Man, it is almost impossible to keep track of the things that Donald Trump will bluster over/lie about/deeply misunderstand. We thought about asking Shypixel to build a widget or something to keep track of it, but he retreated to the corner muttering something about pingbacks and server-side calls and we think what he was basically saying was that such a widget would blow Wonkette up because it would be updating far too fast. So instead, we’re stuck trying to write individual posts each time that dumb braggadocio-fueled motherfucker masquerading as an actual presidential candidate opens his face hole.
So what is Donald mad about today? How these other lesser candidates like John Kasich are wrecking his life by not just letting him be President already Jesus Christ.
“All [Kasich is] doing is just, he goes from place to place and loses, and he keeps running. Well, why doesn’t Marco Rubio do that? Why doesn’t Jeb Bush do that? Why didn’t all of them do that?” Trump said to reporters. “Now if he wants to go and have his name put in nomination in the convention, he can do that. He doesn’t have to run and take my votes.”
To be honest, we’re not sure why Rubio and Bush didn’t just stay in, hoping they could pick off a delegate or two. Not because they could win, of course, but just because it would piss Trump off. Hell, Rubio had so much GOP establishment support behind him that he could probably have raised money from the Republican faithful who are mortified by Trump all the way up to 2019 or so.
Trump went on to display a remarkable memory of the other sad losers who had fallen before him, both of whom we’d already forgotten about.
“You could have had [Jim] Gilmore stay in. I mean, to be honest with you, Gilmore could have just stayed in. A guy like [George] Pataki could have just stayed in, he had zero.”
Seriously, we totally did not remember that Pataki even ran this time around. Did you guys??
Notably, Trump didn’t savage some other sad losers who had fallen before him, like Chris Christie and Ben Carson, because they’re basically kneeling before him now instead. Sorry, we just grossed ourselves out. Let’s get back to Trump being mad about John Kasich right quick.
Trump’s main beef with Kasich, it seems, is that somehow Kasich is only picking off the votes that Trump should get while Cruz gets off scot-free or something.
“Because he’s taking my votes. He’s not taking Cruz’s votes. He’s taking my votes,” Trump reiterated Sunday.
With Kasich still in the race, Trump said that he will be unable to garner the necessary delegates to win outright presenting an increasing likelihood of a contested convention in Cleveland.
Wait. Are there enough Wonkefarians to move to all the remaining states in time to ensure Kasich keeps chipping away at The Donald long enough to absofuckinglutely guarantee a contested convention? We want that more than we want to continue walking on God’s green earth, honestly, because that will be the highlight of every lefty blogger’s political life, basically.
So even though Kasich is a terrifying Planned Parenthood-defunding nightmare made EverydadFlesh, we are pulling for him hard right now. Stay strong, John Kasich, you delusional weirdo that actually wants to create a new federal agency to ram Christianity down furriners’ throats. All you gotta do is hang on until mid-July. Given that Kasich seems utterly divorced from reality as far as his chances at winning go, it probably won’t take much to convince him to take this sucker all the way. Cleveland, here we come.