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Joe Scarborough mansplains
Now there’s a headline Scarborough can’t squirm his way out of.

Morning Wonkers! Here’s some of the stories yr Wonkette might be splainering today!

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  • tehbaddr

    Mark Foley at a Trump rally? The Trump NAMBLA connections are becoming more apparent everyday!

    • The Wanderer

      The National Association of Marlon Brando Look-Alikes?

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Now that’s an organization I would join. If we’re talking about young, Streetcar-era Brando, not late-stage Brando.

        • The Wanderer

          The South Park episode I lifted that from had all types of Brandos, the young Wild One Brando, the Last Tango in Paris Brando, the Godfather Brando, and the Doctor Moreau Brando.

          • tehbaddr

            Brandos, as far as the eye can see!

          • The Wanderer

            Yep! But if I see a Last Tango Brando coming at me with a stick of butter, it’s Exeunt Omnes.

          • MrCanoehead

            Pursued by a bear?

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Here ya go.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          The horror…

        • TJ Barke

          They accept all kinds.

        • eddi

          Bad boys, bad boys…

      • Latverian Diplomat

        No, that’s NAMBL-A. Why can’t people keep those two straight?

    • (((JustPixelz)))

      What about NYDILA – New York Donald-Ivanka Love Association? True fact: Donald Trump isn’t just the president; he’s the member.

      • Arolpin

        Dammit! I have two relatives by marriage named Nylda (mother & daughter) and my brain totally read NYDILA as NYLDA. I am going to need a LOT of brain bleach to not snicker the next 8,315,583 I see them. And they are good people, like organize the response to the Pulse Nightclub good people.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The hiked skirt brigade at Fox thinks people who don’t support Trump can, “eat a bag of dixie.”
    I smell a lawsuit, what with Fox stealing one of our favorite comments. Sort of. If comments were allowed.

  • The Wanderer

    How long before Mika finally snaps?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      IKR? She’s got all those cups of . . . well, I was gonna say coffee . . . that she could throw right in his smug mug, but somehow she resists. And I’m thinking maybe there’s liquid Thorazine in there, to allow her to cope with The Mouth. On the other hand, she’s got kids, so she’s used to toddler behavior.

      • The Wanderer

        She’s part Polish, so she might be biding her time and waiting until she gets up a full head of steam.

  • Lizzietish81
  • Parchment Scroll

    Wow, today’s agenda is pretty goddamn awful. Except that Navy thing. That’s pretty cool.

    Well, I’m off to listen to Dixie Chicks while I go see my doctor that I only have thanks to government programs!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Taker!

      • Parchment Scroll

        You’re goddamn right!

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          I get healthcare and free money from the gubmint. I like to remind Republicans of this all the time.

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            I’m having crab legs for dinner tonight, when Lori gets back from the grocery in my Lamborghini. Thanks, Obama!

          • smr06va

            SNAP!!!…………………….

          • Parchment Scroll

            I get mine from a specific government entity that is separate from the local government, but is local. It’s very weird.

            http://www.centralhealth.net/about-us/

    • bupkus23

      A bag of Dixie Chicks???

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Shouldn’t every Wonkagenda post come with free booze or pills by now? I know I feel like I picked a bad week to give up meth.

  • ManchuCandidate

    I guess full pants wetting panic has set in on the GOP side if the usual suspects are shrieking that a vote for the Hilsbot is a vote for sin. US Amercia is lucky that the numbers of fundies with cognitive dissonance is shrinking… a little.

  • Blender_415

    I think I’m staying in my happy place after just watching the reaction of that Chinese swimmer when she was told during her post-race interview that she had actually won the Bronze (she apparently thought she didn’t place).

    • eddi

      Good for her.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    The whole “you must vote for the unhinged rage-squash who will kill us all with nuclear winter” reminds me of that thing that everybody’s mom used to ask about, “if everybody else jumped off a bridge, does that mean you would too?”

    • mackafritz

      Republicans would.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        I suggest in lieu of voting this year, they do exactly that. The water is refreshing in November.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Rage squash for the win!

    • AngryKatie

      I once did jump off a bridge because everyone else was doing it.
      But I was drunk, and it was over water.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    USSS Officials confirmed to CNN that the Secret Service had contacted Trump’s campaign about “2nd amendment” comments.

    Trump has denied this. “Russia Today” says it’s a hoax.

    I am noticing a pattern.

    • The Wanderer

      Yeah. He’s either a Useful Fool, or a Paid Agent/Catspaw.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I’m going with thing the first.

        • beingreleased

          Although it is hard to imagine Trump as “useful.”

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            A door-stop can be useful.

          • eddi

            Watch how quick Putin unfriends him after Clinton wins.

        • revenant

          not mutually exclusive

    • Msgr_Moment

      You calling the USSS liars?

      You got a nice campaign there. Would be a shame if something…. .happened to it.

  • tehbaddr

    Mika is a looker, what’s she doing with the man child Joe?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      She likes dead interns?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Standard TV casting: she’s hot, he’s a schlub.

      • tehbaddr

        OK, but that doesn’t mean she should chose him to bump uglies.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        That is kinda sitcom average.

    • revenant

      she is Zbigniew Brzinski’s daughter and has been around ruling-class men all her life, so an asshole like ex-Congressman Joe (R-dead intern) seems normal to her. major Daddy issues not unlikely also too

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Zbigniew’s wife must have been pretty. Or Mika was adopted.

    • John Iwaniszek

      raking in the do-re-mi.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Too bad Hilz is pandering to the Morons Mormons. What’s next, a note to the Scientologists?

    • The Wanderer

      The Mormons already object to The Yam on moral grounds due to his serial adultery, and they gave him Mass Side-Eye at his Muslim immigration ban blather. The Mormons know what it’s like to be a hounded and persecuted religious minority, so Clinton’s trying to drive a wedge here.

      • proudgrampa

        As a resident of Utah , it would be nice if my vote counted for once.

      • PubOption

        When it is time to get the vote out, the Mormons have a lot of experience at knocking on doors.

      • bupkus23

        I don’t know if it’s so much “driving a wedge” as courting those Mormons who have already decided they can’t countenance Trump and are planning to vote for Johnson instead. He’s got something like 1/6 of the vote already ( with Trump holding an amazingly slight lead on Hillary – amazing for Utah, that is ).

        If Hillary can sway some of these libertarian-curious, she may not need Trump to get even crazier ( altho’ one can be sure he will! )

    • jmhm

      The thing is, people tend to double down on political decisions that they aren’t completely confident about when they’re challenged on them. If she can peel off a few people in a solid-bloody-rare red state, the next time one of their neighbors (or their bishop, see here) casually dehumanizes people who don’t vote the right way as morally-deficient enemies they’re pushing a little wedge in.

      It’s kind of a smart thing to do, since all she has to promise is to not be Trump.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    This is kinda OT, but I just have to get this off my chest:
    If you’re an animal-rights protester, and you select the day after Fanta Hitler suggests that people might want to murder Hillary Clinton to death to rush her podium, you might be A Idiot.

    • mackafritz

      A idiot animal rights protester… But I repeat myself.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      It has been my observation that PETA also operates on the principle that “there is no such thing as bad publicity”.

      • The Wanderer

        In other words, just like Trump.

    • The Wanderer

      No argument. The SS is going to be very antsy thanks to The Yam’s happy talk-talk.

      • TJ Barke

        On top of an already stressful job…

        • eddi

          Double the tequila rations.

    • Tiaras&tweetybirds

      serious question, why are the animal rights protesters protesting Hillz instead of drumpf?she & bill are not hunting enthusiasts.

      • The Wanderer

        They know they won’t get their asses beaten by Clinton’s supporters.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Head stomp or GTFO!

        • Tiaras&tweetybirds

          also,protests that cleveland saw was nowhere close enough to the protests at dnc.If u were really progressives,u would have the guts to protest the fascist.I don’t get this.how can people live in one of the most prosperous countries on earth,have chances at building a good life than any poor third world country citizen,then nominate,for president,essentially the most powerful person in the fucking universe,an orange,ignorant,violent,lying,fraudstar,petty moron?I just can’t wrap my mind around it.

          • I Only Like Cats

            Vagina.

        • Blank Ron

          Same way they’ll throw paint on women in fur coats, but not on bikers in leather jackets.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I think because they know they’d get beaten to a pulp if they did that at a Hitler rally, but they’re publicity hoors.

    • Mezzaluna

      What is with these people? Like HRC always goes around draped in furs and Trumps wife doesn’t? Or his kids hunting trophy animals? The fuck?

    • (((JustPixelz)))

      If you are an animal-rights protester, google “trump safari” for pictures. TRIGGER WARNING: Trump spawn are in the photos.

    • ViveLaRes

      They are idiots. I love animals and all my life I’ve supported groups who work to stop animal suffering. But like so many examples of activisim for the sake of activism, this kind of thing defeats the purpose and hurts the cause.

  • Mezzaluna

    I’m not sure I understand the bit about the Wisconsin voter ID law being stayed by the court. You make it sound like the court desicion is making it harder for voters rather than the law itself. I’ll be quiet now and go read the article.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Yes, I had a confuze there too.

    • PubOption

      You should read the article. To summarize, what was stayed was a provision that someone could sign an affidavit stating that they were unable to obtain the required identification, and still be able to vote.

      • Mezzaluna

        Sorry, I was not expecting the court to put a stay on the one part of the law that mitigated the ratfucking.

  • stankbait

    Doctor Zoom said we can’t make face jokes about Bundy Jr any more. Is it OK to still make face jokes about Scott Walker and Rick Scott?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Mandatory, I would think.

    • The Wanderer

      You mean Goofy Clownface and Ecuadoran Batboy?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      There’s plenty of comedy gold inside Bundy’s head.

      • mackafritz

        Ding Dong Bundy

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Dok Zoom is not the boss of me!
      .
      .
      .
      Okay, actually Dok Zoom is the boss of me.

    • kaydenpat

      It will always be okay to make face jokes about Walker and Scott. That’s a given.

    • Jamoche

      “Every man over forty is responsible for his face.” – Abraham Lincoln
      “Except the parts his dad ran over.” – Wonkette.

  • dslindc

    I had to stop watching Morning Joe some time ago. That amount of rage in the morning isn’t healthy.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      IKR? I like to be at least out of my pajamas before I start getting that stabby.

    • Vincent Ricola

      It’s the worst. So much smug white dudeness.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      I’ll bet he’s really outraged to have blown Donny so extensively just to find out that he’s fucking crazy.

    • Betcha he runs for President in 2020…

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        They may not have a party by then.

  • dslindc

    I new Wonket was inspired by Satan! Good job, Satan!

  • I’ve patterned my life after Princess Buttercup’s teachings.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      “Chew your food thoroughly whilst lounging. Then . . . well, basically, that’s it.”

      • Msgr_Moment

        Climb down from your tree every week or so to take a crap.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1x5tjPWwABc

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Easy does it.

        • ViveLaRes

          I can’t decide which is cuter…blissfully pooping baby sloths or the ladies encouraging them.

  • proudgrampa

    Patrick Robertson is wrong. I”m inspired by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. May we be touched by His Noodle Appendage.

  • Beowoof14

    How does Scarborough still have a show. If you’re looking for the inspiration of Satan that would be it.

    • kaydenpat

      I’ve heard the CEO for MSNBC is his personal friend.

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    Barack HUSSEIN Obama founded ISIS, blah, blah, blah. But what about his REAL CRIME when he and fellow Demoncrat founded the KKK?

    (Also: 72% of Reptards are unsure whether BHO was born in USA.)
    http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/poll-persistent-partisan-divide-over-birther-question-n627446

    • mackafritz

      72% of Reptards couldn’t find the USA on a map.

      • Or know that Hawaii is a state.

        • I Only Like Cats

          Weren’t they the ones that stole it in the first place?

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          With birth certificates and everything. Like, valid ones.

          • Jamoche

            That’s probably the one thing I won’t hear from the FNG stepdad, because if he did I’d just pull my mid-60s Hawaiian birth certificate out and say “funny, looks just like mine.”

        • Jamoche
      • Catstro

        No lie, my sister couldn’t find our home state on the map (it is a distinctively shaped state). She isnt so much stupid as willfully ignorant, and is of course a repub

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Ouch.

          • Catstro

            Her reply was “so, I don’t care”. I really struggle to understand how we can possibly be related.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Or as I might have said my first time in continental Europe “Goddam map says The Netherlands. Where the fuck is Holland?”

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          I can why you might get Colorado and Wyoming mixed up. If you are six years old.

      • ViveLaRes

        72% of Reptards don’t believe in maps because they look sort of sciency.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      72% of Reptards are unsure if they’ve changed underwear this week.

      • eddi

        This week?

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Optimism. I unexpectedly show some occasionally.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      72% of Reptards think New Mexico is part of Mexico.

      • Msgr_Moment

        I wish I still had my “Universidad de Nuevo Mexico” baseball cap.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        After Urban Rehab.

    • kaydenpat

      Or the real real crime when he killed Jesus.

  • Relativicus

    Also, WaPo looked into the “Trump flew Stranded Marines Home from LeJeune” tall tale and found it wanting: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/08/11/too-good-to-check-sean-hannitys-tale-of-a-trump-rescue/

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      The Orange Fuck Up. I just hope he lasts for another couple of months. Then maybe we can finally crush what’s left of the Republican Party.

      • Relativicus

        The main problem with a destroyed Republican Party is the same problem with tearing down an apartment building: the rats and cockroaches have to go somewhere.

        • Blank Ron

          Works for me.
          – ‎Gary Johnson
          Me too.
          – Jill Stein

    • kaydenpat

      I’m shocked, shocked I say that Trump is lying!

      • Relativicus

        I’m actually not certain if that was Trump’s lie, or Hannity’s.

  • Msgr_Moment

    That’s the BEST animated sloth gif I have ever seen!

    • tehbaddr

      !!!

    • phoenix00

      It still hasn’t moved.

      So slow.

  • ViveLaRes

  • Jenny

    Goddammit you derps working for democratic organizations! If someone sends you a link in a email that is like omg click this link right now!!! DON’T CLICK IT!

    These aren’t brute force “hacks”, these are low grade social engineering phishing.

    Stop being a idiots!

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Jenny, here’s free gubmint cheese for you.

      https://www.freegubmintcheese.com

      • Candy Apple

        left click + inspect = “www.freegubmintcheese.com”

        Seems legit. I’m gonna click it!

    • Gentle Robot

      It’s basic phishing right? This is how they got into those celebrities’ cloud accounts

  • anwisok

    I hope I have enough critters. *eyes Google images nervously*

    • I Only Like Cats

      Have you added any island foxes? There are plenty of cute pictures of those guys.

    • eddi

      Check out http://www.Zooborns.com. All baby animals of all species. And some uplifting stories to boot.

  • I Only Like Cats

    Faux news has thrown a tantrum and given up pretending to be neutral or any sort of news place (when asked for comment, everyone made a confused face and asked what “neutrality” meant) and WaPo actually has real journalists on staff (!!!!). Also sloths. It doesn’t look like it’s going to be as horrifying as Tuesday so that’s nice. So, I’m assuming Scott Walker is rigging the election so he can keep himself and downticket Republicans in power, is that right?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      I lit a cigarette on a parking meter and walked on down the road. It was a normal day…

    • mackafritz

      Well, not rigging the election (that’s something the Rancid Orange would say). But suppressing the vote, that’s something the Repubs are experts at.

    • boyblue122

      Faux news pretended to be unbiased at some point? That news to me

      • Jamoche

        They convinced a lot of people they were “Fair and balanced”. I believed it as much as Google’s “Don’t be evil”.

    • kaydenpat

      When did Fox News ever pretend to be neutral?

  • Crystalclear12

    Ending with one cute sloth picture does not wash the rest of the deep away.

    • eddi

      But it is a nice end to skimming some links about horse’s asses.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I’m starting to think that Trump fella might not be right in the head.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Pretty sure he’s not left in the head.

    • eddi

      The staples for his wig dig in a little too far.

    • kaydenpat

      Or perhaps he never intended this farce to get this far and is desperately trying to lose. He’s saying crazy things to ensure that he’ll lose and drag down the Republican Party with him.

      • eddi

        No, his ego would not permit that attitude. He simply says the first thing that occurs to him and if somebody cheers, he doubles down. Nothing matter but the ego boost he gets. As addictions go, it’s a bad one.

      • Yesterday I briefly considered the possibility that trump is hillz’ BFF and this has been a conspiracy all along to get her elected, distract from her problems and tank the republicans.

        I think it was the ‘yet another scandalous statement on a Tuesday’ that made me think that way.

      • Gentle Robot

        You guys always give the nutty candidates too much credit. It’s like you’re too smart to understand that somebody could really be that narcissistic, arrogant and downright stupid.

  • Joshua Norton

    Trump is now saying that Obama is the founder of ISIS,

    I’m thinking that instead of Trump getting actual security briefings, the State Dept. just left the TV on Fox News for him.

    • boyblue122

      They gave him a copy of National Enquirer too in case he got bored with the TV

      • Reddishrabbit

        I just found out the National Enquierer is in the same building I work in. Haven’t run into Dick Morris yet, but you never know.

    • kaydenpat

      Trump is a casual liar. If anything, it was Bush and his policies which led to the creation of ISIS in light of the unnecessary Iraq war.

      • Gentle Robot

        If anything, that doesn’t make an American President the “founder” of a terrorist group. Is King George III the founder of the USA?

      • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

        To the GOP, January 2009 is the Year One. Everything bad in the world started then, and it’s all Obama’s Fault.

      • Personally I feel Dubya shares the blame with Bashar al-Assad, whose response to the Arab Spring was to let the craziest of the crazy Islamists out of jail to cause chaos.

  • Catstro

    Looks like Ecuador is going to cooperate with Sweden and allow Assange to at least be questioned.

    http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_57ac4243e4b0ba7ed23f27be

    • boyblue122

      How truthful is he going to be inside an embassy that he is protected in, though?

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Dear Ecuadorian Embassy; Have you ever thought of holding a Fire Drill? Once everybody has evacuated the building and gathered across the road at the designated assembly point, the Metropolitan Police can move in and arrest Assange. Nobody could accuse you of handing him over, and you’ll be able to redecorate the guest bedroom at last. Just a thought.

  • Candy Apple

    Go to hell, Joe Scarborough, you solipsistic dimwit. Things don’t start to exist the second you notice them. I was hating Donald Trump back in the ’90s, before it was cool. Nice of you to finally catch up.

    • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

      I can beat that one – I started hating him in the 80s.

      But, then, you may be younger than me and are not privy to his antics back then.

    • Gentle Robot

      Hey Trump hipster, I only started hating Trump recently, what are some of his worst albums?

    • tehbaddr

      His only semi decent work was Wollman rink, totally downhill thereafter!

    • I always thought he was, well, a short fingered vulgarian who continually filed for bankruptcy, married scary looking models and had worse taste than a Russian mobster. And was of exactly zero interest as entertainment.

      I am reminded again: HOW ON EARTH did we get here?

      • Jamoche

        Even when I did watch the Apprentice, I left the tiny segment at the end on mute because I was there for Omarosa shenanigans, not Trump’s camera-pandering. You knew all the talk about who was a better businessperson was BS; the real criteria for getting booted was who made better ratings bait.

  • jmhm

    I don’t know all that much about Virginia. Do they enjoy having parvenu New Yorkers tell them how much their state sucks?

    • Skadi

      My mother is from Manassas, and she says it all the time…

      • jmhm

        But she’s from there. She’s allowed to, yes?

  • Jeff in the desert

    The agenda makes “a splendid time is guaranteed for all”

  • kaydenpat

    That the Secret Service had to talk to Trump about his violence-baiting comments is just another reason that he is not presidential. This is unheard of.

    • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

      The WORST.

      Worse even than Bush The Stupider.

  • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

    2008 Double Eagles? Are those the ones with a whopping 100 micrograms of gold on them? You know – enough gold to be worth at LEAST 10 cents?

  • bookish

    Awww, Buttercup. Totally disarmed by her sweetness.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Sloth. my navourite deadly sin.

      • Grizz1y

        It’s only my third, Lust and gluttony, then sloth.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          I must try them someday, but they seem like too much effort.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    The old story about the Wonkette helping to out creepy Mark Foley was from 2006!? Just how much oldz is the Wonkette!?

  • Stupid Washington Post. If you’re going to show the video of hillz getting rushed by a man who’s taken down by secret service then show the video of the man rushing the stage and getting taken down by secret service.

    We were left with nothing but green pant suit.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Reading, “Eat a bag of dixie” was worth the price of admission this morning.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    And speaking of dicks, looks like Jerry Rivers decide he could show he still had some balls…..now that Roger Ailes isn’t around to cut them off for stepping over the FauxNeuz party line.

    • phoenix00

      BALLS. Heehee.

  • HazooToo

    Still after the Dixie Chicks? Really? Fuck you AND your couch, Lady.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    tl:dr- stay off the news sites today, it can only get worse

  • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

    Sean Hannity is definitely idiotesque. Also stupidesque and definitely desperatesque. It really is rather sadesque and patheticesque to see. Watching this clip caused me to experience ” violent, out of control movements”, but I talked to a doctor and he told me gagging and dry heaves were a normal physiological reaction to being subjected to something as completely and utterly loathsome as Sean Hannity. I sure was relievedesque!

  • Jamoche

    Reading Lumpy, I realized something: “they’re going to repeal the 2nd Amendment” is the new rallying cry to replace “we need to repeal Roe vs Wade”, because even the dimmest of their supporters has got to have noticed that they’ve had lots of opportunities to do so and it hasn’t happened yet. Like RvW, it has the advantage of stirring up a lot of emotions without actually being something that’s going to happen.

  • MOG253

    With this heat, I feel like Buttercup!

  • Jay

    Goddammit, Kennedy!

    • Jay

      If Duff comes out in support of Trump I am DONE.

      And was Geraldo being reasonable there? Huh.

  • Moe Smith

    This is a propaganda site.

    • greyXstar

      Huh? This is a humble mommyblog and recipe hub. You must’ve gotten turned around on the information superhighway.

    • phoenix00

      Nasty
      Vile
      Little
      Snark
      Mob.

      No propogandas here!

  • Jamoche

    Trump staffer didn’t get the notice that Trump hates iPhones; this data analysis on Trump’s twitter feed shows a distinct difference between Android and iPhone tweets. The Android ones, not surprisingly, are also much angrier.

    • phoenix00

      Lack of timely security patches I see.

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