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Whatever. This is just a minor setback
Whatever. This is just a minor setback

Spirits of sin and evil must have infested Colorado Tuesday, since that’s the only possible explanation for the surprising Republican primary loss by Wonkette frenemy Gordon Klingenschmitt, whose brief career as a member of the state legislature is now over after a single term in the House — where perhaps he should have stayed instead of running for the state Senate. No matter what the issue was, you could count on Klingenschmitt to be on the absolute wrong side of it. He’s the sort of guy who could probably find a reason to oppose fixing potholes because asphalt is brewed in the demonfires of Hell.

And so, a fond farewell to “Dr. Chaps” — a nickname he was fond of because he used to be a Navy Chaplain, not because he favors leather fetish gear … or so he’d have us believe. He’s certainly not leaving the Internet/Radio Preacher business anytime soon, so we can’t really expect an actual goodbye, but at least he won’t be filling the Colorado Statehouse with the stench of sanctimony and asparagus pee.

Just in case you’d somehow missed this paragon of moral scolding and pure stupid, let’s remind you of some of Gordon’s Greatest KlingenHitts:

Klingenschmitt first became a Little Big Deal in religious Right circlejerks for his brave opposition to oppression of Christians, for which he was quite literally martyred, except without the dying for his faith part. But he definitely suffered for his faith, or at least for his pigheaded decisions related to it, which are exactly the same thing. Back in 2006, way back before Barack Obama destroyed America, Klingenschmitt was drummed out of the Navy for his righteous refusal to obey Godless Pentagon orders that (he claimed) prohibited chaplains from “praying in Jesus’ name.” Except that’s not what happened at all. It’s true that the Pentagon directs chaplains to limit themselves to nonsectarian prayers at “command functions” where all personnel are required to attend, but there was never a prohibition on mentioning Jesus in religious services, and Klingenschmitt was never disciplined for praying to Jesus even at command functions. What did get Klingenschmitt kicked out of the Navy was his decision to wear his Navy uniform to a March 2006 White House demonstration against the Pentagon policy, at which he spoke and prayed, in defiance of a longstanding military policy against service members participating in political events while in uniform. That got him court-martialed. So yes, his entire career as a Genuine Victim of Christian Persecution is based on a lie.

Once he started running the rightwing Christianist gravy train, Klingenschmitt quickly got a reputation for reliably loony pronouncements about faith, especially about The Gays and Demons. Demons everywhere:

  • He knows why animals turn gay: Gay demons leaking from gay humans.
  • He’s said that allowing a transgender kid to use the locker rooms of her choice amounts to visual rape of other girls (and of course that demons are at work there, too).
  • He wants to exorcise the demons from atheist kids who objected to attending high school graduation in a church.
  • He has a real, practical solution to the problem of wedding photographers who are oppressed by antidiscrimination laws: if you’re forced to take pictures of a homowedding, just let your customers know that you stamp the text of Romans 1:32 on the back of all your photos, to remind them that homosexxicans are “worthy of death.” That should be a real hit with the straight couples, too!
  • He knows why the NSA is even a thing: Obama’s possessed by demons, and he wants to watch us all the time.
  • He’s warned that Sen. Al Franken “wants to require pedophilia in all public schools, in the form of mandatory pro-gay lectures to all public school children.”
When he was elected to the Colorado House of Representatives in 2014, Klingenschmitt was less than successful at driving all the demons out of the state. Klingenschmitt continued his internet/radio show, creatively titled “Pray in Jesus’ Name,” for the one thing he became famous for, factually incorrect or not. But suddenly, since he was actually in government, people who never paid attention to his bloviations started hearing about this wacky preacher/legislator who said terrible things on the radio. Like in early March 2015, when Klingenschmitt reacted to the horrible murders of three Muslim students in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, by proclaiming it proved how persecuted Christians are. And then, just a few weeks into his freshman term in the House, Klingenshmitt Godsplained that a horrific attack on a pregnant Colorado woman happened because God was punishing America for allowing abortion. (Awful details follow, skip down a few lines if you want.)

A pregnant woman in Longmont, Colorado, was attacked by a complete stranger who cut the fetus, 7 months along, out of her womb and left the woman to die, in an attempt to steal the baby. The fetus died as well, and the assailant was arrested when she took it to an emergency room, claiming she’d delivered it prematurely. Klingenschmitt explained this is exactly what happens when nations allow legal abortion:

This is the curse of God upon America for our sin of not protecting innocent children in the womb and part of that curse for our rebellion against God as a nation is that our pregnant women are ripped open.

That was pretty thoughtful of God to allow a pregnant woman to suffer for the whole nation’s sins. Mysterious ways and all. The victim survived, and when Klingenschmitt tried to donate $1000 to a GoFundMe campaign that had been set up to help her, she told the pastor/state representative to go stuff it up his God-hole. The House Republican leadership didn’t appreciate having an unhinged guy hurting the body’s reputation either, so it booted Klingenschmitt from a couple of committee assignments — leading Dr. Chaps to whine that he was being persecuted by the government for his private thoughts of faith, which were privately broadcast all over the interwebs.

After that embarrassment, Klingenschmitt agreed to only do his radio show when the Legislature wasn’t in session, which still left him plenty of time to say crazy Jesus shit. He fretted that the government was fixing to send gay people to do butt stuff right in front of you on your own couch, and got some much-deserved national attention when he told Jessica Williams of “The Daily Show” all about why God gets a sadface when transgender people poop in the wrong toilet:

And just at the start of June, Dr. Chaps met an interracial couple who think gay couples are gross and should be banned, so all liberals must stop comparing marriage equality to Loving v. Virginia, because here are a black woman and white man who know there’s nothing similar to their marriage and filthy sodomites’ marriages, not at all. No, not even the parts involving doing laundry and fixing the roof.

And now, bereft of the opportunity to make any laws, Dr. Chaps has to go back to the only thing he’s good at, saying stupid shit that the rest of us make fun of him for. We have a feeling he’ll get by. Despite his best efforts to pray them away, The Gays insist on hanging around, Colorado just chose a nice transgender candidate for Senate, and the nation stubbornly refuses to be a theocracy, so we’ll still have Gordon Klingenschmitt to kick around. Metaphorically.

[Denver Post / Americans United / RightWingWatch]

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  • Oh, what a good day. I’m celebrating with Pizza. XD

    • kareemachan

      I’m celebrating with some pink champagne-like substance!

      • OOh, that reminds me – I think I have some Kahlua in the fridge. XD

  • Msgr_Moment

    So, Klingenschmidt get wiped and now gets flushed?

  • Skwerl King

    He’s warned that Sen. Al Franken “wants to require pedophilia in all public schools, in the form of mandatory pro-gay lectures to all public school children.”

    That’s why we vote for him up here!

    • borninatrailer

      How would that work? Would you line up for the school nurse like some kind of head lice check and then just get quickly diddled or something?

  • borninatrailer

    The electorate is not longer schmitten with his extreme brand of crazy.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I think the electorate saw that things were getting worse with these fuckwads and they were fixing nada.

  • MrBlobfish

    Anyone who sees that many demons should lay off the PCP.

    • The Wanderer

      He took too much acid while in the Navy.

  • Jeff in the desert

    How can he keep Klingen to this Schit?

    • Jeff in the desert

      I know, I know…..Klingon libelz!!!111!!!

    • Painter of Goats

      Thankfully they have Gordoned him off from saner folks in Colorado, with votes.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    So maybe there is point where these guys are so far out the voters push them off the cliff.

    • onedollarjuana

      A pleasant thought. (with votes)

    • MrBlobfish

      Especially for Colorado Springs.

  • Scooby

    Why did God take his hair?

    • borninatrailer

      Roots were infested with grey demons.

      • Painter of Goats

        Follicle demons, also.

      • arglebargle

        Rusted Root libelz…

  • Spotts1701

    Chaplain, dis-MISSED! *mocking salute*

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I do not think he gets to call himself a Chaplain anymore since he was court martialed and all that, no?

  • MrBlobfish

    Schlonged

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    He seems nice.

    OT: Matt Parrott of the Traditionalist Worker Party said his troupe of neo-nazis plan to attend the RNC Convention!!!!

    lol

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      ohhh goody. So it really WILL be just like you-know-who

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Trump needs speakers. He should invite Matt to give a speech on US-Israel policy, IMO.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Nah keep it closer to home. He should invite Matt to give a speech on race relations.

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            Oh, you mean how he says we need to protect white womens from the darkies?

          • Dr.Zoidberg

            Hey, I’ve seen that in action!

          • BadKitty904

            Where was he when Sarah Palin was in college?

        • Justno

          David Duke is already in the running for that slot.

    • BadKitty904

      How would we be able to tell?

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Well, in Sacramento, there were stabbings and marching and skinheads.

        • BadKitty904

          I’m still not seeing how that’s going to differ from Cleveland…

          • JVisconti

            Gov Rick Scott will be there sharing his skull sun block supply.

          • BadKitty904

            How much would Florida have to pay Ohio to keep him there?

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Speaking for all Ohioans, I can say that Florida does not have that kind of money.

          • BadKitty904

            Yeah, yeah…but – let’s just say we’re spitballin’ here – what kinda dollar-figure might we be lookin’ at?

          • Celtic_Gnome

            If I had to put a minimum number on it, it would have to be at least a brazillion dollars.

    • The Wanderer

      Damned shame that Leni Riefenstahl’s dead. She could really jazz the con up a bit.

      • georgiaburning

        Trump can make major bank selling those snappy uniforms

        • The Wanderer

          Made in China, of course.

    • Justno

      I knew if I stuck around here long enough today I’d eventually have a reason to grin.

    • Callyson

      Guaranteeing this:

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Yep. They says theys a comin’ to “protect Trump supporters”.

        • Callyson

          Oh, that will work out just fine.

    • OddMan

      And don’t forget the 100 naked ladies with mirrors for an “Art Project” will also be in Cleveland for the convention.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        He done just gradiated from University of Maryland, so his daddy prolly hadn’t gone got drunk and done the deed yet.

  • BadKitty904

    Whatever will he do now?

    I s’pose “Seek professional therapy” is too much to ask for, but I’ll settle for “Get a real job“.

  • Dutchman

    I see that picture of Gordo at the top and mutter under my breath to noone in particular “toddler toucher”.

    • The Wanderer

      C’est possible.

  • BadKitty904

    Religious dementia is a helluva drug.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      It’s basically, “Because I said so” mixed with magical thinking.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    So hrm, if God’s Will conquers all and what not, should it not be God’s will that this wingnut lost? God wants the wingnuts to lose; proof because there is no proof.

  • Painter of Goats

    “Dr. Chaps”? He is weird. Most members of the state legislature don’t use their porn names in public.

  • MrBlobfish

    Now he can get back to his real job: Sticking pickles up his ass.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    It is remarkabe just how massively stupidly outrageously unsupported the remarks are that certain religious types make in the name of their religion about knowing why God does things. Just any random fatuous fart in the wind saying why it was God did something… Substitute any other imaginary actor as the cause for such causal certitude and the person would be certifiably nuts… And locked away in a mental institution, if there was one, but there isn’t.

    • Dr.Zoidberg

      And here’s one of the reasons I’m an atheist, because if there was a God he/she/it would surely strike down in righteous fury some of these idiots that purport to speak in his/her/it’s name.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        And that he/she/it doesn’t is proof that he/she/it isn’t

  • The Wanderer

    He’ll be caught snogging a rentboy in a public bathroom soon enough, if that dipshit Haggard was any example.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Good to know there are so many of his fellow travelers in the Air Force. Very comforting indeed.

  • arglebargle

    Tangentially related, Jessica Williams is leaving The Daily Show (which I haven’t been watching). Can’t wait to see what she comes up with.

    http://www.ew.com/article/2016/06/29/jessica-williams-leaving-daily-show

    • doktorzoom

      OK, now that’s something to cry over. Unless she’s getting something bigger and better, which she deserves.

      Oh! And which it is! #NotCryingAfterAll

      • arglebargle

        I loves me some Jessica. Smart, funny as hell, and HAWT.

    • Callyson

      Jessica Williams is moving on to focus on an upcoming project of her own for Comedy Central.

      FINALLY! I’ve been wanting this to happen for some time now…

      • MrBlobfish

        She deserves her own show.

      • Justno

        Oh, ok. I retract my earlier comment. I was afraid she was gone.

    • Justno

      Damn.

    • chazmanr

      They should cancel the Daily Show and move Samantha Bee into the slot.

      • Astraea

        They should have just had Jessica take over as host.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          They offered it to her, and she turned it down, because she didn’t think she had enough experience to handle the job.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Probably because Trevor Noah is a crappy host and the Daily Show is circling the drain…

      • phoenix00

        LIBELZ!!

        (He’s actually improved lots imho.)

    • cat cafe

      Oh! That’s great! She’s terrific! I hope it’s a politically oriented show–she’s been wonderful with her remote pieces. I especially like her interviews with the nutjob black pastor in Harlem, the one who thinks there’s semen in Starbucks cappuccinos, and the way she just looks at him sadly, like “Grandpa, really? People are just laughing at you, it’s sad.”

    • phoenix00

      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

      (unless she’s getting her own show a la Samantha Bee)

  • Dr.Zoidberg

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    And so, a fond farewell to “Dr. Chaps” — a nickname he was fond of because he used to be a Navy Chaplain, not because he favors leather fetish gear … or so he’d have us believe.

    I thought the nickname came from the Military Judge’s remark: “It chaps my ass that this loony is still in the Navy.”

    • OddMan

      It chaps my ass
      That rings true to me. I never heard that expression before I was in the Navy and never so much as back then. But then again maybe it was those damn 13 button pants we wore back then.

  • Creepoman

    You joke about potholes, but if you drive through his hometown of Colorado Springs, you’ll get a glimpse of the crumbling infrastructure that anti-tax zealots seem to crave. Any savings in taxes is offset ten-fold in cost of new alignment, shocks, and rims.

    • Suttree

      So is fixing your own vehicle like Matthew 6:6?

      • Creepoman

        The lord aligns vehicles that align themselves, or something like that.

        • cat cafe

          “And where there were only two tire tread marks, that is where I aligned you…” or something.

          • Creepoman

            One of JC’s broheim’s said it best: “It is far easier for a Lincoln Town Car to pass through the intersection of Union and Academy without losing a hubcap than it is for rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

    • Master Contrail Program

      Ahh, but they can choose to do maintenance on their cars. It’s all about (their) choice

    • fka_donnie_d

      I hate to quote myself, but see my previous comments about how lucky we would be if xtians remained silent as much as they always pretend they do.

    • phoenix00

      I tried to pray away a nail out of my tire once. Worked about as well as you’d expect.

    • Painter of Goats

      I’ve been there when a good downpour turns Constitution into the Kali River Rapids. Perhaps they feel everyone should be building arks as the Lord intended.

  • Hutch

    The Klingenschmitt residence:

    • doktorzoom

      We can’t stop there!

      • The Wanderer

        Yup. Looks like bat country.

    • I thought that was the inside of the Klingenschmitt skull

  • bubbuhh

    Watch yore step in Colorado. Might get clingin shit all over if U don’t.

  • BearGHAZI

    Last homowedding I attended, I visually raped like 50 people

    • bubbuhh

      Did U use one of the big lensed cameras?

    • Dr.Zoidberg

      It’s ok, they were probably asking for it.

    • phoenix00

      with votes?

  • Callyson

    Trump announces his new Colorado staffer in 3…2…1…

  • Spurning Beer

    Mr. Klingenschmidt underwent a very expensive exorcism himself some years ago, and because he could not keep up the payments, he’s been repossessed.

    • Bureaucrap

      Don’t forget to serve your tipper.

      • Jacquelinedlaird

        <.
        ✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★::::::!bg991mm:….,..

    • Incoming Ham

      Try the prime rib, it’s to die for.

  • clubseal

    I’ve made a ton of mistakes at work this week. Demons in my keyboard! Call the exorcist.

    • cat cafe

      That key lime pie FORCED me to eat it! Demons in my kitchen!

      • MrBlobfish

        That’s the pie I like.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      They’re always in shape, because they exorcise!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Well, what are you going to do if your name is Klingonschmitt?…

    • I think you accidentally typed an “m” in that name …

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Sadly for him, this result was the very opposite of Qapla’.

  • kindness

    He seems nice. A Navy man you say? Why do I get the idea that his protestations of the gay seem a little, well….too much? Maybe he loved those big ships filled with other hunky horny men a tad too much?

    • SnarkTank

      So that old joke about battleships and Dr. Chaps and what they have in common…..

      • MarkM

        Why is a submarine like a penis? Because it’s long and round and filled with seamen…

    • MrBlobfish

      Too much seaman?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Damn the pink torpedoes, full speed ahead!

    • Callyson
      • JustPixelz

        Never understood the Indian chief. A better iconic ambisexual American would be a televangelist.

        • I was told by a gentleman of that persuasion that “Cowboy and Indian” is a popular piece of roleplay in the Bondage and Domination community …

      • MrBlobfish

        Can one of you nice sailors translate the semaphore for us landlubbers?

    • georgiaburning

      All those gay demons and short-arm inspections

  • Panika MCD

    I hereby official nominate TX State Rep. Jonathan “Former Fetus” “Sticky” Stickland to be this guy’s mail order bride.

    • Justno

      He’s a special kind of jerkweed, but I wouldn’t oppose TX State Sen. Donna Campbell’s nomination.

      • Panika MCD

        nah, Campbell’s on an asshole. she’s dumb, but she’s nice. I hope that her being so obtuse is because her brain space is simply taken up with all the doctoring knowledges, but I don’t want to test out that theory–in fact, I still want to make fake medical bracelets saying “In case of emergency DO NOT take to Sacred Heart Emergency Center”. if anyone in the Texas Senate deserves to be voted onto The Island of the Holy GFY, it’s Huffines (closely followed by Hall, Burton and Lucio in that order).

        • Justno

          Her husband is an incredibly nice guy, too. Somehow it’s still difficult for me to reconcile their individual niceness with their public positions. I want to dislike them but can’t completely.

          • Panika MCD

            there are a lot of those under the Pink Dome.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Klingenschmitt blamed his defeat on “voter demons” leaking from Democratic primary voters allowed to use the same polling places. He insists that American democracy can never work until pure, Christian folks have separate polling places…where votes count double.

    • Hutch

      Holy leakin’ demons, Batman. I’ll have Gordie know MY demons don’t leak!

  • CJTX

    Once again, haven’t made it through the first paragraph – but happy to hear this douche is done. He was an embarrassment to the state and the lege and the concept of american-style government.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    NO, NOT DR. ASS CHAPS!!!! He was too good for this world, goodnight sweet prince…..

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (maniacal laughter) IT IS ALL GOING TO PLAN! WITH DR. ASS CHAPS NO LONGER IN THE COLORADO HOUSE I WILL POSSESS THEM ALL! THEN THEY WILL RAISE TAXES ON THE WEALTHY, ENSURE WOMEN HAVE A RIGHT TO CHOOSE, STOP DISCRIMINATION AGAINST GAY PEOPLE AND MAKE SURE TRANS PEOPLE ARE ABLE TO UTILIZE ANY FACILITY THEY IDENTIFY WITH!!! THEN I WILL SEIZE THE GUNS AND MAKE WHITE PEOPLE LIVE NEAR BLACK PEOPLE!!!! FEEL THE EVILLLLLZZZZZ!!!

    • Jeff in the desert

      Oh, the Democratic Platform…..

      • Hairstrike Alpha

        Demons authored it….didn’t you know that?

        • Lance Thrustwell

          I thought that parchment looked a little crispy!

  • BadKitty904
  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I’m betting Dok sicced his team of anime demon girls on Klingenschmitt

    with votes!

  • Lefty Frizzell

    What kind of fruitcake voted for this nutbar? i would like to see an in depth interview with one.

  • cheetojeebus

    …To spend more time alternatively touching himself and flogging himself with thorny branches till it all merges into one ugly mess.

  • MarkM

    “And now, bereft of the opportunity to make any laws, Dr. Chaps has to go back to the only thing he’s good at, saying stupid shit that the rest of us make fun of him for.”
    Always play to your strengths, Dr. A. Chaps (the “A” stands for “assless.” True fact.)

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      All chaps are assless*

      *also true fact

      • arglebargle

        But only some asses are chapless.

        • Gleem-McShinez

          Some people say, so you don’t get chapped, you should rub a waxy stick all over it.

          Seems like an invitation to trouble, but what do I know?

      • MarkM

        I learn much good information on Wonkette. Sorry for showing my ignorant ass (not in chaps, though)

      • Astraea

        We should say pantsless chaps, I suppose
        But what fun would that be?

        • MST3K used to put it as “now, no chaps without pants, OK?”

  • Bobwurst

    This question has probably already been answered, but is klingenschmitt German for dingleberry?

    • Hutch

      I thought it was German for rectal polyp.

      • Zhu Bajie

        German for fart.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      No, but “Trump” is German for “Hitler”….

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      It’s a typo- supposed to be Klingon shit

      • Why was (original) the Enterprise like toilet paper?

        Both wiped out Klingons.

  • Bitter Scribe

    The government is not forcing anyone to read the magazine I write for and edit. That means, according to Klingenschmitt standards, that I am being oppressed.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You oppressed me into reading your comment. But, beware, I am about to oppress you into reading mine.

      • Bitter Scribe

        You fiend!

  • Lance Thrustwell

    It’s guys like this that drive us otherwise good folk into the waiting arms…

    …OF SATAN!!!

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a demonic transgender abortionfest (Democratic Party fundraiser). It includes a Blessing of the Gay Pets!

    • The Wanderer

      I don’t mind gay pets, but when the neighbor’s cat starts flouncing about in a tutu, I have to say something. She just can’t master the dance steps.

    • MrBlobfish

      Will the blessing be done by Saint Fabulous of Assisi?

  • Doing the laundry and fixing the roof are the hottest parts of marriage?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Talk about dirty laundry!

      • The Wanderer

        I recall one day when I and the wife decided to have a bit of fun with the laundry.

        Ah, memories.

        • doktorzoom

          Ah. Socks fiends.

          • You deserve a drum roll – or something tympanic.

          • Wee Mousie

            Tinnitus, the never-ending drum roll,

          • CriticalDragon1177

            Satan worshiping socks are the best! ;)

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          What, like folding it, instead of my preferred method of leaving it in the basket next to the dryer?

    • arglebargle

      I have shingled roofs in the summertime. Tis hot.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        I live in AZ, the demon fires of Hell is where we send our asphalt to cool down

        • arglebargle

          So, Texas?

          • GDleftyPart2

            Ajo.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Yuma, if we’re feeling especially mean…

          • GDleftyPart2

            Gaaaaah, no one deserves Yuma.
            No. One.
            Unless you’re gonna stop at Mr. G’s then be a dear and get me a runny bean burrito would you?

          • Skadi

            Didn’t the Devil refuse to take it the first time?

            …The Devil went down and looked over the truck,
            And he said if it came as a gift he was stuck,
            For when he’d examined it carefully and well
            He decided the place was too dry for a hell.

            But the Lord (to just get the stuff off His hands),
            He promised the Devil He’d water the lands,
            For He had some old water that was of no use,
            A regular bog hole that stunk like the deuce.

            So the contract was signed and the deed was given,
            And the Lord went up to his spread up in heaven.
            The Devil soon saw he had everything needed
            To make a good hell and I’ll say he succeeded.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Gayanimals- isn’t that Satan’s line of matching children’s clothing?

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    “And now, bereft of the opportunity to make any laws, Dr. Chaps has to go back to the only thing he’s good at, saying stupid shit that the rest of us make fun of him for”

    Also he needs to work in some speaking in tongues babble and more waving of the arms to reach the next level. You can’t fleece ’em good if god doesn’t make you pretend you’re a white James Brown….

    • The Wanderer

      Maybe he could go up into the mountains and demonstrate his faith by handling poisonous snakes? Other weirdo Christianists do.

      • Why do you hate snakes so much?

        • The Wanderer

          I don’t. I used to have a red-tailed boa as a pet. Poisonous snakes, though, have an Unfair Advantage.

      • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

        Every time that one of them dies from a snake bite, it’s Darwinism in action.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Never enough, though.

          Take up the slack, snakes.

  • going4baroque

    PSA fun fact: I never say “god bless you” or even “bless you” when someone within earshot sneezes. And some sneezers even look at me aghast, in wordless admonishment that I’d let an opportunity pass without paying lip service to the almighty. My reason is simple and quite possibly enlightening: The tradition of “blessing” people upon their sneezing is grounded in the belief, conjured up sometime in the dark ages, that a sneeze signals the expelling of demons from the body.

    • arglebargle

      You’re so good looking.

      • going4baroque

        the hat helps

        • Wee Mousie

          Is that so. Here I always thought it was because they were watching porn.

          • Zhu Bajie

            The usual Greek thing would have been drinking games, followed by flute girls, ending with an orgy.

      • Golgafrinchan_Ark_B

        And you’re so good lookin’, too! Have a tissue.

    • Bitter Scribe

      It’s allergy season, which means my supply of demons should have been used up weeks ago. That doesn’t seem to be the case.

    • MarkM

      I say “Gesundheit!”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Moi aussi! (or, to be a pedant, Ich auch!)

      • Skadi

        My mother’s family said the same; they always had a tradition that our ancestors were German because we had preserved a few ‘German’ words and sayings (and occasionally) insults. When my mom did some research it turned out her family was from the Netherlands, and the words and phrases we thought were Deutsch were really Dutch. So what we were actually saying all those years was “Gezondheid!”

    • The Wanderer

      If a person sneezes more than twice in succession I call them a showoff.

      • Skadi

        My grandfather said that if someone sneezes three times in a row it means the weather will be good the next day.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I sneezed fifteen times in a row and then twenty times again. This proved I needed to see an allergist and I did.

        After a couple of years, nobody ever had to say anything to me.

    • Gregory Brown

      I have always said “God Bless” reflexively ever since being trained to do so in childhood. My understanding of the blessing’s origin is that the sneeze laid you open for an instant to invasion by demons, so without even thinking about it I have been protecting people, including complete strangers, from demonic attack for lo these past 5 or so decades.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        If you said it when Huckabee’s kid was sneezing, the protection failed.

        • Gregory Brown

          Of course it failed. The kid is a demon.

    • Pongo

      My daughter was sick a lot when she was little and people were always saying ‘bless you.’ She interpreted this as ‘splash you,’ which was technically more correct anyway.

    • Wee Mousie

      With my fundamentalist background, I was indoctrinated into covering my mouth when I sneezed and saying “God bless you,” when anyone else did. Once I reached the age of reason, and learned how saying “God bless you” for sneezes began, I decided to make sure I would be allowed to quit.

      The next time someone sneezed, I followed it with “Constantinople!” said quite loudly.
      “What?” they would usually reply.
      “Constantinople!” I repeated.
      “Why’d you say that?”
      “You sneezed,” I’d reply.
      “That doesn’t make sense.”
      “No, it doesn’t,” I would agree.
      “Then why did you say it?”
      “Because, based on the reasoning behind it, saying ‘Constantinople’ makes just about as much sense as saying ‘God bless you.'”

      Eventually they allowed me to stop saying anything, but just to keep my options open, I began saying “Gesundheit!” after anyone farted

      • going4baroque

        maybe if instead of Constantinople, you’d said Istanbul, people would have thanked you, as is customary :)

        https://youtu.be/G4phHwSSing

        • Lamashtar

          That song is always an invitation for Greeks to hate on you.

          • going4baroque

            I don’t see why, Istanbul, as I understand it, is a slight corruption of Greek phrase eis tan (ten) polin “in (or to) the city,” which is how the local Greek population referred to it. So, if the local Greek population referred to it as something close to Istanbul, whats to hate?

          • Lamashtar

            Because the Turks invaded, conquered it, changed the official name, stole the main church, painted over the pictures, turned it into a mosque, enslaved the Greeks, committed genocide on them, and still haven’t given the main church back? Does this give a slight hint why Greeks get irritated by this subject?

        • Wee Mousie

          Sense was the last thing I wanted to make with that substitution.

          • going4baroque

            I wasn’t accusing you of a thing, especially of making sense, just making a word association and I remembered this song, lip-synced by these guys and well, here we are, or I are, or I was, as it were

        • PortTaiLand

          Upfist for TMBG.

    • Zhu Bajie

      I *do* say “bless you” as a courtesy, and get weird looks as well.

    • Spurning Beer

      My people came from Germany, so when someone sneezes, I say, “Klingenschmitt!”

  • natoslug

    Truly, a great day!

  • GDleftyPart2

    The 2014 wave of idiocy is finally starting to hit the rocks…..

    • MarkM

      Gonna take a fuckton of dish detergent to clean ’em…

  • Kristin Peters

    Suddenly everything is coming up roses and daffodils.

  • Logic of Color

    ‘sgonna be harder now to get our kling on

  • exinkwretch

    Praise Jesus for Colorado Springs, a little slice of Miss-sippi in the intermountain West.

    • Golgafrinchan_Ark_B

      I used to live in Manitou Springs when I was a kid, right next door. We were the home of many peaceful, sweet hipsters and Santa Claus came into town every Christmas Eve on a fire engine to give each kid a bag of treats. I hope that Manitou still lives on the light side.

      • Courser

        I go down there once or twice a year to go caving with friends. It’s still a pretty mellow place. The 2013 floods were devastating, but it’s on the mend.

    • pat tolle

      @exinkwretch- I had a long-time friend who taught in a little school district out on the plains East of Colorado Springs Springs. He tells of seeing bumper sticker saying focus on your own damn family. He would also tell of guerilla prayer gatherings when school sanctioned prayer was outlawed.And of having to reenculturate students who came into the district from home schooling.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Disgrace to the uniform he once wore.

    Fuck this asshole. With non-lubed, rusty chainsaw votes.

    He’s one of the “Christians” who give all the rest something to be ashamed of.

  • proudgrampa

    This news is worthy of a martini for lunch!

  • MarkM

    I would challenge and and all Teabaggers, RWNJ’s and fundies to cite ONE instance of a “librul” making remarks as horrifically insensitive, monstrous, demonstrably false and just plain STUPID as the remarks this creep made about the attack on Michelle Wilkins. Just one. And in the unlikely event they come up with something even in the fucking BALLPARK, I would mention his remarks about the three Muslim students who were murdered. And on, and on. And if they have a reply to THAT, I would say: what about Pat Robertson? Bryan Fischer? James Dobson? Rick Scarborough? Joseph Farah? Rush Limbaugh? Glenn Beck? Anne Coulter? And on, and on, and on…
    Sorry, but the crazy scales don’t balance. Not even fucking CLOSE.

  • I Only Like Cats

    Can the Right stop lying about believing in the Constitution since they’ve very obviously never read it? Because the Founding Fathers would do some mean zombie stuff if they knew separation of state and church was being ignored so blatantly. thanks bye

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      I have a feeling that they’ve read neither the Constituion nor the Bible.

      • Wee Mousie

        I don’t believe it is always a reading problem. I think it is sometimes a comprehension problem.

      • Zhu Bajie

        Definitely not the Bible. It require work, even if you have a good translation — maybe especially with a good translation.

    • doktorzoom

      The phrase “separation of church and state” isn’t even IN the Constitution!!!!1! Therefore, neither is the concept!

      • Zhu Bajie

        There is lots of angry journalism, etc., between the Deistical Founders and their enemies, the Born Agains of the day.

    • Zhu Bajie

      They have a fictional Constitution in their minds, like the Genuine King James Bible some think exists in Heaven.

  • Fly

    Klingonshit lost his battle against the good faeries..

    • Fifth-and-a-Half Element

      Klingon libelz!!!

  • Malmborg Implano

    When you strike Al Franken, you strike the rock.

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Why is that sexy demon lady hanging around Klingenschmitt if she’s a Lesbian. I don’t understand, wouldn’t women not be attracted to him anyway? I mean, even a succubus has to have standards! ;)

    • doktorzoom

      She’s not even really a lady demon. She’s actually a displaced unicorn.

      • CriticalDragon1177

        She doesn’t look like a Unicorn. She looks like a demon from hell who for some reason wants to get it on with Klingenschmitt!

        • doktorzoom

          Trust me, she’s a unicorn. I refuse to go into any detail on how I know this, under my 5th Amendment right against self-embarrassment.

          • I’ll take overs, Dok.

            She’s Sunset Shimmer, a unicorn Pony with magical abilities but no patience. She betrayed the Pony Princess that was schooling her, stole a powerful artifact, and fled to a world where the Ponies become High School human-types. Eventually her lust for power caused her to use the artifact to become a horrid demonic-looking creature. Happily, she was defeated by the Power of Friendship, and having learned about Friendship, made a real effort to reform and do good.

          • Lambsendbeds

            Is this MLP fan fiction, or do the cartoons have story lines this involved? I’ve never been able to get through an entire episode.

          • Sunset Shimmer’s story was the 2 movies, “Equestria Girls” & “Rainbow Rocks”.

            The MLP toon has kind of a season arc each year, and then the Equestria Girls movies were a side thing.

          • doktorzoom

            Good explanation. Not that I knew any of that, at all.

          • Oh, of course. Totes why I stepped in to assist. XD

    • Zhu Bajie

      Transexual succubus. She tempts him as a female, then tempts others as a male, puts his semen into …. It explains unexpected pregnancies, sort of.

      • CriticalDragon1177

        I think being a trans succubus would make her a girl demon. Trans women are women you know, so being a trans women demon should make her a girl demon. Than again since she switches sex all the time, maybe she’s both.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    By the way, I would love to know who chooses the photos for each article because that person is an total Brony and is awesome

    • CriticalDragon1177

      How do you know their gender? Either way, they tend to make extremely awesome choices.

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        I was under the impression that Brony was gender neutral

        • Pretty much. :)

          Some of us specify “Pegasister”, but I’d nevers mind being included in “Brony”.

        • CriticalDragon1177

          I thought a brony was a man who is a My Little Pony fan?

    • LadyLaz

      We are all one with twilight sparkle here. Join us, don’t be afraid…..

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        I am already part of the herd

    • doktorzoom

      The image in this case was put together by some doofus who barely knows his way around photoshop. The poor bastard started posting pony memes ironically in 2012 and then after several months eventually started watching the show, because as you know, that’s how the ponies take over.

      As for the use of third person here, that’s more Bob Dole than the Great and Powerful Trixie.

  • redarmyzombie

    “He fretted that the government was fixing to send gay people to do butt stuff right in front of you on your own couch”

    Yes, please.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Well, as long as I don’t have to get up.

    • As long as they’re hot.

    • Golgafrinchan_Ark_B

      Maybe I’m too boring straight, unevolved, and naive, but I don’t get that part. Would the gay sex demons be sent to the couches of everybody or only sent to the couches of the Jesus-loving’, demon-fightin’, God-fearin’, gay-bashers? Would the gay sex demons bring their own couch covers? Do we even have enough gay sex demons to go around?

      • Courser

        They should pop in right about when FauxNews begins and do the hottest butt stuff imaginable right in front of the giant flatscreen.

        • Golgafrinchan_Ark_B

          Then they’ll have to bring their own giant flatscreen and a knowledge of where to find FOG News on the TV. Sorry, but that’s the way I don’t roll.

      • Zhu Bajie

        Pentecostals tend to think everything they don’t like is caused by demons: demons of smoking, demons of drinking beer, demons of sleeping late ….

  • LadyLaz

    Holy shit. What a morally bankrupt fucktwit. Words, vulgarity, fail me

    • eddi

      He is a God-botherer. In the truest sense.

  • Barley_Brains

    Best news all week.

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    KlingonShit is probably one of those people who’d be more comfortable with a person marrying his/her own cousin than with marriage equality.

    • Golgafrinchan_Ark_B

      Hey! Klingons have honor – at least most of them.

  • m3bosha

    I was really hoping the wonkettes would cover this. He is (not for long!) my district’s rep and it pleases me so that not only did he lose in the primary, but he is not allowed to run for reelection in this district. As an aside, his program is on during my lunch hour (Comcast channel 4, I think for any locals) and it is kinda funny to point and laugh at when there is a rerun of Maury on.

  • Hey being haunted by homo demons and ghosts or whatever is no joke.

    • Swampgas_Man

      My ass is haunted by the memories of dicks gone by.

  • Be Gin

    He’s so ugly I wouldn’t fuck him if he was made out of meth!

    Yours truly,

    Ted Haggard

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Aw, c’mon Ted, sure you would. Meth. Sweet, sweet, meth….

      • Be Gin

        ****drooooolll****

  • Wee Mousie

    Just to keep our terms clear, that stranger lady in in Longmont, Colorado had nothing to do with any abortion. She is guilty of forced premature adoption with extreme prejudiced and a deadly weapon.

    Also, too, Belly Button Chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt is in serious need of similar therapy, only this time the stranger lady should adopt his brain. True, it’s good for nothing, but broiled and lightly sauteed in an olive oil and tomato sauce, it would sure scare the kids when they find that on the breakfast table instead of pop tarts.

  • OneDemin EOr

    I think Klingenschmitt is hearing voices.
    And paying attention.

  • glennisw

    “he was quite literally martyred, except without the dying for his faith part. But he definitely suffered for his faith,”

    You mean people made fun of him, right?

    • doktorzoom

      That’s about the shape of it. And I believe he got a lot of lousy chaplaincy evaluations, because most of the people he dealt with thought he was a jerk.

      • eddi

        There was (and still may be) a movement by fundie Evangelicals to become chaplains and “save” the troops to make an Army of Jesus. Really brought down the tone of military chaplaincy.

        • Just imagine being on a ship with this Fuckstain.

          • eddi

            Man overboard, one way or the other.

          • Yes, oh yes indeed.

        • Odd Jørgensen

          The Air force is louse with evangelicals, to the point where people working in admin has been fired for being witches after being found to be nonconformists in the religious department.

  • Courser

    I was overjoyed to hear Kinginbuger got tossed out on his ass.

    I was even MORE overjoyed to learn that the only real contested race on the Dem Primary ticket was for Denver District Attorney. I was a bad voter and didn’t read anything about any of the candidates. Their names weren’t familiar. But one candidate was a woman, so she got my vote (cuz women need more representation in government in general). She won! AND she promised not to seek the death penalty in any criminal case. Woo-Hoo! This is particularly important in the Metro because we had TWO heinous murder cases last year (Aurora and another at a bar) and neither jury passed down the death penalty. The Rs in CO are now agitating to lower the bar for a death penalty sentence from unanimous to 11/12. Cuz letting just one person hold out is JUST NOT FAIR!!!eleventy!!1 to the ‘families’.

  • Zhu Bajie

    If there’s a more useless group of people than Navy chaplains, I don’t know what they are. The Navy does NOT recruit the sort of people who go to church (that’s the Air Force).

    • Bill Slider

      When some of the younger Marines see their buddy get blown to bits in battle, trust me, they want a Chaplain, even if they are Muslims or Jews.

      • sweeper

        Actually know of a super excellent military Rabbi chaplain who is also happily gay married, so yeah, not all chaplains.

      • Odd Jørgensen

        I think I would go see a bartender before a chaplain after seeing that.

  • Zhu Bajie

    Perhaps the Leg. should hire a Taoist to exorcise their building? I have door god posters on my front door and missionaries do not bother me!

    • sweeper

      That actually works? They pay no attention to my doorposts, I tell you what.

      • Incoming Ham

        No kidding. The mezuzah’s haven’t helped me a bit

        • Invidosa

          See, to them Jewish is toooooo close to Jesus, they think you will be totally into it! You need something like this

          • Incoming Ham

            I like it, but it doesn’t go with the carpet in the hallway.

      • eddi

        Try a couple of these guys

    • CynicalOptimist

      Feng Shui!

  • Blanche Beecham

    For a moment I thought I read Klingon Schlitz, which is a pretty vintage pale ale.

  • Mavenmaven

    we all know that in another year or so he will be found with a rentboy or in some similar scandal.

    • eddi

      Half a dozen heads in the refrigerator.

    • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

      We’ll discover he’s married to a goat.

      A male goat.

  • Bill Slider

    So, two transgender candidates are running for the US Senate. I hope they are prepared to take on Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. The Architect of the Capitol best get started with a facility for them to pee. You just know the GOP women Senators will announce they will pee in the men’s bathroom before they will pee in the women’s with lady dicks. Thanks Obama.

    • eddi

      The whole mess is a tempest in a pee pot.

  • Me not sure

    “Bye, bye! Don’t let the door hit ya where the chaps split ya.”
    Demon Pugs

  • sweeper

    Also, too, just an idea,could more people affiliated with non-majority religions go into chaplaincy, please? Represent! I’m looking at you, Wiccans and Pastafarians.

    • CynicalOptimist

      Festivusians unite!

  • DutchS

    Bible verse for the day, for all “persecuted” Christians.

    1 Peter 2:20: “For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience?” Or, if you get lambasted for being an idiot, it doesn’t count as persecution.

    Picture this scene in Heaven.
    “What are you here for?”
    “I was whipped and beheaded by ISIS for being a Christian. You?”
    “Somebody said mean things about me.”
    “Here, take my martyr’s crown. You deserve it so much more than I do.”

    • Incoming Ham

      Jesus Christ, there you go quoting the actual god-bothering book. True Christians(tm) have no time for smarties like you.

    • eddi

      “I don’t have time to read the Bible. I’m too busy doing God’s will.”

  • John Norris

    I want to kick Mr Klingenschmitt in his metaphoricals.

  • Incoming Ham

    This Jesus Guy: “Go love one another. Help your brother. It’s what I want.”
    Fundamentalist ‘xtian’ Wackjob: “See he said go judge one another, pretend you see demons in your brother. Feel thyself persecuted by all of those false-brotherly demons.”
    This Jesus Guy: “No, no that’s not what I said at all.”
    Fundamentalist ‘xtian’ Wackjob: “Uh huh it is, if I rearrange all of the letters that’s what it says.”

  • Poe’s Law

    Some things are so bizarre they cannot be parodied.

    • eddi

      And they are all Republican.

  • Beowoof14

    Van Helsing still out there working for the Vatican?

  • Jukesgrrl

    He sounds like a dream date for Ann Coulter.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    Colorado Springs, giving the rest of the state a bad name. You can keep this fucking guy.

  • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

    Good news? YES! I figured after the abortion ruling, we’d be all tapped out for good news for the next month.

  • bubbuhh
    • Jamsie

      was he having an orgasm?

      • bubbuhh

        The Gay Animals Demons wuz bein driven out of him…mebbe sortuva gangxorcism

    • Odd Jørgensen

      Wonder if this “animal possessed” guy had some butt-demons in him too…
      https://youtu.be/QF-vKrYyqOY

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