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Sadly, no undead mummies in this one
Hillary Clinton and Sidney Blumenthal, probably.

Ever since the stunning news broke Friday that “Hillary Clinton Dot Dot Dot Emails, What About Them, Don’t Ask James Comey, He Dunno,” Donald Trump has used pretty much every sniffing moment to loudly say Hillary’s email “scandal” is “WORSE THAN WATERGATE!” He literally said it on the TV we are watching while we were writing that sentence. He’s been saying it for a while, of course, and we’ve always found it funny in that “Haha, Donald Trump might be president and then America will fall like Rome did and all living things will die” kind of way. Ha ha!

Trump’s invocation of the phrase works because A) Donald Trump does not know what Watergate is, and 2) Donald Trump’s supporters don’t know what it is either. The only thing they know for sure is that Watergate was when we started naming scandals “ThingGate” and “YourMomGate” and, of course, “EmailGate.”

Well! One of the guys who did Benghazi during the Watergate scandal was John Dean, who served as Richard Nixon’s general counsel. And because he did Watergate, he knows what it is! Sadly, for Trump and the rancid wombat farts who are voting for him, Dean informs us that Watergate and HillaryGate are nothing alike, and that Watergate was actually way worse.

Dean explains in the New York Times, first by dropping a dollop of #HistoryKnowledge about what Watergate actually was:

The Watergate scandal, for the record, began on June 17, 1972, as a bungled burglary by men working out of Nixon’s re-election committee, who were arrested in the Democratic National Committee offices at the Watergate complex in Washington. […]

[T]hese investigations revealed astounding abuses of presidential power by Nixon, which included other illegal break-ins and burglaries; illegal electronic surveillance; misuses of agencies of government like the I.R.S., C.I.A. and F.B.I.; the practice of making political opponents into enemies and using the instruments of government to attack them; and then employing perjury and obstruction of justice to cover it all up.

Dean goes on to note that Nixon never apologized, never admitted he did anything wrong, never gave a shit what his lawyers advised him to do, died pretending he was innocent, oh and also one time he said, “When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.” Ha ha! Sounds like Donald Trump talking about torture! Ha ha!

Dean then compares and contrasts that with Hillghazi The Hotmail Demon:

Contrast that with Mrs. Clinton, whose “scandal” is the result of her desire — like that of many, including President Obama — not to give up her Blackberry email account when she entered the executive branch.

Hillary Clinton was being a typical #Old, and she didn’t want to get rid of her Blackberry, because Chelsea and Huma had FINALLY helped her figure out how to work the buttons on it, and this is not the same thing as Richard Nixon and Watergate because OF COURSE IT’S NOT, YOU STUPID FUCKS.

Dean notes that, “Unlike Nixon, she has apologized,” and that “again, unlike Nixon — she had no criminal intent in any of her actions.” Now that might sound like some weird conspiracy theory to say that, but that’s what FBI Director James Comey actually determined back in the summer, before Comey decided to jam Anthony Weiner’s dick into the election and investigate some more Hillary emails, possibly because a bunch of lesser FBI agents and his own wife were making him cry uncontrollably and he was trying to protect his “reputation.” Or something.

Dean also makes the same point we just made — we promise we had the idea ALL BY OURSELVES — about how Trump and his supporters ain’t know who or what “Watergate” even is, and also debunks another lie Trump has been telling, about how Hillary was “fired from the Watergate Commission.” History-splain us, John Dean, you lovable Watergate crimer:

[T]here was never a Watergate commission (presumably he means the House Judiciary Committee), and she wasn’t fired — I know, because I asked the man who supposedly did the firing.

This is more than an innocent mistake. The idea that Mrs. Clinton was fired from the committee during its impeachment inquiry of Nixon is a mainstay among right-wing conspiracy-mongers.

Something Trump says on the campaign trail is Breitbart-grade conspiracy theory bullshit? WHOA IF TRUE.

Dean concludes by saying Donald Trump himself is quite a lot like Richard Nixon, except for Nixon had some good qualities, while Trump seems to be a 100% grade-A shitbrick with no redeeming qualities. (Not his exact words.)

In conclusion, Watergate was a really bad thing, and maybe all the people saying it’s just like Hillary Clinton’s email nonsense should STFU and READ A BOOK, DUMB-DUMBS.

[New York Times]

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