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Not the Schwab boy.
Not the Schwab boy.
Well, this is horrible, but it’s the Daily Mail, so let’s pray they’re wrong: A 10-year-old boy in Kansas, son of a Republican lawmaker, was reportedly FUCKING DECAPITATED at Kansas City’s Schlitterbahn Waterpark Sunday.

Would it be better if the boy had just concussed himself and drowned? Wouldn’t he still be dead anyway? Yes it would, even though yes he would. Can we all agree decapitation is a lot worse than drowning, because the horror of a drowned child is quite enough horror already? Otherwise ISIS would just drown people instead of cutting off their heads in front of the cameras, even though, oh hell, they do that too. I do not like ISIS at all.

But here’s the problem — argh, besides a dead 10-year-old — and why this story is Politickal: Schlitterbahn opened its (oft-sued!) waterpark in Kansas City specifically because it’s a Republican paradise, like Galt’s Gulch, and Somalia. There is no regulation here that might stymie them from building a 168-foot-high waterslide and letting too-skinny 10-year-olds ride it, only to be flung off their raft because they’re too light, hit the “safety” netting and REPORTEDLY get their fucking heads cut off.

Let’s go to Susie Madrak for the Inappropriate Politicizing:

The designer of the world’s highest waterslide specifically said they built it in Kansas because there were no regulations on height. It took a while before it passed safety tests. […]

It’s not just Kansas, although Gov. Brownback certainly is proud of his deregulated paradise. Turns out there’s very little regulation on amusement parks anywhere — including Disney. So little, that when someone is injured or killed on a ride, the state of Florida doesn’t even get to inspect it. They get to “investigate” the incident, but they don’t get to inspect the ride. Useful!

That’s because the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions pays a lot of lobbyists, and so far, they’ve been very good at making sure your kids and grandchildren remain at risk — because to do otherwise would put profits at risk, and we can’t have that, can we?

The Daily Mail has much more, including the multiple lawsuits alleging severe injuries at the waterpark, and a picture of a little redheaded freckled boy with his smiling dad that might just murder you dead. We are sorry for your horrific loss, Scott Schwab, and won’t even be picking through your legislative record, that’s how sorry we are.

In the meantime, Schlitterbahn expects to reopen on Wednesday following Sunday’s REPORTED BEHEADING. The Verruckt — German for insane, but you probably knew that already — will remain closed at least temporarily.

YOU FUCKING THINK???

[DailyMail / SusieMadrak]

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  • Oneofthebobs

    That child needs tax cuts now!

    • tehbaddr

      Too late I’m afraid.

      • bubbuhh

        Every real GOPee knows it’s never too late for a taxcut.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He got a different kind of cut.

      • Oneofthebobs

        Shoulda seen that comin’.

  • bubbuhh

    Faith based engineering works no better than faith based healing. They are both German words for “It’s fucking insane you Xian fundie assholes.”

    • Captain Kraut

      Believe it or not, but that’s shit that even Germans don’t have words for.

      Do you know why? Because it’s just not a thing over here, we -generally speaking- prefer our healing to be science-based and our engineering…I can’t even imagine what our engineers would do to you were you to suggest faith based engineering.

      But it would probably involve several tons of concrete and a farewell letter…

      • efoveks

        Yes, you “get” to miss out on the faith-based math as well. We should send some missionaries posthaste, you know, to “save” you!

        • Grizz1y

          Isn’t Kansas one of the states that tried to legislate the value of Pi to 3.00?

          • Villago Delenda Est

            That was Indiana, and sanity prevailed. But sanity had to make an appearance to prevail.

          • bubbuhh

            Sanity had to show in the legislature’s waiting rooms to talk the bill’s sponsors out of making a motion on the floor.

          • Vericima

            I’m still confused on how one can legislate mathematical constants.

  • anna rampage

    Schlitterbahn? What bloody kind of name is that?

    It sounds like Hitler’s expressway for shit….

  • tehbaddr

    That’s horrible! The free hand giveth, and the free hand taketh away.

    • Vecchiojohn

      If it weren’t against The Rules, I’d say I’d like to get my visible hands around someone’s worthless neck. Bring back the pillory for these people.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    A “fatal neck injury” versus decapitation!? Wow… If decap is correct, it’s a good thing the Brits have have something of a Press left…

  • Nockular cavity

    Beheaderbahn

  • GoutMachine

    Sadly, I’m sure your average Kansan (or average red stater) won’t see the connection. Or, they’ll rail against “government regulation” all the while rending their clothes and saying, “How can we prevent horrible things like this?!”

  • goonemeritus

    The penalty for having a parent that lack the ability for abstract reason should not be this horrific. My sincere condolences.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well, as a parent, if my kid wanted to go the water park, and thousands of other kids did so every week without incident, I wouldn’t necessarily know the thing was so unsafe, unless something like this had happened before and was well publicized. Clearly this thing should have been better designed and regulated, but your average parent wouldn’t know that until it was too late.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Also, I don’t think parents (and the general public) realize that these places aren’t as regulated as they think they are. We have a tendency to believe that those “common sense” precautions are law of the land, but they aren’t. It is a sad irony, that the very same folks who piss and moan about regulations somehow expect those regulations to be in place when they need them.

      • Banrion

        These issues were known and ignored 2 years ago before the slide was ever open. Anyone living in the vicinity of the park would have heard about this.

        http://www.kctv5.com/story/25590567/worlds-of-fun-new-ride-wont-open-on-saturday

      • goonemeritus

        True but his legislator dad I assume had a hand in tamping down all those “Job Killing” regulations.

  • kareemachan

    I read that they were having a special day for Kansas lawmakers with free rides and all.

  • btwbfdimho

    The Invisible Hand jerks in mysterious ways.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Why am I not at all surprised that these assholes built this death trap with the smiling assent of Brownback and his gang of libertarian douchenozzels? All those regulations they bitch about are usually written in blood. In this case, the blood of a 10 year old.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Just be watering the Tree of Liberty

  • Lizzietish81

    I think drowning would be worse, decapitation tends to happen quicker.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Just don’t burn me.

      • FauxAntocles

        Oh, I hate that!

    • Captain Kraut

      We need an expert opinion. Anne BoleynsHead, where art thou?

  • timpundit

    Only a good water slide with a gun can stop a bad water slide.

    • efoveks

      Same is true of potato salad.

  • Lizzietish81

    If only the kid had been armed

    • Jennaratrix

      I should not have laughed at that. Shame on both of us.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Is there a special Darwin Award for allowing your spawn to take your place seeing as you didn’t remove the stupid genes yourself?

    • proudgrampa

      Apparently.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The obvious solution is to enact more tax cuts and deregulation.

    • roberteye

      And the bathrooms, don’t forget the bathrooms.

      • efoveks

        Oh, we’re gonna regulate the fuck outta those…

        • gedjcj

          “We want to make government small enough to fit in a bathroom and check your genitalia.”

  • proudgrampa

    This is just sad beyond belief.

    I am spending the day with my proudgrandson, and I am gonna hold him close, so close.

  • fawkedifiknow

    We need a good capital gains tax cut, to deal with this.

  • Treg Brown

    Jesus. I’m so sorry this happened to that little kid. Sorry for his family and everyone who cared about him. Rest in peace little guy.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      It’s the daily mail. Let’s hope they just made this up.

      • eddi

        Sorry. From CNN

        Schlitterbahn death was due to neck injury, police say

        http://www.cnn.com/2016/08/07/us/kansas-schlitterbahn-water-park-child-death/index.html

        • Treg Brown

          Yep. The little guy still died on the ride, just not decapitated.

        • GoutMachine

          Some park guests say the slide’s harness wasn’t working properly earlier in the day.

          “A lady in front of me said that multiple times she rode the ride today, the Verruckt, and that the front harness did not work any of the times that she rode it,” park guest Jessica Lundquist told KSHB.

          Huh. So the key safety feature of the ride wasn’t working and NO ONE SHUT DOWN THE FUCKING RIDE?

          Fuck these people with votes.

          • Spotts1701

            Hey, shutting down rides costs money! Customers don’t pay to stand around waiting for a bunch of “weenies” to fix things!

          • Villago Delenda Est

            The Verrucht. That’s crazy!

          • Panika MCD

            seeing this, I’ve edited my comments accordingly.

          • eddi

            Money over safety. Republican values win again.

      • berkeleyfarm

        I saw this on yahoo news (which admittedly is about the Fail’s level) when I was looking for Olympics scores, so it seems to be at least “mostly true” (apparently the “decapitated” part was the Fail’s “extra flair”, erm, clickbait-grabbing exaggeration).

        • efoveks

          It’s okay to read the fluffy stuff sometimes. :)

  • Daisy

    Oh, this is so sad.

  • memzilla

    Decapitation can also refer to internal decapitation, where the head looks like it is still attached to the body.

    Since this is Sam Brownback’s Kansas we’re talking about, expect the courts to find the park guiltless, and allow it to raise its fees to cover the extra insurance which the parents won’t see a fucking dime of.

    • tehbaddr

      That’s often referred to as “The Rag Doll”. Looking at the Safety “Net”/Cage”, I’m imagining something happened along the line of a cheese grater event. tRump should be all over this, free market, making things Grate…

  • At least under trump he won’t have to pay any death taxes…..

  • Wasn’t it Disney who used to have the policy of informing security and the PR teams before calling EMTs to attend serious accidents?

    • theblackdog

      Not sure on that one but they did have a policy on not allowing marked ambulances into the park so as not to upset guests.

  • cousin itt

    I blame physics.

    • GoutMachine

      So, the debbil?

      • tehbaddr

        Always SATAN!!!11111!!!!!!!!1111111!!!!!!!!

    • Spotts1701

      9.81 m/s2 – it’s not just a good idea, it’s the law.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Teach the controversy. Teach it . . .

      • tehbaddr

        Hey! This is the USA! 32 ft/s2 if you would sir! Good day!

      • weejee

        May the farce be with you.

        • Vecchiojohn

          He’s a witch!

    • Jim Johnson

      Bad science? Or, in this case, bad engineering?

      • tehbaddr

        Engineered fine, they didn’t have the load required by design, and faulty straps.

    • baconzgood

      Everyone knows science has a liberal agenda against deregulation.

  • Vecchiojohn

    Tax cuts and deregulation. Is there anything the can’t fix?

    • tehbaddr

      Caleb’s flopping neck and head.

      • limberrat

        But prayers and condolences for the family fix everything!

        • GoutMachine

          Our thoughts and prayers are with the family. /proceeds to do nothing.

          • tehbaddr

            Yup thoughts and prayers…..

            to soon to talk about regulation ever!!!!!111!11!111!!!!!

  • Tallmutha

    This is tangential and in bad taste, but the Wikipedia entry on New Jersey’s legendarily hazardous Action Park (a/k/a “Traction Park,” a/k/a “Class Action Park”) is at once appalling and hilarious. Don’t miss the photo of the “Cannonball Loop.”

    • Arolpin

      My (small, skinny, and lightweight) 10-year old twins love that place. Last year they were too short for any of the good rides, but they were very excited that they just walked right by the height signs and went on the rides anyway. It’s not quite as cute now, especially since they both only weigh about 50 pounds, and probably aren’t correctly secured in the rides.

  • Jim Johnson

    Seems like they would be more pro-life in their approach to these rides. Regulations subverting a pregnant woman’s right to privacy are OK, but regulations on amusement park investors must be avoided? You built that!

    • Lizzietish81

      Well who cares about living children?

      • Crystalclear12

        Future “takers”

        • efoveks

          Future? They’re filthy little money pits who talk back!

          (Yes, that is snark)

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Lil’ Marco knows the answer to this question.

  • weejee

    Verruckt², maybe to the infinity power plus 1.

  • limberrat

    So the suicide coaster does actually exist and it is in Kansas. Just don’t buckle in everyone!

  • Hey, at least he was saved from the horror of abortion!

  • Spotts1701

    Going that fast is probably not a good idea for anyone. Especially if the only protection you have is a flimsy rubber tube.

  • Can we move on to Lindsey Lohan or something?

  • anwisok
  • I Only Like Cats

    And suddenly my terror at Knott’s Soak City and Silverwood seems justified (I refused to go on the rollacoasters there. They did not look safe at ALL.)

    • Crystalclear12

      Vindication!

    • natoslug

      My kids loved Silverwood. I spent my time trying (and failing) to convince them to avoid the coasters and stick with the things that didn’t look like deathtraps.

      • I Only Like Cats

        I forced my friend to spend the entire time in the waterpark section (I originally promised her two rollacoasters but my anxiety got worse later in the day).

        • natoslug

          The wooden rollercoaster doesn’t help things. I figured it would tip over, then burst into flames. And this being Idaho, they’d have figured out a way to make it set the waterpark sections on fire as well. (assuming you’re also talking about Silverwood in Idaho)

          • efoveks

            The Big Dipper in Santa Cruz is also wooden. And rickety. I’ve ridden it in the past but doubt I would again, being older & wiser.

          • I Only Like Cats

            The chances of me going on a Ferris wheel after finding out how rickety and wobbly they almost universally are (and the Psych and Monk episodes featuring them) is very very small, and shrinking every day.

          • Daisy

            Once. That was enough for me. And no roller coasters for me either. I hate them. I don’t handle open heights very well. I hate balconies too, particularly after what happened in Berkeley last year.

          • I Only Like Cats

            Should I ask?

          • Daisy

            Last year, a balcony in Berkeley collapsed, killing about six Irish students. The reason I heard was because it made national news, but not for long. Because almost immediately after, the Charleston Church shooting happened.

          • efoveks

            As Daisy said below. The scary part is the building had been inspected and was pronounced fine. The balcony was not rated for the number of people who were on it at the time. To that end, the building owner was cleared of any wrongdoing, but it was a horrible scene. The city talked of changing/adding regulations over this, but I don’t know whatever became of it.

          • Blank Ron

            A similar thing happened in Chicago 30-odd years ago. I don’t recall anything positive coming out of that either.

          • Arolpin

            The Cyclone at Coney Island used to have a guy who had to weigh 600 pounds running the safety brake. He could barely get his hands around his stomach to pull the bar that set the brake. It’s an old, wooden coaster than has been braced with I-beams, and i don’t think they did any upkeep on it between the Beame administration and the first Bloomberg administration. That didn’t stop me for my spring tradition, on the first really nice day of spring take a day off work, ride the subway to Coney Island, drink a couple of 40oz draft beers, ride the Cyclone 4 or 5 times, walk the boardwalk, ride the subway home.

          • efoveks

            That is some serious thrill seeking .

          • theblackdog

            I liked the Cyclone, except for the lack of cushioning on the seats. Slammed my tailbone on the metal support bar under the cushion after the first hill and it was nice and bruised for a few weeks.

          • Arolpin

            It’s the lack of cushioning on the sides of the cars that get me. No matter how tightly they close the safety bar I still slide around and bang my knees on the metal sides. I took my wife’s cousins when they were tweens and I was seriously afraid they would fly right out. They loved it though.

          • theblackdog

            Oh man I forgot about the sliding around, maybe because I was too busy going OWWWWWW!

            Of course your cousins loved it, after all, they got to cheat death on that thing and live for another day ;-D

          • I Only Like Cats

            I am in fact talking about the Silverwood in Idaho. The covered/half covered long slides seem pretty safe, especially since they’re built on the natural incline and are on the other side of the park from the death traps.

          • natoslug

            The kids here loved that place. Near beautiful, sunny Athol, ID. Okay, sunny Athol. My pronunciation of the town was never appreciated.

          • Grizz1y

            Ah yes Athol, Where once on a camping trip and returning from a store run one of my friends saw several cops going code 3 away from town. He said “Hey look, pigs flying out of Athol.”

          • natoslug

            I only wish someone had had the foresight to found a town name Elbow nearby.

          • Bear OmNomNom

            They named a town after Butch Otter?

            Heh-heh, “Butch Otter.” #gaybeavis

          • Arolpin

            I have an aunt who went to college with a Thelma Thayer, from Athol, ID.

          • theblackdog

            Does Michael Bay own this park?

        • efoveks

          No, your good sense and love of life kicked in.

        • TeeRaak

          I once went to a State Fair only a week after some one got killed on one of the rides. I thought, what are the odds…

          Apparently, pretty good.

    • Panika MCD

      they’re the same ones developed at Original Flavor Schlitterbahn in New Braunfels, TX. the only reason I haven’t been on them more than a few times is that the lines are usually about 2 hrs long. as long as you follow the instructions of the lifeguards, you’re usually fine.

      • I Only Like Cats

        The waterpark rides didn’t scare me that much (except the one where you’re constantly two inches away from the edge) once on, but the staircases up to them seem a thrown nickel away from tipping over.

        • Panika MCD

          that part has nothing to do with Schlitterbahn.

          • I Only Like Cats

            No but you’d think people would think these things through together… or not I guess. It’s like when someone has a custom house built and didn’t think the less fun things like outlets and cabinetry through.

          • Panika MCD

            I know. all the ones at NB Schlitterbahn are either sloped (and wheelchair accessible) or they’re these big staircases that are completely fenced in.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I used to really enjoy amusement parks, until the last time I went on my 25th B-day (Six Flags, Maryland). I noticed that all the ride operators were fucking teenagers… Not sure how I felt about folks not old enough to drive a car at night by themselves operating a roller coaster… And I got myself kicked off the last coaster after blessing out the ride operators. Long story short, I was sitting in the first car, everybody’s lap bars were down EXCEPT MINE, neither me or my sister could get an attendant’s attention (ironic, huh), and for all I knew, they were about to hit the little green button. The Bunny lost her shit–BIG TIME.

      • theblackdog

        Oh Six Flags, I don’t miss their nickel and diming practices. I live only 15 mins from the Maryland one but I would rather drive 2 hours to Richmond and Kings Dominion.

        • Law

          Was just at Six Flags MO a couple months ago (the water park side of it was great but the rest of it was BS). The Boss roller coaster looks like it saw better days 25 years ago, teens running it, and as the cars came over the hill behind the line/wait chalet, you can see the entire fucking wooden support structure rocking back and forth. I was horrified. We trust this shit and how much of it is rotted out?! I stupidly went on it anyway and felt like my brains were being squeezed out of my head through my eyeballs.

          Done with amusement parks. You can find me in the lazy river.

  • limberrat

    As stated so many times before, pro-lifers only care about you in the womb but couldn’t give a shit about you after you are born!

  • Crystalclear12

    Actions have consequences. . . so does lack of action.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    So, a Republican lawmaker’s kid gets killed by an unregulated business? As Jesus Jones once said, Alanis Morissette didn’t have this to sing about.

    • TeeRaak

      End of Nose meet Life-Saving “Red Tape”.

  • Vecchiojohn

    Heck of a job, Brownback.

  • BMW

    Once again….
    Kansas City, Missouri > Kansas City, Kansas

    • cousin itt

      If I were KCK, I’d just say finally, ok, I give up and turn me over to Missouri.

      • Shan the Libtart

        If you were from Kansas, you’d just say “Ok, mufukkas. We’re building a wall and renaming OUR side.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Because Kansas.

  • natoslug

    Yet another item in the lost of things that are the matter with Kansas. We’re gonna need a bigger book.

  • efoveks

    On TV last night, they showed one of the rafts flying off, up & out on a test run that preceded the netting. It does not take much imagination to see what new problem might arise from this. This poor child’s death was so PREVENTABLE it’s appalling.

    • Panika MCD

      they always net the water coasters.

      • efoveks

        Wow. The first thing I’d see as a problem is keeping everyone weighted down. The second is how to keep people (ya, mostly women) with really long hair from getting strands tangled in the netting. That would, at minimum, hurt if it were to get caught in.. Anyway, the whole thing looks like a bad idea.

        • Panika MCD

          they have weight restrictions for a reason. I’ve seen them even tell pretty big guys they couldn’t go it alone because they need to be weighed down and gravity (multiplied by water) keeps your hair from getting anywhere near the netting.

        • Panika MCD

          p.s. I have really long hair.

          • efoveks

            I hope you don’t ride that thing then.

          • Panika MCD

            I’ve ridden the thing. the photos don’t do much for scale, but my hair was perfectly safe. it was safe by about 3 feet.

    • OddMan

      I read one account that interviewed people who saw this. It was horrible and I won’t rehash it all. It seems that the harnesses were velcro and worn. This young child was with two women. The raft went airborne and likely hit the netting supports right at max speed and the boy was knocked out of the raft. Both women had facial injuries. Only solace is the young lad died instantly.

      This was Elected Official Day at the park.

      • calliecallie

        Elected Official Day? That marketing person is so getting fired.

  • anwisok
    • timpundit

      Is the last one a kitten puppy hybrid?

      • anwisok

        Some kind of fox, I think. Maybe.

        • Mezzaluna

          So a kitten-puppy hybrid.

      • Grizz1y

        It is distilled cuteness, the very essence of cuddle-ability. Brought to you by Monsanto.

      • The Wanderer

        It doesn’t look real. It looks like those faux suede over plastic figurine tchotchkes you used to find in card shops.

    • janecita

      After I read the story, I looked for you all over the comments! Thanks:-)

    • janecita

      BTW, I want to be as happy as that kitten hanging out with the ducklings.

  • Panika MCD

    while I am a longtime fan of Schlitterbahn (the original, not the watered down versions that are pretty much every water park in the world), they are currently on my shit list for opposing an SPD to deal with a certain section of the Guadalupe River which is at the moment sort of a no man’s land. still, they do really good work on testing their rides before letting anyone on them and are responsible for just about every water ride anyone here has ever enjoyed–even the ones on cruise ships. their life guards are also both diligent in their duties and hilarious.

    this is the first occasion I’ve ever heard of them trying something new out anywhere that is not their New Braunfels site–which is awesome and you should go sometime, I promise you won’t be decapiated. given their opposition to the proposed GRRD, I can see them doing this, but DAMMIT don’t ruin Schlitterbahn for me!

    I don’t know what the life guards are like in KC, but if they’re anything like ours down here, they would have said, “maybe not so much with this kid getting on the ride. he can try again once he’s hit puberty.” maybe they aren’t. maybe someone pulled rank to get the kid on the ride. the rides themselves usually don’t have belts–then again, the rides don’t usually kill you.

    besides, if I had to put my money on any ride ever killing anyone, it was the old version of the Downhill Racer where you sad on your knees on a little yellow cushion with wheels on the bottom and were released down at a 60 degree angle. took me about 10 years to try it and I never did again. but they’ve changed it significantly.

    • GoutMachine

      I grew up in Arlington, which was Wet ‘n’ Wild land. I always loved going to NB and Schlitterbahn because it seemed more … I dunno, more fun. Less corporate.

      • Panika MCD

        well, it is all prototypes. so, yes, it is more fun. remember how long it took for the rest of the world to discover the Boogie Bahn?

    • TeeRaak

      They only changed it because it wasn’t safe.

      • Panika MCD

        they’ve had the nets on the coasters since they opened. all of them. even the big family one which isn’t much of a coaster.

    • theblackdog

      It was also “local politicians Elected Officials Day” or something like that at the park, so now I wonder about someone pulling rank to get the kid on there.

  • baconzgood

    I worked at an amusement park called Kennywood for several years (it was family owned at the time) and when ANY one got hurt they immediately closed the ride and one of the owners would personally talk to the family and pay every single medical bill. Not because he was worried about law suits but he felt incredibly guilty. They even spent millions of dollars re designing a roller coaster (taking out the loops) because people were complaining of strained necks.

    • GoutMachine

      See!? Didn’t need no gubment oversight!

      • baconzgood

        The point was that it wasn’t run by a faceless corporation but that the owners had a personal stake in the park. The owners grew up there.

        • GoutMachine

          I know. I was being snarky. ;)

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Do you know what that park needed? To be bought out by someone who didn’t give a shit because I don’t think they were profitable with all this ‘caring’ business…increase profits by 20% or you’re burned, BACON BOY!

      • baconzgood

        It was.

    • arglebargle

      Kennywood was pretty cool, but nothing like Storybook Forest. That placed rocked! (at least it did when I was four years old)

      • baconzgood

        They were owned by the same family. Same with Sandcastle.

        • YoBunnyBunny

          I loved Sandcastle…if only because it’s the size of a strip mall. Fun nonetheless. The one time I went, it was a raining, so NO LINES!!!!! YAY!!!!

      • tomamitai

        Is that the one where there was a pretty young woman “living” inside the shoe? My old man flirted with her in front of my mother and all us kids. Talk about foreshadowing…. :(

        • arglebargle

          That’s the one. But a pretty young lady? The nursery rhyme says “there was an old lady who lived in a shoe…”

          • tomamitai

            Yeah, she was in her twenties, if I recall correctly. She was dressed in some kind of olde time outfit.

      • Little Lulu

        Not Enchanted Forest in Maryland?

    • tomamitai

      When I was a kid we’d point and yell “Kennywood’s open” whenever someone’s fly was unzipped.

      • baconzgood

        I still do.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      Oh my God, they don’t kill at Kennywood! You bastards!!

  • Gentle Robot

    NBC says “unspecified neck injury”
    I’m not going to treat the Daily Mail as an reliable original source
    http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/many-others-kansas-ride-where-caleb-schwab-died-minimally-regulated-n625831

    • btwbfdimho

      Like a bad red neck?

      • Gentle Robot

        Geez, dial back the hate. It’s funny to you that this kid is dead because he lives in a flyover state?

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Well gee, he was either decapitated or had his neck snapped like a chicken…are we going to split hairs here? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

    • Señor Skwerl

      Was the head completely detached? Is that what we are asking?

  • weejee

    The Replicans think bidness is being choked by regulations. Decapitated, too, also.

  • Brian

    They practically named the park Dear Shitferbrains, like they expected things like this to happen.

    • The Wanderer

      Deleted Comments Libelz!

    • Bear OmNomNom

      Schlitterbahn? Worst. Kraftwerk. Song. Evar.

  • limberrat

    Speaking frankly as an engineer, this is the type of bullshit that drives me paranoid all the time at water parks and theme parks. Whenever they design something “bigger” or “faster” it always puts into question whether it is safe or not!

    • Gentle Robot

      Frankly I took a look at the POV video and the thing looks boring as hell and lasts about 30 seconds.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTxw1PlNCxw
      Plus who wears a seatbelt on a water slide? At this point you’ve made a shitty roller coaster.
      The original Schlitterbahn in New Braunfels is a completely badass water park.

      • Hairstrike Alpha

        Probably because a child just got decapitated like a turkey in a Sarah Palin video riding on it…at the very least his neck got snapped. That might explain why…

      • anwisok
      • theblackdog

        That was actually one of the selling points of this water slide, they based it on roller coasters. It was what actually led to several of the delays because the designers and engineers failed to realize at first that certain physics that work on roller coasters don’t work so well for water slides.

      • orygoon

        The Schlitterbahn New Braunfels is one of the best places to spend a Texas summer day. At least it was some years ago when I last went. Trees, shade, cold spring water, reasonable water-fun rides.

    • ManchuCandidate

      That’s because the sales and market geniuses:
      a) already promised it to the finance gnus
      b) already told the public so IT MUST BE DONE
      c) never asked any safety or technical guys whether it be a good idea

      • limberrat

        This is how I sometimes feel on engineering projects and I know this was likely what was going on with the engineers on this as well.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg

      • Villago Delenda Est

        This is similar to designing an entire ad campaign around a URL that you haven’t bothered to check to see is available.

        This actually happened at my alma mater, Duck U.

        • Bear OmNomNom

          Or choosing a URL without checking it for alternative implications. See: Powergen Italia.

  • cousin itt

    “There’s a Mr Daesh on line two, asking about investment opportunities.”

    • limberrat

      As part of our PR campaign, we decided that our infidels needed to have fun before we sent them to their afterlife. For some reason our videos of decapitating people upset the public. We hope seeing their friends and family going down a waterslide will make them feel a bit better.

  • Royal Ugly Dude, Esq.

    I don’t want to go to Mt. Splashmore
    Don’t even take me there now
    No no no no no

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Unregulated Lives Matter!

  • Ms.MLG1979

    If we’re lucky, Trump will make a “joke” about this poor, dead child soon. Nothing funnier than dead children.

    • Gentle Robot

      Dude there’s like six comments making fun of this dead kid right here

      • rebecca

        yeah, what’s up with that you guys

      • Ms.MLG1979

        Not gonna read those!

      • sw19womble

        Okay, will not scroll down further!

    • Bear OmNomNom

      Lucky’s the word, all right — because I think *that* might finally be enough to implode him.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    That’s all the internets I need for today. See you tomorrow, beloved.

    • Ms.MLG1979

      I’ll miss you, doll!

  • TeeRaak
    • Gentle Robot

      There’s an indoor playground/giant bouncy house in the mall near me and you are greeted with a dozen consoles on which to sign a release form, and signs saying in huge letters you can’t enter without signing the release.
      I just turned around and left.

      • Beowoof14

        I see those in New York and I always happily sign because there is a statute in New York that prohibits places of amusement from enforcing exculpatory clauses. Which makes my living in this liberal stronghold happy.

  • baconzgood

    Just think of the terror this poor little guy felt a moment before his death…..

    The people responsible should be flayed in public. (And not with votes).

    • Mickey Donovan

      As with most accidents involving speed, in the instant that this accident occurred, he probably had no awareness or terror, which may be the only consoling thought I can offer.

  • shastakoala

    I’m not a big fan of Nancy Grace but flipping through the channels I heard her railing on about something. It was this unforgivable tragedy. Her mother/lawyer viciousness was admirable. First time I liked her.

    • GoutMachine

      Wait, she’s still around? I thought she got shitcanned.

      • shastakoala

        Still there.

      • Spotts1701

        She’s playing out the rest of her contract, because CNN is too cheap to eat the money and yank her off the air now.

      • Mickey Donovan

        And I thought she’d had so many facelifts that her mouth was now on the back of her head.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      For all Nancy Grace’s squawking, I do like to think sometimes that it’s because she actually cares about victims. She’s still obnoxious, though.

  • Catstro

    I did get a concussion on a water slide. I was 8, and they let me go down the slide before my dad, AND they didn’t time it right. I didn’t have time to get out of the way, and all 175 pounds of my dad crashed into my noggin’. I passed out briefly, but didn’t come close to drowning. Just a lot of puking and confusion for the rest of the vacation. It didn’t stop my desire to ride all the water slides, but my parents were more discerning after that.

    My kid-self and my mom-self are quite upset about this.

  • ManchuCandidate

    I wonder if it a good idea to ask Dinesh D’Souza if he wants a free trip to Shitter Water Park.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    They’ll run the formula- if the money lost in payouts for death and dismemberment is less than the money it would require to make their attractions safe, then hello chopped off heads! At least they will refrain from mounting the child’s head on a spike for disloyal employees to see what happens if they blow the whistle….I mean, give them credit for SOME restraint.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      They can’t — Kansas hasn’t legalized Pol Pot yet.

  • pstockholm

    They were going to drown government in a bathtub, not a kid on a water slide.

    • sw19womble

      Pft, details!

    • Bear OmNomNom

      Your snark make Grover sad. And Grover too old to go see Tickle Me Dennis for feel better.

  • jowgajen

    Why were the safety restraints velcro? Whut? Is your car seatbelt velcro? Do they velcro you into an airplane? I think not.

    • Gentle Robot

      Airplane seatbelts are pretty weak. You’re buckled into the chair. Watch the beginning of Alive or LOST and see how effective that is in keeping you alive when the fucking plane crashes.

      • janecita

        They are way stronger than velcro though!

        • jowgajen

          New Velcro is pretty strong, but repeated use and debris will reduce its effectiveness. It’s a crappy material for repeated long-term use outdoors, like say on a popular water slide.

          • janecita

            Exactly, I’m sure that they don’t go around at this park, replacing these safety restrains all that often.

    • I dare you to escape from Velcro handcuffs.

  • The purpose of a business is to make money, the purpose of government is to make people safe from businesses to make money of the people (and other governments trying to take over). So why do Republicans keep trying to put businesses in charge of protecting people from businesses. It is as stupid as putting Charles in Charge.

    • theblackdog

      I see what you did there.

  • Vienna Woods

    Where the hell are the kittehs?

    • janecita

      Scroll down.

  • mardam422

    Yes, but at least he died free of those nasty regulations.

    • Señor Skwerl

      They would have killed him anyway.
      -Grover Norquist.

    • Jon Sussex

      The Libetty Tree is watered.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Well that is an awful tragedy I don’t wish on anyone but maybe, just maybe your kid being killed by your own philosophical malfeasance will drive this Republican to do some soul searching and he’ll be able to come to some sort of realization that allowing companies to do whatever they want is a terrible idea. I mean, the GOP isn’t exactly clamoring to let people do whatever they want by getting rid of cops and who runs companies? People.
    What a bunch of morally compromised douchepucks….

    • The Wanderer

      We are talking about a Republican here, don’t forget.

    • theblackdog

      Why create icky regulations when they can just not go to the park, warn their friends about it, and sue for some sweet, sweet cash for pain and suffering? That totally fits with the “free market” philosophy. If the park wants to stay open, they’ll make it safe themselves!

  • The Green Party responded by railing against unnatural chlorine in the water, probably.

    • peteywheats

      Let’s attack the Green party because our candidate is a center-right war monger and we want to keep pretending that she’s actually a liberal and if she loses, we can blame it on the left, rather than her own weakness as a candidate!!

      • jowgajen

        Let’s wander around the internet with our fact free screeds!

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          I love the “center-right” BS.

          SHE’S A WITCH!

          • kbbaldwin2

            And a criminal mastermind.

          • Bear OmNomNom

            And yet Petey wants us to effectively vote for the guy who’s turning into a Newt.

      • Please remember to get yourself and your children flu shots this year.

        • peteywheats

          I do immunize my children, Jill recommends immunization, everybody should immunize, but it doesn’t mean that we should not demand that vaccines are safe. Again, in all the replies, nobody has rebutted my assertion that all of this anti-Jill bullshit is just because you are (rightly) reflexively afraid that your unpopular neocon candidate will lose to a moron.

          • NellCote71

            I believe Spotts has already asked you to leave. Buh-bye.

      • The Wanderer

        Yes, fine, let’s support a candidate who backs pseudoscience and letting kids die of wholly preventable diseases, with a running mate whose rhetorical style I haven’t heard since the last time I read Pravda.

      • Spotts1701

        Okay, time to go.

      • sw19womble

        No, let’s attack the (US) Green Party because Jill Stein is a fucking tinfoil loonie.
        NB I support and vote Green in the UK and Canada, so don’t start.

        • parkii

          The Greens in the UK and Canada have an anti-Semitism problem, I’m not sure they’re so much better than ours.

      • Serai 1
      • anwisok

        Really? THIS is the thread to troll on? Really? Flagged. Hope you meet Dok soon, asshole.

        • peteywheats

          I was responding to the anti-green troll. Check the thread.

        • peteywheats

          I didn’t call anybody a bad name, I’ve met Dok and I don’t think it’s kosher to call people ‘asshole’ on here.

          • anwisok

            You’re right, I probably shouldn’t have done that. I will retract it.

      • Bear OmNomNom

        War monger? She wasn’t the one leaping around like an overcaffeinated preteen at the prospect of being able to use nukes, somewhere anywhere, for somereason anyreason.

        • peteywheats

          Trump is an unacceptable monster, but Hillary is only acceptable by comparison to Trump. That sucks.

  • Fartknocker

    This is a sad but preventable event. But, from a historical perspective, when I was growing up I always preferred Aquarena Springs over Schlitterbahn in New Braunfels because nothing is better than a day swimming around with Ralph the Swimming Pig.

    • Kristin Peters

      I went there as a kid!!

    • Aaaaaaand new bucket list item.

  • Stein Olsen

    Local media has revealed the water slide had not been inspected by the state since it opened two years ago. Well shit! Ain’t that just fucking wonderful.

  • The Wanderer

    Yeah, I saw this on the NBC Nooz last night. It’s horrific, and I’m very sad for the parents. But this place apparently had its opening postponed for years while they slowed it down (video showed it routinely sending rafts flying off the slide and into the concrete) and added a few safety nets.
    A textbook example of the need for safety inspections.

  • sw19womble

    This is why I don’t do fairground rides.
    That, and the fact that I shit myself on even the smallest ferris wheel.

    • I remember screaming and bawling so much on a fairground “rollercoaster” (basically a track with 6-foot hills) that they actually stopped the thing to let me off. I’d defend myself by mentioning I was a little kid, but I’m pretty sure I was the oldest kid on that ride.

  • Blank Ron

    When any child dies it’s awful. (It’s more than awful but I am not good at words this afternoon.)
    But to die while having fun with the family? At an amusement park? That’s God-fucking-around-with-Job-to-prove-a-point awful.

  • SisterArtemis

    Horrible story made worse by irresponsible public management driven by profit making. Jeebus Mary and Joseph! What the fuck do you people NOT understand about how community works?

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Brownback is being strongly considered for a Trump administration’s Secretary of Public Safety. The guy that runs Smiling Sid’s Funtime Chainsaw and Broken Glass Emporium bides his time

  • Courser

    Trust me, I have seen my share of amusement park rides and have enjoyed most of them. When I saw that fucking nightmare of a ‘ride’ last evening, I was really horrified. Who the living fuck gets on something like that?!?!?!

    Well yeah, THEN they said Kansas and the thing is a German word…

    I’m so sorry for his parents, no snark.

    • chortlingdingo

      The original Schlitterbahn in south Texas is a pretty great water park. It’s been a while since I’ve gone, but I’m like 99% sure it doesn’t have a ride like that one in the KS park. Also, I recall the people manning the rides actually turning away people who didn’t meet the height requirements, so maybe for once, Texas is actually better about these things?

      Side note: the Schlitterbahn here cycles water from the Comal river, which is abnormally cold and clear for being a south TX river. Very refreshing during the (near) half a year when temps are consistently above 100.

      • BPPolitics

        Nothing abnormal about the cool and clear water in central Texas rivers… most people take great care to keep them nice and clean because that is better for revenue from the recreational activities they offer.

  • Serai 1

    Drowning is usually a much longer death than being decapitated, so NO. Being decapitated is NOT worse than drowning.

    • chicken thief

      I read that drowning, after the initial panic, is a very peaceful way to die. Slitting the veins in your thighs in a tub of warm water also too is a peaceful way to go. Once you get past the pain in your thighs, that is….

      • Serai 1

        I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would STOP panicking as I drowned. Getting your lungs filled with water against your will is hardly a peaceful experience.

    • beingreleased

      We could answer this question by conducting surveys on people who have died and asking them to rate their experience.

      • Jon Sussex

        Yelpers have been strangely silent about this.

  • Lets hope the Republican parents don’t bring one of those “Frivolous Abusive Lawsuits” against the Waterpark, thereby driving up the costs f tickets for all the hard working Americans.

    • Lambsendbeds

      That won’t be possible. Tort reform in Kans-ASS means that the maximum awarded in a lawsuit is capped at $250,000. That’s not going to make the Waterpark blink.

  • Wow, this is worse than “Accident Park” (everything in this short documentary is true–I grew up near there, and I don’t think they went far enough in their coverage). http://mashable.com/2013/08/28/action-park/#X2ec5ESubSqa

  • calliecallie

    I saw this on the news last night and actually had nightmares about it. I am so very sorry for this family and that little boy. What a horror!

  • AngryKatie

    This is my why I don’t understand Libertarians. I know several, and they’re decent intelligent people.

    They don’t seem to get that there are plenty of businesses that do the cost/benefit analysis of injured kid to paying visitor to decide whether or not their terrifying death plunge is a good idea.

    If the free hand of the market were entirely unfettered we’d all be squashed like bugs. If the water and/or air didn’t kill us first.

    • Duke

      Or aren’t even that careful and just create things that may hurt people. Once people are hurt then other people can avoid that product.

      The gaping holes in this logic are that all people get all information and that the end, financial punishment is sufficient.

      Prevention, that is “regulation,” is more effective and stops people from being hurt. Lots of people have forgotten what was done before FDA regulation.

      • beingreleased

        “The gaping holes in this logic are that all people get all information”

        Of course, forcing companies to give you the information you need to make an informed decision would be a burdensome regulation.

    • If you feel like hurting your brain, try to figure out how the libertarian style free market self corrects an industry like gun manufacturing that straight up murders potential customers when its products function as designed

      • BPPolitics

        Even in a libertarian dominated society it would still be against the law to murder someone, what does the gun industry have to do with that?

        • If we take it as a given–as most libertarians do–that laws designed to prevent criminal trafficking of firearms do nothing to limit their availability on the black market, it follows that the firearms manufacturers include profits from illegal sales in their business model. The libertarian model assumes a negative impact on sales if a product causes harm or damage to life and property. As it turns out, horrible mass shootings only spur greater sales of firearms. Nor is it reasonable to assume that laws against murder are any more effective than laws against guns.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        If it’s an actual murder, dimwits are encouraged to buy guns to “protect themselves”. The more murders, the more guns, and the more guns out there, the more murders. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
        As for the dolts who kill themselves, well . . . they already bought the gun.

    • Beowoof14

      My theory is libertarians are akin to cats, they think they’re independent, but totally dependent on others to survive.

      • AngryKatie

        That’s a tiny bit insulting to cats.
        I have a former stray that did fine surviving on his own. He decided the accommodations were better (particularly drier) if he accepted a more structured living situation, so he adopted us.

        He’d be plenty sad if he had to return to the hustle, but he’d survive. I’m pretty sure if I locked a libertarian out of the house for a few days I wouldn’t return to find they’d built a den under someone’s deck and taken up killing the neighborhood fauna for food.

        *Please note, I can’t get the mental image of a cold, wet, hungry Gary Johnson wandering around my back yard, yowling and occasionally pawing at the door, out of my mind now.

        • Beowoof14

          And yet a feral Gary Johnson is what would happen with other people.

    • BPPolitics

      They probably wanted to include a “Must Weigh This Much to Ride” warning but got shot down by the liberal PC police being insensitive or offensive.

      • Justno

        That never happens. It’s a liability issue. The underwriter could be any political party and it would still be a huge issue.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Most of them are all for “tort reform” – which actually prevents the “invisible hand” from operating properly. Go figure.

  • The Daily Mail ripping up the American theme park industry, and specifically going after Disney, is really interesting. Orlando has a yooooge ex-pat Brit community–to the point that a US-printed version of Daily Mail is sold at 7-11 in ORL. Hurm.

    • RecreationalPilot

      Disney and Koch Industries ships their profits to Luxembourg, using Earnst & Young, to dodge US taxes… resulting in a tax levy of only 0.75%.

  • redarmyzombie


    Well Wonkers, I just woke up, and am going back to bed…

  • Jenny

    My babies are 10. Oy those places offer a sense of security but read the fine print and oops not responsible for anything.

    I got stuck at the peak of the Titan at six flags over texas, as an adult. That was terrifying and enough for me. That and the “investigating” bit from the state, and stark reality that you’re paying money to ride on shit maintained by your meth addict neighbor. Do I want to spend a 100 dollars for this?? No.

  • mancityfooty .

    I don’t think it was a full on decapitation. The news is saying “neck injuries”.
    Initial reports and eyewitnesses said that after determining death, they covered him with a sheet. I think if it was as gruesome as the Fail says, there would have been a little bit more cover.

    • mancityfooty .

      Also, it’s in Wyandotte county. One of the only two counties that can be counted on to be blue in Kansas.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      The BBC reported ‘head injuries’, and said that the local authorities had denied ‘decapitation’. I know who I would believe.

      • baileylamb

        It’s decapitation. The pictures of the pool filled w/blood were broadcasted.

        • LA Julian

          Blood was reported in the US media even before they admitted decapitation.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Sever a jugular vein, and you’ll get quarts of blood in no time. It sounds like that’s what happened here.

  • NorthLeft

    This will be marked down as one of those totally unpossible to forsee events by the Kansas authorities.The ride designers and water park owners have suffered enough, no doubt. Holding them legally responsible [and admitting our/Kansas’ negligence and liability as well] would be unfair.
    I am sorry for the minority of Kansans who have to live in this right wing lab experiment, though not voting for it.

  • Wee Mousie

    For the victim, decapitation is a faster, less painful death than drowning. For the bystanders, though, drowning looks a lot less grisly.

  • Bernarda Alba

    Unfortunately as you’ve evidently discovered the British tabloids are the best source of the goriest details of breaking news.

    Between this and the dirtiness of the water, I hope you never take our precious Donna Rose to a water park.

  • chicken thief

    No need for regulations, thoughts and prayers are what the family needs right now.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Fortunately, Republican legislators have seen to it that the National Thoughts & Prayers Strategic Reserve is 100% stocked.

  • chicken thief

    Has Jeb! released his ‘stuff happens’ comment yet?

  • Jason Freeman

    What exactly is the point of maintaining high profits at the cost of CHILDREN’S lives? After all, if that were my child, they might as well rename it to: Jason’s Big-Ass Waterpark Where We Don’t Allow Kids to Die Inc. Fucking asshats.

    • zerosumgame0005

      but…but…but PROFITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Incoming Ham

    The Fail tends to exaggerate things and to just plain make shit up, but even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Either way, I feel for his family.

    Isis does down people. Cages full.

  • Iam Reading

    See libtards, now we gotta ban slides.!!11!!!eleven!! Buncha damn slide grabbers.

    • NellCote71

      Not to worry. The Donald promises to halt all regulations of everything.

      • A_Guy_In_Oregon

        now that you say it that way, how do we know this actually happened? Maybe it’s just another fake story so Obama government overreach can take all our amusement rides.

  • whitroth

    Damn lib’ruls, they wanna regulate *everythin’*…. (Of course, that statement is followed by, “Here, hold my beer and watch this….”)

  • Sunnyinwyoming

    I wish the reproductive rights movement had as powerful of lobbyists as the amusement park industry :(

  • boredcatlady

    Every hour or so I’m thankful I don’t live in Kansas anymore.

    • lurch394

      And I’m sure your cats thank you, too.

  • Mavenmaven

    If he were carrying a gun it would have been different.

  • Me not sure

    Schlitterbahn is German for….

  • anon_the_great

    It’s a Darwin Award machine

    • Shan the Libtart

      Only if it had been one of the “designers” killed. Or one of the anti-regulation lobbyists. Not that poor boy.

      • Halfton81

        Shitty thing is that the boy’s dad is one of the stereotypical anti-regulation GOPers who was probably all for the tax breaks and other various deals that brought Schlitterbahn to KCK.

        • Shan the Libtart

          Yeah. More crying or more kittens…neither makes any of it better.

  • Jennaratrix

    I drive by this monstrosity every day on the way to work, and every time even before this incident I think “No way in HELL I would get on that thing.” Because it’s so damn flat in Kansas you can see the thing for miles and its the tallest thing in your sightline. It doesn’t even look like a ride, it looks like a grain elevator or some other piece of industrial equipment. Nope. NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE.

    And also too, fuck Kansas. Even though I live in Missouri. It’s not much better, but I’ll take every little bit I can get.

    And also also too, because I work in Kansas, even though I live in Missouri I have to pay Kansas income tax. And I have no say in how those tax dollars are spent. Which I thought was pretty much the definition of “taxation without representation.” And obviously Kansas doesn’t bother with them there safety reg’lations and gubmint nonsense. So, yay Kansas, take my money, PLEASE.

    I want to go back east.

    • BlueMonkey

      In Nebraska, we’re fond of saying “at least we’re not Kansas” – it’s the only thing that keeps me going some days.

      • Shan the Libtart

        We in Kansas say that about Oklahoma. But that’s probably because they’re closer than Texas.

        • Justno

          We in Texas say that about Oklahoma.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            “We’re in a race to the bottom – and we’re losing! Yay us!”

          • Justno

            Pretty much.

      • Jennaratrix

        Same thing I say about living in Missouri. And Omaha is very nice. :)

    • BPPolitics

      Nobody is forcing you to earn income in a state where you do not live, find a job in Missouri if you want or move to Kansas if you would prefer.

      • Jennaratrix

        Yes, thank you for that piece of advice. I would never have thought of that on my own, and it was so helpful, too!

        Oh, I’m sorry, that was my sarcasm coming through. No, technically no one is forcing me to work in the state next door, but that’s where the job in my field is. I won’t move to Kansas because it fucking sucks, and it’s bad enough I have to work there. I get that it seems like an easy problem to solve, but it’s more complicated than just picking up and moving or finding another job. If you don’t currently live on a border and are not dealing with this issue yourself, you should consider that you might not have all the information necessary to effectively comment on it. Especially since comments aren’t allowed.

        • lurch394

          You have my sympathy. I lived in KCK, Lawrence, and KCMO, with jobs at various times on either side of the state line. I moved to Missouri as soon as I could, and not just because my then-job was in the Show Me State. It appears Kansas sucks even more since I left the area in 1997.

          • Jennaratrix

            Thank you. One of these days I’ll get back to New England, just need to convince the husband unit. But now I feel bad for partially hijacking the non-comments to whine about my insignificant little problem in a story about a dead child, so yeah, moving on.

      • PhattElvis

        You sound like Donald Trump, Jr. That’s a bad, bad thing.

  • Cranky Man

    When Alfonso de Borbon y de Dampierre, the Duke of Cadiz, cut under the closure ropes and was snagged by a banner wire rope, the initial press release described it as a neck injury. Turned out the neck lost. The poor ski patrol personnel had to dig up the red snow and replace it with snow from the adjacent forest. Don’t know why this popped into my head, oh yeah, now I remember, I had to help guard the scene of the accident until the FBI could clear it.

  • zerosumgame0005

    and being complete dicks the NRA is dancing with joy it wasn’t a gun this time…OMFG we have some really fucking NASTY people here in America. That poor kid :(

    • Bear OmNomNom

      Jesus God. Please let that be snark and not actual news.

      • zerosumgame0005

        your typing to the FSM’s ears

        • Bear OmNomNom

          He’s part corn, too?

  • BlueMonkey

    jesus christ. my kids and husband have been down that thing (luckily kids were older). this is fucking terrifying. fuck you, kansas.

  • HazooToo

    This is just horrible. I’m sorry. Regulations exist to prevent this kind of thing. I wish this didn’t have to happen before they realized it.

    • A_Guy_In_Oregon

      they realize it. but this kind of thing is rare, and profit is so much more important. Kapitalizm rulez

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Jesus wept…………….

  • Mahousu

    The CPSC used to be able to regulate amusement park rides, but Congress, in its infinite wisdom, took this power away in the early Reagan era. Thank goodness they got the government bureaucrats out of the way. Out of the way of the flying children, that is.

    • PhattElvis

      You mean, out of the way of the flying children’s heads.

  • brittany

    Well that settles that.
    No US amusement park vacations in my future!

  • Beowoof14

    Safety regulations, who needs that shit, just sacrifice some people till they get sued and go out of business.

  • Bear OmNomNom

    Sanctity of life… until the Profit tell ye otherwise.

  • smr06va

    Wow. Just. Wow.

  • Tina in Spokane WA

    Yes it does make a difference. True story. I had an uncle that I never really knew. He died when I was very young. I didn’t know until I was an adult that he was decapitated in the workplace accident that killed him. His mother was never told. He went from being an uncle who died tragically to an uncle who haunts my dreams.

  • Serai 1

    How about some kitty pr0n to lighten the mood?

  • Flodurn

    Kansas. Literally the WORST of everything. Such a tragedy.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      They should make that their official state slogan, and put it on their license plates.

  • Lambsendbeds

    Just to make matters worse (?), Kansas has legislated tort reform so that the most a plaintiff can be awarded in a lawsuit is…wait for it…$250,000.

    • dansezlajavanaise

      ah, shit, you’re right, but i just can’t upvote. it’s too awful.

    • CATMAN

      The Republicans say “tort reform” will liberate the economy and bring unprecedented growth–just think what it will do to stimulate the funeral industry

  • bbayliss

    wasamaatawitksnsas?

  • Grant Saw

    So did anyone look into whether lawmaker father railed against regulation?

  • D S

    What has been vastly under-reported was that this was literally bribe-a-politician day at the water park where the park was giving illegal donations to politicians that day by feeding them and letting their families in for free so politicians could each receive hundreds of dollars in gifts that day (the legal limit is $40, which would basically just cover entry-only for the politician, not food or their whole family). If the father hadn’t of taken the bribe, his son would still be alive. However, this bribery to try and keep politicians from regulating them may have severely backfired.

    • Ranina

      Thank you! I noticed that as well – and have been waiting to hear/see these dots connected on some other media!

    • zanzibar_buckbuck_mcfate

      Devil’s advocate here, but don’t parks often offer organizations that kind of discount day? I remember going to a waterpark with my friend’s family because her Mom’s hospital employer had a special day. Similarly, we take my daughters to a minor league baseball game because my husband’s employer gets a discount/special day rate. I agree it’s suspicious that the limit is violated, but I’m not sure this constitutes bribery, or how an elected politician has influence over the regulation of a park, which seems like something that would be completely separate (e.g. some kind of licensing organization that establishes standards for safety, kind of like accrediting organizations for zoos and universities).

      • D S

        Discounts for non-politicians or those who are non-regulators are common and entirely above-board, but there is specific regulations for accepting gifts if you’re an elected politician and a local business is something that would definitely fall within that category. Politicians can say what is regulated and how it’s regulated, which is precisely why a business would want to grease the palms of politicians in order to avoid expensive regulatory oversight and Kansas has some of weakest regulation of amusement parks in the country (which was why Kansas was chosen by the business owners). Now state Senator David Haley is proposing tighter regulation, which is exactly what this business was trying to avoid and the motive for their illegal bribes.

        • zanzibar_buckbuck_mcfate

          That’s just disgusting.

  • zanzibar_buckbuck_mcfate

    What a horrifying nightmare. I keep thinking of the family just waiting at the bottom for their son to get done with this crazy slide and then seeing his body fly — and all the blood. I think my mind would break.

  • The Librarian

    ???????

  • YayConspiracy

    The other day I read that archeological finds in Greece indicate that human sacrifices were common in Greece. I wonder if future archeologists will find that human sacrifices, on the altar of deregulation, were practiced in the US as well?

  • chimpevil

    Not even the Wonkette zebra-lion hybrid could soften the blow of this horrible story. I feel the pain of the family, made even sharper by the fact that this could and should have been prevented. Thoughts and prayers are lovely, but some damn common sense safety regulations would be nice as well.

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