SHARE
Let's see if we can do this like Gary does it.
Let’s see if we can do this like Gary does it.

Dame Peggy Noonan awakened from her mid-afternoon slumber, the one she treats herself to each day after enduring the commoners of Manhattan, as she stumbles home from her light three-martini lunch. She snapped her fingers in the air twice, three times, nine times, but none of her man-servants seemed to be available to click the clicker so she might observe the Republican convention, which was held in the foreign nation of “Cleveland.” Had Peggy heard of this place? She did not know, and reminded herself to remind herself to make a mental note to ask the delightful minorities at the neighborhood bodega the next time she lollygagged in.

She crawled across the floor toward the television, stopping by the elegant candy tray she keeps on the coffee table. “M&M’s and Percocet,” she thought to herself, awash with disappointment. “There was Ambien and Adderall in here last time, as I recall.” Peggy made another mental note, to remind herself to make a mental note to fire the housekeeper responsible for the family’s weekly drug run.

Arriving at the television box, she sucker-punched at buttons until the screen showed the Canadian man Ted Cruz speaking, and failing to endorse Donald Trump. She used to jolly well enjoy the showman Ted Cruz, whom she once referred to as akin to a “preacher in a midsize megachurch on a local TV station.” Ted Cruz has been using that on his business cards ever since, Peggy imagined.

But no more:

By the end of [Ted Cruz’s] tireless campaign for the nomination he was semi-endearing. Wednesday night he resurrected Snaky Ted. He spoke highly of freedom and went after President Obama. Sometimes he half-laughed after speaking a line, as if to say You know this is showbiz, right? It showed an unbecoming detachment.

Unbecoming! Uncouth! A saucy man, an embossed carbuncle, as loathsome as a toad! Peggy felt around her couch cushions for a secret stash of Lortabs, and she found them.

He told the audience not to stay home in November but vote for the right person, then forgot to say who that person might be.

If you can’t endorse, good for you and stay home. That isn’t politics, it’s basic human comportment. If someone you’re certain is awful invites you to a party, you politely decline. You don’t go, walk into the room, and punch your host in the head.

Peggy worried that she had lost her point. Was she saying that, without Ted Cruz spelling out who the Republicans at the Republican Convention were supposed to vote for, they might accidentally vote for the demonic she-beast Hillary Clinton? Peggy cocked her head to one side and made a mental note to look back at her old columns, her oeuvre, and see whether she had ever lost control of her argument before.

Mr. Cruz miscalculated, thinking if he snubbed Trump half the delegates would cheer. Instead almost all booed. He thought the media would laud his courage and integrity. They saw him as wounded and treated him as prey.

When his campaign ended in June, I attended a small dinner in his honor. Mr. Cruz was charming, modest and funny. When we said goodnight I told him I felt, in retrospect, that I hadn’t always been just to him and was glad I’d have a chance to be more generous in the future. Apparently I will need still more time. What a jerk.

Heavens to Murgatroyd, for Peggington once believed her relationship with Cruz was salvageable. Could she have been the one American woman able to rise above it all, who would not despise Ted Cruz? Apparently it was not meant to be. What a jerk!

As she had done so many times, and having had her sensibilities sore offended, Peggy approachedeth blissful slumber on a soft rug on the middle of the floor in her apartment … which room? She could not say. She made a mental note to Snapchat her man-servants and request a floor plan of her place, so that she might be able to find her way back to her writing desk when it was time to take her quill pen to paper, bringing forth sage musings on the heathen Ted Cruz swimming through her addled mind.

[Wall Street Journal]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Villago Delenda Est

    “Manuel, after you bring me the gin fizz, bring the switch for Rafael.”

    Also, keep in mind that this is the same woman who, when told of Mooselini’s selection as veep candidate, blurted out, unaware of the live mic, that the election was lost.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      It must have been one of her brief moments of sobriety.

      • revenant

        clarity- there are no reliable reports of her being sober for lo, these many years. but a drunk, inhibitions tossed, can sometimes see and speak a truth that would normally be too taboo to acknowledge

  • jmhm

    That’s awesome. She thinks Trump is the death of the Republican party, and of civility in general. Still, how unseemly to be rude.

    • Msgr_Moment

      That’s what happened in Germany. The entire country was just too polite to point out to carpet-munching Adi that maybe he should see an analyst.

      • jmhm

        I’m firmly convinced that’s how we ended with Roberts, how we ended up with Alio, and how we ended up in Iraq. And the usual suspects still feel the need to salt their deplorings of Trump with a sprinkle of how distasteful the left is…

      • kindness

        I think the world would be a much happier place if there was a lot more carpet munching. Just sayin’.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          Hear, hear.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Evan, good effort but Gary really is irreplaceable with that character. Newell’s Victorian ice-cunt was hilarious and irreplaceable as well. There has to be a new direction for Lady Peggington Nooningham of Perpetual Chemical Stupor Manor….

    Aye, a destination! Mercutio, bring of me mine sextant for I shall carve upon this world a destiny wrought from the heroes of olde! When men did not betook of smirch upon the stately mane of one Donald J. Trump, lorde of gold!

    That was my attempt at Byronic writing…

    • FlownOver

      Methinks Byrony will survive somehow. :-)

    • Mpeg

      “Chemical stupor” effect worked well for me seeing her reaching for the floor rug. It evokes Laura Palmer’s mom in her drugged stupor dragging herself across the floor only more funny and less darkly subversive~

  • nightmoth

    Actually, if someone I knew to be awful insulted my significant other, then invited me to a party expecting me to suck up to him, I most certainly would punch him.

  • Lizzietish81

    Damnit, this makes me respect Ted more. Because he said “Vote your Conscience” and people are pissed off that he didn’t say Vote Trump, so they’re implying that voting for Trump is not voting their conscience.

    It’s wonderfully clever.

    And it makes me feel gross to give that compliment to Ted.

  • stankbait

    I would stay away from the peanuts on her candy tray. She sucked the chocolate off them.

    • The Wanderer

      Um, those aren’t peanuts.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        And it wasn’t chocolate.

        • stankbait

          Elvis died on the toilet. Last words. “Huh Corn”

  • Lefty Frizzell

    To add to the “was Ted being noble or just the usual dick?” debate – on reflection I think it was neither – just simple necessity. The way the primaries ended he’d painted himself into a corner where his career would be over, no credibility left at all, if he didn’t take a swing.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      It’s the best way for him to remain viable to unseat Hildog in 2020. “See? I fucking TOLD you so.”

  • Scooby

    So, she also thinks vote your conscience means dont vote for Tump.

  • Hutch

    “…unbecoming detachment?!?” Welp, there goes the elderly spinster English teacher vote.

  • Joe Beese

    I’m picturing an alternate history in which, during the celebratory dinner, an inebriated Cruz, smelling of Scotch, cornered Noonan in a side room and crudely squeezed her ass – receiving a stinging slap across the face for his impertinence.

    Some column that would have made!

    • Hutch

      I understand that she wields a mean hat pin!

    • frrolfe

      Surely you mean punch?

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Alpaca’s Goldwater Republican mom (GRM?) loooooves Peggy Noonan. She actually once said she aspires to be Peggy Noonan. I suspect it’s not wildly OT to mention here that my therapist once told me that it’s a miracle I turned out as sane and well-adjusted as I have.
    Maybe I should start a separate account dedicated to “shit my mom says”. It could be a hoot, but I’d have to make very clear that I was channeling her to satirize the cray-cray, lest I get banhammered.

    • Lizzietish81

      Weird, my therapist says that to me too

      • alpacapunchbowl

        When I came across Wonkette, I knew I had found my people! Praise Cheezus.

      • FlownOver

        Mine, OTOH, hears my tales of Kansas in the sixties (which happened, in fact, in the fifties everywhere else) and says “No wonder you’re barking mad.”

        • Lizzietish81

          “‘Just go out and bang some dude’ is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include ‘I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good,’ and ‘Jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you.'”

          http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=809

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Wellllll…never say never. A friend of mine in college was seeing a shrink who read his chakras and told him to go out and bang some chicks to make sure he was really gay. Fortunately we talked him into firing her.

        • (((JustPixelz)))

          “Barking mad” is 309.9 in the DSM-V

      • SadDemInTex

        Mine, too

      • Gayer Than Thou

        The most mine will say is “Well, given where you began, let’s not get too ambitious, mental-health-wise…”

    • limberrat

      I thankfully don’t have a therapist, but my mom be crazy as well.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Listen, if you’re going to satire a character you’d better go YOOGE. Don’t be weak- pathetic. You’ve got to be a LAW. AND. ORDER. CAND-DI-DATE. Believe me. This I can tell you.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Well that settles it, I’m out! I could never hope to reach the heights you have scaled, HA.

      • Oblios_Cap

        That’s YOOOOGE!!!!

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Maybe Ted Cruz is more of a worthy adversary than anyone thought- he let off a giant stink bomb at the RNC and they are still coming to terms with it. Also, I love how saying “vote your conscience” to Trumpkins means something other than “vote Trump” and they alternate between outrage and dismissal which is totally fake. This is so backfiring on Trumpy…

    • Rick Hill

      It would have been even sweeter if he had added “Vote for Gary Johnson”

    • ViveLaRes

      This. In retrospect I think the booing of “vote your conscience” might be one of the most significant tells of this entire scampaign.

    • Skadi

      He’s a bad guy, but a bad guy with a tiny bit of spine, which is more than most politicians of his party have. He’s gambling that Trump is going to lose, and lose big, and staking (at a minimum) his career on that.

    • revenant

      joke’s on him- nobody in that audience has a conscience

  • dslindc

    I’ve been wondering what Sister Peggy Noonhamptonshiretonvillefield of Our Lady of the Halcion Haze has been up to.

    Manuel really needs to get that carrier pigeon fixed to get her dispatches to the outside world.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Carrier pigeons seem a little too hipster-y for our Dowager Countess.

      • Hutch

        *whispering behind a fan* Manuel told me that Dame Peg employs only leotard-clad couriers to deliver her vellum scrolls to her editor. Her wax imprint is a martini glass! *arches eyebrow and fans self with alacrity*

        • alpacapunchbowl

          LOL

  • Shoto

    Friggin HighLarious! Bravo!

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    “When we said goodnight I told him I felt, in retrospect, that I hadn’t always been just to him and was glad I’d have a chance to be more generous in the future.”

    She admits that she fucked up her “punditry” but she’d fix it by fucking up some more in the future.

  • Joe Beese

    O/T: Like taking off a tight girdle after a long evening at the opera, Donald relaxed into his natural form of speaking this morning. In this clip, he discourses on how he didn’t actually say Cruz’s father shot JFK, but you know…

    Watch the expression of Vice Toady Pence in the background.

    http://www.snappytv.com/tc/2422393

    • limberrat

      The National Enquirer has credibility???

      • chicken thief

        Compared to Trump – yes.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      You just know that is what he wanted to say last night.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Enquirers gonna enquire.

    • ViveLaRes

      Priceless. I had to watch with the sound off, but around 1:15 Pence seems to lose his tenuous hold on whatever happy place he had gone to.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      What did I do?… I just pointed it out

      Translation: I didn’t start the fire, I just supplied enough fuel to it so that it burned down the neighbor’s house.
      That is some Grade-A compartmentalizing.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    Let me get the old “wingnut to English” translator out:

    “When his campaign ended in June, I attended a small dinner in his honor. Mr. Cruz was charming, modest and funny.”

    I drink waaaay too fucking much, and I really need to check myself into the Betty Ford Center.

    “When we said goodnight I told him I felt, in retrospect, that I hadn’t always been just to him and was glad I’d have a chance to be more generous in the future. Apparently I will need still more time.”

    I really wish I’d been nicer to Hitler back when I was hanging with him. He did love animals and music, and law and order. All in all, not a bad guy.

    “What a jerk.”

    I really am a dumbass who is worthy of ridicule.

    • revenant

      please step to front stage for your bow

  • Msgr_Moment

    but none of her man-servants seemed to be available to click the clicker

    I think you mean “pluck her magic twanger, Froggy!”

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    M&Ms and Percocet

    Wonket is truly the best recipe hub on the internet.

    • Lizzietish81

      Whatever you do do not mix M&Ms with Skittles.

      The S&M joke is not worth it.

    • dslindc

      “I didn’t have M&Ms or Percocet so I substituted meth and skittles and I ended up banging my head against the wall for three days. This recipe is terrible.”

    • OddMan

      The hot drug for fighters in Syria is Captagon. It supposedly makes one strong, brave, and not feel pain.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    If “Friday’s with Peggy” is going to make a comeback I know how you can write the character, Evan- sort of a cross between some upper East End patrician and Scarlett O’Hara.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And East End patrician would have more class and Scarlett O’Hara more brains.

      She reminds me more of a hooker who married an Earl and after acquiring ever-so-refeened Upper Class manners discovered that he was just some lowlife jerk named Earl.

  • Tallmutha

    Those of us who don’t subscribe to the Wall Street Journal haven’t heard from Pegz for a while. How is she taking the whole Trump thing? I can’t quite imagine him coming up to her standards for couth. Is she telling her readers to give the ruffian a wide berth, or proving herself to be an even cheaper date than Bill Kristol and George Will?

    • CATMAN

      I read her column in the WSJ but it is so incoherent it’s hard to tell what her position is. Last one I remember she was concerned that there were no “geniuses” coming to save the world

  • Mr. Blobfish

    scribble scribble Don’t punch host in face,got it scribble scribble

    • weejee

      Use a Tonya Tapper™ for some gentile kneecapping instead?

  • Steven M. Harries

    Peggy, darling, Mister Cruz would also enjoy having his balls pin-pricked whilst you bend over and let him stick a thick volume of Reagan speeches in the place where the sun doesn’t shine.
    Don’t worry, he’s short on cash, but he have some Puerto Rican rum for your fix.

  • Mpeg

    I think Pegs is confused about who she’s supposed to be pandering to.

    • Paganish

      Pandas, natch! XP

  • Oblios_Cap

    Embossed Carbuncles make the Baby Jesus cry. Or so I’m told.

  • JoeChristmas

    What strange Ambien and gin laden bedfellows politics makes.

  • BREAKING NEWS! HEEEEE’S BACK!

    After being all presidential and shit by not dropping his pants and calling Ted Cruz a motherfucker on TV on Thursday, the old Trump was back Friday doing just that:

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/trump-rehashes-ted-cruz-fights

    • limberrat

      Less than 24 hours later…at least he’s unable to contain the crazy.

      • Shoto

        This is actually good news in the sense that orange man-baby can’t contain the crazy. Here’s hoping his handlers (such as they are) won’t be able to throttle him back for the next 3 1/2 months.

        • Daisy

          Handlers, babysitters, tomato, tomahto.

        • limberrat

          They haven’t yet and they won’t in the future!

    • Steven M. Harries

      Like Joe Hill, he was never gone . . .

    • OddMan

      O My Dog! He is going full throttle:
      “Again, I don’t want his endorsement,” he said. “If he gives it, I will not accept it. Just so you understand. If he gives it — I will not accept it.”
      Trump also said that the National Enquirer, which published the bizarre and totally unsubstantiated story about Rafael Cruz and Oswald, should win a Pulitzer Prize.

      He is amazingly thin skinned and unhinged.

      • chicken thief

        So his numbers will go up in Real ‘Merika?

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Yet he won’t refuse David Duke’s endorsement?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Hillz’ people are taking notes.

    • HanBarbara

      Who’s still waiting for that “pivot”?

      • BMW

        There is no “pivot,” only Zuul.

        • Land Shark

          “There is no Zuul, only Donald.”

  • Snopes Shop

    I’m in Europe and there are gunmen running around Munich shooting people. I am at my breaking point.

    • Hutch

      Try to stay safe!

    • tehbaddr

      See gun control doesn’t work, wake up sheeple!

  • Treg.Brown

    Brilliantly written Evan. Thanks.

  • Indiepalin

    This lady knew Ronald Reagan and Reagan is backing Trump so where does Cruz get off anyways?

    • Zombie Regan will give you jellybeans!

      • weejee

        Mixed with Oxycontin™?

    • JohnBull

      I don’t think we need to imagine how Ted Cruz gets off.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Dirty pillows.

    • jmhm

      She didn’t know Reagan. She knew her direct report, Pat Buchanan, who she thinks is a lovely, supportive gentleman.

  • Msgr_Moment

    I think I know this Dame Noonington. She’s one of the characters on “Another Period”, right?

    • Steven M. Harries

      Yes. She played the tampon.

      • revenant

        do you bow it, or strum it?

        • Cindyinencinitas

          When will we again be treated to the soulful musings of Peggington and her Strings of Longing?

  • Shibusa

    I can’t get past ‘Mr. Cruz was charming, modest and funny.’

    • CarolinaStewPie

      Seriously? What the actual FUCK, Dame Noonington. She needs much stronger drugs. Here’s Lucifer Lyin’ Ted at his charmiest.

      • Joe Beese

        ONE vote! TWO votes!

        • Count Awesome

          As if…

        • alpacapunchbowl

          AH AH AAAH!

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        The best tweet I saw the other day described Cruz like a vampire who was fed only on mayonnaise packets.

      • puipui

        COUNT VON COUNT LIBEL!

    • chicken thief

      If you drink enough…. ? I suppose…. ?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      “And his face only melted off one time, and once it was poured back into place, it congealed in a most rapid and genial way!”

  • SK

    Gary Legum is dead. Long live Evan Hurst!

  • whitroth

    Just to get even with you for the report, try to get this out of your head: maybe she’s the one who ought to give it to him?

    mark, who needs to go home for a stiff drink….

  • beavertank

    She was a guest commentator on PBS’s stream of the RNC at one point.

    I legitimately yelled at my computer screen when she appeared.

  • OddMan

    Thanks Evan,
    I do like these wonderful little snark bombs you drop on Dame Noonington. I hope you have as much fun writing them as we do reading them.

  • Joshua Norton

    Dame Peggatha receiving guests on her “At Home” day:
    .

  • Much as I loathe everything else that he stands for, Ted Cruz showed a fucking spine. If you think someone is an asshole who is unqualified to be President, and you spend your campaign saying that, you don’t pivot and become that asshole’s gimp just because a slavering mob of mouth breathers will be angry if you don’t.

    • Tallmutha

      Unless you’re an odious little fink, right Marco?

      • Or Chris Christie…

        • revenant

          an odious big fink, in his case

    • mackafritz

      Of course Cruz is an asshole who is unqualified to be President, too. But he really wanted the job.

    • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

      But, but, but…it’s the Republican WAY!!

  • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

    This is all well and good, but am I the only one who would like to know what thoughts Cesar, Peggy’s friend at the deli, expressed as he was wrapping her pastrami and shaved ham?

  • Those drug/candy combinations sound great, but I’ll go with Archer’s “Mike and Vics.” (Vicodin and Mike & Ikes)

  • Vecchiojohn

    Off with his head!

  • Toadette

    I really get the sense that her medicine cabinet would make for a slammin’ 8th grade basement party.

    • Count Awesome

      Maybe it’s because she is as mature and reasonable as an eighth grader.

    • DemmeFatale

      Does she keep Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill in there?

  • A fine Gary impression, Evan, well done!

  • fawkedifiknow

    How dare that Canuck be so politically incorrect at the celebration of a man who prides himself most notably for political incorrectness?

  • bubbuhh

    She might could get together with the Trumpettes. They could start a girl group. Mebbe, call it Snooti and the Ho Fish.

    • Count Awesome

      The “No-Nos” might make more sense.

      • therblig

        The “Why Won’t They Runaways”?

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          “Insane Trump Posse”?

  • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

    Lunchtime Peggy!

  • hendenburg2

    OT, but not surprising at all:

    Melania’s speechwriter who took the fall for Monday’s plagiarism is/was probably a paid employee of the Trump Organization, not the Trump Campaign. If so, this would be yet another instance of Trump campaign finance fraud.

    http://jezebel.com/shockingly-this-democratic-pac-and-melania-and-donald-1784079033

    • ViveLaRes

      One of the comments over there is “His campaign is literally clown shoes.” For some irrational reason that is the funniest thing I’ve seen all day.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Clown shoe libel.

    • jmhm

      We can be pretty sure ‘she’ doesn’t work for the campaign. What we don’t know is if ‘she’ exists. The only public record of her other than this is on his books, and given who his cronies are (Roger Stone and Ed Klein spring to mind) Ms McIver could be the Alan Smithee of ghostwriting.

    • subatomic

      What about soliciting foreign governments for campaign contributions? Last time I checked there were laws against that.

  • jmk

    Dear Peggington Noonington,
    I am loath to defend one of the world’s most appalling individuals, and far be it from me to discommode you by allowing the cold breath of fact to attempt to penetrate your gin-soaked haze, but the party of which you speak (in your strikingly unoriginal metaphor) was not Donnie’s to invite people to attend.

    RejecTED, as little as I like taking his side, has been an active member of that party for far longer than Mr. von Clownstick has even noticed its existence, and had a perfect right to express his own opinions at this gathering.

    To put it another way, RejecTED and others worked to put the party of your metaphor together, and are well within their rights to be angry that Fuckface von Clownstick is taking credit for it and eating all the snacks.

    So I regret to inform you, my lady harridan, that you are, once again, wrong.

    All the best!

    jmk.

    • jmhm

      Not to mention that a great many Republicans, including a number of active delegates, voted to put Cruz on that stage. Unlike, say, that astronaut lady, who didn’t endorse either, despite the fact that Trump didn’t accuse her daddy of being an assassin and her wife of being a dog.

      Also, thumbs up for dicommode.

      • revenant

        don’t forget that he hinted verrry broadly that she was not only ugly but adulterous. so defeaTed is supposed to pretend it never happened?

        and just imagine their positions were reversed- anybody who thinks Drumpf would put aside amour propre for the sake of party, especially given a spate of low personal attacks, is out of his tiny mind

        • jmhm

          I think Katrina Pierson probably told him a lot of campaign gossip and his lawyers told him he couldn’t use it.

      • John McCarthy

        The Wayne Mad-sen guy, claiming to be a Naval Investigator in some former life, is the author of the article with the photo of Oswald and Ted’s daddy having coffee, in the National Inquire rag. Trump is not the originator, just the commenter but MEDIA insists the fault is Trump. Truth is FREE!!!!! Media sucks.

        • jmhm

          I think Occam’s razor suggests that this, like the story about Cruz’ mistresses, is a Trump campaign special.

    • DemmeFatale

      Pegs sounds a little out of sorts.
      Maybe her lumbago is acting up.
      A touch of the rhumatiz?
      The sugar diabeetus?

      • revenant

        a quartan ague

        • DemmeFatale

          Ice, (and a frozen Margarita), will help.

          • John McCarthy

            Diarrhea deodorizer would be nice, the dame has crapped her pants again.

          • DemmeFatale

            Pants?!
            Heaven forfend!
            Try loosening her corset!

            (Funny post.)

          • John McCarthy

            That’s OK, all will be well when the swelling goes down.

      • Grizz1y

        Perhaps the vapors, a miasma, or even hysteria.

        • DemmeFatale

          Fetch the smelling salts!

        • MrCanoehead

          Did you know the electric vibrator was invented to treat hysteria,

  • ClarkJoe

    That entire shit show of a convention and this is the thing that has her upper lip trembling?

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      But, but, he broke his OATH!

  • jmhm

    You know who else thought there was unseemliness?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      zomg that was pretty damn good lol

    • revenant

      that Austin cop’s superiors (the cop who shot the therapist the other day)

      • jmhm

        I really hope so.

    • Gregory Brown

      That takes some doing.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    She is loathesome but I like how she took down Roger Ailes with that lawsuit.

  • chicken thief

    And then she peed herself. Because bladder control is such a bother.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Bladder control is only for the common people.

  • timpundit

    One of the reasons I fell in love with Yr Wonkette was Layne’s “Peggy Noonen Saw A Mexican”. I’ll giggle like a fool everytime I think of that headline long after I am dead.

  • BMW

    Savor.

  • Malmborg Implano

    “Comportment”! Sherman, set the Wayback Machine to 1912.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    ‘Ts, forsooth, sore hard to follow or even descry from an distance the broken, substance-alterèd ramblings of the Dowager Countess Noonanshire, howsoe’er, I shall peradventure give it a yeoman’s effort:

    Yon Lady, once plighted, nonnelike, to the Court of Sir Ronnie, can ne’er face reality and so must e’er find a Mordred who threatens the peerless white castle of her belovèd party grand and old, lest she acknowledge her own complicity in its descente into madnesse and suckerdome.

    Once finding such an one, she has at him with the full force of her attenuated, yet still rewarded with coin of the realm by l’empire Murdoch, eloquence against whosoe’er currently offends her easily-unjointed nose. In this case, Sieur Cruz, in whom she only recently found a humility that none has observèd aforetime.

    Hence her taking up of the lance to strive valiantly for the Count of Failed Casinos.

    In plain English, she has spent her whole life shilling for shitheels and she’s stuck with it.

    • revenant

      well done!

    • Gregory Brown

      English major?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Yup, you called that one, a BA in Vow of Poverty.

        • Gregory Brown

          Moi aussi. I put it to work in newspapers for 32 years, reporter, then editor. Never got rich, and got laid off in 2010 amid the general recession and the lingering death of newspapers.

          • jen

            Ha ha. Yo tambien. I became a probation officer, and my reports were a thing of beauty.

          • Gregory Brown

            Way to go, officer.

  • beatbort

    With enough Percocet, Ambian, Adderal and gin inside me, I guess I too would find Ted Cruz charming, modest and funny.
    Does this not tell you everything you need to know about “The Club” in America?
    As George Carlin put it, “It’s a big club and we ain’t in it.”

  • Debbies are like snowflakes

    I would have paid good money to see Cruz punch Trump in the head.

  • Me not sure

    ” I SAID, DO IT BY THE BOOK, MANUEL!! “

    • Goposaur

      this one knows

  • frrolfe

    Thank you Evan, You have earned your place in Heaven. (Hey, that sorta rhymes!!!!!! Ghazi also too)

  • CATMAN

    “enduring the commoners of Manhattan”–she manages that by consuming multiple Manhattans from her on-site bartender

  • chascates

    And she thanks Heaven Ronald Reagan, a man of actual character, is no longer alive to see how sullied his party has become.

    • Iam Reading

      Asserts facts not in evidence. He played characters, but did he really have character?

  • Aquaria

    To Peg’s credit, that constant Tanqueray guzzling has preserved her well.

  • Swampgas_Man

    I’ll play Debbil’s Advocate and say whatever RNC stooge allowed Ted to go on stage without a clear Affirmative on Trump deserves a good whuppin’, and will probably get it, too.

    • I Only Like Cats

      Honestly I’m pretty sure Trump himself was involved in approving that

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        Bread and circuses strategy. This mild drama has people, especially media types, talking about Trump. It’s attention economy strategy, where they are fighting for those in the center’s vote. The idea is if they can’t be won on obvious policy differences, then they’ll be won by keeping their attention.

    • Aquaria

      IIRC my Republican tropes, what was said doesn’t matter. It’s the fact he was there that they’ll latch onto. The Republicans are about the visual. They don’t care about what’s actually said–and even if they do, they promptly forget when it suits them.

      And it will suit them to forget whatever Cruz said.

    • Goposaur

      personally, I would’ve put one of those invisible fence collars with a panic button on his scrotus.

      just on general principles

    • bbayliss

      Trump had the speech for three days prior.
      This is WWE style contrivance designed to make Cruz the villain and trump the hero.

  • Paperless Tiger

    If she thinks Ted would pass up a chance to grudge-fuck Donald on live TV, she just doesn’t know Ted.

  • phoenix00
  • Kathy Taus

    I’ve missed Dame Noonington

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      Work on your aim.

  • foreplinger

    When one invites a hand grenade wrapped in barbed wire, lodged in a rabid mongrel’s colon to your event, one should expect some…blowback.

    • Enfant Terrible

      I was thinking of Ted Cruz as an annoyed bombardier beetle, but I like your imagery much, much more.

  • Parchment Scroll

    Darn it, Lyin’ Ted, did nobody teach you that you leave with the one that brung ya, even if he is a no good racist shitbag who will drag you down into the abyss with him like the monster in a horror movie only all too real?

  • janecita

    Where is Manuel???

  • Johnnymoreno

    Peggy was so dismayed, that she and Mary Matlin had to console each other by spitting raw grain-alcohol into eachothers mouths, until they blacked out into sweet, sweet oblivion…

    • Michael Rappaport

      It brought back such fond memories of boarding school, when young Peggitha was called upon to comfort schoolmates who had failed tests, lost boyfriends or been rebuffed in their crushes on favorite teachers. She would climb into their bunks with them, hold them to her heaving bosom and comfort them until they stopped crying.

  • mary5920

    Peggy has gone downhill ever since she swiped that “thousand points of light” phrase for H.W. to use, and Dana Carvey put it to bed. She does need to rest on her laurels and get over to A.A.

  • Lamashtar

    About that “just showbiz” point: the next day Cruz met with the Texas delegates to explain himself. When Cruz complained about the personal attacks on his family, one of them said, “Its just politics!” Then you hear about Republicans being really nice in person contradicting their official politics. I can only conclude that the new breed of Republicans really think nothing they say is important–it is all politics, a nothing to wrestle over in some platonic ideal land where nothing has consequences.

  • diane surette

    She hadn’t always been just to him. That’s funny

  • bbayliss

    Because only an Islamic terrorist would suggest voting your conscience.

Previous articleMeghan McCain Wishes RNC Hadn’t Given Hillary That Sexxxy Tongue Bath
Next articleTexas School District Will Out Trans Students To Parents For Their Own Good, Even If That’s Bad