Sad news about the global warming hoax, you guys. Turns out that the liberal scientists are so committed to their big lie that they’re going to go down to Antarctica and melt all the ice, which will cause the sea level to go WAY up, and when they are done, southern Louisiana will be bye-bye. Those liberal scientists will stop at nothing, won’t they?
You see, Louisiana has a Coastal Master Plan, devoted to mitigating the effects of climate change and the fucking oil drilling bid’ness on the state’s rapidly disappearing coastline. Unfortunately there’s new research that says their big plan mightn’t even matter, if global temperatures rise too much:
The research presents evidence that the world and Louisiana face a stark choice: Keep global temperatures from rising more than 2 degrees Celsius (3.6 degrees Fahrenheit) by 2100 and little will change in Antarctica, which means sea-level rise could be manageable and Louisiana’s coastal plan might succeed.
Fail at that goal, and the result could be a sudden, dramatic melting of ice on Antarctica, adding another 3 feet to current predictions of 3.5 feet of sea-level rise by 2100 – an event that would swamp most of Louisiana’s southern third, even with the master plan finished.
This year’s international meeting on climate change in Paris set a goal of reducing carbon emissions to a level that would limit global warming to 2 degrees Celsius.
You guys don’t like #ScienceFacts. You like pictures. Lucky for you, the New Orleans Advocate has created a whole interactive-type graphic thingy where you can see what will happen to southern Louisianne, depending on if Antarctica stays frozen, melts a little bit, or turns into a tropical vacation destination. For instance, here’s what it looks like if sea levels rise six feet:
You should go over there to see all their other amazing graphics.
Oh, and before you go “LOL NO BIG” because New Orleans still exists on that map, you must remember that New Orleans is protected by levees, which NEVER EVER EVER fail. Heck nope! Or maybe they do sometimes, and that will make Mardi Gras #NoFun because you’ll have to show your titties to the fishes to get beads, and fish ain’t got no beads and don’t care about your titties. Oh and people will die.
Also too, six feet of sea level rise would affect LOTS OF OTHER PLACES (click here for even more fun interactive graphics about things being fucked!), like Miami and Boston and New York City and also places that aren’t even in America. Hell, if you want to indulge in disaster prediction porn fantasies, just Google “six feet of sea level rise” and treat yourself to a veritable MELANGE of articles that have come out since this new research was published at the end of March.
Now, because we are Wonkette, you are probably wondering if we are going to tell Bobby Jindal to get fucked in his hyphen-hole over this. OF COURSE! You’ll remember how Jindal, back when he had a job, spent the 10-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina begging President Obama not to inject “the divisive political agenda of liberal environmental activism” into the event. And he really didn’t want to hear about fake ass liberal “climate change.”
The mean president had already annoyed Jindal by releasing a National Climate Assessment Report in 2014, detailing in part just how fucked Louisiana was going to be, thanks to global warming and the oil industry, but Jindal couldn’t hear him over the sounds of his mouth slurping around Big Oil’s slippery cock.
Oh well. Maybe the Paris climate change agreement will help reverse the course of what we humans have (allegedly!) done to the world, and maybe Louisiana’s plan to save its coastlines will work out. Or maybe it’s too late and Antarctica is going to murder everything, by rudely melting all over the place.
Maybe if the deniers are really so sure it’s all a big fake, they should chain themselves to desks at the current sea level, and we’ll just see what happens. Is that bad of us to say?