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mad face
mad face

This is not actually a real story, can you believe it? (Unless it is and we are PSYCHIC.) But anyway, million gold medal-winning Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps is getting married to a lady named Nicole Johnson, and they have a child who is for real named “Boomer.” We, yr Wonket and our brother “Adam,” are pretty sure all fights between Michael and Nicole happen because Michael wants to go swimming RIGHT NOW, and it will still be that way when he retires. Here is a transcript of one of their recent arguments, which we and our brother “Adam” made up.

Note: The words of Michael Phelps are the ones in ALL CAPS, because obviously.

The events begin as Michael suddenly springs awake in bed one morning …

HEY NICOLE. KNOW WHY WE NAMED OUR KID BOOMER? BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO GO SWIMMING NOW.

Good morning, Michael, how did you sleep?

I WISH I SPENT THE LAST 8 HOURS IN THE POOL THANKS FOR MENTIONING IT, NICOLE. JUST KIDDING, IT WAS OK BECAUSE I SNUCKED OUT AND SWIMMED BEHIND YOUR BACK.

Michael, how are you already eating a sandwich, in bed? Did you sleep with a sandwich in bed? We have talked about this, ugh! Is it even still good after being under your pillow all night?

IT’S NOT AN OLYMPIC SIZED POOL WITH COLORFUL LANES ROPED OFF IF THAT’S WHAT YOU MEAN BY “GOOD” BUT IT IS OK AS SANDWICHES GO. IT IS WET BECAUSE I TOOK IT SWIMMING.

Michael, sandwiches don’t belong in the bed OR the pool, what the heck is wrong with you?

(Under his breath) I’LL SHOW YOU. ONE DAY I’M GONNA SWIM RIGHT OUT OF HERE. WITH THIS SANDWICH, WHICH WILL STILL EXIST ON THAT DAY.

Yeah, OK, Michael, we need to talk …

HEY NICOLE. DID YOU HEAR RYAN LOCHTE SAID HE WOULD BE THE ME OF SWIMMING IF I WAS NOT THE ME OF SWIMMING? THAT IS RIDICULOUS, OOH I AM GONNA DO SO MANY CANNONBALLS LATER, WHEN I AM FINALLY SWIMMING.

Michael, that’s not even the kind of swimming you do. And aren’t you retiring?

NO, NICOLE, MY COACH SAYS I GET TO DO CANNONBALLS TODAY BECAUSE I’VE BEEN GOOD AT SWIMMING A LOT.

Michael, can we talk about something else for just a minute?

BETCHA I CAN PICK UP MORE FLOATY STICKS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OLYMPICS THAN YOU AND EVERYBODY EVER.

Dangit, Michael! Boomer, remember, we named our baby that? Anyway, he is not sleeping through the night, and I could use some help here.

WHERE ARE MY FLOATIES, NICOLE, I CAN’T SWIM THAT GOOD WHEN THERE IS NOT GOLD MEDALS IN FRONT OF ME.

We are talking about the baby now, not swimming. What do you think would be a good middle name for him? I don’t recall whether or not we gave him one or just called it quits once we came up with “Boomer.”

HOW ABOUT “GOLD MEDAL SWIMMIES IS MY DAD”? OR MAYBE “SWIMOTHY SWIMPSON.”

Michael, “Swimpson” is not your last name and it certainly isn’t mine.

HEY NICOLE. LET’S HAVE A LADY SWIMMER BABY NEXT AND CALL IT “SWIMBERLY.” THE BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT WILL SAY “SWIMBERLY WILL BE THE BEST SWIMMER OF THE LADIES, BECAUSE SHE LIVES INSIDE A SWIMMING POOL THE WHOLE TIME.”

(Water begins to pour from the ceiling, right onto the bed where Michael is fighting with his Nicole.)

Holy mother of God, Michael we have another leak in the roof! Why does this keep happening? Do you have something to do with this? You do, don’t you? Is this what you mean by “Swimberly will live inside a swimming pool the whole time?”

LOL, I DID THE “LEAK” WHEN YOU AND BOOMER WERE ZZZZZ. WE HAD A “DRY” EARLIER FOR WAY LONG AND I FIXD IT, ISN’T IT NICE TO LIVE INSIDE WATER? NOW GIVE ME ONE HUNDRED FLAPJACKS.

AND THEN THROW ONE HUNDRED MORE FLAPJACKS TO THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL, YOU THINK I WON’T FIND THEM I CAN FIND THEM. YOU’LL SEE, NICOLE.

Michael leaps out of bed to get the flapjacks and the fight is over now. Don’t worry, they are not mad at each other and they are still getting married. And he will probably win another gold medal Friday night, at Olympics, so watch that!

Also too, we do not mean to steal the thunder of the very best fan fiction writing that ever happened, called You Can Make It Up. We bow to its continued glory in the Hall Of Fame of Internetz.

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  • Snopes Shop

    This is gloriously ridiculous!

    • anwisok

      IT IS NOT!! It’s ridiculously glorious!

      • Cindyinencinitas

        It’s a dessert topping!

        • Mezzaluna

          IT’S A FLOORWAX!!!

          • Lascauxcaveman

            IT’S A DESSERT TOPPING YOU COW!!

          • Mezzaluna

            Itssss a floorwaxssssssSSSSSSS! You ignorant slut.

    • sw19womble

      NO! YOU’RE GLORIOUSLY RIDICULOUS!!!!

      *storms off to do ten extra laps*

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    So I heard you like mudkips?

  • JoeChristmas

    Evan, you are the Simone Biles of internet journalism.

    USA, USA, USA!11!!!!

  • Ms.MLG1979

    When does he smoke the water bong?

    • anwisok

      After his last drug test.

  • memzilla

    I see the the FedEx package from California was sent “Next Business Day Delivery.”

  • Cindyinencinitas

    Seriously, what’s with the face? He looks about 5 there.

    • The Wanderer

      He was supposedly psyching himself up, but the South African rival Le Clos was shadow-boxing in front of him. Hence bitch face.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        His resting bitch face. Study that look, girlfriend.

      • anwisok

        “Shadow boxing?” More like dancing and shaking his ass in Phelps’ face! LOL

        • Lascauxcaveman

          It was pretty funny. I watched it all the way through on Canadian teevee; because all I get at home is Canadian teevee and they show swimming, like, about 99% of the time. C’mon Canadian teevee, I know most of your non-swimming athletes are pretty terrible, but we still want to sample the other events, too.

  • anwisok

    I have an opportunity/dilemma this evening, and I’d appreciate the commentariat’s input.

    My husband’s brother and his hubbie are taking us out for dinner tonight for my birthday. Very nice of them, highly appreciated, etc, etc, and I want it to be a pleasant evening.

    Here’s the thing: He’s a Trump supporter. 0.o Yes. A gay Trumpian, if you can believe it I’m not sure I can, and he’s my brother in law and I’ve known for years he’s a right winger.

    I figure I have two choices. I can insist that we avoid politics, which is, of course, the safest option. OR! I can use this rare opportunity to try to have him explain why he thinks Trump would be good for America (as opposed to why Hillary would be bad). Obviously this is a risky option, but an opportunity to question an actual Trump supporter isn’t something I often have.

    What say you, Wonketteers? Do I play it safe, or do I take the risk?

    • Ms.MLG1979

      Get very, very drunk. Flip out any time the conversation veers away from you and “your special night”. It’s your birthday, after all!

      • mailman27

        Perfecto! “Ask Ms. MLG”; advice for the lovelorn.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Dear Ms. MLG:

        I am a world-class female athlete. I have spent literally tens of thousands of hours training and working out, and about the same about of money on elite-level coaching. I’ve been selected for my country’s Olympic team, and my question to you is this: what kind of nail polish is least likely to chip while I do my sport? Thanks!

        • Ms.MLG1979

          Dear World Class Female Athlete-

          Take a Sharpie, in the color of your choice, and write F-U-C-K-U across the nails on each hand. It won’t chip, AND sends an important message to sexist pigs the world over!

          • Mezzaluna

            You must do a weekly or more frequent advice column for Wonkette!
            It will Happy Nice Time relief from the daily election shit platter special and we will learn valuable skills. PLZZZZZZ????!!!!!????

          • Ms.MLG1979

            I would be on board with that! I love to tell people what to do!

          • Mezzaluna

            Contact Trix and Evan, there must be a good mid week spot open. People could submit questions on Monday or you could do a live streaming thing and we would crush Disqus like a bug.

          • Ms.MLG1979

            Blush! How awesome are you? Thank you!

    • Vienna Woods

      If he hasn’t been persuaded by the total assholeness of Trump, you probably won’t succeed. KEEP AWAY

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Yes, there aren’t any legit reasons to vote for this guy unless you hate messicans or just want to have a great, fat, bloviating fascist daddy promise to take care of you, so don’t paint the guy into a corner if he’s picking up the tab.

    • BrianW

      Don’t ruin your birthday. Stay away from the politics.

      • sw19womble

        Hey, it’s anwisok’s birthday – it could be a nice birthday present to oneself! Or maybe that would just be me. :)

        • BrianW

          A screaming, yelling fight isn’t MY idea of a birthday present, buy hey, you do you.

          • sw19womble

            Odd how so many of these special occasions seem to end up in them regardless. I say go with the flow, baby! :D

          • BrianW

            That’s a flow I prefer to go against.

    • sw19womble

      Never forego an opportunity to debate, I say. Don’t be afraid of confronting people’s cognitive dissonance: that’s how you change people’s opinions.
      At the very least ask him how he’s going to feel when a Trump presidency allows the GOP to stock SCOTUS with so many gay-hating fundies that it’ll be like Stonewall never happened, now what do you want for dessert?

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I can’t think on my feet fast enough. Inevitably they say something that I sense is dumb and illogical and probably also false, but I am not quick and well-informed enough to respond. Unless it’s my dad, and then I always seem to be able to shut him down. And then I feel like (and probably am) an asshole.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I take it you’ve ruled out “poison his food” as an option…?

      • anwisok

        I wouldn’t want to ruin the restaurant’s reputation by having people think it was the food.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Also too, “you killed my husband” is the kind of thing some people can really hold a grudge over.

          • anwisok

            IKR? Some people are so weird!

    • TheGrandWaz00

      Which would make your birthday better for you?
      Do that one.

      Oh, and Happy Birthday.

      • anwisok

        Thanks!

    • bubbuhh

      Make sure you have enough money to cover the dinner tab and can make your own way home.

      • anwisok

        Oh, if it got THAT bad, I’d flounce and leave him to pay, whether he wanted to or not!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      If there is lots of alcohol involved I don’t see what can go wrong.

    • Bad Granny

      How would you feel if he started explaining why you are wrong for supporting Hillary?

      • anwisok

        That’s the thing. I’d be very interested in his explanation for why he thinks Trump would be good, because I really can’t see that, and I’d honestly like to. I wouldn’t go in trying to argue why Trump is bad – I’m sure he’s already heard all those arguments, just as I’ve heard them about Hillary. I’m just afraid that he has nothing other than “Hillary is a monster” as a reason for supporting him, and that’s a useless discussion.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I’m almost 100% positive, without even knowing this person, that that is his sole reason. So you’ll learn nothing and burn a bridge. I’d stick to “hey, did everybody see the lipstick on that chick that came in second in the Olympics last night?”

        • Bad Granny

          Maybe if you left it until dessert. That way if it goes poorly you won’t ruin your entire evening. I am honestly not sure I am civilized enough to have that conversation without ruining dinner.

        • PortTaiLand

          The typical explanations I’ve heard are some variation on:
          “He isn’t afraid to speak the truth.”
          “He’s not a lifelong politician.”
          “At least he’ll get rid of .”

          and, of course,
          “He’ll make America great again!”

          These positions aren’t based on fact and trying to test them with logic will only result in frustration. My hypothesis is that Trump supporters have difficulty seeing complexities and shades of grey. They want every issue boiled down to a bumper sticker and Trump supplies that. I’ve been looking for a Trump supporter that has a nuanced view on any subject and have come up empty so far.

          • natoslug

            For someone not afraid to speak the truth, he’s done an amazing job of avoiding it at all costs.

        • Mezzaluna

          I’m pretty sure that’s all you’ll get. The Republicans with business sense and who don’t want to burn everything down are all #NeverTrump.

    • natoslug

      Avoid politics altogether and talk business and real estate. Stick to safe subjects like that asshole Trump and his ability to turn gold into shit and bankrupt his way to . . . ah fuck, let me try again. Drink heavily and remind him that he supports a lying shitmuppet and he’s a terrible person for doing so. Then slap him with the Carpaccio and tell him he’s no longer welcome anywhere near the Gay Agenda.

      • natoslug

        Or, if you want a pleasant evening, accept that as a Trump supporter, he is apparently completely immune to facts, logic and common decency, and avoid political discussion at all costs.

        • sw19womble

          That sounds really boring.

          • natoslug

            I agree. I consider myself fortunate to rarely have to interact with Trumplings in the wild, as I really enjoy winding people up if they choose to be incredibly stupid around me.

      • sw19womble

        Now that’s a birthday dinner to remember!

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Maybe you could go out, and come back in again.

    • Treg Brown

      Take this puppy with you, then it won’t matter what the conversation is, you’ll still be happy.
      Happy birthday and don’t forget to feed it scrapes under the table cause that’s allowed on birthdays.

      • anwisok

        I like you. You make me laugh.

    • OddMan

      As an old who has had many holiday dinners with right wing relatives from Texas I can say. . . . Do not poke the bear. Have fun, drink a lot, eat too much, if at the end of the night everyone is drunk then poke a little for fun.

    • efoveks

      Stick with option one and enjoy your birthday dinner.

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    • OneYieldRegular

      Like alcohol and quaaludes, happy birthdays and Donald Trump do not mix. Have a happy birthday (actually, I’m guessing you’re probably already at dinner, so, uh – good luck!)

    • gedjcj

      I came in way too late to play the Elvish counsellor: “The choice is yours, to bait or not to bait.”

      But I hope you will tell us how it went. Happy Birthday either way!

    • Zyxomma

      Happy birthday and many happy returns. I’m sure I’m way too late to offer an opinion.

      • anwisok

        Thanks! I actually just posted an after action report upthread.

    • Invidosa

      I had a similar opportunity last week and I seized on it. Mind you, my aunt is not a trumpite per se,vat least not of the rabid foaming variety. The conversation was facinating, although I had to take my patience in both hands and sit that bitch down squarely to demand her continued participation (to clarify, I mean my patience, not my aunt) It ended with me very calmly explaining fact checking, and asking whether the fact that my aunt “just doesn’t like” Hillary is or is not worth voting against her own best interests.

      • anwisok

        Once in a while, it makes sense to vote against one’s own interests in favor of the overall society’s best interests. Such occasions are rare, but are invoked often.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Holy cow! Open bar tab? Drink all you can then, if you get drunk enough, you won’t remember, or care, the next morning what was said.

  • kindness

    Something something about a day job.

    • bubbuhh

      Phelps day job is doing imitations of Phelps. He’s made 55 million at it so far.

    • natoslug

      His day job involves grape smuggling.

  • Mezzaluna

    That is a bitch face to end all bitch faces. Tell all the teen aged girls not to even bother trying.

  • Nightcrawler

    The picture of Michael Phelps is just begging to be turned into a meme.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      It has been.

  • OneYieldRegular

    25 years from now, drunk after a party, he’ll swim home using all the backyard pools in New Jersey.

    Somebody should write a story like that.

    • Vecchiojohn

      They’d be a real overachiever….

    • Zyxomma

      I think someone has seen The Swimmer, one of Burt Lancaster’s most bizarre roles. If not, you’re thinking like the author of the screenplay.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    I liked it, but the Chinese judge deducted points because flapjacks have a lower degree of difficulty level than waffles. Plus, would it kill him to wear a little blush, maybe a bit of lip color?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Sorry. Haven’t given a half doot about the Olympics since they let rich, pro athletes compete. I’ll be out in the lobby till you have something I can properly snark at. Oh, and fuck the Designated Hitter rule, too! And, off my lawn, you whippersnappers!

    • Ms.MLG1979

      I don’t care about the Olympics either, but I do care about baby Swimberly!

      • Cindyinencinitas

        It’s always about the children. Swimberly and her (soon-to-be-born) little brother Swanthony.

        • Ms.MLG1979

          I called my dog my little Swimberly earlier..Damn you, Evan!

    • sw19womble

      Not to mention the outright corruption, like “running out of chemicals” for the pools, hence why they’ve turned Swamp Green.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Well to be fair, the whole “professionalization” of the Olympics was something FIBA had been pushing for years in basketball at least. What I find odd is the inconsistency- some sports allow pros and some don’t. Also, Golf, table tennis and bowling should not be Olympic events because any game you can functionally play while completely shit faced should be awarded a medal.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        if your grandfather can still play it at 90 and score somewhat respectably, it shouldn’t be an Olympic event IMO. Also, there may be just the tiniest problem with your final sentence.

        • Hairstrike Alpha

          good catch, thanks.

      • sw19womble
        • msanthropesmr

          Issat Alas Smith and Jones? Been years since I seen it.

          • sw19womble

            Not The Nine O’Clock News

      • natoslug

        I’m very upset that laser tag is not an olympic team sport.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          Hackey sack, also too

          • natoslug

            A sport you could play while getting high is just the thing to make America great again.

          • Mezzaluna

            I thought frisbee golf was going to be one.

      • Vienna Woods

        I know, right? That’s why I can’t get excited. 16 yr old girl swims her heart out in the pool, and she gets a shiny gold medal and goes home to ok, maybe a nice endorsement deal, but otherwise, bupkis. Meanwhile, the multi-million $ hockey players and golf players and nba stars come in, do their thing, and then return to their cushy pro sports contracts. Fuck that shit. All- amateur or all pro: choose a side!!

        • Lascauxcaveman

          The impetus was the fact that there were never any amateur athletes in the Soviet Bloc back in the day. They were all “[random rank] in the Soviet Army” who actually were paid to be full-time athletes, so the IOC eventually said “screw it, if the Soviets get to have their pros compete, so does everyone else.””

  • anwisok

    He looks like he’s about to turn green and triple his muscle mass.

    • PubOption

      This time, something went wrong and it was the pool that turned green.

      • natoslug

        I told you we shouldn’t have used the pool for our water bong! Aqua Buddha, my ass!

      • anwisok

        hmmmmmmmmm . . . what color does the Hulk pee?

  • Vecchiojohn

    A super athlete who is also a spoiled man-baby? Can’t be.

  • JMP

    OK I’m confused now. Did I somehow get stoned accidentally?

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      I wondered why that brownie had seeds in it.

  • BadKitty904

    Is this some kind of troll thing?

  • mailman27

    Check for “Swimberly” next June in Most Popular Girl’s Names.

  • btwbfdimho

    Wait, now he’s not only very rich in gold, but also sarcastic and nasty?

    • Beaumarchais?

      I don’t think Trix pays THAT much. Oh, you mean Phelps!

  • natoslug

    I had a dream too, but it didn’t have swimmers in it. I was dating Sara Benincasa and we got in a fight because I was having an affair with Sara Benincasa, and in the middle of our fight, Sara Benincasa showed up and it got awkward. I think your dream is weirder.

    • cousin itt

      Who among us has not had that dream?

      • natoslug

        Like Evan’s dream about the Phelps, it was wet.

  • natoslug

    Is Phelps a verb or a noun? And is it something the oldz can do too, or do you have to be young and limber and able to get aroused by the breeze?

  • natoslug

    Why’d they make that poor kid sit in the fart zone?

  • The Wanderer

    Marvelous story, a true triumph of the human spirit! A puckish spoof aimed more at the heart than the head! I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me.

  • I Only Like Cats

    I’ve heard of some strange fanfics via Tumblr, but nothing, nothing could exceed your stories, Evan.

  • natoslug

    He and whichever G-Dub spawn is on the right should make scowly babbies together.
    https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/bush-flag.jpg

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      “Oh, shit. He’s got the flag upside down and doesn’t have a clue. MOM! Do something!”

      • natoslug

        “MOM! Dad’s fucking pissed to the gills again! I thought you were hiding the whiskey and I was in charge of the cocaine! I can’t take you people anywhere!”

    • Mezzaluna

      Isn’t that some international signal for distress or an empty drink?

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    He’ll never replace Mark Spitz! I was only 7 during the Munich Olympics but even then I knew I liked what I saw!

    • anwisok
      • BigBoppa

        And then he changed his name to Freddie Mercury.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Look at the size of his arms and chest and compare them to the arms and chests of today’s athletes. He looks only a little more toned than, say, a bricklayer, where Simone Biles looks like she could throw a piecrust through the side of a barn.

        • Paperless Tiger

          Steroids.

      • cousin itt

        VS. I’m sorry, what were you saying?

  • Bad Granny
  • Hairstrike Alpha

    He looks like he’s Ivanka husband and just saw this .gif: https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/trump-ivanka-gross.gif

    • btwbfdimho

      Wait til Trump does it to Hillary before the first debate.

      • anwisok

        She would knock him out. And NOT with votes!

        • sw19womble

          Rugby-tackled by Liz Warren, who runs in from the sidelines:

  • OddMan

    The part of this story I love is Mr. Phelps broke an Olympic record set by Leonidas of Rhodes in 152 BC of 12 individual Olympic medals. Phelps has 13.

    • Mezzaluna

      Mr.Luna said that Phelps broke a two thousand od year old record and asked me to guess by doing what. I stupidly said “Walking on water?” and he responded, not at all sarcastically, that it was for winning an Olympic Gold medal while swimming naked.

  • cousin itt

    Boomer goes the dynamite!

  • Mavenmaven

    I have been silently composing Wonkette fan fiction, in which the editrix falls in love with one of the commentariat and even has a kid!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      That could never happen in rea . . .
      Never mind.

    • anwisok

      NOBODY’D believe that!

  • dslindc

    Great, now I have swimmers ear and I want a sandwich!

  • PubOption

    Using same convention as the artIcle.

    AN AUSTRALIAN TOLD ME THAT BOOMER MEANT A BIG KANGAROO. WHATEVER, I HAVE TO GO SWIMMING.

    • Vecchiojohn

      Throwe another boomer on the barbie.

    • Skadi

      Thanks a lot, now I’ve got that “Six White Boomers” Xmas song in my head!

  • cousin itt

    My child Boomer is.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Don’t you think Michael Phelps and his fiancée would have a water bed?

  • Vecchiojohn

    Hey. I’m a Baby Boomer too! What a coincidence.

    • natoslug

      I was born too late to be a Boomer. My generation — Gen-X — sounds like an anxiety medication.

      • Jenny

        No wai gen x is best generation. Just the right mix of ingenuity and apathy!

        • Cindyinencinitas

          Sounds like a cologne you buy at a gas station.

          • sw19womble

            Smells like Teen Spirit.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            Wait…is that Sex Panther you’re wearing?

          • sw19womble

            60% of the time, Gen Xers are the coolest all the time!

          • natoslug

            Ingenapathy, by Kevin Klein.

      • Mezzaluna

        Which is weird because we are generally speaking an anxiety plagued bunch. Maybe it’s only regional though.

      • Vecchiojohn

        Safe and gentle GenXadrine. Ask your doctor if it’s right for you?

      • cousin itt

        And there are still others who were born and raised between the both of you losers. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation_Jones I think of us as the definitive Star Wars generation. Too young for Woodstock, the Vietnam Draft and Star Trek when first aired and too old for Teenage Mutant Something Somethings.

        • Vienna Woods

          Yes! That’s me! I never really thought I was a boomer.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I like the name Boomer. I hear his nickname is James.

    • SnarkOff

      They are going to name his future less-loved little brother Bummer.

  • sw19womble

    OT Canadian/GB Gold and Silver in the Lady Trampolining! Yay!

  • JMP

    So my takeaway is that this Aquaman dude named his kid after the Battlestar Gallactica character who turned out to be an evil robot sleeper agent who kept trying to blow up the ship.

    • Reddishrabbit

      Makes more sense than my kid 9.

    • Sardonicuss

      ….or Mark Maron’s missing cat.?

  • Jenny

    Did Phelps just murder the trade federation because they were no longer useful pawns in his psuedo-father/ role model’s quest to take over the galaxy???

    Or is he just constipated?

    • Cindyinencinitas

      He asked to be taken to the bathrooms 20 minutes ago. His dad is yapping with someone and won’t take him.

      • natoslug

        He already peed in the pool, so unless he has to drop a Trump, he can damn well wait.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          Dad?

  • Vecchiojohn

    OT and all, but I just turned on MSNBC for a second and heard some ninny say, “Tom Friedman, who is one of the smartest guys around, said ….”

    Why do I torment myself like this? Why? Why?

    • SnarkOff

      Friedman is smart, for television.

    • TheGrandWaz00

      Did you stay tuned for Kellyanne Conway ‘Gish Galloping’ her way through yet another interview? She irritates me more than Ann Coulter.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The chance to listen to Hugh Hewitt?

      • Vecchiojohn

        How DOES that grinning death’s head stay employed?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          One of my pet peeves right now. And it’s not like I’ve got a fucking shortage!

  • msanthropesmr

    So, anything interesting happen today?

    • mackafritz

      Trump didn’t make a complete ass of himself today. That’s something different.

      • Paperless Tiger

        The day ain’t over.

      • natoslug

        Oh, yes he did. He (or his campaign) decided they didn’t want the Gold Star families stuff to go away just yet and added a few more attacks against Khizr Khan (sp?), said the media are worse than Hitler and ISIS combined, and I think he may have told a state or two that it’s a loser. Also, he continued to wear the world’s worst combover. There may have been more, but it’s Friday, and my mind has already started my nine day vacation without me.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          He never disappoints.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Enjoy your vacation! Catch up to your mind quickly!

          • natoslug

            My mind is quickly regretting promising to have my body build a new shed and put in some drip irrigation over vacation.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Ummm… That’s work, not a vacation…

      • Astraea
        • msanthropesmr

          We’re laughing at you – not with you.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          Which is, of course, what we’re looking for in a leader. Someone confounding, capricious and utterly beguiling. What’s he thinking? I don’t know! Isn’t it cute!

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          From what I can surmise, he seems to have been up all night hate-tweeting. What a sad, nasty little man.

    • SnarkOff

      I met my deadline. For what it’s worth.

    • btwbfdimho

      It rained in Texas (for 5 minutes).

      • Panika MCD

        not where I am. but it’s supposed to rain most of next week.

    • Jeff in the desert

      I got decent customer service at WalMart…

      • msanthropesmr

        Some good people work there, because that’s the job that you can get.

  • Shibusa

    Love how the Olympics celebrate the wonders of the human body:
    http://thehissfit.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Swimmers.jpg

    • msanthropesmr

      I have serious questions about their choice of makeup and attire.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Those little hats are so severe.

    • SnarkOff

      Thank you.

  • jowgajen

    For your amusement:

    • Suse

      Hahaha!

    • OneYieldRegular

      That may well be the best cartoon of this entire election season. Perfect.

    • Treg Brown

      This is a keeper. Brilliant!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Wonderfully grotesque.

      • cousin itt

        In more ways than one. Donald would also make a mighty fine gargoyle.

    • Shan the Libtart

      Ennnhhh….he has a mouth like a blow-up doll.

      • sw19womble

        Blow Up Doll Libels!!!!

        • Shan the Libtart

          Can blow-up dolls sue now?

          • Donnamcreamer2

            <<fb. ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!il216r:….,….

          • Elizabethjbly2

            <<fb. ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!il602r:….,……..

  • SnarkOff

    Swimberly is the best fictional name in the history of fictional names. Also, this very same conversation, with “cycling” substituted for “swimming,” is probably what broke up Lance Armstrong and Mrs. Lance Armstrong.

  • Mezzaluna

    Swimothy & Swimberly will the most popular baby names forever, starting NOW!

  • MaiaAZ

    I’ll have some of whatever Evan and “Adam” are smoking, please.

    OT: We are about to start off of Leg 1 of our Journey to Meet The Grandson. It is a Journey of many Legs…

    • Mezzaluna

      A safe and speedy journey to you!

  • msanthropesmr

    So, you know how the right wing nuts are shitting their pants in terror over Ebola, Syrian Refugees, Black People, Women playing video games, etc. etc.

    I feel that way about a Donald Trump presidency.

    Am I wrong?

    • Jeff in the desert

      No my son, you are not. It is just that it gobsmacks people of sanity so hard in the face, it is believed to be unreal.

      No where to run, no where to hide. It is unbelievable that anyone would vote for him. But then again Hitler.

      • Mezzaluna

        And that asshole in the Phillipines.

      • msanthropesmr

        I blame your generation.

        • Jeff in the desert

          My mature answer to that :-P

        • yyyaz

          The generation that could vote in 1933 has a pretty thin slice of the demographic pie chart these days.

      • yyyaz

        The only recompense is that AH never received a majority of votes in an open election. Even so. …

    • Mezzaluna

      No. I am afraid also.

    • Jeff in the desert

      My hope that just as social media gives him a platform, it also gives the right people the ability to take him down (with votes).

    • Jeff in the desert

      BTW, ABQ Rt. 66 diner

      • msanthropesmr

        Frontier or gtfo.

      • msanthropesmr

        Salmon with homemade pico and G&T
        And cheap beer.

    • natoslug

      Hopefully they’ll be shitting their pants in terror over Zika, now that we know it can stay in your sperm for over six months, and it’s popping up in California. Pretty sure they’ll ignore the 25% of Puerto Ricans that are expected to contract it this year, though.

      • msanthropesmr

        Well, Zika appears to be a real, rather than imagined, threat, so I imagine they’ll save the sort of inaction and fatalism over it that they have with climate change.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Also, God’s wrath visited upon Pat Robertson’s critics except when something afflicts Pat, in which case it is a test of faith.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Swimberly:

  • Be Gin

    I know that Michael tells the media that those purple spots on his body are from the woo known as “cupping”.

    I also know that he is a big fat liar! Those spots are the bruises he gets from sleeping on his gold medals! Every night he lays them out and he lays on them and just wriggles around like a puppy with an itch!

    • The Wanderer

      More like a dragon sleeping on his hoard.

      • Be Gin

        Siegfried Libel!

    • natoslug

      I thought they were from the moray eels.

      • cousin itt

        When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
        That’s amore
        When the world seems to feed like you’ve had too much weed
        That’s amore

      • data_ninja

        Lamprey eels. Morays got the big ol’ jaws.

        • natoslug

          Dammit! And what I really meant was remora. My brain, as mentioned earlier, was on vacation before the day even started.

    • Toadette

      I saw a meme today where — someone entirely serious, I think — said they were from “marijuana poisoning”.

      • natoslug

        Wouldn’t a Doritos and delivery pizza overdose be the result of too much marijuana?

      • Be Gin

        “marijuana poisoning”?

        LOL times 10!

      • Jonny On Maui

        “Paging Ms. Dowd, Ms. Dowd, white courtsey cannabis phone, Paging Ms. Dowd…”

        • cousin itt

          Wha…? Pffftssst. Hilllllerrrrrrry. Pffuck uuuu.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Slow news day?

    • natoslug

      It’s Friday afternoon — time to relax and let go of the week’s insanity.

      • Jonny On Maui

        I seem to remember a cannabis story was supposed to happen maybe…

        • natoslug

          The story’s not here, man.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Yeah, I don’t know whats happened to my memory…

  • Toomush_Infer

    Evan – get a grip….

    • yyyaz

      That’s what he said.

  • OneWhiteWhisker
  • ShriekinViolet

    Evan, love, did you smoke ALL the weed, and then stumble across a laptop?

    Whatever the case, I highly approve. This is lovely. For some reason.

    • Panika MCD

      Friday Night Story Time should be a thing.

      • WomanInAMood

        That would be lovely! I’ll bring the chardonnay and graham crackers.

        • yyyaz

          I’ll kick in a 12-pack of “snacks.”

          • Jonny On Maui

            Don’t forget the canned clams.

          • WomanInAMood

            I shall be the one to say the canonical “You monster!”

          • vivian

            You know how on TV the doctor always says “I need 10 cc’s of xyz”? Do you know what 10 CC’s are? IT’S ALL A PLOT!!/!?! THERE’S A CODE TO DISTRACT US FROM OUR MOLLUSK OVERLORDZ!! THE DOCTOR’S ARE IN ON IT!! The Bivalve Legislative Branch was a dead giveaway.

          • vivian

            YAAAAAAAAAAH! IT’S LIKE AN ECHO CHAMBER IN HERE ERE ERE ERE ere ere ere ere

      • Jonny On Maui

        I’ll start! “Once upon a time…”

        • WomanInAMood

          …in a small town in a swing state, a very orange man arrived. He had things to say, mostly sarcasm. Suddenly, the weasel on his head rose up, and said….

          • sw19womble

            … “Hello humans! My name is Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, but you can call me Tango for short. Now, since arriving on your planet, I seem to have picked up a large unnatural growth on my underbelly. Does anyone know what it is and how I get rid of it please?”

          • WomanInAMood

            The townspeople were flummoxed. They were poorly educated, but not inherently bad, and poor Tango’s problem spoke to their hearts. Because who among them had not had an unnatural growth? They thought hard, when Earl, the guy who ran the local gas station, had an idea “I know! We’ll….”

          • sw19womble

            “… lower taxes and close down the women’s health center. That always works, no matter what the problem, especially with unwanted growth!”
            The other townsfolk started talking about maybe drowning the undesirable orange glob, hanging from Tango’s already-pendulous ballsack, in the nearest bath: however, a lone voice from the back of the unruly mob piped up, a small dissenting voice in the blooming cascade of nutty ideas on how to quell the cheeto-colored beast…

          • vivian

            “I know it’s not easy, but if we just ignore it, it will inflate itself until it pops. At least that’s what I heard. Maybe if we…”

          • Panika MCD

            UNRULY MOB LIBULZ!!!

            as a member of the unruly mob (so dubbed by one TX Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, nee Dannie Goeb), I formally demand that you cease and desist!

          • Be Gin

            …summon Sparkle-Cthulhu! The pony of the thousand tentacles!
            IE! IE! PONYTEH LU NOE TAXESISTUH!”

            A dense cloud of rainbow smoke billowed out of a nearby sewer grate! The townspeople…

          • Lamashtar

            …gasped “OooOOOoo” and “Awwww!” as a million colors of intersectional dimensions flooded the little Earth town. It was almost as good as the last Fourth of July–as Independence Day was heretically known locally–when Jim Bob and Jody tried to duel with firework rockets and accidentally set their chest hairs on fire.

            The Pony That Should Not Be flounced its pastel tentacles and batted its eyelashes adorably. “FNORD” the Pony of a Thousand Tentacles pouted.

            “SPARKLE-CTHULHU IS BEST PONY” the townsfolk gibbered.

            “TO CONQUER EQUESTRIA, I MUST GATHER AN ARMY OF EVIL” Sparkle-Cthulhu intoned in a doom-laden chirp. Then, it caught sight of the unnaturally huge tangerine-colored mole on the weasel’s ballsack, and…

          • Panika MCD

            again with the “unnatural growth”…maybe “an animal cracker shaped mole or two”?

          • Panika MCD

            large unnatural growth??? I mean, I’m not a fan of Drumpf, but I believe he is still organic. how about we go with a Scottish description like “ludicrous tangerine ballbag” or “weapons grade plum”?

          • Panika MCD

            I believe his skin is the GOLDIEST GOLD IN ALL WORLD HISTORIES!!! we just have bad eyes that think the color we see is fucking burnt orange.

        • Panika MCD

          Evan already started. are you wanting to do an exquisite corpse?

          • Jonny On Maui

            Yup! In the non-comments…

          • Panika MCD

            how are we supposed to hide the line from 2 lines back from the next person?

          • Jonny On Maui

            Just change the rules like WomanInAMood, sw19womble and vivian are doing down below…

          • Panika MCD

            then I’m going to add revisions.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Please do!

  • Panika MCD

    OT Specifically for JustNo, ParchmentScroll and Jenny (but also too for anyone thinking of ways they can provide solidarity):

    Jessica Jin has created a new page and website for the Cocks Not Glocks protest taking place on the first day of the UT – Austin fall semester.

    https://www.facebook.com/cocksnotglocks/

    http://cocksnotglocks.org/get-involved/

    • Jonny On Maui

      You do good work.

      • Panika MCD

        *blush* I just have good info.

  • phoenix00
    • sw19womble

      ..

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I’m competing in the Beer Olympics tonight. I’ve got the constitution for it.

    • Panika MCD

      I thought that was an Oktoberfest thing. so wouldn’t you technically be in training?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Uhhhh…yeah, that’s right. Training.

        • yyyaz

          It’s a long season, gotta have the stamina to make it to the playoffs.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Important to maintain a high blood-alcohol level at all times.

          • WomanInAMood

            Only way to make it through this election.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Right? I’ma need a liver transplant if this keeps up.

          • WomanInAMood

            Livers are for wimps. Well, no, but at this rate….

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Ever hear the Bad Livers? Best band name ever.

          • WomanInAMood

            I haven’t. But that is a very good name indeed.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            San Antonio punkgrass outfit from some years back. A woman I had a mad crush on was the fiddle player’s girlfriend. Bastard.

          • WomanInAMood

            I’m going out on a limb here and assuming the fiddle player was the bastard of whom you speak.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Yes. I met him once. Nice guy, actually. His girlfriend was smart and funny, but a bit of a trainwreck.

          • WomanInAMood

            You may have dodged something there. Crushes are the worst.

          • Daisy

            I don’t have nearly enough upvotes for this.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            They’re overrated, but aspirational. A guy can dream, right?

          • Daisy

            I’m in “bitter teenage girl” mode. Which I should have gotten over a year ago.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Don’t dwell on it too long…there are many, many more future assholes to encounter in your life.

          • WomanInAMood

            I hate to say it, but “bitter teenage girl” mode can last a lifetime. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything. Actually, I’m out of here for a bit, going to go take my beloved dog to my ex’s place. Because it makes them both happy, dammit. Back in a bit. And no, I’m not bitter.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Friday night without Thor??? You’re too kind for your own good.

          • WomanInAMood

            Yeah, I’m a damned angel. But still, it makes them both happy, and there is too little happiness in this bad old world. See y’all in a bit.

          • Daisy

            You’re sweet. :)

          • Jonny On Maui

            Be well WomanInAMood.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Definitely dodged something, but I kinda figured that out pretty quickly. By and large, I prefer the mentally stable.

    • Brian

      I’m going for gold in the Whiskey shot-puts.

  • Arolpin
    • msanthropesmr

      AOTK

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        If there was ever a time for that response…

    • Arolpin

      Damn it! I can’t figure out how to link the original comment or retweet or whatever (have never tweeted), but I think this should work.

      https://twitter.com/kylegriffin1/status/764220066355224576

      • Arolpin

        Fuck! I flubbed it, but Madame (soon-to-be)-President is the true Zen master of Twitter.

    • Brian

      so perfect!

    • Jonny On Maui

      No ‘all of the above’ option?

      • gedjcj

        Jonny! Have you forgotten where you are?

        All together now:

        “All of them, Katy!”

    • WomanInAMood

      Where’s the “He gets money from Russian oligarchs” option?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        “Takes deductions for money spent on inappropriate gifts for Ivanka”?

        • WomanInAMood

          Subtle. Very subtle.

    • AKLynne

      What if I want to vote for all four choices?

      • sw19womble

        Or a write-in option!

    • Daisy

      As there’s no “all of the above” option, I pick option three, “He inflates his wealth”, because that one would piss him off the most.

      • sw19womble

        Good point well made.

    • NAMBLA

    • bubbuhh

      Where is “all of the above” choice?

      • Zyxomma

        Just what I was going to say. AOT, K.

  • Brian

    yesterday we got to listen to Obama music, today you can read Obama books!

    https://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/whitehouse.gov/files/images/Blog/readinglist2016_1200.jpeg

    • msanthropesmr

      A President shouldn’t read. What kinda nonsense is this, anyway?

      • sw19womble

        My Pet Goat Libels!!!!!

      • Khavrinen

        Don’t worry Mr. Trump, the whole country is quite aware that you don’t read anything, ever.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I just read “Barbarian Days”. Surprising choice. I guess me and Bamz are just peas in a pod.

  • Bill Slider

    Donald Trump makes up better not real stories. To be fair, however, he has had more practice, like for his entire life of about 70 years. Keep you day job about writing using facts, or FOX News, or whomever.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    No reason…just came across it looking for something else.
    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0KUdKQszU9A/U88MxkgbnrI/AAAAAAAAC40/WTN0MDjFyxQ/s1600/images.jpg

    • sw19womble

      He is You Cat, and upset about it?

      But if we’re going for random…

      • King of America

        This random photo is vaguely on-topic, since it’s two Olympic athletes:

        • 451 Byrnes

          Honestly, this is as good as kittens…

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Pretty sure Simone could do a double back layout and clear his height.

      • cousin itt

        Uncivil Defense Notification in 3…2…1…

  • King of America

    Evan, the author of the You Can Make It Up thing you linked to once described a group of nerds as “like those Tuvan throat singers who practice circular breathing, but for arguing about old episodes of the Simpsons”.

    You can’t compete against that, and neither can I.

  • Jay

    My only concern is that a boomer is a pretty slow sub, but I’d actually be alarmed if they named him Fast Attack, so, fair enough.

    • 451 Byrnes

      You catch a very specific upfist with bait like this…

      • Jonny On Maui

        Squids…

        • 451 Byrnes

          Bubbleheads!

        • Invidosa

          Oooh tentacley!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, he’s supposed to be extra stealthy, you see.

  • Treg Brown

    Getting ready to go out but had to get my Nate fix.
    Enjoy the weekend!! Nate says the end is not upon us!

    Polls-plus forecast
    What polls, the economy and historical data tell us about Nov. 8

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I don’t get it. Drump is coming to Oregon in a couple of weeks and we’re in the 80% Hillary color. Does dumbshit think this is a battleground state? Ron Wyden seems worried, but he’s always worried when asking for money…

    • Daisy

      Nothing Trump does makes any sense. Ever. It actually concerns me, because normally, there’d be consistency. Awful consistency, but consistency.

      • vivian

        His campaign has a consistency. It’s the same consistency as apple sauce but smells one whole helluva lot worse.

    • WomanInAMood

      What!?! He’s coming here? Why? Why on earth?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Does he have a golf course there? Some shitty casino to look in on? It’s something to do with making money.

        • WomanInAMood

          As far as I know, he doesn’t. Which makes this utterly bizarre. Of course it’s always good when a campaign finds a theme.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Rachel was talking about this last week, vis a vis his trip to New England where he doesn’t have a chance. He’s either got an ulterior motive or truly absolutely no fucking clue how the electoral process works.

          • Daisy

            Why not both?

          • starfanglednut

            He was even here in Boston, I believe. Dude, what the ever-loving fuck. This is Massachusetts.

          • WomanInAMood

            So when is his speaking tour of California?

          • Jonny On Maui

            After his last appearance there think he’ll ever go back?

          • WomanInAMood

            A girl can dream.

      • sw19womble

        The high desert is lovely this time of year?
        Ah, happy road trip memories…

        • WomanInAMood

          I hear there’s a lovely bird refuge in Malheur county.

          • sw19womble

            Welp, there used to be. :(

    • cousin itt

      Totally does not make sense what with the notable Grimm presence in Portlandia. The Hexenbiest should know to stay the fuck away.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I think that if you draw a line between every city he visits, in sequence, you will discover a cry for help from someone in his scheduling department.

    • Panika MCD

      but all the REAL PEOPLE just LOVE him.

      • WomanInAMood

        Hang on. I’m a real person. And love is not the correct word. Loathe, otoh, well, yes.

    • SayItWithWookies

      He’s probably got some fundraising gig there and threw the campaign event in with it — I think that allows him to use campaign funds. I’m a little vague on the law, but there was recently a story about political fundraising and apparently politicians often do this.

      I do like the idea of Donald Trump trying to raise money — asking for help is something he’s constitutionally incapable of, so it must be simultaneously amusing and agonizing to watch.

    • Mezzaluna

      Is he coming for the yahoos in the eastern part of the state, for the Bundy vote as it were?

      • WomanInAMood

        The Bundys managed to piss off a lot of normal, rural Oregon people. Yes, Republican, but not batshit crazy.

    • Courser

      I think it was sometime last week when one talking head or another mentioned that Trump’s campaign is just plain stupid. He’s doing his rallies and whatnot in states he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance of hell of winning. Maine? Pennsylvania? Hillz has those all but wrapped up. He should be going places where he *could* potentially win. I think he flips a coin each morning to decide where he’ll go next.

    • Jamoche

      Going to places where there’s nothing but cheering fans doesn’t get you on all the news channels – you need some protesters.

      Or he’s just stupid. If I had a coin handy I’d flip it.

      • berkeleyfarm

        I’ve been saying “He wants to gin up some “persecution” and get on the news that way” for a while.

        But, yeah, I’ll embrace the power of “And” for this one (e.g. he wants persecution and he is stupid).

        I heard that Drump is coming to California later this month – the appearance I heard about was Tulare County which will surprise nobody who knows CA demographics – but I imagine a number of the professional protesters might actually make the long slog into Redneckistan.

        The San Joaquin Valley will break heavily for him in the general but of course it is not going to be enough to overcome the more heavily populated coastal areas.

  • Brian

    aw, I accidentally put this in wrong thread. so, reposting here.

    Gold Medal winner in Wine Spinning!

    https://twitter.com/KngHnryVIII/status/764255579036487680

    • Shan the Libtart

      Hee! I have so many friends to re-tweet this to right now…

    • btwbfdimho

      Is that the Tudor who executed the Duke of Clarence by drowning him in a vat of wine?
      I wish I could die like that…

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Plantagenet,_1st_Duke_of_Clarence

      • WomanInAMood

        That was Richard III, a Pantagenet, btw. Pre-Tudor.

        • Jonny On Maui

          You okay? Save trip?

          • WomanInAMood

            I’m good. Thor adores my ex, my ex adores Thor (as is right and proper), and it does give me the chance to vacuum without freaking my dog out. Not that I ever do, but in theory….

            How are you doing?

          • Jonny On Maui

            I’m well. I didn’t know I had this many good friends. One is especially helping.

            Thank you for asking.

          • WomanInAMood

            I’m glad to hear that. Is it too early to do my traditional toast to you?

            That was rhetorical. Cheers!

          • Jonny On Maui

            18 minutes to 4:20. Skoal!

        • Vienna Woods

          No, it was the brother of both of them, Edward IV. Richard actually argued against Clarence’s execution.

          • berkeleyfarm

            Edward most certainly did that.

            The Shakespeare Richard III just threw everything it could at Richard to see what might stick (because the Tudors, of course, had ousted Richard) and plenty did.

          • Vienna Woods

            No kidding. I blame Sir Thomas More.

          • berkeleyfarm

            Who was the protege of Bishop John Morton, who had been an influential figure in Edward’s England … Richard’s, not so much. More was seven when Bosworth happened.

            “You’ve kept me from the room where it happens … for the very last time.”

          • Vienna Woods

            A fellow Daughter of Time fan, methinks!

          • berkeleyfarm

            That started me on the path of truth!

          • Vienna Woods

            I went from there to Paul Murray Kendall.

      • Brian

        no, that was Richard III not a Tudor!!!!

    • Juan de Fuca

      Speaking of King Henry VIII, has anybody seen Anne Boleyn’s head lately?

      • Zyxomma

        A week or two ago, she floated in for a bit.

  • Shan the Libtart

    OT (Ok WAY OT and that’s why I’m putting this on the last Wonkarticle of the day)

    I like to read all the Wonkette articles. And then I like to read everyone’s responses because I love my Wonketteers. Natch, that’s not something that can be done all day on a minute-by-minute basis by anyone who, like me, isn’t independently wealthy and who has other things, like a jerb, to do every day.

    So if you like to read the thing, and then leave the non-comments section open to read the non-comments as they happen, and get to them as and when you can because Disqus handily updates the comments section with new non-comments…what do you do when you, say, upfist someone or reply to them and Disqus freaks out and sends you to a 404 page or some other weird, non-functional place that makes you go FUCK NOW I HAVE TO GO BACK AND RELOAD THE PAGE. And then you’ve lost everything and have to re-expand the page and scan through looking for potential new posts because the notifications just got lost. Same goes for shutting down and going home and then having to start up again. The browser “find”‘ function works kind of okay if you’re searching for “minute” but.. Is there a better way? Am I doing something wrong or is Disqus just stupid?

    NB: I’m not being critical of Wonkette here in any way whatsoever. I also searched page after Google page for “Disqus user tips” and didn’t get anything more useful other than how to do this sort of thing.

    • SisterArtemis

      SOOOOO glad it’s not just me!

      And I think it’s Disqus being stoopid. But maybe it’s me not knowing how to work the damn thing. Nope, probably Disqus…

      • Shan the Libtart

        I’m trying to figure out how to work it. I’d really rather find out *I’m* the idiot.

        • Jonny On Maui

          I’ve found that there are times where I have to refresh to catch something and then lose something else, or not refresh and miss seeing something.

          I’ve decided to do Zen and the Art of Disqus…

          • Shan the Libtart

            Well, that must be my problem. I apparently have no Zen because I hate losing posts after the involuntary refresh.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Oh you don’t lose them, they’re still there, you just can’t tell if they’re new except by the time stamp.

            You have Zen, it just needs practice. And going, “Zen this you little mother…” is practice too…

          • Shan the Libtart

            Yeah, I didn’t mean they’re gone completely. Just that it’s so freaking frustrating to have to sift through all the rest of them to find the new ones. Especially when you’re dealing with an article that has hundreds upon hundreds of (maybe even a couple thousand) posts already and you’ve been successfully tracking them and seeing the new ones because TIME STAMP and LITTLE BLUE “new reply” notifications like it was supposedly designed to be able to….

            Until the involuntary refresh malfunctions, that is. And then you have to start all over, so…what’s the point of Disqus having the “new reply” notifications to keep track of things if that function is so easily broken several times a day and for no apparent reason?

            It damages my Zen when I encounter programs that are so easily farqued up by everyday normal use. It ‘s been happening in my job, too, so maybe that’s why I get so frustrated.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Breathe Shan, breathe…

          • Shan the Libtart

            Do you have a spare brown paper bag?

            Sorry. This is my socializing outlet. It disturbs me when it goes wrong. I like structure and predictability and planning and…It’s a computer program, FFS. You’d think it would work better. I mean, I expect actual IRL people to flake out on me on a regular basis. But 0s and 1s should be better than that.

            https://media.giphy.com/media/A06UFEx8jxEwU/giphy.gif

          • Jonny On Maui

            I get it Shan. Remember those flaky people strung the 1s and 0s together. And built the infrastructure. I find it amazing that the whole thing doesn’t just go BOOM!

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            heh. Joke’s on us. It has gone boom, we just haven’t noticed.
            Also, I’ve been staring at Shan’s gif for like 3 minutes now.

          • Jonny On Maui

            What pill did you take again?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            The purple one, of course. I do not care for red nor blue overmuch.
            The purple one is the best one.

          • Jonny On Maui

            The hazy one?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            But of course. Standards.

          • Shan the Libtart

            I know they made it. The function of the 0s and 1s can be no better than the human putzes who pasted it together in the first place. Like I said, I have programs like that at work, stuff designed by people who have never had to use it and never WILL have to. I’m used to that.

            I guess I expected a better-functioning product from people who might actually have to use Disqus themselves at some point.

        • SisterArtemis

          One thing I’ve figured out – don’t click on ANY link in the comments section without making sure it’s going to open in a separate tab (Ctrl + left-click on my Windows laptop) – one way to avoid that reloading the page.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Very good advice!

          • Shan the Libtart

            Getting there. It’s a hard habit to break, thinking OH, LET ME JUST CLICK THIS BECAUSE THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE HOW IT WORKS.

            Life is like that, I suppose.

            Jesus, I never would have thought it would be DISQUS that turned me cynical after all these years.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Right click is your friend, Shan XD Right click makes everything ok.

          • Shan the Libtart

            Working on it. Honestly.

            But there are still straight-click things like, oh, “reply” that send me to Disqus reload hell. That’s what I’m trying to avoid. I mean, unless you mean that right-clicking on EVERYTHING I want to do in the non-comments is the way to go. In which case, I’m SO willing to try that.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I do not know if right click will work on comments. Probably not. I too have witnessed the banishment from time to time :/ Wonder what that is about?

    • Brian

      I had that a couple times during the conventions, but not since. Attributed it to high volume of comments and commenters

      • Shan the Libtart

        It happens to me multiple times a day.

        • Mezzaluna

          On your phone or tablet vs computer? Because I have a lot more reloads and lost comments with my tablet.

          • Shan the Libtart

            Oh, I don’t even bother with my phone anymore. It refreshes so frequently that I just want to throw it across the yard. I use my laptop exclusively now.

            And just trying to post that right now, I got sent to DISQUS HELL EVERYTHING IS BROKEN SORRY GO BACK AND TRY AGAIN

    • bubbuhh

      One thing that might help is to switch disqus to display “replies” in its slide out box instead of “comments.” Swapping between “comments” and “replies” as well as using the “newest,” “oldest” and “best” choices to sort of jiggle through the history helps.

      When the Discus slide out box is open, you’ll see the “comments” and “replies” options once you X-off Disqus’ stoopit tease thingie at the top of the column.

      btw, Once you close the slide-out box, Disqus will revert to the “comments” setting,

      • Shan the Libtart

        That’s not the issue I’m having. It’s on the articles themselves.

        • bubbuhh

          I read what you wrote and suggested a different way of looking at the comments. I did not promise a panacea. If you don’t want to try it, don’t.

          • Shan the Libtart

            I know. I can check my comments from my profile, no problem. What I’m after is being able to keep track of people’s comments who didn’t make them specifically to ME. I wasn’t being salty with you.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Salty is good. Chocolate is better.
            Just saying.
            As for Disgust, it is borked. No two ways about it. However, it is less borked than many other commenting mechanisms out there so there is that.
            What I do is read stuffies and upfist later so if it flips me around then at least I got to read it.

      • Mezzaluna

        I’m using an iPad and don’t see a slide out box. Is it the settings?

        • bubbuhh

          I use android and PC. What I see is a circle or “comment emoji” to the right of my screen name at the far left, top of the comments column. Clicking on the bubble thingie by the screen name should slide the discus comments tracker out from the right.

          Good luck. ;)

          • Mezzaluna

            Aaaahhhh!! It asked me if I wanted to start a discussion and offered me non Wonkette topics. I will explore further.

          • bubbuhh

            Always amazes that the “i” browsers and others can be so different for no particular reason. Again, good luck on your quest. As the Jobs would say, “the solution will be elegantly intuitive, fer shur.”

    • Joshua Norton

      There’s a Discuss Disqus channel here that may help:

      https://disqus.com/home/channel/discussdisqus/

      • Shan the Libtart

        That’s mostly for mods. Thanks, though.

  • Brian

    it’s Katie Ledecky time!!!!

  • Toadette

    I heard Trumpy is asking his followers to “patrol” voting places in November, at least in Pennsylvania.

    Please, please spread this shit to Illinois so I can call one of these fuckwads a bunch of curse words when I go to vote.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Maybe it’s time to put in a call to the Black Panthers…

      Let’s get this party started! NOT!!

      • Msgr_Moment

        I’m feeling a lot like Sheldon lately.

      • Shan the Libtart

        Yeah. Nothing gives the 2A “open carry” crowd a case of the screaming constitutional shits like seeing a bunch of Black guys in para-military gear exercising their OWN 2A “open carry” rights.

        • Toadette

          Silly, the 2nd does apply to anything but white people.

          Edit: In all seriousness, this is true. I’m a tranwoman who got punched in the face for telling a guy I was trans to get him to stop hitting on me. The cops proceeded to look for folks trying to agree that I tricked him while my nose was broke.

          Seriously, I’ll never trust the cops or the legal system. It’s fucking biased.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      He’s claiming that the only way he can lose is if there is massive voter fraud in “certain places”. It’s not even a fucking dog whistle anymore.

      • WomanInAMood

        That is because he is a piece of shit. Yeah, I know, stating the obvious.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I know. *sigh*. Listening tonight how insane conspiracy theories are now going straight from Inforwars simultaneously to Fox and Trump’s forked tongue. We’re fucking doomed.

          • WomanInAMood

            On a happier topic, because I think we both need it at the moment, how is Molly and her little buddy Hank?

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Molly is outside chasing lizards up the giant eucalyptus tree in my back yard…like many activities for her, best thing ever! Hank is in my lap “helping” me type. If you were here, I would let you borrow him for a day….he loves women who love dogs. I think I’m the only male he likes. I don’t know that I’d be charitable enough to give up my pup-pups for the night when I’m in a not great mood.

          • WomanInAMood

            It’s not easy, but I try to look at the bigger picture. And dogs are wonderful, because so many things are the best thing ever! I love coming home from work, and even though Thor has been sulking on the back of the couch forever, he is soooooo happy to see me. Best thing ever!

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Right? OK, happy nice story: I have a big desert sage next to my front walk…with the rain and heat, they bloom prodigiously with beautiful lavender flowers this time of year. Every time I take Molly for a walk, she stops and sticks her snout into the blossoms. I thought she was looking for bees, which she likes to snap at, but she just keeps her head there, perfectly still, for minutes at a time. I finally realized she just really likes smelling the flowers. A life lesson if ever there was one.

          • WomanInAMood

            There is no other word for that than lovely.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I was getting a little weepy writing it out.

          • WomanInAMood

            As well you should. We all need to seize on moments of beauty, and hold them tight. Thank you for sharing this.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Ahhh, shucks. Y’all mean a lot to me.

          • WomanInAMood

            And right back atcha. I honestly love the thought of a sweet girl smelling the flowers. My boy, on the other hand, not so much.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Thor or the ex? Or both?

          • WomanInAMood

            Wow, don’t even know how to respond. Thor is most definately my boy. I love him to distraction. Even though his obsession with smelling other dogs’ pee is a little unsettling to a human. My ex rarely cares about the scent of urine. And while I am grateful that we are not together anymore, if my ex were to find something simple like smelling flowers pleasurable, I would be very happy for him.

          • Jonny On Maui

            You are a good person.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            yeah she is. You folks make me want to be a better person, for serious. I won’t even toss in a bad joke to be unserious.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Oh Jen you’re a good person too. You ain’t fooling any of us.

            I’m not fooling either.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Oh I am good enough, but I want to be better after coming here, and reading all your stories ^.^ I guess Wonkette keeps my faith in humanity going strong, is another way to put it.

          • Jonny On Maui

            That I understand completely.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            It’s after 10. heh.

          • WomanInAMood

            Yeah, you are a peach. A funny, spicy, intelligent peach.

          • WomanInAMood

            Honestly, not so much. But I try. What is that phrase, oh yeah, “may I be the person my dog thinks I am”.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Maybe I’m framing that cuz of my new neighbor, just moved into the ohana. soon to be a single man. I get it, they fight like cats and dogs whenever the soon to be ex wife comes over to deliver the little girl I’m worried about. I can’t see either of them offering the other anything but grief.

          • WomanInAMood

            That’s just heartbreaking for the little girl. It so bothers me when adults refuse to put their kids first. You wanna fight? Fine, but not in front of the child. Show some damn class.

          • Jonny On Maui

            And I understand the frustration both are going through but one more yelling match in front of the kid and I’m calling CPS.

          • WomanInAMood

            That is an awful position to be put in. Innocent bystander, well that sucks.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I can’t stand to see kids hurt like that. Situations like this are one of the very few times I’ll impose my rather large physical composition to make folk act like the adults their supposed to be.

          • WomanInAMood

            Good for you. So many people think that if the abuse is not physical (and don’t get me wrong, that is horrifying!), it isn’t happening. But emotional cruelty is also real. And the scars can last forever. You are a good person, refusing to pretend that this isn’t happening.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Nice…a typically generous sentiment from you, dog pee notwithstanding. Me, I’ve been referred to a few times as “my favorite ex-boyfriend”. I’m waiting for a cookie and juice box.

            Molly and Hank just saw me put my shoes on to take out the trash, now they are demanding another walk. I’m such a pushover! Night. Love, peace, and revolution, my friend(s))!

          • WomanInAMood

            Have a lovely walk.

  • anwisok

    Ledecky in the women’s 800 – holy shit! it’s not will she win – it’s how many pool lengths will she win by?

    • Brian

      it’s cruel and unusual punishment to make other people swim against. They should just give her the gold, let her pick her world record time, and let the other’s race without the embarrassment.

      • Also too, none of the swimmy peeps will end up with Leprosy or the Brazilian deathilitis.

  • bubbuhh

    Paul Krugman wrote another column challenging the GOPee wlire and their servants to look clearly at their racist base and the decades of cynically using racism in the pursuit of lower taxes on the wealthy.

    Recently Avik Roy, a leading Republican health-policy expert, had the personal and moral courage to admit what liberals (and political scientists) have been saying for years: “In reality, the gravitational center of the Republican Party is white nationalism.”

    Just to be clear, I’m not saying that top Republicans were or are personally bigoted — but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that they were willing to curry favor with bigots in the service of tax cuts for the rich and financial deregulation. Remember, Mitt Romney eagerly accepted a Trump endorsement in 2012, knowing full well that he was welcoming a racist conspiracy theorist into his camp.

    All that has happened this year is a move of those white nationalists from part of the supporting cast to a starring role. So when Republicans who went along with the earlier strategy draw the line at Mr. Trump, they’re not really taking a stand on principle; they’re just complaining about the price. And the party’s top leadership isn’t even willing to do that.

    If this election goes the way it probably will, a few months from now those leading Republicans will be trying to pretend that they never really supported their party’s nominee, that in their hearts they always knew he was the wrong man.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/12/opinion/pieces-of-silver.html?ref=opinion&_r=1

    The GOPee is going to hop right on that. Uh Huh.

    • TJ Barke

      Duh. That’s always been the point of the GOP. Serve wealth. But serving wealth isn’t that popular, so they get the support of ignorant, spiteful white people that want to keep minorities down and force their religious views on everyone as a perverse means of maintaining their perceived privilege and superiority.

  • Brian

    So Priebus made a surprise appearance at Trump rally today as RNC has decided Trump needs a party babysitter with him at all times. This is going just swimmingly!

    • Jonny On Maui

      Oh yeah! Priebus is going to ride that horse.

      Trump’s going to spit out the bit and give ole priepie boy the ride of his life.

      • Brian
        • bubbuhh

          drinkin and donkeyin don’t mix

          • Brian

            I once rode a donkey down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon while tripping. That was hilarious!

        • anwisok

          Wow. They waited WAY too long to put a person on that horse, and having the dog there was icing on the cake. Oh, and the horse doesn’t even appear to be gelded! This is like they planned to film this as a “how not to do this” thing. The only way it could have been worse is if he got kicked in the face, instead of the chest.

          • Brian

            This is like they planned to film this as a “how not to do this” thing

            The documentary on Trump’s campaign.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Oh, when that comes out I might just have to take a couple days off to watch it over and over again.

          • WomanInAMood

            Do you think that Chris Guest and his crew are taking notes?

          • Brian

            “and Parker Posey as Melania Tramp.”

          • WomanInAMood

            Eugene Levy as Tim Kaine.

          • Brian

            John Michael Higgins as Donald Tramp and Jane Lynch as Hillary Clit.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            *reads that. Reads it again. Borrows TJ’s raised finger pic and then thinks better of it*

          • anwisok

            Jane would do a great Shrilliary!

          • berkeleyfarm

            Although Laura Benanti *is* a dead ringer and she can definitely do the “comic actress” thing!

        • Jonny On Maui

          That um, horse? donkey? Either, it looks like it expected to be on top…

      • Invidosa

        My god, you do have a way with disgusting imagery, don’t you darling!?

        • Jonny On Maui

          I’ve tried to reset the movies in my head but the meds didn’t agree with me.

          And I was just thinking about Priebus on a runaway horse. What images did I invoke in you?

          On second thought…

          • Invidosa

            Lol! I adore that you know me well enough not to ask!!

          • Jonny On Maui

            How have you been Invidosa?

          • Invidosa

            Oh hanging in. I’m just to the other side of a pretty hard core manic episode, so I’m all off kilter. On the upside, I’m leaving tomorrow morning to head up north (I live in Michigan) for some solo hiking & camping

          • Invidosa

            Hows bout you sugar?

          • Jonny On Maui

            One foot in front of the other. I’m okay…

          • Invidosa

            Its the best any of us can hope for honey, n’est pas? Life is all about keeping eyes forward, even if the world crumbles all around you, cause at least you still have the road.

    • Panika MCD

      what would they do if, Crom forbid, he actually made it into office?

      • Brian

        celebrate the Mike Pence Presidency!

    • SayItWithWookies

      I’ll bet Priebus figures if he’s going to get asked to explain every single batshit thing that Trump utters, he may as well be there to hear it first. Besides, Trump needs a full-time reinterpreter with him, and Priebus is already good at it:
      “No, Anderson — Mr. Trump obviously did not incite cannibals to cook and eat Nancy Pelosi. It was a metaphorical denunciation of the dependency culture that the nanny-state, tax-and-spend liberal agenda is promoting. I don’t know how it could have been any more clear.”

      • Daisy

        I figure Priebus already day drinks, but how long before he falls down drunk while on babysitting duty?

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I give it two minutes.

          • SayItWithWookies

            He’s tougher than that — hell, he’s been president of the RNC for umpteen years, so there’s nothing he could do now that would hurt his soul. And Reince has done this shit for several of the last Trump debacles, so he might enjoy it.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            He’s not going to have a job come november. I give it 2 minutes tops.

          • anwisok

            Assumes facts not in evidence. Do you have proof that he has a soul?

          • SayItWithWookies

            See, that was the implication — that’s why it wouldn’t hurt it.

        • He’s had to live with that name… he’s used to bullies

  • bubbuhh

    Looking at that pic, I must question Phelps’ choice of cosmetics.

    • Jonny On Maui

      needs moar eyeliner…

      • bubbuhh

        Mebbe, one of those facial masques and cucumber eyes, too.

      • cousin itt

        I’m seeing something Floki-esque.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Ohhh… I like him. The Boat Builder…

    • Brian

      one of the first things out of the mouth of a woman gold medal winner tonight was, “I broke a nail,” justifies it! she’s just a stupid modeling girl, who happens to a Stanford grad who already have already said this is her last Olympics because she has a career lined up in analytics. But, duh, girl!!!!

      • bubbuhh

        Phelps looks like he broke his dick. Glad he dint blurt that out. Kudos to him.

  • I laughed, I cried, I hired John Facenda to narrate the dockermentary.

  • WomanInAMood

    So do you all think that maybe our beloved Wonkette will start putting up light-hearted posts at the end of each day to a) give us a place to chat, and b) avoid the trolls?

    • Jonny On Maui

      I wonder how the ‘Kings’ really feel about us. I mean, compared to other places, and yes, I do not get out much or around much, this place is real different as to the folk that comment. More like a family than just a group of folk.

      • WomanInAMood

        I agree. Actually my tablet had a bit of an existential crisis a couple of days ago, and it looked like it might be a few weeks to get things fixed. Was I upset about Hulu, Netflix, etc.? Nope. I was totally upset that I would miss the Wonkers. Perhaps I should look into a 12 step program.

        It just turned out to be a crappy charger. Thanks Samsung! And Obama!

        • Daisy

          I just came to the realization that in two weeks, I’m going to have to cut down on my dance party participation, because that’s the day I have a late class. :(

          • Pickwicknext

            That is poor planning on your part. I always made sure to not have class on Gilmore Girls night!

          • Daisy

            *grimaces* I know, but the class only had one schedule, and I really wanted that particular class.

          • Pickwicknext

            What’s with profs wanting to teach at night? My university had no arts or social science classes on Fridays

          • Daisy

            I have no idea, honestly. It’s one of the upper division classes freshmen are allowed to take, but I doubt that has anything to do with the time of the class.

          • Pickwicknext

            Maybe prof has perpetual hangover?

          • Daisy

            This could be it. Oh never mind, my late class is on Tuesdays. I forgot, because I have a lateish class on Wednesdays. So my participation will be affected, but much more mildly.

          • Pickwicknext

            Congratulations! You have joined your first cult here at yr Wonkette!

          • Jonny On Maui

            “One of us! One of us!”

          • Pickwicknext

            Always appropriate here

          • Daisy

            Technically, this is my second cult. I was an FFA student. The joke was, “You can’t spell ‘agriculture’ without cult!” But I dearly love R Wonkette.

          • Pickwicknext

            My mom was worried about me getting sucked into a cult when i went away to university when i came home, she was more worried about me starting one

          • Daisy

            *giggles*

          • Pickwicknext

            “What do you want to do tonight, Brain?”
            “The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!”

          • Daisy

            I think some of my former classmates are worried I’m going to try taking over the world. Their concerns *may* be justified…:)

          • Jonny On Maui

            Yes. Please run for office. Gotta hear what your mom has to say about that!

          • Pickwicknext

            So far…supportive, but mostly because she hates my current job. I got a worried text from her because i spend some time vaguely near where the terrorist the RCMP shot the other day was headed

            http://www.cbc.ca/beta/news/canada/aaron-driver-mosque-1.3718570

          • Daisy

            Yikes!

          • Pickwicknext

            She’s a little nuts. I was also working in downtown Ottawa 1 block from Parliament and less than half a block from the American embasay on 9/11

          • Daisy

            Wow, that’s close! My parents watched it on TV while it was happening, but from all the way across the country.

          • Pickwicknext

            Yeah…that was not a good year or so afterwards downthere. The bookstore i worked for got closed 3 times in one weekend sue to bomb threats during the G20 conference

          • Daisy

            Oh, shit, that’s kinda scary! I only remember the aftermath of 9/11-the war. I was too young to remember the attack itself.

          • Pickwicknext

            Ha! I remember when you all attacked Iraq….the first time! And a little bit, the Berlin wall coming down

          • Daisy

            I remember Hurricane Katrina vividly. It’s my clearest memory of Bush’s stupidity.

          • Pickwicknext

            First time i went home for lunch during school hours was during late elementary school. It was my birthday and i didn’t want to deal with people any more…do i went home and made myself lunch and turned on the news…to see the reports about Columbine

          • Daisy

            Oh fuck, that is awful!

          • Vienna Woods

            We Canucks were there in ’91, also, too, don’t forget. UN action, theoretically.

          • Pickwicknext

            I was 9 so i have an excuse for not recalling that!

          • Jonny On Maui

            Moms worry. That’s what they do.

          • Pickwicknext

            I know. It’s funny now because I’m 35 and can laugh about it

          • Vienna Woods

            My son was over there two blocks away the next day picking up a friend.

          • Pickwicknext

            Eeek. Glad you son is OK though!

          • Shan the Libtart

            You have so many parental-type units here at Wonkette. And avuncular ones. And whatever other word corresponds to aunties.

            If anybody knows THAT one, I’ve LOVE to learn it. Google failed me badly.

          • Daisy

            *shrugs* I wish I knew , too. Also, *hugs everybody* I adore you guys!

          • Jonny On Maui

            Aunties is popular here. I’ll take one of the grandpop slots, based on age.

          • Invidosa

            I’ve been told that im the auntie that every kid dreams of and every parent lives in terror of!!

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Auntastic

          • Shan the Libtart

            I love that. It should be added to Websters right the hell now.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I stoled it off the intertubes XD
            http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=294711
            Apparently, materteral is a real thing but only for maternal aunties.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Good. You post good music. Tho everyone does really…

          • Daisy

            Aww, thanks! The music every posts is really good. I mostly have to remember to post stuff that isn’t Hamilton or James Bay.

          • WomanInAMood

            Take the class, and revel in It!

          • Daisy

            Oh, I will! It a class on the history and practice of human rights, and I’m so excited!

          • WomanInAMood

            That sounds really exciting! Dance party is fun, but this sounds like it will make a difference in your thoughts. And you can come here Thursday through Tuesday.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Don’t be silly, we’ll still be here dancing the night away after class ^.^

          • Daisy

            *laughs* And I double-checked my schedule. The latest class is actually Tuesday. I honestly should’ve figure, I hate Tuesdays. But I love that class already, so Tuesdays may be nice now.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I honestly really enjoyed my late night classes. Profs were more chill, they knew you REALLY wanted to be there, they made themselves more accesible, etc.
            Those and the early mornings were always my favs. And I hate mornings with the passion of a million burning suns.

          • Daisy

            The early mornings are waiting until second semester. Thing is, I’m still getting up fairly early because I thought I was going to take earlier classes than I did, and my roommates get up early.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            eh may as well XD No good slacking on that until your second semester anyway. Give it a few all nighters…or 2 nighters…or…3 nighters…..
            *do NOT DO 3 NIGHTERS. you start to see things. That is not good.

          • Daisy

            I stayed up until 3am once. My mom gets up at that time for her job, and she gave me her, “What the fuck are you doing, I have to be up at this hour” look.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I once had 3 papers, a translation, and 2 finals allllll in the span of 3 days. By the end of that mess I was seeing things crawling on my walls and apparently crank calling a local church and asking if Jesus was home.
            Don’t remember any of it. Do remember waking up and my roommate informing me I slept for 47 hours.
            Edit: In retrospect, I am pretty sure she was exaggerating since my bladder was never /that/ strong. But if she wasn’t, she probably should have called 911 after hour 20 or so.

          • Daisy

            Wow, that’s *insane*!

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Yes. Yes it was. So I do not recommend it XD All nighters are overrated…unfortunately I doubt anyone in collage can truly avoid them unless they have those endemic memory dohickies and thus do not have to study, AND are psychic and know that 3 profs will all give you papers due in 3 days, on the same day, so as to get them all done ahead of time.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Hi. I’m punkindrublic, and I’m a Wonkaholic.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I sometimes get the feeling that the Kings want to poke us with things from time to time, but generally are all chillax. Like one would be to wayward children whom are mildly amusing.

        • WomanInAMood

          I may be wayward, but I am seldom mild. Damn them!

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I’m pretty mild. Most boring person I know but hey, someone has to be the record keeper.

          • WomanInAMood

            I’ve always thought of you as sharp and spicy. Oh the mysteries of the web!

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            In the grand scheme of cheese I would be Velveta. True.
            Mild, somewhat indigestible, and utterly mixed from things from everything else.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Lie.

          • WomanInAMood

            Nope. Not buying what you’re selling.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Darn. That was good though, right? I was quite proud of the somewhat indigestible bit. Even if I probably spelled it wrong.

          • WomanInAMood

            If you used spell check, er, wait a minute, er nevermind. Spelled correctly, even though the sentiment was mistaken. For proof, go up thread.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I had some issue with my browser underlining everything and throwing ads at me, so as I was clearing up the adware, I turned off all underlines on my computer XD Now I have to manually apply a spell checker OR just ignore it.
            Being really lazy, I tend to just ignore it.

          • WomanInAMood

            Your wisdom is that of the ancients.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I like to excuse my shoddy spelling by reminding folks that English is an entirely arbitrary language and thus spelling rules are not carved in stone.

          • WomanInAMood

            I am frequently distrustful of people who can only figure out one way to spell a word.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I like this and shall shamelessly steal it for future posturing XD

          • WomanInAMood

            Actually, I’m pretty sure I stole this myself. Just can’t remember from who.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            That is ok, stealing things is why god invented the internet.
            Or maybe it was Al Gore. Get the two of ’em mixed up. Supreme being of all creation/dude in plaid who talks about rising sea levels…tomayto/tomahto

          • SayItWithWookies

            Here you go — Sarah Palin creating a little bit of history. I think it was during the 2008 presidential campaign.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pXaK30qNBM

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I refudiate that sentiment.

          • John Smith

            I aggrieved half-heartedly!

          • SayItWithWookies

            I turn off spellchecker because it’s so ignorant and inflexible and I hate hitting “Add to Dictionary” for every y’all and gonna that I type. But it’s like one of those trick candles that goes out for two seconds and then lights up again — it’s the default setting in so many programs that it never goes away.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I made mine go away XD But I got into the hidden files and such what so I probably fucked something but good.
            I’ve been trying to figure out how to turn it back on, but then I said fuck it, not worth it.

          • John Smith

            Without the files part, this is remarkably similar to what an old girlfriend said about me!

            I now has a sad.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I was trying to figure out which part and then I reread it and went awwww NOOOOooooooo
            so :hugs: for you. Since we are all pantless here, your wallet should be safe.

          • John Smith

            Thanks. No worries about the wallet though, right now it only contains 3 spiders and a voter registration card.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Voter registration card needs to go ninja and ACORN them spiders.

          • John Smith

            But the spiders know about James O’Keefe!

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Velveeta with jalapenos and ghost chiles, maybe.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Cheesey Salsa!

          • Jonny On Maui

            If you’re adding ghost chiles the jalapenos must be for flavor…

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            You bite into the jalapenos for a little relief!

        • anwisok

          Remember how exasperated Evan was the first couple of dance parties, wanting us to stop posting youtube embeds because it crashed Disqus? But then we spent two or three weeks trying like hell to find a workaround, and now he closes his dance party post with a mention of how we’re all “dancing and sharing your music in the comments, the way you do.”? LOL I think they notice that kind of effort to contribute, so they overlook us crashing disqus two or three times a week.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            We did try pretty hard XD That was fun lol

          • John Smith

            Yep!

          • Daisy

            I can understand that, but at the same time, Disqus does what it wants, and what it wants is to not work most of the time.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            so….Disqus is an American?

          • Pickwicknext

            It’a goddamn taker!

          • Daisy

            Yes.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            I am going to stick up for disqus here. It’s trying to do do way too much, and mostly succeeding. That’s an engineering feat.

  • cousin itt

    OT Just now. Donald Trump declared Friday that there’s only one way he could lose the state of Pennsylvania: if he’s cheated out of it.

    “We’re going to watch Pennsylvania. Go down to certain areas and watch and study and make sure other people don’t come in and vote five times,” he said at a rally in Altoona, Pennsylvania. “If you do that, we’re not going to lose. The only way we can lose, in my opinion — I really mean this, Pennsylvania — is if cheating goes on.”

    Trump said that Republican leaders in the state “are very concerned” about the possibility of cheating — adding that “we have to call up law enforcement, and we have to have the sheriffs and the police chiefs and everybody watching.

    At this point, nothing would surprise me.

    • Daisy

      To steal from Callyson here: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

    • bubbuhh

      I guess he thinks there are an awful lot of coal miners in Philly and environs. Certainly, he doesn’t know what poll watchers are.

    • WomanInAMood

      Will he call out the Fire Marshalls? He has a track record of that, at least.

    • Jonny On Maui

      I guess he doesn’r realize he’s already lost Pennsylvania…

      • Pickwicknext

        There is a lot he doesn’t realize

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Once again, Trump you ignorant fucker, you will lose PA because PA is blue and does not like you.
      But you go ahead with your sheriffs and shit. That way, when you lose- and you will- you can’t bitch about how it was rigged.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I’m guessing massive voter intimidation in Philly and Pittsburg. These people never cease to charm.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        heh. They will really be surprised if they think they will intimidate ANYone in Philly. Or Pittsburg really.
        Tough towns.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I hope so. I also worry that some people-for whom voter enfranchisement might be relatively recent-could be put off their game by gangs of nasty white thugs patrolling the voting areas.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            As if any of the pasty cowards of Trump following would step foot one in a black neighborhood.
            No, they will stick to the burbs where they feel safe and claim victory from afar.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Again, I hope so. Bullies find courage in numbers. I also realize these are some strong communities we’re talking about. I pray for the heroes to step up and win the day.

          • jmhm

            I’m counting on them to have no ground game even if they could afford one by then.

        • jmhm

          Major Strasser: Are you one of those people who cannot imagine the Germans in their beloved Paris?
          Rick: It’s not particularly my beloved Paris.
          Heinz: Can you imagine us in London?
          Rick: When you get there, ask me!
          Captain Renault: Hmmh! Diplomatist!
          Major Strasser: How about New York?
          Rick: Well there are certain sections of New York, Major, that I wouldn’t advise you to try to invade.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Pretty much like that XD The Trump Troopers will be nice and safe in like Delco and maybe bucks…but let ’em TRY to sneak into the city proper.
            I double dog dare them.

          • Daisy

            they won’t. Wingnuts don’t even go into the east side here, and i *think* my hometown still has a white majority. My perspective could be *really* skewed though, because of where in the town I live.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            The funny thing with wingnuts? They spend more of their lives in their neighborhoods, or their immediate geographic area- most everyone else has to travel to work, school, etc.
            I really think the reason a wingnut is made is because they never were able to “get out” of whereever it is they are. Once you get out, and see life from other angles, there is no way you can go rwnj.
            Edit: Not that those who do not traverse have to be rwnj mind.

          • Daisy

            *nods* That’s *exactly* what it’s like here. A fair few of them haven’t been able to vote (California only restored voting rights last year), but the ones that do are total wingnut, Trump supporters. With a couple ex-Cruz voters thrown in.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            It is funny, even if they do go to collage, they remain in like little enclaves. And they never /want/ to experience something different, which is just sad really. Either they fear it because unknown or they just lack the mental capacity to be able to accept something different, idk. Pitiable either way really.

          • Daisy

            It really is sad.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I’ve long thought, even as a young, that the best thing we could do for our youth is to send them away from us for a year. Just a year! Learn a trade or build homes for the homeless or something, anything. Just a year to go off and be and do outside of the safety zone.
            Still think that. HS isn’t very useful sophomore year, we could use that one.

          • Daisy

            I’d like that. I hated sophomore year.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Totally useless, right? It was like here, we are going to stick you here because we have no clue what to do with you people. Deal with it.
            Junior not much better.

          • Daisy

            Some of the classes were cool, like AP Euro, but I don’t function well around straight guys that I haven’t known since I was six, much less ones I have a crush on. That entire year was me humiliating myself.

          • Jonny On Maui

            18 to 20, 2 years of service for everybody. don’t complete it? No college for you!

            Pick your job. War corps or CCC, Civilian Conservation Corps.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I could get behind that ^.^
            My HS had mandatory volunteer service, so did my collage (because, both catholic, they’re like that) and although I did resent being forced to volunteer, I did and still do greatly appreciate the experiences I gained through them. The people I met, the life stories I heard, it was something, and all of it good.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I wasn’t ready for college after HS. My 4 years in the Army gave me an education I’d never get at a school. I was quite ready for college when I returned to civilianhood.

          • WomanInAMood

            I love Casablanca! This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

          • jmhm

            I’m kind of a classic Hollywood geek.

          • WomanInAMood

            I want Ilsa’s hat, the huge white one when she’s in the bazaar. Want! Of course, I also want her profile.

          • jmhm

            It’s very encouaging to me that Ingrid Bergman became a jolie laide later in life. Makes me feel as if there’s still hope for me hitting a fabulous stage.

          • WomanInAMood

            Never thought of her as a jolie laide, merely a woman who grew up. But, potaytoes, potahtoes.

        • cousin itt

          Been to Philly many times. In-laws there. You are correct, they will not be intimidated. As for myself, I am working a get out the vote for Hillary this weekend in my Denver ‘hood. Can’t wait.

      • Mezzaluna

        It would be funny in a horrible way to watch them try.

    • btwbfdimho

      He called the sheriff but didn’t call the deputy!

  • Brian

    Are Wonketteers aware there is an animated movie out today by Seth Rogen that’s titled Sausage Party? That seems like something people here might enjoy.

  • Callyson

    RuPaul on the election:

    Do you want a pompous braggart who doesn’t
    know anything about diplomacy? Or do you want a badass bitch who knows
    how to get shit done?

    Tell ’em, Ru!

    • Pickwicknext

      Bitches better WORK!

    • WomanInAMood

      How are you ever going to love anybody, if you don’t love yourself?

    • jmhm

      Ru has such a great take on power dynamics.

    • TJ Barke

      #bossbitch.

  • Brian
    • Brian
      • Jonny On Maui

        Holy Crap!

      • bubbuhh

        Is that Trump?

        • Pickwicknext

          No…it’s still not sinking

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        She’s freakin amazing. Our wiminz this year…dear lord they are awesomeness.
        Shotput, dashers, swimmers, gymnasts, vollyballers….<3 Go get em' ladies

        • WomanInAMood

          Heartbreaking about the soccer team.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Aw they tried their best. For realz, there’s no real losing in the olympics.
            However, I did read briefly that one of the refugee team medaled and I was all *swell!*

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Yeah, I was bummed about that too. Soccer is a cruel sport…one mental mistake, and it’s over.

        • Brian

          you left out equestrians! Our unexpected Bronze medalist who leads the American team tomorrow with a real chance to medal. All she did was recover from her horse breaking her back.

          A story by America’s best sports writer who has been crushing it with great human interest stories this Olympics, but who saw Graves coming last December!

          http://sportsworld.nbcsports.com/laura-graves-movie-magic/

      • btwbfdimho

        The other girls stopped to get a selfie with the Tonga guy.

      • Spotts1701

        It’s simply flat-out mindboggling to thing that she’s that much better at this than the field. She’s a full 10 seconds faster than the second-fastest woman ever in this event. There is zero drama when Ledecky is racing other than wondering by how much she’ll break her own records, and she’s only 19.

  • anwisok

    So, back from a very enjoyable dinner. I had a very nice crab bisque, followed by shrimp, scallops & portabella mushrooms, with green beans, in a cream sauce over spinach linguine. Quite smooth and creamy, and also too nicely flavorful. Tiramisu for dessert, which was nice! Not that that’s what Wonkette might be interested in, though!

    Near the end of the meal, talk started to turn to politics – of the local/state variety, and BIL’s hubbie shut that shit down hard! Shortly after, we were done eating and both hubbies left the table – one to the restroom, the other out for a smoke. I took the opportunity to broach the subject of The Donald.

    I framed it very carefully, saying, “I know you’re pro Trump.” Nod. “I am very much not.” Frowning nod. “I’m sure you’ve heard all the arguments for why Donald would be bad for the country, just like I’ve heard all the arguments for why Hillary would be terrible.” Eyerolling nod of agreement. “But, online that’s pretty much all anybody says. Everybody talks about how bad the other guy is gonna be. Nobody ever seems to make a case *for* Trump. Without going into what Hillary would do wrong, I’d really like to hear why you think Donald will be good for the country. Please, tell me why someone should vote FOR him, rather than *against* her.”

    Immediate reply: “He’ll build a wall,” followed by a sentence or two about illegal immigration. Next, Syrian refugees. “They want to let 10,000 refugees in. You can’t just call up the Syrian embassy and do a background check. And even if they’re right 99.9% of the time, that means 100 bad ones. It only took one to do San Bernadino. It only took one to do Orlando.” After that, he started to swerve to attacking Hillary’s positions, but I’ll give him credit for actually talking about a policy position – free college for most. I reminded him that I was looking for pro-trump, not anti-Hillary, and he got back on message with comments about the Supreme Court, followed by some platitudes about how “he tells it like it is,” and “he isn’t politically correct. But, anyway, my big issue is immigration.”

    I didn’t press for details, I didn’t bring up the absurd amount of money a wall would cost. I wanted to let him have his say, and I heard pretty much what I expected. But he wasn’t done. Oh, no. He had to go for the money shot. And he actually went there.

    “And I’m on Social Security and Medicare, plus I’ve got my pension and 401k. I don’t think they can really mess with me too much.”

    Somehow, I remained civil and wrapped up the political discussion before our husbands returned. He’s supposed to stop by tomorrow to drop off a tomato pie. That will probably be the last time I see him until Christmas, and that will be plenty soon enough for me.

    Anyway. That is my glimpse into the mind of a Trump voter.

    • Zyxomma

      Thanks for letting us know. I’m sure I’m not the only one who was concerned. Happy birthday, again. May your next trip around the sun be blessed with love, health, peace, abundance, laughter, friendship, courage, community, and joy. And a Hillary landslide of LBJ in ’64 proportions, at least.

      • anwisok

        You are too kind! Let’s see . . . . love, ok, hubbie: health, well, within any definition of reasonable, for my age? yeah, so far so good: peace, we shall see :( : abundance, well, this could improve: laughter, Oh, we’re covered here – I see myself naked every day!: friendship, That’s what Wonkette is for, right?: courage, no promises, but I’ll try: community, uh, Wonkette, again?: and joy, Oh, well. Isn’t that a transitory thing? I’d hope we all feel that from time to time, but it really isn’t something sustainable, I’m afraid.

        • WomanInAMood

          I don’t do this everyday, but I think you need this. (((Hugs)))

          • anwisok

            Ahhhhhh . . .. Thanks!

          • Jonny On Maui

            ::hugs:: from me too brah!

          • anwisok

            Oh, I know you’ve got the bong ready! We’re good, dude.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Imma hugger. If next drinky thing the car is not broked ass I am going to hug everyone multiple times and I swear not lift a single wallet.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Will you swear not to lift multiple wallets?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            ….maybe…….

          • WomanInAMood

            Careful, I suspect her Velveeta disguise is only to lull us into complacency.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            When I rule the world I plan to have a secretary of drinky things. I don’t drink myself, really, but I feel very strongly there should be a secretary of drinky things. And one for Archaeology because /important/

            Edit: Come to think on it, they could probably be the same person.

          • WomanInAMood

            Can I sign up to be the secretary of drinky things? I like drinky things, and feel that I could bring a lot of first person experience to the position.

          • pstockholm

            I can dig it.

        • jmhm

          You know, as frustrating as that must have been, there’s a whiff of grace in your having that conversation with your BIL’s husband.

          At least that’s a barn the horse has well and truly fled from, as long as we make it our business to vote to disoblige him (does he understand how few fucks his faction in the Court gives about stare decisis when it comes to stuff like basic human rights?)

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Kind of a quibble but I think happiness is the transitory thing. It’s usually based in the moment. Joy, to me at least, is sustainable. I don’t think it matters how young or old you are, as long as you are living true to yourself you can be joyful as you go through life. Happiness/sadness is like weather and joy/sorrow is like climate. I wish you happy/sunny days and a joyful future. Happy birthday.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Well said.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Happiness can be viewed as the memory of a perfect moment. Sipping mimosas at dawn atop an alien Tripod at dawn, or orgasming after breaking your bed, or perfectly recovering from a bike crash.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      For the record, I am always interested in Tiramisu.
      Not going to lie about that.
      Also, it is always hilarious how many people who hate “takers” are on the government dime.

    • Jonny On Maui

      The eyewash station is thataway….

    • Mission Drifter

      I’ve had someone explain their support for Trump (and Palin and Nugent) as “because they make liberals crazy”. I have to concede the point, they got me there. To be honest I’d vote for Sean Penn, given the opportunity, just to fuck with them.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Gotta hand it to someone willing to cut off their own left nut just to make someone else “crazy”
        You should tell the next one that liberals HATE when people cut off their left nuts. See what happens.

        • anwisok

          They’ll cut off their RIGHT nut instead. duh.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            If it works we can tell them what really enrages liberals is people who don’t vote ^.^
            Which is true,really. Most of us want everyone to vote, no matter who they are or for whom they vote.

          • anwisok

            This is true, isn’t it? I want to do a big vinyl thing for my back window:
            I don’t care
            Who you vote FOR
            Just vote!

        • jmhm

          Hey! You know who else only had one nut?

      • anwisok

        I hypothesize that is how Al Franken won his first term.

    • Juan de Fuca

      Found out last Friday that the guy at work who keeps putting up anti-Hillary pictures on our union bulletin boards around work is a Trump supporter. Angry as fuck dude with a high paying union job and he also doesn’t like being associated with a union. He’s been put on notice to knock it off but still. Guy has a high paying union job, with great bennies and can’t stand unions. Self-awareness is a mother fucker.

      • Daisy

        *bangs head against desk*

        • anwisok

          *slides Daisy a pillow*

          • Daisy

            Thanks. I can;t comprehend being that stupid, or willfully ignorant, even though I’ve seen it in action.

          • anwisok

            You’re young. You’ll learn. Here. Have another pillow. TRUST ME – you’re gonna need it.

          • Daisy

            *takes pillow* Much better. I love pillows.

          • Juan de Fuca

            You’ll see it soon enough ;) Some people regress in a good way as they get older. Some simply never made it past the 4th grade. True story. Most of us olds aren’t that crazy though. If I had to wager a guess, it would be whatever percentage of the population is supporting Trump. 15-25% is how I see it. We’ll find out soon enough.

      • jmhm

        My dad passed last year after decades of Medicare treatments for largely lifestyle-related conditions while he lived on his social security and the pension his public-sector union got for him in his rent-controlled apartment, and was capable of working himself into a purple-faced rage because Bobby Kennedy asked for a fork and knife to eat pizza with when he was campaigning in New York.

        He listened to a lot of Limbaugh.

        • Juan de Fuca

          Upvote for the comment. I’m sorry to hear about your dad.

          • jmhm

            He’s on my mind this week. This unhinged woman he used to date (who I am not making this up showed up for his service dressed like Holly Golightly) re-emerged after my uncle’s funeral to try to get me to pay for DVDs she says she lent him by sending nasty e-mails.

            I miss ragey people screwing with my life way less than you’d think.

          • Juan de Fuca

            *hugs* *fist bump*

          • jmhm

            You know, one of the nice things about being a old is you get to pick who’s in your life.

            Being a old is fucking awesome.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Less the losing fight with gravity…

          • WomanInAMood

            Hey, some of us olds are eternally perky!

            I am not one of them, but still….

          • Jonny On Maui

            Me either! On the plus side jungle clearing is still having an overall positive effect. I’m below 250 lbs for the first time in a long time and have lost a full cup size.

            I really didn’t want that moob sports bra…

          • jmhm

            Yeah, that law definitely won, but in fairness I never fought it very hard :)

          • WomanInAMood

            I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.

          • jmhm

            It’ll pass. And in the mean time, it takes some fucks I no longer have the energy for off the table.

            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f425116c59f6dfdf204b000ef637a937629e8030e753f01f272cd6da8c61da17.jpg

          • WomanInAMood

            It will. And the unhinged woman will soon vanish. Doesn’t mean that this doesn’t suck, though.

          • jmhm

            Yeah, but I have canned clams to fend off the apocalypse with and later I can go out onto the balcony and perseid-spot, so it could be way worse :)

          • WomanInAMood

            Wow, you have truly internalized “always look on the bright side of life”. And I, for one, salute you.

          • jmhm

            D’aw.

          • WomanInAMood

            Fighting off the apocalypse with canned class. There is no place else on the internet that this sentence would make any sense at all. I love it here.

            And I hope that the perseids are glorious!

      • anwisok

        Well. That makes sense! (no, it doesn’t. at all.)

        • Be Gin

          A common union-busting tactic is the use of “plants” who inform management about union activities. They are on two payrolls and they qualify as grade A fertilizer.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Wants all the bennies, hates paying dues. Been there, seen that. Morons.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        He doesn’t mean /his/ job, tho!

        These folks will never get it until it happens to them. Every time.

        • Juan de Fuca

          Would they even get it then, or would they blame somebody else? I have a hunch that some people just like playing the victim. It’s like a conditioned response. Like Pavlov’s dog if his dog rolled over and played dead everytime the bell rang.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            My FIL is like that. Dude has everything anyone could possibly want and is still one of the angriest men I have ever met. He trusts no one, loves no one and only hears the voices in his head. A lot like Ferret Top, whom he supports of course.

      • pstockholm

        Union shoulda fought for weed instead of bennies, he would been much mellower.

      • Be Gin

        I run into that too. Unions in America are riddled with anti-labor reactionaries.

        In the old days they were called “plants”. They joined the union so they could attend meetings and then let their rat-like nature take it’s course.

        May Cthulhu Smite Them!

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    ok….why is the lady vollyballers wearing their red bikini tops OVER their night time shirts? Is that a thing? Can I wear my bra over my shirt now and claim I am a vollyballer?

    • Brian

      because that’s their uniform with their country and number on it. The undergarment was only because it was cold. It was weirder they weren’t wearing their usual bottoms too.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        That makes sense. Ah well, someday *eyes bra*

        • Brian
          • Jen_Baker_VA

            If I tried that I would poke holes in my knees.

          • Jonny On Maui

            The knees do get beat to hell and back in their old age, don’t they…

          • John Smith

            Both genders, IYKWIM.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I really regret my misspent youth on my knees, Jonny. Archaeology is a young lady’s game for sure.
            These days I go out to garden and get STUCK. wtf

          • Jonny On Maui

            Laying carpet is fun on the knees too. And the time it takes to get vertical again, Sheesh!

          • btwbfdimho

            i guess she wore that for her job interview at Faux News.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Oh, if I had one of those — I’d get a couple square yards of coconut fiber, some topsoil, some ferns and bromeliads and bryophotyes and maybe a fuchsia and hang that sucker from my veranda.

          • SayItWithWookies

            I’d probably get arrested for kidnapping though, so I’d settle for doing the same with the metal corset she’s wearing.

    • anwisok

      Because OLYMPICS. When *you* are the best in the world, you can do what the fuck ever you want, ok?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Brian’s answer was more logical, but I think yours is better XD

        • anwisok

          You are, however, allowed to do what they did, and claim them as inspiration. Because – again – OLYMPICS!

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I just want to claim I am a beach vollyballer because that sounds like a cool thing to be able to claim.
            But I seriously doubt short chubby old women would be believed, claiming that. However- I will tell them you said I could and so there.
            Works for me!

          • anwisok

            You misunderstand me. You don;t have to claim to be one of them – although that’s fine with me, too – you just need to claim that it’s ok because they do it! Role models should expect to be copied, right?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Well true and I get that, but it was more the claim I wanted than the actual wearing of underroos on the outside.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    After claiming the Obama founding ISIS was sarcasm, but not really, I guess it’s time for yet another campaign reboot.
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CpkfwmQUIAAiVUe.jpg

    • DainBramage

      Trump’s campaign needs a reboot more often than Windows 95.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Doesn’t have a beat and you cannot dance with it, being tied up and all, but still…Happy Friday to all and to all a good weekend!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJUhlRoBL8M

    • WomanInAMood

      I love this to an idolatrous degree! Thanks! Sleep well.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Good night Jen.

    • John Smith

      Night.

    • jmhm

      waves more

  • Daisy

    Good night, everyone!

    • WomanInAMood

      Sleep well!

    • Jonny On Maui

      Good night Daisy.

    • anwisok

      G’night!

    • jmhm

      waves

  • Goposaur

    Someone is so going to prison after he loses this election.

    • John Smith

      Hopefully, Trump!

      • WomanInAMood

        The pronoun is something of a hint.

    • jmhm

      I really hope she can resist the urge to pardon him.

    • anna rampage

      Killery will turn over Ben Ghazi once she’s secured the nations highest elected office…

      • anwisok

        The question is: can she pardon herself?

        • jmhm

          Obama’s still going to be around for a while.

          • anwisok

            Well, of course. Hillary’s going to appoint him to the Supreme Court! I also too have some really sweet acid to sell you. Or E. Or meth. Whatever the drug du jour is.

          • jmhm

            Can it have Mickey Mouse on it?

          • anwisok

            Mr. Natural, or GTFO!

          • jmhm

            but I have never trucked

          • anwisok

            Double dose of windowpane, and binge watch this til you’re chill.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0V-hgkknlk

          • jmhm

            Long, check. Strange, check. Diverse visibility conditions…

          • Jonny On Maui

            I’m up for that double dose!

          • Jonny On Maui

            As the wizard, right?

          • jmhm

            with stars. Many stars.

            Trufax: I met Bear once at a party. He was delightfully scandalous on the subject of the Dead.

          • WomanInAMood

            With any luck, on the Supreme court.

  • anna rampage

    It’s a Friday night dance party and the 45tj street farm and grill…..

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=R7uC5m-IRns

  • Jonny On Maui

    Well, I was hoping for something Wonkette diet inducing but no such luck. So off to rustle up some chow. BRB…

    • TJ Barke

      I’m sure there’s a luau somewhere nearby you could crash.

    • anna rampage

      Have you been to Sushi Paradise down in Kehei? It’s a bit of a strip mall dive, but they have some of the best shushi I’ve ever had in my life…

      • Jonny On Maui

        No, I haven’t. I haven’t sushied ever. Spawn does. I’ll have him take me next time he’s here.

  • Jeff in the desert

    I know I am late to the party, but did Trump say something stupid today?….HAHAHAHAHAHA

    • jmhm

      It is a day with Y in it is how you know.

      • TJ Barke

        Water’s wet, sky’s blue, donnie says something insane or contradictory.

        • jmhm

          You know, if you swap Trump for Donnie that’s a haiku.

          • TJ Barke

            Good idea!

    • anna rampage

      I wish I had stock in rubber sheets, as he shit the bed once again….

    • WomanInAMood

      Sharks gotta swim,
      Buzzards gotta fly,
      This must be a day
      that ends in a y,
      Can’t help avoiding
      that Trump of mine….

      New Republican Theme Song.

  • Serai 1

    That fanfic is glorious. I really liked this, found in the comments:

    Tom Cruise and Scott Baio Make Plans

    Fan Fiction in One Act

    Tom Cruise: “Scott Baio, would you like to go out for ice cream, if there are no gay people there?”

    Scott Baio: “Only if there are black people there!”

    (awkward, uncomfortable silence)

    • WomanInAMood

      Oddly, I am also feeling an awkward, uncomfortable silence.

    • jmhm

      The greatest aquatic fanfiction ever, though, is the legendary Texts from Cephalopods in the small but mighty Octopus Steals My Video Camera and Swims off with It While It’s Recording fandom.

      https://youtu.be/x5DyBkYKqnM

      • Jonny On Maui

        That’s wild!

        • jmhm

          I am pitifully weak to the lolarious ways of octopi

      • WomanInAMood

        That is the best. octopus. ever.

        • SisterArtemis

          He just wants to learn how to make films! He’ll be ALL the rage in the Octopi world!

          • jmhm

            Basically I think he just wants to direct.

        • jmhm

          He really is. I think they’re the zen monks of the sea.

  • bubbuhh
    • ahughes798

      That’s just amazing! Thanks!

  • theCryptofishist

    I’m sure Mr. Phelps stole that sandwich from Homer Simpson, and, no, I’m not going to wade through 755 comments, no matter how witty, in order to find out who else has noted this.

    • Jeff in the desert

      Why there are no comments here. What are you talking about?

  • Jeff in the desert

    Running out of gas..gnite wonks

    • WomanInAMood

      Sleep well!

    • Jonny On Maui

      Good night Jeff.

  • Brian

    much like this election, I believe Mr. Robot has become irredeemable.

  • Jonny On Maui

    No Friday night dance party three in a row. SHEESH! Blast from the past…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUAYeN3Rp2E

  • Jonny On Maui
    • WomanInAMood

      I have got to figure out how to post links.

      • Jonny On Maui

        It’s a simple copy and paste. I’ve got youtube open in another window. When I’ve got the song up, I stop it playing, copy the address in the link bar at the top, and paste it into the comment window.

        Did that make any sense?

        • WomanInAMood

          It made sense. But whether or not my simple little brain can figure it out, well that’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish. I’m not even sure if my tablet will let me open two windows at once.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I’m sorry but that’s the extent of my meager knowledge. And I don’t know from tablets…

          • cousin itt

            Everything I know, I learned from my Big Chief.

          • WomanInAMood

            It’s all I got. Until six months ago, I hadn’t been on the interwebs for damn near a decade. FFS I have a flip Phone! I got my TV through an antenna! I also use very excited punctuation!

          • ahughes798

            Do you have indoor plumbing, or are you still doing the outhouse thing? ;->

      • SisterArtemis

        Jonny beat me to it. But yes that works.

    • cousin itt

      Oh man, that one riff.

    • Jonny On Maui

      What’s up folk? No love for the Creedence? Gonna make me reply to myself?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EsbeTriWSM

      • WomanInAMood

        I love this Song!

      • Juan de Fuca

        I like that one. This is my favorite – love this song:
        https://youtu.be/5BmEGm-mraE

        • jmhm
          • Jonny On Maui

            Good one jmhm!

          • jmhm

            James Spader murdered Jane Alexander to it on The Blacklist, before I gave up on that. :)

        • Jonny On Maui

          Oh yeah! That one too!

      • berkeleyfarm

        I upfisted it as soon as I got up here in Fogerty-land.

        (Used to live close to the “Green River”, a slightly different part than Fogerty knew, as well.)

  • Sheket Bevaka Shut The Hell Up

    God bless America.

    • WomanInAMood

      Absolutely.

    • Jonny On Maui

      At this moment we could use all the help we could get…

    • Jonny On Maui
      • cousin itt

        “The heat was hot and the ground was dry
        But the air was full of sound”

        • jmhm

          I think the no name thing is gonna bite him in the ass once he gets out of the desert.

          • ahughes798

            Horses ARE obstreperous creatures.

          • jmhm

            Do you say him neigh?

      • Brian
        • Jonny On Maui

          I expect to see you in the Creedance path too Brian!

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjgCqbPGq2A

          • Brian

            nope, can’t stand them. their songs sound all the same to me. I’m sorry.

            If I’m going Louisiana I’m going Marsalis

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vicnvmk8qKc

          • Jonny On Maui

            Tho I’m not a big GD fan this one always tickled my fancy…

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8dcQHyuf-0

          • Brian

            one of my absolute faves!!!!!! but then there’s this. Oh, hey, I was there!!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVseO5YZFJE

          • Juan de Fuca

            CCR wasn’t from Louisiana but they sure sounded like it. I was surprised to learn they were from the Bay Area of California.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Played at my high school…

          • WomanInAMood

            Really? Damn, we just got Journey cover bands. Not terribly talented ones.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Really. I didn’t get to see them though. :-(

          • WomanInAMood

            Not seeing a Journey cover band is nothing to mourn over. Btw, there are few words strong enough to express my loathing of Journey.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I’ve got the same thing with Boston. The group, not the city…

          • WomanInAMood

            I always knew you were a person of taste and distinction.

          • jmhm

            Steve Perry had such a great voice, though. I never understood why they weren’t better.

          • WomanInAMood

            Just spitballing, maybe because they lacked talent, intelligence, and taste? Ymmv.

          • jmhm

            Just saying, I think if he found the right Traveling Wilburys-type outfit, he wouldn’t be bad.

          • Juan de Fuca

            I did a Bataan Memorial Death March in White Sands, New Mexico a few years ago. It’s a marathon ruck march, 26 miles or whatever a marathon is. About halfway through, beaten down and ready to call time out, we came across this lone Army guy blasting, “Don’t Stop Believing” through the speakers attached to his ruck sack. Cracked my team up. We kept believing.

            Thanks Steve Perry.

          • ahughes798

            I loathe Journey, also too. BUT…I saw them live at the late, great, Chicagofest on Navy Pier. They were actually good! I was shocked. Rick Derringer opened for them. He split his pants during the show, so we got to see some butt cheek. Good times.

          • WomanInAMood

            I’ll take your word for it. Because I would rather eat an arsenic-and-ground-glass burger than see Journey.

          • ahughes798

            Me too, but I was there to see John Lee Hooker(I think he played the same evening on one of the side stages), and the person who drove wanted to stay for Derringer and Journey, so I was trapped, but not entirely disgusted by them.

          • That must have been hellish. 1979 ~ we had DJs spinning records and there were enough black students that the DJs had to mix in R&B and Disco, which pissed off some of the white students but got others on the dance floor with us, learning the latest moves. Good times, good times.

          • Juan de Fuca

            CCR? Sweet!

          • Brian

            oh, I know that, but they were of Louisiana style is what I meant.

          • Juan de Fuca

            I didn’t know until I moved out here and one of my coworkers told me. I had “Bad Moon Rising” as a ring tone at the time. He grew up with one of the band members in the bay area. I was shocked. I always thought they were from the south.

  • Brian

    Well, Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight turns out to be a good film about how the Supreme Court works and how sometimes you get a judge who doesn’t vote the way the President expects. (yay, Harry Blackmun!) But it’s really the quality of the actors that makes this worth viewing.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2061756/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2

  • jmhm

    Good lord, Clinton’s team is audacious. They just showed an ad on late nite tv of Charles “ima make that spaghetti stick to the wall if I have to tape it to post-it notes” Krauthammer – who’s been on a tear about some shit or other all week – saying Trump is too dangerous.

    • Brian

      that’s one of their national olympic ads. been showing it for a while.

      • jmhm

        Oh, OK. I don’t get to watch a lot of TV in real time.

        No wonder he’s so frantic. Well trolled.

  • Brian

    Because I’m craving a pickle!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jamtAPsTFvI

    • SisterArtemis

      Just wanna ride on my mo…tor…ciiiiiii…cle!

      • cousin itt

        Hey, thanks for stoppin’. Yeah, I’m heading for Alice’s. You?

        • SisterArtemis

          me? I have this fuckton of thanksgiving day garbage I need to unload somewhere….

    • WomanInAMood

      Pity he’s a Republican.

      • jmhm

        I could sort of live with that, although I think his reasoning is silly. I’m less happy about the Ron Paul thing.

        • SisterArtemis

          *fucking disgus!
          posted in wrong subthread, ‘cuz the page fucking moved on me!

          • WomanInAMood

            I hear that Arlo has some sort of restaurant.

          • SisterArtemis

            apparently in a church? and you can get anything, I hear, that you want

          • jmhm

            Except for Alice. Whoever she was.

            But that’s alright, mama, ’cause everybody’s stoned….

          • cousin itt

            Did someone say they had Garbage?

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypr18UmxOas

          • WomanInAMood

            Yeah, that’s a wee bit annoying.

        • WomanInAMood

          I agree. And I kinda get the rebelling thing, but it’s still a little hard for me to wrap my head around. He was a close friend of Pete Seeger, PBUH, for goodness sakes.

          • Brian

            I hate Pete Seeger sooooo much, his jealousy of Bob Dylan irks the hell out of me. But this song though:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3SysxG6yoE

          • WomanInAMood

            Well, we are just going to have to disagree. Dylan annoys the fuck out of me. And yet we shall remain fellow Wonkers, holding hands as we walk into the sunset. With daffodils. And unicorns. And sparkles.

          • Brian

            When it comes to art, to each their own, I say!

          • Team Seeger! Although I did use credit card points to see the Elvis Costello/Bob Dylan tour. I lurve EC. Dylan was ok.

          • ahughes798

            I lurved EC until he decided he was a crooner! He’s still ok, though.

          • Yeah, Almost Blue was an acquired taste. Hated it at first. It’s ok now. Have to wonder if wifey Diane Krall has affected his style.

          • ahughes798

            Oh, I don’t wonder at all.

          • jmhm

            Be fair. It had nothing on the big Dylan/Beatles/Stones/Who fourway catfight. Which admittedly was not nearly as funny as the great Townsend/Hendrix battle over who owned busting up the equipment…

          • Brian

            no, Seeger hated Dylan for the same reason all NYC folkies did. He thought he stole their songs. Meanwhile everyone was playing everyone’s songs, just Dylan got famous because his originals were better. It was petty.

          • jmhm

            Well, tho, Dylan sort of made it his business to suck the air out of the room and then effectively announced that they were over, so I get the annoyance.

            But then, acknowledging my own bias, I would be less annoyed with him myself if he would occasionally spend a little time exploring the latest mountain before he started handing down tablets.

          • WomanInAMood

            The thing that annoys me about Dylan is that he never gave credit where credit was due. I liked, nay loved Dylan when I was a kid. We sang his songs in church, for heavens sakes. Then, one day I was checking out records from the library, and came across a bunch of recordings from the 30s. One song sounded very familiar. Because it was on one of Dylan’s early records, damn near note for note and word for word. On Dylan’s record, it was attributed to him.

          • Brian

            considering how often Dylan’s changed his style, I’d say he’s explored many mountains. His late career has been more diverse than any other popular act; but that’s not even the point. His prime was more diverse than most acts, maybe Neil Young and The Beatles could compare, but Prince probably is his only real competition.

          • jmhm

            That’s kind of my point, though. He’s been to a lot of mountaintops, and every time, it’s The One True Thing.

          • Brian

            if it was the one true thing he would have stayed there. it was only true while he was there, which is no different than any other person. he never made any such claims. he mocked others divining his meaning. To me it was obvious he was always searching, passing through various places trying to find something he’ll never find. but, as a nomad, I can relate to that. he never told anyone they had to believe anything. He just said what he believed when he said it.

          • jmhm

            Well, maybe? For someone who’s pointing at the parking meters, he gives a lot of interviews.

          • ahughes798

            Or John Hiatt’s musical shit-fit over Kurt Cobain smashing his guitars.

          • jmhm

            or Clapton/van Halen, or Cobain/Axel Rose, or that epic cagematch of operatic butthurt Neil Young/Skynyrd (not all southerners, Neil, and my conscience is pretty much clear on Watergate ’cause my region didn’t vote the fucker in).

          • ahughes798

            And then there was the epic Eddie Van Halen Vs. Kurt Cobain.

          • jmhm

            Wow, really? So it was what, a substance-fueled sulkoff?

          • ahughes798

            Well, here’s what I read of what went down. Nirvana was playing somewhere(in LA, as I recall), and a very inebriated Eddie Van Halen was backstage, holding court. Eddie wanted to jam onstage with Nirvana, and Kurt, not a Van Halen fan at all, said no, we don’t have any extra guitars (obviously a lie, tee hee.) Eddie said something like “Why can’t I use the n*****s guitar?” The guitar in question was being played by Pat Smear, who is bi-racial. Eddie was asked to leave, or escorted out, depending on the source.

          • jmhm

            Oh. Yeah, going with Cobain on that one.

            How about Belinda Carlisle/Steven Tyler? She reportedly got thrown out of his dressing room for being obnoxiously drug-addled, which you have to admit is something of an expert opinion.

          • ahughes798

            I wonder how you obnoxiously drug addle someone who is obnoxiously drug addled?

          • jmhm

            No idea. I know when she did clean up, she married a guy from the Reagan administration and joined PETA, so whatever it was pretty sure it involved not having a sense of humor. Her kid seems pretty solid

          • jmhm
          • cousin itt

            Another reason I don’t self-identify as a Baby Boomer but rather more an early GenXer. Boomers I knew while I was a kid and now later as an adult were/are trapped in quaint, to be fair-minded, or to be brutally honest, really old-fashioned ways of making sense of the world despite their pretentious way of preening about how modern they were or are. IMHO, the seismic sociological shift in this country wasn’t with the Boomers, whom let’s face it were mostly not Hippies but conformists, but after the Boomers–the generations after them had to actually deal with, everyday, new social norms and political machinations that a fringe group of the Boomers helped to birth.

          • WomanInAMood

            I say this in a friendly way, because I am a Gen X kinda gal, but are you busting on Pete Seeger, or liking him? I love Seeger, because he lived his beliefs, never once sang a song without attributing it, and dealt with the black list with grace.

          • cousin itt

            Not busting Seeger, but in my mind he was an influential outlier during a time when the many were traditionalists and Seeger was ahead of his time. Here’s an attempt to explain.

            I also want to say that Hillary is to me a classic Boomer and even Obama has also had a long learning curve about basic human rights. That Donald is also a Boomer makes my point. He is the quintessential Boomer asshole. He knows just enough about modern sensibilities to bullshit his way through success with business associates who expect modern reciprocity.

            I don’t really know but I would expect Bernie Sanders to be the modern living embodiment of Seeger’s legacy. I wanted Bernie so bad. If only we could see the alt timeline of a Bernie vs. Donald matchup now. Would Bernie be totally crushing Donald and igniting a true revolutionary movement? Maybe future historians will explain.

          • WomanInAMood

            I see what you mean, about their similar sensibilities. But, and please don’t take offense, but Pete Seeger never bought into the hype. Bernie, for the vast majority of career didn’t either. Until he did. I had the good fortune to see Pete in concert twice. He always was thoughtful about letting the other musicians shine. And he truly led the audience when he was at the front. Two very different things from the Bernie phenomenon.

            I am so sorry about how sad you are feeling. FWIW, I have also felt that sorrow. Keep fighting for progressive Ideals! I’m not being condescending, I tell myself the same thing.

          • jmhm

            I was late-waning-boom, but it had already pretty much all gone to hell by the time I got anywhere. Recessions suck.

          • cousin itt

            The 1980s sucked ass.

          • jmhm

            and not in an entertaining way.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            There was still some opportunity for the regular Joe for the boomers. I’m embarrassed the way we left the country for the next generations. Would have been much easier to do the preventive maintenance along the way than have it all come crumbling down in the last 20 years.

            I know quite a few young people now, many with degrees, who have no concept of finding something better than the shitty job they are stuck in. When they need more money, they just work more hours in the shitty job they are stuck in. That’s sad.

          • ahughes798

            When I was supposed to graduate high school, in 1977, you could go out and get a job in a factory that paid decently the next day. I didn’t graduate, and still got a job that paid decently. Now, a BA is a requirement to get virtually every job that pays above minimum. I blame technology that allowed factories to replace humans, and laissez faire capitalism. There are a lot of people my age with multiple degrees who can’t even find a job, let alone a shitty one. After you turn 50, you’re pretty much fucked, job-wise.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            I was in the position of job searching at the age of 59, so I know what you mean. I finally retired at 62 because it pays better than working.

            Also, degree mills churn out little MBAs faster than rabbits breed. It cheapened their value, while they got more expensive.

          • ME TOO. Being born in 1962, I saw the turmoil but could not participate and that’s a good thing. I got all the perks and benefits that the Boomers got in Corporate America, before the Boomers got into power and started unraveling the “systems”.

          • ahughes798

            I don’t identify as a boomer, since I have nothing in common with someone who was born in 1945. The music I listened to was the Ramones, not the Beatles. I was only 10 when Woodstock happened, so I wasn’t a hippie in the 60’s. I think most hippies grew up to be sell outs, anyway. They’re the people who run the shit-show now, and they’ve made a hell of a mess of it.

  • Brian

    Harry Blackmun is an American hero, along with William Brennan.

  • Brian

    here’s a band that doesn’t get enough play around here. And my favorite song of theirs.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7inGyVKNCNY

    • SisterArtemis

      fyi: if you are a Pandora user, the Kinks channel is an excellent one – lots of variety, because they draw on such different genres and traditions in music.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Things to do before sleep tonight. Thank you all for a wonderful evening. Let’s be sure to tell anwisok what he missed as far as the third dance party night.

    Hi Anwisok! {waving}

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdXjm8pZMws

    • Brian

      after 30 days in the hole, you’re going to want to go home!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW5M5xljdCI

      • Jonny On Maui
        • Brian

          good night, I won’t delay you further!

          • Jonny On Maui

            It’s all good…

        • jmhm

          Night :)

          Some day I want someone to explain that song to me…

        • WomanInAMood

          Sleep well! May all the angels visit you tonight!

    • anwisok

      Hi Johnny! Looks like you guys had fun. Did y’all have a rule, nothing past 1980?

      • Jonny On Maui

        We just rolled with the flow!

  • Brian

    You know in Clay vs. United States a conservative Supreme Court ruled that Islam, as a religion, is opposed to all wars. That’s why Muhammad Ali won his case. Oh, how times have changed.

  • Brian

    I have a problem. Once I watch any Frank Langella movie, I have to watch Frost/Nixon. no sleep tonight. ; D

    • sw19womble

      Top Frank Langella fact. He was paid to do a particularly creepy whispery voice for Ralph Feinnes’ alter ego Red Dragon persona in Red Dragon, But he was eventually cut as the director decided to go with the silent treatment. A great shame as it was some great voicework.
      Also, too:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfiOOwJTgg8

  • bubbuhh

    Have found out who will be filling seats at Trump rally in Fairfield, Connecticut. Hot and Humid Weekend Could Have Cockroaches Flying, Experts Say States from New England to the Mid-Atlantic will be steaming, giving the roaches who rarely display their aerial virtuosity (particularly the large brown ones) a reason to spread their wings, looking for some place nice and cool.
    http://www.nbcnews.com/news/weather/hot-humid-weekend-northeast-could-have-cockroaches-flying-experts-say-n629186

    • WomanInAMood

      At last, the mystery is solved.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      I would still be pissed if my name was in smaller type than dickhead’s.

      • bubbuhh

        But, think on all the perks of Trump having your back

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          That won’t take long. Mmmm. Done.

    • Msgr_Moment

      The assholes emailed me TWICE, and I’m a six hour drive away. Seriously, when you don’t have supporters in the place you’re speaking. maybe you’re just not going to carry that state.

      • WomanInAMood

        The cockroaches emailed you? TWICE?!

        • They’ve been busy, check the Jill Stein thread

          Sorry you already have

          • WomanInAMood

            Just got back. Stein sure does attract them.

          • It’s all the homeopathic roach spray she wants us to buy

          • WomanInAMood

            As long as it doesn’t involve vaccines. They might turn me into a newt.

          • ahughes798

            You’ll get better.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Thrice, as of this morning.

          Dear **********,

          Make sure to get your tickets to join Vice Presidential candidate Governor Mike Pence in Manchester, NH on Thursday, August 18th, for a Town Hall! Details about the event are below:

          We matter more than pounds and pence
          Your economic theory makes no sense
          — Sting

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Damn those fire marshals!

    • ahughes798

      Speaking of which…where did Pence go?

      • bubbuhh

        Pence is on a break. He’s in Indiana conferring with the peeps he appointed Indiana’s Department of Homeland Security, making sure no muslin’s snuck in while he was gone. He’s also polishing up his standard speech where he swears Trump picked him for his exceutive expertise and takes credit for the fact that Indiana’s managed to just barely keep up with the national economic improvement during his term as Governor.

        His next scheduled thing is Tuesday, a day in New Mexico where Trump made himself persona non grata and helped make it a reliably blue state during the primary.

  • King of America

    It seems the BoBs have recently discovered the thread about being canvassed by a Jill Stein supporter.

    • King of America
      • King of America

        Make that 20.

        • WomanInAMood

          Oh hell. It’s my weekend, and I need new hobbies. Will you be my huckleberry?

          • King of America

            Sure, let me just put on the special suit.

          • WomanInAMood

            If I had known, I would have put on the whole hazmat outfit. Seriously, this is a not right group.Jaysus.

          • King of America

            It’s balls-out nuts in there.

          • jmhm

            It’s not fair. I wasn’t supposed to have to argue with recalcitrant 12 year olds once I didn’t have one.

          • WomanInAMood

            Look, I know that this sounds paranoid, but did you notice how many upvotes they had for their comments? How similar all of their sad little terms of abuse were? Honestly, that is a bit unsettling.

          • King of America

            Creeps are creepy, whether or not they are coordinated.

          • WomanInAMood

            Absolutely. And what is the word for a large number of creeps? You know, like a pack of dogs, a flock of seagulls, a murder of crows? A (blank) of creeps…..

          • Msgr_Moment

            A saltedbagofdicks of creeps?

          • WomanInAMood

            I think that could catch on.

          • Msgr_Moment

            15 of them are in this together. No biggie.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Fuck! NOW you tell me, when I’m halfway through my Silkwood shower.

          • King of America

            Don’t open your mouth when the bleach cycle starts!

    • WomanInAMood

      But that was days ago!

      • King of America

        IKR? I opened it to look for a particular post and holy shit.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Typical wingnuts, a day late and a brain short.

    • Msgr_Moment

      One of them says Glenn Greenwald said something (“Some people say…”). This seems to be Ground Zero:
      https://twitter.com/ggreenwald/status/764176465319649281

      • WomanInAMood

        Aaaaahhhhhh!

      • Even better catch

      • bubbuhh

        I can see the glowering righteous pomposity from my kitchen window.

        • WomanInAMood

          That’s what that light is! I thought that I had stayed up far too late.

      • Left Coast Tom

        Yeah, Rebecca, didn’t they teach you in journalmalism school that the most important question to ask before publishing is “how would this make Glenn Greenwald feel”?!

        • H0mer0

          [I thought it was “What would Brian Boitano do?”]
          (oh wait, wrong rhetorical questshun.)
          Hmmm…
          Now we are a “HATEFUL, nasty, vile snarkmob” in addition to “queer-loving, refugee hugging”? I thought Glenn would stay for the loving :(
          …but alas, we are not sexy South American..

  • DerrickWildcat

    Comments can’t be blank.

    • King of America

      NOTED.

    • WomanInAMood

      Indeed.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Agreed.

    • sw19womble

      I concur.

    • H0mer0

      [“Mad Phelps” is MAD!]–or wuz that “grumpy cat Phelps”?

  • Brian

    “did we discuss anything important?”
    “cheeseburgers.”

  • bubbuhh

    Trump believes another wrong thing. He thinks he’s raising all the ameros for the GOPeez. He thinks that means they can’t get along without him. (There might be more than one wrong thing in there.) GOPee wallets disagree. Before the RNC stepped in July, the Trump Campaign had raised a total of 3 million ameros in the previous 30 days. Those ameros immediately went to pay bills presented by various Trump enterprises. After the RNC stepped in and took over Trump’s fundraising facilities, Trump and the RNC raised 64 million over the next 30 days. That was very good, somewhere between 60-80% of what the DemoClinton’s raised.

    SOME SAY Trump doesn’t want the BoBs to know this fundraisiing secret cuz he thinks they will vote for him cuz he sez he and Bernie are Bros if they don’t. What a devlish fellow Trump is. Hee Hee.

    http://www.attn.com/stories/10660/money-secret-trump-keeping-from-sanders-supporters

    Trump’s main apparatus for fundraising from strangers before the GOPeez took over.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Say what you will for the GOP but they know where the dollars come from and go.

      There is no way they will allow The Donald to fake them out on this point.,

      Unless, of course, they do. But to judge from Karl Rove’s recent remarks, it looks unlikely.

      Trump had better put up or shut up and he has never put up in his entire life, so…?

      What’s next, Karl?

      • Msgr_Moment

        “I mean, if it is true, that’s OK too because all I have to do is stop funding the Republican Party,” Trump said on Fox News’s “The O’Reilly Factor” when asked about the Republican National Committee potentially diverting funds away from the presidential race.

        “I’m the one raising the money for them,” he continued. “In fact, right now I’m in Orlando, I’m going to a fundraiser for the Republican Party. If they want to do that, they can save me a lot of time and a lot of energy.” http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/291209-trump-warns-gop-he-could-stop-fundraising

        If Rinsed Pubis were a vertebrate, Ferret Top would be kicked to the curb so fast….

    • Astraea

      I’m so glad I clicked on that link just for the gif

      https://media.giphy.com/media/ay3XU40h6Cnvi/giphy.gif

      • bubbuhh

        There is a lot in that link. ;) I was tempted to blockquote the hole van damme thing.

        • Astraea

          I’ll be reading, but I haven’t even gotten to my first cup of coffee yet.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Roaming around the trumpy corners of the infoverse, I came across this gem:

    Donald J. Trump is the very definition of the American success story, continually setting the standards of excellence while expanding his interests in real estate, sports and entertainment. https://www.donaldjtrump.com/about/

    Horatio Alger was a nothing. I am way yooooger than he was. I came from lower than he did, and I have grown to a headspinnigly bigger billionaire than he ever was. What kind of name is Horatio, anyway? It sounds Mexican. I’m not saying he is, but a lot of people are saying he is. Growing up I had to walk ten miles uphill, both ways, to get to my limousine to get to school.

    Oh fuck this. I’m not that good at writing Ferrettopese.

    • bubbuhh

      You know who originally said that about Donald J. Trump? Donald J. Trump.
      https://www.donaldjtrump.com/about

      • Msgr_Moment

        [Sorry. Added the link later.]

        Well, if Ferret Top said it, it must be….. truish.

        • bubbuhh

          As it happens it is also written on the toilet bowls of many sites in the Trumperverse.

          • Msgr_Moment

            People are saying that The Orange One has it tattooed right below his balls.

          • WomanInAMood

            Then I will never know. Because standards.

    • WomanInAMood

      Consider that a gift from the universe and/or whatever deity you like. A few posters here are terrifyingly good at sounding like the Orange One.

  • Entirely relevant and super important comment
    Today is Left Handers Day

    • Msgr_Moment

      Comments from Left Handers are not allowed at the Wonkette.

    • WomanInAMood

      That’s a bit sinister.

      • A bit gauche of you to mention it

        • Msgr_Moment

          Are you from the South, Paw?

          • Are you implying I’m a molly-dooker?

            Well you’re quite right.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Well, I’ll be gibble-fisted!

      • Serai 1

        Shut up, Dexter.

    • bubbuhh

      When is both handers day?

      • So you go both ways …

      • Msgr_Moment

        #allhandsmatter!

        • SnarkOff

          #notallhands

      • jmhm

        every day is back handers day.

    • bubbuhh

      YAY

    • DemmeFatale

      Hey!
      One of you right handed Wonkers show my youngest daughter how to knit!
      She’s the only righty in the family, and I give up!
      (Weirdo!)

      • Jamoche

        I learned from Youtube videos and step-by-step instruction websites.

      • Use a mirror

  • Msgr_Moment

    Oh, hey, lookie: Old loser angerbear says system is rigged and expect the Trumpets to be revolting when they lose. http://www.wnd.com/2016/08/yes-the-system-is-rigged/

    • The Trumpettes are revolting

      • jmhm

        Badum-ch.

    • 2nd Amendment Folks to him. Trumpanzees to the rest of us.

      • jmhm

        Wonder how intentional this was.

        • Very intentional. The Secret Service “interviewed” Trump ~ or in other words, told him to cut that shit out.

          • jmhm

            Oh, not just that (I agree about that). That particular placement in the story.

        • Parchment Scroll

          I didn’t get that embed, so I think you just lucked out with the serendipitous ad.

          • jmhm

            Aw, that’s no fun :)

    • Mezzaluna

      The Trumpets are already revolting, IMO. The question is will they drive their Hoverounds down Main Street and refuse to use their COPD inhalers until they turn blue?

    • anwisok

      I like this part best:

      The Czechs had their Prague Spring. The Tunisians and Egyptians their Arab Spring. When do we have our American Spring?

      As well as those “Springs” worked out, why would we want to have one of our own?

      • Longstreet63

        I’m pretty sure our Spring was in the summer of 1776.

        • Parchment Scroll

          I was just thinking the same thing

          • Longstreet63

            It was kind of a shame, too. If we hadn’t gone all second Amendment on King George, a lot of things would have worked out better.

      • Beaumarchais?

        Because a brief taste of freedom is so much better when followed by bitter disappointment?

      • Msgr_Moment

        I for one will welcome our new Hillary overlords and overladies when their tanks come rolling down the street!

    • Parchment Scroll

      My favorite part of that article is that in the middle of the angry rhetoric, because I live in Austin, I see this ad:

    • Wassamatta U Alumnus

      I find them revolting already.

  • Astraea

    Bill Clinton, what do you think about the email scandal?

    “They saw two little notes with a ‘C’ on it – this is the biggest load of bull I ever heard – that were about telephone calls that she needed to make and the State Department typically puts a little ‘C’ on it to discourage people from discussing it in public in the event the secretary of state, whoever it is, doesn’t make a phone call,” he said. “Does that sound threatening to the national security to you?”

    Read more: http://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/bill-clinton-hillary-emails-bull-226977#ixzz4HDLdaMNY

    • mackafritz

      Holy crap, that’s the worst thing ever! Lock her up!

      • Longstreet63

        And I hear she made an Isis with it!

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Here’s the test. Did the information rise to this level? If not, it was improperly classified:

      Confidential” shall be applied to information, the unauthorized disclosure of which reasonably could be expected to cause damage to the national security.

  • Longstreet63

    I love you, Evan, but this article is a bit of a spoon, by which I mean it has not much of a point.
    Where’s the hard-hitting fact-filled Clark Kent-like journalisming we normally expect and sometimes even pay for?
    Did Lex Luthor keep you out all night again?

  • WomanInAMood

    The trolls really are a gift that keeps on giving. This is truly a fascist rag that hates the greens more than we hate Trump.

    What, are they on shifts now?

    • “Herbal Tea Party” or “Green Tea Party”, if you will.

      • WomanInAMood

        I’m finding that just following them and asking why they are here is very satisfying. Is that wrong?

        • No

          • WomanInAMood

            Yes. I was called a troll by a troll. *casually dusts knuckles on vest.*

        • Astraea

          You’re obviously a troll! You hide it well, what with being here having civil and funny conversations all the time.

          • WomanInAMood

            I was called that. Tee heeheeheee….

          • WomanInAMood

            Are you finding it a bit disturbing that Human Splorsh seems to be ok?

          • Astraea

            It’s a bit of a shock!

          • WomanInAMood

            Although it just responded to Me the People’s in an interesting way.

          • Longstreet63

            Don’t mention the war!

        • Longstreet63

          If satisfying you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right…

          I’m just adding conspiracy theories to theirs and seeing if I eventually find one they like…

          • WomanInAMood

            Ooooooooo- nice!

      • Msgr_Moment

        • Will in Pgh

          Why waste weed on the goats? They’re pretty much horny all the time whether they’re baked or not.

        • handyhippie65

          got to keep yer yang up.

    • jmhm

      Remember when mom wanted you to get a summer jobso you would leave the house?

      • Astraea

        Leave the house? I don’t get it, what’s that?

        • jmhm

          I see it below my window.

      • But dad wouldn’t help you buy a car so you still had to beg them for rides to said job because they also bought a house in the boonies with no bus service.
        Dad’s excuse, “I didn’t think you’d save the money.” Said monies were spent during freshman year of college on fun stuff until an on campus job could be found.

        • jmhm

          Aw, that stinks.

        • DemmeFatale

          I get it!
          Never got the Easy Bake Oven I wanted when I was 6.
          “But you were already cooking in the real oven!” (Yeah, whatever, mom.)
          And don’t EVEN get me started on that stupid “Pixie” haircut you forced me to get when I was 5!

          • Jamoche

            I wanted a Lite-Brite.
            I now write software. I control all the teensy virtual Lite-Brite pegs I could ever want.

          • DemmeFatale

            A good friend has a (very) old Xerox or IBM light up panel, with lots of flashy lights. Looks like something from Star Trek. It’s a great hybrid of Lite-Brite and tech.

            I actually have an old Lite-Brite. I keep telling my Burning Man lovin’ daughter that I think it would be a big hit there, but so far, she hasn’t taken it with her.

        • ahughes798

          Shit, we weren’t even allowed to learn to drive! Uphill both ways!

        • handyhippie65

          i just found a $100 beater, and bought it before they knew. the first time they saw it, was when i drove it home. it took me two years to beat it to death. drag racing, and donuts killed it. 70’s muscle cars were a lot of fun in high school.

          • Weren’t the 70’s the bombe? HS class of 1979 here. Your plan would have worked if Georgia did not have a law that everyone in the same household needs to be on the same insurance policy.
            As a minor, I was stuck. Also too, my dad was a raging alcoholic at the time and had had so many wrecks, insurance came from “bad risk pool” and was hella expensive. Adding a 17-year old driver was a nonstarter, and I didn’t know my dad was sandbagging me until I had saved the $500.
            He also said upon college graduation that he would buy me a car, and all he did was put $400 down on a new lo-end Toyota. I upgraded six-month later, after the car was hit in rush hour by a semi-truck. WINNING.

          • handyhippie65

            little behind you. class of ’84. i was a late starter to school, and had a driver’s license in my freshman year. i worked as a mechanic, and bought a ’71 ford torino gt from a co-worker. in my senior year, i traded a ’63 dodge truck for a ’70 challenger rt, at the dodge dealership. i had to have my own insurance, as i had so many speeding tickets, my mom had to sign a statement that i would not drive her vehicles. when you know your vehicle will go 140, it’s hard not to once in a while. the cops in goshen all knew my one and only purple hot rod. i drove it until i joined the army after graduation, when i sold it. wish i would have kept it, but i would probably not be here now if i had.

  • Astraea

    While the Christian right has cried oppreshunnnn because they can’t just impose their own will on everyone else, ThinkProgress’s tally of actual Islamophobic incidents in the US broke 100:
    https://thinkprogress.org/the-2016-election-is-making-islamophobia-the-worst-it-has-ever-been-f7ec15ef7230#.8ee7izj4g

  • Robert de Niro has an opinion of Donald Trump – ‘totally nuts,’

    via Reuters

    • Msgr_Moment

  • UnsaltedSinner

    OT: I could quote this, but you wouldn’t believe me. The Torygraph has some soothing words about income inequality:

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/08/13/a-dukes-wealth-is-the-natural-result-of-a-free-society—and-sho/

  • YOU PEOPLE ARE SUCH STUPID HEADS GAAAH UPDATE

    According to the latest Chattering Trumpanzee on CNN when Trump said he was being ‘sarcastic’about Obama and Hillary Frankensteining ISIS together what he actually was doing was some ‘hyperbole’ and people are so STUPID for not recognizing the difference.

    Kudos to the Trump Lady for not reading the word out loud as “hyper-bowl”.

    • jmhm

      Ooh, was it Scottie Nell?

      • Shoto

        Scottie Nell Einstein, you mean? She’s does Smart Stuff Real Good on the CNN electro-picture box. And bonus: She’s batshit crazy, just like her boss, Mr. Orange Man-Baby.

        • jmhm

          She fascinates me. She’s like a human Orwell essay. She emits this stream of semantically null buzzwords they must teach her phonetically, and then makes a face like a dim but helpful golden retriever who’s convinced that he just pissed the answers to your calculus homework onto the neighbors’ monkey puzzle tree.

    • WomanInAMood

      Phonics can be tricky.

  • By the way: Phelps Fiction needs moar “cupping”.

  • ahughes798

    Boomer? WTAF?!

  • jmk

    My whole face hurts from laughing at this.

    • Juan de Fuca

      I was getting ready to leave work yesterday when I read it. Funniest thing all week!
      How’s life, jmk?

      • jmk

        Good, Juan!! Busy and far too humid here on Lawn Guyland, but overall, good! How’s with you?

        • Juan de Fuca

          I read that in an accent. Life is good, busy here too and HOT. We don’t have the humidity you folks suffer through but I think it’s supposed to be in the 100’s this week, beginning today. Thinking about heading to the beach.

  • H0mer0

    I’ve gotta say that THIS—uh, I just can’t even—
    BRAVO! AUTHOR, AUTHOR!…

  • Elizabethjbly2

    <<fb. ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!il603r:….,….

  • TeeRaak
  • Stein Olsen
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