They named it after a scary movie and everything
They named it after a scary movie and everything

Some meanies at Chicago Public Schools canceled an agreement to let a Christian group hold a haunted house in a local elementary school, simply because the group planned to re-create the Pulse nightclub mass shooting as a warning to young folks not to get shot to death in a mass killing without first being Saved. The district backed out of an agreement with Tyrone Tappler Productions to stage the haunted house after seeing a now-removed online ad for the “Christian interactive experience,” seeking actors to volunteer as victims of the Pulse shootings: “Club Pulse, Dancers, Victims … CAGED PEOPLE/SCREAMERS, Extras needed trying to escape a cage! … SOUNDS INTERESTING? COME OUT THIS SATURDAY!!!”

Can’t imagine why anyone would have a problem with that, considering that other parts of the “Hell House”-style attraction — an exercise in bringing a Chick Tract to life — would depict a botched abortion (presumably sending the woman and the doctor to Hell) and another re-creation of a mass shooting, the 2015 massacre at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, where we presume all the victims went straight to heaven, so that would be the happiest massacre of all. A description of the show on the now-memory-holed ticket order page said “The Room” is one of the most laughably inept movies ever made

a real life haunted house. Guests will experience IN YOUR FACE scenes of dark reality. … You will walk in 10 Rooms and encounter individuals who will make choices. The choice is life or death; sin or salvation; heaven or hell. The scenes will be action-packed, real and jaw dropping.

So we guess the heaven-or-hell “choice” for the Pulse massacre scenario involved avoiding being gay, Pueurto Rican, or dancing in nightclubs like some sort of heathen. In any case, the Chicago school district had to go and spoil all the fun, so kids will never find Jesus now.

Mr. Tappler’s website (warning: annoying music you can’t turn off!) explains he is something of an artistic genius at stage productions that save souls, including this promo for a Christian mini-series on YouTube, which we were able to stomach about two minutes of:

He seems awfully earnest, we’ll give him that. Last Friday, the Chicago Public Schools announced the cancellation of the production, which had been scheduled to take place at Fernwood Elementary (really!), saying,

The event organizers mischaracterized the true content of the event, and we did not approve any association with the activities the organizers have now advertised […] The event will not be held on CPS property.

Barth Gimble had no comment.

Still, if you want a good fright, you could probably simply follow election coverage. Have you seen that Kurt Eichenwald piece on Donald Trump’s habit of destroying evidence in lawsuits? It’s scarier than Dr. Tongue’s 3-D House of Beef.

Donald Trump has not yet commented on the cancellation, although we expect he’ll Tweet that if Chicago kids want to see people shot to death, they can just walk down the street any day, so their parents should vote twice for him. What the hell have they got to lose?

[Crooks & Liars / Windy City Times]

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  • Crank Tango

    What’s with Zombie Rihanna on the flyer?

  • Snark Tank, Bad Hombre
  • Callyson

    Club Pulse, Dancers, Victims … CAGED PEOPLE/SCREAMERS, Extras needed trying to escape a cage! … SOUNDS INTERESTING?

    Um, no, actually it sounds revolting FFS…

  • Michael R
    • Jeffocaster in the desert

      She has said, She stands behind Trump!

      • thixotropic jerk

        She has said she stands behind Trump, but can she stand what comes from Trump’s behind?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Dear Twitter,

      Just collecting material for my boss’s 3am tweetstorm tonight. See you shortly!


    • DainBramage

      Just collecting her wages.

    • Lamb Urgini

      This was Chris Christies job , but one day he forgot the bucket ,

    • kareemachan

      Catching a dump from tRump!

  • Jeffocaster in the desert

    Seems like a tasteful, family fun evening of laughs to me. Why would the Chicago Schools (our motto: open today, amazing!) want to censor Christian values, among this joyous holiday season…..

  • beavertank

    Someone may also want to explain to them that photoshopping glowing eyes and mud/blood/whatever onto a picture doesn’t actually save you from a claim of copyright infringement. If that was their flyer, the school may have done them a bigger favor than they realize.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Christians,

    Please stop doing it wrong. And by “it,” I mean every. fucking. thing.

    No love,


    • Jeffocaster in the desert

      They can not do wrong. They have been saved. So sayth Jesus. Amen.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Tricycle Riding Facepalm Jesus approves this message!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      “Son, you’re not making Christianity better, you’re making rock n’ roll worse!”

      – Hank Hill

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    Pretty sure they’re gonna get a call from Rihanna’s agent about that flier, since that’s definitely her and she only associates with the classiest haunted houses.

  • shastakoala

    Whatever happened to the good ole days when manic clowns waving rusty chainsaws chased small children?

    • Barley_Brains

      The Republican Convention?

    • cmd

      So I read that some Florida residents plan to carry guns when they take the kiddies out in case scary clowns threaten them. Nothing could go wrong there, though.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        I don’t want no stinkin’ Mary Janes, punk. Give me the the Snickers, goddamit.

        • cmd

          I did survive passing out candies, so that’s a positive.

      • Crystalclear12

        Unpacking thoughts and prayers.

        • cmd

          Does make me wonder if I want to sit out and pass out candy or not…..

  • Barley_Brains

    It’ll be sad in Fernwood Tonight.

  • Is that zombie Rhianna in the flyer?

    • Objectifer

      I thought it was undead Mary Hartman.

  • Snark Tank, Bad Hombre

    Full disclosure: I LOVE bad movies. Movies that are so bad, they’re nearly works of really bad art. “The Room” is high on my list of wonderful bad movies, along with “Manos: Hands of Fate” and “Plan 9”. It’s so gloriously bad, so ineptly made, but yet so earnest in trying to be something not awful that it’s pure awfulness is transcended to new heights of awfultude, Did Claudette really have breast cancer? If so, why does NO ONE EVER TALK ABOUT IT? What’s the deal with Johnny’s client? If his identity is so confidential WHY TALK ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE? And perhaps most perplexingly, WHO THE FUCK WOULD PLAY THE WORLD’S MOST BORING GAME OF CATCH WITH A FOOTBALL WHILE WEARING TUXEDOS??????

    • Any Troma movie, really. Of course, there’s “so bad it’s good,” and then there’s the “Oh god! Kill it! Kill it with fire!” category. “You Light Up My Life,” or “Battlefield Earth” are in the latter category.

    • Seek

      I’ve pointed this out here before but seriously, you Can Not Go Right with the 80’s classic “The Barbarian Brothers”. Twin body builders in an Arnold as Conan sword and sandals thing that makes Arnold look like Sir John Gielgud. Simply and completely awful beyond your wildest imaginings.

    • vixenmonkey

      Manos is only acceptable if seen on MST3K.

  • Guests will experience IN YOUR FACE scenes of dark reality


    So will it show the devout religious parents agonizing over the hospital bed of their toddler with Leukemia wondering why God would afflict their child and refuse to heal them?

    Or the child being sexually abused by a trusted religious figure being told by the church to stop lying and apologize to her abuser?

    Or perhaps one of the Sandy Hook kids huddling in a cupboard terrified and frightened as God does nothing to stop a sick man with a gun from ending their brief, innocent lives.

    Oh, maybe it depicts a woman being raped and being forced by the law to keep the rapist’s child and how the rapist will have parental visitation right?

    Your “reality” is myopic, Sir.

    • elviouslyqueer

      But, but… THE GAYS! THE ABORTERS!

    • Objectifer

      …mumble, mumble, mysterious ways and such…

    • arglebargle

      Don’t forget “The Duggar” room.

      • sw19headlesshorseperson

        I think that was covered with Room Number Two.

        Also, I would like to forget, because ew.

        • arglebargle

          You are correct. My mind went straight to catholic priests when first reading the list. Anyway, fuck ’em all.

    • Alex Grey
  • beavertank

    Oy, that video… I know steady-cams aren’t cheap, but if they had skimped on just one bad fedora they could have gotten something that would have improved the video immeasurably.

  • Anna Dash!

    If Y’allz wonder why I testy about Christians sometimes, here is an good example to illustrate.

  • DainBramage

    I miss the good old days, when Xtian crazies would avoid Halloween completely because it’s a pagan gateway to hell.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Hey, those “dress as a bible character” pageants sure were…fun?

      • vivian

        “No! I wanna be Apostle Paul this year! Steven got to be Paul last year! It’s MY TURN!”

        • Objectifer

          “But I don’t wanna be a Pharisee.”

  • Scooby
  • Vecchiojohn

    These twits should hire Count Ffloyd.

  • cmd

    Wow, and many churches discourage Halloween because it supposedly celebrates evil things. This has to be the suckiest thing I have seen at least all afternoon. (Hard to say if for the whole day, as there is just too much suckiness today.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Blessed are the crass, for they shall never be accused of excessive good taste.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    My fav political thriller:

  • Blacktop Cadence

    You know what, since we’re mentioning Youtubes miniseries let’s go the opposite way.

    A six part drama about life and dating for post-transition transwomen. Try for some quality for a change, right wingers.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    I guess the Christians have decided to fall back on the scare em straight approach to salavation

    • Courser

      No, it’s never gone away, at least not here in Colorado. We got the crazyfundies down in Co Springs and lots of ’em come up to the Denver Hellscape to put on those Christian Moral Horrorshows. I don’t know anyone who’s ever gone to one. They’re just gross, not scary.

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        I suspect the sexually warped christianist darlings get off on it, even if no one attends.

  • Anna Rompage

    What kind of sick fuck puke would think that it would be fun and spooky to hold a Halloween party that recreates one of the largest mass shootings and tragedies in the history of this country?

    • Blacktop Cadence

      Well, the time you call a sick fuck puke, honestly.

    • mackafritz

      A fundie.

    • Crystalclear12

      Christians. It’s for your own good.

    • Kiri the Nasty Unicorn

      They’re trying to scare kids away from “choosing” to be gay. That’s the whole point of these things. There’s probably a “botched abortion” scene with bloody dismembered dolls, some D & D players getting raped by demons, that sort of thing.

  • memzilla

    You wanna frighten a bunch of kids, put them in a room with zero bars on their phone.

    • If you ever want to see a reenactment of a zombie movie, just live (like I do) in an area where cell service ranges from “spotty” to “none.” The dead eyes, twitching, moans…

    • Crystalclear12

      Kids? I need my electronic pacifier.

    • NastyBosGrl

      I just read this aloud to my daughter, who gave me a pity laugh :D

  • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

    Give me werewolves, ghouls, goblins, phantoms, ghosts, banshees, vampires, witches, poltergeists, zombies and demons over hateful Christians any day.

    • mackafritz

      Hateful christians are more terrifying that all of those put together times eleventy.

      • revenant

        because hateful “christians” are, sadly, real.
        unlike werewolves etc.

    • Welcome back Ms. MLG!

      • The Deplorable Ms. MLG

        Thanks! Hi!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      All those monsters are just as believable as the Christians and, sadly, much less scary.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Is there a single damned bit of right-wing assholishness happening in 2016 that either Mike Judge or the Simpsons crew didn’t predict a decade ago?

  • shastakoala

    I wonder if they were gonna have snacks? Religious ones?

    • Barley_Brains

      Or perhaps partake in ritualistic cannibalism.

  • BadKitty904

    Since the kids murdered in the Pulse Massacre were slaughtered due to religious bigotry and hatred, I’m guessing these Illinois fundies are encouraging schoolkids to shun that type of holy hypocrisy, yes?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    The event organizers mischaracterized the true content of the event

    I bet they don’t have a room about “lying for Jesus”.

    • But Eusebius and Luther said that if lyin’ stops your fryin’ it’s all cool

    • SterWonk

      Something something Taqiya!!1!1one!! something.

  • Bill D. Burger

    I’m sure the good, godly Christians then retreated to: “Well then! Be that way. Halloween is ‘of the devil’ anyway. Come on Buffy. Come Skip. We won’t celebrate this ungodly paganism, we’ll go and plan the decor of our Christmas tree.”

    • Barley_Brains

      “Yes, let’s go dust off the Nativity Scene and see if we can sneak it onto the courthouse lawn!”

    • Objectifer

      Saturnalia tree.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Great, now the chick tract haunted house is reduced to a single room with nerds sitting around a table playing Dungeons & Dragons.

    • puipui


  • vivian

    This really isn’t helping me overcome my belief that people of faith are demented.

    • theCryptofishist

      That may be more of an astute observation.

  • Michael Smith

    What!? That’s pretty shocking, even for this lot.

    So, wait, what if you go into the haunted house and you make the “wrong choice”? Like (if you’re a guy) you start hitting on the dudes that are dressed up? Would they be mad? Would they try to kill you? Or would they just think you were part of the show and go with it? I could see the headline

    “Homophobic Christian Haunted House Inadvertently Becomes Massive Orgy”

  • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

    Sounds like a wonderful topic for elementary age kids. I can’t imagine why those administrative meanies would have seen fit to cancel it.

  • Fartknocker

    I’m a tad perplexed why a christian organization would choose a public school for such a wonderful christian event, given all of the freedom of religion and the freedom from a lot of taxes provided to them by the Constitution.

  • whitroth

    I really do have to make the movie of my own that I’ve been thinking about for year, called, tentatively, the BiLair Priest Project, where teens are making a movie, and they’re molested by a Catholic priest, and then, when one of them tells their minister, he decides that that couldn’t have happened, and will exorcise them… if he has to beat them to death. He takes them out into the woods and starts, but some Real Witches* hear the screams, and come and save the teens, subduing and tying up the minister, and his friend the molesting priest, who he’d asked for help in the exorcism, and bringing in the cops.

    Anyone interested in making this movie?

    • Barley_Brains

      Are the teen traveling around in a van with a big goofy dog?

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Will there be snacks?

        • whitroth

          If I get donations and volunteers…

          • theCryptofishist

            Just put out a call to the entire country, and if you don’t get snacks and freedom vanilla creamer, at least you’ll get dildos.

      • whitroth

        No. My characters are intelligent.

        • Barley_Brains


    • yyyaz

      I’ll be a warlock if you need a scary old guy to be one of the Real Witches.

      • whitroth

        Anyone claiming to be a warlock is A Idiot. No actual Pagan, nor into High Magick, would claim that. Esp. since all of us know that it comes from the old Norse, and translates as oathbreaker. Y’know, like Comey…. (real Witches have either male witches, or a high priest and priestess.)

        • Paganish

          Thank you

  • Latverian Diplomat

    The real horrors of Halloween are tooth decay and diabetes anyway.

  • FFS those “Haunted House productions are just proselytisation and as such schools should not support them

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Darn, I was going to get saved right after this one last gay abortion too.”
    — Script for the “sin of procrastination” room

    • vivian

      Isn’t the technical term for that a “Zsa Zsa Gabortion”?

  • Bill D. Burger

    Well shit! Cause’ being a Christian is sooo’ in the All Hallow’s Eve tradition. It’s just like being a pumpkin: God picks you from the big ol’ patch of peeps, brings you in, washes you off, scoops out all the stuff inside, puts a big smile on your puss and lets your little light shine from within.
    Just like THIS one………..Oh hell! That’s friggin scary. Fergit’ it

  • Ezio

    A PULSE NIGHTCLUB HAUNTED HOUSE!? You mean to tell me that they wanted to turn an event where 50 people tragically lost their lives into a HAUNTED HOUSE FOR SOME HOLIDAY!? I don’t have anything to say other than that this makes my blood boil and that this is one of the reasons why I am sometimes embarrassed to call myself a Christian.

    • Yes, because noting illustrates Christian loving God better than showing Teh Ghey massacred and sent to hell.

    • sw19headlesshorseperson

      Xtians giving christians a bad name, as fucking usual.

      • Ezio

        I mean how twisted can someone be to treat their deaths as all part of a joke?

        • Jen B_VA

          There are those who claim the mantle who follow not Christ, but their own ambitions. It was ever thus. See: Paul.

        • Kiri the Nasty Unicorn

          It’s not meant to be funny- they’re trying to keep kids from “choosing ” the “gay lifestyle”.

          Which is utter bullshit, of course.

          • Ezio

            Might as well be treating it as a joke though. They are exploiting this event for a cheap halloween-themed attraction after all.

          • theCryptofishist

            Yeah, but at least they will have a few utterly tormented years before they can finally walk away a bruised soul.

          • Historicat

            And to make a profit! No point in any of this if you can’t grift.

    • Bill D. Burger

      They used to use the death of legions of people from AIDS as their Halloween haunted house set to ‘scare little Buffy and Skip straight.’ Guess they thought they had found a substitute with this mass murder scene…..cause Jesus.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Relax, that’s only a small part of it. After the nightclub, patrons proceed to the movie theater and elementary school.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I had my doubts when this outfit did the LuftZeppelin129 Hindenburg exploding bouncy house.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    All of the information about the Trumps has been available for literally years. And yet the press let the birther bullshit, the decimation of the Republican presidential field and the destruction of the party and then the subsequent racist campaign go completely unanswered, while all the while HAMMERING Hillary, because, let me just take a stab at this– vagina?

    Also. Really makes me wonder what members of the press have signed Trump NDAs. Because really, it’s beyond “we think this guy’s a joke so that’s how we’ll cover him.” It’s a complete abnegation of duty.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Now THAT’s a scary haunted house!

  • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)
  • DesertedPictures

    If there is a god, people that participate in the subversion of a tragedy into a ‘haunted house’ to promote their own bizarro views, are probably going straight to hell.

    • John D. Wiser

      It makes me wish
      there was an actual Hell
      they could fry in for eternity..

  • Jen B_VA

    Better question, Chicago public schools, why the FUCK did you agree to let christianists stage a christian halloween event in a public school?
    Why not tell them to use, idk, their church?

    • Jamoche

      Because their “church” is probably just rented space in a strip mall.

    • Swampgas_Man

      The school PROBABLY thought it was just going to be a normal scare-thing, y’know– a few zombies, a Dracula or Frankenstein, something that wouldn’t traumatize a goddamn grade-schooler for life.

    • NastyBossetti

      They probably had to pay for the use of the space. I don’t believe CPS would just give away the space for free for no reason.

    • BouncyFlyer

      It’s all about their unchecked political power to bully anyone and everyone, any time, all the time, for any reason, knowing that the Cross lets them get away with it all, every time.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Just…I’m speechless, just speechless. The utter moral failure of the evangelical Christian cult has never been more plain.

  • Paperless Tiger

    I would hate to be as familiar with Hell as they are.

  • Jen B_VA

    True fact: I knew two girls who participated as actors in a christian haunted house who became pregnant that very night.
    Moral of the story: Suck it, Christianists.

    • Bill D. Burger

      South Park got it right:

      ♪♪Howdy Ho.
      the Virgin Mary was sleepin’
      When Angel Gabriel appeared
      He said, “You are to be the virgin mother.”
      and Mary thought that was weird.
      Mary said, “I’m not a virgin.
      I blew a guy last year.”
      But then Gabriel said to Mary,
      “My child, have no fear.”

      ‘Cause you can suck all the dick you want
      And still be a virgin, Mary.
      You can suck all the dick you want
      And still be the mother of Christ.
      If there’s no room at the inn,
      then it’s not considered a sin
      to suck some dick to get a room for the night.♪♪

      • Arolpin

        As much as I love this song, I’m not breaking out Mr Hankey’s Christmas Classics until the week after Thanksgiving, once the War Against Christmas is fully joined.

    • DesertedPictures

      Where they immaculate conceptions?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Clearly… if they’d have just sucked it they’d not have gotten into such troubles…

      • Bill D. Burger

        Low and behold!

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Blow and behold!

      • Vagendadentacohontas

        Is no one telling kids about anal anymore? SHEESH

    • OneYieldRegular

      That story, with slight alterations, was later made into a film called “Rosemary’s Baby.”

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        Ah! Beat me to it.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      Was one of them named Rosemary?

  • Blacktop Cadence

    Annnnnnd voted!

    Gotta love mail ins. :-)

    • DesertedPictures

      Did you remember to vote a couple of times in person as well? I heard Trump say that’s very important.

      • Blacktop Cadence

        Not yet, but I plan to wear a fake beard on the 8th, so I’ll be safe.

        • vivian

          I’m dressing up as lasagna so no one can identify me.

          • theCryptofishist

            Remember, the fatal weakness of a lasagna costume is unconvincing ricotta.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Got to use fresh.

    • The Wanderer


    • Anna Dash!

      Yays! :D

      Yes indeed, I’m so happy for mail-in voting this time.

  • The Wanderer

    Sabellia’s Twat, what a bunch of insensitive, foolish, simple-minded dicks.

  • I Am Helpy

    what the actual living fuck

  • Mezzaluna

    The Newsweek article was very interesting. I knew the Trumps were sleazy ratfuckers but this was impressive. Basically they push a thing until they are going to get in trouble for it, then settle. Does Dante have a level of Hell for ratfuckers?

    • ltmcdies

      It’s called Winnipeg…..

    • berkeleyfarm

      Grifters and fraudsters and traitors, oh my. (Yes.)

  • vivian

    I’m fairly sure that if ever there was a Jesus and he was privy to what would transpire in his name a couple thousand years later, he woulda climbed right down off that cross and said “just… just… just forget the whole thing. I don’t know what I was thinking…”

    • John D. Wiser

      I am reminded of a bumper sticker seen many years ago:
      “Jesus Christ Is Coming0 And Is He Ever Pissed”.

  • Holy jeebus that’s disgusting. These people have no business putting on a haunted house or any other public event….ever. And WTF was the inclusion of the AME Church shooting supposed to be a warning of? Don’t die before being saved and converted from being black? Seriously. Just the existence of this idea is horrifying. Congratulations asshats, I’ve had my first real scare for Halloween 2016.

    asshats =/= Wonketters

    • doktorzoom

      My guess is that they intended a direct contrast to the Pulse shootings, where the victims were sinful gay homosexuals and went to hell, while the Emanuel AME victims were already saved and went straight to Jebus. So that would be the happy mass shooting.

      • Ahhh, I guess I wasn’t nuts enough to understand that….Not that you are but you’re used to translating these batty people.

      • JustDon’tSayHombre

        Whatever happened to Sundays With The Christianists?

        • malsperanza

          As of this post, it stopped being funny.

        • theCryptofishist

          Possibly put aside for On the Senate Side of the Street.

          • DT

            This name is amazing. Dok should pay you.

          • theCryptofishist

            Which name?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I wonder if they’d appreciate a midnight showning of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Frank N. Furter does get bumped off in the end, so they ought to be pleased, right?
        (I attended a RHPS for the first time in decades last night – 40 years on, and the kidz today still know all the lines. The durability of camp gives me faith in humanity.)

        • doktorzoom

          That IS reassuring!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Don’t go to church while blah, I guess.

  • Suse

    Thumbs up for the reference to Barth Gimble, Dok!

  • Suse

    Even without the extremely offensive massacre “rooms’ why in the hell is a religious organization holding any sort of function at a public school?

    • Swampgas_Man

      That was also my first question!

    • Nasty_ahughes798_woman

      The same reason your tax dollars go to churches. Dubya signed a bill that allowed tax money to be used in churches. The Democrats have let it stand, without a fuss.

  • As Count Floyd would say: “It’ll scare you vight outta your pants . . . or dresses . . . or, uh, vatever you vear! Uh, AOOOOOOOOOOO! Heh heh heh.”

  • OrG

    Oh will the oppression of christians never end? I mean,what’s next a “WAR ON CHRISTMAS”?

    • Grizz1y

      Please keep the “WAR ON CHRISTMAS” until after Thanksgiving. After all I am still enjoying all of the christian oppression that is Halloween.

    • The Wanderer

      I will ready the 500 Mega-Hurts Anti-Reindeer Cannon.

  • nightmoth

    I would like to sponsor a Halloween House for evangelical christianists ONLY. I would call it “Heaven” and in it I would have gay couples and interracial couples making out. I would have rooms with the names of different religions on them filled with Buddhists meditating, Muslims kneeling on prayer rugs, Hindu girls dancing, Catholics singing Gregorian chants. I would have a bar with French wine, Irish beer, and Scotch whisky. It would have a good rock & roll band, and a sultry woman singing the blues. The only part of heaven I couldn’t incorporate into the theme would be nature: rocks and trees, skies and seas, all the animals that fly and run and creep. Then I’d lock all the christianists in there until they got religion.

    • Suse

      Can we heathen paganists attend on November 1? Sounds like fun.

      • nightmoth


    • berkeleyfarm

      Church lady (of the non-Christianist) variety is in on that as long as we had duct tape when they get whiny.

  • Vagendadentacohontas

    Pretty Christ like of them…everything I have say beyond that…well, I fear the banhammer.

  • CatDog

    Aside from anything else. this event would have been utterly gratuitous. We are all already”CAGED PEOPLE/SCREAMERS” trapped in a horror house. It’s called ‘the election’ …

  • mancityhombres

    I can’t remember the first haunted house my dad took me to. The first one I remember was when I was 10 and missing my two front teeth. Always done by the Jaycees and always a few bucks for them to do something with.
    Of course I got scared. Those places, when they’re done right are nothing but one big jump scare.
    The last one we went to, I didn’t even flinch. The chainsaw was on, but even I knew it wasn’t going to hurt me.
    I think dad took it like when I found out the truth about Santa Claus. I was growing up.

  • CatCope

    Holy fucking jeebus in a leaking canoe wearing a pointy white hat!!!!!! christians you’all call you’s?? I have a better word, however…………
    What are you doin’ even participating in a Halloween event anyway?
    Don’t you believe this is summoning satan or whatever??
    You Basket of EXCREMENTABLES!!!!!!!!!!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Scat! Takes on a whole new meaning….

  • mancityhombres

    Which one was it last year that had the star of David when they actually wanted a pentagram?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      What is disturbing is that they actually cannot count the number of points on the stars.

      • theCryptofishist

        This is what happens when you don’t have scientists like astronomers as set designers in your creepy christian scare fest.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    My soul hurts.

    • JustDon’tSayHombre

      Then it’ll have to come out!

      • The Wanderer

        All the BITS of it! NURSE!

        • theCryptofishist

          Wait, you’re cutting it up inside of IOnlyLikeCats? This is partial soul-birth abortion!

        • JustDon’tSayHombre


  • Villago Delenda Est

    Lions. Arenas. The Romans had the right idea. Just poor execution, as lions were harmed by prions.

    • MizzMazz

      Always wanted to write a children’s book about the Poor Little Lion That Didn’t Get Any Christian

  • Khavrinen

    Of course you all remember that Bible verse where Jesus says “Love thy neighbor. And if that don’t make him worship me, scare the shit out of him.”

    What? Are you sure that’s not in the Bible?
    ‘Cuz a lot of people seem to think it is.

    • malsperanza

      It’s in all the medieval reinterpretations, which is the same thing.

    • theCryptofishist

      Yeah, it’s right next to the Separation of Church and State-Funded & Operated Schools.

  • The Wanderer

    I’ll just leave this here:

  • goonemeritus

    They obviously just skimmed the Sermon on the Mount while looking for Leviticus.

  • Royal Ugly Hombre

    Have a spooky evening, everyone!

  • mondojohnson

    The Fernwood2Night reference is highly appreciated by we, the diminishing olds. Is the brilliance of that bit of experimental teevee even translatable to the menacing hordes on our lawns, what with their on-demand viddyuhs and such?

    • WomanInAMood

      A very talented man, Martin Mull.

      • Joe Monte

        He’s sure got a purty mouth!

    • Suse


    • doktorzoom

      Saw Martin Mull in concert at Northern Az University in the long-ago time. His response to a heckler: “Yeah, I remember my first beer.”

      • Me not sure

        Two words. Bun And Run….. No, wait.

  • Stulexington

    Ooooh oooh, can we make a “death of society” haunted house, with various forms of Pestilence and Death doing idiot rightwing stuff? Like a group dressed as Pestilence holding anti-vaxer signs or Death holding a sign saying “how can there be global warming when it’s snowing on Halloween” and holding a snowball in his other hand. Maybe even throwing them at the guests.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Was 77ºF on Saturday here in NYC. That proves the planet is warming up, so fuck you, Inhofe – and fuck your snowball too.

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        Science just needs to start working on water that becomes solid at room temperature. Problem Solv-ed.

        • kev

          won’t we have to redefine ‘room temperature’?

          • Usedtobeyellerdawg

            Well, that would be the easy way. “It is too room temperature! Put on a sweater!”

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          According to Kurt Vonnegut, that’s not such a good idea.

  • Shoto

    Fernwood Elementary

    Martin Mull Libelz!

  • Joe Monte
    • puipui

      You’re tearimg me apart, Lisa Tyrone Tappler Productions!

  • Greyhame

    Well I don’t know, seems like the Pulse massacre is more of a cautionary tale against an individual getting so twisted up by religious nonsense that he decides to murder everyone around him because he’s a self-loathing closet case with a gun fetish, or yeah, I suppose it could be an invitation to step into the sweet light of Jesus.

    • CatDog

      seems like an extended take on Lenny Bruce’s shtick about replacing crucifixes with little electric chairs. (btw, what he is implying about physics there is BS, because a human head isn’t an inert object, it’s attached to a neck full of nerves and muscles. I don’t believe Hicks became Alex Jones, as some do, but he sure helped lay the groundwork for our jolly conspiracy culture where every fuck on the internet appoints himself an expert on the ‘obvious’ consequences of physics).

      • DT

        It’s the inevitable product of allowing “my ignorance is as good as your knowledge” no matter how “harmless” that ignorance may be.

      • Greyhame

        Oh I never took Hicks’ material on conspiracy theories seriously, as if they were life lessons, but the rants can be hilarious at times. Also, I heard there are dick jokes on the way.

  • Bobwurst

    They’ve already got a smelly dude who’s been dead for 3 days afte me he’d been left in the sun to die. Why not do a haunted house. With Zombie Christ?

    • John D. Wiser

      …and Mary the Vampire…

  • Stein Olsen

    The only sin committed here was Tappler’s “web design”.

  • Nasty_ahughes798_woman

    Wait….something scarier than Dr. Tongues 3-D House of Beef? That is simply unpossible.

  • Me not sure
  • Notreelyhelping

    What? No room with teenagers using a Ouija board to summon demons? Amateurs.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      In my fundamentalist upbringing, the mere presence of a Ouija board in a house was sufficient to summon a demon (also see Dungeons and Dragons paraphernalia and Magic cards). It would be a great B-movie plot to have a hell house accidentally summon a real demon and have to deal with it.

      • Notreelyhelping

        The Beast that Ate the Communion Wafers? (Or Cookies if a Trump-backed project? Cash the check in advance.)

      • Meccalopolis

        Sounds like a good pitch

  • MizzMazz

    Think what you will about Dawkins, this bit he did on Hell Houses is good:

  • Jukesgrrl

    Tyrone Tappler isn’t even very original. This kind of thing has been going on for decades around Phoenix, AZ (I know … you’re SHOCKED). The most-discussed desert version is produced by a Casey Mammen, associate pastor at something called The Door Christian Fellowship Church in Tempe. After doing Hell Houses for years, The Door now promotes “plays” depicting (according to Phoenix magazine) “scenes of murder, domestic violence, rape, suicide, school shootings and more …” Mammen thinks “such productions are an effective way to evangelize.” Way back in 2008 Mammen staged a production that showed a bloody abortion scene, complete with TV footage of abortions next to footage of the whipping scene from The Passion of the Christ.” In Mammen’s plays, gay people are referred to as “faggots.” His bio on The Door’s website says he was raised by “by radically saved parents,” which I guess is code for prejudiced and rude. Come one, come all, The Door charges no intermission for its God-fearing “entertainment.”

    • CatDog

      Casey sure has got the right surname going … Mammon
      wealth regarded as an evil influence or false object of worship and devotion.
      “others have forsaken Mammon in search of something on a more spiritual plane”

    • If they give some child PTSD I hope they sue their ass off.

  • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

    With any luck Rihanna’s lawyers will step in, and sue these idiots out of existence for using her likeness without consent.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    What – no godly lessons from a recreation of the Newtown massacre?

  • Kathy Taus

    I coudn’t finish reading it

  • Tosca

    AND they were asking actors to work for free. At least they weren’t offering “Exposure”…

  • Turkish71

    Fundies are so cute. They’re convinced that they are “persecuted” for their religious views, when it’s their small-minded lack of basic human decency, sanctimoniously swaddled in pious hypocrisy, that is the real culprit.

    “When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead- it is difficult only for others. It’s the same when you are stupid.” -unknown

  • Me not sure

    Next year, Nagasaki!

  • borninatrailer

    No Holocaust or Twin Tower rooms? Pussies.

    • clubseal

      They couldn’t get the rights from Tolkien.

    • starkitty

      Silly commenter, the only horror that counts is the stuff that scares the kids towards Jesus. Because that was totally what worked in ancient Palestine. It’s in muh bibul.

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Okay, if you watch that miniseries promo with the sound off, it’s actually kind of hilarious.

  • Zyxomma

    Many years ago, a friend described to me one of those Xtian haunted houses. At that time, they were just about fetus fetishizing. The friend who described it was gay, so I guess that was before the god botherers started worrying about the “gay agenda.”

  • Cool_North

    Totally christian vibe.

  • Meccalopolis

    Awooo! Very scary

  • julebud

    Did those “Hell House” boobs use a photo of Rhianna to make that ad?

  • RedDwarf

    Totally nitpicking here because all the other Not Okay has been brought up already, but has anyone else noticed the ad contains the phrase “Children Under 13 Will Not Permitted”?

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