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Has-been televangelist Jim Bakker is not having an easy time of it these days. God used to tell him the end times were right around the corner because of the Iran nuke deal, or at least tell him to wear black undies because the world might be ending, but God’s most recent messages seem a little more… opaque, perhaps:

I’d like you to pray, and say, “God, what should we do?” I believe it’s time to hear from God, and God has been speaking to me — I walked out of my garage yesterday and as I’m walking and things happened and when one of those, you might call them crazy things, but God said, “A major event is about to take place.” I mean, I knew that I knew that I knew. And every time God ever speaks to me like that, something happens.

I want YOU to pray, say “God, what should WE do?” And if God speaks to you, you need to write this number down, it’s toll free…

We were hoping maybe the idea was to call Bakker and let him know what it was God had in mind, this Event or Thing, or possibly a Happening, if that’s not too much a hippie term. If God’s simply phoning it in, maybe you can, too! Sadly, it turned out to be yet another pitch for Bakker’s terrible Survival Food Buckets, containing 154 freeze-dried meals for only $135, to help YOU survive the coming collapse of civilization, assuming the awful food doesn’t rob you of your will to live.

RightWing Watch points out that Bakker’s more specific prophetic messages, like his prediction that September 15, 2015 would be chock-full of calamities, turned out to be just plain old days. But this time, he can’t possibly be wrong, because it’s absolutely certain that a major event really will happen at some point in the future. So you need to get ready.

Jim Bakker is stuck in a television studio with a whole lot of silk flowers and buckets of survival food, and he needs to move some merch before the end times. “Don’t put it off,” he warns, still providing no clues as to the nature of the Thingy. “Don’t delay. One day, it will be too late!”

We have no doubt of that. Events will happen, and also things, and it is written that a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o’clock. Verily.

When that day comes, friend, won’t you wish you had some super-salty freeze-dried lumpy potato soup with a strange aftertaste? To help you survive the Whatever It Is? Also, you may want to remember a time when the world wasn’t all topsy turvy, with a fine coffee mug from Wonkette for you to drink up all the top-shelf booze you’ve had stored away for the Last Days. Joe Biden may not be in the Bible, but when the skies start raining frogs, blood, fire, and snot, won’t you be glad you have his face on a coffee mug as a reminder of the good times?

[RightWingWatch]

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  • SnarkOff

    For when that Great Whatever Event happens, my survival kit includes nail polish, condoms, freeze dried baby kale, a box of Tic Tacs, and 100 gallons of tequila. Bring it.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      What are you going to do with the Kale? Wipe your stinky bits? Sure ain’t fit for eating. Condoms? Pfffttt. World needs repopulating like a Duggar after the great event.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Unplanned pregnancy in the apocalypse? You can have an abortion or just wait five minutes.

    • Little Lulu

      Mine too! And a poultice of creosote and Fels Naptha for whenever I run out of rouge.

  • Steven M. Harries

    O man . . . the salad days offered him so much money and such tight little boys . . .

  • Creepoman

    “I asked god for French vanilla creamer and got a giant box’o dildos instead.”
    – Ammon Bundy

    • MsAnthropesMr

      You occupy with the dildos you are given, not with the French Vanilla creamer you want.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Those are survival dildos. With them, you can make your own vanilla creamer.

      • Little Lulu

        “Survival dildos” – a growth industry.

        • IconDaemon

          In Camo or Stealth colors.

  • Erick the Kracker

    Truly inspired prose.
    “Events will happen, and also things, and it is written that a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o’clock. Verily.”

  • JMP
    • Anarchy Pony

      When that tornado struck that handgun factory.

  • Callyson

    “Oh, for fuck’s sake, how many times do I have to tell this asshole to shut the fuck up already?”

    – God

  • Look Closer

    Hey Wonkette! I want the Mt. Rushmore “The One” coffee mug! Please get some in stock. Please, please, please!

    • rebecca

      no no no, The One is the poorly designed Angel Obama. Rushmore is Mt. Rushmore. I do not think I am out of it?

      • MsAnthropesMr

        That sentence, out of context, sure makes you sound like you are. Out of it, that is.

      • Look Closer

        This is the mug I’m talking about. I want one!

  • Steven M. Harries

    I blame all this crazy Christianity shit on that asshole Jesus.

    • handyhippie65

      jeebus told me he has no idea who this guy is, and he wuz a hippie flower child, not some greedy conservaturd. giving away free wine, fish and bread, and stuff.

      • Steven M. Harries

        Jesus is still wondering who this Paul of Tsaurus pervert was.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        At least if you went to one of His teach-ins you got a Filet-o-fish sandwich. Better than the free vegatarian lunch with the Hare Krishnas.

        • handyhippie65

          vegetarian? i’m a solid carnatarian. we don’t need no stinkin’ vegables!

  • Arse Grammatica

    If no major event happens that would probably be a major event. Genius.

  • MrBlobfish

    Well, I’m convinced.

  • Mary Sandoras

    End Times version eleventy millionth.

    • If this apocalypse is anything like the last one, it won’t even merit taking a personal day.

      • Creepoman

        Still have a floating holiday I need to use though.

  • Shibusa

    I don’t have $135 to spend on a Survival Food Bucket.
    I guess it’s not the end of the world.

    • Creepoman

      As long as there’s no crab legs in the bucket, can you use an EBT card?

  • Steven M. Harries

    Jim Bakker? And who said ’80s culture sucked?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Between Jim Bakker and Sam Kinison, it was a golden age of comedic preachers.

      • Steven M. Harries

        I miss Sam. Didn’t appreciate that his screaming was a time-travel parody of Bill O’Reilly.

      • nightmoth

        We’ve still got Ernest (SMACK! Be healed!!!) Angley.

  • JMP

    “or possibly a Happening, if that’s not too much a hippie term”

    I thought it was more of a shitty movie term.

    • Anarchy Pony

      If you watch it as a comedy it’s fucking golden.

      • JMP

        Remember when Shyamalan was an actual promising director, before his obsession with having trick endings in every film turned him into a predictable hack?

        • Anarchy Pony
        • Mehmeisterjr

          I’m afraid that I saw the ending to The Sixth Sense coming a mile away. The only surprise for me was that he actually thought something that obvious (and already invented by Ambrose Bierce a century earlier) would be a surprise.

          • JMP

            I saw it coming, but had heard that it had a big twist, and so kept looking for it; I doubt I would have seen it coming had I not been trying to figure out the twist. While I figured out the twist from The Village from the trailers.

        • cynmac

          No. Was he ever more than a predictable hack? Don’t believe the hype.

    • bobbert

      There was a much earlier movie of the same name that was, I assure you, much worse. I think it involved Anthony Quinn.

  • Sadly, it turned out to be yet another pitch for Bakker’s terrible Survival Food Buckets, containing 154 freeze-dried meals for only $135, to help YOU survive the coming collapse of civilization, assuming the awful food doesn’t rob you of your will to live.

    I’ve picked up the Wasteland Survival perk. I’ll be perfectly fine eating mutant dogs, mirelurks, and brahmin, thank you very much.

  • Msmlg1979

    How can he show his face at all after the way he treated poor, sweet, batshit crazy Tammy Faye?!

  • Treg.Brown

    “I mean, I knew that I knew that I knew.”

    He doesn’t.

    • Msmlg1979

      We know that we know that we know he doesn’t.

      • Tallmutha

        The beauty of it is that he doesn’t know we know that we know he doesn’t.

      • Treg.Brown

        He makes me remember that somewhere, it’s beer O’ Clock.

        **CLINK**

        • Msmlg1979

          Cheers! If it’s the end, and this definitively proves it is, we should go out with a bang.

          • Treg.Brown

            You coquette!

          • Msmlg1979

            Moi?!

          • Treg.Brown

            In the best possible way :- )

          • Msmlg1979

            I might teach you a thing or two, young man! ;)

          • Treg.Brown

            You’ve already quite a bit, and I’m grateful for that. Also, too, I’ll take notes. :- )

          • Querolous

            I intend to go out with a bong.

          • Msmlg1979

            I like you.

        • onedollarjuana

          I drink Coors. **TINK**

          • Treg.Brown

            Always welcome…**TINK**

    • MrBlobfish

      I know.

      • Msmlg1979

        Do you, Mr. B? Do you?

        • MrBlobfish

          Blobfish knows all, sees all.

    • Creepoman

      Translation error: what he meant to say was “I knew that new gnu.”

    • chimichanga

      Actually I know that I know it’ll be a cold day in hell, say what was that number?

  • Jay Vaughn

    OT but where can I sign up to be one of those paid Hillary trolls? That sounds like a sweet ass gig.

    • JMP

      I’m still waiting for that monthly check from George Soros that all liberal internet commenters apparently are supposed to get.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Just keep watching your e-mail. There will be a big hire if she secures the nomination.

      • Jay Vaughn

        I upvoted that assuming you aren’t some crazy Berner. If this is not the case please ignore this message.

  • DerrickWildcat

    I am ready!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “I mean, I knew that I knew that I knew.” Knowledgception!

  • MsAnthropesMr

    That something is the occupation of bathrooms by transgendered people. Stock up on toilet paper now, folks.

    • frrolfe

      Freeze-dried, of course.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Hey, Christianists? Why so worried about dying? Don’t you wanna meet your god?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Why do they cry at funerals and not at airports? Same thing, right? See ya later?

  • cousin itt

    “A major event is about to take place.”

    Tammy Faye will rise from the dead (somewhat) and play Morticia Addams in the Broadway revival of “The Addams Family” co-starring Nathan Lane?

  • Hutch

    I preferred Jim’s “Hour of Glower” where he hawked the glorious 1980s prosperity gospel to these ads for freeze-dried end times glop. And where’s his mascara-streaked wife these days?

    • Mary Sandoras

      Tammy? She died of breast cancer, if my memory is still intact.

      • Hutch

        I didn’t know. Glad to hear her later life was better!

        • Cindyinencinitas

          I saw her once at an Angel’s game. Her makeup was toned down and she was sitting with a nice looking man. I was happy for her.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Her former TV producer I think. If I remember he treated her like crap.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            Poor thing. At least she had good seats. Like, second row mid-way down the third base line.

    • therblig

      “Despite her background in Christian fundamentalism, Tammy Faye became a gay icon after her parting from PTL, appearing in Gay Pride marches with such figures as Lady Bunny and Bruce Vilanch. Messner reached out to support gay Americans with HIV/AIDS when it was still a much feared and unknown disease. She was benevolently referred to as “the ultimate drag queen,”[15] and said in her last interview with Larry King that, “When I went — when we lost everything, it was the gay people that came to my rescue, and I will always love them for that.” – wikipedia

      she died in 2007, but apparently before that, she became a real christian.

      • cynmac

        She had a huge memorial service here in Atlanta. Her son was living here, running an outreach to the homeless teens called Revolution. Don’t google pictures from her last appearance on Larry King. She was in end stage from the cancer and weighed less than 90 pounds. It’s haunting, fer realz.

  • FlownOver

    Once more, for old Tammy’s times’ sake:

    And lo, there came unto them Philip called Punter. And he was Lilian Roth in his extremity. “Merrily, merrily,” he says unto them “say Merrily, merrily for I am come.” And he came, and he came unto the house of his mother’s brother’s servants saying “Where am I?” and there was nobody there, not even no one to say “Yea, nowhere but in the land of reversible cups and sanitary pedestals.” And he lay in that land a long time, like worms on a hot cheese log.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Now, let’s continue with our hymn, by order of PD.

  • Tallmutha

    Aw, shit. Well, if something’s going to happen, I’m gonna stay the fuck in bed.

    • FlownOver

      Noooo! That’s where it’s gonna happen!!!

      • A LITtle Annoyed, Yet ARoused

        Even more reason to stay in bed, if you know what I mean. Happy ending.

  • Lord, this guy again? I spent three years of my life covering him that I will never get back.

  • jviscont1

    I walk out of my garage and all I hear is a plaintive Wash Me in a Japanese accent.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      I owned a 2012 Fiat. It was totalled last year after 100k miles. I never, ever, ever, washed it. I was proud of the filth.

      • jviscont1

        Good choice. You expose a Fiat to water and the rust out time is about 30 minutes.

        • MsAnthropesMr

          HEY! We bought another one after that one was totalled. An Abarth. Sounds like a mini Lamborghini.

          • jviscont1

            Dolce vita!

  • Spotts1701

    “A major event is about to take place.”
    I guess I should clear my calendar for the rest of the year then.

  • spends2much

    The homeless guy who tells fortunes for quarters in downtown Toronto coughs up more specifics than Jim Bakker. Then again, he’s just down on his luck, not Griftin’ for God.

  • Tallmutha

    This is what I have to say to Jim Bakker:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mm-ps1Edxhg

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Neat!

    • That’s some nifty sleight of man.

  • stankbait

    When God spoke to me it was in I think French. I did not understand a single word he said.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Did you help him drink his wine?

      • Querolous

        He always had some mighty fine wine.

    • Steven M. Harries

      Mon Dieu! Merde!

    • guppy06

      The Anti-Pope was right!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Try using Godgle Translate.

  • Steven M. Harries

    Why aren’t we talking about Trump’s racist KKK butler his weird-looking daughter that’s being pimped above?

  • cousin itt

    “And if God speaks to you, you need to write this number down, it’s toll free…1-666-EAT-SHIT-JIM”

  • MizzMazz

    Sigh. I miss the old days when he would get Tammy Faye to cry on air while begging for money. I also miss my t shirt that was smeared with makeup and false eyelashes that read, “I ran into Tammy at the Mall”.

    • nightmoth

      Me, too. My mom and I used to wait for the moment when the mascara started running. Then mom would exclaim, “They’re a disgrace!!” and we’d find a different comedy show. We kinda liked Tammy, though: she seemed dumb but sweet, and we thought maybe she was getting conned, too.

      • MizzMazz

        Yeah, back in those days when we didn’t have the internet to amuse us, it was preacher shows like those, and phone sex ads that gave us the yucks, The preaching for dollars crowd isn’t really funny anymore, is it?

        • nightmoth

          No, because even they have become more sophisticated. I miss the really big hair and the flouncy dresses on the church ladies.
          And the preachers who did that gasping for breath thing: “And Gawd said–HUH!”

          • MizzMazz

            I miss guys like Ernest Angley (sp?) and the other ‘healing’ dudes who would smack their own heads, or go POW to the TV screen, and claim, “Yer Healed, by the power of Christ!” and all that bullshit. Now it’s just straight forward hate, like you say. They are grasping at straws, as their god of the gaps gets squeezed out.

  • Mary Sandoras

    Shall I build an ark, or remain in my bunker? Inquiring minds need to know, that I know, that I know.

    • Odd Jørgensen

      Remain in your bunk. maybe browsing some hamster sites, unless you`re in N.C. that is.

      • WIDTAP

        Mary has an aardvark in her bunk with her? Who knew?

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    I’ll see his prophesy and raise him one. I predict that some life changing thing will happen to someone TODAY. Maybe before dark!

    • WIDTAP

      …and it will be their DEATH! Don’t say they weren’t warned.

  • Odd Jørgensen

    Are the good folks over at the IRS really falling for that $600 “donation” or more bullshit? It`s clearly selling his shit food, not giving it away.

  • timpundit

    God shut the door on Jim a long time ago but He forgot about the windows.

    • whyieverdidit

      And then Jim rent his clothes and then raised the rent, but refused to paint. And the Lord slew a tenth of Jim’s kine, and Jim cried out unto the Lord, “Why dost thou slay my kine? Kine are hard to come by these days, and I’m not even sure what kine are!”

      • timpundit

        Without feathers was my first WA book and I still love it!

  • Scooby

    I’m guessing anurism?

    • geoffalnutt

      Is that a new religion, Anurism? I can’t keep up! Would that make one an Anurist.

      • Bitter Scribe

        Is it related to animalism? Or maybe analism?

        • nmmagyar

          Jews get Friday night, Analists get Saturday

  • Creepoman

    If I were the kind of person that believed in a higher power (other than FSM, who is totes benevolent and for sure real), I’d hope that she has a really wicked sense of humor and zero tolerance for BS artists that use her to scam and manipulate others. However she chooses to exact revenge, I’m sure it straps on firmly and is studded with chrome spikes.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I’d get a Wonkette coffee mug, but – no joke – I’m still using the one I picked up at Jim and Tammy Bakker’s Heritage U.S.A. more than a quarter of a century ago.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Why were they selling Wonkette mugs?

      • WIDTAP

        Ana Marie Cox. She has some, uh, unconventional revenue sources.

        • nmmagyar

          Aside from the dungeon she ran*? *(allegedly)

      • doktorzoom

        And how’s that elephant get into your pajamas?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          That’s not an elephant – I’m just glad to see you.

  • DerrickWildcat

    These types of people would resort to cannibalism after 3 hours.

    • nmmagyar

      …even with a pocket full of granola bars

      • guppy06

        Granola is granola, but bacon from “long pig” is still bacon.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Gives a new meaning to Ginger or Mary Ann…

  • Gleem-McShinez

    If you plan on sitting in a basement eating Jim Bakker’s goop after an apocalypse, you are probably the reason it happened.

    • guppy06

      That reminds me: any news from the Bundy Bunch today?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    154 freeze-dried meals for $135 isn’t bad, actually – assuming they’re better than your basic can of cat food.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      A reckless assumption.

      • onedollarjuana

        More protein in the cat food. Hold ya all morning.

    • doktorzoom

      I linked to the NPR article, didn’t I? you’d do better with the cat food.

  • TheBidenator

    Can’t we all just agree that anyone who honestly thinks god tells them things is a nut who should be analyzed and studied?

    • nmmagyar

      Medicated and locked up also works for me

  • Mary Sandoras

    Not to long ago, hearing the voice of god was considered an auditory hallucination.

    • Treg.Brown

      Thankfully, it still is by rational people.

    • guppy06

      I’m personally OK with people hearing God talk to them depending on what He’s saying. “God told me to tell you to take care of widows and orphans,” sure, but “God told me to tell you to give me all the munniez?” Not so much.

  • The Doctor: You want me to volunteer, is that it? And if I don’t?
    White Guardian: Nothing.
    The Doctor: You mean nothing’ll happen to me?
    White Guardian: Nothing. Ever.

  • DerrickWildcat

    The Jim Bakker Show is in need of a Dishwasher and Line Cook.
    https://jimbakkershow.applicantpro.com/jobs/

    • guppy06

      It’s actually one and the same job. God doesn’t believe in county health regulations.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    I got a flat tire this morning. That could be what God was talking about.

    http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/ed-glosser-trivial-psychic/n10314

    • Yer gonna get.
      An.
      Ice cream headache.
      It’s gonna hurt.
      Real bad.
      Right here.
      For, like, ten, fifteen seconds, tops.

  • GoutMachine

    OMG, he was RIGHT! I was just driving down the road, minding my own business, whistlin’ a jaunty tune, when all of a sudden IT HAPPENED. How silly I was. It. Happened. Things. Shit. I was so naive.

  • Jennifer R

    I know I am scared shirtless of the whatevering.

  • Mimihaha

    I know what the thing is God was telling him about. It’s all of these awful people who haven’t been famous for a very long time coming out of the woodwork to tell us shit we don’t want to hear.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Event or Thing, or possibly a Happening

    Or if you are really lucky, a Flash Forward.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Personally, if God had allowed me to go to prison for fraud without giving me a single word of warning, I would probably stop depending on Him for predictions.

  • Ranina

    God’s been playing a lot of pranks lately on those who get personal messages from him. Just ask Ted Cruz’s Daddy.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You can’t expect to be The Chosen One in only four years. It could take eight or twelve or sixteen or twenty years, just like slavery.

      • Ranina

        Too bad God neglected to inform them of the contingencies.

  • Belasaurius

    is God trolling Jim? I sure hope so.

    • guppy06

      Never read the Old Testament? God trolls everyone. I’m thinking El was actually the proto-Semitic trickster god.

  • Iam Reading

    Meh. He’s such a loser, what impact could my snark have at this point?

  • Mimihaha

    How do we even know that’s Jim Bakker?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Too bad it wasn’t Swaggart. I could have had an FZ hat trick

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Let’s call this an assist: This one’s about Tammy: “There’s a nugly little weasel ’bout three foot high…”
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-79uI_u9Src

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        No Lonesome Cowboy Jim, but close enough. The judges will allow it

        • JustDon’tSayDittos

          I forgot about that one! Maybe because it was by The Greatest Band You Never Heard In Your Life?

  • Incoming Ham
  • wandajayne

    Does Jim’s advice come with a side o’ tators?

  • Nockular cavity

    “I have received a message from Uranus.”

    • Incoming Ham

      I would imagine it was an uncomfortable transmission.

    • guppy06

      But it only lasted for a second?

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        You wish! It went on and on and on! Woulda been a great blue-flamer!

  • SterWonk

    All of the upfists for the subtitle!

    • doktorzoom

      Now go outside, turn around three times, and spit. And curse.

      • SterWonk

        S4, E7: Election Night

        Toby: We haven’t won anything yet.
        C. J.: The speech is done.
        Toby: Two speeches are done.
        C. J.: What’s the second?
        Toby: I’ve got a speech if he wins; I’ve got a speech if he doesn’t.
        Sam: You wrote a concession?
        Toby: Of course I wrote a concession. What do you — You wanna tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?!
        Sam: No.
        Toby: Then go outside, turn around three times, and spit. What the hell’s the matter with you?
        Sam: It’s like 25 degrees outside.
        Toby: Go!

        Sam: He wrote a concession speech.
        Josh: Of course he wrote a concession speech; why wouldn’t he. What possible reason would he have for not writing a concession speech?
        Sam: The wrath from high atop the thing?
        Toby: He up and said we were gonna…
        Josh: No, you gotta go outside, turn around three times, and curse!
        Toby: Spit.
        Josh: Spit and curse!
        Toby: Do everything!
        Josh and Toby: Go!

        Different episode, but similar sentiment: S1, E18: Six Meetings Before Lunch

        Toby: These things take patience. These things take skill. These things take luck. In the fifteen months we’ve been in office, what kind of luck have we had, Ginger?
        Ginger: Bad luck.
        Toby: <Clears throat> What kind of luck?
        Ginger: Very bad luck.
        Toby: We’ve had very bad luck.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    If I had to bet money on it, I’d say the major event is the GOP Convention. It doesn’t take a message from god to know that is going to be The End Times for some people.

    • Lark_in_the_AM

      We could use a good apocalypse up here on the North Coast, but I doubt it will be as much fun as the one we had when the Avengers movie was shooting. Ain’t no one on the GOP roster as cool as Tom Hiddleston.

      • cynmac

        Chris Helmsworth Libelz!!!!1!

  • Rick Hill

    “And if God speaks to you, you need to write this number down, it’s toll free…”
    So gawd is operating like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? How many more lifelines does Jim need?

  • WeaselPoo

    So should I or shouldn’t I organize my collection of raffia-work?

  • Lark_in_the_AM

    Once a grifter, always a grifter. Too bad Tammy Faye isn’t around to cry big ol’ mascara tears to convince the old dears who are still watching this has-been con to send him sweet, sweet cash monies.

  • WeaselPoo

    Wait a sec!! Random vague declarations are Magic 8-Ball’s thing—unless Magic 8-Ball is actually God!!! I just blew my mind!!!!

    • Blank Ron

      ‘Magic 8-Ball, are you God?’
      ‘Reply hazy, ask again later.’

  • Sardonicuss

    “When that day comes, friend, won’t you wish you had some super-salty freeze-dried lumpy potato soup with a strange aftertaste?”
    “…….and it is said, there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth (gnash gnash) and there were many great explosions of diarrhea throughout the land, accompanied by much vomiting and no small amount of e coli and hepatitis.
    And the lord did smile and hold his nose a bit. Amen.

  • guppy06

    God used to tell him the end times were right around the corner because of the Iran nuke deal, or at least tell him to wear black undies because the world might be ending

    Pro-tip: it’s white undies that reflect heat away rather than absorb it, meaning it will take you a fraction of a second longer to incinerate in a nuclear blast.

  • Lark_in_the_AM

    Jim Bakker is stuck in a television studio with a whole lot of silk flowers and buckets of survival food

    Did they send someone to raid the dumpster at the back of the local Hobby Lobby?

    • cynmac

      I was thinking taking the flowers from a local graveyard after a funeral.

  • Nostradamus Quattrain CXLIV:
    The Bakker of Lies in The New World,
    Two-Faced, Steep’d in Sin,
    Shall marry a Muppet, know scandal, go bald,
    and one day, totes phone it in.
    I mean–damn, guy. A little effort wouldn’t kill you. I’m working with a quill pen here, and…I dunno. I guess I want it more.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Nostradamus saying “totes” made me spew coffee through my nose, damn you!

  • guppy06

    the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their
    fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about
    eight o’clock. Verily.

    Dok, God told me that The Event is just another one of your senior moments.

    • Sardonicuss

      One of my favorite Pythonogys. Kudos to dok for remembering. Its a pretty deep cut.

  • FauxAntocles

    Hmm, something leading to Armageddon… hmm…
    OMG, Trump’s going to win!!

  • Oneofthebobs

    I knew that I knew that I knew known unknowns, unknown unknowns,and known knowns.

  • MAZS

    I miss Tammy. Every reality TV star is indebted to her.

  • Paul

    Reminds me of another prescient genius, George Carlin’s “Hippy Dippy Weatherman”.

    Puts this piker to shame with far more specific predictions, including “Dark tonight with increasing sunlight towards morning.”

    He originally did this in 1966 on Johnny Carson, so although it may seem tame by today’s standards it was edgy then.

    2 min. clip: https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=hippy+dippy+weatherman+george+carlin&view=detail&mid=383B825F0EB002A3B6BB383B825F0EB002A3B6BB&FORM=VIRE

    • SeeTrain65

      “The radar is also picking up a squadron of Russian ICBMs … so I wouldn’t sweat the thunder showers.”

      – St. George of Morningside Heights

      • Paul

        Ain’t he great? PBUH.

  • Sardonicuss

    Last night, after tiring of spending an hour trying to find something to spend an hour watching on Netflix: I re-watched “Religulous”.
    Jim and Tammy were there of course, but my fave was always Robert Tilton?. For so many years, I referred to him as “shamalamalama ptang” , that I had almost forgot how entertaining his tongue speaking could be.
    The eighties seemed like a long blurry reel of these clowns flaming out one after another.
    A dementia patient for a President, and 24 hour god-bothering hucksters on the t.v. Good times.

    • cynmac

      There was a sales rep that I worked with in the 80’s who, once he gave up drinking, starting following Ernst Angley like a Deadhead. In those days, Ernst implored his teevee audience to “put their hands on the teevee screen and feel the power of the Lawd.” He has since gone on to declare that prayer can cure AIDS (which got him in trouble in South Africa, of all places) and the mundane RWNJ sex scandals.

      • Sardonicuss

        The worst ones are the healers. Even after they are publicly de-bunked and humiliated….they just come back and keep bilking the poor sick rubes.

        • Zhu Bajie

          Well, if you’re desperate ….

          • ahughes798

            That’s what makes it so sad and sick. These poor folks are usually folks who ARE poor, and desperate for help. And these preacher assholes feed off their misery like remoras. It’s enraging, also, too.

      • ahughes798

        I “love” Ernst Angley! He’s so entertainingly madder than a shit-house rat. I can’t find him on any station near here, but I wish I could!

        • cynmac

          It’s the 21st century – he’s streaming! https://www.ernestangley.org/watch/eah

          • ahughes798

            Wow! What a dumb ass I am! I never even thought the coot would think of using the internet, which is a tool of the devil. Thank You!

          • cynmac

            He has younger grifters helping him out ~ I am sure of it!

    • Little Lulu

      So glad they were recorded, though:

      http://youtu.be/5oqcG1Ws5FE

    • MizzMazz

      But we had the Dead Kennedys:

      https://youtu.be/btPuTlCYiSo

  • Ryan Denniston

    “But this time, he can’t possibly be wrong, because it’s absolutely certain that a major event really will happen at some point in the future. So you need to get ready.”

    Isn’t the Earth supposed to BE SWALLOWED WHOLE when the sun goes nova? Like, in 5 billion years?

    Seriously, at least Pat Robertson is mildly entertaining, when his staff play such pranks on him, like when he read a question from a viewer named “Viewer.”

    http://wonkette.com/592958/breaking-televangelist-scamster-pat-robertson-has-never-actually-read-the-bible

    • Hardly Ideal

      5-10 billion years, I think. And I’ve heard that the sun’s mass won’t actually touch the earth, but there’s always the chance it will burn into gas as it comes into contact with the sun’s atmosphere.

      • kareemachan

        Huh. Jimmy’s late to the table. Read ‘The House on the Borderland’ to hear all about this!

      • proudgrampa
  • melina1222

    The UK’s Daily Mail shared details of some Bakker’s products in 2014.

    ” And their big push right now is on survival products, which Bakker calls ‘Love Gifts.’

    Among the offerings are the Time of Trouble Beans Offer, consisting of 14 totes full of black bean burger mix for $3,000; Bakker’s Dozen Extreme Canteen Kit, including 13 packs of ponchos, thermal blankets, glow stick and whistles for $500; and his Survival Food Brick Monthly Club with 90 servings of food for $50 per month.”

    • OrdinaryJoe

      3 meals a day for $50. That’s even better than Jesus did with the loaves and fishes thing.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        You’re assuming the food is edible.

    • CynicalOptimist

      Meanwhile, his son tarnished the family reputation by doing Actually Authentic Christiany things like ministering to homeless, drug addicts, etc.Gues ya can’t win ’em all.

    • Blank Ron

      I can see why you’d want the glow sticks – never know when a rave will break out right in the middle of your desperate fight for survival.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Watch out for that Time of Trouble Beans Offer – it’s appropriately named.

  • Jgb979

    It’s actually kind of amazing he’s still allowed to grift, considering he was a charter member of the prosperity gospel preachers are probably sleazy moochers club.

    This was from a mid-80’s SNL fercrissakes, where both performers have already passed away (RIP)
    http://www.nbc.com/sites/nbcunbc/files/files/images/2015/4/25/140207_2723254_Church_Chat_anvver_3.jpg

    On the other hand, he was responsible for the now completely abandoned Jesusland amusement park so he’s got that going for him.

    http://io9.gizmodo.com/5882369/jim-bakkers-christian-amusement-park-is-now-a-post-apocalyptic-ghost-town

    • Villago Delenda Est

      One of the drawbacks of the 1st Amendment is that it basically tosses a lot of grifting into the dubious protection of “freedom of religion”. One has to commit outright fraud, such as promising a specific result in exchange for payment, so one has to really be blatant to draw the attention of authorities.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      I knew about Phil’s murder but had no idea Jan had died. I loved the lounge singers!

  • witsended

    Not interested this was much better. Zika virus and bonus rice and sliced spuds for your $600.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3w8PBHcxAK4

    • kareemachan

      Kill with death? Wut?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        100% effective!

  • cynmac

    He should have stayed with Tammy Faye. She was his good luck charm.

  • Geez, I still 132 packs of Bakker Food left over form the last Ultimate We’re Real Serious This Time Global Catastrophe.

    I guess my question is if the True Believers are gonna get their naked asses raptured right up to Heaven when Godzilla, The King of Monsters The Apocalypse strikes why would they need 135 bucks worth of yeechy freeze dried food?

  • beatbort

    Jim, I asked God “what should we do?” and He told me to tell you, and I quote:
    Shut your pie hole.

  • Skadi

    This reminds me of one of the Slacktivist’s Left Behind posts. He points out that passages like “no man can know the day or the hour” or “there shall be two working together, and one shall be taken and the other left” feel like less of a prophecy of some future apocalypse and more of a matter-of-fact description of what life is like right now.

    Every moment, someone’s life is ending and someone else’s is beginning. Someone is making a decision that will affect thousands or millions of people eventually. Someone is committing an act of dreadful violence, someone else is creating an important work of art…

    …Seriously, if someone predicted a time in which no major events would happen, that would be a lot more shocking.

    • CynicalOptimist

      Yep, usually them prophets are sooo specific, and remember the rules, to be a REAL one, you gotta never be wrong…

      • Skadi

        Well, that leads to the other point Slacktivist often makes–the confusion of “prophet” with “oracle”. Traditionally, “prophet” didn’t mean a fortuneteller but someone who spoke with great moral authority, which people in ancient times assumed reflected the will of a god. Prophets didn’t see the future; instead, they saw the here-and-now with clarity, and spoke truths everyone else was afraid to.

        No one’s sure why this changed, but I suspect it was because it was easier and safer to make vague predictions about the future while claiming the ancient authority of the prophet than to continue the tradition of calling out the fat cats to their faces.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Oh, the true believers find a way to ignore the wrong prophecies — Jesus himself famously prophesized that his present generation would not all have perished before he returned. Isaiah, I think, also prophesized that the Nile would dry up completely, which it never has, despite some 1700 years having passed.

        Real Christians don’t trouble themselves with such things, but accept the first explanation that comes along.

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          The first explanation that supports what they WANT to believe, that is.

    • SterWonk

      … One could scarcely worry about riots any more than one could about volcanic eruptions when both were constants on inhabited worlds. Rather, if a day should come in which not one riot was reported anywhere, that might be a sign of something so unusual as to warrant the gravest concern.

      Forward the Foundation, Issac Asimov

  • Spurning Beer

    And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment…at this time, a friend shall lose his friends’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock…

    • mailman27

      And forgetteth about the fucking stapler.

    • doktorzoom

      I follow the shoe.

    • SeeTrain65

      “For the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. … Nine-bladed! … Not two, or five, or seven, but nine! … Which he will wield on all wretched sinners! … Sinners just like you, sir, there!

  • harryr

    I like Billy Connolly’s riff on this – “Knock on the door of any lunatic asylum in the world and tell them that God is speaking to you. They won’t even let you home to fetch your pajamas”

    • SayItWithWookies

      He should’ve added “except in the US.”

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      “Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?”-Lily Tomlin

  • snark-lurker

    Ya but hay you know what guys? Weather’s ben so strange we gettin scared, thinkin maybe some terrible awful storms, Yooge storms! might come & kill hole bunches of us &&& life will get really really hard for evry buddy else of us too. :(

    • Jukesgrrl

      Imagine the horror when all but a few bathrooms are destroyed!!1!

  • kareemachan

    I’ll go with the coffee mug!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      I’ll take “Plagues” for $200, Alex.

  • Zhu Bajie

    Jim, why don’t you just flip through your Bible with your eyes closed and let your finger land on a random passage? That’s the usual oracle.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Oracle or orifice?

  • VforVirginia

    So, wait. You’re one of The Saved, right? Why are you hanging around after Armageggon, or does the rapture come exactly 1,592 servings of food later?

    You’d think the deity would be taking care of the chosen. I haven’t read every word of Revelation (it’s some crazy shit!), but I don’t think there’s anything in there about stashing dehydrated water tablets and Alpo.

    I’m with Gandhi: I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. So unlike Christ, these Christians …

  • Peripatetic Poltroon

    Pshaw. These guys have been predicting “something” for years. Nothing, nothing ever happens. Just like heaven.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Five billion years from now, the Sun will expand and consume the Earth – and these shitmuffins will still be around, saying, “I told you so!”

  • vivian

    This is clear, incontrovertible evidence that if God exists in the form most people imagine, and Jim Bakker is still allowed to show his face to the public, much less shill Freeze-Dried Prom-Vomit for the End Times, then said God must either not be paying attention or possessed of a sense of humor so dark black holes envy Him.

  • willi0000000

    *whisper* we’ve secretly substituted lube for Jim’s survival food . . . do you think he’ll notice?

    • *whisper* Jim and his assistant are looking puzzled at the food…and wait…the assistant is giving Jim a knowing smile…they’re walking behind the curtain while disrob…

      Errr, we’ll be right back after this station break.

  • Playonwords

    He’s seen the headlines about the San Andreas being “Locked and Loaded” but doesn’t want to commit himself – and I firmly believe that Mr Bakker should be committed

  • Delu

    I predict tha Jim Bakker will eventually die someday.

    …..it’s gonna happen!

    • Don’t hold your breath…these fuckers hang on forever.

      • Zhu Bajie

        Tammy Faye has gone to her reward. Remember, “it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living G0d.”

  • geoffalnutt

    I knew it!!! Something will happen somewhere someday! Well, my cupboards are stocked with canned goods…down in the bunker.

  • Zhu Bajie

    I used to listen to a radio evangelist, Brother Stair. He filled the AM clear channel stations and the Short Wave band, telling us that Jesus was coming back soon, and that there was no more salvation! He didn’t beg for money much. Research showed me that he lured selected fools to come live on his “farm”, give him all their property, then leave after a year or two of being screwed over, often literally. (He spoke in tongues and told the sisters “take your dress off! G0d wants us to do it!”) He didn’t screen callers very well, so you could call up, curse him, argue about dinosaurs, and (for a real explosion of rage), tell him he was not rightly dividing the Word of Truth.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      You *used* to listen? And you *stopped* listening? You’re going to hell for sure!

      • Zhu Bajie

        According to Stair, I’m destined for Hell, anyway. Only about 1000 Americans are saved. I pissed him off by telling him that he was inspired the same way that Balaam’s ass was inspired.

        Anyway, 20 years was enough, somehow. But if you’re curious: http://www.overcomerministry.org/

        He is the single craziest preacher in the USA, in spite of all the competition.

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          I just love these “Christians” who think that Heaven is some exclusive, discriminating, country club that only *certain* members get into.

        • harryeagar

          Stair’s last “word of the day” was April 17, sl the Big Event Bakker is talking about may already have happened.

  • Donald E Niman

    “I spew what I spew that I spew.”

    STFU!

  • Donald E Niman

    Jim Bakker, the modern day Nostradumbass.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Good one!!

  • Be Gin

    This guy used to be a millionaire with a hair piece, an enabling wife, plenty of media coverage, a theme park and an army of adoring acolytes.

    Now look at him. Watch out Donald! When Karma forecloses on you it is a BITCH!

    • Courser

      He’s that Jim Bakker? I was wondering… Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

      Excuse me while I laugh until I puke over here.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      But you’re forgetting all the millions he had to pay for Tammy’s makeup. And trowels to apply said makeup.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    You dipping your pen in the company ink again, Jimmy boy?

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      He drinks the shit!

      • Markuserektus

        Prolly why he’s so blue…

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Hey, now that I think about it… where is Powdered Toast Man?

    He’s been missing since around the time of Jim Bakker’s scandals…
    And now, what’s Jim Bakker selling?! POWDERED FOODS

    CONNECT THE FREEZE DRIED DOTS SHEEPLE!!!

  • CATMAN

    Aren’t the people to whom god talks to directly usually diagnosed as schizophrenic?

    • Zhu Bajie

      No, it’s when G0d answers.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    Does a healthy shit count as a “Major Event”? No? Well, what about an erection lasting longer than four hours?

    • Ricky Gay

      Four hours??!! Look for a burning bush!

      • Markuserektus

        Arbusto combusto?

        • Ricky Gay

          si! Viva Viagra.

  • Me not sure

    I had a major event this morning right after I had my coffee. Thanks, Jim!

  • Vegan and Tiara

    “I mean, I knew that I knew that I knew.”
    I like vodka for breakfast too!

    • Markuserektus

      It’s just those pesky unknown unknowns that’s so bothersome.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        I have vodka for breakfast so that I don’t have to worry about things known, AND unknown. Vodka’s kind of all purpose breakfast food.

        • Markuserektus

          Yes, and a few drops of vodka and a teaspoon of sugar added to your vases will keep your flowers fresh longer.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Why waste it on the flowers? They’ll get water, and they’ll like it!

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            When they get to be 21, they can have vodka.

    • kaw143

      Wait. There are other options for breakfast other than vodka?

      You must live in one of them really STRANGE parts of the country.

      • Zhu Bajie

        Baijiu

      • Vegan and Tiara

        It’s called “The Deep Dirty South” and it is pretty fucking strange.

    • cat cafe

      And here I am with my Bailey’s and Lucky Charms.

  • Kavefish

    Protip: If the sky is raining snot, it’s a clear sign to store all your glassware upside down.

  • Malachi Elijahman

    I HAVE BEEN CONTACTING YOU FOR YEARS, JIM BAKKER, AND YOU HAVE BEEN IGNORING ME FOR YEARS. http://www.firehotnews.com/ GOD IS NOW RESTRAINING EVIL TO PROLONG TIME NEEDED FOR A WORLDWIDE SPIRITUAL REVIVAL AND YOUR PRIORITIES ARE NOT COMPATIBLE WITH HIS DIVINE PLANS. JIGROP

    • mailman27

      JIGROP…. Jesus Is Grabbing Reams Of Paper? Jesus Is Grifting Real Old People? Jerkoffs In Grasping Reach Of Penis? What?

      • Duke

        “It’s a secret so keep guessing.”

    • doktorzoom

      Could be performance art or Deep Trolling, or could be completely unhinged fundie. Banned either way. Impressive!

      http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/6f/6f60c548df4f7fda5e8f28e6cd33a416d49bc7c6909bd556fc2508332a67bdf9.jpg

      • SeeTrain65

        When in doubt, flag.

      • CripesAmighty

        And if you flop around the muck behind the link; Yeeesssss, the next prophet of the whatever, brought by the great whoozits is none other than, guessed yet?…Donald Dump.

      • CripesAmighty

        After tripping down his history, I vote #3.

      • masked mumbler

        James Reesor is no troll, there have even been wonkette articles about him http://wonkette.com/416901/crazy-man-james-is-heating-up-basil-marceauxs-gubernatorial-race. He has a dozen books, sells terrible outsider art and uploaded 100s of youtube videos that pretty much no one has seen. Reminds me of delving through heaven’s gate website. If you have the stomach to sift through all the insanity, his sites and videos tell the sad story of a lonely old man with one hell of a god-complex.

        • therblig

          worst.pokemon.ever.

      • VirginiaLady

        Umm, I think you banned God. He’s known for being a bit squirrely. You know, burning bush, pillar of salt, and all that other oddly omnipotent stuff. Posting here would be one of the more sane things he has done.

        • TheBoatDude

          I thought God was James Mason…

          • AlasAnAss

            Or at least a cut rate James Mason

          • jmk

            That’s what Eddie Izzard told me.

  • TheBoatDude

    I thought he died…was it Tammy Faye, then?

    • Markuserektus

      I think she od’d on mascara.

  • zerosumgame0005

    I believe “god” prefers to go by Chuck ( who all Supernatural fans KNEW he was really god)!

    • YourNameHere

      It’s true!

  • dshwa

    “written that a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o’clock. Verily.”

    Sigh. I miss Sir Pterry

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    When did Don Cherry get a gig in The States?

  • malsperanza

    I thought once you lost your thick mane of bouffant chestnut hair, you were automatically ejected from the Benevolent Brotherhood of Televangelists. How come this guy is still around? He can’t even spell Baker right.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    …God said, “A major event is about to take place.”

    My God, he’s right!

    • Relativicus

      This is a very helpful list instructing me as to where in Scandinavia I don’t want to be on those particular dates. Very helpful. I just gave you top marks on TripAdvisor.

  • Arnnmann

    God speaks, shit happens, who can explain it?

    Send all your cash.

  • CripesAmighty

    Somehow, I thought that part of the sentencing agreement that landed Bakker in the federal sneezer for griftting little old ladies with phantom Jeezus condos, was that he wasn’t supposed to run teevee collection plate rackets anymore.

    • HorseChestnut

      America’s memory stretches back to about 1996.

    • MOG253

      Now he has an actual “product” to sell. Guess that makes it okay.

  • NoGoodnik

    I don’t know about the rest of you, but I keep putting booze in my survive-the-end-of-times survival kit, and it keeps disappearing! Maybe god is trying to tell me something.

    • Logic of Color

      Nah, that’s just God accepting your offering

      • NoGoodnik

        Maybe that’s right, because I seem to be getting a lot of blessings… well, drunk a lot.

  • NoGoodnik

    Here’s how gullible I am: I saw the picture with the $600.00 1 year food for you + meals multiplier thing, and I thought, “Boy that is a great service for older adults, especially those who rely on Meals-on-Wheels.” And then, when he said you could call, I was disappointed that Wonkette hadn’t run the number because I was going to call with the thing that god said to me!

    Now that I know it is all a grifty scheme to bilk older adults out of their social security checks and deny them food, rent, utilities, and entertainment, I’m a little depressed.

  • Relativicus

    Well, the NBA Finals are coming up. Then there’s the Olympics. There’s still the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes left to run. The Daytona and Indianapolis 500seses. Ummm, they’re having July 4th again this year, that’s pretty big. … Ooo, the premiere of “Preacher” comes a week from Sunday, but that’s probably not it. But it is sorta about religion so maybe! What else, what else…? State Fairs! And festival season is kicking into gear, though that would only be big if considered collectively. Burning Man? Um, oh! The conventions! They’ll be big [shitting messes]. And… And… It’s right on the tip of my tongue … maybe some new specialty vodka designed to lighten the wallets of wealthy rubes will probably be released sometime soon? I’m starting to run out here, but there must be something, dammit! KHAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!

    • Oblios_Cap

      The Summer Olympics are being held in the winter this year (at least as far as Rio is concerned, what with it being in the Southern Hemisphere). If that’s not a sign of End Times, I don’t know what is.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        The Russians being called out on their cheating – THAT is end-times stuff.

        • harryeagar

          With Russian athletes, the question of which bathroom to use is often a tipoff

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I heard about some election thing in November. That might be important – has anybody checked into it?

  • AnOuthouse

    Heaven requires a dish to pass? Is it BYOB too?

  • mardam422

    So, do you wear black underwear to the end of the world so that God can’t see that you shit your pants before you got there? Wondering.

  • mardam422

    “I walked out of my garage yesterday and
    as I’m walking and things happened and when one of those, you might call
    them crazy things,….
    Should have stayed in the garage. Nothing ever happens in the garage.

  • mardam422

    I mean, I knew that I knew that I knew.
    There are known knowns, there are unknown knowns, there are known unknowns, and there are unknown unknowns. But he knows that he knows that he knows.
    My fucking God.

  • YourNameHere

    Maybe if it was Mountain House but that’s still too full of salt.

  • Robert Leapley

    Wonder if God talked to him in prison and had to use the telephone and plexiglass cubicle.

  • Politics_Nerd

    More proof that, indeed, fundamentalism causes brain damage.

    • harryeagar

      Or vice versa

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Five years in the pen for being a shameless scammer – and this is what he does as soon as he gets out. Looks like being a thieving liar for Jesus is still all he knows – didn’t they have any career training in his prison?

    • Janice Briggs

      No, he’s not being a thieving liar for Jesus. Bakker is being A THIEVING LIAR for his daddy Satan, the Father of Lies!!!

      GOD IS NOT A MAN THAT HE SHOULD LIE. JESUS IS GOD!!! GOD CANNOT LIE BECAUSE THAT IS HIS CHARACTER, IT’S WHO GOD IS!!!

      What a sad commentary on this man’s life, who should have learned from past mistakes & experience.

      Bakker should be preaching Jesus Christ and Him Crucified to a world that is lost & dying because of SIN, because of humanity’s refusal to acknowledge Jesus as Creator, Savior and Lord of the heavens and the earth and they that dwell therein.

      Everybody that professes they are Christians, doesn’t make it so. A true Christ Follower is not going to promote a man. But they are going to be obedient to the Word of God to present the Great Commission to All, as Jesus has told All to do, that belong to Him.

  • Jessica

    Who in their right mind gave this felonious fool another TV show to rip even more people off?

  • Justno

    I have this same experience daily. Because I live in Texas. Each morning I know, I know, I know that something will happen that makes me wish for the end times.

  • harryeagar

    I dunno if Jim has thought this thing through entirely. When the times end, which would you rather have, some dried food or cold hard cash?

    Or as Omar Khayyam wondered, what do the vintners buy half so valuable as what they sell?

  • If these people are so sure they’re going to some floaty cloud nirvana when they die why are they wanting to survive Armageddon with a years worth of dried crap food?

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