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Oooh! Aaah! (Squee sound effect) Pretty!
Oooh! Aaah! (Squee sound effect) Pretty!

Happy Third Of July, kids! Hope you’re ready for some verbal fireworks from our deleted commenters, even if they mostly misfire. Some of them sputter entertainingly, at least.

Monday’s big Supreme Court decision on Texas’s terrible abortion law brought some predictable grousing about how this will inevitably be the LAST STRAW for “pro-life” folks, who will have no choice now but to start a new civil war or something. Deleted commenter “PaulJones6482” apparently forgot — just like Ben Shapiro did — the cover story that Texas’s law wasn’t actually meant to restrict abortions, but to “protect women’s health.” Then again, “PaulJones6482” isn’t entirely in favor of healthy ideas anyway:

Yay, the baby killers on the left can try to murder more babies. Well maybe the people need to carry out some justice

That seems reasonable: if the courts don’t rule to protect life, time to start dispensing vigilante justice. Just in case there was any question about PaulJones6482’s intention — like maybe he meant “time for some nonviolent sit-ins!” — he also commented at rightwing website CNSNews (on a story about marriage equality), “Now is the time to pick up weapons and fight back.” And no, he didn’t add that he meant “spiritual warfare.” In his brief visit to Wonket, PaulJones6482 had some other smart ideas!

  • Texas, Ignore The Supreme Court And Enforce Your Abortion Laws Anyway
  • Baby killer Just think you are just a blob of cells and can be aborted
  • Time we take the country back from the liberal courts, [sic]
  • Get out of our country
  • Better pack your bags

Let’s say it together: He seems nice.

We also heard from one “Jonathan White,” who was very unhappy with our piece on Elizabeth Warren endorsing Hillary Clinton. We think maybe he’s got some anger management issues:

  • Haha f*ck Warren, Clinton, Obama, DWS and all the corporate owned democrat p*ssies…Warren is the biggest panzy of all. I hope she gets titty cancer like that dumb b*tch Claire mccaskill
  • You’re a p*ssy, and a puppet with a master. Hahah you’re pathetic and a waste of life. Your generation makes the founding fathers wish they left the country to England, you coward
  • Obama didn’t do shit to secure the house/senate for democrats…that’s his fault, moron. I hope you get colon cancer and your a*s hole rots out ;)
We understand the Trump campaign is looking for a new digital consultant. Mr. White’s comment history is a treasure trove, too, with multiple posts on articles about Hillary Clinton calling to “Hang the witch,” and this vow at Breitbart which seems like it might be more of a potential threat to a presidential candidate than a rude t-shirt:

On the off chance she gets elected, I’ll do America a favor and kill her anyway

Gosh. He seems nice, too!

Not everyone who got the banhammer this week was quite so horrible; some were merely bloviating twits who happen to know that Donald Trump is not a racist, you hate-filled liberals. Take for instance “randallstarr,” who protested that there is no evidence whatsoever that Mr. Trump is a bigot, because what he says happens to be true:

How is it a “true fact” (great writing btw) that Trump is a racist? I’d love to hear this. Hardcore liberals like you have resorted to calling people racists and bigots in the place of effective arguments. I’d love to hear you write an article on policy and why one candidate’s better suits America today. But you retreat from the debate when you call your opponent names — especially when more than half the country disagrees with you? So what’s more likely? That half the country is undoubtedly wicked people filled with hate? Or that our biased media, agenda-driven and agenda-funded entertainment industry, and insidious political rhetoric have your head in a spin of who to like and who to hate – and don’t realize you’re a cultural Marxist.

“…suggesting that Mexican immigrants are all rapists” Now you’re just outright manipulating your audience for profit. He said that rapists comprised a large percentage of ILLEGAL Mexican immigrants, who often have a record on both sides of the border. THESE ARE FACTS. That’s what he was speaking of, but when you just take “they’re rapists,” which he did say — but choose to ignore the true context you’ve resigned from honest journalism and have adopted the Marxist approach of lying to the people because the ends justify the means.

The right states facts that are supported by immigration, gun, and crime statistics and the left ignores the facts wholesale and adopts a national campaign of name calling and using the R-word rather than facts that support your brainwashed position. I challenge you to write an article that’s actually political in it’s content, includes facts, sources, and is devoid of name calling or whining. It’ll improve your writing, and people will take you more seriously!

Well, actually, what Trump said was that the government of Mexico is sending rapists and murderers across the border, and that “Mexicans” born in Indiana are incapable of being fair judges because Donald Trump is going to build a wall. But he said that stuff in a factual, unracist way. Also, gee, we sure do whine a lot, because we are brainwashed cultural Marxists who can only parrot slogans.

Eventually, randallstarr flounced, because we were wasting his time by forcing him to read our blog. And man, did he ever hit us right where it hurt, right in the pageview revenues:

Oh, wow, that’s it. I’m done generating traffic for you and making your terrible article interesting in the comments. That is truly vile behavior, and you feel completely justified in departing from human decency since you feel I’m racist. I’ve never met someone as vile, and uninformed as you. But you don’t need to be informed to be a shitblogger. You just say “racism” and you attract the other dolts. You will reap what you sow, I’ve never come across such juvenile crap from someone claiming to be a political journalist, you are getting very defensive and have used character assaults and utter vileness to put me down. Look at my words. Did I say anything of the sort about you? You are vile.

We should probably note that randallstarr was replying to other readers, not to Evan, who wrote the piece. Dammit, Wonket why don’t your vile commenters write better journalism?

Ah, but before that flounce, someone looked at randallstarr’s comment history, and pointed out this bit of brilliance he’d posted in reply to another blog:

Luciferian Zionism rules our world, orchestrated through the devilish Cryptocracy achieved by the Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian elite doing their dark work on the masses while the Red Shield takes everything you have, and the corporate world takes nearly everything our Mother has, or had.

When the Wonker mocked him for it, randallstarr was not impressed:

You don’t even understand those words, and call it stupid? It would take you a month or more to research those in detail, and then you can argue with me on that subject.

Gosh. We wish we were smart enough to keep up with randallstarr. Needless to say, if you scroll down a ways in his comment history, you find he’s a creationist, too. So pretty much a modern Renaissance Moran.

Finally, our story on House Republicans’ attempt to defund Planned Parenthood in the Zika funding bill brought this angry reply from “Lisa Walz,” who created a Disqus account to say,

Talk about piece of shit, Evan Hurst! Let’s completely overlook the fact that if the liar, loser dems wanted to really pass Zika legislation, then they wouldn’t have bundled planned parenthood into the bill. But naturally your readers are too stupid to understand that and like the liberal piece of shit that you are prey upon the stupidity of your party — I mean isn’t that how all you losers get elected?

We have to like the suggestion that it was lying loser Democrats’ fault that the Republicans had to delay the Zika bill for four months, and then had to bundle Planned Parenthood funding in there, just to prove how terrible Democrats are. Unless she thought Democrats had put the PP funding in there — that’s a pretty ambiguous “they.” But that’s nothing compared to the glorious derp of “isn’t that how all you losers get elected?” Yes. If only the real winners would get elected instead.

Then once she was banhammered, the victorious smart winner “Lisa Walz” deleted her one-comment account.

That’s all. Don’t you people have some barbecues to attend to?

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. Also, please don’t feel slighted if he doesn’t upvote your comment: his Disqus account is borked, and his upvotes don’t “stick.” Just assume he upvoted your comment (which we don’t allow) because you were wonderful and brilliant.

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  • Spotts1701

    You don’t even understand those words, and call it stupid?

    Oh, no. We understand the words. It’s just when they’re arranged in that structural framework that they turn into gibberish.

  • coozledad

    the devilish Cryptocracy achieved by the Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian elite doing their dark work on the masses while the Red Shield takes everything you have

    But they have the BEST potlucks.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    “Gosh. We wish we were smart enough to keep
    up with randallstarr. Needless to say, if you scroll down a ways in his
    comment history, you find he’s a creationist, too. So pretty much a
    modern Renaissance Moran.”

    It’s spelled “Crank Magnetism”:

    Crank magnetism is the condition where people become attracted to multiple crank
    ideas at the same time. You know that saying about not being so
    open-minded your brain falls out? People with crank magnetism didn’t
    pay attention to that.

    • bubbuhh

      I’m going to see if I can git a certain someone interested in playing with my crank magnet right now.

    • zerosumgame0005

      so he is a Cranktivist?

    • Ikimizi

      If only there was a way to gather them all together in one place.
      http://www.wired.com/2016/02/conspira-sea-cruise-know-truth/

      • Anna_in_pdx

        Omg the comments on that article are comedy gold.

    • coozledad

      He shouldn’t have let the Shriners trepan him. Common mistake.

    • Msgr_Moment

      You mean Cro Magneton?

    • Lamashtar

      So, the opposite of Chaos mages?

  • Callyson

    Baby killer Just think you are just a blob of cells and can be aborted

    Wingnut, if you are talking to me, I am already born. If you are referring to a fetus, I’m pretty sure that no one who hasn’t already been born is able to hear or understand you FFS…

    • The Wanderer

      To be fair, a blastocyst is probably smarter than he is.

      • wurman

        That is just inconceivable!

  • Lizzietish81
    • Rotisserie Teal

      Yay Pam!

      • Pickwicknext

        Correct response is sploosh

  • The Wanderer

    “Luciferian Zionism.”
    Gee, was there possibly a better way to refer to Jews as The Devil?

    • Callyson

      IDK…I’ll have to keep up with Trump’s tweets to find out.

      • Pickwicknext

        My brain can’t handle the stupidity burns

    • Lamashtar

      I remember watching a Little House on the Praire episode (I think?) where children insisted that a JEW PERSON had horns underneath their skullcaps. Being an ignorant child. I was completely unaware that this was supposed to mean The DEVIL–I thought they were some cool animal-like powers. :/

  • Callyson

    Haha f*ck Warren, Clinton, Obama, DWS and all the corporate owned democrat p*ssies…Warren is the biggest panzy of all. I hope she gets titty cancer like that dumb b*tch Claire mccaskill

    Damn, we had an MRA troll and I missed him? My timing sucks!

    • Pickwicknext

      Stupid job interefereing with my Wonkette time!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Scare”?

      “Terrify” is more like it with these dickless and ballless wonders.

  • Nounverb911

    In other news, the Fox and Fienders are claiming that the Statue of Liberty is transgender….
    https://youtu.be/TsXR4GBkpaA

    • The Wanderer

      Wow. They truly have gone bye-bye upstairs.

      • proudgrampa

        Indeed.

      • Big Puppy

        Um, they’ve been gone for a while now.

    • Painter of Goats

      So is she supposed to piss in New York or New Jersey?

      • Greg Comlish

        To ask that question is to answer it.

      • Nounverb911

        Depends on how the wind is blowing?

      • Grokenstein

        Which one has more little girls?

        • Nounverb911

          Joisey has one for their Governor….

      • Rotisserie Teal

        I’m just going to go with Jersey, because….well, it’s Jersey.

        • The Wanderer

          “Kiss her where it smells – take her to New Jersey!”

      • Jonny On Maui

        Yes.

    • Grokenstein

      Has anyone volunteered to look up her dress?

      • Nounverb911

        Doocey?

    • MrBlobfish

      I’ll be checking her out tomorrow. I’ll peek under her skirt and get back to you.

      • Nounverb911

        Don’t let the Park Police catch you.

      • Callyson

        Pics or GTFO.

    • Tansy Geek

      I always wondered about the size of her feet proportionate to the rest of her body.

      • The Wanderer

        I knew she was into bondage, what with the chains at her feet and all.

      • wurman

        Also, too, it looks as if Lady Liberty does not have a laryngeal prominence, or Adam’s apple, and furthermore, as well as, it seems obvious that she has no, ziff, nada, facial hair–not even fur on the upper lip.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Faux Noise: There is no abyss of derp they will not dive into enthusiastically.

  • Nounverb911

    “Don’t you people have some barbecues to attend to?”
    Do you know who else was barbecued on the Fourth of July?

    • The Wanderer

      John Adams and Thomas Jefferson? Admitted, they weren’t barbecued, but they both died on the 4th.

    • Fartknocker

      Bob Ross, the famous guy on PBS who created awesome art?
      OR
      Jessie Helms, who was a racist SOB?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Uh, scuse me, this is July THIRD.

      • Nounverb911

        That reminds me, I need t call my mom and wish her a happy 93rd birthday.

      • The Wanderer

        Trigger, Roy Rogers’ faithful horse, died today in 1965. Might’ve been barbecued.

        • shastakoala

          If they died in France.

    • shastakoala

      My neighbor’s pine tree?

    • Msgr_Moment
      • The Wanderer

        Good one!

  • Callyson

    How is it a “true fact” (great writing btw) that Trump is a racist? I’d love to hear this.

    I could go on and on, but I can’t do better than this poster at r/hillaryclinton did.

    You’re welcome.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Wow. Just – thanks for posting! I’m going to memorize some of those. (Not that you can convince anyone who likes Trumplethinskin that they’re true, but still.)

  • bozilingus

    So after we make a non-comment, are we supposed to close with

    “I hope you get colon cancer and your a*s hole rots out ;)”?

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      with votes.

      • shastakoala

        Spiritual votes even.

      • Tansy Geek

        Vote until it comes out your asshole? May you vote with your asshole?
        How about: I hope your asshole votes.

        • bozilingus

          Or “I hope you vote, asshole.”

        • Odd Jørgensen

          Hope you don`t vote for the asshole.

        • Ricky Gay

          I call it my ballot box

          • doktorzoom

            tongue-punch your ballot box!

          • Ricky Gay

            ow

          • mtn_philosoph

            I did that and all it got me was a sly wink from the poll lady.

    • Grokenstein

      It could be our incredibly effective ‘secret handshake’ for when Wonketeers meet outside of the comments that Wonkette does not allow.

    • John Smith

      I was under the impression that our “a*shole” rotted out when he flounced out.

      • H0mer0

        my dad saw some bathroom graffiti back in the 70s that read “if you voted for Nixon in ’72, you can’t shit here because your asshole is in Washington.”

        • John Smith

          I remember Nixon. Compared to today, it was good times. Good times. But maybe that was the acid.

        • SisterArtemis

          My favorite Nixon graffiti, from a local bar a couple of years back

        • willi0000000

          H0mer0, that nixon remark transcends graffiti . . . that’s art!

    • Msgr_Moment

      I had colon cancer, so now all that’s left is a semicolon.

      • doktorzoom

        My uncle had his semicolon removed, and now he has to punctuate in a rubber bag.

        • pstockholm

          My aunt had that problem, and on top of that, no periods at her age.

          • Querolous

            No, we don’t want to know about when she lost her hyphen.

        • mtn_philosoph

          My grammar got got busted when she ignored the syntax.

  • Grokenstein

    Dammit, vile Wonket, why don’t your vile commenters write better vile journalism? You are vile!

    Touched that up a bit for ya.

    Man, what a wealth of stupidity this week! I fear the mix will just grow richer as we approach the RNC Trumpocalypse.

  • Fartknocker

    Completely OT but an interesing perspective from a banker about Brexit and how the lack of education could have contributed to the election results. It sounds like 1/3 or the members of the Texas Department of Education who select school books.
    http://www.reuters.com/article/us-britain-eu-creditsuisse-idUSKCN0ZJ0MV

    • bozilingus

      “That’s the price paid for a chronic lack of investment in education,” Thiam said.

      “Something must be done at the national level so there aren’t so many people left behind that the result of a national, democratic vote gives a result which is bad for the country in the medium term,” he said.

      This would also be the Republican plan to create more R voters.

      • The Wanderer

        Yes, it is. Keep the electorate poor, fearful and dumb, and you can lead them about very easily.

        • theCryptofishist

          “… and you can lead them about very easily by their noses.

          Fixed it for you.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Throw “barefoot and pregnant” into that mix and you have it.

    • TeeRaak

      Also tabloid “Yellow Journalism” according to Paul Krugman…

  • Callyson

    Luciferian Zionism rules our world, orchestrated through the devilish Cryptocracy achieved by the Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian elite doing their dark work on the masses while the Red Shield takes everything you have, and the corporate world takes nearly everything our Mother has, or had.

    When the Wonker mocked him for it, randallstarr was not impressed:

    You don’t even understand those words, and call it stupid? It would take you a month or more to research those in detail, and then you can argue with me on that subject.

    Mind you, randallstarr, if I had the time I would do said research: I’m sure it would be comedy gold…

  • Painter of Goats

    A troll calls our nasty vile little snark mob “vile”. Might want to up your game there, fella.

  • TeeRaak

    You don’t even understand those words…

    Only Conservatives understand what words mean!

    When Jesus said “Don’t be like those hypocrites who pray in public in Temples and on street corners, go to your room, close the door and pray”…

    That means its OK to pray on street corners, at football games and before any political event and make sure everyone knows about it.
    https://media3.giphy.com/media/XfjNSA9QAmbDi/200w_d.gif

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Welp, I took randallstarr’s challenge and did my research. Damn you, Mickey Mouse!
    http://gnosticwarrior.com/walt-disney.html

    Firefly 2016! Re-engreaten Freedonia!

  • I’m impressed with Jonathan White’s correct use of “you’re.”

    • Sardonicuss

      Me two.

      • TJ Barke

        I no write?

        • Msgr_Moment

          Y Duz know won understand me when eye type “IN,W?”

    • Grokenstein

      Strictly a typo.

  • Painter of Goats

    I used to be a Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian but the meetings always ran too long and that one guy constantly complained about how no one kept their shrubbery properly trimmed.

    • The Wanderer

      Ni!

      • Odd Jørgensen

        Eki eki eki ta pang.

        • The Wanderer

          Ying tong iddle i-po!

          • Painter of Goats

            Ting tang walla walla bing bang.

          • The Wanderer

            Needle nardle noo!

          • JesusWasAHippie

            “So mote it be.”

            (bows head for moment of silent respect)

          • bozilingus

            You may need to see a doctor.

          • FeloniousMonk

            It might be a case of the dreaded lurgi.

        • TJ Barke

          We’ve been looking for it…

    • John Smith

      And no punch and pie!

      • Pickwicknext

        I was told there would be punch and pie. Also, that there would be no math

        • John Smith

          Viva La Resistance!

          • TJ Barke
          • Painter of Goats

            Viva La Capacitance!

          • John Smith

            Ohm going to leave that alone.

          • H0mer0

            dammit! I was told there would be no electricity and magnetism!

        • theCryptofishist

          Pie Not Pi!

          • H0mer0

            mmmm…..Pi!

        • FlemmishSpy

          My reluctance kept me from being a conductor for the resistance, even though I had potential.

  • Nounverb911

    And here is something cheerful to cheer you up after reading all these boob’s comments:

    http://p.fod4.com/p/media/8b510e1412/ZP4KLtFSbqg1pxghOJdf_Donald%20Trump%20Eagle.gif

    • The Wanderer

      Never fails to raise a dry chuckle.

    • bozilingus

      Play Free Bird! (holding up lit cigarette lighter)

      • Msgr_Moment

        • TJ Barke

          I thought the cool kids were using electric lighters now…

        • Amy!

          Bern IT down?

    • JesusWasAHippie

      Yep, that just about sums it all up, right there.

    • TJ Barke

      That will be extra appropriate on election night.

    • Incoming Ham

      That never gets old.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Anyone who calls others “cultural Marxists” is an obvious racist, Trump anime-Nazi. The moment I read “cultural Marxism” even the barest analytical center of my brain shuts down…try a little harder to hide your hates, dipshits.

    • pstockholm

      Whenever I hear the words cultural Marxist, I reach for my cultural pistol.

  • Mary Sandoras

    These pro lifers without uteruses need about 12 kids to calm them down a bit.

    • Grokenstein

      Aw! Why would you wish such a fate upon little children?

      • efoveks

        Also too, they’d probably just use it to bilk the foster system– then call the rest of us takers.

  • Sardonicuss

    Uhh. That one guy really… really needs to chat with Secret Service. Really.

    • Grokenstein

      “They’ll never find me! I’m anonymous on the Internet! Hurf hurf durf!!”

  • Msgr_Moment

    Wow. I’m a cultural Marxist and my brain has been washed. I wondered if anybody noticed how sparkly it was.

    • The Wanderer

      Is it springtime fresh?

    • John Smith

      Did you use softener in the rinse?

      • H0mer0

        no, but there’s pudding in the mix.

  • JMP

    “and don’t realize you’re a cultural Marxist.”

    I like how he goes immediately from denying the existence of really obvious racism to using an anti-Semitic slur that originally comes from the party that ran Germany for much of the 30s and 40s.

    • Msgr_Moment

      The Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucians?

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        This ^ is what happens when the little neurons get their switches and wires crossed.

      • proudgrampa

        Some of my best friends are Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucians.

      • H0mer0

        WORST JEFFERSON AIRPLANE B-SIDE EVAH!

    • RoyalUglyDude

      I thought it meant a Marxist who goes to the opera.

      • Pickwicknext

        Only the Chicoists

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        “I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I will never know” – Groucho Marxist.

        • therblig

          when the workers control the means of production, everyone will have pajamas.

          • theCryptofishist

            There is a Broadway musical about that very thing.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Marxists and Lennonists suck!

        • bozilingus

          No, no, no!

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Or…

    • Sardonicuss

      As an Uncultured Marxist I resent the irritation caused by all the lofty comments of you uppity cultured Marxists. Pearls before swine.

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        Yes, this fermented foods thing has gone too far, yogurt and kimchi are one thing, but fermentented dialectical materialism is just foul.

      • theCryptofishist

        Ah, but pearls are cultured.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      What are you talking about? Oh well, no time to find out. I have a Bolshevik meeting to get to.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Splitter!

  • Pickwicknext

    OT but legit question: when is the House back in session Tuesday or Wednesday? And will the Dems resume the sit in?

    • efoveks

      Tuesday. :)

      • Pickwicknext

        Hmmm. I shall keep my eyes peeled!

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Probably not. Paul Douchecanoe Ryan already said when they resume he was going to bring back the same POS bill that failed spectacularly last time because it did jack shit to address the problem and basically was a handout to the NRA.

          • Pickwicknext

            He is such an asshole.

  • Notreelyhelping

    I freely admit that, after a lifetime’s exposure to advertising, I’ve become something of an adgnostic.

  • Ricky Gay

    I got ALL of Dok’s unrecorded upvotes!

  • Ryan Cole

    How do I become a Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian, it sounds like fun.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Yeah, that’s what you think.

      But did that fella sound happy to you?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian? Hah! We are the Rosicrucian Gnostic Masons!

      • Pickwicknext

        Damnit! Aren’t we the People’s Front of Judea? I can’t keep up

      • SayItWithWookies

        Splitter!

    • katz

      I read that as Masonic Gnostic Rastafarian, which sounds like even more fun.

  • Nounverb911
    • Pickwicknext

      I am nearly as mesmerized as that cat

      • bookish

        Yep, pretty weak sauce this Sunday. Hoping for more entertaining umbrage next week. Let’s see what we can do.

        • Sardonicuss

          Lets sneak over to Stormfront and pelt them with rocks. See if they’ll chase us back.

          • bozilingus

            You lead the way, I’m right behind you. (sneaks away quietly)

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            That is what I was thinking! I don’t want that on my browsing history.
            Would fuck with the porn ads I get.

          • Dudleydidwrong

            They’ll never catch us. They can’t go fast with their walkers.

      • Painter of Goats

        This is what my Sunday would look like without Wonkette.

        • Pickwicknext

          Normally this would be true of me, but today i am seeing this:

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            You are so nice <3 Oh, and thank you, too, Pickwick

          • Villago Delenda Est

            “Ma, where did you put the warshboard?”

          • Longstreet63

            Looks familiar. What’s he Prime Minister of?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            My bed, if I play my cards right.
            My dreams, if I do not.

          • Shibusa

            Bon Temps, Louisiana?

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            He’s very cute, but I have to say that the movie looks, judging solely by the ads, stupid. I can save money by staying home and hanging out on reichwing websites if I want to experience a lot of stupid for a couple of hours.

          • Pickwicknext

            I’m going with a couple of girlfriends and we’re going to the theatre that serves booze in your seat

          • Jonny On Maui

            Booze in a seat? Doesn’t that make it hard to drink?

          • Pickwicknext

            It’s more laziness. You go in, get your seat, order food and/or booze brought right to you

          • Jonny On Maui

            Ah. Much better. Never mind…

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            Well, that would make a difference!!

          • Incoming Ham

            Jeebus Christos. Thank you.

    • therblig

      is that a gif or a jif?

  • TJ Barke

    I love how many of these fucking loons are just itching to start up some death squads, to hunt down people they disagree with. If second amendment solutions were necessary to defend against tyranny, it would be the tyranny of these psycho fucks.

    • efoveks

      Loons libelz!

    • Iam Reading

      Proving it is forced birth not pro life. You have that baby or I’ll kill you!

  • Iam Reading

    Fuck it. It’s a nice day. Time to SUP the Boise River with the family and check out the burn damage in the foothills from the morans who set off illegal fireworks in a desert environment adjacent to habitat and a residential neighborhood.

  • JMP

    I’m surprised not to see our MRA troll from Tuesday’s piece on Roosh, Fokker TISM, who had a spectacular meltdown where he posted the same video about twenty times, each with a CAPITALIZED WORD that eventually spelled out a sentence that made no sense whatsoever in standard English.

    • efoveks

      I agree. He, Fokker TISM, put a LOT of effort into that, and Dok did not even give him the courtesy of a mention. Guess the extra points for “lame” backfired.

    • The Wanderer

      It was glorious Non Sequitur Playhouse!

    • doktorzoom

      Looked at his offerings again and decided he wasn’t worth it.

    • Callyson

      Damn it, I miss all the good trolls. And by “good,” I mean “particularly deserving of being fucked with” of course…

  • BloviateMe

    “I hope you get colon cancer and your a*s hole rots out ;)”

    Don’t be so sensitive, libtards. The little winky smiley face at the end defuses the whole, you know, wishing an agonizing and lingering death on someone over politics.

    • efoveks

      Such a sweet boy…

  • TJ Barke

    “Luciferian Zionism rules our world, orchestrated through the devilish Cryptocracy achieved by the Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian elite doing their dark work on the masses while the Red Shield takes everything you have, and the corporate world takes nearly everything our Mother has, or had.”
    Wow. That is some Grade A derp right there.

    • Steve H

      I was thinking level 100 twit myself.

      • The Wanderer

        Does that come with a Vorpal Stick of Stupid?

        • Steve H

          LOL

    • Sardonicuss

      Makes my head hurt reading it. Right around the base of my horns…..I mean temples.

    • Lizzietish81

      It’s like Bingo with obscure conspiracy theories.

      • Pickwicknext

        Are there shot glasses on each square?

        • Lizzietish81

          There are now!

    • HanBarbara

      Rosicrucians have a neat Egyptian temple replica in San Jose. They seem nice. Not sure about those Gnostics, though
      https://youtu.be/OExykL5QnXY

      • Bad Granny

        Three times I dragged myself across town to visit the Rosicrution museum. Three times. Never once actually made it inside. First time they were closed, second time I started having Braxton-Hicks contractions, third time I had a baby. At the time, I blamed poor planning on my part, now I don’t know if I should blame the Cryptocracy or the Red Shield.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Blame HYDRA or A.I.M.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          Same thing happened to me with Ft Putnam near West Point when I lived in NY until around 2005.

          I blame… Obama.

          • Bad Granny

            Clearly. You would be unreasonable not to.

      • theCryptofishist

        Do they still have a couple of trilobites in a case, with labels calling them artifacts of early man?

    • nightmoth

      Potential comic book?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Needs to be more reality based, like radioactive spiders, for a comic book.

      • Jared James

        I’m pretty sure it’s already a “non-fiction” book by eminent psychologist Anthony Napoleon. Guess how many times it has been cited by other forensic psychologists.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          “Anthony Napoleon” is a very appropriate name, given the entire meme of guys in straight jackets claiming to be Napoleon.

        • nightmoth

          This is one of the reasons I love Wonkette: learning something new. Had never heard of this. So Napoleon is a forensic psychologist who is an expert on the psychology of plastic surgery, appears on Court TV, and has written what appears to be a right-wing book about how leftists are mind-controlling America. Is that more or less correct? I’m going by the laudatory Amazon reviews.

          • Jared James

            More than one, but yes.

    • Notreelyhelping

      I couldn’t help myself and Googled Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian. The first thing that came up was about Walt Disney.

      RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

    • folderol

      My splodey head is sploding.

  • Lizzietish81
    • Pickwicknext

      Hahahhahaha!!!

    • The Wanderer

      LOL

    • TJ Barke

    • Sardonicuss

      EWW

    • Grokenstein

      HOW ARE YOU LADIES
      ALL YOUR UTERI ARE BELONG TO US
      YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO ESCAPE MAKE OUR BABIES

    • janecita

      I’m so totally, and shamelessly stealing that!

  • RoyalUglyDude

    OT, but they just announced the list of things you may not bring to the GOP convention:

    • Pickwicknext

      Are yourself or your family members that you like on that list?

    • John Smith

      Grappling hooks? I thought WE were the only ones climbing the walls over Republicans.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I like how they have to specify no grappling hooks. And leave your Nunchucks and containers of bodily fluid at home, thanks.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Trebuchets? Vats of boiling oil? Trojan horses/rabbits? Siege towers? All OK I guess so the convention will still be a fun event. I’ve invested heavily in Orville Redenbacher.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Be sure to fetchez la vache for the trebuchet.

          • Dudleydidwrong

            Mooooooooove over so I can fit the missile into the thingie.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        They need to keep the delegates on the floor…obviously, security for the networks up in the luxury boxes insisted on this.

      • AnOuthouse

        May there is truth to the rumor the Ruckus Society is training the KKK in civil disobedience tactics.

    • revenant

      functioning brains, ethics, empathy or compassion. what do i win?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        apparfently a firearm :) For you know…defending yourself from the other convention goers.
        I can’t imagine that this will go badly.

    • Callyson

      Dammit, there’s a “now they will actually have to bury the hatchet” joke in there somewhere…

      • therblig

        will come during the elizabeth warren segment

        • jmhm

          When they’ll all do the chop.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Well, they are gonna be in Cleveland.

          • therblig

            the sad thing is, all of these are likely to happen.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I predict fights with protesters. I predict screams to errect or even build a wall. I predict a plethora of c grade acts and fringe warrior politicians screaming incoherent derp.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            True statement. They don’t care if it damages their own prospects, either, because they simply cannot think things through at all. They make Baldrick look like the actual inventor of cunning plans that work.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            In actual fact, they don’t do the chop there. They just do the Wooowooowoooo “War chant” thing. Unless it’s changed since I moved. It HAS been a while!

    • therblig

      so, hammers ok? yee-ha!

    • Sardonicuss

      Whew! Put the nuke back in the suitcase Ma…we’re good to go!

    • Nockular cavity

      Wait, isn’t that Batman’s usual kit?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Wow. They had to specify no containers of bodily fluids? But they left out guns, bombs, poisoned darts, trepanning tools, sledgehammers, nail guns, TNT, scythes, and pitchforks?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Also Light Sabers…I’m in the clear!

      • snark-lurker

        wut bout cunttainers of boddilly solids? not on list so we gotta go 4it…in a jar, gonna be the best

    • snark-lurker

      this wiil be the best teevee night EVEEEERRRR1!!!1!!11!!!!
      snurk never eatz popcorn butt will, MUST on that night & miss werk & everthin.
      gonna be yuuge, truss me. YOOGE!

    • Painter of Goats

      No glass bottles, ornaments or light bulbs. So shards are OK then.

    • Msgr_Moment

      One’s bladder, heart, and stomach, for starters, are containers of bodily fluids.

      Now pardon me while I pack my trebuchet. (EDIT: Damnit, of course somebody else beat me to the trebuchet.)

    • SisterArtemis

      Grappling hooks? is this a convention thang?

      • Pickwicknext

        I always have one in my purse

        • SisterArtemis

          Like a good girl and/or boy scout!

    • willi0000000

      good, i can bring my GAU-8.

    • Amy!

      Clearly, someone has somehow gotten word that Batman was planning on disrupting this criminal enterprise.

  • Jo Mathie

    “the baby killers” no sweetie embryos are not a baby and no you as a person without a uterus do not get to choose what actual uterus having people get to do with theirs. Go and have a vasectomy. And drive to the next state and have to undergo a waiting period and a load of people yelling at you about how your precious sperm could end up becoming a baby you didn’t want. The back-tracking would leave scorch marks.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I don’t even want other uterus-havers to tell me what to do with mine. Through a sometimes-painful process of trial and error, I have discovered that not everything is about me. These forced-birthers need to remember that if they are against abortion, they can refrain from having one.

  • Astraea

    Hey I found a cute thing just lying around on the internet, anyone want it?
    http://i.imgur.com/3H56gcJ.gifv

    • John Smith

      WANT! 111!!!

    • Sardonicuss

      Sorry to interupt your toe chewing…but you have something right there on your belly.

    • snark-lurker

      no moa katz! 1’z anuff alreddy! & we nevah gonna smell her bung like shee wonts us 2! gedder offa me!

    • folderol

      Kittens are so cute, but then they grow up to be stupid and arrogant cats. Aside from that, they are still more qualified than Trump to be President.

      • snark-lurker

        but a kidden wit fingers? FINGERS?!

    • Sardonicuss
    • Sardonicuss
  • jmhm

    Aw. Mr. White, who apparently cosplays as a Sanders voter everywhere else when he’s not cheering Trump on at Breitbart and flinging death threats, has this to say (on a student loan exile blog, because of course on a student loan exile blog):

    I’m Rollin’ up to BC to ditch my student loans…and because this country is full of greedy, selfish c*ck suckers…id never raise a family in this country lol…shits gonna be funny when all this debt catches up to Uncle Sam and the taxpayers are left to float the bill.

    I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Mr. White hopes to have student loans at some point in the indefinite future after middle school, but that day is not today.

    Also, in re randallstarr, how on earth can you be a creationist without being gnostic? Enquiring minds and all that.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      this country is full of greedy, selfish c*ck suckers

      He’s projecting.

      AGAIN.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    These dumbshits should keep in mind that vigilante “justice” can work both ways.

    Just sayin’.

    • The Wanderer

      With votes?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Upvoted with the caveat that violence is bad.

    • SayItWithWookies

      My favorite form of vigilante justice involves violating a person’s First Amendment rights by telling him he’s wrong.

      • revenant

        you…you Monster!!!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        It has the utility of driving them even more batshit.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …hey guys, is there anyway you chop the “Shit Fer Brains” sections into more manageable chunks? It feels like someone trying to shove a 22oz steak down my throat!!! The shear “DERP-ITUDE” is amazing. In fact I’m surprised that having this many dumb ass comments in on thread hasn’t caused reality to collapse into a space time singularity.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      That would require a lot of mass, and there’s no substance behind Derp. It is massless.

      • The Wanderer

        So Derp particles are neutrinos?

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          I tried googling Feynman Diagram Derp. Found nothing so far.

          • jmhm

            If you do, I’d very much like to see it, please.

          • cousin itt

            There will be a quiz following.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Bogons.

          • Longstreet63

            I hope they won’t read any of their poetry…

          • jmhm

            Oh, sorry, I didn’t see this til after a refresh. I blame Disqus.

          • jmhm

            Do they write poems?

          • Pinkham’s Law

            You’re thinking of Vogons.

          • jmhm

            Yeah. It was a sad limp attempt at humor. It’s been a long week.

        • kaw143

          Does this line of thinking prove that Quantum Mechanics is stupid? Asking for someone who is tired of having his brain hurt every time Stephen Hawking opens his mouth to explain it.

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          Neutrinos have mass, just not much. You’re thinking of the carrier particle for Stupidity (that most pervasive, long-range, and annoying of the fundamental forces): the Moron.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Nobody said there would be physics!
          Bedtime for Bozon.

      • sadboy

        And it moves faster than anything else and normal thought trying to move as fast as it does appears to gain weight.

    • doktorzoom

      So you’re saying you wish we’d include MORE, right?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        You have MY vote!

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Chew more slowly and cut your troll-chops into smaller bites. I find mushroom sauce also helps the whole mess go down better.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Upvote for the recipe tips!

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …I prefer my troll with a garlic Parmesan vinaigrette

  • Angela Ruzzo

    “Luciferian Zionism rules our world, orchestrated through the devilish
    Cryptocracy achieved by the Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian elite doing
    their dark work on the masses while the Red Shield takes everything you
    have, and the corporate world takes nearly everything our Mother has, or
    had.”

    That is exactly, literally word-for-word, what my schizophrenic cousin Eric says all the time. Maybe randallstarr is Eric. He’s a homeless schizophrenic alcoholic drug addict with a 30-year criminal record, and 2 years ago he tried to kill his 90-yr-old mother twice by feeding her the wrong medication and poisoning her food so he could inherit her house. If this is Eric, I wouldn’t worry too much about him. . . he is terrified of guns and physical violence. He is all talk. Randallstarr probably is too. Unfortunately, there is nowhere for people like Eric to go in this here United States. I tried to get him arrested and committed, but nobody in the legal or justice system could be bothered with him.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Ronald Reagan’s budget cutting by tossing the mentally ill into the streets works its delightful magic again!

      • Msgr_Moment

        The grift that keeps on giving.

      • DemmeFatale

        I think of this all the time.
        A few days ago, during a visit to the local ER, I heard at least three screaming and furious seriously mentally ill people. All were middle-aged, so were probably affected by the Reagan thing. I was truly frightened that they would hurt me, one of the nurses or doctors, or themselves.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I wish I could blame Reagan, but he didn’t actually start this trend. Deinstitutionalization started in the early 70’s when Congress approved and funded the SSI and SSDI programs and psychotropic drugs were in widespread use. Most public psychiatric institutions were closed by the time Reagan was elected.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Reagan cut the funding for all the outpatient stuff. The plan to get many of them out of institutions was sound, IF, and only IF, you provided outpatient services and monitoring.

          Reagan gutted that.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Yes, he certainly did. He gutted everything. I was administering a Manpower Planning grant in 1980 – getting valuable job training for unskilled workers, and it was a very successful program in my state. Regan axed it with 30 days notice, threw hundreds of my clients out of work, all of whom ended up on welfare. It was asinine.

            I personally did not see that the outpatient treatment was very successful in small towns and rural areas. It was not unlike the current methadone treatment clinics – patients may have to travel miles to the closest methadone clinic, and without public transit or personal vehicles they have a high failure rate. Another cousin of mine developed schizophrenia at age 18, and her parents could not rely on her to keep her appointments and take her medication. They lived 20 miles from the nearest outpatient clinic. She frequently disappeared for several years at a time, would turn up pregnant and addicted to street drugs, go back on her psych meds for a while, then disappear as soon as the baby was born, which her parents raised. She did this 3 times in 10 years, producing 3 children born with addictions, all of whom had serious learning disabilities. Her parents have been unable to find a residential center for her for the past 40 years, and she will not stay on her medication.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Does he collect the heads of Barbie dolls and keep them in a little box?

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I stay far away from him, so I don’t know what he collects. But I know he is a pedophile.

    • therblig

      i prefer Cruciferous Zionism – all that kosher kale.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Wasn’t Zioniferous Cruz running for Preznint?

    • SadDemInTex

      I’m so sorry. I know two people who are very mentally ill. One is homeless and one has enough money to have a place. Both are tragically estranged from their families and although both need to be committed nothing can be done.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Isn’t it sad that in “the greatest and most powerful and richest country in the world” (according to patriotic experts) we can’t take care of our mentally ill citizens. It’s embarrassing.

    • kaw143

      A very sad story. Much of our clientele at work are very at risk individuals, and that includes a large percentage of mentally ill people. Some of them know it and are honestly trying the best they can; most of them, however, are just wondering why the rest of the world doesn’t conform to their obviously superior thinking skills.

      I confess, I’m more capable of dealing with them on some days than I am on others. Yesterday was one of those off days and I’m afraid I was very harsh with someone who started to howl at me incoherently. The shock of my howling right back, however, DID actually make them stop. But, I try not to respond with negative reinforcement. I find I get much better long-term results if I treat them like adults who are capable of modulating their behavior.

      This particular county has a particularly bad problem with all of this. One of the largest prisons in the state is located here, and, since there is only one mental health facility in the state, the prison winds up being the de facto place to whcih mentally ill people are sent. And, when these people are released, they have no where else to go. So they stay here until they are arrested the next time. It’s a vicious cycle. It all makes me mad enough to want to dig up Reagan’s corpse so I can stab it repeatedly, and not with votes (because he’s already dead, and it really isn’t possible to wish MORE death on someone).

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I agree with all you say. But don’t blame Reagan for it all – deinstitutionalization started in the early 70’s.

        The problem in my state is that the prisons are already full, and people like my cousin are known to be “problem prisoners” so law enforcement does not want them in their jails and prisons because they cause so much trouble. My cousin really should be in prison, but the police ignore him. I tried everything I could to get him off the streets after he stole my aunt’s savings, tried to kill her several times, has been driving without a license or insurance for 20 years, has assaulted numerous people, has sexually abused several children, and has been banned from most stores in his town for threatening behavior. His arrest record covers 5 pages on our state’s criminal records website, but he never spends more than a day in jail. I think the police are afraid of him. His own parents were afraid of him.

        • kaw143

          Yikes. Very sad story. And, yes, deinstitutionalization did start earlier, but I had been under the impression that Reagan made darn sure it went Federal.

          I wouldn’t know if any of our clients are so far out there, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Reagan did end funding for outpatient clinics that the de-institutionalized patients relied upon and expected the states to pick up the slack, which many failed to do. Mine didn’t. A friend of mine in Louisiana has an adult daughter in her 40’s who is mentally ill, her parents did manage to find her a group home, but she began refusing her medication and causing disturbances and was expelled, and now lives at home again. Parents are in their 70’s and not really able to cope with her. I know another man in Texas who is not only mentally ill, but also has MS and is deaf and partially blind. There is no residential facility for him anywhere in Texas. He is stuck in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s patients and they are overmedicating him to keep him quiet. It’s all very sad.

          • kaw143

            It feels wrong to upfist these observations, but I do appreciate people recognizing the problem.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I know what you mean. It is a very big problem, and getting very little attention.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      I am very sorry to hear about your cousin Eric. This has to be unbelievably difficult for the entire family. Thoughts & prayers, of course, but also votes for Dems, in hopes we can rebuild the social safety net that used to provide at least a little support for people in his situation.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Thanks. Sadly, this problem has existed for 30 years, so the family are pretty burnt out over it and have washed their hands. He is 58 and both his parents are deceased, his immediate family will have nothing to do with him. Except for one uncle who is convinced that if Eric can just accept Jesus, all his problems will be solved. I wish life was that simple.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I wish we had a clicky that, instead of an upvote, gave you a visual of me saying “Yeesh!” because I feel that this situation doesn’t really lend itself to upvoting, but still want to show I care . . . I am quite conflicted.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Thanks. It really is a sad situation, but worst of all, it appears to be hopeless. Hopelessness is a terrible thing, and there are millions of people like Eric, all in hopeless situations of mental illness aggravated by long-term alcoholism and drug addiction.

  • Joshua Norton

    you are prey upon the stupidity of your party — I mean isn’t that how all you losers get elected?

    Whoa! How loud was the wooosh over your head?

    • revenant

      actually, was more like that brown blur when a mouse darts right past you

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Apparently not loud enough for more deaf than a post here to hear it.

    • jmhm

      Can you really get elected after the stupidity eats you?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I wanna know how one can prey upon stupidity, and what the nutritional content of said stupidity is. I mean I’ve heard of preying upon the stupid but not the stupidity itself.

        • kaw143

          Huh. Preying upon the wild stupidity, before it has a chance to infect the stupid. That’s some pretty meta huntin’, right there.

        • Longstreet63

          In the wild, stupidity has more natural predators than rabbits. The most successful are hyenas, who generally approach by pointing and laughing, and then pounce when the Stupid looks to see what’s funny.
          Of course, Stupidity has been long domesticated and has largely vanished from its natural habitat, surviving by finding a symbiotic relationship with humans similar to dogs, cats, or smallpox.

    • cousin itt

      As loud as a black helicopter?

  • cousin itt

    While this week’s trolls were all deserving in their own pathetic way, I would like to call-out that once again, the Uber-Troll, Donald J. Trump rules the radioactive wasteland of the wingnut mind. Sure, he had stiff competition from Nigel Farage and the whole lorry-full of Brexit conmen and yet, Trump continues to troll the world.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I’ve thought about it, and I have decided he isn’t really trolling and he really thinks he will be president. Mostly though to cover up his bad business practices and dip into the public coffers.
      When you realize it is for real and not a hoax, it gets that much scarier.

      • cousin itt

        Maybe he’s a breakfast cereal and a floor wax?

        • revenant

          both of those are, unlike Casino Mussolini, useful

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            heh casino mussolini.

      • folderol

        If Trump actually thought about what it means to be President, the prospect of his election would make him mess himself. But that would require a moment of introspection, which I don’t think he has ever had.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Hard to be introspective when you’ve surrounded by people who tell you what you want to hear.

    • revenant

      First in Whores
      First in Piss
      First in the Farts of His Countrymen

    • AnOuthouse

      Elizabeth Warren is the best troll. Donald can try all he wants but quantity doesn’t make up for quality.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Honestly, she looks good because her competition is so damn lame. Still, she’s artful and incisive.

  • folderol

    Mmmm… barbeque. I’d comment on the rest of the post, but you permanently distracted me. Something Marxist about that, I am almost certain.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hell I could be outside barbecuing some rain, but I think I’ll stay in and plot the Marxist Rosicrucian Ammonite Felliniesque crypto-Dadaist takeover of the nation. Let’s see, I need some paint, a dropcloth, a salad shooter, some of those metal flex ducts, about 3,000 marbles, a smoke machine and a gallon of fluoride. Okay, gotta go shopping.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I am moderately curious what the salad shooter is for. Unless it is because even revolutionaries need a healthy lunch.

      • cousin itt

        I’m guessing the marbles are ejected out of Caribou Barbie’s head thing?

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I thought the marbles were for making the elephants skitter around?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Oh, you’ll find out — you’ll alllllllll find out — mwahahahaha!

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          I can’t wait… Oh, this oughta be good!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Flounder can probably help you with the marbles.

    • Pickwicknext

      Can’t we just play True American and Calvinball until we’re all drunk and falling down?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        So, another day that ends in Y, amiright?

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Oh, you should get some of those light bulbs that meet the new efficiency standards!

    • kaw143

      “Get me a plunger and some cheese!”

      https://youtu.be/v0BbwKuvuX8?t=21m40s

    • Doug Langley
  • Walter Wellstone

    Let’s play the facts game with this little piece of shit: “He said that rapists comprised a large percentage of ILLEGAL Mexican immigrants, who often have a record on both sides of the border. THESE ARE FACTS.” My question is, what’s a “large percentage”? Got any stats? If you don’t, shut the fuck up and sit your pathetic, sorry ass down. The only fact you’re pointing to is that Drumpf said that, not that what he said is true.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They’re “facts” if they issue from Drumpf’s pie hole.

      Just like his team of investigators who are still working on Obama’s birth certificate.

      • jmhm

        Except he’d have to show me where Trump did say that.

        What I heard Trump say is that Mexico is doing essentially what the cuban government did during the Mariel boatlift, taking advantage of large-scale migration to send criminals across the border for us to deal with. Which there’s sort of no stats for, as far as I know, since nobody else thinks it’s happening.

        • jwtukker

          That’s the problem with these fuckaroonies. They get all paranoid and focused on shit nobody else thinks is happening. Or cares for that matter.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Why ruin a perfectly good narrative with actual facts and such when you can make up numbers on a meme?

          • jmhm

            and if those phantom mexican criminals did come up here, they’d have to stay under the radar. So, that would pretty much limit their potential victims to a community where they could hide in plain sight, full of people who can’t afford to throw the lives they’ve built away by bringing in the police.

            IOW, if they exist, they’re preying on other mexican immigrants.

          • H0mer0

            after reading that huffpo article about Jane Doe and Tiffany Doe, it seems that the Donald trashes the Messicans because he doesn’t like the competition.

          • jmhm

            I don’t understand. Are you suggesting that a man who tried to civic-mindedly move schizophrenic homeless people into a building with no security to drive out senior citizens on rent control is in favor of intimidation tactics? Perish the thought.

  • ViveLaRes

    I’d love to hear you write an article…

    Hmmm. What exactly are you doing while you’re writing articles that would be so much fun to listen in on?

    • kaw143

      Well, Evan is gay. You know how they are.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I’d love to hear you write an article……

      The. definitely.
      A. indefinitely.

      Oh, and I think it’s A article.

    • SisterArtemis

      tap tap… tap tap tap…. tap click tap tap tap…. tap

  • geoffalnutt

    Hold on! Isn’t Rosicrusia an unsightly skin condition brought on by a lack of snark in the diet?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    OT, but stupid comment related: I got a call this morning from a local radio DJ who is putting together a 4th of July show to broadcast tomorrow. “What is the most patriotic song you have recorded?” Hmmm…well, back when Dubya invaded Iraq, we cut a cover of the the old Hazel Dickens anti-war song, “Will Jesus Wash The Bloodstains From Your Hands”.

    DJ: “That sounds like a protest song.”
    Me: “It is a protest song.”
    DJ: “We want a patriotic song.”
    Me: “It is a patriotic song.”
    DJ: “How can a protest song be patriotic?”
    Me: $#@&^yourmother)&*%@!^+withvotes!”

    You get the idea. Fuck me.

  • Suse

    We have a totally cool Rosicrucian museum near by in San Jose. http://www.egyptianmuseum.org/

    • proudgrampa

      Used to live in San Jose, and I thought that was the coolest place in the whole Bay Area. The tour of the replica Egyptian tomb was awesome.

    • kaw143

      Oooooh! That’s definitely something I want to do if I ever get around to visiting my friends who live there.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Do you know the way to San Jose?
        *flees*

        • AntiDerpomeme

          In a week, maybe two, they’ll make you a star!

        • Suse

          There’s a secret route known only to the cabal.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Global Cabal. Makes it more impressive. we’re eeevvererrryyyywwwwhhhheeerrreeeee

          • Parchment Scroll

            I always liked “New Secular Order”. Got outvoted in committee, sadly.

        • kaw143

          Take a left turn at Albuquerque?

          • Painter of Goats

            Only if you’re heading north.

          • kaw143

            This is all very confusing, just to watch some has-beens washing cars and pumping gas. . .

          • Msgr_Moment

            OTOH, where else can you put a hundred down and buy a car?

        • Doug Langley

          Take the Dallas Walmart tunnel to Denver, then the Walmart tunnel to Vegas, and there’s a Walmart tunnel straight through to the Bay area.

          • revenant

            a chip in your Obamaphone verifies your bonafides and pays your toll

        • Pinkham’s Law

          I’ve been away so long, so long, so very long . . .

        • Querolous

          “*flees*?” Are you going to San Francisco?

      • Suse

        You can also see the Winchester Mystery House while you’re there.

        • Pickwicknext

          I want to go to there. Wonkette field trip?

          • Suse

            Fun idea!

          • Msgr_Moment

            What’s their pants policy?

          • Suse

            Open carry.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            That could get….snarky.

  • theCryptofishist

    I want to assure everyone that there is no such thing as “devilish
    Cryptocracy” and that you are under no danger from such.

    • ViveLaRes

      Thank you for saving us a month of research.

      • revenant

        that’s just what he wants us to believe

        • ViveLaRes

          I was about to google DevilFISH Cryptocracy so at least that got cleared up.

    • Longstreet63

      I, too, would like to assure everyone that there is no such thing as “devilish
      Cryptocracy” and that you are under no danger from such.

      I am merely making a statement of reassurance, as humans do.

      • kaw143

        I love this line of reasoning. It is better than Cats. I will see it again and again.

      • Querolous

        I work and I sleep and I dance and I’m dead
        I’m eatin, I’m laughin and I’m loving myself
        I never watch tv except when I’m stoned
        Like humans do

  • ViveLaRes

    But you retreat from the debate when you call your opponent names.

    So says the supporter of the only candidate who runs his scampaign entirely by making up derogatory names for all his opponents.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The recognition of irony is not a strong suit with these people.

      • willi0000000

        irony??? . . . for lots of those people, laundry is a concept that escapes them.

  • Eurofuhrer

    I look forward to making this list some time in the near future. Do you just delete the comments, or do you ban them as well?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Didn’t you know? We’re part of the Global Cabal. You know precisely how we deal with…things.

      • Suse

        My turn to host the meeting next week. I’ll be serving those cakes we like.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          yay! Pants optional?

          • Pickwicknext

            No. No pants ever

          • ViveLaRes

            Cuz seriously, who wants to belong to a vile nasty fully-clothed snark mob?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Right? You ain’t doin it right if you got pants on.

          • Vienna Woods

            Wear your nice blazer, though.

          • Longstreet63

            With a turtleneck sweater. The 70s were the true height of fashion…

        • Pinkham’s Law

          Will there also too be cedar cheese on the cheese tray?

          • Suse

            But of course, along with the little Jesus crackers.

    • TJ Barke

      Depends on how nasty/irritating you wanna get.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Does not matter, TJ. I have it on very good authority that not only do we libtards always agree on absolutely everything, we can’t stand allowing people who do not meet our standards be. Global Cabal/2016

        • jmhm

          Makes you wonder why we even held a primary.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            It was a front to fool the uninitiate, or something. Still working that one out.

          • jmhm

            Maybe we’re only mostly monolithic with repressed bilithic tendencies? Although I prefer to think of myself as otherly obelisked.

    • Suse

      You’re new in town, aren’t you?

  • Parchment Scroll

    Normally, I read these with a bit of disappointment that I missed the fun. This time I am forcibly reminded that I double-checked randallstar’s account to make sure he wasn’t my ex-boss.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    “…the Marxist approach of lying to the people because the ends justify the means.”

    Paging Shirley Sherrod, paging Shirley Sherrod, there’s a polar bear on line one for you who wants to discuss how global warming is just a hoax. After you’re done with that call, John McCain’s out of wedlock, African American, child would like to discuss Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate with you. Also, you’ve got some school children, and Arthur Laffer waiting, and they’d like to talk to you about the glories of Reaganomics.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Always projection with these people.

      Always.

      • kaw143

        And never something fun, like Star Wars. Always plodding, poorly made, very serious three hour epics on subjects no one is interested in.

      • bozilingus

        How come no one uses this one anymore?

        • Msgr_Moment

          That’s the finest projection equipment I’ve seen in days.

          • bozilingus

            Bell & Howllll!

          • folderol

            I’m starting to project a little just looking at that fine equipement

        • Sardonicuss

          “You’ll put an eye out with those things!”

          • Msgr_Moment

            Well, if the room temp gets too low.

          • DemmeFatale

            Back in the day, I was a waitress, and our boss required that “us gals” wear leotards. (Remember the Danskin craze?)
            The cooks used to call me “Therms,” and make remarks about how cold the dining room was.

          • Justno

            Ugh.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Well, that is what meat thermometers do.

          • bozilingus

            She’s got an Erector Set.

        • willi0000000

          i try to keep up but there are just so many candidates i can’t always narrow the field fast enough for a timely Sabrina Award.

          [ . . . and overuse of Sabrina could cause health problems* ]

          * like hyperfolliculate palms

        • JH Marx

          Sabrina has the finest projection equipment!!11!1!

  • tehbaddr

    Randallstarr’s head is wound up so tight, I wouldn’t surprised if cogs and springs started flying out his various orifi!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      At least he can spell! That sets him apart from most of the wingnuts.

      • Suse

        I believe there was some incorrect your/you’re usage and apostrophe abuse going on.

        • kaw143

          WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE APOSTROPHES?

          • Suse

            I think of them ALL of the time. The rampant abuse makes me stabby.

          • willi0000000

            is “they’ren’t” a good contraction for “they are not” . . . and whyn’t?

  • AntiDerpomeme

    OT, I’m starting to feel a little bad for Iceland right now.

    • The Wanderer

      (looks) Oh, shit.

    • TJ Barke

      Yeah, they don’t really have any trees…

      • AntiDerpomeme

        But they do have a glut of amazingly good-looking people. Such good genes!

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          And all those hot springs

        • TJ Barke

          And supposedly these mythical sexually aggressive women I’ve heard good things about…

          • Pickwicknext

            You’ve been talking to one for a while

          • TJ Barke

            But I’ve never encountered one in person… At least as far as I know…

        • And a gene pool so small they have an app to make sure they aren’t committing incest accidentally.

          • TJ Barke

            So good news for tourists then.

          • Longstreet63

            That must make closing time at the bar…interesting…

      • pstockholm

        Last thing they need is Heklas. Just leave them alone.

        • TJ Barke

          Oak-ay.

        • malsperanza

          Trying to come up with an Eyjafjallajökull pun in response. Give me a minute.

          Haha. Just jökulling.

    • berkeleyfarm

      Just checked ESPN. Yeeeoowwwwch.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Yeah…didn’t think they would win, but hoped it would be a competitive match.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        I’m pulling for France, but I too would have liked a tighter match. The other quarter-finals have been really good.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          They have been good. ThatsIt told me he almost had a heart attack during the Germany/Italy match!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Yeah, with their fermented shark and their “Black Death”.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      ICELAND SCORES!

    • malsperanza

      They’ve made it really far, though.

      I lost interest after Italy fucked up yesterday. Goddamn Germans.

      Iceland reminds me of the one year when I was actually able to go to some Mundial games: 1990. The heroes were Cameroon, with a 38-year-old striker and a 35-year-old goalie. I was living in Italy then, and it’s not an exaggeration to say that everyone was rooting for Cameroon to go all the way (well, to the finals anyhow).

  • Suse

    What about the guy who was trashing we libtards on transgender issues, then sort of implied he was transgender? Who was that?

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Caitlyn Jenner?

      • Suse

        Irresponsible not to speculate…

    • efoveks

      James was his name.

      • Suse

        Right. Thanks. He was… interesting.

        • efoveks

          I think he was a fake. When he (James) referred to trans woman Misty as “he”, my spidey senses went off. There is no way that someone who has also been through all that refers to a transitioned person by their wrongly-wrappered sex (if that makes sense).

          • Suse

            It does.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            It was a total faker fake liar pants.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    …someone looked at randallstarr’s comment history…

    I did too, but I didn’t stay very long.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4d3e78e962ddb127db108b81a8e1a9ed6f9c087c51423875e815b52aa3065a55.gif

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Honest question: if some of these ragey forced-birthers hate liberals so much, why would they want to force us to reproduce?

    • Malmborg Implano

      Because God said that women must bring forth children in pain.

      • efoveks

        That’s cuz we have big headed babies. Believe it or not, science fact. American Scientist had an article about it last year.

      • Painter of Goats

        Isn’t listening to these bozos painful enough?

      • Msgr_Moment

        Well then, maybe God should have to undergo childbirth. Through his penis.

      • Sydney

        Especially if they are slutty sluts.

        ◔_◔

        • Suse

          women = sluts

        • malsperanza

          Nice emoji. What is the symbol used for the eyes?

          • Sydney

            I dunno. I copy and paste it whenever I use it.

          • H0mer0

            [“those are pearls that were his eyes”]

  • Sydney

    I was reading LawNewz the other day and commented on an article regarding Monday’s SC decision and how it would impact Missouri’s own abortion laws.
    Some nutcase name latched onto a few of my comments and I was called all sorts of things. Appealing to logic and providing information in a respectful way didn’t seem to assuage his rantings.
    After a few comments I decided to bow out and I offered up a blessed July 4th…and that sent him into another spin. Now that was funny.

    • malsperanza

      I had a fascinating exchange with some nitwits on the New Orleans Times-Picayune comments page recently, having to do with the concept of equal protection as articulated in the Constitution. For the fun of it, I remained friendly and warm in tone, inviting them to celebrate with me the glory that is the US Constitution. They kept demanding proof. So I pasted (with links) citations on the 14th Amendment from the SCOTUS blog, and from various eminent Constitutional scholars.

      The response was: you’re not giving your own arguments. You’re just copypasting from other people. Your argument is invalid.

      I’m fascinated by this. People have now got it deeply ingrained that copypasting is plagiarism, and “doesn’t count.” The concept of citing sources and experts (including the actual Constitution) has been wrecked by (I think) schoolteachers’ efforts to get their students to try original thinking rather than copying.

      It was that peculiar combo of funny and depressing that is the salient feature of Internet conversation.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Where is your proof?
        *gives proof*
        That is not your own words so how can it be proof?

        • malsperanza

          Prezackly.

        • Suse

          You can’t handle the proof!

      • Sydney

        That is odd. . . asking for proof and then rejecting your citations.

      • BloviateMe

        Makes the bibliography easy:

        Me

        • revenant

          I, Me, and My Ass

          • H0mer0

            [and my monkey-NEVER FORGET!]

      • kaw143

        How are you supposed to “prove” a point about the Constitution, if you aren’t allowed to cite the Constitution?

        …Oh, wait. I think I just figured out how this wingnut thing works. . .

  • Bad Granny

    Almost everything annoys me, but only a very few things make me angry. “Pro-life” preachers of death piss me off in a special way, maybe wrongly, because it’s personal to me.

    I have bitched about it to y’all before, and I’m fixin’ to bitch about it again. My kid works for the only reproductive justice organization in the state. They not only champion body autonomy, but also well-child, clean water (it’s hard to have a healthy pregnancy when the water is literally poisonous), birth control education and access, disease prevention, and family support services measures. She went without a day off for six weeks this spring, running nonpartisan GOTV drives in three cities because she wants everybody to be represented. While those assholes are harassing poor women just trying to get into the clinic, or are humping their guns and dreaming of killin’ a few lefties, she’ll be spending the rest of the summer running a child nutrition program in the poorest county of one of the poorest states in the nation, paid for by demonic liberals. This is the same young woman whose picture was tweeted out by a “pro-lifer” so his charming friends could get off on wishing her death. Fuck them.

    • Sydney

      Unconscionable

    • BosGrl

      You daughter rocks, period. Please thank her on behalf of my family.

    • efoveks

      You give her a hugeass hug & THANK YOU from me. :)

    • janecita

      Your daughter sounds like an amazing woman.

    • Tiria

      Your kid sounds fantastic. Well done on you for raising a superhero.

    • malsperanza

      Looking forward to the day when police depts. and the courts manage to figure out that doxxing with intent to harm and swatting are actual crimes.

      They seem kinda slow on that. I’m sure the fact that so many targeted people happen to be women has nothing to do with it.

      • Parchment Scroll

        How is it that SWATting isn’t treated seriously? It’s only a matter of time before an overzealous officer kills someone.

        • malsperanza

          A couple of people have already been badly injured. Local law enforcement is not very up to speed on swatting, which has mostly been the province of the FBI. There are few state laws higher than a misdemeanor. So the only swatters who have faced serious charges are those who have committed a federal crime by calling across state or international borders to commit the swat, or whose swat can be charged under terrorism laws.

          Of course, the unspoken part of the story is that local law enforcement should not include SWAT teams composed of undertrained, adrenaline-pumped, over-armed jackasses.

          • Parchment Scroll

            Of course, then you run into the critical distinction between “should not” and “do not”.

          • kimberlyrsingley

            <<u.
            ✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:✸✸✸✸✸:::::::!bk1104er:….,….

        • HazooToo

          It’s just a prank, done by someone on the internet, and those are never deadly, and also, internet sleuthing is hard, so get off their backs, whydoncha? Just wimmens being all panicky and periody, anyway.

      • jmhm

        Probably about the time that someone notices that they didn’t get to a real emergency on time, and in the resulting furor some clever reporter publishes how much they’re spending on false alarms.

    • Suse

      Bad Granny’s Kid 2016!

    • OddMan

      I would say that Ms. Bad Granny is not such a bad granny after all. A pretty damn good mother and grandmother.
      You tell that wonderful young lady that there are a lot of odd Wonkette readers that think she is a hell of a good human being.

    • nightmoth

      From all of us: thank her for her service!
      And granny, you done good.

  • janecita

    Randallstarr, surely wrote a lot of shit just to say that the Jews and the Illuminati control the global economy. Dude, we already know, the Illuminati queen Beyonce is our supreme leader and George Soros is our only God!

    • malsperanza

      Bey is Jewish? Wow, that explains SO MANY THINGS.

      • janecita

        Not Jewish, just (according to that genius, Alex Jones) a leading member of the Illuminati.

        • phoenix00

          She is married to Jay-Z. AWKWARD

    • Reddishrabbit

      Well, the checks Soros sends us helps.

      • janecita

        Yes, it does. How else would we be able to buy those cakes we like?

  • Sardonicuss

    “Space..the final frontier….”
    “It’s only a model…”
    “Shhh”
    https://youtu.be/KkdLcFJAc0Y

    • BosGrl

      That is so cool.

    • Pickwicknext

      Just like Star Trek!

      • Sardonicuss

        Well, exactly like Star Trek really.. Since that is the original.

    • Longstreet63

      Hey, I think that’s a fake! The original was destroyed at Genesis!

      • Sardonicuss

        How did they get Shatner’s head in there?

        • kaw143

          They used the original girdle from the series?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          You’d need a full scale Death Star for Shatner’s head…

          • Skadi

            Well, he IS the Big Giant Head.

  • I’m offended by the gratuitous use of Pony arse in the header image.

    • TJ Barke

      It’s called plot.

    • SisterArtemis

      Gosh, and I thought this was creepy:

    • Suse

      That is very disturbing!

    • Justno

      Aaaack!

  • Vienna Woods

    OT: Chuck Todd committed journalism!!
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/?country=US

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Say it isn’t so!!

    • Suse

      Will wonders never cease?

    • kaw143

      The link just takes me to the HUffPo front page. Am I clicking wrong?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Me too. And I read the comments. WHY???

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      What? No way. I’m callin’ bullshit. (Reads article)
      Well, okay. A change is always nice.

    • The Wanderer

      Well, even a broken clock’s right twice a day.

  • malsperanza

    Randall Starr isn’t half the journalist his sister Brenda is.

    • Suse

      But is he worse than his prosecutor brother Ken?

    • Nor the outlaw his Auntie Belle was.

      • Suse

        And not as good a drummer as Uncle Ringo.

        • yyyaz

          Neither a true Starr, nor a genius.
          — T. Rundgren

        • phoenix00

          A Hard Day’s Night inside The Yellow Submarine?

        • Querolous

          Or a QB like brother Bart.

    • Doug Langley

      I’m confused. Is Death his cousin or his uncle?

      • Suse

        His cousin, his uncle, his cousin, his uncle…

        • natoslug

          Forget it Jake, it’s Derpytown.

  • Spotts1701

    Meanwhile, for those who love watching Republicans choke on their own words, Fortune has assembled a nice collection of former Anti-Trump GOPers who are now all aboard the Donald’s train.

    • kaw143

      This is in NO WAY a flip-flop. Only stupid liberals EVER do that.

    • Vienna Woods
      • janecita

        Is Christie grabbing Donald’s tiny dick in that picture?

        • Skadi

          Hold me closer, Tiny Donald!

          • yyyaz

            Meh. He’s had a busy day today.

          • Seek

            Count the head lice on the highway

          • Suse

            lmao!

          • The Wanderer

            LMAO

          • The Wanderer

            Bwahahahahahahah!

        • bookish

          I wondered the same thing.

        • phoenix00

          He thought it was food!

      • Sydney
      • Suse

        Eeeewww! Khristy Kreme has no shame whatsoever in being Drumpf’s houseboy.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Is Christie going to bite Trumplethinskin?

        • HazooToo

          Do you even KNOW how long it’s been since he had an Oreo?!

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            I like to think he switched to the yellowy ones so Trumplethinskin wouldn’t see the evidence caught in his teeth.

      • Longstreet63

        Christie has found his True Master at last. It was hard at first, living the lifestyle he’d only dabbled in before, but Donald had shown him, not always willingly, what exquisite delight was possible in his smothering, masterly embrace. And now he willingly locked his own cage at night, content beyond contentment to release his troublesome volition…

        • Suse

          CC is the Renfield to Drumpf’s Dracula.

          • Longstreet63

            Yes, the Renfield from the 1931 Dracula that was so creepy that it ruined Dwight Frye’s career…

        • The Wanderer

          So Trump knows Power Exchange?

      • Jamoche

        When I’ve seen that scene in movies, it usually means the guy on the left has just been shivved.

        • SisterArtemis

          with votes?

      • The Wanderer

        Hastur’s Hairpiece, that’s almost unseemly. Christie, dude! Act like a fucking adult, you dick!

        • Querolous

          Adult?

          • The Wanderer

            LOL

      • revenant

        where are Gov. Christie’s hands?

        • phoenix00

          reaching for apple pie?

        • Reddishrabbit

          Don’t ask don’t tell works for some things.

    • malsperanza

      Pfft. Everyone knows Fortune magazine is an organ of the neo-Marxist liberal left.

  • malsperanza

    Imma go out on a limb and say that rightwing lunatic trolls are more fun than berniebust leftwing trolls.

    They are more fanciful and baroque, and they have more flair. True, berniebusters are really expert flouncers, but they are so dour and whysoserious. And also kind of wet-puppy sad.* It takes a lot more poking to get them to explode in a shower of colorful sparkles.

    *ETA: or sad-puppy wet, in some cases.

    • HazooToo

      Berniebros also make me sad, because they think that how they act is actually honorable. Like it’s a GOOD thing to shit all over your opponents, no matter how ideologically similar they are to your Angel of a candidate. Like they should be proud of that.

      • SisterArtemis

        so many special snowflakes…. so few purist candidates…

    • Msgr_Moment

      “All Berniebros are alike; each lunatic troll is lunatic in its own way.”
      ― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

  • folderol

    “Luciferian Zionism rules our world, orchestrated through the devilish Cryptocracy achieved by the Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian elite doing their dark work on the masses while the Red Shield takes everything you have, and the corporate world takes nearly everything our Mother has, or had.”

    Whoa, whoa, whoa! As a member of the Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian elite, I thought we were doing the work of the Illuminati and Opus Dei! When did THAT change? Do I have to read every freaking monthly newsletter to keep up? Who has time nowadays? Especially when on top of all that, I have to do this Cryptocracy thing, which involves computing hyperbolic cosines every time I want to send a coded message to Hillary. Leaves me very little time for polo.

    • Last Hussar

      there was a memo. You signed the circulation list. You ARE reading these, a not just signing off, aren’t you?

      • BloviateMe

        Makes you wonder, dunnit?

        I bet I know *who* won’t be there for the War on Christmas kick-off meeting.

        • Last Hussar

          Have we organised the War On Christmas (TM) dinner-dance yet? You know how early places get booked up for December.

          • folderol

            I’d go, but I can never seem to find a willing date. And an unwilling date can be such a drag. Literally, sometimes.

          • Longstreet63

            I know what you mean. Every time I start to enjoy the conversation, I have to inject another tranquilizer…

          • Msgr_Moment

            This is the worst organized Cabal I’ve ever been in.

          • Suse

            We’d better get to cracking on the War On St. Swithin’s day, which is July 15.

          • revenant

            the Committee says they have everything well in hand, but a lot of their paperwork is still in transit, supposedly
            frankly, i don’t know why we bother anymore

          • FauxAntocles

            Crap, it comes earlier every year.

          • Reddishrabbit

            It’s just so hard to get everyone schedule to arrange it. And then the crypto invites are such a pain. I remember when the war on Christmas was so much less complex.

          • Sardonicuss

            The trick is: Ravens. The somehow know where to go every time. Its weird.

          • bobbert

            Yes, it used to be plain imaginary.

          • willi0000000

            i like my war on xmas like i like my numbers . . . imaginary!

          • OddMan

            You’re just being complex.

        • phoenix00

          The Flying Spaghetti Monster?

          Fruitcake and pine needles do not agree with him….

      • folderol

        Does EVERYTHING have to be so damned encrypted? Can’t we just use a simple substitution cipher, like ISIS does? I don’t have any trouble reading THEIR memos.

        • Suse

          Isn’t Liz Warren a Navajo code talker?

    • yyyaz

      Those Luciferian virgin impregnations aren’t going to get done by themselves either. That’s why I’m so excited that my thousand clones are approaching adulthood.

      • Painter of Goats

        Point of clarification: are virgins or the impregnators Luciferian?

        • The Wanderer

          I’d say the impregnators.

          • Longstreet63

            As a cost control measure, the virgins will be provided by a new vendor, Virgin Services, LLC. Impregnation will be performed at their offsite warehouse.
            All designated impregnators will receive appropriate documentation on collection and shipping of product. Please remember to use dry ice and seal the packaging carefully.

          • yyyaz

            I approve of this memo. Stop by my office (after hours, natch) and we’ll go over your quarterly review.

          • phoenix00
          • The Wanderer

            “Dear Sir,
            Consignments of women arriving from England are not up to War Department standard. We are enclosing several that went off during the voyage.
            As you know, soldiers consider women sacred. Please expedite.
            Yours,
            Major Dennis Bloodnok, First Offense Fusiliers.”

        • kaw143

          Both. It’s twice the fun, that way.

        • yyyaz

          All impregnators are certified Luciferians, minimum Ring Grade 6a.

        • phoenix00

          Yes.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Have you started your response to the Republican response to Hillary’s first State of the Union address yet? I started mine last week, but I’m already feeling the pressure, what with the War on Christmas starting earlier and earlier every damn year.

      • folderol

        No, I’ve been placed on backup Libertarian response responses this season. As if Gary Johnson is ever gonna get elected. But who can be sure of anything this election?

        • Zhu Bajie

          Libertarians are sounding more rational than the Republicans! Strange days indeed!

          • revenant

            only for the first five minutes

      • Parchment Scroll

        Look, I am sick of all these complaints about the War on Christmas schedule. We’ve gone over this multiple times. In order to maintain our proactive stance on holiday repurposing, we have to get in ahead of the demand. Or do you want to have another Boxing Day Incident?

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Incidentally, is anybody handicapping the referendum for Great Britain to exit Boxing Day, popularly known as Broxit? The last I heard, 58% in favor were against it and 56% of those against it were for it and nobody could define what “it” is.

      • kaw143

        You stopped fighting the War on Christmas after last Christmas?

        Dude, you better hope the boss isn’t reading this!

      • phoenix00

        but… but…. but…. Jeb is going to win!

    • natoslug

      I think my garden gnomes are members of the Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian elite, but am not quite sure. Is there a Gnostic Gnomic chapter?

      • folderol

        There is, but it’s not known by that name. There is a mnemonic for the Gnostic Gnomes, which I don’t recall.

        • yyyaz

          Easy, peasy: It’s “anemone.”
          (a)Gnostic
          Gnomes
          every
          Monday,
          other
          Gnomes
          Everyday

      • Suse

        I’m a member of the Gnarly Gnus Local 273.

      • revenant

        of them, we do not speak

      • Incoming Ham

        I think so. They have a band.

        • Werewolf

          Shmebulock!

        • Msgr_Moment

          Are they related to the caganers?

          • OddMan

            I am fascinated by Caganers. The little ceramic poopers are hidden in Catalan Christmas Nativity scenes and there are thousands of different ones. The most popular for tourists are Obama and Trump.
            Thanks Msgr_Moment.

      • Querolous

        Yes and they can join if they are Gneiss Gnomes.

    • Longstreet63

      I’m afraid if you haven’t been read into that, it may mean that you’ll be getting a separate packet regarding the reorganization. In keeping with best practices, the organization has made a commitment to focus on our core conspiracies and to rightsize those functions that can be economically provided by vendors, thus driving shareholder satisfaction and improved ROI.
      For those affected, lateral transfers will be offered where consistent with the mission statement, or if this is not possible, then a generous severance* will be offered. You will be notified if you are in an affected category by August 31, 2016.

      *Prorated salary only, COBRA available, 2 Months for managers above Conspiracy Level 4B, all others 2 Days. Noncompete and Nondisclosure Agreements mandatory. See Human Resources Web Site for full details.

      • Sardonicuss

        Anybody else get this memo:

        “Gozer the Traveller, he will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldronaii, the Traveller came as a large and moving Torb! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex Supplicants they chose a new form for him… that of a Giant Sloar! many Shubs and Zulls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar that day I can tell you.”

        So he’s coming as a Torb?….again!

        • folderol

          I hear that his Klibex has calcified. The poor old rotter!

        • Suse

          Beware the Borogoves and the Slithey Toves!

          • yyyaz

            Wait, isn’t it Brillig this week?

        • revenant

          again? sheez… nobody told me it was gonna be like this.., naw, it was all “Power over your enemies” this and “clouding the minds of the simple” that, nobody ever mentioned bloody Torbs

          • Lamashtar

            You should join Hydra. They have a good dental plan.

        • SisterArtemis

          Is this another one of Melisandre’s prophecies for Season 7?

        • Longstreet63

          As a cost-control measure, the Sloar this year will be replaced by a demon.
          A sheep demon.
          Ok, a sheep.
          OK, Our Intern Dave in a sheep costume.
          All right, an empty sheep costume.
          Fine, A woolen sock. Get back to work.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Rosicrucianism in pursuit of Cryptocracy is no virtue, and Masonism in pursuit of Dixonism is no ….. Uh … Different!

      • Lamashtar

        I was told the corruption in Masonism would reach total capacity once we interfaced the extremity of the Dixonism membrane into the Canadian Eschaton intercommunally! Only then can Masonic subnational entities reach pure homogeneity! :( Did my recruiter, Senator Claghorn, lie to me?

    • revenant

      rumor has it that next month we’re switching over to hyperBARic cosines, and brother, those are nooo fun. better keep an eye on your mail drop, cause you know how The Dread Master can get if He thinks you’re not keeping up

  • Sardonicuss

    Okay. 3:30, holiday sunday.
    Put the keg in the kegerator yesterday, temp check ..perfect 34 degrees. 10 iced pint glasses in freezer check.
    Grilled burgers yesterday, so it’s brats or bbq chicken….brats is is, chicken tomorrow.
    First draw on new keg. CO2 pressure perfect.
    We are go for launch……

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      You have a kegerator? Dude …… Awesome.

      • Sardonicuss

        I just refer to it as “my precious”.

    • Suse

      You’re supposed to invite the entire class to the party.

      • Sardonicuss

        Well, I thought I sent those out (looks around shuffles paper..).
        Pretty sure ..yeah those went out last week…

    • kaw143

      Yes, but what keg is in the kegerator? Please let it be something I don’t like so I can stop being jealous.

      • Sardonicuss

        Actually, it’s Boulevard Wheat. Something a little lighter for the summer. Less hoppy than the IPA’s I usually get…but it’s only this months flavor.

        • kaw143

          A keg lasts you a whole month? You’re not trying!

          *has no idea how much beer is in a keg.

          Meanwhile, if I had a kegerator, I would just rotate stuff from these guys:

          http://www.macandjacks.com/

          They are refusing to bottle, so far, and it makes it a special treat, as a result.

          • Sardonicuss

            It’s a little over 15 gallons which translates into.. .a shit ton?
            Anyway, uninvited jerkwads show up and consume some of it. Fortunately they are light weights and cheap dates all…

          • kaw143

            The googlz tells me that’s 1984 ounces. Doing the math, that’s … a lot of pints. Also, a hell of a George Orwell reference, since I’m certain that was on purpose.

          • Sardonicuss

            Yeah. I know. I try not to think about it…keeps my liver on it’s toes.

          • revenant

            your liver has toes?

            sooo jealous

          • Sardonicuss

            The secret is: You attack it without warning. Like Kato in the Pink Panther!

          • Sardonicuss

            Victory!

        • phoenix00

          APPROVE.

          • Sardonicuss

            It’s “Magically Delicious”!

        • mancityfooty .

          Boulevard?
          Now I have to ask (since I’m suspiciously close to KC), why not Free State?

          • Sardonicuss

            It may not be available in my area. Plus: I like Boulevard. Been drinking it in various forms for years. It used to be the house tap beer in many really good pizza establishments in the upper midwest.

          • mancityfooty .

            It’s probably not. Free State doesn’t have the brewing that Boulevard has.
            I will give props for our other local brewery, though.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Free State is-or was-owned by the ex-wife a a musician friend of mine here in AZ.

          • mancityfooty .

            I am at a loss.
            6 degrees of separation and all that.
            Let them know (if you want) that they’re bottling now.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Yeah, I found Free State on the same swing that I found Boulevard (hint: I’m always on the lookout for breweries). It had a good vibe…couple guys playing guitar/mandolin duets, same stuff I play with my bestie back here. Good beer. So yeah, I’ll keep an eye out for bottles.

          • mancityfooty .
          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I happened on Boulevard going through KC when they were just getting started. They only recently began shipping their beer to AZ. Their farmhouse ale and tart sour is among the best around right now.

          • Sardonicuss

            Oh yes. They do a lot of really good seasonal stuff too. Their fall ales are really excellent.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            As with Free State, there was such a great vibe at Boulevard. No tap room to speak of, but super nice folks…really sweet girl overserving guests that of course I got a mad crush on. It was a cool part of town..still a little rough at the time. Glad to find out they are doing well. They’re really widely distributed here now, so I’ll get a chance to try out all of their stuff. Always cool to find like-minded folks….

          • Sardonicuss

            I don’t know when they actually started, but I started seeing them as the kind of the house tap beer in restaurants from..say Omaha to Minneapolis to Denver in the mid nineties.
            When I got my kegerator, 10 years ago?, I just started getting their stuff because they were available….but, the thing is, they are old enough to have good quality control, and haven’t been absorbed by the Inbevs yet. Plus their wheat is just flat out a good beer…and the seasonal stuff.
            I have sampled about everything from Houston to Seattle…and I still go back to that KC beer for my daily drink on…

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Inbev is evil…they have really restrictive distributorship deals to fuck over the small guys. They just bought one of the older, better, and more successful microbreweries in Phx., Four Peaks. Like Boulevard, a place with a great ambiance.

    • phoenix00

      There better be quality fermented malts and hops inside that keg

    • Msgr_Moment

      You mean launch as in liquid oxygen barbecue?
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sab2Ltm1WcM

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Well, the recipe DID say to “char quickly over high heat.”

      • willi0000000

        that’s the kind of thing that happens when you dare engineers to do it faster.

      • doktorzoom

        That may have been one of the very first videos I ever saw on the internets…possibly even pre-WWW.

  • SnarkOff

    Ok so one of the commenters believes it is wrong to say “asshole,” (using a**hole instead, for etiquette), but totally fine to wish colon cancer on a stranger, as long as that wish is followed by a winky-face emoticon.

    • Longstreet63

      Well, you know, CHILDREN might be reading…

    • folderol

      Just kidding about the a**hole rot! Have a nice day!

      • SnarkOff

        Peace out!!!

      • Msgr_Moment

        I forget. Does a**hole rot come from watering it too much or too little? I wish I had a green thumb.

    • phoenix00

      How you can tell the good Christians from the not-so-good ones.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    I can’t remember if the Zionist International controls the Bilderbergers or if it’s George Soros or Lord Rothchild who’s the antichrist.

    • SnarkOff

      That’s because They don’t want you to remember.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Oh good. I was afraid it was the drugs.

        • Beulah

          It is the drugs. The ones they put in fluoridated water to control your thoughts.

          • kaw143

            No, the flouridated water is to control the population through decreased libido and sterility. The thought controlling drugs are in the chemtrails. Don’t you pay attention at the planning meetings?

          • Incoming Ham

            Shoot – I missed that one too. I was at the chemtrail meeting, but was attending Bilderberg during one. I would have popped out and attended, but there was an awesome seafood buffet that night.

          • Sardonicuss

            What is this…water?…of which you speak?

          • kaw143

            Don’t worry. It’s one of the ingredients in beer.

          • Sardonicuss

            Is it what plants crave? Like out of the toilet?

          • Longstreet63

            It’s a kind of Diet Vodka…

          • Sardonicuss

            Oh. So the stuff I shower in…Gin. Check.

          • Msgr_Moment

            I have no idea. I left mine in my pants.

          • Querolous

            Do they put arsenic in the water to enhance the lead?

          • kaw143

            And just a pinch of strychnine.

    • Longstreet63

      Well, Trump won the primary, but we’ll have to see how the convention goes…

    • The Wanderer

      It’s none of those, but it is . . . Them.
      (ominous music sting)

    • Sardonicuss

      I thought it was Chad. Yep. He won the draw. Chad is definitely the antichrist this time.
      So Congrats to Chad!..The Dark Lord and shit…..
      Yeah! Go Chad!

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Howmthemhell am I supposaremember all this shit!?

        • Sardonicuss

          It was on the cover sheet of this weeks TPS report. Did you not get that? I’ll copy that to you right away.

      • Longstreet63

        Wait, is that Chad The Dark Lord, Chad The Destroyer, or Chad, Whose Name Is Cursed?

        • Sardonicuss

          The last one. From accounting. You know..that Chad!

          • revenant

            Chad the Impaler

            from accounting

          • kaw143

            Oh, god. But, Chad in accounting is such an asshole! I just know he’s the one who ate my sandwich out of the break room refrigerator, last week!

          • revenant

            The Antichrist eats ALL the sandwiches

            its what they do

          • Sardonicuss

            Oh yeah….thats pretty much why we chose him. Secret: All the names in the hat were “Chad”.
            Turns out, it doesn’t end well for him…something about the “Plains of Golgotha” or some shit…
            Anyway, jokes on Chad!

          • Longstreet63

            I thought that was Chad The Cursed. Chad Whose Name is Cursed works in Quality Control. And Chad The Cursed One works in HR.
            Why do kids these days all have the same names? What ever happened to normal names, like Titus Cromwell, Scourge of God?

          • Sardonicuss

            Wait a few years when everybody is…Stanis, or Danyris ….that will suck.

        • kaw143

          There’s a Chad who bags groceries at my local Safeway? Is it him? Because that will make it awkward the next time he throws the watermelon on top of the eggs.

        • Painter of Goats

          I thought it was The Hanging Chad that brought the scourge upon us.

    • Karen Marie

      It’s both. They take alternate days.

    • phoenix00

      When union collective bargaining allows

    • Serai 1

      None of the above. It’s the Gay Mafia controls everything.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Except the media. The Jews still control that, right?

    • Msgr_Moment

      It’s that arch-Zionist, the Queen of England.

      • Querolous

        Do you mean Queen Liz?

        • Msgr_Moment

          The reptilian shapeshifter Queen? Yes, that one.

  • malsperanza

    Speaking of Turnip … what? Weren’t we speaking of Turnip? Aren’t we always speaking of Turnip?

    This looks credible.

    https://www.scribd.com/doc/316341058/Donald-Trump-Jeffrey-Epstein-Rape-Lawsuit-and-Affidavits#fullscreen?platform=hootsuite

    • Marion in Savannah

      Is there a lawyer in the house to comment on statutes of limitations? (But it makes for some, um, interesting, yeah, interesting reading.

      • Sardonicuss

        The criminal is definitely up. Civil is up too, unless they can establish she didn’t file due to duress (Trump threatening her) which they are claiming. If the judge rules that was the case, a civil case can proceed.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Actually, I’ve read several reports that say this could be a thing.

      • malsperanza

        This Epstein guy is the real goods: convicted pedophile, registered sex offender, has settled 17 similar lawsuits. Turnip is on record calling him a friend.

  • greyXstar

    Is it strange that I’m legit upset that I missed the chance to write a sourced article about whose policies would be better for the country?

    • TJ Barke

      It would be weird if you didn’t.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    . . . That moment when Disqus won’t load more comments, and you notice “255 new comments above.” 0.0

    • SisterArtemis

      fuck, hate that!

    • Sardonicuss

      I like when I click on the arrow to upfist and it jumps an entire page away. Makes a game of it.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Keeps you on your

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          toes.

          • willi0000000

            that’s odd . . . worked fine on the first one but it jumped on your “toes”

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            You want a toe? … Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon… with nail polish.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Such fun!

    • Jonny On Maui

      And you only stepped away for 10 minutes…

      • revenant

        yesterday, had to step away from the computer for a few hours to do Grown-Up shit, and the minute my back was turned a bunch of kids here were all squabbling about who-knows-what

        • kaw143

          Was it music?

          • revenant

            something about “patronizing” or “simonizing” or patriarchy or simony, mebbe, who knows

          • kaw143

            Ah, yes, the Great Dry Cleaning War of Yesterday Afternoon. If I close my eyes, I can still see the smoke travelling over the page. . . .

        • Jonny On Maui

          That’s one of the things I enjoy about this place. You never know what you’re going to see or read and any time you try to predict you’re reminded that you are no where near as loonytoons as you think you are.

          • revenant

            AM TOO!!!!11!

          • Sardonicuss

            Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble….

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            Rouse, rouse, rouse ….

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            Well, you’re “exceptional.” Yes, yes you are.

          • revenant

            gawrsh, tweren’t nothin…

          • yyyaz

            That’s only what they want you to think.

    • SisterArtemis

      Wish I’d taken a screenshot – I stepped away with your comment being at the top of the discussion, and came back an hour or two later to that nice big blue banner saying there were “256 comments above.” Of course I clicked, right as I thought “gee, I should get a screenshot—”
      *sigh*

  • Zhu Bajie

    Randallstarr sounds like a Larouchie, throwing around big words like “Gnostic”, but not understanding them.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Well, it’s Gnostic for me to say.

      • Msgr_Moment

        I used to have Gnostics. But then I just shorn my nose hairs shorter.

        • yyyaz

          If you have a mustache, you’ll still get them in the winter. If you live where it gets cold and snowy. Like I do.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          A precaution we should all take in these unsettled times.

    • yyyaz

      Piker. Lemme know when he gets around to parroting “Don’t immanentize the eschaton!”

  • OneDemin EOr

    “Randall Starr” seems to be reading the same polls as Truck Fump. The highest percentage of support for Fump that I’ve seen never breaks 45%, and it’s been a while since it was that high.
    Hardly the majority of the country, thank Osiris.

    • Gregory Brown

      And thank Odin.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Osiris! What has happened to your nose?

      • bozilingus

        That’s Agnes Moorehead.

  • Nova McIntosh

    How is it this person gets to make a death threat and nothing happens?

    • Nova McIntosh

      BTW, have been reading this website for a week. How did I miss this virtual gold??

      • kaw143

        Welcome! A primer:

        1. Comments are not allowed.
        2. Cussing is encouraged.
        3. Under no circumstances mention canned clams.
        4. Talking about those cakes we like is just fine, though.
        5. I hope you enjoy Monty Python.

        Carry on!

        • Sardonicuss

          6. No pants.

          • Nova McIntosh

            It’s always no pants day around these parts

          • Jonny On Maui

            You’re gonna do just fine…

          • Serai 1

            Oh, and NO CREAMED CORN.

          • Nova McIntosh

            Damn, and it’s my favorite…

          • tehbaddr

            YOU MONSTER!!!!1111!!11!!!11!1!!!!!

          • Nova McIntosh

            I’ll not say a word about my secret cheese in a can addiction then

          • kaw143

            And no garlic powder, also, too.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Peas in guac? Right out!

          • kaw143

            Whoops. Forgot that one.

            And that’s a paddlin’. Who’s the lucky one with the paddle, this time?

          • Jonny On Maui

            Grab your ankles and smile!

          • kaw143

            YES, SIR!

        • Nova McIntosh

          Thank you!
          I’ll never comment. And Monty Python? Hell yes❤️

          • BloviateMe

            Also, when Dok starts his brony stuff, just smile and nod along, but do NOT, under any circumstance, make eye contact, or further encourage him in any way. It only serves to accelerate his inexorable descent into madness.

        • Painter of Goats

          Cedar cheese is the best.

          • Doug Langley

            With prune juice.

        • Don’t mention flying clams either.

          • You wanna know why does this clam business still work around here?

          • willi0000000

            CLAMS GOT CALL FORWARDING!!!!!

        • Msgr_Moment

          1., 3., 5., and 7. Poofters welcome.

          • cat cafe

            Number 6, THERE IS NO NUMBER 6

        • Pickwicknext

          You forgot the No Pants policy

    • Sardonicuss

      I know! That is definitely some Secret Service level shit there.
      If it were not Disqus, I would think and IP trace would be fairly easy.

      • Nova McIntosh

        I read the breitbart column and he wasn’t the only one, I saw something to the extent of ‘lets hang her’

        • Sardonicuss

          Yeah, that’s a no no.
          I don’t want to be seeing that stuff on CNN later.

          • Nova McIntosh

            And someone should have warned me about Breitbart…I’ll be sleeping less now…((shudder))

          • Sardonicuss

            Yep. It’s a cesspool. On my rare ventures there, I always wear a condom (ghostery), and do a MRI (Spybot) afterwords…

          • Nova McIntosh

            I will choose to think these are not real humans… But an AI chatbot that escaped from Twitter

          • Sardonicuss

            Of late, just knowing people are voting for Trump is depressing enough. I don’t need to read their hateful misspelled spew to know they are out there.

    • Incoming Ham

      I would imagine he has not gone unnoticed.

  • tehbaddr

    My end of the Disqus done got broke, I blame Randallstarr!

    • revenant

      here, have one of mine

  • tehbaddr

    So it’s Sunday, and I was thinking of making some Linguine and clam sauce. I bought Starkist canned clams locally sourced this time instead of Gortons. Do you think they will work out OK in my recipe?

    • phoenix00

      As long as there is quality Gewurztraminer, Pinot Blanc, or unoaked Chardonnay present, same difference.

      • tehbaddr

        Don’t keep white wine around much anymore, but do like the nice buttery Oaky Beringer. I was thinking since it’s the weekend of the 4th I’d just use America beer (Spudweiser).

        • phoenix00

          *bzzt* Houston, I believe we have found our problem *bzzt

        • TJ Barke

          Fun fact: In colonial America, hard apple ciders were the beverage of choice.

          • revenant

            because:
            1. intoxicating
            2. less likely to give you the bloody flux

          • tehbaddr

            Bloody flux? what is this and why does it happen?

          • jmhm

            If you can get your hands on some, 1911 hard cider from Beak and Skiff orchards is kind of epic, not least because it gives you an excuse to say Beak and Skiff. The apple gin is pretty good too.

          • phoenix00

            fine too, just like cat

          • revenant

            that whole “Johnny Appleseed” thing? totally about the hard cider. the alcohol kills off the typhus bugs

        • Jukesgrrl

          I keep a couple of those little airline bottles of wine in my pantry for use during cooking. One bottle is just about what most recipes need and then you don’t have to uncork a big bottle until you’re ready to serve it for drinks.

      • yyyaz

        And lots of it. ([Burp!] Damned canned clams! Hanging around like a cheap spaghetti dinner. … Wait, what? Nevermind.)

    • jmhm

      You monster. Eleventy. Just saying.

    • Sardonicuss

      Sounds fishy. How about some nice….Salmon Mousse? (Points boney finger…..)

      • TJ Barke

        You Americans are all so fucking pompous!

        • yyyaz

          I thought the Brits were all so fucking pompous and the Merkins were all so “let me tell you this and let me tell you that,” but I guess it doesn’t really matter, cuz YOU’RE ALL FUCKING DEAD!!!!

          • Hey! I didn’t have the mousse!

          • Sardonicuss

            My favorite line of the movie!

          • cat cafe

            Also….
            Chaplain: Let us praise God. O Lord…
            Congregation: O Lord…
            Chaplain: …Ooh, You are so big…
            Congregation: …ooh, You are so big…
            Chaplain: …So absolutely huge.
            Congregation: …So absolutely huge.
            Chaplain: Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
            Congregation: Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
            Chaplain: Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and…
            Congregation: And barefaced flattery.
            Chaplain: But You are so strong and, well, just so super.
            Congregation: Fantastic.
            Humphrey: Amen.
            Congregation: Amen.

          • SeeTrain65

            I don’t care how many times you ask, the school cormorant is still out of bounds.

          • Sardonicuss

            Please dont bake us or boil us…ect….

          • cat cafe

            And, of course…. “it is wahhhfer thin….”

          • Mehmeisterjr

            A mousse once bit my sister.

        • Querolous

          Because some people call us Maurice.

          • Bad Granny

            Some call me the gangster of love.

      • cat cafe

        “Well, that’s rather cast a pall on things, hasn’t it…..”

    • Gregory Brown

      I like to sizzle up a couple cloves of minced garlic in olive oil, add a teaspoon of oregano, and just as the garlic starts to turn, add a can of minced clams and their liquid, bring to a simmer for a few minutes, and serve over rotini (the spirals grab the clam bits) with lots grated parmesan/romano cheese. Or start out with the oil, garlic and oregano, clams, then add the smallest size can can of tomato sauce, and a few dashes of hot sauce, such as Tabasco, for a bit of warmth.

      • jmhm

        I am food sad. Because the kid’s young man is here, and I filled up the fridge with salmon (smoked and not), shrimp, both frozen *and* canned clams, and a truly spectacular rack of lamb, and I was a hostess star for one brief shining moment in my mind. Only, he doesn’t eat lamb or seafood, so now I have to defrost and clean a whole tenderloin so we can have boring-ass steak because if I have to eat one more freaking hot dog or potsticker I’m going to swell up, turn green and start throwing cars.

        Total first-world problem, I know. But seriously.

        • BloviateMe

          Lamb and seafood.

          WANT.

          • Sardonicuss

            For reals! I’m doing brats. Because I did burger yesterday, and chicken tomorrow. Would kill to do some perfect grilled fresh shrimp and steak kabobs…with tomatoes and onions…mmmm

          • jmhm

            me too also.

          • Sardonicuss

            You could do…fajita bar!
            That’s what I am going to do with the chicken. Get the grill really hot, chop up bell peppers, onions, throw those on the cast iron platter thingy on the top (after soaking them in olive oil) while cooking the chicken (after mexi marinate ) on the bottom. The smell alone makes my mouth water…when the peppers and onion hit the platter…
            Warm up the tortillas, throw the whole thing with guac and such on the counter. Say: Will this be to your special liking kid?

          • jmhm

            Oh oh oh.

            You are so smart. I have a couple of chickens in the back of the freezer and dried fruit to stuff them with.

            ANOTHER CRISIS AVERTED.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            What time should I arrive?

          • jmhm

            me too…

        • Gregory Brown

          Lamb is absolutely scrumptious. And no seafood? You have my sympathy.

          • revenant

            me also too. kid’s young man sounds like a pain in the arse. what ever happened to trying to favorably impress the parental units? he’s too cool for that?
            feh

          • jmhm

            He’s a nice kid. Just, a bit more forthright than I’m used to.

          • Courser

            Gawd, If I had a dime for every time I had to choke down something icky or nasty and had to contort my face into something close to “yummy!”

            Ugh.

          • Gregory Brown

            Apparently it’s out of fashion to placate the rents these days.. We had leg of lamb all the time when I was a kid (goat reference!) But some people have a strange unwillingness to eat it. Had a friend who came from a big Irish family, and you would think they would have had lamb, but no. He would stay to dinner whenever we invited him … except when we were having lamb. He never flat out refused, just came up with excuses. Could not convince him to even try it.

          • jmhm

            I hate it when a plan falls apart. I’m considering completely punting and making pizza dough.

        • Pinkham’s Law

          “Oh, my. I am so sorry to hear that. There’s a McDonalds about three blocks that way.” Should NOT have waited till he arrived to tell you that.

          • jmhm

            Tempting, but my nonna would come back to disapprove of me for not feeding a guest, and I’m sure she’s happy where she is :)

          • Pinkham’s Law

            You provided highly acceptable food by virtually any measure. Not your fault he’s a picky little biatch that doesn’t appreciate it.

          • jmhm

            I can go with that :)

          • sw19womble

            “Are there no Burger Kings?”

          • tehbaddr

            Hungry Jacks.

        • willi0000000

          that’s why you never ask . . . plate it and see if he turns up his nose at it.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        *gasp* CHEESE WITH SEAFOOD!!!!@!1!!! My fainting couch, please!

      • tehbaddr

        Infidel! Italians don’t put cheese on there seafood! However, I’m always partial to some grated Romano on the clams linguine.

      • idiotboy

        very good but the CHEESE as stated before is a problem.

    • sw19womble

      DON’T BE SUCH A BABY!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Two words:

      YOU MONSTER!

  • kaw143

    Now, I’m stepping away from the computer for a while. Don’t go tearing out each other’s entrails while I’m gone, you rapscallions!

    • TJ Barke

      Bring back beer and/or weed.

    • Msgr_Moment

      We are the Scallions
      We are the Scallions of Rap.

      • yyyaz

        ‘Splains the smell.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        We are the Scallions of Rap

        worst Mark Knopfler cover ever!

    • tehbaddr

      You want me to save a small intestine or other organ for you?

  • JD Mulvey

    Why do the wingnuts always seem to think they can treat laws and court orders as optional? I say we need to impress on them that if you ignore the law, you could end up deservedly rotting in jail

    with votes.

    • Nova McIntosh

      The Secret Narcissist Sociopath Guidebook tells them so

      • Nova McIntosh

        It’s not so secret though, they can’t help outting themselves…

        • revenant

          shitbags and PROUD OF IT TOO, buddy

      • PaulaQ

        The one “for dummies” right?

    • jmhm

      IOKIYAR

    • Sardonicuss

      ….or with roaches! Or large hungry rats!

    • phoenix00

      They obey only when it suits them. Picky and choosey like the bible and the constitution.

      • cat cafe

        And only when it benefits them and confirms something they already want to think.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      I’m pretty sure that didn’t really need the “with votes” disclaimer. But, you do you!

      • JD Mulvey

        Urm, okay… thanks for the green light, I think.

  • Tommmcatt

    Oooh smell me I’m a journalist now! Ohh la la la!

    And all this time I thought I was just goofing off on company time.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    No barbecue. Just sitting here waiting for the M-80s to trigger my PTSD.

    • mancityfooty .

      It’s still wet out here. We’re waiting on tomorrow to freak the pups out.

    • yyyaz

      For your sake, I hope adult beverages are not off the table.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      “Waiting”… Hell, these yahoos round my parts have been shooting shit off everyday since Memorial Day!!!! They don’t even wait for the sun to go down. A couple just popped off right now. (and I in very urban Baltimore city)

      • revenant

        in the County, here, just outside West Ballmer. they never really stop all year long

        • YoBunnyBunny

          damn pyromaniac goobers…

      • Courser

        In Denver, it starts on Cinco de Mayo. (5/5/).

    • Vegan and Tiara

      I used to have a dog who was a total badass. He’d fight dogs three times bigger than him, hell, he’d fight THREE dogs at a time. He didn’t care, but the minute any fireworks started he’d turn into a mass of jelly. He could usually be found cowering in the shower. Moral of the story? We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Hang in there!

    • Suse

      Hugs!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The asshats say that they fire off all that stuff to “honor the veterans”.

      No, assholes. You know less than Jon Snow about anything at all.

  • Jukesgrrl

    O

    • Msgr_Moment

      In answer to your earlier question. Hitler?

      • sw19womble

        No thanks, I’ve just eaten.

    • BloviateMe

      Use that little “upload images” thing on the very bottom left of the non comment box.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Thanks, I tried that but I got a message that my “image upload failed.”

        • BloviateMe

          Maybe it’s too big?

          • bozilingus

            “That’s what she said.”

          • sw19womble

            As they say in the Shire.

    • FIFY

  • LadyLaz

    Happy Derp-Fourth fellow wonketteers.

    • tehbaddr

      Heeeehaw! Get drunk and blow some shit up!

  • Jeff in the desert

    HEY FUCKNUTTERS,

    If you REALLY cared about stopping abortions, you might push for fully funding Planned Parenthood! What the fuck don’t you get about the name PLANNED?

    The real cowards among us are those who do not seek solutions but…..SHOOT THEIR FUCKING MOUTHS OFF!!!!

    • mancityfooty .

      I was so close to calling troll.
      Then I recognized your user name.
      and then I read everything you wrote correctly.

      • Jeff in the desert

        I consider Planned Parenthood the real heroes in all this bullshit. They forge on against all this terrorist right wing nut stuff.

    • Nova McIntosh

      They aren’t pro life, killing is fine….they are pro birth.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Honestly, I just don’t get their obsession with “family planning” services (at least for the uterus-haver’s–they don’t protest the snip-snip). It’s like they’re just looking for any reason to hate liberals. They’re pro-birth for children that they’re going to think are little moochers. I know, I know, figuring them out is a useless and nonsensical endeavor.

        • Nova McIntosh

          I understand them, it’s simple:
          Step one: go insane
          Step two: never regain sanity
          Step three: the colors… The colors… All the pretty colors…

          • sw19womble

            Hmm… that sounds eerily like my retirement plan.

        • cat cafe

          It’s very easy. They’re not “pro-birth,” they’re “forced-birth.” They don’t want women to have their own agency. They want to punish and control women for having sex. The “bastard children” must also suffer for the sins of their slut mother. It is a narrow, ferociously medieval view of women as chattel. Once you see that, everything else is crystal clear.

      • harryeagar

        I highly recommend Randall Balmer’s “The Making of Evangelicalism,” where you will learn that the Southern Baptists, and many other evangelicals, welcomed and endorsed Roe v. Wade when it was handed down and for a few years thereafter.

        If you have any antiRoe acquaintances, you could win easy bets by carrying that book around.

        Fun fact: the book is published by Baylor U. Press

        • cat cafe

          Yes, Sam Bee did a fantastic piece on this. No one cared about abortion until the far-right Republicans picked it as “an issue” almost randomly. It’s disgraceful.

          • willi0000000

            they thought that if they went along with one of the pope’s pet peeves they could get the catlicks to support for some of their theocratic state fantasies in return.

          • harryeagar

            Not no one. The RCs have been consistently against it.

    • Jeff in the desert

      I was referring to the RWNJs out there, not my fellow Wonkettes

      • tehbaddr

        You’re going to have to make it up good with the collective. Got knee-pads?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s not about abortion. It’s about punishing sluts. Always has been, always will be.

    • cat cafe

      The RWNJ’s don’t remotely care about stopping abortions, or “babies,” or “life,” as their actual policies show over and over and over. What their actual policies show over and over and over is that they hate women, they don’t want women to have agency over their own bodies, and if a woman has sex of her own volition, she must be punished, severely punished, in fact her life must be put at risk with a forced-9-month pregnancy, childbirth, and her life plans ruined as she must be responsible for another human being for 18 years, and the child, too, must suffer for the mother’s sins by living in poverty. All in the name of “saving” a clump of cells with no more “sentient life” than a kidney–which they would never consider forcing someone to donate, even to save a fully sentient adult life–but that’s because men have kidneys. It’s really, really clear that they are virulent misogynists with only the goal to control and punish women, and we need to call them out every single time as forced-birthers and woman-haters.

  • So: a scary smiling blonde lady on CNN just said ha ha if you think that Trump tweet with the star on it is anti-Semitic that means that YOU are anti-Semitic. PSYCH!

    Also: Her girlhood Play Doh Fun Factory had the same shape so ha ha Play Doh must also be anti-Semitic. PSYCH!

    • Sardonicuss

      Ha..ha to her. The Drumph campaign actually reposted it from a known anti-semitic site!

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        lifted it straight from a white supremacist site

        • Sardonicuss

          Don’t you hate it when you know more than the people getting paid the big bucks to be “The first to know”?

          • Yes, and the other panelists just click their tongues and shake their heads when asswipes make that kind of comment.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            NBC made mention of that fact. They then mentioned that Donnie said the big story was Hill meeting with the FBI, “Which we also did cover.”

          • Astraea

            I just watched a bit of a segment before I could stop an autoplay where they said Hillary met with them for 3 1/2 hours in A CLOSED DOOR MEETING.

            I bet they were fitting her for her new jumpsuit.

        • SayItWithWookies

          Clearly the people who think everything that’s posted on an anti-Semitic website is anti-Semitic are the real racists.

    • Nova McIntosh

      She’s so classy

    • Vienna Woods

      I don’t know if it’s even worth telling them to do a Google Image search for sheriff’s star to see that almost every single one has circles on the points.https://goo.gl/images/PssHa0

      • sw19womble

        Also, to my knowledge, sheriff’s badges tend not to have a backdrop of money, and the word “Corrupt” in them.

        However, I am but a lowly foreigner, brought up watching Westerns with my dad, and unaccustomed to how some Red States might do things these days.

        • Jamoche

          Unless you’re in Maricopa County.

      • Alex Grey

        Also it’s a seven pointed star.

      • jmhm

        Oh, I just gave up on a conversation on another site with a wingnut who is an ABT, but so addicted to the tribal bullshit that he was trying to argue that Trump didn’t know that was a star of David, or for that matter who the Il Duce was that he was retweeting. Because those aren’t things Ivy League-educated people with jewish in laws who went to military school know.

    • kaw143

      It’s hard to argue with logic like that.

      No, really. It’s super hard, because the people who use logic like that are really stupid. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Been a Gnostic since grade school. Hooked on Gnostics did it for me.

    • tehbaddr

      I couldn’t take that curriculum. Had to go with Atheist For No Shame.

  • Astraea

    OT Actual headline: After FBI Interview, Hillary Clinton Goes to See ‘Hamilton’

    How dare she!!!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      That monster probably texted Sidney Blumenthal throughout the whole show!

      • Andre

        Was she spooning Human at the time? If so, big spoon or little spoon? And was she forming plans for Huckabee, the only known survivor of the Clinton deathdozer machine? Important questions that need answering.

        • revenant

          plotting the d’mise of D’Souza

          • Astraea

            The Dilbert guy also too.

          • Querolous

            D’ilbert?

        • Vegan and Tiara

          She probably was giving away plot points in a really loud voice, in between calling Huma and saying “no, YOU hang up first, Shmoopy.”

    • phoenix00

      Seems like that e-mail server was there just to score tickets.

      • Astraea

        Now that’s a crime.

    • Land Shark

      My old school Republican parents are hoping against hope that Hilary is guilty of something. They don’t want Trump, but they have been “convinced” that Hilary is guilty and a liar. They hope she’s guilty so they can vote for someone else … like OHJB. They don’t Trump, but the Murdoch brainwashing has convinced them the Hilary is worse, worse, worse.

      • Astraea

        There’s always “just something” people don’t like about her that lets them believe the worst regardless of evidence.

        • Land Shark

          The evidence they see is from the WSJ … it’s sad because they need her to be guilty. Of course, I said, “if she was guilty, why hasn’t she been indicted?” “The FBI is investigating her.” “Yes, for the last 18 months … and they have found nothing illegal.”

          They really want anyone but the Donald.

          • Lamashtar

            Old hat for conservatives. I’ve been told for ages that President Johnson was some kind of sociopath because he bullied people. Was reading the annotated Hamilton the other day and someone suggested a link somewhere to President Johnson’s ‘Promise to America’ speech, so I watched it.

            I’m afraid he outshone all but Obama’s best for me. Johnson spoke with the timbre of a preacher, and a quiet passion. When he talked about his experiences teaching underprivileged children, and how they knew white folks hated them, I started to cry. When he said that if he ever got the power to do something about it, he would take it, a shiver went down my spine. That was *fury*, like I have rarely seen, and I gloried in it. And he paid the price for it. But Christ, I’d vote for him right now, even after all his mistakes.

            The older I get, the more I see that conservative propaganda smears have gotten into everything I’ve seen–and my family were liberals.
            https://youtu.be/5NvPhiuGZ6I

    • kaw143

      So, I DIDN’T win those tickets, then?

      CORRUPTION!11!! PERFIDY!11!!1IMPEACH!11!!!!

      • Astraea

        lol! That was my first thought.

        Don’t worry, I don’t think she announced a winner yet!

        • kaw143

          So, she can get tickets to Hamilton at any time? If that isn’t CLEAR PROOF of her illegal activities, I don’t know what is!

  • Allen Snyder

    “Why one candidate’s better suits…” Is…is he saying that Trump’s Chinese-manufactured suits are better? Now *that’s* one insane commenter, who definitely isn’t allowed.

  • berkeleyfarm

    Hey, how about a great rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner to put you in a cheerful holiday mood?

    https://www.facebook.com/DJSanchoLikePage/videos/1028609457162879/

    • Jeff in the desert
      • Sardonicuss

        There it is.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        How hard do you think he was trippin’? Cause, you KNOW he was trippin’!

        • jmhm

          Balls, I think, are the unit he was tripping in. He was tripping balls.

          Maybe slightly fewer balls than Carlos Santana.

          • Msgr_Moment

            AOT,K.

          • jmhm

            a veritable ball pit.

        • Astraea

          Whoa

        • kaw143

          I read “electric Barsoom”, and I was all, like, “Whut?”

        • feministing

          damn cool! it’s like an electric guitar and a cello had a punk ass hipster baby

    • Astraea

      Thank you for this, it’s so fun!

      • berkeleyfarm

        I love the instrumentation and the singer is a very talented gentleman!

    • Jonny On Maui

      “The heads sploding in air…”

      • Sardonicuss

        “Splody heads are Splodinn!”
        One heartbeat from the White House.

    • Astraea
      • Pinkham’s Law

        AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL the upvotes for Whitney!!!!!!

        • tehbaddr

          “Cause you can’t throw her a rock anymore? TOO SOON NOT!
          Addiction is a horrible thing.

    • BloviateMe

      I was one of those young idiots who wondered what the hell a “dawnzerly light” was.

      Embarrassing, I tells ya.

      • Beulah

        I think it has something to do with elemeno pee.

      • jmhm

        It could be worse. I wondered for years what was discouraging about the world seldom, and why cowboys on the range were saying it.

    • bozilingus
      • Pinkham’s Law
      • Astraea

        Once was enough for this lifetime.

      • The Wanderer

        Um, no.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I attended a Padres game a few weeks after that incident, and fans around me were still talking about it.

      • berkeleyfarm

        Yeah, not clicking. I have managed to go this far without listening to that infamous version and I wish to give praise to those who sing it well. It is, as some have found out, Not That Easy when it’s just you and a microphone.

    • Beulah

      This would not go over well with Trump. Especially since the guy is singing to someone named Jose. He did say “Jose can you see”, right?

      • Astraea

        Awww, how romantic. <3

    • (((B00kLove)))

      ¡Bueno! ¡Grandisimo!

  • Canned Clams: When I read ‘canned clams’ here I’m always reminded of WC Fields’ IT’S A GIFT. Baby Dunk throws a can at Fields and clips him on the arm. Field painful picks up the can, looks at the label and mutters “Clams. I hate clams.”.

    • Sardonicuss

      Favorite supposed W.C. line from real life.
      When offered water: “Water? Don’t fish shit in that?”

      • idiotboy

        I am not going to google this, but was not the line “fish fornicate in water”

        • Sardonicuss

          I have heard both versions, and in fact most frequently use the “Water? Fish fuck in it.” in common conversation. But my sense of decorum prohibits that in this hallowed space, where comments are not allowed.

          • kaw143

            What the fuck is stopping you?

            Oh, yeah. The no comments thing. Got it.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Strange, I always think: When you gonna buy me a canned clam?
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZoVY6oi5yo

      • kaw143

        Sweet Spirit in the Sky. Was Norman Greenbaum even aware of what he was smoking, back in the day?

        • Amalga

          Spirit in the Sky is on my playlist for my life celebration when I eventually get there.

    • tehbaddr

      Don’t hate the canned clams, I’ve had enough of you haters! Go on and enjoy your Hobo Beans, while I dine on seafoods (of sorts)!

    • cheetojeebus

      KUMQUATS!!111111

  • Zippy W Pinhead
    • Astraea

      Who?

      • TJ Barke

        Something something pig castration…

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Joni Ernst- the pig castrator

    • data_ninja

      Iowa Sen. Joni Ernst is among the candidates being considered to become
      Donald Trump’s running mate, a source with knowledge of Trump’s vice
      presidential selection process tells CNN.

      It’s Corey Lewandowski. We all know it’s him, that’s why you hired the chode. You wanted that sweet, sweet insider Trump information.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        They basically took over paying Lewandowski’s Trump staff salary so Don the deadbeat didn’t have to, in exchange for first access to campaign blasts and announcements. No, nothing unseemly and unethical there, no siree…

        • Msgr_Moment

          Yeah, but I’m sure he signed a prenup non-disclosure agreement.

      • Kateaux

        My first reaction, as an Iowan, is “oh gods, no.” My second reaction is, “maybe if Drumpf does choose her, she’ll be dumb enough to immediately resign her Senate seat, hurray!” And Iowans would be spared four more years of her. Wishful thinking, I guess.

        • SisterArtemis

          A Kat can dream….

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Good. If she is asked, and accepts, her political career is over.

    • Enfant Terrible

      Nailing down that bread bag wearing demographic.

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      Well, that would make the political trajectory of a responder to the sotu complete. I believe I have seen exactly one good one (Sen Jim Webb’s to W). The rest are … best not spoken of.

  • Alex Grey

    Due to extreme abuse of grammar, England is demanding that we return their language.

  • Jeff in the desert

    In a brazen move exploiting the instability of Brexit, the Navajo Nation has stolen the Rock of Gibraltar and dragged into the desert of New Mexico!

    • harryeagar

      Rock the vote/vote the rock!

    • sw19womble

      Watch out for Spanish fishermen! They’ll scoop all your peyote, quotas be damned!

      • Msgr_Moment

        I never expected the Spanish fishermen!

        • sw19womble

          “No one expects the Spanish Fishermen! Our chief
          weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two chief weapons, fear,
          surprise, and ruthless fishery! Umm.. among our chief weapons are:
          fear, surprise, ruthless fishery, and near fanatical devotion to the Rock! Wait, I’ll come in again…”

          • Johnnymoreno

            I’m afraid you just lost the element of surprise. You still have fear etc. so all is not lost.

    • Sardonicuss

      Do you live near the infamous..Las montañas titty?

    • bobbert

      Perhaps they shipped it to NM?

    • TJ Barke

      Bout time the stole something from the white man.

      • Pickwicknext

        Well, the Brits did steal all that marble from Greece

  • Courser

    Clean Apartment today, BBQ tommorrow.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      BBQ yesterday, lay around the house like a slug today. Work tomorrow…sniffle.

      • Vienna Woods

        Retirement bbq party two days ago, still recovering.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Molotov!

      • mancityfooty .

        both days, this is today.

        • Sardonicuss

          oooh…Looking at that, I feel a strange thing in my arteries. Also, is my left arm supposed to hurt like this?

          • cheetojeebus

            What you need is some potato salad.

          • Sardonicuss

            ….with some Tussin’ on it?

          • cheetojeebus

            oh now, now, not yet, baconbitz will do.

          • mancityfooty .

            Use your right arm to pick up the ribs.
            Let me get the 220 plug in ready.
            I’ll be with you in a moment. There is a line already.

          • Sardonicuss

            CLEAR!

        • Msgr_Moment

          SAUSAGEFEST!!!

        • Vegan and Tiara

          Forget Sardonicuss, what time would you like me to arrive?

          • mancityfooty .

            five minutes ago
            Sorry, I’ll be up in the morning.
            See you all then.

          • SisterArtemis

            Just what kind of vegan are you?

          • Vegan and Tiara

            A pretty lousy one!

      • Courser

        Ah, laying about the house like a slug was yesterday. I will be making potato salad tonight. It’s always best the next day.

      • Pickwicknext

        Layed about like a slug, then went to a movie. Work tomorrow and all the days thereafter

        • Vegan and Tiara

          No rest for the weary, my friend.

    • Sakonyachen

      Finally had our reception last night over a month after our marriage. I think I’m finally sober. Still not done cleaning up though. Should it happen that one of you has a reception with a bunch of serious drinkers, don’t have it at home.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Good advice. And best wishes on your marriage! Out Editrix and ShyPixel make it look like an enviable state of affairs, although previously no one ever got me to believe it.

        • Sakonyachen

          Marriage is pretty easy. Holding out for the right one is tougher. I waited til 43 and I have no regrets.

  • Jeff in the desert

    Ride motorcycle…

  • tehbaddr

    BTW did I mention that DRUMPF might be worse than Hitler? I guess there will be only one way to make a definitive decision. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

    • DodgeDixie&Descartes

      I’m sure there’s a pretty accurate predictive algorithm.

      • tehbaddr

        Oh no you don’t! I was a Psych Major as an undergrad, I’ve read about the Authoritarian Personality, the dismayed and down trodden and perceived disenfranchisement, scapegoating, and I can tell you…

        I was gonna tell you that can’t happen in ‘Merika…

    • Rick Hill

      “….only one way to make a definitive decision.”
      By removing Turnip’s brain and sending it to Russia for a side by side comparison with Hitler’s? Well, it is extreme but some questions have to be answered.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      He’d certainly have the means to be far, far worse.

      http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/Usa/Tests/IvyMikeG1600c20.jpg

  • DodgeDixie&Descartes

    Wait a sec. My grandmother was born on that rock when he father was a physician sailing for the Indian Health Service

    • willi0000000

      good news! . . . now you can say she was borned in murrika!

  • idiotboy

    The only reason I read this POS blog is because randallstarr calls you out on your racist bullshit.
    Randallstarr you are my hero and I want to have your gay baby.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Get in line, pal.

      • Sardonicuss

        He’s a manly man. Some women want to be with him, some men want to be like him…others just want to get his meds.

        • Land Shark

          TLM (turgid love muscle) wants words with you …

          • sw19womble

            I like to think TLM finally came out the closet and found love in all the right places.

          • Land Shark

            … with lube also too!

        • idiotboy

          Uh yeah, a friend of mine is curious about that, the meds thing.

          • Sardonicuss

            That would be my category Alex. Crazy assholes meds for a thousand.

        • cat cafe

          Which should be easy, since he’s obviously not taking them himself.

          • Sardonicuss

            My assessment as well: Drugs: Are a terrible thing to waste. ..or minds..whatever..

          • Poe’s Law

            One of my kung fu friends used to say, “A waist is a terrible thing to mind. ”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Posting nym is perfect on several levels.

      • idiotboy

        I do not know what nym means, but am flattered anyway. Any and all attention is appreciated. Wife and kids do not pander any more.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          /shakefist at idiotboy’s wife and kids.

      • idiotboy

        Ok, I googled it. “New York Mets” was the response. Makes sense.
        They suck.

  • DodgeDixie&Descartes

    Some days I’m so proud of being a Cultural Marxist. I kick back and watch the Bolshoi Ballet, pour a bit of Stolichnaya over ice and get a warm feeling dreaming of dragging Cory Lewandowski out of the CNN studio and shipping to Maine in empty boxcar to work in the potato fields.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      ?? Third boxcar, midnight train, destination, Bangor, Maine.
      Old worn out clothes and shoes,
      I ain’t got no union – I’m screwed.
      ?

      • Land Shark

        wow …. childhood flashback.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Bangor? I barely knew her!

      • mancityfooty .

        *goes to youtube for boxcar willie things*

    • Lamashtar

      The gulag will be in Maine? Hunh.

  • Poe’s Law

    Randallstar asks whether it is likely “That half the country is undoubtedly wicked people filled with hate? ”

    I’d be surprised if it was only half.

    • Sardonicuss

      Ok see this goes with my ongoing theory that: We are all merely holographic projections of Stephen King’s warped mind…via our obvious reenactment of “The Stand”.
      Randall Starr is obviously Randall Flagg…or Trump is..haven’t worked that out yet.
      Zika is Captain Tripps..and we all need to head for Boulder right away..(or Vegas if that is your thing.not judging).
      I am positive Randell would find my theory intriguing?
      …unless he has taken his meds which would be ..sad.

      • kaw143

        So, are we re-enacting the original version, or the unedited version? Because, no, I will NOT let anyone fuck me in the ass with a revolver. Ain’t happenin’. I have SOME standards, thank you VERY MUCH!

        • Poe’s Law

          Your agonizer, please, Mr. Kaw143

        • Sardonicuss

          Well, I was figuring on the T.V. version..since I read the book in the 70’s?

          • kaw143

            So, you were spared the scene to which I was referring.

            I got that far in the book and went, “Nope, nope, nope” and put it down forever.

      • Poe’s Law

        My theory is simpler. We actually live in “Mirror, Mirror, ” We just pretend we don’t because we’re wusses

        • doktorzoom

          Huh. I already have a beard, so you may have a point.

          • Poe’s Law

            Your agonizer please, Dr. Zoom.

  • Astraea
    • Poe’s Law

      Well, we are going to hell:

      We killz babies
      We doesn’t prays in school
      We sayzes not Merry Christmas
      We displayetheth not the 10 Commandaments in courtz and other placez plublical
      We teach evolution and not the sacred creationism, so too the biggy bang and heliocentrism instead of anthropocentrism
      We worry about animals, plants and the environment instead of subjugating the earth
      We think that we have something to do with climate instead of acknowledging that God is in charge of ask and will never let anything bad happen.

      • Sardonicuss

        A better version..
        https://youtu.be/zTOffYj5TxU

        • TJ Barke
          • Astraea

            If we’re sharing go to Hell songs

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r1BBPpiITM

          • kaw143

            Obvious song choice is obvious:

            https://youtu.be/gEPmA3USJdI

            It’s kind of sad that Angus Young has been in the business for forty years and still can’t afford a shirt.

            EDIT: YOUNG! I MEANT YOUNG! I blame the devil.

          • TJ Barke

            Streetlight Manifesto cover of the Squirrel Nut Zippers song.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GU8QQDgO40I

          • Sardonicuss

            Uhh. Thanks to Zenu, going to my own planet thank you very much!
            Praise Zenu ya’ll!

          • Poe’s Law

            A hymn to Ahriman, indeed.

            But then there’s this

            Yasna 30
            http://www.zarathushtra.com/z/gatha/dji/yasna30.htm

          • Poe’s Law

            I’m going to upfist “denoument”

            I’m also going to ask, of this life is hell, and it is, what are you going to do with that? Just scream?

          • TJ Barke

            Probably try to see where suicide gets me.

          • Sardonicuss

            Hey, I’m only going to say this once:
            Cheer the fuck up!
            Sorry to be so bold.

          • TJ Barke

            Nah. Misery suits me.

          • Sardonicuss

            uhhh. Misery is boring. Tedious. Now..knock it off!
            https://youtu.be/jHsbwY4EPyA

          • TJ Barke
          • Poe’s Law

            Then embrace it. Know it to be your true self.

            Myself, I am anger.

          • TJ Barke

            Sometimes anger takes me, it’s exhausting.

          • Poe’s Law

            Yes, anger is exhausting. Be angry and be exhausted.

            It is difficult, but it is the only way to not resist being yourself.

            You are not what your friends, your family, your religion, your coworkers think you ought to be to.

            You are what you are, and that is difficult, but there is no other way.

          • TJ Barke

            *nonplussed.

          • mancityfooty .

            You want angry? Greg Graffin almost went to KU. We almost had Bad Religion as a house band in Lawrence.
            So fucking close.

          • TJ Barke

            D=

          • Sardonicuss

            Pretty deep there Mephistopheles….and quite correct.

          • Poe’s Law

            Should I change my screen name? I like Mephestopheles

          • Sardonicuss

            Well, its kinda long…..but it suits you!

          • TJ Barke
          • Poe’s Law

            Yes, but can anyone really love up to that?

          • Nova McIntosh

            I read this hearing Pitts voice in Fight Club

          • TJ Barke

            You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

          • Pickwicknext

            Stop reading the Nhilist Arby’s Twitter feed

          • TJ Barke

            You best get out while you can. I will ruin you.

          • Pickwicknext

            Do I need to figure out how to afford coming to visit you?

          • TJ Barke

            Only if you hate yourself…

          • Pickwicknext

            Go check your email…

          • Poe’s Law

            I meant it in the voice of the Turtle in Kung Fu Panda, but I guess I’ll have to watch Fight Club (I keep getting references to it)

          • TJ Barke

            Spoilers; Edward Norton is in it.

          • Sardonicuss

            Embrace your anger Luke! Feel the power of the dark side!

          • Pickwicknext

            We have cookies

          • Sardonicuss

            Oh..they’re so good too! There’s, chocolate (dark), chocolate chip, chocolate with chocolate chip (dark), chocolate with chocolate sprinkles…!

          • Poe’s Law

            You bloody existentialist you.

            How dare you encourage courage in the face of the essential meaninglessness of life?

            Are you upholding basic human power and dignity in the face of everything that would grind us down into a pitiful mere existence for existence sake?

          • Sardonicuss

            Uhhh. Yep.

          • Poe’s Law

            You made me laugh!

          • Sardonicuss

            Hello..I’m Chauncy Gardner!

          • Poe’s Law

            I like to watch

          • TJ Barke

            Rail against entropy all you want. It will have us all.

          • Poe’s Law

            It will. But it’s what we do with that that matters

          • TJ Barke

            Not after the heat death of the universe.

        • Poe’s Law

          You are wonderfully dark. I have admired you from afar, tonight I see directly!

          • Sardonicuss

            Well thank you. It’s the evil mostly….I work on it….like golf.

          • Poe’s Law

            Without the dark, the light is so much fatuousness.

      • kaydenpat

        You forgot that we allow the gheys to get married.
        And the colored to sit at the front of buses.
        And women to vote.

        The horror!

        • Poe’s Law

          You’re right. That I did forget. As well as letting little black children sit in the same classes as little white children.

          And letting gheys do ghey things

          And allowing divorce

          And not stoning adulterers

          Or those who wear clothes woven of two fibers

          Or those who plant two crops in tbe same field

          Or those who diss their parents

          Or those who violate the sabbath, which would be most Americans

          Indeed I have not begun to plumb the depths of American inequity

    • Msgr_Moment

      Very snarky. Okay, Hillz, which one of us IS you?

  • Spotts1701

    OT: So we almost had a serious tragedy today. This weekend is Wing Fest in downtown Reno, which is a major event that draws thousands of folks in and shuts down the main road.

    Anyway, someone tried to run one of the barricades after failing to stop for a motorcycle officer. He then tried to run down a Reno Police officer who was working security, and the officer opened fire.

    Thankfully, despite the panic the only fatality was the driver of the vehicle. I had to text folks to say I was OK (I went yesterday, and I’ll be going through there tomorrow on my way to the ballgame), but scary nonetheless.

    • kaw143

      Yikes. WTH?

      • Spotts1701

        Yeah, this is how close he got (the vehicle is right behind the officers kneeling on the ground performing CPR on the driver). At 2 o’clock, there were probably a few hundred folks milling around there.

        • Msgr_Moment

          A veritable Reno 9/11. Glad you’re okay.

        • Biff52

          Wonder who lost the sandal? I cringe at having to run in bare feet, especially if I had to run for my life..

          • kaw143

            I’m one of those who cringe at bare feet. If god had intended to for people to go barefoot, he wouldn’t have created Jimmy Choo. SCIENCE FACT!

  • kaw143

    Hey, Kiddoes! Did you miss me!

    I had a VERY successful trip buying the ingredients for my cookout tommorow.

    If, by “successful”, I mean, “Forgot to buy the one ingredient that is LITERALLY in every single dish I am planning to make,” of course!

    THANKS, OBAMA!

    • Astraea

      Canned clams?

      • TJ Barke

        Free the clams! Go commando!

        • Pickwicknext

          Maybe if you come to visit. Otherwise, my clam is staying canned

          • kaw143

            GODDAMN IT!

            BRB. Gotta clean beer off the monitor.

          • Pickwicknext

            I’m classy like that

  • DisarrayAlways
    • kaw143

      That’s fantastic!

  • SeeTrain65

    Whoa, there, trolls! Don’t say anything you might regret later.

  • Rick Hill

    Wow. Nothing happening and youse guys just get on here and make all kinds of comments about not a whole lot of anything. well, I can do that too.
    ….
    ….

    Ok, I got nothing.

  • motmelere

    Why am I so amused by someone who can wish slow painful deaths on others, but is too delicate to spell fuck, pussy, bitch and ass properly? There must be something seriously wrong with me.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      But. none of the words in the phrase “I hope she gets titty cancer” are curse words, so they’re all ok.

      • kaw143

        My mom would slap you for saying “titty.”

        Hell, she once told me to watch my mouth when I was talking about Hootie and the Blowfish.

        • Poe’s Law

          And right she was

  • Pinkham’s Law

    We’d all love to see the plan.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGLGzRXY5Bw

  • kaw143

    Id need some hot stuff, but I can’t make any because I forgot to buy the most important ingredient. That means I’ll have to make ALL the hot stuff tomorrow!

    https://youtu.be/1IdEhvuNxV8

    …What do you mean, “That’s not what the song is about”?

    • Pinkham’s Law

      OK, since you’ve now repeatedly stated that you forgot the key ingredient without mentioning what it is, I’ll ask the question you’re hinting you want asked: What did you forget?

      • kaw143

        OH!

        I forgot the heavy cream.

        We are going to have roast beast sandwiches on tomato arugula bruschetta with a balsamic reduction and creamy horseradish dressing, creamy chunky tomato soup with gorgonzola and balsamic berry shortcakes with fresh whipped cream.

        And booze.

        • Pickwicknext

          Heavy cream makes everything better. I have made Mexican Hot chocolate with it. I am all about healthy choices

        • Pinkham’s Law

          Well, crap. Beats the shit out of the tomato sammies (on white bread, with mayo), potato chips, sharp cheddar & feta cheeses, with melon chunks & blueberries in cream that I had for lunch today!

          And, c’mon, – mommyblog & recipiehub. OF COURSE someone was gonna ask!

          • kaw143

            Good point.

            I’m really hoping the soup works out. In my head it works, but I’m totally winging that one.

            And your lunch sounds wonderful!

  • Pickwicknext

    Just got home from Tarzan. Had a great time out with friends seeing a ridiculously cheesy movie with a super hot dude.

    • kaw143

      Did they explain why he’s wearing trousers in all of the publicity stills?

      • Pickwicknext

        Yes. It’s an actually semi reasonable one too. Apparently Skarsgard wants the sequel to be about Tarzan eating cake so he doesn’t have to work out

    • kaydenpat

      The best version of Tarzan was the cartoon “George of the Jungle”.

      • Pickwicknext

        Also, Brendan Fraser George of the Jungle

      • SisterArtemis

        In any case, “watch out for that tree” seems like wise advice, in general

        • BloviateMe

          Too soon for a Sonny Bono joke?

          Yeah, it’s probably in bad taste.

          • Pickwicknext

            Taste and tact are overrated

          • BloviateMe

            True.

            Hey Sonny, why must you……leaf us, so soon.

  • kaydenpat

    Banhammering seems like so much fun!

    • Pickwicknext

      Until you think it happened to you…

      • kaydenpat

        True. Lol!

    • CriticalDragon1177

      Not for the pathetic losers being banhammered I would imagine!

    • Jonny On Maui

      The occasional drive by isn’t too bad. But then there’s times where the downright nasty racist trolls show up in waves. Sometimes the stupid comes in like the tide. The Swingers of the Wholy Banhammer must wade through the muck and derp, knowing there is no end.

      Damn. Just killed my own buzz…

    • TJ Barke

      Dok with his banhammer:

      • SisterArtemis

        Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra…

        [edit: just realized that phrase is supposed to have an image after it; Disqus is being uncoopeerative, so all I got was the phrase… which took me to… well, either you get it or you don’t…]

        • TJ Barke

          ST:TNG.

      • kaw143

        And here he is with his boomstick:

        https://i.ytimg.com/vi/glznHu6t-X4/maxresdefault.jpg

        • TJ Barke

          Silly kaw143. Ash hunts deadites, not trolls.

          • kaw143

            Well, SO FAR.

  • Biff52

    “Jonathan White” sure seems to hate Warren and Clinton!
    You know who else hates Clinton? Malcolm X, apparently
    Usual admonition to avoid the comments applies.

    • kaw143

      “Ammoland”?

      Nope, nope, nope.

      • Biff52

        It’s been posted all over fuck me, pick one.

        • kaw143

          Oh! Sorry. I was talking about the idea of the site in general, not necessarily refusing to go there. Because I did read the thing by the white guy whitemansplaining what that black dude was on about.

          • Tansy Geek

            Forgive me but I’ll take a pass. I already have heartburn and raining vomit on my iPad is not covered by the warranty.

          • kaw143

            It’s an iPad. NOTHING is covered by the warranty.

          • Biff52

            Oh, I’m not offended. I rarely click on anything I find here!

          • Tansy Geek

            My curiousity got the better of me. Well, that was a thing.
            “Malcolm X has a message for the Clinton administration concerning two sacred Democratic Party cows it will soon be milking.”
            I kind of though Malcolm was dead and didn’t know Clinton went in for seances, but OK. Oh, you mean Spike Lee’s movie is bringing us Malcolm X message. Not that I would put much truck in Spike Lee’s interpretation of how to operate a micro wave, never mind this duck squeezer’s interpretation of Spike Lee’s interpretation of Malcolm X.
            Skip to the part about guns; it’s good Malcolm X advocated for guns ownership, let’s just not remind our readers he was black. Or that this means lots of armed black people, coming to take our guns. Damn. Slipped up there and returned to the programmed message.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      because of course the central message from Malcolm X was “take away their welfare checks and give them guns”

    • doktorzoom

      Actually, the comments are hilarious.In reply to this guy’s little gospel of firearms as the best thing ever for black empowerment, he got: 1) a screed calling for sending them all back to Africa, since The Blacks are inherently criminal and simply incapable of living in a law-abiding society, 2) an explanation that racism is hard-coded into human nature for our own good 3) a dissent to his statement that the Civil War ended slavery, because it was already dying out and the war was over tariffs, 4) a denunciation of his suggestion that Rodney King and Malice Green were victims of government violence, since both were “career criminal felons who refused to submit to legal apprehension,” and 5) precisely one white conservative saying he has always admired Malcolm X.

      • Biff52

        The article I read was in a dead tree magazine from the California Rifle and Pistol Association. I quit the NRA a long time ago, time to cut this one loose, too. I do hope I get their election guide, though.

  • CriticalDragon1177

    PaulJones6482,

    “Texas, Ignore The Supreme Court And Enforce Your Abortion Laws Anyway”

    Yes and do you remember how that worked out for Southern States that refused to integrate after Brown V Board of Education? Do you want to see what will happen in Texas if the federal government is forced to compel Texas to obey the law?

    Also you want to advocate states just disobey supreme court rulings they don’t like? If that become the law of the land, we might as well not have a supreme court.

    • revenant

      Texas, alone among the Confederate states, was not successfully overrun and punished for treason until after their armies had surrendered (too far away and too unimportant to send the first team in). they seem to require some remedial education on the wisdom of defying the Federal government

      • CriticalDragon1177

        Along with many far right American loons, especially in the deep south.

    • Spotts1701

      Maybe they should ring up Mississippi, asked how it went when the Army showed up to make sure James Meredith could enroll at Ole Miss.

      • CriticalDragon1177

        I know, I would love to see him and his buddies try to take on the entire US military. If they think that out country’s easy access to guns will somehow allow them to stand up to the strongest, most professional army in the world, they’ll soon find out just how wrong they are.

  • Nova McIntosh

    Way WAY OT but there’s no place else for this mini bitch:
    Apologies in advance for the intrusion thread wise…
    Oil Rally Threatened as Gasoline Supply Surge Swamps U.S. Demand – Bloomberg
    https://apple.news/Amd5INldnREqBo3od1qu8uQ

    So the first sentence is ‘Americans seemingly insatiable thirst for gas’…
    I have a problem with that.
    If cars were electric/hydro/ dark matter fission whatever and cost efficient, AMERICANS WOULDN’T HAVE AN INSATIABLE thirst for it.
    Motherfuckers. Motherfukingfuckers.
    I will now not implode.

    • kaw143

      Don’t implode! It sounds fun until you create a singularity!

      • Nova McIntosh

        Exactly! I know this from experience

      • Poe’s Law

        But if I become a singularity, then I no longer have to deal with wicked, evil, irredemable humanity.

        Sounds good to me.

      • SisterArtemis

        All the singularity ladies… All the singularity ladies… Now put your hands up!

        • Pickwicknext

          You don’t even need to put a ring on it

      • Pinkham’s Law

        But it’s kinda cool to watch.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBq5uapC-e0

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          I TOLD YOU NOT TO OPEN THE OVEN DOOR!

          • Pickwicknext

            Now I have to start the souffle again!

          • Spotts1701

            Eggs?

          • Pickwicknext

            Ter….

            Min…..

            Ate!

    • revenant

      please don’t. think of the mess someone else will have to clean up

      and we don’t want to lose a wonketeer, also too

      • Nova McIntosh

        And exploding even messier and splody sploding… Man you do. not. want. to. see. that.
        Oh the memories…

    • malsperanza

      Heating fuel is now gas rather than oil. Homes and buildings are converting because gas is much cleaner airwise … and if you ignore that whole fracking thang.

      But yeah: if solar tech were advanced enough for northern cities, that gas usage would drop off too.

    • TJ Barke

      If only we could get successful cost effective fusion. A hydrogen economy could be a thing.

    • katz

      As if it’s soda or cologne or something.

      Yes, Americans do have an ongoing need to be places, the universe not arranging itself so that everything is right here where I am, and that need continues to not be met by alternate forms of transportation. So yes, until we rearrange the universe to suit my needs, I will have to drive places.

      I drove 120 miles in the past two days for a volunteer position I do from home.

  • CriticalDragon1177

    “Yay, the baby killers on the left can try to murder more babies. Well maybe the people need to carry out some justice”

    Hey PaulJones6482, I have news for you, if you or anyone else wants to “carry out some justice” here, they better be prepared to go to jail. Trying to use violence to further a political goal is terrorism, and the government of the United States, or any state won’t stand for it. The only group in American history that was really able to get what it wants through terrorism was arguably the KKK, but that was because most Americans ( as long as they were white, but whites were a huge percentage of the population at the time, ) supported their goals, and didn’t empathize with their victims. You and your “pro life,” anti marriage equality buddies don’t have the support of anywhere near enough Americans to be able to do something like what the KKK did.

    • Poe’s Law

      A lot of abortion clinic bombers got off pretty well.

      I figure as long as you’re white and Christian, tbe law doesn’t really apply

      • CriticalDragon1177

        I don’t know of too many that “got off,” especially if they murdered someone.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Speaking of asploding, the electricity in my house just went out for 40 minutes while I was reading this here Shit Fer Brains. I’ll take it as a comment on the “White” person, if that is indeed his name.

    • Biff52

      White Power outage!

    • Pickwicknext

      Were you listening to Fight the Power at the time as well?

      • Jukesgrrl

        No, but I was singing Burning Down the House earlier today.

    • Sardonicuss

      God. Most def God. What have you been doing?

      • Poe’s Law

        Evil thoughts. Definitely evil thoughts that God in his righteousness righteously punished.

        No doubt evil sexy thoughts.

        • Sardonicuss

          Well, he has to take time out from his real estate biz (Israel – Palestine) to occasionally just fuck with random people’s electrical service.
          He’s fucking busy. He needs entertainment. When your power goes out – God.
          * ..and I’m not saying anything. ..but its usually about ..masterbation. Apparently he really hates that shit.

          • Poe’s Law

            Israel-Palestine is just a sideline now. His real business is thought policing

          • SisterArtemis

            does it pay well?

          • Poe’s Law

            If the praise and adulation of the fatuous mean anything to you, then yes

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      A/C overload took down a substation?

      It’s either that or demons…

      • Jonny On Maui

        Suicidal wildlife. Some of those squirrels really have nothing to live for…

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          thanks Obama!

        • Sardonicuss

          Apparently, they grew bored with gnawing their way into my house. I’m trying to convince them of the delicious succulence of power lines.

          • Bad Granny

            I went downstairs to start a load of laundry and was greeted by a bat just chillin’ in the washer. Wanna trade?

          • kaw143

            What was my mother doing in your washing machine?

          • Bad Granny

            Sadly, not the laundry. Grandpa caught her and left her on the porch if you would like to come collect her.

          • SisterArtemis

            I once found half a mouse in the washer… never found the head…

          • Jonny On Maui

            The head ran off with a sock…

          • kaw143

            Your version of Hickory, Dickory, Dock is hella scary, Jonny.

          • Bad Granny

            Jonny on Maui: Solver of mysteries: Knower of Stuff and Things!

          • SisterArtemis

            But does she drink and know things? that’s the clincher!

          • Jonny On Maui

            Most of my knowledge comes from tv…

          • Bad Granny

            So you’re saying you’re qualified to run for POTUS.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I run to the POTUS at least twice a day and god knows how many times at night…

            Oh. I read POTTY…

          • doktorzoom

            I know I keep saying I need new glasses, but… I read that as “half a moose”… and was waiting to hear how it bit someone’s sister.

          • BloviateMe

            In half, to appease the OCD’ers out there.

          • TJ Barke

            Very nasti.

          • Bad Granny

            It takes a special person to karve initials on a mouse.

          • Sardonicuss

            Did it do the fandango?

          • TJ Barke

            Skalamoosh.

          • Pickwicknext

            I’m sure we’ve discussed this incident further down in the non comments today

          • Sardonicuss

            Oh. He just thought you were cool with a little rabies! No big.

          • malsperanza

            Aww, bats are the best thing if you want all those Zika mosquitos and Lyme disease ticks eaten right up. In fact, bats are the bestest in general.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Until it faded into nothingness, I had, as a souvenir, a hospital bracelet with my name on it and, underneath, “Bitten By a Bat.”

          • Bad Granny

            This. Is. My. Nightmare.

          • SayItWithWookies

            It wasn’t the bat’s favorite night either. I knew I had to save it to test for rabies. Fortunately it was latched so hard onto my finger that I didn’t need to worry about it getting away. I carried it around until I found a plastic baggie, then grabbed it by the scruff of the neck and it instantly let go, and I dropped it into the baggie and took it with me to the hospital. Made for a very interesting evening.

          • Courser

            I like bats, they’re good critters that eat a lot of mosquitos, but I would not be pleased to find one in my washer. Cripes, you sure Dracula isn’t hanging out somewhere down there too?

          • Bad Granny

            It turns out that charming old houses tend to have charming old plumbing and charming bat colonies in the attic.

            ETA: Which sometimes find their way into the spooky AF basement, or into the dining room to fly in circles around the massive old light fixture.

        • SisterArtemis
          • Sardonicuss

            Someday. That squiril will be reincarnated as a person, and those laughing dudes will be reincarnated as squirrels. Who will have last laugh then ?

          • revenant

            ever read “The Revenge of the Lawn” by Richard Brautigan?

            it’s available online, for free, at Open Books

          • SisterArtemis

            I haven’t thought about “the revenge of the lawn” for years. Still have a flimsy paperback copy somewhere…

        • Courser

          Hell, yesterday a freaking *bear* killed itself shorting out a transformer up a pole. Lineman showed up to find the dead bear at the bottom of the pole.

          • Pickwicknext

            Well, they are the number one threat to America

          • Courser

            Man, have we got bears. Bears breaking into people’s cars, in their driveways, and tearing them up. We’ve got bears in the ‘burbs and in Boulder! We’ve got baby bears taking naps in peoples’ backyard trees.

            We’ve had a couple of nice, wet springs in a row, so everything’s prolific right now. Especially bears.

        • Jukesgrrl

          Where I live, that’s more likely than other scenarios I could imagine.

      • Luciferian Zionists! They hate that we have electrons…

      • Jukesgrrl

        We got power back for about 30 minutes, fixed all the re-sets and stuff, and it went out again. For about a half hour the second time. It’s hot today, but it was far hotter many days in June and at least in my neighborhood many people appear to be out of town. So it seems unlikely the system would be taxed that much today.

  • SisterArtemis

    I know I’m a little slow on the uptake, but I just figured out that if you hover over the “Wonkette” red-letter logo at the top of the page, the caption thingey reads “Vile Nasty Snarkmob.” It’s more official than I realized!

    • SayItWithWookies

      I think Wonkette appropriated it from a tweet by Cindy McCain, Senator John’s billionaire wife. At least that’s how I remember it.

      • SisterArtemis

        Well done, Wonkette, well done!

        • SayItWithWookies

          I was looking for supporting materials but haven’t found them yet. It was definitely from some Republican’s twitter feed though.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    The Flying Anger Monkeys will be a bitch to deal with come November after HRC is presidentia electora.

  • kaw143

    Oh, btw, @novamcintosh:disqus, sometimes at night, a dance party will break out. It’s just one of those things.

    https://youtu.be/Tc1IphRx1pk

    • Nova McIntosh

      As if I didn’t already love this place…sigh

      • kaw143

        We only tend to get complaints for this when we break teh Wonkette with all of the videos of debbil music, or when we dance over snark about Mitch McConnell. The former makes sense. The latter is a mystery we should probably get Obamamoney to study.

        • Pinkham’s Law

          With almost 1300 non existent comments,I’m amazed ti isn’t already breakaded.

          • Sardonicuss

            Get a life you people!…..oh wait…

    • Pinkham’s Law

      As i she wasn’t scary enough on her own!
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0XLzIswI2s

    • Pinkham’s Law

      But, if you’re leading off with Grace, I’m not sure what the theme is. “scary black Amazon wimmens doing really weird music and videos” is kinda limiting.

      • BloviateMe

        Plays nicely into Serena’s win today, though.

      • kaw143

        I’ve suggested patriotic upthread, but there are probably any number of videos that meet this criterion. Though, it appears that Bad Granny’s suggestion of Nerd Dance Party might be gaining more traction.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    We’ve got trouble, right here in River City.

    With a capital T and that rhymes with G and that stands for GHEY!

    http://liberaldarkness.com/2015/07/04/gays-are-lacing-fireworks-with-homosexual-chemtrails/

    • kaw143

      HA! I just found this website, today.

    • Nova McIntosh

      Well the article says the CDC confirmed it. It must be true

    • SisterArtemis

      I did not realize rainbow-hued lights turned people ghey. This is going to be SO EASY!!!

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        plus the mind control drugs released in the combustion of the fireworks- the whole damn town is ghey now!

      • kaw143

        THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT!

        https://youtu.be/rS6efGL_cF0

    • Spotts1701

      Are we talking just 4th of July fireworks, or is this more of an “all the time” thing with respect to the gheyness-causing chemicals?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Best not to take any chances- if your son or grandson were exposed, put some Steven Seagal movies on infinite loop and lock them in the TeeVee room until you know the crisis has passed

        • SisterArtemis

          I don’t know… Steven Seagal is kind of hunky – it might swing things the other way

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Have you seen him lately?

          • SisterArtemis

            I try to NEVER see him… has he lost the hunkiness? karma’s a bitch…

          • kaw143
          • BloviateMe

            “What is the essence of a man?”

            “Mostly onion rings, I guess.”

          • TJ Barke

          • Sardonicuss

            Craft services damn it!!

          • kaw143

            Craft services did NOT forget the heavy cream, apparently.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Craft services is now a ghost town, apparently

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            eat your heart out, Fat Elvis!

          • kaw143

            Don’t give Fat Elvis any ideas!

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Charlie, where’s the sammich plate?

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            last couple times I saw him, he’d gone from hunky to chunky to say the least…

          • Jonny On Maui

            He kinda looks like he’s holding twice as much water in his cells as he should. That’s just how he looks to me…

          • BloviateMe

            LMAO, what an absolutely fucked up thing to say.

            You are my kind of people, sir.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Thank you sir!

          • Sardonicuss

            X-Men congressman!

          • Jonny On Maui

            Eggsactly!

          • Sardonicuss

            Did you ever read the story about how on set, he insists on kicking all his co-stars in the nuts! Clinically insane!

          • Jonny On Maui

            Ummm… no. And no, I don’t need the link thankyouverymuch…

          • Sardonicuss

            Okay, but its beautiful. The story is basicly told by one of his co-stars who actually heard about it before hand…and makes sure he doesn’t get the opportunity to do it. By turning sideways whenever he meets him..ect….
            He’s squirrelly….

          • Jamoche

            Hadn’t heard that one, but it was common knowledge in martial arts circles in the 80s that he didn’t pull punches on his stuntmen.

          • Courser

            He’s got the dreaded ‘bloat’!!!

    • Jonny On Maui

      While the link between fireworks and geo-engineering vis-a-vis chemtrails is well known in the scientific community,

      That’s as far as I got. That’s just…there’s…gives me brainlock…

      • bobbert

        I read a couple of other “articles”. I THINK the site is satire.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          they’re no http://christwire.org/ but they are pretty entertaining

        • Jonny On Maui

          As the ‘about us’ was in another language and I’m too lazy to translate I can only hope so…

        • BloviateMe

          These two headlines were sort of telling in that regard:

          Genetically Engineered Beluga Whales Are Attacking Christian Families with Homosexual Chemtrail Water at Seaworld

          Fire Ants Are Being Laced with Homosexual Chemtrails to Bite Christians And Convert Them To Homosexuality

          • SisterArtemis

            So, my only question is where do I buy these homosexual chemtrails? can I get them at my local hardware store, or is this more of an amazon dot com sorta thing?

          • BloviateMe

            In Oregon, we are forced to buy only the artisanal stuff, at the Saturday market. It’s effective, but has that annoying patchouli smell. I wish it would come in different flavors.

          • kaw143

            And you probably can’t pump it yourself, also, too.

          • SisterArtemis

            Cool. Haven’t been to the Market for years, now I have a reason to go!

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I’m all for chemtrails, but the patchouli? Dear God…

          • Zippy W Pinhead
          • SisterArtemis

            now I have teh sadz

            THANKS OBAMA >:(

    • BloviateMe

      ‘Operation Bang’

      That’s beyond fabulous.

      • TJ Barke

        What my friends call it when they go to a bar.

        • BloviateMe

          More often than not, the scud misfires.

    • MizzMazz

      But why do the fireworks only make boy gheys? Asking for a friend…

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        the patriarchy lives…

  • Wee Mousie

    “That’s all. Don’t you people have some barbecues to attend to?”

    Well, actually doc, for me the speeches, the celebrations, the fireworks and the barbecue took place on Friday. Saturday was for siting around with a headache and hangover, topped with indigestion..

    You can probably figure out why from these five Tweets:

    Happy Canada Day. For the next 12 hours, all moose love is legal.
    The average citizen sings O Canada 6% louder than usual on Canada Day.
    Happy Canada Day to nice people and even asshole geese.
    Just found out America doesn’t celebrate Canada Day until July 4th? Weird.
    What are your Canada Day resolutions? Mine is, “I’m sorry.”

    Today is the Pride Parade in Toronto!

    • Wee Mousie

      PM… er … PS.

      For the first time a current Prime Minister marched.

    • Sardonicuss

      I can’t explain it, and don’t know why. But did it feel like this week, as opposed to recent weeks… for some inexplicable reason, in myriad mysterious ways..things actually got better?

      • Wee Mousie

        No half-a-hundred people were killed or maimed because of who they loved, no churches, synagogues or mosques were set on fire, the cops didn’t shoot, taze, or choke any black children or olds in wheelchairs, that I heard, so there’s that.

        Also, today, for the first time, a current Canadian Prime Minister marched in a Gay Pride Parade.

        I agree. Baby steps. baby steps.

        • Jukesgrrl

          As you people are fond of saying, “I’ll be in my bunk.”

          • Wee Mousie

            “We people” maybe, but me people prefer saying join me in my bunk.

          • Wee Mousie

            That’s great, but for your purposes, I believe you’d be better off in a bunk at Rideau Cottage on Sussex Drive.

            Oh, and by the way. Keep a weather eye peeled for Sophie.

  • kaw143

    Patriotic dance party?

    https://youtu.be/wxiMrvDbq3s

    • Jeff in the desert

      I need me one of those bumper stickers…

  • Jeff in the desert

    How I spent my 4th of July weekend…

    • Courser

      Sweet!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Shiprock, right?

      • Jeff in the desert

        RIght. Although there is a rumor the Navajos stole Gibraltar and drug it out here……

        • Pickwicknext

          I saw that on the interwebz somewhere

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        used to drive by that all the time on my way to gigs in Telluride

    • Pinkham’s Law

      You could do worse.

      • Jeff in the desert

        Damn straight. Great ride today with my sweetie on a pair of the greatest bikes around.

    • Barley_Brains

      Did you grab a burger in Farmington?

      • Jeff in the desert

        Naw…thai food, pizza…..

        • Barley_Brains

          Thai in Farmington? My how time changes things. In this case for the better.

  • Bad Granny
  • Pinkham’s Law

    “Patriotic music.” Why do I think we have a different definition than the Rs?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joNzRzZhR2Y

  • kaw143

    It’s patriotic, because California is a state:

    https://youtu.be/lrfhf1Gv4Tw

    • Pinkham’s Law

      I’ll allow it!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    More Patriotic music. Mellencamp covers Billy Joel.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFPTieFT7KI

  • Bad Granny
  • Celtic_Gnome

    Jonathan White’s creative use of asterisks makes his rants seem even more obscene than they actually are.

  • kaw143
  • BloviateMe

    I feel like I’m doing this wrong.

    https://youtu.be/NHtppfLXzXE

    • Jonny On Maui

      You’re doin’ just fine…

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I believe that’s Fanfare For The Common Man at the beginning. If so, most apprpriate.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJFmRA7ousE

  • SisterArtemis

    On the “I love America” theme:
    https://youtu.be/Qy6wo2wpT2k?t=2m17s

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I always loved the notion that you could walk through the upper west side and shout “Maria” and only one girl would answer…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Shouting “Stella!” would get you nowhere.

  • kaw143

    “America’s Been Really Good at Stoking the Fire Since the 50s: The Song”

    https://youtu.be/eFTLKWw542g

    • badphairy

      Still waiting for this to be taught as American history in h.s.

  • data_ninja

    You can still rock in America! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Oka6fB_xo

  • Jonny On Maui
  • Barley_Brains

    “…modern Renaissance Moran.”

    That is worth the monthly subscription for July. Everything else is bonus material. Happy 4 July Dok and Editrix and everybody else behind my Wonket.

  • kaw143
    • Sardonicuss

      WTF podcast with Mark Maron just did two hours with old Neil there. Well worth the listen. Neil is the man..and so are you Mark. Boomer lives!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    OK, they’re Brits. But, the song was written to protest the Vietnam War. AND it’s credited as one of the very first “Heavy Metal” songs. I’m claiming it as Patriotic, dammit! Fight me for it, bro.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFHUhbOyT94

  • kaw143
  • Jonny On Maui

    Doing ‘Patriotic’ for a while…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SboRijhWFDU

  • Sami

    But barbecues were saturday in Australia. For DEMOCRACY SAUSAGES.

  • Pickwicknext

    Dance party interruption! Netflix has new episodes of Raiders of the Lost Art! I am so excited I could Plotz!

    • kaw143

      DON’T PLOTZ! BAD BIRD!

      I am excited for this and the second season of Marco Polo, also, too.

      • Pickwicknext

        I just finished Welcone to Leith which was about White Supremacists trying to take over this tiny town in North Dakota

        • kaw143

          That sounds … fun?

          • Pickwicknext

            I go out to see silly and fun movies. At home, docs all the time. Also, out of the 42 movies I saw at TIFF last year, like 18 were docs

  • data_ninja

    Something a bit different, kind of cheesy *ducks* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_4kU9cwgXM

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Do YOU spend half your life coverin’ up?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alBGJ4UK-PU

  • kaw143

    TODAY! …But not tomorrow, if Trump gets his way.

    https://youtu.be/wTSLRbm8L9E

  • Jeff in the desert

    night all….happy 4th

  • BloviateMe
    • Jonny On Maui

      Excellent!

  • Jonny On Maui

    There was a time we had a mission and we all knew what that mission was. Then we lost sight of the mission and our current president finally completed it.

    Now that the original mission is over, what’s the mission now? Please don’t let these lives go in vain.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTYYDQH5mfY

  • SayItWithWookies

    When it comes to the most quintessential American song, I think there’s only one. And there might be better versions of it than this one, but this is my favorite:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2bigf337aU

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Canuckistanian, but damn. If this isn’t USA patriotic, WTF?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdVMGKOFIwY

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      It’s like the way Robbie Robertson could do such a good job writing about the southern experience despite being a Canuck

      • snigsy

        I’ve had a serious crush on Robbie Robertson for decades. Now I feel old, too.

  • Sardonicuss
    • kaw143

      ‘Night!

    • Jonny On Maui

      Good Night!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Sleep well.

    • SeeTrain65
  • data_ninja

    James Brown – Living In America
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5BL4RNFr58

    Weird Al – Living with a Hernia
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8Ow1nlafOg

  • kaw143
  • Pinkham’s Law
  • Jonny On Maui

    For me there’s one song that combines the different styles of ‘Americana’ music and it’s this one;

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R82OM5tzcrk

  • kaw143
  • TJ Barke

    Everybody just shut up for the next 18 minutes:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdZQ5xEONnk

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Yeah, so don’t vote Trump.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCTVU3gUqME

    • TJ Barke

      Freshman year of high school. God that makes me feel old…

      • Pinkham’s Law

        “Freshman year of High school.” YOU feel old? Fuck you, child!

        • kaw143

          IK, R? My Freshman year of high school was in 1996.

          • Amy!

            Mine was 1976. I wonder if we have anyone here whose freshman high school year was 1956?

          • cynmac

            1976 for me as well. My mom’s freshman year of college was 1956.

          • Beulah

            My mom went to the 50th reunion of her college graduating class (class of 1935) and her PE instructor was in attendance!

          • Beulah

            Class of ’75 … and ’76. Yeah, I was a troubled youth. Eventually dropped out, joined the Army, then maintained a 3.9 GPA in college. Go figure.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            So, I graduated before you were born? Thanks. I feel so much younger now.

          • TJ Barke

            Stop complaining, old!

          • Pinkham’s Law

            It’s what we do, you know. Now, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!1!

          • kaw143

            YOU’RE WELCOME!

        • TJ Barke

          over 10 years ago, and it feels like it was just last week…

          • kaw143

            Y’see, mine really does feel like 20 years ago.

        • JohnW

          I refuse to incriminate myself and state when I was a freshman in high school. I think Carter was still president, the hostages were still in Iran, and Maggie was PM in the UK. The exchange was about the same as today tho….. Que sera sera….

          • Biff52

            Johnson was president my freshman year, ya punk.

          • revenant

            class of ’72? ’73?

          • Biff52

            69.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          no kidding…

        • badphairy

          I don’t remember when it came out b/c I’d already stopped listening to pop music. *puts on Europe ’72*

        • Biff52

          Class of 69 here. And yes, we thought we invented it.

      • SeeTrain65

        2004 was my freshman year of remembering my freshman year of high school was 25 years earlier. Today I start my freshman year of remembering what I did two minutes earlier.

        • TJ Barke

          How drunk are you?

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Don’t worry about it. You’ll understand when you’re an adult.

          • TJ Barke

            I really don’t wanna…

          • SeeTrain65

            I don’t know. I lost count at 30.

      • Beowoof14

        Well mine was in 1968 so there is a freshman who feels really old now.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Randallstar ain’t a racist . . . he just knows for a fact that Luciferian Zionism rules our world. When you really believe it, not only is it not a lie, it’s also not racist.

    BTW, if you Google “Luciferian Zionism”, prepare for a wild ride deep into a rabbit hole of lunacy.

  • dshwa

    Luciferian Zionism rules our world, orchestrated through the devilish Cryptocracy achieved by the Masonic Gnostic Rosicrucian elite doing their dark work on the masses while the Red Shield takes everything you have, and the corporate world takes nearly everything our Mother has, or had.

    You don’t even understand those words, and call it stupid? It would take you a month or more to research those in detail, and then you can argue with me on that subject.

    The problem with Sarah Palin is her being a major party VP pick helped legitimize every other bowl of word salad out there. Thanks a lot John McCain.

  • data_ninja

    Do you like American Music? I like American Music. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohiGATUHjxs

  • kaw143

    Director Michael Cimino has died. Of The Deer Hunter fame, and Heaven’s Gate infamy.

    https://youtu.be/IiNlthlz1d8

    “Heaven’s Gate” was the name of the skating rink. No, really.

    • TJ Barke

      My parents saw some of those heaven’s gate people at The Port Hole restaurant in Gold Beach OR about a week or so before the mass suicide.

      • kaw143