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This is the Independence Beer Garden, where we had our Wonk meet-up!
This is the Independence Beer Garden, where we had our Wonk meet-up!

Did your Wonkette get to Philly safely? Did we endure the personal hell that is Pennsyltucky Best Western “motels” and stuff? YES! And we are all up inside Philly now, except for how we aren’t there at all. We are at Fort Dix, the joint Army/Navy/Air Force/Sparkle Motion base in New Jersey. Our friend Thom — you know Thom and his husband Ijpe, the gay marriage plaintiffs better known as Bonkers and Yip-Yap, yeah? — has informed us there are several parts of the base, and we are specifically on the “Dix” part because HAW HAW HAW that’s where we always are, buncha queers that we are.

But we WERE in Philly on Sunday, for a Wonka-drinky-donky thing, and it was very nice! We went to the Independence Beer Garden! Would you like to see some pictures of all the stuff and things?

Here is some Bernie Or Bust Volkswagen at one of those weirdo turnpike service areas in Pennsylvania:

sanders

And here is a guy in Philly, who is selling very “funny condoms.” They are FIVE DOLLARS for one “funny condom,” and that’s kind of ‘spensive, isn’t it? Especially when Planned Parenthood was handing out condoms with #TrumpFacts on them for NO DOLLARS in Cleveland? Meh, whatever, if your boner needs to get wrapped and you are in Philly, buy one with a Trump slogan on it, for your penis. FIVE DOLLARS.

condoms

condoms2

Did you know Philadelphia has many “murals” that feature “art”? This is a true thing, and they are very beautiful. Here, feast your eyes on some murals:

murals

murals2

OK you are probably wanting to know about the Drinky Thing with the Wonky Things (you people), so here are some pics of that.

There was Wonker “Craig,” playing the Jenga:

wonk1

There were Brent (sp?) and Laurie (sp?) viewing the Jenga from the other side:

wonk2

There was Thom! He is our sidekick for part of this week, and he is looking very stern and #SeriousFace right here. (He has a website where he sells art! It is right here!)

wonk3

There was this amazing toy that Wonker “Chris” brought for our dog Lula, who is back in Memphis, having probably completely forgotten who we are at this point. (As always, if you are in these pictures and are a commenter, SPEAK UP and identify yourself with your Wonket name!)

wonk4

Here is the whole table, at least at one point. There is also a Maureen and a Matt in this picture! All good parties have at least one of each of those things.

wonk5

And this is a selfie of yr Wonkette with Chris, the one who brought the present for Lula Dog. It is a very good selfie of both of us!

wonk6

BY THE WAY, our mom wanted us to tell you all that it is very sweet to bring gifts for Lula Dog, but mama notes that she just turned 67-many-years-old on Saturday, and none of you would even GET to read our half-drunk ramblings if she hadn’t birthed us, so PLZ SHOWER HER WITH GIFTS TOO. She notes that she is not choosy, just likes presents.

Anyway, we will be back in Philly Monday for revelry and parties and axing Nancy Pelosi if she wants to gossip with us, but for now we are at Fort “Dix,” watching Parker Posey movies, because obviously that is what you do. (Did we mention we are writing this Sunday night? That, sugarlumps, is the magic of the internet!)

We’ll bring you a XXX NSFW update, as soon as we have one.

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  • bubbuhh

    Hope Wonket iz usin condoms. U dont no wher Philly haz bin.

  • Msgr_Moment

    We’ll bring you a XXX NSFW update, as soon as we have one.

    No Trump, please. We’ve got our xHamster.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Unless you’re a North Carolina Wonketeer.

  • elviouslyqueer
    • bubbuhh

      Sadly, nun in Pennsyltucky or Pennsylvania yet. Hard 2 make dick joke stretch 2 Iowa.

  • Wow, things have changed! As I recall from my time at Fort Dix, it was mostly hot, sandy, and lots of scrub brush. Which we were supposed to do things like dig foxholes, pitch tents, and shoot at stuff when we weren’t being yelled at a lot.

    • bubbuhh

      Wuz dey pup tents?

  • Sakonyachen

    Fort Dix huh? Don’t lie to us. We know you went there for the rewritten Dick Joke. Efficient use of time I might add.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    So your sex partner is all “Wait, are there words on your condom?” And you’re all yeah, it says “feel the burn ha ha ha!”

    • Lizzietish81

      Being sensitive to latex, I do feel the burn.

      • bubbuhh

        FYI Know a wimmen wif similar problem.
        TROJAN™ Supra™ BARESKIN™ Lubricated Condoms are America’s thinnest, non-latex* condoms – recommended for latex sensitive people.

        Available most any place

        • Celtic_Gnome

          My roommate sells them. She just bought a McLaren.

  • Spurning Beer

    In today’s dispatches from Philadelphia, please make sure to include the following terms: cheesesteak; Liberty Bell (“crack” optional); Bill Cosby; Sylvester Stallone; Declaration of Independence; cream cheese; and brotherly love.

    • LesBontemps

      Soft pretzel with mustard libel!

    • Spotts1701

      That’s gonna be one funny sentence once assembled.

    • bubbuhh

      All U asked 4 can B used in one dick joke.
      Psst Crack not optional.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “I used to be on that list. Those were the days.”
      — The Philly Phanatic

    • wurman

      Also, too, please use fake fonetic spelling to honor the missing “dark L” from local lingo: as per . . . A diwwer a dawwer a ten o’clock skowwer got to Phiwwy way after noon.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    (As always, if you are in these pictures and are a commenter, SPEAK UP and identify yourself with your Wonket name!)

    Didn’t escape my notice that this is in the caption under the picture of cute Wonketeer operative “Chris.”

    • Msgr_Moment

      Today we are all “Chris”.

    • chicken thief

      Chris may be in the Illuminati also too, so will likely deny both.

  • bubbuhh

    Em in meetin, borin meetin, playin hooky, pretendin to look stuff up on tablet. Other bored meetin guy jus whispered that an introsechshuall iz guy hoo can stick dick up own ass (dont ask how we got to this point in the whisperins). Izzat true? If iz I’d almost B willin 2 pay to C that even tho not of the ghey myself cuz like seein someone light own fartz. Skeevy but WOW impressiv.

  • Señor Skwerl King

    XXX NSFW update, as soon as we have one.

    There has to be a “working tween” and a port-a-john nearby. You got the condoms. We’ll give you fourteen minutes…

    And GO!

    • elviouslyqueer

      Fourteen? Only if nine minutes of that involves cigarette smoking.

  • arglebargle

    The horse and buggy made it all the way to Philly yesterday! That is me (Brent) and Mrs. Bargle (Lori). We did not see the expensive condoms, but we did get a couple of packs of Bernie rolling papers. For friends. Yes, those are glasses and pitchers of water on the table. It was HOT, and the temps were in the upper 90’s, also too. We had beer too so shut up.

    And you weren’t the only one with a camera, Evan…

    • Lizzietish81

      Uh oh, someone is going to get an anonymous letter asking for money

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khXJqedYRpw

    • elviouslyqueer

      It was HOT, and the temps were in the upper 90’s, also too.

      Oh, y’all Yankees are so cute when you bitch about the “heat,” bless your hearts. Amateurs.

      • Astraea

        Just you wait until winter!!

    • Mpeg

      I have that Lizzie Warren T-shirt. As a fellow furbaby owner I have to attest the shirt material is the worst.animal-hair-magnet.EVER.

    • Little Lulu

      It was over 100 degrees for 90 days in Austin when I…oh, never mind. I’m just envious that y’all got to meet Evan. And vice versa.

    • Little Lulu

      And Evan’s so handsome!

  • Arse Grammatica

    Didja buy some nice Dow chemicals?

    • Panika MCD

      Dow just has corporate offices up there now. all the chemicals are manufactured in TX. there’s a fun fight over senior water rights regarding their expansion.

      • Robin

        Dow still has a few plants around the US don’t they? Or are you just talking about magnesium production?

        • Panika MCD

          oh no, mostly petrochemical products.

          • Robin

            Ah gotcha, they still make a bunch of plastics precursors in michigan, but that’s really a legacy plant now. It’s been a few years since i’ve kept track of Dow, I wonder if their Sarnia operations are still running.

    • Robin

      I used to live in midland, mi. I’ve got a few ounces of their chemicals coursing through my body still if you need anything.

  • Rick Hill

    Seeing actual Wonketters is a little of a disappointment. I’d have thought that masters of the internets(C’mon. Anyone who can post comments on a site that doesn’t allow them?) aren’t more fearsome looking.

    • Lizzietish81

      Apparently I was exactly as people pictured me.

      • Pickwicknext

        I don’t know how people picture me. I assume as an extict bird.

        • DinkyBossetti

          Then I am a beautiful still life photo with beer.

        • Jonny On Maui

          With a maple leaf tattoo…

      • Rick Hill

        Considering I can’t picture anything other than the manic avatar….I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

        • Lizzietish81

          I’m not blonde

          • Msgr_Moment

            C’mon. We need moar info. Goattee?

          • Rick Hill

            But the clinched cig and the manic look, that’s all you

      • gene108

        You were at the drinky thing? I was at the drinky thing (though came late), so not in pictures :-(

        I am bad with names and faces, sorry for not remembering.

        • Lizzietish81

          The New York one

      • Querolous

        Aren’t we all?

    • Panika MCD

      they have masks on.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Wonkers always look more fearsome in their natural state: in their underwear, faces lit up by screen glow. :-)

      • Rick Hill

        Fearsome and worrisome are two different things, no? And, underwear? I’m doing it wrong

      • nothingisamiss

        I know I do.

    • Robin

      We’re always more intimidating, hunched over a laptop with the lights off, chasing cheap bourbon with fiery hot cheetos.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Wait’ll they get a load of me.

  • Crystalclear12

    Of course, the condoms were free for RNC. Less Republicans helps us all.

    • elviouslyqueer

      If Cleveland Craigslist was to be believed, the condoms weren’t just for extramarital babby prevention.

      • Crystalclear12

        Whatever do you mean, as you now Republican sex is only for reproductive purposes. Oh, I wonder when the first sex scandal breaks. Are we running a pool on that yet?

        • Querolous

          Log Cabin Repubs make log dog houses for a hobby?

          • Crystalclear12

            That must be it.

      • Spurning Beer

        For Prevention of Disease Only
        Ribbed for His or Her Pleasure

        • Msgr_Moment

          Yeah. Cuz goats always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I’m trying to fight it but ᶠᵉʷᵉʳ ᴿᵉᵖᵘᵇᶫᶦᶜᵃᶰˢ

      Sorry, it slipped out.

      • Spurning Beer

        That’s what he she they said.

      • Crystalclear12

        Grammar does not count on Mondays.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I’m concerned that there might be an unwanted baby gap between the parties.

    • calliecallie

      Secret plot by Planned Parenthood.

  • Panika MCD

    do I have old campaign signs in my sexxx palace? yes. do I want to see the faces of any of those people and/or a presidenshul candy-date while I’m having my very own candy-date? no. that’s just gross.

  • memzilla

    Second Prize: Two weeks in Philadelphia. (h/t W.C. Fields)

    • wurman

      Deathbed Fields: “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Authentic Philly beer is always ‘with Whiz'”
    — The media

    “We got you covered.”
    — Budweiser

    • elviouslyqueer

      Because America, natch.

    • The Wanderer

      Budweiser: another fine product of the Pisswater Beer Works, Pisswater, Coloryming.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Stihl Sanders–A Revolution in woodworking.

  • Panika MCD

    also too: if you find breakfast tacos, let Ryan Poppe (fellow sitter at the back of txlege hearings with yours truly) from Texas Public Radio know for is looking for some that occur outside the TX delegation breakfasts. he’s fun.

    • Biff52

      Breakfast taco bowls? That’s racist!

      • Panika MCD

        also too: messy. the whole point of a breakfast taco is that you can eat it while driving without mowing down any school children.

  • BREAKING NEWS!

    Pledge-iarism at DNC Convention!

    “If Trump gets elected it’s not our fault!”
    BernieBro 2016

    “If Bush gets elected it;s not our fault!”
    Nader ‘Green Party’ Voter 2000

    Coincidence HMMMMMMMMMMM?!?

    • A lot of Hillzbots really need to give Bernie cred for the fact that he’s NOT going to be the new Nader, or even the new John Anderson (REMEMBER HIM?!?) He’s getting so much shit from the ‘Bros (mostly former Paultards) who are now calling him a shill bending over for the DNC dildo, when he was the new Che Guevara a month ago.

  • Pickwicknext

    And there will be a Canadian Wonkette drinky thing when? I’m assuming in December when we take you all in as refugees

    • Crystalclear12

      Harsh.

      • Pickwicknext

        Just like winter

        • proudgrampa

          Can I haz some poutine?

    • Panika MCD

      as long as it’s not in Quebec.

      • jmk

        Pourquoi non?

        • Panika MCD

          parce que les Québécois sont des abruti.

          • jmk

            Je n’y suis jamais allé, donc je ne sais pas.

          • Panika MCD

            we had some Quebecois hockey players and study abroad students at UAF–they’re assholes.

    • The Librarian

      On Cape Breton, where they’re offering to take us?http://cbiftrumpwins.com/#intro

    • Robin

      I’ll have EU citizenship to offer soon, but I get the feeling it’ll be all the pundits on the Trump train who will need access to europe.

  • The Wanderer

    Nice to see you made it! Don’t get arrested for fondling the Liberty Bell’s crack!

  • A Philly native friend just pointed out a swanky looking cafe on teevee and said “That used to be a bar where we’d to go to get quick blowjobs!”

    Ah, nostalgia…

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Funny Condoms” is a winning idea. We all know American men love to have their erections laughed at.

    • Jonny On Maui

      And pointing. Don’t forget the pointing while laughing…

  • bookish
  • Msgr_Moment

    Party?! Hah! It’s more like a Demoncrat Orgy.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Those are some good-lookin’ Wonketeers right there!

  • Biff52

    Please tell me you’re not suggesting we buy your Mom Trump condoms for her birthday, because that would be kinda ew.

  • edith prickly

    You are a handsome devil, Evan. My offer of being your Canadian opposite-wife still stands. (you can still be gay, you just get to live here when you want and let me see the funny things you write before the rest of the Wonketariat…)

  • Oblios_Cap

    I don’t see why anyone would have a problem wearing a “Feel the Bern” condom.

    • Panika MCD

      how does one adequately feel the bern without an STD?

      • Shan the Libtart

        UTIs and cystitis.

      • Robin

        Well if the bernie condom is working as designed, it’ll fail on the first use, but the guy will continue to try and use it for months afterwards, ignoring all the disgusting side effects.

        • jmk

          THIS.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        “Do it” very fast.

      • Smokahontas

        Carpet bern.

      • JohnC44

        Concentrated capsaicin extract.

    • Jennifer R

      It’s got that warming lubricant.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Too bad Jeb! Couldn’t fix it! Or else it would be taking up rack space with the equally dubious prophylactic slogan: “Please Clap.”

  • Callyson

    Planned Parenthood was handing out condoms with #TrumpFacts on them for NO DOLLARS in Cleveland

    Well played…

  • bupkus23

    One has to ask – is that Wawa duck for Lula squeaky?

    • gene108

      Goose. Wawa is a goose. And Wawa is everywhere (thank goodness).

      • Citizen Sissy

        And Wawa coffee is the happy magical elixir of the mid-Atlantic region.

        • Apple Scruff

          I’m moving to Jersey before the end of year and am trying to find a town that is accessible to NYC AND Wawa.

          • JohnC44

            You neednt worry about access to NYC…that is a trivial issue. Basically the only consideration, before even housing is finding optimal positioning relative to Wawa. Live in a tent if you must.

            I mean come on: Italian Hoagie at 3AM vs Warmth, Safety, and being Dry. Yeah thats what I thought. Don’t forget the chips.

          • Apple Scruff

            IT’S HOAGIE FEST THIS MONTH ALSO TOO!

        • JohnC44

          It is damn good anytime coffee. Simple as that. To tell you how many thousands of cups I’ve bought since I moved to South Jersey in ’05 would be kind of embarassing. Put it this way…when I wasn’t a useless unemployed loser sulking in depression and had a function in life, my coffee tab alone would run up around $50/week, or usually enough for a bonus reward. Given I’m one of many thousands of daily customers, I’m surprised Wawa hasn’t just paid cash to buyout every other competitor at once with what I like to believe is a preposterous, Scrooge McDuck like vault of gold coins and cartons of Marlboro Lights.

  • chicken thief

    Fort Dix is also too a gay bar in West Palm Beach, FL. Just a stones throw from Mar-a-Largo, but that’s prolly just a co-incidence.

  • Panika MCD

    you know what would make a great gift for Momma Hurst? parakeets. Glen Maxey in the TX delegation has about a hundred and we are all very worried.

  • malsperanza

    I’m curious to hear how the Dow Chemical artisanal small-batch beer tasted.

    • JohnC44

      Ah see if they hadnt slapped that name on it and left it Rohm and Haas, people would probably fall right for that.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Seems the rubberman is missing a marketing goldmine not having the time-lost Trumpence logo on his wares. It’s humorous and informative!

  • Skadi

    *cries because she was not there*

    • jmk

      *Cries with Skadi for the same reason*

  • HolidayinCambodia

    You coulda stayed with me. I live a lot closer than Fort Dix. But then, I didn’t email you when you asked, so there’s that.

    • DinkyBossetti

      Don’t worry; I’ve got him covered with a closer guest room. He just left my house to go into the city and it is POURING rain out there.

      • HolidayinCambodia

        It’s pouring here in Wilmington, now. They were telling protestors at WFC to stand under the highway to get out of the rain.

  • Apple Scruff

    I’m hoping to come down to the city Wed. Was going to today (Food Fest!) but man, I couldn’t bring myself to leave the air conditioning. Plus, the skies are about to open up.

    I hope the Bernie Bros have left town by then. Or melted.

  • Someone22222

    I like lesbians, they make the best porn!

  • RugzYaBurnt

    Sorta on topic: when I was nine I could balance an entire Jenga game on one block I held in my teeth. I’ve never re-attempted because I don’t want to spoil my perfect record!

  • JohnC44

    Whoa whoa whoa. You can’t give a Wawa goose toy to a dog! This cannot be tolerated! No one shall defile Wawa, purveyor of coffee, cigarettes, and sandwiches. Disrespecting The Goose is a very serious offense here in Southeast PA. Almost as serious as setting foot inside of a Sheetz for any reason. You don’t want to know what happens there.

  • Citizen Sissy

    Dogs are pure souls and superior beings, and, I submit, absolutely appropriate recipients of the goose.

    Off to the excellent Broad & Walnut Wawa for my late lunch hoagie.

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