Has-been televangelist Jim Bakker is not having an easy time of it these days. God used to tell him the end times were right around the corner because of the Iran nuke deal, or at least tell him to wear black undies because the world might be ending, but God’s most recent messages seem a little more… opaque, perhaps:
I’d like you to pray, and say, “God, what should we do?” I believe it’s time to hear from God, and God has been speaking to me — I walked out of my garage yesterday and as I’m walking and things happened and when one of those, you might call them crazy things, but God said, “A major event is about to take place.” I mean, I knew that I knew that I knew. And every time God ever speaks to me like that, something happens.
I want YOU to pray, say “God, what should WE do?” And if God speaks to you, you need to write this number down, it’s toll free…
We were hoping maybe the idea was to call Bakker and let him know what it was God had in mind, this Event or Thing, or possibly a Happening, if that’s not too much a hippie term. If God’s simply phoning it in, maybe you can, too! Sadly, it turned out to be yet another pitch for Bakker’s terrible Survival Food Buckets, containing 154 freeze-dried meals for only $135, to help YOU survive the coming collapse of civilization, assuming the awful food doesn’t rob you of your will to live.
RightWing Watch points out that Bakker’s more specific prophetic messages, like his prediction that September 15, 2015 would be chock-full of calamities, turned out to be just plain old days. But this time, he can’t possibly be wrong, because it’s absolutely certain that a major event really will happen at some point in the future. So you need to get ready.
Jim Bakker is stuck in a television studio with a whole lot of silk flowers and buckets of survival food, and he needs to move some merch before the end times. “Don’t put it off,” he warns, still providing no clues as to the nature of the Thingy. “Don’t delay. One day, it will be too late!”
We have no doubt of that. Events will happen, and also things, and it is written that a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o’clock. Verily.
When that day comes, friend, won’t you wish you had some super-salty freeze-dried lumpy potato soup with a strange aftertaste? To help you survive the Whatever It Is? Also, you may want to remember a time when the world wasn’t all topsy turvy, with a fine coffee mug from Wonkette for you to drink up all the top-shelf booze you’ve had stored away for the Last Days. Joe Biden may not be in the Bible, but when the skies start raining frogs, blood, fire, and snot, won’t you be glad you have his face on a coffee mug as a reminder of the good times?