SHARE
Wonkette newsroom
Wonkette newsroom

Hey there, Wonkers! It’s Friday, and that means in just a few short hours you can recklessly embrace alcoholism and smoke all your mary-juanas without the ever present fear of waking up late!

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • So…Friday lacks in sane news again?

    I will be dropping in an out today…four movies (Free Fire, Lady Macbeth, Catfight, & ARQ). Must caffinate!

    • Mezzavagenda

      I’m looking forward to Free Fire. Would you be willing to provide a short review later?

    • Cannedclamscanner

      You’re up early it seems. Aren’t you in a mythical time zone? What time do you first enter the black hole of wonderment and delight? No matter, we know you will enjoy and look forward to your reviews.

      • First movie was at 1130. Saw Free Fire. It was hilarious and excellent. Having lunch now!

  • Mezzavagenda

    Alas, the link is broken on the Matthews/ Giuliani piece.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      That’s not all that’s broken…

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I watched that Ghouliani bit in horror. The man is clearly dying. Instead of Trump, he said Reagan. When called on it, he said Trump reminds him of Reagan so he got confused. Obviously dementia.

    • mackafritz

      Trump or the Ghoul? Or both?

      • Mr. Blobfish

        I read on the internet that Trump is also gravely ill. He’s speaking in tongues.

        • mackafritz

          In a language not even god can understand.

        • arglebargle

          A bit of a snake handler, also too.

          • Blank Ron

            More of a worm than a snake.

        • ltmcdies

          on Russian TV

    • Tallmutha

      I always picture him sleeping upside down, like a bat.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        I suspect Trump campaign headquarters has exposed beams for his “best” people to hang from.

        • shastakoala

          Beautiful terrific, gold beams.

    • The Wanderer

      Yeah, he’s lost it. Where are the guys in the white coats?

    • doggiedaddy

      As Trump is fond of saying – That’s what people are talking about, so it must be true.

  • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

    You shmucks laugh it up while you can. Trump thinks Kim’s ban on sarcasm is terrific, great, and he’ll institute the same when he is President/Glorious Golden Leader of the USA. And then no Wonkette for you!

    Which is bad for me, because I’m about 63% sarcasm and will probably evaporate into dust without my snark mob fix.

    • Only 63%? I am closer to 85%…all sarcasm. All the time

    • Tallmutha

      Does this ban apply to litotes?

      • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

        LOL, as if Trump had any idea what that word means.

      • kareemachan

        I now know what litotes means, but gotta wonder why someone thought they needed a word for this. Not that there shouldn’t be, but did some Greek sit around munching olives and spitting out the pits, take a drink of retsina and suddenly sit up and say, “Wowzies (in Greek, of course)! We need a word that means this!”

    • Mr. Blobfish

      With a 10% chance of irony by this afternoon.

      • Doug Langley

        And a distinct chance of a snarkado.

    • calliecallie

      If such a horror came to pass, we would surely form a snark underground.

      • Tallmutha

        And publish snarkizdat.

    • The Wanderer

      Yeah, The Yam probably believes that lese majeste laws are a damned fine idea, like what they have in Turkey and Thailand.

  • Manocide:_The_Vagenda_of_Fate

    If I speak to the fox will it send me on a quest?

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      Jacha-chacha-chacha-chow!
      Chacha-chacha-chacha-chow!
      Chacha-chacha-chacha-chow!
      What the fox say?

      Still more coherent than a Fox newscast.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    On the Wells Fargo thing…

    This shit will not stop happening until some execs do jail time for this.

    • kareemachan

      Hey, they fined them MILLIONS! Okay, yeah, that is chump change and execs need some ‘splainin’ to do.

  • Arolpin
  • (((JustPixelz)))

    While Guilliani was screaming, he said …
    — the FBI released its Clinton interview stuff on Memorial Day weekend
    — Ronald Reagan is running for POTUS
    — Hillary forgot her FBI exit interview
    — Hillary forgot her CIA exit interview
    — Hillary is very sick
    — He doesn’t know if Hillary is sick

    Something’s going on with his brain folks. And it’s not good.

    • mackafritz

      It’s Abby Normal.

    • My Mom is suffering from Dementia, Guilliani’s behaviours seem similar.

      Of course, he’s such a hateful prick, that I’m having great difficulty caring.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I worked for an organization allied with the Alzheimer’s Association for years and I know how stressful it can be. Please get yourself some respite time and take care of you, too!

        • Thank you. She’s in a Care facility in the town where my sister lives now. It’s been a tough year, but I can rest now myself.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      When someone claims Hilz broke 40 laws, they need to at least be able to name one. You can’t let something like that go. Instead, Tweety keeps harping on the birther nonsense.

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      It’s train-wreck-level sad. Almost as sad as those distraught families that lost their kids in Benghazi being exploited during the RNC shit-show. Somebody compassionate needs to get the Ghoul to a hospital.

    • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

      I only took one bite, really! It tasted sour and nasty, so I spit it back.

    • Aquaria

      He’s always been a little unhinged. It’s that age has given him less impulse control, common for old angry coots.

      • Stulexington

        Which is really the entire Republican Party in a nutshell right now.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Oh…and also, too…

    Trump says that Russia will absolutely 100%, not dick around with U.S. elections
    (except for those times it’s already dicked around with U.S.
    elections). He even went on Russian teevee to say it! Why would he lie?

    Because that’s what pathological liars DO.

  • dslindc

    Indeed:

    • MynameisBlarney

      All I want to know is, where is my watery tart and my sword?

      • dslindc

        I’m not sure, but if some moistened bint lobs a scimitar at you, I promise not to advocate for putting you away.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Thank you.
          That’s all I can ask.

          • Nadinewturner2

            Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !ro535f:
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !ro535f:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash785DirectRewardsGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!ro535f:….,……..

        • kareemachan

          I’ve just learned there is such a thing as shredder lubricant. Maybe it would work on scimitars?

      • Shan

        It’s flooding here and I have some scissors in my hand.

        • MynameisBlarney

          *raises eyebrow*

          I’m on may way!

        • Seems safe

          • Shan

            I’m sitting down.

          • But could you participate in office chair races using your chair?

          • Shan

            I could. But I suspect we would all lose very badly to the guy in the actual wheelchair.

          • Isabelsgay2

            Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !re417f:
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !re417f:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash727NetworkCapitalGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!re417f:….,…..

          • Blank Ron

            Wow, the price of Range Rovers has really dropped since the company was sold to India.

          • Are you Lori’s newest roommate?

        • PortTaiLand

          You’ve got my vote!

      • Doug Langley

        Would you settle for a watery sword and a tart?

        • MynameisBlarney

          Of course. Because, tart.

          • Doug Langley

            Take your pick. We have chocolate with sprinkles, red velvet, cinnamon roll, gingerbread, and frosted strawberry.

    • The Wanderer

      Vote Monarchist!

    • tehbaddr

      You can’t expect to wield supreme power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

  • Tallmutha

    In other news: Zika is bad, very bad. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be turned into a boon for law enforcement.

    • Shan

      Didn’t some other PD do that same trick with Ebola? And actually CAUGHT someone?

  • calliecallie

    My, what big ears you have, Baby Fox.

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    If Trump really wants African-American votes, he needs to say the words “I was wrong. Obama was born here.” Otherwise, his outreach is to actually to anti-racist whites.

    (Trump should also denounce Republican voter restriction laws.)

    • mackafritz

      How about saying “Black lives matter.”?

      • Tallmutha

        “I have a very good relationship with the blacks.” That should cover it.

      • MynameisBlarney

        He could that or any other conciliatory thing, but ain’t nobody gonna believe his lyin’ ass.

    • Yeah. That’ll happen.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      What Republicans don’t realize is what a big deal Obama’s election really is for people of African descent, not just African-Americans. My wife came here from Jamaica. She has a large family. They are not criminals. They do not live in flaming hellscapes. They are well educated. There are doctors, lawyers, reverends, pro athletes and everything in between.When you yell “YOU LIE”, when you call them thugs, when you try to block their voting, when you try to delegitimize the first black president, they notice. What the hell do you have to lose? Fuck that guy.

    • Rick Hill

      What will trump ACTUALLY do? I predict he will post a photo of him on his jet eating KFC.

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    I know what you’re thinkin’, Trump. Is Hillary winning five or six swing states? Well, in all the excitement, I kinda lost track myself. So you got ask yourself: What would Vlady do?

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      Do you feel lucky, Drumpf?

      • MynameisBlarney

        WELL DO YA?

    • Snark Tank

      Go ahead. Make my election day.

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    North Korea banned sarcasm!? Dear Leader Little Donnie wants to do the same.

    • Tallmutha

      But– but– That’s his primary means of lying communicating.

      • (((JustPixelz)))

        Trump does tell a lot of SARCASMS.

      • Longstreet63

        If the President does it, then it’s not illegal.
        Worked for Nixon, right?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Who needs sarcasm when you can just say mean shit out right and never face any consequences?”
      — Donald Trump

  • (((Gosala)))

    Trump’s go to technique is to accuse Clinton of everything he is guilty of.

    Trump claims Clinton is dying.

    Therefore, she weighs as much as a duck.

    • The Wanderer

      If she weighs as much as a duck, is she made of wood?

      • Blank Ron

        Let’s build a bridge out of her!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    From the McDonnell article:

    The court’s ruling set a higher bar for prosecuting public corruption and said explicitly that setting up meetings or arranging events for benefactors could not by themselves serve as a public official’s end of a corrupt bargain.

    “Unless your last name is Clinton, in which case you are double extra guilty.”
    — The New York Times, AP, Washington Post, NBC News, etc.

    • PortTaiLand

      How is the bar for public corruption so incredibly high? That was about an airtight case as I’ve ever seen and he still got off.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        It does seem like an extremely narrow reading of what amounts to an “official act” as specified in the bribery statute. But it was a unanimous decision by SCOTUS. Probably time to revisit the wording of the statute, but that won’t happen any time soon.

        Meanwhile, the “optics” of the Clinton Foundation are beyond redemption, according to our media.

  • kareemachan

    That’s not just a fox, it’s a FENNEC!!!!!

    I should have a bumper sticker that sez “I SQUEE OVER FENNECS!!!!”

    In reality, I think they are the cutest things EVER, but I’d never keep one as a pet – they are high-strong, high-maintenance, and mark their territory.

    • The Wanderer

      Yes, on all counts. But compared to red pandas, fennecs take second place.

  • Parchment Scroll

    I tried to read the story about Wells Fargo, but I kept getting distracted by the ad for Wells Fargo. I love content-sensitive advertising.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Wells Fargo, now with fewer criminals working for us!”

      • doggiedaddy

        Till the next time.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Well sure, they have a lot of job interviews to conduct to staff up on criminals again.

          • beatbort

            The comedy of this is that they’ve been caught.
            The tragedy of this is that no one will go to jail.

    • Fartknocker

      Jamie Dimon is wondering “why the hell didn’t I think of that.”

      • Aquaria

        Now Trump is wondering if he should start his own bank.

        Or maybe he’s already passed that point of desperation and is considering a pay day loan business.

  • SeeTrain65

    “Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon is-a … comin’ down the street,
    Oh, please let it be for me.”

    There you go. Crushing debt. You’re welcome.

  • The Wanderer

    Yes, fennecs are cute, but like all cute things, you have to careful. They’re usually little assholes. Exhibit A:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8jxc1732gY

  • Actually, the real question here is – if Tweety and the Ghoul rage-provoke each other into stroking out and they each simultaneously kak, when their heads make contact, will it sound like 2 melons, or 2 coconuts at the moment of impact?

    • The Wanderer

      Coconuts.

    • tehbaddr

      Rotting melons, squishing soundz!

  • O/T – When I bought my first Girl clothes in May of 2015, my first purchase was Size 18 Shorts, I loved them.

    Just this September 9, 2016 morning, I tried on a bikini I got from Amazon – size Small.

    It fits. :D

    • the Vagenda Manologues

      yay being comfortable with the body you have!

      • Thanx! I’ll always be a big girl, but eating better and walking every day have made a huge difference.

        • Tacosinencinitas

          Glad you’re happy. May your good looks last forever, but if they fade, may the beauty that’s on the inside glow ever brighter and make you just as happy.

    • Fartknocker

      Is it the bikini made from the white-cheeked spider monkey because those are on the Endangered species. But it’s colors would so work for you.

      • XD Naw, I’d never wear real fur.

      • Rick Hill

        “Those poor little monkeys who died so this could be made….but, Damn, I’m rockin this look!”

  • Bill Slider

    There’s a reason that in a recent public opinion survey of those you trust least, used car salesmen are more trustworthy than bankers.

  • the Vagenda Manologues

    Actually, I do love my country. I have serious reservations about whatever country Tomi Lahren lives in.

    • Gotta love Tomi Lahren-style dipshit “Patriotism”.

      I personally admire the QB and the Seahawks that are refusing to stand for the Anthem.

      It’s not “My country is Always Right”.

      It’s “Let’s make our Country do Better.”

      • the Vagenda Manologues

        I forget who said it, but my country, right or wrong, is pretty much the same statement as my mother, drunk or sober.

        You may love her. That doesn’t mean you give her the car keys.

  • Fartknocker

    Lovely article from the WaPo showing Turtle Boy and John “The Texas 2 Stepping Turdblossom” Cornholio taking about a shorter work week. Kind of reminds of the Wizard of Oz:

    If Dorothy met men with no brains – no heart and no courage, she wouldn’t be in Oz, she’d be in Congress,

    • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

      Follow the Yellow Derp road.

    • The Witch of Endor

      If we were still getting Comment of the Week you’d be my candidate.

      • Tacosinencinitas

        I’m glad we’re not. It still hurts that I didn’t make the logo.

  • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

    OT: Dr. Logan just gave me a new iPhone 7…where the hell is the goddamn headphone jack?!? Aaaah, just give me my tape recorder back…

    https://youtu.be/9ioE4DZvAlM

    • phoenix00

      Lucky you

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    “North Korea is screwing around with nuclear weapons again so be careful the next time you make fun of them, because they banned sarcasm.”

    Dominic, tell the boss lady that she might want to rethink the Wonkette satellite office in Pyongyang.

  • dslindc

    Speaking of Friday alcoholism:

    • Aquaria

      I see that they’re members of the country club my parents belonged to in the 70s.

    • Tacosinencinitas

      Who took this picture of my friend and I????

    • Candy Apple

      Me irl. Except tequila, not wine.

  • OT: HAPPY NICE TIME

    I’m going in the morning to meet these adorable lil’ rascals!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppn_jz-R9XI

    Ooooo whosagonna eated my face? Izza gwate big bad wolfie babies gonna eated my face? Ooo yes they is!

  • Courser

    You simply rock, Dominic! Happy Friday to you!

  • eyelashviper

    A brief view of Trump’s first ten days in office, just after removing 11 million immigrants. Note Sarah’s laptop, open to serious work as Energy Czar….solitaire:

    http://a.disquscdn.com/uploads/mediaembed/images/4225/5384/original.jpg

    • ViveLaRes

      I prefer to think of this picture as Group Therapy Hour at the Home for Unemployed Wingnuts No One Ever Has to Hear From Again.

    • tehbaddr

      You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        I do hope you’re referring to the humanoids in the picture, rather than Scotland. Otherwise, I might take offence. We send all our scum and villains to London, where they fit right in.

        • Candy Apple

          And London sent them to the American South after the Highland Clearances, where, some 200-odd years later, they would vote for Donald Trump. :(

    • PortTaiLand

      Voldemort libelz!!!!

    • Tacosinencinitas

      Needz moar cthulhu.

    • Candy Apple

      Voldemort, Rush and Michele Bachman. This is frighteningly accurate.

      • eyelashviper

        Lots of good details, including the pointed KKK hood just outside the door.

    • Aniline

      What’s on Rush’s laptop?

      • eyelashviper

        Can’t tell, and that can in front of him….sure to be high on the ick scale

      • jmk

        Porn.

  • Mezzavagenda

    Famous Donna Rose fan Mika Brzezinski has had it with Trump. Also included, human hair all Chuck Todd pretends he has journalistic integrity. Or is just trying to fit in.
    https://www.rawstory.com/2016/09/watch-as-mika-brzezinski-finally-hits-her-breaking-point-with-trumps-lies-its-not-funny-anymore/

    • I Only Like Cats

      I can’t get the embedded video to load. Or even show up. Now I’m sad.

    • Candy Apple

      Uh-oh, Trump is gonna start saying mean things about Mika’s face.

  • SDGeoff

    More babby foxes please.

    • Me not sure

      Was that fox wearing an earpiece? I think that fox was wearing an earpiece.

    • Me not sure

      Was that fox wearing an earpiece? I think that fox was wearing an earpiece. FALSE FLAG FOX!

      • SDGeoff

        Lol!

    • Tacosinencinitas

      Do we have the best zoo or what??

      • SDGeoff

        We sure do. And I can walk there in twenty minutes! My sister drives one if the double decker tour buses. She has stories.

        • Tacosinencinitas

          It’s been too, too long since I’ve been there. I’m due for a visit. Yeah, I bet your sister’s stories are awesome. Tourists, animals, children, sticky food… It’s all coming together for me…

  • Panika MCD

    ahem. Texas did the transvaginal sonogram requirement well before Virginia failed to. the bill was filed by our current Ag Commissioner Sid Miller who is hilarious, but should not be in a position of any power whatsoever. Miller was defeated because no one in his district thought forced sonograms were a good idea even if they still vote red. his successor is J. D. Sheffield who makes fun of the anti-vaxxers because he is a real life doctor and also too thought the sonograms were stupid. I don’t have a full list of moderate Republicans who would have voted against HB2 were it not for the whole “Hail Satan” thing, but you can bet he was one of the 35 referred to as someone who really wanted to vote against it. in any case, Miller is Mr. Transvaginal Sonograms alone with all the other stupid things he says.

  • Kim Jong Un is the geopolitical equivalent of Ramsay Bolton.

  • Candy Apple

    I am really growing to love these Nice Time baby animal videos.

  • Fix link to Chris Matthews and Giuliani.

Previous articleHillz, Interrupted: Matt Lauer Not Very Good At Doing Journamalism
Next articleLooks Like Donald Trump’s Statements About Intelligence Briefings Are A Buncha Horsesh*t