Spirits of sin and evil must have infested Colorado Tuesday, since that’s the only possible explanation for the surprising Republican primary loss by Wonkette frenemy Gordon Klingenschmitt, whose brief career as a member of the state legislature is now over after a single term in the House — where perhaps he should have stayed instead of running for the state Senate. No matter what the issue was, you could count on Klingenschmitt to be on the absolute wrong side of it. He’s the sort of guy who could probably find a reason to oppose fixing potholes because asphalt is brewed in the demonfires of Hell.
And so, a fond farewell to “Dr. Chaps” — a nickname he was fond of because he used to be a Navy Chaplain, not because he favors leather fetish gear … or so he’d have us believe. He’s certainly not leaving the Internet/Radio Preacher business anytime soon, so we can’t really expect an actual goodbye, but at least he won’t be filling the Colorado Statehouse with the stench of sanctimony and asparagus pee.
Just in case you’d somehow missed this paragon of moral scolding and pure stupid, let’s remind you of some of Gordon’s Greatest KlingenHitts:
Klingenschmitt first became a Little Big Deal in religious Right circlejerks for his brave opposition to oppression of Christians, for which he was quite literally martyred, except without the dying for his faith part. But he definitely suffered for his faith, or at least for his pigheaded decisions related to it, which are exactly the same thing. Back in 2006, way back before Barack Obama destroyed America, Klingenschmitt was drummed out of the Navy for his righteous refusal to obey Godless Pentagon orders that (he claimed) prohibited chaplains from “praying in Jesus’ name.” Except that’s not what happened at all. It’s true that the Pentagon directs chaplains to limit themselves to nonsectarian prayers at “command functions” where all personnel are required to attend, but there was never a prohibition on mentioning Jesus in religious services, and Klingenschmitt was never disciplined for praying to Jesus even at command functions. What did get Klingenschmitt kicked out of the Navy was his decision to wear his Navy uniform to a March 2006 White House demonstration against the Pentagon policy, at which he spoke and prayed, in defiance of a longstanding military policy against service members participating in political events while in uniform. That got him court-martialed. So yes, his entire career as a Genuine Victim of Christian Persecution is based on a lie.
Once he started running the rightwing Christianist gravy train, Klingenschmitt quickly got a reputation for reliably loony pronouncements about faith, especially about The Gays and Demons. Demons everywhere:
- He knows why animals turn gay: Gay demons leaking from gay humans.
- He’s said that allowing a transgender kid to use the locker rooms of her choice amounts to visual rape of other girls (and of course that demons are at work there, too).
- He wants to exorcise the demons from atheist kids who objected to attending high school graduation in a church.
- He has a real, practical solution to the problem of wedding photographers who are oppressed by antidiscrimination laws: if you’re forced to take pictures of a homowedding, just let your customers know that you stamp the text of Romans 1:32 on the back of all your photos, to remind them that homosexxicans are “worthy of death.” That should be a real hit with the straight couples, too!
- He knows why the NSA is even a thing: Obama’s possessed by demons, and he wants to watch us all the time.
- He’s warned that Sen. Al Franken “wants to require pedophilia in all public schools, in the form of mandatory pro-gay lectures to all public school children.”
This is the curse of God upon America for our sin of not protecting innocent children in the womb and part of that curse for our rebellion against God as a nation is that our pregnant women are ripped open.
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And now, bereft of the opportunity to make any laws, Dr. Chaps has to go back to the only thing he’s good at, saying stupid shit that the rest of us make fun of him for. We have a feeling he’ll get by. Despite his best efforts to pray them away, The Gays insist on hanging around, Colorado just chose a nice transgender candidate for Senate, and the nation stubbornly refuses to be a theocracy, so we’ll still have Gordon Klingenschmitt to kick around. Metaphorically.