As we all know, Donald J. Trump loves him some Twitter. And when he signs on to see what is happening on the Twitter machine, he is able to tap in to all the most interesting news that’s happening out there in the world, as filtered through the lens of whatever Ann Coulter and Greta Van Susteren are wee-weed up about at the moment. Oh, and he sees ads for his own hotels, in case he forgot he owns those hotels and might like to get a massage at one of them.
Robert Mackey at the Intercept decided to create a Twitter list based solely on who President-Elect Trump sees when he wakes up at 3:00 AM for his 3:00 AM phone call — which never seems to come! — and instead of going back to sleep with his Slovenian model wife, like normal people do, he stays up and Plays Twitter for a few hours. In other words, this is the feed of the 40 people and accounts he follows on Twitter, and suffice it to say it explains a lot about why he’s so wrong and bad and terrible and sounds like A Idiot all the time. It’s because he has bad judgment when it comes to choosing pals.
But then again, would you want to miss out on hot scoops like the best way to get Ann Coulter to sign your tits? We think not.
And how would Trump know what sort of presidenting he’s supposed to do that day, if Coulter didn’t retweet deplorables happy to provide him instructions?
And how would Trump know what he had already tweeted that day if Team Trump wasn’t there to retweet what Trump had said so Trump could read it?
Now look, lest you think this is really limiting his worldview, Trump gets all the latest Mariah Carey news from Piers Morgan:
Oh shit, look! Trump was right when Trump said he won the popular vote and it was all #rigged, due to the illegal Mexican rapists! Somebody should do a recount! Wait not that just kidding!
BREAKING NEWS, Donald Trump’s friend Greta is having a crisis! Does she want to do another television program, or does she want to sneak into the mall and pretend to be Scientology Claus, so the real Santa Claus can have a day off to buy Crimmus presents? HMMMMM. Trump should call her and offer her secretary of State probably.
FUCK YOU JOE, TWITTER IS THE FUNNEST!
Trump can have rubdown?
As we said, Trump only follows 40 accounts, and we understand that he is a very old man who probably doesn’t have the stamina to search Twitter for any accounts besides his pals and his family and his hotels. We get it. Olds gonna act #old.
And we’re not saying these are the only sources Trump reads, because we don’t want to inadvertently accuse the president-elect of knowing how to read. It may be that every morning, one of the neck-beards on his staff brings him a veritable ALL OF THEM KATIE-sized stack of periodicals and newspapers that he curiously sounds out until he gets distracted by a squirrel. Maybe. Possibly.
Maybe this is why he’s rejecting intelligence briefings. What does the CIA know that Greta Van Susteren hasn’t already discussed at length, on Twitter? What could the NSA tell him that Ann Coulter hasn’t already retweeted? What kind of “information” could be more important than a sexxx massage at Trump Doral?
We dunno what else to say about this, so fuck it.