que?

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Never posted there, myself, but I’m sure there are others who read Jalopnik. It’s a sad, quixotic effort to save the manual transmission from extinction. The deliberate misspelling as “manuels” is an in joke over there. I had hoped to have a few people recognize it, but, alas, it was not to be.

          • eggsacklywright

            I was referring to Manuel from Fawlty Towers.

    • Jennifer R

      Naw, side with us bety can’t cook worth shit.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        I can’t cook either. Which is why I’m grateful all the mommyblog recipes include a generous helping of bourbon on the side.

        • Jennifer R

          Wait a few years, after The Troubles are over and we can all just relax. I tried to find this one old song from the 20s that was something like gimme that wine, gimme that marijuana but I failed.

  • Suse

    Do you like gladiator movies, Brad?

    • baconzgood

      Shirly, you must be joking.

  • JVisconti

    plopped down on my sofa and a loose brad stuck me in the butt. I take back my previous insults and jokes (well maybe not the jokes), Can we just be friends Bradley?

  • baconzgood

    Brad,

    Wonkette is all those things and more. It is the only site Baconzgood has come upon where you can find a person make a concise and intelligent social/political comment one post. And the very next post they will make a dick joke that will make you spit take.

    One of us one of us one of us.

    • Jennifer R

      Is spit take what they are calling it these days?

  • Jamoche

    When the comments (which don’t exist) get too depressing, kitten and other cuddly animal pix are always appreciated.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      as well as dick jokes

    • Shibusa
      • Jamoche

        Aww, that’s giving me flashbacks to Jr High and those little critters we’d clip onto our backpacks.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That is an actual koala. (I can tell by the Australian shoes.)

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Dear Brad. I think you will find that this is what we stand for here in Wonketteshire. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/527b46ae04b5aa3fdbf1f5b9af82faf593d31e4478806cd1e16a32c1679390b4.jpg

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

      I didn’t notice the trailers in the background. I am shocked, amazed, flabbergasted, and dumbfounded at that detail. I figured it was our esteemed head of DOE’s new sign at his ranch.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        You call them trailers. We call it Freedumb Villige.

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

          Oh give me a home
          where the singlewides roam,
          and the meth-heads and fundies go pray
          where seldom is heard
          an intelligible word
          and the remaining teeth are grey

          • Juan de Payaso

            So you have been to Ashe County, N.C.?

      • Clyde Barrow

        One can almost taste the meth fumes coming from the trailer on the far right.

  • Suse

    Plus we act as a support team when one of us hasz a sad.

    • Sister the Resister!

      That is one of the best things!

  • Shan the Wonky Woo

    We were actually unaware that we were a news site, since to the best of our knowledge we are in fact a pretend-liberal opinion site that opinionizes all over the news, in addition to providing vital mommyblogging, recipes, and an astonishing number of hook-ups among commenters, who are not even allowed to comment. We advised Mr. McAdams that Mr. Case’s commenting history did indeed spend a fair amount of time at rightwing sites, and then we showed him the door, too, although we regretted not being able to recommend any sites that cater to insufferable prigs. Maybe Thought Catalogue.

    Read more at http://wonkette.com/607846/deleted-comments-wonkettes-crackhead-pretense-of-liberalism-isnt-fooling-anyone#Pd8Eq1rcI0L1ltsE.99<

    • baconzgood

      You forgot to tell him we are all lizard people. Or do we have to wait for him to comment to let him know about that.

      • Shan the Wonky Woo

        I thought we saved that for the drinky things?

        • baconzgood

          They never had one in Pittsburgh. Maybe cause we are already cool enough.

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            How many of you are there in the area? There should be a drinky thing there!

          • baconzgood

            I don’t know. But Baconz will take care of any drink minium for those that don’t show up.

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            Maybe everyone should come here. I live half a block from a bar, a liquor store, and a grocery store. And there’s a fire station and a hospital less than a mile away, just in case.

          • baconzgood

            Add an adult book store and you have all the makin’s of a pretty fun Wednesday afternoon.

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            Why would there be any adult book stores any more since the internet?

          • baconzgood

            Your proposal still stands.

          • Kern

            I live in Pittsburgh. So, that’s at least two, anyway.

  • Bill Slider

    Brad, the water is fine. Come on in.

  • shastakoala

    When I was a kid there was a boy across the street named Richard. He liked to be called Brad but was really a Dick.

  • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

    Hey Brad. Some of us are oldz and know all about poopyhead. Ask a friend.

  • cosmiccowgirl
  • Crystalclear12

    I think Brad is fake or whatever.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    perhaps you could give me a good idea of where and what would be good in your archives to look at

    (cough) Deleted Commenters (cough)

  • AnnieGetYourBrad

    Dear Brad: Molly Ivins was a goddess, but once, she was wrong. And that was when she said that Garrison Keillor makes us chuckle.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hey, he did make us chuckle … actual laughs, eh, not so much.

      • AnnieGetYourBrad

        I remember enjoying an episode of Guy Noire once, when I was a kid. And then everything after that has made me want to vote Keillor right in the face.

      • therblig

        in the blig household, we call him Garrulous Cruller

  • Cock Blockula

    All these comments are why I love it here. Here’s a big sloppy, wet, throat jamming French kiss to all of you alls. Even Brad.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    I am fuming right now, ’cause Dok Zoom beat me to the canned clams reference.

    Grrr! So mad!

    • Sister the Resister!

      monstrously mad?!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    It is crucial, when competing for a coveted slot in the Sunday Deleted Commenters column, that you rise above the level established by a past commenter who has given us the memorable “opitome of a dumb ass.” This is a task at which many have failed, TBH. (Oh, and we use a lot of abbreviations here – a few of my favorites are SMH, IOKIYAR, TYVM, and SMH [the other meaning].) Hope this was helpful!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    any CNN program featuring Don Lemon

    Wait, those are attempts at humor? I thought the purpose of that show was to promote the high blood pressure meds that advertise on CNN…

    • No one ever said they were good attempts at humor. (fixed formatting)

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Wonkette–If you have to ask, you’re probably in the wrong place.

  • AnnieGetYourBrad

    You didn’t even warn Brad about how girls just want to have pun around here.

  • Juan de Payaso

    This is a popular method of Info-Tainment that you may have experienced in such news-comedy programs as “The Daily Show,” “The Colbert Report,” “Last Week Tonight,” and any CNN program featuring Don Lemon.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2f1dedd8e47868e1f4127c59540863d13663d9ef0ceeea09c9a660ea8f10bbb5.jpg

  • Msgr_Moment

    I love that prank we did where we convinced the mainstream press that Donald Trump was going to be our next President. Had me in stitches.
    Tried googling it, but I think Madame President Warren took it down because too mean.

  • Blacktop Autumn

    There are so many inside jokes here that our inside jokes have inside jokes.

    Also, I got questioned by a fresh faced new guy for posting OT stuff in the last article. :-D

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      But was it depraved, or REALLY depraved?

      • Blacktop Autumn

        SUPER depraved.

        • Jennifer R

          The best kind.

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            The kind we like.

        • Pinkham’s Law

          Pics or it didn’t happen! *waits breathlessly*

    • Sister the Resister!

      Bless his heart!

    • Sister the Resister!

      Bless his heart!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Wait . .. there’s a topic? Why wasn’t I told?

  • Nounverb911
    • MOG253

      Certainly

  • Come here a minute

    Dok, with regard to the [nonexistent] commenters, you know nothing of our work. To call us “nerds”, or a “community”, is major, Major, MaJOr, MAJOR bullshit!f!!1!!1!!!!!

  • AnnieGetYourBrad

    Brad, this is where the truly depraved hang out. I thought everyone knew that.

    • MOG253

      Why thank you! No pictures please.

  • theCryptofishist

    Our Beloved Dictator is a former Babby, now Toddler, named Donna Rose.

    • theCryptofishist

      You can throw moneyz at her.

      • Sister the Resister!

        All the moneyz!

      • OrdinaryJoe

        And as wonderful and precocious as she is, we still know better than to put the nuclear codes on the tray of her high chair.

        • efoveks

          Uh oh…. (my bad)

    • therblig

      and when the lion suit comes out…you can’t even

  • OrdinaryJoe

    It’s been a slow recovery that has taken weeks, but thanks to you all I feel like I am getting my snark back. Thanks Wonketteers. You see Brad, it really does take a village to raise a moran.

    • Shoto

      “…it really does take a village to raise a moran.”

      And vice versa also too, maybe.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      but we won’t be fooled again

    • efoveks

      Raise, or RAZE?

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        We had to destroy the Joe, in order to save the Joe!

      • OrdinaryJoe

        LOL. I shudda said “resist” a moran.

    • SecludedCompound

      Seeing them retain their stupidity helps me to retain me superior attitude.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Yes. It’s a tonic.

    • AnnieGetYourBrad

      Glad we could help you GET A BRAIN

    • Angela Bassett is a set to play you for How Stella Got Her Snark Back

  • theCryptofishist

    Our pop cultural stew includes: the Simpsons, Spinal Tap, Dr. Strangelove…

    • Also too, Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett (if you’re sucking up to Dok), Monty Python, BlackAdder. You know. The funny things

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

        I drop the occasional Stross Laundry reference, also too.

        • Thiazin Red

          I read the first Merchant Princes book recently. I liked it a lot, but it just kind of stops without an ending. I know there are sequels, but ti felt awkward.

          I loved Neptune’s Brood though.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Especially Python. Most of us seem to have every script memorized.

        I haven’t seen as strong an affinity for The Goon Show, though I expect that many of us learned of The Ying Tong Song over the years.

      • “crazy” is a term of art; “insane” is a term of law. Remember that, and you will save yourself a lot of trouble. – Hunter Thompson

        Don’t forget the other Doctor.

        • theCryptofishist

          Plus Philip K. Dick and John Scalzi, also, too.

          • Thiazin Red

            I still can’t believe my father didn’t like Old Man’s War.

    • Ezio Auditore

      Also X-Men, Batman, Superman and Doctor Who.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Mystery Science Theater might also pop up a bit, like a bad penny or impertinent boner.

      • Shan the Wonky Woo

        “impertinent boner”

        HAHAHAHAHA!

  • TheGrandWaz00

    When I saw the words hoofwanking bunglecunt I knew this place was serious.

    • Ezio Auditore

      I’m afraid to ask but somehow I think that term is related to My Little Pony.

      • BigHorn

        I think it’s what one calls a flock of them galloping along. “I was driving across South Dakota and saw a giant bunglecunt of My Little Ponies out on the prairie.” Or “I was driving across South Dakota and was stuck for half an hour whilst a hoofwanking bunglecunt of My Little Ponies crossed the road and jumped the fences.”

    • efoveks

      Anna Rampage tribute!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!1111111

  • Sheepshagger

    Brad Majors Hey, Janet

    Janet Weiss Yes, Brad?

    Brad Majors I’ve got something to say

    Janet Weiss Uh huh?

    Brad Majors I really love the…skillful way
    You beat the other girls
    To the bride’s bouquet.

    • Rick Hill

      WITH WHIPS AND CHAINS!

    • Rick Hill

      Also, last I had heard, Tim Curry was suffering from alzheimer’s

      • Shan the Wonky Woo

        Dammit! Really?

        • Shan the Wonky Woo

          That “dammit” was an accident, not a movie reference. I haven’t seen it.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            lolwut?

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Suuuuuuuure. We believe you.

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            It’s true!

          • Like wove. Twue wuv?

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            I couldn’t say!

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Do not try to watch it on cable or netflix. First time, you have to get loaded and go to a midnight showing with lots of people who have seen it before many times

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            I have friends who could take me but they don’t live nearby, so…

          • Rick Hill

            So you have to time warp back to ’79?

          • Thiazin Red

            I don’t like that the talk back portions have a script.

          • Rick Hill

            It’s also not a genuine experience if the screen isn’t pockmarked by rolls of toilet paper that have been hurled there with upon it

          • Me not sure

            Dammit Shanet!

      • Jennifer R

        I thought he had a stroke last year?

        • Rick Hill

          Saw that he had a stroke in ’12. Not sure where but I could swear that I read he had alzheimers.

          • theCryptofishist

            WAit, you’ve forgotten where you read he has Alzheimers?

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            heh…

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            heh…

  • Ezio Auditore

    OT: Seeing as how it’s Christmastime, I looked up the lyrics to the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”. Am I the only one who finds the lyrics kinda creepy?

    • Suse

      I love that song.

      • efoveks

        Is it stupid to love that commercial with Lady Gaga & Tony Bennett? If so, I stoopid.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Not nearly as creepy as a grown man in an elf costume listening to you sing it in the shower!

      (looking at you Will Ferrell)

      • theCryptofishist

        Grown elf in a man costume is okay.

        (We are ecumenical here.)

        • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

          What if it’s more of a skinsuit? Nevermind, I was just joking! HAHA nobody has skinned any elves, well look at the time!

          • theCryptofishist

            There’s always the frog man in the wet suit.

      • Rick Hill

        Theoretically speaking?

      • mancityRed6

        *sighs*
        *puts elf costume back in the closet*

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          It still counts as an elf costume if you’re not wearing pants, right?

          • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

            Where do you hang the mistletoe if you’re wearing pants? Asking for a friend

          • mancityRed6

            you can get an elf costume with pants?

    • theCryptofishist

      There is some controversy about that song. I read a defense, by and anti-rape feminist, so I only know it from that side, but you are not alone.

      • Thiazin Red

        I can see it that way too, she really does want to stay and bang, but social pressure means that she has to make up excuses.

        • Shan the Wonky Woo

          That’s the way I eventually came to see it after initially finding it kind of rapey and gross.

          • SuspectedDemocrat

            I think that was the Roosh V travel book Stay and Bang Iceland

          • Thiazin Red

            It probably depends on the version too. The Dean Martin one sounds kind of gross because he sounds 100% tanked singing it.

        • theCryptofishist

          Yeah, it was pre-rohipnal.

    • TheGrandWaz00

      It’s no Aqualung, but yeah.

    • Rick Hill

      Idk. I just looked at it as a song about two people trying to justify getting nekid and bumping uglies written at a time when that was frowned on, though everyone did it. Even your grandma and grandpa and sometimes it wasn’t even with each other.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      IMHO, the guy is certainly trying to get somewhere with the gal (is this already ancient terminology?) But he isn’t assaulting her and she isn’t incapacitated. Her responses are flirtatious, to say the least.

      I see it as a song about two people who want to get together, he a little whiny, she anxious about what others might think.

      This song started out as the ultimate party piece for composer/lyricist Frank Loesser and his first wife, Lynn. I am, admittedly, An Old though not as old as the song, but I don’t see it as even remotely offensive.

      (Aside: S. J. Perelman wrote a book called “Baby, It’s Cold Inside.”)

      Another Loesser song, “Two Sleepy People,” does not to me evoke images of date-rape drugs.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      No worse than Noel Coward:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ket__ZN6Lg#?t=0m39s

      (Fun fact: those are his original lyrics at 1:06)

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    And can I explain the “you know who else” game to Brad? It started as a riff on, oh, I don’t know, let’s say Glenn Beck, who would use this question to imply Obama was Hitler, health care was Hitler, or whoever was beating him in the ratings was Hitler. Point is, the who else was always Hitler.

    We play a little bit different. The question must be phrased in such a way that the obvious answer is Hitler, and all answers must be not Hitler. Like one of my personal favorites, this oldie but goodie on the evils of teaching evolution…

    http://wonkette.com/537188/sundays-with-the-christianists-american-history-textbooks-for-homeschooled-monkeyboys

    Hat’s off to Callyson for the question (near the very bottom of the not allowed comments), “You know who else studied at liberal German universities?”

    And whoever answered Albert fucking Einstein.

  • Ricky Gay

    ALL the CLAMS, Katie!

  • Me not sure
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Oh, and Brad? Another thing we like to do here during the evenings, after the posts are a few hours old, is to go to the most recent ones to post videos and tweets we like. To wit:

    https://twitter.com/KailiJoy/status/808507182761340928

    • Gosala

      That’s the part I like best.

      That and Shit Fer Brains

      My two favorite parts are the late night comments and Shit Fer Brains and Wonkagenda

      Amongst my favorite parts…

      And a fanatical devotion to snark

  • Bitter Scribe

    I’d forgotten about the D-Day item. Thanks for mentioning it.

  • TundraGrifter

    Technically, Duh Gov’ said “All of ’em.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRkWebP2Q0Y

    AOTK is close enough for me!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Worth noting that the wingnutz and Trumpanzees are being openly encouraged to do likewise, and not read actual newspapers.
      Same way (and same reason) religions try to restrict what the faithful read – can’t have those damned facts getting in the way of the propaganda.

  • MOG253

    Also too, no comment is a comment.

  • Up In Smoke O’hontas

    Did anyone tell Brad to avoid the bunk if there’s a sock on the doorknob? Especially when Justin has been in the news?

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Ahhh, Justin…I’ll be in my bunk.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Uh, also, you don’t want to touch the sock.

      It’s, uh, dirty.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Oh, btw, Brad: Not that Justin.

  • 2 snaps up for the Star Trek Clint Howard cameo. (Tranya) Sit! Be com-for-tah-bull! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a1e089342b4eb9dd20c3f495195dcb4c2fa81f2ef199f8411e22bf7c3df906ad.jpg

  • Bill Slider

    Wonkette, and it’s commenters get
    some of their best English slang from photos of protesters carrying homemade signs. One of my favorites was the woman with a sign complaining about President Obama and the right wing claim that he was not a Christian, but a follower of Islam. Her sign read: Muslin.

  • Nounverb911

    Brad, sometime we rehash things too, also. (Speak like Miss South Carolina).

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d67b5dbf34bfde43851bd57b4930351b54ba24121b0449b01ba8c4ac3cd6aa34.png

    • therblig

      there was a yule dumpster fire over on huffpo this morning .

  • TundraGrifter

    Somebody else is going to have to explain the buttsex to Brad. That’s a Mommy Bog recipe for disaster.

    Maybe Brad is one of those “virtual” office assistants –

    • Jennifer R

      Buttsex for Brad sounds like a self help book. Or an illustrated satire book. Or both.

      • A touching coming of age tale?

        • Jennifer R

          The double entendre are coming from inside the thread!

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Perhaps a really touching after school special? Sorry jwtukker. Missed your post.

    • therblig

      you mean like Clippy?

  • Pinkham’s Law
  • Up In Smoke O’hontas

    Does Brad know that Mountain time is a fake news myth? If not, he’s gonna be surprised when he finds out!

  • starfanglednut

    OT, but where do I sign in as a member on this new site design? I’m an oldz and I can’t find it.

    • Mobile or computer?

      • starfanglednut

        iOS 10

    • Suttree

      It’s new? I thought they changed it like two years ago. That must have been some really good acid that I took around New Years.

      • starfanglednut

        There’s some more recent changes. I could sign in a day or two ago, but not today.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Brad, just remember that all the best nicknames for Trump originate here.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      The Daily Show steals all our jokes!

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        and Rachel loves us!

        • Shan the Wonky Woo

          SQUEEE!!!

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    The thing about this site, Brad… may I call you Brad? The thing is, Bram, about this site, is that the comments are actually something you will want to read.

    On every other website known to man, Barack, you will want to pop your eyeballs gently out with a sledgehammer after reading a few, including on Faceboop, and those are probably even from your own mother. But here, Brange, it is different.

    The comments, if they even really truly exist, are a thing of hilarity. Or many things. Of beauty. Because there are many of them.

    Briff, that doesn’t matter. What matters is whether or not you may be hallucinating about this very comment.

    Have you perhaps recently eaten a bag lightly salted rat dicks? Bad news, Broing, sometimes those are, well, lightly poisoned also too. Well, it was nice knowing you, I guess!

    • arundel

      Exsqueeze you. Wonkette does not allow comments.

  • Reddishrabbit

    I’m just here for the recipes. I look up the Dick jokes for a friend.

    • BigBoppa pour la résistance

      Salted rat dick recipes also, as well.

      • Shan the Wonky Woo

        That reminds me. We have a very special beef jerky recipe as well.

  • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

    also too, we take libelz very seriously!

  • mrFawkes

    “Hi! My name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss. I wonder if you’d mind helping us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road. Do you have a phone we might use?”

    Beware ‘Brad.” I knocked on the Wonkette door a few years back. Haven’t been able to leave. Oh the horrors.

    • Jennifer R

      I too would never leave. Nor the Eyes Wide Shut orgy either.

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        Eh, the orgy was cool until Tom Cruise started trying to get me to come down for a free audit.

        • Jennifer R

          Unless someone is on their back, “Orgy” and “Come down” don’t belong in the same sentence.

      • ken_kukec

        Bummer about there not being an inside password.

      • mrFawkes

        Someone wake up the turgid love muscle who dozed off in the corner.

        • Jennifer R

          It’s winter, so he is hibernating. Only shit-posts once every two weeks.

    • Jamoche

      You can check out any time you like…

      OK, there really needs to be a Hotel California/Rocky Horror filk.

    • On the plus side, there’s always the Pelvic Thrust!

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      Shut up and get back in your gimp box.
      (/s)

      • mrFawkes

        I’m shaking it boss.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Well you got caught with a flat
      Well how ’bout that
      Well Brad, don’t you panic
      By the light of the night
      It’ll all seem alright
      I’ll get you a Satanic mechanic.

      • notaten

        This is why I heart Wonkette. You all know what I’m thinking before I can even put it into words

    • Suse

      You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. ETA: Oh, poo. Should have read further down for similar comment.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Last thing I remember, I was
      Running for the door
      I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
      ‘Relax’ said the night man
      ‘We are programmed to receive
      You can check out any time you like
      But you can never leave!

      • Mpeg

        Welcome To The Motel California?

        • handyhippie65

          is that the one that used to have a big trump on top?

    • CASTLES DON’T HAVE PHONES, ASSHOLE

      • mrFawkes

        Obamaphones isssued at the door

    • calliecallie

      Frankly, I would like to do a time warp these days. Where’s Obama with that darn time machine?

    • handyhippie65

      now i’m going to have to watch rocky horror again. thanx guy. mr. fawkes if you’re nasty. and nasty, we are.

  • SecludedCompound

    Something tells me if you respond to this email, you will be president in four years.

    See, because, Russians, emails, head rearing, etc.

    • Suttree

      Or die in 7 days.

      • SecludedCompound

        That’s only if you fail to share it, much like AIDS.

  • So, Brad, do you have any tattoos?

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Do you want some?

    • AnnieGetYourBrad

      Brad, have you ever seen a grown man naked?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Janet: What have you done to Brad?

    Frank: Nothing. Why, do you think I should?

  • Suse

    Squee – The Trouble with Tribbles is on teevee!

    • Shan the Wonky Woo

      What’s that movie about the little creatures you’re not supposed to feed after midnight?

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        Gremlins.

        Perfect metaphor for trump’s cabinet, BTW.

        • Shan the Wonky Woo

          That’s right. I haven’t seen that one, either.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            I liked part 2 better…but I like absurd sequels nobody else likes. My favorite Indiana Jones is the last crusade.
            (prepares self for barrage of rotten kale and stale gluten free muffins).

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            If that’s the one where Sean Connery tells whining Indy “You left just as you were getting interesting!” then I agree.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            well Sir Sean has only been in one movie, so yeah, that one.

          • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

            I like it because it is super cheesy – come on, a Gremlin singing “New York, New York” like Sinatra? You can’t accept that as anything but farce.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            There was a bit of devilish comedy in the first one, I think whoever wrote part 2 liked that part the best. The second one is almost like a parody of the first.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            And, sadly, Indiana Jones movies fade into the cultural twilight. Perhaps, someday in the future, they will be a reference on a sit-com or even have a revival Broadway play. Let’s wave goodbye to some of my favorite movies.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Heh, at least part 3 wasn’t as bad as Krystal Skull. I never saw it, but I’ve heard things…

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            My daughter is a fan of the Krystal Skull…YOU WEREN’T THERE MAN, YOU WEREN’T THERE! The horror! THE HORROR!

          • Historicat

            Ahem. Indiana Jones movies in order of bestness:
            1. Raiders
            2. Last Crusade
            3. Young Indy chronicles (shut up, they do too count)
            4. Temple of Doom

            99. Krystal Skull

        • IOnlyLikeCats

          I never understood that movie. When are you allowed to start feeding them again? I figure at dawn, but the movie never cleared that up.

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Human Centipede?

    • Slavakitty

      You mean the Star Trek episode, right? The cute, cuddly Klingon detectors?

  • Moebym, Resistance Pilot

    Sorry, OT again, but what a juicy article! The Russian gubmint seems to be pretty happy that Dump doesn’t trust the CIA.

    http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/12/12/the-kremlin-gloats-over-trump-s-cia-tantrum.html

  • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

    Seriously though, poor Brad, that cat has probably bolted and will never come back. Reminds me of that bit from Fear and Loathing where the guy wanders into the bathroom to find Hunter sniffing cocaine off some dude’s sleeve…and he always wonders what’s going on in men’s rooms across america…something like that.

    Anyway, so how will we turn “Brad” into a new inside joke?

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Now I feel so bad for Brad. Can we find him a new cat?

    • efoveks

      Bringin’ it to a whole new level: you keep this up CJ, and we’re gonna hafta stop sendin’ you to that schoooool givin’ you all them fancy ideas!

      (Actually, no. Stay in school.)

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        heh…I’m thinking “a Brad” should be a wonderfully naive person or a newbie to Wonkette…but I’m open to discussion on the subject.

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        Aw thanks…only 3 more semesters…(looks at calender) oh FFS.

        • Suse

          How long is your program?

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            It’s only 2 years, but I did stuff all kinds of out of order…so it tapers off from here, four classes last spring, 4 this past fall, 3 this spring starting in Jan, then 1 plus internship, and another 1 plus internship. (Keeping myself at 1/2 time so I can get student loans).

            Our program is so small, they only offer certain classes in the fall or hte spring, and some of course have pre-req’s.

            It’s not a big deal if you do it hte proper way, but I’ve never done ANYTHING the proper way.

    • Me not sure

      All newbies are now Brads for at least a week.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        Can we do that retroactively and just start calling everyone Brad for a week?

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Technically, we should call the new policy a Brad the first week it is in effect.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            So that’s a Brad about Brads?

            Bradception!

        • Me not sure

          Permission has to be granted for something like that, Brad.

        • Me not sure

          Permission has to be granted for something like that, Brad.

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Especially the trolls?

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            This idea I like…start every reply to a troll with “Brad”, i.e. “Brad, you clearly didn’t…”

            They’ll have no idea WTF we’re talking about and the unhinged ones will get upset and being called Brad all the time.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            That was my thinking. And I hope a few of them actually are Brads and will get paranoid and go totally full Trump.

  • Nockular cavity
  • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

    I’m thinking that “Brad” is really Dominic and he is tricking us into grouping all the lexicon in a single place. Manipulative little fucker, aincha?

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      Oohh, that’s some Alex Jones level shit right dere.

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

        All the Info what’s fit to War over.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Except that this makes actual sense.

    • Shan the Wonky Woo

      Huh. I was reading all this and thinking “Wow, this will really help Dominic if he’s working on that project” but it didn’t cross my mind that we were being PLAYED SO HARD.

      Nobody’s complaining, though, right?

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    OT my mom is completely unable to take criticism and has compared me to my father (an actual child molester). She is blocked on Facebook right now until she decides gaslighting her children is a poor way to bond.

    • Shan the Wonky Woo

      Damn, I’m sorry.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        I offered her my anxiety medication and she further lost her temper, which is weird, because my anxiety medication is a Benadryl relative. I don’t know if listening is her problem or a sense of humor is.

    • sw19womble

      Erk.
      Today I forwarded some pics to sw19mom of the recent snow in Vancouver that my neighbours sent me. I’m no expert but I like to think that’s the sort of thing that kids and parents are supposed to do.

      I’m sorry, people are weird.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That is truly awful.

      So what cabinet position will The Donald appoint her to?

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        She’s not white enough for an appointment in the Donald administration, Ben Carson has already been appointed to HUD. :(

    • Blacktop Autumn

      Seriously, don’t put up with that shit.

      I know I’m likely to lose my mom next month, but I will absolutely not put up with the misbehavior she is capable of, and if she’s goddamn gaslighting you then you shouldn’t either.

      • SnarkON

        Wait, why are you losing your mom?

        • Blacktop Autumn

          Eh, same reasons. I don’t expect her to hang around much once I come out again.

          • SnarkON

            OH. Ugh. Well, I will be your mom, too. I’m very proud of you for becoming your real self.

          • Suse

            I can be a mom, too. I already foster Bad Kitty.

          • Suse

            How is your dad after his cleaning frenzy?

          • Blacktop Autumn

            Better. We’ve all settled back into some degree of normalcy.

            I’m trying to get my stepmom to help me out with my biweekly hormone shot now. Haha.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        Honestly, I don’t put up with it. But I don’t want her to end up like Grandmother Cats, with all of her children hating her and not understanding why (or worse, knowing exactly why). I’m working on some Pavlovian stuff over here and it has been working.

        • Blacktop Autumn

          Keep us updated. :-)

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Yeah I got tired of my father basically blaming all family shit on me, and finally cut him when my kids were little. I’ll always feel the pain of not having a relationship, but it beats the heck out of the suicidal depressions that used to follow our interactions. #orphanbychoice

        • OrdinaryJoe

          After my parents passed, I became an orphanbychoice too. Found out the asshole had been stealing money from our Dad for years. My life is so much better without the criminal that was my sibling.

    • mancityRed6
    • SnarkON

      I’ll be your mom. I think you are nice.

    • Juan de Payaso

      I feel your pain and empathize. My mom gaslighted us before gaslighting was a thing. 20 + years later, I texted her today and told her to keep an eye open for a Christmas package from C.A. heading her way in N.C. and it made her happy.

      Distance makes the heart grow fonder and helps you put aside the drama and think about how much ya’ll really do love each other. Also makes once a year visits alot happier.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Oh, now that is some real bullpuckey right there. Terrible, and frankly, blood or not anyone who uses that sort of emotional abuse deserves nothing but scorn and derision.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I have a thing I call “the Daughters” and “the Sons”* who are young people I know whom only an accident of birth kept from being mine. I am happy to add you to the number.

      *(there are a few “the We’re Not Commiting”s in there too)

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        You guys are like penguins (in the best possible way). I will be all of your children but I’m not willing to give up on my biological mom just yet.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Oh my favorite Christmas diddy: “Bi-polar grandma is coming to town.”

  • Me not sure
  • Suttree

    Also too, any and all numbers are divisible by and add up to eleventy.

    • Juan de Payaso

      But how many eleventies equal a parsec? Asking for a friend.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Greedo did the math wrong. That’s why Han shot him (first).

      • Suttree

        A Brazillion?

        • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

          KKKKKKKKKKK!

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        “Fourteen”
        “TWELVE! *mutters* Fourteen…”

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Love that Molly Ivins quote. That’s why Republicans fail at satire on such an epic scale…they always employ it to bully and humiliate the vulnerable.

    • mancityRed6

      that’s because they feel that everyone is beneath them.
      they embody the “temporarily embarrassed millionaire” quote.

      • SnarkON

        I disagree with your police work, there, Lou. I think they feel deeply inferior to us. That is actually what drives them — this feeling that they’ll never be in the cool kids club. Which is ridiculous, because it’s pretty easy to be a liberal elite. You just have to be nice to people.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Wait…what?? You mean that huge membership fee and the monthly dues I pony up for aren’t necessary?

    • SnarkON

      You are right, but that isn’t satire. It’s just bullying.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Exactly. They don’t know the difference, Irony also too.

      • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

        Melania will put a stop to that!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Our Beloved Ms. Molly…

  • AnnieGetYourBrad

    He seems…. well, way nicer than the likes of us deserve.

    • SnarkON

      Honestly I love Brad and hope he comes to join us here in the comments section under the Disqus name “Brad.”

  • Juan de Payaso
  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Brad might be able to get a better sense of the Wonkette vibe if comments were allowed.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Yeah, like that’s going to happen.

  • Suse
  • mancityRed6

    OT: Thanks to me not being fired for the last five years, and the xmas bonus still being a thing, I am going to buy a bed this Friday. An honest to goodness bed to sleep in. I’ll finally have a use for that weird room in my apartment that’s currently empty.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Sheets. Don’t forget sheets. Also too, mayhap, a blanket or two.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        Mattress protectors are wonderful if you eat in bed!

        • Thiazin Red

          Or if you’re just really sweaty.

          • BigBoppa pour la résistance

            Or if you have pets.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Or drink in bed.

          • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

            Or masturbate relentlessly… or so I hear

          • sw19womble

            Or feed your pets in bed, while furiously drunk masturbating.

          • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

            You too?

          • sw19womble

            Hey, a womble’s got to have a hobby.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Or don’t sleep alone.

          • IOnlyLikeCats

            Look, you guys, I have a reputation as a virgin prude I would like to keep.

          • Thiazin Red

            Why does my one cat not grasp the concept of getting off the bed before coughing up hair? The other one gets it, its not that hard.

          • Suse

            One of mine barfed yuuugely on the bed at 2:00 this morning. I heard him cacking and pushed him toward the towel I keep on the bed for this reason. He hit the target.

          • Thiazin Red

            The sound will wake me up from a dead sleep now.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Seems like there’s a thing or two you may not understand about cats.

          • Thiazin Red

            I understand that my cats are dumb jerks.

          • mancityRed6

            you do understand!

      • mancityRed6

        yeah, the sheets I got for that one weekend at a cabin on Wilson Lake (Kansas) is starting to get old. No more jerzee sheet sets.
        Also, Wilson Lake is by the town of Lucas. http://www.lucaskansas.com/home.html
        Honestly, the whole town is committed to folk art, check the page, it’s damn cool for being in Kansas.

        • Pinkham’s Law

          Looks like a cool place!

          • mancityRed6

            the public bathroom downtown was cool as hell

          • Pinkham’s Law

            <..> reaaaallly?

          • mancityRed6

            hey, hey, hey…not like that.

    • sw19womble

      Nice IKEA ‘hack’ that I spotted over the weekend, if you’re interested. And if you like readin’ an stuff, forget the storage boxes. B-)
      http://www.instructables.com/id/Shelf-Bed-Storage/

      • mancityRed6

        I like it, but I’m going for this one:
        http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/S79157936/#/S49157952
        Mainly because I wouldn’t be able to fit in this one:
        http://www.ikeahackers.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/kura-bed-3.jpg
        and the cats would be pissed because they wouldn’t be able to get into this one:
        http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/S29154209/

        • sw19womble
          • mancityRed6

            there’s supposed to be a secret room, too.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gj-Ht19_qis
            fastforward to about 4:25

          • Thiazin Red

            Man, my dad was shit compared to this dad.

          • Suttree

            As a kid, I built all of our Ikea furniture. My dad wasn’t interested and I loved that shit! They were like bigger more complicated legos.

        • tomamitai

          Does it come with meatballs, or are they extra? I’ve never actually been to an Ikea, but I’ve heard stories.

          • mancityRed6

            extra, I’m afraid. I’ve eaten at one in Manchester, but that was about 14 years ago and can’t remember what I had.

          • Suttree

            They are sooooo disgusting! Yes, I get them every time I go.

        • Suttree

          Yes they would! Either jump or more likely sit on the floor and meow until you pick them up.

          • Thiazin Red

            One of mine does this every damn night. You know where I am dumbass, just hop onto the bed.

          • Suttree

            But it’s no fun unless I annoy you!

          • mancityRed6

            yeah, all I need is for the 14 year old to jump. Karl can kiss my ass, but Pippa has cost me too much money to do anything like that.
            and for me, because I drink sometimes, and couldn’t imagine finding and climbing those stairs in the dark.

          • Suttree

            You’ll just have to train them with a bucket and a rope.

    • SnarkON

      Does this mean you can use your bathtub for gin again?

      • mancityRed6

        wait, was I not supposed to?

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          why not both? (sorry I don’t have the photo).

        • Gosala

          Just don’t clean it. Adds to the local character

          • Suttree

            Terroir for wine snobs.

    • Gosala

      Five years to buy a bed?

      Sounds like stories of the Soviet Union when I was a gosaling

      • mancityRed6

        no, actually about 3 months. the five years got me an extra paid day off and $100.

        • Gosala

          Hoo boy, and I thought my employer was cheap.

          Congratulations on the bed!

  • SnarkON

    YOU HAD TO SAY “CANNED CLAMS.”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Maybe “canned clams” could be used as a sort of password for potential Wonkette hopefuls. If they reply correctly with “YOU MONSTER!!11!”, they’re in like Flynn.

      • SnarkON

        We should plan a drinky thing in which the password to get in is “Canned Clams.”

        • BigBoppa pour la résistance

          I saw a giant can of clams at the grocery store last weekend. Without thinking, I pointed at it and said “you monster”. My wife thought it been hit with sudden onset Tourettes.

      • notaten

        I honestly intend to register as a muslim should cheeto get his way, and I will most definitely use canned clams as my safe word.

  • Pinkham’s Law
    • Suse

      Is it Wednesday already?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        CLOSE ENOUGH!

      • Gosala

        It is in Lagos and Paris

      • JVisconti

        I put on my dance shoes every morning confident I won’t find my watch and bring me back to reality.

    • yyyaz

      Sure, just let me slip into my boogie bootaloons…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux2WXNsqfe8

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Dis won gud fer moosik nerds AND spayce nurds, bof:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaOC9danxNo

    • Thiazin Red

      Its like the crowning achievement of human civilization so far.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Going on 34,000,000 views. Maybe there is hope for us. Thanks in large part to Bowie, who made it possible to keep the Copyright Orcs at bay.

    • words

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Looking back to when we won the Cold War. Shame that Putin won the Cold Peace.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBVPjMzyDD0

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    With sufficient beer pressure, can sincere earnestness eventually be perverted into snarky moral preening? Asking for Bra….er, a friend.

  • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

    The wonkette snark mob:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3a3c649443165cf12d9de50ce80a3f4ba87d77750f32e458a263e96b305d446b.jpg
    Actually, I just love that photo and never get to use it.

    • Thiazin Red

      Damn, did he wander off the This Island Earth set?

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        That’s Ace Rosenthal (played by DeNiro in the movie Casino), testifying before Congress, IIRC.

        • sw19womble

          Nice comments section you got here. Be a shame if somethin’ should happen to it….

        • Thiazin Red

          Thats one of those movies I keep meaning to see, but never get around to.

          I was just making fun of his giant head and silly hair.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            That’s okay, I have absolutely no idea what “This Island Earth” is…will google.

          • Thiazin Red

            Its the movie they used for MST3K: The Movie.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Good flick actually…I met the real Ace in a grocery store in Miami Beach about 10 years ago.

            I said Ace! And I swear he jumped about a foot. (That makes more sense when you’ve seen the movie, esp. the part where the mob exploded him in his car).

          • Thiazin Red

            Cool, that reminds me of the Off the Menu story about the waiter who saw Salman Rushdie.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            I just realized, how many of you can say you met a guy who survived a car bomb. Huh?

            /s

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            Yo! Also defended a guy who set off a car bomb.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations
          • UncleTravelingMatt

            I met Charles Cavallero, Jr. many years ago. His father (Cadillac Charlie) and brother were killed in a bombing in Youngstown, OH. Charles Jr. survived.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            That’s insane!
            Actually Ace seems to have pretty lucky. (Isn’t there a bit in the movie where they explain he survived because the factory installed some kind of plate right between where he was sitting and where they put the bomb? My memory is hazy).

        • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

          Awesome.

      • God, I love this place…

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    OT- hot cider with rum is really really good, but measure the rum? and then don’t drink it down too fast. Whoah. (Brad, sometimes you get interesting OT advice here as well)

    • Suttree

      Fill glass until it spills, chug what you can, fill new space with cider.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        “Hold my beer for a sec and watch this!”

    • Suse

      Sounds good. Hot buttered rum is good, too.

      • yyyaz

        Hot buttered rum is the bestest on those -10F nights. DO NOT substitute tequila for the rum if you run out of rum. You are welcome.

        • Suse

          I like Meyers’s dark rum, Bourbon would be good, too. Was the tequila bad, too strong, what?

          • Slavakitty

            yyyaz is probably speaking from experience about hot buttered tequila. Just typing the words makes me want to barf. (Thanks for sharing your wisdom, yyyaz. Upvoted for making me queazygiggle.)

          • yyyaz

            Ummmm…if you ever smell or taste hot cactus (blue agave in this case), you will remember it. Forever, and not in a good way.

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          did anybody else read that as “hot buttered bum”?

          Come on, don’t lie to me…

    • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

      What kind of rum, and also are there spices?

      • Thiazin Red

        If you’ve got the time putting in some oranges pierced with cloves and cinnamon and letting it simmer for a while is nice.

        • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

          That sounds so wintery and good. And I have rum AND cider.

          • Thiazin Red

            I put some brown sugar in it too, but not a lot since the cider is already sweet.

  • And Tuesday is “FREE TACOS” night at Wonkette, if anybody ever remembers to bring the damned tacos.

  • Scrofula

    I’ve only been disappointing y’all with my “humor” for a couple months, but I’ve been lurking since like 2006. Still, I somehow missed how WALNUTS! got his moniker. Anyone mind sharing? Hgeeenegh (sp)?

    • sw19womble

      *raises hand, also, too*

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        *hands you ViewFinder* Here, educate yourself

        • IOnlyLikeCats

          How many drugs went into this?

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            drugs libelz!

            Seriously, that’s too insane for drugs.

          • Scrofula

            OK, lack of prescribed drugs.

          • sw19womble

            TBH I’ve seen enough open-mic nights to think that’s normal.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Heh, I went to art school…that’s uninspired and pedestrian compared to art school. (If you’ve never read David Sedaris, his writings about his involvement with performance art (and crystal meth) is hysterical, ouch my sides funny).

          • sw19womble

            Couldn’t find the bit from the ‘performance art’ episode of Spaced, so I’ll leave this here instead:
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brQw15Xz7Go

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          Of course there’s a wonksplainer, of course there is.

        • Scrofula

          Uh, thank you? I mean, I appreciate the help, but then I watched . . . that. So the answer, as usual, is DRUGS.

        • sw19womble

          Why thank you, kind Resistance Pilot.

        • Jamoche

          Ah, the dark ages of Flash. I remain unenlightened and Flash-free.

      • Scrofula

        Salvatore the intern seems to have been committed sometime in 2009. A shame–I would love to see how his “art” has evolved over the years.

      • Msgr_Moment
    • AnnieGetYourBrad

      Even though it’s SORT OF been explained to me, I still can’t work out why Ann Romney is called Egg. I got on board with it when it suited me, but it never made sense.

    • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

      How do we know you’re not Brad?

  • BigBoppa pour la résistance

    OT but I got some bad news today so I’m gonna post this baby meerkat hug for myself.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/95fa45329d2caa7c56c5f9ca90e2f5783b807d18d94f4fd0637f652ebd9112d3.jpg

  • BigBoppa pour la résistance

    OT but I got some bad news today so I’m gonna post this baby meerkat hug for myself.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/95fa45329d2caa7c56c5f9ca90e2f5783b807d18d94f4fd0637f652ebd9112d3.jpg

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Bad news sucks. There’s already a surplus on the market of it.

    • Suse

      So sorry, BB! Sending you a big hug from me.

    • yyyaz
    • Gosala
      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        Thanks. I got the results of my prostate biopsy and it wasn’t what I’d hoped. Good news is that it’s really early stage but I’m still kind of freaking out tonight. I’ll be sleeping with Mr. Jack Daniels tonight.

        • WomanInTheResistance

          Well that sucks. Not the JD, the test results. Sorry to hear that.

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          Chin up…the stats on your situation are good right? (The tX uncle went through this).

          • BigBoppa pour la résistance

            I’m gonna be fine. Good news #2 is that maybe I’ll qualify for a scrip for medical marijuana now and a dispensary just opened up a couple of blocks from my house.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Whew…good and glad to hear it (on all counts).

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Yeah – these days it’s more of a PITA than anything else. Which still sucks, of course.

        • AnnieGetYourBrad

          Stupid prostate. Your odds are excellent, though! Let us know how things are going.

        • Slavakitty

          I remember well the initial “deer in the headlights” phase. Take it one day at a time, be very kind to yourself, and you’ll get through this. There are tons of online resources, and don’t be shy about asking questions. We’re pulling for you, Big Boppa. You’re gonna kick cancer’s butt — if I can do it you can.

        • notaten

          There are many treatment protocols that are easier for your body to cope with, and also, (thanks Obama) you can get as many second or third opinions as you need. If insurance tells you they don’t pay for that, well, ya, they do but they don’t like it. Be your own best advocate, and don’t hesitate to ask for an advocate from the Cancer Society or any other advocacy groups that may be around your area. Good news, if it’s early times your prognosis is good, and you will probably die of a thousand other things before this kills you

        • Gosala

          Yeah, that’s bad news. Still, there’s hope. Thoughts, prayers, hugs and all that good stuff. So hi to Jack for me, mk?

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas
  • a_pink_poodle

    BRAD! AH-AAH!
    Assistant to the Universe!

  • proudgrampa

    Dear Brad –

    Welcome!

    You really should come here and nowhere else for all of your News, Weather, Political Commentary and Porn.

    And you can ignore the Porn if that’s not your thing…

    All the best,

    proudgrampa

    • Juan de Payaso

      And the baked stuffing recipe that keeps going around the day after Thanksgiving.

      #NeedsMoarCannedClams

      • proudgrampa

        You Monster!

    • cynmac will never surrender

      Are Dick Jokes considered P0rn now?

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        I like to think of them as pr0n.

  • AnnieGetYourBrad

    For the record, I hated the exploding pig poop story.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      IKR? Pig shit explodes, yet Dick Cheney still lives.

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      That was before my time, but I imagine it was as bad as the thing on Ted Cruz’s lip at hte debate…some of us were campaigning to prevent that photo from ever being posted again.

      (Goddamit you snarky bastards, do not post that abomination here.)

      • cynmac will never surrender

        That was an insane picture. Currently, I am tired of any nude pictures of any Trump. Yes, Donnie and Melon included also too.

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          oh god, that one that jesuswasablack likes to post…the “See More” button NEVER hides the awful, dangly bits.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            We need a “See Less” button.

      • AnnieGetYourBrad

        The tonsillolith. Yeah, I gag every time I see that, too.

      • Even better: Sam Seder’s slo-mo blow by blow.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8U4pabj9WUk

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Funny, mean & different is about all you need in this world.

  • Vagenda and Tiara

    I’d love a T-shirt that says “Canned clams…bitch, please!”

    • Suse

      A new Wonkette item to buy!

      • Vagenda and Tiara

        Maybe it could become the revolution’s rallying cry, as well. As we storm Trump Castle, we could all yell “canned clams? …bitch, please!!!!!”

        • Suse

          I like it! Vive les palourdes en conserve!

  • Walter De La Résistance

    Brad,

    Welcome. Here’s who we are in a few words: we’re well informed, we don’t suffer fools and we’re pretty fucking profane when we write.

    • sw19womble

      Hey, I for one am a paragon of fucking virtue.

      • yyyaz

        I would like to try virtual fucking, but WTF do I know.

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          watch your fucking mouths!

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        There’s no need for this gratuitous profanity for fuck’s sake!

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Fuck off, preening wanker.

      • notaten

        Right? Who left you in charge of watching my fucking mouth? Fuck off, for fucks sake!I’m a damn paragon of your fucking fucked-up virtue! I hate these fucking holier-than-thou fucking language police!

  • Jennifer R

    Is there a fleshlight knock off called Canned Clam yet? if not someone go fix that.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

      Could maybe NOT call it a “knock off”, please? Bad for sales. kthxbye.

  • Vagenda and Tiara

    “Seafood allergies are nothing like that bullshit gluten free nonsense.”

    Stop comparing apples to oranges, sheeple!

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Unless you have Celiac disease, you probably don’t need gluten free stuff. But don’t overdo the carbs.

      • Suse

        I posted before that I was diagnosed with celiac recently. People who don’t have it, but talk about their gluten intolerance ad nauseum, make it difficult for those who do. People think it’s a BS food fad type of thing.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          No, it’s real. 1 out of 133 people have it. If modern wheat wheat cultivars were a GMO, the FDA/USDA wouldn’t let you sell them.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Watch all the pissing and moaning when someone tries to put gluten-free GMO wheat into the ground.

          • Suse

            I know it’s real, believe me. It’s going to be weird without sourdough bread in my life. :-(

        • BigBoppa pour la résistance

          My son was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease this year so he has to go gluten free too. In fact, he can’t even have potato or white rice.

      • Vagenda and Tiara

        You’re talking to someone who ate most of a Grimaldi’s pizza by herself today, one chocolate item labeled “chocolate diet pill” and part of a chocolate boot. “Give me carbs, and/or give me death” is going to be my epitaph.

        Chocolate and carbs are worth fighting for, and dying for as far as I’m concerned. I swear that one day I’m going to be one of those gals who bellies up to the bar and orders a salad with grilled salmon on top, and a glass of wine, but today is not that day.

      • Markuserektus
    • HELPFUL COOKING TIPS

      Toss a few Benadryl capsules in your Canned Clam casserole and you’ll be JUST FINE.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b445e7c9f06af0d616082074c89090b8e15ea47abebfc1d1ed0828369ffc5ca9.jpg

      Yum yum! Eat’m up!

      • Suse

        That looks terrible!

        • sw19womble

          WELL YOU LOOK TERRIBLE!

          sorry, relationship flashback….

          • Suse

            I do look terrible today.

          • Résistance Land Shark

            Never! Don’t ruin our meager fantasies!

        • notaten

          It’s eating itself!!!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          That looks like it just arrived at the trauma center.

      • Vagenda and Tiara

        Sounds perfectly logical.

  • azeyote

    you mean this isn’t a online bar and i’ve been drinking alone all this time ?

    • cynmac will never surrender

      You are never drinking alone on Wonkette!

    • AnnieGetYourBrad

      You are not alone
      I am here with you
      Something something martini
      I am not a weenie
      You are not alooooooone

  • JVisconti

    Don’t bother clicking on OLDS on the dashboard Brad.
    The fonts don’t get any larger.

  • Vagenda and Tiara

    Wonkette in a gluten free, canned clam, hypoallergenic, nutshell:
    1) gay refugee huggers
    2) satanists (mostly just Rebecca!)
    3) DEPRAVED!!!!
    4) Wonky woos
    5) haters of phony people, canned clams, and Donald Trump
    6) advocates for a pants free lifestyle
    7) vile little snark mob

    • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

      Also too, avoid rainbow bagels, and don’t put peas in guacamole, lest ye be labeled a monster.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

      Also too, avoid rainbow bagels, and don’t put peas in guacamole, lest ye be labeled a monster.

    • BigBoppa pour la résistance

      “haters of phony people, canned clams, and Donald Trump”

      Redundancy alert!!

      • Vagenda and Tiara

        Fair enough.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Should we tell him to watch out for the brown acid?

      • Why? They just never listen!

      • Vagenda and Tiara

        No, let’s let him down the rabbit hole, so we can take him to Podesta’s sex dungeon.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Come for the pederasty, stay for the pizza!

    • AnnieGetYourBrad

      7) Profit!

      • Vagenda and Tiara

        8) Adorable! (mostly just Donna Rose though)

    • Msgr_Moment

      Canned clams: No!
      Geoducks: Si!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Oh, and Brad? Another thing we like to do is post OT updates, such as this one from the NYT:

    A Trump Economic Boom? The Fed May Stand in the Way

    Investors in financial markets, and those predicting faster economic growth in 2017, would do well to remember the famous words that William McChesney Martin Jr., the former Federal Reserve chairman, uttered way back in 1955: The Fed’s job is to remove the punch bowl just as the party gets going.

    President-elect Donald J. Trump’s promises to cut taxes and regulation and to increase spending on infrastructure and defense have convinced many that a sugar high in the near term will goose the economy. But Fed officials say the economy is already expanding at something close to its maximum sustainable pace, meaning faster growth would drive inflation toward unwelcome levels.

    To avoid overheating, the Fed could respond by raising interest rates more quickly. The more Mr. Trump stimulates growth, the faster the Fed is likely to increase rates.

    Make America’s Interest Rates Great Again!!!

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Yep, that’s why there’s been money rotating out of treasuries.

    • Gosala

      ISWYDT

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “Fed officials say the economy is already expanding at something close to
      its maximum sustainable pace, meaning that Trump was full of shit throughout his campaign.”
      “Oh, and thanks, Obama!”

      fify, Fed.

    • This is the problem with any loose cannon, they birth unintended consequences by the score.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Just had a bad thought. I hope none of the members of the Fed have terms that expire soon.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Speaking of Mean and Fake, look who crawled out from under her rock.
    https://twitter.com/CNN/status/808820683207741440

    • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

      boooooooo!

    • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

      Seeking is the operative word. Seeking.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Is the position of Pet Cobra still open?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      I nominate her for Ambassador to the Isalmic State in Iraq.

    • Suse

      Minister of Derpitude.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      For context, Katrina Pierson lived on unemployment for a year so she could work free for the Cruz campaign, and Ted not only didn’t hire her, he didn’t endorse her when she ran for office. In return, she endorsed the Enquirer story which said he was boffing her. Does anyone expect Trump to treat her better? It’s not like the feds could force him to rent one of his government-sponsored apartments to her.

  • Markuserektus

    We can haz dirty jokes nau… A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz “Behind my back I’ve got something red, round and you can eat it. What is it?” she asked. “An apple” replied little Raymond “No” said the teacher “It’s a tomato but it shows you’re thinking”. “I’ve now got something round, a greenish color, you can eat it”. “An apple?” replied little Molly. “No it’s an onion, but it shows you’re thinking”. Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says “I’ve got something under my desk that’s a couple inches long, white and it has a red end”. “Dirty little boy” said the teacher “No it’s a match, but it shows you were thinking” he answered.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

      An almost-dick joke! We do those, too, Brad.

    • Gosala

      I am aghast that a teacher does not know the difference between “your” and “you’re.”

      Vouchers now!

      • Markuserektus

        That’s what I get for copy pasta…

  • AnnieGetYourBrad

    Hi, Brad. How do you feel about Boobs McCain? That matters to us here.

  • DainBramage

    Brad. I can call you Brad, right? We also indulge in photos of our pets. Such as this picture of my feline overlord, Willow, expressing disgust and indignation at the Gawd-awful Emperor.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/adf3839032ae0a6b7794a82897f6246d9e01f3ec78738d3736618517a636ae1c.png

    • AnnieGetYourBrad

      Every morning, my 20 month-old son goes sprinting up to our cat, who is usually asleep on the couch, and yells something very exciting at her in his child-babble while showing her whatever toy car he finds especially important that morning. The cat ALWAYS leaps back, turns away in disgust, catches my eye, and then stares at me long and hard, saying very clearly with her look, “You are lucky that I am too tired to give this kid what is coming to him.”

      • DainBramage

        When I got Willow, she was an only cat. When she was still a kitten, I got another kitten to be a “companion” for her. Willow never forgave me.

        • AnnieGetYourBrad

          Actually, we did the same for ours. The cat we got as a companion SEEMED sweet and calm, but it turned out that he had been vaccinated that day and was drowsy. When we got him home, it was clear that he was a fucking maniac. We had to take him back to the shelter and told them to find a family that didn’t mind a cat that would steal food from a child AND that smelled like tuna oil and dog farts all the time for no reason.

          The result was that the first cat, who we still have, was used to some pretty insane antics. By the time we had kids, I think she felt like she had seen it all already. She’s not thrilled with the youngest, who doesn’t pet her like the 4 year-old, but she won’t kill him, at least, not in front of me.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Hope Dok remembered to ask Brad the most important Wonk question of all: “Do you generally wear pants?”.

    • msanthropesmr

      Depends upon your definition of “pants”

      • Résistance Land Shark

        Which depends on your definition of “wear” also too.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      What if one prefers to wear no pants “Admirally?”

      *Bosun call*

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        There’s a yardarm joke in here somewhere…

      • Beanz&Berryz

        upped – for the bosun call….

  • Ezio Auditore

    Does anyone else pronounce “wonkette” with a French accent? I don’t know why but I always think that in my head.

    I’m weird I know.

    • Treg Brown

      Not weird at all.

    • msanthropesmr

      I pronounce it throatwobbler mangrove.

      • gaybymml96

        What some people call their PENUS!

        • Msgr_Moment

          My man grove sets the throats a-wobblin’.

  • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

    Say, Brad, know what you did? You inspired a temporary nym change.

  • Panika MCD

    hey, maybe non-commenters can help Brad out by explaining their inside joke names if they have one. I am a luddite, so I don’t change mine. I was lucky I figured out how to set up a Disqus account on my magic typewriter. though when the whole “vagenda of manocide” thing was going on and a troll made fun of the initials in my name, I did say, “you can’t spell ‘manocide’ without MCD.”

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      What inside joke names?…

      • Panika MCD

        AOT, K.

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      That’s a great idea – I’d be interested int he backstory’s…I….simply don’t have one. My nyms have never been inspired…I was going to change it to S.W.3d but as I said about 12 of you would ahve got it.

      • Shan the Wonky Woo

        I added Wonky Woo after the last Shit Fer Brains article. From the previous one, I was only Mildly Depraved. I did a Shangenda of Shanocide once, too, for giggles. And Shantastic. But I always keep Shan in my name. And mostly the same avatar.

        • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

          I usually have the same beginning part (I’m boring that way, plus trying to remember which username I’m using where gets old after the fourth or fifth incorrect login). It wasn’t until lately that I started embellishing.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            I’ve changed a few times, WomanComingHome, WomanInAMood, etc, but yeah, I always start with Woman and my dog will always be my avatar.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            We some of us needz hints… or cracker crumbs

          • WomanInTheResistance

            I still remember with great pleasure our epic Portland Olds Trivia Contest. Which you won. And of course meeting you at the drinky-thing.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Very fond memories both… and, sadly, I could just do a drop-in on the drinky thing… That Portland Oldz trivia Convo was one of my earliest non-commentations here, I think…

          • WomanInTheResistance

            I was also super new. I remember that we tried to one-up each other about Vera Katz. And I was honestly touched that you made the effort to join us.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            My pleasure to have made it… to see the Portland Wonkers and that adorable not-so-little-babby too…there are real peoplez here! And nice onez also too

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            I have my browser save everything. Which sucks, because I had all my websites for utility and other bills and such saved…and last night, our IT guy had to wipe my computer so now it’s all gone and I have to remember/find/rebuild it all. Mostly, it’s okay because all my bills are on auto-pay except for my mortgage and car payment. And water.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            Oh no! That is no fun at all!

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            Eh, I managed it 6 months ago when I got the new computer. I’ll manage it again!

          • WomanInTheResistance

            You are made of sterner stuff than i.

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          Yeah, got to keep some part through each iteration…thems the rules. (Although technically TX S.W.3d is a Frankenstein of a legal citation…I’m over thinking aren’t i?) ;)

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            As long as you never cite to Louisiana case law your Blue Book will not spontaneously combust. Pro tip!

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Now that you mention it, legal citation is all a bit “mysterious incantation”, isn’t it?

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            I love the minutiae and the fact that it’s either right or wrong. It’s like math for those of us who were told there would be no math.

          • eggsacklywright

            “Mandrake gestures hypnotically.”

        • WomanInTheResistance

          Which is much appreciated.

      • Panika MCD

        ummm… I believe the “Taco Truck” in your name was inspired.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      When University of Oregon was winning football over perennial PAC powerhouse USC, he had a sweatshirt that said “You can’t spell SUCKS without USC”

    • WomanInTheResistance

      I am nostalgic for the “vagenda of manocide” days. Those were simpler, happier times.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        And I don’t get the canned clams thing.. now that we’re opening up…

        • Shan the Wonky Woo

          There’s a link in the article above!

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Sadly, Dok can only put the link in the article, along with a clue what it is. Can’t make somebody click it – that would be too much work!

          • Beanz&Berryz

            you can lead a horse to water….. so THAT’S what that red and under-lined writing thingie is!? Dang…

            Oh, that IS a sweet tantrum that was throwed…. but, and I haven’t eaten these in awhile, but canned smoked clams is good on crackers.. on a hike.. in the woods… if you got something to open the can

          • WomanInTheResistance

            Obligatory – YOU MONSTER!

          • Pinkham’s Law

            We understand – you’re allergic to Red, aren’t you?

          • Beanz&Berryz

            More ascared of it .. sometimes…

          • MaiaAZ

            And crunchy. Don’t even get me started on Red Crunchies…

          • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

            You can lead an ironic brony to water…

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

          That was a faceplace freakou of epic magnitude in reference to one of Reid’s brother’s recipes IIRC. It were awesome.

        • WomanInTheResistance

          I’ve only been here since the Great Bernie-Hillz Nevada Clusterfuck, so it’s before my time. I have heard dark rumors of a recipe, and I believe there was some flouncing, but that’s all I got.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            C.A. Pinkham (no relation) posted a recipe, in which he used Canned Clams.

            This prompted such epic meltdowns that Dok’s ENTIRE SHIT FER BRAINS post that week was composed of comments gathered from the Book of Faces and the website, regarding that article.

            In that column, Dok unintentionally started the “YOU MONSTER” thing with this innocuous paragraph:

            Also, too, we told Colin Pinkham, the borderline sociopath responsible for both the recipe and the headline, about Angela’s concerns that he was trying to shame allergic people into eating something that would kill them, and also that he was pawning off sucky canned clams as being even remotely edible. His reply? “Fresh clams are for eating. Canned clams are for cooking.” He truly is a monster, isn’t he?

          • gaybymml96

            OH MY GOD! I THOUGHT THAT WAS AN IN JOKE?!

          • Suttree

            It is! Now you’re IN.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            Thank Pinkie. I just got home from work and am frankly feeling too lazy to look it up.

            This would also too would make a great campfire story.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            You are always welcome. *bows deeply* *loses balance, falls on face* EVERY DAMN TIME!!!

          • WomanInTheResistance

            *curtsies. trips over damn petticoat. falls on face in a clumsy yet ladylike manner.*

          • Suttree

            Ahh, those were the days. Bitching about goddamn people coming over from Gawker.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Uhhhhhhh, yeeaaaaahhhhhhh. *looks around nervously*

          • gaybymml96

            Wait a minute….

          • Suttree

            Haha! At least most of them left. You’re cool, you are a welcome addition to the mob.

          • Historicat

            It was no Brazilian invasion.

          • BigBoppa pour la résistance

            Flouncing is still permitted. Canned clams…not so much.

        • BigBoppa pour la résistance

          Do not open up those clams.

    • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

      I was created to be a fun, goofy way to talk about epistemology and the scientific method.

  • Treg Brown
  • Suse

    Rand Paul on the Tweety Show thinks Bolton is a madman and will block his nomination.

    • Gosala

      Takes one to know one, I suppose

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Yay! Another 15 minute “filibuster” by Rand.

    • Thiazin Red

      Rand Paul is doing a good thing, thats it I no longer believe in reality.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      There are going to be some strange bedfellows hanging out in the forest as Wolverines with the partisans.

      • Thiazin Red

        I for real want my gravestone to just say “AVENGE ME!!!!!” on it.

        • WomanInTheResistance

          By Gramthar’s hammer….

        • I want GOD GRANT HE LIE STILL.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Mine: “It’s been fun.”

    • Rick Hill

      Yeah but he still wants to get rid of those unnecessary government regulations keeping coal companies from dumping mountaintops in creeks

  • JVisconti

    Brad Pitt discovers Wonkette. Angelina Jolie seeks restraining order.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      I feel like in practice that would go the reverse way.

      • JVisconti

        Maybe. Can’t dispute that these two keep many lawyers in practice.

        • IOnlyLikeCats

          I never liked Brad Pitt and I like him less hearing the allegations of hitting (he didn’t outright deny it, so it probably happened).

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      But how is Jen holding up?

      • Thiazin Red

        IS SHE PREGNANT YET????!?!!!

        • Shan the Wonky Woo

          I know it’s terribly judgmental and all kinds of other bad things but after a certain point with the pregnancies I just go “EW!”

          • Thiazin Red

            I was thinking of the constant uterus watch that all the tabloids have on Jennifer Aniston.

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            I was telling a co-worker today how after my XH and I got married so relatively quickly people would ask “So, when did you meet? And when did you get married?” And on hearing the answer, they would look to see if I was “showing” yet. After a couple of years, it was “You’ve been married HOW long? How come you don’t have any kids yet?”

            STAY OUT OF MY GODDAMN UTERUS YOU FREAKS!

          • Thiazin Red

            There is a benefit to having been consistently anti-children since I was 5 or so. No one in my family expects me to produce any.

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            Then there’s also what my mom said when I told her my XH and I were planning on having another one. “Why would you want to do that? You’ve already BTDT.”

            Er…okay?

    • Markuserektus
  • Alexander Stallwitz

    I hung around because of the ponies memes because I figured that anyone who loves Pony is good people. I dont regret this choice

  • Something I love about Wonkette?

    The low key Star Trek references like ‘Quatloos’, ‘Tranya’, and ‘Charming Negress’.

    • Spurning Beer

      Also “E Plebista!”

  • AnnieGetYourBrad

    Oh, and some nights, people post music videos every 0.000036 seconds for some reason. I think Evan started it, Brad. It must have been Evan.

    • sw19womble
    • JVisconti

      I’ve long suspected that Evan is actually every poster here. besides you and me of course.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Evan is Spartacus.

        • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

          I’m Evan, and so’s my wife!

      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        I am Spartacus Evan.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot
    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Unfortunately I’m not a superhero so asking my congresspeople to support investigations and stuff is all I can do (sometimes not even that because I have anxiety).

  • Wonkette: It’s just ponies and baby pics all the time. At least, that’s what I need right now.

  • msanthropesmr
    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      Beany update. Not sleeping. Waiting for treats.

      FIFY ;)

    • Rick Hill

      Is your pup, ok?

      • msanthropesmr

        When I say he’s not sleepin, I just meant right at that second. Which is unusual.

    • gaybymml96

      Play with him for a bit – get him exhausted. That’s a sure fire way to get them to sleep (sorry, I don’t know if you’ve done it – if yes, then disregard :) )

      • Rick Hill

        Ahhh. Just use some Doggie Downers. Works everytime

        • gaybymml96

          Illegal here bro … :D

          Believe me, I wish I had those – I have my eye on particular dog who’d need it.

    • efoveks

      Sqeeee!

      I just wanna go rub his tummy!

  • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

    OB (that stands for Off Brad): As Wonkette says, “Whoa if true.”
    Also too, as Cally says, tell us more Crooks and Liars linky:

    But Dmitri Alperovitch, employed by Crowdstrike, the security firm hired by the DNC and Clinton campaign to come in and deal with the hack, begs to differ, and he’s got the goods to prove it.

    Right out of the gate, Alperovitch tells Wolf Blitzer that his firm “did catch the Russians in the act when the DNC hired us back in May.”

    He continued to explain, “We deployed our technology and we watched these adversaries for a number of days and weeks as we were preparing to kick them out.”

    “We deployed our Falcon technology and picked up a trace of these two attackers. We saw them going after e-mail community servers, stealing e-mails from the DNC for a period of nine months going back to 2015, and then going after sensitive documents that the campaign was preparing on Donald Trump and other Republican candidates that were running for the primary,” Alperovitch explained.

    Those “sensitive documents” included the entire opposition research file on Donald Trump, as well as other emails which were subsequently published to Wikileaks.

    Alperovitch also pooh-poohed John Bolton’s ridiculous “false flag” theory.

    “You can never discount that, but the evidence here is overwhelming. We looked at all the forensic evidence, we had the FBI and the intelligence community confirm it publicly in October, independently, that they believe the Russians were behind the attack,” he said.

    http://crooksandliars.com/2016/12/cybersecurity-expert-we-caught-russia-act

    • Résistance Land Shark
      • Beanz&Berryz

        Ummm… Is that a real Trump tweet???

        • gaybymml96

          It’s Requin’s favorite thaang – fake Trump Tweet Generator

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Hah – can’t totally fool me outright!

        • Résistance Land Shark
    • Rick Hill

      Yeah, remember how it was a huge cheat that Hillary was supposed to have access to all the questions before teh debates and that at one she had a hidden monitor as well as an ear piece? Yeah, need to make sure our candidates are both honest, amirite?

  • gaybymml96

    I love you Wonket, I MEAN WONKETTE!

    Ahhh… how is everyone’s day?

  • Bill Diaz

    Sarah Palin DID say ‘All of them, any of them that have been in front of me all of these years’, but didnt say ‘Katie’ (@20 secs). Is that the distinction?

    Have a great day!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Play it again, Sam.

  • Shucky Ducky
  • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

    Greetings, Brad The Redacted! I am Kiri, Wonkette’s resident unicorn and amateur astronomer! It is likely that I will at some point invite you to commit indecent acts with me. This should not be a cause for panic, as I only do that to people whom I think can roll with the joke and I am entirely mythical, also too!

  • Thiazin Red

    I found this site because I wanted to read Off the Menu, but stayed for the other stuff.

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    It’s true, some of our jokes are too mean. But just as many are not mean enough. So, in the aggregate, it’s just the right amount of mean.

    • Shan the Wonky Woo

      I was told there would be no math.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        It’s so on the final.

        • BigBoppa pour la résistance

          That’s a bad sine.

        • Shan the Wonky Woo

          I need proof.

          • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

            About 80 proof would be about right.

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            What’s wine? I only have wine.

          • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

            less than 30, usually. But wine’s good, too. I just have a hankerin’ for some bourbon.

      • efoveks

        Ha Ha Ha We lied.

    • AnnieGetYourBrad

      The average is the mean, then?

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

        Don’t get me started on the standard deviations around these parts..

        • gaybymml96

          What about the errors?

        • Vecchiojohn

          The standards of deviance have deteriorated appallingly around here lately.

        • Instead of asking each other “what’s your sign?” We say “What’s your sigma?” Or was it stigma? I forget.

          • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

            We’re sort of sick stigma black belts.

          • I see what you did there!

          • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

            Apparently, you’re the only one. I’m guessing no one likes quality humor.

          • I like complicated humor that makes me think, I mean drink. Then again, I’m weird. And I’m not sure how many people out there know about “six sigma”. I only know about it from my programming experience and I didn’t know they gave “belt levels” until your joke!

          • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

            Oh yeah, if you have a QA or QE organization of some sort, someone at or near the top has been to a Six Sigma Black Belt seminar or three.

          • efoveks

            SICK SIGMA!

          • Only the highest quality sickos here

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      A prime number?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Somebody ought to warn Brad about being careful about what gif’s he posts. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5e52da3fed0b8de187e2dea2b23bef2de6cee860389b1cbcf3d0c4161360a9b4.gif

    • Msgr_Moment

      Invisible Chris Christie.

      • sw19womble

        Katrina Pierson was up there looking for a job today.

        And at Trump Tower.

        • therblig

          did they count the silverware afterwards?

  • Suse

    Oh, FFS!

    Oklahoma may require public restrooms in restaurants, hospitals, public schools, hotels and nursing homes to post signs with anti-abortion sentiments as part of a drive against the procedure.

    The state’s board of health was due to discuss Tuesday regulations that would force any restrooms in buildings regulated by the Oklahoma Health Department to carry signs that state:

    There are many public and private agencies willing and able to help you carry your child to term and assist you and your child after your child is born, whether you choose to keep your child or to place him or her for adoption. The State of Oklahoma strongly urges you to contact them if you are pregnant.

    The stipulation could cost affected businesses and organizations an estimated $2.3 million and would require them to put up the signs by January 2018, The Associated Press reported Tuesday.

    Anti-abortion group Oklahomans for Life pushed for the June passage of the bill containing the sign provision. Known as the “Humanity of the Unborn Child Act,” the legislation requires the state to work toward “achieving an abortion-free society” through information material, public service announcements and other media.

    • msanthropesmr

      Yep. Party of limited government strikes again.

      • Rick Hill

        Soon the only thing government will be able to effectively do is intrude in your personal business.

      • efoveks

        As in, “we limit research especially, also too.”

    • WomanInTheResistance

      But this would be disinformation material. Because helping you after the child is born? Not so much.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Wellll.. helping the little Miss out to the curb with her nasty little brat…

    • Msgr_Moment

      Talk about half-assed! Every commercial product sold in these here United States should boast a cartoon fetus, bigger than life, with a thought ballon coming out of its gills, saying HELP ME! HELP ME!

      • Courser

        Also should be at the stage where it has a tail.

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      That’s some crazy ass shit, so I’m not trying to one up you, just going with the “oh FFS” theme:

      AG Ken Paxton: Texas public school in violation of ‘Merry Christmas’ law after removing Bible verse

      “Texas Attorney Gen. Ken Paxton is not happy over a school district’s decision to remove a biblical verse from a Charlie Brown poster, TWC News reports. The line that was removed is recited by Linus and reads, “For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a savior.”

      Paxton released a statement about the matter, in which he noted that having the line removed is a violation of the state’s Merry Christmas Law, which was adopted in 2013. He noted that because of the law, schools cannot “silence a biblical reference to Christmas” and called the removal of the verse an “attack on religious liberty.”


      Part of the Merry Christmas Law notes, “A display relating to a traditional winter celebration may not include a message that encourages adherence to a particular religious belief,” according to CBS News.

      http://www.rawstory.com/2016/12/ag-ken-paxton-texas-public-school-in-violation-of-merry-christmas-law-after-removing-bible-verse/

      • gaybymml96

        Ken Paxton – what the fucking fuck is the matter with you – you fundamentalist apeshit?!

        • efoveks

          You just said it: “fundamentalist apeshit”. Nicest thing his mother has called him all week, btw … ;)

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        Wait, there’s actually a Merry Christmas Law? Oh, Texas? Never mind, carry on.

        • gaybymml96

          This is fucking Texas after all. Dragging its population to the 1100s since, well, forever.

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          I said the same thing and I live here!

          Although, according to that article, the law is supposed to prevent encouraging any one professed faith…so what the AG is saying is THE. TOTAL. OPPOSITE.

          Also, why the fuck is the Texas AG getting involved in a christmas poster for a fucking school play? Priorities dude!

          Maybe Panika can explain all this for us.

      • therblig
    • gaybymml96

      but emailz emailz dead fetus benghazi emailz…

      There, all better.

    • Wild Cat

      Way shit’s gonna be, yo, the widdle fetuses (feti?) will be beggin’ to be aborted, especially in the neo-Confederacy.

      • efoveks

        You can still do it in Ohio, but only up to week 20. So called “Heartbeat bill” got the big veto,but this other POS legislation got through (limiting legal abortion to week 20).

        • gaybymml96

          Kasich is a sly little SOB. Sam Bee watches that fucker from a distance. I can see why – jackass dickhead.

        • Wild Cat

          We should establish an “Underground Abortionroad” for proven Democrats stuck in neo-nazi states.

          • Shan the Wonky Woo

            That stuff has been happening for a while.

        • sw19womble

          Classic misdirection.

          • efoveks

            Yep

        • Shan the Wonky Woo

          “Oh, look over here at this super-egregiously unconstitutional bullshit while we grab your pussy with some other unconstitutional bullshit!”

          • efoveks

            Hopefully it will get all tangled up and DIE in a nice court somewhere.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Criminy. Eventually these flat-earthers will overplay their hand and be relegated to the dustbin of history. The question is: Will it be in four, fourteen, forty or four hundred years?

      Since this election proved that America learned nothing from the mistakes of a decade ago. If anything, it seems we want to expand upon them. I’m not betting it’ll be four years.

      • gaybymml96

        Americans never want to be proved wrong.

        • Master Contrail Program

          Does that mean KFC is working on the Quadruple Down as we speak? McD’s does keep bringing back the McRib and proclaiming it an event.

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

          I dont know ’bout the rest of the yew ess of A, but I aintnt bin worng yet.

    • Courser

      That sound ominous to me. The State urges you to contact it if you are pregnant.

      Yeah… no, I do not think I would do that. Next thing you know they’ll be registering pregnancies and following up to make sure babby was borned

    • Left Coast Tom

      Too bad this shit keeps happening in states I can’t really boycott as I wasn’t planning to visit anyway.

    • Master Contrail Program

      It’s obviously different in the women’s restroom. However, about a dozen years ago some group had the brainstorm of printing “Say No To Drugs” with a joint, syringe, razor blade and pills in a circle with a slash through it on the urinal mats here in Florida.

      I don’t have the data for the campaign’s effects statewide, but the reaction amongst my peer group was to make jokes to the effect of, “Well piss on that!”

      Then we’d go do drugs in the parking lot.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Hmmm. I didn’t see that at the Tulsa abortionplex, but then I really had to pee after Obama fed me all that whiskey.

    • Spurning Beer

      Fortunately, the First Amendment will protect the right to post another sign next to it. The possibilities are limitless.

      “That sign to the left? The geniuses in the state house require it to be posted. Don’t believe it. A fetus is not a person. The legislature does not care about your pregnancy. The bible does not say abortion is a sin. Make your own choice, unless you want busybodies and bullies to control what you do.”

      Also, in nursing homes? Seriously?

    • Yr. Gma

      Will they have one on the ladies’ room at every retirement village?

    • Serai 1

      Hope they’ve budgeted in money for replacing signs.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    If my name was Brad, I’d always introduce myself by quoting that Adam Sandler movie about golf, where he says “just tap it in, just tap it in, give it a little tappie!”

    Then I’d explain that brads are like tacks. You know, you tap them in.

    Then I’d nod knowingly a bunch of times at them, and then I’d take a vow of silence and never speak again.

    One time, at Wonket Camp…OH HI BRAD

  • Pinkham’s Law

    DAMN, DOUBLE DAMN, TRIPLE DAMN*!!!!

    I wish I had remembered I Am Helpy’s non-comment on the Canned Clams Shit Fer Brains:

    Next weekend can we have a recipe article called “RAW FLESH AND GMO
    GLUTEN: YOU MUST CONSUME IT”, where the article body is just the word
    MANDATORY in Second Coming font size & an old-fashioned
    tag?

    Would have been the prefect** title for my Carpaccio Recipe a couple weeks ago! What a missed opportunity!

    *Channeling my Dad here. That was the worst language he ever used. If he went full triple damn, it was time to find somewhere else to be.

    **Ford. Of course.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      I use the same rule of thumb in personal verbal cursing when something goes amiss… I only say one bad word….

      Fuck
      Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…

      I just say it alot of times.

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        I have a rule, an overcomplciated one of course. I use “shit-fuck-damn”, because it represents all three stages of a colossal screw up.

        Shit – This thing did not turn out the way I thought it would.
        Fuck – This thing not turning out the way I wanted it too is going to seriously compromise my ability to accomplish the thing I intended.
        Damn – I am going to have to spend a lot of time cleaning up this thing.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          I’m gonna hafta learn this…

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            I have a detailed manual on it somewhere… ;)

        • Shan the Wonky Woo

          My mom made it simple.

          “If it’s just screwed, you can fix it. If it’s fucked…it’s fucked.”

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas
  • notaten

    Well, Brad, all I can tell you is I found this thing called Wonket in 2012, while I was babysitting my alzheimers afflicted father, it gave me something to do while he was watching _4 hours a day_ of Bonanza reruns.It may well have saved my life. And if there is ever a Bonanza trivia contest, I will win, BIGLY!!

    • gaybymml96

      I found Wonkers in June 2015 – during one of my worst moments in life. The steady drip of laughter kept me sane too.

      • notaten

        It was probably around ’15 that I started following regularly, but would check in often prior to that. I liked having a space free of death threats and the the like. Differing opinions I like, but couldn’t handle the horrible comments on other sites. Most people hare are smart, erudite, and not mean. IMHO

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    Many arcane cultural references… Don Martin, Stravinsky, Firesign…. You’ll fit right in!

    • Wild Cat

      “Back to norbal.” Who did that old LSD diary for Mad Magazine?

    • SCTV!

      VONNEGUT!

      DOCTOR WHO!

      OBSCURE CONJOINED TWINS FACTS!

      (That last one may just be me…)

      • therblig

        like why they moved to england?

      • HughinEncinitas

        BAT BOY!

    • JustDon’tSayDittos,Brad

      Monty Python
      Hitch Hiker’s Guide
      I hope you read more than just online shit, Brad. This crowd can be a little hard to keep up with.

      • WomanInTheResistance

        I knew I should have scrolled down a bit further.

        • IOnlyLikeCats

          You guys both forgot Space Balls.

          • BigBoppa pour la résistance

            And Princess Bride.

        • BigBoppa pour la résistance

          At a certain point during these evening threads it becomes too tedious to scroll down.

    • WomanInTheResistance

      Galaxy Quest, Firefly, Monty Fucking Python, the occasional book to make us seem smart!

  • Lizzietish81
    • sw19womble

      Rocky!

      • Msgr_Moment

        Bullwinkel?

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    “Why don’t humans have a penis bone? Scientists may now know”

    So why do we call it a boner? I’ll be in my bunk.

    https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/dec/14/why-dont-humans-have-a-penis-bone-scientists-may-now-know-baculum?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

    • Vincent Ricola

      A+ comments on this story.

    • Yr. Gma

      Brad, some non-commenters here spend an enormously long time in their bunks.

      • HughinEncinitas

        Like, bedsores long.

  • TX Dept. of Brad Relations
  • sweeper

    Please, it’s gooble gobble.

  • Lizzietish81
    • Serai 1

      How COULD you??

  • TheGrandWaz00

    That ‘Pork Chop’ article was included in the final ‘Comments of the Week’ column. I miss comments of the week.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      I just wish we could comment…

    • Yr. Gma

      If Brad would send some money, maybe Trix could hire another human person and get that column back. (Brad, we often get shaken down for a few bucks around here, but we also get pictures of Wonkette Baby, which makes it all worth it.)

  • Rouge Skwerl!

    Brad,
    I come here because Trump ruined 3 a.m. toilet tweets for me. Of course that’s cause bars close at 3 a.m. and I am blackout drunk but chock full o’piss and wisdom. Also “a.m.”stands for anti-meridian, but “p.m.” does not stand for pro-meridian. What’s up with that? How can you have an opinion on meridians without a pro-meridian position? I really don’t know what the world has come to. Happy hour is almost over so I’d better order another shot of Fireball before hitting the liquor store for a jug of MD 20/20 to party with the guys under the I-94 overpass.

    Sincerely,
    Senor Skwerl
    A.C.O.R.N.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      I-94?!?! I’ll meet you at HWY 30 and Fair Oaks!

    • notaten

      Dude! I’ve said how many times, “Don’t go to the underpass with my relatives”, but there you are. Fireball is poison, ya on ya own. Luv ya, but just cain’t anymore!

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Mom? Don’t be so judgmental! Gah! You’re embarrassing me in front of my friends!!!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Just saw this on the Book of Faceplaces:

    *****ASSISTANCE NEEDED FOR IDENTIFICATION*****

    The female in the picture below is being investigated for local retail thefts. If you can possibly identify her, please
    call the Detective Bureau at *PD (***-***-****) or send us a private
    message on Facebook. Tipsters can always remain anonymous. Thank You!
    https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15541142_1310421242314680_7345708520851875441_n.jpg?oh=6d51b075af697c719ff8ed96bccca89a&oe=58F02828

    My response?:

    Go Home, Kim Davis, You’re Drunk!
    http://www.curvemag.com/rowan-county-kentucky-clerk-kim-davis.jpg

    • gaybymml96

      Kim Davis is stealing condums for her next affair with her soon-to-be 18th husband while she opposes SSM for “immorality”

      • Anna Rompage

        heard it was a pregnancy test, a 5th of vodka, and a bundle of wire coat hangers….

        • Résistance Land Shark

          … beef jerky, and a quart of 30 weight.

        • Lizzietish81

          That reminds me of one of the best Halloween costumes I ever saw.

        • Anna Rompage

          I’m sorry, that was mean…. I’ve been away from my Wonketteers for too long, sitting in airports, getting flight bumped by hours and days on end, and my snarkyness has been all bottled up as I’ve been traveling through the mid west…

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            You made me snork, FWIW.

    • Anna Rompage

      Who knew women suffered from male patterned baldness toooooo?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Careful! There is one ‘Kim Davis’ impersonator out there who is actually more evil that that phobic backwoods beee-otch.

      https://i.imgur.com/vvN1gDd.jpg

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    OT UPDATE: I just saw a text my mom sent to me and I wish I hadn’t immediately deleted it so I could show you guys. I am very tired and very sad now.

    • gaybymml96

      Why, what happened?

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        So earlier, we were talking on the Facebook and she started gaslighting me because when we moved to a new city her boyfriend and herself stopped buying us enough food and then blamed it on us for eating too much (there were 4 teenagers in the house and we all walked everywhere, they bought a small amount of food every other week and decided not to buy any more when it was out in three days). We started talking about what she fed us BEFORE we moved and she used that as a chance to say I was lying they didn’t feed us (and went out to eat so they didn’t have to look at the empty fridge). Classic gaslighting. We got into a bit of an argument and I was humorous and classy but she decided to compare me to my father (an actual child molester). So I blocked her and was waiting for her to cool down. Well, lo and behold, she decided to privately text me what she thought of me bringing up actual facts and memories, blaming me for my a lot of my dad’s behavior and eating too much and I literally just finished defending her to you guys. I’m a little bit exhausted.

        • Pinkham’s Law

          I am so sorry you’re going through that!

          • IOnlyLikeCats

            I’ll be fine. I just wasn’t expecting that. I told her if she didn’t know what was wrong with what she said either send it to anyone and ask or resend it to me and I would post it on Facebook for her sisters to comment on. I also told her not to contact me otherwise unless she wants to apologize and tell me she is getting help.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Stay strong!

        • gaybymml96

          Holy fuck. What the hell?!

          I thought mine was bad. I’m so sorry IOLC. You don’t have to listen to it. Stay firm and stand your ground.

        • WomanInTheResistance

          What a ghastly thing for her to do. My suggestion is for you to take a break from her. Because nobody should have to deal with that kind of behavior. Ever.

          • IOnlyLikeCats

            I think the worst part is her mom has literally done the same thing to her and I comforted her about it.

          • HughinEncinitas

            If she wants to break the cycle of abuse, she has to take some responsibility for the abusing she has done. You sound self-aware enough that you will break it and for that I am hopeful you will have a bright future in love.

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

          I didnt talk to my old man for about three years and he was nowhere near that level of dickishness. i hate to hear you having to deal with that bullshit. I don’t offer up hugs often, but here is a giant hug for you.

        • notaten

          I’m very sorry you have to go through all that. My favorite Aunt Mary always would tell me, you always love your family, but you don’t have to like them. Spit in their direction from a long ways away, you’ll be better off.

        • Courser

          {{hugs}} I had a crazy mom, too.

    • Anna Rompage

      Oh, so sorry, nobody likes the sadz…

      Big hugs to you!

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Sorry you haz a sad.

    • Yr. Gma

      I hear you. My mother had only the phone to inflict harm on me, but she used it liberally, and cleverly, like having someone else call to get through the screening machine and then taking the phone over herself. You are you. You don’t need to be her to make her happy.

      • Yr. Gma

        P.S. You eventually outlive them.

  • Anna Rompage

    It sounds like Brad needs to lighten up a little bit, first by taking off his pants, then avoiding all products that contain clanned cams, and perhaps by dropping a few hits of windowpain. Or if he has an aversion to such things, maybe just a little toke of some DMT…

    • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

      Then he will be ready to go around kissing unicorns. I will be waiting.

    • HughinEncinitas

      Dayum, gurl, that would be fun to watch.

  • PixieThis

    But Doktor Zoom, is there really a Santa Clause?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLj3WC7dLGM

  • Lizzietish81
  • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

    OB: More wingnuttiness:

    An anti-LGBTQ man stormed into a church in Tempe, Arizona last Wednesday because of the rainbow flag hanging outside, AZ Family reports. The man reportedly entered the office of the Community Christian Church and went on a hate-filled rant about LGBTQ communities, and using Donald Trump’s election victory as a reason for spreading his message.

    “He said that if Hillary would have won he would have driven right on by the church without stopping,” Pastor Doug Bland said. “But because Trump won he felt he had permission to say and act the way he wanted to expressing the hate that he had for this particular group of people.”

    The man reportedly also made threats to pay protesters to organize outside the church “and spread lies about pedophilia among the congregation.” Trump has alleged that professional protesters are getting paid, however, he wasn’t talking about his own supporters.

    http://www.rawstory.com/2016/12/unhinged-trump-supporter-barges-into-pro-lgbtq-church-and-threatens-to-spread-fake-pedophilia-rumors/

    • gaybymml96

      Oh, so this is A GOOD STORY about RWNJs NOT GOING BATSHIT INSANE?! BECAUSE OF TRUMP?!

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      Replying ot my own comment is tacky, but I like to keep things neat:

      Rev. Franklin Graham told CNN’s Carol Costello that he backs President-elect Donald Trump’s plan to bring back manufacturing jobs because people are not proud of modern jobs in computer science.

      “They don’t want to be a computer programmer!” Graham continued. “They want to do the same job as their fathers and their grandfathers. There was pride in the manufacturing and the building. And we’ve taken all that away and it’s sad.”
      http://www.rawstory.com/2016/12/franklin-graham-pray-for-trump-to-succeed-because-theres-no-pride-in-computer-programming/

      • gaybymml96

        That’s what happens when you hand religious nuts the keys to Government – they like to shove everybody back to 0AD

      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        Better put some capital in buggy whip futures.

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          “jesus was a carpenter and that’s as far as technology should have gone…now let me tweet to my congregration.” – Rev. Graham.

          • Suttree

            It all went downhill after iron, and steel fughedaboutit.

        • Me not sure

          You can’t, they now make whip antennas for M-1 Abrams tanks at $20,000
          a pop. They make ’em in China.

      • therblig

        to echo bill d. burger above: “That is some weapons’ grade stupid right there!”

        that said, i know more than a few, supposedly educated men who think it’s some sort of disrespect if their children exceed them. fuckheads.

      • WomanInTheResistance

        And Graham has built what, exactly? Manufactured what, exactly?

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          A world-class grift mill, IIRC.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            I thought that was his daddy.

      • Juan de Payaso

        My dad was a general maintenance guy in Franklin Graham’s hometown – Boone, N.C. The wisest advice he ever gave me was to learn a technical trade and GTFO of Boone, N.C. Come back to the mountains after I learned a marketable skill, if I wanted to, or move on. I moved on, even though Boone, N.C. is a truly beautiful place. It’s also a town that thrives on tourism – not manufacturing. Unless you’re Franklin Graham and work in the grifting industry.

        Most fathers and grandfathers want more for their children, Franklin. More than working in a factory. I’ve done well and still want more for my own daughter because some parents also think like that. We want our kids to accomplish even more than we did.

        Then again we’re talking about an entitled rich kid who grew up to become a rich, entitled adult who thinks he knows something about growing up poor or even middle class so who the fuck is he kidding? Dude runs a “charity” where he pulls in between $600-800K per year.

        https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/religion/why-franklin-grahams-salary-raises-eyebrows-among-christian-nonprofits/2015/08/18/023ce940-45f2-11e5-9f53-d1e3ddfd0cda_story.html?utm_term=.4e796867d103

        • HughinEncinitas

          I guess he hasn’t heard OHJB’s bit about those who take a shower before work and those who take a shower after. Of course, he very charitably left out those who choose not to shower because somma dem gals like some stank on thur man.

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          aye, the TX dad shoveled literal chicken shit in his youth. He and the TX mom both made a life for themselves in the Army, but they did absolutely every thing they could to keep me out of hte military. They sent my dumb ass to film school, it seems painfully stupid now, but it was the mid-90’s…anyway. Right on.

          • Juan de Payaso

            Yup. I’m retired military and did everything I could to keep my daughter out of the military. The military is a good deal, especially for young kids like I was – kids who need direction or time to figure out what they want they to do in life. It became fun for me and I liked my job, had great assignments for the most part, so I stayed in for awhile.

            My daughter is one of those kids who figured out what she wanted to do before she graduated high school, so we support her in that way. I just hope she’ll accomplish more than I did and I like to think I’ve done some cool things in life.

      • Yr. Gma

        I had an uncle (now having tea with Satan, I’m sure) whose favorite line was “A PhD is too stupid to come in out of the rain.” He worked maintenance at a university where he could watch those wet PhDs standing on the lawn all winter (in California, where it use to rain.) One day I drove by his house, and it was raining, and he was in his front yard trying to get his lawnmower to start. I would have said something to him, but that would have meant talking to him. So I just laughed, And told everyone I knew the story later, including his boss.

      • That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. And I live in Florida, I hear a lot of dumb. Imagine if we all just did whatever our grandfathers did? Take that thinking far enough back, and we’re all still cavemen. And women.

        Which would probably be OK with this guy, come to think of it.

      • SayItWithOtters

        Duh, it’s not socialism when the government owes you the same job your granddaddy had.

    • WomanInTheResistance

      The fact that he didn’t start shooting means that this a relatively feel-good story. And I am sickened by that.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Well, time for The Voice season finale! Billy Gilman has a real shot of winning it this year! Yes. *That* Billy Gilman. I have no explanation, so don’t ask.

  • bumfug
  • Nounverb911

    Poor Ivanka, she was born with a silver foot in her mouth.

    https://twitter.com/NewYorker/status/808827636604661760

    • Bill D. Burger

      That is some weapons’ grade stupid right there!

      • Gosala

        Stupid libelz.

        She knows exactly what she’s doing

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      Fuck me, do I hate when rich people say this….I’m fucking poor and I don’t say it.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Totally relatable and not at all the cold musings of a sweatshop owner that makes 6-year-olds thread together overpriced handbags with their little bloody fingers. She’s just like me and my family.

    • Gosala

      Up fist for the Ann Richards reference

      But there is no sense in which Ivanka is poor

      A pathetic excuse for a human being who looks to use climate change as an opportunity for grift, yes

      Poor, no

      • Nounverb911

        I miss Ann, she would have been a hoot during the election. Same goes for Molly Ivins.

    • Anna Rompage

      Hey, be nice to our First Lady Daughter….

      • Bill D. Burger

        If you should ever meet her, show her that you care for her as much as her PaPa…..and grab her by the pu…….oh, I shouldn’t!

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

        If I wasn’t originally from western north Carolina, I would think that was a strange title for her to have. He really is a hillbilly kinfucker at heart.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Barry Switzer: “Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.”

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        Swiping that. Brilliant.

    • Suttree

      And, I don’t feel bad about her father groping her anymore. Fuck you!

    • bookish

      Clueless executive VP, innit?

    • Fuck her with so many votes.

    • bookish
  • Bill D. Burger

    Oh Brad! We ARE a sarcastic bunch, huh? Still, we use sarcasm to keep from punching people in the face…..but you shouldn’t rely on that as a rule written in concrete. Don’t push it.
    (*PS: If my sarcasm passed you by, I can write it in crayon.)

  • Thiazin Red

    Oh fuck you NYT, fuck you right in the eye. You could see perfectly well that the emails were a hyped up nothing at the time, so you don’t get to pull this shit now.

    http://www.politico.com/blogs/on-media/2016/12/new-york-times-us-media-became-de-facto-instrument-of-russian-intelligence-232588

    • gaybymml96

      I hate NYT solely because of this.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Yeah, the whole “We were duped” defense would work a lot better if you weren’t duped (or acted as willing accomplice) so many times in the past.

  • btwbfdimho
  • Reality Kills

    Mr. Oops for Dept. of Energy!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! What the fuck this man knows about energy? Every pick is just worse and worse!

  • Anna Rompage

    Sorry if you saw this earlier, I just had to repost it for the night crew…

    This was breakfast at the Minneapolis airport..

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/008a34c0e7abc7576d86521e34d36e4e4385bb186899104d67d56e65bce89388.jpg It’s the holy mother of all bloody marys, served with shrimp, a chunk of cheese, a beef stick, along side the delux accouterments, not to mention a bonus beer back…

    The Bloody Mary itself was good, a little sweeter than I like, but the garnish well made up for anything wrong with the mixology that was going on!

    • HughinEncinitas

      A triumph! And a solid choice for breakfast or really any meal.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Breakfast is too damn early for salad, FFS!

      • Pinkham’s Law

        All that stuff is just so you can pretend you’re not having Wodka for breakfast. Nobody actually *eats* it!

        • Anna Rompage

          You need to come to Portland, the garnish is often times the reason why you order a bloody mary…. We’ve made it an art out here…

          • Pinkham’s Law

            A couple of years ago, I decided to learn how to make a really, really good Bloody from scratch. I can appreciate a well made one – it ain’t easy!

        • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

          (but the best part of a bloody mary is the pickle)

      • Anna Rompage

        it was more of an antipasto plate on the top of my cup… Meat, seafood, cheese, and all things pickled…

    • Rouge Skwerl!

      Ike’s is great.

      • Anna Rompage

        OMG, don’t you know it!

    • BeachBum

      Now I’m all hungry.

    • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

      That is majestic. I was going to cheer the freaking required beer back being there, but then realized it was in MN – midwesterners, they take their beer backs seriously. And also often put pickles, meat, and cheese in or on their bloody marys.

      Ok, now I need one.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    Hahaha people on MSNBC saying Hillary Clinton is unpopular… Have you seen her poll numbers now that she’s not a presidential candidate? Weird.

    • gaybymml96

      UGH. STFU MSNBC STFU MSNBC STFU.

    • One of the (many) things I found really shitty about the media during the election is how they’d go on and show her poll numbers and say how unpopular she was without ever mentioning that she has, in fact, been very popular at times, usually when she’s doing a job and not running for one.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Won the popular vote by over 2%, but she’s “unpopular” because the cocktail weenie circuit doesn’t like her.

  • See, Brad?

    This place is a real hoot, right Brad?

    Brad?

    Brad . . . ?

    • BeachBum

      Maybe he went to check his Poly Sci 101 book for some shit we’re talking about.
      Uh, sorry, Brad, just kidding. The bar here is really not that high, as you can see they let ME in !

  • Blacktop Autumn

    Guys, is Brad the reason decaf was invented?

    • Anna Rompage

      I though Brad was the reason why tasers were invented….

  • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

    Yes! Master persuader Scott Adams is back with more of his trademark “logic”:

    “Adams’ latest Trump brainstorm: Maybe Russia did us all a yuuuge favor by subverting our democracy to boot Trump, did you ever think of that?

    “One way to look at the recent election in the United States is that Russia (allegedly) subverted our democratic process to ensure that Trump would win,” Adams wrote on his blog yesterday.

    Another way to look at the election is that Russia did a big favor for the American public by preventing Clinton from becoming president.
    ….
    But this is an unusual situation because their alleged actions look more like the work of a sneaky ally than an enemy.”

    http://www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/2016/12/13/scott-adams-maybe-russia-did-us-a-yuuuge-favor-by-subverting-our-democracy/

    • gaybymml96

      Scott will be screaming for Clinton when Trump boots him out of the country soon enough. Jackass Alpha-Male turd.

    • TJ Barke

      He really needs some thorazine or something…

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Oh, lord. It’s ESPIONAGE. People get shot for committing it! Jesus, just because YOUR GUY benefits from it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a crime!

  • Rick Hill

    No cabinet position or other position of authoritah for Franklin Graham? I’ll be dissapoint….

    • Anna Rompage

      There’s 4000 positions a president must appoint, and only so many crazy republicans that have been in the news over the last couple of years, so I’m sure he’ll get his due somewhere in the admin…

    • Bill D. Burger

      Grand Inquisitor?__ Or Chief Graham Cracker!

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Nobody expects the American Inquisition. No. Literally. Nobody expects that.

        • Bill D. Burger

          It’ll be a “Kinder & Gentler” Inquisition than that dust up in Salem:

          http://i.imgur.com/eY64Y2C.gif

        • Foreign Agitator Ron

          Was Joe McCarthy not warning enough?
          Enh, probably not.

    • Nounverb911

      And what’s Palin’s position?

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Oh lord don’t let the devil make me answer this.

        • gaybymml96

          ALL OF ‘EM KATIE!

          • OrdinaryJoe

            ^^ For the win.

      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        Missionary?
        Doggie?

        • BeachBum

          Come on man, it’s gotta be Reverse Cowgirl .

  • Nounverb911

    Jeb Bush has drank the Kool-Aid, I wonder what trump has on him.

    https://twitter.com/JebBush/status/808840271102406657

    • Anna Rompage

      Some lovely ocean front property in Wyoming?

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      *pinches self* This is not normal.

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

      The family is from Texxon, of course Jebbers approves

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        NO! Those fuckers are NOT FROM TEXAS. They are from fucking connecticut.

        “The eldest son of Barbara and George H. W. Bush, he was born in New Haven, Connecticut. ”

        “George H.W. Bush was born in Milton, Massachusetts, to Prescott Bush and Dorothy Walker Bush. ”

        Wikipedia says Jeb grew up in Houston, but those fuckers are not from here.

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          Okay, so Jeb was born here, so that makes him more Texan than me…but it doesn’t mean the whole family is Texan.

          “Jeb Bush was born on February 11, 1953 in Midland, Texas. When he was six years old, the family relocated to the Tanglewood neighborhood[9] of Houston, Texas.”

        • Panika MCD

          and, for the record, Sarah Palin is from Idaho.

        • Panika MCD

          I thought the kids grew up in Midland… or Odessa…? in any case, Connecticut inoculated the suckers and Yale failed to crush Shrub with a keg. other than that, you try doing something to the kids of the head of the CIA.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Yeah yeah, they spent some time in Midland and teh Houston area? I’m guessing one of the posh suburbs where Dubya moved immediately after getting out of office (and selling the ranch in Crawford).

            Still…Texan is a state of mind isn’t it? Lol.

          • Panika MCD

            I am calling in “TEH Houston” from now on. first they stole Sly Turner from the lege so we’re not going to have fun with abacus this year. then they stole my police chief. and I really liked Art.

            I believe they still have the ranch in Crawford. it’s good for the painting.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Dammit, I thought I had you on this one, but Wikipedia says they actually bought the house in Suburban dallas AND makes no mention of selling the crawford ranch.

            I should just get used to you being right. ;)

          • Panika MCD

            but who will get me then? because I’m not ALWAYS right. (do not ever trust me on car mechanics…or anything with “smart” in the name.)

    • Honestly, Trump had Jeb pegged. He really is low-energy, weak, and sad. (Plus he has all the personality of wet cardboard. Say what you want about W., but at least people wanted to drink beer with him. No one envisions drinking with Jeb.) Rolling over was only a matter of time for him.

      • Vincent Ricola

        This. Trump just stole jokes that liberals had been making for years about Jeb! and used them in the Republican primary. Jeb has and will always suck.

        • Being the suckiest Bush is a hard job, but someone has to do it.

          • ahughes798

            Is Jeb the one involved in the Silverado Savings and Loan debacle? Because if he was, he is.

          • It was Neil that got most of the heat for that, I believe. But Jeb and George H.W. were involved as well.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Sorry.. I’m getting hung up on Trump pegging Jeb…

    • BeachBum

      ” A good oil man and accomplished oil exec who will serve our country, Russia, well, as new Minister of Oil.” Black Gold ! Texas Tea ! Yee Haw !

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Somebody get that guy a dictionary! “Good” man. “Accomplished Leader.” Serve “our” country “well.” I think those words do not mean what you think they do.

    • Vagenda and Tiara

      I picture Romney quietly sobbing in a beer somewhere. He must be livid that Trump was just toying with him.

      Christ, how dumb was he that he actually believed that Trump was going to give him a job?

      • WomanInTheResistance

        Probably a root beer – Romney is very Mormon. And dumb as a fencepost.

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          fencepost libelz!

          • WomanInTheResistance

            Well, I was going to say dumb as a sack of hair, but considering our president-elect, I thought it might land me on some sort of watchlist.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            If you ever check your Disqus notifications, you can email me.

          • WomanInTheResistance

            I thought I had tried this already, but the ways of the Disqus are mysterious. If you check your notifications, and are at all interested, you can email me.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            I emailed you, but it’s a yahoo account, so it may be in your junk folder….pipegroup (at) yahoo (dot) com

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Also too, if I don’t answer, it’s cause I started drinking early today…I’ll get back to you. ;)

        • Vagenda and Tiara

          I’m surprised Trump didn’t publicly give Romney a wedgie. For once I’m kind of enjoying Trump’s immaturity. I knew he was just screwing with Romney, and showing the GOP he could make him dance.

    • Panika MCD

      something that Billy Bud told him? or that his son, George Prescott Bush, publicly supported Trump so it’s whatever he had on George P. by extension?

    • Brendan_M

      He resigned from his corporate boards before running his low-energy and sad! presidential campaign. Perhaps he wants an Exxon job, like Rice and Gates, who suggested their boss to Trump.

  • Nounverb911

    Low energy sad sad Paul Ryan is opening for drumpf in Wisconsin, I bet drumpf makes Ryan wear a ‘cheese-head’.

    https://twitter.com/samsteinhp/status/808842332858712064

    • Anna Rompage

      I wouldn’t be surprised if Dullard made Ryan go out in brown face and a cheese-head sombrero (yes they do have those too), and had some of his secret service agents chase him around and play like they were INS….

      • Résistance Land Shark

        “Ooooo! Good one!”
        — Kellyanne

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Vagenda and Tiara

      Real man of principles that Paul Ryan is. I hope they all stick to Trump just as hard as they stuck with Bush (George who?) after his ratings plunged to 20% at the end of his term.

    • TJ Barke

      Repukes are all so fucking spineless.

      • Walter De La Résistance

        They all look alike to me: 💩

  • Nounverb911

    He seems nice. Sheriff Dave is at it again.
    https://twitter.com/jessieopie/status/808825900443779072

    • Nounverb911
      • Vagenda and Tiara

        I checked into getting one of those $20 an hour protest jobs, and can’t find them anywhere. Why aren’t they on Craigslist?

        • Brendan_M

          The good jobs for the 800 million Muslim illegals Obama is importing, BLM/ISIS thugs, and white liberal cucks aren’t on Craigslist. There’s a pre-loaded app on your Obamaphone that will direct you to Jewlluminati orientation centers underneath your local Wal-Mart. If you kept up on your Saul Alinsky readings you’d know this.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            It’s all in the newsletter.

          • Vagenda and Tiara

            Damn it, why can’t I just be a lazy liberal? Why is so much work involved, and so many secrets!

          • Brendan_M

            I know, it is hard, but if you put in the work you get endless Soros bucks and all the “pizza” you can “eat”.

      • Résistance Land Shark

        Ya see? This is why I come to Wonkette …. to find out how to get some of that sweet, sweet Soros funding!

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Yep. The full weight of the Federal Government should be used to investigate protests. It’s truly The American Way.

      • Walter De La Résistance

        They make shit up like it’s a bodily function.

      • Foreign Agitator Ron

        I liked him better when he was with his old band. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoRLIJJSG4o

    • xy

      sherf clarke is a real asshole and i hope he dies of getting voted at.
      (i know we’re not supposed to say things like that but this fucking guy is just so shitty)

      • Pinkham’s Law

        I don’t care what he dies of, as long as it’s alone and unloved. And, preferably, he knows it’s coming, but has little time to contemplate it.

        • Foreign Agitator Ron

          Nah, I want him to see it coming, step by step, from over the horizon, while he rails against it in total futility.

    • gaybymml96

      What pitchforks? Do those numbskulls use their own hands?

    • Bill Diaz

      As soon as the makers of Rascal scooters put a ‘Pitchfork and Torch’ attachment on those vehicles, this country is doomed.

      Have a great day!

  • Gosala

    Sometimes something adorable is necessary to deal with the derp.

    https://youtu.be/zeoT66v4EHg

    Goodnight, wonketeers

    • gaybymml96

      Good night…

    • WomanInTheResistance

      Sleep well.

  • TJ Barke

    Dok was fully assimilated into the herd. Because resistance is futile.

  • WomanInTheResistance

    Brad, you need to know that we sometimes post songs just because. In order not to distract from the rigorous dedication to staying on topic, we will signal so with O/T. For example –

    O/T

    https://youtu.be/WhPvJOnHotE

  • Anna Rompage

    Okay, I’m off to make some dinner!

    This will be my first home cooked meal since Thursday, and I can use a break from the Wisconsin brats, Kroll’s prime hoagies, deep fired cheese curds, and all things covered in gravy…

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      “I can use a break from the Wisconsin brats, Kroll’s prime hoagies, deep fired cheese curds, and all things covered in gravy…”

      Really?

      • Anna Rompage

        Well, let me rephrase that…

        My belly and GI track in general can use a break from foods void of vegetables…

        If I could eat those things daily, along with tacos, without feeling ooky, I totally would

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          Fair enough – I LOVED brats and philly cheese steaks and gyros and hot dogs when I lived in chicago…but my digestive system did not.

          • Anna Rompage

            Totally!

            It’s almost as good as having a taco truck on every corner!

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            I have actually never visited a taco truck ehre…there’s plenty of actual real mexican food places. Just today I had to take the TX mom to pick her car from the mechanic – she got decent breakfast burritos on the way home…in fact there’s one left…hmmmm.

  • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

    Bill Gates had a meeting with Donnie today. Gave a wintry(?) smile.
    https://twitter.com/ZekeJMiller/status/808740387812704257

    • Nounverb911

      Donnie asked Bill what’s it like to be rich.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      And Senator Chris Coons (D(?!?)-DE) is gonna meet with him and invite him to the National Prayer Breakfast.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Does that mean sarcastic? It sounds sarcastic, but they would have used “withering” if so, right?

      • Jamoche

        Deniable sarcasm.

        • yyyaz

          Proof again of what a passive/aggressive king A-hole Gates is. Despite having more money than most sovereign governments, he doesn’t have the guts to tell off the Thief in Chief.

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      By good time, I can only surmise BIll Gates – who’s actually a smart dude – enjoyed laughing at trump’s 1) “intellect” and 2) “ideas”, and 3) “wealth.”

  • tehbaddr

    “I don’t want a goddamn cookie you reindeer fucking snow whore!”

    – Shiny the elf to Mrs. Claus

    • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

      Are you OK, Brad?

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      Ha! I just watched that the other day…brilliant in its badness, isn’t it?

      • tehbaddr

        Yeah, viewing based on your comments/recommendations?

        Brilliant for that line alone!

        • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

          I’m honored! Yeah I was commenting about it on Sunday, I think.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    How come Ivanka and Melania Trump don’t wear sunglasses more often? Does Donald need to be able to see their eyes unless they are puffy?

  • Jamoche

    https://twitter.com/KeithOlbermann/status/808846556929654784

    “Like a smart person, but not actually a smart person”

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Yeeesss! People have been fighting this because they don’t understand how laws work.

    • Msgr_Moment

      “Like a smart person” in that he possesses functioning lungs and alimentary canal.

    • Brendan_M

      Goddamn it, I liked having nice Rachel Maddow covering nice President Obama. Now that we’ve got a terrifying idiot jerk president again, abrasive jerk Keith Olbermann is needed once again.

  • Nounverb911

    Rudy Giuliani finally admits to the world that he is a ‘useless’ human being.

    https://twitter.com/NYDailyNews/status/808838414997094401

    • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

      This warms the cockles of my cold bitter heart.

    • Bill D. Burger

      [Rudy Giuliani finally admits to the world that he is a ‘useless’ human being.]

      Ghouliani was ALWAYS gifted at stating the obvious.

    • Wild Cat

      Wow! the neo-nazi is with the Queen!

    • HughinEncinitas

      How many horrid toads does one cabinet need?

      • jodyleek

        AOT, K?

    • Juan de Payaso

      And he still has so much more work to do, being the mayor of 9/11 and everything.

      • gaybymml96

        He will devote all of his time to being Hillary’s stalker, I MEAN INVESTIGATORER.

    • Begin Anew Day

      Rudy G. publicly shamed? I cannot even gloat. (Yes I can!)

      Still his shaming only rates a 7.5

      Now Chris Christie? Oh that was a 10!

      • WomanInTheResistance

        And Mittens was turned up to eleven. That’s one higher than ten, for those who do math.

    • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

      H. P. Lovecraft “The Whisperer in Darkness” just sprang to mind. Don’t know why. Maybe the strangely proportioned torso.

  • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

    New nym! Needs work though I think.

    • Panika MCD

      I think the only thing you need to change is the last words. I propose “TX Dept. of Brad Railroads”…though that’s not a Wonkette joke, you and I will know why it’s funny.

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        Lol!
        We were looking for you downthread to explain why, AG Paxton is completely misinterpreting the “merry christmas” law in Texas in re a school christmas play poster (god that sounds insane)

        http://www.rawstory.com/2016/12/ag-ken-paxton-texas-public-school-in-violation-of-merry-christmas-law-after-removing-bible-verse/

        • Panika MCD

          well, fuck. he was on Sen. Ed. in 2013 when that passed out of committee and I was there covering it. Seliger’s vote in favor was “Ho! Ho! Ho!” but it does not in any way cover Holey Babel verses. it literally did not change TX law one iota. it was a vanity bill. TX teachers were in no way banned from saying “Merry Christmas” and neither were students before the law passed which is part of the reason no one opposed it.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            I swear you are an endless repository of Texas lege information…I’m so tempted to see if I can find a thing you DON’T know anything about…but I wouldn’t do that to you. Sounds like you work hard enough. ;)

          • Panika MCD

            I cover Finance, boo boo. I know EVERYTHING. (just kidding, if I hadn’t covered Sen. Ed. that session, I probably would have no idea.)

    • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

      TX Dept of Brad and Brad related accessories?

      I’ll see myself out, that’s terrible.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Tx Dept. of Brad in Accounting (I know he’s an office assistant, I was taking artistic license)

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        I like that one too….putting it in my back pocket.

    • shaar dula

      Brad Affairs?

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        Another one in the vault for later use…don’t wanna give y’all nym whiplash.

  • Daisy

    Done with my final, I don’t feel great, but I don’t think I completely flunked either.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      I believe in you.

      • Daisy

        I’m glad it’s over, at least. I bought myself Italian food after.

        • IOnlyLikeCats

          Did you bring your Guy Friend? Because you should have.

          • Daisy

            I did not, I went directly over from the final. He tends to eat later, and I needed food.

        • Begin Anew Day

          Pasta! How I miss it! The doctor told me to go low carbo and get my blood sugar down and I do miss the Italian!

          So enjoy it for me! And enjoy your holiday break! May Crom give you strength for next semester!

    • efoveks

      BBBBBbbbbbbut …. DONE YAY!!!! :)

    • HughinEncinitas

      You crushed it. You’re golden.

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

        Ponyboy, is that you?

        • TJ Barke

          I haven’t thought about that book since eighth grade…

          • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

            I have a teenager, so it cropped back up not long ago. Great read still.

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      You’ll do better than you thought you did. It’s the students’ curse.

    • BigBoppa pour la résistance

      You know, it’s about 40 years since I was in college and I still occasionally have this nightmare where I show up to class and it’s the day of a final and I forgot to study. It’s weird how the brain works.

    • shaar dula

      which course? fundamentals type or one off.

      • Daisy

        Political Science.

        • BeachBum

          Its a science now ? When did that happen ?

          • BloviateMe

            When we, as a nation, decided science is based on how it makes you feel in your heart.

          • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

            As a enginear inginere someone good at math, I love this comment.

          • shaar dula

            but the meta of these fields tend to be pretty axiomatic. I know what you mean, after spending almost an adult life in eng/math, I sat through a couple of a couple of classes in 2 economics courses, just kill some time afternoons on T&Rs. it was a “culture shock” until I learnt more.

          • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

            Ironically, I studied zoology originally. Took a 15 year hiatus from school and went into engineering. I loved psychology etc. but not my conducive to my brain functioning. Memorization does not work for me anymore.

        • Well, you read Wonkette, right? That should earn you an A right there! :)

          In all seriousness, good luck to you. I know it’s a tense time. My kid is taking his finals this week too, and I’ve never seen him so stressed. You will do fine. And even if you don’t, you will BE fine, I promise. It’s only a test, there’s always another one.

        • shaar dula

          is this something you will need to understand higher stuff? grades are just one thing. but if it is fundamentals, it may be worthwhile to re-learn it on your own again.
          my first sem of UG I didn’t do well in one of the 101 type courses generally not just the finals. The 202 next sem was threatening to go bad. Spent a month re-learning 101 on my own. Aced 202 and all subsequent courses.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            She’s looking to go to law school, so I’m guessing (and I know you didn’t ask me, but I crave attention) the issue is total GPA.

          • shaar dula

            Ya. that is one thing to worry about. GPAs will matter for further studies.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Aye, I had NO interest in Law School till my mid-thirties, which made those B’s and C’s in undergrad the first time regrettable (and the F in weight lifting…I swear to dog, I took a phys ed class one semester, but that fucker was at 8 am and I failed it, I just didn’t care). My LSAT was not bad, but not great enough to overcome my middling GPA from 20 damn years ago. Yet another reason I decided to go to community college. Hopefully all these A’s will help should I ever decide to do it).

          • shaar dula

            contacting profs and establishing relationship with them before apping also helps. a good SOP. In fields like Law and Business real life maturity should count, I would imagine.

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            Aye…I really didn’t think my legal resarch prof liked me very much at the beginning (to be fair, most people don’t), but we got on very well and now she’s one of my references on my resume. (Shhhh, don’t telll the others, I’m supposed to keep that quiet).

          • shaar dula

            ya also try and hook up with profs from schools you will be applying to. read up their papers, ask a question strike a conversation.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      In 20 years you will not remember this at all.

      • shaar dula

        Are you saying Daisy will suffer from dementia 20 years from now? :D

        • Foreign Agitator Ron

          She non-comments here. It’s already taken hold.

    • gaybymml96

      Don’t worry Daisy, I’m sure you would’ve done great. Was it the Philosophy final?

      • Daisy

        No, political science.

  • Panika MCD

    so… did we ever get to meet Brad?

    • HughinEncinitas

      Today we are all Brad.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Brad is Spartacus.

        • Juan de Payaso

          Or the guy who keeps taking my red swingline stapler.

    • Nounverb911

      I think Rebecca was testing us to see if we would behave.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        What is with all these conspiracy theories?

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

          I still stand by mine waaaay downthread.

        • Foreign Agitator Ron

          WHO TOLD YOU?

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

        Hahaha, failed again

      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        When my son was little he would say “I’m being have mom”.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Not that anyone has admitted to.

    • Wild Cat

      He’s with Lumpy Space Princess . . . finally! *sigh*

      • Panika MCD

        this is one reference I do not get.

        • IOnlyLikeCats

          Adventure Time, I believe.

    • Markuserektus

      No, but I hear he’s friends with Ken Bone.

  • Nounverb911
    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      “What does Plan B stand for? Bullshit!

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      Talk about “one of us. one of us. one of us.”

      Sheesh. I hate to body shame anybody, but they look like “royalty” if you know what I mean.

      • georgiaburning

        The Aristocrats

    • Vincent Ricola

      I don’t think it works after they’ve left the womb. :(

    • TJ Barke

      There are many, and they have a plan…

      • Vienna Woods

        Cylon libelz.

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      I just noticed something, you can track the reduction in chin in that photo, like a reverse chart of global temperatures…they appeared to have seated themselves in a linear fashion from big chin to no chin. Eerie.

      • notaten

        That whole family is eerie to me. It’s like they never have any real emotions, except for the joy on their faces when they killed those lions in Africa, other than that I’ve never detected any kind of feeling from any one of that family. Bloodlust is not a good thing, to me anyway.

      • BloviateMe

        And that which has been seen, cannot be unseen.

        Creepy.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      D. Trump: “Office of Government Ethics? Another useless layer of Government interference! Eliminate it!”

    • Markuserektus

      …and after tRump testifies in court on his breach of contract lawsuit, he’ll have to transfer the lease of the old post office over to someone else. A government employee can’t hold the sixty year lease.

    • Foreign Agitator Ron

      Welp, there’s ANOTHER bit of government Donnie will be getting rid of.

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

      Ethics, thats just like a commie gaymosexual plot to keep the man down

    • Walter De La Résistance

      They all look like they’re constipated.

    • Serai 1
    • Juan de Payaso

      Madame Tussauds or the real thing?

  • Msgr_Moment

    And you may find yourself living in a shotgun blog
    And you may find yourself in another part of the world
    Like the alleged Mountain Time Zone. Allegedly
    And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large getaway car
    And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with someone’s beautiful wife
    And you may ask yourself
    Well…How did I get here?

    • Nounverb911

      If you live Idaho, then Vlad the Impala.

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        Private Idaho.

    • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn
    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Amazon’s Fargo – the season with Martin Freeman?
      But it started, and turned out, badly for that character. Maybe a bad example.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Cue Montana by Frank Zappa.
      Replace the car with a pygmy pony.

    • handyhippie65

      watching the days go by, flowing underground.

  • Jamoche

    Someone who’s “like a smart person” ought to be able to get this, even without the footnotes.

    https://twitter.com/billmckibben/status/808791393569243140
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CzlnePmXcAMWmq5.jpg

    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      I love it!

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Unfortunately, (tx FZ) the most abundant thing in the Universe is not hydrogen, it’s stupidity.
      Even good leaders have to exploit and manipulate stupidity.

    • yyyaz

      Damn! Just posted this linky to the simple proof above. https://skeptoid.com/episodes/4549

  • notaten

    OT: Did you guys know that lockjaw was still a thing, in the 21st century? I did not, until I just got off the phone with my neighbor, her husband is right now in the hospital, with lockjaw! Actually, I think it’s tetanus, but still! He was really sick day before yesterday when I talked to him, and I jokingly said he probably last had a tetanus shot in 1971, when he got out of the Army, I said you probably just got lockjaw or something. Well, he actually DOES have lockjaw, and he did actually have his last tetanus shot in 1971! He is really ill, in ICU. I did not know this was a thing, in the 21st century!

    • TJ Barke

      It will be a very common thing in Trumpmerica.

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        Just like the polio and the plague.

        • TJ Barke

          And hate crime.

          • Sedagive

            And geocentrism.

          • Foreign Agitator Ron

            Is there a vaccine for that we can refuse to take? Asking for a… well, not friend as such.

        • gaybymml96

          And measles.

        • notaten

          New Mexico has 4 or 5 cases of plague every year. We also get TB, Hanta virus, and whooping cough.

    • Pinkham’s Law
    • Markuserektus

      Tetanus lives in the soil near you…

    • shaar dula

      well I’m never going to tell you when I’m sick. :D

      • notaten

        Hey, in my defense, I told him to go to the fucking doctor, as did his wife, so short of knocking him unconscious, I don’t know what else I could have done. Oh, but he hasn’t heard the end of this from me!

    • Vienna Woods

      Lock jaw is tetanus. I got my tetanus booster last spring be a useful I don’t want to die in agony.

      • notaten

        I last had a tetanus shot about 12 years ago, I’m going to go get a booster tomorrow.

        • Vienna Woods

          DO IT!! Then get a shingles vaccination.

  • memzilla Ω
    • gaybymml96

      It fell out of favor – just like dignity, decency for fellow humans etc…

    • Pinkham’s Law

      So, he doesn’t always do satire?

    • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

      Homeschooling (liberalized by Reagan, before him it was very, very difficult to homeschool) has been a pillar of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.

      • calliecallie

        Hence, Betsy DeVos for Education Secretary.
        I was recently in the capital that bastion of liberal democracy, Boston, Taxachusetts, and saw the sight of the first public school in America. The Adamses, Ben Franklin, etc., went there. And Massachusetts schools are still the best in the country, I’m told. Really, this says it all. The More You Know, The More You Vote Left.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    Hi, Brad. My favorite color is blue … which is for assholes, just ask my wife.
    I was looking for something — or there was a link — about a year ago as the world seemed to be improving rapidly. [too good to be true]. Started commenting last week, the interaction makes it more addictive.
    Also must have daily fix of Babby, who runs for Big Sister in 2060, 30 years into the recovery from the Alt Reich.

    • WomanInTheResistance

      Welcome. You clearly understand that DR is the one thing that unites us.

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        Please excuse the stoopid — DR?

        • Foreign Agitator Ron

          Donna Rose, aka She Who Must Be Obeyed, aka Scary Lion who we cannot even.

          • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

            Don’t forget Heiress to the Kingdom of Wonk.

        • WomanInTheResistance

          The babby. Who is cute as the Dickens for real.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Brad is gonna be a famous WonkStar if he evar comes out…

  • Daisy

    Embarrassing story from earlier today: My roommate couldn’t open her nail polish bottle, so she asked me to help. I attempted to open it, and failed miserably. She decided that I should see if guy friend was in, so he could try. He opened it without any problems.

    • TJ Barke
    • shaar dula

      well my friend used to say women use men as adjustable wrenches. he also said mother is the necessity of invention.

    • BigBoppa pour la résistance

      Between that and effective spider removal skills, he may just be a keeper.

      • Daisy

        Eh, I don’t need spider removal skills, I have those myself.

    • gaybymml96

      What a handyman. :D

      • Daisy

        He just gave us the “really?” look after. He wasn’t very quick about getting to the door, so my roommate was like get out here, dude, and his response: “Hang on, I gotta put on pants.”

        • gaybymml96

          DAMN DUDE DAMN.

          • Daisy

            One time a girl from our floor saw him outside, and told him it was the first time she’d seen him in a shirt.

          • gaybymml96

            I think you’ve got competition.

          • Daisy

            I don’t think he knows her name, since we still don’t know who said that.

          • gaybymml96

            I don’t think it works like that. :/

          • Daisy

            It’s been a month, trust me, we would know. He barely talks to the girls on the floor that aren’t me and my roommates.

          • shaar dula

            that’s a sure sign that he’s seriously interested in you or one of your roommates :D

          • Daisy

            Definitely me or fav roomie, then. The other is minimal interaction, plus she has a boyfriend.

        • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

          Fortune favors the bold

        • WomanInTheResistance

          Hmmmmm, not sure if he’d fit in around here.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      True and completely inexplicable. Women deal with just as many containers.

    • Rick Hill

      This. It’s called a rubber husband. Get one. Also, don’t go looking on the interwebs for one. They have other devices in that search that you’re too young to be looking at.
      http://thegardeningcook.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/jaropeners-500×258.jpg

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        The TX mom has arthritis – when I’m not available, she uses a vise grip.
        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/687e0607589a7c4429f4c932624ca34a2d0b240b53fc1b95634ce67acd0feb0b.jpg

        • Begin Anew Day

          My secret shame!

          I cannot pass any chance to buy a Vice Grip tool at garage sales.

          They have a Lock On My Heart!

          • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

            I swear, I’ve known this piece of hardware for as long as I can remember….best few bucks any person can spend.

          • Begin Anew Day

            Too fucking TRUE!

            We cannot let Donnie learn about these miracle tools. He would only think of ways to fuck things up with them.

        • notaten

          For larger jars, I use an oil filter wrench. It’s easily adjustable from jam jar to pickle jar, and easy to use.

      • jodyleek

        So, that’s a rubber husband? Huh. I pictured something very different.

    • Suse

      Run the bottle under hot water for a bit. That usually works.

      • shaar dula

        why do you have to deny us that? for every bottle that goes under hot water, there is a man crying tears of sadness under a cold shower.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      One of the things men are good for. No jar or bottle has ever defeated me.

  • yyyaz

    Ima just put this right here as it is never OT. Simple science.
    https://skeptoid.com/episodes/4549

    • TJ Barke

      LBIERAL CHINEES HOAX!

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        GHINESE.

    • TJ Barke

      This skeptoid place is pretty good. Down the rabbit hole like tvtropes…

  • Résistance Land Shark
    • TJ Barke
    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      How is Bannon not part of the swamp? I mean i guess that’s the DC Swamp, but a swamp’s a swamp, right?

      • Résistance Land Shark

        Bannon is the Swamp Herder.

        • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

          Nerf herder…very scruffy looking.

      • Walter De La Résistance

        Bannon is a turd flushed from a toilet. He finds himself there through a sewer main that discharges in the swamp.

      • Panika MCD

        he’s been part of the Wall St. swamp and seems to be pretty proud of it.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Hedge fund reminded me, a hedge fund master Robert Mercer helped bankroll the PR for all this. He brought in Conway and Bannon. His daughter Rebekah is on the transition team.
      The author missed one: Pruitt gets a big red S, and probably a C.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Looks like a lotta folks are getting a pass on the crazy/scary classification. Pence isn’t crazy or scary? He’s a religious fanatic. Scott Pruitt, science denier and EPA chief nominee? Jeff Sessions, supremely imitable racist fuckwit and know-nothing? He’d scare me just as a local deputy sheriff, much less the country top law enforcement officer.

    • gaybymml96

      Swamp’s looking a whole lotta jungle now.

      • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

        “We have met the enemy, and he is us.”

    • Panika MCD

      how is Pruitt not crazy? I mean, he is from Yokelhoma. and they have active oil derricks on their crapitol grounds.

  • BloviateMe

    If Wonkette is trying to entice the young lad to stay, I trust no one brought up the Pear of Anguish we use for the hazing ritual.

    • Résistance Land Shark

      Shhhhhhh! No one is supposed to know of the inquisition ….

      • BloviateMe

        No one expects it.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    How many years has Rachel Maddow been waiting to make that joke?

  • Jenny

    What a long day! It started off lovely when I discovered I am too fat for my sexy sex boots. THANKS OBAMA!

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly+Fucked

      Sexy sex boots …go on

  • Nounverb911
    • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

      George is a notorious prankster after all.

    • gaybymml96