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thanks seattleUgh, Starbucks, really? You’re going to try to tackle actual serious societal problems again, now in Ferguson, Missouri, no less? Okay, fine, how are you falling on your face this time? Wait … Starbucks’ plan is actually well-thought-out and appears to be doing actual good? Well that was unexpected.

We’ve all had fun laughing at Starbucks’s social-justice-related pratfalls in the past. This is particularly true when it comes to race relations; remember the time they wanted to awkwardly dragoon their baristas into uncomfortable conversations about racism? That was fun! Their new plan to open a store in Ferguson, however, actually appears to be doing some good. It would seem the 15th time is the charm for Starbucks.

You may remember Ferguson from the time the police there attempted to tear gas the entire population of the town for the grave offense of Existing While Black. If you don’t remember, quick recap: a dickhead white police officer named Darren Wilson killed a black kid named Michael Brown (who may or may not have been charging at him, depending on whose version of events you believe). People protested, then said tear gassing took place, then we found out that — SURPRISE! — the entire civic government of Ferguson was controlled and operated by blindingly racist asshats. The whole episode led to the formation of the Black Lives Matter movement and ripped the scab off the diseased wound that is America’s systemic, long-standing tradition of disproportionate police violence and brutality towards minorities (particularly African-Americans and Latinos). It was bad.

This is where Starbucks comes in. Last year, Starbucks pledged to put a new location in Ferguson. Everyone laughed, of course, because did you see what else has happened when Starbucks tried to be helpful? They were basically the corporate equivalent of your one aunt who always tries to clean up your house when she comes over, and NO, AUNT CAROL, PLEASE STOP PUTTING MY XBOX IN THE SHOWER, I DON’T CARE IF IT “RUINS THE CHI FLOW” IN THE LIVING ROOM.

But instead of charging in like a well-meaning bull in a china shop, Starbucks actually appears to have put some thought into this: they hired an almost-entirely local staff including a store manager with strong ties to the area (paying specific note to encouraging diversity as much as possible), they’re selling locally produced baked goods from Natalie’s Cakes and More, deliberately hired a minority-owned local contractor to build the place, and made sure the building includes a conference room they plan to lend out to non-profits like the Urban League of Metropolitan St. Louis, which will use it for job-training programs. All in all, while Starbucks is frequently worthy of mockery, it’s tough to see how they could’ve been more thoughtful about this particular plan.

And that’s good news for them, since they are also currently facing another lawsuit that makes us laugh so hard we spray iced chai all over our keyboards. The last lawsuit, which as far as we’re aware is still ongoing, was over the company allegedly underfilling its lattes. A customer named Stacy Pincus apparently saw this and wanted in on that hot legal action, so she’s suing the company for overusing ice in its iced drinks. Pincus is seeking class action status for the suit.

While this is possibly the dumbest lawsuit we’ve ever seen, it did lead to this deliciously salty response from a Starbucks PR representative:

“Our customers understand and expect that ice is an essential component of any ‘iced’ beverage,” Jaime Riley said in a statement. “If a customer is not satisfied with their beverage preparation, we will gladly remake it.”

Sure, this may be a frivolous lawsuit dragging on the already-overburned American legal system, but we think it’s worth it if it resulted in a Starbucks spokesperson essentially letting loose a more polite version of, “iced drinks have ice in them, dumbass.”

[USAToday / BuzzFeed]

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  • kareemachan

    But you know some dumbass is going to insist on only TWO ice cubes in their iced latte….

    • anwisok

      …and then complain because it isn’t cold enough.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      In HS, I had a job at a KFC. One of the jobs of the counter staff (like me) was filling the drinks from the soda machine. You cannot believe how petty people can be about the ratio of ice to sugar-water they get. Anyway, I tried to be polite and accommodating. I think drinks cost the company something like $.04 per, and folks where paying over a dollar for them, so if we had to remake a soda with more or less ice, it was hardly a big deal.

      • sw19womble

        From memory, it’s around $0.15 to 0.20 once you factor in everything, but yeah still a huge mark-up.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I once heard a lady complaining about the amount of her ice, and this was one of those places with a self service drink station.
        She complained loudly to the poor girl at the counter who was trying to point out said self service drink counter. The ICE CAME TOO FAST!!!!! CANT YOU JUST MAKE ME ONE?????

        • sw19womble

          I’m eternally surprised that some people can tie their own shoelaces.
          Just pour/flick a few out into the overflow or the bin FFS!

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I really assumed she was having a nervous breakdown or something, and I felt like intervening, but the manager there was on it and smooth like butter so I just let him work it.

        • nightmoth

          People like that make my bad self want to see civilization collapse in my lifetime.

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            Oh, like it hasn’t.

          • nightmoth

            At least I’m not eating tasty nuke-cooked human buttocks YET.

          • FlownOver

            Trumpista!

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Let us hope that the continuous-loop tape reminding this poor soul to breathe does not malfunction.

        • FlownOver

          OK, you’re one.

  • sw19womble
    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Not just Seattle, pretty sure that is everywhere.

      • sw19womble

        For sure, but the opportunity to rag on Seattle and Star*ucks at the same time was too good to miss. :p

        • weejee

          Thanks, we love the abuse.

          • SterWonk

            I think I’m surprised that I’m surprised that such a thing exists. I’ve been hanging out with you pervs and deviants too long.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        I thought maybe it was a Klondike gold rush anecdote, but instead its just a story about how stadium concessions are not on the up and up, which is indeed not just a Seattle thing.

  • Msgr_Moment

    All right, so is Starbucks now allowed to use the “N” word, while Fox News bimbos are denied?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Let us hope so. There is nothing more fun that listening to the endless Fox whine about starbucks

    • JustPixelz

      Next? I’ve never heard them say that.

      • Lizzietish81

        NI!

        • Toomush_Infer

          Not those knights!…

  • Indiepalin

    Starbucks has also banned anything resembling a vanilla latte.

    • sw19womble

      as well as any local competition.

      • theCryptofishist

        That’s what I hate about it. Cafes are wonderful. I used to sit with my book or the paper or sketchbook, see people I knew–something closer to european leisure. By that standard, Starbucks is a chop shop, get them in and get them out. What’s the term? Pen~a? Kaffeetisch? Coffee used to *mean* something. Peet’s has two (2!) pandora channels. (Okay, that last sentence seems to have survived the truncation of the rant, and I’m leaving it there.)

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    From the immortal Pump Boys and Dinettes: “watch out for my thumb”. In other words faking the weight/fill is a time-honored Murkin tradition and only commie pinkos would argue with it.

  • weejee

    Will SCOTUS say this suit crossed two red lines and rule icing?

    • AntiDerpomeme

      My favorite ice penalty is “hooking.”

  • CriticalDragon1177

    How much do you want to bet that losers at Breitbart are going to spew racism over this?

    • weejee

      FWIW, in Ferguson less than 30% of the residents are melanin-impaired.

      • CriticalDragon1177

        Which is why a bunch of white nationalist losers are bound to hate this. Wouldn’t be surprised if racist launch a boycott Starbucks campaign now. They’ll probably say Starbucks coffee is too black, and thus, white genocide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Toomush_Infer

      We’re not talking about black coffee…

      • CriticalDragon1177

        LOL!

    • Daisy

      That’s a sucker’s bet.

    • SeeTrain65

      Even money. No sale.

  • Lizzietish81

    Warning: This iced drink has ice in it

    • Blank Ron

      May Contain Nuts

  • Dylan Black

    As someone who doesn’t like Coffee at all, I will never understand the appeal of Starbucks over the million other coffee options. That said, this does seem like a fairly well thought out plan by them.

    • Lizzietish81

      Speaking as a coffee addict, when you find yourself in the middle of butt fuck Iowa where “coffee” is simply brown water, you can count on Starbucks to provide strong caffeine, even if it tastes awful.

      • natoslug

        I am not an addict. I just refuse to do anything with my day until I’ve been caffeinated.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I get my caffeine from sugar water and not the coffee.
          I should probably switch but I just don’t like the taste. Smells good, tho

          • natoslug

            I like sweet and bitter, so four shots of espresso, a sprinkle of turbinado sugar (half teaspoon), and a piece of 70% cocoa bar, topped with some foamed milk, is perfect for me. Whenever I travel, I have to bring my chocolate bar so that I can fix a Starbucks coffee. Strangely, what takes four shots at home requires eight shots at Starbucks, though. I may have a minor addiction. And maybe a dash of OCD.

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            Do you eat that with a fork, or do the tines dissolve?

          • natoslug

            My motto in life (or one of them): If it doesn’t smell like you’re pouring several shots of espresso when you pee, you obviously haven’t had enough coffee.

          • sw19womble

            Nice!

          • Pam Hyland

            It’s less bitter if you cold brew it, more time consuming though.

      • theCryptofishist

        20 years ago, I lived in Butte county for 4.5 years. Rural, poor, shading into libertarianism and queer bashing. There were a couple of places in Chico where you could get a cappuccino when I moved there. When I left, the oddest little towns, with half of downtown boarded up and half of the rest antique shops, had espresso machines. That was Starbucks. Love it or hate it, it changed things.

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        Either Pilot or Love’s (truck stops), and I don’t remember which, has an “extra caffeine” coffee which has allowed me to pull my little teardrop trailer down the road, resolutely, paranoically, awake, for many hours after a sane person would have stopped. Wouldn’t want to do it daily, but I was on time for my appointment the next morning.

    • natoslug

      HERETIC! Next you’ll claim not to own a fedora or do ANYTHING ironically.

    • Mimihaha

      It was Starbucks that made me realize I don’t actually like coffee.

      • Whale Chowder

        You should try some real coffee some time.

    • sw19womble

      As someone who lives and breathes coffee, I will never understand the appeal of Star*ucks over the million other decent (local and independent) coffee options.
      At least the ones who haven’t been killed off by Star*ucks’ aggressive ‘cannibalisation’ scorched earth strategy.

      • SterWonk

        I’m not a coffee aficionado – I started having the occasional espresso mainly because it gave me a good excuse to get up from my desk for a few minutes and play with the espresso machine at the office – but I think it’s a consistency thing. Starbucks might not be good, but it’s a consistent type of not-good, no matter which store in which town you go to.

        • sw19womble

          Honestly I am really fussy, like natoslug-level (see below) about my coffee.
          Fortunately, there are plenty of good chains and local places all over London (UK). And in Vancouver, there’s Blendz, Serious Coffee and Salt Spring Coffee all widely available. Even Seattle’s Best if in a bind/on the road. For me, it’s about making a good espresso with decent beans. That’s the bedrock of any coffee.
          But for sure, for people who just want a standardised coffee that does the job, or one of their frou-frou pumpkin jobs for special occasions… it’s all good.
          Even though Star*ucks is Evil, they don’t mean to be, which gives me hope in the long run.

          • sw19womble

            Pete’s in California.

          • NanBullenshede

            Dave art not here, manne.

          • Biff52

            My new jam. I can buy Peet’s beans locally, but none coffee houses. We have a few locals, but by the time I get showered and out of the house, it ain’t coffee time anymore. I do it all at home.

          • pstockholm

            Quality beans, roasting within last 4 weeks (at a stretch) by someone who knows what they’re doing, ground immediately before on high quality grinder, halfway decent barista. That’s it. Starbucks actually does ok on beans; recent roasting, probably better than average; fresh grind, np; barista, good enough.
            Just don’t get any shit in your coffee except whole milk, and much less than they want to do, also double the shot count as per sw19etc. Only trust your own sweetener if you insist on sweetener (not judging – ok judging).
            So I don’t get the Starbucks hate/snobbery. Although yes there is almost always a better local alternative (Olympia Crest , looking at you).
            Is Wonkette about to disappear down a coffee nerd rabbit hole? I don’t know if I’m thrilled or terrified.

        • Jamoche

          And before Starbucks, the only “coffee” choice in your typical suburb was at 7-11. I grew up just outside Dallas and was 30 before I learned that there was something more to coffee than that stuff in those round glass pitchers at restaurants. Outside of Portland or other coffee-savvy cities, local coffee shops didn’t start showing up until *after* Starbucks paved the way.

    • phoenix00

      tbh their loyalty program is totes convenient. Don’t even need to touch your wallet to pay, just scan your phone! Plus auto(magic)load off your credit card so your account never taps out.

      otoh I’ll be one of the losers in the new spend-based system though, the freebie drinks will come to me less often vs the old transaction-based scheme.

  • Ilgattomorte

    I want in on this lawsuit thing. I ordered a double zen, half-caf, peppermint, pumpkin spice, triple soy latte with 2% whipped cream, extra hot with low-fat foam in a double cup and I swear, they put coffee in it!

    Jesus, if I wanted coffee, I’d go to a Dunkin Donuts.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Ummmm….that’s not coffee….

      • OddMan

        Mmmm, donuts.
        Sorry, I’m on my second cup of (homemade) coffee and need a sugar fix.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    It must be nice to be Stacy Pincus, who has her life so perfectly in balance that she has the time, energy, and mojo to fight for her right to have exacly her preferred amount of liquid in her cup. You go Stacy, and when you win that $4.75 in your class-action lawsuit, maybe you could donate it to some worthy cause, like teaching underremployed teenagers to samba, or sponsoring a Whine and Artisanal Free-Range Cheese night at your local Whole Foods.

    • FlownOver

      The $4.75 will go toward legal fees and expenses in the class action. The members of the class will “win” the opportunity to fill out an eight-page claim form (emails not accepted) with the hope of receiving, eventually, a coupon for 50¢ off any venti pumpkin spice half-caf. Offer not good after curfew in Sectors R or N.

    • Toomush_Infer

      How much does Saul get?…

      • Blank Ron

        ‘If we lose, I get nothing. If we win, you get nothing.’

    • SisterArtemis

      Most of us would just switch coffee shops…. :/

  • JustPixelz

    McDonald’s sued for coffee too hot. Starbuck’s sued for iced drinks too cold. I’m going to sue Panera for potato chips that are too room-temperature.

    • theblackdog

      No, sue Panera for bread that is too crunchy!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …how long before Bill O’Rielly starts yelling “reverse racism”?

    • JustPixelz

      1 / ∞ seconds.

      • Lizzietish81

        I WASN’T TOLD THERE’D BE CALCULUS!!!!

        • Major_Major_Major

          Welllll, integration was a part of the civil rights movement, soooo It’s built into the discussion.

          • theCryptofishist

            Meh. Billo is simply a differentialist.

        • arglebargle

          Did you get someone to cosine your opt out agreement?

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            Okay, that’s fucking brilliant.

          • arglebargle
          • PubOption

            But it’s going off on a tangent.

          • sw19womble

            And that would be a sin(e)

          • pstockholm

            Could have least have given us a trig warning.

          • PubOption

            Jack Steuf didn’t get one!

          • L Thibodeaux

            More likely to be a sin(9).

    • SessileRaptor

      Trick question, he never stops yelling it. Super annoying for his wife when he’s trying to move his withered old bowels, sitting on the toilet grunting and yelling “AAHHH, Reverse Racism! Uhhh!”

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    I cannot comment on Starbucks as the one and only time I was in one (Pittsburgh Airport if I remember correctly) I noticed the prices were ludicrously high, at least insofar as I was concerned, for a fucking cup of coffee. I left and I never went back. I think McDonald’s has a fine cup of coffee and it costs, like, a buck and a half (less if you are a old). I also know my way around a Mr. Coffee. I have also never been inside a Wal-Mart because fuck those guys. They almost got me with their $200 flat screen TV last Christmas, but I held firm. Now, on the other hand, if Cinabon makes news, I could comment at length. Get the extra frosting, for starters…

    • Toomush_Infer

      Burger King used to have the most amazing coffee. Friends and I were trying to make it famous….then some corporate goon changed it to Seattle Burnt Shit and it’s not worth going there anymore. Can I sue them?…

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        I think so, this is America man. You can sue a bitch if a horse falls out of a tree.

    • sw19womble

      Much as it pains me to say it, but the ‘new’ McDonalds coffee is perfectly decent, and great for a dollar (regular, plus or minus taxes) – good for when on road trips.

      • Lizzietish81

        I’ve found it depends on where you are. In New England they use Newton’s Own coffee.

        In Denver, I think it was diarrhea.

        • sw19womble

          LOL!
          I think it was the alliteration that did it :p

          • sw19womble

            NB Made me LOL, not give you diarrhea.

        • NanBullenshede

          Sir Isaak wast a dab hand with a Beaker, a Crucible and a Retort and the Coffee Beans, as he never Cared for Sleep.

          • Blank Ron

            It also explains why I could never decipher his alchemy notes.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I got a sony flat for 150 last year. It is nice. It is all flat, and sony and was 150 bucks. Got it at best buy, too, so no freaky deaky waiting in line at 6 pm on Thanksgiving to get one of the 5 ones on sale at the Walsmart

      • Biff52

        My desert compound is within the sphere of influence of a walmart. Very sad. What few actual local businesses were there previously are mostly gone. Even the former owner of the local Sears franchise sold it and went to work at walmart. I did buy a yoooge flatscreen there. I’m not proud of that, but it’s what one must do when all other options are ground to dust.

    • PubOption

      I thought the name came about because they charged star bucks.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I’m going to sue Dairy Queen because their ice cream is too cold

    • sw19womble

      Also, not actual royalty.

      • Toomush_Infer

        But still gay, though, right?…

      • pstockholm

        Also, not actual ice cream.

        “Emulsified soy Plebe” might work.

        • Blank Ron

          Sometimes you don’t want ice cream. Sometimes you want… well, whatever-the-hell it is they serve.

    • Hutch

      It isn’t ice cream — it’s soft-serve “frozen desert.” From the horse’s mouth: “Our soft-serve does not qualify to be called ice cream.

      • Major_Major_Major

        I feel another lawsuit coming on.

    • I’m suing Wendys because their food pretty much is crap.

      • theCryptofishist

        If a friend loses a finger, you can slip it a bowl of their chili, pretend you found it there, and sue some more.

    • SisterArtemis

      Better stuff at Dairy Queen than McDonald’s. I ordered a chocolate shake thing years ago in August, set it on the kitchen counter with my groceries when I got home, forgot about it, and found it hours later STILL THICK AND SHAKE-LIKE IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER. Creepy. Ice and ice cream should melt. I don’t know what was in that thing.

      • SeeTrain65

        Chief Wiggum: “Do they have Krusty Partially-Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum-Based Beverages?”

        Lou: “Um hmm. They call ’em ‘Shakes.'”

        Eddie: “Hmm. Shakes. Don’t know what you’re gettin.'”

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I really don’t get the appeal of Starbuck$ anyway. I recenly received a $10 gift card there for filling out some survey, and it wasn’t enough to cover the purchase of a beverage for my two companions and me. Really, Starbuck$? Twelve dollars for paper, water, coffee, milk, and sugar? TWELVE DOLLARS???

    • Blank Ron

      50 cents for the coffee, $11.50 for the ‘experience.’ Of being fleeced, I assume.

  • dslindc

    I don’t know about you, but I always throw a fit if there aren’t exactly three perfect, 1-inch cubes of ice in my iced beverages, so that lawsuit seems fine.

    • MrBlobfish

      Made from the tears of Bolivian orphans?

      • OddMan

        Carved off a Glacier in Alaska and flown in by private jet every day?

        OT I actually had a cocktail served with glacial ice while on a cruise to Alaska years ago, very cool.

        • MrBlobfish

          So, you’re the guy causing the ice caps to shrink? Global warming is a hoax! It’s cocktails!

          • OddMan

            It was a well made Old Fashioned, and they only shot one polar bear for bear stew that night.

        • theCryptofishist

          Have you read about the round ice that they will deliver to your door? Apparently, scotch on the rocks is wrong if the ice isn’t melting uniformly. The mere existence of this thing proves to me that the balance of rich and poor in this country is wrong. If you have the money to fuss about that shit something somethhing rules with votes.

          • jexx

            Putting ice in your scotch is a dreadful thing to do. Just one drop of branch water, if you please, harvested from the flinty hills of Kentucky. (Not actually sure if the hills of Kentucky are flinty, or even if that is where branch water comes from)

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Trust me, you don’t want no Flinty water in your scotch.

          • theCryptofishist

            Look, I didn’t invent this. I don’t advocate this. I may not remember why the ice should be round or where it should be put. All I know is that someone invented round ice, and are selling it 3 for 12, or something. And this is very, very wrong.

    • brittany

      And some moar caramel…no more than that!
      MOAR!
      STILL MOAR CARAMEL!!!
      I NEED MAOR!!!
      JUST GIVE ME THE BAG!!!
      GIVE IT HERE!!!!
      [lunges over counter]

  • Toomush_Infer

    Okay, lawyerettes, tell me: can I sue people for just being stupid? Not necessarily doing anything, just being stupid? Because I’m starting to get the urge in 2016….

    • Hutch

      There’s always contra proferentem suits or “interpretation against the draftsman.” If something binding is written wrong, then the court usually* rules in the plaintiff’s favor. So, if Starbucks puts in writing that it serves coffee and it’s actually chicory, then you have a suit.

      *I am not a lawyerette, but I play one on Wonkette.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    If Starbucks doesn’t put enough ice in my drink I am going to sue them so bad!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Just call up Stacy Pincus and ask to join her class-action suit. You got class.

  • Mpeg

    Pissy patron has ice issues? I’m crushed.

    • Major_Major_Major

      That’s cold man. A little compassion, please

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Upfist cubed!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      ISWYDT

      • sw19womble

        Ic-e what you did there?

    • Whale Chowder

      Now I’m ready to freeze you out.

    • SeeTrain65

      Jus’ chill, y’all.

  • DerrickWildcat

    I’m going to sue Starbucks because it takes too long just to get a simple cup of coffee. Everybody wants some dumb fancy french dessert in their coffee.

  • Lizzietish81
  • SessileRaptor

    I got an iced coffee once at the shop near my work and was struck by how little actual coffee there was. I guess the option existed to ask for less ice, (the staff and owner are super nice) but being not much of a coffee drinker I just didn’t buy iced coffee again.

    • theCryptofishist

      If they do it right, they make the coffee at twice the strength. So, you’re getting the right amount of coffee for the size of the cup, just some of the water isn’t melted yet.
      If they make it by pouring regular coffee over ice, they are not doing it right.
      There used to be a guy at the Chico Farmer’s Market, who made coffee ice–that works, too.

      • HazooToo

        I’ve got those little plastic thingies that freeze solid for my iced coffee, so no dilution, but it’s such a process I normally only use them to bring hot coffee down to drinkable temp.

        • theCryptofishist

          Yeah, iced coffee should be made the day before.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    I’m switching to homeopathic ice: dissolve a tiny sliver of ice in a large quantity of water. The water will now be as cold as the original ice. Because, vibrations or something.

    • sw19womble

      Colder than ice! Don’t forget your scarf!

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Ice Nine Libel!

    • Blank Ron

      Make sure you potentiate it properly. You’ll know if you’ve done it wrong because the water will stay at room temperature.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        If it doesn’t work, you probably used too much ice and the dilution wasn’t “strong” enough.

    • Lily412

      I switched away from Starbucks because there were weird swirls of something on the top. CHEMTRAILS!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Fox News: “How come black people are allowed to order a ‘Flat White’ without it being racist? Unfair!”

    • theblackdog

      This is discrimination that favors toons! They get to be flat and just fine!

  • Shibusa

    Coffee has provided grounds for many a lawsuit.

    • pstockholm

      They’re looking to get those stare decisis bucks.

    • cheetojeebus

      Java a point there.

    • Roadstergal

      They’re French-pressing charges.

    • Whale Chowder

      Meh, I think you’re full of beans.

      • theCryptofishist

        It is a latte bull.

        • SeeTrain65

          Say it ain’t so, Joe!

          • phoenix00

            What a drip

    • Calli Arcale

      I hope this one doesn’t roast them.

  • Helena Handbag

    Was that meant to say “overburdened” or was that a reference to the flavor profile of their product?

    • Biff52

      Feel the Bern Taste the Burn!

  • MrBlobfish

    But they give it to you in a bigger cup. So you’re getting the same amount of coffee as a regular small cup. Also, good on them for the local involvement.

  • MrBlobfish

    Is there a venn diagram showing overlap of Cult of Starbucks and Cult of Apple?

    • theCryptofishist

      Don’t forget the Cult of IKEA.

      • jmk

        Oh come on… it’s just a coincidence that every room in my house is as full as it can hold of IKEA stuff. It’s not a cult!!

    • tinywriting

      That’s just a circle.

    • phoenix00

      Tesla

  • FauxAntocles

    My B-I-L always asks for “light ice” – I go with no ice myself. If I’m paying too much for a fountain drink of swill, I want every pennies’ worth.

    • Bad Granny

      Clearly stating one’s preference is for wimps, real warriors just whine about things under their breath until they can find a lawyer dumb enough to sue ’em.

      • Biff52

        Exactly how I treat my bedroom preferences! I SUE YOU!

    • Roadstergal

      Light ice for coffee drinks, no ice for soda. And I _will_ use any free refills I’m allowed.

    • C.A. Pinkham

      This is the craziest part to me; people assume restaurants put ice in soda and iced coffee to save money, but…the amount of money they save by doing so is basically nothing. They’re not doing it to save money, they’re doing it because their internal research has shown this is the temperature at which most customers enjoy it. Besides, they’ll make the damn thing differently if you ask them.

      • HazooToo

        It’s because people expect ice. But with McDonalds’ sweet tea and Sonic’s strawberry limeade, always ask them for no ice! The ice just waters down the last sips of tea, and it completely steals all the delicious strawberry chunks in the limeade!

        • dianebk

          I loved that McDonald’s Sweet Tea, but sometimes you got it fresh, which was great for flavor, but it would be tepid because it started out being a hot brew. I always asked for extra ice.

          Of course, then I found out the large has more than two Snickers bars’ worth of sugar in it, so I am not drinking that shit anymore.

          • HazooToo

            To each their own! Once in a while, I just want a couple Snickers’ worth of tea.

  • I buy my Starbuck’s in a bottle at the 7/11 with a side of pickled eggs and beef jerky like a REAL MAN.

  • Redgyal

    I wish my local Starbucks had a meeting room. Huh, there’s that Black privilege again.

  • Skadi

    As penance for having been born in Seattle and having therefore no taste in coffee apparently, I post this.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjOoD94ucEQ

  • chascates

    I hope a Gap store opens next to them.

  • The Wanderer

    Ice, ice, baby.

    • Bad Granny

      She could instead buy her Starbucks drinks out of the refrigerator case at the gas station. Those are bottled under pressure.

    • phoenix00

      ‘Vanilla (syrup) Ice, ice, baby’

      FTFY

  • Spurning Beer

    Starbucks will also scuttle their plans for a new cup size larger than Grande, the Mandingo.

  • retiredeng

    Starbucks. The “coffee shop” for snotty nosed elitists.

    • theCryptofishist

      Ha! Spend a week in San Francisco and find out how deluded you are.

      • Roadstergal

        You’re not a snotty-nosed elitist unless you have a flower drizzled into your foam by a cinema studies major with flesh tunnels.

      • True dat. In any civilised country, Starbucks is to coffee what McDonalds is to food. On the other hand, in places like Pakistan McDonalds is patronised by snotty-nosed elitists because “it’s better because American”, so there you go.

        • brittany

          I would think in any civilized country, McDonalds is also to coffee as what McDonalds is to food….Starbucks is on par with them quality-wise, but charges more.

  • pending

    I’ll always think fondly of Starbucks just for the fact that when my neighborhood in Chicago was bad enough that no restaurant would offer outdoor seating (and most went out of their way to discourage dining in) a ‘Magic Johnson’ Starbucks opened on one of the worst corners and finally gave people in the neighborhood a decent place to meet up. It was huge for us.

    Of course, now that the neighborhood is late-stage gentrified you can’t go a block without hitting a fancy coffee shop, but you never forget your first.

    • Roadstergal

      I’ll always think fondly of Starbuck’s because, at a complicated time in my life, I worked as a minimum-wage hourly barista and got some of the best health care I’ve ever had – dental, vision, wimminz care including free-to-me slut pills.

      And the training was extensive – two weeks paid training at the corporate HQ – but that was in Seattle, and many years ago, so that might have changed.

    • a_pink_poodle

      I always think fondly of Starbucks since their first location in my city was where I met the girl I lost my virginity to.

      • pending

        That is a good reason for fondness.

    • gedjcj

      I hope the Wonkette staff will think fondly of Starbucks just for the fact that mrs ged’s salary allows me to throw more money at them in a month than I pay any other site in a year.

    • theCryptofishist

      I’m from Berkeley, and Starbucks was always an interloper. No pioneering of “coffee deserts’ here. So many locally owned and operated with individual flare. But it is sweet that all of you have these joyous associations with Starbucks. It reminds me that everything is so fucking complicated.
      (And now I live in a town with hardly any cafes, and I could go to Starbucks in Safeway, Starbucks in Barnes and Noble or Starbucks in the shopping center. I tend to go to Peet’s however. The founders of Starbucks learned about coffee working there… Now they are becoming a larger chain. And the weird natural store food court doesn’t really do lattes right.)

      • pending

        I should also say that in the years since when I’ve been moving around to nowhere towns for work, I’ve been living that “Starbucks-chain-in-a-whatever” life, because often they’re my only reliable source of wifi. So I probably have Stockholm/Starbucks syndrome. And that last month they closed that store I wrote about so fondly, and everyone says it’s because they’re planning to move into the new ‘L’ station, greedy bastards.

        Mixed feelings, is the takeaway from this article.

      • DutchS

        Onion article: “Starbucks to open new store in restroom of existing Starbucks.

  • proudgrampa

    Ice goes in an iced drink. It melts. Who can explain it?

    • theCryptofishist

      Work of the Devil!!!

    • Roadstergal

      Never a miscommunication…

    • phoenix00

      It’s the “melts into water” part that a lot of people can’t quite wrap their heads around.

  • NotALiar

    Wasn’t Black Lives Matter started after the George Zimmerman murdered Trayvon Martin? I could be wrong but I thought it was.

    • HazooToo

      I think it was conceived with the whole Zimmerman thing, and birthed in Ferguson. Then “I Can’t Breathe” became it’s first words.

      • kcnewhaven

        This is brilliant

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I don’t actually understand the concept behind iced coffee. I think it’s an oxymoron. I realize many people like it, but it’s a mystery to me.

    • ongre11

      On a hot day a bit of iced coffee does a great double duty beverage. Yummm, cools you off and gets you going!

    • Keri Smith

      You clearly have never suffered through a summer in Houston. Iced coffee is a godsend when you need a caffeine fix and it’s already 85 degrees with 80% humidity at 8 am.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I lived in New Orleans area for 4 years, which is at least as bad as Houston. I still didn’t drink iced coffee. If I needed a cold caffeine fix, I drank Pepsi. I think people either love iced coffee, or they hate it. I can’t stand iced tea either, which is difficult when you live in the South, as they serve it to you everywhere without asking you if you want it, and are quite shocked when you refuse it.

  • SkinlessGenderlessMan

    In honor of Stacy, a pun:

    Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

    “Pincus,” – Yacov said, – “the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black. We need new suits and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is.”
    Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said:
    “See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for the nuns. In all the world,” – Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, – “there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun’s habits from and it is from this cloth that I’ll make your new suits!”
    A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.
    “What did that man want?” – one nun asked the other.
    “I don’t know,” – she replied. “He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left.”
    “In Latin?” – asked the first nun. “What did he say?”
    He said, – “Marcus, Pincus fuctus.”

  • Left Coast Tom

    1) Good on Starbucks for what sounds like a successful introduction to the Ferguson, MO, community.

    2) Just about the only thing I want with ice is absinthe, because of the nice creamy look it creates as the oils come out of solution.

    • phoenix00

      1) Yeah a lot of non-commenters downstream dismiss SBUX as elitist and overrated, and while not completely undeserved or inaccurate, seem to forget that they are a major employer in many places and tend to treat their employees pretty well. They are doing Ferguson a nice favor here, and hope it’s part of the healing process.

      2) you make it sound grosser than it really is…..

      http://wdy.h-cdn.co/assets/16/08/1456176475-1448311587-coffeelikeit.gif

  • SeeTrain65

    “A customer named Stacy Pincus apparently saw this and wanted in on that hot legal action, so she’s suing the company for overusing ice in its iced drinks. Pincus is seeking class action status for the suit.”

    One of my local news stations in Ohio did an investigative report on this subject recently. Meanwhile, JobsOhio is still a criminal enterprise, and the Charter School scandal is being swept neatly under the rug. Oh, but please, tell me again the horrors of getting 15 ounces of iced coffee rather than 32.

    • phoenix00

      Priorities!

  • Edward Wassel

    As someone who lives in Ferguson, let me offer this prediction: The blacks will pick fights with the cashiers, food handlers, baristas and managers at the new Ferguson Starbucks because they have demonstrated that they can berate, scream and go over the counter and punch employees at any fast food restaurant and no one will stop them. Then it will escalate even further, and they will be marching down West Florissant Road and screaming they were mistreated by someone who served their coffee. Within a year, Starbucks will have pulled out of Ferguson because it’s impossible to do business here.

    • jmk

      Awwwww, bless your heart….aren’t you just the most adorable little racist?

      • DutchS

        Did you guys hear NASA is looking for remote sensing specialists? Most of those weenies need, y’know, instruments and satellites and aircraft and stuff, but you’re such a natural you can just sit there at your keyboard and tell someone he’s wrong about what happens in his OWN CITY, which you have probably never even visited.

        • jmk

          Awww, cupcake…first, he didn’t describe “what happens in his OWN CITY,” did he? He specifically acknowledged right at the start that he was making a “prediction.”

          Second… I didn’t say anything at all about “what happens in his OWN CITY.”

          I just referenced the massively-racist way he framed his bullshit “prediction.”.

          Reading comprehension… how does it work?

    • Rex Thorne

      You sound as bad as a St Louis Conservative. So ugly.

    • AnOuthouse

      Lives in Ferguson? We’ll need to see a long form utility bill or library card.

    • Lily412

      I promise you that your overt hostility isn’t helping the situation at all.

    • doktorzoom

      Idiot banhammered, comment left up for continued ridicule

  • AnOuthouse

    Eating ice cream gave me a headache. I need to find a lawyer.

  • brittany

    I can see it now…

    Stacy’s lawyer does a twist on the Clinton argument, stating that Starbucks’ definition of “Iced drinks” is misleading, as “iced” is also a verb in the past tense indicating that ice was in the drink, but has been removed (technically it could also mean that the ice melted, but that would weaken his/er argument, and the drink, so s/he’ll skip that detail). It sounds nuts, but then s/he’ll call a professional bartender to the stand to describe how to make the perfect shaken martini, which, after the ice is strained out, is served with just a light haze of ice chips floating atop the 0C alcohol.

  • nuzpeg

    I want to sue Dunkin’ Donuts for undoing the world order by trying to force me to specify hot or iced when I simply order coffee. Since time immemorial, when you simply say, “coffee,” it has meant “hot.” “Hot” is the default, “iced” is the special request. I’m sure this new (several-years-old) ploy is some sneaky way of trying to upsell me to iced because it has a higher profit margin.

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