Morning Wonkers! Are you ready for a fun-filled week of ‘splainering, forehead slapping, and snarky nice times? GOOD, because here’s some of the things we may be talking about today!
Even though the CIA says that Donald Trump received help from Russia to win the election, the FBI thinks that is just poppycock and that the Rooskies were trying to do way more than just get Trump elected.
Don’t tell Donald Trump what he knows and doesn’t know because he won’t believe the things he doesn’t know, so they must not be true! Donald Trump skips his intel briefings because “[he’s], like, a smart person,” who doesn’t need to be bothered with facts, and data, and troops positions, etc. etc.
Meanwhile, Trumpkins have gone out of their gourd upon being accused of what could potentially amount to treason with Reince Preibus saying that the RNC wasn’t hacked because you never saw hacked RNC documents, while Kellyanne Conway blathers about how the FBI and the CIA don’t have a “consensus view,” so it’s clearly false information and the politicization of our intelligence agencies.
A crazy person with horribly groomed facial hair that once served as the U.S. Ambassador to the U.N., John Bolton, thinks the DNC hack was a false flag operation, despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, and that President Obama was responsible. This would mean Bamz hacked into his own party’s computers and released DNC documents and John Podesta’s emails, and ultimately threw the election of Hillary Clinton.
ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson is reportedly going to be named as secretary of State because he has a history of making bigly cash deals with dictators for oil, like Putin, who once named him one of Russia’s bestest friends ever in the history of world.
Rick Perry is being considered to head the Department of Energy where he’ll probably lay himself off (if he can remember how to find it). Oops!
Boeing announced a $16.6 billion plan to sell planes to Iran, which might make tens of thousands U.S. manufacturing jobs if Congress creeps, Donald Trump, or Airbus don’t kill the whole thing.
Democrats caved over a government shutdown to pass a budget and get healthcare for coal miners until April when Republicans will just kick the debt-filled can of sadness down the road once again.
In response to Trump violating the U.S.’s “One-China” policy to shoot the shit with the President of Taiwan, China has flown a Xian H-6 nuclear payload capable bomber over the “nine-dash” demarcation line,” but they were probably just having some fun and letting their nuclear payloads out to get a little air. No big deal!
In case you missed it, Mike Pence wants to block the contents of an email about Indiana’s shenanigans during Obama’s attempt at immigration reform two years ago since it’s totally not your business to see what the government might have done, has done, or could do. Shut up, John Q. Public! [h/t]
According to the Social Security Administration’s inspector general, Social Security lines are getting longer while services are getting smaller, but most of you commie olds already knew your handouts weren’t greasing your palms like they used to, didn’t you?
When there’s an article in Teen Vogue that explains gaslighting, and accuses the president-elect of lying in depth, you’ve simultaneously reached a high point in modern journalism, and a new cultural low in historical depravity throughout all human history.
Obama played putt-putt with Bill Murray in the Oval Office in an effort to con people into signing up for healthcare because he’s a lazy commie who hates America, and wants to drive the country into a hole, bigly. Believe it.
The Obamas have sent out their final holiday card, and it doesn’t even say Merry Christmas! IMPEACH!
And here’s your morning Nice Time, a cheetah cub and a puppy! Take a deep breath as the cute dial is turned up to 11!