It’s been a fortnight since we have brought you an installment in our famous Pulitzer-winning series “LOL Hillary Might Win Hilarious State Democrats Never Win” (actual Pulitzer prize pending for some reason). But that fortnight is over, because here’s why:
In a poll conducted by Lake Research Group in Alaska, Clinton and GOP candidate Donald Trump are essentially tied. Trump leads the former Secretary of State by a single percentage point, 37% to 36%. Libertarian Gary Johnson pulls seven percent and Stein tallies three points in the survey of 500 likely voters.
The poll shows a huge swing for Clinton from the same one done in August, which showed her trailing the real estate mogul by eight points.
The survey isn’t necessarily an outlier, either. A poll last week done by the Alaska Dispatch News showed Trump up by less than six points. Alaska has only voted for one Democratic presidential candidate since becoming a state in 1959.
Alaska! Sarah Palin’s house! Moose-chili! And Hillary might pull it out and become the unelected snow queen of it, with votes!
Both of Alaska’s senators, Dan Sullivan and Lisa Murkowski, have called on Donald Trump to drop out of the race, and have resigned their posts in the state’s Republican party. So maybe that’s helping Hillary, or maybe Trump being the most disgusting manchild in U.S. America is helping Hillary, or MAYBE Hillary is even helping Hillary!
So, this is very nice news about Alaska. But what about some of the OTHER states we’ve written about in our LOLZ HILLARY WINS series? We are glad you asked!
In Arizona, where the race is basically tied right now, Hillary is sending some big guns out to campaign this week, by which we mean the literally big guns of Michelle Obama. Also, Bernie Sanders (who we bet has big guns too, but we can’t be sure because he never goes sleeveless like the first lady) and Chelsea Clinton are heading that way, to campaign for their mom. As Mediaite notes, Hillary is also spending two million moneys on ads in Arizona this week.
In Texas, Hillary is running this ad right now, for a whole week. It is about how Donald Trump sucks and Texas should vote for her RIGHT NOW:
She is running that ad because she’s absolutely within striking distance in Texas, as a new poll has Trump up by only four points, which, according to Texas’s WFAA-TV, is within the margin of error. Boy howdy!
And have you even heard how bat-ass-wacky polls are right now in deep red Mormon Utah, where everybody hates Donald Trump? For just one weird example, look at the results of this Rasmussen poll, done this weekend, and released Monday morning:
Donald Trump has 30%, conservative Evan McMullin has 29%, and Hillary Clinton has 28%. Gary Johnson has collapsed to 5%, with Stein at 1%.
Now, not all the polls are that close, but whoa! By the way, for those of you saying “Evan Mc’ScuseMe?,” remember there is this dude Evan McMullin and he is a Mormon and he claims to be running for president. And in Utah, he could actually winned! Or Trump could winned! Or Hillary Clinton could employ just the right strategery and #rig the election by convincing a few more percent of Mormons to vote for her.
Hey, Mormons in Utah, you should be like these Mormons, who are for Hillary, in this ad!
The point is Hillary is going to win all Barack Obama’s 57 states, and even if she doesn’t, it’s starting to look like she will beat Trump so hard on his ass that we might never hear from him again, because he’s so embarrassed. Isn’t that what you want for America? Won’t that make you feel joy in your heart? THEN GO VOTE, in Jesus’s name, Amen.