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Oh hello. It is November 8, 2016, and we don’t know how we made it to this day, now that US America is finally going out to exercise its right to vote for president and also Senate seats and maybe even dogcatcher, we dunno, we Christmas Treed the local stuff on our ballot. (NO WE DID NOT, WE ARE KIDDING.) But here we are! By the end of tonight, or maybe sometime next year, we will know who will take the keys to Air Force One from Barack Obama. Will it be Hillary Clinton? YES IT WILL, as long as you dingleberries get out there and vote for her.

We had been a full-timer at Wonkette for about eight and a half seconds when Ted Cruz ruined the nice thing we had going, by announcing he was running for president on March 23, 2015. That opened the floodgates, as approximately 64,739 other Republicans decided running for president looked way fun, including Donald J. Trump, a man who started as a joke candidate, and who is now a joke candidate who inexplicably became the Republican nominee for president and could actually be elected if people don’t GO VOTE RIGHT NOW.

Oh wait, it’s not “inexplicably” — we can “explicably” this just fine! You see, no matter how bigoted and racist Trump’s opponents were, he was MORE bigoted and racist. He started his campaign by calling Mexicans a bunch of rapists, for god’s sake! And when the other Republicans would occasionally try to say the hatred that defined Trump’s campaign was no bueno, like Jeb Bush always did, they would just lose even harder than they were losing before, because, for enough of the Republican base, Trump’s disgusting behavior was exactly what they had been waiting for. Build a wall! Deport the Muslims! Defeat the worldwide Jew-spiracy! Put the journalists in a pen and viciously mock them! Hell, the story of the GOP side of this campaign is that they were so busy hating so many minorities that they mostly forgot to hate fags, except for when the Supreme Court decided to gay the entire nation right in the middle of primary season.

One by one, Trump beat all his opponents. He insulted Carly Fiorina’s face, and then he beat her. He beat Little Marco Rubio and sent Jeb Bush crying in Spanish to his disappointed mother. He vanquished Rand Paul and Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee and Bobby Jindal early on, because they are pathetic twats. He tweeted how fugly Ted Cruz’s wife was, insinuated that Cruz’s dad murdered JFK, and then he beat the shit out of him in the primary, which is fine, because Everybody Hates Ted Cruz.

Anyway, the Republican primary attempted to murder us dead, but it did not succeed because WHAT UP, WE ARE NOT A DEAD PERSON BLOGGING YOU RIGHT NOW.

On the Democratic side, there was a lady named Hillary Clinton and a guy named Bernie Sanders, and they had a nice primary and nobody insulted anybody and once Hillary was chosen as the winner, everybody shut up about it and rallied around her immediately, and the Democratic Party lived happily ever after in a luscious valley filled with candy canes and blow jobs and good will. No, seriously, that’s what happened and if you remember it differently, you must be a pretty Forgetful Frank!

Just kidding, it was a REALLY NASTY Democratic primary, but now all the Sanders supporters are following their candidate’s lead and voting for her, except for a few Sanders supporters who are dicks. We tried to stay above the fray here at Ye Olde Wonkette, as our staff was about half and half when it came to whom we were supporting. PERSONALLY, we were totally #InTheTank for Hillary and wanted to get the damn primary over with. But UGH, it almost killed us. However, it seems we are not dead right now, so good try, Democratic primary!

(SIDENOTE: At various points throughout the election season, we have vague memories of something called a “Jill Stein” who was a third party idiot, but we might have hallucinated that. Oh, and Gary Johnson? Was he a thing? Evan McMullin, the Mormon spoiler from Mormontown? Meh, we could Google these people, but we don’t really feel like it.)

But then it was time for the general election! There was a GRRRR ARGH Republican National Convention in Cleveland, and there was a happy nice time Democratic Convention in Philadelphia, and then Donald Trump figured he should attack a nice Muslim Gold Star family for two or eleven weeks, we don’t remember.

And debates! There were debates! Hillary Clinton won all of them handily, even though there was a predatory pervert breathing at her face that she was “wrong!” and a liar and crooked NASTY WOMAN.

hillary-nasty-graphic
Buy your own copy of this t-shirt and tote bag and coffee mug RIGHT HERE!
The debates weren’t over yet when Cocktober began in earnest. Grab them by the pussy! The FBI and Russia interfering with the election to try to get the pussy-grabber in office! Anthony Weiner! Wikileaks! COCKTOBER WAS THE WORST AND IT TRIED TO KILL US! But we made it through it, as you can see, because it is now Cock-vember.

Oh, did we forget to mention that, since the election lasted over three hundred years, many other awful news things happened that weren’t specifically related to the presidential race, things that caused Donald Trump and his former GOP opponents to be the worst? The Paris terror attacks, the horrific and ongoing Syrian refugee crisis, all the mass shootings, just really awful stuff. Even worse, throughout the entire campaign, Hillary Clinton was doing Benghazi with her emails!

Speaking of, do we all remember the day Hillz had to testify for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN ELEVEN GODDAMN HOURS before the House Select Committee on Benghazi, which turned up no information and only made her look presidential as fuck?

All of these things and more — and by “more” we mean whatever memories of this election we have already repressed — tried to kill us dead, but NOT A FUCKING ONE SUCCEEDED, because HEY-O LOOK AT US BEING AMONG THE LIVING!

Monday night in Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton said, “I regret deeply how angry the tone of the campaign became,” and somebody in the crowd screamed “NOT YOUR FAULT!”

Truly, that person is correct. It is NOT Hillary Clinton’s fault that this historic election season was nasty and disgusting and tried to literally murder everybody. Hell, it TRIED to murder her, but OH LOOK SHE’S STILL STANDING, YOU FUCKS, and she is fabulous.

She's got this
She’s got this

In summary, Hillary is alive and you are alive and we are alive, also too, and we are going to have a REALLY GOOD DAY TODAY.

Now let’s go win a damn election.

$
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  • MynameisBlarney
    • msanthrope

      that is so mesmerizing

  • Msgr_Dolph

    Truly, that person is correct. It is NOT Hillary Clinton’s fault that this historic election season was nasty and disgusting and tried to literally murder everybody.

    You misspelled ‘histrionic’.

  • Blackest Noobs

    Next time Republicans wanna take someone down…they really ought not to give the opposition a 11-hour pre-game helper…just saying…..

  • Michael Smith
    • The Wanderer

      It’s a pity Daenerys couldn’t get a visa to come here from Essos (Standard Oil of Ohio reference). I’ve always wanted to see a dragon in flight.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • The Wanderer

      The People (on line and waiting) have spoken!

    • Good_Trouble_Yall

      That gives me a warm fuzzy feeling in my happy spot.

      • MynameisBlarney

        It made my no-no place twitch.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      HELL YEAH.

  • Dr.Zoidberg
  • Scooby

    Trump was clever. While the other Republican candidates were reading the articles on Fox and Breitbart Trump was reading the comments.

    • MynameisBlarney

      And when you say trump was reading the comments, you really mean, someone summarized them for him.

      • Scooby

        In cartoon form.

        • MynameisBlarney

          With small, one or two syllable words.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        Finger puppets.

    • OddMan

      I know, it’s like someone said, Donald is reification of all those Right Wing Blogs and ‘News’ site comment sections, come to life.

  • Joe Beese
  • dslindc

    On the Democratic side, there was a lady named Hillary Clinton and a guy named Bernie Sanders, and they had a nice primary and nobody insulted anybody and once Hillary was chosen as the winner, everybody shut up about it and rallied around her immediately, and the Democratic Party lived happily ever after in a luscious valley filled with candy canes and blow jobs and good will. No, seriously, that’s what happened and if you remember it differently, you must be a pretty Forgetful Frank!

    Who O’Malley, Who Chafee, and “Democrat” Who Webb libelz!

    • Historicat

      O’Malley plucks out a sad tune on his guitar and thinks about what might have been.

  • Allen03

    If you live in California, don’t forget you can vote on whether porn actors should be required to wear condoms!

    • Swampgas_Man

      And indeed, on whether ANYONE IN THE STATE can demand a health report on any porn actor, anytime.

      • puredog

        My, that would seem to violate both the letter and sprit of HIPAA.

  • Joe Beese
    • Cool_North

      Caption: Getting a forceful last word or getting good points* for the foreseeable future? Hard decisions…

      * include a harmonious home environment, getting laid, and other perks of cohabitation.

    • FlownOver

      Trumpsplaining Illustrated.

  • goonemeritus

    I don’t need another trip down memory lane, I just want celebrate the first Woman to be elected POTUS. I also look forward to our nation forgetting how historical this is and treating her as we treat every other person who has held that office. By that I mean immediately becoming disappointed that she hasn’t gotten around to fixing that pothole we hit every morning on our way to work.

  • Mpeg

    “Waiting to Exhale” is a pretty good read, I’ve heard. I’m personally over the ‘waiting’ and ready to enjoy the ‘exhale’ part~

  • dslindc

    The death penalty (which is terrible and should not be a thing) is on the ballot in CA, NE, and OK today, also too!

    • FauxAntocles

      That’s some harsh voter suppression right there.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Oh, I don’t know. The dead are still having their word in places like Chicago, or so I’m told. :)

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Voted for the nasty woman — bitches gotta rule!

    • Blackest Noobs

      nasty women we all are…except for these dumbfuck whiney whiteys with nazi-tendencies.

  • Randy Riddle

    Can we postpone this? I can’t make up my mind – there’s just too many choices!

    • Anna Rompage

      It’s really quite simple, would you like the Chicken stuffed with savory ham & cheese and wrapped up in a pant suit, or would you prefer the bile filled cheeto ball filled with hate, bigotry, and smothered in a megalomania sauce for dinner this evening?

      • DainBramage

        Mmmm… megalomania sauce.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Damn, that reminds me. I need to get off my ass and go shopping for my returns-watching party. Gonna be a lot of happy Democrats with good appetites hanging out in the lobby tonight.

      • Randy Riddle

        Excuse me, waiter – I’d like to have a word with the chef. I ordered the Chicken stuffed with savory ham & cheese and wrapped up in a pant suit. That’s not what I got.

    • badhombreinatacotruck

      “Cake or Death?”

      • OddMan

        Are they the cakes we like?

        • badhombreinatacotruck

          Even if they weren’t you would still choose cake, I’ll wager.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Did someone request some Cowbell?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IM0im3V8HlU

    • Beowoof14

      However, I can and do fear the creeper Donald Trump.

    • Msgr_Dolph

      In honor of the Rethug candidate, shouldn’t it be ‘Don’t Fear the [child] Rapist’? Allegedly. With votes.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        I posted “Creep” just below this.

  • Crystalclear12

    Now, time to put Trump down with votes!!

  • calliecallie

    Put on my white pantsuit and voted like a suffragette boss!

  • Major_Major_Major

    https://wizzley.com/static/uploads/en/module/text/2012/09/26/2012-09-26_15-13-19_470.288×287.jpg
    Ima not go off the rails with the Esme quotes… Or maybe I will.

  • AJ Milne

    Re ‘ SHE’S STILL STANDING, YOU FUCKS, and she is fabulous…’

    All the upfists ever.

  • ClarkJoe

    I’ve been busy at my new job so haven’t been posting much, but I’m clearly not getting anything done today… so here goes. I love you all and I love Wonkette. Thanks for keeping me sane and laughing and joyful during this slog. I had a nice impromptu cry in the shower this morning. It felt like all the ugliness and trauma of the election was washing away, leaving behind the joy and optimism and excitement I have for voting for Hillary.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    I’m not dead yet! I’m better!

    Seriously, I just did some quick surfing around the internetz, and I’m becoming more and more verklempt. I’m gonna be a wreck by 8 PM Pacific time, when the west coast polls close.

  • baconzgood

    No snark.

    I want to give the writers at wonkette a golf clap. They kept me sane for the last 15 month. Also you snarky people commenting (which is not allowed) put a smile on my porky snout time and time again with butt secks and dick jokes using obscure Spinal Tap references. I don’t think I would have got through this election with you yinz guys.

    Thank you all.

    Baconzgood.

    • Good_Trouble_Yall

      Me too! See below! (or above – I can’t direction good on the Wonkettez.)

  • Beowoof14

    It’s still trying to kill us, voter intimidation going on here in Rochester, NY. Asking for ID’s which is not required under NY Law.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Have you reported the ratfuckers?

      • Beowoof14

        Yes we did.

    • JVisconti

      But liquor is quicker.

    • The Wanderer

      Mm, yummy plant smegma.

    • baconzgood

      Ummmmm. That’s not sugar dude…

  • ClarkJoe

    Wonkette was doing the whole Pantsuit Nation thing before it was cool.

  • JVisconti

    Don’t know about all these exit polls, but Donald is definitely competitive in the city dogcatcher position race.

    • He’s already caught the one that lives on his head, so he’s a proven success in that (and only that) regard.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I wrote him in for dog catcher. Had to create a new space on the ballot for it, but the back side was half-empty anyway.

  • Joe Beese

    It may not be a reliable indicator, but as I was driving south on I-15 this morning heading to work, a bright clear sun was coming up over the Wasatch Range to the east, like Gandalf leading the Rohirrim at the end of The Two Towers, and I felt like it was going to be a good day.

    • The Wanderer

      A sword day, a red day, as the sun rises!

      • Joe Beese

        To the Queen!

        • The Wanderer

          I’m sure he’ll approve!

      • TJ Barke

        Someday darkness may prevail, but it is not this day!

  • The Wanderer

    Historical footnote: On this day in 1960, John F. Kennedy beat Richard M. Nixon in a squeaker of an election to become the youngest and first Catholic President of the United States.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrYhQEkBBE0

    • Lascauxcaveman

      HOLY SHIT! They elected a Papist? Now I’ve heard everything!

  • arglebargle

    Has Rubio announced for 2020 yet?

    • The Wanderer

      I expect him to do that as soon as the polls close in the Panhandle.

  • Oblios_Cap
  • Ricky Gay

    this election is of grave concern!

  • Shan the Nasty Libtart

    Thank you for this place, Evan “Fucking” Hurst and all the Wonkette staff!

    • baconzgood

      Yes a the bestest recipe hub, mommy blog, dating, and Simpson joke site EVAH!

      It’s even better than askjeeves.

    • OddMan

      I second that! This place has been my sanctuary.
      Now we can have NO MORE STORIES ABOUT DONALD, and go back to “Florida Man, Florida Woman, stories and more dick jokes.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    They’re working on their 2020 campaign slogans at RNC headquarters. So far,
    ‘We Already Hate The Democrat’ is leading the pack.

  • Good_Trouble_Yall

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/44227a4b01b6e51f1f082a2f6850a066b10175796f22a4e7e8136813d00072a3.jpg
    Thank you, Wonkette and fellow Wonkers, for keeping me sane through this incredible horror show of a cage match hard-fought election! I feel quite misty towards all of you today!

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      Yeah a lot of thanks to Our Wonkette and her minions. She got us through the primaries and we’re still speaking to each other. And the conventions(!). and now the election. I’m having beer and pizza tonight.

    • nightmoth

      Same here. After every foray I’ve made into the wilderness of Trumpanistan, I’ve rushed back to Wonkette for the company of intelligent people. THX, ya’ll!

  • LibreV

    Thanks Evan for reminding us that Republican voters winnowing those 64,739 presidential candidates down to Donald Trump is an epic saga of testosterone-fueled derp. At least after today people will hopefully take down their “Trump/Pence Show Us Your Tits” lawn signs.

  • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

    To hell with it, we’re gonna fight. We’re gonna fight until we can’t fight no more! And then we’ll keep going. Because it’s time to stand up, it’s time to press the advantage, and it’s time to beat the darkness. It’s time to win.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Kirk:
      I take it the odds are against us and the situation is grim?

      Picard:
      You could say that.

      Kirk:
      You know if Spock were here, he’d say I was an irrational, illogical human being for going on a mission like that.

      [pause]

      Kirk:
      Sounds like fun!

  • Candy Apple

    Before the debates, all I kept hearing was how Hillz is a frail old woman who needed an Epi-Pen on standby and two Secret Service agents under each elbow at all times, which I found very tiresome.

    Now all I hear is that Hillary is a Satanist Witch, something I find pretty damn funny. So, improvement, I guess?

    • Joe Beese

      If you know another way to recover from pneumonia besides pledging one’s soul to Satan, I’d like to hear it.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        if you don’t have insurance, it’s probably cheaper than antibiotics

  • Anna Elizabeth

    I’m not dead yet, either.

    Shout the Rats’ battle cry: “LET IT RAIN!”

    • The Wanderer

      I prefer the Sardaukar battle cry, “Let them drink blood!”

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Fair play to you. :)

        This is the Red River Rats’ version of rain, though: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ce5b9e6176119efccaf927aa9d45301bb05674a4753764efcf846bb9c607c230.jpg

        • The Wanderer

          Impressive, although the Sardaukar generally start with a massive orbital bombardment.

          • Blackest Noobs

            Fedaykin made easy work of those Sardaukar shit-takers.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Fremen women and children killed more Sardaukar than any enemy force evers had.

          • Blackest Noobs

            who do think are the Fedaykin?

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Exactly. :) Just expanding on your thesis.

        • Blackest Noobs

          ah yes the Phantom!!!!

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I love Phantoms. :) When I was very small, my parents took us to an airshow in Denver. It had to have been USAF Phantoms, what I remember is the sound of those engines.Nothing else like them. :D

          • PubOption

            Menacing!

      • TJ Barke

        Skulls for the skull throne!

        • Anna Elizabeth

          “No Remorse! No Pity! No Fear!”

          • MynameisBlarney

            “Never give up, never surrender!”

      • Nockular cavity

        Sardaukar. Pfft! Do we have to call up the fucking sandworms again?

        • The Wanderer

          All righty then, I’ll just call up Fish Speaker Command.

      • MynameisBlarney

        There’s not a battle cry out there better than “SPOOOOOOOON!!!”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iGSAFjzBd8

        I DARE ANYONE to prove me wrong!

  • bubbuhh
    • YoNastyBunny

      AWESOME SAUCE!!!!

  • OddMan

    I feel the pain. This has been the most traumatizing election I’ve ever been involved in. Never did I think that in the USA we could come so close to having our own right wing dictator who would become worse than Adolf.
    I look with fucking unbelieving eyes at all the people who I thought had a modicum of intelligence that have bought in totally to the Trump, racist-xenophobic-hate filled messages.
    I am hopeful that Ms. Clinton will be elected and maybe even get control of the Senate, but we are so close to armageddon if Donald is elected. I fear for our country, we will never be the same again either way.

    Now off to vote, gonna get dressed up, put on a tie and a jacket, have a big stiff drink and drive over to our local precinct and get it done.

    I am not a believer in God any more, but today . . . a little prayer couldn’t hurt.

    • Joe Beese

      Last night Mike Pence suggested we pray for America, and it didn’t seem like a bad idea.

      • bubbuhh

        Pence was ackshually talkin about preying on America under the direction of fascist pseudo-OT God who passes his commands via by Pat Robertson, Jim Bakker,Tony Perkins, Alex Jones, etc and whose Chosen people are Old Stoopit White Americans

        • Joe Beese

          Well, he can send up his petition and we can send up ours and then we’ll see how Whatever’s In Charge feels about it.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I said a little prayer towards the the end of last night’s Monday Night Football to stop that Bills’ last minute drive; and it worked!

          PROOF THAT GOD EXISTS, you lousy atheists!

          • OddMan

            Yeah and it was Satan that blew the call at the end of the first half when Sherman should have been called roughing the kicker.

          • Arolpin

            Sherman should not have been called for roughing because he hit the ball first, and the whistle blew AFTER he hit the kicker. In the post-game interview he correctly said that you play until the whistle, because had he stopped, Buffalo would have kicked the field goal, and had they missed, they would have taken the penalty and attempted it again. There is an ‘Un-impeded to the quarterback’ rule for off-sides, that I’m sure treats the kicker the same, so they should have blown the play dead.

            The referee completely screwed the Bills on the delay of game penalty, but that’s on Rex Ryan (who gives Jim Hoff a run for Stupidest Man in _____) for not having an assistant who is tasked with watching the play clock on EVERY play. Hell, if you are stupid enough to hire Rex Ryan to coach your football team, it’s absolutely REQUIRED that you hire an additional coach to watch the clock, because Rex is the absolute worst at clock management. I think there are slime-molds that have a better sense of time than Rex Ryan.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Either way, it was pretty clear that God and Satan BOTH had big money riding on the Seahawks.

            And yeah, Rex Ryan has had more than his share of clock blunders. It’s pretty funny if you’re not a Bills fan.

    • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

      I remember 2000, and I remember how tense it was at the end. This is like 10 times worse than it was then. I’ve got butterflies, and not the happy kind. We’re talking Mothra-sized ones, here. But, like they say – courage is about being scared, but persevering anyway.

    • nightmoth

      I’m not a Catholic, but I found a “powerful 9-hour novena” on the interwebz and I’m working it. I need some magic in my life today.

    • OddMan

      Easy peasy voting, got dressed, had a sip of that drink, drove over to the local precinct with Ms. Odd where we both voted. There was no line, no hassle, no wait. No ID needed at the polls. Now back home and finish the rest of that drink.

      And have a little talk with the FSM.

      Please our dear Pasta, help us today, deliver us from the evil of Donald.

      • OddMan

        I will be glad when all these people stop calling. Twice yesterday Barack called, Jerry Brown has called three times at least, and even Bernie called a couple of times. Nice to have all these powerful people calling, but really. Damn Barack called again just now.

  • Mavenmaven

    Perfect summary. Saves us from having to read the inevitable 1000 page books that will be forthcoming. Except for Melania’s post divorce book, that will be a hoot.

  • Msgr_Dolph

    This Election Tried To Kill Us, But We Are Not Dead We Don’t Think

    To paraphrase Nietzsche, what does not make us stronger kills us.

  • laughingnome

    Thanks Wonkette for keeping me sane and all the snarky larffs!

  • DainBramage

    The one good thing about Trump beating his GOP rivals in the most obnoxious manner possible is that we’ll never have to worry about seeing their stupid faces ever again. Surely, no one so humiliated would ever step into the public spotlight again, right?
    Wait, what? They still go out in daylight?

    • Blackest Noobs

      They…..Return…..

    • Nockular cavity

      No. Didn’t you see that headline, “Chris Christie votes alone, in the dark, weeping softly,” or whatever it was?

      • Blackest Noobs

        probably eating the Donald’s Big Mac leftovers….just crumbs but leftovers nevertheless….bridge-gate…Trump losing….oh such a sad pathetic fat loser….

    • Joe Beese

      Ted Cruz is like a cockroach. He’s unkillable.

      I mean, he’s like a cockroach in a lot of ways, but with respect to your comment, that way in particular.

      • Blackest Noobs

        and just as unlikeable..even among his fellow cockroaches.

  • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

    Oh, no, no, no…This is not Cock-vember. This, my friends, is Vagendavember. Wake up and grab each day by the pussy!

  • I JUST VOTED. FUCK ALL THE ASSHOLE, PIG-FUCKING CONSERVATIVE FAMILY VALUES VOTERS. FUCK THEM ALL. FUCK THE ASSHOLES BACK AT MY GRAMMAR SCHOOL WHO TOLD ME I COULDN’T WEAR PANTS TO SCHOOL. FUCK THE TEACHER WHO TOLD ME I COULDN’T PLAY FOOTBALL WITH THE BOYS AT RECESS. FUCK YOU ALL. FUCK THE TEACHERS WHO TOLD ME I WOULD BE HAPPIER IF I TRIED LOSING MY SENSE OF HUMOR AND ACTING MORE LIKE A GIRL. FUCK YOU ALL. FUCK. YOU. ALL. I JUST GOT TO VOTE FOR A WOMAN FOR PRESIDENT. FUCK YOU. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8277e24c49f768efb6b6a2903477c854c017c97771a365fa2265c38709092fe1.jpg

    • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

      Yessssss!!

    • Shoto

      You don’t need to sugar-coat it for us.

      • puredog

        Rully. I come here for the straight talk, not this pussyfooting around.

    • baconzgood

      Does someone need a hug?

      • Why yes. Yes, I do.

        • baconzgood

          *air hug*

          I haven’t voted yet. I’m waiting for my kids. We vote as a family. FREE COOKIES at my polling place also too.

          • Thank you! I want to vote at your polling place; ours didn’t have cookies.

          • baconzgood

            Home made cookies. Not that store bought crappie either.

    • (((JustPixelz)))

      Up until the end, I thought you were gonna vote for Trump.

    • baconzgood

      Oh and if any one ever tells a girl not to play football and to lose their sense of humor send them Baconz way. I’ll straight’n up like a chiropractor. We need more football playing funny girls in the world.

      Am I right fellas?

    • Rambo Furum
  • Bub the Bad Zombre
  • A Grumpy Cat

    I threw over $2,000 of my monies at Hillary this year, which is more than I have ever thrown at a political candidate ever, not because I hate Bernie (I don’t) and not because I hate Trump (although I do), but because every time they try to knock her down, she doesn’t let them. Because I know during the next four years, she’s gonna do shit that’s gonna make me go, “oh hellz no,” just like Obama did (I LOVE YOU ANYWAY), but she’s still gonna be a damn fine President. This morning, I pressed the VOTE button on my machine so hard that I thought I broke it for a moment, and I wish I could have yelled out, “FUCK YEAH, HILLARY,” when I did it, but decorum, or something.

    I’VE BEEN HITTING THE XANAX HARD CAN YOU TELL?

    • Shoto

      As Ridley said, “Go ahead and bust it. We’ll fix it…”

      • formerChild

        Wow. A pilot reference. Machs me wistful.

    • Courser

      Hillary’s the Weeble that won’t go down!

      (Umm, that could be taken another way, so prolly no meme for this)

      • A Grumpy Cat

        *inhales diet root beer*

      • baconzgood

        As Louie C.K. said “they checked all her e-mails! How’s she NOT in jail?”

        Frankly if someone checked all my emails I’d need a really good lawyer. And that’s just because disqus gives me an alert when a fellow Wonker comments on my comment.

  • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

    Ever the pie-eyed optimist, I’m hoping for a youge, crushing defeat of the orange monster (bigly!!) to be the message to the racist, sexist, bigoted Trumpenmasses to go back under the rocks from whence they crawled. This will probably not happen, but at least maybe we won’t have to deal with their despicable nonsense daily, validated by a giant screaming toddler running for POTUS.

  • Shoto

    It’s election day. Has Scott Baio been declared “Secretary of Entertaining Everybody” yet?

    • I was thinking ‘The Sultan of Swing’ or ‘Dancing Queen’.

      • kareemachan

        Dire Straits libelz!

    • Joe Beese

      Well, he does have a lot of experience of being in charge.

    • (((JustPixelz)))

      He can play Bob Loblaw as White House Press Secretary.

      • eggsacklywright

        Josh Earnest is being replaced by Jess Phulin.

  • Zippy W Pinhead
    • Barley_Brains

      Dude’s a treasure.

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    I was dead for a while, I think. I got better.

  • Courser

    I credit weed with getting me through this endless, hideous, longest-running, apocalyptic election season. I probably would have had a nervous breakdown and be on the street selling pencils without it.

    • Joe Beese

      If we win the Powerball on Wednesday, the Beeses are moving to Massachusetts.

      I hope I would be able to celebrate appropriately when I get there.

    • Suttree

      I wound up with colored pencils and a vagina colouring book this election season. Thanks Lizzietish!

  • Suttree

    Why yes I am listening to Jay-z Dirt off Your Shoulder at top volume right now. I voted early today and now I am going to get drunk enough to hang on to carpet to make sure it doesn’t escape. My moose will make sure it’s all good. When i wake up with stickers all over myself remind me to take a picture.

    • badkitty

      I’ve got a big bag of weed and a bottle of Xanax waiting. I’m trying to decide when I start toking. Maybe now?

      • Suttree

        It’s always better to assume now is better than later because later might not happen. Asteroids, nuclear attacks, space aliens, these could all happen at any second!

  • Stulexington
  • Pierre_de_Fermat


    Now let’s go win a damn election.
    Yes!
    Thanks for the recap, Evan.

  • crunchyknee

    It aint over till the Palin lady squawks,

    • baconzgood

      Noooo. Don’t say her name. She’s like the Candy man. If you say her name too many times she shows up behind you.

  • So Pence showed up to vote on his bicycle.

    Maybe we’ve been wrong about him all alon….naaaah.

    • It was his feeble attempt to get an early shot at 2020 by trying to appeal to Dem voters. Fuck him.

    • Anna Rompage

      He’s just preparing for the state of the country would be in, if by chance Donald wins….

  • limberrat
  • Señor The Final Countdown!
  • limberrat
  • nightmoth

    Thanks again Evan, for the comfort words. Good summation.
    And yes, let’s go win this damn election, drive our brainless enemies before us, and listen to the lamentations of their mawmaws!

  • crunchyknee

    Karen and Mike Pence Push Twin Beds Together For First Time

    http://thehardtimes.net/2016/11/08/karen-mike-pence-push-twin-beds-together-first-time/

  • Wild Cat

    After this fucking circle jerk of 2016 fascism brought to us by the kindly motherfuckers of the GOP, 20-20 is going to make everyone want to go blind.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I have no doubt whatsoever that, had he been selected, that nice man Mitt Romney would have whupped Hillary’s little blue heinie in this year’s general, so, in a way, thankyouoverymuch, GOP primary voters!

  • Anna Rompage

    I heard a snippet from a Trump rally last night where someone in the crow was yelling that Hillary is a witch, and it brought this quote to mind in a quite literal sense…

    “The dark ages, they haven’t ended yet – we’re still in the middle of the dark ages” Kurt Vonnegut

  • JVisconti

    Will electionphobia be included in DSM-5 and therapy be covered under Obamacare?

    • Anna Rompage

      If we wanted to tackle the mental healthcare issues in the country, getting immediate care to the list of those who voted for Trump would be a great place to start…

      • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

        I believe Trump himself could use the services of a competent (and patient) mental health professional.

        • Spurning Beer

          Thorazine. Lots of Thorazine. Therapy would just be a waste of time and unfair to mental health professionals.

      • JVisconti

        They would be resisdent to a college educated therapist.

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    Now that the ogre is on the ground, can we please not let it up again? Is it possible for the Democratic party to press on and push this result through the mid-terms; only 24 months from now? I’ve been voting-age member of this party for 35 years, and we always, always sit back after a big victory and bicker until we lose big in the mid-terms.

    • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

      Yeah, tonight we celebrate. Tomorrow is Day One.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Hear, hear! Let’s have some Unity, and keep pushing!

      Push to the target, and fucking flatten it.

    • Courser

      I have a sneaking suspicion that former Prez Bamz will be out there somewhere screaming at us to pay attention. Not to mention all the other surrogates who have come out of the woodwork.

  • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

    Here’s my niece, casting her vote (with her mom–no voter fraud shenanigans here). Given her sense of justice and stubbornness, I will not at all be surprised if she’s our 48th or 49th or 50th.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9cb7f10f7b513231299b20d7b35dd492ebd0a8709e75bf4742c4bf30ac5086af.jpg

    • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

      My Mom always took me with her to vote. I can remember being in the curtained booth with her back in the 80s. We don’t vote the same way, but she taught me to exercise my right, and made sure I was comfortable with the process. She takes my 19-years-younger sister with her now. Little Sister will turn 18 next year and be able to vote herself. Now I’m tearing up, dammit!

      • Courser

        Same here.

  • Zippy W Pinhead
  • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

    I want that nasty woman mug so bad but omg that is a lot for a piece of damn plastic, it is not even a yeti!!! I did not get the put me in the next tax bracket job so that means I will have to heavily justify this or the kids lunch money or I have to say I want this for my birthday sweet lovely boyfriend and he will be like no I am not because you are worth more than a cup, why come you do not want whore diamonds?! Shouldn’t you demand whore diamonds??? Dammit woman you deserve all the whore diamonds, not a hitlery cup. At which point I have to reevaluate my self esteem issues. THANKS A LOT WONKETTE#!!

    • It’s not plastic, it’s lovely porcelain! I have one, and the folks at the coffee shop LOVE it!

      • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

        I have a Bidenator mug from teh Wonkettes, it’s a favorite. And yes, it’s long-lasting porcelain.

      • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

        Ok that makes it justifiable! But still a few months away to buy for myself because my twin’s have a birthday this month, which is expensive, and they have a trip that requires new clothes, then Christmas.

        Maybe when I pay off my car!

  • I feel undead… I’m pretty sure the only thing keeping my body moving now is spite, sarcasm, and a deep, deep, seething rage built up over the last two years from arguing on social media. I don’t think I’ve used the word “fuck” so much as in the last two months…

  • I just read a report that Jill Stein just cast her vote by whispering into crystals.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Her brain got hurted by the Wi-Fi.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The reason Drumpf won the nomination is that he finally said, without heavy code, only really light, what the tribalist, racist GOP base has always wanted to hear. This shit started with Goldwater and Nixon and Drumpf is the result.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Trump turned the dogwhistle into a bullhorn

      • Crank Tango

        Whistles are low energy, sad, weak.

  • fawkedifiknow

    It’s kinda normalized that we’re going to have a vagina-haver in charge of the nukular codes and that is good. Who’da thunk that?

    • It felt pretty normal when I went in and voted, but when I got back to work, I sat here and cried a little. It surprised me, but honestly, I didn’t think there’d be a woman president in my lifetime.

      • Mary Sandoras

        I’m saving my tears for the announcement. I never thought I’d see a black president in my lifetime. So Hillary will be a twofer in my lifetime. Obamz first election, I stood in front of the tv and cried for an hour.

        • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

          Me too. I was caught off guard by my own reaction when Obama won, and realized I didn’t truly believe we would elect a black POTUS in 2008. I was so very happy to be wrong!

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Well they say women shouldn’t be the President Cause we go crazy from time to time
      Well push my button, baby
      Here I come
      Yeah, look out, baby
      I’m at high tide
      I’ve got a beautiful red dress and you’d look really good standing beside it..
      I’ve got a little jug of red sangria wine and we could take little sips from time to time
      I’ve got some bright red drop dead lips
      I’ve got a little red card and mechanical hips I’ve got a hundred and five fever!!!
      OK! OK! Hold it!
      I just want to say something.
      You know, for every dollar a man makes a woman makes 63 cents.
      Now, fifty years ago that was 62 cents.
      So, with that kind of luck, it’ll be the year 3,888 before we make a buck.
      But hey, girls?
      We can take it
      And if we can’t we’re gonna fake it
      We’re gonna save ourselves save ourselves
      (Yeah tell it to the judge)
      We’re gonna make it
      And if we don’t we’re gonna take it
      We’re gonna save ourselves save ourselves
      We’ve got a fever of a hundred and five and look baby
      It’s high tide.
      Well I could just go on and on and on…
      But tonight I’ve got a headache
      – Laurie Anderson, Beautiful Red Dress

  • Nasty Duke

    I feel refreshed. Just voted.

    I’ve heard a lot about this Trump guy but voted for another Clinton, anyways.

    Did I do OK?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      as long as it wasn’t Roger

      • Nasty Duke

        It think it was George.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          Big Dog/Atomic Dog 2020!

          • Villago Delenda Est

            “We’re here to save dance music from the blacks!”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You did the right thing. You can now go on vacation without a care in the world, having done the right thing.

  • bubbuhh

    Fox Continues Smearing Republican Trump Rally Protester, Expands False Claims
    Allen Crites should consider suing Fox News. Its treatment of him goes well beyond “absence of malice. ” Rolling Stone just got dinged for 3 million Ameros because of its inaccurate reporting. Fox News should get the same treatment only more so.

    Crites contacted The Guardian with proof that Fox News outright lied.
    https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/nov/08/fox-news-wrongly-links-republican-anti-trump-protester-austyn-crites-to-voter

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifMpzfOagWA

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      those fuckers are disgusting- I hope he sues the shit out of them

    • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

      They are going to destroy his life. His family’s life. And for what? Spite? Because he dared challenge Donald J. Trump?
      I hope he finds a real shark willing to take Murdoch on, and clean their clocks.

      • YoNastyBunny

        I’m sure the attorney’s who just finished with Rolling Stone are now free…

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I wonder what Mark Randazza is doing? He’s an epic about free speech, and a 1st class Litigator.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Shocked, simply shocked, that Fox got the information from the Dumbest Man on the Internet (pay the fuck up, asshole).

  • Rick Hill

    Just spoke with my one client. The one who is college edumicated, traveled, etc. Who told me in May “When trump is preznit….”. That one. She said “We may have to put the work off till next year. Who knows how much more taxes we will have to pay, we may have to start selling things….” Yeah, it would be a shame to only have the Jag and the big hulking piece of whatever after they sell off the Mazerati.

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      They could sell their guns before Hillz snatches them all. That’s just good economic sense.

      • Rick Hill

        They do have a hand gun and they are prepared to use it to shoost whoever breaks in.

        • limberrat

          Please don’t tell me they have little kids and leave it unlocked…

          • Rick Hill

            It’s in a gun safe.

        • Most likely would shoot themselves in the foot. Rich people aren’t always the brightest. But they are often the meanest.

    • limberrat

      I guess I’ll have to settle for the G4 instead of the G5!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      People like this make me slappy.

  • Suttree
  • Pinkham’s Law
    • Suttree

      Meow meow meow! Yes they do all say that!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    So, I open up my inbox, and I get 20 emails reminding me to vote (already voted 2 weeks ago….but these people obviously don’t have access to the county elections database that would have told them this). THEN the DCCC thanks me for my contribution and asks for even more money. Guys, STOP SPAMMING ME!

    The horrifying thing is that the 2020 campaign starts at 2001 PST tonight.

  • azeyote

    does jill stein know what state she should vote in – does she know what state she’s even in ? she shouldn’t have been vaccinated –

  • Anna Elizabeth
  • MynameisBlarney
    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Liz Warren is shaking in her boots, lol

      • YoNastyBunny

        I can’t wait for all the shade she’s gonna throw at him…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        She’s in danger of throwing her back out from rolling around on the floor laughing, she is.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Exactly how many republicans did he think he could get in downtown Boston?

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Don’t quit your day-job, Motherfucker.

      XD

      • MynameisBlarney

        He has a job?

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Probs not. XD

    • Msgr_Dolph

      That’s like double the last one.

    • limberrat

      Maybe he’s hoping for the Gilmentum approach. Each rally doubles in size!

  • Well, there goes Eric’s polo pony upkeep allowance for next month.

    http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/11/eric-trump-voting-selfie-election-day

  • Msgr_Dolph

    “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for Mitch McConnell to be a one-term majority leader.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Turtle soup for everyone!

  • Bill Reich

    Evan, have you seen “Lost”? WE’RE ALREADY DEAD

    • Yr. Gma

      I’m still pissed about that finale.

  • limberrat

    OMG! They are trying to rig the great swing state of CA!!!!

    https://twitter.com/daveweigel/status/796036017941778434

    • Crank Tango

      Good thing I already texted in my vote.

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      Awesome! Presumably they are there to serve tacos, yes? Because unless they all also illegally registered and magically not vetted off the rolls, this is a bad dogwhistle and O’Queef should feel bad.

    • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/57c751547a06e47284f282efd73e61f11d44c0dda5cea9616bfab308a1dab654.gif
      *sigh* Someone take away Mr. O’Keefe’s keyboard. He’s writing nonsense again.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Every single election, sacks of rancid weaselshit like O’Queef scream about entire fleets of Greyhounds transporting Mezzikins to polls in Philadelphia, Canton, Grand Rapids, Charlotte, Jacksonville, and Bakersfield. Yeah, right.

      • Daisy

        That’s extra silly, since Bakersfield is roughly 5 hours away from the border.

      • limberrat

        Well Daisy can attest to the buses showing up in Bakersfield.

        • BeachBum

          Also they would have to stop at Sea World, LEGOLAND, the Zoo, Disneyland, Knotts, Hollywood, 6 Flags, and catch a Dodger game. Take a week.

    • Daisy

      Does he even realize how big this state is, I wonder?

      • BeachBum

        By GDP we would be the 7 th largest country in the world.
        39,000,000 peoples.

    • bubbuhh

      LOLz. That O’Keefe. What a rancid dick joke he is.

    • Rick Hill

      Yeah, because they were THIS close to winning California, too.

    • BeachBum

      Yay ! Next the Invasion of the Taco Trucks ! Yummm !

  • Msgr_Dolph
    • artem1s

      that SS Agent there in the front thinking…’only a few more hours, I know I can make it, only a few more hours…’

  • Jeffocaster in the desert
    • BrianW

      Warren Zevon always gets an upvote.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    OK, follow up to my previous about 21 new emails overnight, all reminding me to vote, but one…which offered to sell me a product I already own, in this case driver update software.

    • Dr.Zoidberg

      I’m always a little flattered by the Russian women wanting my big masculine genitalia…I hate to break their hearts and tell them I’m a woman, too.

      • John Smith

        Please forward to me. I have a completely different way to break their hearts; something about the genitalia.

  • Tony Alexander

    for all the #nastywomen, from one #badhombre (father of three nastitas’) from bed-sty,

    let’s do this!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8s9dmuAKvU

  • bubbuhh

    Speechless????
    Jill Stein Supporter Votes By Whispering Into Crystals

    Fed up with the traditional two-party system, local voter Skye Applebaum cast her vote for Green Party candidate Jill Stein in the 2016 U.S. Presidential election by softly whispering into strategically laid out crystals on her k›itchen table.

    “Please, universe. Give me strength in casting this ballot,” said Applebaum, before quietly whispering “Jill Stein” into a chunk of rose quartz purchased during a recent trip to San Francisco.

    Witnesses report Applebaum then blew on her alexandrite, rang a bell, and said, “My ballot is cast,” followed by 25 minutes of meditation.

    “I know Hillary’s the best choice for defeating Trump, but I just don’t think Trump will affect me that much,” Applebaum later said while alphabetizing her essential oils. “Jill Stein just feels like the better choice for my soul. I’ve never voted for the person I thought had the best policies — I vote for the person with whom I feel the deepest
    spiritual connection.”

    All over the country, Stein voters are finding unorthodox ways to cast their ballot. One voter in Brooklyn allegedly stood on his roof with wind chimes and shouted Ms. Stein’s name towards the sky, while in Atlanta, tragedy was narrowly avoided when a Stein supporter lit incense inside the voting booth, igniting the curtain.

    http://thehardtimes.net/2016/11/07/jill-stein-supporter-votes-whispering-crystals/

    • Tony Alexander

      what the ever-lovin’ fuck?

      can we just get this shit over with?

    • limberrat

      This…this isn’t the onion…is it??

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        a cheap knockoff

      • bubbuhh

        Teh Onion iz nut teh onliest place to get teh realliez newz.

    • OddMan

      I’ve had a few friends that were like this, but I am calling ‘Nope’ on this story.
      It is funny though.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The woo vote. It’s all Stein has.

    • Suttree

      At some point older people need to stop taking hallucinogenic drugs.

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        Says who, magic talking tree?

        • Suttree

          I like you!

    • BrianW

      You know I had to go and look at that website before I could be sure it was satire. Clearly, either Poe’s Law is dead, or Stein supporters are that wacky.

    • BeachBum

      1. Were there any animals harmed in these events ?
      2. Which works for local sportsball teams to win, crystals or quartz ?
      3. Does it have to be your own roof, or will anybody’s work ?

  • YoNastyBunny

    Christ on toast… Piers Morgan, stay in your lane…
    https://twitter.com/piersmorgan/status/796038725574737922

    • limberrat
      • Msgr_PantsuitNation

        Kurt kept saying during his tweetstorm yesterday: if you got evidence, tweet it. Heheheheheh

      • The Wanderer

        Piers Morgan just needs to go back to some Welsh coal mine – and stay there.

    • Spotts1701, The Baddest Hombre

      Doesn’t he have some celebrity phones to hack or something?

  • Daisy

    Hell, it’s still trying to kill me. Dearest guy friend told me I looked tired this morning, and I’ve functioned on less sleep.

    • limberrat

      I can give you a 6 month old and we can discuss zero sleep.

      • Suttree

        I will take your six month old! Does it have fluffy paws and a tail that warns you that you might be bleeding soon?

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Hang in there. It’s a cliche, but 18 years passes like that, and then they mow the lawn and put in the storms without even rolling their eyes.

        • limberrat

          I know it gets better, have a 4 year old as well and it took a little while before she slept all night. Those 4 years have gone quickly.

          • Bad Hombre Ron

            My eldest turned 27 last week. Funny, but I’m sure I took her to Disney World for her fourth birthday just last year.

        • Yr. Gma

          Then comes the teenager out with the car past curfew…

      • Arolpin

        i’ll see your 6-month old and raise you twins that didn’t sleep through the night until they were 2 years old. They’re 10 now, and I think I’ve finally caught up on my sleep.

      • Yr. Gma

        My daughter had twins. It is possible to have negative zero sleep.

        • Arolpin

          Plus my wife was really sick after their birth (5 weeks of strict bedrest in the hospital followed by 2 more weeks of hospitalization because of a nasty infection from the C-section) and is not blessed with the ability to fall right back to sleep, so I took 90%+ of the overnight feedings.

          • Yr. Gma

            Bless you.

    • Rick Hill

      I, I, I. Me, me, me. Have you given any thought to how poor donald is feeling today?? I didn’t think so. This world is about more important things than you, young lady. What’s important to trump should be what’s important to us all.

      • Daisy

        *snort*

    • Suttree

      Did he offer you a cup of coffee and a danish? If the answer is no, then you need to move on darling.

      • Daisy

        I don’t like either of those things though. Or eating before ten in the morning.

        • Suttree

          It doesn’t matter whether you like them or not, but if a man says that you look tired and likes you he better offer a cup of tea at least. Anyway I told you a while back to never listen to me about anything. :) I still have your best interests at heart.

    • BeachBum

      I have to agree with Suttree in principle. Until GQ calls him for his modeling gig he should STFU.

      • Daisy

        Eh, I’ve told him he looks tired before. I prefer honesty, and him actually noticing I’m tired is new.

        • BeachBum

          Well. Ok then.

  • Joe Beese

    People are standing in line at Susan B Anthony’s grave to put their “I voted” stickers on it. They’re bringing their little daughters.

    http://digbysblog.blogspot.com/2016/11/honoring-susan-b-anthony.html

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Indiepalin

    “if you’re not a liberal when you’re young you don’t have a heart; and if you’re still a liberal when you’re older, you don’t have a brain.”- Judy Garland, The Wizard of Oz.

    • cat cafe

      “I make up jibber-jabber and type out lies and mostly no one notices”–Indiepalin

  • theblackdog

    *watches Tomorrow video*

    I’m not ugly crying! You’re ugly crying! Damn onion ninjas!

  • Ryan Denniston

    You forgot to mention Governor O’Malley and that other guy.

    • limberrat

      Some guy named Jim?

    • Indiepalin

      Dirk Diggler?

    • Suttree

      Who?

      • Ryan Denniston

        The red headed dude we used to beat up on in comments.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Are you happy with our candidate? She may not be perfect, but I’m ok with that
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZROqOmmuts!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      No candidate is perfect. Bamz, for example, is showing zero signs of rounding up asshats and putting them in FEMA camps.

      • Suttree

        It’s a long game, Jade Helm 32 isn’t here yet.

        • Anna Rompage

          That shit’s gonna go down on Hillary watch…

          • Suttree

            I am awaiting Malia to ascend myself.

      • cat cafe

        Be fair, though, he’s been pretty good with the chemtrails. Look who we’ve been indoctrinated into voting for, the she-devil and some Jewishes!

    • Yr. Gma

      Bernie was my guy, but I’m old enough to know how things work IRL, so, yeah, I’m happy.

  • limberrat
    • Zippy W Pinhead

      You’d think she’d be the one leaning over to copy off his ballot

    • bubbuhh

      Iz he tryin to copy from Melanoma?

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        He can’t read, remember?

      • Bad Hombre Ron

        ‘Psst, what did you get for “President?”‘
        ‘”Hillary Clinton.” Now stop that!’

        • cat cafe

          HAHAHA! You win the internet today! Hilarious!

          • Bad Hombre Ron

            I am but an humble jester, easing Your Worships’ path through this vale of tears! <bows>

    • The Wanderer

      (Trump thought bubble) “You’d better mark that the way I told you, or it’s back to some lint mine in Ljubljana.”

      • nightmoth

        Back to the escort service where I found you.

    • YoNastyBunny

      Trump looks down ballot: “Who are the rest of these losers?

    • OddMan

      That picture is this election in one shot. Perfect.

  • Cheesus Crust

    The neighbors are gonna be pissed – but I am rocking this song all day until election returns start coming in.

    Call it a sanity dance session

    https://youtu.be/kYtGl1dX5qI

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Fuckin’ A Yiss!

    • nightmoth

      I’m playing Gaga’s “Let’s Dance.” Fortunately I don’t have neighbors.

    • Jennaratrix

      Is it weird of me to be sort of nostalgically happy that Britney is doing alright? I still love “Toxic.” So sue me.

  • Rick Hill

    Has anyone organized the big pity party for Donald, tonight? It would be easy to change to a “We’re all fcked” party if he wins….

    • Villago Delenda Est

      His is at some midtown hotel. Hillary’s is at the Javitz Center which has a glass ceiling…get it?

  • LesBontemps

    Well, I’m still dead. But thankfully that doesn’t stop me from voting.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Cook County, yes?

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Beat me to it

      • LesBontemps

        Close — New Jersey.

  • limberrat
    • Bad Hombre Ron

      Oh, boy…

  • Msgr_PantsuitNation

    Local politician/futureloser robocalled me at 12:30 just now. I voted at 6am, motherfucker with several voicemails from me on your machine telling me to leave me alone.

    • cat cafe

      We voted over a week ago (vote by mail here in CA is an option) and STILL we had to see ads on TV!

  • Msgr_PantsuitNation
    • nightmoth

      Wow–cool—thanks!!!

    • Yr. Gma

      I love this!

  • Anna Rompage

    Remember the guy who was accused of having a gun at the Trump rally the other day? Now Faux is reporting that he has committed voter fraud by casting a vote for his deceased mother…

    The only problem? She’s still kicking it…

    These fuckers have no morals what so ever…

    • cat cafe

      And notice how those pantywaist gun humpers all shrieked like little Trumps at even the thought of a gun, and the trained security guys were the ones to take care of it, just like we keep telling them is the way it actually works safely in real life?

  • limberrat

    This is what a person who knows they are losing does:
    https://twitter.com/jimsciutto/status/796044515840839680

    • The Wanderer

      Loser McLosington, a/k/a Clownface von Fuckstick.

    • Nasty Astraea

      omg Hillary really is rigging it by letting people vote!

    • YoNastyBunny

      Damn, motherfucker can’t even wait until he’s pronounced “TEH LOSER” before he starts filing lawsuits all over the damn place.

    • nightmoth

      What an asshole! (like we didn’t know that already)
      It’s soooo un-American–letting people vote! This is as bad as when them commie agitators got the culuheds to vote down south!

    • NastyCatsVote

      When I heard that people were booing him at his polling place I was like, let’s take the high road, don’t boo— vote. Now I’m cool with people doing both. Boo away, folks! And also vote, too! Fucking loser.

    • Jennaratrix

      Wait, is he clairvoyant? The polls are still open in Nevada, how does he know they’re going to stay open 2 hours late?https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a7176f6b34e083613e0b847ff588f59880bb656d627c3e804d53b932975c2a5f.jpg

    • cat cafe

      “They’re letting those LATINOS vote! They’re not supposed to let LATINOS vote!”

    • chortlingdingo

      He must not be aware that if you’re in line before the poll’s closing time, they must stay open to allow you to vote. I imagine there’s probably like a cutoff, so if someone showed up after the official closing time, they’d have to wait.

    • BeachBum

      How would he know they wouldn’t vote for him ?

  • Nasty Astraea

    If you want to relive the joy of seeing the Republicans fall one by one, here is a handy playlist
    https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLjmvOW2mDb4BDSSFoWXmOSDApepk7y-L3

  • Picabo

    A Catholic priest put a dead fetus on the alter and encouraged people to vote for Trump. Here is a link.
    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/scottericalt/after-sick-political-stunt-fr-pavones-faculties-should-be-suspended/

    This. Is. Sick.

    • bubbuhh

      Did he let the dead fetus vote before he did that?

      • Msgr_PantsuitNation

        Feti don’t yet have the franchise. That’s the next Amendment.

    • Anna Rompage

      Beyond being totally sick, I suppose it would be too much to ask that their tax exempt status is revoked?

      • Picabo

        According to the article at Patheos, he did not do it during a service. He took a picture and posted it on Facebook. I don’t know if that counts against tax exempt status.
        He apparently committed sacrilege. “What Fr. Pavone did was a sacrilege. It is a violation of canon law, which states that the altar is consecrated for one purpose and one purpose only. It is consecrated for the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. It is not consecrated so that a dead child can be placed there as part of a political stunt to lobby for a favored presidential candidate.”

        • The Wanderer

          The altar’s for the Body of Christ, not for the body of Baby Doe.

        • Bub the Bad Zombre

          I believe it is also a violation of canon law to bugger altar boys…which is something Catholic priests do with distressing frequency.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          I care as much for the opinions of Catholic clergy as I care for the opinions of a bucket of diarrhea.

    • nightmoth

      I strongly suspect the Donald is responsible for financing some fetuses getting dead.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        NDAs ftw

      • cat cafe

        Right? Not even suspect. kinda “KNOW.”

    • Bemused

      All of patheos’ Catholic Channel has been upset about that since it happened. Apparently a lot of protests have been made to the Amarillo arch-dioceses that Fr. Pavone belongs to.

    • artem1s

      at the very least shouldn’t he be arrested for desecrating a corpse? buying/illegally obtaining fetal tissue? I’m betting it wasn’t real. where would you even get such thing?

      did not click on linky

  • Reximus
    • Msgr_PantsuitNation

      So, it’s too late to ring him up and tell him to vote?

      • Reximus

        Im surprised he could even find his polling place

        • Bad Hombre Ron

          ‘This is MY polling place! Where’s the gold leaf and elephant ivory and cheetah-skin rugs?’

          • John Smith

            Black Velvet Elvis!

          • M.C. Escalator

            That’s called a Velvis.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      “Booo-urns! Boooo-urns!”

  • willi0000000

    i’m about to venture out into the wilds of western Massachusetts to vote . . . apologies to anyone who thinks i shouldn’t vote my conscience.

    [ . . . but i’m voting for legal dope and all the Dems! ]

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Good Hunting! :)

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Let’s go win this goddamned thing.

    • proudgrampa

      WOOOOOOO! HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

  • georgiaburning

    turnout where I vote was up about 25% over 2012, based on how many came in before me at 9AM. A refreshingly good showing, but this is a very solid blue area in a solid blue state. There’s a contentious local election plus 24 (!) ballot propositions.

  • BrianW

    Normally, I would have voted by now, because it would be the first thing to do on Election Day (after waking up, brushing teeth, etc. of course). Our polling place is the school on the corner, so an easy walk Today, however, I have been asked to watch the grandson when he gets home from school (yes, the one on the corner). So, I’m waiting till he gets here, and he will go with me. Yes, it’s that important to me that he sees how it’s done. I originally typed, “we will be voting together,” but don’t want to get the trolls all excited.

    Yeah, there may be a long line for us to wait in. It’ll be worth it; he’s a pretty smart 9 year old, so I enjoy his company. I really want him to be part of this day, and I want him to see how important this is..

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Good for you, and he’s lucky to have you as a Grandpa. :)

      • BrianW

        Nah, it’s the other way around, Anna. That I can assure you.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          ~hugs~

          Why can’t both be true?

          • BrianW

            Waiting for him to get home so we can go vote. I don’t think I’ve been this excited since my first election! And yes, partially because he’s going with me, and partially because we’re going to make History today and help elect the first female President.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            :D I was never so excited to cast my ballot, too. My first POTUS election was Bill Clinton, and I voted for him happily again in ’96, but this, voting for Hillary Rodham Clinton for POTUS was not only an honor, but a thrill. :)

          • BrianW

            I’m older than you, so my first POTUS election was 1984. The less said about my wayward youth, the better….

      • BeachBum

        When I become worm food at least I will know I had kids and grandkids.

    • Yr. Gma

      Yr. Gpa has taken the grandkids with him several times. Once they encountered their daddy there and were thrilled. They get to wear our “I voted” stickers.

      • BrianW

        I think I will let him wear mine, just to jack with the Trumpettes I know will be there. Maybe I can get him two of them; go all in as it were.

    • jmk

      I used to take the offspring with me to vote every year – he liked to pull the little levers and I wanted him to see it as something you do as a matter of course. Eight years ago, I let him vote for Obama for me so he could remember doing that. This year, of course, he’s on his own, seeing how he’s over 18, shaves at least weekly, and is registered to vote on his own…and a little bit of me is sad about that.

      • BrianW

        Yeah, the youngest kid has her degree and is in nursing school now. I remember bringing her home from the hospital. Sigh.

  • Thanksgiving Loki

    I’m very excited to have Lady Hillary Emails Benghazi Whitewater Macbeth as our next president, thanks to the vote rigging of some witches and their vagenda of manicide.

    • Tacoclamgenda

      Plenty of upfists for you!!

  • Thanksgiving Loki

    Hell, the story of the GOP side of this campaign is that they were so busy hating so many minorities that they mostly forgot to hate fags, except for when the Supreme Court decided to gay the entire nation right in the middle of primary season.

    Queerty had a round up of guys voting today. Which was mostly a bunch of guys wearing “I Voted” stickers on their “I’m With Her” shirts. But there were just enough guys with Trump paraphernalia to remind me that there are some real Peter Thiels out there among gay men. And then I felt very sad.

    • cat cafe

      Self-hatred is a terrible thing, especially when it spills over into hating others.

      • Thanksgiving Loki

        One of them hilariously captioned his photo “I hate liars.” So he hates liars so much he’s voting for a man who bragged about paying no taxes in a national debate, and then an hour latter claimed he had never said it?

        • cat cafe

          What he really means is “I hate women,” or even “I hate myself for being gay, because I’ve internalized the sad messages from weak, threatened haters.”

      • Thanksgiving Loki

        The worst part is that one of the Trumpkins had really great hair. I was like, “I hate you so much as a human being, but your hair spills off your head like a glorious waterfall…”

        Anyone who knows me knows how weak in the knees guys with long hair make me.

        But I can comfort myself over the fact that I have broken up with someone because they were Republican (okay, it was more like I wasn’t particularly interested in him before, and that was just the giant steaming pile of horseshit that pushed me into breaking it off).

        • BeachBum

          I really have to agree with someone on politics and religion to have a relationship. “Agree to disagree” doesn’t work for me.

          • Thanksgiving Loki

            Yeah. There is a zero percent chance I could ever be in a relationship with someone who is a conservative. They’re too… evil I guess would be the appropriate word.

  • Bitter Scribe

    The Republicans will forever be known as the party that thought it would be a good idea to run Donald Trump for president.

    If that doesn’t destroy their credibility forever, nothing will.

    • reelreeler

      I agree but sadly credibility isn’t needed to appeal to republican voters. All you need is the right mixture of jingoism, racism and the second amendment.

  • Bad Hombre Ron

    I wish I could believe it’ll actually be over today. I really do.

  • Amy!

    Daddy was born six days before the election in which FDR was first elected (which was, in fact, eighty-four years ago today, exactly, November 8 1932). Naturally, he didn’t vote in that election, or ever for FDR, or even for Harry Truman in 1948, and he even missed 1952 (because twenty-one was the magic number, then). In 1956, as a straight white working-class male in industrial Ohio, he voted for the first time (Democratic, of course). 1960, 1964, 1968, 1972 (that’s the first one I remember much about), 1976, 1980 (my first! what a disappointment it was), 1984, 1988, 1992, 1996, 2000, 2004, 2008, 2012. Hasn’t missed one.

    He’s been in the hospital for almost three weeks now. Mother voted early. Daddy couldn’t (see above: hospital). But Mother called the local election commission, and he’s getting his ballot brought in and then taken back to count! Since 1964, the family’s been a tiny spot of blue in a sea of red East Tennessee small town (hell, the Instapundit and I were friends in Junior High and High School), and those votes have been “wasted,” in some sense (almost never voting for the candidate who won locally, I mean). But they’ve never been wasted. They’ve always been counted. And turning out (even taking over the local, then-dixiecrat Democratic party local (briefly) when my big brother turned eighteen) has always mattered.

    He and I had some interesting discussions this summer: he was a professor of history, with a specialization in the German naval mutiny, Weimar, and the rise of Hitler and Nazism. I also trained as an historian, through research for the dissertation, with a specialization in the New Economic Policy era in the nascent Soviet Union … the era of Stalin’s rise to power. There are some disturbing parallels; we agreed that we hoped that our society would prove more resilient and less filled with hatred.

    Vote! Vote! Vote!

    • cat cafe

      Thank you for sharing this wonderful story!

    • Yr. Gma

      I love your dad.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Pfft. Why learn history if we’re just going to repeat it?

      Kidding! I’m kidding!

    • nightmoth

      Bless your Dad, and Mom! You’ve been well parented.

  • cheetojeebus

    What really chaps my ass is there was no where on the ballot to include a “fuck you Donald” with my vote?

  • Khavrinen

    “We are still standing, and Hillary is standing, and now it’s time to WIN A DAMN ELECTION.”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHwVBirqD2s

  • Yr. Gma

    Yr, Gpa went to the polls today and said there was a man there who spoke only Spanish being helped by an elderly poll worker who knew some high-school Spanish and everyone was kind. My guess is that the Spanish speaking workers hadn’t yet arrived (he is always the first in line when the doors open, is Yr. Gpa). I’ve seen them there every time (when I didn’t mail-vote).

  • whitroth

    I voted this morning. I’ve lived around the country, and have *never* seen a line like this – I got there are 07:20, and stood for over half an hour.

    I think that one or both of Obama’s elections broke 60% US turnout.

    Meanwhile, 10 years ago in France, it was a national disgrace, on the front page of every paper in huge fonts, every tv and radio show, that the turnout the day before had been *only* 72%.

    Don’t anyone talk about their “rights” near me, if they haven’t done their *duty*.

    In Australia, I understand that it’s a $25 fine for not voting. This is the US: I propose that you get a card when you vote, and when you go to renew your driver’s license, if you haven’t voted in 8 years, you don’t get to drive for three months; if you haven’t voted in 12 years, you don’t drive for *six* months. That’ll get people where it hurts…

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I used to date/ be BFs with a really great woman from Australia, and she was flabbergasted to learn that voting isn’t mandatory in the USA, and how many Americans don’t exercise their right and duty to vote.

  • BeachBum

    OT I remember 1992 election. I got to a church polling place late after work and had to park blocks away. It was cold and dark already and a long waiting line thru the parking lot. The amazing thing was everybody was so happy and excited ! Complete strangers joking and kidding around. I was so happy to find out the next day my district had gone for Bill, and not even close.

  • Cliff Hendroval

    Voted around 7:15 or so this morning. I was number 176 on my scanner and that was one of two. I’m fairly sure that my precinct will go for HO – lots of plumbers, lawn guys, HVAC guys, etc. in my neighborhood – but HRC will take the state no sweat, so that’s cool.

  • puipui

    I want to upfist this whole post. Thank you, Evan!

  • Invidosa

    I voted is morning at 11am. I stood in line next to a tiny old African American lady who was explaining to her granddaughter h important this moment was, to vote for the first lady president. Then I cried A little as I filled in my stupid black bubble.

  • WeepingAngel

    I took two of my daughters to vote today- first time for them! I was so excited that their first vote was for the first female president. By the next presidential election, my youngest daughter will be able to vote.
    I wanted to say thanks for this site, it has provided me with much laughter and sanity since the 2008 election (though I’ve only recently created an account).
    You guys are awesome!

  • Rambo Furum
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