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let meg ryan ruin yet another lunch
whoops wrong ryan

Paul Ryan is making mouth sounds again claiming to be soooo bipartisan, and thoughtful, and not like those other dicks in the Republican party and the House, which he is the head of. Paul Ryan doesn’t hate poor people any more, he will heal America, and now it isn’t just Democrats’ fault that there is “bitterness,” but rather it is Both Sides Do It! What a sober and deeply reasonable man!

Let’s watch some swelling gravitas music and bullshit, you guys!

I’ve not seen the kind of bitterness in our politics as I have today. And I’ve gotta say, I think it’s both sides and it’s not … you know, I’d love to say it’s just Democrats, but it’s not, it’s both. And it doesn’t have to be that way.

Thank God it isn’t just Democrats calling the president a Muslim infiltrator, or explaining that it is Mexicans doing the raping, or vowing to destroy the American economy because someone somewhere got health care, or refusing to vote on a Supreme Court justice because black presidents get 7/8 the term of white presidents, it is right there in the Constitution. That would be deeply unreasonable of them!

Narrator: America can do better.

Oh wait, we “misspoke.” There are actually four words in Paul Ryan’s ad that are not a lie. They were not spoken by Paul Ryan, but still. We regret the “error.”

This anxiety has got to be channeled and dealt with with solutions instead of just amplified and accelerated and exacerbated. How do you fix that? I think leaders fix this, and we haven’t had that kind of leadership lately.

John Boehner, bless his pickled soul, did what he could to rein in the Tea Party crazies (he’s a Wall Street guy; he didn’t actually want the world economy to crash just because America decided it didn’t feel like paying its mortgage) but it turned out Ted Cruz is a little bit of an unmanageable FUCKING NIGHTMARE OF A FEVER DREAM.

Leaders need to say, “here’s my principle; here’s my solution.” And let’s try to do it in a way that is inclusive, that’s optimistic, that’s aspirational, that’s focusing on solutions.

Yes, let’s do “try” to be inclusive. Unless you are Muslim (in which case you are obviously going to bomb us), black (you are probably murdering a cop RIGHT NOW), a Mexican and therefore a drug-smuggling rapist, a slut who thinks her employer shouldn’t get to force her to make an appointment with Dr. Risen Jesus for her pap smear, or just your garden variety Democrat taker.

And so that’s the choice you’ll have that’s far more than a personality. Republicans lose personality contests anyway. We always do.

bushnolikey

But we win ideas contests.

I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out.
I can’t believe you like money too. We should hang out.

We owe you that choice.

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  • Scooby

    7 more months to bipartisanship!

  • Spotts1701

    And so that’s the choice you’ll have that’s far more than a personality. Republicans lose personality contests anyway. We always do.

    “So please, pay no attention to the fact that the guy we’re running is nothing but a personality. The ideas will come later. Would I lie to you?”

    • Biff52

      A gross, disgusting abrasive personality, but..

  • Joe Beese

    WE NEED A LEADER.

    THE LEADER WILL TELL US WHAT TO DO.

    • Anarchy Pony

      TRUMP HEIL!

  • Msgr_Moment

    I don’t want what he’s having.

  • arglebargle

    Can’t we all just get along, as long as it’s the way I want to do things.

  • lucidamente

    “I’ve got to say, I think it’s both sides.”

    Isn’t that tattooed on Chuck Todd’s ass? Or is it Ron Fournier’s? Or Mike Allen’s?

    • zerosumgame0005

      Roger Ailies dick also too so FAUX & Friends can be reminded often

    • Msgr_Moment

      The check’s in the mail.
      I promise I’ll call you.
      I promise not to cum in your face.
      I’ve got to say, I think it’s both sides.

    • Master Contrail Program

      I believe it was, Harvey Dent.

      • Blank Ron

        Harvey’s a piker. Der Drumpf has at least five faces.

  • freakishlystrong

    Hey Paulie, guess who Ted Nugent votes for, (hint, it ain’t the “other side”). “You Lie!” That was also not our “side”, it was a Republican. Guess what Congress can’t pass funding for a completely avoidable epidemic headed our way this summer? It ain’t “both sides” dude, it’s YOURS.

  • Anarchy Pony

    America can do better. So much better, we could have universal health care, free or cheap college education, high speed rail, we could house the homeless, maybe develop fusion power, phase out as much fossil fuel use as possible… the list goes on, and yet nothing on that list is something republicans want.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Oh. I was going to say that we could let the billionaires keep more of their money, but…. carry on.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Well, taxes aren’t libety…

        • jmhm

          if you look at it right, taxes are an unconstitutional government restraint of speech.

          • Anarchy Pony

            What a convenient sincerely held belief…

          • jmhm

            Yep. It keeps me from feeling bad about William F Buckley dying mired in the stench of his decaying movement.

      • nothingisamiss

        Everyone knows that Jesus loves billionaires bestest.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Well, if we could re-phrase some of it, they might go for it. For instance, “Try to develop fusion power – the government will give you a bazillion dollars, which you can use to buy hookers and blow while your kids go to college free! And when your hooker gives you syphilis, you can get that taken care of free, too! You and your golfing buddies can take the new high-speed trains from “work” to Augusta in no time, basking in comfort and drinking all the beer you can hold – and if you become a candidate for a liver transplant, that’ll be free, too!”

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      Every single thing on your list restricts Freedom. I don’t know how, but they all do.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Thank God it isn’t just Democrats calling the president a Muslim infiltrator…

    Yeah, but it’s the Democrats’ fault that we have that Muslim infiltrator as President in the first place.

    • zerosumgame0005

      Thank Allah!

    • Blank Ron

      Funny, I thought that it was a majority of average American voters who wanted a Muslim infiltrator running the country. I stand corrected.

  • Look Closer

    Republcans’ modus operandi: Blame somebody else for what you are doing.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    He’s bipartisan like he’s bisexual.

    Oops! Wait a minute. One of those could be wrong….

    • Lizzietish81

      Nah, he’s straight, to quote Mallrats “The guy is a walking hard-on!”

      • Look Closer

        Actually, Samantha Bee said he is a walking protein drink. Fitting!

      • data_ninja

        And Paul Ryan still not officially supporting Trump makes him the kid sitting on the escalator.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Oh, Ryan will drink the Kool-Aid sooner or later. It’ll give him diarrhea (I hope), but he’ll drink it. Either that or he’ll get primaried by a “real Republican” back home next year. The Eric Cantor phenomenon has all the R’s shitting their Depends.

    • baconzgood

      Situational Bi partisan. Meaning if he’s drunk and really horny he will make a commercial about working with dems. “BUT IT’S JUST PLAYING AND DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING!”

  • Look Closer

    I laugh at Republicans. They create the division and then blame the other guys. What a hoot!

  • Shibusa
  • Joshua Norton

    And I’ve gotta say, I think it’s both sides

    Hey Paulie. As my teachers used to say, “Show your work”!

    • SmokinGood

      Well, I mean, to be honest, I did call Shrub a war criminal a couple…dozen…hundred times and I may have come off a tad bit bitter about it.

  • x111e7thst

    I think leaders fix this by building a YOOOOOGE wall

  • Lizzietish81
  • memzilla

    The “Both Sides Do It” lie is the most pernicious, venal, pervasive lie to infect America since the kudzu vine, and is going to be just as hard to exterminate. Personally, I favor a program of herbicide and animal control, although I’m unsure how exactly to get a herd of goats into Faux ‘News’ headquarters. Perhaps a blond wig and a nametag, “A-a-a-a-a-ann Coulter?”

    • Look Closer

      The media keeps perpetuating all Republican lies. That’s how they stay alive!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Look, there are animal cruelty laws on the books for a reason, you monster!

    • Hemp Dogbane

      Monsanto has some new goat solutions that might do the trick.

    • cynmac

      We have a goat man here in my town who cleaned up the large historical cemetery (it has Civil War dead!). Maybe if we started a rumor that the goats were available for “dates”, they’d let them in. Not that we’d let them touch the goats, that’d be cruel.

  • baconzgood

    Baconz just has to say this.. if less than 10% of the House of Representatives can keep the entire legislative body from doing any work…..maybe it’s time to abandon the “Hassart Rule”.

    Doesn’t seem like 40 people out of 500+ can keep government from legislating is conducive to a representative democracy.

    • Rick Hill

      …And one asshat can bring the country to a halt…..

      • baconzgood

        As Teddy once said “democracy is the best form of government….until we find a new one”

    • Msgr_Moment

      What’s that? Touching in the shower doesn’t count?

      • baconzgood

        If your alone and the gym is closed….and “WAKC-CHA-CHICK-A WOON WHAKA-CHICK-A WOON WOON” music plays

    • Look Closer

      Nah. Paul Ryan doesn’t have the balls, just like Boehner didn’t.

      • baconzgood

        Yeah but see.. he’s the Speaker of the house….he’s the second most powerful person in america.

        Sure the vice president is second in line…but the Speaker of the House? He could destroy any member of congress or even the Senate. The Speaker of the House is the leader of the legislative body. The Speaker of the House is like the prime minister in the House of Commons.

        • Biff52

          But I thought Rafael Cruz was the boss of him?

    • cynmac

      The “Hastert Rule” needs to be retired, just for being named after Dennis Hastert, now a convicted pedophile felon. Maybe if the GOP didn’t keep supporting asshats just because they can control them with the threat of exposure (legally known as blackmail), we could see some “leadership”.

  • Rick Hill

    Republican party crumbling to the pavement…gotta build your image of being rational early but gotta be careful so the nut jobs don’t tear you down. This man has a thankless task….

  • Hemp Dogbane

    No fair using quotes ! This is why we can’t have a constructive discussion on the important issues !

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    There comes a time when you have to admit that your local team sucks, and apparently you start by cautiously comparing them to the other team. .

    • Rick Hill

      But he didn’t go the full grown up route the gop demands…take full responsibility, then say “They made us do it!!!”

  • Msmlg1979

    My Big, Gay BFF, who I am staying with this week, has a very successful dog-sitting business. I have 7 dogs (2 are my own, 1 is his) by myself today. When I got up this morning, and let all 7 out to greet each other, I’ll admit, things were touch and go at first. One of them got so excited, he ripped up a big piece of sod, and there was much barking and chasing and pandemonium. Now everyone has sniffed butts, and gotten to know each other. All is calm and peaceful. We Americans? It will be barking, chasing, pandemonium, sod-ripping, and butt-sniffing right up to November.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Have you ever considered running for Speaker?

      • Msmlg1979

        If we can replace the entire house with dogs, I’m IN.

      • arglebargle

        I’m not sniffing any conservative butts. I’m not keen on sniffing any of yall’s either, quite frankly.

    • nightmoth

      And pissing. Lots of pissing.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Just make sure it is in the right potty.

      • Msmlg1979

        So very much of it.

    • Master Contrail Program

      But what of the leg humping? WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!?
      Sorry, you mentioned barking, chasing, and pandemonium. I figured that plea had to fit in somewhere.

    • Courser

      I adore you. What a lovely picture (I love dogs, so yeah)

      • Msmlg1979

        I adore you back!

  • schmannity

    Both sides do it? When will this RINO be purged in a Cannon House Office Building putsch?

  • Call Me Al

    “Republicans lose personality contests anyway…” And that is why I have unfollowed so many assholes I know on The Book of Faces.

    • Creepoman

      I think you meant “Book of Feces”

      • Skadi

        Or “Face of Bupkis”

  • goonemeritus

    Who the hell is talking to? Is he trying to sound reasonable to the large percentage of his Party that think Trump is a statesman? Or maybe its sizeable portion of Republicans that “know” Obama wasn’t born in America? Maybe he is addressing the segment of his Party that would boo a gay solder or advocate letting poor people die rather than provide them needed medical care.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I have to admit, I wonder the same thing, because there ain’t no moderate middle anymore. There’s right, and left, and the ones who aren’t paying attention.

      • goonemeritus

        I’m pretty moderate, for instance I don’t think GW was as bad as Hitler. I just thought he was really bad.

  • anwisok

    Not angling for the nom at a brokered convention. Nope, Not at all.

    • Rick Hill

      Look at him! The only reasonable one left! The only real choice…

    • Look Closer

      My thoughts exactly. Trump isn’t a shoo in at the convention.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Why does my webpage look so wrong?

  • DodgeDixie&Descartes

    I always thought it was, Republicans lose at Jeopardy but win at beer pong. Shit…

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I am SO GLAD we have Paul Ryan to mansplain this to us! Having listened carefully to his well-reasoned “both sides do it” argument, I am now ready to embrace my fellow Americans who are of the Republican stripe, and find common ground with them. Or to find a really tall building and jump off of it. One of those two.

  • Crystalclear12

    You know when you first start the intervention they say “I don’t have a problem”. Yeah, ” both sides”-my ass.

  • anwisok

    “Republicans lose personality contests anyway. We always do.” Maybe don’t be flaming assholes trying to fuck everybody over would help?

  • TeeRaak

    Vote Republican and cut off your nose to spite your face.

    It’s your choice!
    https://media1.giphy.com/media/26tPu9y3XU7abPz3y/200w_d.gif

    • YourNameHere

      I’ve always wanted to be a character in the movie se7en. Nope.

  • Bill Slider

    It is early for the 2020 campaign, but he will start running now anyway.

    • cynmac

      Ryan and Lyin’ Ted. 4 more years of this crap, plus add Drumpf’s banannagins when he LOSES.

    • chicken thief

      He still has to worry about 2016 and getting primaried in 2018.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Eddie Munster needs reminding: You Lost the Last Time. You’re toast. Republicans don’t like losers. Why do you think Trumpf keeps using the word “winning?” The “peaked in high school” crowd eats that shit up with a spoon.

  • ClarkJoe

    See Democrats said that Bush authorized torture and launched a war based on faulty intelligence, while Republicans said that Obama is responsible for the economic collapse that happened before he got elected. America can do better!

  • ClarkJoe

    “Leaders need to say, “here’s my principle; here’s my solution.” And let’s try to do it in a way that is inclusive, that’s optimistic, that’s aspirational, that’s focusing on solutions.”

    That sounds an awful lot like Hillary. Wait, is Paul Ryan endorsing Hillary?

    • cynmac

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • chicken thief

      That didn’t even work for Obama when he said “here’s your principle, here’s your solution. Let’s do it!” They were still like “naw mang, not this year/term/century…”

  • beatbort

    As little George once put it so eloquently, “fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”

  • SterWonk

    Who’s the guy below Coulter?

    • DerrickWildcat

      Dax Shepard from, “Idiocracy.”

      • SterWonk

        Ah! Idiocracy has been on my to-watch list for quite a while, but I never seem to get around to it.

        • nightmoth

          Just the first 10 or so minutes gives you the theme in a nutshell and is brilliant.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            To be fair, you do not even have to watch it anymore. Just read a Trump speech. There ya go.

        • YourNameHere

          You should also read ‘The Marching Morons’ which is what inspired Judge to make the movie, while baring in mind that they are very different pieces.

          • bupkus23

            “The Marching Morons” has been a favorite of mine since I first ran into it in the early 70s ( it was originally published in 1951 ).

            Yeah, you’re right, there are significant differences – the principle one being that Kornbluth based his story on the idea that, even tho’ the large majority of Earthlings were blithering idiots, there also was an “elite” that kept the world from coming apart.

            We don’t have that….

    • Biff52

      Frito Pendejo!

    • A guy who is much, much smarter than the rest of the group.

      • chicken thief

        I don’t know but he looks older than a first grader to me….

    • Brendan_M

      If you want to understand what the hell is going on with a Trump candidacy for president, watch the prophetic documentary of the future, Idiocracy.

    • chicken thief

      Bill Maher back in the day. Oh, you mean in the photos….

    • handyhippie65

      watch idiocracy. it’s necessary to understand trump’s followers. damn, i shoulda looked down screen first.

  • Bitter Scribe

    The only “solution” they ever have is lower taxes on the rich and fuck everyone else.

  • I Only Like Cats

    This is terrible but I’m considering sending the Rs in Congress Haribo’s sugar-free gummy bears (if you don’t know why that’s terrible, read the amazon reviews). Is that wrong…? I wouldn’t actually do it, because if you eat one at time they’re delicious and I hear they’re so good it’s worth it, but the reviewer that said they were going to do it made me chuckle.

  • natoslug

    That’s right, Paul, only you can save America. Give us your final solution. Let’s work to make America free. Only then will you be showered with the praise you so richly deserve.

    • cynmac

      ISWYDT. But that’s why they’ll push Gingrich to be Trump’s oversee/puppetmaster VP. Newt’s down with that agenda.

      • natoslug

        Adding New to the ticket will certainly give the campaign the added gas it needs to finish. Their camp will have the highest derp concentration evah!
        nazisnazisnazis

        I are the master of subtlety.

        • cynmac

          As far as I can tell, that’s the only way they can make the donor class happy. Sith Lord Cheney is no shape to do it again. Newt could possibly, maybe, mitigate the utter disaster of Trump, as Cheney tried to do with Bush. But who knows if Trump will take it. Manafort is having enough trouble with the campaign.

          • bupkus23

            I think Newt envisions himself as Trump’s Cheney.

            Of course, Newt’s always been the “vision” guy…

        • mailman27

          Newt, huh? What a great choice .He is SO SMART!

      • chicken thief

        Newt would be the oldest Veep ever. What ever happened to that cute Little Marco fella? Bonus plus: He can be paid with bottles of Trump Water!!!

        • cynmac

          Doesn’t matter. They need someone who is scrappy and shrewd to show Trump the ropes. Newt id the right kind of Grinch. Hell, Trump’s getting tutored by Kissinger on foreign affairs.

    • Skadi

      Be prepared.

  • natoslug

    Asshole is a personality.

    • phoenix00

      And a verb, and an adjective, and an adverb!

  • nightmoth

    Re: Ryan video—Anybody else notice that all the black people in the auditorium were on the stage providing a backdrop? Outreach–you’re doing it wrong, as usual, GOP.

    • cynmac

      Subtlety? You’re looking for that, here?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    What is cracking me up the most is thus: 7 plus years of the most rabid partisan right wing dirty blowing tactics (hullo, potty police!) intended to divide and conquer, make it us against them, screaming when they do not get their way….
    And they are the ones going all “oh, we should work together, really!”

    • cynmac

      But only verbally. I have seen no action. Aren’t they still holding up the SCOTUS hearings. Ryan, GTFO.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        That is true, but expected. All they ever have is words. And cutting taxes on the rich.
        I was reading this thing about Texas having like no state tax, woo! Buuuuttttt the property tax is outrageous and the sales tax is pathetic. Fucking bitches.

        • cynmac

          Opposite in Alabama. Taxes are low but service fees, like water, are sky high.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Fuckers. I think Texas has high water fees too, and electic, all private of course, free hand and all that.
            If there is a place in hell, there better be a special place for those who try to make money off giving people water.

          • Two morning edition stories this AM really spoke to this (and our respective parties):

            1. Super storm sandy follow up and what a clusterfuck it’s been and how much of the recovery money has gone to the private sector with many homeowners denied assistance – primarily b/c there is no central entity organizing the effort. Which is just the way congress and the republicans want it.

            2. The TSA clusterfuck reporting is FINALLY getting around to pointing out that TSA ticket fees have been diverted TO PAY DOWN THE DEFICIT.

        • SlickTrixie

          Ooh, Ooh, I’m all for cutting taxes ON the rich! I’ll bring my $$$. Where do we meet?

    • Courser

      Right. Work with the party for whom ‘compromise’ is a dirty word. With them, it’s “Give me what I want or no deal.”

      Yeah, that’s what it means to them to ‘work together’. Stand there while they throw compromise in our face. Again. Fuck you, Paul Ryan. I know what you are.

  • Delu

    Leadership huh? What leadership exactly has Paul Ryan, new speaker of the house, displayed since being in that position? Specifically how much and how different has his “leaderhip” been to his predecessor’s? Examples?

    Republicans lose personality contests. Must be real tough for Donald Trump who was running mostly on personality. Hell most Republicans who support him do so because he’s just like them in terms of personality. It be can’t be in terms of ideas or policy since they aren’t politicians themselves.

    As for ideas, here are some GREAT ideas pushed and loved by Republicans, bulding a wall at the botder with Mexico, being eager for war in the middle east…again. Torturing captured terrorists because “it works and they deserve it”. Killing the families of suspected terrorists because “if terrorists can do that, why can’t we, we should be like them too”. Banning Muslims from coming into the country “for a while” because obviously they will be terroristy but only for that while. Tax cuts for the rich. Banning abortions with no exceptions, Legitimate Rape. “Religious” Discrimination (which they call “protection of Religious rights”) especially where LGBT and washrooms are concerned. Tax cuts for the rich, White Genocide through immigration actually being a thing, that Democrats are the real racists because the KKK was formed in the midst of the Democratic Party and that Republicans are the not-racists because Republican Lincoln freed slaves. Putting Creationism and the Bible into school curriculum. Putting the Bible in legislation of the Secular Nation of America. Calling said secular nation “A Christian Nation because the founders said so, Paul Revere riding to warn the British that the Rebels had guns and would not be afraid to use them if they tried to take them away like what Obama’s been doing for 7 years….

    Plenty more good ideas but no room for them all.

  • Callyson

    Step one: play on people’s hate and fear to gin up the base.

    Step two: back away and claim “both sides do it!” when sane people notice step one.

    Repeat as needed each election cycle.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    If only Clinton would stop saying “schlong” — or start, in the name of bipartisanship. I forget how this all works.

  • Joy

    Hmmm. I seem to remember the goal of making Obama a one term president the only thing Republicans tried to do in his first term. How’s that for bitterness?

    • The Witch of Endor

      It *should* be a glaringly obvious example of their incompetence. :)

      • Blank Ron

        But this time for sure! This year they guarantee he won’t be re-elected!

    • Courser

      And here we are, 8 years later. Long enough for it to become *abundantly* clear to anyone with critical thinking skills that the Liberal Way works! And Obama was only able to implement a fraction of the changes needed, (yes, we still have a long way to go, but hey, look where we are compared to where we were when he took office!!! And important conversations are happening!)

      This is why the Rethugs are front & center on the social issues – they can’t stand on the economic issues. It’s proven fact! Their grifting and thieving days are numbered, with Democrats looking good and riding high right now.

      1) VOTE! *Especially in the downticket races. If we can hold together, we can take the Senate and make important inroads in the House. And we have to do it again in 2018 for the midterms. Don’t let these craven shitstains back into Congress.

      2) Vote for your community leaders! For example: City Councils are full of conservative assholes (even if it’s so-called ‘non-partisan’) because only the conservatives pay attention. Start paying attention and getting representation at the local level.

  • YourNameHere

    Dear Mr. Ryan,

    Please keep your “healing” cock away from me.

    No Love, Me

  • WeaselPoo

    The important thing to remember is that Paul Ryan had absolutely nothing to do with the things he’s chastising everyone else for. It’s vital you remember that, Essential. Didn’t do that sort of thing. No siree!.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Yes, the GOP loses the “personality contest” in the same way your racist uncle loses the “etiquette contest” on Thanksgiving.

  • Jason Freeman

    Here’s a fucking thought for you Ryan: accept the fact that everyone has an obligation to promote the general welfare of the population by paying their fucking taxes. It is NOT incumbent on the middle class to pay for everything just so that the “job creators” can continue snorting coke off of hooker’s poop dispensers. We have had enough motherfucker. Got it?

    • cat cafe

      I mean it’s even right there in that pesky Constitution….. “for the General Welfare.”

      • Jason Freeman

        Right!!??? Fuuuuuuuuck these guys.

  • JMP

    Yeah, we need solutions – but how can someone who’s answer to everything is to just force the poor to either die of illness or starve to death going to be able to possibly provide them?

    • chicken thief

      There’s always a tax cut for corporations or the 1%. They never take that option off the table.

  • duckshoe

    The Office of the Speaker is pretty much dead center on the upper level of the west side of the capitol. Ryan can put his feet on the desk, look out at the Mall and the Washington monument, and sigh with satisfaction knowing that somewhere on the east side of town a child is going to bed hungry, because “hungry” is better than “dependent on government programs.” What really works, architecturally, is that he can’t see Lincoln glaring at him (the obelisk is in the way).

    • Courser

      It amuses me to think that Boehner’s ciggie smoke is still stinkin’ the place up. And Ryan *hates* it and it annoys him every fucking day, but goddamn it, it’s HIS office now!

      LOLOLOLOLOL

      • duckshoe

        There is an adjoinng balcony (referred to, with true Washingtonian originality, as “the Speaker’s balcony”) where he can step out for a breath of fresh air when the residual Boehnery gets too much. God forbid a leader of such perspicacity should slip off it, some winter evening.

  • Wednesday is Opposite Day!

  • chicken thief

    Well, at least he’s purdy, in an Eddie Munster kind of way.

    • Gregory Brown

      Definitely Eddie Munster.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I saw the ad and, swear to dog, thought it was an Onion parody.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “Both sides do it.”

    Pretty sure he is referring to the two ends (both sides) of his digestive tract, and how both produce waste.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    “I’ve not seen the kind of bitterness in our politics as I have today. And I’ve gotta say, I think it’s both sides and it’s not … you know, I’d love to say it’s just Democrats, but it’s not, it’s both.”
    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!!!
    Seriously, go fuck yourself you abysmal, two faced, granny starver, Eddie Munster look alike. You’re not going to get the nomination in 2020, Nikki Haley is, so fucking stop pretending you give a shit about anybody, other than the lobbyists you’ll be working for when your rabid base ousts you because you’re “too moderate.”

    • AlasAnAss

      You. I like how you do words.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Ryan has got my dander up, fo’ sure.

  • hvdv

    A few weeks ago I bought this awesome book. It cost $0.01 AND $3.00 in postage, but that’s okay because the USPS is awesome. Anyhoo. It was hilarious and also very very stoopid (yes, the kind that needs to be spelled with 2 “o”s). If you enjoy historical footnotes and schadenfreude, you’ll be sure to love this.

    • eliamias

      So that’s two down, one to go…

    • Gascoigne

      Could you tell me what is so “young” about douchebags in their 40s and 50s? You actually read this drivel? I salute you… you deserve a medal!

      • hvdv

        It’s delightful! Young? I dunno–I guess all of them have their own teeth? But I like a bit of surrealism in my life, so I enjoy vanity works like this. (Will accept medal!)

  • Paperless Tiger

    The problem with ‘both sides do it’ is that one side doesn’t do shit. Oh wait, they do write lots of public restroom laws, because that’s where they stay jerking off all the time rather than doing their job.

  • doggiedaddy

    Fuck This Guy

  • Iam Reading

    Hey Paul, glad I fucked your girlfriend

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