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THAT'S RIGHT!
THAT’S RIGHT!

Here we go, ya WANKETTE WANKERS! It’s the night we have all been waiting for! The polls are about to start closing and we will find out whether Hillary Clinton has broken the glass ceiling with her vagina, or whether America has decided that our little 240-year experiment as a free country was LOL, and would rather surrender to Mother Russia. Not that the stakes are high or anything!

So here is your livebloogity thing, which will last about an hour, and then you fuckers are on your own. HAHA WE KID, we are going to be on internets with you until shit is over. WE PROMISE. So!

First polls closing, and we have the first call of the night! Donald Trump takes Indiana! That is not a surprise! Second call of the night: Kentucky for Donald Trump!

ALSO TOO! Bernie’s Vermont for Hillz!

We can also too report that, via MSNBC, Rand Paul (R) and Pat Leahy (D) are keeping their Senate seats. So … news!

Oh, and just now according to MSNBC, 40 PERCENT of Georgia’s voters are nonwhite. Yowza!

7:15: Wanna read a funny while we wait for #news? Turns out a buncha folks hacked Donald Trump’s website today to make it say he’s conceding and stuff. READ IT!

7:30: Polls just closed in Ohio, North Carolina and West Virginia, and Hillz WINNED THEM ALL! Just fooling, Trump won West Virginia and everything else is too close or too early to call.

7:32: Oh, and Rob Portman The Republican kept his Senate seat in Ohio.

7:34: SAD TROMBONE, HILLARY HAS OUTLAWED PRAYER:

beccatweet

7:42Ooh, Dave Weigel with some SEXXXY NEWS UPDATES?

weigeltweet

7:48Hey, you guys, Doktor Zoom has made the wild and crazy prediction that Trump will win his home state of Idaho. #WonketteProjections

7:55: HOPE HE’S PRACTICING IT!

time

7:58: MSNBC has called South Carolina for Trump. Not a big surprise? More polls closing in RIGHT NOW ALSO TOO.

8:00: Hillz takes Illinois and New Jersey and Massachusetts and Maryland and Connecticut and Rhode Island and Delaware and DC, according to MSNBC!

Tennessee and Alabama and Oklahoma have been called for Jill Stein, HAHAHAHAHAHA WE JOKE YOU! They are Trump states.

None of this is unexpected.

8:05: TAMMY DUCKWORTH WILL BE A NEW SENATOR FROM ILLINOIS! YAY! WE ARE FOR EXCITED! She is a badass and Mark Kirk effing sucks.

8:08: Little Marco Rubio #winned his Senate seat back, but Dems kind of abandoned that Florida race for nobody knows why, so.

8:15: Bernie Sanders replies to The Onion:

bernie-onion-reply

8:20: You know who is A Idiot? Donald Trump Junior is A Idiot.

trump_jr_tweet

8:26: Everybody is reporting that lame, fake Democrat Evan Bayh — who made Obama’s life a living hell because the “public option” was “socialist,” has officially shit the bed in Indiana, so … ‘k.

8:31: Arkansas polls have closed, and surprise, they did not vote for that dastardly lady who wouldn’t take her husband’s last name “Hillary Rodham.”

8:33: MSNBC projecting that GOP holds on to the House, so yayayayayay, Jason Chaffetz gets to keep investigating Email-Ghazi!

Also too, if you are looking at Virginia and getting scared, note that WAY LOTS of Fairfax County is still out.

8:40: Aw, y’all are freaking out because Virginia and Florida, do not worry! All will be well! Here, have Little Girl Hillary, back in her BUNNY-AVENGIN’ days!

hillary_mom_tweet

Now GO CALL YOUR MAMA, if’n she’s still with us. And fuck it, call her “Hillary Clinton Eleanor Roosevelt seance” styley if’n she’s not.

8:45: Florida is handily passing its medical marijuana ballot initiative. That’s one way to deal with six more years of Rubio. Plus those bath salts get so spendy!

8:50: Ooooh, Donald Trump is ahead by six points nationally at the moment, per MSNBC. I bet you like that, you are all such masochists. OH WAAAH THE WORLD IS GOING TO END SPANK ME SPANK ME CRY CRY SNURF.

No. We will not spank you. You don’t deserve it, you little worms!

You know what you DO deserve? This mariachi band playing outside Trump Tower!

 

 

9:01: OK, NEW STATES HAVE CALLED AND THERE IS NEWS! Hillary Clinton takes New York!

Donald Trump takes the following dingbat red states: Texas, Kansas, Louisiana, Nebraska North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wyoming. Sorry, Texas, it just wasn’t your year to stop sucking!

Also, John McCain keeps his Senate seat, which is good news for John McCain.

9:12: OK, Wonkette can safely forecast that this is going to be a long goddamn night. Goddammit. GRRRRRRRR.

9:13Also too, fuck off Mike Huckabee:

huck

9:22: Oh, go to hell, Jill Stein.

stein

We know we promised you no more Jill Stein stories, but we think tomorrow is going to call for an extra-special Two-Minute Hate.

9:40: And the New York Times says the race is now 50-50. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh life and your rich tapestry!

9:50: Here, look at this beautiful Somali-American woman, Ilhan Omar, LOOK AT HER! She is about to be a new Congresswoman or something, I don’t even know, I am just grasping at straws right now to keep you from killing yourself and your family.

Oh, she’ll be a “state representative.” BETTER THAN NOTHING, LOOK AT HER.

10:00: OK, Virginia non-shitball counties starting to come in. We may still get to sell you the beyootiful Hillary 45 t-shirts we made for you after all! (WE ARE NOT PUTTING THEM UP YET, BECAUSE HUBRIS AND ICHARUS AND ALL OF THE FABLES. But they are soooooo pretty, you want to buy them real bad.) And THAT IS WHAT MATTERS!

Also, the continuing existence of life on the planet.

10:01: OK, things are still very stressful, but some more polls closed and some more places are too close to call, so go ahead and still be stressed.

OH, and Trump won Montana. But that was expected because Wonkette Baby didn’t voter fraud very good.

10:04NBC calls New Mexico for Hillary, so there is that.

10:07: New York Times election tracker, we love you with the passion of one thousand flaming truck nutz, but also you are making us hallucinate and lose our lunch also too:

new-york-times-tracker

Also, NBC calls Missouri for Trump, so that’s expected.

10:21: OK fine, you can hit your OH SHIT button, because NBC just called Ohio for Trump. Let’s do our breathing exercises, OK? Race you to the Canadian border?

trudeau2

10:27: NBC calls Virginia for Hillz! Fox called it a little bit earlier, but they are being weird tonight and fuck them.

10:29: BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE! Commenter “BMW” posted this map in the comments and it might maybe make sense for what we are going to see tonight.

bmw

OK, so let’s #thinker this. We know now that Hillz has Virginia and New Mexico. It’s looking good in Colorado. And we already know the Mexican Spanishes did good things for us in the sovereign state of Las Vegas.

Now, notice that in this the scenario above, she loses Florida and wins North Carolina. But you can take away North Carolina and she still wins. It would be a squeaker! But Donald Trump still would not be president. So …

Thanks, “BMW” in the comments!

10:35: And Hillz takes Colorado, as expected. That is good!

10:48: Dear Washington Post: Is this Jennifer Rubin, Jennifer Granholm, or Fat Ann Coulter? It is not Hillary Clinton.

colorado

11:00AND HERE COMES THE WEST COAST! Hillary Clinton wins CALIFORNIA, WASHINGTON, OREGON, AND HAWAII. This is all expected, but we need #nicenews right now.

Trump wins Idaho, THANKS DOKTOR ZOOM.

11:05: Goddammit, NBC projects North Carolina for Trump. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Hey you guys, what’s your favorite Beyoncé song?

11:17: Y’ALL, THAT VICIOUS BIGOTED SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO LOST! HOORAY!

arpaio

11:21: But also Liz Cheney is in Congress and God is dead.

cheney

11:29: Paul Ryan is on our TV being excited about winning re-election and how it could be a “really good night for America” with Republicans having all three branches of government and OW OW OW we just broke our hand punching the television in the face. Also, global markets are still going apeshit.

11:30: MSNBC calls Florida for Trump. *DRINK ALL THE REST OF YOUR BOOZE.” Oh and Trump got Utah. Sorry, Mormonpants McSpoiler dude, and also sorry, America!

11:33: And now Trump in Iowa.

11:40 HONEY WHERE IS MY FUCKING DRINK.

So it’s looking bad! Did Evan mention to you that it is looking bad? (Evan was doing the livebloog the last long while. I have been doing … other things.) Now Rudy Giuliani is being charming and happy on the television. Nothing worse than a delighted death-eater.

NBC calls Georgia for Trump. Remember when we thought Hillary might win it? Oh, we were so young then.

11:50: Hold each other. Just hold each other.

11:54: HAHA! GREAT!

popularvote

12:03: Do you need a t-shirt? You need a t-shirt. BUY IT HERE.

stein

12:08: Nothing has been called, but we want to say we love you very much. Somehow, we will be OK.

12:14: Good news! Catherine Cortez Masto, A DEMOCRAT, wins Harry Reid’s Senate seat!

12:20: Not good news! Trump is officially ahead in Pennsylvania. We told you we hated most of that state when we traveled across it on our way to the Democratic Convention. Now we know why it repelled us so.

12:25: Associated Press calls Nevada for Hillary! That is a thing!

nevada

12:40: Remember Obamacare? That was awesome.

12:45: So we imagine the Hillary campaign is thinking about recounts right now. We are for them! They should do that! Nods sagely!

12:55: We’ve all been rendered speechless. Oh, there are words on a wordpress draft that is plenty spitty, but we’re waiting to push the button until all hope is lost.

Mind if we just sit here silently with you a while?

1:20Oh yay these guys are feeling their oats tonight, BE CAREFUL IF YOU’RE NEAR TRUMP TOWER, DON’T GET RAPED!

1:40: AP calls Pennsylvania for Trump! Are there even any states left? No idea! Maybe Guam!

2:00 Hillary wins three out of four of Maine’s electoral votes!
PARTY!!!!!!!

Podesta sends people home from the Hillary party under Javits Hall’s great glass ceiling. He’s cheery! Hillary appreciates us all! They are proud of us!

He is good at giving this speech right now. Hillary is probably a gibbering mess. We should send her a nice love note tomorrow.

2:45 And we’re waiting for Trump to speak at Trump Tower — Hillary has called him, though no one knows what she said — and Chris Matthews says what gives him at least a little bit of calm is our Constitution. UM. MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE ACTED LIKE SHE WAS THE DEVIL FOR THE PAST 40 YEARS.

Hillary has conceded.

Here comes Donald Trump to some ungodly emperor music, this fucking piece of shit.

HERE, I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS. I don’t know what that music was besides “emperor music,” but it was fucking gross, and fuck being sad I AM MAD ABOUT EVERY FUCKING THING.

Oh whew, now that Trump is President Universe, it is time to come together! OKAY!

Also, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Aw, you guys, he is reaching out to us, maybe he will not LOCK US UP now as enemies of the State! Just Hillary, but she’ll be fine, white lady gulags are awesome.

Donald Trump is promising to “get along with all other nations” and double the economy’s growth, and everybody gets a pony, but just no Obamacare, because LOL come on, BLACK GUY!

Donald Trump gives a shout-out to his late brother, whose grandbaby had cerebral palsy when Trump cut off his medical care because he didn’t like how the baby’s parents had challenged getting cut out of old Fred Trump’s will.

FUCK YOU YOU AMORAL AND IMMORAL PIECE OF FILTH.

And now they’re playing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

We will see you in the morning, with a needle in our arm and a drink in our gullet, and we will get through this UTTER FUCKERY THE UNIVERSE HAS SEEN FIT TO HURL AT US.

Probably God punishing us for gay marriage again.

$
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  • Jennifer R

    So are we getting TWO updated threads at once?

    • DainBramage

      The other one was updated at 7:05, stating that it is closed.

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        When one bar closes, another one opens. Happy Election Night!

        • Bigly_Gnome

          I remember when it was against the law to sell alcohol on election day until after the polls closed.

          • FlownOver

            Now it’s mandatory.

  • DainBramage

    Strap in and good luck!

    • Nasty Duke

      Didn’t ya mean “strap on?”

      • Holly Palmer

        Emails said nothing about a strap-on, but Hillary did ask Huma to share a creme brûlée with her. Is that code?

        • M Dubs

          Would it be sexist of me to say that I really hope it is code?

  • Nasty Duke

    I’m down for the schlonging!

    • cousin itt

      I’m up for that.

      • M Dubs

        You up?

        • cousin itt

          I’m with Huma.

          • M Dubs

            Damn.

  • M Dubs

    Just cracked open a bottle of bourbon.

    Admittedly it might have been easier to just unscrew the cap, but I’m on edge damnit!

    • Holly Palmer

      Thank you, first laugh I’ve had all day.

  • is anyone else feeling sick.

    i am feeling sick and i haven’t even started on Rex Goliath

  • cousin itt

    Any results yet from Baden-Württemberg?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I don’t know about B-W but Crazy Ludwig is behind Trump because solidarity.

  • proudgrampa

    Countdown commences…

  • Vienna Woods

    My son is pessimistic. I am confident. Pinning hopes on Florida.

    • Scooby

      WaPo just showed Florida heading for Trump

      • Vienna Woods

        Look at the Florida map. Two tiny counties.

  • Taco Treg

    Rand Paul keeping his seat? That’s unfortunate. His drunken teenage thug son could certainly benefit from having a father at home to teach him right from wrong and help keep him out of trouble and off the streets.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I did what I could, but the guy running against him is an uncloseted gay. Nothin’ you can do in Kentuckistan about that.

      • SteakNEggs

        I was pulling for Jim, but having grown up in LEX, I knew he’d lose. I appreciate your effort nonetheless.

  • Scooby

    Holy shit Florida going Trump

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      NO. PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO KILL ME.

      • Scooby

        WaPo has it leaning Trump

        • A Grumpy Cat

          Okay, well, gonna cry more.

        • Blackest Noobs

          6 counties out of 67 counties…yeah it leans now but let’s see when more counties in Florida produce their results.

          a lil early to blowing a gasket just yet….hold your horses y’all.

          • Scooby

            Whew, they just switched it to blue

    • Vienna Woods

      A couple of counties.

      • Scooby

        WaPo shows leaning Trump

        • Vienna Woods

          That’s what I’m looking at also too. 2 small counties reporting so far.

          • Scooby

            It seems odd they switched it to pink, right?

          • Vienna Woods

            Aaaand now it’s blue.

          • Scooby

            Now pink again. I’m ignoring it all for a couple of hours.

          • Scooby

            Florida just switched to blue

    • Taco Treg

      There are only a few counties counted and as expected, they’re in the north.

  • proudgrampa

    I have the champagne and valium ready for proudgramma…

    • AnOuthouse

      Dose and have fun. The results will be there tomorrow.

      • proudgrampa

        She told me that if the news is bad, I am to give her another valium and call in to her office tomorrow.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I fucking hate living in Kentucky.
    Oh, and fuck you, MSNBC, for having Ghouliani on my fucking teevee.

    • CB

      …but we love that you remind us decent human beings live there…

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Awwww. Thanks!!!!

  • A Grumpy Cat

    PLEASE BE RIGHT AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

    Like I am literally sobbing right now at the prospect of this douche being President am gonna start drinking when I am sure xanax is out of my system.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Be calm! This is what it was like in 2012. MSNBC literally called KY for Romney as their coverage came on the air. For a long time it looked really, really bleak, and then the sensible states started coming in.

      • A Grumpy Cat

        Thank you, kind soul.

      • Droogs

        Please keep talking, I’m also starting to work myself up into a state. I need to calm down. And I live with a damn Republican, so shit’s gonna’ be poppin’

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Kentucky is particularly full to the brim of stupid. I mean, bursting with it. You can’t extrapolate to anything from here because we have teeny African-American and Hispanic communities.

          • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

            Exactly. Some states are red, period. Like KY. Like my home state of TN. It’s early!

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            When you think you live somewhere stupid, ask yourself this question: Did my state, like Kentucky, elect a governor who PROMISED to get rid of their healthcare? If the answer is no, you’re okay.

          • Jennaratrix

            Like MO, also too.

    • notaten

      aaaah, you’re supposed to wait for the xanax to go out of your system! So many questions you just answered for me. (just kidding, I know not to mix too much)

    • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

      I have had the best feeling all day. I know that doesn’t mean shit to you, but everything in me says WE GOT THIS. We are almost there.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I felt the same way all day, and that’s how I felt in 2008 and 2012. Weirdly confident.

        • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

          I was a mess yesterday. All over the place. This morning, I woke up feeling like we had already won.

      • Beaumarchais?

        I’m with you, babe. This early stuff means nothing.

      • AnOuthouse

        I agree. The haters will have enough ammo to keep them going. They’re perpetual losers.

    • mancityhombres

      returns with 1% reporting are not to be trusted

      • BJW

        This should be pasted everywhere!

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    I don’t suppose anyone knows where I left my reading glasses…?

    • willi0000000

      where’s the last place you plan on looking?

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        McMurdo Sound.

    • Taco Treg

      Did you check on your head? They’re always on your head.

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        I actually JUST checked. Not there, but it was a possibility.

    • DainBramage

      They’re on the veranda.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      In the fridge?

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        Nope. Not in the freezer either.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Back of the toilet.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Check the couch cushions. If nothing else, you might find loose change.

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        Annoyingly, the housemate is sound asleep on them.
        Aha, maybe I’ll steal HERS.

        • CogitoErgoBibo

          She ain’t usin’ ’em if she’s asleep!

    • Serai 1

      They’re behind the sofa.

  • cousin itt

    Venus and Saturn are a lovely pair in the western sky now.

  • Joe Beese

    If any of you have access to furry critters, I think you’ll find them the best of all tranquilizers.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I’m drinking sparkling white wine, which is what was in the house, but it’s stupid because sparkling white wine NEVER ends well.

    • Holly Palmer

      The only furry critter I have is my pussy…ah, that is, CAT, to pet. It soothes me.

    • The Farce Side

      My cat is sitting in the farthest cat bed, staring at the wall, because I was trying to login to ad-fewer when she wanted to play. Will have to break out the tune to get cuddles.

    • mancityhombres

      fuck that, I ain’t sharing
      oh, you mean the critters as tranquilizers, not…
      my bad

    • cynmac’s bigly nasty pussy

      My doggie is snoozing next to me on the couch. Just rubbed her tummy and woke her up. Oooops.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Giuliani, interviewed by Tweety, is “proud of how I conducted myself.”

    Interesting definition of “proud.”

    • Holly Palmer

      There should be a special place in Hell for Rudy Giuliani.

      • Beaumarchais?

        There is—with Donny tonight.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Haven’t heard it called ‘conducted’ before.

    • Jennifer R

      Mathews looked just so tired of Rudy.

    • Sean McLaren

      as in “goeth before the fall”

      the long, long fall

    • 3FingerPete

      And 9/11. Never forget Giuliani’s 9/11.

  • Vienna Woods

    Fuck. Peggy Noonan on ABC.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Fuck her wherever she is. Not willing to limit it to ABC, she of the bottomless martini.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I am so mad now that I don’t have a TV

      • mancityhombres

        I am so glad I don’t have cable.

      • notaten

        I am very grateful right now that I only have an antenna so I only get certain channels at certain times of the day. Was just watching ABC but they went off the air, so now I can only see CBS, and I have the sound off so I am only listening to music and reading Wonkette. Perfect!!

    • azeyote

      now i can’t close my eyes – it’s kinda early for that kind of porn –

    • cynmac’s bigly nasty pussy

      She’s on cbs now by canceled out by Bob Schieffer (love him). The Fox live streams on youtube aren’t working so I am watching cbsnews.com/live

  • Jgb979

    Even though this is not a shocker.

    Do you really want to be “first state called for Donald Trump”? This is getting added to the Pawnee Indiana wall of tragedies.

    • Count Awesome

      I see it like they’re like the world’s tallest midget.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      We got called for Romney last time here in Kentuckistan.

      • Jgb979

        At least with Romney you were electing a relatively normal for 2012 Republican.

        There were far less odds he’d get upset about hand size jokes and nuke San Francisco.

  • Shucky Ducky

    Um, are we supposed to be here now?

    • bbayliss

      I am, where are you?

      • Shucky Ducky

        I seem to be stuck in an in-between. I see a light ahead. Who will guide the others?

        • bbayliss

          Lassie?

      • Beaumarchais?

        Taking a hint is where I am!

    • Big Puppy

      Think so.

    • bbayliss

      Follow the person in front of you.

    • willi0000000

      how can you be “here”? . . . i’m “here” . . . you’re “there”

    • AnOuthouse

      No. Get out!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      There is no “here” here.

    • Nasty Astraea

      Make sure your buddy made it.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I LOVE that Wonkette Jr. is doing this live bloog. Indoctrinate ’em young is what I say!

    • Sean McLaren

      “Hook ’em while they’re young!”

  • memzilla
    • Joe Beese

      Dos Equis?

      Just kidding!

    • Jgb979

      Ha even Dan Snyder doesn’t gouge that much.

      Gotta make that money back somehow (suckers)

    • Big Puppy

      Never one to make a buck.

      • Spurning Beer

        He’s pretty much a saint and a philanthropist, running for office solely because of his deep generosity and selflessness.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      I have a $23 bottle of vodka that I may destroy.

      • cynmac’s bigly nasty pussy

        I have some Stoli that I may open. I’m not supposed to drink with these meds tho.

        • Major_Major_Major

          Two nips of Jameson’s and a boat5 load of stout. One nip down…

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      That’s probably normal for NYC but uhhhh shouldn’t that be picked up by the hosts because it’s his party and wtf donors probably dont want to pay for their drinks AFTER they paid for this campaign?

    • 3FingerPete

      Donald is just looking after the average hard-working American, as usual.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      A grifter to the last.

      • Donald E Niman

        And the booze has already been billed to his campaign, also too.

    • Swampgas_Man

      O, this is the final straw– racism, misogyny, rabble-rousing, pfui; but ELEVEN DOLLARS FOR A FUCKING BEER!

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        Not even REAL beer. AMERICAN beer.

        • Donald E Niman

          Meh! ELEVEN DOLLARS FOR A FUCKING GLASS OF HORSE PISS!!!111111111111111111111111111111!!!

          • Bad Hombre Ron

            Yeah, you should never pay more than $8 for horse piss. Not even the artisanal stuff you get from thoroughbreds.

  • Nasty Astraea
    • Jennaratrix

      STAT!

  • Donkey Option

    Hey everyone! Are we here now?

    • bbayliss

      Unless you’re over there.

    • The Farce Side

      Let’s do this!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Only the cool people.

    • Jennaratrix

      I am. Does that count?

      • Donkey Option

        Yes!

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Hey! It’s a fresh new mommyblog page! I haz boxed wine, so let’s do this thing.

  • Where’s that Politico live dealie that was mostly guesswork, but was very comforting? I left the linky at work

  • Oh, I picked a really bad day to not have liquor in the house.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Oh that IS unfortunate. Are you in a state where they’ll deliver?

      • No, I’m in Florida. And I’m waiting on a paycheck — I don’t actually have liquor money in the house right now. I have ramen money.

        I think there are some old beers in the back of the fridge, I can break those out if it gets bad.

        • CogitoErgoBibo

          It’s always good to have emergency alcohol on hand. Good planning.

        • thewendyb

          Good luck. We are all counting on you.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Oh, my. That really IS poor planning.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Yeah, I had to break out the reserve celebratory white sparkler, which is not good, because it gives me a bad hangover. Hoping that’s the ONLY reason I’ll have a hangover.

  • Donkey Option

    States are weird. Ending at 7:30. What is wrong with you people?

    • Joe Beese

      Oh, they just want to show off by being different.

    • Count Awesome

      They’re old and there’s a repeat of “Murder, She Wrote” on.

      • Donkey Option

        I would totally rather be watching “Murder, She Wrote.”

        • Bad Hombre Ron

          Psst, it was the writer who unexpectedly had a new best-seller. Pass it on.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      It’s like how McDonald’s ends breakfast at 10:30am. Just to be assholes.

      • Courser

        We have all-day breakfast at McDonald’s here. I was just there for my Election Night junk food fix. I could have gotten an Egg McMuffin if I wanted.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          Yeah, we have it, too, with limited items.

    • Jen B_VA

      Lots of shift enders get off at 8.

    • AnOuthouse

      Was it Newfoundland?

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I have to do two things: meditate (30 minutes) and go out for chocolate (20 minutes–Walgreen’s is across the street, but I’m already drunk so it might take some time to sstumble over there). What would be the best times to take these breaks, would you say.

    • Jen B_VA

      Now, cause if you do not, you will never leave your computer.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        I think I may skip the mindfulness and go for the chocolate. Same result, right?

  • mackafritz

    Florida is now blue according to the Guardian.

    • Shucky Ducky

      More of a dull periwinkle.

  • Shucky Ducky

    Hi Evan! Now dance!

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    I am still not work and cannot get adequately drunk. You guys have got to help.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      On it! Halfway through the bottle!

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        And you have sparkly, yes? That’s my favorite.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I do!

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Yes, and it’s stupid, bc sparkly hangs me over. Thinking about heading out for beer.

    • Beer #2 is almost done!

      • JH Marx

        Ditto. Plus a few hits.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      It will be okay. It will be okay. it will be okay.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Unless it’s not. *chews knuckles*

    • Pinkham’s Law

      I’m at home and I can’t get adequately drunk without risking alcohol poisoning.

  • AnOuthouse

    My dog just dropped a ball in front of me. Be back later.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Rush him to the vet.

    • bbayliss

      Funny, my balls just dropped in front of me.

  • Lesser Tiffany

    The Guardian is KILLING ME with the red/blue thing on Florida

  • Joe Beese

    CNN KEY RACE ALERT:

    NORTH CAROLINA POLLS CLOSE IN A FEW MINUTES

    • BeverlyCrusher’sWig

      Their “Key Race Alert” graphic is hilarious.

      • Joe Beese

        I don’t know why I’m so loyal to CNN. But it just doesn’t feel right to watch anywhere else.

        • BeverlyCrusher’sWig

          Oh I understand I somehow always end up back on CNN. But the added drama cracks me up. And poor John King who is always glued to the touch screen.

    • Jen B_VA

      Are they doing the wrasslin style drama music graphics?

    • cynmac’s bigly nasty pussy

      The Guardian reports that some precincts are staying open after software glitches caused problems for voters. Durham and Columbus counties.

  • Belasaurius

    Sinking feeling

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      Find some boobs to keep you afloat?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      nononono – don’t let it get to you! This is what 2012 was like. Bad, bad, bad, then all of a sudden – hooray!

  • Cismontane

    Hehe. +24 Clinton in Palm Beach County. Mare Lago being the huge contributor to the economy as it is, and Horror-Clown (as he has been annointed by the German press today) as its much beloved master….

  • Pinkham’s Law
    • Jennifer R

      I saw that movie in theaters twice as a kid.

  • bbayliss

    BREATH IN…BREATHE OUT…BREATHE IN…

  • TheDogAteMyVote

    Just checked two polls – for Florida one had Trump with 63% of the votes and one had Hillary with 54%. RIGGED!!

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Why am I not seeing any updates since Evan mentioned Georgia’s voting demographics? Are there no Republicans to mock? Are there no Gingriches?

  • Joe Beese

    The New York Times numbers are running far behind CNN’s. Hard to tell where Trump’s votes are coming from.

    • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

      Hell.

      • Count Awesome

        So that’s part of their punishment?

  • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

    CHUCK TIDD: BUT LOOK AT HILLARY’S BAD POLL NUMBERS, EVERYONE HAAAAATES HER! IT MATTERS!

    • Lucas Foxx

      Chuck wishes someone somewhere could be more unpopular than him.

    • Jen B_VA

      Maybe they shoulda, idk, polled people voting and not anyone who would claim to be independent? Just a thought

  • btwbfdimho

    Trump won the great state of Kentuckystan.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      We have a county in our metro area, Clackamas, named after a native people whose land is used to be, where we refer to people sometimes as Clackastanis, for a right-ish tilt they sometimes have, relative to the rest of us here in the metro area…

      • Lesser Tiffany

        Oh hello fellow area person. You forgot calling it The Clack

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Hello There LT.. well, yes, there’s that. To the north our neighbors up the there like “The Couv,” but “Vantucky” rings truer for me…

          • Lesser Tiffany

            IDK man, that landscape is changing. They have Waterfront and Microbrew plans.

            I am very nervous about Secretary of State race too :(

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Ya… damn… There is the risk that any statewide Repub gets overly legitimized…

          • Lesser Tiffany

            Avakian is terrible but Richardson belongs in Kentucky

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Which really is another form of terrible…

          • Beanz&Berryz

            So where are you watching this all unfold?

          • Lesser Tiffany

            OPB has a thing for us: http://www.opb.org/news/topic/election-2016-11-08/

            Nothing in yet though

    • shivaskeeper

      Reply from the other thread about KY and IN:

      These are states that would vote for a semi sentient bag of rat shit if
      it had an R after it’s name. And they just proved it. No surprise there.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        well, they actually just did do that…

        • shivaskeeper

          Yes they did. not shocking at all though is it?

  • Joe Beese

    Senior Trump Adviser: “It will take a miracle for us to win.”

    • Count Awesome

      Buy they’re the party of Jeebus.

      • A Grumpy Cat

        I am an atheist but I prayed anyway just in case.

        So if Hillary loses it’s because I pissed off God, sorry.

        • yyyaz

          I’ve been trying to induce an apoplectic stroke rage in every deity that has or will ever exist for more than 40 years.

      • Cismontane

        Not really. Big Reuters-Ipsos poll over the weekend showed that Trump is leading Clinton among evangelicals by +5. That’s +5. Not +50. Apparently it caused some major panic atop the Tower of Babel, erh, Trump Tower.

      • azeyote

        but god’s a democrat

    • willi0000000

      one man’s miracle is everybody else’s disaster.

  • mackafritz

    How does NH count votes? It’s still 32 to 25.

    • The Farce Side

      Looks like the fingers and toes method.

    • Spurning Beer

      That’s the results of the tiny hamlets that vote at midnight Monday. That’s really the total of the votes.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Dixville Notch, the tiny place that gets the most attention, registered 4 for Hilz, 2 for Trump and two for other. Some dumb, slightly larger town named Woeford or something, went big for Trump. One or two other ham omelettes went for Clinton. Polls are still open I think for the rest of the state.

  • Shucky Ducky

    Guardian has Florida turning from dull periwinkle to eroded brick.

    • Joe Beese

      Nevada will be aubergine.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Aubergine… That’s putting on airs, particularly for Nevada…

        • Kooolest G

          it’s pronounced nevaaaahhdah

          • Beanz&Berryz

            That’s certainly putting on airs…

      • So, a dick emoji?

    • Cismontane

      Just blue. Like the sea that will reclaim it.

    • Jennifer R

      Some how Kansas ends up taupe.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Gonna wait to start drinking. I don’t want to be hammered then find out Trump won. Bad things might happen to the furniture and plumbing fixtures.

    • Constant Gardener

      I needed this life coaching an hour ago. Desperately.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I’m catching up. Best laid plans, etc. etc.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Trump won’t win. Can’t win.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      But, would you want to be totally sober when you heard that news?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        True dat. Think I’m go ahead and get plowed and hope for the best.

    • azeyote

      it happened to me with gore – bush –

    • Major_Major_Major

      I’m hoping to be incapacitated enough that I won’t be physically capable of breaking shit.

    • notaten

      Yah, the 2000 total meltdown I had taught me that hard lesson. Something, something chickens something something hatched, but it’s gonna be ok, I just know it. Right?

  • cousin itt
    • M Dubs

      By Grabthar’s Hammer…

      • WomanInAMood

        By the Sons of Warvan…

        • M Dubs

          I always thought it was the Suns of Warvan.

          • WomanInAMood

            Could be. But I shall be avenged.

        • … what a savings.

  • The Bird in a Red Pantsuit

    I’m already worried.

    • Donkey Option

      So am I :(

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Why? Does that help?

      • A Grumpy Cat

        For some is us it’s a default state.

        • ^^This.

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            At the end of this month, I won’t have a job, and if I am not that worried about that yet….

          • A Grumpy Cat

            I’m sorry. :(

    • Beaumarchais?

      It’s not even 8 o’clock! This stuff means absolutely NOTHING.

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      They are just playing us for maximum effect. Right?

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        That’s pretty much been the plan of attack for a whole year, now.

    • dshwa

      Im fairly confident, but I won’t feel good until it’s done.

    • bbayliss

      ALREADY??? You’ve had 15 months to spin out of control, for christs sake I’ve been hospitalized three times…get with it.

      • The Bird in a Red Pantsuit

        Just got back from exercising. Heart still beating fast.

        • bbayliss

          Pleased to hear you have one, keep it healthy!

    • House0fTheBlueLights
      • Grab yer towel!

        • Kateaux

          Methinks a few Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters would not go amiss at this time…

          • Too lazy to mix. Drinking wine straight from the bottle

          • M Dubs

            I have a lemon wedge if you have a gold brick!

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    I ain’t cracking open the ice wine until I can see what I’m doing.
    I may wind up being sober all night.

    • Beaumarchais?

      Try it in reverse!

    • DainBramage

      I buy reading glasses in bulk at Costco.

      • mancityhombres

        3 at a time?
        trifocals

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        I would except my eyes don’t quite match…

  • TheDogAteMyVote

    Heard Don Jr on Hannity’s afternoon codger wankfest urging Florida panhandle voters to GET TO THE POLLS because my dad has worked so hard for you jerks, worked his tiny fingers to the bone and this is the thanks he gets? You deserve Hillary, you losers!

  • Joe Beese

    Remember about FL:

    it’s likely that Clinton will jump out to an early lead. The polls in the western part of the state, which is in the Central time zone, close at 8 p.m. And in both 2012 and 2014, the reported results around that time were close to the final tallies.

    http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/how-to-watch-election-night/

    • Cismontane

      Well.. we’re in the lead now. Just flipped.

      • Jen B_VA

        Wait so Trump had the early lead and now Clinton?
        What does THAT mean, Nate?

        • Shucky Ducky

          No, it was Clinton, then Trump, then Clinton. Keep up!

        • Cismontane

          A bunch of rural counties where gators outnumber and out think homo sapiens came early, Jen.

          Even the northern cities are looking unpleasant for Trump now that they’re coming in. He’s down in Tallahassee, by 40 points. He’s up by 2 points in Jacksonville! Jacksonville!

          • Jen B_VA

            I was making a joke about Nate saying Clinton should have the early lead and not get excited, but then it was Trump who had the early lead.

  • Serai 1

    Posted this next door before I realized everyone was shifting over here:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQvmCzILBfE

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    Help me, I’m drowning my own perspiration in terror!

  • Brian

    /how did Evan Bayh fuck his race up. Ayotte is leading too. I don’t feel good about the Senate.

    • jowgajen

      It’s the small precincts that report first.

    • dshwa

      If the Senate doesn’t fall it’s two years of epic nothingness.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Only two counties in NH have reported, and Indy, Gary, and Bloomington are still out. This is just the rurals clocking in early.

    • dshwa

      As for Bayh, he ran as Republican lite, and Americans don’t like lite anything.

      • Donald E Niman

        What about American lite beer? ZYLLCHH!

    • Bayh thought he was done with politics, so he went for the money thing. Now, that he’s running again, he was caught with this fist stuck in the money jar trying to pull it out of elected officials’ asses. It didn’t look good.

  • WomanInAMood

    God, I am so grateful for Sam Bee right now. Because I just can’t stand to look at the results this early.

    • Nasty Astraea

      Is she doing something special tonight? Or are you watching yesterday’s show?

    • Courser

      I’m with you. I think I’ll just read this here thing for a while.

  • Jennifer R

    Is the updating not actually updating or am I already trashed and not seeing them.

    • Sean McLaren

      The universe is holding it’s breath right now

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Yes

      • Jennifer R

        Everything is cyclical so if I keep pouring on the booze then I’ll tick back over to sober like an unsigned integer right?

        • Donald E Niman

          OOOOOH, I love your computer talk; I’m having an unsigned long moment! Well, not really. I mean, sorta. Erm, I just always wanted to say that.

          • Jennifer R

            Oh baby I want you to write zeros to my boot sector then flash my BiOS.

          • JH Marx

            Quicker than you can say 8086.

  • The Trump “men” were peeking at their wives’ ballots because they didn’t know what to do. They were just looking for a hint. When Melania and Eric’s wife voted for HRC, so did the men. I have it on good authority that Trump can’t read — thank you Samantha Bee — and Eric just can’t think.

  • Joe Beese

    Wolf Blitzer trying to hype Trump having a big lead in GA with 1% counted.

    • YoNastyBunny

      He’s contractually obligated to narrate the horse race.

    • BeverlyCrusher’sWig

      John King with the “nah bro too early”

    • Taco Treg

      I think GA is a pretty safe GOP state anyway. The real news would be that Hilz is ahead there.

      • cynmac’s bigly nasty pussy

        CBS just reported that Clinton is leading with white women in GA, which is why they can’t call it.

  • Claire

    I want to just go to bed and deal with all this in the morning, but if I wake up to President Trump I feel like it will be worse than having watched the ship go down in real time.

    • Count Awesome

      Be careful you may think you’re having a nightmare when you wake up.

    • Holly Palmer

      Agree. There’s an overpowering compulsion to watch.

  • Hijabi Rockstar

    Jeepers creepers, Florida! Pick a side! I’m gonna have a dang heart attack.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Srsly, though, guys, is Evan even blooging? I don’t see anything and I am worried that he has been kidnapped.

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      He done drank all the boxed wine and went to sleep.

    • WomanInAMood

      I kinda hope he is eating, or as I call it, “laying in a base”.

  • shivaskeeper

    For those starting to freak out already: Drop your pack, take a knee, drink water, and change your socks. Smoke ’em if you got ’em. Basically relax for a bit. 2% of a state reporting is not cause for panic.

    • YoNastyBunny

      Yes. And unless their true blue or swing states, there’s no cause for panic. We’ll probably see the “heartland red states” come in and push Trumps vote higher until the lefty westy states start coming in.

  • BadKitty904

    Are we there yet?

    • Count Awesome

      “Don’t make me come back there!”

    • YoNastyBunny

      “Don’t make me turn this car around?”

      Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

      • Serai 1

        SHE WON’T STOP TOUCHING ME!!!

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Murphy is slightly ahead in Miami-Dade County!

  • Beaumarchais?

    Okay, time to panic: no woman has ever won without Indiana.

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Aaaaaaaaand booze time.

    • Count Awesome

      Scotch o’clock?

  • idiotboy

    Poll Place shooting in LA. One dead three wounded. Yippee.
    So glad we live in Neverland, it ain’t real but it is so much better than what is considered real.
    Oh yeah, spent 5 minutes voting in our town, hugs and kisses on the way out.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      Shit.

    • The Bird in a Red Pantsuit

      This is what I was afraid of. LA-Los Angeles? or LA-Louisiana?

      • Sean McLaren

        Los Angeles

    • Jennifer R

      GUnamn is heavily armed and still there last I heard too.

  • DainBramage

    I’m sure Trump is amped. He got WV. Woopie!

  • bbayliss

    FUCK OHIO…just fuck ohio

    • hendenburg2

      Just a general statement?

    • Nasty Astraea

      As an Ohioan, I agree.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    This is my first election and I am trying very hard not to bite my nails.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Not my first and I’m down to the first knuckle.

    • Rip ’em off. Only way to stop

    • Sean McLaren

      Jesus, I’m sorry, they’re not usually this much like the apocalypse

    • Painter of Goats

      My 12th and I’m having the same problem.

    • Shucky Ducky

      Enjoy the democratic process in all its glory!

    • CalvinianChoice

      I’m trying hard not to bite my..whatever.

      • starfanglednut

        Careful. You don’t want blood coming out of it.

  • YoNastyBunny

    I’ve got my alcohol, I’ve got my tacos, and the pants are now off. I’m ready. LET’S DO THIS!!!!!!

    • Scooby

      Good idea, I forgot to take my pants off.

    • The Farce Side

      I knew I missed a step. Ok, pants gone!

      • Count Awesome

        You take off your pants THEN get the tacos and booze.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          Cook the tacos with pants on. Take it from your wizened and chapped elders.

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      Dude I got the tacos, and the booze, but I am stuck in my pants :(

      • Beanz&Berryz

        socially or structurally stuck?

        • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

          socially but maybe with enough booze expanding my waist, structurally too!

          • Beanz&Berryz

            But enough booze also offsetting the social so who knows where things will be.. at least you wore underwear today…

          • snark-lurker

            or not

      • NastyBosGrl

        Me too, daughter has company.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Still in the office, and at home the daughter would be company of sorts, so I’m stuck in pants for the duration…

      • snark-lurker

        butter! Stat!

    • mancityhombres

      is this like a good luck thing?

    • Claire

      I’ve got tacos, alcohol, and my Hillary shirt.

    • snark-lurker

      PIXS or STFU

    • snark-lurker

      yoo big tease

  • Ezio

    Watching Florida’s results is like watching that Cubs/Cleveland Game 7…

  • Jen! YOu have failed West Virginia!

  • So, the stupider states get to vote first, huh?

    • Nasty Duke

      Gotta get to bed early.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Virginia libulz! Tim Kaine will no longer serenade you with his harmonica.

    • Count Awesome

      It’s like affirmative action for the slow witted. Makes them feel.good at first.

    • revenant

      rural, more cows and pigs than voters, not so many votes to count, so quicker result.
      remember too- fewer voters= fewer Electoral College points

  • Joe Beese

    I won’t lie. I’d like Clinton to be ahead in FL with 43% counted.

    • Peggy’s Pizza House

      What are you looking at? NYT shows just 3% counted.

      • Joe Beese

        CNN. I’ve given up on NYT. Too far behind.

  • cousin itt

    Voting systems across Colorado temporarily failed Tuesday amid voting at roughly 3 p.m., delaying voters.

    The Colorado Secretary of State’s Office announced the issue at roughly 3 p.m., telling voters 30 minutes later the issue had been fixed.

    Thanks, Vladimir!

    http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/local-news/election-systems-temporarily-go-down-in-colorado-delaying-voters

  • Pinkham’s Law

    SC: Trump leads by . .. one percent? 0.o

    • Math is hard!

      • snark-lurker

        DONUT SAY MATH!
        WHY SAY THAT?

  • Scooby

    I checked in with the Buddha he said be calm and keep drinking.

    • bbayliss

      Rub the tummy

    • Claire

      That’s just so we’ll miss if we meet him on the road.

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Evan, don’t tease us please.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    There is something weird about MSNBC using the Rockefeller Center ice rink for its projected voting map. Hell freezing over or some other such thing.

    • The Farce Side

      Was really weird when they referred to it as ‘home ice’.

  • 3FingerPete

    Time just serves to make Karl Rove more punchable.

  • azeyote

    trump has won 3 states – clinton 1 – he calls off the rest of the election

    • bbayliss

      Rain delay, I win!

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      For him, that’s enough. He knows where he needs to send his storm troopers. Trumplandia coming soon!

    • Donkey Option

      I keep expecting his victory speech since he clearly doesn’t understand how any of this works.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      That’s mitchellvii’s job.

  • Big Puppy

    I can’t keep up. I’m just going to drink and upvote.

  • Brian

    does the NC call include the early votes already? If not, when do they drop?

    • Jen B_VA

      I really wish they would not release ANY numbers until the entire state is in.
      Would be for a longer night but would be better methinks

    • CripesAmighty

      Dunno.

  • DainBramage

    OK, I had a shot of scotch. No more until I eat some dinner.

    • Joe Beese

      Do you want to live forever?

      I’m somewhat beclouded already. By the time Hillary gives her victory speech, I’ll need reminding who she is.

      • DainBramage

        I hardly drink at all normally. So more than 1 is a big deal.

        • idiotboy

          You are a good person and do not deserve the moniker you gave yourself. One drink, off to the races.

          • DainBramage

            We’re good enough, we’re smart enough and doggone it, people like us.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        The smart blonde grandma…

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Taco Tuesday! Do it!

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        I ate my taco!

    • idiotboy

      A friend told me long ago, “do not ruin a $50 buzz with a $10 meal”. The prices have gone up but sentiment remains.

  • limberrat
    • Antonin Dvorak

      Wow.

    • revenant

      how interesting- he’s using the album jacket of “In The Court Of The Crimson King” as his Twitter background

  • CripesAmighty

    ruh-roh. NCs descent into dumth is nearly complete.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      One coastal county and that is it. Triangle, CHA, Greensboro, etc. aren’t here yet.

      • Jennifer R

        Don’t forget asheville. We keep the state Weird.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Cmon Raleigh! Not to mention the Durham hiccup.

  • Tallmutha

    At this point, I believe everything and nothing.

  • Shucky Ducky

    Oh thanks, Guardian. Everything just went cherry cough syrup and milk puke colored.

  • Sean McLaren
    • AnnieGetYerFun

      The more diluted the solution, the more powerful it is, right?

      • shivaskeeper

        0.6% is not diluted enough.

    • Joe Beese

      SURGE! SURGE!

    • M Dubs

      Sure, scientific studies have shown that homeopathic elections don’t work and can even harm the candidate, but Jill Stein has tons of anecdotal evidence to suggest otherwise.

  • NastyBosGrl

    Gingers with college degrees and extended bed pickup trucks: Trump 59%. Short women with post doctoral degrees in horticulture: Clinton 97%.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Extended cab, I think…

      • NastyBosGrl

        Yeah, that’s right. I’ve got a few glasses in me…

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Well, and then there’s a BosGirl talking pick-up trucks…

    • idiotboy

      Sorry, but you can take a whore to culture etc.
      Not an opinion, just a great quote.

  • bbayliss

    ohio does not matter

    • Jen B_VA

      It all matters.
      Especially if we get close in R strong holds. Because with a little work we will do better next time

      • bbayliss

        Stop being right, you’re fucking with my delusion.

  • yyyaz

    WTF kinda college degrees do they hand out in Ohio? 53% for Shitgibbon.

  • WomanInAMood
  • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

    MSNBC: The theme tonight is “WHAT WILL THE BROWN PEOPLE DO?!”

  • Ezio

    On the off chance we have some British wonkette users: I now know how you felt during Brexit.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Oh they’re even more sorry than you know. https://twitter.com/washingtonpost/status/796071565884583936

      • Jen B_VA

        dudes for serious, raise the fucking price by a few pennies or, better, reduce your fucking CEO salary by a few pennies.

      • Kavefish

        I just had to go check the one I have in the fridge.

        Sigh of relief that it’s the old size!

    • The Bird in a Red Pantsuit

      I hope we’re not as disappointed as they were.

  • Joe Beese

    Blitzer keeps trying to make this horse-racy and Jon King keeps telling him he can’t have dessert until he finishes his dinner.

    • Me not sure

      “How can you have any pudding, if you don’t eat your meat!”

  • BJW

    Portman won in Ohio. And since the Ohio Democratic Party sucks, I knew it was going to happen. :(

    • bbayliss

      Ohio does not mean what Ohio used to mean.

      • BJW

        Correct. It’s approaching Indiana although not yet.

      • Nasty Astraea

        Portman is still an R in the Senate.

        • BJW

          Strickland ran a bad campaign. And Portman (his campaign and the PACs) knocked Strickland down over being governor when the Great Recession hit. Portman’s campaign was pretty good. I did vote Strickland because I thought he was pretty good as governor in the face of the recession. But I don’t really blame Ohioans for voting for Portman. *sigh*

      • BouncyFlyer

        Nor Missouri, for that matter.

    • Serai 1

      Natalie Portman is running for office? Who knew?

      …oh.

      • BJW

        I wish!

  • The Witch of Endor

    So, it just hit me. I can listen to the coverage on c-span and get annoyed at the drunks who call in to opine, or listen to one of the network/cable news channels and get annoyed by the pundits who sound like they’re drunk and calling in to c-span.

    • beingreleased

      I’m watching Ninjago with my 4 year old and reading the Wonkette.

    • CripesAmighty

      Circle of Derp.

    • Jennifer R

      I am chatting here and threadshitting on GoG. If I wasn’t too poor this month I would be on FFXIV bullshitting with other Goons instead.

  • Serai 1
    • Sean McLaren

      thanks I needed that, this is a lot scarier now that’s it’s so damn real

      • Kavefish

        I’m not stressing it too much just now since the return percentages are still in the single digits.

      • Bec Jenn

        I didn’t worry this much about the 2008 election, because he seemed like Bush light. Worried more at the 2012 election, well, because Palin. Yet nothing like the terror I felt this when he came onto the stage with his views on Mexicans. My father is technically an anchor baby, mind you born the same year as Bill Clinton, but my GF never had a green card and my GM didn’t get one until well into the 60’s.

    • Taco Treg

      Thanks. Virginia and NC are scaring me.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Kaine is not going to lose Virginia.

        • Taco Treg

          Thanks Antonin. Needed to hear that.

  • Michael R

    Has everyone seen the horrible Trump cake ?

    https://s11.postimg.org/jh7mjuayr/trump_eagle_cake.jpg

    • Count Awesome

      I like the Trump pinata better.

    • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

      NOT THE CAKE I LIKE!

      • Shucky Ducky

        On second thought, nah, go ahead and rip that cake a new cake-hole.

    • Donkey Option

      It was posted on the all-day thread. I showed it to my mom and she didn’t believe it was their official cake.

    • Jen B_VA

      He looks worried, tired and afraid

  • Lesser Tiffany
    • Antonin Dvorak

      OFFS.

    • Suse

      Lock him up!

      • yyyaz

        Right.Fucking.Now.

    • Fuck that guy

    • shivaskeeper

      He’ll enjoy some time on admin leave, then enjoy more time looking for a new job cause his ass is going to get fired. Then he can claim persecution and ask DJT to pay his legal bills and fail at that too.

      • bookish

        Hey shivaskeeper! I have a beautiful Shiva by my bed, and a Canticle of the Creatures tau, and assorted other pretties and treasures for inspiration. The candles are lit.

  • Joe Beese

    Incumbent Senators have higher re-election rates than North Korean heads of state.

  • Beaumarchais?

    I gave up on TV & don’t have cable, so I’m doing occasional checks of the NYTimes and WaPo front pages, but mainly toggling between Twitter and our beloved Wonkette. (Psst—this is the most fun. I love you all!)

    • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

      We love you!

    • The Farce Side

      I’m shouting at people on MSNBC and reading Wonkette. Wonkette is much better for my bloodpressure.

  • The Farce Side

    Drinking G&T in a plastic cup…with hardwood floors you have to pick safety first.

    • Joe Beese

      Tanqueray and chronic, yeah, I’m fucked up now.

      • The Farce Side

        I was debating mixing with the last of my butter, but I have work tomorrow.

    • M Dubs

      I’m in the middle of replacing my carpet with hardwood.

      NEVER buy white carpet. Especially if you’re spill-prone like I am.

      • The Farce Side

        Yeah, made that mistake with an area rug once. Never again.

      • Claire

        OMG mine would be covered in coffee stains in a week.

      • Shan the Nasty Libtart

        Never mind carpet, I have rushes.

        • M Dubs

          Nice! I was considering going full Japan and getting Tatami mats.

    • Shucky Ducky

      Wear a helmet!

      • The Farce Side

        Starting with non-slip house shoes.

  • Cheesus Crust
    • Antonin Dvorak

      Woot! One down three to go!

  • JurisGal

    Hi wonketteers, help me through the night. Please.

  • memzilla
    • LesBontemps

      Oh such win.

    • Jen B_VA

      Yes. They are so. Totally. Absolutely the exact same.

  • Joshua Norton

    CNN really needs to dial it back a few hundred notches on those breathless “key race alerts” which tell you absolutely nothing.

    • Jen B_VA

      They’ll be here ALL night with that shit

    • Joe Beese

      It’s all part of the circus.

  • Carville coming up on main NBC feed

    • Joe Beese

      Cajun Style!

    • Suse

      Whatever happened to his wife? Has she been on channels I don’t watch?

      • Not sure but lack of Trump love put her on the outs this cycle

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        She was on earlier today. Oddly, dressed like a housewife circa 1970. I’m a little worried.

  • Tallmutha

    Let’s just start this whole thing over! Back to square one!

    • M Dubs

      Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!1!

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      Don’t make me take my shoe off.

    • azeyote

      i could use another year of torment – i love abuse

      • M Dubs

        Hey baby. Wanna visit my love dungeon?

        (Sorry. I skipped lunch and just drank some bourbon.)

    • Joshua Norton

      That all starts tomorrow.

  • JVisconti

    Hearing Donald is chugging Diet Cokes while watching all the shows has me hoping he will lose more than weight tonight.

    • timpundit

      lose more votes. ;)

    • AJ Milne

      I’m confused…

      Wasn’t it _Donald_ who tweeted somethin’ like ‘I’ve never seen a fit person drinking Diet Coke’?

      (… full points for, at long last, self-awareness, anyway.)

    • The Bird in a Red Pantsuit

      He must like his caffeine with that bitter medicinal taste.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Diet Coke = Peruvian goodness, right?

    • JurisGal

      Let’s hope he starves…because of no votes!

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Good lord. Secretary of State in Ohio, “We had fewer lawsuits this year, so WINNING!”

    • artem1s

      Husted is an odious toad

  • Antonin Dvorak

    NH is back to blue! And Hassan is leading!

  • Joe Beese

    OK, I am officially displeased with how FL is going.

  • Cheesus Crust
  • Joe Beese

    Blitzer: “Florida… the Mother of All Battlegrounds!”

    • Jen B_VA

      Is that a direct quote?
      lolz Wolf, go home, yer drunk

      • The Farce Side

        You’d have to be drunk or high to be calling this thing. I like to imagine Rachel mixing drinks for the panel on commercial breaks.

      • Joe Beese

        Oh, yes.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I’m sticking with Kaleesi, Mother of Dragons.

    • cynmac’s bigly nasty pussy

      I watched all of the Triumph: Election 2016 today. The Wolf Blitzer joke? “At least he’s still using his p0rn name!”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        And his German porn name, at that.

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    Okay, I’m home. Have we put this to bed yet?

    • Suse

      Yes – Hillz and her bunnehs won bigly.

  • Brian
  • Arse Grammatica

    So far I don’t like the looks of this at all. No clear wins for Hillary yet. Behind in Virginia??

    • Jen B_VA

      Peace. Bamz was behind in VA too, and in other states.
      The lil rural counties get their counts in first because less people by whoa lots and it makes them happy.

      • Arse Grammatica

        I do understand and I do hope.
        But hatched chickens count better and I don’t see any.

        • Jen B_VA

          Our chickens take time to mature. And count. Because there are a shitton more to count.

    • timpundit

      Virginia is famously slow to report results. She has VA.

    • TheGrandWaz00

      The Richmond area count always comes in late…wiping out the rest of the state.

    • House0fTheBlueLights
  • Bad Hombre Ron

    Aha, found the lil devils… hiding in the Lay-Z-Boy so as not to be subjected to possible images of Drumpf. Just let me put them on and OH MY GODS WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?

    • willi0000000

      McMurdo Sound?

  • TheGrandWaz00
    • Count Awesome

      Obviously, because they’re all ashamed of their teeth.

  • TC

    I have cider and no work tomorrow. I voted, got some kitty snuggles in. I’m here for a looong night

  • Serai 1
  • bubbuhh

    Drink of the evening around here is vodka and Orange Crush over ice.

    Alternatively, for the grown-ups a Maryland Orange Crush cocktail

    Ingredients

    1 Part vodka (orange flavored preferred)
    3 Parts Orange Juice
    1 Part Triple Sec
    1 Slice Orange and a bit of peel

    Prep

    – Fill a shaker with ice cubes.
    – Add all ingredients.
    – Shake and strain into a chilled rocks glass filled with crushed ice.
    – Garnish with orange slice and peel

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      My low rent version: vanilla vodka, tonic and a squeeze of fresh orange. Tastes just like a Dreamsicle, I kid you not.

      • Jen B_VA

        Mix vodka with sunny D and top with whipped cream and is same ^.^

    • efoveks

      Yummm! (Adds yet another new recipe to the bar guide tonight) :)

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Oh, it wasn’t even Evan, it was Wonkette Jr. That explains it. Donna Rose is just a babby!

  • Peggy’s Pizza House

    My palms are sweaty :(

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      Mom’s spaghetti

  • hendenburg2

    Has anyone watching CNN seen that absolutely FUCKING stupid Adidas ad?

    • Joe Beese

      I attributed my bewilderment to the, you know, drunkenness.

      • hendenburg2

        If you were sober it would have been worse

  • thewendyb

    Drinks. Oh God WHERE ARE THE DRINKS this election cycle must END. As a disabled elderly lesbian the results are life or death for me. I voted. Everybody here voted, right?
    RIGHT?!
    Forgive me Lord, for I am stressed.

    • Big Puppy

      RIGHT!! Please, take a drink and a deep breath!

      • Beaumarchais?

        If you are short on time, take the drink.

    • Count Awesome

      I will be “rigging” the election very soon.

      • Nastyinencinitas

        Do you know how to tie all those fancy knots they teach in the Navy?

    • The Witch of Endor

      I voted TWICE!!!!

      • hendenburg2

        I hope that was in two separate elections!

        • YoNastyBunny

          Primary then general… mayhaps?

        • The Witch of Endor

          No dear I only voted the once. I was tryin’ to be funny.

          • hendenburg2

            I know. I was filling in the rest of the quote from “Inherit the Wind”

          • The Witch of Endor

            Now I know what that whooshing sound overhead was when I read your comment. LOL!!

    • The Farce Side

      Voted like a baby stoat three weeks ago!

    • NastyBossetti

      I drove my sister to her polling place to vote in another state this morning (because she fell and smashed her eye socket this weekend and now has to have face surgery!), then I came home to PA and voted. My sister-in-law registered for the first time in her life so she could vote here in PA. AND another one of my sisters also registered for the first time in her life so she could vote. Based on my anecdotal evidence, I am feeling very good about this election.

    • Serai 1
    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Blessed Be

    • Swampgas_Man

      I voted THIS MORNING!

  • BokkenMonkey

    Washington Post live tracker is going to give me a heart attack.

    • m3bosha

      HuffPo for me. There is not enough booze.

      • BokkenMonkey

        I think i forgot to have booze. Must…fix….

    • Don’t Grab Gosala

      Let it go. They’re giving an edge to Trump in Florida where the polls have not yet closed and no official numbers have been posted.

      • hendenburg2

        Florida is currently 49.9-H to 47.3-T with 72% reporting

        • Don’t Grab Gosala

          Source? Or go home. The polls haven’t closed and won’t for minutes (or longer if there are lines).

          • hendenburg2

            That was CNN

  • AJ Milne

    13 minutes to the big block of poll closings…

    I strongly suggest… umm…

    Deep breaths.

    Yeah, okay. Not a doctor.

    • Jen B_VA

      Prediction: All the red counties will rush to release their numbers and everyone will freak out.
      Then the actual counts will trickle in.

    • Count Awesome

      Do you play one on TV?

      • AJ Milne

        Poorly.

        • Nastyinencinitas

          I’ll go with it.

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    Okay, okay. We’re okay. Deep breaths everyone. Don’t let the nattering get to you. Stay strong!

  • Joe Beese

    Huge tranche of Clinton votes just came in for FL. She’s ahead again.

    • hendenburg2

      Also NC!!

  • limberrat
  • Shan the Nasty Libtart

    “He gave up his Twitter”? HAHAHAHA! Who is that stupid person?

  • Antonin Dvorak

    LOL, The Guardian has South Carolina blue!

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      If wishes were horses…

      • Antonin Dvorak

        It was fun for that 2 minutes, though.

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    Watching the election on BBC Worldwide. Analysis and thoughtful commentary and no partisanism. Yay Mother England!

  • Swampgas_Man

    “Pray for Trump”, ‘cuz Trump doesn’t have a prayer!

    • Lizzietish81

      My right wing friend was posted this :”if you haven’t started now would gbe a good time to start praying for America”

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        Let ’em pray. The rest of us will get off our asses and actually DO something.

        • Shan the Nasty Libtart

          Ayup

      • Jen B_VA

        Is that the prayers where you are sincere or the prayers where you say thoughts and prayers and don’t really give a shit?

  • Big Puppy

    Boo SC to the Donald.

    • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

      Well, the Confederacy is still strong there.

    • JVisconti

      Remember SC was the first state to secede, a decision they later regretted.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Dammit. Well, not like South Carolina is really a surprise.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Oh, fucking Broward.

  • God famn south carolina

    • Jennifer R

      Way too late for that one.

      • AJ Milne

        If it’s any consolation:

        Remind yourself you don’t live there.

        • Jennifer R

          Sacramento is it’s own little boiling swamp.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Yeah….SC is about 50-60 years in the past.
        Seriously, it’s like a fucking time warp there.

  • timpundit

    This is the part of the night when democrats shit their drawers because the map looks real red.

    • Joe Beese

      I ain’t shitting nothing until and unless she’s a clear loser in both FL and NC.

      • timpundit

        Not the Wonketters, but I am expecting a call from any of my nervous sisters or Mother.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Well…I picked a fucking bad time to have a fully stocked liquor cabinet.

    • OrG

      NOOOO! Exact right time.

      • Bill D. Burger

        I’m gonna’ be soooo shitfaced before this is over. And WHEN Hillz wins….alcohol overload…..YES!

        • OrG

          Carry on!

    • The Farce Side

      I’m sad I’m so under-stocked with all the cocktail recipes floating around tonight.

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      That’s why I bought a house 1/2 a block from a liquor store. And a bar.

  • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

    There are millions of butterflies in my stomach!

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I drank my White Russian a wee bit too rapidly, so I’m kind of numb right now. XD

      • Jen B_VA

        Have you become comfortably numb?

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Indeed. XD

          Cheap Date Anna.

        • M Dubs

          Hello? Is there anybody in there?

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        “Drinking a white Russian” sounds like a euphemism for doing something dirty with Putin.

      • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

        You have inspired me! Gonna chug vodka now. Am I celebrating? Am I panicking? Who the fuck knows?

        • notaten

          Doesn’t matter, your country needs you NOW!! Do what is necessary.

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      I’m drowning mine in red wine.

    • Amy!

      Watching wral.com? Or somewhere else? Looks like they dropped all the NC early votes in (a couple million and 0% of precincts, so I figure that must mean early voting). Now they’re starting to show like 1% of precincts reporting.

      Durham had machine problems earlier today and get to stay open later, and that’s pretty solidly blue, as counties go, so we’ll see that big bump after they finally close those polls.

    • snark-lurker

      would a tummy rub help?

    • There’s 1/3 of a bottle of wine in mine

      • Shan the Nasty Libtart

        HAHAHAHA! Me, too! Race ya!

    • shaar dula

      I have no stomach only butterflies.

  • Cheesus Crust
  • starfanglednut

    Remember when we were worried about Romney winning? Doesn’t that seem quaint?

    • Doug Langley

      I was never worried about Romney winning. The election followed the polls quite closely.

  • Serai 1
  • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

    Fla just swapped back to trending blue. I hope it holds.

    • The Farce Side

      Fingers toes and everything else crossed.

    • Joe Beese

      I don’t trust the Panhandle.

      • Donkey Option

        No one does. It is awful.

    • OrG

      Hillary doesn’t Really need Fla.Trump is done without it.

      • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

        That would be great if she could take it early. Then I could go to bed more relaxed. It’s almost 2AM here.

        • hendenburg2

          Europe?

          • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

            Yes indeed. France. And I will not live it down with my neighbors if that dreadful orange bloat isn’t soundly crushed.

          • hendenburg2

            They have Marine LePen. Don’t let ‘me give you any shit

  • Cheesus Crust
  • Reality Kills

    If the moron wins, for the next 4 years I will have zero respect for the presidency. I am going to call him the moron.

    • OrG

      THAT’S MORAN!!

    • The Farce Side

      I’d like to see how many people would just refuse to take orders from him, but I’d much rather have President Badass Grandma.

    • yyyaz

      Shrub practice made us all experts at that. Need something stronger.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I think the tide is turning — this could be his night — Jim Gilmore might come back and take the whole shebang!

    • limberrat

      GILMENTUM!!!

  • Joe Beese

    The polls in the western part of [FL], which is in the Central time zone, close at 8 p.m. And in both 2012 and 2014, the reported results around that time were close to the final tallies.

    http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/how-to-watch-election-night/

    • Jen B_VA

      gotta forgive me, but Nate is not having luck with Florida tonight.

  • cousin itt

    That was weird. Just got a live call asking for $ for autism research. On election night? Doesn’t Jill Stein have better things to do tonight?

    • JurisGal

      Um, no.

    • Bill D. Burger

      I just did a spit take with good scotch. Blast yew’! :)

  • Antonin Dvorak

    In the House side of things, Stephanie Murphy is ahead of Mica, by 6 points.

  • Sean McLaren

    inspired by Serai 1…A dark matter map of our universe, at the largest scale..it really is all, literally, connected
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9a3d3712bedb63c12f08411f4ac51d8751365a89be17603de08351d976bf2e7b.jpg

    • bbayliss

      WOW
      Micro, Macro…

    • cousin itt

      I’m over there on the left.

    • M Dubs

      Oooh. My nerd glands are secreting right now.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Ooo, I can see my house!

      • M Dubs

        Argh argh argh! Is this out yet? I LOVE those books.

        And I also love Elijah Wood.

        • Episode 3 aired last Saturday. It is fucking incredible. I LOVE this show (and Douglas Adams is my favourite author…)

          • M Dubs

            My favorite author is Terry Pratchett (Sniff. We still miss you.), but Adams comes in at a solid second place.

            Although oddly enough, my favorite book is Catch-22.

          • Yeah, they’re sadly both gone :( Seriously though, watch this show, it’s such a good cast, and the writing is so sharp.

          • M Dubs

            ON IT

        • JustDon’tSayDittos

          Ep 3 aired a day or two ago. The series is a little different from the book.

          • M Dubs

            Okay, sweet. I’ll check it out.

            And yeah, there was no Elijah Wood character in the books. Which is kind of a shame.

          • JustDon’tSayDittos

            The Dirk character isn’t stout enough. And I really wanted to see a fighter jet turned into an eagle, and ancient Norse gods eating pig and shouting at each other. Oh well, maybe next season.

  • It’s a cute picture, but if Trump wins, that’s what color the Earth’s oceans will eventually become.

    • Suse

      There will be no oceans.

      • Don’t Grab Gosala

        There will be oceans, but they will be anoxic. Unwelcoming to eukaryotes. Release of sulfuric gasses will kill off oxygen breathing organisms at sea and on land.

        This will be coupled with expanded desert zones, polar ice melt, sea level rise and mass extinction

  • m3bosha

    I switched over to Seinfeld for a minute. These pretzels are making me thirsty!!! That’s better, and I can still hear politics down the hall on hub’s man cave tv.

  • AJ Milne

    Must now move from bar… Radio silence commencing…

  • John Smith
    • The Farce Side

      Look at that cute tortie face!

      • John Smith

        She’s my baby!

  • Joe Beese

    Looking good in FL and NC at the moment.

    • YoNastyBunny

      SQUEEEE— calm down, Bunny, calm down… I’ll be quiet now and wait for the final results.

      • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

        Hold me!

    • NorthStarSpanx

      And Georgia

  • Antonin Dvorak

    NH, NC, OH, and FL all blue at the moment; according to the Guardian.

    • Jen B_VA

      I don’t buy numbers until 9 eastern.
      Until then they are still just counting the lil counties mostly. Wait for the cities to come in and the other larger population areas.

      • bbayliss

        Thanks for that

    • artem1s

      rural votes coming in early. have to wait for urban areas to report.

  • timpundit

    The calm before the deluge…

    • bbayliss

      CALM? what fucking calm?
      I’m squeezing my balls till they ache.

      • Beaumarchais?

        I love it when you talk dirty…

        • bbayliss

          Feels so good when I stop.

      • Count Awesome

        Masochist

        • The Farce Side

          You say that like it’s a bad thing.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Pics or it isn’t happening.

      • Peggy’s Pizza House

        Same! Except with tits!

  • artem1s

    NYT has a pretty wonderful live results map and you can drill down to watch each state and even district. no snark.
    http://www.nytimes.com/elections/results/president

    • jmac

      Outstanding. Thanks.

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      Oh, thank you!

  • Joe Beese

    I expect Blitzer to tell Jon King, “But if Trump wins California, that changes everything, doesn’t it?”

    • It means i have fallen into an alternate dimension. AND that dimension is hell

    • OrG

      If pigs could fly……

      • yyyaz

        ….your windshield wipers would break.

  • Ezio

    Meh. Trump so far has only won/had a lead in the states he was expected to win, and red states usually have their polls close early from what I understand.

  • Nasty Astraea
  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    This is my *one* glass of Glenfiddich. If we win, I toast to victory. Otherwise, I use it to gird myself for the fight ahead.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a55d80825e18e724c03df768a29b4ad07cad4c4011c63425bfb2cb5af77905da.jpg

  • azeyote

    maybe the pray for trump thing was for him to fuck off –

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Just to put some perspective on it, it’s not quite 7p here in flyover.

  • Sean McLaren
    • The Wanderer

      Stupid.

    • YoNastyBunny

      So, he was keeping everybody on their toes, huh?

    • snigsy

      For liars, they’re pretty piss poor at lying.

    • Count Awesome

      Shows how smart Trump’s supporters are. Doesn’t he know his vote was changed to Hillary though?

      • therblig

        both of them.

    • I Am Helpy

      Now he can test out federal prison for Trump, in advance of the coming IRS shitstorm.

    • Fartknocker

      I would expect that in Fort Bend county. Heavy duty white, gun fondling teabagger village.

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      “I was speeding to see if you could catch me, Officer!”

    • Oneofthebobs

      The system worked.

  • snigsy

    I have a feeling that tomorrow will be an “interesting” day.

    • snark-lurker

      we there already we are cursed

    • azeyote

      when kellyanne conway spins the results to show trump wins, the space time continuum will explode –

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    Re: 7:48: Trump’s home state is Idaho?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      His own PRIVATE one, at that

      • Idaho4644

        Hey watch it! I voted for Hillary!

  • Nasty Astraea
    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      Sometimes I LOVE people.

      • shaar dula

        people. they are best, when they are not the worst.

        • Shan the Nasty Libtart

          Driving. When they’re driving, they are the worst.

    • M Dubs

      My favorite thing about this is that the Trump campaign didn’t even buy the cake. It was a gift that some crazy person sent to Trump tower.

      But it doesn’t matter! TRUMP CAKE LIVES!!!

    • GHERKINS OF TRUTH!

      I sure hope someone gets a shot of it half eaten, looking like some zombies got to it.

  • I Am Helpy

    the NYT thing updates so fast you can feel it affecting your heart rate:
    http://www.nytimes.com/elections/forecast/president

    • bbayliss

      The best, thanks

      • I Am Helpy

        It’s really good site (and a nice clear way to display results), but it’s so early that the needles are twitching like crazy in response to the tiniest updates.

        • bbayliss

          At least they’re not spinning

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Really hoping we’re waiting on northern Virginia precincts. https://twitter.com/seantubbs/status/796154897595068416

    • NoVa is always late. It was the same with Obama in 2012.

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    Trump concession speech:
    ‘I’M GONNA HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL I TURN BLUE IF YOU DON’T SAY I WON!’

    • Shucky Ducky

      Go ahead. We’ll wait.

  • Serai 1
    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      Can I have this one please?

    • Shucky Ducky

      Now that’s a good boy!

  • Suse

    If I drop dead of a stroke tonight, I must tell all of you Wonkers how much I love you now.

    • MynameisBlarney

      *fist bump*

      Right backactha and likewise.

    • JurisGal

      Hang in there! I need to do some measured breathing myself before I pass out.

    • proudgrampa

      Hey! You ain’t goin’ nowhere!

    • Nastyinencinitas

      Suse, love will keep you alive and kicking and tomorrow you will have a lady preznit.

  • DainBramage

    OK, the numbers are getting better.

  • Beaumarchais?

    Greg Sargent @ThePlumLineGS

    With 72 percent in, Clinton leads in Florida by 49.8 to 47.4, per CNN just now

    • WomanInAMood

      NBC said that Clinton stomped in Dade County.

  • Vienna Woods
    • Joe Beese

      Is that real?

      • Vienna Woods

        Apparently not. No checkmark next to his name.

      • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

        Can’t be! Can it?

      • Jen B_VA

        It CANT be. He cannot possibly know what that means and still tweet that

      • Sean McLaren

        I….think so, it appears to be the only Clint Eastwood on twitter, but as noted, no checkmark

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      Are you fucking kidding me?!

    • Jen B_VA

      Seriously, Clint?
      SERIOUSLY????

    • janecita

      Shouldn’t he be screaming at a chair somewhere?

    • Serai 1

      Not even slightly surprised here.

    • therblig

      the good, the bad, and the frogly

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Nastyinencinitas

      Holy shit. You know Gene Krupa was Keith Moon’s inspiration? And Moonie is my fave drummer of like forever, man.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I didn’t know either of those things actually. They were both awesome fucking drummers though, for sure.

  • NastyBosGrl

    THANK YOU ILLINOIS

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      You’re welcome

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    Polls closed. Got my Naked Grape Vidal ice wine in a frozen glass. Look out pancreas, here it comes!

    • The Farce Side

      Excellent choice. Best thing about being back in Ontario, local ice wine.

    • revenant

      that sounds good. pass the bottle, please.

  • Cheesus Crust
    • shivaskeeper

      I knew the old home state of NJ would not let me down. We’re assholes, but not that much.

      • JurisGal

        Well, minus Christie and his misfits and most other NJ people are likely AOK.

    • JurisGal

      “keep it comin’ love!”

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    Illinois, New Jersey, Maryland, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Delaware, D.C. and Massachusetts to Clinton. Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi and Oklahoma to Trump. Florida, Pennsylvania, Maine and Missouri too close to call

  • A Grumpy Cat

    I don’t believe he’s written a concession speech.

    • YoNastyBunny

      Fair enough. He didn’t even write his nomination acceptance speech, either.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      A concession speech has been written. This does not imply it will ever be given, nor that he is even aware of its existence.

    • therblig

      “The concession stand is open. Trump Bars are only $5.00. Trump Cola is $3.00 a bottle.”

  • cousin itt
    • Anna Elizabeth

      “This is revolting!”

  • Bill D. Burger

    I’m envisioning Trump losing and taking that cake to the top of Trump Towers late tonight and screaming “Damn You…..You Can Eat Me America!” while throwing pieces to the crowd below.

  • NBC just dropped a Clinton bomb on the evening.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      details pls

    • Cheesus Crust

      I didn’t see that, what is it?

      • Just called a bunch of states for her, have her up 74 to 68 (IIRC) electoral votes now.

        EDIT: 75 to 66

    • Serai 1

      ??????????????

  • chascates

    GOP Sen. Rob Portman wins reelection in Ohio, AP projects

  • Holt just got a the M states mixed up

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I wonder what that dickhead does for a living?

  • Beaumarchais?

    Aaaaaand now it’s on. Folks, I think we’ll know the big answer by 9:30 EST.

    • please please please, i am nauseated as we speak and that will certainly not stop me drinking the Rex.

  • Senate news! Go Tammy!

    • Suse

      Yay!!!

    • 3FingerPete

      Yay

  • Serai 1
  • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

    We got this. We GOT this.

  • Congratulations SENATOR Duckworth!

    • Jen B_VA

      lol CBS just said Republicans look good to keep their stuff.
      Nice.

      • MSNBC called it definitively for Tammy Duckworth and now Rachel is running down some of Mark Kirk’s greatest shits.

  • DainBramage

    MSNBC calls Illinois Senate to Tammy!

    • ltmcdies

      yes….I’m sure her father and revolutionary ancestors are very proud

  • Bemused

    WOOOO! TAMMY!

  • JVisconti

    Alabama goes to Trump. Maybe he can return the favor.

  • Brian

    Yay, Tammy Duckworth!

    • did she win? i saw a shitload of kirk signs in wrigleyville today. and i am a totally wuss and get freaked.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Looks like the clown car may be running out of gas.
    https://media.giphy.com/media/n9u5HOCOOfYxG/giphy.gif

    • Kavefish

      That is wonderfully hideous!

    • starfanglednut

      Kafka meets German engineering.

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    Senator Duckworth sounds very nice. Rolls right off the tongue.

  • WomanInAMood

    Tammy Duckworth projected to win!

  • timpundit

    Senator DUCKWORTH!

    • Cheesus Crust

      I can’t upfist this anymore, dammit!

    • Walter Wellstone

      She won? Fucking A!

    • LadyLaz

      Excited!!! She seems pretty awesome!

    • Debbies are like taco trucks

      YIPPEE!!!

  • A Grumpy Cat

    I love that the NYT live update thingy is calling DE with 0% reporting. I mean, we’ll go blue, but still.

    • Jen B_VA

      yeah I REALLY wish they wouldn’t do this shit until numbers are in.

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    Let’s not forget the important stuff – how’s the Senate going?

    • yyyaz

      Good news, Duckworth. Bad news, Rand and Rubio.

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    Go ahead, Rachel. Tell Kirk he ran a shitty campaign.

  • SuffragetteCity4Ever

    Who just got back from an emergency dental appointment and learned she has to have a 20 year-old root canal ‘redone’? This suffragette, that’s who! So by the law of bad news, good news, that means Hillary wins, right? RIGHT?

    • Anna Elizabeth

      ~hugs~

    • The Farce Side

      Absolutely!

    • NastyBossetti

      Hopefully root canal technology has advanced in the last 20 years, so it won’t be as bad as you remember it?

      • SuffragetteCity4Ever

        Let’s hope!

        • MynameisBlarney

          At least the drugs are better….maybe?

  • Walter Wellstone

    Just landed in SFO. Da fuck’s happenin’?

    • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

      75-66 Clinton

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      there’s an election in America

    • Bemused

      SENATOR TAMMY DUCKWORTH!

    • mtn_socialist

      Trump up by a field goal, but Clinton’s team is in the red zone, banging on the door. Still in the first quarter, so there’s a lot of game left to play.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Nate bearish on Dems taking Senate now.

    • starfanglednut

      Pleasepleasepleaseplease

  • Nounverb911

    Hi guys, I was away all day, any thing interesting happen today?

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      Nah.

      • Nounverb911

        Glad I didn’t miss anything….

    • JurisGal

      I got a really cool water bottle.

  • Lesser Tiffany

    I quit smoking so now I am stress chewing gum

  • CripesAmighty

    Yay! Tammy Duckworth’s titanium boot kicks Mark Kirk’s ass out the door

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    I forgot to pop popcorn. I’m very tired.

    • The Farce Side

      I forgot to start my cake. But I have been busy… drinking.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        Is it those cakes we like?

        • The Farce Side

          Do we like chocolate vanilla cake decorated like a sugarskull?

  • Cheesus Crust
    • JurisGal

      Hurrah!!!!

    • Couldn’t have said “kicked out”? Come on, it was RIGHT THERE!

      • YoNastyBunny

        “Gives him the boot”?

    • Anna Elizabeth

      YAYS!!!!

    • bbayliss

      HIP HIP HOOOREY

    • notaten

      Hurrah! I know she’s classier than I, but if it were me, I’d beat him about the head and shoulders with my leg and taunt him endlessly, just for being a dick and dissing my parents like he did. But I guess she did that already, with votes, in accordance with the rules. But still, FUCK YEAH!!

  • Me The People

    NBC – Hugh Hewitt? WTF?

    • Jen B_VA

      Liberal media. You know.

    • Portam is fucking moran and so is Hugh

    • Bill D. Burger

      Hewitt is a Joker-face poster boy for fetal alcohol syndrome.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Okay, white college graduates in FL: WTF is wrong with you?!

    • Jen B_VA

      Think the first part.
      Remember the huff po girl who never understood until daddy took her Am Ex away?
      that.

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        Sigh. [*hangs head*]

      • M Dubs

        Reading that article today, my reaction was, “Good for you, but JESUS!”

        • snark-lurker

          “my reaction was” struck my broke brane as “my ERECTION was”

          • M Dubs

            I’m only saying this because I skipped lunch and then had a tall glass of bourbon, but “Good for you, but JESUS!” is in fact the standard reaction to my erection.

    • cousin itt

      College degrees aren’t worth what they used to be. Is anyone really surprised? I used to teach college and trust me, it’s too easy to get a degree.

    • yyyaz

      Couldn’t get into Penn.

      • Kavefish

        Reading too fast: “Couldn’t get into porn.”

        :::oops:::

        • yyyaz

          S’all good.

    • Objectifer

      Florida State throws off the curve.

      • Major_Major_Major

        4 year junior college libelz.

  • snigsy

    There’s a mariachi band playing outside Trump Tower.

    • Nastyinencinitas

      Brilliant!

  • Kavefish

    75 to 68, huh? Nice work, Hillary!

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      75 to 68? Man, something is REALLY wrong with that clock.

      • Kavefish

        “Clocks? Where we’re going, we won’t need clocks.”

  • A Grumpy Cat

    I did my part in Delaware!

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Cheesus Crust
  • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

    I can’t seem to light these cigarettes fast enough.

    • Courser

      Same here. I’ve felt like shit for the past week because of it. Please, please let it be over tonight with a Hillz win.

    • The Farce Side

      Butane torch will light anything in a hurry.

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      Throw a carton in the oven and put it on broil.

      • yyyaz

        You fiend.

    • Suttree

      I voted early and then took a nice long nap. I just got up to worry about things.

    • btwbfdimho
  • Nounverb911

    Queen Elizabeth repeated her offer.

    https://twitter.com/NewYorker/status/792514198475595777

  • DainBramage

    OK, I’m getting some dinner. Don’t blow up the world while I’m out of the room.

    • The Farce Side

      No promises.

    • JurisGal

      We’re HRC supporters, we won’t & she won’t. To quote Ben Carson, ” I think you want the other guy”. I wonder if ‘ol Ben is still awake.

  • Walter Wellstone

    NJ for Hillz. Fuck Chris Christie.

    • Suttree

      Fuck yeah. I got out early to vote here in NJ.

  • Nasty Astraea
  • OrG

    OOOOKAY……go to the toilet and there’s 100 new non-comments

  • chascates

    Fuck! Trump gets Oklahoma, Tennessee, Mississippi . . . Damn the South!

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      No surprise there.

    • Suse

      Look away, Dixieland!

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      They damned themselves long ago.

    • Ezio

      Meh. Wasn’t he expected to get those anyway?

    • janecita

      Damn welfare states, always voting against their best interests.

    • yyyaz

      I am seriously thinking about switching my life blood to something other than bourbon. Fuckers.

    • cynmac’s bigly nasty pussy

      Georgia and Florida are still up in the air.

  • House0fTheBlueLights
    • The Wanderer

      Mazel Tov!

      • Shucky Ducky

        Molotov!

      • Kellyanne Conway is still trying to figure out where she went wrong with the mazel tov cocktail comment.

        • cat cafe

          I mean, it had that nasty little anti-Semitic fillip, didn’t it, so what’s wrong with that?

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Congrats :D

    • rosenbomb

      Sooooo jealous!! I want a Tammy!!

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Mine’s gonna be named Kamala.

  • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)
    • Joe Beese

      I also like how they have to explain how electoral votes work.

  • one of my 2 BFFs moved her ass to reading PA from LA/CHI to ferry people to the polls.

    i am so proud of her. now i feel like a lame ass.

  • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

    Conway: We (republicans) haven’t been able to claim the change mantle but Trump will do it! Less elitist party!

    Also their polling for Florida said Trump will win so they are SHOCKED! THIS IS JEB BUSH’S FAULT! PROBABLY!

    • BeachBum

      JEB !!!!

  • Me The People

    Kelly Anne Conway is a wee minger.

  • JVisconti

    Where all those poll watchers with 40’s and weed to comfort me out of my misery.

  • m3bosha

    Duckworth! 1 Senate seat down, 3 to go!

  • Serai 1
  • Cheesus Crust
  • Nounverb911

    Chris Christie just admitted he voted for Hillary

    https://twitter.com/NYDailyNews/status/796157026300788736

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    Dammit, Rubio has to go back to work.

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      lol “work”

    • Major_Major_Major

      Hahahaha, like tha will actually happen

  • Beaumarchais?

    Trump’s chances plunge to 8% on @PredictWise betting markets

    • bbayliss

      They’re still taking bets?

  • Major_Major_Major

    DO.NOT.FUCK.THIS.UP.FLORIDA. Yer already the redheaded stepchild, now is your chance.

  • Rubio projected winner over Murphy.

    Stay thirsty, Florida.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors
  • Suse

    Fuck Little Marco!

    • Kavefish

      dammit…

    • Fuck ttha tiny baby

    • efoveks

      Only way he’ll get laid. !

      Yep, that was catty of me. Oh well.

  • Objectifer

    Ohio is looking good. Gonna try to exhale now.

    • Joe Beese

      Oh, yeah. I’m just waiting for the speech now.

  • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

    HILLARY HAS SO MANY FRIENDS AND POPULAR PRESIDENTS TO CAMPAIGN FOR HER FOR 8 YEARS, NO FAIR TO TRUMP! – KA Conway

    • smr06va

      Forget that hag…….

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        Who?

    • Joe Beese

      The afflictions of Job, I tell you.

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      When you choose to dip your hands in a vat of acid, you don’t get to complain that nobody forced you to wear gloves.
      Hmm, that analogy might need work.

      • The Farce Side

        Close enough.

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      I won’t miss Geriatric Spinbot Barbie.

    • YoNastyBunny

      But I thought Trump had all the bestest people campaigning for him????

    • bookish

      The sweet taste of Kellyanne’s tears.

    • Candy Apple

      Boo-fucking-hoo, Kellyanne, maybe he shouldn’t have been an asshole to so many people.

  • Arse Grammatica

    Kellyanne is now making excuses. This is starting to get better.

    • M Dubs

      Where where where where where where????!?!?!

      • Arse Grammatica

        nbc

        • M Dubs

          Really?? I’ve been on that channel and I didn’t see it.

          Oh, no. I’m on MSnbc. F#$%.

  • idiotboy

    Time to burn one put on some very loud music, make dinner to show wife I am an attentive husband when she comes home to find me passed out.
    Did I say pass out? Maybe I will do that first and make excuses tomorrow.

  • efoveks

    Hillz McEmails is ahead– yay!

  • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

    Thanks OBAMA! #throwback

  • janecita

    Even the people in Morocco were freaking out over a Trump win. Yay, NJ goes to Hillary!

  • Kellyanne is on NBC now and she’s rehashing her “I can’t believe Hillary isn’t beating us by more!”

    • Joe Beese

      If she doesn’t win by 20 points, she’s not really President.

      • Count Awesome

        I guess Trump thinks this is like golf and will get a handicap.

      • Sean McLaren

        that’s what the constitution says

    • BeachBum

      Hear what she says when the Golden State comes in Blue.

  • NastyBossetti

    Every time someone mentions Philly suburbs, I’m over here in the Philly suburbs drinking whiskey like, “Ok, neighbors, you better not have fucked this up today! Don’t embarrass me!”

    • yyyaz

      Mainlining.

      • NastyBossetti

        nice!

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Hmmm. I like the cut of his jib, but I’m not willing to be all optimistic-y yet. https://twitter.com/geoffreyvs/status/796157010349846528

    • Jen B_VA

      He is not wrong. If Fairfax goes that far? VA is done. And blue.

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        Your lips to God/Goddess/Whomever’s ear.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      Pleaes please please.

  • WomanInAMood

    The Disqus is not happy. Not happy at all. And it’s so early!

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    My brain is sluggish, my body is exhausted, and the snark mob is typing faster than I can think. I may take a nap and come back to see if the world has ended later.

    • Jen B_VA

      :huggles:

    • OrG

      Take care of yourself.wonketeer snark patrol can take it from here.

  • House0fTheBlueLights
    • Which end does the poop come out? ??

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        AOT, K

      • The Trump end…

      • Peggy’s Pizza House

        That thing’s giving me the Human Centipede shakes

    • Shucky Ducky

      I am Joe’s colon.

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        Today, we are all Joe’s colon.

    • GalacticPunt

      RIDE THE SNAKE

  • Nounverb911
    • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

      Gorgeous!

    • M Dubs

      She got my vote!

      And seriously, FUCK Bruce Rauner.

  • The Bird in a Red Pantsuit

    I’m feeling a little bit better.

  • YoNastyBunny

    I can’t even eat my taco, I’m so nervous!!!!!!!!!

    • JurisGal

      I am imagine they’ll be plenty and soon. Tacos will be the official food of the USA!

    • therblig

      ours haven’t even been delivered yet. thanks, obama!

      • YoNastyBunny

        mine has turned into a soggy concoction of lettuce, cheese and chicken in aluminium foil.

  • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

    Hah, HIllary leading in Texas according to CNN.

    Hahahahahahahah

    • Jen B_VA

      *facepalm*
      Why o why is it legal to NOT WAIT until the state is all counted?
      WHY

      • BeachBum

        They cant count and drink a Lone Star at the same time.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      Are they as drunk as I will soon be? I mean, no way Texas goes for Hillz.

      • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

        I know, and Trump’ll take it – it’s just funny to see her ahead. It’s like .2%, but still, most of the state is in central time zone so that’s just kinda funny as hell.

    • NYTimes agrees (though, it’s VERY close right now)

    • The Bird in a Red Pantsuit

      Please let this be true. I won’t ask for anything else for Christmas!

      • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

        For now, San Antonio (Bexar) is reporting

        • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

          Is that pretty liberal? I was thinking about them the other day…high hispanic population.

          • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

            Yeah they are usually liberal. Most of the cities are liberal to very light republican. It is the tiny population counties that there are a trillion of that messes things up.

      • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

        Nah, dont get excited about the whole state going HIllz. WOn’t happen.

        • The Bird in a Red Pantsuit

          I can still dream.

      • Scooby

        I’ll give up my 2 front teeth

        • Courser

          I only have one to give at this point.

    • snigsy

      I hope Ann Richards is laughing too.

    • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

      And the lead just flipped to Trump. Well those 3 minutes were exciting!

      • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

        Oh fucking hell, Johnson’ got 3 percent of the vote…that 3 percent could have been HUGE right now. You think most Johnson folks lean Hillary or Trump?
        Fucking third party stinkers.

        • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

          Trump. They’re Trump voters for sure.

          • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

            Well the .8 stein managed to steal so far would be nice.

  • ltmcdies

    thhttps://twitter.com/ABC/status/796154778736676864ese guys are playing outside Trump’s hotel

  • Serai 1
  • Ezio

    I’m curious how NY is going to do but our polls close at 9. I wouldn’t be surprised if it goes red because of Long Island…

  • Joe Beese

    With respect to Texas, Wolf has figured out that 1% returns may not be dispositive.

    God, what a clown.

  • chascates

    Little Marco wins reelection.

  • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

    I can’t believe Trump is winning any states – Some guy on MSNBC

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Guess racism, homophobia and misogyny are all right with them.

    • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

      Me, from my couch, also too.

  • Nounverb911
  • Sean McLaren
  • Tallmutha

    Li

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    I had a taco bowl for dinner. Home-made of course. I find Mexican food very settling for a nervous tummy.

    • M Dubs

      Oooh, authentic!

  • At the corner, turn left

    Watching PBS, they’re showing the ladies saying “Fuck you, Trump, with votes” by double digits. Dumb men up 5% for the Cheeto Benito.

    • Jen B_VA

      Dumb WHITE men.
      Interesting factoid: When they say “Women voters” they mean white women. When they say “men” they mean white men.
      When they say “minorities” they mean men and women both who are brown.
      Fun no?

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        Fun? No.

      • At the corner, turn left

        I’m not completely awake yet. I should have realized that. I like being at Jen U.

  • timpundit

    Can’t stand Rubio but how sweet will it be to read trump twitter bitch about it if Hillary takes the state?

  • A Grumpy Cat

    CARNEY IS OUR GOVERNOR TO NOBODY’S SURPRISE but seriously with only 0% reporting, come on, someone give me clues on Delaware’s votes.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I’m afraid to turn on the light and see how far down the bottle I am.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Good plan. If you can’t see, it’s at least half full.

      • notaten

        Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures!

    • Kavefish

      What was that rule about “if you can reach it, you can drink it”?

    • bbayliss

      Too late to drink any less.

  • Thiazin Red

    I know it won’t last bu Texas being blue right now is nice.

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      So I wasn’t hallucinating?

    • Lizzietish81

      and it just went red

      • SuffragetteCity4Ever

        Yeah, that was a glorious few minutes though

      • Shan the Nasty Libtart

        *refills wine glass*

  • Nounverb911
    • Amy!

      On the (arguably) good side, small-harvest years often end up having exceptional results (just a lot less of them) (well, and also some really bad wines that get dumped because they’re not worth aging).

    • I subtitled a French documentary on climate change recently. The big problem with warmer temperature in wine-growing areas is they increase the alcohol content of the wine to greater than the French find tolerable. Anglo-Saxons who drink to get blotto, on the other hand, can see an upside.

      • revenant

        that is interesting. thanks

  • rosenbomb

    Just opened my first beer of the night. Let’s do this!

    • Slacker!

      • rosenbomb

        But…I’m in mythical Mountain Time! It’s barely 6 PM!

        • OrG

          You wait til 6?

        • Anna Elizabeth

          So? I had my drink at 5PM!

    • OrG

      Catch up!

    • hendenburg2

      I’m on 4. Better catch up!

  • Reality Kills

    Don doesn’t even know if wife was voting for him. The man is a complete imbecile.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Protip: She wasn’t

  • Bill D. Burger

    The reliables are looking good… CNN projected Hillary Clinton the winner of the reliably blue states of New Jersey, Massachusetts, Delaware and Illinois on Tuesday night. CNN and NBC projected that the Democratic nominee would also win in Maryland and Rhode Island, as well as Washington, D.C.

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      Dems ALWAYS win MD. Nobody knows why.

      • revenant

        Montgomery County plus Baltimore- the rest of the state is mostly stupid shitkickers, but we have them waaay outnumbered

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Versus the Heartland, where acres can’t vote…

          • revenant

            until they give pigs, cows and chickens 3/5ths of a vote- look for the proposal to come up some time in the next four years

          • Doug Langley

            This elections’ been PIGGED!! Er, I mean rigged.

  • Joe Beese

    Blitzer: “Trump is now up by 700 votes in FL! It’s so close!”

    • Nastyinencinitas

      GROUND GAME.

  • Lizzietish81

    holy crap, TExas looks blue

    • timpundit

      wut?

    • Bill D. Burger

      I can’t believe it will happen. But, I’m ready to drink with both hands if it does.

    • timpundit

      Even if it doesn’t go blue…that’s amazing.

    • Was for a second on the NYT page, but it’s gone back light red.

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    That line in Philadelphia is pretty good.

  • Sheepshagger

    http://www.nytimes.com/elections/forecast/president

    This is good. Someone get the Thorazine for wolf blitzer please?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • yyyaz

      Hate videos. Upfist for FZ.

    • If FZ thought Reagan was awful, can you imagine the delicious concept albums he’d be writing about Trumpy today.

      • MynameisBlarney

        INORITE!!!???!!!111!!!ELEVENTYONE!!!

  • Nounverb911
  • TheGrandWaz00

    I’m looking forward to Duckworth chewing the GOP up in the Senate and Warren spitting them out.

  • bubbuhh
    • Things that make the sense that doesn’t

      • JVisconti

        Geography is hard.

        • MynameisBlarney

          So are maths.

          • JVisconti

            Hopefully voter counts will confirm that.

    • timpundit

      Oh Good he got his twitter on!

    • Jen B_VA

      UTah reporting problems across ENTIRE country eh????
      Did they mention that it was especially in Democratic strongholds, Trump?

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      No matter how many times I push the button for McMullin it keeps coming up “Trump”!
      – a Mormon in Utah

    • Ezio

      He forgot the part where he goes *Shakes fist at McMullin*

    • Shucky Ducky

      When did Utah secede? WHEN DID THE MORMONS BECOME THE QUEBECOIS?

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Oh yay! I missed crazy tweeter Donald. Yes, Donny. The Mormons control all voting everywhere via their magic underwear. It is known.

    • YoNastyBunny

      He hasn’t tweeted anything since 4:30 eastern time… I’m watching his feed for the shit storm…

    • Doug Langley

      Is this why Trump supporters keep chanting “U-TA-AH! U-TA-AH!”?

  • Lesser Tiffany

    SOMEONE CALL THE GODDAMNED PENIS STATE ALREADY I CAN’T TAKE THIS

  • Beaumarchais?

    Okay, this is fun—the NYT Live Forecaster:
    http://www.nytimes.com/elections/forecast/president

    • Me The People

      Recommended!

      • Beaumarchais?

        I like the echo of an analog age with steamship dials.

      • Me The People

        Although use with caution – contraindicated for psychoactive substances!

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    I am super jealous of the Hillary voter’s awesome headband on MSNBC, I’ll admit it.

    • Candy Apple

      Dammit, I was watching my favorite Hobbit on CNN and missed it.

  • LadyLaz

    F@ck, I am seriously anxious

  • Reality Kills

    I want to listen to Bannon after all this is over! Come on, right wing media (this is an oxymoron). Bring it in!

  • Joe Beese

    What the fuck is it with FL?

  • Nounverb911
    • Jen B_VA

      Not the gun’s fault. Surely.

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        How dare you politicize people getting shot while attempting to vote.

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      Jeebus F Christos…

    • Nounverb911
    • Nastyinencinitas

      That’s not big trouble. That’s a Tuesday.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Clinton currently ahead in Ohio, Florida, North Carolina and New Hampshire. Time for a shot of brandy.

    • yyyaz

      Skol!

      • Beanz&Berryz

        That’s Danishy sounding…

        • yyyaz

          One-size-fits-all Scandahoovian.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            With a full-Danish, naturalized US MIL “skols” are common in the house… and holiday aquavit also too

    • timpundit

      Fire’n up a fattie…

  • Anna Rompage

    Yay, home from work, drink in my hand, a pot of pint beans chock full of veggies and pork products is on the stove, and now I’m ready to see the first Nasty Woman get elected to our nation’s highest office!

    • WomanInAMood

      Me too!

      • Anna Rompage

        Cheers!

        Ching ching!

        • WomanInAMood

          And cheers to you too!

  • Msgr_PantsuitNation

    Pro tip: do not break glass ceilings with your vagina. Hillz is a professional.

  • Nounverb911
    • Joe Beese

      Borowitz is the breakout star of this cycle.

      • Vienna Woods

        Owen Ellickson libelz!!1!

      • Yeah, Rob Delaney just couldn’t match his Anti-Romney bits this time around…

      • starfanglednut

        Randy Rainbow libelz!1!!1

    • snigsy

      Hillz is so sly.

    • miss_grundy

      So, if Hillz gets more votes doesn’t that mean she wins? Tangerine Turd’s daddy must have purchased that degree from UPenn for Sonny Boy.

  • Shan the Nasty Libtart

    Say “hold your nose” one more time mufuka….

  • Sean McLaren

    Probably end up being irrelevant but it wouldn’t be an apocalypse if we didn’t have election lawyers headed to florida
    https://twitter.com/ChuckLane1/status/796159108298711040

    • Nastyinencinitas

      I think you spelled construction lawyers wrong…

  • BMW
    • Jen B_VA

      BINGO!!!!

      • Anna Rompage

        Vagingo!

    • artem1s

      fail sad weak

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      LOL that isn’t a map that is gramma’s bingo card!

      • Anna Rompage

        It’s so the old folk Faux views can understand what the hell is going on… CNN is becoming the new Fox News after all

    • MynameisBlarney

      They’re aiming for the “dumbed down” demo I reckon.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      HAHA TRUMP DENIED BIMBO!

      That was supposed to be Bingo, but fuck it, I’m leaving it.

    • Nastyinencinitas

      Dafuq?

    • notaten

      Pachinko!

    • At the corner, turn left

      Based on Othello?

    • snigsy

      Beer pong?

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Worst Phone EVERS!

    • Anna Rompage

      pachinco?

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      If I jump from one end to the other do I get kinged?

    • hendenburg2

      And Jony Ive thinks skueomorphism is a bad thing

    • Nasty Astraea
    • YoNastyBunny

      Plinko?

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    10 minutes until dinner. Hopefully not 2 hours before dinner is in the toilet.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Think positive. :)

  • Cheesus Crust
    • Jen B_VA

      Nice count down they have there ^.^
      PBS was sayin the Dems were gonna lose all them Senate races. HUH

  • Jonny On Maui

    Is anyone watching Fox to sample the sweet, sweet tears?

    • Sean McLaren

      are they crying yet? or just drunk?

      • OrG

        Both?

    • timpundit

      Recording. That’s a morning thing.

      • Objectifer

        Nerd.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Too early. The real shitshow should begin closer to 11 p.m. eastern.

    • Anna Rompage

      Hopefully there’s someone there to collect them for us to drink!

    • Nasty Astraea

      I’ll at least wait until there’s a state in that makes it impossible for Trump to win.

    • hendenburg2

      I’ll order the full flight

    • WomanInAMood

      I’ve been trying to cut back on my salt intake.

      How are you this evening?

      • Jonny On Maui

        I’m good! Sore, but good. got 2 rooms cleared out today.

        • WomanInAMood

          That’s great! And it sounds much better than listening to the election stuff.

          I’m seriously freaking out right now.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I’m not. Red always jumps to an early lead and then fizzles out…

          • WomanInAMood

            I’m usually a fairly positive, sanguine, yet snarky person. But the thought of the words “President” and “Trump” absolutely makes me crazy.

            Thanks for the sanity. Between you and Jen, I may not lose my mind tonight.

    • Jon Sussex

      Rove is still unskewing his pole.

  • Juan de Payaso

    Just got home from work, what did I miss?

    *checks CNN*

    Ohio, you joker you. Just when I wrote you off a few weeks ago…

  • Nounverb911
  • Joe Beese

    Trump up by 28 votes in FL.

    28.

    • Walter Wellstone

      How many precincts?

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      Wow.

    • WomanInAMood

      Has Orlando been counted yet?

  • mancityhombres

    CNN has Clinton up by 20 electoral, but down by 700k votes

    • Synykyl

      Well they projected HRC winning NJ before the polls were even closed, so there was no popular vote count for it. I think that 700k lead in the popular vote is meaningless right now,

  • MAZS

    you can’t say “advisor Omarosa Manigault” without some type of disclaimer.

  • Msgr_PantsuitNation
  • WomanInAMood

    Ohio is looking promising, according to Pbs.

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    Going through Senate races – no surprises.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Florida WHAT THE FUCK

    • Walter Wellstone

      We don’t need FL if the firewall holds and it looks like it will.

      • Juan de Payaso

        I never thought we’d win Florida. Surprised it’s this close.

        • Jen B_VA

          We’re winnin FL.

          • Juan de Payaso

            I hope. Too many right wing military types in some areas who can’t pull their head out of their fourth point of contact – their ass. It’s an old Army Airborne joke and applies in situations like this.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Was trying to get some feel for where the RWNJs are, but they don’t seem to have an open thread/livebloog at WND, and I ain’t touching blightfart tonight. *shrug* ssorry.

    • Jen B_VA

      I do not even wanna know right now.
      It is all gonna be TRUMPPPPP!!!!
      and if he loses it will switch to RRRIIIGGGGGEEEEDDDDDD

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    Early numbers in NC show Clinton outperforming Obama.

  • The Bird in a Red Pantsuit

    I need a break. Going to shop for survival supplies in case the world ends tomorrow.

    • Joe Beese

      Remember: white rice, not brown.

    • OrG

      You don’t have BOOZE?

    • Nastyinencinitas

      Canned clams and hobo beans?

  • Bill O’Reilly says on FOX News that their was no secret Trump army turn out, things leaning Hillary. Seems upset.

    • Nastyinencinitas

      Oh noes!

      • Its the death of traditional America. What will happen to all the old white people who want to take us back to a time when certain people knew to stay in their place.

        • Nastyinencinitas

          Next thing you know you’re going to snap your fingers at a passing waitress who’s one of them and she will openly give you attitude.

        • Mr Canoehead

          Pepperidge Farm remembers.

    • JurisGal

      ” Seems upset” – so, same as always?

    • Jen B_VA

      No secret Trump Army just like no Deep Conservative Surge???
      Wonder how many years republicans are gonna fall for that silent majority stuff

      • Mr Canoehead

        The silent majority is the Canadian girlfriend of politics.

  • The Witch of Endor

    c-span: Haven for opinionated drunks of America.

    • What about us?

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        We have facts, not opinions!

      • The Witch of Endor

        Wonkette: Haven of Amercan drunks with educated opinions.

      • Msgr_PantsuitNation

        I’m not an opinionated drunk. Yes, I am.

  • timpundit

    Oh God, Florida man.

  • Joe Beese

    I don’t care if we have to beat him in NC rather than FL, as long as we beat him.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I. Want. Florida.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Both! I want BOTH!

        • Nastyinencinitas

          Well you own one of them, right? Make a deal!

          • MynameisBlarney

            I’m on it. Sending a text to Unknown Hinson right now.
            He’ll straighten this shit out.

  • Serai 1
    • Nastyinencinitas

      Very nice!

  • CripesAmighty

    Big NC counties breaking hard for Hillz: mecklenbug, wake, forsyth, gulford, durham, in 60-70% range–looking better with Orange as a kicker…

    • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

      Yes! I love you, Queen City.

      • CripesAmighty

        Eat shit, Pat.

  • American’s Peen looks super rashy.

    • yyyaz

      Ever been to Spring Break? Yes, it is capitalized there.

  • cynmac’s bigly nasty pussy

    Dafuq – Guardian shows TX as light blue?!?

    • Serai 1

      You’re giving me a girl stiffie.

    • artem1s

      NYT too but less than 1% reporting

    • veska

      NBC had it at 48%-48%

    • OrG

      Thanks,Obama!

    • Msgr_PantsuitNation

      Psilocybins.

  • Nounverb911
    • Bad Hombre Ron

      RIGGING THE ELECTION!

  • Florida close, but Palm Beach and Broward still just starting to report.

    • Jen B_VA

      Numbers are pointless until 830-9 except in safe states.

      • 85% of the vote counted in Florida. But it is important to see where it needs to be counted.

        FOX News seems down in the dumps, which is always a good sign.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Broward for sure has to be blue. So blue it’s….like really DEEP fucking blue.

      • The early vote their, Palm Beach and Dade all goes about 66-33 Democratic. Why they will tend to push the vote in Hillz direction.

  • Scooby

    Oy, WaPo shows Texas leaning blue!

  • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

    Come on, Carolina. Come on friends and neighbors.

    • Anna Rompage

      Yay, you’re hanging out with us this evening!

      Fingers crossed! My Bernie friends in Ashville have plugged their noses and done what’s right…

      • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

        You’re in NC?! Yess!!!

        • Anna Rompage

          No. I’m in Oregon, but have a lot of friends who moved to Ashville and are standing with her, in their pant suits and all

          • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

            I thought I would know if you were in NC. We know you fine folks are coming through up there. If you come South anytime soon, you let me know.

          • Anna Rompage

            For sure! It would be fun to have a drinky thing with the lovely Deplorable Ms MLG and any other wonketeers in that area!

            And if you ever find yourself in Portland, I hope you do the same!

  • Cheesus Crust
  • SecludedCompound

    Just stopped in to say: FL, you’re givin me palpitations; Wonketeers, have fun and drink too much!

  • Joe Beese

    Even if he squeaks by in FL and NC, he still has the Brown Fist in NV to deal with.

    • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

      Hey, if my state delivers the knockout it’ll be fitting.

    • timpundit

      Tooo many possible… jokes, can’t think…

  • Msgr_PantsuitNation

    Bye, Bayh.

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    Nuts. Republicans hold Indiana Senate seat

  • Oh, god, Florida, get it together.

  • Marion in Savannah

    Okay. I’ve watched some of the VEEERY early returns and now I’m heading back under the bed until about midnight or 1AM. I’ve had just about enough of speculation and “what if” that I can stand.

    • ltmcdies

      gotta say this stuff is so much easier on one when followed on Wonkette and twitter….don’t have to listen to the mindless drone of anchors filling in air time with speculation

  • mancityhombres

    CNN is calling DC for Clinton with 0%, and Rhode Island for Clinton, even though she’s currently trailing by 6%

    • YoNastyBunny

      DC is fine. It’s like 98% Dem.

  • Nounverb911
  • Texas is blue again on the NYT site…

    http://www.nytimes.com/elections/results/president

  • Joe Beese

    Lots of Miami-Dade votes still out. I think FL may be OK.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Pinellas county is apparently red atm, my guess is downtown St. Pete hasn’t reported. The good news is Crist is ahead in the house race.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Was rather curious about that myself.

  • Joe Beese

    DUCKWORTH WINS!

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      Never in doubt. Never in doubt. She is the Tea Party slayer!

  • Captain Kraut

    I’m so confident, I’m going to bed.

    See you later, we’re going to party like it’s 1999.

    • timpundit

      Is that what doves sound like?

  • 538 is saying senate is not going to happen for dems.

    dammit.

    • Walter Wellstone

      That sucks. I hope he’s wrong.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      2018. Gonna happen, bc Hillz gonna make it happen

      • Msgr_PantsuitNation

        Senators: hide your pillows.

      • Bec Jenn

        I was thinking the Obama’s are going to make it happen. Community organizer thing and all that.

    • hendenburg2

      Senate? Let’s just hope that Nate Silver is pulling a michigan

    • Joe Beese
    • yyyaz

      So, Kaine will be prez by July. Wunnerful.

    • Msgr_PantsuitNation

      Senate is so fetch.

    • Yr. Gma

      Silver sucks and has turned into a click-bait entertainer.

  • Nounverb911
    • Msgr_PantsuitNation

      Spoiler: He voted Potato.

      • The Farce Side

        Closest thing on the ballot to a Bush?

  • House0fTheBlueLights
  • Joe Beese

    Rubio, you suck, eat shit, catch the cholera (with votes), etc.

  • The Farce Side
    • Sean McLaren

      a lot of prayers from athiests

      • The Farce Side

        Possible disaster brings out the religion in everyone.

  • SecludedCompound

    Also, this “speed meter” thing the NYTimes has is fucking the stupidest bit of irresponsible click bait I have seen in election coverage maybe ever.

    http://www.nytimes.com/elections/forecast/president

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      Yeah, I looked at that for about 3 seconds and went “Gah, no!”

      • SecludedCompound

        It’s just ridiculous. the outcome swingin around by 1-2 EVs? Fucking nonsense!

    • Joe Beese

      Ooh… twitchy!

    • I Am Helpy

      I love it, for the same reason that I love rollercoasters.

      • SecludedCompound

        XD XD

    • Doug Langley

      If you’re looking for something a tad more sensible:

      http://www.dailykos.com

  • Serai 1
  • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

    This is probably already mentinoned, but we’re running several dozen comments every 10-15 mins.

    Clinton is leading in NC with 55% reporting, even after all the bullshit voter suppression, she’s up by ~5.5 points. Beautiful.

  • Beaumarchais?

    Twitter seems to be nervous about Florida now…

    Mark Murray
    ‏@mmurraypolitics
    10m10 minutes ago
    With 86% in, Clinton and Trump are now essentially tied in FL, 49%-49%.
    Lot of Broward, Palm Beach and some Dade left

    • Msgr_PantsuitNation

      Buchanan by a nose.

      • Crank Tango

        don’t blame me, I voted for dimpled chad.

    • Crank Tango

      isn’t broward the dem stronghold?

  • Sean McLaren

    How is this happening? How are we sitting here waiting for people to count pieces of paper to see if the world is going to end?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      It’s terrifying.

    • bbayliss

      Democracy?

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      Isn’t that how the Bubbas felt in 2008 and 2012?

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Ya, but they are dainty snowflakes who think the world is gonna end whenever a not-Neanderthal is in the White House… Trump is a True-Extinction Level event

        • Shan the Nasty Libtart

          That’s a nuance I don’t think they’re capable of processing.

    • Jen B_VA

      Because Democracy is a rotten no good horrible system of government….
      but it is better than anything else.

    • At the corner, turn left

      Because we don’t have a Dear Leader, Obama notwithstanding?

    • Courser

      Nobody ever said democracy was easy. Or fast.

  • CNN is projecting Lil’ Marco to win in Florida. Dana Brash (?) just reported that she has a Republican source saying that they project a Clinton win in Florida. AND, that Lil’ Marco — enthusiastic supporter of Trump, jeez Marco was Trump right about you? — is outperforming Trump in Florida. What’s up with Florida? Trump trounced Lil’ Marco in the primaries. Florida man strikes again. Fickle bastards.

    • miss_grundy

      He’s winning on name recognition because Floridians are poopyheads.

    • OrG

      They are dumb.I know this from personal experience.

    • BeachBum

      Trump beat Marco with only GOP voters. Toss in the other 52 % might be a different story.

  • Candy Apple

    If Trump takes Florida, what state(s) does he need to lose so that we know he has no path to victory?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Nevada, NH, NC, Alaska.

      • mtn_socialist

        PA & MI

  • A Grumpy Cat

    COME ON VA JUST GO BLUE ALREADY.

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      You can’t spell vagenda with VA!!!

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      We offered up our firstborn, harmonica-playing son for this!

  • Nounverb911
    • mtn_socialist

      Donald Trump is “failed.”

    • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

      Trump: Not President

      • TJ Barke

        Failure, loser, sad, low energy.

    • YoNastyBunny

      Fuck that guy… (Be tee dub, I can’t wait to say this OFFICIALLY.)

    • At the corner, turn left

      Lawsuits will ensue.

  • Juan de Payaso

    Maggie Hassan and Debby Ross are up :)

    • mtn_socialist

      Go Mags!

  • At the corner, turn left

    Goin’ on 10:30 AM JST and enjoying my English Breakfast Tea. PBS showing Trump train wreak campaign HQ with Boris Epstein. BORIS? Russian connection! Pretty low energy behind him.

    Now at Clinton HQ and things are jumpin’.

  • TheDogAteMyVote
  • Walter Wellstone

    TX leaning red.

    • Blue again on NYT… I am enjoying that it’s flipping so often right now…

      EDIT: HA! Mississippi is blue right now too! (though, less than 1000 votes counted, still funny!)

  • lucidamente
  • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

    Heh, remember all Trump’s bad moutinng about how if he loses PA it was totally fraud – She’s up 81% to 18%. I was all excited but that’s only 1% reporting.

  • Serai 1
    • Shoto

      Pile o’ Doggers!

    • Courser

      Oooh, weiners & weim!

  • TJ Barke

    By Celestia, let it end soon…

    • Jen B_VA

      bout 10/ 11 eastern, earliest

      • TJ Barke

        As a western, that’s not too bad for me.

  • LadyLaz

    Gah! Florida!!!!

    • yyyaz

      Virginia, too also.

  • Shoto

    What electric teevee venue are y’all Wonkers looking at? If I have to deal with Tweety Hardball, I might not be able to deal with MSNBC. And Wolf Blitzkrieg over at CNN? Can’t deal with handitard infotainer neither, also, too.

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      BBC Worldwide.

      • Shoto

        There ya go.

    • Vienna Woods

      We’re watching CBC!! Sadly, right now talking to David Frum.

  • Sean McLaren
  • Joe Beese
  • Nounverb911

    Okay everyone take a break….

    https://youtu.be/a_f0n-EqRkY

  • Brian

    WTF, Tim Kaine? You had one job!!!!!

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      My guess is that northern VA hasn’t been counted yet. Heavy with zee librulz. No need for panic yet.

      • The Witch of Endor

        ^^^^THIS^^^^

      • bless you

    • Jen B_VA

      What Cog said. VA is going blue as it does. They do this to the rest of the nation every election, never mind like 60% of the pop lives in the north.

  • MSNBC: Trump projected to win the Razorbump State.

    • Walter Wellstone

      Where the fuck is that?

    • Msgr_PantsuitNation

      This is why we’re in Pantsuit Nation.

    • Count Awesome

      Duggars must have voted twice.

    • SayItWithWookies

      The Runner Stubbles…

  • Juan de Payaso

    Trump wins S.C. and Alabama. It’s over.

    • Major_Major_Major

      I’m shocked he won those traditionally blue states.

      • Juan de Payaso

        You know what state he’s probably not going to win? It also ends with “Carolina” :)

        • Major_Major_Major

          Damn right. I hope NC and Fl both votalogically Dick punch his hopes

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    Big shock – Arkansas to Trump

  • Joe Beese

    Blitzer: “Look how close the Electoral College is!”

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I can see it from my house!

    • Shoto

      It’s about time CNN took Wolf out behind the barn and did an Old Yeller on him. With votes.

      • Jen B_VA

        With a pension.

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        I had to turn the sound off. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

  • Nounverb911
    • Joe Beese

      Ain’t no Heaven for a thug.

  • Portia McGonagal

    I’m getting too old to deal w/ Florida.

    • Jonny On Maui

      It’s okay. Geologically speaking, it won’t be here for much longer.

  • Fuck Gerrymandering!

  • A Grumpy Cat

    They have Mississippi leaning blue. Bullshit, but it amsuses me.

  • rosenbomb

    If anyone is stressed, look at this pic of my ferrets licking their bellies. It will help you feel better!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/91ea4cc0715b4cf1ff0e286848cb680012123410948501108bba18ba9344b802.jpg

    • Suse

      Wish I could do that!

      • Jen B_VA

        Why did God give men ribs?
        So women had some use for them.
        Badda tish!

      • Yr. Gma

        A little joke from my (long dead) ex to distract you: Guy sees a dog licking his dick. “Wish I could do that.” Second guy: “You better pet him first.”
        I’m here all week.

      • Bill D. Burger

        They’ll let you do it, but you got to pet them first.

      • MynameisBlarney

        They’ll bite the ever-livin shit outta ya if ya try.

    • Bad Hombre Ron

      A pair of energetic ferrets racing up my legs would be a welcome distraction right now.

      • rosenbomb

        Mine will gladly bite your toes!

  • Lance Thrustwell

    godfuckindammitmotherfuckinsonofabtchhilllary’sgottawinwe’vegottogettheSenatewecan’tleaveitunderrepublicancontrolWhatheFUCKisiswrongwiththeAmericanelectorateIfeellikeI’mlivinginaforeigncountrywhatthefuckishappeningsomebodyholdmepleaseIdon’tknowifIcanmakeittonight.pleaseGoddon’tletoutrcountrybeledbyapsychopathicidiotfor4years.

  • Portia McGonagal

    Congrats Tammy Duckworth!!

  • vivian

    OK. What’s the fucking point of a Key Race Alert when they announce “it’s too close to call”? Hey everyone! Something’s happening, but we don’t know what! Idiots.

    • Joe Beese

      All part of the “CNN Experience”.

      • vivian

        Wolf Blizter is dumber than your average dachshund.

        • Shoto

          Dachshund Libelz!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Comey is one of their advisers.

    • BeverlyCrusher’sWig

      It’s like their “Breaking News” banner that they keep up all day long.

      • Shoto

        “Breaking News! Right after these messages…”

        Pfffftttt…

        • revenant

          it all translates to “For chrissake don’t change the channel!!11!!”
          it has nothing to do with news

  • bbayliss

    STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS!

    • You still have emotions? You need to drink more.

      • TJ Barke

        No, until I go unconscious that just makes me have more louder emotions.

  • starfanglednut

    I’m confused. What’s going on with the senate?

    • Sean McLaren

      madness, chaos, election night

    • bbayliss

      Too close to call

  • Walter Wellstone

    TX back to blue.

  • NBC calling the house for Republicans. THANKS GERRY!

    • TJ Barke

      I thought we kicked their ass back in 1945…

      • Anna Rompage

        That would be Gerry with a “J”

    • I already called a fuck gerrymandering.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Fuck.

  • mancityhombres

    Clinton still leads texas

    • dshwa

      That would be the ultimate revenge of the Jeb!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Major outlets seem focused on the election itself, so haven’t seen anything about this. Shooting in CA shuts down polling place. Incident does not appear to be directed at the polling place.

    • Yr. Gma

      A shooting in the San Gabriel valley is not generally news, unfortunately.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Only glancingly interesting because it affected a polling location.

    • bbayliss

      Saw earlier, shooter had entered a nearby house?
      didnt sound political

  • Serai 1
    • Anna Elizabeth

      That’s so pretty! :D

    • Suse

      Pretty

    • LadyLaz

      Ooooh purty

    • bbayliss

      So beautiful.
      Dahlias?

      • Serai 1

        I believe so.

    • At the corner, turn left

      So, you’re deliberately trying to keep us cheered up. How am I supposed to keep my adrenaline up if you keep doing this?

      Pretty.

  • TheDogAteMyVote
  • Anna Rompage

    Why is the Rawstory map showing Texas going blue and FL red? For fucks sake, now I am stressed…

    • Claire

      Texas is blueish in the Times and Guardian too.

      • Anna Rompage

        Which is great, but FL going red… That makes me unhappy

      • Ark and Miss are blue on NYT right now…

  • bbayliss

    Half the country yet to speak.

    • mtn_socialist

      Not even halftime yet.

    • Bec Jenn

      Polls still have 20 minutes left here in AZ

  • CogitoErgoBibo
  • A Grumpy Cat
    • Lori

      2 votes? WTH?

  • Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines!

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Republicans are red
    Democrats are blue
    Florida is schizophrenic
    And so is Florida

  • Nounverb911
  • SayItWithWookies

    OMFG — PBS just showed a stat on their rotating state count — with 2 votes counted, Trump is ahead in Maine by 100% to 0%.

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      LOL!

  • btwbfdimho

    Texas…is getting blue…

    • Shan the Nasty Libtart

      Weird….

      • vivian

        Dems can count. So results come faster.

  • JVisconti

    Irony is seeing Red Lobster ads during TV coverage. You gotta perform man.
    – Queen B Knowles

    • Joe Beese

      When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster

  • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

    TOKE!

    • Drink! AND again to wash it down

      • The Farce Side

        Done and done. What now?

        • tehbaddr

          What, you stopped?

    • Anna Rompage

      Amen!

    • TJ Barke

      Indeed.

  • Sean McLaren
    • SayItWithWookies

      That proves it’s rigged!

  • chascates

    Bayh loses!

    • dshwa

      Republican lite always loses. Someday Democrats will learn that.

      • Shoto

        These idiots need to issue a full-throated endorsement of old-school liberalism. “Hell yes, I’m a liberal. Why aren’t you?”

  • Serai 1
    • Anna Rompage

      Now all I need is some DMT…

    • Kavefish

      So… You’re saying more blue than red?

      I approve :-D

      (p.s. very pretty!)

  • hendenburg2

    Brian Williams just said “the vote in the north”

    So I stood up and started shouting “The Vote in the North!”
    While hoisting my drinking horn.

    • TJ Barke

      The North Remembers…

      • hendenburg2

        My roommates looked at me weird. Partly because they’re somewhat conservative, partly because they haven’t seen the second half of season 6

    • Joe Beese

      I always say “King of the North” like Flanders saying “Nothing at all”.

    • Brian

      Call up General Lee and the Army of Northern Virginia!

    • hendenburg2

      Let me make something clear – I really do own a drinking horn. I’m not exaggerating this…

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2b32e6985464aada26f81e001405220d89e8434532a7a3da2bc582ecd96a3189.jpg

      • Gayer Than Thou

        You are also apparently lying on your side. Which I can understand.

  • gullywompr

    Greeting from Loudoun County Virginia, where Hillz is currently enjoying a double-digit lead. You’re welcome.

    • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

      Bless you.

    • NastyBossetti

      My bro lives there. His polling place featured an armed Trump supporter outside, asking people who they were voting for.

      • gullywompr

        Yeah. Stupid is as stupid does.

    • revenant

      where in LoCo? i lived in Hamilton, Bluemont and Ashburn; HS in Purcellville, back in the early Pleistocene

      • gullywompr

        Hamilton, been here almost 25 years.

  • Nounverb911
    • Bad Hombre Ron

      It’s okay, they’re homeopathic votes.

    • Joe Beese

      SURGE! SURGE!

    • Shoto

      Jill Stein is no Ralph Nader.

      Wait: Yes she is, evidently…

    • DAMN YOU, FLORIDA MAN!

    • ltmcdies

      fucking Florida….

    • Doug Langley

      Is she going to start those chads hanging again?

      • Nounverb911

        Is Katherine Harris back from Chad yet?

  • Vienna Woods

    Hah! Mississippi blue. 395-277.

  • schmannity

    Hooray! Marco can ignore his job and draw a paycheck for the next 6 years.

    • Just means another vote for immigration reform.

    • mtn_socialist

      Like a typical member of the GTFOP.

  • Brian

    I don’t like this, I don’t like this one bit!

  • Thewalkerama

    I work in law enforcement, in Kansas City, Kansas, and in our most Hispanic area’s we’ve only had to deal with 3 idiots outside of the polls.

    • Anna Rompage

      How was it in 2012?

      • Thewalkerama

        Even less drama, usually the only thing we get is a few signs posted within 250 feet of the entrance.

        • Jen B_VA

          At my polling place in VA they had Trump signs 20 feet from the door.
          No lie.
          Hanging on the wall of the Parson House which went with the Church my polling place was at.

          • Thewalkerama

            Different state may have different laws, here you can’t even wear the shirt of a candidate inside.

  • Cheesus Crust
  • A Grumpy Cat

    NYT has Kent County, Delaware blue. LOL no. But they haven’t counted New Castle yet, and that’ll go for Hillz. Like y’all that worried about our tiny 3 votes.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I do. I work remotely with a ton of DE elected/appointed officials. Mainly Dems. I want them happy, dammit.

  • tehbaddr

    So what’s up wanking, fapping and rubbing wonkers?!

  • Nounverb911
    • A Grumpy Cat

      DON’T JINX ANYTHING CLINTON PEOPLE.

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    Headed to the kitchen for a refill. Do try not to set anything on fire till I get back, kay?

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Oddly enough, redstate has a very nice, clear ticker at the top of individual articles, not the main page, if anybody wants to open it in a new tab.

  • Nounverb911
    • Antonin Dvorak

      That is two seats flipped!

  • Whoever the map guy is on CNN is picking rural counties in Florida at random to see who has votes left to give. What are the producers and other support people doing over there? Are they all soused?

    • Joe Beese

      Jon King.

      He can tap that touch screen like Paganini.

      • Unfortunately, he can’t seem to do that, talk intelligently, and fend off the stupidity of Wolf Blitzer at the same time. Maybe no one could.

  • Joe Beese
    • Laffing Crow

      I’ve got about 500 of those little fuckers running around here but, awwwww

  • Objectifer

    Went over to Faux
    Ed Rollins
    first words out of his mouth
    “There’s a lot of Puerto Ricans in Florida.”

    • NastyBosGrl

      Oy

    • Anna Rompage

      Is that what they’re calling Cubans these days?

      • cynmac’s bigly nasty pussy

        CBS was counting Cubans separately from other Latinos. It was interesting.

    • bbayliss

      Perfect

    • Jen B_VA

      …..they must not be being conservative ENOUGH again

    • doktorzoom

      Actually, that’s not inaccurate — lots of folks leaving Puerto Rico for FL because of the territory’s crap economy

    • A Grumpy Cat

      So they’re cool with that, but not Hillz?

  • Suse
  • Cheesus Crust

    Here’s the problem: if this race is close, the CONS are going to decide that, yes, the problem was they really weren’t racist enough and we are going to have to slap this shit down every 4 years.

    • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

      That was gonna happen no matter what. Trumpism is the shape of the Republican Party for the next ten years. Maybe a lot longer. This battle was never gonna be over with one little vote.

    • OrG

      Don’t they always do that?

    • Bub the Bad Zombre

      Every TWO years! Dems have to start getting out and voting their asses off in off year elections!

    • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

      Well, I mean EV’s look good, but yeah popular vote is too close for comfort. That’s our system.

  • LadyLaz

    Ok I need a break. I’m gonna work out or some shit somehow

  • Anna Rompage

    Donald won Alabama, no surprise there…

    • Be Gin

      Nobody ever “wins” Alabama or South Carolina. Somebody just does a good job of dog whistling.

  • chascates

    No surprise, House to remain in GOP control.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    So, turns out I can shake the tipsy by shakin’ it to music.

    You are now rockin’ with wiil i.am and Anna, Bitch. XD

    • The Farce Side

      Just loaded that song into my walking to work mix today. :)

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I’ve listened to it 100+ times today XD

  • mtn_socialist

    PBS projects that the HofR will remain fucked.

    • Jen B_VA

      well yeah. This is why we NEED to show up for the midterms this time.

      • mtn_socialist

        Amen to that.

  • Nounverb911
    • georgiaburning

      he needs a lap

  • fuck you IN again. i am ashamed to live next door to you.

    but then i’m always ashamed to live next door to you.

    • Doug Langley

      Mind boggling I was born and raised there.

    • Lori

      Imagine how horrible it is for those of us who live in this FSM forsaken place.

  • Sean McLaren
  • Joe Beese

    I try not to be judgmental about the fact that the rural counties vote Republican, but I’m struggling.

  • Walter Wellstone

    Arkansas leaning blue?

  • RumAddled

    why did they abandon Murphy???

    • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

      There’s got to be a scandal there. It was abrupt and weird, especially with an opponent as theoretically weak as Rubio.

  • beingreleased

    Virginia is getting on my nerves right now.

    • VA always looks like it’s going to be red until the northern results come in. Which happens later. Don’t panic yet.

    • Jgb979

      It’s always the left side of the state which comes in first in that runs the R totals up. There’s almost no one who lives out there

      She’s crushing my (Henrico) county, and almost always Dem heavy vote heavy nova that comes in last.

    • DeplorableTXTacoTruckofDoom

      Ohio’s annoying me.

  • Joe Beese

    Jon King: “We don’t think Clinton is going to win Mississippi tonight.”

    You can’t get this quality of analysis anywhere else.

    • MississippiLefty

      Yes, but you know what? She won 13-10 in my kid’s kindergarten class today!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Has e turned into a hologram yet?