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Investigative journalist.
Investigative journalist.

OK, guys, we hope you are sitting down, because it is about to be the Obamapocalypse, and you need to be prepared. Alex Jones, the crazy conspiracy theorist JOURNALIST who recently revealed that Michelle Obama murdered Joan Rivers so nobody would find out she had a penis, is also revealing more of President Obama’s secret CIA project to use Beyoncé to start a great race war that will kill and imprison all the Good White Christian Americans.

Here’s what we already knew, from Jones’s last discussion with hilariously crazy homophobe pastor James David Manning of the ATLAH church in Harlem: 1) Bey is an “urban terrorist.” 2) She is a CIA-funded brainwasher who is convincing black people to kill each other and also the cops. 3) Beyoncé eats baby brains, with the hot sauce she keeps in her bag. This should all be common knowledge by now.

Now Jones and Manning have cometh upon each other again, and here are their new revelations:

JONES: The Viacom-CIA weapons system is activating the Beyoncés and all the rest of the folks to say, you know, go out and kill the pigs. […] And that’ll cause a giant counter-oppression of black people who are trying to live the American dream!

MANNING: Absolutely! So I cannot imagine that this is not going to take place … I don’t think Obama would have gone to the prisons unless he wanted to indicate to judges everywhere … If Obama says that the penal system has been oppressive, you’re going to see cases coming back before the courts, you’re going to see parole officers releasing people who normally would be kept in prison.

JONES: And they’re gonna make room for the libertarians, the patriots, the Christians, who they’re now throwing the book at as the new enemy.

HOLY SHIT! Manning added that one very important part of this devious plan is the 2016 remake of the “Roots” miniseries, which is embedded with secret messages intended to make the covert Beyoncé army go GRRRRRRR and kill whitey, we guess.

Anything else? Are all the secret Beyoncés in jail, and Obama is going to release them, so he can remain dictator for life?

MANNING: Obama wants to have a different kind of a Brownshirts … I can’t imagine Obama walking away from power, Alex …

JONES: So you think letting the prisoners out like the Soviets and the Nazis, when the Nazis took over they released all the people out of the prisons that were aligned with the National Socialists, hundreds of thousands of them, and put them in charge.

[…]

MANNING: Why should he walk away and say, ‘Well, I had my eight years’? … He’s gonna try something, he’s going to. He’s already put it in the works. I mean, remember, Obama is CIA, understand that he is a compadre with Putin in Russia, he’s not gonna walk away from world power.

Of course, Obama keeps saying he doesn’t want to be dictator for life, but that’s probably a lie.

We know the lamestream news media has been telling us he’s ready to put on his fightin’ mom jeans and hit the campaign trail hard, and that he may even endorse Hillary this week, but Obama has always played a long game. Those are obviously false flag reports planted with journalists who are in on the conspiracy, to distract us from how Obama is in his secret emperor room in the White House right now, pressing play on every single Beyoncé song ever, combining the “If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it” choruses with the “When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster” refrains, until finally it’s loud enough for all the Beyoncés what recently got broke out of prison to hear. At that point, they will all start shrieking “I SLAY! I SLAY! I SLAY!”

And then all the God-fearin’ white Christian folk will be dead or in prison, because it’s illegal to be those things now. This plot is so obvious and in front of all our faces, how did we never see it before?

[Right Wing Watch]

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  • Roman Elazar

    I for one welcome our new Beyonce overlords.

  • MarkM

    I really need to get that interwebz tinfoil hat concession…

    • Sardonicuss

      Think of it. Jones makes a very good living being publicly insane. I need to be amoral enough to take advantage of the apparent gold mine in crazy rube farming.

      • MarkM

        Having scruples and a conscience is really a drag sometimes. And I’m not even religious! Who knows where all these weird profit-inhibiting moral compunctions are coming from.

        • Sardonicuss

          As a not god botherer myself, these constant urges to be a decent human are bumming me out…and apparently keeping me from being rich as well.

          • MarkM

            Ik, r?

      • OddMan

        R*ubarb pie is quite delicious.

        • SisterArtemis

          OT, but I really think RuPaul ought to work up some wort of RuBarb thing….

        • Gleem-McShinez

          Never go full rhubarb!

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I so want to see the movie where Viacom and CIA activate an army of Beyoncés.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      The booty shakin’ dance scenes alone… Chalk up a couple of Oscars for choreography, sound track and costume design, at a minimum!

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I think we’re going to have to re-cast Viacom. There’s no way a cable provider would be believably efficient enough to launch an army of anything, let alone an army of Beyoncés.

        • bupkus23

          Isn’t Viacom older-than-dirt billionaire Sumner Redstone’s plaything, along with CBS? Don’t worry, once his evil daughter-in-law gets him declared incompetent, the Bey-kreig can begin…

        • Once&futureFred

          The Beyoncé Army as dispatched by Viacom will take control sometime between 10:00am and 6:00pm, so you kinda have to wait around…

  • Spotts1701

    What will they do when January 21, 2017 comes around and Obama isn’t Emperor-for-life and Exalted Poobah?

    • Belasaurius

      they’ll do what Trump does and deny they ever said it despite overwhelming video proof. Then they’ll blame the Jew media for persecuting Christians.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        It’s a solid plan.

      • SnarkTank

        Worse, they’ll claim that their intrepid reporting exposed the plot and thus helped prevent it.

    • Anarchy Pony

      It’s all part of the eleven dimensional chess game that is the illuminati’s world domination plan.

    • bupkus23

      They’ll crow about how their exposure of Obama’s wicked plans spoiled it all for him – but that dastardly Kenyan is now conspiring to set up Queen Hillary I

  • The Wanderer

    Holy crap. This level of Stupid’s about red-lined the meters.

    • Blank Ron

      Try putting a 6.8μF 12V capacitor across the input leads.

  • Anarchy Pony

    AJ really needs either more or less drugs, I’m not sure which…

    • TeeRaak

      Yes.

    • Blank Ron

      Or at least switch from speed to downers.

  • chascates

    Can we still listen to Beyonce in our new prisonses? And can I be guaranteed I won’t have to share a cell with Alex Jones?

  • Nothing is more frightening to some of these guys than a minority female. What’s that about, I wonder?

    • calliecallie

      Nanny issues?

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Mammy, I think.

    • coozledad

      Fear of derisive laughter.

    • Nockular cavity

      They fear mockery of their little hands, if you know what I mean.

  • ManchuCandidate

    BeyBots!

    https://disastersofathirtysomething.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/fembots.jpg

    I think Alex Jones got this theory after he got high and passed out while masturbating to the “documentary” Austin Powers International Man of Mystery.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I cannot imagine this did not take place. It would be irresponsible not to speculate, also too.

    • tehbaddr

      Read it in the comments somewhere else, must be true!

    • OddMan

      Alex, we have a white coat we want you to try on, the sleeves might be a bit long. We have men here to help you.

    • Doug Langley
  • calliecallie

    I don’t even have to read this article, just responding to the headline: I certainly hope so!

  • coozledad

    If Obama says that the penal system has been oppressive, at least he can’t blame it on Trump.

    • Trump’s penile system hasn’t worked in years…

      • tomamitai

        Trump’s penile system hasn’t worked in years…

        So that’s why Melania stays with him…plus the money, of course!

  • therblig

    about fucking time – he’s had 8 years.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Lazy, shiftless…

  • Chris Evans

    I imagine that having Alex Jones’ mentality is akin to someone taking “bath salts” laced with LSD.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I, too, am disappointed John McAffe lost the Libertarian primary.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah, it would have been nice to have a deep-pockets kinda cray-cray guy as the shiny new object over there to draw off some of Drumpf’s most drumpfiest voters; the same way a significant number of Bernie Bros are going to vote themselves into irrelevance with Jill Stein.

    • GeminiCricket

      Also,…he seems nice.

  • coozledad

    The Viacom-CIA weapons system is activating the Beyoncés and all the rest of the folks to say, you know, go out and kill the pigs.

    Battery acid isn’t groovy, Alex.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Beyoncé Army, activate!

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Way better use of a Target than those crazy Bible people yelling about trans ladies in the bathroom.

      Also too: has Todrick Hall been working out?

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    An Army of Beyoncé’s? I’ll be in my bunk with a threesome dancing in my head. I for one welcome our gorgeous new overlords and my safeword is “tangerine”

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      My safe word is “ouch.” Am I doing it wrong?

    • MarkM

      Mine would be…shit, I wouldn’t need one. Anything she wanted would be fine with me…

    • I’m just going to decline the safe word on that one, we’ve all gotta go some time, and I choose to go out in a blaze of Beyonces!

  • TeeRaak
  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I failed to understand one word of what they were talking about, so looks like we finally got my meds adjusted properly! Whew!

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Their meds, however, continue to be a vexing challenge.

  • Msmlg1979

    Obama says he doesn’t want to be dictator for life? That is just exactly what someone who actually does want to be dictator for life would say!

    • MarkM

      Unassailable logic! Sinister and Machiavellian! Can we assume you will be a guest on “InfoWars” in the near future?

      • Msmlg1979

        Of course, and I have lots of other material to share that’s even more convincing. Just a little hint-invest in tinfoil futures!

        • MarkM

          I’m already angling for the tinfoil hat concession. Remember, it’s better to eat out of the same dish than to spill the dinner…

          • Msmlg1979

            What’s my cut gonna be??

          • MarkM

            I was gonna say we’d split 50-50, but you’re a chick and I’m a white male, so…35%.

          • Msmlg1979

            Damn, I was gonna settle for the privilege of making you a sammich and fetching you a beer like a good little chick. I don’t know what to do with money!

          • Doug Langley

            You use it to buy groceries and beer, duh.

          • SisterArtemis

            and shooooooz!

          • MarkM

            She don’t need shoes. Kitchen floor is heated…

          • SisterArtemis

            You clearly are confused about the purpose of said shooz

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Now don’t you worry your pretty little head about that. We’ll take care of everything.

          • Msmlg1979

            My hero! Swoon!

          • MarkM

            Well hell, little lady, that sounds fair to me! Just sign here and here, and I need the date and your initials here…

          • Msmlg1979

            You’re so good to me, honey.

          • MarkM

            Humble, appreciative women are great. It was well worth the bucks it cost to heat the kitchen floor for you…

          • Msmlg1979

            I couldn’t be more grateful. I know your tinfoil money will trickle it’s way down to me in the form of an allowance when you want to see me in a pretty new dress or as a reward for making an especially nice dinner, much the way I dole treats out to my dogs!

          • MarkM

            What’s that hon? You say you want me to dig you a hole in the woods so you can bury some rotten garbage? Why sure – hand me the shovel. How much garbage is there? About 215 lbs? That’s a lot – better make the hole pretty deep…

          • Msmlg1979

            Look..there’s a nice spot right next to those other mounds in my backyard. That’s where I bury all my trash!

          • Doug Langley
        • Doug Langley

          I’m on it! Can I buy the tinfoil with gold? Or do I buy gold with tin? Or . . . how does this work again?

          • MarkM

            Give me the gold, I give you the hat.

          • Doug Langley

            Sounds fair to me!

    • Doug Langley

      Garsh! Yu am smrt!!

    • cat cafe

      You know who ELSE wanted to be dictator for life?

      • Msmlg1979

        ME!

        • Jonny On Maui

          There’s an inaugural ball I’d love to attend. Can I pick which table I’ll be under?

          • Msmlg1979

            Of course, but be careful if you choose the Wonkette table. No one will have pants on.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I don’t consider that a problem. More like a bonus…

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Milton Bradley?

  • Seaside

    “Help me Taylor Swift you’re my only hope!”

  • Indiepalin

    Alex Jones continues to makes lemons out of Lemonade.

  • Tony Alexander

    to bey or not to bey!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Dear Madam Secretary/FLOTUS/Mrs. Clinton,
    Please nominate Obama to the Supreme Court. I promise I will never ask you for anything again forever, even a pony.
    GGY

    • eddi

      You have to get past Michelle (Mama Lion) to get that dream fulfilled. I don’t think so. Although if you point out the number of Rebs who will explosively self-combust on the House floor she might warm to the idea for the next replacement.

  • calliecallie

    Join the Beyoncé Army and Bey all that you can Bey.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Please come to the front desk to collect your prize.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      ALL that I can Bey?
      Like a Bey buffet?
      Tell Red Lobster
      I’ll be by today

  • Thaumaturgist

    When they come and get me and my Christian brothers and sisters, will they let us have our guns in prison?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Yes, and your Facebook too! I hear.

    • MarkM

      No…Yes! Yes they will!

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    In the old days there were large, self contained aslyums where people like Alex Jones and James David Manning could discuss these kinds of topics when the meds wore off in the day room. Hell, they could even have their own radio show using dead rats for microphones…..why did those places close when clearly Alex Jones’ listenership says we need them more than ever?!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Do we have any proof that he has listeners? Other than people like us who hate-listen, I mean?

      • Hairstrike Alpha

        Oh no, I see “Infowars” stickers all the time in Oregon….he’s got a hard core base of weirdos similar to Jugalos…

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Aw, shit.

    • Painter of Goats

      They were probably released by parole officers.

      And I’m still laughing at “using dead rats for microphones”.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Ask St. Ronnie…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Just wait ’til Alex Jones finds out that he’s a recursively secret brainwashed false-flag operation. It would blow his mind — if we had an instrument small enough to detect such an event.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Shocking if true!!11!

    The Viacom-CIA weapons system is activating the Beyoncés and all the rest of the folks to say, you know, go out and kill the pigs.

    I know for a fact that Bey loves pigs. Especially those little pot-bellied guys. So cute!

    • Tony Alexander

      the bey of pigs!

      • The Wanderer

        Upvote for horrible pun that I didn’t think of.

        • Tony Alexander

          ;-)

      • eddi

        Groaner.

      • Blank Ron

        <golf clap>

      • Historicat

        Connect the dots, sheeple!

  • beatbort

    You know who this loon REALLY sounds like? Charles Manson.
    True. Manson had hoped, by arranging a series of murders and crimes, to start a race war in the U.S.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well, you may be a lover, but you ain’t no dancer.

    • eddi

      Alex has less chance of pulling that off. Despite the fact he has more followers.

      • Blank Ron

        It’s hard to get your followers to start a race war when they’re all hiding under their beds.

        • eddi

          Laying on a pile of guns and MREs.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Beyoncé is sexy, outspoken and obscenely talented…worst of all she’s a strong black woman. Alex Jones probably gets a brown note when all of those variables come together in his head.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    “Kill the pigs.” SOMEBODY’S been re-reading Helter Skelter!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Or Lord of the Flies.

      • timpundit

        Or listening to the White Album too much.

        • beatbort

          Alex Jones listened to “Happiness is a Warm Gun” backwards and now he thinks Charlie Brown and Linus killed JFK.

    • JH Marx

      Proper terminology – off the pigs!

  • Scooby

    these idiots forgot the part about imposing Sharia law! Amateurs!

    • eddi

      That was last week. Or next week. One panic at a time or they will confuse their listeners.

  • PixieThis

    I’m really going to have to start wearing Depends because these guys are so cra-cra, I’m peeing my pants laughing. (and thanks to Wonkette’s witty ways as well!)

  • Painter of Goats

    “…you’re going to see parole officers releasing people who normally would be kept in prison.”

    I thought parole officers worked with people who are already out of prison. Does this mean parole officers will be the vanguard of the Beyoncé Army liberation front?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I think it means “Alex Jones does not know the difference between parole officers and judicial courts,” but my wingnut-to-English app is down, so I could be wrong.

      • Crystalclear12

        Common problem with that app and Alex Jones. You have to get the batshit crazy upgrade.

        • Gleem-McShinez

          Dammit! The Illuminati hid the existence of an upgrade from me through their mind control mosquitos!

      • Painter of Goats

        Thanks for clarifying. I wasn’t sure if I should be out tying yellow ribbons to trees in support of the parole officers or what.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Neither of these guys have ever seen a black person in real life, right?

    • eddi

      From inside a locked limo maybe.

  • limberrat

    The Beygency is coming Alex…

  • Me The People

    Yaay Alex Jones. Now where’s that little piece of OG Kush I was saving for when I needed it?

    • Me The People

      OMG its that Manning dude as well. Too bad I don’t have any concentrate.

  • JackLinks

    In this short 1 minute long video, watch Jones attempt to think and talk at the same exact time!

    http://truth-out.org/buzzflash/videos/video/how-a-paranoid-right-wing-nutjob-s-brain-works-in-1-minute

    • Biff52

      I grew up with crazy people spouting that crazy shit on street corners. It was relatively harmless, they didn’t attract enough listeners to create a pedestrian traffic jam. Now, though, through the power of the internets, they have ground the whole country to a standstill.

      • eddi

        There were more of them safely hidden away in secret attic and basement rooms. The shame of their kinfolk. They slid a laptop through the feeding slot and now they don’t hear the raving and screaming anymore. We do.

      • SisterArtemis

        I have them still, chillin’ behind my house, coming into my shop, sleeping on the sidewalk – and I live in a small city. At least they don’t have the internets, or at least not most of them. No phones at all (the ubiquitous street computer), and not much else either, poor souls.

        I’ll say this, too: Apart from the ones that are really off the rails (who maybe wanna kill me or otherwise be especially unpleasant), I’d rather talk to my crazy street people neighbors with all their whackadoodle theories, than Alex Jones and his ilk.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    If he ever wants anyone to take him seriously, Alex Jones should do his hair like that crazy UFO guy on teevee.

    • beatbort

      Or Eraserhead.

    • bupkus23

      Don King

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I see we’re all on the same page here.

  • elpinche

    Where’s the laugh track?

    • eddi

      Somebody? Please?

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Beypocalypse Now!

  • anon_the_great

    Fuck you Alex. Had the Weimar Republic jailed ‘hundreds of thousands’ of Nazis there would have been no Nazi regime you dumb goat fucker.

    • eddi

      But then the Nazis stuffed anybody they didn’t like in prison. Alex just wants to win this time. Projection, always projection.

  • anon_the_great

    Dear New World Order,

    How in the fuck is it you haven’t silenced this doughy pant-load goat lover yet?

    Sincerely, G. Soros

    • Swampgas_Man

      Noooo, that’s just what he’s EXPECTING us to do!

  • baconzgood

    Baconz only skimmed this post because Alex Jones is…I feel pity for him. Obviously he has no grip on reality.

    But from the wonkette “banner” and my brief skimming Baconz stats this:

    I have been “activating” my army (the one eyed general and his two majors) for Beyonce since that Austin Powers movie. And, ever since she started to put that “if you like it put a ring on it” propaganda film, Baconz has made my officers do push ups till they puked.

    • Swampgas_Man

      No need to pity Jones– he has his followers and donors to keep him company. THEM, I worry about.

  • Me The People

    Manning must be really pissed of at Samuel L Jackson’s portrayal of him in Django.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    You know what makes me really, really, really happy? The fact that Beyoncé was able to buy a Lear jet for Jay-Z’s birthday. The people who are all outraged and confused by her talent and popularity (lookin’ at you, Bill-O) had to have been even more ragey and stabby over that. It makes me happy to imagine the pout-rage.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Still my favorite Manning clip. It’s hard to believe Jones thinks having Manning on his show enhances his credibilty.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWXPxn_Mkns

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      It’s hard to believe Alex Jones thinks.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Cancer in the butthole!

      • Gleem-McShinez

        That sounds like a decent euphemism for “a David Manning appearance on Alex Jones’ show.”

    • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

      So this is what it looks like when you have Paranoia and Tourette Syndrome…

  • Donkey Option

    Ugh. If only. Alex, stop getting our hopes up.

  • Skwerl King

    Is Obama Activating Million-Beyoncé Army To Make Him Dictator For Life?

    Please be yes.
    Please be yes.
    Please be yes.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Worse, he’s moving the White House to Kalorama!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    What Alex fails to realize is that his continued existence means the conspiracy to murder him is succeeding.

    • SisterArtemis

      While I don’t want to break any rules about the comments which are not allowed, it’s looking more appealing every day….

  • Callyson

    Um, guys?

  • SisterArtemis

    OH MY GOD, ALEX!!!!!

  • HanBarbara

    He’s projecting so much he should have his own movie theater.

  • Bitter Scribe

    At that point, they will all start shrieking “I SLAY! I SLAY! I SLAY!”

    You’re hearing it wrong. They’re really saying “Ice lay!” because they want to be laid by Ice Cube. Or Ice-T. Or maybe Vanilla Ice.

    OK, I got nuthin’.

    • Courser

      I like Ice-T but I’m not sure I want to get laid by him. Maybe he could just stand there and glare at me, instead. He does that well.

  • Master Contrail Program

    The only way to be safe is to up ones’ Brain Force intake to induce tele and pyrokenesis. Read between the lines, sheeple!

    Buying a little gold wouldn’t hurt either.

    • georgiaburning

      You need to take those smart pills that rich people use, the ones on the content.ad links.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Yup. AFAIK, I haven’t been banned from working out. So, I can only imagine how ripped I’ll be, after combining a proper exercise regimen, with the legal steroid doctors hate.

  • Doug Langley

    Forget a chicken in every pot. I want a Beyonce in every bedroom.

    • eddi

      Virtually real?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Is there an portable bunk version planned?

  • Master Contrail Program

    WEXLER!!!

  • bupkus23

    I started watching that “Roots” remake last night ( after DVR’ing it last week ).

    Had to turn it off after a half-hour and delete the rest of the series, it was just that bad. Alex Haley should be turning over in his grave…

    If Alex Jones thinks that anyone’s gonna watch it and get super-mad ( at anyone other than the Histrory Channel/A & E/Lifetime for making it ), he”s even more deranged than usual.

    • Suse

      I only watched the first 15 minutes. Terrible, just terrible…

  • OddMan

    “The Viacom-CIA weapons system is activating the Beyoncés and all the rest of the folks to say, you know, go out and kill the pigs”

    Back in the day I had bad acid trips that did not sound so fucking crazy.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Speaking of acid trips, how long has the urban legend of a guy dosing an entire sheet at once, and now being institutionalized because they think they”re an orange/glass of orange juice been around? I’ve heard several variants from my acid days in the ’90s through early aughts.

      • cat cafe

        No, that one actually happened–he’s running for President on the “orange”, er Republican ticket.

        • Master Contrail Program

          The Yoogely Annoying Orange

      • mancityfooty .

        In my day it was that you had to take 7 hits and then get a spinal tap. The government would declare you legally insane and give you $800-1000 to never work again.
        That was in the days when that much money was more than minimum wage.

  • Kathy Taus

    They’re going to be so disappointed when Hillz gets sworn in.

    • tomamitai

      No, they’ll love it, because they get to reuse all the bat shit crazy theories they concocted about Bill & Hill back in the 90’s. It’s the only kind of recycling they like!

      • eddi

        Trump already has it covered. Hills personally shot Vince Foster in the shower at the Ewing ranch. Or something of that sort of thing.

      • Kathy Taus

        Can you believe we’re going to elect those murderers again?

    • Doug Langley

      Ah, they’ll just claim Bamz is controlling Hillz by remote control.

      • SisterArtemis

        Oh gawd, I hadn’t EVEN thought about that angle. I am stocked up and ready for the opening of the conspiracy theory cave that is lurking in the depths of Republican Party Headquarters and Castle(tm), every sexist trope, every scandal by association, AOT,K. But somehow I’d not thought to calculate in the Obama Dictator angle.

        I bow to your foresight.

      • Master Contrail Program

        My doom mate Lori…..found these job…releasing 18,172 inmates hourly…. I too started….incarceratings 17,156..patriots as well…. Enough to fill up a FEMA Camp!….It’s really simple.

      • Kathy Taus

        Be just like the Kenyan!

  • tehbaddr

    I for one am relieved. Finally Barry Bamz is making his move to seize the country, take all the guns, round white folks up into FEMA camps, and dispense all the dildos. My rent has gotten to damn high!

  • beavertank

    I really like the sound of their paranoid fantasy world where all the idiots go to prison for being idiots while the non-violent minor drug offenders get released. And the Obama as dictator for life thing sounds pretty good at the moment too.

    What do we have to do to make their dreams come true? It can’t be that hard, they’ve practically planned it all out for us already.

    • John Iwaniszek

      They can’t plan their way off the toilet

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Can I work on, uh, breeding the army of Beyonces? First, I’ll just need to breed with her. A lot.

      That isn’t going to be a problem, is it?

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Geeze, does this sound more than a little bit like Charles Manson and “Helter Skelter” bullshit???

    • eddi

      He can’t even do original crazy.

    • Master Contrail Program

      It’s the same world where wimpy, stupid liberals will run across eight lanes of traffic to avoid a confrontation with a burly, rugged conservative. Yet they somehow control the media, and all levers of power, keeping America from being great.

      Schrodinger’s Catastrophe

      • Angela Ruzzo

        And those wimpy liberals won’t even buy GUNS!

        • Courser

          Some of us wimpy liberals do have guns but don’t POINT them at people, much less shoot them.

  • chicken thief

    Obama met with Castro just to learn that one weird trick! CONNECT THE DOTS, SHEEPLE!!!

  • chicken thief

    That’s a pretty good argument for the GOP to confirm Garland now – thanks, Alex!

  • Once&futureFred

    Holy crap its happening, that bastard DID call up Bey’s army!
    (not sure about those uniforms though..)

  • Master Contrail Program

    How much do you want to bet that all the right wing pundits, organ-grinders, and shit-stirrers actually vote for the D nominee for president?

    Sure, there’s always a way to blame some nebulous “other” for all of societies ills, but having a very visible person to point the credulous to, has to make their “jobs” so much easier.

  • Tendernob

    I imagine Obama saying “Smithers, release the Beyoncés.”

    • Master Contrail Program

      “What happened to my league?!?”

      “Even Beyonces need to breathe, sir.”

    • Courser

      Someone needs to make a gif or meme or something like that for this. I’d love to see that!

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    I wonder what brand of hot sauce is best on baby brains

    • MrBlobfish

      I prefer Crabenaro. It’s good on everything.

    • mardam422

      There is no “best” one. It’s all a matter of taste. But it’s important that the baby brains be fresh. I suggest going down to Planned Parenthood. They have the best baby brains. Like anything else, though, get there early on the weekends.

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        I hope they have buy one brain, get an free baby part of your choice promotion again

    • Suse

      Sriracha or GTFO!

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        I would have said Tabasco or an Mexican hot sauce, but Sriracha is an good choice too

  • mardam422

    “Now Jones and Manning have cometh upon each other again….”

    And now I, as well as they, need a shower. But for different reasons.

  • mardam422

    I, for one, welcome our new Beyonce overlords.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Overladies?

      • natoslug

        Over, under, I’m happy wherever she wants to be.

      • greyXstar

        All the single overladies

  • MrBlobfish

    Obama is really gonna have a busy last week in office, what with the gun-taking, FEMA camps, death panels, sharia, mandatory gay marriage and abortions, stirring up the Bey Hive to round up the white Christians, abolishing the gov’t and declare himself Tyrant in Chief, Agenda 21, Common Core, Jade Helm 16, and whatnot and whathaveyou.

    • tehbaddr

      He’s got all the Illuminati helping, everything should go as Jones foresees it.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        And he was over in Britain a few weeks ago to discuss his plans with the Alien Lizard Royal Family. Notice that Lizzie has her head covered, so she’s probably actually a Muslim Alien Lizard.

    • Master Contrail Program

      He’s smart to wait until the NFL playoffs start.

    • hcb2013

      He can really multi-task, can’t he??!

  • greyXstar

    Who would NOT be okay with an army of a million Beyonces??

    • MrBlobfish

      Old, racist white guys?

    • natoslug

      I’m just sad I have to share my Beyonce with 318.9 other people. Is there a way to get Obama to make it a 318.9 million Beyone army so we can each have our own?

      • greyXstar

        This is Nobel Peace Prize material.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Man, I hope I’m not near the end of the line! I don’t want my Beyonce to be like one of those busted up floor version of a knockoff iPad at a discount electronics store.

    • tehbaddr

      I’m gonna go with Hitler, it’s got to be Hitler this time, right?

      • greyXstar

        I’d like to think even Hitler would be all “SLAYYY QUEEN”

      • Odd Jørgensen

        You know who else was Hitler?

    • Once&futureFred

      I think it’s her Black Berets that have Alex terrified, but yeah..

    • Odd Jørgensen

      You get a piece of ass, and you get a piece of ass,and you get a piece of ass, everybody gets a piece of Bèyonces` ass!

  • natoslug

    Serious question: Is Alex Jones really this fucking delusional and stupid, or is this an excellent act. For once, it can’t be both.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      I would go for his audience being delusional and stupid.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Pretty sure this is yet another example of Right-Wing Action Man, fighting the forces of evil with his Kung-Fu Grift.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I say grift. He keeps amping up the crazy while most true paranoid delusionals stick to the same refrain over and over again. They don’t “uncover more truth” because to them, their delusions are the truth.
      Therefore, Alex is a grifter, amping it up to keep his followers tuning in to hear about what else.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Do these Beyonces live in a Bluth model home in Iraq with the Saddams?

    Or the Umbrella Corporation genetic labs with the Alices?

  • Courser

    Damn, that is a full load of grade A supreme crazy right there.

    It’s so incredibly insane that it’s kind amusing in a way. I would never, ever want to be inside one of their brains.

  • natoslug

    Once he releases the clones, if Obama needs somewhere to keep the original, I am willing to become a full-time curator.

  • jmhm

    Of course, Manning thinks the klan are more openminded than the ‘homos,’ so salt to taste.

  • tehbaddr

    Don’t forget to buy Jones’ stay alert energy brain pills for the paranoid so you know when the Beys are coming. Viagra also,too. She can kill with the sexy time!

  • hcb2013

    Wow. I mean, wow. The absolutely crazy walk among us. This dude is probably schizophrenic; his paranoia kinda points to that. Doesn’t he have any sane friends or family members who can get him to a psychiatrist–fast?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      psychiatrists are all part of the secret illuminazis who indoctrinate good christians with voodoo mumbo jumbo and drugs.

      • hcb2013

        Gosh, Jen Baker VA, I sure hope you’re kidding. Psychiatrists are great folks who help a lot of people.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    OBVIOUSLY “PUT A RING ON IT” MEANS HANDCUFF THE FIRST WHITE DUDE YOU SEE!!!

    WAKE UP LOBSTEREEPLES!

    • Left Coast Tom

      Beyonce’s going to handcuff us white dudes? I’m not really seeing the problem…

  • Suse

    What’s this RWNJ obsession with Beyonce? Every decade has its evil musical person(s) who are going to ruin the youth of America, but she’s going to bring about a race war and Armageddon? These people need a practical hobby, like weaving potholders or something.

    • Blank Ron

      They’re not allowed in the crafts room any more, not since the Scotch Tape Incident.

      • Suse

        Shhh! You’re not supposed to bring that up.

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        I told you bubble gum wasn’t going to work!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Superbowl coverage. It’s all about the Superbowl.

      They are so far out of the universe that they think that whoever appears on the Superbowl is the one and true target.

      • Left Coast Tom

        Huckabee has been whining about Beyonce long before the Superbowl.

  • Blank Ron

    I simply don’t understand why this whackaloon doesn’t have a show on History Channel 2. Right between America Unearthed and Hangar 1: The UFO Files. Is it because he looks deceptively normal? A trip to Giorgio Tsoukalos’ hairdresser would fix that.

  • whitroth

    Please, please, why did he wait *so* *long*? Why have we had to suffer under the libertarians in Congress, and the Senate, and the dildonians, er, Patriots (and their proponents, the NRA? And GC’s (Good Christians ™)?! Please, gulag them all!

    Btw, where *is* that order of lions I’ve been waiting for, there’s a lot of GC’s out there that would feed them well….

  • WhyFelicia

    Thank goodness this is all out in the open! Now, when Obama does end his term as Preznit, these two can claim it was because they brought attention to this dastardly plan!

  • Fly

    I see a future for Obama and Beyonce co-starring in the musical, Hamilton.

    • phoenix00

      Nah, I think B Barry Bamz deserves his own Broadway play. We do need Lin-Manuel Miranda on it though!

  • kaw143

    Viacom? They can’t figure out how to make a decent Star Trek movie, but they can expertly plan and initiate Armageddon?

  • Iam Reading

    These guys are 0 for 12,989 when it comes to predictions. How do they keep their jobs? Who listens to them unironically?

    • boll ocks

      people who are clinically delusional.

  • brucej

    I for one, eagerly Welcome our new Beyonce Overlords!

  • Jeff in the desert

    So what if he does? I am OK with that. The goal is to outlast the Republicans and get a few more libs on the court.

  • Candy Apple

    You only have five more months, Obama, HURRY UP. I was so looking forward to being a jack-booted thug in one of your FEMA camps, where I could torture Christians by saying “Happy Holidays” at them.

    • mailman27

      IKR? Health insurance, retirement, overtime pay after 8/40 and the thrill of trying out my cloven hooves in custom jack boots.

      • Historicat

        It’s hard to create a snappy uniform which isn’t just a Hugo Boss knock-off these days.

  • ltmcdies

    I’m thinking there is an increasing section of American voters who would be just fine with keeping Obama.

    • phoenix00

      Canadian voters too I suspect

  • handyhippie65

    since i’m not a god fearin christian, i guess i have nothing to fear.

    • Barley_Brains

      God fearin’ Christians have nothing to fear either.

  • boll ocks

    So now eating baby brains with hot sauce makes you the anti-christ or something? Damn Alex Jones and his PC crusade!

  • sadboy

    Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick.

    I suppose next we’ll have to face a horrific Barbarossa-style invasion from Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation.

    Can’t these freaks just shut up and dance?

  • Ryan Denniston

    “who recently revealed that Michelle Obama murdered Joan Rivers so nobody would find out she had a penis”

    Uhhhh, wut? None of my guy friends know I have a penis, they just suspect. Is there a lady culture I’m missing. I mean, one not born of porn fantasies?

    • phoenix00

      You’ll need to check a North Carolina bathroom for that.

  • Jim

    I will say this about Alex Jones, his level of accuracy is consistent.

    • dshwa

      Kristolian, even.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        You pounced on that point before me.

      • bluecollarjane

        Why you gotta drag NostraDumbAss like that bruh?

  • DaveM

    I actually know something Alex Jones doesn’t. Dean Wormer declared double secret martial law last year. The currant Senate leadership and Speaker of the house are going to be sent to a FEMA camp administered by Harry “The Whip” Reid. Any members of congress who try to resist will also be funneled into this camp. Obama will be made Cesar and have all right wing wanna be be journalists nailed to the cross. If not at least run over by a bus, which ever costs less. I kind of like the bus thing. The popping noises are interesting and the aftermath is edifying to people who hate stupid. Wait for the bus Alex.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Crazy as he is, is Alex Jones any crazier than Bill Kristol?

    They’re different kinds of crazy. Bill is more the slick, villager, allowed to pretend he knows what he is talking about despite decades of utter failure.

    Alex, the working-class nutball in his rent-to-pieces tee-shirt, eyeballs bulging.

    But aren’t they really just different brands of the same old shit?

  • bluecollarjane

    Somebody’s been hitting the bath salts extra hard this week.

  • HazooToo

    Attention Wonkadarlings! Turgid love muscle. That is all.

  • 451 Byrnes

    One question. Is the prison going to be Trump proof? ‘Cause that would be a yoooge selling point.

  • ongre11

    So, that preacher dude is gay, am I right?

  • RocketRoach

    Oh, so this is what they mean by “beyological warfare”…

  • Teto85

    You get a Beyonce, you get a Beyonce, you get a Beyonce. EVERYONE GETS A BEYONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yes, please. NOW!!!!!!!!!

    And one for the Mrs.

    • CptnSpldng

      And one more for Jenny and the wimp!

  • bobbert

    Why are these people not institutionalized? Yeah, I know.

  • I can just see Obama in his underground bunker:
    “Mr. President, Donald Trump is officially the GOP Presidential nominee.”
    “There’s only one thing that can save us now! The moment we’ve been waiting for has come.”
    “You mean …?”
    “Yes. ACTIVATE THE BEYONCES.”

  • AngryKatie

    Activating the Beyonces has rocketed to #1 on my list of favorite apocalyptic scenarios.
    Sorry zombies.

    • MrCanoehead

      Zombeyonces?

  • UnsaltedSinner

    TOUBAB FA! ALI BEYONCÉ BOMA YE!

    • Ghenghis McCann

      I don’t understand what you say, but I will defend with my life your right to say it.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I’d tell Alex Jones to kiss my cis-male butt, but I read on the internet that he really likes that sort of thing.

  • Rabbit_Rebozo

    This conspiracy theory is BEYond the pale!

    • bubbuhh

      It’s more tan or even coffee colored than pale. They keepin Beyoncé real busy, too. Hard to see how she finds time for her singing tour and such what with the CIA stuff.

      One thing that confuses me. If B. Bamz works for the CIA, how does he also get to be Dictator For Life? It’s a puzzlement.

  • Krombopulous Pichael

    right, obama is with putin trying to hold on to his global power…

    and when the other guy is getting late nights sexts from the russians?

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