land of the free drink with order
We spend a lot of time blasting our planet-melting, employee-hazing, and buzzword-creating Corporate People. But like Aerosmith songs, they’re not all bad. Isn’t it about time we gave out some gold stars?

Expanded Access To Abortion Pill Somehow Punishing Poor Right To Lifers

In a move supported by the radicals at the American Congress of Obstestricians and Gynecologists, the FDA expanded the time frame for use of the abortion pill Mifeprex (aka RU-486) to 70 days of gestation from the current 49 days. Upon application from distributor Danco Laboratories, the FDA also eased the recommended dose of the drug and dropped the number of required visits to a doctor.

The people who spend their Saturdays holding aborted fetus photos above highway overpasses are pissssssed.

“It’s expanding the customer base for the abortion industry,” Randall O’Bannon, director of education and research for the National Right to Life organization.

Big Abortion can’t wait to sink its claws into these juicy gestation periods. Think of the kids.

“Did you see that ad for Mifeprex? We should totally go get pregnant so we can drop some pills 62 days from now and go on Snapchat while we have our uteri medically evacuated,” said no woman ever.

Danco Laboratories. Your pills may be made in China but for providing much needed medical options and momentarily distracting the lunatics from Jesus-ly attacking a Planned Parenthood, you get a gold star!

Snitchin’ Tech Co Our Foreign Corporate Person Of The Week

No one is more patriotic than Joe Shareholder. And in an altruistic display of marketplace freedom, shareholders everywhere are showing their support for the parent company of the Israeli firm Cellebrite, the folks who allegedly helped the FBI hack into the iPhone of the San Bernardino mass murderer.

Shares of Sun Corp., a Japanese maker of pinball-style games, have soared since reports surfaced that an Israeli company it owns helped the U.S. government hack into an iPhone involved in a terrorist attack.

But it’s not really War on Terror profiteering since they’re helping the Feds sift through all this guy’s porn and voice memos and probably finding that crucial piece of information that will help us wipe out ISIS once and for all without incurring pesky civilian casualties or shedding another ounce of American blood.

Shares of the company have almost doubled since February 16th, the day Apple decided to be all lame about valuing privacy and market share. We are issuing a “Maybe Buy? But Also Maybe Sell?” rating on this stock, but noting they’re heroes keeping us safe through the magic of mobile forensics. Like a diminutive and socially awkward Mossad. Godspeed.

Could Google Send April Fool’s Day To Same Place It Sent Jeeves?

April Fools’. That’s a fun occasion (No it’s not – APRIL FOOLS!) Maybe Google, noted class clown among corporate entities, will help put an end to terrible jokes with a knee-slapper of its own.

Google has removed an April Fool’s Gmail button, which sent a comical animation to recipients, after reports of people getting into trouble at work.

The button appeared beside Gmail’s normal send button and allowed users to shut down an email thread by sending a gif of a Minion dropping a microphone

First of all, the only way to stop a bad email chain is with a good email chain — or possibly a heart-to-heart with your uncle about how being able to walk into a Sears without putting out your smoke isn’t necessarily going to make America great again.

Complaints flowed in to Google like they had just done something mildly provocative at a Super Bowl Halftime Show. Professionalism ceased. Chaos reigned. Customers bailed from commission-driven sales bros.

Honestly, these customers must be totally tight-assed or just have extremely high standards for meme humor. (And shouldn’t we all?) Of course, there was the one funeral home representative who accidentally sent a poorly timed mic drop.

And speaking of funerals, is it time to put April Fool’s Day to rest? Only the Corporate People (and independently owned gag shops) have the power. Google has apologized but stopped short of refusing to continue their hilarity next year. So a year from now, get ready for ever Google search to result in Scott Baio reading Shakespeare for LOLZ.

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  • Toomush_Infer

    April 2 was enough of an April Fool’s joke…

  • TheGrandWaz00

    ♪ Cellebrite good times, come on! ♪

    • Msgr_Moment

      Cellebrite, Cellebrite.
      Hack that damn iPhone

      Apologies to Three Dog Night, PBUT.

  • SadDemInTex

    oh god…will it ever stop?

    • Blank Ron

      No. No, it won’t.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The Forced Birthers seem to think that there is as much money in the Abortionplex business as there is in Televangelism.

    Which is why they’re constantly harping on the “Abortion Industry”.

  • Jonny On Maui
  • Iron Monkey

    It’s expanding the customer base for the abortion industry,

    No, how about just “increasing demand and the number of potential buyers” which is what companies do. As long as RU-486 remains safe and effective at 70 days (i.e. Danco doesn’t get sued more often) then they are just acting in the best interests of the bottom line and their shareholders, something that the anti-capitalist radicals of RTL don’t understand.

    “Fuck you RTL” says the ghost of Jay Gould.

    • Msgr_Moment

      which is what companies do.

      IK,R? It’s like getting particularly incensed that doctors get money for abortions, rather than just making their normal commission via E-babby.

  • DerrickWildcat

    It’s pretty easy.
    Password: 1
    Access denied
    Password: 2
    Access denied
    You keep trying until you get,
    Access granted.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Works on dates, too.

      • Hutch

        Depends quite a bit on the password.

    • Skadi

      Unless you have one of those security programs that either locks after a certain number of failures, requiring you to contact customer service with proof of identity, or wipes the phone’s memory completely. See “A Scandal in Belgravia” for further details.

  • weejee

    When will the Wonket company store start selling branded Teslas?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      THAT is one smooth ride!

      • Toomush_Infer

        And it runs on hobo beans!…

    • TheBidenator

      Yeah like I can afford THAT on my salary…I can barely keep myself filled up with wanking material and that stuff is free….

  • TheBidenator

    As a stakeholder in one of the abortionplexes this announcement is incredibly upsetting as it will constitute a decrease in our client base. Decreasing our client base will make us less able to continue to staff the multiplex and the theme park rides which will in turn account to the losses of our “Babby Courture” dishes with further losses expected in our all-in-one parts catalog due to a supply bottleneck. Instead we propose making ‘bortion far more accessible by providing tax-free domiciles and interest free loans for 10 year terms to expand “Abortion Funland, Inc” with our subsidiary “Christian Babby ‘Borters R’ Us”.

    Thank You,

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Why does Big Christian hate the free market?

  • Bitter Scribe

    “It’s expanding the customer base for the abortion industry,” [said] Randall O’Bannon, director of education and research for the National Right to Life organization.

    You know what really expands the customer base for the abortion industry? Asshats who put up every roadblock they can to contraception access, such as trying to stop insurance plans from paying for it or schools from helping teenage girls get it.

    Gee, if you drew a Venn diagram of those asshats and the Right to Life asshats, I wonder how big the common area would be?

    • Toomush_Infer

      New Ad: “70 days to leave your fetus”….

      • John Smith

        Or prevention:

        “just slip in the back jack”

        • H0mer0

          every man’s dream anyway, from what I heard.

          • gedjcj


          • John Smith

            But(t) only available on their birthday!

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    The only protection against bad people with abortion pills are good people with abortion pills.

    Pills don’t abort babies. People do.

  • Nounverb911

    Needs more April fools….

    • Callyson

      Love it!

    • I call bullshit. No way would Anon be in the tank for Hillz. They seem evenly split between Berniebros, Rand Paul die-hards and THE FED DID 9/11 nutbars.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    OT: I’m surprised Wonkette hasn’t hopped on this Paul LePage story:
    I’m not sure which is worse, a Republican who does his job, or one who refuses to.

    ETA: I’ll eat my words, since Doktor Zoom hopped right on it!!!!!!!

    • TheBidenator

      Yes. The worst is a Republican holding elected office of consequence in the first place….

    • Mr Corrections
      • Vegan and Tiara

        Now I know why they call you “Mr. Corrections, Miss Jackson if you’re Nasty.”
        I’ve already edited my statement!

        • Mr Corrections

          I think that story appeared in the same minute as your post!

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I know, it freaked me out a little bit. Apparently my wish is Wonkette’s command.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Use your power wisely.

            get moar babby videos…

          • Vegan and Tiara

            If I had my way, we’d switch to an all Donna Rose format. Politics has become such a grind, and Donna Rose never fails to be adorable and make me happy. Now I know how a grandparent feels. Thanks, DR!

          • Me not sure

            Donna Rose for President / 2052!

  • guppy06

    Shares of Sun Corp., a Japanese maker of pinball-style games

    “Pachinko.” The came is called “pachinko.”

    Waaaaaiiiiit a sec… Did they hack the iPhone with the help of Parlor Ishikawa?

    • theCryptofishist

      All I know is that if the Pogues sing about it, it must be cool.

    • Me not sure

      You would have thought that those geniuses a the NSA would have had something to do with breaking into the I-Phone. I would never have guessed that Japanese -Jewish Pachinko- Tech conglomerate would have done it. Banzai/Mazel tov!

      • H0mer0

        bonsai molotov, also too!

    • TheBoatDude

      Isn’t pachinko that game on The Price is Right?

      • guppy06

        That’s “Plinko,” but similar concept with bouncing among pins while falling. Replace the disks with steel balls and move the target pockets part-way up the board. Landing in such a pocket gets you more balls (like a winning with a slot machine gets you more quarters), while balls that make it all the way to the bottom are lost.

        You then trade your balls (ha!) in for ski-ball-like prizes, prizes which you can then take next door to a completely unaffiliated and non-coordinating business (think “superPAC”) that just happens to buy ski-ball-like prizes for cash, because gambling laws.

  • Callyson

    “It’s expanding the customer base for the abortion industry,” Randall O’Bannon, director of education and research for the National Right to Life organization.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      “I award you no point, and now just fuck right off”

      I’m done with that mercy bullshit

    • NoGoodnik

      Isn’t that a bit disingenuous, call it an industry and a market? Do we talk about a heart transplant industry? A bone-setting market? That kind of intellectual dishonesty is what is eroding this country.

    • TheBoatDude

      Yet, he has nothing to say about the military-industrial complex ant their killing machines…

  • LoveSW_Prequels

    “But like Aerosmith songs, they’re not all bad.”
    Genius. A tip of the cap to you good sir.

  • Me not sure

    Who the fuck gets bent out of shape over an email with a Minion animation? Get a life, will ya?

    • SessileRaptor

      I can see situations where the combo of the gif and the fact that replies are muted would cause problems, particularity if you’re sending business emails.

      • Me not sure

        Fair enough, but still…

    • Hijabi Rockstar

      Hijabi Rockstar’s Unpopular Opinion: Pay attention to what buttons you are pushing. Particularly, pay attention in case you hit a suspicious buttons labelled “mic drop” which appeared on April 1st. Especially if you are a funeral director.

      • Me not sure

        I agree wholeheartedly. Also never propose to a woman based entirely on the fact that you think her legs are fabulous.

    • Biff52

      Minions, like peeps, deserve all the scorn they get.

  • witsended

    If you are going to do Tech stories please focus on the important ones like this.

    A 42-year-old product and graphic designer in Hong Kong spent a year-and-a-half and more than $50,000 to build a female robot that’s meant to resemble a Hollywood actress whom he doesn’t want to name. (It’s Scarlett Johansson.) The crop-topped humanoid responds to a set of verbal commands and makes facial expressions.

    Ricky Ma built the full-size robot, dubbed “Mark 1,” from scratch on his balcony, thus fulfilling a childhood dream, according to Reuters. “During this process, a lot of people would say things like, ‘Are you stupid? This takes a lot of money. Do you even know how to do it? It’s really hard,’” Ma said.

    • Me not sure

      Clever people, those Honkenese.

    • tihond

      You left out an answer to the question we’re all thinking… What does Bill Murray say to this robot at the end of “Lost in Translation?”

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        “You gotta think like a gopher, act like a gopher…you gotta get inside his skin and crawl around awhile.”

    • Jonny On Maui

      Anybody take that extra step and click on the Yangyang link?

      • Biff52

        I remembered it from last year. She looks much kinder than you-know-who. Also smarter.

        • Jonny On Maui

          A bag of rocks looks kinder than you-know-who…

      • Zyxomma

        Yes. The resemblance is what I didn’t see, and the robot’s definitely got more brainpower.

    • MizzMazz

      I saw that elsewhere. It looked freaky to me, but if he’s just spending his own money and not putting it up in my face, I don’t really care. There’s quite a lot of this kind of robotics happening all over, like Like I said, I was creeped out by it, but it’s interesting. My favorite robotic story was about a guy who built an artificial girlfriend bust and programmed it with an A.I. he designed or built on; can’t remember. The funny part was that his robot girlfriend ultimately broke up with him because he looked at too much porn.

      • Jonny On Maui

        When female sex robots are finally perfected the MRA idiots will be gone in a generation.

        • MizzMazz

          One can only hope, but how much you wanna bet they’ll complain if she doesn’t make him a sandwich after very disappointing sex?

          • Jonny On Maui

            I wonder at what point we’ll be more concerned about the AI than the MRA?

            I’m gonna go with just about instantly…

          • jmk

            They won’t know it’s disappointing – they’d have nothing to compare it to.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I’m wondering, which side of the equation are you referring to?


          • jmk

            Yup – both.

            Of the two, though, the one I feel sorry for is the robot.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Same here!

  • JustDon’tSayDittos

    !!!11!!! Aerosmith lib…

    …no, you’re right, carry on.

  • Pugsandcoffee

    Scott Baio doing anything is less prancing and more trolling.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    My question is: How do we know they actually did break into the iPhone? They could just say they did, and we wouldn’t know one way or another. Because I bet you $1 there’s nothing on that phone worth all this time and trouble, ’cause the terrorist guy was pretty smart about all his other technology. I’m not saying this is so, just that it crossed my mind, because I have trouble believing anything the FBI says.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Let me channel my inner wingnut…

      how do we know the whole thing wasn’t a hoax? the nsa was into that thing on day 1 and this whole show is just to keep the sheeple satisfied that they’re shit is safe when we all know that no 1s shit is safe…

      • Angela Ruzzo

        They PROBABLY didn’t sue Apple as part of a hoax, BUT. . . it is definitely possible, you are right about that. The problem here is remembering that the folks at the FBI and NSA are NOT as smart as some conspiracy theories and spy fiction imply they are.

        • alnnc

          I would bet that Apple already has the ability to hack into iPhone security. After all, we are talking about Apple. They developed the software, they may also have developed the system to unlock it. But revealing that would really affect their marketing and sales. And they will fight to keep that info private.

        • Courser

          The feds were hoping to establish precedent – be the first to crack Apple. Then, the whole thing went public. And THEN Scalia croaked. After that, they pretty much knew that Apple wouldn’t cave.

          From what I’ve heard, yes, the feds had that phone cracked long ago.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            This idea did cross my mind. Nothing is uncrackable.

        • Jonny On Maui

          “The problem here is remembering that the folks at the FBI and NSA are NOT as smart as some conspiracy theories and spy fiction imply they are.”

          You are correct. And I’m still gonna make it hurt, sorry, truly.

          They’re smarter, do not doubt it…

          • Angela Ruzzo

            They undoubtedly do have some very smart people working for them. But they are not the ones making decisions behind the curtains. Their weakness is that they underestimate us. Congress, of course, doesn’t know DNS from a lettuce, so it’s easy to fool them.

      • Courser

        I was around when the internet started, back in the days of the 26-whatever baud modom. Even back then, and I’d just graduated from college, I knew that once you put something out there, it was there, somewhere forever. Same with almost any technology.

        • Jonny On Maui

          I was there too, one of the first industries connected. Security and ‘data spills’ were an issue then as now.

        • OddMan

          Usenet and Alt.flame? Usine Pine to real e-mail?

          • h4rr4r

            Pine? No Elm. Get off my lawn.

      • limberrat

        Honestly, when the case arose, I had a suspicion it was already hacked and they were finding info to use against ISIS or their supporters. Once they acted on the intel that might have been on the phone, they claimed they had unlocked it. If they had to make someone, like the FBI look like idiots, then so be it. Trust me, there are some really odd cover stories to keep a program classified.

      • MrCanoehead

        no 0s either

    • Jonny On Maui

      We live in an age where all data has value so no data can be left unmined. Worth is only known after the nugget has been pried free and washed off, til then, no one knows…

      • Angela Ruzzo

        We are told all data has value, but I can’t say I agree. I think it is an illusion. All data must, in the end, be interpreted by people, and people have this tendency to see patterns where none exist, and to miss obvious patterns that are staring them in the face.

        • Jonny On Maui

          The value of the raw data comes apparent once you start to manipulate it. You are right, it’s an illusion. But that doesn’t stop the acquision.

          • NoGoodnik

            It also doesn’t stop the logical necessity of looking in order to know one way or the other that information useful to the investigation is on the phone or not. You gotta look or you’d be remiss.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            You’ve gotta TRY to look, as best you can, but forcing a shakedown of Apple security systems with serious long-term fallout that nobody can currently foresee is going too far. FBI should have accepted what the rest of us know, which is that we can’t have absolutely everything we want every time we want it. They already know quite a lot about these terrorists, they should concentrate on what they know and see where it leads them.

          • NoGoodnik

            I do not think that there should be any providence of our lives that the government cannot reach with good cause. A warrant can give access to every aspect of our lives; I cannot for the life me understand why the information on my phone should be beyond the reach of a warrant.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            It’s not so much the “gaining access” I object to, it’s what they do with the data when they get it. For example, I have relatives who are half Syrian. Their father traveled to Syria frequently before he died. The adult children used to travel there every year before the war to visit family, and inherited property there. They often call relatives in Syria even now. Some of the Syrian relatives might have friends or neighbors who are on the government watch list. I often call the adult children here in the US. Someone could search my phone and next thing I know the headlines will say that I am in frequent contact with potential ISIS members. It wouldn’t be true, but they could say it anyway. Next thing, I’d be arrested, then fired, and my house burned down.

          • NoGoodnik

            They can’t search your phone without a warrant. They have satisfy a judge that such a search is necessary. Those are how your civil rights are protected in these cases.

            An iPhone that is beyond government reach seems to me a pedophile’s dream. Take all the pictures of children you want on your phone. Watch them anytime you want. Government can’t access them. Whooo hooo!

            Seriously, everything can be abused. But, you create a corner for people to hide in and guess what, people are hiding there.

        • mtn_philosoph

          Presumably what the FBI really wanted to extract from the phone was its call log, its contacts list and its message archive.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I don’t have an iPhone. I don’t even have a Smart Phone. Just an old AT&T flip phone. Do you need a password just to access a contacts list and call log on an iPhone???? I should read up on this or else I don’t understand all the ins-and-outs of this controversy.

            I just love how on TV crime shows the detectives manage to extract absolutely everything from everyone’s cell phones with apparent effortlessness.

          • mtn_philosoph

            Yes. Smartphones have a lock screen, which is a splash screen that comes on when they are turned on/woken up. Their original purpose was to prevent functions of the phone from being initiated by accident when the the screen is touched during normal handling (e.g., when pulling it out of a pocket). So when you wake up the phone, you first get the lock screen, and touching it doesn’t do anything; you have to dismiss it with a specific touch gesture (swiping up on an Android phone, for example). But for extra security, the owner has the option of setting a code (such as a PIN number) that has to be entered first in order to unlock the screen.

            Most Practically all users set this feature up. This level of security isn’t uncrackable though. Normally a determined person can crack it via “brute force,” meaning that they use a computer program to generate and enter every possible combination of four numbers, or four letters, or four numbers and letters, until it hits the right one and unlocks the screen. The FBI wouldn’t have any problem doing this to unlock the phone.

            But newer Apple phones have an extra level of security that users have the option of setting as well that protects the phone from this technique. If that option is set, then entering something like 10 incorrect codes (brute force attacks usually have to enter thousands of code combinations before hitting the right one), then the data on the phone is automatically encrypted, so that even after finally getting past the lock screen, the hacker still won’t be able to read any of the data. (Some reports I read said that rather than encrypting it, the phone deletes all of the data.)

            This is the thing that had the FBI stymied. They had no way of knowing whether or not Farook had set this second level of security. Understandably, they were reluctant to just go ahead and use the brute force technique and thereby risk making the data permanently inaccessible if it turned out that he had set that feature. So instead they tried to get Apple to come up with some technique that they could to get into the phone without triggering the (metaphorical) DESTRUCT button. They could have simply sent the phone to Apple and had them open the phone themselves, but they didn’t do that, probably due to things like chain of custody issues. Instead, they demanded that Apple develop a cracking technique that they could then use on this (and any other iPhone that they had in evidence) to get past the phone’s security (aka, a for-government-use-only “back door.”) Apple did what any tech company would do to protect its reputation and preserve consumer confidence in its products, and categorically refused to comply with the request.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I also read that the FBI screwed up when they ordered that his password to the online storage service iCloud be reset shortly after the attack. They believed that by resetting the iCloud password, they could get access to information stored on the iPhone. Instead, the change locked them out and eliminated other means of getting in. This was a very stupid thing to do. Even guys I worked with at my last IT department knew better than that – at least they say they knew better, I can’t tell if they are boasting or not. These guys tell me that they can disable higher levels of security on the corporate phones that are handed out to employees. Is this correct?

          • mtn_philosoph

            Corporate phones may or may not have extra layers of security added to them to protect confidential data. This software has to be installed, configured and turned on by the IT dept. Anything that can be installed can be uninstalled. Any security apps that are added in can be rolled back. If the IT guys said they could disable them, then they probably could.

            Apple’s iPhone security features are built into its operating system (iOS) and parts of it may also be implemented in the phone’s hardware. So in this case it cannot be removed, because it is actually part of the phone. Removing any of it breaks the phone.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Then this guy’s employer should not have given their employees this kind of phone. I see no need for this whatsoever in a corporate environment. There are other types of phones. I worked in IT for 25 years, and we were always careful to buy hardware that we could control. One of my primary duties was managing Windows Group Policies, with which we were able to exercise considerable control over desktop PCs – as much or as little as was desired. Of course, if the Director or CEO wanted the latest iPhone, they got it, which is why my ex-coworkers are forced to support them. But this terrorist was not a Director or a CEO.

          • mtn_philosoph

            Yeah, I don’t know. I actually don’t have any experience using smartphones at work, because I lost my last job just around the dawn of the smartphone era and I didn’t get one of my own until some years later.

            In 1985 I became the first person in my entire agency to use a desktop computer at work, when I brought in my Atari 800XL -seriously! – to my job in order to do my documentation in a word processor. I held the distinction of being the only computer user in the place for about 7 years, until the administration, slowly and tentatively, began to distribute them to each department a couple at a time.

            These first computers didn’t even have any software; we had to pirate and install our own, because they didn’t have a clue. They didn’t set up an IT department until several years later, and then didn’t actually wire the place for networking – and develop an agency-wide IT policy – until a few years after that. The intranet that they set up had no gateway to the Internet. Our email was all handled by a private email server installed on the big iron mainframe in the main office in another part of the state.

            In that and every subsequent job that I had through the latter years of the last decade I never had a computer at work that had a connection to the public internet. (Nor did anyone else.) Management at all of them never saw any need for access and they all feared the security risks. We did all of our computer work in MS Office and saved our files on 3.5″ disks. The only use we made of the network was for interoffice email. We had no collaboration software and we shared files (when we shared them at all) via the venerable sneakernet.

            I only had one job that provided laptops; those only had one program that we used out in the field and could only transmit data when we brought them back to the office and connected them to the intranet.

            No employer ever provided cell phones. Many of us had our own 2G flip phones, but there was no policy for using them at work, so we were not reimbursed for any work-related calls that we made. Any use of them was a personal decision; the employers never recognized any role for them.

            My working career effectively ended when I lost my last job in November 2008, right after the election and right when I turned 55. For the next seven years I was an unemployed 50-something (and then 60-something) job seeker with no success in finding work. I am now more-or-less involuntarily retired.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I hear you. My first computer was in 1981 and was just a dumb terminal connected to a mainframe. My second computer in 1987 ran off 2 floppy disks and we used MultiMate word processing. You had to remove the program disk from Drive A and insert the spell-check disk to spell check a document that you saved on another floppy disk in Drive B. I loved it – it was 100X better than a typewriter. I could make that baby do anything – including merging documents and labels with lists of addresses, and save formatting styles. There was no network, of course. By 1990 we had a Token Ring network. By 1993 we had dial-up access to bulletin boards on the Internet and Ethernet. By 1994 we had email servers. By 1996 we had the WWW. But no cell phones, just pagers.

            And when I was 55 I hated my latest job and tried to find a better one, and discovered that nobody would hire me. 25 years of experience were worth absolutely nothing. They could hire recent graduates who knew zip and pay them less.

          • mtn_philosoph

            Ha! Yeah, I had one single-sided 5.25″ floppy drive for my Atari. My word processing program for most of that period was a program called SpeedScript. I had laboriously typed out its code from Compute! magazine over the course of about a week and saving it to a floppy. It had no spell checker and was formatted for use on a TV screen with 40 columns per screen line. (80+ characters on the printed page.) I had to type in all of the formatting using escape codes embedded right in the text and had to learn how to type a line of printed text using two lines of screen text.

            Later on I got a commercial word processing program for 8-bit Ataris (can’t recall the name of it now). It came on a double-sided disk with the program on one side and a spell checker on the other. Like you I had to enter all of my text, then pop out the disk and turn it over and reinsert it in the drive in order to check my spelling. As before it used escape codes for the formatting but it also used a modified screen character set that enabled it to display 80 characters per line. I thought it was the bee’s knees at the time.

            I also used SpeedCalc (again, typed in from the magazine) a little bit too in order to make graphs on my Atari Plotter, the first printer that I had that could print in color. I used the printed graphs in some of my progress notes.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I remember escape codes. I remember using them on the dumb terminal in 1981 – had to type one in to turn on underlining, and remember to type a different one in to turn it off. As the dot-matrix printer was in its own room in the basement, 5 floors below, on account of how big and noisy it was, it was not until I got down there and 172 pages had printed with underlined and/or bold text that I learned I had forgotten to enter the “off” code, or had entered the wrong one and turned on BOLD. What fun that was (not really).

          • mtn_philosoph

            LOL! Oh, I know …

          • mtn_philosoph

            And like you I also got my introduction to computers in 1981. I was in social work grad school at the time and had a field placement in the central office of the state mental health agency. I used their mainframe to run crosstabs in SPSS. After that experience I was smitten. I should have gone into IT but I didn’t.

            Many years later (in 2002) I took a series of MS courses at a local college with the aim of getting my MCSE (Windows 2000). I still have the materials from them. (There were, like, eight of them as I recall.) I subsequently passed the first exam (Windows 2000 Workstation), thus earning my MCP, but was stuck there because I didn’t have access to a network where I could start to obtain some (very) basic network maintenance and admin experience, which was regarded as being all but mandatory before I could have a reasonable shot at passing the next exam.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            There was a SINGLE computer in my high school in 1973. It was actually a dumb terminal connected to a mainframe at the local university. They took us all in, one class at a time, to this room where it sat alone in all its glory, and we got to stand and look at it. We were not allowed to touch it. It was reserved for the math and physics students. I remember thinking “BO-ring.”

            It got into IT sideways. Got a job managing the clerical department for an in-patient clinic for priests who had been bad boys, designing the clinical forms and merge documents and database and digital filing system using WordPerfect 5.1 (I was an expert in WP5.1, knowledge that is today worth less than nothing). They were paying a consulting firm $200/hr to manage their tiny little 15-node Novell network. The local university extension offered this series of four 2-day classes in Novell Networks at $200 per class. I suggested that they send me to these classes and then let me run the network, which would save them big bucks. They agreed. I took over the network. I had no idea what I was doing, but I faked it and learned by doing. Novell 2.X was pretty easy. Two years later this experience got me a job in IT at a major university as a Systems Administrator, with a 60% pay increase. Universities like to send their staff to certification classes at no cost to the employee, but didn’t care if we took the tests or not. But that was 25 years ago when experience counted more than a degree or certifications. Things are different now.

          • mtn_philosoph

            Brava! Around the time of you high school revelation (actually a year earlier, 1972) I got my first glimpse of The Future during my freshman year of college. A friend of mine and I were lab partners in an Intro to Physics course, and late one afternoon after a lab session we decided to go check out the department’s newest acquisition, which we had been told about by our prof. We went to see the dept. office manager, who was thrilled that a couple of students were showing interest in it. After having us log ourselves in on a clipboard she led us down a long hallway to a small, locked room at the end. After reminding us to keep the noise (from our excitement) down, and also that we were to take much care in using the new equipment, she unlocked the door.

            The first thing I noticed as the door opened onto the dark, warm room was the intense blue glow. I was the most intense electric blue that my 17 year old self had ever seen up until then. Then she flipped on the overhead light and I saw it. Or them, actually. On a small wooden desk at the far end of the room sat two identical devices that were unlike anything that either me or my partner had ever seen. Neatly set up side by side, in gleaming white cases with black accents, sat the Physics Department’s latest pride and joy, the ultimate in cutting-edge technology — two brand-spanking new … desktop electronic calculators.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Weren’t you dying to use them? I remember the first Xerox machine I saw in 1978 – the joy of not having to use ditto and mimeograph and carbon paper any more was a mind altering experience. Then in 1979 I got a “memory typewriter” with a long thin piece of “memory card” you inserted into a slot in the typewriter, and it would save a single document. It was useful for saving mass mailing letters. If you needed to send a letter to every state legislator, it would type the letter, pause for you to insert the date, name, address and salutation manually, then proceed to type the rest of the letter. Then you told it to start over for the 2nd letter. It didn’t actually save any time, but it was fun to use. I was the only person not afraid to use it.

          • mtn_philosoph

            One thing I learned during my abortive attempt at switching careers (from social work to network admin) was that the tech industry is notoriously and blatantly ageist. Even published career guides that I picked up came right out and admitted that. They get away with it because age discrimination is ridiculously hard to prove in court. The entire burden of proof is on the victim and it requires an unambiguous smoking gun as evidence to back it up (such as written documentation from management describing an intent to discriminate, and then documented proof that the intent was actually carried out on the complainant). Tech employers discriminate against workers over the age of 35 (sometimes 30) with impunity, because they know that they will never be penalized for it.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            It is like that now, but 30 years ago it was a different ball game. 30 years ago they would happily hire a 50-yr old if they had computer experience, even if they had no degrees and had just been running a home-built network in their garage, and were glad to get them, because universities weren’t teaching anything relevant in their Computer Science departments, and all recent grads knew was programming main frames or UNIX. If you’d been using Windows 3.11 on a home network of 2 computers, and you knew what a Bulletin Board and a modem and an Ethernet port and a router was, it gave you an edge over most Comp Sci graduates of the time.

    • Markuserektus

      As an aside, it is a work phone (owned by the County of San Bernardino). It probably has pics of swimming pools and dishwashers.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Exactly. All this fuss and bother and expense over what I have no doubt will turn out to be absolutely nothing. Just like Hillary’s email server.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Yeah, I don’t see him using his employer’s phone (employer gets all the bills, sees all the calls.) He’d have used a “burner” if he was going to use a phone at all, and based on what’s been revealed to date, he had no need of it.

      I’m pretty confident the iPhone can be defeated, at least to the extent of allowing unlimited password attempts on the iPhone 5C that they’re dealing with. All they need to do is trick the phone into accepting a bogus iOS “update” that lacks the security features of the real iOS. That’s probably what the FBI is crowing about. (The contents of an iPhone are only semi-seriously encrypted, because the actual key is stored in hardware. Guess the passcode, and it hands you the key.)

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Every SINGLE crime show I’ve seen on TV in the past 10 years shows criminals using multiple, disposable, pay-as-you-go “untrackable” cell phones to conduct their nefarious business. I have often wondered how accurate this was – you never know with TV crime shows, they are often total fantasy, particularly with some of the forensic stuff they depict. This terrorist guy was not stupid.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          That much is accurate – buy the phone and SIM card with cash, at a place that doesn’t have security cams on you, and you really are untraceable.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Are there places that don’t have security cams? Not in my town. Actually, I also see on TV crime shows and news articles that stores overwrite their tapes or disks quite often, so if you bought such a phone a few weeks or months before you used it, there would be no footage. I filed three forged check claims against a cousin 2 years ago, in three different towns, one of which was a major metro area, and the police in all 3 towns did not go to the store to examine the camera footage for 2 or 3 months, by which time it had been overwritten. On TV shows they always look for the camera footage immediately, but this isn’t how it works in real life.

      • mtn_philosoph

        In fact this particular phone was Farook’s work phone. He worked as a health inspector for the San Bernardino County Department of Public Health. It was found in his company car that was parked in his garage at his home. Farook and Malik were carrying other cell phones with them when they were killed in the shootout on San Bernardino Avenue. And yet another phone was found in the SUV that they were driving. The corporate accountability associated with company phone use and the casual manner in which he left the phone strongly suggests that he did not use it in plotting the attack.

  • kaw143

    Mifeprex? What was wrong with RU-486? It’s like the pill itself is asking the question, “Are you pro-choice?” by asking “Are you for 86”-ing your unborned babby? It’s comedy gold! Or wingnut nightmare fuel. Either way, WIN!

    • NoGoodnik

      What? You don’t think MILFeprex is funny, too?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I read on the interwebs that some people blamed not getting an interview because they hit the wrong button when they sent in their resume.
    And I was thinking in my head, no, it is just that no HR person on the planet reads fucking resumes on April Fools Day, and for good reason.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I hates me some April Fools. Everyone thinks it’d be just like on their favorite sitcom or local news broadcast, but, in reality, April Fools “pranks” are never funny and more than a little cruel.

    • NoGoodnik

      I totally agree. Take it from me, the guy who lives his life as if he were the whacky neighbor coming in for twenty seconds of comic relief in a sit-com, nothing done on TV or in movies for a laugh is as funny in real life… and other people don’t appreciate the humor or the explanation for why I did what I did. Jeez, go figure.

  • Antimassacree

    Scott Baio reading. ISWYDT. April fools.

  • hollydturner

    Ed Snowden. We need you dude. Oh, and Anonymous? We need you to get seriously involved. We’ve gone global in the combing through of every little mundane fact of our lives and now its gone all George Orwellian Terriorist notwithstanding we’ve crossed into 1984.

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