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Oh for joy! It is the first day of the Republican National Convention, and boy are we excited! Today’s theme is “Make America SAFE Again”! And naturally, this lineup consists primarily of people who have been on reality television at one point or another, plus some people who were in the military, and a few others who were contenders for Trump’s Veep slot but lost to Mike Pence.

We shall now tell you about these speakers, and what they likely bring to the safety table.

Headliners!

Melania Trump — Trump’s wife, a former model, whom we imagine will be discussing catwalk safety, or something.

giphy (5)

Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn — Gen. Flynn was one of the people Trump was considering for VP, but apparently he didn’t hate gays or women who have abortions enough or something. Also he thinks that a really good way to keep us safe is by pissing off other countries by not observing their customs when traveling to them.

Screen Shot 2016-07-18 at 10.20.54 AM

Sen. Joni Ernst, R-Iowa — Ernst will deliver a speech on how to not get kicked in the face by a hog during a castrating procedure. Of the seven women scheduled to speak tonight (out of 27 people), she is the only one who is there due to her own personal accomplishments and not those of a dude she is related to or married to. NICE!

Rep. Ryan Zinke, R-Mont — Zinke, who is by the way NOT the secret father of the Wonkette babby, is a former Navy Seal who likes to refer to himself as “Commander” on his House web page. One time he ran for speaker of the House after having served only 10 months in Congress, mostly to get to email people to give him moneys. Perhaps he will be speaking on how to keep Americans safe from Nigerian Princes with similar schemes?

And the rest!

Willie Robertson of Duck Dynasty — Let us hope that this means that Willie’s dad Phil Robertson is, in fact, going to get to live his dream of being Trump’s spiritual advisor! He will, we suppose, be talking about hunting safety and Jesus?

Scott Baio — Scott Baio is used to keeping people safe, by being in charge of their days and their nights, and also their wrongs and their rights. Also he’s a huge douchebag now. (Link to Scott Baio Has a Picture of a Black Guy in His Wallet is mandated by law every time we talk about Scott Baio.) OH, and he had a reality show called “Scott Baio is 45… And Single” in which he had to go around apologizing to women he was terrible to.

Antonio Sabato, Jr. — When was the last time you even remembered that Antonio Sabato, Jr. had ever been a thing? I, personally, cannot recall. He was the star of “My Antonio,” a reality show in which ladies competed to date him, as well as “Dancing With the Stars” and “Celebrity Circus” and “Celebrity Wife Swap” and “But Can They Sing?” OH! He is also the celebrity spokesperson for a thing called “AnastasiaDate.” Which sadly is not a dating service for Romanov impostors, but more of a mail-order bride kind of thing.

Sean Duffy — As a former “Real World Boston” cast member, one could say that Duffy really paved the way for reality stars looking to get into politics. He shall teach you how to keep safe when people stop being polite and start getting real.

Rachel Campos-Duffy — Also a former Real World cast member, whom you will recall was the worst and also made out with Puck. Ew. I don’t know, maybe she will talk about how it is unsafe to stick your dirty hands in someone else’s peanut butter?

Rudy Giuliani — Apparently no former Jersey Shore cast members were able to speak, so they got this dude. Will likely discuss how to keep the country safe by being as horrible to homeless people as humanly possible.

Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala — Sessions was considered a contender for the VP slot, but now he isn’t even a headliner. SAD!

The list also includes:

former Texas Gov. Rick Perry; Marcus Luttrell, retired U.S. Navy SEAL; Pat Smith, mother of Sean Smith, killed in the 2012 attacks in Benghazi, Libya; Mark “Oz” Geist, member of a security team that fought in Benghazi; John Tiegen, member of Benghazi security team and co-author of the book “13 Hours,” an account of the attacks; Kent Terry and Kelly Terry-Willis, siblings of Brian Terry, a Border Patrol agent whose shooting death revealed the botched “Fast and Furious” gun-smuggling operation; Mary Ann Mendoza, Sabine Durden and Jamiel Shaw, immigration reform advocates; Rep. Michael McCaul, R-Texas; David Clarke, [batshit crazy!] sheriff of Milwaukee County; Darryl Glenn, Senate candidate in Colorado; Sen. Tom Cotton, R-Ark.; Karen Vaughn, mother of a U.S. Navy SEAL killed in Afghanistan; and Jason Beardsley of Concerned Veterans for America.

I am actually a little disappointed. They couldn’t get a single Kardashian? Or even a Real Housewife? What about that God Warrior lady from “Trading Spouses?” I bet she would have been into it!

Or Duggars! HOW ARE THERE NO DUGGARS?

ANYHOO! All the fun starts at 8PM (ET) and you can join yr Wonkette here for… well, something. We haven’t decided yet! But it will be good and fun and you will like it!

[Chicago Tribune]

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  • Rick Hill

    So Party of Lincoln. Much proud. Such dignity….

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Much fucked.

      • Rick Hill

        We all are…

    • deanbooth

      Turn out the lights… The party’s over…

      • frrolfe

        Shoot out the lights!

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    Don’t go live blogging the RNC, Wonkette; you’ll put your eye out.

  • SmokinGood
  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Good thing Charles is not in charge.

    Firefly 2016! Re-engreaten Freedonia!

  • Jenny

    No Duggars because Trump is the wrong type of hypocrite.

  • I’m still really hoping zombie Teddy Roosevelt will show up, take the podium, and tear them all a new one.

    I’d say he should eat their brains (with votes) too, but there won’t be a brain in the entire building for the next four days.

    • Lizzietish81

      Teddy Roosevelt has a time machine, no need to bring in necromancy

  • Joe Beese

    Ernst will deliver a speech on how to not get kicked in the face by a hog during a castrating procedure.

    Trump could have used that knowledge before accepting the Christie endorsement.

  • Msmlg1979

    Sweet Jesus..I’m relieved I wasn’t the person responsible for safeguarding the sacred binder containing the hallowed names of these speakers. These are the greatest minds of our time!

    • Poe’s Law

      Meh…Binders they may be, but they’re not full of women.

      • Msmlg1979

        Why would they be? This isn’t a beauty pageant lineup or mail-order bride catalog! This is political. That’s for men.

        • Poe’s Law

          Don’t see any men in them binders neither and too

  • Lizzietish81

    I feel like this should open with a number, like the Sonny and Cher show.

  • beingreleased

    Chuck Klosterman on the celebrity nature of The Real World stars: “They’re the kind of celebrity that gets recognized in Burger King, but they’re also the kind of celebrity who’s eating at Burger King.”

  • jmhm

    I would like to have been a fly on the wall when General Flynn explained to that nice Mr. Adelson how ladies covering their hair for religious reasons is unamerican.

    • lucidamente

      And then asked him how much he loved Jesus.

      • jmhm

        and for all of me, gladiator movies.

  • The Wanderer

    A yoooge bunch of might-have-beens, never-weres, and also-rans, with a few completely fucking crazy people to spice it up.

  • Spotts1701

    Whoever got the liquor concession for this convention is gonna make a killing. I can’t imagine listening to any of these people while sober.

    • BadKitty904

      And as for the corndog concession…

  • Vincent Ricola

    Oh the glamour! How will the paparazzi get through the breathless fans surrounding Scott Baio to get their pictures of Duck Dynasty guy?! I wonder who Antonio will be wearing?!

  • Lizzietish81

    The Great Sideshow of Political Theater

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATI1_0E_oTc

    • The Wanderer

      It’s the Klu Klux Klowns!

    • (((JustPixelz)))

      Sword swallowing! The snake lady! Swinging Betty! I’ll be in my bunk. NO WAIT! I’m running away to join the circus.

  • Indiepalin

    Is Scott Baio the one who gets to yell at the empty chair this time?

    • sw19womble

      Scott Baio gets to be the empty chair this time.

  • edith prickly

    SCOTT BAIO??? Bahahahahahaha! Was Stephen Baldwin too busy?

  • borninatrailer

    What a shitshow.

    “…like Yakov Smirnoff opening for Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair kind of shit show.

    • The Wanderer

      Iowa State – the high school After high school!

    • Spotts1701

      Worst Comic-Con ever, more like.

    • Grizz1y

      I gotta say I would much rather see that than the convention.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      I met Yakov in the 80’s at the Anatole Hotel in Dallas. He was performing for a trade group and I was working for the in house AV company. The trade group didn’t book a microphone for his performance so I got called in at the last minute to set things up for them. Yakov was really rude to me and complained about how he was being treated the entire time I was setting things up. He made me angry enough that I sat in the sound booth and screwed with the sound levels in the ballroom the entire time he performed. I considered it a kindness to the audience that they did not hear half of his “act”.

      Ask me about Wilford Brimley singing Tiny Bubbles sometime.

      • Poe’s Law

        Always amazes me when people are rude to someone who’s trying to fix their problem

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Me too. And Yakov’s problems went deep.

  • proudgrampa

    Who ARE these people, FFS?

    • Spotts1701

      They’re basically who you can get when the candidate you’re supposed to be celebrating is more radioactive than Chernobyl. And the funny thing is, Trump wanted more “entertainment” personalities and the RNC had to explain that there had to be some politicians involved in a political convention.

    • Alan

      Thanks, thought I was the only one.

      • Zyxomma

        Well, I do know who Rick (Oops!) Perry is, but that’s because I read Juanita Jean’s.

  • Nounverb911

    Colbert got the Republican Hunger games off to a rousing start last night.

    https://twitter.com/VanityFair/status/755031943419486208

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I thought tonight was Benghazi night? This is gonna be great.

    • Ima Witstüp

      Well, grating anyway.

  • Nounverb911

    Hey, how was the Cleveland drinky thing? Did you survive?

  • calliecallie

    When Jodi Ernst is the most accomplished woman you can find to put on stage, you’re in trouble. Was Michele Bachman not available?

    • Alan

      She couldn’t find her way there. Cleveland is a far away land.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      Oohhh, I just LOVE Saint Paul Pork Products. In fact, I love them so much… I *work here* now!

  • I don’t understand why Scott Baio is speaking. How can Donnie and Charles both be in Charge?

    • Joe Beese

      He threatened Trump with his telekinetic powers.

      • The Wanderer

        Upvote for a “Zapped!” reference.

        • With Joni Ernst there, we can have the best finale to Joni Loves Chachi ever, when she castrates him (with votes?)

    • Msmlg1979

      Haha!

    • I think they wanted Dougie Houser but somehow Neil Patrick Harris was too busy laughing

  • calliecallie

    No Duggars today because the theme is “Make America Safe Again.” Duggars will be present for the theme day “Make America Pregnant Again.”

    • Nounverb911

      Brisdull Palin Libelz!

      • sw19womble

        She’s giving the keyhote address for Let’s Pretend America Is Safe

    • Not to mention, no woman is truly safe when Josh is around.

  • bubbuhh

    Don’t think can stand so much The Trump phlegmor all at one time.

  • Joe Beese
    • Jenny

      They’ll put that up during his entrance so people will know who he is.

    • No, but Donald, Donald Jr., and Eric will be. I’ll get the brain bleach.

      • (((JustPixelz)))

        Bullshit. They’ll be wearing their Trump Youth imported line of business suits.

        • Bear OmNomNom

          By Hyuuuuuge-o Boss!

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      He’s being interviewed now on MSNBC — fucking moron — his stupidity is a boner killer.

  • spends2much

    Tune in tonight, to hear more about how Donny Short Fingers will protect America by killing/deporting all brown people. You know, just like Lincoln would do if he were alive today.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I luv hearing him say he’s the law and order candidate every chance he gets, like he’s hit on a real winner.

      • BadKitty904

        Hey, old jokes are the best jokes. Except when they’re Republican legislators…

      • Shoto

        Apocalypse Nixon Redux

  • BadKitty904

    Impressive! Other than well-known transvestite (not that’s there’s anything wrong with that) Rudi Gooey, I don’t recognize a single one of those names! And just look at the enthusiastic throng mobbing the entrance of the Convention center in the photo above!

  • borninatrailer

    Wait a tick… where’s Wendy Davis?

  • freakishlystrong

    Sooooooo, just another shit sandwich Konservative Konfab. Hate, hate, fear, infantile nicknames, hate, hate, we have no leadership, hate, fear, Gawd and babby Jesus. No solutions or ideas. More hate.

    • willi0000000

      can’t have all that without guns!

  • Jenny

    This is like Pawnee’s celebrity gala. No Little Sebastian impersonators?

    • Blackest Noobs

      No Little Sebastian impersonators?

      nah, that’s Donald but without the yoooooge penis.

  • dslindc

    I hope Tom Cotton will be sharing his secrets on letter writing!

  • freakishlystrong

    Great, Ameriduh’s mayor, who was mayor during the worst terr’ist disaster on American soil is a keynote on “Keeping America Safe”.

    • therblig

      no squeegees were crashed into buildings.

    • jmhm

      …and then the second emergency command bunker burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the third emergency command bunker…

    • Zyxomma

      Giuliani proved best at keeping himself safe. He had the heads of NYPD and the fire department among his personal guard on 9/11. Real piece of work, that one.

  • BadKitty904

    It’s a Triumph of the Pill, I tells ya!

  • cousin itt

    I’m looking forward to Trump Tower Taco Twosday.

    • Jamoche

      Bring out the Kragle!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …wow, I’m actually impressed that Honey Boo-Boo, Farah Abraham and Flava Flave weren’t on the speakers list!!! HOW PRESIDENTIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • freakishlystrong

      Was also disappoint that no NeNe or Teresa from Real Housewives. What a Mensa meeting!

    • I think Melania actually calls him Honey, Boo-Boo.

    • borninatrailer

      Well, 2 of those 3 (I hope it is only 2) have a sex tape so they aren’t invited.

    • Andre

      Not to be too pedantic, but with that list o’ speakers, “More presnidintnaler: would be the correct usage.

  • Suttree

    Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Oh, those two assholes. At least Kentucky isn’t that far away so that sane people won’t run out of bourbon.

    • iceweasels

      Whatever you do, don’t leave Louisville.

      • Suttree

        I met ONE nice person from Lexington once. I think her parents moved her to New Jersey before the asshole redneck seeped into her soul. Take from that what you will.

        • iceweasels

          Lexington isn’t so much redneck-y, because it’s where all the people who own the racehorses live. It’s more of a snobby and blatantly racist town. But you’ll find plenty of towns on the drive between Lexington and Louisville where the KKK is still a definite thing.

          • Suttree

            Thanks. My knowledge of Kentucky is definitely lacking.

          • iceweasels

            I sometimes see Mitch McConnell at the grocery store. It is just as horrible as you might imagine.

          • Suttree

            Does every head of lettuce have one bite taken out of it?

          • iceweasels

            It’s hard to pay attention. His flapping jowls are hypnotic. ;)

  • Oblios_Cap

    I wonder what’s on the movie channels tonight?

  • baconzgood

    Mmmmmmm. I don’t think I’ll be watching that.

  • Belasaurius
  • dslindc

    Which speaker should I listen to if I am poorly educated?

    • Vincent Ricola

      AOTK.

    • Ima Witstüp

      You looking to be more poorly educated?

  • FZsdaughter

    I do not envy those Dems who must cover the RNC. If you’re not brain-dead enough to be going there because you love Trump, it will surely be pure torture.

  • borninatrailer

    I’ll attempt sarcasm level infinity:

    “Gee, with that list of speakers, I hope the convention doesn’t get too wonky with policy discussions that bore or go over the head of the audience.”

    • proudgrampa

      To be fair, even Wonkette isn’t all that wonky…

  • proudgrampa

    After reading this, I’ve decided to go back to the liquor store. I don’t think my fully-stocked liquor cabinet is going to be enough for this night, let alone the entire freakin’ week.

    • BadKitty904

      “I’ll take a a gallon of rum and a straw, please.”

      • Andre

        Can I get OE800 by the keg? A hogshead of MD2020? This is a week for store brands, otherwise you’ll drink yourself out of all the SNAP/TANF benefits in an hour.

  • BadKitty904

    I *am* surprised to hear “no Duggars”. It’s not like they have anything else to do except look for real jobs…(THANKS, Josh!)

    • Treg.Brown

      Today is Jim Bob’s birthday, and I’m sure they have something special planned. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/63ddad558c62a43d4a1fc0086356da9b2ec758686018b65ab14a5c33d5b0d9d6.jpg

      • borninatrailer

        I read that as Josh’s birthday first pass. I thought you were implying this group of young woman was his gift.

        Sadly, I laughed.

      • BadKitty904

        The “faux folksy” always tickle me. All the Duggars lack is Ma and Pa Kettle…

        • Would you settle for Ma and Pa incubator?

        • Bear OmNomNom

          But remember what the pot called the kettle. 19 of *those* kids (or even 3) aren’t God’s beautiful flowers, they’re WELFARE BABBYS for scamming teh gubmint!!1!

          • BadKitty904

            Well, can’t they just sell them, then?

          • Bear OmNomNom

            Sell them? Hell, Goldman Sachs is developing Welfare Babby-Backed Securities as we speak! Tranching this particular asset pool, however, is proving rather messy…

          • BadKitty904

            Then if I may make a Modest Proposal…

      • Creepoman

        Hog castratin’ trainin’?

      • natoslug

        WHY ARE THOSE HUSSIES SHOWING THEIR NAKED ANKLES?!!!!!!???? SHAME!!!!!!!!

      • therblig

        are they all pregnint, too?

        • Treg.Brown

          What good are they if they’re not?

  • Logic of Color

    And to walk Trump and Pence down the isle…surprise guest Omarosa!

  • CapnFatback

    Of the seven women scheduled to speak tonight (out of 27 people), [Ernst] is the only one who is there due to her own personal accomplishments and not those of a dude she is related to or married to.

    Actually, that’s not even true; she’s there in a supporting role to a hog she castrated.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Rick Santorum so wanted to show off his special talent for tonight’s “Wingnut Star Search”: http://media.giphy.com/media/3o85xHdSsa6yhqfgxW/giphy.gif

  • Scooby

    Where’s Kik Cameron?

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    What time does Doctor Oz go on?

  • Blackest Noobs

    the donald said this would be the most entertaining convention ever.
    eh…with that list of speakers, it doesn’t look like it.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    The speaker list reads like the ship’s manifest for the Golgafrinchiam Ark B.

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      All the fish upfists!

  • janecita

    The RNC sounds like a straight to video, crappy movie. I guess that he doesn’t want too many people knowing that his wife sounds like Putin in drag, so she was relegated to the first day of the convention.

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    Hillary wears heebi-jobby in solidarity with terrorists? That’s something I’m looking in to. (googles for a few seconds) Oh, visiting a shrine as SoS. Seems like part of the job. Like when Dubya removed his shoes at a mosque. IOKIYAR

  • Shoto

    Needz Moar Honey Boo Boo.

  • AnOuthouse

    Lt Michael Flynn, the guy who called on Ayatollah Khomeini to denounce the tragedy in Nice. Ayatollah Khomeini, who died in 1989. Trump has the best people.

  • chascates

    It’s more of an ‘anti-Hillary’ than a ‘pro-Trump’ but no one can praise the Donald more than the man himself. He’ll break tradition by introducing his wife tonight (and probably other relatives throughout the week) and undoubtedly speak more about himself than she will.

  • dslindc

    Will Simon Cowell be judging or are they using chairs with buttons like on The Voice?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      “That is without a doubt the worst rendition of Pants on the Ground I have ever heard.”

    • Paperless Tiger

      Folding chairs and foreign objects.

      • Poe’s Law

        Undocumented foreign objects?

        • Bear OmNomNom

          Now now, I’m sure SOME of them are good ones.

  • ClarkJoe

    From today’s NY Times:

    “Correction: July 18, 2016 An earlier version of this article incorrectly included the actor and model Antonio Sabato Jr. among Hispanics speaking at the Republican National Convention. Mr. Sabato is a native of Italy; he is not Hispanic.”

    • Creepoman

      Close e-fucking-nuff, right?

      • Jamoche

        Got a vowel on the end of his name, what more do you want?

        • Creepoman

          With the added qualifier that it’s not silent, ala, Jame Monroe.

    • CapnFatback

      SHHHHHHH! The Hispanics that Trump loves might hear you!

    • I thought Trump hated immigrants, well, except for mail-order brides?

      • BadKitty904

        And his Mom (native of Scotland)…

        • jmhm

          and grandma, who put grandpa’s whorehouse money into real estate.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      He’s very popular among the *ahem* Euro-American Nationalist movement.

    • BadKitty904

      “Eh, like there’s a diff…” ~ Republicans everywhere

    • Butbutbut … aren’t Italians Latinos???

      • iceweasels

        They are suspiciously brown.

  • BadKitty904

    Before this is over, I’m fully expecting something like the below. tRump’s speech, halfway through the clip, is especially typical…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EVZwTMmk8c

  • SkinlessGenderlessMan

    The Cleveland Steamer will likely be getting coverage on my mom’s TV, which means I’ll probably go out kayaking every night this coming week…. The water is sooo calming….

  • weejee
    • When add in that Track was only in the military as part of a plea bargain to avoid drunken vandalism charges and never saw combat, this graphic becomes even sadder.

      • Redgyal

        Sooooooooo, where does the “PTSD” come from?

        • SadDemInTex

          Being a “P”alin, of course

        • As someone else said, Parenting by Todd and Sarah Damage. And perhaps Sarah’s fetid imagination.

  • Notreelyhelping

    And Trump kicks the morning off by accusing Obama of being a secret cop-killer sympathizer due to his “body language”…rock’n’rolllllll!

    • Bear OmNomNom

      “Why yes, I speak Jive!”

  • Tansy greenpeas

    I had never experienced The God Warrior before and now all I can say is…wuh?

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      Normally I don’t watch the videos. Now I know why. Thanks….

      The thought of being tangentially associated with this sort of bugshit crazy is what keeps me faaaaar away from being religious, spiritual, or whatever.

      • Tansy greenpeas

        It keeps me away from reality TV at least.

  • qadesh

    27 speakers, only 7 of whom are women. way to reach out, rnc. and, again, 27 speakers??? do each of them get 5 or 6 minutes? I mean, how long does the clown show go on each night?

    • AnOuthouse

      It’ll be like Oscar night. At least in length.

  • Mr. Lambert

    I’m definitely going to turn the festivities into a drinking game.

    I’m going to drink myself into a dangerous stupor before the convention coverage begins.

    The game will be me trying not to pass out before it ends.

  • timpundit

    A buffet of buffoons.

    • Logic of Color

      A caudre of cacophony

      • AntiDerpomeme

        Flock of fuckin’ failures.

        • Andre

          a cornucopia of cretins

        • dslindc

          A plethora of pea brains!

          • Andre

            a smorgasbord of sullen sad sacks

          • Kakkeltje

            A gaggle of gibbering grifters

          • Jamoche

            I’ll take “Rejected Game of Thrones titles” for $1000, Alex.

    • TheGrandWaz00

      A murder of morons.

    • A parcel of rogues

  • dslindc

    Which night will Clint Eastwood be doing a cooking demonstration with a wall sconce?

    • iceweasels

      He may not get around to cooking, what with all the screaming he’ll be doing at that mouthy cutlery.

      • Doug Langley

        “Go ahead, soup ladle! Make my day!!”

  • BadKitty904

    No ShamWow guy?

    • dslindc

      I think they were hoping for zombie Billy Mays

      • BadKitty904

        Even dead, Mays has more sense than that…

      • Tio_Doidinho

        Not enough felonies under his belt.

  • Mary Sandoras

    So in making America safe again, I have to ask, how dangerous are hogs with balls?

  • AnOuthouse

    Keeping all these loons busy for a night counts as making America safe in my book.

  • Me not sure

    Professor Irwin Corey (the world’s foremost authority) is always available to speak. He is 102 years old. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1ee039bdb513adc639bbfa5c9d9a858ec9f44411daf81b5c333a84d1a4466926.jpg

    • jmhm

      Is that Minetta Lane?

      • Me not sure

        Not sure.

  • Mr. Lambert

    The girl from Real World: Frisco

    I wonder how she feels about Pence cutting AIDS funding to divert it to gay conversion therapy, when it was her good, gay friend on the show who died from AIDS. Pedro, I think.

    Yeah, I’m that old.

    • Rick Hill

      Friends? That was for the show because, eww, ghey.

      • Mr. Lambert

        Hey man, I even remember the reunion show when she cried over it.

        I always hated her anyway.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Puck wasn’t available?

    • cynmac

      7 kids be good optics.

  • Crystalclear12

    So, what time is riot scheduled? Don’t want to miss that!

    • MrCanoehead

      0.5 seconds after a truck backfires behind the open carry gun-humpers.

  • Logic of Color

    “I saved the box Melania arrived in so I can return her when she turns 50.” — Donald Trump (Via Bill Maher)

    • Longstreet63

      I think we hate on Melania too much. She’s smart enough to have found a very stupid rich man as a retirement package, and the requirements are probably no worse than the normal Eastern European model gig…

      • jmhm

        I don’t hate on her for getting a good deal on what she had to trade. I hate on her for saying that a jewish woman reporter deserved death and rape threats and photoshops of herself at Auschwitz for doing her job.

        • cynmac

          When did Melania say that? She called the article ““yet another example of the dishonest media and their disingenuous reporting” in a Facebook post. She accused Ioffe of having an agenda, and said that her parents were private citizens who “should not be subject to Ms Ioffe’s unfair scrutiny”.” The Trumpanzees attacked the journalist, that’s true, but dayum, they attack everyone.
          https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/apr/28/julia-ioffe-journalist-melania-trump-antisemitic-abuse

          • jmhm

            She also said that Ioffe was responsible for the behavior of the flying monkeys (I think her exact words were that Ioffe “provoked” what they were doing) and refused when asked point blank to call them off or discourage what they were doing because “I don’t control my fans.”

            Which, to my mind, raises the question of why she decided to twitter her discontent in the first place, but when faced with the consequences of what it led to she laid the blame squarely on the victim. I’m not a fan.

          • cynmac

            Trump was the one who said that he didn’t control his fans, when called on rally violence that he incited. I don’t particularly like her either and I wouldn’t expect her to do the FLOTUS functions. That’s Ivanka’s wheelhouse. But Melania doesn’t Twitter – she’s been trying to get Trump to cool it. So…
            http://i0.wp.com/www.techdigest.tv/2014/03/25/citationneeded.png?resize=321%2C271

          • jmhm

            I didn’t realize he sent the original tweet, but Haaretz quotes her throwing Ioffe to the wolves. Good on her if she’s working to try and tone him down, but frankly I don’t think she – or anyone else in that campaign – is a particularly reliable witness at this point.

          • cynmac

            I looked up the original story and it’s interesting. Melania talks more about the outing of her daddy’s “outside chile”. And you can tell that she is PISSED. If she didn’t know, her mama probably didn’t know. Melania was sitting down for what she thought was a fluff piece and they ratfucked her daddy (in her opinion) and embarrassed her family. So Melania has no sympathy for the journalist, at all.
            So another reason why the Trumps are not suited to be POTUS and FLOTUS – Trumplethinskin.
            http://dujour.com/news/melania-trump-interview/

        • Longstreet63

          That’s a pretty good reason.

        • cynmac

          I owe you an apology. You were right about Melania. That was proven last night. I do appreciate you sharing your links and info. Here are some back in case you missed them. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f417a2f34198d0c1caac540277ce8702c71b443602a096f747357497e6e235f2.jpg
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KtzdP7mR-4
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcbiGsDMmCM

          • jmhm

            Thanks :)

      • Logic of Color

        I don’t really know anything about her except for the thing jmhm mentioned below. I just thought the line was funny. I tend to cut first ladies and kids slack until they earn my derision. I thought the letter the Bush girls wrote to the Obama girls was very classy, for example. I get your point though.

      • cynmac

        Lighten up, Frances. We’ve been nice to Melania, compared to how Michelle Obama gets treated. Not saying that quid pro quo is how we should roll, but these jokes are mild, topical and funny.
        And the Obama jibes started before he was elected and in respected press.
        http://images.huffingtonpost.com/gen/29981/original.jpg

        • Longstreet63

          I will attempt in future to stir in more laughter with my normally reserved, nay even humorless online persona:
          Q: Why is Melania a stupid cow?
          A: Because Republicans hate Michelle!
          Hmmm. I just apparently do not get this humor thing.

          • cynmac

            Not Even Close.

  • Paperless Tiger

    I hope Rick Perry remembers to show up.

  • Daisy

    I’m sorry, I won’t be watching tonight. My mom and I will be discussing the impending arrival of Mick Jagger’s eighth child.

    • Shan the Libtart

      It’s gonna look like Benjamin Button.

    • cynmac

      Dafuq – Mick has 5 grandchildren and a great grand?
      He became a great-grandfather on 19 May 2014, when Jade’s daughter Assisi gave birth to a daughter.
      So the baby will be born already an uncle/aunt and a great grand uncle/aunt?!
      And Jade just had a baby too? Her son was born in June 2014, just one month after her daughter Assisi gave birth to her first grandchild.
      How is he not blowing out dust? Maybe they will just raise all them babies like cousins? Too weird.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    February 8, 2014: I picked the wrong election cycles to quit drinking.

  • chortlingdingo

    How many people do you think had to say “hell no” for there to be so many reality stars on this list?

    • Jamoche

      You really think Trump knows enough non-reality stars? This probably *is* his original shortlist.

    • jmhm

      Let’s just say that Trump got between Lindsey Graham and a camera and lived to tell the tale.

  • geoffalnutt

    The swimsuit competition will open the 2nd Act, then Mrs. Ida Snit will lead the 1st grade class in a rousing rendition…

  • Tansy greenpeas

    https://twitter.com/byrontau/status/754357522207604737
    You have probably seen this one before, but once more can’t hurt

    • Mr. Lambert

      See my update below.

    • Longstreet63

      Why replaced? I’d think the Trump delegates would find it comforting.

  • Mr. Lambert

    Turns out the convention organizers fixed the White Elevators sign. They took them down and hung one new sign.

    It simply read: Ben Carson’s Elevator

  • Fartknocker

    I was really hoping Flo from Progressive Insurance would have been asked to speak. She can tell me everything I need to know in < 1 minute and saved me $41 bucks a month on my Chevrolet pickup.

    • cynmac

      Did she stay in a Holiday Inn Express also too?

  • Tansy greenpeas

    Because someone else has to have seen this.
    https://twitter.com/darth/status/754822168840515584

    • Longstreet63

      Oh, the Humility!

  • cynmac

    Update Thank God for Leslie Stahl. I am watching CBS News Online and they continue to replay the portion of the 60 Minutes interview where “Trump gives Pence a pass on voting for the Iraq War” – their words. Tonight will be extra shitastic and I must make a run for booze.

  • Fartknocker

    So Editorix, will Evan be live-blogging every night or just the night that Trumplethinskin speaks because if it’s every night, I need to go to Spec’s Wine and Liquor and load up.

    • cynmac

      Load up. Trump is threatening to show up tonight and harsh his wife’s speech, like he did Pence last night. having it on hand couldn’t hurt.

  • Ima Witstüp

    Wow. They should have got Joel McHale to M.C. this shit-show.

  • Beulah

    Pat Smith, mother of Sean Smith, killed in the 2012 attacks in Benghazi, Libya; Mark “Oz” Geist, member of a security team that fought in Benghazi; John Tiegen, member of Benghazi security team and co-author of the book “13 Hours,” an account of the attacks;

    RNC 2016: Benghazi Boogaloo!

    • Daisy

      BENGHAZI!1!1 never ends.Ever.

    • Longstreet63

      A lot of that security team seems to have made it out, didn’t they? Too bad Hilary made them so damn bad at their jobs…

    • cynmac

      Another of the drinking game words for tonight. Y’all gonna be fuxd up.

  • Mpeg

    Why neo-conservative Adam Baldwin has not signed on to be future President Trump’s bodyguard, I cannot understand. Showing up at the convention would be halfway to getting the coveted rehashed breakout role I mean job~

    • Longstreet63

      Is Stephen the God-Botherer Baldwin there? Adam may have too much “convicted criminal” cachet for the first day.

      • cynmac

        But the theme is “Make America Safe Again” tonight.

    • jmhm

      Mal should have spaced him. With votes, natch.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      You mean Firefly Adam Baldwin?

    • theblackdog

      Isn’t he too busy meeting with the local GamerGaters on a Skype call in Carol Baldwin’s basement?

      • cynmac

        It’s about ethics in political campaigning! *psst*, no it’s not.

    • cynmac

      I had to check and he says that he is a “small government conservative libertarian”, and the link goes to DeadBreitbart so he would be a good fit, most likely. Unless he plans to vote for Johnson.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Track Palin is out of jail now, why not him in a speaker-role?

  • Paperless Tiger

    Get the politics out of politics!

  • Ducksworthy

    We are about to witness the culmination of the hooogest political fraud in American History (at least since the beginning of the Iraq war). Donald is on the verge of receiving millions of dollars from the most ignorant and bigoted people in this country and all they will get in return are diplomas from Trump University indicating that they majored in Suckerdom.

    • “We are about to witness the culmination of the hooogest political fraud in American History (at least since the beginning of the Iraq war).”

      ???

      Um, yeah no. As much as a destest the Donald, the above is politics in general (As a resident of “liberal” California, I can attest to that. And of course we ALSO had a dimwitted celebrity random-catchphrase-generator run for office purely as a vanity project.) I’m just saying that if we scratched the surface of “political fraud” a little, it would make The Donald’s antics look like some two-bit reality show (Hey wait a minute…)

      But they get to (very briefly) “stick it” to those uppity people what makes fun of them (for expecting them to deal with the consequences of thier own decisions, the nerve)…at least before the other shoe drops, so that’s worth it, right? So if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk with a guy who has this great deal on magic beans. (Take that, libtards!)

  • TheGrandWaz00

    ♪ There’s a lot of shitty, shitty ones
    That want to get you high
    But all the shitty, shitty ones
    Will leave you low and blow your mind

    They’re all stars now in the Trump show
    They’re all stars now in the Trump show ♪

  • Longstreet63

    This looks like the lineup for the second day of the local gun show. Is this a political convention with almost no politicians? Usually you have to beat those folks away from the mike with cattle prods.
    Well, we can still hope for that.
    Honestly, I can only assume these are the people stupid enough to speak for free.
    Also, which is the Token Minority Person to Prove We’re Not Racists?

    • iceweasels

      Maybe they couldn’t even find a token?

      • Bear OmNomNom

        Not quite. They’ll have to use a Pence slug.

    • theblackdog

      Ben Carson, or Michael Steele

      • cynmac

        IKR? No Alan Keyes, no Herman Cain, no Allen West. It’s like Ann Coulter has lost all Her Blacks.

    • Surprised they didn’t drag out Stacy Dash (or is Alicia Silverstone startung to return her calls now?)

    • Also, Ben Carson’s campaign manager would have been a good choice for that, because NOTHING says “Republican values” like hood ol’ fashioned sexual hypocrisy and subjugation.

  • Beulah

    Did anyone ask John Voight if he’d like to come talk to a piece of furniture?

  • dshwa

    So a general who thinks cultural awareness is treason and a bunch of liars about Benghazi? What’s on the docket for tomorrow, Bernie Madoff?

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Sadly, the Kardashians have all endorsed Hillaruh so you won’t be seeing any of them.

    • Not all of them (Sorry Caitlyn, but you can’t scrub away Kardashian taint that easily.)

  • dslindc
    • cynmac

      Perfect for tonight’s theme, Keep America Safe that the words to drink by are Benghazi, Reagan, Police, Radical and 9/11.
      But for people who don’t drink, the Late Show with Colbert has made bingo cards.
      http://static01.mediaite.com/med/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Screen-Shot-2016-07-18-at-10.01.01-AM.jpg

      • Jonny On Maui

        As a people who don’t drink we just exchange shots with bong hits…

        • cynmac

          Lucky. I ate my last brownie and I have to limit my drinks because meds. I imagine that I could blow out my liver with a drinking game.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    What a bunch of losers. The Donald couldn’t get Ted Nugent? That guy will show up for a ceremonial toilet flushing! Of course when the toilet flushes, the Nuge is at first bewildered by and then completely pleased with the doughy surprise he just gave himself in the back of his pants…

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    So no Roosh V or Matt Forney or Paul Elam? What about skinheads? Anime Nazi’s? Vox Day? Milo Yanni-, Luka Magnotta I mean? It’s like Trump’s real fans don’t get to be heard which is low energy and sad.

  • cynmac

    The 24/7 convention coverage has started and they did find a rabbi to give the convocation. L’chaim!

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Its official — the RNC just kicked off — and I just hurled.

  • Redgyal

    Campos Duffy is the lite version of The Duggars. Seven children and counting.

    • Longstreet63

      Good point. As for the Duggars, the average republican delegate can’t count that high, anyway, and the odor of all those exposed feet might overwhelm the air conditioning.

  • Marla

    Scott Baio?

    Wow.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      A real coup to land that one isn’t it? I mean, Trump obviously had to engage in a bidding war to secure Scott Baio as a speaker….

      • Msgr_Moment

        The Delaware State Fair’s loss.

  • chicken thief

    Paul “P motherfucking 90X” Ryan just said he doesn’t agree with Trump and his list but, of course, still supports him.

    • Longstreet63

      Well, when push comes to shove, what’s really important is that the poor get screwed…

      • cynmac

        Well, when push comes to shove, what’s really important is that the poor get screwed and you and your buds get reelected.

  • Royal Ugly Dude, Esq.

    I guess all the GOP heavyweights already had tickets for ComicCon.

    • cynmac

      Fly fishing was also referenced as an excuse. The best was Palin – it’s too far!

  • Master Contrail Program

    The guitar body of the convention logo, looks like some some sort of sauropod rising from the muck, to challenge the elephant for dominance.

    A prehistoric, slow-moving dinosaur, with a brain the size of a walnut, does seem appropriate for the Tea Party, yes?

    • jmhm

      I thought he was standing athwart the ripple of history trumpeting no

  • SadDemInTex

    This is going to make Clint Eastwood look like a genius.

    • Thorn Spike

      It’s going to make the chair look like a genius.

  • anwisok

    *snicker* *giggle* hehehehe. Almost makes me want to watch. Not quite, but almost.*

    *I am lying.

    • cynmac

      If it’s any enticement, the music is good. They brought back G.E. Smith, the original a former SNL music director. ETA – hoping that the RNC hired him and he got paid in advance.

      • anwisok

        WAITWAITWAIT . . . . an SNL director is in charge – at the Republican National Convention? OH MY GOD, that is too perfect!!! BWAHAHahahahhahhahhahaahahhahaha*wheeze*hahahahahhhahhahhahha*gasp*hahahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! *pant, pant* *wipes tears*

        • cynmac

          G.E. Smith also directed the music in 2012 in Tampa. I guess it’s a steady gig for him. He is no longer with SNL, only comes back for specials.

          • Cliff Hendroval

            He was also the lead guitarist in the Hall and Oates touring band during their ’80s heyday. I saw them back then and was surprised how good they were.

      • JerryRich

        Howard Shore (composer of The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit film trilogies) was the the original SNL music director (1975-1980).

        • cynmac

          I stand corrected. I knew he was married to Gilda Radner and ran with it.

      • Freddie Mercury Libelz!

  • Johnnymoreno

    It seems their theme will literally be “Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail.”

    • cynmac

      When is it not Fear and Loathing in Cleveland?

      • Panika MCD

        when the Cavaliers win?

        • cynmac

          Oh, you know that there are white people from the suburbs that think twice about coming downtown. But probably not when the Cavs play and are winning.
          True story – I knew that Atlanta had made a turn when white people came downtown on an Friday evening to attend Bernie’s first rally. Atlanta traffic is cray-cray for one and that Bernie had that kind of appeal to the suburbanites and exurbanites was amazing.

          • Panika MCD

            I would not really have the same analysis of that situation.

          • cynmac

            Yeah, living in a Red State is a trip. When you get on the train after dark and all the white people are on one side of the tracks, all going North. It’s changing. The Millennials and the hipsters all want to be intown. The ones that can’t afford it find a way to come in to party. At least the city schools are getting better so many may stay.

      • Bear OmNomNom

        Trump and Pence on ether. Ohgawd.

  • Callyson

    Melania Trump — Trump’s wife, a former model, whom we imagine will be discussing catwalk safety, or something.

    “No, really, there’s no problem! His hands are big enough!”

    • Master Contrail Program

      One doesn’t need big hands to sign checks.

  • duckshoe

    I’d join you, Wonkette, but after reading this I plan to start drinking early and will probably he down for the night by showtime.

    • Smokahontas

      Feel free to join me in my fort :-)

  • cynmac

    Update Trump will be showing up tonight to introduce his wife Melania. They have allotted 5 minutes for her to speak and the talking heads on CBS-N are laughing over whether Trump can limit his introduction.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Jersey Shore cast members! LOL … they are too A list for this carnival shit show.

  • Panika MCD

    what’s the over-under on whether Gov. Good Hair will be wearing his glasses?

    • cynmac

      SMRT.

  • Doug Langley
  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Day one of the NAAWP convention begins with Make Amerikkka Safe Again (for white people to be mean, cruel and racist).

  • Apple Scruff

    ‘We need Trump because we have to get our country back in order.’ -Antonio Sabato Jr, born in Italy.

    • cynmac

      Actually, per Antonio, he has real true fears! fears that he needs to talk about.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      Well, then he certainly knows about making the trains run on time.

  • beatbort

    Has Rudy mentioned 9-11 yet?
    I’m going to rely on those of you with stronger stomachs than I have to watch this thing and keep me posted.

  • HolidayinCambodia

    I saw this movie recently at a disability showcase at some high-falutin’ university, but it seems relevant for the Republican Convention:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRYcPIYsCWs

  • UnsaltedSinner

    They certainly don’t try to hide the fact that it’s a reality show.

  • theblackdog

    So for any drinking games being held tonight, should we take a shot every time Giuliani says 9/11?

    • AngryKatie

      I’m not sure my liver is up to that.

      • cynmac

        I alternatively posted a bingo card, because I can’t drink that much either.

    • teapartyidiots

      Not unless having your stomach pumped is an experience you want?

    • cynmac

      The drinking game was previewed earlier and yes, 9/11 is one of the words.

      • Suse

        Where was the game previewed? I have to get ready.

        • jmk

          I, also too, need to know this.

    • ltmcdies

      how loaded are you going to be by the end of the night….

      • theblackdog

        Alcohol Poisoning

  • Ulricii

    What? No Empty Chair? I thought Empty Chair was to be the opening night headliner at all Republican National Conventions after his amazing performance four years ago.

  • AngryKatie

    Uh oh Kirk Cameron, now you’re going to be competing with Scoty Baio for starring roles in wingnut projects.

    In this context I assume the worst person should win?

    • Last Hussar

      Kirk, Scotty? Orange Skinned alien?

      • AngryKatie

        He does have a SAG card…

  • Last Hussar

    I hope they will be calling for drone strikes on Pennsylvania. After all, it is harbouring someone a NATO member wants extradited on suspicion of Terrorism.

  • azeyote

    they couldn’t even get Mike Tyson – and he bites peoples ears off for money –

    • cynmac

      No sports dudes that I saw, not even Tebow. No one wants to offend their fans.

      • eliamias

        Bobby Knight was slated at one point. I don’t remember him pulling out. With all of the people fleeing, I may have just missed that one.

  • whitroth

    It might make America Safe Again if someone were to run a giant earth-moving machine into those balls in front of the convention center, and bowl a perfect strike of Reptilians…

    I actually like Baio in one movie: Zapped, from around 1980, which was a fun satire of Rosemary’s Baby, and Carrie, and….

  • Since when was Obama/Clinton a thing?

    • cynmac

      For the first time in over 2 decades, a sitting president is campaigning for his party’s nominee as his replacement. It’s historical! See Dirk, back in the olden days, the whole party United behind the nominee at the convention, even POTUS.
      Reagan was the last one to hit the road with George H.W. Bush in 1992. Gore wanted no parts of Bill Clinton. McCain and Romney wanted no parts of George W. Bush. Bush and the rest of the GOP want no parts of Trump and aren’t even at the convention!

      • Smokahontas

        Ahhh, the circle of derp.

      • eliamias

        When I first started reading this I thought, what, 20 years?! Pffft! But yeah…. when did I get old?

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Make America Safe Again (MASA) night.

  • Bub the Leftwing Zombie

    They scoured the Isle of Lilliput for that lineup.

  • Jeff in the desert

    Chachi just wants to go back to them Happy Days!

    • FelineMama

      No, Erin Moran was unavailable.

  • Land Shark

    Overture, curtains, lights,
    This is it, the night of nights
    No more rehearsing and nursing a part
    We know every part by heart
    Overture, curtains, lights
    This is it, you’ll hit the heights
    And oh what heights we’ll hit
    On with the show this is it
    Tonight what heights we’ll hit
    On with the show this is it!

  • Duke

    Will there be a live blog?

    And a drinking game?

    Or will I just yell and throw things?

    • Smokahontas

      Maybe, probably, yes. In that order. Cheers!

  • FelineMama

    NO K’s, No Duggars. ?? WHAT????????????????

  • anna rampage

    So how much did Dullard Trump pay for his wife? Or was US citizenship enough of a motivating factor, as nobody wants to be a washed up Slovenian MILFy porn star….

  • JCfromNC

    This finally prompted me to look up Antonio Sabato’s name in IMDB to figure out where the hell I knew his name from. He was in a short-lived sci-fi program called “Earth 2” that my wife loved, and not only because it had two of her favorite people, Clancy Brown and Tim Curry. I think he was there mostly in hopes of attracting the Estrogen Brigade, as TVTropes puts it.

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