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Welcome back to Off The Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories from my email inbox. For our last Wonkette Off The Menu, we bring you stories of fantastic restaurant managers and where to find them (not really the latter, we just really like Harry Potter). As always, these are real emails from real readers.

As noted, this will be the last iteration of Off The Menu to appear on Wonkette. The series is not disappearing, though! Starting next Monday, May 2, you’ll be able to find it in its new home at Thrillist. As for me, I’ll still be here too, doing snarky posts on Wonkette.

All right, let’s do this, one last time.

Jack Miner:

I worked in a local, small restaurant outside of Atlanta that had a very busy lunch rush. I mostly worked in the kitchen, but occasionally when we were down a server I would pull some double duty and help in the front after I finished prep work. On one such day, we were particularly slammed with two servers out sick, people waiting for tables for 45 minutes, and the owner donning an apron to help in the kitchen. I was sent out onto the floor to help wait tables, and the lunch rush went well until one table arrived.

From the moment the four-top of genteel, middle-aged Southern belles sat down, I knew I was in for a rough time. They were extremely loud and obnoxious, to the point that other customers gave them the stink-eye. On top of that, they had been shopping, entering with an armful of unwieldy bags, and asked me to “be a dear and get those out of the way for us.” I agreed to help, handed them menus and took the bags. It was a small restaurant, so the only place we had to store anything was behind and under the counter. I then returned to the kitchen to deliver food to other table orders. The second I walked out of the kitchen, loaded down with food, one of the ladies started snapping her fingers at me. I nodded, said, “one moment please,” and delivered the food. Arriving at the four-top, I was told that I shouldn’t keep them waiting and they needed wine NOW since they already had to wait for a table. I apologized, took their orders, and went to get the wine immediately. After pouring, I was asked, “see, was that so hard?” I ignored the condescension, but it kept going. They remained loud and obnoxious, making extremely inappropriate comments, including subtly racist and overtly homophobic ones. They snapped their fingers to get my attention for more water or more tea despite the fact that a glass was never drained; questions about why the food was taking so long were met with snorts and eye-rolling when I apologized and proffered excuses for the delays. I was pleasant, kind, and apologetic — no other tables complained about the service. I even comped the group two free appetizers for their “trouble.”

Nothing I did helped their mood, and they finally decided they had had enough when I delivered the meal, within about 30-40 minutes of ordering.”It is about time, but I am not happy,” the make-up-caked gargoyle leading the group of the women sneered. “Your service has been pathetic. We have been ignored and have been left here to STARVE! I want to see a manager! NOW!” Other tables started staring, open-mouthed at the interaction.

I went back into the kitchen to tell the owner about it. The owner, obviously pissed that she had to deal with this situation during the lunch rush while we were short-staffed, went out front to listen to the complaints.

The leader, with her southern Stepford clones nodding their heads, began to recount all of the atrocities committed against them — long waits, delayed drinks, lukewarm food, and poor service. My owner listened quietly and politely until they started in on me: “You really shouldn’t have incompetent people working for you who are obviously incapable of doing the job even a monkey can do.”

“DO NOT EVER TALK ABOUT MY STAFF IN MY RESTAURANT LIKE THAT AGAIN OR I WILL TOSS YOU OUT ON YOUR ASS!” I should mention that my boss and owner was a 5’2″, 100 pound woman.

Shocked, the table gasped and the leader stated, “I don’t think I will ever eat here again!” My owner responded, “You don’t have to eat here NOW,” and picked up all of the plates on the table, which had barely been touched and threw everything, plates and all, directly into the trash. The group stood up, mumbling angry comments, and shuffled out of the restaurant.

After a moment, I realized that they had forgotten their shopping bags. I told my boss, who grabbed some and handed me the rest from behind the counter. We walked to the back porch of the restaurant where the parking lot was located and found the group standing fuming about their treatment and probably figuring out what to do next. My boss yelled, “Hey ladies, you forgot your shit,” and slung the bags off the porch in the general direction of the group, landing in the parking lot, scattering the bags and contents on the gravel. I was stunned, and before I could even move, she grabbed the bags in my hand and threw them after the first. “DON’T EVER COME BACK AGAIN!” she yelled, and then mumbled “assholes” as she walked back into the kitchen.

To this day, she is still the best boss I have ever had.

Emily Litman

I started at one restaurant as an assistant manager with no experience, so the first month was basically me filling in for people who didn’t show up, so I got some experience waiting tables, bartending, expediting. It helped me learn the business faster and I think the staff warmed up to me seeing I had no problem bussing tables.

It also taught me that the customer is not always right. So when one of our most reliable waitresses called me over, I was ready. A couple had come in and the husband had ordered a burger well done. It was a 10 oz burger cooked to order, so this did take a few minutes. Apparently, he started complaining IMMEDIATELY after ordering that it was taking too long. Finally, he demanded to speak to the manager. I looked up the order and the time and saw that a mere five minutes had passed.

So I went through the whole shpiel. Our burgers are 10 oz of choice beef, cooked to order, and a well done burger takes a while to cook. After calling the server an idiot, and me ugly, he stood up and pointed to the McDonald’s across the street.

“I’m paying TEN DOLLARS for this fucking burger. I could have it faster and cheaper at McDonald’s!”

“Well sir, I suggest you go to McDonald’s instead.”

The wait staff loved me after that.

Alan Reynolds

The summer before I went off to college I worked in a Panera Bread. I did a little of everything from making food to restocking things to handling customer complaints. All in all, it was a pretty good job for a high school kid, and I was happy to have it.

The single dumbest customer experience I had was when I was changing a light bulb. Most Paneras have a track of small spotlights above the soda machine. Towards the end of the lunch rush, my manager asked me if I would please swap out a dead bulb for a replacement. I grabbed the ladder and replacement bulb and made my way over. I placed the ladder in front of the soda machine and climbed to the top with a rag and the new bulb.

As I was unscrewing the old bulb through the rag (looking back on it, I’m not sure why I had the rag), I felt my legs shake. I looked down to see a woman trying to lift the ladder up and move it over to the side…while I was on it. In her hand was an empty soda cup. She was of average size so she couldn’t pick up a full sized ladder with a 190 lb. guy on it so she was trying to jerk it, bit by bit, with me still on it.

“What are you doing?” I yelled at her. She looked up while still jerking the ladder and said “I need to get my soda.” I lost my temper pretty quick (I was on one of the top rungs holding glass, and this woman couldn’t wait to get her sugar water), and I yelled “are you kidding me?”

By this point my boss (good guy) had come over and asked what was going on. The woman looks at him and again says “I need to get my soda,” gesturing with her head towards her cup. “Can it wait?” he asked. She just stared at him. To his credit, he took her cup, crawled down to reach under the ladder and gave her a glass of Pepsi with ice. She didn’t say another word and walked away. My boss stood at the base of the ladder, held it, and waited for me to finish and climb down.

He then said to me, “sometimes I really wonder how some of these people make it through their everyday lives.”

[Editor’s Note: You and me both, man.]

Elena O’Malley

I work at a pretty nice seasonal restaurant on Cape Cod that’s right on the water. It’s super overpriced, but all the rich tourists love it because they can dock their yachts right outside.

Last summer I was working a rehearsal dinner that was supposed to be 32 people. During the cocktail hour at the beginning, we gradually had to add more chairs because more people kept showing up. All the tables in the restaurant are square and seat four, although some have leafs that flip up to make rounds, so originally we had two long rows of tables with 16 chairs at each. I can’t remember exactly how we finagled it, but at one point we flipped up some leafs, and at another point we added in the last extra table in the restaurant. It wouldn’t have been that big of a deal, but it was a Saturday night in July and the restaurant was fully booked, so when the 8th and 9th extra guests showed up, we had to take a table from another server’s section which was unfair to her and a pain in the ass. These people, however, seemed to think it was no biggie.

Finally, it’s time for appetizers so everyone is seated and luckily they don’t look too crowded. Then another couple walks in (WTF?! There’s no way they didn’t know all these peeps were coming ahead of time). Now we’re in a pinch, because we have exhausted all our options for more seating. I walk over to the one place where I think it could work (there is a family with several kids at this end of the table, who I figure can scoot closer together). I politely say to the woman sitting there (sister of the groom), “Excuse me, would you mind scooting down just a little bit so I can fit some extra chairs here?” I was not expecting any objection, so when the woman stared at me blankly and answered “No.” I was taken aback.

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience, it really won’t take up too much space if everyone slides down just a little bit.”

In a nice slow, condescending tone she says, “I said no, so go find somewhere else.”

Now, I look young for my age, so I’m used to customers trying to talk to me like some dumb teen that doesn’t know anything. “I would put them somewhere else if I could, but this is the only place where it could work.”

“I’m sitting here with my family and I’m not going to be separated from my family,” she retorts, as if this is a lifeboat on the Titanic or something.

I explained to her that she wouldn’t be separated from her family and that I could even put the new chairs at the other end of the table away from her, but her family would still need to scoot closer together in order to make space, to which she responds, “I’m not moving, so it looks like you need to go get another table.” I was so in shock of this lady’s blatant rudeness I didn’t know what to say. I took a long pause before quietly explaining, “We actually used our last extra table for you guys earlier, I’m sorr- ” She looks up at me with the angriest mom face, points at me and says, “I don’t think you heard me. I said, get. Another. Table.”

What I wanted to say: “I’M AN ADULT, DON’T POINT YOUR BONY LITTLE SOCCER MOM FINGER AT ME.”

What I manage to say: “You know what? Good.”

I walk away dumbfounded and get my manager Beth. Never have I been so thankful to have such a crazy person for a manager. Beth goes over and wastes no time giving this woman her options, slide this way and let me put chairs here, or slide that way and let me put chairs down there, either way you need to move so that all the guests of the couple can be seated­ – just on her A game in terms of being aggressive but in a really friendly sounding voice. As crazy lady goes on about “The rude little waitress” who “seems to think” there’s no more tables (all while I’m standing right there, observing the zero available tables we have), Beth just starts pushing the extra chairs in until the lady has no choice but to move, lest she get her dainty little toes crushed. Finally, Beth says, “I just can’t believe you’re acting this way on such a special day,” and calmly walks off. I struggle not to laugh out loud.

Crazy lady sits there pouting and glaring at me all dinner, and no one ever apologizes for her behavior. I still have waitressing terrors (aka work nightmares) about this woman. My consolation prize was that when she finally stopped her sulking to bark an order for a glass of pinot grigio during dessert, I ordered that shit on her drunk husband’s tab, chugged it myself out back and “forgot” to bring her anything.

Greg Danvers

I was working as an assistant manager at a pizza place and cleaning inspections are coming up. I was just transferred to a much busier store for them to see if I could handle it, so I was trying hard to get everything right.

The district manager had come in the previous night and made a list of different things I needed to take care of for the upcoming inspection. I come in the next morning to find some post-its around the store of things I need to do, which is pretty typical, but I stop dead in my tracks as I walk by the prep table …

There was a small hole in the wall where we used to have a knife rack mounted, but had recently removed it. The note had an arrow pointing to it saying: “Fill this hole with cock.”

I could not stop laughing. I call my manager and tell him what she wrote and he cracked up as well. I shoot her a text and tell her that it’s a pretty small hole, and I don’t think I can manage it. She tells me to just go to home depot and pick up a “cocking gun.” I’m dying.

The next time she comes in, I show her the CAULK and point out that it is spelled C-A-U-L-K. She pauses for a second and just bursts out laughing like a madman. We all laugh, tears are running down her face and she’s just hysterical. At least she had a good sense of humor about it.

Nicole Purcell

I worked for years for a small non-profit that had been operating since the 1980s and was always in financial trouble. Work events were rare and never lavish, but they always threw a fairly nice Holiday party in December.

The founder of the company was still the president, and was in her early 80s and pretty feisty. She was also a creature of habit, and was deeply devoted to a local restaurant and ate there every day, and had done so for as long as anyone could remember. Every work lunch meeting was held there, gift certificates for the restaurant were given out for employee recognition, etc.

The place had probably felt fancy at some point but the dark wood, velvet wallpaper, and gold statuary felt thirty years out of fashion. Even the menu felt like holdovers from another century (tuna salad in a hollowed-out tomato, creamed corn or stewed tomatoes as side dishes, etc.). The food was middling but not expensive, and the restaurant was usually busy at lunchtime with retirees eating their pickled beets. The staff was always kind and attentive. My boss loved it there and was on a first-name basis with every server and the manager.

Every year this restaurant would host our Holiday party, even though they were not really set-up to accommodate large groups. We’d have 50-60 people there, and they’d have to close off two of their small dining rooms for us, and even then we’d be packed in wall-to-wall. The company paid for our entrees (picked out a week before from a few options) and our first drink, but the employees could (and almost always did) continue to drink on their own dime. Even with all their wait staff on duty it took a long time to get everyone served, but that was expected, as the party would go for about three hours and we’d have things like employee awards and speeches between courses. And, hey, we were getting free food and drink and the afternoon off work. It was nice.

My last year there, the holiday party was going on as usual when a commotion rang out on the other side of the dining room. A woman from my work (who I didn’t know, as she was both new and in another department) stood up and literally began screaming, at the top of her lungs, at her waitress. She was horrified by the food (which she did not pay for) and wanted her plate remade. She was extremely angry that her food took so long to come out (along with the other 60 entrees). Her drink (which she also did not pay for) was watery. The abuse was torrential, personal, and profane.

The waitress kept trying to apologize, but was eventually reduced to tears as this woman berated her at full volume for at least two or three minutes, in front of her entire company. Those around her seemed shocked, and then embarrassed, and finally tried gently to intervene, though I think people were hesitant to draw her fire. I could see people looking around for our company’s president, but she was in the bathroom.

I have no idea what this woman was trying to accomplish, since there was no way to comp a meal she didn’t pay for, and she was adamantly not accepting an apology. I have to assume she just wanted to make someone cry.

The waitress was finally able to flee back to the kitchen and our party continued. The president came back, everyone ate, and the waitress (red-eyed and sniffling) continued to serve.

After the party I was helping pack a few things up when the restaurant manager came in, sweating bullets, to talk to the company president. He wanted to apologize for his service and see what he could do to make it up to us. I could tell he was worried the restaurant was going to have to refund part of the party fee. This was the first my boss had heard of the dust-up, and called me over and a couple other people to find out what had happened. We related what we heard, and my boss was livid. An employee insulting her waitress! At her restaurant! At her party!

Long story short, the yelling woman was called in at work the next day and written up for behaving so badly at a work function. She didn’t last much longer than that, because of her attitude problems.

So this is the true story of a customer abusing a waitress, and the customer getting fired.

Send Moar Stories!

Do you have a restaurant, home-cooking, or any other food-adjacent story you’d like to see appear in Off the Menu (on ANY subject, not just this one)? Please e-mail WilyUbertrout@gmail.com with “Off the Menu” in the subject line (or you can find me on Twitter @EyePatchGuy). Submissions are always welcome!

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  • chiefkurtz

    Loved the first story, I had a situation like that once, where they complained constantly, and when their food arrived later than they were happy with, the manager took all their entrees before they could start eating and said, ‘I”m sorry, we won’t burden you with any further inconvenience’, and invited them to leave without having touched their entrees, comping them their drinks. I think it was the last thing they expected. They tried to bring up ‘fairness’, and he said they could pay for their drinks if they thought would be fair.

    • SDGeoff

      Excellent.

    • Aleria Snow

      I’ve never understood why people are surprised that they have to wait longer for their food when a restaurant is swamped. I also don’t understand why they think being rude about it will in anyway help the situation.

      I love your manager.

      • edith prickly

        They are not being rude to help, they are rude to let everyone know how much more important they are than the people who ordered food before them.

        • Aleria Snow

          Probably true in public settings. I was also thinking about in non public settings where people just go off on the first person they get on the phone when their cable or something goes out.

      • commatoes

        The one thing I always say to any server/barista that apologizes for taking too long when swamped is, “You never have to apologize for being busy. It is beyond your control.” A woman the other day at Starbucks, complained that her complicated as fuck Frappucino, was served after my double espresso when she ordered immediately before me. Evidently, it was a personal slight against her.

        • chiefkurtz

          I know that woman, her name is Diabetes H.I. Come.

          • Aleria Snow

            That or Caramel Gollum. Must have the precioussssss.

        • Aleria Snow

          Oh I fucking hated Frappucino orders when I worked at Starbucks. I still remember the assholes who seemed to think that their orders should come out in the exact order they were placed no matter how complicated the order happened to be. Pulling two shots of espresso takes a minute. Mixing God knows how many ingredients together in a blender is definitely going to take longer than that.

          I’m guessing the order involved lots and lots of caramel.

          • justifiable

            A truckload.

          • Aleria Snow

            One of my favorite movies.

          • commatoes

            There is a fairly “corpulent” woman that I see routinely, that orders a Frap, that has so many frickin’ additions that it fills a venti cup and almost a full tall cup. She then asks for whipped cream/dome lids on both then walks out. She is the kind of person (I have heard her try this) that tries to weasel out a lower price by saying, “The other Starbucks don’t charge me for that.” I feel like saying, “They must like you or something. The baristas here just tolerate your existence.”

          • Aleria Snow

            I always loved when people tried to pull that crap and would name a store in the same division as our store. I knew they were lying because our Division Manager had rules about certain extras and how much we were supposed to charge for them. I was always very happy to inform them of this policy. Our store manager pretty much always had our backs on stuff like that.

        • Meowzza

          Anyone who orders a frappucino should have to wait extra long so they can think about what they’ve done.

  • Nounverb911

    Wait! What? Nice people are allowed on the Wonkette? What is the world coming to?

    • natoslug

      Don’t worry, the day is young. It won’t be long before a story about Someone (R, Dumbfuckistan) will be at the top of the fold.

  • Onomatopeon

    Rule of thumb: People who snap their fingers to get the attention of others should have their fingers snapped.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Good closer, Ubertrout. Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish that swim! *makes hand motion*

    • xy

      it’s not like he’s dying. just moving this great column to an annoying site that is dumb instead of a cool site like Wonkette.

      oh god, he’s not dying is he?

      • Jonny On Maui

        I have some horrible news for you. Are you sitting down?

        We’re all dying. Some just faster than others…

        • xy

          that’s more pessimistic than i like to be. or not pessimistic enough. i forget.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I know. What day of the week is it?

            Could flip it, go optimistic, “It’ll all be over soon!”

  • goonemeritus

    Anybody that believes the customer is always right has never worked in the food industry. While I value civility as much as the next guy sometimes telling entitled pricks to take their business somewhere else is the right move.

    • dead_elvis, inc.

      The corollary to “the customer isn’t always right” is “the customer is usually an entitled douchenugget who hasn’t been put in his place nearly as often as he deserves”.

    • Zyxomma

      Anyone who believes the customer is always right has never worked in ANY retail business.

  • coozledad

    I used to work at Val’s Upstairs, a restaurant/bar in Durham NC. It was a great place to work, because of the boss, Val Rosenquist, She’s in the news today:
    http://www.joemygod.com/2016/04/25/charlotte-united-methodist-church-holds-same-sex-wedding-in-protest-of-anti-lgbt-policy-video/

    • Abhi Myadam

      Just read it
      She sounds like an awesome person

    • Jennaratrix

      I know way more about the UMC rift than I really should as an atheist because my mom is, unfortunately, on the wrong side of that fight and very involved in church council. To my shame. Good on your former boss, though.

  • memzilla

    So this is the true story of a customer abusing a waitress, and the customer getting fired.

    *snf* This is almost enough to restore my faith in G-d. I say “almost” because WHAT KIND OF UNIVERSE has Prince dead and Cheney alive?

    • VeggieTart

      The fact that David Bowie is dead and Ted Nugent is still alive is enough evidence for me that there is no god. That Prince is also dead also confirms it.

      • MarkM

        The fact that he would take Prince and let that worthless fuck Nugent live is proof of his sadism, if he exists.

        • VeggieTart

          Well, the next time someone claims that “God is good,” you can tell them that.

      • Jonny On Maui

        It could go the other way. Maybe god just wanted a really jammin’ ‘live’ concert…

        Like the authors, good music never dies…

        • commatoes

          Nugent’s music is suitable for the elevator to hell… or an NRA convention. I can’t say which is worse.

          • Jonny On Maui

            There’s actually some of Ted’s music that I like. If I’ve got some heavy, hard core work to do, slapping on the headphones and cranking Hammerdown seems to make the work go faster.

            You may start the shaming and shunning now…

          • commatoes

            Whenever I hear his music, I cannot keep his vile political diatribes out of my head.

            It is like accidentally seeing your parents have sex. You’re just not the same ever again.

          • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

            When I was a young teen my BFF and I were big Ted Nugent fans ( mid-late 1970’s) Until we saw him live. Set off both our Creep-o-Meters. That loincloth. That oiled up hairless body. Just ew.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Now I’m glad I never saw him live!

          • Aleria Snow

            The elevator to hell would be the elevator to an NRA convention I think.

      • Amy!

        Honestly, I figure the fact that Cheney and Nugent continue their worthless, paltry existence, while Bowie and Prince have been ‘called home’ is as close to proof to existence of God as we’ll ever get.

        “Yo, Peter. Who do we have today?”
        “Oh Lord of Heaven, Todd is—”
        “Oh, fuck no. No. Just no! Are you hearing me?”
        “Yes, oh Lord. But we don’t have anyone else ….”
        “Hey, have you ever heard Suffragette City? Or Always Crashing in the Same Car, now there’s some classic tuneage. I’ve been wanting that guy here forever, know what I’m saying, Pete?”
        “Lord, yes. Errr, I mean, yes, oh Lord. But he’s not due for—”
        “Peter. Do we need to have the ‘infallibility’ talk again? Hmmm?”
        “Lord, I ….” (deep breath) “Oh, Lord, what about the albums he’s yet to produce?”
        (slow glare) “Peter. Want to do some research on ‘exclusive releases’? Again? Or do you wanna get the concert hopping already?”
        “Yes, oh Lord. Thy will be done. Thy Ziggy be doomed.”

        • VeggieTart

          Then God is cruel. Why, why would he take them away from us and leave us with the useless humans who spread misery?

    • MsAnthropesMr

      I thought Cheney was undead.

      • commatoes

        To please the shareholders of his former company, his heart is both made and powered by petrochemicals.

    • Creepoman

      Mr. Death, I know you’ve got plans and all, but can you please keep your hands off Stevie Wonder?

      • Kickstart

        I though we were saving Stevie Nicks. At least that was all over my FB feed this weekend.

        • I think Madonna’s next

          • Zyxomma

            She’s still alive? Why?

    • the kind where someone can buy a black-market liver transplant. Or was it a heart transplant? I forget, a doctor I know claims that he was a low priority patient based on his overall health & either pulled strings or actually paid it.

  • Me not sure

    Wife will soooo miss you here, as will I. We will find you elsewhere. Good luck.

  • ncasolobp

    Will there be comments in the new location? I come for the stories and stay for the comments.

    • SessileRaptor

      It’s facebook commenting, so likely no.

      • ncasolobp

        Ewwwwwwww

        • Pickwicknext

          Agreed!

          • Onomatopeon

            One would think that having your full name, picture, and personal info attached to a comment would make people mind their manners and act like decent human beings.

            One would be wrong. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

          • sw19womble

            Hasn’t stopped people on Facebook before.

          • SessileRaptor

            Yup, you just get the added bonus that the assholes can stalk you.

          • Pickwicknext

            Just what I always wanted!

          • Onomatopeon

            Oh yay! I’m surprised they haven’t found a way to monetize that yet.

            “For only five dollars a month, we can stop this pesky stalker problem you have.”

          • don’t give them any ideas, sounds exactly like something they’d come up with

          • cafiene

            This. I’m cafiene on eBay, jez and discus, probably still on irc too… I’m only me on Facebook and never shall commenting and me happen outside that place.

          • justifiable

            Guys, rlly – it ain’t that hard. Create an accomodation, anonymous, FB profile that suits your current handle. The only thing is that FB insists on a last name, but you’re a creative bunch – that won’t stop you.

          • WAIT – you mean I can LIE on the internet?

      • Abyss

        Oh.
        Fuck.

  • Frank Underboob

    As I was unscrewing the old bulb through the rag (looking back on it, I’m not sure why I had the rag)

    In case the bulb was still hot, or breaks while you’re unscrewing it. It’s also a good idea when you’re screwing in the new bulb, because people rarely think to switch off a blown light, & you can burn yourself on the new bulb if it lights up while you’re screwing it in.

    • Pickwicknext

      Light bulbs- the one time “Have you tried turning it off and back on again?” Is not likely to fix the problem

  • JustPixelz

    “My boss stood at the base of the ladder, held it, and waited for me to finish [changing the bulb] and climb down.

    How many Panera employees does it take to change a light bulb? Two, sometimes.

    • Pickwicknext

      In a workplace, it should always be two if a ladder is involved. Health & Safety moment of the day

      • Abyss

        Now you know!

      • Jonny On Maui

        Three if the ladder involved is twice as tall as any one person…

    • SessileRaptor

      Two, one to change the lightbulb and one to protect the lightbulb changer from being killed by idiot customers.

      • sw19womble

        Customers, passers-by, any semi-public place where there’s even a remote chance of (the ladder making) contact with another human being.

        • commatoes

          Did you see that? That employee almost made me spill my drink while they were only MILDLY concussed. They should have put up a sign that read “Please refrain from being a TOTAL douche nozzle while someone is up the latter. Thank you, The Management.” Now was that so hard?

          • dead_elvis, inc.

            Look at you, expecting idiots to read and understand things directed at them. So cute!

  • Frank Underboob

    So this is the true story of a customer abusing a waitress, and the customer getting fired.

    *Sniffle!* What a lovely story!

    • commatoes

      Frank Capra will direct the film adaptation

      • Frank Underboob

        And it will become a treasured holiday season classic.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    I think after the screamy woman from the last story left that company, she came and worked with me for a while. Why do some people feel the need to be assholes to no beneficial ends, I will never understand. Anyway, nobody liked her at that company either, and she got her ass promptly fired.

    • commatoes

      I am suddenly reminded of that quote by Milton in “Paradise Lost”. “Better to rule in Hell, than serve in Heaven.” Maybe screamy woman is trying to create a “hell” to become her personal fiefdom.

      • justifiable

        Nah, it’s more like “why be difficult, when with a little more effort you can be totally impossible?”

  • Onomatopeon

    As I won’t be transitioning to the new site (screw Facebook commenting), I bid you all farewell. May your comments always remain on fleek and the bird of paradise spit up your ass (or whatever it’s supposed to do).

    Seriously, though, I’ll miss you all.

    • natoslug

      New site? Facebook commenting? Huh what now?

      • natoslug

        Dammit! It was mentioned in the appetizer preamble, which I skipped to get to the main course.

      • Onomatopeon

        This particular series is moving to Thrillist, which uses Facebook commenting. Facebook commenting on blogs is absolute garbage. Aside from having a horrendous lack of moderation, it’s a tool for the site to hoover up gobs of user data for advertising purposes.

        • Jamoche

          Facebook commenting is proof that making people use their real names does *not* lead to any improvement in the commenting levels.

          • Onomatopeon

            So true. I had always subscribed to the theory that anonymity was the big problem with the internet. While I still think that’s a problem from a discourse perspective, there’s clearly something deeper that leads to the incredible level of dickishness.

            Maybe it’s the impression that one has a pedestal and a captive audience and no feedback from said audience.

          • commatoes

            It seems that some people take ownership/are proud of being a dick when their name is attached. It is somewhat like a-hole customers that look around for affirmation when they are being dicks i.e. eyes scanning the crowd while saying “Can you believe this?”

        • cafiene

          Funny how years ago, we were told not to use our real names, say where we lived or anything else that could possibly identify us for security; 20 years later, we are supposed to comment using our real life profiles. I keep mine pretty locked down, but something slips through every once in a while and I’m not deleting the 82 kabillion pictures of my kid and home just to be sure of my privacy on an open forum. And I have a second fb account but don’t remember how to sign in.

    • SessileRaptor

      Pinkham is still going to be posting articles to this site, just not OTM.

      • Pickwicknext

        I enjoy his writing, but the monday prelunch hangout was always fun

        • sw19womble

          The few whiny dickwads, loudly complaining about the ambience that went with their free entertainment, not so much.
          Ironic, given most of the articles they came for were full of rude obnoxious customers, but there’s none so blind….

          • Pickwicknext

            I followed Pinkham from the previous cesspool, & ended up liking it so much here, I am now an ad-fewer subscriber!

          • sw19womble

            Well, a belated welcome to you, then! :)
            And yeah, adblock and a little donation (let alone ad-fewer option if you’re happy with the service) isn’t exactly rocket science.

          • Pickwicknext

            But it is rocket surgery

          • Frank Underboob

            But it is rocket surgery

            I once removed a rocket’s gall-bladder.

          • Pickwicknext

            Well now that rocket won’t get stones so it’s probably happier

          • Abyss

            Rocket overpopulation is an understated problem.

          • Abyss

            I neutered a rocket once.

          • Frank Underboob

            Ditto. (Well, not literally an ad-fewer subscriber, because I subscribed prior to the ad-fewer option, & can’t be arsed to jump through all the hoops to switch over.)

          • rebecca

            now my hurt feelings are all better! :D

          • ditto

          • rebecca

            it always hurt my feelings :(

          • Aleria Snow

            I love Wonkette, and I really don’t understand where people are getting that the quality of the stories for this column have dropped since coming here.

      • Onomatopeon

        I’ll still read some of his stuff, but I don’t comment on political stuff. My heart just isn’t in it. I also mirror Pickwicknext’s comment.

    • 50plymouth

      Me too. I’m stuck though – I’m probably going to end up joining FB because of this plus a local history research project I’m working on; hopefully I can set up a limited access account?

      • sw19womble

        Register using a separate, standalone email – like gmx.com – with A Name *cough* and vague “limited” personal data, if you really need to.

        You can then ringfence all the spam and batshit crazy.
        HTH

      • natoslug

        Do like my son — create a fake account and abandon it when you grow tired of the bs. Or, in his case, forget which password and email address you used. The last time I was on FB (2 months ago? 3?), there were five versions of him.

      • Pickwicknext

        I also too have a dummy account with an assumed last name. I have to vent to my team mates where we don’t get fired. Facebook thinks i’m lonely because i only have 3 friends

        • sw19womble

          Heh! Well I have no friends!

          And none on Facebook either!

    • pastelstar.

      I just signed up through email. I never use Facebook.

      • Onomatopeon

        To out myself as a troglodyte (and possible luddite), I only have two email addresses: my personal one that I use for banking and official shit, and my work email, which I use for more different official shit.

        • sw19womble

          Kudos!

      • SessileRaptor

        Yeah, I tried that last week. There is no escape from the facebook. :P

    • Jennifer R

      I didn’t even get to the Facebook commenting part. I loaded thrillist saw the awful layout, vomited in my mouth and added the site to my router’s blacklist.

      • Onomatopeon

        At least you didn’t vomit into your mouth. Would have been like an extra fucked up Salvador Dali painting.

        • sw19womble

          Suck it up!

        • Pickwicknext

          That’s probably one of the Dali’s still hiding in a Nazi vault somewhere

        • commatoes

          Is your name Eric “Stumpy Joe” Childs?

          • Onomatopeon

            Um, no. I do know a Childs family, but I don’t believe there are any Erics in it.

          • commatoes

            Reference to the cause of death for one of the drummers of “Spinal Tap”. He choked on vomit of unknown origin, perhaps but not necessarily his own.

          • Onomatopeon

            Right over my head. Haven’t seen Spinal Tap in over a decade. May be time to rewatch.

      • SessileRaptor

        It’s a terrible site and I’m actually pretty worried that OTM will sink without a trace into the crap, never to be seen again.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        IKR? And people complained about the way this place looks?

      • gedjcj

        I went so far as to read an article. If it’s representative, Pinkham is going to be wasted there.

        • C.A. Pinkham
          • xy
          • Quincy Dukes

            I can appreciate the counterpoint, but did you read the comments on that article? The worst forms of denialism and blindness to the obvious you’ve ever seen.

            One thing that you had both at Jez and here was a commentariat that at least understood the larger context in which both BCO and OTM presented stories as it regards the nature of labor in the restaurant business.

            Thrillist definitely doesn’t attract a similar audience, and I have my doubts that even a committed fraction of Jez and Wonkette readers who follow you over there will have the fortitude to stick around after reading Thrillist comments.

            Good luck in any case.

    • Abyss

      Seriously people, after the post itself you were the high point of my Monday and I will miss you all.

      Yes, even the Pinkham`s Lawsers, for the entertainment value.

      I will lift a monogramed thermos in your collective honor next chance I get.

    • Abyss

      Could we start an OtM/BtO discussion thread on Disqus when a new post appears on Thrilllist?

      • Jonny On Maui

        I don’t see why not. It’s not like threads haven’t been taken over for completely different comment directions.

      • that’s easily done, the difficulty is finding it. OtM should be searchable there, so someone just has to start it. (I think)

    • C.A. Pinkham

      I mean, you can still read it without commenting.

      • cafiene

        Pretty much what will be happening.

      • Onomatopeon

        :o Senpai noticed me.

        I will most definitely be reading, just not participating in the community. I do hope the new one is just as great as this one, though.

        • C.A. Pinkham

          My hope is that it will be better; the issue I’ve been having is submissions numbers dropping off and my total story pool VERY slowly shrinking (I still have over 270 pages’ worth of stuff at the moment, so I’m not desperate, but still). I’d love to run 10-12 story posts again, I just can’t do it if I don’t have the submissions numbers. Given that Thrillist’s traffic is pretty significant, hopefully that won’t be an issue there.

          • Onomatopeon

            Thrillist definitely seems like a good place for it to be content-wise. I hope your viewership there is through the roof, and that they rain down money and accolades upon you.

        • Apex Assassin

          fewer snarky canadians would be a nice improvement.

          • commatoes

            I resemble that remark!!!

    • Mr UberTrout will still be here for political snark, and so will most of us, also too.

    • Darkdreamyr

      Join the disqus ShinyBlueThing and SessileRaptor just made then. We can snark about the article ourselves away from the SM that shall not be named.

      https://disqus.com/home/channel/bcootmofftherecord/

      • Onomatopeon

        I have done so. Now I just need to figure out how to work the darn thing. I’m fairly new to this Disqus nonsense.

  • Frank Underboob

    My boss yelled, “Hey ladies, you forgot your shit,” and slung the bags off the porch in the general direction of the group, landing in the parking lot, scattering the bags and contents on the gravel.

    Who else is expecting a Pinkham’s Lawsuit about this?

    • Pickwicknext

      Not from me, but I enjoy stories where things are thrown at deserving assholes

      • 50plymouth

    • sw19womble

      Not food industry, but I’ve certainly told customers to “get the fuck out” and literally barrelled them down back down to the entrance when they’ve been rude and/or insulting to staff before.
      If they’d left their bags of shopping in the shop, I would have chucked them out onto the sidewalk with them.

      If you run the place, it’s your rules.

      • Erik Lonnrot

        If someone is abusive to my staff in person I will physically throw them out if I have to. I work for the government though so generally all I can do is chew them out and hang up.

        • Aleria Snow

          When I worked customer service at a local water system we were told to politely ask a customer to stop using profanity once. If they persisted we were to hang up on them and flag the account in case they called back to complain. Our supervisor’s attitude was that none of us were paid enough to be sworn at.

    • commatoes

      First World Problems. 1%-er Subset.

    • justifiable

      I am, because that’s how they roll. But since the Stepford Abusers technically abandoned their property when they left, bitching about how conscientiously it was returned to them by a manager that technically didn’t have to do anything is a non-starter in my book. Seriously, do you know how just many deprived people in the world only dream of having supplies air-lifted to them?

  • SayItWithWookies

    What a special treat OTM was on Monday mornings — and what a way to end it. I’ll still read, even if I won’t be commenting (oddly, where it is allowed). Thanks, CA!

  • Abyss

    *hits update*

    *hits update*

    *hits update*

    *hits update*

    *hits update*

    11:29am EST *hits update*

    OH THANK GOD.

    *sees burger pic, hits update, it’s still there*
    *looks at sad healthy non-deep-fried salad*

    DAMN YOU PINKHAM DAAAAAAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUU.

    *reads*

    Wait…. Thrilllist wut…?

    But… but… but… I was just getting used to the smutty pics and ads…. I was even contemplating giving Wonkette money….

    DAAAAAAMN YOU PINKHAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

    …and/or congrats… or something.

    • Pickwicknext

      America hasn’t figured out how to deep fry salad yet?

      • natoslug

        Georgia can do it, just not us northern states.

      • Enfant Terrible

        The Minnesota State Fair is working on it. (They deep-fry *everything*.)

        • Calli Arcale

          And put it on a stick, of course.

          • Aleria Snow

            The pork chop on a stick at Wisconsin State Fair is pretty good, and it’s not fried.

          • dead_elvis, inc.

            All that wasted, unfried potential!

        • commatoes

          Iowa state fair had fried sticks of butter a few years ago. I don’t know if this counts, but I have seen kale chips recently.

      • Abyss

        Canada. We enjoy living too much for that sort of thing.

        • Apex Assassin

          Canada. Pouring syrup on everything and drinking milk from deadly plastic bags. Even the ones who don’t play hockey have brain damage.

          • Abyss

            That too.
            We also have those evil hollow chocolate eggs with Darwinian toys inside.

      • proudgrampa

        Hey! We’re working on it!

      • My Name Is Mok

        For that, we must look to our neighbors from the East.
        http://justhungry.com/files/images/veg_tempura1.jpg

        • commatoes

          Damn you Mok!!! Now I want tempura!!!

  • goonemeritus

    A town near where I live is something of a throwback to the last century. It has one midsized company that is privately owned and that owner lives in the town and is very active in the town’s welfare. The owner had the park built, largely funded the hospital and owns many of the buildings on main street. You would think many would chafe at living in a 19 century company town but the people I know who live there love it. About 15 years ago the small lunch stand that the town patriarch ate at most days was set to close due to the owner’s retirement. Apparently no buyer for the business could be found. Well no problem the town patriarch bought the restaurant had it remodeled and hired a bunch of culinary grads to run it, all so he wouldn’t have to find a new place to eat. All was going pretty well until a bunch of college kids moved into an adjacent rental property. The constant partying and general teenage boy grab-ass antics forced the patriarch to pay them a visit to ask if they could be more considerate of their neighbors. Apparently he didn’t get the answer he wanted because within a few months he bought the house had it ripped down and put in a town flower garden.

    • Frank Underboob

      Beautiful.

    • natoslug

      Hopefully the frat boys provided an excellent fertilizer for said flowers.

      • Daisyjreyes3

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cg343ctwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cg343n:➽:➽:➽➽➽➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsHubGetPayHourly$98…. .❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦::::::!cg343n….,…

        • natoslug

          Your roommate Lori is an idiot. No wonder she turned into fertilizer.

    • MarkM

      Years ago my uncle related to me the story of a Canadian millionaire who visited a restaurant and was unhappy with the service he received from a particularly surly waiter. He supposedly went to his bank and bought the place just so he could go back the next day to tell the guy he was fired.

    • Blank Ron

      This really isn’t the image that comes to mind when one sees the phrase ‘company town.’ But it should be.

      • grindstone

        Coulda gone a dark direction, couldn’t it? I’m so happy it turned out nicely. I don’t have the novel in front of me but in it there’s the company town in the south where the patriarch had funded quite a bit of the local church, and sermons always leaned heavily on duty to others and a solid work ethic (towards the mill, of course).

    • commatoes

      Makes me yearn for government by benevolent tyrant.

      Like a lot of family owned companies, the kids (born privileged) will run it into the ground and it will then be liquidated by the third generation.

      • goonemeritus

        This company is on the third generation now. The old man died about a year ago and his kids are not involved with the day to day running of the company.

    • Jill Lybarger

      This. This is why one should aspire to be wealthy.

  • LarryHoudini

    “5’2″, 100 pound woman?” If Melissa McCarthy is still slimming down, she might be just right for this part.

  • Tobias B. Santa

    I had a customer call me rude when I kept telling him I was sorry, but we still didn’t have a cheeseburger (the drive thru kept stealing them).

    Like, how the fuck am I rude for telling you I was sorry? It’s not like I took a freshly made burger and ate it in front of you.

    • BosGrl

      Yes but the grease around your lips and the ketchup stains said otherwise

  • 50plymouth

    The mouth part of my face is sad to see this end.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Are we keeping the inside jokes? I think we should keep the inside jokes. Since pretty much nobody comments over there, there may never be more BCO/OTM inside jokes, so we owe it to Pinkham to keep them alive.

    • Abyss

      HE SAVE JOKES!!!!!!!!

    • Pickwicknext

      He save bread! Monogrammed thermoses, and for the mouth part of your face shall live forever

      • SessileRaptor

        WITNESS ME SAVE BREAD! I WILL RIDE TO VALHALLA ALL SHINY AND MONOGRAMMED!

      • Angie

        I’ve driven past this truck a couple of times on my way to work. Always makes me think of that story.

    • sw19womble

      As long as you don’t try to use canned clams, then we’re cool.

    • Frank Underboob

      I’m not sure how this inside-joke custody thing works. Do we have to go to court?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        We already have them, so I think he’d have to sue to get them back.

        • C.A. Pinkham

          I renounce all legal claim upon your inside jokes. Go forth, and monogram thermoses whilst saving bread.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            And you’ve been approriately compensated for them. It’s not free if you give it to me, and all.

          • justifiable

            I have to wait until Wednesday – my Dior is at the cleaners.

    • edith prickly

      Remind me what we’re allergic to again? Is it red or crunchy?

      • Jennaratrix

        Both; but if it’s red AND crunchy, it’s okay.

        • edith prickly

          Ah, the red cancels out the crunch. Got it.

          • Frank Underboob

            Unless it’s bacon, in which case the crunchy cancels out the meat AND the red.

          • h4rr4r

            Only if you cook it until it is tender.

          • Frank Underboob

            But then it cancels out the crunchy, so it turns back into meat.

        • brittany

          It’s also ok if it’s crispy.

        • Blank Ron

          If you say so. But to be honest, lobster tastes a lot better without the shell.

      • Frank Underboob

        Remind me what we’re allergic to again? Is it red or crunchy?

        Yes.

        Also bullet holes.

      • cafiene

        Yes

      • commatoes

        I feel guilty. I am only crunchy intolerant, but say I am crunchy allergic for the extra love it gets me from servers.

    • edith prickly

      The jokes aren’t free if you give them to me.

    • edith prickly

      Also, I would like an order of bacon with the meat cooked out. Because vegan.

    • Abyss

      HE SAVE JOKES!!!!!!!!

    • cafiene

      I say we keep them here, since wonkette doesn’t allow commenting. Just randomly throw in that Cruz is allergic to crunchy and republicans don’t know how eggs work.

  • Abyss

    “So this is the true story of a customer abusing a waitress, and the customer getting fired.”
    JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!

    • commatoes

      Karmic bitchslap!

  • hamletta

    Way to go out with a bang, Pinkham!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Is that what that noise was? I thought the dog farted.

  • Fleet Admiral Josh

    Oy that first group of people. And one probably figures they are like that everywhere. Of course they should be attended to immediately at all times! It’s finally nice seeing assholes get what they deserve!

    For Mr. “I expect fast food” I was sitting there thinking “He is probably thinking ‘I get this burger instantly at McDonalds! Why not here!” and then we went ahead and actually said that. Sorry guy, the only fast food place you MIGHT get a burger of that size somewhat quickly is Carl’s Jr./Hardees, and you certainly don’t get to choose how your burger is cooked. I guarantee you, those burgers are already done by the time you pull up to make your order.

    For the last woman, one has to wonder what people are thinking when they do this in front of people they know – especially co-workers. I can only figure she did it and was thinking i her head “I’m just saying what everyone else here is already thinking!”

    And yeah, person who has an attitude problem while out eating also has an attitude problem generally. who would have imagined!

    • Grant Whitford

      Whataburger has massive patties, of course its still 10 minutes at least bc they are cooked to order bc they give a shit (for fast food)

      • commatoes

        But it only takes a couple minutes in the microwave at home.

        And if you “compliment” a waitress on her “massive patties”, you get accused of harassment. Being a good tipper should entitle me to be an asshole.

    • Aleria Snow

      Mr. I Want Fast Food reminds me of one of my aunts. I helped my mother host a dinner once where my aunt complained that the food (an actual home cooked meal) wasn’t completely ready the minute she arrived and kept saying she should just go to McDonalds instead. I was pretty close to offering to help her get there faster with a swift kick to her ass. The worst part, the last time I went to a family dinner at her house we had to wait over an hour for sandwiches to be ready to eat, no cooking involved. And people wonder why I need a flask to deal with my family.

      • justifiable

        Bring a monogrammed thermos full of chloral hydrate next time. It’s amazing how agreeable they can be when they’re sedated.

        • Aleria Snow

          It’s easier for me to just self-medicate, and I really like whisky.

  • TF04

    Nowhere near the magnitude of the stories here but I do have a nice one to share about a local outlet of the Bravo! Italian chain (this would be in the Fairlane Mall in Dearborn, MI). We had an office get-together (about 15 people which is always oh-so-joyous for the wait staff to arrange) which just happened to be on a day when nobody but nobody was interested in eating and swiftly vacating. Warm restaurant, Michigan winter, it’s understandable. Just the same, people are starting to show up and crowd the hostess’s area (because warm restaurant, Michigan winter) and it’s generally starting to turn into a shit show as we’re going on about 20 minutes standing around with our thumbs up our asses. Nobody’s complaining, though, which is nice. The hostess consults a manager about what can be done and lo and behold, her pedestal and the surrounding desks turn into serving tables upon which a comped round of appetizers is placed, alongside our drinks. When we were finally seated, each one of us got a $10 off our next meal card, as well.

    • sw19womble

      Happy Nice Time!

    • Nezrite

      “Bravo! in Fairlane Mall in Dearborn, MI” I can’t figure out what that rhymes with to try to identify the place…

      • TF04

        Sorry, that meant to say “Whoohoo! in Broken Water Main, Longhorn, Schmichigan”

        Damn autocorrect…

  • Clarissa Saunders

    I’m an old. I’ve been around. And I’m still bewildered why more bosses don’t act like Jack Miner’s amazing lady boss. The loyalty you get in return could last you to hell and back.

  • Enfant Terrible

    “The place had probably felt fancy at some point but the dark wood, velvet wallpaper, and gold statuary felt thirty years out of fashion.”

    Mrs. Terrible and I had a favorite restaurant like that when we lived in Minnesota. We love places like that, complete with career waitresses who have worked there forever and have the varicose veins to prove it, and menus that haven’t changed since Nixon was president. The whole experience is like comfort food.

    • MarkM

      There is a place like that in Winnipeg, décor and staff haven’t changed since the 60s.

      • GrammarSlammerBammer

        Colon House? Home of the Colonator

      • Marge Simpson’s Chanel Suit

        Cool!

      • Apex Assassin

        but in winnipeg, that’s new and modern.

    • Abyss

      “… We love places like that, complete with career waitresses who have worked there forever and have the varicose veins to prove it, and menus that haven’t changed since Nixon was president. The whole experience is like purgatory.”

      FTFY.

      • I remember special occasion meals at the Elite (pronounced “EE-lite’) in Montgomery, Alabama.

        TRUE STORY! They put capers on everything and I thought they were green peas! And I was 23 at the time!

    • SessileRaptor

      Murray’s steak house in Minneapolis is like that. Great steaks and waitstaff who have put their grandchildren through college on their tips.

      http://www.garrisonkeillor.com/the-age-of-elegance/

      • Calli Arcale

        Murray’s is AMAZING.

      • cafiene

        Ceasar Steak Housein Calgary, the downtown one though, not the new one.

    • Frank Underboob

      I used to have a lovely Spanish place like that just around the corner from home when I lived in a busy part of town. Great food & nice owners, but they never did learn how to market themselves, unfortunately.

    • Aleria Snow

      There was a place like that in Wauwatosa, WI, every single entree was some type of meat absolutely smothered in gravy. The place actually reeked like rancid gravy.

  • MY BEST RESTAURANT MANAGER EVER!!

    I worked at a Hardee’s Organization for a couple of summers during my high school years. It was actually something of a plum job as it was a very small town and Hardee’s was the only fast food franchise around, plus many of my buddies worked there.

    We had this one cute little blonde girl manager who would invariably pass out right behind the counter whenever we got busy. At first this was alarming and 911 was dialed but eventually we got used to it. Whenever she bit the dust we would just roll her under the counter and out from under foot.

    WORST MANAGER: we also had a manager who came in one night during the rush and robbed the store at gunpoint. She was wearing a ski mask and a black sweatshirt as a disguise, but the fact she was around 300 lbs, sported a very distinctive hairdo, and had a loud twangy voice made it easy as pie to identify her to the cops.

    • Abyss

      “WORST MANAGER: we also had a manager who came in one night during the rush and robbed the store at gunpoint. …”

      You win.

      • And I didn’t even mention David the Manager who offered to give me my very first BJ and all the raw chocolate chip cookie dough we would swipe out of the cooler.

        • Abyss

          Are those related or two separate things?

        • Pinkham’s Law

          So, how was the head?

          • Declined. Did I mention he was ew ew gross gag me with a spoon? Besides I was saving myself for Mr. Right who worked at the grocery store and sang in the school’s swing choir.

        • commatoes

          If the second was an enticement for the first, then you would be able to tell every future partner that it could only get better from that point.

    • Aleria Snow

      Why on earth would you ever rob a place where you work?

      • Bitter Scribe

        Most fast food robberies are committed by current or former workers.

        • Aleria Snow

          I know that. I just don’t understand robbing a place where everyone can identify you easily.

          • Bitter Scribe

            Hey, if they had brains they wouldn’t do shit like that in the first place.

            My favorite was the guy put on a mask before holding up the Wendy’s where he worked, but kept on his name tag. Oh, and Einstein also “disabled” the place’s phone by pulling out the modular plug. The manager plugged it back in as soon as he left and called the police, who picked him up in three minutes.

          • Aleria Snow

            That’s true.

            My favorite were the group who robbed a bank in Chicago and pretty much got away with the whole thing until one of them decided to call a local radio station to brag about the heist. In next to no time they were all behind bars.

          • commatoes

            We’re not talkin’ Einsteins here.

            I give you the “Permanent Marker Bandits”.

          • Aleria Snow

            I definitely understand that we are talking about abysmally stupid people; I just can’t imagine being stupid enough to think robbing a place where everyone knows me is a good idea. That or thinking that smearing a Sharpie across my face is a good disguise.

          • Michaela

            I know, this is exactly where my brain went too. Then I was like…wait, am I trying to apply critical thinking skills to people who steal money from other people? That seems like a bad idea.

          • Aleria Snow

            I really is a bad idea, but sometimes I can’t help myself. I really do like to understand why people do the things they do. I probably should have majored in Psychology.

      • Erik Lonnrot

        Probably knew when there would be the most cash on hand.
        I’m assuming that people who rob fast food joints are not thinking much farther into the future than that.

      • Frank The Rat

        My brother is peripherally involved in law enforcement. He does a lot of investigating theft and other shit for mostly small(ish) businesses; fast foods, Kwik-E-Mart type places, etc. His theory of current, or former, employees robbing is that the small time skimming they did emboldened them to step it up several notches. I guess the theory is something like; “well, they never noticed I stole a couple of chicken wings a week, therefor they won’t miss the night deposit.”

        Also, too, the chicken places where the employees do something that they called, “walking the bird.”

        • Aleria Snow

          That makes sense because that’s how embezzlers get caught. They steal a few hundred dollars here and there and no one notices so they up the amount until it does become noticeable.

          • theblackdog

            Yup, had a manager at a restaurant I worked at who would fully delete a completed order out of the system and then pocket the cash. He only got caught because he got bolder about it and then screwed up by deleting an order that was paid with a credit card. That tipped off the owners that something was wrong when the credit card batch report didn’t match up with the register report the manager filed.

            The only thing that I could never figure out was why the owners didn’t get suspicious sooner because we maybe had 0-1 deletions a week and so any rise in the number of deletions in a week should have been a red flag that something was up with training or worse.

          • Aleria Snow

            That takes stupidity and brass balls.

          • theblackdog

            Oh it did, especially because when he did it, he had been working there for at least 3 years and the owners liked him. Maybe it’s why he got away with it for so long, they thought he would never ever steal from them.

          • Aleria Snow

            That really sucks. I have a friend from school who owns a local restaurant, and I would really hate it if any of his servers or managers did something like that to him. He is obviously a good boss because they have really, really low turnover at that restaurant. In fact a few of their people have been with them since they opened. Several have followed him from other restaurants that he managed previously.

  • John Doe

    @Emily Litman I LOVE her, anyone who has seen my posts here on “Off the Menu” knows my hate for the most dangerous phrase in customer service “the customer is always right”

  • witsended

    Will you bastards stop talking about changing light bulbs, and making me relive the pain of a near death experience. I have just had to take a triple dose of my meds to calm me down.
    Changing a light bulb some years ago on the landing at the top of the stairs, I found that the metal bulb holder was twisted out of shape and the new bulb would not fit.
    As I used a screw driver to bend the holder back into shape, my daughter who was about 12 years old at the time, came into the hallway at the bottom of the stairs. I yelled at her not to turn the light on.
    Next thing I remember is lying on my back in the hall looking up at the ceiling.
    My daughter maintains to this day that I said turn the light on, and that the backflip I executed off the step ladder was the most elegant one she has ever seen, but was ruined by the landing as I bounced off the bottom few steps of the stairs.

    • SessileRaptor

      Ouch, mega ouch.

      And forever after that you’ve cut off the power to the outlet when doing stuff like that, right? RIGHT?

      • witsended

        Only if daughter is around.

        • Frank Underboob

          It’s good practice regardless, any time you’re working on something electrical.

          • SessileRaptor

            As my old handyman use to say “What’s black, smoking, and hangs from the ceiling?

            “An impatient electrician.”

          • Frank Underboob

            Ayup. I’ve been working on mains-powered shit for decades, & have had enough near-misses to have really driven in all the safety lessons. Random people powering something up while it’s being worked on kills or cripples amateur engineers every day, & far too many professionals, who should know better.

          • SessileRaptor

            Yup, lockout/tagout procedures didn’t spring into being for no reason, they exist because some morons just will not stop going “Huh, I wonder why this breaker is tripped? Oh well…” *Turns breaker on, instantly hears Wilhelm scream in distance.*

          • Frank The Rat

            Lockout/tagout procedures. AKA, the jackboot of big gummint stifling the creative urges of the jerb creators.

            I saw three enlisted men get broken bones in feet and ankles when one of our maintenance officers ignored everything, including having the “cradle” in place under the wing tank of a fighter aircraft. Had the tank been empty (and there were about 6 things on the checklist to ensure that it was) six guys could have handled it. Unfortunately 360 gallons of JP-4 weighs a bit more than they could hold.

          • Renee

            GAH! That kind of crap took out an entire airplane full of people in the. . ’90s? ValueJet was the company, and SaberTech the lowest-bidder maintenance subcontractor – that I’ll always remember. 110 people dead because oxygen canisters weren’t labeled. SMH.

        • cafiene

          Masking tape over the switch

        • Aleria Snow

          Make that always please. Electricity is nothing to play around with.

    • Buoyancé

      Who the fuck puts tools in a light socket without turning the breaker off? REALLY?

      • Calli Arcale

        Have you seen the ad (I don’t even remember what it was for) where a guy has just finished fixing the wiring for the new garbage disposal, and he’s got his hand down inside it doing something as he proudly tells his wife what he’s been up to, while she comes in with the groceries. Her hand goes to the light switch. Time slows down. You hear his heartbeat, as it is now far too late for him to extract his hand, and he can only pray his wiring was right…..

        I get the willies from that ad. So much so it pops unbidden into my head anytime I read a story like this, and every time I do anything with the garbage disposal.

        I’ve been religious about circuit breakers ever since my baby brother stuck a wire in an electrical socket when he was a toddler. Oh, the tears . . . poor kiddo had third degree burns on his palms. Happily, it all healed up okay (the advantage of youth) but damn, that was terrifying.

        Oh, I also remember when my dad hit a buried power line while planting a shrub. Our neighbor, who was an electrician, came sprinting over when he saw the flash, which threw my dad back on his butt but didn’t actually injure him. He got very lucky, and I have never forgotten to call the utilities before planting anything since then.

        • Michelle Singleton

          The only episode of Supernatural that truly got to me was when the boys go back to their childhood home. There is something possessing the house. I can’t rewatch it to get the details because… The new owner needed to get the disposal fixed.. Well, you can guess what happened. I just can’t.
          Also anything that involves knives or bullets going through a foot. *shiver*

          • Aleria Snow

            Oh that scene freaks me out. Garbage disposals are also nothing to mess around with. And wood chippers. I can’t believe the number of people who try to use their feet to unjam a thing that can eat a tree.

          • Michelle Singleton

            I know!!

            I don’t do that genre. I almost stopped watching SPN after that episode.

            I think that that creep-factor is because the first real* horror movie I watched was Puppetmaster. The only scene I can remember is the corkscrew puppet under the bed.

            *Poltergeist doesn’t count.

          • Aleria Snow

            I don’t usually mind fictional ones; it’s the real life stories that bug me. How can people take their own personal safety so for granted that they don’t turn off breakers before messing with electrical stuff?

            True story, I saw the original Poltergeist in a movie theater when I was 11. My best friend’s bought us the tickets and then went to see a different movie. Boy was my mother pissed off when she found out about that. I had nightmares for months.

          • Michelle Singleton

            In my bedroom growing up the walls and ceiling were covered in particle board. (Our has 90+ years old and my sister and I were in the attic.) I read Dean Koontz’s Phantoms. I didn’t sleep well for years…

          • Aleria Snow

            I can imagine. I remember not sleeping well for months after reading It. Damn Stephen a clown and a giant spider, really?

          • commatoes

            My sister was 8 and she snuck downstairs to watch it on tv. Thirty years later, she still gets the shivers if she see’s a foundation/pool excavation filled with water.

          • Aleria Snow

            For me it was the maggot covered chicken leg and the guy peeling his face off. I watched it again a few years ago and that scene was so fake looking, but it still scared the crap out of me. Here I was in my mid 30’s feeling like that scared little 11 year old again.

          • commatoes

            A lot of SFX do not age well. A stand out is Rick Baker’s work in “An American Werewolf in London”. The hair growing effect still makes me cringe and Jenny Agutter is still my (adult) standard for feminine beauty.

          • Aleria Snow

            I love that movie. David Naughton was so yummy in that movie. One of my earliest girl crushes was Jenny Agutter in Logan’s Run.

          • Diane T.

            My dad lost a finger and almost lost three, trying to clear ice out of his snowblower. The snowblower was off — yes, he DID know better — but he thought the kill switch was engaged, but it wasn’t… completely.

          • Aleria Snow

            Oh that is terrible. My dad knows a guy who had the same thing happen with his lawn mower and a not fully engaged kill switch. Luckily it was only part of a finger.

          • Calli Arcale

            Welp, I guess that’s a show I don’t have to watch. *shivers*

          • Michelle Singleton

            SPN is awesome. Seriously. Every one has something that gets them, fear wise. Mine is the above and clowns. In one episode the boys are dealing with a vampire and a saw type device is used. That didn’t bother me. The writers play on different fears and incorporate myths and such to do so.

            My absolute favorite episode is called Yellow Fever. Jensen pulls the whole thing off perfectly. The opening, the singing, the scream… If I’m having a bad day I will watch that.

            The rumors are true. Once you start watching SPN, you can’t stop. I wouldn’t advise starting with ^^ episode. You have to start at the beginning or it won’t make sense ?

          • Aleria Snow

            Is Yellow Fever the one with the cat jump scare? If so I love his scream. It’s so cute, of course what isn’t cute about Jensen?

          • Michelle Singleton

            Yup!

          • Aleria Snow

            OMG I love that scream so much. I’m starting to giggle just thinking about it.

          • Michelle Singleton

            I know!!! My 9 1/2 year olds learn Eye of the Tiger from that episode! They even scratch their arms like he does! Lol

          • Aleria Snow

            I love the video of him doing Eye of the Tiger.

      • Jeff Morris

        Ummm…I know of one dipshit who installed a ceiling fan in his daughter’s room only to discovered he’d forgotten that little detail.

        My wife says that I am King of Dumb Luck.

    • Abyss

      New house.
      Multiple light switches installed upside down.
      Multiple bulbs burnt out.
      Ow. So much ow.

      • BosGrl

        Um, that sort of sounds like a fiery incident waiting to happen?

    • DownWithOCD

      That is why I always, always flip the breaker in the basement before doing any electrical work.

      • Moraliae

        And if you can’t get to the breaker for some reason, tape down the switch. (Actually, I put tape on the breaker switch and the local switch, just in case.)

      • I AM R U

        Yeah, I was mentally yelling “WHY IS THE POWER ON???”

    • Newzheimer

      Something very much like this happened to Mr. Newzheimer.

      He was trying to fix a broken ceiling outlet for a heater or the central AC or something and was standing on a metal stepladder to do so. He jammed a screwdriver into the socket and went flying off the ladder and down a short flight of (thankfully carpeted) stairs.

      He had flipped the breaker, but it was a 220 line and he’d only flipped one of the breakers.

      Never did that again. At least he’s alive to be able to make the decision.

  • proudgrampa

    Well, as usual when I read these stories, they confirm my hatred of people. But these managers give me pause, and I don’t hate people quite as much.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Re: Greg Danvers.

    When I was in high school, my English IV teacher assigned us all an essay project where we had to explain how to do some task step by step. After turning them in, she passed them back out to different people so that we could grade each others.
    The essay I got was a how-to fix a broken window. The author spelled caulk like cock each and every time (easily 8-10 occurrences), which I dutifully marked wrong, We were told to give a grade and then turn them in and she would give the official grade. I gave that guy a C, she gave him a D ( she removed points for poor handwriting and a few grammar errors I missed).
    Yet for the rest of the semester, he glared at me angrily and was really passive aggressive towards me, despite my insistence that I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, edge his final grade higher.

    • Willow

      fuck grading on handwriting skills. a 4th grade teacher ruined mine by insisting I held a pencil wrong and messing with my grip.

      That’s like grading a science paper down because the hypothesis was rejected,

      • bookworm81

        Depends on how bad the handwriting is. If it’s just a little messy, eh. If it’s actually difficult to read that’s a different story.

        • Apex Assassin

          laughable these days considering handwriting is now outmoded and cursive isn’t even taught.

  • StiffyByng

    My brother is a manager at a locally owned pizza restaurant and one of the waitresses is a very sweet girl who happens to be transgender, most customers don’t seem to notice, but one night an asshole is there with his family and decides to object and demands to see a manager.
    So the waitress goes and gets my brother who promises to take care of it.
    Now I should mention that it was Halloween and the restaurant encourages the staff to dress up for the holiday and while the waitress had just gone for cat ears, my brother’s girlfriend (the hostess) had talked him into going as the white Swan to her black Swan.
    So my very solid athletically built brother walks up to the asshole’s table dressed in a white feathery tutu and cheerfully introduces himself as the manager.

    • Aleria Snow

      OMG I wish I could have been there to see the asshole’s reaction.

    • thegirlwiththekittentattoo

      I worked in a really nice pizza place for a few years. One night a nasty, bigoted couple was seated in the section of a trans server. They asked to be moved. The same server wound up running their pizza to their new table. The guy tried to send it back because he didn’t want to eat anything she had touched so the manager kicked them the fuck out. I still get mad when I think about it. It’s good that I wasn’t there that night. I’m confident I would have gotten myself fired and it would have been worth it.
      I also had to defend muslims to a doughy, middle-aged white dude at our bar one day. I really suck at biting my tounge when vile, hateful motherfuckers start running their mouths.

      • commatoes

        Remember, according to Pat Robertson, the gays gots these speshul rings with a needle on it to intenshunally spread the AIDS to god fearing people.

    • Frank Underboob

      had talked him into going as the white Swan to her black Swan

      You mean they were costumed as ballerinas?

    • 50plymouth

      AND???

      • malsperanza

        No no, the story ends right where it needs to. Perfect. I call this the anti-shaggy dog story. Here is my favorite, an urban legend that has been around for a while.

        Elderly blind lady’s seeing-eye dog dies. She wants to take it to the cemetery, so with great difficulty she manages to get the German shepherd zipped into her big rolling suitcase. She gets the suitcase to the subway, but hesitates at the top of the stairs, as she is small, and not sighted, and the suitcase is big and the dead dog is heavy. A polite young man comes up to her and offers to help. “Why thank you,” she says. The polite young man picks up the suitcase and runs off with it.

        • Abyss

          A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says,’I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.’ Naked lady says

    • Christian Mathistad

      Where’s the rest of it?

    • xy

      this is the greatest story that has ever been told.

  • JustCameToSayYum

    Wait, Thrillist? We’re moving again?? I don’t wanna go! I just started making friends here!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Facebook only comments, so . . . I’ll be reading, but I’ll keep my lame attempts at snark right here. They aren’t forcing us to leave, so far as I am aware. And the Ubertrout will still be posting other stuff here – just not OTM.

      • bellaluna30

        Me, too. I don’t Facebook.

        • rues

          I think you can also login with gmail or another email account, can’t you?

          • The Witch of Endor

            I just checked and there is an email login option.

          • rues

            Yeah, but when you go to actually try and comment on something, it’s all facebook all the time.
            =/

          • The Witch of Endor

            Yeah, I didn’t actually register. I was curious to see if there were alternative ways of signing up/logging in.

          • phoenix00

            I think plugging in your e-mail just shuffles you along to signing up for a new FB account with said e-mail address.

        • rues

          Oh, ug, you’re right =(

      • JustCameToSayYum

        That’s what I mean. My favorite part of OTM (formerly BCO) is getting to snark it up in the comments with you fine people. And like you said, Thrillist uses FB commenting. My snark thrives on anonymity.

        • Frank Underboob

          Indeed. My snark thrives on not giving my personal information & browsing habits to a truly evil company that has proven that it can’t be trusted with them.

          • JustCameToSayYum

            Damn it, Frank. Where am I supposed to post pictures of myself out in the world so my old high school and college friends know I have social value??

        • Frank The Rat

          I haven’t looked at the FB comments on Thrillist but over on Esquire Magazine a lot of us lefties follow and post on Charlie Pierce’s daily stuff and you can post but not have it show up on your FB. Although I guess if any of the rest of the snark patrol is so inclined they can always go to your FB page and check.

          BTW, the snark comes hard and fast, also a lot of really well educated folks, like on here. Of course sometimes his stuff gets linked or picked up or whatever on Yahoo or some other place where the mouth breathers have someone read it to them.

          So sometimes, often when it’s something about shooty types of rednecks we get a lot of trolls. We make them suffer for intruding on our happy place.

          • Calli Arcale

            You can indeed comment on Facebook-commented blogs without it showing up in your feed, so your friends don’t end up seeing what you’re commenting on. BUT I do believe it allows the blog access to some aspects of your Facebook account. Nothing that would, like, let them steal your identity, but stuff valuable for marketing purposes. I imagine, for instance, that it would affect the kinds of “sponsored content” that turns up in your feed.

          • commatoes

            It still means that a person can use your blog comment to “find you” in real life.

          • Calli Arcale

            Assuming you only have one Facebook account, of course. ;-) *whistles innocently*

      • Jennifer

        FWIW, I couldn’t comment at BCO because of the weirdo commenting grey-out system. I can comment here because Disqus already knows me. I’ll prolly still read on Thrillist and just go back to not bothering to comment. Which is haaaaaard for me, but I’ll get more done at work.

  • Jay Vaughn

    What’s with shitty people and ordering their food well? Don’t fucking do that people. We cooks hate you for wasting meat.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Well done filet mignon…just get a fucking hamburger!

      • Jay Vaughn

        In general I don’t support capital punishment. . .

        • Frank Underboob

          Indeed. This is the kind of crime against humanity that makes me hesitate.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I like medium myself. I can deal with medium well or medium rare so cooks probably do not hate me when I order too much.
          My husband chars every piece of meat until there is no trace of pink left, however.
          I do not let him cook the filet mignon, on those VERY few bi or tri yearly events that I purchase it.

          • Plushinobi

            My boyfriend is the same way, but he is learning. He still cooks himself shoe leather, he just puts mine on halfway through so it’s tasty and juicy.

      • Willow

        honestly, who eats filet anyway. If it doesn’t have fat, it doesn’t have flavor.

        • Left Coast Tom

          When I buy Filet Mignon at Generic Store for $15 or so per pound it’s somewhat lacking in flavor. When I buy it at Whole Foods for $30/lb. it’s great.

          • Abyss

            Whole Foods, most of the time you get what you pay for.

    • Michelle Singleton

      I honestly don’t think my kids have ever had beef well done. They get medium rare. I’m the difficult one. I prefer medium-rare, but more rare than medium, but not so rare that a band-aid would allow them to go back out to pasture. *shrug*

      I come from a family of food service. I’d say 95% of the jobs I’ve had have been in food service. I do try to not be a bitch, but I am always aware that my doneness request can piss people off. For what it’s worth if the place is busy I order chicken or soup/salad.

      • Frank Underboob

        I order according to my best guess as the likely quality of the meat & the cooking. Medium-rare is my default compromise, but at a place I know to be good, I’ll order rare, & at a specialist aged steak house (there are two in my city), I’ll go for blue.

        • Michelle Singleton

          I swore off Logan’s. The last time we were in there the meat in the cooler was green.

          I’m too cheap to go to Ruth’s Chris.

          My favorite steaks here come from Steak Out and a local place called Trojan Express (our school mascot are Trojans). You wouldn’t think steak delivery would be good, but it is.

          My FAVORITE steakhouse is The Ram. Since I don’t get home more than every couple of years, I live vicariously through my s-i-l.

          • Frank Underboob

            Yeah, the only places I trust for blue steak are pricey enough to be only for special occasions. I’ve only eaten at Ruth’s Chris once, in Hong Kong, & that was pretty good.

          • Jay Vaughn

            Delivery steak joint is the best. There is one two doors down from my bar, and the bar smells fucking amazing everyday but Sunday.

    • brinylon

      Hamburgers tho’. I like my steak raw (blue) but hamburgers? Cook ’em.

      • Calli Arcale

        Medium is done enough. I cannot imagine how dessicated a burger will be at “well done”.

        • Aleria Snow

          Oh they are nasty, dry, tasteless hockey pucks. I have endured many cookouts with my family over the years.

          I am the only member of my family who eats anything other than well done beef. I hate going out to steak places with my family because the entire time all I hear is “ewww, how do you eat that,” or “oh I just can’t watch you eat that thing.” To which I always want to scream then pay more attention to your own meal. Oh they also complain about the wait for their well done food. Yeah guys, longer cook time takes longer, imagine that.

          • Jay Vaughn

            Even in Mississippi that’s grounds for divorce.

          • dead_elvis, inc.

            Yeah, but she’s still your cousin after the divorce.

          • Apex Assassin

            COTD

          • I AM R U

            I’m vegetarian, but I get so angry at my relatives when they order their meat well done and ruined. Like, if you’re GOING to eat it, at least eat it properly!!!!

          • Aleria Snow

            For my own sanity I just ignore how my relatives order steaks and burgers. I just can’t stand the running commentary on how I eat my steaks and burgers.

      • commatoes

        Depends on the place. The E. coli outbreaks seem to be at the large processing plants where a single burger can contain pieces of, literally, a hundred cows. I have never heard of any of the local meat shops (that grind their own beef) having an outbreak.

    • commatoes

      Well, I can think of no worse punishment for ordering beef well-done than having to actually eat it. I do remember hearing a guy scream about salmonella because his steak was medium well done. Screaming about it means that everyone is now aware that you are not only an asshole, but a moron also.

      • Tana Siemaszko

        I rarely order steak (say never, really) but when I order burgers, I’m sorry, I have mouth feel issues and well is how I need my food. You’re welcome to say “we won’t do well here, sorry,” and I’ll order something else. But if you take the order, dammit, serve it properly and don’t snark about me behind my back.

        • commatoes

          Ground meat it a different thing entirely. The increased surface area and the time between being ground and cooked/served are where the issue of e. coli contamination become relevant. My gripe is the person that asks for his/her meat/burger well done but then complains that it is dry/tough even after being warned that that will happen. My point is twofold, the person screaming from a viewpoint of ignorance and the person complaining when the meal is prepared as specified but the expected result is somehow unexpected. I do understand the texture thing with ground meat and find it gross also, but I have seen diners that would only eat the burger if there was no longer any visible juices that had even the barest hint of pink. It is not accidental that these same diners also ask for extra ketchup.

          Grilling is harsh on meat proteins and getting a well done AND juicy is almost impossible. It can be done in two stages, “sous vide”and then finished on a grill, but most places are net set up for it as the process is similar to making pulled pork (i.e. at a low temp for hours).

  • cafiene

    The rag was probably for a halogen bulb, which you can’t touch with bare fingers. The oils kill the bulb almost as soon as it’s turned on.

    • ElfInBklyn

      actually, they last several months (rather than several years). i have them in my kitchen, and they’re so difficult to get into the socket you have to touch them.

      • Frank Underboob

        If you’re touching them with your skin when you install them, that’d be why they’re only lasting a few months. If you don’t have anything better (eg; disposable cotton gloves) handy, a fresh tissue works okay.

        • cafiene

          I’ve advised customers to use a clean sock, fabric napkin, whatever. Had a customer who wouldn’t believe me (cuz, bewbs) until they bought their third bulb in a month. Gloves are the most ideal though for dexterity.

    • Frank Underboob

      I don’t know how common this is in consumer lighting, but halogen bulbs for professional equipment typically come in special sleeves so that you can install them without the glass contacting your skin.

      • cafiene

        My guess is that most places just run down to lowes for bulbs, and they won’t have the sleeve, and many people don’t read the back of the package where it says not to touch directly. But, that gives them something to complain about when the lights don’t last.

    • I AM R U

      We used a rag to remove old bulbs because sometimes they broke and the rag caught all the glass? I dunno, is that normal??

  • C.A. Pinkham

    Counterpoint to everyone complaining about Thrillist’s FB comment system: while FB comments are terrible, that’s arguably a good thing. Think about it — we’re likely to see WAY more (and way crazier) Pinkham’s Lawyering. I’m expecting a golden age for batshit examples of Pinkham’s Law.

    • Frank Underboob

      I think most of us are more bothered by FB being evil, & FB comments being a PITA to make than by the fact that most FB commenters are fuckheads. Like you, I quite like a target-rich environment, which is something I’ve missed since the column has been here, with the (mostly) lovely Wonketariat.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I went to sign in with my google, but it wanted to know all sorts of stuff about me so I said no. Thinkin fake name is the way to go!
        Need me my monday fix of server stories

        • C.A. Pinkham

          You guys can also just not sign in? Just close the popup when it comes up. There’s an X in the top left corner.

      • Morrigan In Oregon

        (blush) well thank ye’ kindly, sir.

        • Frank Underboob

          You’re welcome!

    • SessileRaptor

      Downside being that none of us will be willing to call them out on it for fear of crazy cyberstalkers.

      • Frank Underboob

        Ayup. If I do create a Fæcesbook account to comment, it’ll be under a fake name.

        • I like tomato

          You mean your real name isn’t Frank Underboob!? I am shocked and appalled.

          • Frank Underboob

            Just between you & me, my real name is Sir Reginald Fotheringay III, but please keep it to yourself.

          • kareema

            Lulz. We were gonna name our kid “Chomondelay Featherstonehaugh StJohn”, but she turned out to be a she.

            So we named her “Rotifer Stentor’. (I’m a biologist)

            PS – do I *really* have to explain how you pronounce CFS correctly?

        • I AM R U

          …I don’t want to have to create a whole new facebook account just to comment on one article… Is that selfish of me??

          • Frank Underboob

            No, it’s not. I’m still making up my own mind on whether or not to do that too.

      • Aleria Snow

        Exactly. I barely comment on my husband’s posts because he’s so indiscriminate in who he friends. I just don’t need the hassle of dealing with cyberstalkers…again. I got rid of the last one over a decade ago, and I’m not inviting that shit into my life again.

      • C.A. Pinkham

        Counter-idea: you can create a Disqus thread/other forum/something where we can all complain about it and mock them. Not to their faces — therein lies the drawback — but shit, if you guys set something like that up, I’ll come join in.

        • ShinyBlueThing

          I want to upvote this a thousand times.

        • SessileRaptor

          Funny, I was musing over that possibility on the way home tonight. I can start a disqus channel, I just need a good name and to get people to go there. Maybe some riff on “off the menu” or one of the many in-jokes. “I save Comments!” perhaps?

          • StoneMaven

            Call it “Allergic to Crunchy” and they will come…

          • ShinyBlueThing

            Ack, I just saw this. Want to be a moderator? Want to make a new channel with a better name (and I’ll drop this one and just go to yours)?

          • SessileRaptor

            Sure, I’ll be a mod. Nothing wrong with your name either.

          • ShinyBlueThing

            Done. Now to go play with my nailgun.

          • kareema

            Can you come over and help with our kitchen remodel? We have TONS of IKEA cartons sitting around, waiting to be assembled…..

            I’d promise to bake you a cake or something, but no stove until painting and cabinetry assemblage is done. That’s when the propane people will hook up the new range.

            PS – Kitchen remodels are a slippery slope. Your stove dies and you end up shelling out $$$$$ for new cabinets and cupboards. And flooring. And paint. And your cats look suspiciously at all this new-ness. And pee on it.

            tl;dr version: I don’t do FB.

          • ShinyBlueThing

            I would love to help, but I suspect I’m nowhere near you! And I TOTALLY feel your pain.

            We are on Year Three and a Half of the kitchen reno. We weren’t even supposed to be starting the reno until this year, but a plumbing disaster forced our hand. We moved the stove and sink to better locations then, adding a dishwasher too. And then we pulled the cabinets which wasn’t the best timing given having already blown the budget on appliances and plumbing … but we decided to replace the tiny fridge we had with a bigger one and the cabinets were set up for a 1940s fridge.

            Well, almost all the cabinets. The giant 1940s double drainboard sink that we replaced witha functional one sat there for three and a half years being a huge eyesore. It was really damaged and not restorable, I tried for years -all the doors hung at angles and all the drawers were broken, then the pipes to it froze during a freakish cold winter storm because it had been installed in an expansion that was originally a porch so the pipes ran through an unheated space, and one of the drains broke during the attempted repair, so we had no sink for six months while we figured out the replacement. Washing dishes in the bathroom is PITA. Even with a washstand set up.

            As of today, we have the new dishwasher and the sink in the only cabinet in the kitchen, a sort of island between two long windows (old houses are super fun to fit things in), plus the new fridge, and the new stove (yeah, us too), plus a bakers rack and two carts. And, finally, the Sink End is not the Sink End anymore, it has beadboard and baseboards and looks like people live here.

            I’ve been making do with those wire-and-connector college student shelves and one ikea cabinet since then. We finally got rid of the damn thing a couple weeks ago and I have been making a space for the table and chairs in that end of the kitchen since. Cabinets finally go up in a couple of weeks.

            Given that our old house has no closets or pantry (argh, it’s really charming otherwise!) for alternate storage, it’s been … fun. Our dog hates change, but at least he doesn’t pee on things he finds suspicious.

          • Abyss

            I love everything about this plan.

          • ShinyBlueThing

            I went ahead and added you as a mod. Please feel free to tell me to fuck off, or whatever. I’m going to go work on my kitchen renovation for a few hours.

          • Danniella_Bee

            I Save Comments is the perfect name!

        • I AM R U

          I WAS THINKING THAT!!!!!!

          >.> Can we do this???

        • ShinyBlueThing

          I can take some vague resoponsibility for making it. Any naming suggestions? Right now I have “BCO/OTM Off the Record.”

        • ShinyBlueThing

          Made it: https://disqus.com/home/channel/bcootmofftherecord/

          It’s really naked. Decorating suggestions accepted, but may be laughed at. The only in-joke I have so far is We save bread.
          I AM NOT herding people around disqus alone. Moderators wanted, please.

          • PhilR

            Okay, I am following over there now. Thanks.

          • ShinyBlueThing

            It’s really empty, but I’m sure it’ll get better once we have stuff to talk about.

          • PhilR

            So right now it is a Shiny New Thing?

          • ShinyBlueThing

            bahaha! No, more like an empty shoebox.

          • PhilR

            Well, I hope some of the regular commenters here see this and know that we can still have this same type of discussion, just not on Thrillist and Facebook.

          • Jennifer

            Small and blue. It’s just gotta be a small, blue thing.

            (And now I have dated myself. It’s sorta like self-love, only less messy.)

          • jexx

            Yay! I bookmarked it!

          • Danniella_Bee

            Bookmarked :)

    • Jeff Morris

      The problem I have isn’t you–I don’t have a Facebook account because I absolutely do not want my religious, conservative relatives hounding me at every opportunity the instant they see I have one.

      It’s cool. I can be quiet. Honest. (Stop laughing, wife!)

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Pretty sure you can just make a fake one and not tell anyone about it XD Can’t you do that on the facebook machine?
        I do not know, I do not do the facebook. Like you, there are assholes in my bloodline, direct and indirect.
        I think I will go find out though, for monday

        • Courser

          Um, don’t tell the folks at FacePlace, but my FB name is not mine. I do not want creeps from my past being able to find me (and my first name is extremely rare!). On FB I’m a combination of my mother’s and grandmother’s names. People who I know are cool know where to find me.

        • malsperanza

          It’s not that easy to do. FB is relentless about not using pseudonyms. It has shut down the accounts of several people with native American names that kind of look like they might be invented usernames, but aren’t. (Names like Wilma Mankiller, who is a real person, and an awesome one at that.)

          • sarcasticcupcakes

            She can just make her pseudonym something like Amy Sanderson.

      • Jamoche

        It’s kind of sweet to hit the Hell No button when FB pops up with “are you friends with Glenn Beck Retweeting Cousin?”

    • jellyfibs

      Not signing up for facebook just to comment though, sooooo…….

      • Foxbite

        Make a fake account like the rest of us?

        • jellyfibs

          Nah. Don’t want to give the fools that decide to use FB comments any satisfaction by playing by their rules to participate.

          • Foxbite

            Yell at any clouds lately for being in cahoots with the anti-sun conspiracy?

          • jellyfibs

            You do you and I’ll do me. Using the system isn’t showing your non-approval. If everyone just does it anyway, why shouldn’t companies choose to use FB with all the data mining benefits?

          • jurassicbark

            This comment plus your icon is killing me right now

    • Diane T.

      Yeah, well, FB is filtered out of the server at work, so I can’t read comments there. :: Growly frown ::

    • I AM R U

      Except now a lot of the awesome people (…me) won’t be commenting :(

      • Danniella_Bee

        I agree with you. I don’t want my internet comments associated to my facebook page. Being anonymous makes it a hell of a lot easier to be honest which is interesting.

        • I AM R U

          I agree – I suppose because people don’t associate you with the things you’re talking about, makes it easier both to be an arsehole and to be honest. Although a lack of anonymity doesn’t seem to stop trolls, most of the time…

    • Abyss

      On the one hand, I want to believe there’s an upside.
      On the other hand, it’s FB, there isn’t.
      …will still be reading tho. You have my eyeballs if not my devastating wit.

  • Frank The Rat

    I have no desire to visit Georgia and possibly run into my wife’s racist niece and her family of bigot. But dammit if Jack Miner will give me the address of that place I’ll make a special trip to give his boss a STANDING OVATION. (I’m assuming the other customers didn’t already do so as it wasn’t mentioned in the story.

    • Aleria Snow

      I would love to know the restaurant because if it’s still open I will eat there all the time.

  • Daru Titor

    Use as directed:

    • Frank The Rat

      And after buying a “cock” gun go get us some cedar case, and those cakes we like.

      • Frank Underboob

        Did someone say they wanted a cock gun?

        • Aleria Snow

          I absolutely adore you!

          • Frank Underboob

            Well, thank you!

        • commatoes

          The gun ceases to be simply symbolic.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Does that automatic take 20 minutes and a cigarette before it can fire again?

    • Frank Underboob

      Oh great, Disqus is doing that thing again where it’s not showing me pictures in people’s comments. *grumble*

      • Morrigan In Oregon

        if you see the gears grinding, sometimes it takes some time for them to emerge. I also find it helpful to arrow all the way to the bottom of the comments just slide your browser all the way down, and back and that helps to ‘turn them on’ further down the page. YMMV

      • Daru Titor

        If you’re still having trouble:
        https://memegenerator.net/instance/68056441

    • phoenix00

      “Apply directly to the forehead”

  • Swampay

    Dear Wonkette, thank you for this article. It’s sort of a unicorn chaser to follow the other horrible shitty news that you have brought us on this Monday morning.

  • lissa511

    One reason I’m glad my ex-husband is my ex is that, while an otherwise mostly reasonable person, he behaves toward people in service industries a little like the customers in this article. Even though he was once a waiter and cook himself! (I think he learned this behavior from his dad.)

    • SessileRaptor

      We had a family friend who eventually was declared persona non grata as far as eating out went. He was a very good cook who just couldn’t stop acting like a jerk at restaurants over the most minor things. The whole family finally collectively told him he wasn’t welcome if he couldn’t behave himself.

    • RMcRAR

      Ugh, my father in law is like this. My wife’s entire family has worked in the industry extensively – they even owned a restaurant and bar at one point. But going out to eat with the FIL is just embarrassing.

      He can’t accept anything, ever. He complains about the quality of literally every single thing he orders, no matter where we go. He pesters servers with question after question about why their food isn’t up to his standards. And when servers are invariably unable to answer his questions (because how are servers supposed to be able to answer “why” questions about recipes FFS?), he gets all condescending. Literally every meal when we eat out ends with us having to hunt down our server to get the check because they’re avoiding us.

    • ksimms

      The funny thing is, I know several people who used to work at restaurants and they are THE WORST customers. Very demanding. It’s almost like the abused becoming the abuser.

      My dad was a waiter for a long time and he was the best tipper. He taught me to be look around the restaurant to see if it was understaffed before complaining about bad service. But god forbid is there were waiters hanging around the station talking and goofing off. He would wait until the end of the meal, then dress them and the manager down. It always embarrassed us kids, but he hated bad servers even more than bad customers.

    • kdl

      I have a friend like this (she’s one of those people who is really insecure and thinks that doing things like being rude to waitstaff and retail workers demonstrates her superiority in class. Ah, the irony.). I’m always nice to servers, but I am over-the-top nice in front of her both to off-set her rudeness and to try to set an example for her.

      • I AM R U

        Urgh, I cringe going out to eat with my partner’s family – they’re rude and stupid, which is a bad combination for servers. I usually interrupt, tell the poor server they can leave, and explain myself why the COLD soup they ordered will not be heated up and no, they cannot have a refund for thinking there was a mistake in the menu when it said “chilled” and then didn’t ask the server if the soup was really cold when they ordered. Shut up, drink your damn soup and stop being a child!!!! Then I tip the server because I feel so bad they had to put up with that shit (…we don’t usually tip in my country).

  • Aleria Snow

    My guess is that the restaurant Jack Miner worked at was in either Dunwoody or Assholeretta, I mean Alpharetta.

  • Jeff Morris

    Re Elena: Reminded me of the time my wife and I were celebrating our 25th at Disney World. We were at Animal Kingdom and decided to try the barbecue stand because it was lunch hour and forget trying to get into anything sit-downy. Well, the seating area for this one was pretty crowded too, but we found two spots at a large table–with one woman sitting at the far end. Not wanting to be rude, we asked if she was holding the spots and she said no. So we sat down.

    A short time later her husband came over and said the rest of her family was elsewhere and why didn’t she come join them. “No,” she said very distinctly and loudly. “I HAVE to sit here.” And to make things perfectly clear she glared at us.

    He said it was okay, they had a very nice spot… “NO. I HAVE TO SIT. HERE.” Glare.

    We ignored her and ate. My only regret is that I didn’t fart in her general direction before we left.

    • Abyss

      Maybe those were the specific coordinates the mothership had sent.

  • Courser

    Awesome stories, Pinkam! Having worked as a server in early life, I’m so delighted to hear there are a few bosses that stand up for their servers. Most people are nice, but the assholes ruin it for everyone.

  • JKMas

    Per the woman at the Cape Cod restaurant, it goes to show that money does not buy class.

    And in addition to seeming like a real Mrs. Robinson type, she’s clearly also one of those women who drink wine in the stereotypical mold of TV series’ and chick flicks; see “no class,” above. She ordered a glass of pinot grigio (lol, 90% of the time) with *dessert* (double lol)???? My God, that’s Nat King Cole singing “I Love You for Alcoholic Reasons” territory.

    • redlace

      It’s pronounced “Piglio Griglio”

      • Danniella_Bee

        I still regularly refer to pino this way because its so damn funny.

  • TJ Zzyzzx

    I don’t understand. Are they kicking you out? I have noticed that your columns haven’t been featured on the main part of the site for a few weeks.

    Why don’t your employers realize how good your column is? You’ve attracted so many people (like me) who are now grateful never to have to go to Jezebel again and who have donated to Wonkette. I hope this change is your decision or I won’t be returning to Wonkette.

    • rebecca

      no, we definitely didn’t fire him; Thrillist offered him better cash. As to his stories not being featured on the main part of the site? Every post we do goes on the homepage chronologically, so I’m not sure what you mean!

      • TJ Zzyzzx

        I’m very glad to hear that! Wonkette has grown on me a lot and I wasn’t ready to hear you guys would treat him like the Gawker people did. I’m disappointed to hear he is leaving. I couldn’t imagine it would be by choice because Thrillist seems to have a bit of a content mill whiff about it.

        In the past few weeks, I haven’t seen any of his columns featured on the main part of the site, but have had to go hunting for them. I wondered if you guys were gearing up to get rid of him, but maybe I’ve been checking the site at weird times.

        • rebecca

          yeah, no, things just move down the page! he always starts right up top!

          • SkinlessGenderlessMan

            Ubertrout coming here – and, thankfully, staying for the politics – has gotten y’all a die-hard follower; yrs truly. Love the place, love the snark, love the commitment to standards of behaviour, sorry to see OTM moving from where I’m not allowed to comment to a place where I refuse to comment…

            Much like the Daily Show, Wonkette has become my Fair and Balanced source for news and commentary. Please keep it happening!!

          • TJ Zzyzzx

            Right, I appreciate the commenting system here too. I’m a proud feminist, but got sent to the greys and then banned (I think–not really sure how Kinja works at Gawker) at Jezebel.

            First I stuck up for “Dear Prudence” when they were sticking the knife into her, then I commented that an article about people’s appearances was rather nasty, then I asked why articles focus mostly on appearance and other issues that affect wealthy women, and never issue like poverty or childcare. I’m not as much of a spoilsport as I may sound; I was pretty polite. They just don’t want to hear anything that doesn’t toe the party line there.

            I hated supporting Jezebel by reading Pinkham’s columns there. Wonkette is great.

          • Frank Underboob

            BCO was the only part of Gawker where I wasn’t a lowly grey. It’s a shitty way to run a comment system. After Pinkham left, there was no longer any point in me commenting on the site, given how few people would be likely to see my comments.

          • I AM R U

            Mark did a comment amnesty when he left, on Jezebel – pretty sure that’s how I got out of the greys there.

          • Lily412

            Me too. Came for the Pinkham, stayed for the snark. I love hating on some morans.

          • cat cafe

            Same here, FWIW, only came over here to follow Colin, and am really enjoying the site. Love the snark, the clever turns of phrase, the attitude, the trusty news coverage. Also enjoy that I can “comment” here (even if they aren’t allowed). Never could ever figure out Kinja and just gave up.

            I also love, love, love how the comments are decently moderated so you actually can have an exchange of ideas, or jokes, or even a real conversation with someone. The vile, abusive bullying and trolling that infests FB-comment sites, including trolls following you back to your FB pages, is really tiresome. You don’t want to give in to the bullies and the nasty trolls, but life is really too short….

            So thanks for creating a site where there can actually be dialogue. And, no, Frank Underboob, it would NOT be funny if you reply this with an abusive trolling post, but, actually yes, it would be funny.

          • I AM R U

            I second this – I really love Wonkette now that I’m here, and even the trolls are a better class of monster! I’m shattered Pinkie’s moving, and I won’t be commenting because I don’t need trolls following my facebook profile home (seriously, I like to keep that private).
            But I’ll read OTM elsewhere, and stay here for the community, the very well written stories, and the snark.

          • Abyss

            FRANKBAITING!!!!!

        • C.A. Pinkham

          I’m not even really leaving! My posts will still be appearing here, just not OTM. Everything else that I’ve been doing, I’ll still be doing. :-)

          • Velveetabush

            I will follow you to AOL if I have to, Mr Pinkham…

      • Diane T.

        I’m very glad to hear that too, because I was about to pull my monthly $5 donation. So he’ll still be writing for Wonkette, but the popular column is moving?

        • rebecca

          yes, correct!

    • SessileRaptor

      As I understand it, the smaller reader base of Wonkette meant he wasn’t getting many email submissions of new stories to use for the feature so he was kind of running out of material. He’s hoping that the move will fix that and I can’t blame him for trying even if I wish he had been able to find a better site.

    • C.A. Pinkham

      This change is entirely my decision — I just got a really good offer money-wise, and hopefully a chance to increase submissions numbers, which have been flagging lately. It has nothing to do with not being satisfied with Wonkette and everything to do with being made an offer I couldn’t refuse.

      • King of America

  • enfilmigult

    That first story is the single most satisfying shitty customer story I have read in months, and I read them routinely. Make that boss president of everything.

  • HazooToo

    Good luck, Pinky. But I’m not following you to Thrillist. I’ve found my forever home. Thanks for leading the way!

    • enfilmigult

      I’m going to be straddling the two I think—I just can’t give up the sweet sweet BCO/OTM stories.

      • Meg Ruth King

        straddling

        • enfilmigult

          I can’t figure out if this is a question, a bot or just “he said ‘straddling,’ heh heh heh”

    • rebecca

      that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said.

  • HiHoSilver

    Moving again? Oh fine fine fine, I’ll go find the tent pegs and pull em out. Just fill me in on when and where the caravan is moving.

    • C.A. Pinkham

      Thrillist. Next Monday.

      • HiHoSilver

        I’ll be there, following along!

        • kareema

          Me too, but it will be with an eyeroll and a sigh.

      • Kourei

        Ugh, any idea what time today it will be up? I looked at Thrillist just now and, well, I’ll just say I couldn’t locate it.

  • dead_elvis, inc.

    Jack Miner’s boss is the hero we deserve!

    My one complaint, other that it sucks OTM is moving to Thrillist & its Fecesbook commenting system, is that the best story (Miner’s) should have been saved for last.

  • My Name Is Mok

    Oh well, I guess we’re moving again. You can’t trust the Specials like the old time coppers when you can’t find you way ‘ome…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfW3TxQhy20

  • King of America

    Went out on a high note.

  • SecludedCompound

    Jack Miner’s boss is a working class hero. That was the best revenge porn I’ve read in a while.

  • xy

    please don’t me go to Thrillist. that place is so far up it’s own ass you can’t see it’s arms anymore.

  • Chaos_Aurelius

    did somebody mention about “tell him what she wrote and he cracked up as well” ?
    was late to party *again* seeing as I’m living at the other side of the world

  • Zango LeHoonery

    Congratulations on the new gig! I’ll wander over yonder and check out the new digs.

  • malsperanza

    I can’t cope with Facebook commenting. But I am glad that Pinkham will still be wonketting on other snarkworthy subjects. Perhaps the occasional food reference may sneak in. Any minute now I expect the Republican candidates to declare that mustard is a vegetable. We will be ready!

    • agreed, there’s something badly wrong with the commenting plugin from Book of Face, still can’t figure out why.

    • Frank Underboob

      Technically, mustard is a vegetable. I mean, it’s not an animal, mineral, or fungus, right?

      • Jonny On Maui

        Mustard is a seed, therefore if memory serves, a spice and yes, from the vegetable branch of the tree of life.

        • Zyxomma

          Am I the only person here who has eaten mustard greens?

          • Jonny On Maui

            No, I just spaced them as I haven’t had them in a long, long time.

            Mustard seed though, I use a lot… Thanks for the reminder!

      • malsperanza

        That’s just what Reagan said!

    • I AM R U

      I will read but likely no longer comment :( Maybe we can spend a few moments no commenting here on Pinkham’s posts about his off the menu stuff out yonder?

  • BigHank53

    This one is my favorite manager story, as told by the inimitable John Rogers:

    http://kfmonkey.blogspot.com/2006/07/bar-talk.html

    Little long, and it’s from thirty years in the past. But well worth the read.

    • Frank Underboob

      Great story!

  • strangeangel24601

    My mom owns a tax preparation business and she had to “fire” a client just last season. Sometimes it’s just not worth their money.

    • I worked in tax prep for a little bit & we had to do the same thing – people faxing (faxing!1!1!!!) things on the afternoon of the 14th & then pissed at us for filing an extension.

  • Greg, my guess is that had to be somewhere either in New Jersey or eastern Massachusetts, the only two places where cock & caulk sound alike

    • kvalle001

      We also pronounce cock and caulk almost identically in a good chunk of Canada.

    • Glenn Davey

      My guess is she was of indian descent… but I guess that makes me racist (or just from Melbourne, Australia… where we have all the colours of the human rainbow)

      • Frank Underboob

        Another Melbun boy? Nice to meet you!

    • Jennifer

      Nope, I’m in California (life-long) and in my 50’s, and I usually say them as homonyms. Ditto “wok” and “walk”. I *can* put the “l” sound into “caulk” but it’s not my usual pronunciation.

      • sarcasticcupcakes

        East Tennessee, 31. Same, as well as pen/pin, caught/cot, and many of the other mergers commonly found in Southern English.

    • dunemi

      I used to work on a fishing boat in Seattle, and the fishermen pronounced it “cork” . I had to cork the deck.

  • Daisyjreyes3

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cg343ctwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cg343n:➽:➽:➽➽➽➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsHubGetPayHourly$98…. .❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦::::::!cg343n….,..

  • Justin A.

    I’ve dealt with situations similar to the panera ladder story so many times over the course of my career. People are ridiculous.

  • vixenmonkey

    Tuna salad in a tomato is awesome.

    • Foxbite

      My Nana used to think so too. This must have been a 50s thing.

    • ShinyBlueThing

      This. Also, I can’t believe it hasn’t been heartily embraced/revived by the gluten free/low carb food restriction crowd who do things like put eggs in avocados. it seems like the perfect thing for them.

      • EditKitten

        Oh, it has. My “program” recommends it heartily. I enjoy it!

      • Tana Siemaszko

        Yes in a tomato or a pepper, I can’t eat raw tomatoes, but I like tuna or chicken salad in a bell pepper.

      • ahughes798

        I always liked to put my favorite salsa in the hole left by the seed of the avocado. Simple and delicious.

    • darksun1

      I love tuna salad in a tomato. I wish there were more places that offered it!

    • holopants

      Never done it before…but I’d do it.

      • Doug Langley

        It’s yummy. Trust me.

  • goddessoftransitory

    The wedding “MY TABLE MINE” woman and the “I must haves soda” lady illustrate the Oblivious Person just perfectly. The way they literally cannot fathom that reality sometimes doesn’t conform to their every wish so hey, just drag that ladder WITH A PERSON ON IT outta your way, right?

  • Nafish12

    This is what I’m talking about when I say the quality of the stories in this column have gone down: “OMG, She wrote “cock” instead of “caulk”! HAHAHAHAHA!”

    • enfilmigult

      Oh come on, that isn’t even the joke. It’s the situation/sentence in which she made that mistake that makes it hilarious.

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        That and the fact that everyone – including the boss – had a laugh at the mistake. You don’t know how rare that is in food service.

  • merryswan

    “Thrillist is a leading men’s digital lifestyle brand.” Oh blech. I can’t even bring myself to bookmark that. I’ll just have to remember to go there, somehow. But, if it means I don’t have to visit this, the ugliest site since Geocities, I’ll be happy. And I don’t wish to give any “munneyz” just to get rid of “13 movies where they really did it” or “boy, aren’t these celebs SO FAT” on the bottom, sides, and in the middle of every page.

  • SeeTrain65

    All right, fair warning: If you see this and “tl/dr” me, I completely understand. But I did want to point out that three stories remind me of specific comedy bits, two from Jeff Garlin, one from Jim Gaffigan, and one from Robert Klein.

    Jack Miner’s story reminds me of Jeff Garlin’s HBO Comedy Half Hour special. In the pre-show portion, sitting at a table with other comedians, like Patton Oswalt, Dave Chappelle, Kathleen Madigan, Harlan Williams and Warren Hutcherson, Garlin once talked about his worst night in comedy, a bar in Chicago where he did jokes about Walter Payton and the Bears. The club owner suddenly appeared on stage and ended his show prematurely, then called him back to his office and berated him, saying, “What’s so funny about Walter Payton?” Garlin replied, “I was just telling stories about the Bears.” The owner replies, “What’s so fucking funny about Walter Payton? That’s it! I’m not paying you tonight, and I never want to see you back at my club again!” Garlin then told the rest of the comedians, “Like I’d ever want to go back there! ‘Hi, remember me? How’s Walter Payton today?'”

    Greg Danvers’ story also reminds me of a Garlin bit about when he had to caulk his bathroom tile. He put it off so often that after a late taping of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm,’ he found a note from his wife reading, “Caulk, fucker.” So, late at night, he caulks his bathroom tile — and loves it. When he’s finished, he uses his kids’ bathroom to get ready for bed, but when he brushes his teeth, he accidentally swallows a bit of caulk and panics. He rushes to the phone and calls the Poison Control Center, and tells the person at the end of the line, “Hey, I’ve got some caulk in my mouth.” They hang up. He’s confused and calls again and, as he tells it, “I think it’s the same person, and say, ‘No, really! I’ve got some caulk in my mouth!'” They hang up again. Finally, it gets through to him why they’re hanging up. He calls again, and this time says, “Hi. I, by accident, just got some ‘CAULK’ in my mouth.” The man, who was, as Garlin states, “obviously gay,” (his words, not mine) asks how he got caulk in his mouth. He explains and they look up the ingredients, and the guy on the line tells him there’s nothing to worry about. Garlin then tells the man on the phone what happened before, and the man on the phone tells him, “They don’t even know the subtlety of the word.”

    Finally, Emily Litman’s story reminds me of a part of Jim Gaffigan’s bit, not coincidentally, about McDonald’s. Gaffigan says, “McDonald’s has made us lazy and impatient in good restaurants. You’ll go into a good restaurant and say, ‘I’ll have the hamburger. … Where is it?’ The waiter says, ‘And how would you like that?’ And you say, “Now! I’d like it now!'”

    Emily’s tale also reminds me of a Robert Klein story. He said, “I had a Kielbasa sausage in the Pittsburgh International Airport there’s going to be a lawsuit over. Do you know how, in fancy restaurants, there are signs saying, ‘Please be patient. Good food takes time to prepare?’ In this place there was a sign saying, ‘Please wait the full 11 seconds for the microwave to cook this Kielbasa sausage, making certain you and the rest of your family become genetic mutations.'”

    Oh, by the way, I just tried to re-read this. TL/DR.

  • skeletizzle

    I had a Russian guy threaten me because I told him he couldn’t smoke inside the crazy gay bar where I used to bartend. I’ve seen it all 18+ months in but damn this guy took the fucking cake. First of, he refused to acknowledge a female bar manager when greeted, then proceeded to tell me he’s going to get out place shut down because people parked in front of his boss’ business at 1130 pm unless we cut them in on our business. As he’s ranting away, I take care of one of my favorite regulars, this big bodybuilding bear Russ because I know his drink without him asking and you would have thought I had just pissed on his mother’s grave in front of him. Started laying into me about my poor customer service skills, how he’s going to beat my ass for not doing what he commanded, and he picks up a cigarette and lights it AFTER REPEATED ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN THERE IS NO SMOKING WITHIN COUNTY LIMITS (OK kinda bullshit, it’s city limits but he’s foreign and a stranger in an establishment with rules and decorum…take your mess to the bathroom, VIP or outside by the dumpster…secluded but the fuzz are patrons too). Russ is cozied right up next to him so I dared to think i had back up if this shit hit the fan and ripped the cig mid drag out of his piehole, broke it in half, tossed it in his drink and said DO THE RULES NOT APPLY TO YOU ASSHOLE? RUSS grabbed him by the shoulders after he reached over the bar top to grab me and said I DONT FUCKING THINK SO SHITHEAD!!! He’s caught off guard because he began to realize where he is (gay bar with no sign & big crowd) and proceeded to apologize after 5 other bears (and one scary looking drag queen) surround him and asks to speak to the owner. I inform him I would be absolutely sure to get him after he’s done as MC for the local queens/kings show in about 20 min. He talked to the boss after his self imposed exile out front (who knows what he saw going down in cars out there) and gave his boss’ offer. We declined after we promised to tell patrons not to park in front of their closed in the late night and on weekends establishment.

    I loved that job even with all the drama that came with it. Quit/fired several months later after a dumb misunderstanding thanks to new management. From what I hear the bar’s clientele had changed too, which is sad because every type from the LGBTQXYZ1237 community called it their home.

    And Russ totally hooked me up for Madonna MDNA 2012 tour a couple years later. I owe that guy for life as a Straight Married White-Hispanic Lady, I am a card carrying member of the Gay Mafia (or so his burly ass says). Saved my ass from some misogynist. I should call him tomorrow.

    • Frank Underboob

      Aw, that is such a lovely story! *sniffle*

  • Great stories. The lady at the reception (actually both the wedding and holiday ones) made me so mad I almost burned Sunday Night Pancakes (oh nooo!). Why do some folks who are getting a FREE meal act like they are doing the world a favor????

    That said, congrats on the new gig, Pinkham. I’m starting a new thing myself tomorrow, and will enjoy the company. It’s great that your stuff is in demand, and it’s up to us to keep sending stories, and not get all complain-y about it.

  • Frank Underboob

    Well, I checked out the column at its new home, & it was fine. I have no idea what the comment section there was like though, because all I got when I clicked on the comments button was some spinny thing that never went away:

    • dj_1973

      It’s Facebook comments. :(

    • ShinyBlueThing

      You found our secret hideout, though, so it’s all good.

  • gonegirl

    Is there a human being alive who doesn’t become thirteen years old when they start talking about caulk? Making caulk jokes is basically the only think that makes caulking enjoyable or worthwhile.

    “ROOMMATE, I NEED MORE CAULK!”

    “It was only funny the first time.”

    “IT IS ALWAYS FUNNY! MORE! MORE!”

  • JustDon’tSayDittos

    That last story re-affirmed my delusion of justice in the world. Sweet, sweet delusion!

    I’ve been to dinner with shouty lady’s doppelganger. It’s hard to ruin my appetite, but she managed it.

  • r m reddicks

    I would forever work for Jack Miner’s boss and endeavour to emulate her. And I’d happily work for the NFP woman in the last bit though I’d prefer she had fired the shouty woman on the spot instead of “writing her up”. It’s beyond my ken why anyone targets the waitrii with their odd nonsense.

  • ShinyBlueThing

    Secret non-facebook comment clubhouse is here: https://disqus.com/home/channel/bcootmofftherecord/

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