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Morning Wonkers! Here’s some of the stories yr Wonkette might be ‘splainering and inserting pee pee jokes into today!

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  • MynameisBlarney
    • All that tidbit did was make me want baklava

      • MynameisBlarney

        It still didn’t work for me, so mebbe it’s my ‘puter.
        Also, too…I want baklava now too.

        • Shannanigans

          Refresh your browser. That’s what I had to do.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            And you got baklava?

            Cool!

          • Wait that works? ***furiously hitting refresh***

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            F4, F4…

          • eggsacklywright

            I keep pressing Esc…Esc…but nothing happens. I’m still here.

      • tehbaddr

        In a way the idiots were right, Baklava is the bomb!

    • Fixed!

      • MynameisBlarney

        Damn….that was fast!

        *narrows eyes*

        Almost too fast.

        • Dr.Zoidberg

          It’s a trap!

          • MynameisBlarney

            Oh shiiiiiit noooooooooooooo!!!!

      • anwisok

        disregard.

  • eddi

    The Rebs seem to be having all kinds of problems this morning. Good.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Indeed.
      This pleases me.

    • mml1996

      I’m breathing once more..

  • calliecallie

    House teabaggers won’t give money to the RNC? You brought this on yourselves, GOP. I hope you go down in flames with votes in November. Blue flames.

  • dslindc

    I can’t wait to see how well Donald will adhere to the “Debate Topics” announced by Lester Holt. And by well, I mean, ignore and talk about his penis again, probably. SAD!

    • mml1996

      See if he talks about his penis again – Hillary can laugh loudly like she did at the Benghazi hearings saying “That’s not big Donnie!”

  • tehbaddr

    Well, that crooked old asshole HW Bush is good for something after all these years!

    • eddi

      Comic relief?

      • tehbaddr

        UBER Jeb?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      He could have strangled that one son… Or all of them for that matter.

      • tehbaddr

        All of them in a burlap sack and into the Potomac, he had his chance!

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          “W, did you like daddy’s swimming lessons”
          “Yeah mom, the only hard part was getting out of the bag.”

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Imagine having to pick one with that bunch!

    • chicken thief

      Fashionable socks?

  • berkeleyfarm

    I regularly read /r/sysadmin and /r/exchangeserver on Reddit. I took a look at those headlines yesterday and noped out of there.

    They’re usually relatively sane places.

  • dslindc

    Oh, and I support replacing Maryland drivers with self-driving cars. It can’t possibly be worse or less safe.

    • Don’t get mad because you’re stuck in traffic on the Woodrow Wilson, or on 495. That’s you’re own damn fault.
      Maryland 1, Virginia, 0

      • dslindc

        Almost never have to drive on either, thankfully!

    • tehbaddr

      Your Districtism is showing!

    • Deplorable Ron

      Still not as bad as New Jersey. Or Montreal.

    • bupkus23

      At least in Southern Maryland, the poorest drivers are the Virginians short-cutting around I95 to get to the District. Put them in self-driving cars, and they’d probably end up in Charlotte….

  • memzilla

    Meanwhile in other news, the ACLU tells the story of how “Police Accidentally Record Themselves Conspiring to Fabricate Criminal Charges Against Protester” in Connecticut. You can tell the protestor is white, because otherwise, the headline would have been about the police conspiring to KILL HIM AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT.

  • Mavenmaven

    Skittles? Let the dehumanization begin! When does the American version of Kristallnacht happen?

    • eddi

      On a Trump win, November 9.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      When was the Republican convention again?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    OT, but I am DONE with NPR. Mara Liasson yesterday afternoon, on candidates and foreign policy: Hillary speaks with her “head” (apparently vewy, vewy bad), issuing nuanced, thoughtful, considered policy proposals (which will obviously destroy America in a matter of days). Trump speaks from “the heart”, creating a “deep connection with many American voters”. No, you blithering twit, he speaks from his ass to con idiots; saying otherwise implies he has passion and convictions and ideas. I can’t even. Fuck NPR, fuck Disneyland, fuck me.

    In other news, via the Guardian, rats are taking over the world.

    • therblig

      Did you know, Flotsam, that if rats were the size of English children, they could wipe us out in a week!

    • arglebargle
    • YoBunnyBunny

      Trump has a heart???? I guess, if one can call a furry, molded tangerine a heart.

    • subatomic

      I heard that segment and I almost ran off the road as I was ranting so fervently. I’m about done with NPR as well.

      • Hijabi Rockstar

        I spend an inordinate amount of time these days, stabbing at my radio off button and shouting “F**K YOU.”

    • Deplorable Ron

      Go ratties!

    • Creepoman

      Same here – a couple days ago, their “balanced” panel was a republican shill and Cookie Roberts who both spent 10 minutes trashing Hillz pneumonia. You can take your tote bag and shove it up your . . . .

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Cokie’s “sell by” date expired about 20 fucking years ago. It beggars the mind that she still has a job.

    • Redgyal

      For some Americans, their butt is their heart. ***knowledge is power***

  • PubOption
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Is waterboarding a type of medical care?

    • Señor Skwerl

      “And he’ll probably even have room service, knowing the way our country is. And on top of all of that he will be represented by an outstanding lawyer,” Mr Trump added.

      No Donald, he’s not a rich white guy.

  • mml1996

    WHY THE FUCK IS MURPHY LOSING TO THAT SLIME TURD MARCO RUBIO?!

    I have lost all respect for that man since the Orlando Shootings, that fuckface needs to be hammered (with v**es!)

    • bupkus23

      Short answer – ‘cuz Florida!

      The longer I stay here ( in The Villages ), the more despicably stupid most Floridians appear to be….

      • mml1996

        Oh Florida – you’ll never fucking learn, will you..

  • therblig

    apparently, my car is some sort of sanctuary city. give me your tired, your poor,your red, but not your sour apple. why the fuck they ever got rid of lime is a mystery to me. but i digress. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0102f84ce88f376c3f60faf690f998ca25c028d5d705394a36b220ab74e41c55.jpg

    • RETURN THE LIME SKITTLE!!!!

    • Catstro

      They pulled that shit with LifeSavers, too. Trying to appeal to the youths, what with their sour apple and blue raspberry and hippity-hop musicz

      • Blue raspberry anything is pure evil. I refuse to consume anything that looks like it might be Windex to protect my personal safety

        • YoBunnyBunny

          Not a blue raspberry fan, but I lurv the Blue Raspberry Sour Patch Kids gum… Yes, it is A Thing.

        • Creepoman

          Good news – it’s not Windex. Bad news – it’s toilet water.

  • HereKitty

    All due respect to my TV boyfriend Stephen Colbert, but Seth Meyers won the night by doing journalism better than most of the “actual” journalists tangled up in this hellish pageant have managed to: https://youtu.be/5sBhANSz–k

    • mml1996

      His Closer Look segments are pretty good too. No one can say he isn’t fair and balanced. Unlike that moron Fallon.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Seth Meyers has been impressive lately. He’s my newer, younger boyfriend.

    • True, but Seth Meyers didn’t tell anyone to lick his balls.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Awwwwwwwwesome!

  • geoffalnutt

    I have it on authority that a gevalt is yet another fish that goes through its whole life cycle in a jar. The other is the gefilte. I had been wrong all along. What a world.

  • tehbaddr

    We’ve got to kill the poison Skittles over there, before they come for us here…wait wut!?

    • But Skittles are just sugar coated sugar filled with flavored sugar, they’re already poison.

      • But….they taste of rainbow!!!

        • Today I Learned that “The Rainbow” tastes like diabetes.

        • tehbaddr

          Rainbow and Unicorn puppy farts!

          • Historicat

            Is that unicorn wearing a bra? So many questions there …

  • memzilla

    If you’ve ever seen Paths of Glory, you know that Drumpf would be just the kind of general to order his artillery to fire on his own men to get them out of the trenches, into an impossible-to-breach killstorm of enemy fire, just to salve his own ego, and then order up phony drumhead courts-martial to execute the soldiers who didn’t obey him.

    • The Wanderer

      I’ve seen that movie (which is a masterpiece, by the way) and agree with you.

      • memzilla

        The tracking shots of Kirk Douglas going down the trench, and the attack itself, are brilliantly chilling even today.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    “Here are the debate topics for the first presidential debate next Monday.”
    America’s Direction
    Achieving Prosperity
    Securing America

    I guess they decided not to use my suggestion:
    The Rot Within

    • Rufus T. Firefly

      Or Just How Fucked Are We?

  • Shannanigans

    Good job that cookie box didn’t have math on it. They would have evacuated the area in a 10-mile radius and sent in a robot in to detonate it.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Skittles has more nuance, thoughtfulness and fact-checkiness than 99% of our “journalists”. I’m talking directly at you, CNN.

    • I’m happy to report that it’s nice to be part of the 1% for once.

  • Shannanigans

    Saw this on the FaceBorgs just now:

    So George Bush (that’s the nonagenarian)
    Plans to vote in a fashion contrarian.
    Trump has been on the skids
    With Blacks, women and kids;
    Now he’s losing the alpha-male Aryan.

    • artem1s

      I think Poppy’s doing it to piss off Barb and well maybe as a sort of apology for his loser son and what he did to put us all in this mess and an extra apology for JEB?. Please clap!

  • anwisok

    Link for the Cookie Story is messed up. This is a corrected version, which works.

    • should be working now.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        You build a thousand bridges, and maybe they call you an architect. But get caught fucking a single goat…

        • MynameisBlarney

          Hey, you shoulda seen the way she was dressed!

          • Kiri the Deplorable Unicorn

            I like the “naughty librarian” look.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Well, shyaaa! Who doesn’t?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          …and they call you “Ammon Bundy”.

          • eddi

            Gong!

      • anwisok

        Yeah, it helps If you reload the page before bitching. Sorry.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    OT: But I was reading the WashPo express yesterday evening and came across a random entry for the This Week In Really Stoopid Files:

    The Miami police union president don’t want the po-po’s to do security at the Dolphins games because the players be kneeling and shit during the national anthem. Quote:
    “I respect their right to have freedom of speech,” Bell said. “However, in certain organizations and certain jobs you give up that right of your freedom of speech temporary while you serve that job or while you play in an NFL game.”

    So… the NFL is a branch of the armed services now? Whodda knowed!!!?!! Of those organizations where giving up freedom of speech is a civic obligation, the NFL is really not one of them. Do we really need to remind people that football players are private citizens in contract with a commercial sportsball entertainment franchise, not fucking public servants. Nationalistic fee fees and local/regional pride have fuck all to do with their job, actually (ask the St. Louis Rams or the Baltimore Colts!).

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Wow, what a bunch of fucking idiots.

    • Shannanigans

      Nobody can be required to salute or say the pledge. I think even SCOTUS said so back about, oh, 50-60 years ago.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Holy shitballs, that’s some damn ignernt thinkin right there.

      Seems our cops are a bunch of slack-jawed morons that have NO FUCKING IDEA what the 1st Amendment entails.

      • eddi

        They are involved in a war. In which they are the only good guys.

      • Good_Trouble_Yall

        The fact that their national organization endorsed Fanta Hitler tipped me off to this fact last week . . . .

    • Blacktop Cadence

      What’s the world coming to when we have to put up with the free speech of the people we pay to concuss each other into brain damage?

      There should be a law, I tell you!

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      I’m amused he thinks actual working cops are going to turn down sweet sweeeet sweeeeeeet overtime + free football game.

    • Oh say can you see
      that my hands are up, don’t shoot
      at me becaaauuuuse of my color
      aim that thing at the other feller
      and the shotguns red glare
      the smell of bacon in’the air
      gave proof in the night
      that racism is always there
      Oh say does that mis-under-stood
      constitoooooshun you waaaaave
      mean annnnything at all
      to the ignorant and naaaaiiiive.

      • Rufus T. Firefly

        Ah, the little known fourth verse.

    • Jamoche

      Oh, the Santa Clara cops (why yes, the San Francisco 49ers play 40 miles away in Santa Clara) have been saying the same kind of thing; I hear about them threatening to not provide security for the games on every local news promo.

    • Kiri the Deplorable Unicorn

      Everything to do with football is sacred and holy and we engage in manichean ritualized combat to pick God’s favorite team for Him. USA! USA! USA!

      • eddi

        We draw the line at decapitating the winning team as an offering to Huitzilopochtli. But only barely.

        • Kiri the Deplorable Unicorn

          Oh yeah, we’re not savages or anything.

        • bupkus23

          decapitation, chronic traumatic brain injury – meh, what’s the diff?

          • eddi

            The speed with which the effect takes place.

    • Rufus T. Firefly

      Freedom of speech should never be used to say anything controversial.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Oh my god that Colbert segment was cathartic. One of the best things I’ve seen him do for a while. Thank you Dominic.

  • cheetojeebus

    Not M&Ms, not Jelly Beans, Skittles. Not 89 Generals, nor 97. 88 Generals. Next he will brag about how he’s reduced for clarities sake his foreign policy to 14 words.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Re: Kasich v. Preibus…

    Given the story arc of the GOP this election and all their fake pinky swears… this couldn’t’ve happened to nicer crew of fellas, right??? I am enjoying immensely, all the dick twisting and back-biting going in the GOP right now. When the dickweasels eat their own…

    • Shannanigans

      I learn the most interesting things here.

      *scribbles “dick twisting” in notes*

      • MynameisBlarney

        Penis.

        • Kiri the Deplorable Unicorn

          There you go again!

          • MynameisBlarney

            Hey, it’s not my fault this site runs on dick jokes.

          • Kiri the Deplorable Unicorn

            *belly slap*

      • Rick Hill

        Hey! Wrong lessons to learn. This is from a guy who never once gave a purple nurple

        • Shannanigans

          So you’re saying there’s no right way?

          • Rick Hill

            Just saying as long as you use your powers to fight against evil and remember who the good guys are. Just a knee jerk reaction, before

          • Shannanigans

            “Hey, be still! This is for your own good!”

          • Rick Hill

            It’s proly one of those techniques which could be a blessing or a curse, depending on how you use it.

          • Shannanigans

            Eh, it’s a moot point these days anyway!

      • a form of yoga, just not for everyone.

        • chicken thief

          Seems like a guy that concerned with his body image would do something about those Ann Coulter arms.

        • Shannanigans

          I guess he’s not planning on trying to get through any turnstiles.

        • chicken thief

          As Teddy Roosevelt said, “talk softly and carry a big stick. With your dick wrapped around it.”

    • tehbaddr

      DICKWEASELS LIBELZ!!!111!1!11!1!1!1!!!

  • Basket of Vagendas

    Hey, Dominic? The calligraphy story is even stupider than that. They cheerfully admit that nobody’s ever asked them to do same-sex invitations. They’re pre-emptively suing in case anyone ever does.

    • arglebargle

      Bigots with time on their hands is never a good thing.

      • eddi

        And other people’s money to spend on top of that.

    • eddi

      Yep.
      “With support from the anti-LGBT Alliance Defending Freedom (ADF), Joanna Duka and Breanna Koski, co-owners of the Brush & Nib calligraphy studio, filed suit in May challenging Phoenix’s ordinance prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation in public accommodations. Though they have not
      yet been asked to provide invitations or other designs for a same-sex wedding, they want to overturn the law so that their eventual refusal to do so won’t be illegal.”

      What a pair of rhymes with “bitches” they are being. The judge really kicked them and the ADF up one side of the room and down the other. Purely verbally of course.

      • chicken thief

        I read on the internet (right after I wrote it) that Joanna and Breanna are scissoring the fuck out of each other and that shop is just an excuse for them to get away from their husbands so they can scissor some more.

        At the very least, it would be irresponsible not to speculate….

        • eddi

          The old closet case syndrome again?

          • chicken thief

            Always my first guess. Along with “if the wife is murdered, the husband or her boyfriend did it.”

      • tehbaddr

        Brush & Nib, that’s my exact tactic when it comes to the ladies nipples!

    • Rick Hill

      I’ve heard of people suing after a product came out with some issue. They never used the product but the possibility that they would was distressing to them.

      • Basket of Vagendas

        OK, I assume they don’t give a shit and this is just their way of getting free advertising and probably some money from a wingnut law firm. But I’ll bet you that they’ve never once in their lives voted for a candidate who doesn’t campaign on tort reform.

        • Rick Hill

          Not saying I don’t agree with you, just that sometimes truth is a strange thing

          • Basket of Vagendas

            Oh, sure. It’s just kind of hilarious that the same people fight to keep people out of court when they’re in power and try to legislate through the courts when they can’t get the outcome they want.

  • chicken thief

    If every Skittle had a gun we wouldn’t have to worry about the ‘bad actor’ ones.

    • And some of those Skittles are pretty fucking weird…

  • Oblios_Cap

    I figured the Skittles analogy was a dog whistle to the Zimmermann-esque Trumpsters.

  • Deplorable Ron

    Once again, fake journalist shows how to do real journalism. Taking notes, NYT?

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Freedom caucus really is a blight on the body politick.

    • eddi

      And in this case they are shitting in their own pool.

    • The Wanderer

      More like ‘suppurating pustule on the ass of the body politick.’

  • Mezzavagenda

    In regards to the Skittles story, it’s nice to see Joe Walsh is still a self serving bag of tick dicks. Also, the whole Trump clan retweets xenophobic garbage. Nice.

  • elviouslyqueer

    So let me get this straight (*ahem*) about the Christian calligraphy total and complete bullshit fracas: two Arizona chicks want to preemptive exempt themselves from having to scribble the names of two dudes or two females in (probably) fucking Comic Sans because they think that infringes on their artistic “rights”?

    http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/45/45b1e3b3ec44da95b6a851d6827d0402a9c152f65324e3de33f16b1fe2ef41a7.jpg

    • YoBunnyBunny

      If the names are unisex how the fuck would they know if it’s two men or two women???

      • Crystalclear12

        Pat and Pat cordially invite you. . .

      • chicken thief

        Like my neighbors Kim and Chris (or Chris and Kim). One of each sex.

    • Kiri the Deplorable Unicorn

      “It is absurd to think that the fabricator of a wedding invitation for a
      same-sex couple has endorsed same-sex marriage merely by creating or
      printing that invitation.”- Judge Karen Mullins

      Good, somebody finally fucking gets it.

    • The Wanderer

      Fuck these people. Seriously.
      Are these assholes Communists or something? Capitalism is about making money, and moneta non olet – money does not smell. Doesn’t matter where you get it from in your business, money is fucking money.

      • Erala Contratista

        And! You just never know who has had their nasty hands all OVER that money.

  • Sedagive

    Even in my wildest, chemically-fueled dystopian nightmares, I never imagined that a colorful, fruity candy could become a racist meme. The confluence of Skittles, homicidal racism and xenophobia is the very definition of fubar.

    • Rick Hill

      I’d look for more because alt-right(still sounds like a name for gay conservatives) even has a word for when one of their hate phrases makes it into public usage. I wouldn’t doubt they make stuff up just so it’s more likely to be used

    • (((cynmac)))

      Skittles and Arizona Ice Tea have been racist memes since the Zimmerman Affair. It’s just now getting into the Trump Cloud, which just shows how much of a bubble they live in.

      • Sedagive

        Indeed: what started with the killing of Trayvon Martin has morphed into the Syrian refugee crisis – a situation so tragic that it defies language.

        I’m this close to giving up on humanity. This close ———

    • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

      I always thought they were a sexual meme (Google “Skittles: Taste the Rainbow”)

    • folderol

      …because if you let ONE bad Skittle across the border, you’re flirting with death. If you cross ONE busy intersection, you’re flirting with death. If you go down ONE flight of stairs, you’re flirting with death. How is it I’m alive to type this?

      • Sedagive

        I have two cats. I flirt with death on a daily basis.

    • DainBramage

      BeastMode should run over these racists who are besmirching his Skittles.

  • chicken thief

    “Over the summer, conservative- and establishment-aligned outside groups
    poured millions into primary showdowns between far-right and
    center-right candidates.”

    Where ‘center-right’ means that the candidate does not believe any one of the following four statements:

    1. Obama chemtrails are brainwashing us.
    2. Obama is a Kenyan MooseLimb terrorist who founded ISIS to take our guns.
    3. Hillary cackled like the fucking banshee and live emailed the entire event on her personal email server while Ambassador Stevens met his death.
    4. The elimination of all taxes will wipe out the federal debt in just a few short months.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      5. The government is run by lizard people.

    • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

      “We hold these truths to be self-evident.”

  • Mezzavagenda

    Aw, Viceland doesn’t allow comments. Because I really want to tell ask them “So fucking what?”

  • Basket of Vagendas

    The RCCC story is giving me more joy than I’ve had in a while, imagining the bombthrowers in the minority.

  • Mezzavagenda

    Rinsed Prius is the kind of idiot that makes other idiots feel smarter by comparison.

    • Basket of Vagendas

      And meanwhile, the Freedumb Caucus is hoarding the money they don’t need to keep their safe seats so the RNC, RCCC and donors are going to have to spend money they don’t have protecting their moderates. Terrific use of your time, Priebus.

    • BouncyFlyer

      Hybrid Libel! Call ‘im “Rinsed Pubes”.

  • Bernarda Alba

    In other news, Cuddly Dick has returned.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lKklhKdG4g&spfreload=10

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I love this little tidbit from David Fahrenthold’s latest:

    In 2010, a man named Martin Greenberg hit a hole-in-one on the 13th hole while playing in a charity tournament at Trump’s course in Westchester County, N.Y.
    Greenberg won a $1 million prize. Briefly.

    Later, Greenberg was told that he had won nothing. The prize’s rules required that the shot had to go 150 yards. But Trump’s course had allegedly made the hole too short.

    Greenberg sued.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-used-258000-from-his-charity-to-settle-legal-problems/2016/09/20/adc88f9c-7d11-11e6-ac8e-cf8e0dd91dc7_story.html?hpid=hp_hp-top-table-main_trumpfoundation-1040a%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

    What a nice way to market your golf course:

    1. Promise a prize to anyone who can do a hole-in-one from a certain distance.
    2. Make sure the golf course makes it impossible to do so.
    3. Profit!

    Oh, and it seems Donald is a fraudulent grifter. But you knew that.

    • bupkus23

      I looked a little further – and it appears this Martin Greenberg may also be a bit of a grifter – his settlement with Trump and his golf club ( $158k from the Trump Foundation ) went into his own foundation ( the Martin B Greenberg Foundation ). That foundation apparently does not receive “contributions’, but lives off it’s investments – paying foundation salaries of 16% of income – and grants of only 5% of income.

      To boot, the Martin B. Greenberg Foundation is incorporated under the name of a NJ accountant named Paul Reichenberg – who has been implicated in some manner by the “Panana Papers” ( that leak of offshore “banking” transactions that is exposing so many corrupt tax avoiders ).

      Yup – these guys were made for each other….

  • I Only Like Cats

    God I’m going to be so glad when Trump fails and all the Rs who fell in line find themselves in search of a real job.

  • phoenix00

    See, Syrian refugees WISH they come in bite-size brightly-colored fruity-flavored candies. That’ll totally help the immigration and naturalization process!

    And for once, me and lather-Rinse-repeat are in full agreement: we don’t want JEB! nor John Kasich running for president either.

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