We spend a lot of time blasting our planet-melting, employee-hazing, and buzzword-creating Corporate People. But like Aerosmith songs, they’re not all bad. Isn’t it about time we gave out some gold stars?
Expanded Access To Abortion Pill Somehow Punishing Poor Right To Lifers
In a move supported by the radicals at the American Congress of Obstestricians and Gynecologists, the FDA expanded the time frame for use of the abortion pill Mifeprex (aka RU-486) to 70 days of gestation from the current 49 days. Upon application from distributor Danco Laboratories, the FDA also eased the recommended dose of the drug and dropped the number of required visits to a doctor.
The people who spend their Saturdays holding aborted fetus photos above highway overpasses are pissssssed.
“It’s expanding the customer base for the abortion industry,” Randall O’Bannon, director of education and research for the National Right to Life organization.
Big Abortion can’t wait to sink its claws into these juicy gestation periods. Think of the kids.
“Did you see that ad for Mifeprex? We should totally go get pregnant so we can drop some pills 62 days from now and go on Snapchat while we have our uteri medically evacuated,” said no woman ever.
Danco Laboratories. Your pills may be made in China but for providing much needed medical options and momentarily distracting the lunatics from Jesus-ly attacking a Planned Parenthood, you get a gold star!
Snitchin’ Tech Co Our Foreign Corporate Person Of The Week
No one is more patriotic than Joe Shareholder. And in an altruistic display of marketplace freedom, shareholders everywhere are showing their support for the parent company of the Israeli firm Cellebrite, the folks who allegedly helped the FBI hack into the iPhone of the San Bernardino mass murderer.
Shares of Sun Corp., a Japanese maker of pinball-style games, have soared since reports surfaced that an Israeli company it owns helped the U.S. government hack into an iPhone involved in a terrorist attack.
But it’s not really War on Terror profiteering since they’re helping the Feds sift through all this guy’s porn and voice memos and probably finding that crucial piece of information that will help us wipe out ISIS once and for all without incurring pesky civilian casualties or shedding another ounce of American blood.
Shares of the company have almost doubled since February 16th, the day Apple decided to be all lame about valuing privacy and market share. We are issuing a “Maybe Buy? But Also Maybe Sell?” rating on this stock, but noting they’re heroes keeping us safe through the magic of mobile forensics. Like a diminutive and socially awkward Mossad. Godspeed.
Could Google Send April Fool’s Day To Same Place It Sent Jeeves?
April Fools’. That’s a fun occasion (No it’s not – APRIL FOOLS!) Maybe Google, noted class clown among corporate entities, will help put an end to terrible jokes with a knee-slapper of its own.
Google has removed an April Fool’s Gmail button, which sent a comical animation to recipients, after reports of people getting into trouble at work.
The button appeared beside Gmail’s normal send button and allowed users to shut down an email thread by sending a gif of a Minion dropping a microphone
First of all, the only way to stop a bad email chain is with a good email chain — or possibly a heart-to-heart with your uncle about how being able to walk into a Sears without putting out your smoke isn’t necessarily going to make America great again.
Complaints flowed in to Google like they had just done something mildly provocative at a Super Bowl Halftime Show. Professionalism ceased. Chaos reigned. Customers bailed from commission-driven sales bros.
Honestly, these customers must be totally tight-assed or just have extremely high standards for meme humor. (And shouldn’t we all?) Of course, there was the one funeral home representative who accidentally sent a poorly timed mic drop.
And speaking of funerals, is it time to put April Fool’s Day to rest? Only the Corporate People (and independently owned gag shops) have the power. Google has apologized but stopped short of refusing to continue their hilarity next year. So a year from now, get ready for ever Google search to result in Scott Baio reading Shakespeare for LOLZ.