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History's Greatest Monster, 2016 Edition
History’s Greatest Monster, 2016 Edition

Fox News, America’s most reliable and trusted cable news outlet, has been muddling around for years now, trying to find some dirt on Hillary Clinton that will really stick.

Benghazi, excuse us, BENGHAZHI!!1!, has turned out to be a bust. The quasi-legit complaints about her dumb private email server haven’t been a knockout blow. And calling her a Wall Street sellout corporate shill oligarch makes Fox viewers (and owners) feel uncomfortable in their freedom panties.

But fear not! The never-quit, can-do propaganda arm of the Republican National Committee (ALLEGEDLY) has latched on to a story that meets all their criteria for a boffo Clinton Scandal™ — a salacious, semen-stained tale of rage monster Shrillary chasing her husband around the White House with blunt objects like Bennie Hill after a tart.

Fox has been lavishing attention on a new tell-all book by former U.S. Secret Service Agent Gary Byrne, who claims he walked in on Bill Clinton cheating on Monica Lewinsky (harharhar) with super beautiful journalist Eleanor Mondale. Other top deets in “Crisis in Character” include Bill sporting a mouse under one eye after a Hillary whuppin’, and how agents disposed of Bill’s lipstick-stained spooge towels from the Lewinsky tryst.

Sean Hannity spent his entire show Monday night chatting with Byrne about the ways in which the former First Hellbeast sucks, from her violent temper tantrums to her nonstop lying.

It turns out Byrne is A Expert on lies! His book has been denounced as a complete pack of them by his fellow former Secret Service agents, who point out that Byrne was a uniformed agent, the lowest rung on the presidential security detail. Byrne might have seen Clinton pass in the hallway, they point out, but he could never have walked in on the president whether he was making out with hot daughters of former vice presidents or not. Nor would Byrne have had access to witness Bill and Hillary throwdowns.

That thorough debunking has led to Byrne being “blacklisted” by news organizations that have weird fetishes against publicizing fantasy. Unfair! How will he ever peddle his bullshit book unveil Clinton’s dual nature?

The brave journamalists at Fox & Friends are not letting quibbles like “factual accuracy” get in the way of a good sex and violence romp, though. Steve Doocy noted this morning that we have heard many times (on Fox News) about Hillary throwing vases at the president, and what more proof do you need?

Byrne will be the guest on Fox & Friends tomorrow, so set those DVRs! This is it, the one that brings down the Queen of Mean! No, really, we’re totally sure this time.

LOL.

[Salon]

 

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  • lucidamente

    Next on Fox and Friends: Does Hillary Throw Like a Girl?

    • Nounverb911

      Will Doocey demonstrate how to throw like a girl?

      • The Wanderer

        He’d be a far better example.

      • natoslug

        I want Doocey to demonstrate why throwing like a girl is so bad. Let’s get 10-15 female softball pitchers, give them 20 softballs each, and let them throw them like girls at his noggin, just to prove how girly and weak their throwing really is.

        • SpideySenser

          Mo’ne LIBELZ11!11!!!11!

        • Suttree

          My stupid cable keeps telling me that there is women’s college softball on and there never is! I am going to call and make a complaint!

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          My neighbor’s kid is a pitcher. I tried to catch for her one day in the backyard. Scared the shit out of me so we painted a target on a box and let her destroy it. Pretty cool.

      • Pickwicknext

        Well, the brown haired one who is not Steve Doocy would just end up throwing things at his own head

  • beatbort

    Feel the Byrne?
    I don’t either.

  • Fly

    I don’t care if Hillary beat Bill’s face like a tambourine, kind of evenish, hmmmm.

  • freakishlystrong

    Wheeeeeeeeeee! Four to eight more years of this fucking horseshit!

  • limberrat

    Well, we can’t BENGHAZIIII anymore…what can we do now?

  • Ezio

    At this point I’m pretty sure you could replace the Fox and Friends crew with middle schoolers and they would do a better job and be more credible.

    • limberrat

      My preschooler could do a better job!

    • onedollarjuana

      They’d be less mean, too.

  • proudgrampa

    *sighs*

  • TJ Barke

    If I was Hilz I probably would have thrown a vase at him.

    • going4baroque

      throwing a vase at one’s spouse is evidence of a passionate marriage

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I thought dragging your wife down the stairs by her hair in front of your daughter was the sign of a passionate marriage.

  • anwisok

    *eyeroll so violent they spin all the way around*

  • coozledad

    former Secret Service agents, who point out that Byrne was a uniformed agent, the lowest rung on the presidential security detail.

    It’s hot as a motherfucker in that squirrel costume.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      “Hey Kids! I’m Sammy, the Secret Squirrel! And today, we’re going to learn about surveillance! Can you say surveillance!”

      • Belasaurius

        can you say wiretap? Good for you kids!

        • Jenny

          Pfft everyone knows the secret service isn’t interested in wiretaps, their thing is hookers and blow!

          • Belasaurius

            but that’s my things, those jerks are muscling in on my territory

          • Jenny

            Once again proving that the liberry is a house of sin!

          • PubOption

            And not paying for same.

    • Logic of Color

      Dafuk do we care what an uninformed agent has to say?

  • bubbuhh

    OT (but mebbe not) Labour Party just dumped, Jeremy Corbyn, the only man who could make almost any Tory Leader look competent. Overwhelming vote to ditch him. Now they are tryin to figger out how he got elected party leader in the first place. Hillary?

    • BREXITGHAZI!!!11

    • The Wanderer

      Slower than I thought. I thought Corbyn would fall on his sword faster than Hodgson did.

      • bubbuhh

        Just before the meeting started this morning, Corbyn was caught on mike sayin, “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

        • The Wanderer

          BWAHAHAHATOOLATE!BWAHAHA

    • ClarkJoe

      I guess Labour stopped Feeling the Corbyn.

      (That joke works best if you read it in a British accent.)

      • The Wanderer

        Have you seen him? I wouldn’t feel him with Trump’s tiny fingers.

      • wurman

        Cor!

        Cor Blimey!!

        Cor ‘n zounds!!!

    • Spotts1701

      Kinda figured it was coming. Everyone wears the stink of this one.

    • Logic of Color

      Is England still a thing?

      • Nounverb911

        Not in Soccer.

        • ltmcdies

          I enjoyed that….should I be sad that I am coming to hate the country of my ancestors?

          • Lamashtar

            I seesaw between contempuous rage and heartbroken grief. I don’t think Americans have ever paid so much attention to UK politics and been so disappointed. Seriously relieved to not have a parliamentary democracy.

          • ltmcdies

            I think it was hold a referendum with this idiotic 50 plus one thresh hold but …damage is done either way

        • PubOption
          • sw19womble

            *local joke for local people*
            “There was a rumour last night that there were 12 cases of champagne going to the winners of the game from one of the sponsors.

            Mumm’s gone to Iceland.”

      • Skadi

        It may be the only thing soon.

        http://satwcomic.com/art/brexit-to-the-right.png

        • The Wanderer

          Upvote?
          AOT, K.

      • ltmcdies

        not for much longer

    • Nounverb911
      • bubbuhh

        Confirmed result from labour no confidence motion

        172 for
        40 against
        4 spoilt ballots
        13 didn’t vote

        • The Wanderer

          Ouch.

          • bubbuhh

            They Labours more sure about Corbrexit than anything else

        • MsAnthropesMr

          Does wiping your ass with the ballot make it spolit?

          • bubbuhh

            Not in the Brexit areas of England and Wales.

          • sw19womble

            This is where having an X-shaped anus comes in handy.

          • MsAnthropesMr

            HeeHeeHee…

        • SmokinGood

          He claims he won’t step down. Guess we get to watch what happens when both major parties implode simultaneously.

          • MsAnthropesMr

            Good news for John McCain.

          • sw19womble

            Well, good news for me, the LibDems will mop up at the next general election.
            The bad news for me, they’re hyper pro-European Superstate.

    • sw19womble

      How did he get elected leader? A: They let the people vote.

      After that and the latest referendum you can bet none of the major parties will make that mistake ever again.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Well, he was no Justin Trudeau, but then, who is?

    • Lamashtar

      Labour doesn’t make you resign if you fail a confidence vote. Which means he could never leave!

  • The Wanderer

    The never-quit, can-do propaganda arm of the Republican National Committee (ALLEGEDLY)
    I don’t think there’s anything ‘alleged’ about that.

  • ClarkJoe

    EXCLUSIVE UNDERCOVER FOOTAGE FROM THE CLINTON WHITEHOUSE:

    http://www.oystermag.com/sites/default/files/throwing-red-dress-bottle.gif

    • Jeff in the desert

      Hillary LIBELZ!!11!!!!….(she’s a blond, sort of)

      Edit: Oh wait is that Monica?

    • Mr. Lambert

      I was expecting the clip of Solange Knowles attacking Jay Z in the elevator.

      • ClarkJoe

        No, that’s footage from the Obama Whitehouse after Michelle found out that Barrack is a sekrit gay mooslim doing buttsecks with Bill Ayers.

    • JustPixelz

      She’s, like, two feet away and misses? Inpeach!

      • ClarkJoe

        And then she blamed it all on a YouTube video.

    • proudgrampa

      Ya know, she’s not going to be able to get a gun now as a domestic abuser…

      • ClarkJoe

        And it’s totally hypocritical because her secret service agents still get to carry guns. If she’s elected president we should disarm the entire military and all police officers just to prove a point about the importance of giving the people of well regulated militias the right to bear arms to provide security for a free State.

  • Turkish71

    But does he know where HRC was the night CLOVERFIELD attacked NYC? JAQ…

  • Scooby

    That’s why Bill appointed Ginsburg and Bryer to make sure domestic abusers can’t get guns. The man thought ahead.

  • Donkey Option

    OT – SCOTUS just refused to hear an appeal from pharmacists wanting to not have to provide contraception because of their religious beliefs. This holds up the lower court ruling that says “Fuck you do your job!” (I may be paraphrasing) More good news!

    • The Wanderer

      Good!

    • ClarkJoe

      What is this world coming to? Next thing you know vegetarian waiters will be forced to serve steaks to paying customers! NOT FAIR!!!

    • SmokinGood

      Thanks, Obama Rotting Corpse of Scalia!

    • Jenny

      Scalia dying + lack of confirmation has made this scotus the best scotus in a long time!

      • The Wanderer

        Yes, one Incubus down.

      • JustPixelz

        Except for certain undocumented families.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Little known legal fact: “Certiorari denied” means “Fuck off and do your job” in Latin.

      • JustPixelz

        So that’s what all those ex-bosses were telling me.

    • goonemeritus

      Can I still refuse to put mayonnaise on a sandwich because I’m italian?

      • SDGeoff

        Works for me, but we live in a Miracle Whip home.

        • goonemeritus

          Ewww!

          • SDGeoff

            If I have to eat shit, it might as well be tangy.

        • Biff52

          Gross!

          • SDGeoff

            Yup. Almost as gross as mayonnaise.

          • SDGeoff

            But I have to say, if you haven’t tried it, make fresh mayo on your own. With good ingredients, there’s nothing like it. And it’s easy.

      • Suttree

        Mayo is the condiment of the devil! And not the good one either.

        • Creepoman

          You’re right! Impossible to make deviled eggs without it.

      • You’re not only allowed to refuse to put mayonnaise on a sandwich; you’re required to.

        • goonemeritus

          First they came for my arugula and I said nothing because I had Escarole . Then they came for my…….

      • Lamashtar

        What the hell do you put on a turkey sandwich??

      • OrdinaryJoe

        WTF! I worship Belgian frites and mayo. What about my freedom of worship?

        • goonemeritus

          Our nation is a ketchup believing nation. Even though there is no specific condiment test in the Constitution had our Forefathers known of mayo they would have banned it.

    • Sardonicuss

      Man they are they on a roll! Was dead Scalia putting something in their water all this time?

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Clarence Thomas, in the cafeteria, with the Coke can seems more likely.

    • Spotts1701

      “If this is a sign of how religious liberty claims will be treated in the years again, those who value religious liberty have cause for threat concern,” the three dissenting justices (Roberts, Alito and Thomas) said.

      • SpideySenser

        Oh puke and Jesus Christ on a hockey puck! Practice your sky-fairy crap in private, at church or at home. Stop throat crammin’ people who live in reality.
        OH! and being racist, sexist or any “ist” is probably not really doing your flying spaghetti lord’s work.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        No, you have cause to look for a new fucking job. That’s it.

        Maybe find one that is more compatible with your iron-age belief system, or at least the parts that haven’t been incomprehensibly twisted by politically radicalized Christian Preachers?

        Modern Civilization will be over here, any time you’d like to join it.

    • TJ Barke

      I know that when I look for a job, it’s gotta be one where my values are consistently compromised.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Heading into the all-star break, SCOTUS is on a roll! And if you think this is their season, the few look pretty good, too.

  • ltmcdies

    …and only FIVE MORE MONTHS to go, kiddies

    • GoutMachine

      And then four years, and then maybe another four years…

    • I think you mean five more months until the race for 2020 starts.

      • limberrat

        So Cruz announces his candidacy for 2020 on November 9th?

  • Spotts1701

    His book has been denounced as a complete pack of them by his fellow former Secret Service agents, who point out that Byrne was a uniformed agent, the lowest rung on the presidential security detail.

    Shocking – a guy who is basically a glorified security guard thinks he’s Clint Eastwood in In The Line Of Fire. Maybe he should stick to fiction.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I haven’t read the book, but it sounds like he has a fertile imagination.

    • just_jim

      It sounds like he has.

  • Spurning Beer

    At this rate, Fox News is going to lose some of its credibility.

    • The Wanderer

      You made a funny.

    • Nounverb911

      When did it get some in the first place?

      • Gleem-McShinez

        They earned some this morning when someone said “Good Morning” and meant it.

    • Ezio

      This comment with Homer’s face is perfection.

      • Sardonicuss

        D’oh!

    • JustPixelz

      So that’s how to combine “Fox News” and “credibility” in the same sentence. With that solved, we can now move on to the easier problem of Middle East peace.

    • Creepoman

      Some credibility? Assumes facts not in evidence.

  • The Wanderer

    Can we ascertain whether Fox just cribbed a lot of notes from the movie Primary Colors and are reporting them as actual things that actually happened?

    • Lamashtar

      That book was one of those “hey, I’m racist!” moments. Toward the end, the politician finally notes that the protagonist is black. By this time, I’d so immersed myself into the character’s thoughts that I was like, “buh what? I’m not black! Wait, this guy’s black? How does that change the way everyone perceived me?”

      • WhyFelicia

        DUDE SPOILER ALERT

  • ManchuCandidate

    Bill-Ghazi!

  • SmokinGood

    I can’t fucking keep up. She’s a jealous rageaholic bitch now? I thought the story yesterday was that she’s a flaccid doormat.

    • Andre

      The ragemonster is the yin to the complacent enabler’s yang, apparently.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      ..and a desert topping. AND a floorwax.

    • WhyFelicia

      She’s every woman!

  • goonemeritus

    My wife once broke a wine glass over my head. she swears she just dropped it but that is what you would expect a batter to say.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Sorry to hear you and your batter half had trouble.

    • wurman

      Please don’t come her to wine about it.

  • elviouslyqueer

    In a perfect world, Steve Doocy would have the white slapped clean off his face every day forever.

    • Nounverb911

      Too many armed guards in the Fox studios…

      • elviouslyqueer

        I bet for $5 they’d happily slap the white off his face too.

        • MsAnthropesMr

          They’d probably pay you.

    • JustPixelz

      He’s white to the bone. So what would be left?

      • vivian

        Marrow?

        • O4FSake

          Correct!

      • revenant

        only one way to find out

      • just_jim

        And that’s a problem how?

  • fawkedifiknow

    Why didn’t the military send in some troops to protect Bill? Huh!!!? Asleep at the switch, again, I guess.

  • Callyson

    So you’re telling me tomorrow will be just another day on FOX then. Thanks for the update!

  • JustPixelz

    Fox “News” is more flexible. They were the first and only to report that Santa Claus is, in actual fact, white.

    • The Wanderer

      That’s because they have the Krampus running the show.

    • Msmlg1979

      He just is. Like Jesus.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        The Easter Bunny is definitely white. I should know, I’ve met him.

        • SpideySenser

          Elwood??? Is that you???

          • Skadi

            Well, if you believe the Guardians of Childhood books, the Easter Bunny is a pooka, so maybe…

        • OrdinaryJoe

          Holy Ghost prolly too

    • Skadi

      …don’t tell them St. Nicholas was actually from Turkey. Their heads would explode.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Barefoot, pregnant, and a total pushover or raging hormonal howling wildebeest. Pick a narrative and stick to it, Fox!

    • Stulexington

      They haven’t made some veiled reference to that time of the month yet?

  • Tendernob

    Imagine if the GOP cared as much about gun violence in America as it pretends to care about Benghazi.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Four people died in Benghazi. From gun violence! And for Republicans, that’s 29,996 too few. Every year.

  • Skwerl King

    With airtight allegations like these, I cannot wait for the October surprise!

    • Nounverb911

      ..

    • Sardonicuss

      Next on “Fox and Friends”: D.C. crossing guard spills beans on Clinton jaywalking atrocities.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?
    • SDGeoff

      I need to get the scrawny neck size!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Is it wrong that I’m actually looking forward to his TV punditry? What will he say? How angry at women is he? Will he throw a chair?

    • Biff52

      Last night I had to hastily switch from MSNBC, who had both Hugh Hewitt and Dana Loesch, to CNN, who only had Corey Lewendowski.

  • cousin itt

    Doocy actually said that he was reading a TV blog that said Hillary’s people were fanning out to make sure the agent doesn’t get booked on any other shows.

    But I read the same TV blog and it said that Vince Foster shot JR.

    • ltmcdies

      oh well if it’s on a TV blog…must be true

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I must have missed the season finale where Ann Coulter interrupted Rush Limbaugh in the shower to tell him it was all a dream.

      • Pickwicknext

        You are truly evil. May you be hauled to the Hague on Crimes against Humanity charges

      • just_jim

        Could someone interrupt me in the shower to tell me that Rush Limbaugh was just a horrible nightmare?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I was reading a blog once that said the Friends of Fox & can’t even change a fucking tire as a test of manly manhoodedness. This would be an outrageous fabrication were it not for the existing video:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TU8ZwtVkbGc

  • janecita

    Great, let’s smear a woman that can’t defend herself because she is dead! What a low class, lying asshole!

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Must have been killing him to keep that secret to himself through 5 elections.

  • RS07

    FOX-News dillema: We hate Hillary, but have her in the White House will give us great ratings for 8 years…what to do…. what to do…

    • Creepoman

      Ah, the gun-makers dilemma, also, too.

    • Lamashtar

      Don’t forget how Democratic presidents bring them together. The season of Trump has been so hurtful..

  • MrBlobfish

    The other agents are only calling him a liar because if the didn’t, the Clinton’s would have them killed.

    • AnOuthouse

      plus sweet cake from the Clinton Foundation to keep the pie holes closed.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    If I don’t see a fuzzy reenactment of this, or at the very least a US Congressman punching a pumpkin in his back yard, I’m gonna be pissed.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Hillary pushes a demon sheep in a wheelchair, off a cliff. Elizabeth Warren, at the bottom of the cliff with a shotgun, yells, “Pull!”

      • therblig

        finally, something worth seeing on pay-per-view.

      • Doug Langley

        Richard Widmark libelz!!!

  • Msmlg1979

    And even if none of it’s true, when a husband cheats on his wife, it is a clear indication she is a failure. Do you really think a woman whose mouth left her husband’s penis long enough to allow another woman’s mouth on it can run the whole country? She had one job, and couldn’t even do that correctly!

    • cousin itt

      So many visuals, so little lube.

      • Msmlg1979

        Be creative! There has got to be something you can use.

    • Sardonicuss

      “Monica, get over here and tickle his nuts!” – Chris Rock

    • MsAnthropesMr

      She did a good job of dressing up though.

      • Paganish

        “O.O” hominahominahomina

    • Jenny

      Well she was too busy being a mean ol lesbian who made Gingrich cry. So I’m giving her a pass.

    • RoniOh

      And people wonder where sexism, rape and violence against women comes from. From the kind of chunder spouting, hoof wanking bungle-cunt that thinks these “jokes” are hilarious. What’s next, a bit of light-hearted blackface?

      • bubbuhh

        In the USA, he be more of a cunt-bungler than a bungle-cunt. In northern England, Scotland, the Irelands be different.

    • therblig

      Jer-ry! Jer-ry!! Jer-ry!!!

      wait, this isn’t the Jerry Springer show? I’ll just take my lyin’ cheatin’ no child support payin’ ass somewhere I’ll be appreciated, like Maury. Hmph!

      • Msmlg1979

        Jerry and Maury libelz! Still more accurate than Fox News!

  • baconzgood

    Being discredited by a bunch of dudes that like drunken orgies is pretty bad.

  • LarryHoudini

    Well, if this doesn’t stick—and it won’t—I recently learned from PostSecret that someone is holding onto a document that they will soon make public . . . that will bring old Hitlery down!
    I have also learned that many people secretly pee in the shower.

    • MrBlobfish

      That document is right next to the Whitey Tape.

    • AnOuthouse

      Faceplace thingys have been promising to release the cracken on that witch any day now. Maybe its her Canadian birth certificate.

      • Jukesgrrl

        They’re going to have an October Surprise every week. No one will be able to keep track of what month it is and maybe they’ll forget to vote.

  • RS07

    “SEAN: You’re going to be accused of being political.
    BYRNE: Absolutely I’m sure I will be, I have already and it’s not.
    SEAN: And what’s your answer?
    Byrne: It’s got nothing to do as politics.”
    Suuureeee…

    • Spotts1701

      Yes, nothing to do with politics. Despite the fact you’ve had…oh, what, 16 years where you could have come out with this dreck?

      • AnOuthouse

        “Its not political so much as cashing in, Sean”

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Is Bill “walking into a door” a garden-variety type of domestic “accident,” or is it more of a “reckless” type? A friend of mine running for president wants to know. Hell, either way she’s going to be packing heat, because it’s obvious that’s what she’d do.

  • Years ago MADTV or IN LIVING COLOR or SNL did a COPS skit where the police investigate a domestic call in a trailer park – which turns out to be Hillary, who has beat the crap out of a drunken beer-swilling Bill for foolin’ around around again. Bill’s wearing a dirt tank top tee and underwear and hits on the female officer. Maybe this is what they are remembering.

  • sw19womble

    Harry Reid sported that big black eye a couple of years ago, didn’t he? Just saying. CONNECT THE DOTS SHEEPLE!!!!!!!

  • sosuume

    Hmmm…Throwing vases after finding out her husband cheated? Wish I would have thought of that when I found out about my ex. Instead, I simply threw up violently into the toilet.

    • The Witch of Endor

      Oh for fuck’s sake, that stupid bit of rumor is still making the rounds? I remember G. Gordon Liddy cackling about this during the 2nd administration.

  • Biff52

    Who is the new Fӧxblӧnde in the middle?

    • The Witch of Endor

      A plastic surgeon’s dream?

      • Gleem-McShinez

        I think you meant “handiwork.”

        • The Witch of Endor

          That also too.

    • Lazy Media

      Not-Gretchen. They’re all not-Gretchens, except for the two Gretchens.

    • bubbuhh

      Just someone knocked together from the spare parts in the “ladies” room.

      • Master Contrail Program

        The Bridesmaid of Foxenstein.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Just another beautiful woman who opens her mouth, dispenses opinions and suddenly becomes very ugly…like about 99% of the women on Fox.

    • AnOuthouse

      Beaver shot or GTFO.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Oh, hello Mr. Ailes! You so realize you’re not talking to your producer? That only works when you have the headset on, sir.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    I once walked in on Donald Trump fucking a box filled with bubble wrap. It’s TRUE! In that I was in the Trump Taj Mahal and someone had left an empty box filled with bubble wrap in the hall down from my and my (at the time) gf’s suite so I just did the math.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      And WHAT exactly did you do to that poor bubble wrap, sir?!

  • Randy Riddle
    • Hairstrike Alpha

      GET THE COMMITTEE TOGETHER BOYS IT’S TIME FER SOME INVERSTERGATIN!
      – Trey Gowdy

  • Step 1) Publish book of lies
    Step 2) Collect Wingnut Welfare

    Man, the underpants gnomes were really inefficient…

    • TJ Barke

      I wish I had no scruples, it’d be much easier to make a living.

  • calliecallie

    What woman who has been married for 20+ years to the same man has not thrown something at him once in a while?

    • bookish

      Gone to the movies. Your dinner is on the ceiling.

  • JoeChristmas

    BANGHAZI!!1!

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Pfft, amateurs…..Sarah Palin allegedly bounces paint cans off the first dudes dome when she’s mad.

  • harryeagar

    According to the Globe, pill-poppin’ Hillary has put on 43 pounds. Presumably people read that stuff and go vote.

    Explains quite a lot

    • Jukesgrrl

      I guess she’s poppin’ the wrong pills then.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Reasons Hillary can’t be president:

    1. She is an enabler for Bill’s indiscretions.

    2. She scornfully upbraided Bill until he stopped his indiscretions.

    Am I missing something?

  • SnarkTank

    Other agents: “Dude….it’s called the Secret Service, dumbass!”

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    When are these dipshits going to quit falling for these salacious ‘tell alls’? Oh wait, they’re still convinced tax cuts fix deficits, moar guns make us safer and deporting immigrants will fix the economy.

    • hendenburg2

      And that gold is a great investment

      • Jukesgrrl

        Yeah, it trickles down.

      • phoenix00

        Trump Investments is best investment

  • shastakoala

    When’s the video of Hillz throwing Bill’s clothes over the White House balcony onto the lawn going to hit the Sunday shows?

    • jmhm

      That was George Will. Regret the error.

    • bookish

      Believe me, if Bill had put me through what he put Hillary, I would have damn sure clocked him.

    • Professor Fate

      And shoes, don’t forget shoes.

  • Biff52

    Is there a librul female equivalent to cuckservative?

    • phoenix00

      There probably are, but we’re smart enough to tune them out.

      (With Votes!!)

  • AnOuthouse

    Wow, all those Hillary voters that watch FOX are surely disappointed to learn the inside dirt and will now vote for Trump. Sad.

    • phoenix00

      There are still Hillz voters AND Fox News viewers left?

    • cleos_mom

      It should be even more devastating than the news that “Hillary” wasn’t at all nice to the women her husband was running around with. Married women just hate that.

  • lroom

    These people are past pathetic.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Yes, a President with a shiner. That I totally remember happening!

    Oh wait, that was GWB after he lost his balance while standing on a device that balances itself.

    • revenant

      yeah, that episode with the Segway was a shining example of the dignitude that Dumbya brought to the Presidency.

    • Given GWB’s grace, that device could be a floor.

    • Karen Marie

      Don’t forget the shiner he got from the vicious pretzel that knocked him off the couch.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Was that before or after he walked into the door?

        • Halfton81

          Both?

      • Noxious1

        OMG! Laura totally kicked Dubya’s ass for that time he something something 9-11!

    • OrdinaryJoe

      I NEVER believed that whole choking on a pretzel BS. Look at where it is. Fucking asshole has a shiner, He got hit on the face. Who would be able to hit the President and not get shot dead by the USSS?

  • Blank Ron

    The stink of desperation is so palpable it’s exuding from our TV screens. Good thing I stocked up on Windex.

    • Master Contrail Program

      “It is better to light a candle, than to curse the derpness.”

  • Olav_Pompatus

    And he has a new book he wants to give us in exchange for muneez! What a nice coincidence!

  • Paperless Tiger

    Fine by me. At least Bill found time to preside over the longest period of peacetime economic expansion in American history, even with all that fucking and fighting. In a way, it’s even more impressive.

    • revenant

      preceded and then followed by disastrous Republican administrations (okay, so redundancy noted)

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Actually, given the love that Fox viewers have for traditional-value-havin’, grizzly-mama-behavin’ women, shouldn’t this endear her to their viewers, just a bit?

    I don’t know. I can’t understand those people.

    • MausFeet

      I think Bill would have to have hit Hillary for that to work for the Fox viewers, because that’s just keeping your lady in line. Isn’t ok the other way around.

  • Y’know, the lead photo with the Hammer Studios-style Hillz Vampire?

    I’d totes watch that movie.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    All I know is Bill never slept with me even once, so I don’t believe any of this.

    • bookish

      You’ve got a point.

    • edith prickly

      Have another pot brownie, MoDo.

    • whitroth

      My late ex was real pissed at Bill for giving them ammo – she used to say she’d gladly have given him a blow job, no blue dress needed…

  • Panika MCD

    how many vases do they think the first family had, anyway?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Obama had to move the Churchill bust because it was dented.

      • Panika MCD

        busts don’t dent, they chip.

  • revenant

    wouldn’t it be pretty to think that the rest of the corporate media won’t help this obvious bullshit along, the way they’ve pushed every other steaming bucket of lies about the Clintons. how can the chucktodds and the dumbass Cokies resist yet another chance to sell the right wing’s latest turd-on-a-bun (now with Secret Service Sauce!)?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      They can’t. What they are hoping is for Trump to pick up on it in a Tweet and then they go crazy with reporting the bullshit like it was news, all the while dis’ing it as “controversial” or “unconfirmed”.

  • The extra disgusting thing about this is the Eleanor Mondale angle. She was a great person who died at age 51 of brain cancer. So I guess we can’t get her take on it, can we?

  • I think Reg Smythe, the creator of the Andy Capp cartoon may have a case for plagiarism with this book. Seems the same, just with a different setting.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Wait, I thought the problem was that Hillary was an enabler to Bill’s extra-curricular activities? I wish these assholes could keep their story straight just one time.

    • JD Mulvey

      Byrne’s “proof” was that he saw the remains of the broken lamp that Hillz threw at Bubba.

      But if your theory of Hillary as the codependent wife is true –maybe it was Bill who threw the lamp, so as to torture his cowering wife. I’m sensing a whole ‘nother book here.

      • Lefty Frizzell

        Wow – the next thing that should be thrown is some of Wilmore’s weak tea, at Byrne.

  • whitroth

    Um, since this is allegedly from the nineties, how ’bout a golden oldie from the Oughts (or should that be ought nots?): there were a *bunch* of supermarket tabloids, led by the National Enquirer, with front page headlines about Laura Bush slapping Dumbya, leaving scrapes on his face, and staying in a hotel occasionally, apparently about some deal with Kinda (“my husb… er, the President) Sleazy. Have they discussed that?

    • CripesAmighty

      ‘Cuz since the oughts were univerally wretched, and everybody knows why; so no need to add to the suckage. It stands on its own merit

  • Zhu Bajie

    Why US journalists are so often surprised that primates act like primates is beyond me. I doubt said journalists have intense commitments to chastity.

  • Zhu Bajie

    Let’s not forget George the Elder and his no. 1 concubine, the one who served him in many positions….

    • phoenix00

      Barbs was a sharp old lady, I’ll give her credit for that.

  • SeanT1001

    Idiots.
    They’ve taken they’re eyes off the prize- obviously this is all Obama’s fault.
    FoxNews(TM) is seriously slipping.
    “But he’s not going to be president after the election” you say? Maybe, but it’s always going to be Obama’s fault.
    He’s the Republican “Permanent National Scapegoat” (PNS), like Bush was for the Democrats (a position he still fills while he paints his feet in the bathtub).

  • CripesAmighty

    Remember, if “some people say…”, you can take it to the bank.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Ex-agent Tattler goes on Faux to say he is in hiding because his life is in danger from Clintonista death squads in 5…4…3….

  • LogicBomb

    This book is a load of crap. Any Secret Service agent who violates the sacred trust of protecting the first families should rot in hell.

    • Magginkat

      Make that fry in hell & I will agree 100%!!!

      • just_jim

        What about a compromise? After he rots, hell can fry him up, and serve him to the tools who helped him spread his lies. Win win.

  • Whydoyouask2dogs

    The real issue here is that both HRC & WJC have the same package…

    • cleos_mom

      From 4 years ago:

      “Romney will be elected by a large margin because the ‘overly
      intelligent’, ‘overly arrogant’ Obama and his happy band of liberals do
      not make good decisions”

      • Whydoyouask2dogs

        Yes, cleos_mom…I was wrong on Romney, but RIGHT on Obie and his hap hap happy band of liberals (which includes you) on continuing to make bad decisions. This long memory you have is simply a lib attack strategery (ha) for their enemies. I don’t care enough about what you write (if anything) to keep it in my files…hahaha

        • jmk

          Did you get the dressing on the side for that salad?

          • Whydoyouask2dogs

            jinky, jinky, jinky…now, I admitted I was wrong on Romney…but, it looks like it wasn’t me who hasn’t changed in four years…I doubt that you have the ability to change…hahah…you know what I mean, don’t you jinky????? salad…hahahahahaha

          • jmk

            Ummmm… what the actual fuck? Are you having a seizure?

          • Whydoyouask2dogs

            who not what….the who would be you (jmk)…so, YOU are the actual fuck..Ummmmm

          • justjoseph

            git back in that pickup truck and go clean your shootin iron.

          • Whydoyouask2dogs

            justjoseph….hahaha…you are … well….you are just so…special

          • jmk

            LOL You should go back to Dead Breitbart’s Home for Drooling Twits, cupcake. Your snark skills are not up to Wonketariat standards.

          • Whydoyouask2dogs

            jmk…cute, cute, snark, snark…you just have to be proud of you very own little sef…see, I remember seeing you in Dead Brietbart’s Home for Drooling Twits, as I was checking out.

          • just_jim

            Is this performance art, or are you the saddest, stupidest commenter ever?

          • Whydoyouask2dogs

            you are always right, just_jim..this is the saddest, stupidest comementer (?) ever…thank you.

        • jododio

          Sad, so sad.

      • jmk

        LOL Whoever wrote that is a moran and A Idiot.

        Oh… there he is… and it seems that he hasn’t changed in 4 years.

  • Andrew of MO

    When I was very young, I considered applying to the Secret Service, so I learned a bit about it. The uniformed division is well-trained and capable, but would definitely not be in the residence, or even likely in the West Wing. It is sad that he is trying to peddle bullshit.

  • Andrew of MO

    Actually, Byrne should not be referring to himself as a Secret Service agent. He would have been a Secret Service officer.

    • Cool_North

      The Paul Blart of secret service :)

      • Andrew of MO

        Eh, not exactly. The Uniformed division is well-trained. Not as stringent in requirement as special agents, but solid officers. They have different responsibilities, and are intended to be visible, relative to the special agents.

  • Manhattan123

    I wish he would Vince Foster himself. And not with votes, I mean actually kill himself. He’s scummy.

    • doktorzoom

      No. Please review the rules. You are welcome to take your fantasies about other people killing themselves somewhere else. While you are welcome here, calling for someone to die is not.

      — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

      • Manhattan123

        Oh ffs.

  • Repeat lie often enough…

  • WhyFelicia

    LAMPGHAZI!!!!!11one

  • Aquaria

    Seriously, at this point, they could have actual photos of Hillary bashing small children over the head and sucking out their brains, and I’d say:

    http://www.troll.me/images/obama-isnt-happy/not-this-shit-again.jpg

  • justjoseph

    It’s this year’s Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. All were discredited. All Republicans, all bullshit.

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