Lazy Democrat Mama Bear can't even change out of her nightie to vote.
Lazy Democrat Mama Bear can’t even change out of her nightie to vote.

Conservatives are having a bit of a hard time figuring out how to feel about this whole Hurricane Matthew situation? Was it caused by the gays? ALMOST DEFINITELY. Is it a thing made up by a bunch of mean scientists and government people and media people and lizard people and Dead Colonel Sanders just to try and make Rush Limbaugh and Matt Drudge believe in “climate change,” which definitely doesn’t exist? THAT TOO!

But some are seeing the brighter side of this natural disaster, and that is that it will make it harder for all those lazy Democrats to register to vote!

Earlier today, Florida Governor/Judge Doom impersonator Rick Scott rejected a request by the Clinton campaign for the state to extend voter registration on account of Hurricane Matthew making it difficult for people to do so. Scott’s explanation for this was largely “Whatever, those suckers could have done it before so I don’t really care if they can’t register now.”

“Everybody has had a lot of time to register. On top of that, we have lots of opportunities to vote: early voting, absentee voting, Election Day. So I don’t intend to make any changes.”

On Stuart Varney’s Fox Business show, Varney and Tucker Carlson suggested that this could mean that the hurricane could help secure a win for Donald Trump in Florida, since Democrats are just lazy do-nothings who register at the last minute and won’t bother voting if they are inconvenienced in some way.

Via RawStory:

“I mean, look, the conventional view, and I think it’s right, is that anything that makes voting more difficult hurts the Democrats because their voters tend to be less committed — and there may be other factors there too,” Carlson said. “It favors people who are organized, who know what they’re voting for, who have their lives together. I mean, I guess you could say that favors the Republicans.”

Varney agreed with Carlson’s assessment, although he made sure to try to sound somewhat empathetic to people who are potentially having their homes destroyed by a massive hurricane.

“My initial reaction is to say that it favors the Republicans,” he said. “I hate to be — I think that sounds almost crass to be making political judgments when the storm is still hitting… but nonetheless, I think that’s where it’s going.”

Almost crass. It sounds almost crass. It would only be totally crass if they said they hoped that only Democrats would die or be seriously injured in the storm.

Of course, there is kind of a problem with this theory they’ve got going on, and that is that there are actually more registered Democrats in the United States than registered Republicans. So I guess their fear is that if we outnumber them with registered voters already, we must also outnumber them with unregistered voters, and that the vast majority of people in the United States actually do not want Republicans in charge of anything. One would have to assume that if they thought their schtick appealed to the majority of the country that they would be totally fine with efforts to increase voter registration and make voting easier.

Yet, it does work well within the framework of the other theories about Hurricane Matthew. YOU SEE, God was probably thinking “Oh man, what a great idea I have! I’ll send this fairly mild storm down to Florida to indicate my disapproval of gay people, and simultaneously make it more difficult for Democrats to vote, since those lazy jerks will never put forth the effort to open an umbrella and go outside in the rain to do democracy! Two birds, one stone!” so he sent the storm down to Florida.

Then, all of the people who regularly conspire to ruin Matt Drudge’s day figured out what God was up to, and decided to counter this effort by trying to convince people that it was actually a super bad and dangerous hurricane, so that people will believe in climate change. THEN, when people believe in climate change, they will enact all kinds of policies to protect the environment. And then God will be SUPER pissed because he really likes it when people do stuff to harm the planet he made, which is why he made all the stuff that works good for fuel so bad for the environment in the first place. DUH.


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  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Stuart Varney and Tucker Carlson together?

    So much “with votes” there, the only issue would be deciding which one to “with votes” first…

    • arglebargle

      Rick Scott, Rush Limbaugh and Matt Drudge in the post, also too. We may need some voter fraud to take on this much assholerly.

      • dslindc

        I will be happy to vote two or more times!

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          vote early, vote often!

        • arglebargle


  • Blacktop Cadence

    Side note: The Berenstain Bears are now soaked in Christian themes. Kinda crazy given I used to devour them as a wee tot.

  • Tallmutha

    Hey, isn’t that Kim Davis’s husband? What’s he doing with that ladybear hussy in her nightgown?

    • RumAddled

      Nah, he’s a better dresser that her 2nd/4th hubby!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    You know, they just seem to love being deplorable. The lot of them.

    • Creepoman

      We’re gonna need a bigger basket.

  • JMP

    When you’re actually celebrating anything that makes it harder for people to vote, there is something seriously fucking wrong with you.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    This is business news how?

    • anna rampage

      It gives people a heads up to pull their assets out of the US if it’s looking like Trump will win…

      • mfp

        if i have even the slightest inkling on election night that trump can win, my 401k will be withdrawn and under the mattress before the opening bell nov 9

        • Kooolest G

          don’t put it under the mattress, convert it all to euros, if hillz wins, probably no change, if trump wins, the dollar tanks. step 3 profit!!!

  • Tallmutha

    Well, Katrina hurt the Republicans and Sandy at least didn’t help them. Fair is fair.

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    “…the Democrats because their voters tend to be less committed.”

    Like that time waaay back in 2008 when Demoncrats nefariously waited hours and hours to vote despite voter ID laws, hot weather and overt Republican suppression.

    • dslindc

      I waited for almost 3 hours in 2012 . . . in a place where there are like 3 Republicans.

      • Creepoman

        Sounds like it worked exactly as planned, then. And I’ll bet way more than 3 Dems left in frustration before voting.

      • Vagenda and Tiara

        Sounds like heaven!

    • Kooolest G

      remember that time when a republican tried to make it easier for people to vote? ya me neither

      • … and that Republican….

        … was Abraham Lincoln.

        I’m Paul Harvey.

  • Oneofthebobs

    Why do “acts of God” always suck?

    • Tallmutha

      A fish rots from the head down.

      • theCryptofishist


    • Vagenda and Tiara

      God is not a people person. He really doesn’t like human beings.

  • Michael Smith

    Oh my God. Republicans: Just being white doesn’t mean you “have your life together.”

    Although the fact that so many of them apparently believe that explains quite a bit.

  • Gentle Robot

    If people had plenty of time to register, the deadline would be earlier.

  • spends2much

    Sitting at my desk listening to the Hamilton soundtrack and reading this. Pretty sure if Alex and the boys saw how little these Republican shitbags think of the democracy they fought for, they’d regret even getting their sexy uniforms dirty.

  • memzilla

    Tucker and Varney would be more useful as flood-control sandbags, freeing up thousands of grains of sand to help fix America’s soft-shoe dancing deficit.

  • Creepoman

    That settles it, of all the deserving fuck-sticks, Tucker has secured first place in line, against the wall.

    • Vagenda and Tiara

      I think that honor goes to the Massey coal CEO.

  • cleanfront

    Well … My initial reaction is to say that Tucker Carlson is a douchebag, weasel turd that still hasn’t recovered from the Jon Stewart evisceration of his then-bowtied ass 12 years ago. I doubt he still can get the taste of Ailes dick from his mouth. I hate to be — I think that sounds almost crass to be making judgments when the storm is still hitting… but nonetheless, I know that’s what he is.

    • mardam422

      “My initial reaction is to say that Tucker Carlson is a douchebag…”
      Don’t worry, that’s everyone’s initial reaction.

      • Deplorable Ron

        That’s true.
        – Lisa McNear

  • Deplorable Ron

    ‘People might die!’
    ‘This is good news for John McCain.’

  • AngryKatie

    There is one problem with their theory. This is a map of Romney vs Obama from 2012. See all those red counties along the coast? They’re the ones the hurricane hit. See that big patch of blue at the bottom? They got some rain.

  • Nounverb911
  • jesuswasablack

    “It favors people who are organized, who know what they’re voting for, who have their lives together”

    • Deplorable Ron

      Nazis are VERY good at organisation.

      • Astraea

        Neo-nazis, on the other hand..

      • jmk

        Yes, but thinking of the alt-right geniuses I’ve encountered, to quote the divine Sybil (Fawlty), “I have seen more intelligent creatures lying on their backs at the bottom of ponds…I’ve seen better organized creatures running ’round farmyards with their heads cut off.”

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Just don’t mention the war!

          • jmk

            I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.

    • Vagenda and Tiara

      The GOP’s base now consists of the elderly, racists, xenophobes, uneducated white people (mostly white men), misogynists, science deniers, God botherers who think the earth is 6000 years old, and some selfish billionaires who actually have a reason to vote for morons. Not exactly a coalition of smart people. Hell, even the rich are voting 2 to 1 for Hillary, even though they know their taxes are going to go up.

    • Vagennifer Flowers

      It favors people whose mommies own Birds Eye and Swanson and the only media organization willing to hire Tucker Carlson.

  • Vagenda and Tiara

    Why does God hate SC and GA so much? Two reliably red states bearing the brunt of the storm seems unfair. There are a lot of queers in Charleston though, so maybe God figured that into the equation.

    • theCryptofishist

      Still not done kicking them for slavery?

      Or, maybe, it’s all geography and climate… Two totally imaginary things.

  • Blacktop Cadence

    Do you think Trump is going to visit Florida and tell the shell shocked survivors he hopes this won’t get in the way of them voting for him in November? How about when he visits the hospital he tells the mortally wounded not to die before they cast their ballot!

    • Deplorable Ron

      After which he will hand out a few boxes of Play-Doh.

      • mardam422

        Do you think he’ll hand out Trump bottled water? And mehbe a Trump steak?

  • baconzgood

    I don’t want to sound crass but I’m going to.

    • Shangenda of Shanocide

      …still waiting…

      • baconzgood

        I could never be crass to YOU red.

        • Shangenda of Shanocide

          Then it’ll never work out between us.

          • baconzgood


          • Shangenda of Shanocide

            No, that’s just the way my face looks most of the time.

          • baconzgood

            I was trying to be mean. But I can’t.

          • Shangenda of Shanocide

            Oh. I though you were trying to be crass. You weren’t doing THAT very well, either.

          • baconzgood

            I don’t do either well.

          • ShanTAStic!

            HOW long have you been Wonking..?

          • baconzgood

            8 years? Or so.

          • ShanTAStic!

            There’s no hope for you then. You are never going to be mean OR crass.

            That actually sounds kinda nice…

          • baconzgood


          • pstockholm

            Taking too long, you should take a crass course, obviously.

          • baconzgood

            Not to Wonkers.

  • bubbuhh

    Teh Fox Folks will be happy to know that it is teh heavily GOPee counties on the central and northern Atlantic coast of Florida which had the shit kicked outten them. The counties at the Southern end of the state and the on the Gulf coast experienced very little damage at all. Now Georgia and South Carolina will have to experience their own version of the blessings of the god of hurricanes.

    Thanks Obama!

  • AnOuthouse

    My understanding is that the part of Florida being affected is where all the Jews live. How does Fucker reconcile that?

    • anna rampage

      Jews, the gays, racial minorities – They all the same…

      Very few will be voting for Trump this coming Nov…

      • Kooolest G

        but but but, we changed it from a christian country to a “judeo” christian country. jesus christ what does it take to make you people happy???

        • anna rampage

          I hate to sound cynical, but the only reason why they added the Judeo in front of christain is so they can rationalize their use of Leviticus and other doosies from the Old Testament…

          • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

            I think it’s partially that, partially one of the GOP’s desultory attempts to woo Jewish voters without having to understand what it is about Republicans that makes Jewish people so nervous.

  • Callyson
  • Walter Wellstone

    So, in Carlson’s mind the sister-fucking inbred rednecks that vote Republican have their lives together? That’s fucking rich.

    • eastcoastlib

      Those rednecks are the recipient of very large Dept. of Agriculture checks which explains how they got so fat and lazy. If the feds quit sending money to Tobacco Row, their economy would envy that of Mogadishu within a month.

      • theCryptofishist

        Be still, my beating heart.

  • Astraea

    “I mean, look, the conventional view, and I think it’s right, is that anything that makes voting more difficult hurts the Democrats because their voters tend to be less committed — and there may be other factors there too,” Carlson said. “It favors people who are organized, who know what they’re voting for, who have their lives together. I mean, I guess you could say that favors the Republicans.”

    Well, sure, look at this fine specimen, for example. Living the dream.×724.jpg

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I am kind of fascinated by Miss Thing up front in her crown. What was the event?

      • Astraea

        Just a Trump rally in North Carolina. Don’t you wear your crown to all the political rallies?

        • Gayer Than Thou

          A queen never leaves home without her crown.

          • elviouslyqueer

            Truer words, honey. Truer. Words.

        • Usedtobeyellerdawg

          Maybe she thought it was Let’s Make A Deal and she was waiting for Monty Hall to pick her.

      • btwbfdimho

        Is she playing “Miss Piggy” from Venezuela?

        • elviouslyqueer

          Don’t cry for me, Hugo Chavez.

      • Yeah, the picture’s all about her, really, innit? And you know any backstory would just make it better.

    • Clyde Barrow

      The back of his sign reads, “Defibrillators saved this deplorable’s life.”

      • Rags

        “Defibrillators and Medicaid saved this deplorable’s life.” FIFY

    • You have got to be fucking kidding me with this shit.

      How the fuck do you even get there? How do you even decide that people standing up against BEING MURDERED BY COPS are threatening your own life? Because if Black men are left alone to read books or wait by a stalled car or do pretty much anything but pacing the floor behind bars they’re automatically a danger to you? No. Fuck. You.

    • eastcoastlib

      Okay, that tiara is the best thing I’ve seen on the Net today.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Related: Variety reports that Stuart Varney to star in remake of Splendor in the Crass.

    • Astraea

      A+++++++++++ reference

  • Rick Hill

    You’d think if gawd wanted a certain party to win that it would be much easier, and more clear in the messaging, to have a representative who isn’t a complete minion of evil. Someone, Idk, maybe like that nice Obama fellow. Or OhJB. Or Bill/Hillary Clinton….

  • Scooby

    Now all we need is more mass shootings and bombing to she we need law & order. That’ll help Trump.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Has anybody recommended that Bowtie Barbie shut his cakehole yet?

    No? Good. Allow me…

  • Indiepalin

    No one has more insight into politics than those in-bred dumb-ass Carlson boys.

  • PimentacoTX

    “Of course, there is kind of a problem with this theory they’ve got going on, and that is that there are actually more registered Democrats in the United States than registered Republicans.”

    I read somewhere this morning that Democrats are actually crushing R’s in terms of new registrations to vote. It was something like several hundred thousand for Dem’s compared to just 60,000 for R’s.

  • Donkey Option

    Ummm, aren’t a lot of the places where the storm is hitting pretty right-leaning? Like the Jacksonville area? So, wouldn’t this displace a lot of Republicans? Or maybe a lot of the Republicans registered there are like that guy who works for Trump who is registered in Florida but doesn’t actually live there.

    • Iam Reading

      Jacksonville is a neo-confederate shithole of epic proportions. Trailer parks as far as the eye can see.

      • DutchS

        Of course, nothing at all stereotypical there. Taco trucks and watermelon, yes, but trailer parks, no.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I thought it was all the super duper secret closeted Right wingers who were going to come out to vote for the Dumpster Fire that was going to win it for him? Don’t they need to register?

    • Stulexington

      Naw, they’ll just show up on election day and then bitch that white privilege didn’t carry them through and complain about PC conspiracy to keep the white man down.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    But if Trump loses Florida anyway, will he say it was “RIGGED”?

    • veska

      Of course. The hurricane is fake, so obviously it’s just a scare tactic meant to keep his supporters away from the polls

  • SullivanSt

    So, TPM’s initial analysis was that Matthew could hurt Dems in Florida.

    But then it was pointed out that the worst damage was actually going to be not in Miami but further north – in Daytona Beach and Jacksonville. Much redder parts of the state. And sure enough that’s where the worst flooding had been in pictures gathered from social media in the news reporting I’ve seen so far.

    So if there’s any lingering problems by actual election day, it’s likely to hurt Rs more than Ds.

    Carlson’s to some large extent got his point entirely back to front. While it’s true the campaign with the better organization has registered far more voters to this point, it’s also true that the campaign with the better organization was likely to continue to register voters at a greater rate. That campaign is, of course, Clinton’s team.

    To make matters worse, Trump’s campaign has bleeted on at length about how they’re targeting “low propensity voters”, and in particular the large number of white voters without college degrees who don’t regularly vote. Signs of their efforts are entirely absent from registration data to date, but needless to say this is a strategy that relies on registering very large numbers of people.

    So it’s not just the geography of where the storm’s hitting hardest that makes Carlson completely wrong. It’s also the respective campaign strategies.

    But most of all, it’s the fact that he’s fucking Tucker fucking Carlson, first-class moron (and racist and homophobe and all-around shitty human being).

    • Outzie

      And, as we know, God runs everything …. and if he ran a hurricane through a particularly pro-Trump part of the state, it must be because … GOD WANTS HILLARY TO TAKE FLORIDA.

  • Panika MCD

    there are usually deadlines for DVRs (or whatever people who register voters in your state are called…often the League of Women Voters), but they are not normally the next day. they’re like 7-10 days from the time the voter fills out the form and you show them that you are sealing it with a sticker or tape or whatever because you will not be doing secret Wells Fargo things with their card and you gave them a little tear off to make sure they knew there was no funny shit going on.

    ANYWAY while we have a bunch of people concentrated in shelters, it may be in our best interest to send them taco trucks with DVRs on board once the storm passes. that way they can get a delicious meal and update their voter reg while they are waiting to be able to get into their homes to assess damage.


    If he loses, it’s because Trump’s Poll Avengers (“Watchers,” whatever) will have failed to intimidate (“challenge,” whatever) the registered Democrats (“n-words,” whatever) who actually show up to vote.

    Obviously you’d think that kind of intimidation stuff might sounds like “rigging” at first, but it isn’t. Unless he loses. Which proves it was rigged, because his not-rigging was out-rigged by all the “Riggers.”

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    It’s so crazy it just might work.

  • Jen B_VA

    So when can we politicize storms? Cause it seems the right gets to do it as it is happening.
    Next Tornado- Chuthl’s wrath of the bible belt and or retribution for stetsons?

    • The elder gods are really annoyed by stetsons

  • Brianna Amoré

    It’s shaping up to be an historic landslide of truly EPIC proportions, folks. And every single one of these moronic asshats is going to be forced to eat their words as Trump is tied around their necks like a millstone. Never again can the Republican Party or the Right Wing ever claim moral authority. Now they are the Party of Sexual Harassment, Racism, Xenophobia, and they have truly debased themselves by supporting a disgusting sexual predator like Trump.

    Memo to Republicans: Time to clean up your act. You MIGHT come out of this with your soul intact if you repudiate Trump and everything he stands for right this minute. Because if you don’t, he’s all yours. Lock, stock and two smoking pussies.

    • kbbaldwin2

      In two months you won’t be able to find a single person who will admit they voted for trump.

  • Does Tucker Carlson’s job ever require him to, I dunno, stand up? Just asking.

    • Odd Jørgensen

      That would take an exo-skeleton upgrade, since he is lacking a spine.

  • Iam Reading

    I hate those pasty, doughy jerkwagons. I would love to be in a three person hunger games with them.

  • Incoming Ham

    Drudge’s Hierarchy of Needs: Stupid, More Stupid, Extra Stupid.

  • Stulexington

    So when they finally figure out that more Dems are registered than Republicans they’ll try to claim it was an elaborate reverse psychology stunt instead of, you know, leadership and stuff.

  • Vagandarian the Librarian!

    “It [making voting difficult] favors people who are organized, who know what they’re voting for, who have their lives together.”

    You know, like GOP shills, who don’t need a hurricane to go out of their way to disenfranchise people from voting.

  • Gregory Brown

    I beg to differ on the comparison of Riclk Scott with Judge Doom. He is far more similar to a naked mole rat. Let’s compare:

    Gov. Scott:

    Naked mole rat:

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