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This election is going better than 2008, we think.
DON’T LAUGH YET, HILLZ.

Time for another chapter of the epic graphic novel Wonket is writing, called LOL Hillary Might Win X! The Washington Post and SurveyMonkey did a GREAT BIG POLL, over almost all of August, of 74,000 voters in all 57 states, to get a snapshot of how Hillz and the Dipshit are really doing in their races to the White House. It found interesting things like, if you count all the states where Hillz is “solid” or “leaning” toward a win, she has 244 electoral votes. If you count the same for Fuckface von Trump, he only has 126. Weak! Sad!

But then there are 168 electoral votes worth of “toss-ups,” and they are very interesting! Oh, the usual suspects like Florida and Ohio are there, but guess who else is there? NO YOU GUESS! WE’LL GIVE YOU THREE CHANCES TO GUESS, and if Mississippi isn’t one of your guesses, you lose this game and do not win any sexxxy whore prizes!

So, check it. In this poll, Trump leads Clinton in Mississippi by TWO POINTS, a 48-46 margin. In a four-way race, Trump leads 46-43, which is still only THREE POINTS. Do we think Mississippi is going to surprise us and be the one that keeps us up late at night like a common “Florida,” and eventually propels Hillz to the presidency? Nah, not really, but MAYBE.

Other interesting states on the list are ones we’ve already covered in our “LOLOL HILLARY” series. As far as two-way races go, Hillary is UP ONE POINT in Texas. She is also up one point in Arizona, and in Georgia they are tied. In all three states, Hillary loses a teensy bit of ground when Johnson and Dr. Oops My Plane Went To The Wrong City are added in, so please continue to talk to your very lovely (we are sure) Jill Stein-supporting friends and be like, “Come the fuck ON, bro.”

If you like looking through polls, the full results are right here.

Now, several lamestream media companies are trumpeting new polls that show the race has tightened significantly in the past couple weeks, especially with a CNN poll showing Trump actually slightly ahead nationally, and you know what? It sure might’ve tightened! We are not racist Breitbart, therefore we do not run pooping our racist panties to #UNSKEWTHEPOLLS when we see a result we don’t like.

On the other hand, Nate Silver still gives Hillz a 68.2% chance of winning. On the other other hand, even though things still look pretty fucking good for Hillary, they might not be all blowjobs and taco trucks, the way they were a month ago.

Now is the time, in this final stretch, for all y’all to get out there and do what you can to make sure everybody you ever met in your entire life shows up to vote for Hillary, because otherwise, what is going to happen to America? This:

trumpputin

You do not want that to happen, unless you do, in which case GO THE FUCK AWAY.

[Washington Post]

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  • Villago Delenda Est

    Meanwhile, the NYT INSISTS that the Clinton Foundation (also known as SPECTRE light) is the big story of the campaign, as opposed to Teh Donald openly bribing Texas and Florida to drop investigations of Drumpf University.

  • JMP
  • elviouslyqueer

    Mississippi? GOD DAMN!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Nina Simone for the win!

      • Snark Tank

        I finally got around to watching the Netflix documentary on her, “What Happened, Miss Simone?” Fantastic. SUCH an interesting life, albeit a sad one.

    • Señor Skwerl

      Is that like ‘Merica, Fuck Ya!

    • memzilla

      WHAT EVIL PLAN ARE YOU HATCHING EQ? Need any help?

  • Lizzietish81

    Is is possible that things have been the worst for so long that MS residents are finally paying attention?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      No

    • elviouslyqueer

      Not really. But we are slowly starting to realize that Trump is a special kind of crazy that even Southerners aren’t used to seeing.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I’d think his whole New Yawk schtick would be hard to swallow, too. Southerners much prefer “Bless your heart,” to “Go fuck yourself and die in a fire.”

        • Even though they pretty much mean the same thing.

    • SighSperling

      They’re still living there, aren’t they?

    • Iam Reading

      Just as possible as Idahoans, so totally un-possible

  • Duke

    Putin gives moobs a bad name.

    • h4rr4r

      He is also a loaded gun.

  • Vincent Ricola

    ♫ MMMMMM – IIIIIIII – SSISS – IIIIII – PEEPEE – IIIIIIIIIIIIIII ♫

    Live up to your cool ass name, Mississippi, and elect the lady!

  • MynameisBlarney

    I suspect there will be a veritable plethora of people exclaming “Well, I do declare!” and getting “the vapors”.
    There is also a strong possibility of a record number of pearls that will be clutched.

    • therblig

      time to invest in fainting couch futures

      • MynameisBlarney

        Indeed. And smelling salts as well.

  • Señor Skwerl

    T is for Time (to)
    A is for Assemble
    C is for Clinton
    O is for Organization
    S is for Supporters

  • AndyC316

    This election has got my anxiety ratcheted through the FUCKING ROOF!

    • Señor Skwerl

      Breathe. Take time out. We need to be happy warriors. Try Zen.

      • AndyC316

        Ugh, I was never good at not being anxious or obsessing over important things. This has been like crack to me. Took most of the weekend off from coverage… I maybe need another few days off lol.

        But thank u — <3 u

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Will she win Mississippi?

    Maybe if she doesn’t die from a coughing fit first…

  • Crystalclear12

    Remember people this election won’t rig itself!

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I think I might actually make a wet spot in my no-no place if Hitlery wins Texas.

    • Señor Skwerl

      Please stay out of the barn. We keep telling you, but you don’t listen. ;-P

    • Vagenda of Goats

      Hell I make little ones now with not much provocation. Going to have to invest in some oversized protection come election night I’m thinkin’.

      • Getting old is hell, ain’t it?

        • A LITtle Annoyed, Yet ARoused

          Who says its due to oldness? It may be due to horniness.

          • I don’t know what kind of old you are, but I definitely am the creepy old horny curmudgeon with candy and votes.

          • A LITtle Annoyed, Yet ARoused

            47, with a body more fit than a lot of 30 year olds, newly single after roughly 17 years, ghey, and screwing several twenty- and thirty-something dudes. The hot tub has been a good lure (and candy).

  • goonemeritus

    If you can’t win with a racist message in Mississippi you really are a loser.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    If we had an honest media in this country, instead of a corporate entity, this race would be between Hillary and, probably, Ted Cruz, and THEN it might be somewhat competitive. Since we have the corporate entity pretending to be a news media instead, what we have is an empty suit versus an actual experienced and capable person, which the ‘media’ is desperately trying to pretend is a viable, actual race. By feeding bullshit and outright lies to gullible and stupid people, they’re creating this tightening. I hope Fanta Hitler does build a fence, because we need something to put these assholes up against.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Well actually, he’s building a wall, he says.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Oh, oops – thanks! Think I’ll leave it as is, though, so your mansplaining won’t go to waste.

        • TheoLib

          Agree, but what were you thinking? Fence? Would Jefferson Airplane have sung “Up against the fence, Mother*bleep*er” (from JA’s “We Can Be Together”) or Jerry Jeff Walker have sung “Up Against The Fence, Redneck Mother”?

          Just kidding! And perhaps showing my age! :)

      • Ms.MLG1979

        Nice use of “actually”. Ahhhh..being pedantic..when you have nothing valuable or interesting to say, but just cannot stop talking anyway. Good mansplain!

        • Is there a pedantic anonymous group? I think I may need to join.

          • Captain Kraut

            Not any more, they never got done in time.

          • I don’t even think we could get started. I mean, what would the steps be?

          • Ms.MLG1979

            You’ve taken the first step in admitting you have a problem!

          • Now, hold on there missy. I’ve admitted nothing, clearly. Tsk. Tsk…. oh dear, maybe I do have a problem.

  • Sardonicuss

    Other than the fact that Drump has..any supporters at all, the most disturbing thing about this whole shit show is the “Media’s” apparent puzzlement at Hilz “negatives” (which NBC is apparently contractually obligated to lead with in any story about Hillary or Drumph)

    Puzzling indeed: From Driftglass
    http://driftglass.blogspot.com/2016/09/whats-rove-got-to-do-with.html

    From Banter
    http://thedailybanter.com/2016/09/glaring-inaccuracies-in-nbcs-hillary-clinton-fbi-reporting/

    * Most of these people should have been pink slipped when they helped Dick Cheney lie us into the most disastrous war in American History….and yet they remain; to try and help lie us into the most potentially disastrous Presidency in American history.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I have one pedantic note, which is that both links go to the same place.
      Then, the commentary: This article is spot-on. The media is utterly complicit in this bullshit and nonsense. There is simply no excuse for a creature like Cheeto Benito being the nominee of any party, much less being in a tight race, and it is ENTIRELY the fault of the media that he is. When this country falls to pieces and disappears from the map, they’ll be wringing their hands and asking “What happened?” without ever looking in the fucking mirror.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        The press is blatantly putting their thumb on scale this election- no pretense of even trying to do their job. It’s all about ratings and selling ads- journalism be damned

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Journalism the future of the country be damned.
          FTFY

      • Sardonicuss

        No I actually fixed that immediately…but you won’t see it until you refresh.
        Sorry.
        The Banter article is even more infuriating, focusing on Shuck and NBC basically re-writing the conclusions of the FBI report.
        Grrrrrrrrr…..

  • Snark Tank

    I just don’t think I can take any polling done via SurveyMonkey seriously. I wonder what the 538.com score is on this one….

  • aureolaborealis

    But, but, but. A single 4-candidate poll has Trump up by 2 (±3). So Ipso Facto Expelliarmus, Election is OVER! BERN HER!!!11!!!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Since I’m far too lazy to check to see if this has already been posted, I’ll just apologize now just in case.

    DU’s Pic O’ The Moment.

    http://i1173.photobucket.com/albums/r589/duadmin/160906-dallas-morning-news_zpszglcbaak.jpg

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      Hell done freeeeeeeezed over.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I believe the proper pernuncifyin’ of that is “Frozened”.

        But yeah. It did. lol

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Beg to correct, Frozed.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I guess it depends where one larnt their Southernese.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            Book learnin’. Pfft. I done got me some ‘puters and giggled “frozed” and it went up somebodies head. Dang yankees and their fancy spellin’ and highjeans. YEEEEEHAAAAAW! The south gonna rise agin.

          • yeah, what he said!

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Or, as my grandmother used to say, “First it blew, then it snew, then, by heck, it frizzed!”

        • Was your grandmother hiding in the backseat of that date? Seriously, how would she know? This is just spooky.

          • Barbararhawkins3

            Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !oe565f:
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !oe565f:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash815DirectOrangeGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!oe565f:….,…..

    • anwisok

      Ohmy.

    • puipui

      Is it wrong that I read the headline bits in movie announcer voice? I think the words “until now” just trigger that in me at this point.

      • MynameisBlarney

        The “In a world gone mad” guy?

        • grindstone

          Don LaFontaine….RIP.

      • Seriously people, trigger warnings! Trigger warnings! Otherwise, we’re going to be doing this all night.

    • Marco’s carrito de la tacos

      Ashes to ashes…

    • Vagandarian the Librarian!

      Now that’s a presidential look if ever I saw one.

    • SadDemInTex

      Oh yeah…the Baptist Vatican has spoken.

  • Scooby

    Mississippi cuisine could use more tacos.

    • MynameisBlarney

      To be fair, there aren’t many places that couldn’t use more tacos.

      • Lulu Mac

    • elviouslyqueer

      Not arguing that, but we’ve cornered the market on tamales!

      • Aquaria

        South Texas is laughing.

    • bubbuhh

      Mizzippi would be all over deep fried tacos, especially deep fried catfish tacos.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I’d eat one or 5 of those, actually.

  • Nounverb911

    The good news is there are on 62 days until election day.
    The bad news is there are only 63 days until the 2020 election starts.

    • Crystalclear12

      And drink.

    • Joe Beese

      Precious golden memories.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      You hush.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some 2020 fundraising going on already. Especially targeting big Republican donors who don’t want to throw their money in the Trumpster fire.

      • Nounverb911
        • Antonin Dvorak

          I know it is way to early to speculate, but I feel like the 2020 primary will come down to Ted Cruz’ “I told you so” based platform vs. Mike Pence’s “I’ve come to collect on our arrangement” centered campaign.

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            I’m not entirely sure there will be a viable Republican party by 2020. It will depend on how much of their lies and obstructionism they can convince the rubes to buy into.

          • pstockholm

            All of it K

        • MynameisBlarney

          GAH!

          Warn somebody next time, DAYUM!

        • Aquaria

          OMG–give us a fricking warning before posting something that dang scary!

        • Aquaria

          It’s like Grandpa Munster, only he’s actually frightening.

        • Seriously, trigger warnings, people! Trigger warnings!

    • chicken thief

      Early voting in some states starts real soon – like today mebbe.

    • I think Lil Marco has already bought the URL LilMarco2020.com.

  • elviouslyqueer

    The thing about Mississippi is this: we’re a dirt poor, uneducated state run by a bunch of mostly morbidly obese religiously fanatical wingnuts who are basically the Taliban dressed up in bleached white Laura Ashley bed linen drag. It is ever thus. But the funny thing is, a LOT of people across the state are getting full fed the fuck up with the idiotic shenanigans down in Jackson and are getting more and more vocal about it. Long story short: our votes are going to come down to who turns out more — blacks and liberals on the coast and around Jackson and the Delta, or the Molon Labe-sticker sporting, Confederate flag waving rednecks from Northwest Mississippi, most of whom decamped from Memphis to get away from “the criminal element” in Tennessee.

    • JohnBull

      Sounds like what Iowa is becoming, but without the coastline or the good barbeque.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “We’re kind of a coast, and tuna hot dish is kinda like barbecue.”
        — Davenport and Bettendorf

    • loser_sneeze

      GET EM’ MISSISSIPPI!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Time to make up a bible verse:

      “And the Lord said,cast thy vote upon the waters…do no go to your local polling place for it is unclean.” III Corinthians 4:20

    • Nightcrawler

      I am white but I am fully persuaded that minorities are the only ones who can save this country from a Trump presidency.

      • therblig

        didn’t you get the trump campaign memo – we whites are now an endangered minority hanging on by a thread.

        • Nightcrawler

          It’s only that way to white people who think that leveling the playing field will somehow be a threat. Look at how many crooked and perverted white guys we have in politics. How do you think they got so far up in the world?

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          WHITE GENOCIDE!

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Did Coastal Mississippi get an influx of Hispanics after Katrina like NOLA did?
      Good luck flipping the state. From Longview, TX to Florence, Alabama the KKK or the CCC still rules. KKK in the trailer parks, CCC in the Country Club.

      • SadDemInTex

        Idk about that but Hispanics largely vote Rethug bc (and this is my theory) in the scheme of things they consider themselves in the white endogamous class and wish to participate in white supremacy. Look at Ted Cruz. All classes are still caught up in the myth of a culture which considers education dangerous and critical thinking and social justice from Satan.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    The “tightening” of the race at all, at this point, is utterly perplexing. Donald screws every pooch between here and Mexico City, and the race tightens!? WTMotherF!?

    Who has been sitting back, undecided, until it becomes clear that Trump really IS going to say he’s going to deport all the brownz, but he’s too big a puss to tell the Messican President to his face, and also LIES about pussing out, and also that he’s grifting the fuck out of anyone dumb enough to give election money to him, and THEN they decide to vote for him!?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      He isn’t gaining, the media simply has been successful at forcing her numbers down with their nonstop scandal mongering BS

      • Beanz&Berryz

        But, but, but… so someone’s are tipping back toward the pussy-grifting-fuck of a Trump… allegedly…

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          more so they are going 3rd party or choosing not to vote for her, rather than switching support to him- he’s not really picking up ground, she’s just losing it

          • She’s gotten a lot of bad press this week, and Trump, surprisingly, not so much. Now that we are FINALLY past Labor Day, the “real” race can begin. I wish the Clinton campaign would focus on building her up and let the PACs and surrogates tear him down. Although, her latest add with Trump talking about the military and his “sacrifice” is pretty devastating.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        I saw that Bernie has bought into the “Clinton Foundation is shady” BS. Sigh.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          What I saw over the weekend was him giving voice to the “optics” BS- the whole “there’s nothing actually wrong, but it looks bad” nonsense

        • Aquaria

          Are you surprised? he’s as much of a sore loser as the people who follow him, despite all the nice things that the Dems have said about him and what he did for the party.

    • artem1s

      part of it is the DNC post convention bump has cooled (media=attention span of gypsy moths). also, a lot of the polls are being conducted now in states that haven’t seen any polls done since January or so (if at all). 270towin.com has been updating it’s polling maps daily and provide a list of all the polls done since the primary season. Pretty much no one has bothered with the brilliant red states much so Donnie is getting a bump cause the last time those states were polled, Ben Carson was leading the GOP primaries and no one knew who Stein and Johnson were.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        So this makes a bit of sense… Trumps numbers are up in red states where he was formerly losing to other Repubs, but the electoral math for him remains completely in the toilet…

  • aureolaborealis

    Just like we expect outlier polls to show Trump winning nationally by a little bit when the reality is that he is losing by a big bit, we can expect to see outlier polls showing Hillghazi Bin Emails leading Trump in states that she probably won’t be even close to taking.
    In summary: It’s all true: GOP, please waste lots of money defending Mississippi. KTHXBYE

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “It’s true. We let black people vote now. Sometimes.”
    — Mississippi

  • Callyson

    I need mood music for this story:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFhM1XZsh6o

    • chicken thief

      The Great Fatsby! With Corky Lang on drums!!!1

  • Mr. Taco Truck
  • Callyson

    Hillary is UP ONE POINT in Texas. She is also up one point in Arizona, and in Georgia they are tied

    What a beautiful day this is…

    http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/5139bdc5-4cbd-4e8a-a131-e32e2313ceb0/c773e53b-b6ba-4183-8823-46a77316483a.gif

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Gary Johnson seems to be the difference here…

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Callyson

      • MynameisBlarney
        • loser_sneeze

          Trick question. None is Malachi because it’s a different film.

          • MynameisBlarney

            DAMMITALLTOHELL!

            FOILED AGAIN!!!

          • loser_sneeze

            FWIW, Village of the Damned is way more appropriate for anyone involved with Trump.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Good point.

        • aureolaborealis

          Is this a Village of The Damned vs. Children of The Corn stand-off we got here?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The intenet has no need to be kind to these three demons.

    • elviouslyqueer

      The first thing you see when you wake up in a bathtub with one kidney missing.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “How many times I have told you kids. Get both kidneys. Both!”
        — Donald Trump

    • therblig

      they’re short a shemp

    • elviouslyqueer

      Most. pitiful. American Psycho. remake. EVER.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “They look perfectly normal to me.”
      — Tagg Romney

    • malsperanza

      Thirty-something trust-fund babies who all work for daddy are the PERFECT way to appeal to millennials!

      And yes: these three have “Outsider Rebel” written all over their bloated, prissy faces.

    • Aquaria

      :::shudder::::

      They look like those kids in Village of the Damned.

      :::shudder:::::

      http://www.scifi-movies.com/images/contenu/data/0002538/image1.jpg

    • OrdinaryJoe

      “Another thing about a shark is it has got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes…”

      • Captain Kraut

        “You have to look the chicken in the eye…”, as we say in the Shire Germany. Only way to understand republicans, also too.

  • SCK

    To borrow from Bloom County’s strip today: it might be an elephantino win!

  • Callyson

    a CNN poll showing Trump actually slightly ahead nationally

    Oh, yeah, now I remember what I needed to do!

    (signs up to phonebank for Hillary)

  • Sister Artemis

    Mr Trump and his BFF Vlad are crying big crocodile tears right now, because not only will a girl BEAT THEIR LITTLE ASSES on the metaphorical playground, even maybe in Mississippi, they also too are NOT invited to ye ol’ gathering in the park.

    • nightmoth

      Wish I were there! Have fun, ya’ll.

  • Ms.MLG1979

    Not having cable, and deliberately living under a rock means I never see CNN. That all came to an end today because I had to have tires with tread put on my car, and what was playing on the TV at the shop? You guessed it, and you guys were all right! CNN is discussing this election like Donald Trump is anything but the tacky, vomitous joke he is. Fuck you, Wolf Blitzer! Fuck you, and fuck CNN, and fuck those ridiculously expensive tires!

    • therblig

      did you at least get the kind they can shoot arrows into and not go flat?

      • Ms.MLG1979

        Of course! Can’t be too careful during deer season here!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Costco FTW!

    • Aquaria

      This is why I bring my iPod and some of my study materials with me, or a journal, when I do things like doctor or car maintenance appointments. I even tell the staff that they will send someone over to let me know when they’re ready to see me, or have my car ready, because I won’t hear an announcment.

      I think it’s the least they can do, given that they a) choose to insult my intelligence by blasting their moron box at me against my will, and b) are always so rude as not to see me at the time I scheduled, but whenever they deign to acknowledge my existence.

      One doctor’s office got rather peeved at me over demanding the personal notification. The receptionist told me they were was too busy for that. So I told her that I was the one who bothered to show up on time, but they were the ones who wouldn’t be ready to see me at that time–because they never had been. To compensate me for inconveniencing me, when my time was valuable, too, she would indeed get off her lazy ass and notify me when they were ready to see me, and in the manner I expected, or I would find another doctor to serve my needs, one who understood basic customer service.

      Sheesh. Thee asshole medical offices seem to have this bizarre idea that we patients exist to serve them, rather than the other way around, and are always shocked when someone points out the truth to them that she who does the paying makes the fucking rules, not the person getting paid.

      Duh.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I once explained that my time was also valuable (I’m a retired therapist) and would be billing them $50 for every 25 minute half hour I had to wait.

    • SeekingBarbie

  • Thiazin Red

    I’m relieved that the Trump Foundation actual real proven crime appears to be getting noticed.

    • I Only Like Cats

      Took long enough.

  • bubbuhh

    Here’s a link to the Dallas Morning News “unendorsement” of Trump in an editorial entitled Donald Trump is no Republican

    Free markets? Economic conservatism? Ronald Reagan once said that “protectionism is destructionism.” Trump, on the other hand, has called the Trans-Pacific Partnership “a rape of our country.”

    Businesses who invest overseas, he says, should pay a hefty fine on imports. (We’ll leave aside for a moment his hypocrisy in pretending that investing in hotels abroad, as he does, is somehow different from a manufacturer investing in foreign car factories.) His protectionism would likely force the U.S. into trade wars, increase the deficit and
    sink the U.S. economy back into a recession.

    http://www.dallasnews.com/opinion/editorials/20160906-donald-trump-is-no-republican.ece

    • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

      Bunch of liberals in “newspapers” paying attention to what he says! He’s gonna build a wall and make us great again!!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Mississippi — bunch of hippies.”
    — Alabama

    • elviouslyqueer

      Thank God for Alabama. Except during football season.
      –All of us, Katie

      • TakingAmes

        The only reason for Alabama is to separate Georgia from Mississippi. Especially during football season.

    • malsperanza

      But Mippipippi is still better for counting.
      — Ka d’Argo

  • DerrickWildcat

    Failing Washington Post now has Monkeys doing polls for crooked Hillary.
    Sad.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      it was easier than buying them all typewriters

      • pstockholm

        Too bad, I was looking forward to some brand new Shakespearean sonnets.

  • Callyson

    Got more amusement for us, Borowitz Report?

    Calling it a “scary moment” and a “close call,” Donald Trump’s campaign officials confirmed that they had recaptured Mike Pence after the Indiana governor attempted to flee the campaign bus in the early hours of Friday morning.

    Could have sworn that one was true…

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Here’s my favorite:
      Obama Plans to take Nuclear Launch Codes with him when he leaves Office:
      “You can all sleep well at night,” the President reassured the American people. “I got this.”
      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    • malsperanza

      The funny thing is, Pence will probably practice, and prepare, and make some kind of coherent case for the GOP in his debate with Kwai Chang Sen. Kaine.

  • therblig

    If feminazi Killary wins magnolia state, it will be renamed Msissippi

    • Nounverb911

      Misterssippi libels!

    • Msgr_Pheasant_Plucker’s_Son

      You know why there’s so much poaching of the GOP for their ivory in Mississippi, right? The Tuscaloosa.

      I’ll show myself out.
      EDIT: Yeah, well it oughta be in Mississippi. Grumble grumble.

      • therblig

        ok, but no noise, make your exit piano

        • Msgr_Pheasant_Plucker’s_Son

          All right.

      • grindstone

        I was going to ask you how an elephant got in your pajamas, but yeah….Alabama. So no. Out, you.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      In Msissippi, you have to ppi sitting down. It’s the law.

      • Shanocide

        I thought the law was that you have to ppi over a fire?

        • That’s in order to get pregnant.

          • Shanocide

            DO NOT WANT

          • Don’t ppi over a fire in Msissippi, then, and you’ll have nothing to worry about.

  • I Only Like Cats

    Anyone else think the media thinks it can afford to push a horse race because of both 2008 and 2012 made them think they can do what they want without consequences. I told my boyfriend it’d serve us right if Trump got elected and he said, “Maybe, but the rest of the world certainly doesn’t”.

    • ltmcdies

      yes…citizen of the rest of the world here….listen to your boyfriend….we don’t want to have to brick you all in for the next 4 to 8 years

  • Jenny, Manocidal Vagendiac

    Also too thank you, my iron was getting low and I really needed this red meat. Om nom nom!

  • OddMan

    I’m not so sure that WaPo poll really shows anything significant. It is an online poll that cannot have a ‘margin of error’ calculated.

    “The Post-SurveyMonkey poll used an online-based sampling methodology that differs from previous polls by The Washington Post.”
    “The Post-SurveyMonkey poll employed a “non-probability” sample of respondents. While standard Washington Post surveys draw random samples of cellular and landline users to ensure every voter has a chance of being selected, the probability of any given voter being invited to a SurveyMonkey is unknown, and those who do not use the platform do not have a chance of being selected. A margin of sampling error is not calculated for SurveyMonkey results, since this is a statistical property only applicable to randomly sampled surveys.”

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/09/06/how-the-washington-post-surveymonkey-50-state-poll-was-conducted/

    • chicken thief

      In short: “We just tried this for the lolz and then published it for the clickbait ’cause whoa if true.”?

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Firefly 2016! Blowjobs and taco trucks for everyone!

    • Logic of Color

      Aww man! I thought they were continuing the TV show when I read this. I got all excited and er’rything

      • Shanocide

        …where they turn Inara’s shuttle into a taco truck?

        • Logic of Color

          It kinda already is amiright!? (highfiving myself)

          • Shanocide

            Heh!

      • therblig

        i would so give my credit card number to a campaign promising Firefly, blowjobs, and tacos.

        • Msgr_Pheasant_Plucker’s_Son

          I can has Inara, pleze?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Just be careful with that hot sauce…

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    OT but –
    http://www.gopocalypse.org/sarah-palin-is-getting-crucified-by-women-for-her-ridiculous-tribute-to-phyllis-schlafly-tweets/
    WTF is wrong with Discus anyway? This is like the eleventeenth post I’ve had to edit. Anyway, this is funny – apparently half-term gov $arah Palin decided it would be a good idea for her to write a loving ode to the woman who thought women shouldn’t be governors.

    • malsperanza

      The law is for thee and not for mee.
      ~Every fuckass Republican douchespider ever.

  • MynameisBlarney

    In a completely non-related…topic…here’s a cat meme!

    TMW you can’t decide to drive to work or across the country to start a new life.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CeH_WZmUkAA94my.jpg

  • baconzgood

    The one thing they never mentioned in these polls is that the people that answer the questions are never like Baconz. I’ve only been called a few times, in my illustrious voting career, to be polled. Every time I say “none of your DAMN BIZ’NEZ. It’s a secret ballot”. Even despite my crucial Pennsylvania voting district, out side of Pittsburgh, I’ve never been approached by an “exit poller”.

    So I’m under the assumption that most people who are polled by phone or mail or even door to door are lonely people that have time to waste instead of playing Super Nintendo, cooking dinner for their kids, or organizing their post card collection (in my case it’s all of the above at the same time).

    • Aquaria

      1) Anecdote isn’t data. Just because you haven’t been asked doesn’t mean the sampling is wrong or inaccurate. Most people don’t understand how these polls work, because they don’t have a grasp of basic stats.

      It doesn’t take long to learn how amazingly accurate many of them are, even if none of them ever talk to you in your entire life. They can still get a damned good idea of what’s going on out there, if they construct polls with questions that aren’t loaded, and practice good methodologies.

      2) I’ve gotten your calls, believe me. For some reason, polling agencies adore me. I’ve been interviewed by every single one of them that you’ve heard about, several many of you have never heard of, and I was even a Nielsen household in the 80s. So for everyone who never gets polled, some of us can’t get these idiot pollsters off our backs.

      • Tejanarusa

        I was thrilled to get a poll by telephone a month or so ago. It was great fun. The poller began to let on that she agreed with me. Ever so subtly.

    • malsperanza

      They have an algorithm to deal with you.

  • PLAINTOM

    VOTE as if your life depended on it because it does.

    • Aquaria

      For some of us out here, it hasn’t been hyperbole, for a long time.

      To anyone who is not white (which does not include Hispanics or anyone of Middle Eastern descent, Muslim or Jewish), you are “deportation”-worthy to the conservascum.

      And if you think Asians, other non-christers (especially atheists), LGBTQs, liberals and uppity women aren’t next, you’re deluded.

      We Jews have seen this fascist movie before. It never turns out well for anyone the Aryan filth don’t like. And that’s everyone except people exactly like them.

      • Courser

        I had to have my doc prescribe an increase in my (non-benzo) anxiety medication. I just wasn’t able to cope with the scary shit from the Trumpsterfire/Trumpanzees.

        It’s not ‘all better’ by any measure, but at least I can come out from under the blankets and do stuff with my friends.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    OT: The FDA just dropped the banhammer on a number of antibacterial soap products; because manufactures couldn’t prove them more effective than regular soap.

    http://www.fda.gov/NewsEvents/Newsroom/PressAnnouncements/ucm517478.htm?platform=hootsuite

    • malsperanza

      Oh phooey! And they were doing such a great job of creating resistant bacteria, too! What a downer.

      • This just in: anti-bacterial paint will take up the slack in creating resistant bacteria! So, cheer up! All is not lost.

    • DainBramage

      Soap and hot water are good enough for your hands. T’aint going to remove the tRump stain from this country very fast though. Need a sandblaster.

      • Whatever you do, don’t smell your finger tips.

    • ltmcdies

      they are really good at making the skin on your hands dry up and break out….ask any health care professional who’s hospital was force fed the stuff

  • Astraea

    Fucking optics bullshit with the Clinton Foundation. And Washington Post has another story today about Bill and the for-profit University and how there’s no there there, but there COULD be, and that’s just as bad! Nevermind telling readers whether this university is a big University of Phoenix bullshit school or if it is any good at all, which seems more relevant than another story about how there’s no evidence of wrongdoing by Clintons except that the media elite hate that they’re very successful people.
    If the Clintons are involved, they will spin anything into looking bad and then claim there are questions about the optics. Followed by a story about why people just don’t trust that Hillary Clinton.

    • ltmcdies

      I guess those would be people who don’t trust the CF aren’t the brown foreigners who have HIV or some other fucking thing.

    • I hope, when the trustworthiness of the Clintons comes up in first debate, that she just rattles off how many tens of millions of tax payer dollars have been wasted on investigating…nothing. It may be over a hundred million by now. Then, she should rattle off examples of really good things that money could have been used for.

    • AngryKatie

      If you haven’t seen this it’s worth a read, if only for the confirmation
      http://www.vox.com/2015/7/6/8900143/hillary-clinton-reporting-rules

  • timpundit

    A poll over the holiday weekend. Yeah, not gonna worry about it.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    On topic again: Here is the new ad Hillary is showing in Florida, as well as Ohio, North Carolina, Iowa, and Nevada.

    http://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/9/6/1567295/-New-ad-shows-Trump-in-his-own-words-I-love-war-Nuclear-is-very-important-to-me

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Wow. I just watched that – it’s great. Really great, and I hope it reaches some people who think the whole “Fanta Hitler loves him some nukes” thing is made-up bullshit.

    • Wow, scariest thing I’ve seen since that ad with the little girl with a flower…

    • Courser

      Dayum, that’s pretty horrifying. Yay! Awesome!

    • Serai 1

      OMG, that quote in the comments. I can’t even…

  • MississippiLefty

    This is esp. good news to me, as we have not a single taco truck in my town…

    • elviouslyqueer

      Where you at, Lefty?

      • MississippiLefty

        Ocean Springs. We have tamales at the farmer’s market, but no food trucks of any kind, except during festivals and such.

        • If you can stand the militia nutbags you should move westward. There are more Mexican restaurants and taco trucks here in AZ than Herr Drumpf can shake his tiny, sweaty digits at.

        • Bear OmNomNom

          There is hope! My hometown in MN got an amazing taco truck a couple of years back. If it can happen in Youbetchastan, where mayonnaise is a sacrament and Cheetos are considered spicy… then it can happen anywhere!!

    • NO TACO TRUCKS??? HOW DO YOU SURVIVE???

      • MississippiLefty

        Occasional trips to civilization.

    • AngryKatie

      Keep looking! My family in Corinth are so country they don’t even have addresses, and the last time I was there they had both a taco truck AND a tamale truck. No beer through because it’s a dry county. Shudder.

    • Courser

      I’m sorry you’re Taco Truck-deprived. They’re really quite wonderful with nice, hot n spicy eats.

      • phoenix00

        Don’t forget the cerveza!

    • phoenix00

      I feel for you. At least we have Tacofino up here in Vancouver.

      http://tacofino.com/trucks-home

  • JD Mulvey

    ‘”So please continue to talk to your very lovely (we are sure) Jill Stein-supporting friends and be like, “Come the fuck ON, bro.”’

    IF you’re in a swing state. If you’re in a state that Hillary will win with ease, continuing pointing and LOLing at them.

  • RobKanC

    It’s 2000 all over again. I know that the American voters will elect Trump cos he talks out of his asshole but atleast his asshole is honest even though it’s not true. We deserved jr. Now we deserve Trump. When we are burning again like we did in 2008 we will elect a Hispanic male candidate and then elect a bunch of racist assholes and stonewall progress for 6 years. Then the dems will run their second female candidate who will promptly lose it to a asshole republican cos he talks out of his ass. Fuck us all. /end rant

    • MississippiLefty

      Here’s why I am cautiously optimistic you’re wrong (although the same thoughts have occurred to me): a broad swath of people actually LIKED W. I don’t get why, but they actively liked him, as a “person.” Whereas I think a much less broad group of people like Trump. Some do; some find him entertaining, but you can’t really be neutral to him (as you could with W). And the level of disgust that a really large group of people feels toward him is like nothing W faced.

      • RobKanC

        I hope you are right. But it’s after Labor Day and Hillary’s lead in the poll has essentially evaporated and the media keeps hounding her with non-controversies. But the Clinton campaign looks happy to just sit and wait as the orange clown is attempting to rebrand. They have to wake the eff up and hold Trump’s feet on fire and force mistakes. Sadly it’s not happening.

        • WIDTAP

          That’s changing a bit now that Trump isn’t punching himself in the face every day and re-fighting all of his primary fights. Hillz is beginning to talk to the press, taking her antihistamines and adapting to taking better control of the news cycle. She still needs to pivot off of Trump Bad! (at least not all of the time) to the positive image of America the Convention presented, but she is getting there.

        • MississippiLefty

          I feel ya.

      • notfromvenus

        W was kind of personable. He seemed nice, a “guy you could have a beer with”. So yeah, a lot of people liked him and trusted him. Trump, not so much.

    • Paperless Tiger

      It’s morning in America again, and we hate ourselves in the morning again.

  • bookish
  • My advice: offer to trade sex for votes. That should work. Who’s with me?

    • Jenvenda Manocide

      …you have seen the average trump voter and trump leaner, right?
      I am not sure I am that dedicated at all.

      • Grizz1y

        I believe the target was supposed to be Dr. Wrong Way Corrigan’s voters. Sure they may smell of patchouli but they tend to be more attractive than those who bask in the orange glow of the Trumpster fire.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      A vote for Trump equals free anal sex?

      • A Brock Turner special: with splinters!

  • Fivethirtyeight dot com shows she has less than 7% chance of wining Em-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-humpback-humpback-eye (only way I know how to spell it). It would be a dream come true if my ancestral home (Miss) and my current home (AZ) were to vote for Hillz. There would be dancing, in the streets even! Then again, the militia types here might shoot me for celebrating the win. I may have to settle for a Mr. Burn’s type celebration with adult beverages instead.

    • yyyaz

      I hope you’re not in Mojave County or something. Because if Kirpatrick and Hillz win, I will be bustin’ out up here in CocoCo.

      • No, I have the misfortune to live under Sheriff Joe’s jurisdiction. And while Phoenix seems like a bastion of liberalism compared to the rest of the state, never underestimate the ugliness that lies just beneath the surface in white suburbia. The Trump support is strong there too.

  • Bill Slider

    So, taco trucks in Mississippi? Cool. Are those the tacos made with crayfish, or just mud?

    • Me not sure

      They already have killer tamales.

  • DesertedPictures

    So, seeing that last picture, one has to ask: Trump or actual Putin?

  • Vagandarian the Librarian!

    I may have to covert to some religion if Ms. Clinton wins MS. I think it might prove there is a celestial being. However, I refuse to be raptured. There is a limit after all.

    • Jenvenda Manocide

      I will only consent to being raptured if there are no christianists coming along.
      If there are, I will take my chances with the zombies, thanks.

      • Serai 1

        I will happily be raptured to the Blessed Isles.

      • UnsaltedSinner

        Once the christianists have been raptured, we’ll have heaven on earth.

        • Vagenda and Tiara

          I wish these pricks would all get raptured.

  • BetsyBleedingheart

    YOU GUYS. I’m going to be a poll worker in Virginia on Election Day. I’M SO EXCITED.

  • Picabo

    A Sherman can give an . . . edge

  • Me not sure

    If you love the blues take a blues tour from Memphis to New Orleans going down US Highway 61. I recommend getting a copy of former Rolling Stones bassman Bill Wyman’s book “Blues Odyssey” as a guide and staying at least one night at The Shack up Inn in Clarksdale. Also, while in Clarksdale have a night out at the Ground Zero Blues Club ( partly owned by Morgan Freeman ), and visit the blues museum nearby. Hillary might not win there, but one of the local tamales or some catfish and some great blues music, will go along way toward making things better.

    • Me not sure

      I found some pics of the Shack up Inn

    • Bixetta

      That would be my dream come true

      • Me not sure

        The Shack-up Inn describes itself as a b,b & b ( bed, beer, & barbecue ). If your feeling really extravagant start at Chicago and see all of the blues history there before heading south. Here is a picture of Ground Zero in Clarksdale.
        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/373d1d395d073093ed9dbb23fc0b00f44e6b322bce62a226ae4a16fc70098747.jpg

        • Bixetta

          Drool

        • TheAmazingBeardedLady

          My brother and I took a trip to Chicago the summer I was 18 just to go to some of the old time blues bars. When we got there, we found out Illinois had raised the drinking age to 21 shortly before that, so I couldn’t get in any of them.

  • Joy

    Instead of Trump riding bare-back with Putin.. I was thinking he might be singing Katy Perry with Kim Jong Un

  • Gentle Robot

    67% aint good
    it was like 79% last week

    • notfromvenus

      67% is still good. The 79% was, I think, a combo of post-convention bump and outrage over Trump’s dumbshit comments about the fallen soldier’s family.

      • Gentle Robot

        i aint driving if there’s a 33% chance i’m gonna die
        21% is ok, i only die a fifth of the time

    • Vagenda and Tiara

      I can’t figure out why it’s not 94%. How is it even possible that this dipshit could actually be anywhere close to being president of the USA?

  • Thaag Tidestalker

    Folks might be surprised to know that Mississippi is actually fairly liberal for a Gulf state, especially compared to its evil twin Alabama. This is a Southern state which, at the height of Personhood Madness, rejected an initiative to grant personhood to a fertilized egg by a mudslide of 59 to 41 against.

    • MississippiLefty

      Yeah, I live on the coast, but even my somewhat progressive town (divorced lady mayor, city parks, farmers’ market every Sat., under 50% obesity rate) voted for Romney like 2 to 1 or something, so there is a ceiling on liberal…

      Although, I did see a Gary Johnson sign the other day on the aptly named “White Blvd,” which gave me hope that the Trump support might not be as deep as the percentage of Trump bumper stickers on pickups with truck nutZ (close to 100) would lead one to believe. (NB: percentage of pickups with truck nutZ also close to 100, sadly…)

      • Thaag Tidestalker

        I think part of that is the *NEED* to advertise. Out here, the conclusion is foregone so no one needs to advertise the desired outKKKome. (edit: I live in the Gump.)

        • MississippiLefty

          Out where?

          • Thaag Tidestalker

            Montgomery AL.

          • MississippiLefty

            So you know from evil twins! I work in Mobile, so I’m not immune to Alabama politics either…

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Step right up, and get yer red-hot rationales right here, folks:
    Is it more important to vote for Stein, or vote against Trump?
    This has worked on several greenies. YMMV.

    • phoenix00

      Why Not Both?

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