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What’s a fast food company to do when duly elected government officials enact a law designed to make companies treat their workers like human beings? In McDonald’s case, the answer is “sue all the way to the Supreme Court.” On Monday, though, the highest court in the land basically kidney-punched Ronald McDonald right in his stupid new clown evening jacket, telling the company, in legal terms, to STFU.

This is (SURPRISE!) once again about Seattle, Washington’s landmark $15 minimum wage law. McDonald’s legal challenge wasn’t to the law itself, though; not even fast food companies are dumb enough to think “a civic government raising wages through a fair legislative process” would be ruled unconstitutional, even if aspiring Nazgul Antonin Scalia were still on the bench (update: he is not. He is still dead). The International Franchise Association (which, as a reminder, generally exists in order to screw over franchisees at the behest of their parent companies), one of the organizations behind the challenge, instead sought to cripple the law by targeting the provision that gave small businesses three years more to enact the higher wages than were granted to megacorps. McDonald’s had been pooping in its Pampers about the “discriminatory” nature of such a provision, especially since the company’s franchises (which are 90% of all McDonald’s locations) weren’t classified as small businesses.

A federal judge ruled against McDonald’s in March 2015, and the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals likewise ruled McDonald’s were being a bunch of dumb assholes. The company was nevertheless hopeful the Supreme Court might be more pliable. SCOTUS, though, rejected McDonald’s challenge, refusing to hear it and basically responding “what they said” in reference to the lower court’s ruling. It’s unclear if Antonin Scalia would’ve influenced the court towards hearing the case; if he would have done, we have yet another example of Dead Scalia making the world a better place.

It should also come as no surprise that this was the end result. McDonald’s was, as per usual, looking to have it both ways: relying on a business model that royally screws over their franchisees to a degree unusual even in the fast food industry, while simultaneously attempting to get them treated as Mom n’ Pop stores. It would be laughable if it weren’t so disingenuously sociopathic. Now that their challenge has officially been fired into the sun, might we suggest McDonald’s restructure their agreements such that the company doesn’t assume 95% of the profit and 0% of the costs associated with franchise operation? That might be a good move. You dickrockets.

Say it with me, class: an increased minimum wage does not destroy the economy. It does not destroy the entire fast food business model. It will not be leading to The Robopocalypse (crap, I knew I forgot one). Thank you and good day, sir or madam.

WE. SAID. GOOD. DAY.

[Reuters]

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  • Lizzietish81

    You know who else is still dead?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Great. Now McDonalds is going to move all their stores to Florida.

    • BadKitty904

      Believe me, there’s no more room.

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …hey, hey, hey, what did Florida do to you?!?! Just because we are a LOT little screwy doesn’t mean you should curse us with chronic diarrhea!!!

      • BadKitty904

        I prefer to think of us as being “colorful”.

        • AngryBlakGuy

          …I like that! I always said we were “special”!

          • BadKitty904

            In all possible sense of the word.

          • AngryBlakGuy

            …but not as “special” as Texas or Mississippi

          • BadKitty904

            They’re “extra special”.

      • Grokenstein

        Don’t blame him, blame Rick Scott.

        • AngryBlakGuy

          …did you not get the memo? You must refer to him as “He who must not be named”!!!

          • Left Coast Tom

            Yeah, well, Voldemort is here in CA trying to entice businesses that don’t want to pay $15/hour to move to FL. Which means you get all the diarrhea.

        • The Wanderer

          You’re spelling his name wrong. It’s actually Prick, but the p is silent.

      • ViveLaRes

        Right! That’s what we have Krystal for.

    • Thaumaturgist

      if the Supreme Court of the USA decides McDinalds is the “joint employer” of its franchisees’ employees, moving to Florida isn’t going to do any good. McDonalds is going to have to move the Mexico.

      • Blank Ron

        We’re quite happy with OXXO, thank you very much.
        – Mexico

      • Left Coast Tom

        Hmm…I’m not driving to Mexico for a McDonalds hamburger. Actually, I’m not driving one mile to the nearest one either, because McDonalds.

  • schmannity

    Eat a rat dick McNugget

    • Helena Handbag

      A dicknugget?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      McRibbed for her pleasure

      • The Wanderer

        I think that’s from the Adult Happy Meal.

        • FlemmishSpy

          Furry Meal.

          • The Wanderer

            LOL
            With the all-new Vixen Fleshlight?

    • The Wanderer

      Salted, or honey-chili flavor?

    • Mpeg

      “There once was a clown from Mc-Nugget..”

      • eggsacklywright

        “Who said to their workers, well fuggit…”

        • Antimassacree

          “You grunts with blue collars
          Must work for no dollars
          While execs get huge bonuses – I’m lovin’ it!”

      • Frank Underboob

        “Who whipped out his dick & said tug it!”

  • Toomush_Infer

    The Robopocolypse is still coming, though, and can only be addressed by a government-run Basic Living Wage, and that’s a fack, Jack! McDumass not having it their way, however?….just fucking lovely…

  • BadKitty904

    EAT it, Ronald!!1! No, wait…

  • The Wanderer

    Jump, Ronald! JUMP!

    • cleos_mom

      To paraphrase a notable comedian of the 1980s, Ronald McDonald is in about the same position as Ronald Reagan was. Both of them have stratospheric name recognition but neither is really running anythng.

  • memzilla

    More conservative fuckery averted by the death of Antonin Scalia’s tie-breaking vote.

    Truly, he’s a man who’s done more for Actual Justice dead than alive.

    • BadKitty904

      He’s been enormously improved by death.

      • cousin itt

        It becomes him.

      • memzilla

        As Mark Twain said, “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

  • Painter of Goats

    This ruling – I’m lovin’ it.

  • Ricky Gay

    McHaHa!

  • BloviateMe

    On some level, MBA’s have done just as much to fuck things up as lawyers. The obsession with reducing cost via things like lean, thinking minimum wage temp workers are sufficient in semi-skilled positions, and regarding customer service as non value added.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      An MBA is a “master” of all trades, jack of none. They don’t even understand the businesses they destroy.

      • Damian L

        So let’s put them in charge of all our hospitals and surgical centers! Yeah!

        • Latverian Diplomat

          And universities, and elementary schools, and zoning boards, and …

          • Toomush_Infer

            And then let’s have the engineers design everything!…

          • Frank Underboob

            …Then blame them when Sales can’t sell them.

    • Hutch

      “I got your six-sigma right here, ya fuckin’ Wharton grad.”

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Engineers: “Six-sigma is a statistical term that you are using wrong and even if used correctly is an inapplicable and/or infeasible measure of quality for these projects.”

        Managers:”Don’t worry about that. It’s just a cool name. Six-sigma means what this powerpoint slide says it means, that’s all.”

        • Walter Wellstone

          So fucking true.

        • Hutch

          Best summation of six-sigma I’ve ever heard, LD!

        • therblig

          but less than 12 parsecs is still fucking fast, right?

    • Walter Wellstone

      MBAs see the world through spreadsheets. If something looks good there it has to work in the real world, right?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Excellent” — Montgomery Burns

      • calliecallie

        “Maybe not so much after all”
        MI Governor Rick Snyder

        • Left Coast Tom

          It seems to me Michigan voters back in 2010 had fair warning. Snyder ran entirely on his Gateway CEO experience (“nerd governor”), a company that cratered because it’s anti-tech-innovation business model couldn’t survive smartphones, and which unlike Dell never developed a backup business like Dell’s business services division. So Snyder moved Gateway, whose business was largely marketing, to South Dakota, which is not known as a center of marketing, and promised to make Michigan look like South Dakota. Acer bought Gateway, and moved it to Los Angeles, which is known as a center of marketing. All of this was before the 2010 election.

          • calliecallie

            In our defense, we were coming off of 10 years of extreme economic distress and 8 years of a quite ineffectual Democratic governor. I can understand them electing him in 2010. It’s 2014 that baffles me, after he cut corporate taxes, raised taxes on pensioners and poors, and signed that right to work bill. That’s when the tide should have shifted, IMHO.
            I voted for the Democrat every time, though. Of course.

    • Thaumaturgist

      You’ve bought into bar asociation marketing. All lawyers actually do is keep the ball rolling. The real work is done by the MBAs.

  • Michael Rush

    Meanwhile ….. enjoy this short three stooges clip …

    http://i899.photobucket.com/albums/ac199/jumpinacrater/a999/ted%20elbow%20.gif

    • cousin itt

      I hope they’re using protection.

    • BadKitty904

      Hey, Moe!

    • Walter Wellstone

      He really did elbow her in the face. It’s like “Get the fuck out the way, bitch, my daddy is here!”

      • Grokenstein

        I don’t think he did it deliberately, but out of obliviousness and a total lack of caring. You know, typical Cruz.

        • eddi

          Bros before hoes. Or something equally tasteless.

          • Virginia Collins

            “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cc877atwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cc877a:➽:➽:➽➽➽➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsCampGetPayHourly$98…. .❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦::::::!cc877a….,…

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          She seemed to dodge both the fist and elbow pretty nimbly, like she’s got experience at it.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          It’s like when Carly fell off the stage. He just kept pressing the flesh. To be fair, it wasn’t Ted who fell of the stage, so who the fuck cares?

      • Doug Langley

        I’m sure he doesn’t really blame her for his campaign crashing and burning . . . does he?

      • r m reddicks

        Giving her the “Carly fell off the stage” treatment.

    • Hutch

      That looks like it hurt! It is what happens when you cunningly plan something that should be spontaneous.

      • Iron Monkey

        Damn, he got her twice–looks like a quick punch in the nose followed by an elbow to her eye. And even caught the back of her head on the backswing.

        • Hutch

          By the looks of it, she’s sporting some facial bruises this morning. Poor Heidi.

          • Me not sure

            She needs a safe word.

          • Hutch

            “Get behind me Satan?” Oh wait, that’s a phrase.

          • weejee

            Fava beans. Oops, that two words

          • Hutch

            Chianti? That would work!

          • Frank Underboob

            “Get behind me Satan?” Oh wait, that’s a phrase.

            Besides, he probably doesn’t want him behind her.

          • Sardonicuss

            Zodiac!

          • Antimassacree

            For her I would recommend a phrase: “Go away, Ted.”

          • Celtic_Gnome

            More effective would be, “I want a divorce.”

          • Frank Underboob

            I’m betting that he’d ignore her safe word too.

    • Helena Handbag

      Nyuk nyuk nyuk

    • Master Contrail Program

      She should bite a chunk of his ear off.

    • Henri205

      The awkwardness inherent in this family is embarrassing for them but fun for us to point and laugh.

    • Frank Underboob

      Who’s the bald guy he’s slurping on while he elbows his wife in the face?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    McDonalds strategy of using “two whole briefs (padded), special pleading (let us, please!), trickle down, yins!” was not successful. The sesame seed bun went over well though.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I’m not impressed by this ruling, because it does nothing to deal with the DIARRHEA FACTOR of their shitty food. The only people suitable to eat that crap are drunk/high college students at 3am

    • cleos_mom

      Maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for in the Recipes section.

  • Grokenstein

    Fifteen-buck minimum wage law? I’d hit it. I’m a living-wage kinda guy.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q16KpquGsIc
    http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/022/938/fa3.jpeg

  • Indiepalin

    Ahh, McDonalds. I love their new Green Menu, with the Free-range Chicken McNuggets and whatnot.

    • Me not sure

      Also too, largely chicken free.

      • Anarchy Pony

        But the rat nuggets are delicious.

        • weejee

          Yeppers.

        • r m reddicks

          “Now Made With 100% Salted Rat Dicks!”

        • Antimassacree

          There are parts of the rat that cannot be made into rat salad.

  • Playonwords

    If I was ever perverse enough to want microwaved burgers I’d do it myself.

  • beatbort

    I’d like to Supersize this ruling and take it to go…to every city in the US of A.

  • Portia McGonagal

    Awwwww McDonald’s not loving it. Too bad.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Just watch. They’re going to go after state legislatures now, trying to get them to pass preemptive laws forbidding municipalities to hike wages.

    • weejee

      They tried here and lost. But all most Washington residents are Communists, so there is that.

      • eggsacklywright

        Rent has nearly doubled in Seattle over the last 10 years or so. I’m about to be priced out of town.

        • BosGrl

          The middle class can’t live in cities anymore; only the very poor and the very rich. The rest of us are supposed to move to the bedroom communities and spend all our money on transportation and lose our sanity over suburban values. Yeah, I’m bitter.

          • Serai 1

            Suburbia 2.0: Remake it to suit yourselves. Enough not-white-bread people move in, and it’ll change. Spice it up!

      • Serai 1

        Except for the ones that are backwoods gun fetishists.

    • dshwa

      That provision was in North Carolina’s transgender bill. Nobody talked about it because of the furor around the bathroom part, but it also stripped municipalities from raising their minimum wages as well.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I talked about it. I figured at the time that the entire potty law was a cover for that very fact. Because republicans don’t give a shit about potty laws, they know their base does, but what they REALLY want is to fuck the lower class as much as possible and keep the business of the poor profitable.

      • Serai 1

        Clearly that was the point of the bill, not the transgender part. Wingnuts are great at coming up with social nonissues to stir people up into a hate frenzy so they won’t realize how badly they’re being screwed by the other parts of the law(s) that aren’t about that issue at all. Old tactic: Look! It’s the Winged Victory of Samothrace! * picks pocket *

    • Amy!

      Ah, No’th Ca’lina, ahead of the curve!

    • lroom

      Alabama already covered that one.

    • Frank Underboob

      I’m pretty sure that’s already happened.

  • calliecallie

    “McDonald’s was, as per usual, looking to have it both ways…”
    That was their first mistake. If you want it your way, you have to go to Burger King.

    • phoenix00

      +1 what a Whopper

    • handyhippie65

      not since they became canadian. no offence to canada.

  • dshwa

    disingenuously sociopathic is the business model for corporate capitalism in general.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Adam Smith warned about this shit over two centuries ago, but WTF did he know?

      • dshwa

        I wish that every time somebody said the phrase “free market” or “invisible hand” that a copy of Wealth of Nations would drop out of the sky and hit them on the head.

        • King of America

          Oh holy shit yes. The people who say that shit have invariably never read it – they’d probably think they were reading Das Kapital.

  • Thaumaturgist

    This is troubling. On the one hand, all the Supremes did was decide not to hear the case. That kind of decision is not precedent, which is binding on lower courts. It’s only handwriting on the wall. The real problem here is that this litigation rather spoldes the argument against “joint employer” status. If the parent company is a joint employer of the franchisees’ employees. . . . no one can describe how bad this is going to be for McDonalds.

    • C.A. Pinkham

      The parent company SHOULD be considered a joint employer. If, as the NLRB has ruled, that is legally the case, it’s not going to cause some economic apocalypse. It’s just going to force businesses to change their franchise relationships (primarily McDonald’s; their agreements are uniquely horrible).

      • Frank Underboob

        Ditto for 7/11.

        • Lamashtar

          And Dominos Pizza.

        • phoenix00

          Uber/Lyft?

          (ok not quite the same…)

  • CriticalDragon1177

    McDonald’s food will actually taste much better now.

    • Left Coast Tom

      I doubt it. It will, however, be served to you by people more likely to be able to afford rent.

      • Frank Underboob

        I bet it’ll be way less likely to have phlegm in it.

  • Left Coast Tom

    I’m not a fan of having different minimum wages for small versus larger businesses, and I’m glad CA’s law doesn’t do that – a small business employee doesn’t get a discount on their rent. That said, I’m fine with this outcome (as a resident of the 9th, where this is precedent…sucks to be the other circuits) because I’m not sure how a business plaintiff could prevail without hurting the ability to otherwise help small business. My objection would require an employee as plaintiff.

    • Serai 1

      Well, the law isn’t talking about small businesses having a different wage. It just gives them a little longer to work up to the minimum. As it should – small business will have more difficulty raising the wage than huge corporations.

  • jmk

    I’m not sure what I liked most about the line “even if aspiring Nazgul Antonin Scalia were still on the bench (update: he is not. He is still dead)” – the echoes of news updates about Generalissimo Francisco Franco, the spot-on perfection of the recognition of Scalia’s essential Nazgulness, or the reminder that he’s not there anymore.

    • careful_driver

      AOT,K?

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I had some friends that stole a life-size Ronald McDonald in college during the 80’s. They found a black teddy with a snap crotch that fit him perfectly.

    • The Wanderer

      That’s both funny and disturbing.

    • DaveM

      I really have to ask, did they slip him the sausage McMuffin?

  • Frank Underboob

    Yay! And Dead Scalia is Best Scalia!

  • I’ve worked at medium companies & big companies, and both use the same disingenuously sociopathic tag line – “It’s just business!”

    I think as a third career I’ll become a contract killer & track down a few people from my past, so the last words they hear are “It’s just business!”

  • handyhippie65

    they haven’t even raised the minimum wage here in indiana, and mac doogal’s has raised prices 20%. they advertise jobs starting at 8.25/hr. a quarter pounder is 5.50.

  • I AM R U

    In other unrelated news, who is “Fitzgerald Chesterfield” and why are they offering a cake recipe??

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