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They didn't sell a lot of records, but everyone who heard them grabbed someone by the pussy.
They didn’t sell a lot of records, but everyone who heard them grabbed someone by the pussy.

Guys, it looks like we’re all going to just concede defeat, cancel the election, and swear in Donald Trump right away. Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, has conclusively debunked the claims that Donald Trump ever groped anyone, using SCIENCE. Or ROCK MUSIC, which is practically the same thing. You see, one of the women accusing Trump, Jessica Leeds, described Trump’s alleged groping on an airliner using language that was nothing more than a line from a Velvet Underground song, thus proving the whole event never happened. Truly, it is investigative work like this that has won Mr. Hoft the reputation he so richly deserves.

Somehow overlooked in the foofaraw over last week’s NYT story, Hoft actually destroyed the Times’ alleged “journalism” the very day it came out. Or rather, because Hoft is a lazy bastard, he reprinted a screenshot of a story written by someone else, in this case a tweet from rightwing blogger Mike Cernovich (who appears to have gotten it from yet another source):

velvet-underground-octopus

Surely, no one in the history of the world has ever used the simile “like an octopus” to describe a grabby person, at least not between the Velvet Underground’s 1968 song “The Gift” and now. Besides, as the tweet points out, cephalopods do not even have hands!

Ergo, Ms. Leeds is proven a liar, and the New York Times is once again shown to be unreliable. Oh, sure, if you want to get all technical about it like they do at Snopes, you could point out that the octopus analogy is virtually the only thing the song and Leeds’ account have in common. The song is a trippy weirdass story written by Lou Reed, about a guy who mails himself to his long-distance girlfriend as a surprise, and while still in the box, he overhears her talking about a date with another man:

Sheila nibbled on a cuticle. “After last night, I thought maybe you’d be through with him.”

“I know what you mean. My God, he was like an octopus. Hands all over the place.” She gestured, raising her arms upward in defense. “The thing is after a while, you get tired of fighting with him, you know, and after all he didn’t really do anything Friday and Saturday so I kind of owed it to him, you know what I mean.”

But hey, the line is there, thus proving all of Donald Trump’s accusers are liars. It’s critical thinking skills like these that will truly Make America Great Again. Which is a line the Trump campaign stoled from Ronald Reagan, thus proving Donald Trump has been lying about running for president the whole time.

In any case, we appreciate Jim Hoft’s service to investigative journamalism, and encourage him to apply his forensic technique to other accounts by women who say Trump behaved inappropriately. For instance, we can probably dismiss the other woman in that NYT story, Rachel Crooks, who says Trump forced her against a wall near the elevators in Trump Tower and kissed her forcibly, by citing Aerosmith’s immortal “Love in an elevator / livin’ it up while I’m goin’ down.” Kristen Anderson, the woman who says Trump reached up her skirt in a nightclub in the early 1990s? Obviously just stealing from Usher’s “Love in This Club:”

I wanna make love in this club
In this club
In this club
In this club
I wanna make love in this club.
In this club
In this club
In this club

The ten-year-old who Trump said he’d be dating in 10 years? Clearly just a line stolen from “My Sharona”:

Never gonna stop, give it up
Such a dirty mind, always get it up
For the touch of the younger kind

And all those beauty contest participants who say Trump strode arrogantly into dressing rooms were obviously just plagiarizing from Carly Simon: “You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht,” although the details of haberdashery may vary. But can there be any doubt that Trump is so vain he probably thinks this song is about him?

[Gateway Pundit / Mike Cernovich on Twitter / Snopes]

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  • Joe Beese

    Even more influential than we thought!

  • JohnBull

    The real news story here is there’s a Trump supporter who knows who Lou Reed is.

    • ArgieBargie

      Just wait until he finds out he was a Joo.

    • SnarkOff

      Jim Hoft took a walk on the wild side that one time.

  • eggsacklywright

    Hands + octopus? Hmm, funny, that’s what Sally Field said about Johnny Carson.

  • Duke

    I truly appreciate investigative journalism based on a google hit.

  • goonemeritus

    I knew that band was up to no good the first time I saw tham at CBGB’s.

    • Arolpin

      I’m not sure what about your statement is the saddest bit. Maybe that Lou Reed is no longer with us (and I don’t get to see him walking around NYC any more). Maybe that CBGBs is no longer with us, and that by the time I moved to NYC it was a shell of its former glory. It’s probably that I never got the chance to see Velvet Underground live, and therefore think that goonemeritus is a stinky poophead who makes me angry.

      • goonemeritus

        I was there a lot in 70’s, never actually saw the Velvet Underground but I did see many cool shows.

      • SnarkOff

        CBGB was also before my time but TBH, it sounds kind of gross. I imagine puddles of vomit on the floor and people shooting up in the bathrooms.

        • Arolpin

          I don’t think there was that much shooting up going on in the bathrooms, only because by the time I was in NYC it was the era of high-quality smack, so they were snorting it. At least CBGB was an honest dive, with honest vomit on the floors. Not like that terrible clubs in the early-90s with huge trough-style urinals, with sand and colorful oil on the bottom (I suspect it was what someone thought tripping people would like, I’m of the opinion that you shouldn’t do anything that would encourage someone to play in a urinal.) Give me honest blood, puke, piss, and vomit any day of the week.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Oh, for the love of criminy

  • Vincent Ricola

    I am tired, I am weary. I could sleep for a thousand years.

    Or at least until November 9th.

    • theblackdog

      vote first!

    • James Christopher Owen

      I thought it was the 28th…

  • Blender_415

    Ohz Noez, I sense a Monday morning dance party coming on… need coffee.

    • Arolpin

      About about All Tomorrow’s Parties instead?

      • Amy!

        But what costume shall I wear? I’m a poor girl.

  • Mavenmaven

    “They didn’t sell a lot of records, but everyone who bought one of those 30,000 copies filed harrassment charges against Trump”

  • Tallmutha

    That one woman who said Trump showed up a couple of minutes late clearly got it from “I’m Waiting for the Man.”

    • SnarkOff

      Her real name is Sweet Jane.

  • Gwennie_G

    I guess I shoulda known by the way he combed his hair sideways that it wouldn’t last.

    • SnarkOff

      He’s the kind of person who believes in making out once. Love ’em and leave ’em fast.

  • Mavenmaven

    I blame Squidward.

  • Indiepalin

    It’s a Lou Reed song called “The Gift” about a broke young lad who tried to mail himself to his girlfriend, with gruesome results.

  • Spotts1701

    Stretch – STRETCH! Make that tenuous connection stick!
    For a bunch of dullards they come up with the craziest stuff.

  • FauxAntocles

    Lou Reed -> L.Reed -> Leed -> Leeds
    CONNECT THE DOTS, SHEEPLE!!11!!1

    • Spotts1701

      Holy Bat-Deduction!

  • Vagandarian the Librarian!

    I bet if you looked closely, every rock song ever written has been used to lie about sexual assault. Those GOP goons sure are uncannily SMRT.

  • bubbuhh

    So, Jessica Leeds heard Trump describe a date with another woman on a plane and her Octopussy made a bond with him that has lasted decades?

    • Longstreet63

      And some English guy claims to have had a View to a Thrill?

  • stankbait

    Images of Trump and his daughter bring to mind that old Captain and Tenniel number
    “Muskrat Love”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Yurgh. Btw, take a listen to the original by Willis Alan Ramsey sometime, it’s a little less sugary than C & T’s version.

  • Gwennie_G

    Such a perfect day. Groped ladies in the park.

    • Longstreet63

      That should have been a Tom Lehrer song.

    • Toomush_Infer

      What do you think you are – a star?…

      • Gwennie_G

        Later on, when it got dark, taco bowls.

  • Mpeg

    Well if LEeds was gonna plagiarize a quality songwriter, couldn’t she have at least plagiarized a Nobel -prize-winning quality songwriter, geez~

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Would have made more sense if he’d just stuck with his “octopi do not have hands” defense.

  • Anna Rompage

    I suppose Trump’s defense will use lyrics from a Ted Nugent song as a defense against the 13 year old girl Trump allegedly raped…

    • kev

      Snatch Grab Fever?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Maybe Hoft was just taking his pale blue eyes for a walk on the wild side to do some heroin.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I’m waitin’ for my man,
      Twenty-six Trump dollars in my hand…

  • BadKitty904

    Incredibly OT: Florida would like to thank our colleagues in New York State for stepping in to continue the production of our nation’s weirdness as we recover from damage incurred by Hurricane Matthew…

    Man Tripping on LSD Saves Dog from Imagined House Blaze
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/lsd-dog-imaginary-fire_us_58047c78e4b0e8c198a8daa6?section=&

    • goonemeritus

      We got you bro, just take all the time you need to sweep the alligators out of your hot tubs.

      • BadKitty904

        Roger-dodger, dude!

    • doktorzoom

      Thanks, and filed away for later in the day

      • BadKitty904

        De nada, jefe!

    • janecita

      He had good intentions though!

    • eggsacklywright

      “Have you seen the fucking dragons in the kitchen?”

    • Tin Kitty

      I mean, his name wasn’t Pork Chop, but it’s close… That right there happened in my neck of the woods, and this is the first I’ve heard of it.

      • BadKitty904

        Bask in the notoriety…

  • doktorzoom

    I have HAD it with these motherfuckin’ rapes on this motherfuckin’ plane!

    • ArgieBargie

      Here comes the Rape Police again!

      • Anna Rompage

        Dag nammit, just when all the heat over the rapey swimmer kid was just starting to cool down…

      • Captain Kraut

        Re-new your Consent Card today!

      • James Christopher Owen

        Here come the Rape Police,
        fallin’ on my head like a manocide,
        fallin’ in my head like a new vagenda

    • Longstreet63

      Liberals playing the Rape Card again…

      • Blank Ron, Avenger of Ponies

        If you play the Race Card and the Rape Card together you automatically win the trick and get to deal the next hand.

        • Longstreet63

          I love “Cripple Mr. Onion”!

  • DinkyBossetti

    Who among us HASN’T been groped by a Velvet Underground song?

  • beatbort

    And if anyone is familiar with the narrative song “The Gift,” what happens at the end of it is what should happen…oh never mind….I’m not a violent person.

    • Objectifer

      Causing little droplets of blood to pulsate gently in the morning sun.
      – with votes

  • in the name of the moon

    I also remember an episode if Are You Being Served? where Capt Peacock is also described to have hands like an octopus. Now Brits are in on the conspiracy. The rabbit hole never ends!!!

    • PubOption

      And, they have a city named Leeds.

      • Blank Ron, Avenger of Ponies

        Mind. BLOWN.

      • in the name of the moon

        We are thru the looking glass here people!!

  • cousin itt

    My mom used to say that same thing in reminding me to be a good boy. She said it in the context of one particular young man she dated in the early 50s, a young man with the last name of Hilton. She worked in the Chicago fashion scene back in the day and I’ve always kind of assumed that’s how women back then talked about “pushy” men.

    • DinkyBossetti

      Yeah, it’s really not uncommon at all.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Real talk, but has anyone noticed that Trump almost never uses “liberal” as an insult? I know it’s because 1) Trump is unaware of the concept of ideologies and 2) He’s so narcissistic that simple opposition to himself is reason enough to hate someone, but it’s been kind of a nice change of pace.

      • cousin itt

        Good catch. It’s ALL about THAT woman or that blah in the WHITE House.

      • Longstreet63

        Liberal is a dogwhistle, so of course Donnie doesn’t bother with it. He just says the things Republicans think it means.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        That’s a great insight.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        That’s true. I think he even dimly realizes it’s part of his appeal – him appearing ‘independent’ and all that. I think even a lot of ‘conservatives’ were getting a little sick of the standard labels.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    All I know is, whenever I’m lying about being groped by Presidential candidates, I make sure to quote classic, influential rock bands.

    That’s how people can know I’m lying, y’see, because there’s no way some traumatic thing could actually happen and also be described using song lyrics that are floating around in my subconscious somewhere.

  • laughingnome

    I had my money on Octopus’ Garden.

  • eggsacklywright

    ♫ Up to Lexington, one-two-five
    Feel sick and dirty
    More dead than alive…♫

    • LesBontemps

      Everybody’s pinned you, but nobody cares.

    • Objectifer

      Hey white boy
      What you doin’ uptown
      Chasin’ our women around

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Hey mammals, you’re the pervy ones, OK? Leave us out of this.”
    — Cephalopod Defense League

    • cousin itt

      Squidmaster Inky reporting for duty, sir.

    • Big Boppa

      I’d grab you by the octopussy but I’m afraid you’d slug me right in the clam.

      • cousin itt

        Should we call for some mussel?

        • UnsaltedSinner

          I seaweed you did there.

          • cousin itt

            I’m in a league of my own.

          • Spotts1701

            Now, now let’s not be shellfish.

          • cousin itt

            You shoal gotta a way with words.

          • Usedtobeyellerdawg

            This is giving me a haddock.

          • Big Boppa

            A good conch in the noggin will cure that.

        • eggsacklywright

          Beware the enraged bull limpet.

        • eggsacklywright

          Kelp! Kelp! I’m being groped!

          • shastakoala

            By a Grouper?

        • Lance Thrustwell

          The Marines, natch.

        • calliecallie

          It all sounds pretty fishy to me.

          • Captain Kraut

            “Pick your poisson”, as the French say.

          • therblig

            only if you take it littorally

      • Nockular cavity

        No need to mollusk somebody.

        • Kavefish

          Didn’t you know? It’s allowed if you’re a starfish.

      • shastakoala

        I think you should reink that.

      • Swampay

        Geoduck. I’m not even going to try to make a pun, just there it is. Geoduck.

    • Spotts1701

      They’re too busy proselytizing for their Lord and Savior, anyway https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/11921d8afeeffec34196dcc9b4bce50b9267ae437fbf43d1c8afaebb2051583b.jpg .

  • bubbuhh

    I wonder if Hoft would wave a banana at the fact that Trump claimed that the elections wuz rigged cuz no Emmy for The Apprentice three years in a row.

    https://twitter.com/EmmyA2/status/787382266188206080

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “Can’t find more than these two references” = “I’m too fucking lazy to do more than this one Google search, and besides if I find too many more, my theory will look stupid.”

    • BadKitty904

      “stupider”

  • nightmoth

    So basically everyone groped by Trump is an old hippie chick fluent in rock & roll trivia.

  • BadKitty904

    So. Paul IS dead, then?

    • laughingnome

      The Beatles had eight arms between them – it all adds up.

    • weejee

      28IF

      • BadKitty904

        And so I learned something new today. Thanks, Weej!

      • UnsaltedSinner

        Cranberry sauce!

  • Joe Beese
  • DesertedPictures

    Each rapist has such an unique way to force himself on women, that no two instances will ever be described in the same manner. That’s why the ‘against the wall’ story is fake: there have been other women in the past that where molested in this matter. If Trump where to do something (and he wouldn’t since all his alleged victims are to ugly) he would do in a unique matter. Believe me.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      “Against the wall”, my ass. Does she think we’ve never heard of Pink Floyd?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I hate to admit it, but I’ve always kind of enjoyed getting groped by Velvet Underground songs.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Hoft finds new evidence completely exonerating Trump:
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dream_of_the_Fisherman%27s_Wife

  • Gwennie_G

    More Pullet Surprise worthy journalism from the SMOTI. Thanks, Jim Hoft, for making my Monday morning more entertaining!

  • memzilla
    • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

      He looks like some demented “Monty Python” character.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        He’s hoping that if Trump wins the election he’ll be a cabinet appointee–Secretary of the Department of Silly Walks

    • mackafritz

      Which is which?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    In other news, that woman who has accused Trump of leaving her cake out in the rain is probably lying.

    • laughingnome

      And it took so long to bake it

    • cousin itt

      Spring was never waiting for us, Ivanka
      I recall the yellow cotton dress
      Foaming like a wave
      On the ground around your knees

      • laughingnome

        Her brain allows one half-formed thought to pass:
        “Well now that’s done: and I’m glad it’s over.”

      • eggsacklywright

        There will never be an end
        To this droning of the surf.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Her story doesn’t add up.Where is the recipe?

      • Gayer Than Thou

        She claims she’ll never have it again.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Likely story!

    • eggsacklywright

      Soggy Frosting Breakdown.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “If a woman claims to have been sexually assaulted and fails to describe the assault with a fresh and original simile, then she is obviously lying.”
    — Jim Hoft

  • OddMan

    But can there be any doubt that Trump is so vain he probably thinks this song is about him?.

    Doc, it’s perfect.

  • UNIT Leftenant Anna

    Is this that guy that fellated a banana to prove God exists?

    If so, he’s got skillz, but not at “thinking” or “reasoning”.

  • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

    In happier news, 538 is now showing the Dems as having a 68.5 % chance of taking a Senate majority in their “Polls plus” forecast.
    http://projects.fivethirtyeight.com/2016-election-forecast/senate/?ex_cid=2016-forecast

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It’s been creeping up, but that’s a significant jump from just a few days ago.

      Hillz’ increasingly good odds helping with the 50/50 Senate split case is part of it.

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        Unlike the preznit one, the 538 senate forecast jumps around a ton. It’s made me wary about getting too excited.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          True, there are some wacky states out there.

          • eggsacklywright

            Downright zany.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      THAT is the best news I’ve heard in a while. A serious silver lining in this whole mess.

    • Thiazin Red

      I wish that every republican who endorsed Trump gets voted out. I know it won’t be 100% of them, but it would be nice to just completely reject him and his enablers.

  • kareemachan

    Ye gods, do I have to throw up AGAIN?

  • TJ Barke

    Damn, SMOTI sure showed us. Flawless Victory.

  • LesBontemps

    Tentacle porn libelz!

  • FauxAntocles

    I’m still waiting for an electrical banana reference…
    *tapping foot*
    Still waiting…

    • laughingnome

      It’s bound to be the very next phase

      • Rags

        quite rightly!

  • fawkedifiknow

    Rachel CROOKS? It’s so obvious what’s going on there it shouldn’t even need to be proved.

  • Nockular cavity

    Where have you gone, G.G. Allin-o?
    Our nation needs to see you flinging poo,
    poo poo poo

    • Arolpin

      Drumpf is GG for our time. I just hope that if does go out like GG promised to, but was too much of a wimp, that he does it during a Hannity interview to limit injury to innocent victims.

  • Joe Beese
    • laughingnome

      It’s the taco truckers

    • mackafritz

      You know it’s rigged when Hillz has a better chance winning Texas than Trump winning the whole thing.

      • Logic of Color

        Sounds like a fun game! “You know it’s rigged when…”

        • DainBramage

          … the media uses recordings of your own words and actions to show what a dangerous, immoral buffoon you are.

    • therblig

      some of them, i assume, are good people

  • Toomush_Infer

    And the colored girls go doop doop doop doop da doop doop doop doop…..

  • calliecallie

    Perhaps it was the Velvet Underground that put the idea into Donald’s head that when groping a woman you should be like an octopus. Can we prove that Donald Trump never heard the song? Hmm?

    “The thing is after a while, you get tired of fighting with him, you know, and after all he didn’t really do anything Friday and Saturday so I kind of owed it to him, you know what I mean.”

    This totally sounds like how Trump thinks women should think. They owe it to him.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Joe Beese
      • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

        Moments after this photo was taken, blood gushed from Cruz’s palms as the holy stigmata appeared!

    • I have offered my commentary to Raw Story for the first time.

    • Joe Beese

      Hillary’s never going to get this “mandated sex change” legislation through a Republican-controlled Congress.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I’m still waiting for my guns to be taken away and to be forcibly gay married…

        Thanks OBAMA!

        • Joe Beese

          I suppose it was only a matter of time before the generalized castration anxiety Hillary provokes in these people to crystallize into a literal fear that “she’s going to cut off my penis”.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I truly look forward to that. LOL

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      LOL, Ted, you nutter. Never change, man. But by all means, do STFU.

    • anwisok

      “We simply don’t have the time to continue down this failed path. We’ve already been in the wilderness for 27 years.” WTF? So, neither of the Bushes was a REAL Republican? You keep riding those Purity Ponies, guys. It’s worked out so well for you this far, right?

      • Spotts1701

        They’re already insulating themselves by determining the problem wasn’t that the party has gone so far off the rails that it’s more a cult of personality, but that they picked a terrible leader.

  • cousin itt

    Never gonna stop, give it up

    Such a dirty mind, always get it up

    For the touch of the fisher kind

    My piranha

    • Msgr_Trump_has_killed_satire

      You lying so low in the weeds
      I bet you gonna ambush me
      You’d have me down, down, down on my knees
      Now wouldn’t you, Barracuda?

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    I think maybe Aqualung is the source of other stories?

    • DainBramage

      ? Sitting on a park bench,
      Eyeing little girls with bad intent.
      ?
      ?????

      • therblig

        hey, sniff, aqualung!

        • DainBramage

          I remember belting out that song as a young teenager and feeling pretty naughty. Never thought it would be presidential.

          • Querolous

            Does an Aqua Buddha use an Aqua Lung ?

    • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

      I could picture Donnie sitting on a bench in Central Park leering at children.

      • DainBramage

        I can picture a pigeon crapping on his head.

  • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

    Hoft is determined to keep his “Stupidest Man on the Internet” title, it seems.

    Using “octopus” to describe a guy getting grabby is an ancient trope. The character Nikki in the 1951 movie “The Thing” used it when telling Captain Hendry about his behaviour after a few drinks:

    “You had times of making kind of like an octopus. I’ve never seen so many hands in all my life!”

  • shastakoala

    Odds are good Hoft is the top choice for the Putzitzer Prize this year.

    • VforV, I’m with Her!

      An Ignoble, if nothing else.

    • Toomush_Infer

      um, you may have read wrong – I believe he’s up for the Pooter Prize this year…

      • Querolous

        Perhaps a Dingleberry Medal.

  • therblig

    at least trump’s going to do right by the poor blacks who are living just enough, just enough for the cit-hay.

    • Joe Beese

      I prefer singers who can see.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Just because Mr. Hoft couldn’t find multiple references on the Internet to the term “octopus” being used to refer to men’s groping behavior in historical literature and documents dating back before 1968 does not mean such references don’t exist. I have news for Mr. Hoft – not everything is on the Internet, and the world did not begin in 1969 when ARPANET was created. I have heard the term “octopus” used in this way many times in the 60 years I’ve been living on this planet as a female, but Mr. Hoft apparently thinks that if he can’t find something on Google, then it doesn’t exist. A more reliable method of investigation would be to simply ask a lot of women about it.

    • Japanese Tentacle Porn

    • Toomush_Infer

      Mr. Hoft is not allowed to talk to women….

      • Captain Kraut

        I always thought he was the perfect Incel poster boy.

    • Spotts1701

      He tried, but apparently the “talking” all ended with him screaming in pain after the pepper spray hit.

      • John Smith

        Not to mention the swelling ‘nads!

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Is there video??? I want the link to the video. ?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Don’t blame Lou Reed when she so obviously stole her story from Galaxy Quest

    http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/62/7f/46/627f468f18d364c50c7bad7f4bc4a647.jpg

  • therblig

    in other news, two of trump’s biggest supporters are considering their options… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/316e2fecf75af436f0b39d28622c9e3fa356c9709353f15ba58139e5bf9134c4.jpg

  • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

    He’d like to be
    under the sea
    in an octopus’s garden
    groping babes

  • DerrickWildcat
  • bubbuhh

    You know what else is fraudulent? Taco trucks “guacing the vote” in the Southwest cuz Taco Trucks aren’t allowed to vote!!! Ipso facto screwee Dee Dems are rigging the frigging election like a Sex Pistol!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4-vP2aC3Yo

    • UnsaltedSinner

      It strikes me that the only time I used the chapel during my military service was when the chaplain’s assistent and I wanted to play this record and borrowed the chaplain’s record player.

  • I blame it on Rick James. Oh, and Obama.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYHxGBH6o4M

  • Crank Tango

    Octopi don’t have hands, case closed.

    A regular fucking Columbo, that one. http://i.makeagif.com/media/5-29-2015/mr4JUU.gif

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Conservatives derive their ideology from the Rolling Stones…

    ♪ Just my imagination, running away with me ♪

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Rolling Stones, huh?

      “Stray Cat Blues”

      I hear the click-clack of your feet on the stairs
      I know you’re no scare-eyed honey.
      There’ll be a feast if you just come upstairs
      But it’s no hanging matter
      It’s no capital crime

      I can see that you’re fifteen years old
      No I don’t want your I.D.
      You look so rest-less and you’re so far from home
      But it’s no hanging matter
      It’s no capital crime

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Rolling stones? I thought that was Whitfield/Barrett.

      • TheGrandWaz00

        Well, I was going to say the Temptations, but what are the chances they listened to Motown.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Back in the 60’s when dinosaurs ruled the Earth, it was not uncommon to hear, on your local pop music station, tunes from Motown followed by something country followed by the Rolling Stones followed by Richard Harris leaving his cake out in the rain.

          There were no “formats”. Just good music.* The stuff you heard on the AM dial was eclectic and vibrant. You were exposed to all kinds of stuff. Then Stereo FM happened, and the stratification for specific market segments set in.

          *OK, maybe not that last example.

  • btwbfdimho

    Octopus (plural Octopussy) has a brain on every tentacle, so you can’t directly compare brainless-Trump with brainy Octopussies.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8AyIaiNeyc

    Also, an octopus can open a can (can can) from inside to get out of trouble, while Trump is in serious trouble. Can he open a can without assistance of an assistant?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQvNFt2cHys
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8cf7tPoN5o

  • Oblios_Cap

    And the story of Trump’s campaign was foretold in Garry Lee’s “The Rodeo Song”.

    • Objectifer

      At least there’s a heater in the truck.

      • Arolpin

        What is in Johnny’s hand, and where is he going?

        • JustDon’tSayPu55y

          And it’s Alabam left, and Alabam right

  • UnsaltedSinner
    • Catstro

      Has a presidential candidate ever used Supercuts before?

      • Msgr_Trump_has_killed_satire

        C’mon. They don’t extreme combovers.

      • tomamitai

        Ixnay on the aircuthay! We don’t need to give Trumplethinskin any ideas!

    • Gwennie_G

      That’s good stuff! Clearly becoming president is her density!

    • Big Boppa

      BoRics libelz!!!!1!

    • cmd

      Every time I see that clip of him mocking that reporter I want to throw things and/or scream. And Biff looks like a nice guy compared to Trump.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      When that little girl puts her had to her mouth at the end, the onion ninjas leapt in. Damn you ninjas!

    • VforV, I’m with Her!

      I’ll bet they even used those clips with permission, those insidious bastards!

      (oh, great — now I’m misting up over campaign ads.)

    • James Christopher Owen

      Yet Killary ClintonGhazi is the evil hag who wants to murder all your unborn babbies…

  • BearGHAZI

    “NSFCUCKS” LOL these alt righters are so witty

  • WIDTAP

    I’ve got it! This guy:
    http://media.vanityfair.com/photos/5769b438069ae6f85c7795ed/16:9/w_1200,h_630,c_limit/finding-dory-octopus.jpg

    He is a master of disguise and his friend conveniently “forgets” what she has witnessed.

  • eddi

    Is Hoft on drugs?

    • The Wanderer

      Might a happier locution be “When is Hoft NOT on drugs?”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He is definitely not operating in the safe, sane, and sober mode, at any time.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      He’s not on enough drugs.

  • Msgr_Trump_has_killed_satire

    Our parents and ministers were right all along. Rock and roll is the music of the devil!

    • eddi

      They just didn’t know the Devil was a Republican.

  • The Wanderer
  • Msgr_Trump_has_killed_satire

    I’d like to be
    Under the sea
    With an octopus’ finger bang
    In the shade.

  • Rags
  • jellysblues
    • James Christopher Owen

      Mmmmmm…Diane Franklin….

  • Lance Thrustwell

    My advice to Hillary in the next debate:

    Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart.

    • Objectifer

      With shiny boots of leather!

  • cousin itt

    Is that a banana in your hammock or are you just happy to grope me?

  • TheFilmBastard

    Malcolm Tucker on Donald Trump:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GV_SaxVgY5o

    • cat cafe

      God I love Peter Capaldi SO MUCH. The first episode, in particular, of that show was sheer genius.

  • Jen B_VA

    mmmm I love the smell of desperate wingnut in the morning.
    Wonder if it tastes like chicken?

    • VforV, I’m with Her!

      He probably needs a truss this morning. You gotta sprain something reaching like that.

      • VforV, I’m with Her!

        PS you and Land Shark win the Internets for Best Use of Fake DT Trump Tweets last night. Soooooooo funny :)

        • Alleged Land Shark

          bows slightly

    • edith prickly

      It tastes bitter and oily, like Ted Cruz’s tears.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Don’t you see? The answer has been right in front of us the whole time.

    “I’d like to be under the sea
    In an octopus’s garden in the shade
    He’d let us in, knows where we’ve been
    In his octopus’s garden in the shade”

    I ask you, why would an octopus lure you into his garden unless he wanted to rape you? It gets worse though, because after a little bit you’ll be:

    “Resting our head on the sea bed
    In an octopus’s garden near a cave”

    Obviously the little bastard just ruffied you and God knows what he plans to do now. I swear the octopus may be the Bill Cosby of the deep.

  • bobbert

    Watta buncha malarkey.

    • tomamitai

      Watta buncha malarkey

      Isn’t that the name of Trump’s legal team?

      • Khavrinen

        You sure he’s not borrowing the legal team from Car Talk?

        Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe?

        • Sister Artemis

          If they’re smart, it’s more like

          Dewey, Cheathim, and Howe

  • Michael R

    This election is like a sheet metal cutter going through the middle of the package, through the masking tape, through the cardboard, through the cushioning and (thud) right through the center of our collective Waldo Jeffers head

  • SnarkOff

    Beyonce is pissed. How could Jim Hoft have failed to mention her significant influence on Donald Trump’s behavior?

  • LesBontemps

    Rock music and tentacles just go together:

    https://img.discogs.com/FvVY-pXvIYIS56hYqRCgro9U5Og=/fit-in/590×600/filters:strip_icc():format(jpeg):mode_rgb():quality(90)/discogs-images/R-4298725-1361084081-6381.jpeg.jpg

    • tomamitai

      Why do they call them “ten”tacles if they have eight of them?

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        What’s the last test done to a Tickle Me Elmo doll before it leaves the factory?

        They give it two “test tickles.”

        • JustDon’tSayPu55y

          groooooooaaaaaannnnn!

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            I blame my daughter. She’s eleven. Here’s another. What does a pirate’s dog sound like?

            Aaaaarf.

          • GHERKINS OF TRUTH!

            #KidPirateJokes!

            What did the old pirate say on his birthday?

            Aaay Matey!

  • el_donaldo

    The real victim here is the English language. Octopi is not the plural of octopus. It’s octopuses. Octopodes if you want to be pretentious.

    • Alan

      Or you frequent Greek restaurants.

      • malsperanza

        Mmm, octopus.

  • You know how nobody used the word “Dealio” before Missy Elliott wrote that song, and now it’s used a lot, right? I feel that maybe, just maybe, words and phrases enter the vernacular AFTER they are coined by popular musicians…

  • Ricky Gay

    “…Well, you’re where you should be all the time
    And when you’re not, you’re with some underworld spy
    Or the wife of a close friend, wife of a close friend…” – buying furniture!1! It all fits!!!

    • malsperanza

      You walked into the party
      Like you were walking onto a yacht
      Your rug strategically dipped below one eye
      Your hair, it was apricot …

      • Ricky Gay

        yes! It is all falling into place. except the hair. the hair is anchored into place.

  • azeyote

    when Trump heard about the octopus, he realized he only had two little hands –

  • cheetojeebus

    Jim Hoft, SMOTI, seems to be an expert on Tentacular sex.

  • Beautiful Soup

    The plot thickens! I just read the lyrics (?) to “The Gift.” I now realize that in the Access Hollywood tape, Mr. Trump was attempting to quote this song! He meant to say “Grasp every nook and cranny of their psyche!” Nobody told him the p is silent!

  • Olav_Pompatus

    With this blog, 1983’s “Octopussy” now makes perfect sense. James Bond (Roger Moore) may have met his match in Octopussy (Maud Adams), an entrancing beauty involved in a devastating military plot to destroy détente. From the palaces of India to a speeding circus train in Germany and a mid-air battle on the wing of a high-flying jet, only Agent 007 can stop the nightmarish scheme!

  • Shibusa

    Rudy G knows Trumptopus would never touch a woman inappropriately.
    https://media.giphy.com/media/agdYohNS6hzHO/giphy.gif

    • malsperanza

      Never gets old. But I draw the line at Crisp Crispie in drag. Someone will have to intervene before the Inaugural balls.

  • hendenburg2

    “using SCIENCE. Or ROCK MUSIC, which is practically the same thing.”

    True. It wasn’t Rock music that asked how fucking magnets worked

  • malsperanza

    I did a quick search in Google Books and came up with “hands like an octopus” in the following books just on the first page:

    Here’s How Children Learn Speech and Language: A Text on Different Learning …
    By Margo Kinzer Courter

    A Temporary Engagement – The Complete Collection
    By Megan Bryce
    (“Mackenzie said ‘All I can say is, thank God for Spanx. The man’s got hands like an octopus.’ Cassandra turned to look at her. ‘Does he? Good octopus or bad octopus?’ “)
    Let’s pool our money and send this box set to Jim Hoft.

    A Grammar of BardiBy Claire Bowern
    (For those interested, Bardi is an Aboriginal language of western Australia)

    Bot WarsBy J.V. Kade

    The Gold Standard and the Logic of Naturalism: American Literature at the …
    By Walter Benn Michaels

    And I learned this Amazing Fact: Octopuses eat with their hands like humans. With the suckers on its arms, an octopus seizes prey and pulls it up to its mouth, where a poisonous salivary secretion is immediately released from its beak.

    • proudgrampa

      Definitely send the Bryce Collection.

      Perhaps Trump would recognize himself in “bad octopus.”

      • Khavrinen

        Send books to Trump? Like he would deign to read anything other than all those polls that show him winning bigly.

  • George Wiley

    Monique Junot: I figured if we had nothing to say to each other he would get bored; go away. But instead he uses it as an excuse to put his testicles all over me.

    Lane Myer: Excuse me?

    Monique Junot: You know, like octopus? Testicles?

    Lane Myer: Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Tentacles; big Difference.
    Better Off Dead 1985

    • Sister Artemis

      lol – forgot about that scene – one of my fave silly movies of all time

      • Zyxomma

        Never heard of it. Is it worth watching?

        • Sister Artemis

          Campy, silly, sophomoric, wonderful. Best with some kind of inebriation, if you do that sort of thing. You will suddenly get a dozen internet jokes you’ve been reading here and there for years without knowing exactly where they were from.

          “Better Off Dead” is kinfolk to “One Crazy Summer” – both feature John Kusack, have a similar humor, and are the source of endless internet memes.

  • Swampay

    There are three plural forms of octopus: octopuses [ˈɒktəpʊsɪz], octopi [ˈɒktəpaɪ], and octopodes [ˌɒkˈtəʊpədiːz]. Currently, octopuses is the most common form in the UK as well as the US; octopodes is rare, and octopi is often objected to as incorrect.

  • Markuserektus
    • CatDog

      Legend of the OverTrump? (one for the anime fans)

    • Odd Jørgensen

      Trumpthulhu?

  • GHERKINS OF TRUTH!

    Is this the “one weird trick” for criminal defense that the government doesn’t want you to know?

    “If a witness says anything like song lyrics, you go free.”

  • Markuserektus

    Since it’s music

    https://youtu.be/0lQFLBhRwds

    • jmk

      “Your face, it was apricot…”

      • Odd Jørgensen

        But patriotic apricot.

  • Juan de Fuca

    I don’t see the problem with a victim using a common phrase to describe the actions of her (alleged) attacker. I do have a problem with a presidential candidate ripping off the lyrics of a Backstreet Boys song to use in his campaign speech.

    Compare and contrast:

    People are coming into our country — we have no idea who they are, where they are from, what their feelings about our country are…

    – Trump

    I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you did, as long as you love me.

    – Backstreet Boys

    You be the judge…

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/backstreet-boys-donald-trump_us_57fe6020e4b05eff5580c163

  • Carpe Vagenda

    The sole aim of a metaphor is to call up a visual image. When these images clash — as in The Fascist octopus has sung its swan song, the jackboot is thrown into the melting pot — it can be taken as certain that the writer is not seeing a mental image of the objects he is naming; in other words he is not really thinking. — Politics and the English Language, Orwell 1946

    • Jamoche

      Oy, those of us who can’t visualize resent that! Until someone posts some brain-bleach-requiring description of Trump, and we laugh because we have no pictures in our heads.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Oh, nice. Gloat.

  • FlownOver

    Let us not forget the prescience of The Fugs:

    Hangin’ out by the schoolyard gate,
    Lookin’ up every dress I can,
    Suckin’ wind through my upper plate,
    I’m a dirty old man.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I am a pretty big Velvet Underground fan, and I have never once grabbed anyone by the pussy. Well, unless my own counts. I mean, at least it’s always fully consensual.

    • James Christopher Owen

      Well, your hand WOULD say that… :)

      • alpacapunchbowl

        That it’s a VU fan? Well sure it would, it has excellent taste! Wink wink nudge

  • whitroth

    Um, a) I still have their first album (that’s a vinyl disk with a groove on either side that you put on a “record player”); don’t remember that line from it, I’ll have to fire up the ol’ record player.

    b) Half the people I know, esp. women, know that phrase, but I guess these turkeys, who only get laid by paying for it, if they even do that, and don’t, you know, actually talk to WOMEN (Oooo! Cooties! Gotta head back to Calvin’s Sekret Clubhouse!) never heard it before.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      It’s on the second album, White Light/White Heat…that cover is less fetching than the banana one, though.

  • YayConspiracy

    “Ugh, God, it’s from the Jim Hoft!”

    “That schmuck,”

    • BreakingDeadMen

      I knew there had to be a Waldo joke in here somewhere. Well played.

  • James Christopher Owen

    OT but interesting – Amy Goodman has had the riot charges against her dismissed.

    • snark-lurker

      Amy would have been a legal shit-storm of legal bad press all over those pipeliners…they just realized…

  • Zyxomma
  • CatDog

    aw, once OctoDaddy wins, we will all be warm , beneath the storm, in our little hideaway beneath the sea :)

  • Jamoche
    • Odd Jørgensen

      Oooh, asian tentacle porn, will be in my bunk. Screaming.

  • Greyhame

    You mean referencing a figure of speech used in rock lyrics while describing something that happened to you isn’t allowed? Good god, my whole life is a lie!

  • guppy06
  • Odd Jørgensen
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