zitaDid you know today, April 27, is the feast day of St. Zita, Patron Saint of waiters and waitresses? We did not, but let us celebrate it together!

Given that I’m Jewish, I had to go look up Catholic traditions to even understand what a “patron saint” was, and wow, there’s some interesting stuff in there! Did you know that according to Papal Law, all Catholics are required to slap a goat in the face with a haddock at least three times a week? It’s true! (It is not true.)

St. Zita, meanwhile, is also the Patron Saint of lost keys, in addition to overseeing domestic servants and servers, which means Catholics officially have a saint for EVERYTHING. We’re surprised we didn’t find a “Saint Zebedy, Patron Saint of Those Little Cooking Things That Always Get Stuck In The Drawer, What Do You Call Them.”

Some history: St. Zita was born in Tuscany in 1212, and at age 12 became a servant, because the 13th century suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked. According to Wikipedia, she was “unjustly despised, overburdened, reviled, and often beaten by her employers and fellow servants.” Zita, however, suffered the torrent of abuse in silence and HOLY SHIT, no wonder she’s the Patron Saint of servers. She was eventually placed in charge of the household, and worked her ass off for decades with seemingly no breaks. People still bake bread on her feast day, so go out and make thee some pumpernickel. Or rye, we guess — do Catholics eat rye, or is that just us Jews? Did Pope Eightus XIV declare in 1534 that rye actually killed Jesus or was responsible for the Black Plague? Did the Spanish ever forcibly try to convert rye to sourdough?

We digress. And now, let us all say St. Zita’s Prayer:

Our Manager, who art in the damn office as per usual,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Customers come.
Thy will be done
In FOH, as it is in BOH.
Give us this day our daily tips.
And forgive us our cropdusts,
As we forgive those that cropdust against us.
And lead us not into the weeds,
But deliver us from campers.
For thine is the kingdom,
The power, and the 10-top,
For ever and ever (or until it gets 86’d).
All Day.


Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Waiter, there’s a lost key in my soup.”

    • kareema

      “Shhhhh. Don’t say that so loudly. Everybody will want one.”

  • Nounverb911

    Did St. Zita invent Ziti or Zika?

    • RumAddled

      or Zima?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “St. Elmo got a fire, and St. Vitus got a dance. All I got was a lousy pasta and they didn’t even spell my name right! And don’t even get me started on how St. Rita swiped my recipe for the ‘Margazita’.”

      –St. Zita

  • memzilla

    … she was “unjustly despised, overburdened, reviled, and often beaten by her employers and fellow servants.”

    I didn’t even know there were Olive Garden franchises back then!

  • Nounverb911

    “the Patron Saint of lost keys”
    So the FBI should have just prayed to St. Zita to open the San Bernardino iPhone instead paying a hacker $1.3 Million?

  • My favorite Saint is St. Hubertus, the patron saint of the hunt–which makes ZERO sense because he saw a vision of a stag one day, and at that point became a vegetarian. He should be the patron saint of vegetarians, but I’m a Methodist, so what the fuck do I know? The only reason I know about St. Hubertus is that I’m a French horn player, and he’s been adopted by us since the vegetarians don’t seem to want him.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Did you know that according to Papal Law, all Catholics are required to slap a goat in the face with a haddock at least three times a week?

    Not since Vatican II.

    • Darned liberals always messing with our sacred traditions.

      • Why am I Mr. Pink?

        Make Avignon Great Again! (TM)

    • SayItWithWookies

      Now they can substitute by putting fishsticks in the toaster oven.

  • SessileRaptor

    Clearly the saint of things getting stuck in drawers is St Anoia, get with it Pinkham…

  • I once worked at a kosher bakery, and this really makes me miss the fucking DELICIOUS sourdough rye we baked there. And the challah–I can do those 6-braids in my sleep, and used to, when we had to come in at 4 on Friday mornings to make Shabbat challah.

    • Msmlg1979

      My Mom is an amazing baker. She makes the best sourdough, and cinnamon sourdough with orange glaze. Yum!

    • OddMan

      As a recovered Catholic who loves to bake Jewish, I Tip-my-hat to your braiding skills. Those darn 6-braids are hard to do.

      • The old-school Jewish bakers had this really complicated way of doing them where they started the braid in the middle of the loaf; I never could figure that out. I do it from the end. King Arthur Flour (the Mothership) has a very good video on how to do a six-braid.

    • Frank Underboob

      Oh god, is there anything more delicious than freshly made challah? I really miss living only a 5 minute walk from a really good Jewish bakery.

      • Iron Monkey

        There is a Jewish bakery around the corner from me–I had to change my route so I didn’t walk past it every day or I would weigh 500 pounds. Actually I NEVER walked past it…

        • Frank Underboob

          My local bakery had me screwed because they also made the best boiled bagels I’ve ever tasted.

      • Abyss

        Freshly made challah dipped in chocolate.
        It’s a Greek thing I had in Athens and it was of the God and the Gods.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    According to Wikipedia, she was “unjustly despised, overburdened, reviled, and often beaten by her employers and fellow servants.”

    …I didn’t realize Koch Industries has been around that long?!??

  • Antimassacree

    “Italian marble rye”

    Wheel! Of! Fortune!!!

  • Hutch

    According to the Catholic Encyclopedia (pedophile clearinghouse), St. Zita’s uncle was a guy named Graziano who was a hermit living in the woods and in caves. He was the patron of “will pray for food” signs.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I’m technically catholic and I don’t even know all the damn saints. All I do is say is “blessed be her soul” and keep it moving to happy hour

    • Lily412

      “Keep it moving to happy hour”
      Oh, is that the point in the service where they bring out the wine and snacks?

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Who is the patron saint of vile snark mobs that spend their time creating comments for a site that doesn’t allow them?

    • Hutch

      St. Joan of Snark?

      • Robyn Ryan

        good one. Here.

    • arglebargle

      St. Francis of Ass(isi)

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      St. Dorothy of The Algonquin?

    • Frank Underboob

      St Anthony, patron saint of lost causes.

    • Rick Hill

      Phhtt. Easy one. St. Rebecca of the blessed banhammer and Wonkinatrix of us all.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg


  • TheGrandWaz00

    St. Zita was appointed by Malcolm X, the tenth black Pope.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Catholics worship The Virgin Mary and Christians worship the baby Jesus.
    That’s why the Catholics are all going to hell.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Protestant atheists believe there is no God. Catholic atheists believe “there is no God and Mary is His mother.” *

      * No fair googling.

      • Blank Ron

        I didn’t have to Google it. I was brought up High Anglican. You know, Everything But The Latin™.

        • Robyn Ryan

          All you monotheists look alike to me.

          • Lily412

            I was baptized Lutheran, but it must have been an expired batch of holy water, because it didn’t work.

        • Jamoche

          All the ceremony, but only half the guilt!

  • John Iwaniszek

    Patron Saint Zebedy is the local incarnation of Anoia, Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers.

    • Frank Underboob

      Shit, you beat me to it while I was formatting up my own comment about Anoia. :)

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Fuckest thou!

  • OddMan

    Slightly OT
    Our lovely little statue of St. Clare of Assisi (Patron Saint of Television) sits below our beloved 50″ TV and blesses all of you. And Saint Arnold (Patron Saint of Alcoholics and beer) agrees with Clare.

  • Frank Underboob

    We’re surprised we didn’t find a “Saint Zebedy, Patron Saint of Those Little Cooking Things That Always Get Stuck In The Drawer, What Do You Call Them.”

    Whisks or pasta-scoop/ladle/thingies, at least in my kitchen. Dunno if the Cat-licks have a saint for that, but Terry Pratchett covered it specifically with Anoia, Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers:

    Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers, a minor goddess on the Discworld. When someone rattles a drawer and cries “How can it close on the damned thing but not open with it? Who bought this? Do we ever use it?”, even though the person might be genuinely irritated or even exasperated, it is as praise unto Anoia. Faithful Anoians (worshippers of Anoia) purposefully rattle their drawers and complain every day. Anoia also finds objects that roll under other objects and things stuck in sofa cushions, and is considering handling stuck zippers. She eats corkscrews.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Wow — I’ve belonged to a religion my whole life that I’m just now finding out about.

    • C.A. Pinkham

      I’ve read every Discworld book at least three times, so yes, Anoia was on my mind as I wrote that.

      • Frank Underboob

        Honestly, Anoia is by far my favourite Discworld goddess.

        • I like tomato

          I think I like the one that looked like a penguin from “Small Gods” but I can’t think of her name off hand.

      • Frank Underboob

        Well, be sure to see the Anoia tea-towel ad I posted somewhere in this thread. ;)

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Who’s the patron saint of us Protestants?

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Martin Luther, perhaps?

      • Calli Arcale

        Naw, he’d refuse. Lutheran doctrine is that all believers are saints, and there is a priesthood of all believers. You gotta remember that a lot of the Protestant Reformation wasn’t so much about what to believe as it was about jettisoning a hierarchy that had become an extremely wealthy non-hereditary aristocracy.

        • Robyn Ryan

          It was about killing your neighbor for saying the wrong prayers. Same as today.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            You can’t go wrong with the classics.

          • guppy06

            Trespass and trespassers!

          • Calli Arcale

            Nah, that came a little later, once the Reformation was well enough established to start killing people for saying the wrong prayers. (Cue the 100 Years War.) The reason Luther’s effort succeeded where previous ones hadn’t was because of German nobility who didn’t like paying taxes to Rome, and liked the idea of not being second class citizens in Heaven. Hey, they were important on Earth, they should be important Up There too, right? Why should the Pope or some stupid saints be more important than them? Once it was all firmly established, of course, it became just as obnoxious as what it replaced, because that’s people for you. :-/ “Priesthood of all believers” somehow very quickly became “priesthood of all the believers of the RIGHT things and the others can go hang”.

            I’ve got anti-papist Swedish Covenanters in my lineage. Now those were some obnoxious holy rollers.

        • Skadi

          Funny how those seem to return after every attempt at reform, innit?

    • Blank Ron

      St. All You Apostates Are Going Straight To Hell.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Ah, go sell an indulgence and worship the Pope, ya incense sniffing Latin mumbling fearful Jesuit!

        • Land Shark

          I thought we were mackerel snapping left footers?

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            I thought that was the Greeks. Portugese?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            No no, we’re Papal sucking bead rattlers.

    • Bemused

      St. Jude (hopeless cases). :P

  • baconzgood

    “Do catholics eat rye”

    As an Irish Catholic I can say we DO DRINK rye (a shit load of it in fact). As for eating it…I didn’t know it was a food.

    • Frank Underboob

      It’s a delicious food!

      • baconzgood

        When you cook it how many lbs of bacon do you need for a serving of four? 6? 8? 14?

        • Frank Underboob

          However many you’ve got.

          • CJTX

            That’s the Irish way…there’s not enough for everybody.

        • Calli Arcale


        • Iron Monkey

          Take the amount of bacon you have, divide by 4.

      • Lily412

        Seriously. My default sandwich bread is seeded rye. I only get something different because I suspect the SO gets sick of it.

    • Robyn Ryan

      We Irish are hard to fool.

  • DutchS

    How do you get to be a patron saint? Looks like it all happens at this end. Imagine the scene in Heaven: “Hey, guess what. You’re now the patron saint of Wonkette.” “Are you $***ing me? I already have my hands full with Philips screwdrivers, chunky peanut butter, and sick goldfish. Why don’t you stick Saint Coprophagous with it? His schedule is wide open.”

    • rbloom

      I think Wonkette should get St. Hilarius.
      (Really. There’s a St. Hilarius. Even better, he was a pope! I was really hoping Bergoglio would take the name Pope Hilarius II and push pastoral care on the stand-up circuit. But no. Sigh.)

    • xhris

      I’m really very curious as to what exactly one would pray to Saint Coprophagous for.

      • Frank Underboob

        Good digestion, & no gag reflex, probably.

      • guppy06


  • baconzgood

    Us catholics only know a few saints (say about 50 that we can recall from Catholic school). I have a book called “The Dictionary of Saints” it’s as thick as the yellow pages. In fact there are probally 700 saints named Francis alone. I’m sure there is a patron saint of really satisfying poos and a saint for waking up with out having that crusty eye goop.

    • Calli Arcale

      Despite being Lutheran (and thus officially regarding everyone as a saint), I have a copy of that book! I got it as a prize for “most historically accurate reliquary” at an SCA event based around the Canterbury Tales about 25 years ago. (I knitted a reproduction of a 14th Century Swiss relic purse, a chart for which I stumbled upon in a book about the history of knitting.)

    • CJTX

      I always wondered if there was like a “Saints wiki”. I’m not Catholic, but most of my city is, so that means most of my friends/coworkers/girlfriends/classmates are. I’m not a believer, but sort of endlessly fascinated by it.

  • Mpeg

    Is there a designated saint I can pray to for Prince songs, Sheila E tunes and such continually playing in my head? They’re very listenable but after not much longer I fear they’ll bore like earworms into my skull…

  • Land Shark

    As opposed to Saint Ziti, the patron saint of cheese encrusted pasta dishes.

    • Bitter Scribe

      You stole my joke, by posting it 30 minutes before I thought of it. Thanks a lot.

      • Land Shark

        Don’t worry … I regurgitated the joke as well. It was posted waaaaay earlier in the thread.

  • Major_Major_Major

    I believe St. Zebedy’s position is occupied by Anoia, the goddess of things that get stuck in drawers.

  • Mpeg

    Today is also National Administrative Professional recognition day, also known as Arent You Glad You’re No Longer Called A “Secretary” Day, fwiw…

    • Spotts1701

      We gave our admin assistant flowers and an iTunes card, and the department leadership cooked up a breakfast for them. Twas nice.

  • Me not sure

    “St. Hubbins?… He was the patron saint of quality footwear.”

    • guppy06

      Can he and Zita get together and coordinate some time? Because being on your feet all day… euuughhh!

  • HanBarbara

    Is she the Saint of Shit I Keep Tripping Over Until I Actually Need It, Then I Can’t Find It?

    • Robyn Ryan

      No, she is the god you pray to to unstick kitchen drawers. Appointed Supreme god of Discworld in “Small Gods.”

      • Frank Underboob

        The Goddess Anoia, in fact.

  • Frank Underboob

    Ooh! I found a picture of Anoia on a tea-towel, that you can buy!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “Guard our drawers”? Now we know who Bristol should have been praying to.

    • CJTX

      Mom’s birthday shopping done!

  • georgiaburning

    Technology expands so much faster than new saints are canonized that all of them are multitasking. There’s no “eternal rest” for patron saints, they spend eternity listening to peoples’ problems in fields that they’re totally clueless about. It’s like a working in a bad tech support call center or an airport bar.

    • Robyn Ryan

      In other words, Purgatory. Ummmmm…. think I’ll stick to happy Pagan dances….

  • dslindc

    Slap a goat with a haddock? I always thought Catholics were supposed to make the sign of the cross over a grasshopper on every other Wednesday, but then, I’m not Catholic either.

  • timpundit

    So what? No fucking baked Saint Zita?

    • Lily412

      You’re thinking of Saint Pita.

    • Jim Peale

      Nice Sopranos reference…

      • timpundit

        Someone got it!

  • Toomush_Infer

    I forget – who’s the patron saint of shit you just had a moment ago? Because, if I could remember that saint…..

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Probably Anthony, patron saint of lost items, cops, and archaeologists.
      Dude does a serious triple duty, so it makes sense he’d be the saint of the shit you just had a moment ago.

      • Nezrite

        My family is fallen-away Unitarian but we still use the prayer to St. Anthony to find lost items. While turning slowly in a circle, recite this prayer. When you are finished reciting, you will be facing the direction of the lost item:

        Tony, Tony,
        Look around
        Something’s lost
        That must be found!

        • Downriverite

          My favorite recitation to a saint is Mother Cabrini, the patron saint of travelers. So when you need a taxi, you say:

          Mother Cabrini,
          Send a machini

          • Calli Arcale

            Long ago, when I was in the SCA (Canton of Nordleigh, Barony of Nordskogen), there was a running joke that travelers heading to an event must pray to Saint Anthony of Kellogg. This was because a car had broken down on Kellogg Blvd in St Paul en route to an event in St Anthony. The car began to function again, so the miracle was confirmed.

            Saint Anthony of Kellogg, by the way, is obviously properly represented by a large anthropomorphic cartoon tiger. ;-)

          • Robyn Ryan

            Scratch a Catholic, find a witch. Charms and spells. Both are all about the charms and spells. And rituals. Happy Beltane!

        • Robyn Ryan

          My mother swore by it. I don’t, except when I give up. Then it works. But a little respect…”Dear St. Anthony, please come ’round”.

    • CJTX

      As an unbeliever, I’d like to know if there is a patron saint for the following:
      “Why did I come in this room?”
      “What was I saying?”
      “What was that guy’s name? You know, that guy. The guy!?”

      If so, I may have to convert.

  • OneDemin EOr

    Here’s a novena to St. Zita for you heathens:
    And yes, there’s a patron saint for just about everything.
    Goat-slapping with a haddock occurs on Tuesdays during Holy Week.
    No more fish on Fridays, except during Lent.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Stupid Vatican 2 taking away my friday fish feasts.

      Edit: True story; I STILL tend to do fish on fridays. I do not know why, I do not even like fish. But friday seems to me a day for something from the sea, like Saturday is pizza day.

      • Nezrite

        I believe you mean 2 Vatican.

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        Fish on Friday – my local Thai house has a stellar curry fish every Friday on the lunch buffet. Tragically, never the same day as the Tom Kha Gai…

      • MausFeet

        Me too, old halibuts die hard.

        • Robyn Ryan


      • I AM R U

        My step-dad still does fish on Fridays. It’s annoying.

  • guppy06

    Our Manager, who art in the damn office as per usual,

    As opposed to the Owner, who needs to Stay. The Fuck. Back. There.

  • EvPa

    In Greek Orthodoxy you have Saint Euphrosynos the Cook who is also related to the topic at hand. His feast is on 9/11 though…

    • Robyn Ryan

      too soon. sort of…. not….

  • goddessoftransitory

    Now say Ten Hail Line Cooks and you’re set.

    • Jamoche

      Hail Line Cook, full of grease, the lard be with you.

      • RO37

        Blessed art thou amongst the yellers
        And Blessed be the fruit of thy pans, burgers.

  • CJTX

    Can I upvote a post?
    “unjustly despised, overburdened, reviled, and often beaten by her employers and fellow servants.”
    Yep – that sounds like a server alrighty.

    • Frank Underboob

      You can upvote a post by clicking on the heart icon just above the comments.

  • phoenix00
  • Odd Jørgensen

    “Saint Zebedy, Patron Saint of Those Little Cooking Things That Always Get Stuck In The Drawer, What Do You Call Them.”

    He would be in good company
    Rattle thine drawers!

  • bobbert

    It’s too late to read all the ephemeral comments, but it seems clear that Ste Zita has been confused with Anoeia.

  • Bill Slider

    I thought Zita was a virus brought to us by mosquitoes, not a Saint brought to us by the Sky Puppet.

    • Robyn Ryan

      Where reality enters into mythology.

  • SeeTrain65
Previous articleAmmon Bundy’s Legal Defense Exactly As Sane As Every Other Bundy Legal Theory
Next articleInbred Alabama Hicks Can’t Even Spell Why They Hate Transgenders So Much