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This election is going better than 2008, we think.
DON’T LAUGH YET, HILLZ.

It’s been a fortnight since we have brought you an installment in our famous Pulitzer-winning series “LOL Hillary Might Win Hilarious State Democrats Never Win” (actual Pulitzer prize pending for some reason). But that fortnight is over, because here’s why:

In a poll conducted by Lake Research Group in Alaska, Clinton and GOP candidate Donald Trump are essentially tied. Trump leads the former Secretary of State by a single percentage point, 37% to 36%. Libertarian Gary Johnson pulls seven percent and Stein tallies three points in the survey of 500 likely voters.

The poll shows a huge swing for Clinton from the same one done in August, which showed her trailing the real estate mogul by eight points.

The survey isn’t necessarily an outlier, either. A poll last week done by the Alaska Dispatch News showed Trump up by less than six points. Alaska has only voted for one Democratic presidential candidate since becoming a state in 1959.

Alaska! Sarah Palin’s house! Moose-chili! And Hillary might pull it out and become the unelected snow queen of it, with votes!

Both of Alaska’s senators, Dan Sullivan and Lisa Murkowski, have called on Donald Trump to drop out of the race, and have resigned their posts in the state’s Republican party. So maybe that’s helping Hillary, or maybe Trump being the most disgusting manchild in U.S. America is helping Hillary, or MAYBE Hillary is even helping Hillary!

So, this is very nice news about Alaska. But what about some of the OTHER states we’ve written about in our LOLZ HILLARY WINS series? We are glad you asked!

In Arizona, where the race is basically tied right now, Hillary is sending some big guns out to campaign this week, by which we mean the literally big guns of Michelle Obama. Also, Bernie Sanders (who we bet has big guns too, but we can’t be sure because he never goes sleeveless like the first lady) and Chelsea Clinton are heading that way, to campaign for their mom. As Mediaite notes, Hillary is also spending two million moneys on ads in Arizona this week.

In Georgia, as of this moment right now, new polls are showing Hillary a little bit ahead, if you can believe such a thing.

In Texas, Hillary is running this ad right now, for a whole week. It is about how Donald Trump sucks and Texas should vote for her RIGHT NOW:

She is running that ad because she’s absolutely within striking distance in Texas, as a new poll has Trump up by only four points, which, according to Texas’s WFAA-TV, is within the margin of error. Boy howdy!

And have you even heard how bat-ass-wacky polls are right now in deep red Mormon Utah, where everybody hates Donald Trump? For just one weird example, look at the results of this Rasmussen poll, done this weekend, and released Monday morning:

Donald Trump has 30%, conservative Evan McMullin has 29%, and Hillary Clinton has 28%. Gary Johnson has collapsed to 5%, with Stein at 1%.

Now, not all the polls are that close, but whoa! By the way, for those of you saying “Evan Mc’ScuseMe?,” remember there is this dude Evan McMullin and he is a Mormon and he claims to be running for president. And in Utah, he could actually winned! Or Trump could winned! Or Hillary Clinton could employ just the right strategery and #rig the election by convincing a few more percent of Mormons to vote for her.

Hey, Mormons in Utah, you should be like these Mormons, who are for Hillary, in this ad!

The point is Hillary is going to win all Barack Obama’s 57 states, and even if she doesn’t, it’s starting to look like she will beat Trump so hard on his ass that we might never hear from him again, because he’s so embarrassed. Isn’t that what you want for America? Won’t that make you feel joy in your heart? THEN GO VOTE, in Jesus’s name, Amen.

[Mediaite / Rasmussen]

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  • churl

    Remember when Frist was a thing?

    • NationalGalleryofClipArt

      He’s my doctor. All my checkups are done quick & easy on Snapchat.

  • Nounverb911
  • Joe Beese
  • bubbuhh

    Roll Out Those Taco Trucks! Vote on!

  • Msgr_Trump_has_killed_satire

    starting to look like she will beat Trump so hard on his ass that we might never hear from him again,…

    Correction: she will yank his manpussy so hard that we might never hear him again, except as a mezzosoprano.

  • Blacktop Cadence

    My sweet, deceased me-maw would say that to show a little empathy to those at their lowest is Christian. Well, I’m not a Christian so I hope these assholes keep sinking.

    • BearGHAZI

      When the election is over they can cart their bruised asses to the the FEMA infirmary

  • TundraGrifter

    “Moose-chili?” Isn’t he the guy in Italy who got the trains to run on time?

  • mrFawkes

    Dear Penthouse: As a small-town college boy never in a million years did i think this could happen in Alaska.

    • Snark Tank of Deplorables

      Levi, put the computer away and come to dinner!

      • dos_centavos

        Levi, put the computer away and come to dinner! blow some clouds!

        FTFY…

  • Yr. Gma

    Maybe Sarah will let Hillary keep an eye on Putin from her porch.

  • therblig

    clinton will certainly get the moose-lim vote

  • I have a feeling that if Trump loses, he’ll come down with a case of Polonium poisoning.

    • bubbuhh

      Iz that an ingredient in his man tan spray?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      If I were Ivanka, I’d revet my personal protection team and double it.

      • Unfortunately “To the mattresses!” has disturbing connotations for Ivanka.

        • NationalGalleryofClipArt

          SAVAGE.

    • eddi

      Only if his real net worth is below ten million.

      • Blank Ron, Avenger of Ponies

        ‘If’?

        • eddi

          Serious estimates say one to three billion. Post a bunch of out-of-court settlements it could nose dive while he is prepping his next scam.

  • therblig

    when will 538 dispense with showing percentages for trump and just post “beaten like a rented mule”?

  • If Hillary manages to win Georgia, I’m planning to do a big Nelson “HA HA!” to Alabama, Tennessee, and Mississippi.

    • By the way, those of us in Savannah and Tybee are FINE despite Hurricane Matthew.

      Thanks for asking, you heartless motherfuckers.

  • beingreleased

    I haven’t lived in Texas in 20 years, but I’m sure I can still voter fraud there.

  • Redgyal

    Hah! Trump doesn’t know the meaning of the word embarrassed. He’ll just move on to the next scam.

    • limberrat

      I can imagine him spending 2 hours ranting in his concession speech and promoting his classy hotels then spend 10 seconds conceding.

      • eddi

        I can see him not saying a thing. Then showing up in his office Monday like nothing happened for the last year and a half. Refusing to talk about anything but his next big real estate deal.

        • limberrat

          He might send out Pence to do his concession speech for him.

          • eddi

            Pence may make a concession speech. But Trump will tweet that he is still running until the election is over on November 28.

          • Blank Ron, Avenger of Ponies

            ‘We didn’t lose!’

      • Gayer Than Thou

        His concession speech will be one for the record books. I expect self-promotion, as you suggest, and A LOT of the finger pointing. We are likely to have a new definition of “sore loser” after that.

      • malsperanza

        Concession speech? There will be no concession speech. He will declare that he does not accept the tally and will be filing lawsuits in all 50 states.

        Then he will go home and the GOP will fail to file the lawsuits.

    • Joe Beese

      Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has informally approached one of the media industry’s top dealmakers about the prospect of setting up a Trump television network after the presidential election in November.

      Mr Kushner — an increasingly influential figure in the billionaire’s presidential campaign — contacted Aryeh Bourkoff, the founder and chief executive of LionTree, a boutique investment bank, within the past couple of months, according to three people with knowledge of the matter.

      https://www.ft.com/content/7dc39954-940e-11e6-a1dc-bdf38d484582

      • limberrat

        And it looks like Bourkoff told them to screw themselves.
        https://twitter.com/mikeallen/status/788057979442565121

        • edith prickly

          LOOOOOOL

        • Redgyal

          Good. I’m sure there’s an apartment complex in Queens that Trump can go rent out. He needs to stay in his wheelhouse.

        • malsperanza

          Can’t imagine why not. All he needs to do is get all payments from Turnip up front in cash and get him to sign a binding-arbitration agreement or two, or six.

          • Payments from Turnip up front … I think I see the flaw in your cunning plan

        • Msgr_Trump_has_killed_satire

          I thought that was the case with all US banks. Explaining why he’s in bed with Big Russia.

      • Lefty Frizzell

        Am I the only person wondering what the fuck is a boutique investment bank?

        • malsperanza

          Very high end, low profile merchant bank. No retail banking; just a trading floor and selected private clients.

      • Lefty Frizzell

        Isn’t Trump the media industry’s top dealmaker?

        • Usedtobeyellerdawg

          Trump is every industry’s top deal maker. Just ask him.

    • Boscoe

      Shit, knowing trump, he’ll claim he won and probably start moving his stuff into the White House…

      • Gayer Than Thou

        “No, Donald, really – you don’t live here. You lost, and you – Melania, can you do something? He isn’t … Security!”

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I’m forwarding your comment to the writing staff of SNL.

          They probably run a fine-tooth-comb comb through this forum every week anyway :)

  • Joe Beese

    BREAKING: Monmouth (A+) has Clinton up 12 in the 4-way!

    Currently, 50% of likely voters support Clinton and 38% back Trump, with 5% supporting Libertarian Gary Johnson and 2% backing Jill Stein of the Green Party. Clinton held a much slimmer 46% to 42% lead just three weeks ago.

    The vote choice among all registered voters is 47% Clinton and 38% Trump. Clinton has a larger likely voter lead because only 5% of her potential supporters are considered unlikely to vote while twice as many possible Trump voters (10%) are unlikely to cast a ballot next month. This marks a change from Monmouth’s prior poll when 10% of registered voters supporting Clinton and 7% of registered voters supporting Trump were deemed unlikely to cast ballots.

    “Clinton has increased her lead among all registered voters, but the main difference between this month and last month is that her supporters have become more enthusiastic, and thus more likely to turn out while Trump backers have become less likely to vote,” said Patrick Murray, director of the independent Monmouth University Polling Institute.

    • Joe Beese
    • mackafritz

      Rigged. This is obviously a rigged poll.

      • Joe Beese

        Notice Monmouth University’s close proximity to this taco restaurant.

        Do I need to spell it out for you?

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/32452e3a34b0cfb96d67d7c023bd92b900c5e7571afdb9c9fb28a8aea07423f6.png

        • Arolpin

          O M G! A location in NJ, by the shore, is MORE than 1 mile from a Surf Taco? How did this happen? We must elect Hillary so that our Monmouth County Brethren won’t be in danger of TDS (Taco Deficiency System). Get a couple taco trucks to Monmouth U, STAT! And send a Rutgers grease truck too, because sometimes you want a FatCat *and* a taco.

    • limberrat

      The scandals on him are starting to wear and his lack of contrition is wearing on the more Christian members of his alleged base. His conspiracy theories sure as hell aren’t helping fire up the members that aren’t part of the alt-right.

      • malsperanza

        Plus his tendency to use rallies to complain about Alec Baldwin and ladies who lie instead of telling people about jobs and such. It gets boring when you’ve been standing for an hour waiting for him to show up.

        • limberrat

          Seriously, I have watched a few speeches and there has been a literal dead space between the speakers and him extending out btwn 30 mins to an hour. If I showed up at a rally that was that disorganized I would leave!

    • malsperanza

      538’s NowCast (which is useless but fun) has Turnip in single digits today.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Not entirely useless – I use it to get a lift when the meth won’t work anymore.

    • PubOption
    • anwisok

      Well, of course Hillary’s people ar enthusiastic. We know she’s going to win, and winning feels GOOD!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Not only is Donnie going to lose to a girl, but it appears that it’s going to be a major beatdown. Poor baby.

    • bubbuhh

      Donald(He don’t mind if we call him Donald, right?) gets the bigly beat down. The best!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    We’re through the looking glass here, people. When ALASKA is going blue, a fucking wave is coming.

    • kev

      SUE FUCKING NOMMY! I think that’s Latin for something I heard in law school.

      • Snark Tank of Deplorables

        I dated Sue back in high school. Her middle name was more ironic than truthful, unfortunately.

        • OddMan

          I still see Sue around, we don’t talk, but she does wave.

          I’ll go now.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            She made a big splash out here on the west coast.

        • Arolpin

          Yeah, but her surname hints at an appetite. (NOM NOM!)

        • kev

          pics or gtfo.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Calling dibs on Sue Nommy as a drag name.

    • nightmoth

      If Georgia goes blue, there’s climate change in Hell. A girl can hope.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Here’s my favorite part of the whole deal: At the beginning of this insane election season, the major party candidate with the highest negatives in history – Hillary Rodham Clinton.

  • edith prickly

    I am in grave danger of actually splitting a gut from laughing at Drumpf’s Trail of Fail.

    • mackafritz

      Let’s hope he does collateral damage along the way.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        We get enough discouraged R’s, and both houses are ours.

        Keep it up, Donald! Take down all those Republican congresscritters, just like your sworn enemy Paul Ryan is worried about.

  • TheGrandWaz00
    • Boscoe

      But where’s the part where her dad loads it for her?

  • Mavenmaven

    We’ll hear from Trump plenty after the election, just like we do from all the other racist losers who get to “comment” on the 24 hr politics news cycle.

  • PimentacoTX

    “t’s starting to look like she will beat Trump so hard on his ass that we might never hear from him again

    not bloody likely

    • TJ Barke

      Especially if this TV network business gets off the ground.

      • mancityfooty

        Most things with the Trump name on it fail bigley, so….

      • Arolpin

        On the up-side, maybe there will be a rider to the ‘bring your own cable box’ bill that FORCES your cable provider to allow you to block any given channel. Not put a password on that you have to enter to select, remove it from my lineup. I don’t want to see it in my listings, I don’t want to even KNOW that there is a Shitgibbon channel, (until I lose my moral compass and start running scammy scams, then I’ll advertise solely on ShitgibbonTV).

  • Scooby

    We hate Trump because he’s an asshole in Utah they hate him because he’s not a big enough asshole. They love Ted Cruz here.

    • mackafritz

      A different species of asshole.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Yes. Say what you want about your typical Mormon voter, but they are generally a clean, sober and respectful lot. Everything that Donald is outwardly not. A few of their core values are truly screwed up, but you can say that about any true believers, to varying degrees.

        • NationalGalleryofClipArt

          Also: Mountain Meadows was the Ground Zero of its day.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    I done voted on Friday in the great swinging state of Wisconsin. Even though my governor has tried to eliminate all voting by likely demoncrats. But I’m not in the “inner city” cough cough dog whistle. And fuck you little Scotty . Molotov!

    • Sean McLaren

      I’m voting soon in the usually not a swing state of montana, but this go round my vote might actually count

      • malsperanza

        Even in a red state, a vote is useful. Never let them think you’re not there.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          That’s right. If they think they have 95% of the state on their side, they’ll try to get away with all kinds of shit. If it’s more like 55%, they’ll know they’re being watched.

    • Scooby

      I fooled them. I wore a red, white and blue cowboy hat. They didn’t even ask me for ID!

  • malsperanza

    I’m really glad to see Clinton bringing change to Arizona, Georgia, Alaska. But everyone, please remember that the race will tighten in the last week. Do not panic. We will be ok. But the race always tightens.

    Also, everyone do what you can for the SENATE: North Carolina, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Nevada, Indiana. Looking optimistic but we are not there yet. If you’re in one of those states, make calls for your Senate candidates!

    • mackafritz

      In a normal election maybe. This is anything but a normal election. Who knows what the hell Trump will do in the last week. They’ll be churning out papers for years over this thing.

      • malsperanza

        Even so. Even so. My guess is that whatever happens in the debate on Weds. it will not be seen as a Hillary blow-out. Chis Wallace will throw softballs to Turnip and hammer relentlessly about emails at Clinton.

        By the last weekend, the red states will be locked, even if the margin in places like Georgia is historically narrow.

        • mackafritz

          Yes. The bar is set so low for the Turnip that just managing to survive without a complete breakdown will be seen as at least a tie. Never mind actually answering any questions or go without lying.

      • crisptickle

        even pussygate hasn’t really hurt ?in the polls.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Lesson of 2016…
    You never go full Trump.

  • limberrat
    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Even with Corey Lewandowski on CNN’s payroll?

    • Joe Beese

      At his next rally…

      Trump: CNN…
      Crowd: [boos. chants “CNN Sucks!”]
      Trump: … has me up 4 in Ohio!
      Crowd: [cheers]

  • Allen Jordan

    Arizona, Alaska, maybe Georgia. I really don’t care if they vote for Clinton. I just want them to not vote for Trump.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    He can bounce back if he would only explain to them that he doesn’t assault ugly women. I would advise him to use all his advertising money to make that case between now and the election. And then maybe an infomercial about airline seats in the 1980s.

    • Maybe he can make a video ad about how women back then aren’t like women today. Women today are more squishy and politically correct. Women back then stayed in the kitchen and let random men grab them by their short hairs. Women today are more ugly. Women back then were all gorgeous (excepting Ms. Piggy). Women today are too old. Women back then were just young enough to not be statutory.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      As mentioned elsewhere in these non-existent comments, an ad that explains the downward trajectory of Alec Baldwin’s career is sure to help Trump. Especially if he also trashes McCain and Paul Ryan and that guy in the Ohio GOP.

  • ahh_2_2

    Here’s a depressing thought. Even if the polls are right and Trump does get his clock cleaned, he’ll still win more states than either Walter Mondale or Michael Dukakis.

    • JHan

      That puts it in depressing perspective. I think this election is a lesson for both parties.

    • JHan

      As someone who is more moderate and would vote republican if I could, I can’t because of the bat sh*t crazy religious nut jobs on the right now overtaken by the minions worshiping a batsh*t crazy orange overlord.

      • malsperanza

        That’s ok, you’re voting for a centrist with a moderate fiscal policy.

  • cousin itt

    First, Alaska then, Hillary’s coming for you Vladimir.

  • Msgr_Trump_has_killed_satire

    Not good enough. I want the full Goldwatergasm.

  • Joe Beese

    “I think he’s going to lose Arizona,” said Matthew Benson, a Republican state operative and former senior aide to Gov. Jan Brewer. “Barring something unforeseen, Trump is going to lose Arizona, and you’re still not seeing the type of activity you’d expect to see if he expects to save it.”…

    The campaign has not put up any broadcast TV or radio spots in Arizona, and it has committed just $15,000 for mailers for the remainder of this month and $7,000 for the final week of the campaign.

    Asked if more funds directly from the campaign and the RNC are wanted and if they have been requested, a state GOP party official told NBC News: “Of course.”

    “We’ll take anything,” the official said.

    http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/donald-trump-risk-losing-arizona-state-officials-say-n667281?cid=sm_tw

    • eddi

      But they settled for Trump. Payback’s a female dog right guys?

    • theblackdog

      I’m sure Arapaio and his cronies in the Sheriff’s dept are more than happy to “watch the polls” for them.

  • Sean McLaren

    Wow, guess Trump really did have a 50 state strategy…

    • eddi

      “Yes.. NO!” – Preibus

    • JHan

      LMAO

  • TJ Barke

    Smart pick with Der Trumpenfuhrer, GOPtards, he’s losing you reliably red states.

  • eddi

    Utah will probably go for McMullin as a favorite son candidate. He better enjoy it because he is off the map elsewhere.

    • Sister Artemis

      He should be able to parlay that into some power within Utah, and probably up into Idaho.

      • eddi

        Idaho is as solid for Trump as Oregon is for Clinton. We kinda balance each other. Then the Democrat gets a net 3 Electoral votes.

        • Sister Artemis

          I was thinking more about state and congressional power in the future – I think you are right, Idaho is a solid Trump state

          • exinkwretch

            Solidly in a psychotic state, also.

          • eddi

            Idaho will stay Republican until the party collapses or the Sun cools. Whichever comes first.

          • NationalGalleryofClipArt

            Helen Chenoweth’s Church of the Unmarked Helicopter displaced Jos. Smith’s Church of Latter-day Saints as the Gen State’s religiob c. 1995.

    • Joe Beese

      I haven’t seen any signs or advertising for him in Salt Lake City.

      OTOH, Gary Johnson’s dry-drunk mug was a frequent billboard sight on I-15.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Just heard McMullin on NPR – if he doesn’t shave off Republican votes, I don’t know who will….

    • limberrat

      A ton of Evangelicals I went to HS with are looking at him as an option. As long as it siphons votes from Trump, that’s all that matters.

      • Toomush_Infer

        He also said the the only voting conspiracy was between The Russians and Donald Trump, trying to provide foreign influence into our elective process…

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I think he’s got a fighting chance if more UT voters become aware he exists. Good solid Mormon ex-military decent human being who does’t go around bragging about pussy grabbing. And there’s still too much Mormon bias against women in general to get over the hump for Hillary.

    • beingreleased

      He isn’t on the ballot in MD, but he is an official write-in candidate. So he’s got that going for him.

  • azeyote

    not satisfied, she wants all the states now – see how mean she is – poor donald everyone is against him – well it can only be a conspiracy if everyone is in on it –

    • mackafritz

      He can have Kansas and Alabama.

      • BeachBum

        And Oklahoma. But quick before it crashes apart.

    • Toomush_Infer

      She’s going after him like a bitch!….

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Like a boss.

    • Malaclypse

      I keep looking at the electorial maps, trying to find some route (likely through Kansas and Missouri?) that can cut a blue swath from coast to coast.

      • Arolpin

        I think if we win that one district in NE we can count it.

  • Truly Madly Derply

    BITCH THAT TRUMP

  • fawkedifiknow

    The Democratic Party did something like this back in 1972. However, McGovern was a much more standard and mainstream candidate than Trump would ever hope to be. Nevertheless, We ( and I include myself) basically took over the party and forced through a candidate who simply wasn’t going to win. The Democrats had to basically shunt the far left aside in order to start winning elections again. It will probably take another election or two to get the message through to the idiots on the right.

  • goonemeritus

    As goes Alaska so goes Alaska.

    • lucidamente

      I thought it was Kamchatka.

      • goonemeritus

        Pretty much the same place.

        • Historicat

          No, I’m pretty sure you get more armies for one of them than the other.

          We’re talking Risk strategy here, right?

          • goonemeritus

            By the way if we form an alliance against you know who I think it will work out great for everybody.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    They surveyed 500 Alaska voters? So, basically, Alaska has already voted then.

    • Truly Madly Derply

      Bravo.

  • James S. Heck

    The CIA Obtained It Right Once again. This Is the Certain Verification …

    https://web.facebook.com/americanpost.I/app/137541772984354/

    This is The CIA’s many stunning declaration however,

    However the mainstream media really isn’t pointing out a word concerning it!

    Just what are they actually attempting to cover up?

    I’m delivering this to all my close friends, family members as well as patriot siblings …

    As swiftly as I could …Considering that this’s the ONLY video I have actually found that shows the “October Unpleasant surprise” nobody is actually talking about …

    This is actually greater and much more risky compared to ISIS could possess ever before come to be.

    And also that’s visited YOUR neighborhood …

    TECHNIQUE a lot faster in comparison to you presume.P.S. A few of America’s richest are already spending hundreds of lots of bucks to get ready for this …

    And when you watch this discussion you’ll recognize why.

    • Truly Madly Derply

      Henghgh?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Just say, “пойдите имейте секс с собой, spammer!”

    • Dasvidanya, Comrade.

    • Bad Granny

      What the actual fuck?

      • FauxAntocles

        New version of spam?

        • Bad Granny

          Sprm? Specially processed Russian mindlessness.

          • Malaclypse

            спам спам спам спам спам спам спам спам

    • TJ Barke

      “The CIA Obtained It Right Once again”
      This bizarre phrasing gives away that you’re not American FYI.

      • Joe Beese

        If you watch The Americans, you know that they used to take more pride in the quality of their work.

      • James Christopher Owen

        Smells like Google Translate. Is Putin so broke he can’t afford translators or English-speaking turncoats?

    • Marceline

      Can we get the banhammer on this crackpot please?

    • ViveLaRes

      Stolichnaya, comrade.

    • Raan

      Dafuq did I just read?

      • Raan

        HUNDREDS OF LOTS OF BUCKS

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          WORK AT HOME. NO PANTS REQUIRED

          • mancityfooty

            sign me right up

    • Joe Beese

      Do you know of any hot women in my area who want to meet me?

      • BeachBum

        Vie Yas, Ve know ALL hot and glorious vimmins and no counter-revolutionaries. Garanteed ! But do need CC number.

        • Snark Tank of Deplorables

          I is a old, so I remember this commercial…

          https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Va_IIOKYl6M/hqdefault.jpg

          • jmk

            On occasion, I still chant “dayvear… evening vear… svimvear…” and the offspring looks at me like I’m nuts.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            I say “veddy nice” in that droning voice and nobody knows why I do it.

          • jmk

            I also cannot be trusted not to sashay when holding a flashlight… and nobody understands.

            This is why I love the Wonketariat.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            And a beach ball!!! The beach ball one is the best!!!

          • jmk

            Svimvear… veddy niiiice.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            So fabulous. The woman clomping around and striking a pose. God bless her.

          • Snark Tank of Deplorables

            “Very nice….”

          • Cindyinencinitas

            That is one of my absolute favoritest commercials of ever.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Just remember that the mainstream media is fed by many tributary medias in a mediashed ecosystem that can span hundreds of square miles. Think about it.

    • BeachBum

      Strong like bull !

      • Joe Beese

        In Russia, bull horn grabs you!

        • UNIT Leftenant Anna

          In Russia, Rat fucks you!

          • Mehmeisterjr

            In America, large orange Rat fucks you. What a country!

          • UNIT Leftenant Anna

            Damn right.

          • mtn_philosoph

            In Trumputin’s America, voting rigs you! What a calumny!

      • jmk

        Smart like tractor!!

    • Joe Beese

      это пиздец

      • James Christopher Owen

        Why am I the only communist in this place who cannot speak Russian?!

    • mancityfooty

      Last time it was the April surprise or the April shocker.
      Now it’s just an unpleasant surprise? Like finding out that wasn’t a raisin in your cookie?

      • Joe Beese

        Like McDonald’s not putting the barbecue sauce cup in the takeout bag with my McNuggets despite my clearly asking for it over the drive-through speaker.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I’m not clicking through to your Facebook because I don’t need a bunch of ex-KGB in my “people you may know.”

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      I’m truly touched that you’d share this cuppapaste twice to us, your close friends and/or patriot siblings.

      • Sister Artemis

        Which ones are we again?

        • Malaclypse

          patriot siblings OBVs.

          I know I’ll be spending hundreds of lots of bucks on *something*

        • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

          Um, AOTK?

    • Toomush_Infer

      0 votes – and you’re not likely to get any more here, either…

    • Shibusa
    • AngryKatie

      Sorry, no. October Unpleasant Surprise is a Jello salad with lime jello, candy corn, canned corn, carrots, and tiny marshmallows.

      • Sister Artemis

        Pics or GTFO

        • AngryKatie

          It’s terrifying that I so easily found something so close to that.
          https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/06b4433585b9e87a7cd96c780433b292381df92fca70143c676db2450665f2b5.jpg

          • Sister Artemis

            Needz moar candy-corn

            I have a pal who cooks for a living, and he LURVES posting these kinds of things, usually complete with the recipe, on facecrack. I lurve it too. For your viewing …er… pleasure:
            http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hq4lPR–byk/Tf1YFl3N9xI/AAAAAAAAB4o/r_2HqE1IBQQ/s1600/jello-salad.jpg

          • AngryKatie

            Ack! I’m sure it’s a fruit or something, but that looks like olives, celery, and butter pats.

            I have a friend that collects those old recipe cards for pretty much the same reason.

          • Sister Artemis

            Nope, pretty sure that one’s fruit-free and yes those are olives, and I think sliced cheese.
            *sigh*

          • DT

            Those are definitely sliced Spanish olives. Or green olives.

          • Be Gin

            Six! Delicious! Flavors!

          • Cindyinencinitas

            Gross! Is that cheese? And pimento olives? Somebody needs to be relieved of their cordon bleu.

          • Sister Artemis

            I’m pretty sure someone who makes Jello recipes with pimento olives and some kind of no-doubt processed cheese wouldn’t know the cordon bleu if fell onto their plate.

          • Gregory Brown

            It’s called chef sarcasm. That’s from 50 years ago.

          • Gregory Brown

            The 1950s saw the apotheosis of Jell-O salads. They would stick ANYTHING in that neon colored crap.

          • mtn_philosoph

            Judging from that ad, it looks like Now’s the time for some JELL-0-molded Cheez-Its, pale green shrimp, sliced eyeballs and ripped-out lips!

            Don’t let a week go by without slashing someone !

          • Walter Wellstone

            That’s nasty.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            Looks like it done been et.

          • NationalGalleryofClipArt

            Mormon Thanksgiving Dessert Buffet.

          • mtn_philosoph

            Molded corn relish! YUM!

      • Teto85

        Please, I just had lunch.

    • UNIT Leftenant Anna

      Isn’t this admitting to sedition?

      • mackafritz

        He’s just telling Hillary that she can’t work with these clowns.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          Bwahaha. She may not have to, fuckstick Yertle.

        • Blank Ron, Avenger of Ponies

          Like she doesn’t already know.

      • Nounverb911
      • cmb

        It’s admitting he’s unqualified and/or unwilling to fulfill an oath to uphold the Constitution.

        • UNIT Leftenant Anna

          Yes. This is just…GRRRR

      • Sister Artemis

        Is it possible to file a lawsuit of some kind against the GOP leadership in congress, for failing to uphold their duties? Probably not… but I keep wishing we could MAKE THEM DO THEIR FRICKIN’ JOBS and stop sacrificing the running of this country on the alter of their partisan hissy fit.

        • UNIT Leftenant Anna

          I’m 1000% agreed to that.

          I shake my head that Republican voters seem to believe this kind of garbage is leadership and integrity.

    • So they’re just going to leave the court short forever?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Because Will of the People, obvs.

    • Astraea

      oops I didn’t see this before I posted the same thing. Fuck them all. They want to destroy everything when they can’t get their way, like fucking children. They don’t care about the Constitution or our country.

    • Shibusa
      • mancityfooty

        the true face of constipation

    • Whale Chowder

      I’m guessing they’ll change their tune when more split decisions uphold the lower courts.

      Ahh, who am I kidding, the only thing that will change this deal is if the Dems take over the Senate. Which 538 now has at a 60% chance, yay!

  • goonemeritus

    Just so you know Alaska this doesn’t make up for Palin.

  • UNIT Leftenant Anna

    OT – I’m starting to get Mom’s mail at this address again. My sister switched the address without telling me back in April, switched it back without telling me in October.

    But – this means I’m free. The abusers are gone. My home is *mine*, and I am safe at last. :)

    • Cindyinencinitas

      Holy shit, girl. You’ve been through quite a bit there. Take it easy and breathe!

      • UNIT Leftenant Anna

        It’s getting better, and thank you.

        Today was a good day to breathe. :)

  • Crank Tango

    And the conspiracy keeps getting bigglier and bigglier.

  • Joe Beese

    I would have though that after 8 years of Obama the gun folk had already been pushed to maximum levels of fear buying. Guess not.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a142069659129f194bd7d737753d599cc7cecfb3452d83b9a27327d4ede2887c.png

    • mackafritz

      There is no such thing as too many guns for these rubes. I guess they have a lot of disposable income.

    • TJ Barke

      And they’re too stupid to figure out how they’re being fleeced.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      What else are they going to spend their money on? Education and travel?

      • Shibusa

        Dental care? Philanthropy? Streisand albums?

      • Duke

        Local, organic veggies.

      • Joe Beese

        That would explain why my “Art Treasures of Venice” tour tickets haven’t been selling in Alabama.

        • mancityfooty

          Now why in the hell would I want to go all the way to California?

          • Markuserektus

            The graffiti is awesome?

          • Oblios_Cap

            It’s in Florida, dummy.

          • mancityfooty

            Wait, there’s two of ’em?

          • Oblios_Cap

            And ours has a beach!

    • Toomush_Infer

      Hey, this worked so great for them when Obama was elected – better than buying gold!…

    • Duke

      There was a survey recently that showed half of all firearms are owned by just 3% of the population. Those are the fear-driven nitwits.

      Here’s a linky from The Liberal Media now!

      http://time.com/4499088/guns-us-super-owners-report/

    • bubbuhh

      Well, 3% of the nation owns 50% of its guns. That ackshully leaves a lot of room for additional RWNJ buying.

  • tihond

    This is truly the deadliest catch.

  • lucidamente

    Well, a President Trump would probably return Alaska to Russia as a birthday present to Putin, so there’s that.

  • Astraea

    OT Republicans: Government doesn’t work. Just look what happens when you elect us!

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/mccain-republicans-will-remain-united-against-clinton-supreme-court-nominee

    “I promise you that we will be united against any Supreme Court nominee that Hillary Clinton, if she were president, would put up,” McCain said on WPHT Philadelphia radio in an interview first flagged by CNN. “I promise you. This is where we need the majority.”

    • Marceline

      So clearly they haven’t learned anything from the garbage fire their party has become.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Mitch McConnell- History’s Butt Plug….( I know we were talking about McCain, but he just has a hinge up his ass…)

      • georgiaburning

        They’re nose blind- they think they need to pile on more garbage

    • mackafritz

      Polls plus on 538:
      Dems 71.6% to win senate.
      FSM please make this happen.

      • Astraea

        RIght? And please let the Dems take advantage of it so people might actually show up at the midterms.

        • Joe Beese

          It won’t be a filibuster proof majority. And they’ll be too chickenshit to use the nuclear option.

          • Arolpin

            I actually think that the nuclear option will be written up, vetted, published, and just waiting on a vote. As soon as there is the first bit of obstruction, out comes the old nuclear option, fuck you ReThugs, thank you Justice Obama.

    • Ryan Denniston

      You know who else dispensed with a gridlocked legislature?

    • Blacktop Cadence

      Has anyone told that fossil that he died a few years ago yet?

    • Vincent Ricola

      13% approval ratings for congress confirm that the shitty GOP plan to block everyone and everything is working!

      • AngryKatie

        They’re confident they can get it down to a single digit if they REALLY work at it.

    • AngryKatie

      The GOP needs to be cleansed of these evil humors.

      If 538’s projections are accurate, they will be. Unfortunately, Walnuts still appears to be safe.

  • Callyson

    In Texas, Hillary is running this ad right now, for a whole week

    http://33.media.tumblr.com/5ec945170533b29b543c774b139b477e/tumblr_mpscaf11Gh1rsin77o10_r1_500.gif

  • Nounverb911

    OT
    Look who’s looking for tapes now.

    https://twitter.com/PageSix/status/788081341929820161

  • Callyson

    Won’t that make you feel joy in your heart? THEN GO VOTE, in Jesus’s name, Amen.

    I will, but first I have to figure out how I’l vote on a plethora of initiatives. FFS, couldn’t some of these have waited until 2018?

    • limberrat

      I am still stuck reading that 222 page book of bullshit!

    • UNIT Leftenant Anna

      My ballot will have loads of “Shall taxes be raised” stuffs, most of which are good ideas, but there are so many, I think most people will just go “Auto No” on them all.

    • georgiaburning

      Only good thing about that is the house in my old neighborhood that had the “Trump/Pence” sign gave it up and now has signs for/against local ballot measures

    • limberrat

      Of course I am also still trying to figure out LA County’s Measure A and what that entails!

      • Callyson

        Oh, for fuck’s sake, I’m still trying to make my way through the statewide initiatives: you mean there are local ones as well? Fuck my free time with a chainsaw of votes FFS…

        • limberrat

          Yeah, we have A & M. M is a bond measure to help with transportation projects and A is supposedly replacing an existing property tax for parks that expires in the next couple years.

    • OddMan

      I know, we have two different initiatives, TWO, on the use of fucking plastic bags.

    • Shibusa

      Am I the only one getting a truly annoying pop-up for ‘Found: Jesus’s Lost Words’? Lord, save me from your pop-up banners!

      • Jamoche

        Adblock and/or ad-fewer, it’s the only way to go.

        • Rags

          Except subscribing for ad-free Wonkette, of course!

          • Jamoche

            That’s the ad-fewer option :)

          • Rags

            but it’s so fewer that you could swear your page showed nothing but snark and daisies!

    • Raan

      Here on Florida’s gulf coast, we’ve got four constitutional amendments (one on medical marijuana, one on tax exemptions for disabled first responders, one on how property value is determined for Homestead exemptions for the elderly, and one solar energy one that’s pretty sketchy), six county charter amendments, and a referendum on property tax money for the schools.

    • Jamoche

      I measured my ballot – it’s 4 feet long. Sheesh. I’m particularly impressed by the pair that are contradictory – yes, we can vote to get rid of the death penalty *and* expedite it.

      Then there’s Sunnyvale’s Measure M, which would mean any sale or leasing of public property would require a public vote. More shit on the ballot? Hell no! What is it with Cali politicians wanting to hand off their jobs, anyway? I voted for these idiots so they could sit in city council meetings, listen to use cases and environmental impact studies, and then make a fucking decision.

  • bubbuhh

    Anyone else get the idea that the GOPee hopes that the Demoncrats win at least the Sneate so the GOPee can claim they had nothing to do with the things the Dems will do? Like seat some useful judges in addition to a couple of Supremes?

  • Constant Gardener

    I am headed down to the courthouse in Phoenix right now, to vote for, soon to be crowned Queen of all Sonoran poblano chile festivals, Hillz McGhazi! In which will I delight more, voting for Clinton, against McCain or for legal weed?

    • UNIT Leftenant Anna

      XD Tough choice, so the obligatory

      AOT, K. Have fun! )

    • Sister Artemis

      I don’t know, but it certainly calls for champagne!

      • jqheywood

        Or tequila, your choice!

    • Cindyinencinitas

      An embarrassment of riches…

  • Nounverb911

    OT
    Mike Pence has a prediction for the next debate.

    https://twitter.com/politico/status/788059946516615168

    • Joe Beese

      Trump has an exciting new proposal about renewable energy credits?

    • limberrat

      Trump is going to drop his pants and show his ass to the moderator?

    • Toomush_Infer

      He beat her hands down? Ooh, grabby!….

    • boyblue122

      Viewership numbers were down in the 2nd debate. Im wondering who is going to be watching debate #3 after that depressing 2nd debate

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Spoiler alert: At the end it’s revealed that Trump’s campaign was dead the whole time!

  • Joe Beese

    The polls may look bad for Trump now. But once Matt Drudge publishes the explosive revelation that Hillary is a Total Lesbian, all the people supporting her now will switch their votes to Trump. (All the ones who haven’t voted early, that is.)

    Anyway, that’s the plan.

    • bubbuhh

      Gee, I thought that he wuz gonna swear that he had a mad affair with her to shore up his hetero credibility.

  • The more Trump screams about the “rigged” media, the more money I’m willing to bet the Trump Network will be a thing before it, too, crashes also.

    • CW

      Look what a powerhouse Glenn Beck TV turned out to be…

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Even Oprah’s network has been unimpressive.

    • boyblue122

      I dont see Trump TV lasting more than a year if it gets off the ground. Trump has failed at way too many business ventures

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Yeah but this time he has Russian government backing, which should keep him afloat as long as he proves himself useful.

        • eddi

          Putin already has a US channel. He doesn’t need Trump’s ‘help’. This is going to be more a routine pillage and burn for The Donald.

        • cat cafe

          They don’t back him. They want to control him. They already do.

    • TJ Barke

      Like Palin TV.

      • cat cafe

        Exactly. He thinks “The Apprentice” was because of his own brilliance, as opposed to the skills of a highly experienced reality show producer with the full support of the powerhouse NBC/Universal. He thinks he has even the slightest ability to produce and create TV shows, with only a slimy propagandist and a grifting nutjob with a website as partners, and that he can somehow take on Fox News and Rupert Murdoch. To begin with, who’d work for him? Chachi?

    • malsperanza

      The “rigged” thing seems to be landing with voters–at least some voters. But I wonder if it will just make more of his people stay home.

      • eddi

        That is what has the whole RNC establishment downing Maalox by the bottle.

        • Kavefish

          See? We were all so focused on popcorn and alcohol futures that we totally ignored the Maalox opportunity.

      • Shibusa

        He picks a word, spews it on twitter and on tv, and his followers immediately begin to parrot it. See also: Crooked Hillary, Lyin’ Ted, Little Marco….

        • cat cafe

          Not so much followers as “paid operatives,” though. And the gullible dupes, but they never get anywhere in life anyway, otherwise they wouldn’t be such gullible assholes.

  • Nounverb911
  • WeaselPoo

    So obviously Trump is BAD AT ALL THE THINGS including being very bad at comprehending his thing-badness which is everyone else’s fault, BUT or ALSO TOO, what is going to be as fun as him getting bigly beaten by a grrrl is what is going to happen to his “brand”, which he has fantasized as being worth up to $10 billion but which reasonable financial types have estimated at a more likely $3 billion at best.

    His business model until the early 2000’s was using other people’s money, getting paid as consultant to himself as a CEO or Chairman, siphoning profit first and then screwing over investors and suppliers.

    But since “The Apprentice” his primary business has been in selling his name and supposed reputation as a success. Well what’s Trump’s reputation now? Who the hell is going to use his name on anything? And given the way he’s acted and responded during this campaign, he clearly still has no idea how devalued he is becoming.

    And THEN he’s going to lose yoougely to a grandma, and he’s going to be professionall worth jack shit.

    • Astraea

      Beaten by a girl and largely becuase of women in general, it looks like. I was just about to pos this:
      http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/men-are-treating-2016-as-a-normal-election-women-arent/

      We could be looking at the largest gender gap in a presidential election since at least 1952: Men are favoring the Republican nominee, Donald Trump, in typical numbers, but a historically overwhelming share of women say they will vote for the Democrat, Hillary Clinton.

      http://i1.wp.com/espnfivethirtyeight.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/enten-gendergap-1.png?quality=90&strip=all&w=575&ssl=1

    • Jennaratrix

      He needs to go down in ignominious flames and then fucking disappear from my worldview forever. I don’t want his brand “devalued,” I want his brand DEAD. GONE. THIS BRAND IS NO MORE. I don’t want his nasty-ass ties to show up in the bargain bin at Building 19 and 1/2 or Big Lots! or the Dollar Store, and I want him to take Ivanka’s shit down with him. I want Trump to be a new cuss word, as in “Man, did you see that fight? That asshole got TRUMPED in the ASS. And not even with votes!” I want Trump to be the leftover sour taste in everyone’s mouth that we can’t quite remember WHY it leaves a bad taste in our mouths because we’ve so thoroughly forgotten about this shitty period in American history.

      Who do we know who can arrange such things?

      • Jamoche

        Us. It’ll have to be a collective effort.

        • Jennaratrix

          I’m in. Who’s with me?

      • cat cafe

        His brand should be PINING FOR THE FJORDS.

        • Jennaratrix

          YES! I’m glad someone caught the reference. I expected no less.

      • WeaselPoo

        Why, we know lots of people who can arrange such things—anyone who who has a ‘brane’ and an internet connection. Just work ‘Trump’ into as many on-line conversations as we can, and then Merriam -Webster will have to take note and revise their dictionary, thusly:

        Well THAT movie was ‘Trumptacular’ !
        SNATU; Situatiation Normal, All Trumped Up
        TUBAR: Trumped-Up Beyond All Recognition
        You can’t polish a Trump

    • Rags
      • Cindyinencinitas

        He could put his name on erasers, I guess.

  • Blacktop Cadence

    So, I may be giving the lady who cuts my hair a call soonish, but since this thread slowed down I am calling on the ladies on Wonkette once again.

    I’ve got nice, thick brown hair and getting it cut is heavily dysphoric for me. So, what I want to do is go for something approaching a chin length modern shag (what it’s called on women), butt more practically, something like what Jon Snow on GOT sported before the man bun.

    What I want to know is do you think this could look teacher professional on a guy, or am I stuck with my short hair?

    • malsperanza
      • Blacktop Cadence

        My hair is a little thicker, but yeah. Chin length, long, and shaggy. I realize layers are probably going to be involved.

        • malsperanza

          Should be nice. But lose the beard and battleaxe.

          • Blacktop Cadence

            Haha, beard also gives me dysphoria.

          • malsperanza

            Dysphoria … isn’t that the name of Turnip’s next wife?

          • Ricky Gay

            Dysentery

          • Shibusa
          • Cindyinencinitas

            I’ll take that one, please.

          • Astraea

            Maybe keep the battleaxe until the election is well over.

          • cat cafe

            What do you mean? The battleaxe is going to win! Haha I’m here all night folks, try the veal.

    • UNIT Leftenant Anna

      Is your hair curly like that, Hun?

      Could you get it a little longer and tie it in back for work?

      • Blacktop Cadence

        Yup. If it gets any longer than it currently is it curls. Currently it’s just about to reach my ears and my eyebrows.

        • UNIT Leftenant Anna

          It’s a cute look, since it appeals, I say go for it. :)

          I mean, you know I’m fond of short hair-dos for woman, but I don’t want it to be a Dysphoria trigger for you.

          If you were forced to go short, I’d say super short, like Miley Cyrus:

          https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4110eae05070aef5bb80c239770dcc7b3f4c10143af319ae0afbe77f4b95aa2c.jpg

          But again, only if you had to. I think the Jon Snow look will rock. :)

          • Blacktop Cadence

            Haha, well, I have to hide my 1950s style square head too. :-D

          • UNIT Leftenant Anna

            :)

            I think the JS look will rock. Just a thought, have you ever had highlights done?

            I’m thinking just a tone, not wild, but something to add a little conrast to your brown hair.

          • Blacktop Cadence

            Nope, but I’m not risking that yet. I’m going for shaggy guy for now. :-D If I did highlights I’m pretty sure the people I know who I’m not out to would know something’s up.

          • UNIT Leftenant Anna

            I totally understand. :)

            That’s one advantage of being on disability – I’ve never had to care about that.

            I love the Blonde cut you showed, it’ll look just as cute Brunette.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            What about short sides and a Hugh Grant top?

    • Blacktop Cadence
      • UNIT Leftenant Anna

        Do it! That’s so cute. :)

    • Walter Wellstone

      Oh, you people with hair.

      • Blacktop Cadence

        Don’t hate me for my hairline. :-)

    • Jamoche

      If it’s like Eliot Spencer from Leverage – yes, it can look professional.

      • Blacktop Cadence

        Also a damn fine example.

    • BeachBum

      Depends on the baseball cap : casual or dress.

    • Bad Granny

      Grandpa is a middle manager sort who does a bit of teaching from time to time. He donated ten inches of hair to Locks of Love a few years ago. He doesn’t let his hair grow that long these days because it was a bother, but he never cuts or trims it from August to January because he plays Santa every December and feels like Santa has shaggy hair. If a chubby old dude can get away with it, you probably can too.

  • Joe Beese
    • The Wanderer

      Gee, he wasn’t worrying about ‘media rigging’ before Trump went insane, did he?

    • eddi

      So a quick trip to the woodshed and Pence is back with the program.

    • Nounverb911

      His check cleared.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Hm. So, supposed media favoritism constitutes ‘rigging’, eh? But then they use the same word for actual polling-place shenanigans. You don’t suppose they could be trying to muddy the waters, do you?

      Naw. Pfft, what was I thinkin.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Get on board, little Pencey, Get on board, little Pencey…

  • aureolaborealis

    While I would love to see this happen, I don’t think this is going to happen.
    Source: I’m in the midst of it.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      It’s fun to talk about, even if it isn’t going to happen. Like winning the lottery. Or sex.

      • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

        I just got back from my bunk. Maybe it’s your turn? http://bzfd.it/2dIPVmG

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Dang. That’s a whole lotta pretty right there.

    • Shezanid D. Ott

      LOVE the name!

    • Amalga

      I have a friend who is phone banking for Murkowski in FBX. She says she is getting more Undecideds and Clinton in her calls than Trump.

  • ViveLaRes

    21 days, 10 hours, and 16 minutes

    • Nounverb911

      22 days until it all starts again. Who will be first to announce?

      • boyblue122

        Cruz

      • Sean McLaren

        HRC?

        • Joe Beese

          It would be just like that power-hungry shrew to run again in 2020!

      • Shibusa

        Pence?

      • Joe Beese

        Whoever Jesus – who is the One who calls Republican politicians to run – is in closest contact with.

        I’m guessing Huckabee.

      • FauxAntocles

        Also, too, will fewer than 30 Rethuglicans run?

        • eddi

          I’m betting on at least 50 for openers. The debates will have to be at outdoor venues just hold the candidates.

      • DainBramage

        Sherriff David Alexander Clarke Jr.?

  • Antonin Dvorak

    In other election news, Monmouth has a new national poll:

    HRC 50, Trump 38, Johnson 5, Stein 2. 53-41 in the head to head.

    tldr; Clinton up by 12.

    http://www.monmouth.edu/...

    • boyblue122

      Good to see Johnson drop to 5 nationally down from about 9 a month ago

  • theblackdog

    Wow, I would love to see the epic brawl that takes place in the Palin household on election night if Hillary wins Alaska

  • Walter Wellstone

    Has Sarah said anything yet? Is Bristle pregnant again?

    • zeddy303

      Yeah what ever happened to that fierce Trump supporter Sarah Palin?

  • Rasilom

    You know, Moose chili is actually very good.

    • UNIT Leftenant Anna

      I’d definitely try it if I had the chance. Game meats are often really nice in chili and stews.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Moose is actually the best meat…

      • Lance Thrustwell

        When da fat melts, you got meese grease.

      • TJ Barke

        Wrong, it’s elk.

        • Toomush_Infer

          too dry…

          • TJ Barke

            Says you!

        • Arolpin

          It’s mountain lion. Seriously. Moose is ok fresh, elk is great, mountain lion and bighorn sheep would be much better if you blow bubbles with them, but mountain lion is the best game meat.

        • Rags

          Bullwinkle libelz!

    • The Witch of Endor

      Venison roast wrapped in bacon…

      • Rasilom

        That would be spectacular! If I get a deer this fall THAT is on the menu!

        • The Witch of Endor

          I either grill root veggies separately or add them to the roasting bag. Usually the latter as I am a lazy person.

    • FauxAntocles

      Gotta watch for the bite, though.

    • The Wanderer

      From the cookbook Antlers in the Treetops by Hoogoost d’Moos?

      • Arolpin

        Or as 10-year-old me said to my curly-haired uncle Afto in the Treetops by Hoogoost D’Bruce! They may have been the best joke of my childhood. I’m not a stand-up comedian, for some reason.

    • zeddy303

      It’s got a pretty good kick doncha know.

    • Arolpin

      Only for the first year. Moose meat doesn’t do as well in a freezer as other meats. And there is a LOT of meat on a moose. Which means that if you shoot one, you’ll end up eating moose for a long time. (I shot a moose as a teen, that year we still had 1/2 an elk from the previous year, a whole steer, a whole pig, about 60 chickens, about 20 turkeys, a bunch of salmon/steelhead, and various other meats. By the end of the second year we traded 50 lbs of moose meat for a couple pounds of mountain lion. You end up eating a LOT of meat when you’re pretty much growing/raising/hunting most of your food.)

      • Rasilom

        They are huge. My GF’s family gets 1 or 2 a year and share them amongst all the relatives. In fact last night we had moose stroganoff for dinner.

  • Zippy W Pinhead
    • mancityfooty

      I’ll have her know, my wrists aren’t weak.

    • Logic of Color

      Ms. Sarah, the objection was to sexual assault, not a dirty word. Why is this so difficult?

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Because all the SEX is bad!!!11!1!1!! Except the kind that men do… somehow…???

    • Walter Wellstone

      I would understand she doesn’t mind being grabbed by the pussy and, moreover, that she doesn’t mind if her daughters are either. Good to know, Sarah.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        MIND???!! Bwaaahahahahaha!

    • Astraea

      Nice dog whistle there.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        keep in mind, this was a hoax exposed by Snopes- it’s just funny because it’s so believable

        • Astraea

          Ohhhh, lol

        • Astraea

          I should have known. Too coherent.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            I just edited it to make that more clear

        • AKLynne

          I didn’t doubt it for a minute.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Huh. I know a retired mormon boxer who fought for the WBC Continental Americas super featherweight title who would very politely disagree.

    • boyblue122

      She doesnt get that the P word wasnt the most offensive part of Trump’s hot-mic conversation.

      The most offensive part was Trump bragging that he could make unwanted sexual advances because hes a huge star

      • eddi

        The Rebs are concentrating on what offends them. Words. The Dems are concentrating on what offends them. Actions.

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        Not only that, but that Trump was speaking in *past tense.* Like, stuff he’s already done before.

        They really just don’t get it.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Since this apparently was a hoax, I think they should have gone a little further: “Real men talk dirty. Real women like it.” And so forth.

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        Needs more apostrophes and word salad.

        • WIDTAP

          Needs more self-loathing!

          • Cindyinencinitas

            I don’t trust the sociological opinions of a woman who isn’t wearing a spangly bolero.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      What is it about conservatives and the strength of wrists?

    • AKLynne

      That sick bitch doesn’t speak for me or any Alaska woman I know. Guess that’s just the circles she runs around in. She is such an embarrassing idiot. Okay, I just read that it’s a hoax, but how much it sounds like “our Sarah”.

  • Msgr_Trump_has_killed_satire

    OT: Has anybody non-commented about the freefall for control of the Senate? 72% odds for Dems and climbing sharply. http://projects.fivethirtyeight.com/2016-election-forecast/senate/?ex_cid=2016-forecast

    • eddi

      Briefly here and there. If Trump loses the Senate for them Preibus will kill him. Or at least they will recreate that cat fight in Dallas.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      That’s true, but since the polls come in so infrequently that percentage jumps around a lot. Happy as I am to see it, a couple bad polls from New Hampshire and Nevada can put it back to 50%.

      • eastcoastlib

        I’m in Nevada and Cortez-Masto is finally getting some traction on the hideous Joe Heck. He’s trying to run away from Trump now but he spent the last six months backing him vocally. As Trump has nosedived here, so has Heck’s chances of replacing Harry Reid.

    • Sister Artemis

      I just looked at that this morning – WOW! I had no idea the chances were that strong.

  • Scooby

    As Christians we have to support Trump it’s just to important to take away children’s health care and make sure moochers children go to bed hungry. What that compared to sexual assault?

  • Bitter Scribe

    RIGGED! RIGGED! IT’S ALL RIGGED I TELLS YA!!!

  • TJ Barke

    OT: I didn’t know Shypixel talked all computery like that.

    • Sister Artemis

      Word on the street is he’s part robot. Shhhhhhhh!

      • James Christopher Owen

        When will our Cyborg Americans be able to live openly and without shame?

        • Cindyinencinitas

          If you prick us, do we not leak white lithium grease?

          • James Christopher Owen

            Fucking LOL!! Winner.

  • The Wanderer

    A rather enlightening and in some cases prophetic bit of video:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3gmFK-JmIE

    • UNIT Leftenant Anna

      Thanx! Added to a playlist for when I have time to watch the whole thing. :)

      • The Wanderer

        I just finished watching it, and decided that it needed to be shared.

  • Nounverb911
    • The Wanderer

      Her new line of skin softeners made from baby kittens?

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      Why is the interview being conducted in the sitting room of a funeral home?

      • Sean McLaren

        Wanna be Louis XIV is being buried (with votes) in the next room?

        • Blacktop Cadence

          Gawd, I could see Trump recreating Versailles in a gaudy, tacky way.

          • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

            Well, gaudi-er and tacki-er. The Bourbons weren’t known for their restraint.

          • eddi

            Ludwig of Bavaria beat him to it. Bigger and almost gaudier. He was ousted before he got the interior https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/46c35744a3b788f45b7b6c0235f8487d14c2049b847b6181bd18b8aaa4cfb9f2.jpg finished.

          • The Wanderer

            I’ve been there. Say what you like about the Wittelsbachs – they may have been a pack of loonies, but they how to maximize their real estate (there are signs in the woods warning people not to ride bikes or bring dogs in, so as not to frighten the deer).

          • Reddishrabbit

            Thanks Obama!!

  • Fartknocker

    While Hillary probably won’t win Texas, I know two things that will probably happen:
    1) The Legislature will continue to gerrymander and work on voter suppression
    2) Odds are good that Ken Paxton may lose his job as AG.

    My real dream is that Dan Patrick gets caught servicing a glory hole participant at a porn shop on Telephone Road in Houston. That’s pretty unlikely but this is Texas, and to quote Molly Ivins:

    As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can’t drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against ’em anyway, you don’t belong in office.

    • bubbuhh

      Odds are that Ken Paxton is headed to the hoosegow.

  • chascates

    Evan McMullin was on On Point this morning claiming if he won Utah there was a (very small) chance he could be elected President in the event no one had a majority of electoral votes, in which event the House would select one.

    Handy chart to figure out latest conspiracy.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6dcf90bc37922052b57a5299a2197f3d9370923dd44c9f5362097db84f78eae8.png

    • Sister Artemis

      If that doesn’t say “I think I’m the center of the universe” I don’t know what does

      • Jukesgrrl

        He’s currently the leading candidate for the Alexander Haig “I’m in control here” Award.

        • NationalGalleryofClipArt

          I want to see the NatGeo original “Killing Reagan”, just to see who they got to play Haig.

    • Astraea
    • I Am Helpy

      more like Evan McMuffin!!!1

      … I got nothing.

    • KnaveOfSwords

      I hadn’t seen McMullin claiming it, but it’s theoretically possible.

      If McMullin wins Utah.
      And if this is enough to prevent either Trump or Clinton from getting the 270 electoral votes needed to be president. (Odds are currently in favor of Clinton being able to get the 270 electoral votes without Utah)

      Then the presidency is decided by the House (there’s some details here that are odd), who vote among the 3 candidates with the most Electoral votes.

      Meanwhile, the Senate gets to choose the VP among the top 2 candidates.

      If McMullin has enough support there to prevent either Trump or Clinton from getting the majority (reps from Utah, and any of the NeverTrumpers who get on board), this deadlocks the vote there. If they still don’t have a winner by Inaugeration in January, the VP selected by the Senate becomes POTUS, but until then, they can keep redoing the vote until someone wins.

      If that situation arrises, the McMullin supporters in Congress can argue to the Trump supporters that switching to McMullin gets them control of the White House rather than leaving it to Kaine, or to Democrats that McMullin is a more moderate and reasonable Republican than Pence, and thus the POTUS that they’re more likely to be able to work with, potentially sweetened with other deals to whichever side they’re wooing.

      And if they succeed in getting those agreements, they could potentially swing a majority of the House for McMullin as POTUS.

      And if that happens, I think we might actually see the kind of uprisings that Fanta Muppet Hitler has been urging.

    • eastcoastlib

      Nate Silver gave this scenario legs. It’s about as likely as Trump becoming the next Pope.

      • James Christopher Owen

        I rummaged thru McMullin’s Issues section, and, while it’s not batshit crazy and a little of it is even worth hearing (expanding the EIC), much of it is warmed over movement-conservative bullshit – less regulation, explody deficits, blahblah. Get this, he wants to subject proposed and EXISTING regulations, all across the board, to a cost-benefit analysis which they must pass to be enacted/retained. “But hey!” I hear you holler. “What’s so bad about that?” Well, how would one calculate the cost savings of people NOT being sickened by bad food/drugs? How many people was that, anyway? Who will do the calculating? Based on what assumptions? Sounds fishy to me.

        • eastcoastlib

          Yeah he’s your standard Koch Brothers politician. Slogans disguised as policy. He would do what he’s told which makes him a perfect vehicle for the wingnut overlord class. But we can safely ignore him for now. He might be President of Utah but that’s as far as he can get.

          • James Christopher Owen

            “Slogans disguised as policy”. Totally stealing that! :)

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Pop Quiz:
    What state did these numbers come from?

    Trump: 40%

    Clinton: 30%

    Johnson: 10%

    Stein: 3%

    Answer: Idaho-http://idahopoliticsweekly.com/politics/1277-poll-clinton-gaining-on-trump-in-idaho

    • eddi

      ??!!

    • JHan

      Idaho lol

      • NationalGalleryofClipArt

        Ten percent is a wide… uh… berth, all things considered.

  • I Am Helpy

    His campaign missed the deadline, so he’s not in the voter guide in Alaska either.

    http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/301323-trump-campaign-left-out-of-alaska-voter-guide

    • The Wanderer

      BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

      • I Am Helpy

        Trump hires only the best. The best people. You’d be amazed at how best they are.

        • Shezanid D. Ott

          He’s got the best words, also too. Remendous, believe me. Maybe they were TOO good for the vote guide?

  • AKLynne

    I would be so thrilled if we went blue in Alaska. I’m doing my part.

    • Shezanid D. Ott

      I’m with you AKLynne. Splodey heads gonna be splodin’ over ‘Silla! Great irony here – it was Trump who actually got Lou Sarah to STFU. Doncha think she ought to be going all rogue on the Donald for shaming her so? Maybe head to New York in that stretchy hummer with the family and open a can of Wasilla Whoop*ss on those sissified millionaires?

      • Amalga

        I think she ran head on into a better grifter than she is and it shocked and awed her into silence.

  • bookish
    • jmk

      *snert*

  • whitroth

    I have friends up there in Alaska who would be *very* happy. However, if she wins, I suggest that she does *not* go visit Palinbonkers to see Russia from the front porch, since whatever it is that Palin has could be catching.

    Noting the story above this, I’m wondering if McCain caught it….

  • Alleged Land Shark
    • jmk

      I call shenanigans. Lou Sarah is way too old to be a 10 in DrumpfleWorld.

      • Alleged Land Shark

        Hasn’t stopped him before, so …..

        http://faketrumptweet.com/

        • jmk

          Thank you!! Your link is an important and necessary resource in this election year!!!!

      • Walter Wellstone

        Bristol?

  • WIDTAP

    Just for shits and giggles, let’s say Hills get Georgia, and sends her A-list surrogates to blanket Texas:

    California (55 votes)
    Texas (38 votes)
    Florida (29 votes)
    New York (29 votes)
    Illinois (20 votes)
    Pennsylvania (20 votes)
    Ohio (18 votes)
    Georgia (16 votes)
    Michigan (16 votes)
    North Carolina (15 votes)
    New Jersey (14 votes)

    Everything else is then just progressive levels of mandate

  • aureolaborealis

    As long as Joe Miller doesn’t replace Murkowski in the senate, I’ll call it a ‘win’ for Alaska. He has been called an intelligent Palin. Truly evil and dangerous. One of his political proteges is doing 26 years in the federal pen right now for planned domestic terrorism.
    I’m not a Murkowski fan, but at least she’s keeping this fucking reptile out of office.

  • Nockular cavity

    “or MAYBE Hillary is even helping Hillary!”

    How DARE she!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Inpeach!

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Self-dealing!!!11!

  • I’m a Utah non-Mormon and so many Hill signs in Park City (libruhl hippy bastion) Cannot wait to vote!!!

  • eastcoastlib

    I think she has a real shot in Texas. Hispanic voters are motivated. Women are motivated. Conservatives are dejected.

  • Walter Wellstone
    • MrCanoehead

      She’s grabbing them by the ballot box. But consensually.

  • Kavefish

    …Trump being the most disgusting manchild in U.S. America…

    :::music association neurons fire::

    “Manchild
    will you ever win?”**

    https://youtu.be/OJ9VBMBS3qE

    **the answer, obvs., NOPE!

  • Kooolest G

    weird that alaska isn’t more into trump, seeing as how it is the rape capital of the USA

  • Be Gin

    Texas is within range?

    Throw in the towel Donnie!

    If Hillary is competitive in Texas then you have screwed the pooch there.

    • James Christopher Owen

      Bigly.

  • Apple Scruff

    But what if Hillary gets a visit from Aunt Flow?

    Pennsylvania Man Wonders What Will Happen to America If Hillary Clinton Has Her Period
    http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/10/letter-to-the-editor-worries-about-hillary-clintons-period.html

    • Yay, abstinence-only sex ed!

    • eastcoastlib

      they really have no idea how that thing below a woman’s belly button works

      • zerosumgame0005

        or above it really

        • MrCanoehead

          or the belly button itself

  • Blackest Noobs

    So last week the news story was Trump was moving campaign out of Virginia.
    it actually made sense, you have a finite amount of funds, so spend it where it would do you the most good, right.

    it’s something like 80-90% probability Virginia will vote for Hillz.

    Today we find out they didn’t pull out and the Trump campaign was annoyed, the real story was they were transferring people from Va to elsewhere.

    it’s still something like 80-90% probability Virginia will vote for Hillz.

    I love it when this idiot keeps wasting time, effort, and money. Va is a lost cause for the Trumpster….but then again, he’s the Man-Child Who Cried Rigged..so not like he would ever get a fucking clue.

    • boyblue122

      The minute Hillary selected Tim Kaine as her running mate, VA was a lost cause for Trump

  • motmelere

    “Never hear from Trump again”? I thought this whole waste of time & money was to launch his media enterprise into the bankrupt hell hole that’s clogged with steaks and casino chips.

  • Hblanton

    It’s no wonder she’s winning red states…she is a republican lol

  • Panika MCD

    it hasn’t been Sarah Palin’s AK for a while. she lives in Phoenix now. but I am glad to see my buddy in Sullivan’s camp managed to win out the “Trump is terrible and dangerous” argument.

  • Teto85

    tRump is going to be so pissed when he wakes up on November 9th to find out he was beaten by a girl.
    https://static1.squarespace.com/static/530becede4b093256168fba5/t/57563735c2ea51545c6979aa/1465268035523/

  • pseudo-intellectual

    ROFL

  • disqus_qKVofJNoeH

    Alaska votes:
    hillary 92,000
    Trump 130,000

    Yes, beta-boy, LOL indeed.

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