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Major League Baseball released its list of stadium foods last Thursday, and we have only one question: who the hell let Guy Fieri design every ballpark food in America?

In their quest to push the boundaries of stadium food science, concession scientists have done the unspeakable. They were too busy figuring out whether they could that they never stopped to consider whether they should. Here is the nightmare fuel their mad science has wrought.

Pittsburgh Pirates

stadiumpirates
To start us off, the Pittsburgh Pirates have come up with something that is, horrifyingly, exactly what it sounds like: the Cracker Jack & Mac Hot Dog. Yes, that’s a hot dog topped with cracker jacks, mac and cheese, salted caramel sauce, and fried jalapenos on naan. First of all, Pirates, stop playing menu mad libs, and second, why would you do that to naan?!

This entry might seem an incredible monstrosity to those unfamiliar with Pittsburgh, but it’s not shocking if you know there’s nothing that can cure this city’s “nah, dump some moeeer shit dahn on ‘ere” culinary ethos. Pittsburgh people are genuinely perplexed when you criticize them for serving a “caesar salad” topped with feta, olives, red onions, and tomatoes. We’re amazed pierogis and french fries aren’t involved in this thing’s construction. Yinzers out here losing their touch, man.

Toronto Blue Jays

stadiumbluejays
Baseball’s Great White North, meanwhile, is serving Chicken & Waffles On A Stick. It looks like it uses a chicken filling inside a waffle casing, which … oy.

The thing about chicken and waffles is it can be really good — if and ONLY if it’s prepared by someone who knows exactly what the hell they’re doing. If a white person ever threatens to make you chicken and waffles — and especially if they use the word “deconstructed” at any point in the conversation — punch them in the face.

This dish also comes with a maple sriracha drizzle, because it has to let you know it is both Canadian AND an insufferable hipster.

Arizona Diamondbacks

stadiumdiamondbacks
Arizona’s baseball team (yes, Arizona has a baseball team) has its own “original” entry to this garbage fire of a competition with the Cheeseburger Dog. It’s a hot dog made out of char-grilled hamburger chopped up and blended with bacon, green onion, and cheddar cheese. It is then breaded and deep fried and served on a bun with more bacon (because of course) and “secret sauce.”

This was gross enough when 7-11 came out with it years ago. Time has not improved it. This is like something Joe Arpaio would serve to prisoners, and if this wouldn’t get that fucker on trial at the Hague, we don’t know what would.

Houston Astros

stadiumastros

The Houston Astros are unveiling kettle chip nachos topped with jalapenos and nacho toppings. You might be wondering what exactly is so weird about this? Nothing, actually — other than the fact that they’re calling them “Irish Nachos,” for reasons we’re still trying to figure out. Is Ireland internationally reknowned for its jalapenos? We are dubious.

Kansas City Royals

stadiumroyals
Last year’s World Series winners (we know; we had forgotten already, too) have their own contribution to this horror show: the Champions Alley Dog (and Burger), a hot dog wrapped in bacon and tempura fried, then topped with sweet slaw and chipotle ketchup on a pretzel bun.

You might be thinking, “That’s so crazy it might just work!” Don’t fall for it, though. Oh sure, it could theoretically work, were it not for the abject lie that is the words “bacon-wrapped.”

“Bacon-wrapped” is the most devious hyphenated adjective in the English language. “But Bacon is delicious!” you say. “And wrapping things in other things is also a more of which I approve!” As do we, friends, as do we.

You know what’s not fun, though? That the very nature of a bacon-wrapped construct means the outside will be your standard savory, nitrate-laden deliciousness, but the treacherous inside will remain a wet, floppy gristlegasm. If there’s a way to effectively cook bacon as a protein sheathe, we’ve never seen it, and we sure as hell wouldn’t trust a concession stand to finally uncover the ancient secret of Baconmandias.

Washington Nationals

HAHAHAHAHA, just kidding, the Nationals continue to not do anything interesting with stadium food, or stadium design, or stadium anything, ever, in any way. “HEY IF WE SAY THE WORDS ‘BEN’S CHILI BOWL’ ENOUGH TIMES, MAYBE IT’LL DISTRACT PEOPLE FROM REALIZING WE HAVE THE SHITTIEST BALLPARK IN AMERICA! AND LET’S ADD A RACING WARREN G. HARDING, THAT’LL KEEP THEM OCCUPIED!” Although maybe this lack of ambition is a good thing; the one time the team actually decided to flex its creative muscles, the end result was the most horrifying statue in the history of mankind, so maybe they should stick to blandness.

Why the hell do I root for this fucking team, again?

Atlanta Braves

No team is pushing the boundaries of sanity and good taste further than Atlanta — which is fitting, considering this is the team that once employed John Rocker. Also, no team more desperately needs to distract from its product on the field than Atlanta. (Philly doesn’t count, because Philly fans are going to be too busy assaulting blind grandmothers to notice the stadium’s culinary offerings anyway.)

ANYHOW, Atlanta is breaking down barriers with not one, not two, not three, but four examples of unconscionable food war crimes. Let’s rip this Band-Aid off:

stadiumbraves3
This is called the T.E.D. — The Everything Dog. We honestly never thought we’d encounter a Ted we instantly loathed more than Ted Cruz, but life is full of surprises. It’s allegedly a footlong hot dog (which makes us very confused by the image on the right, which is a foot-long in the same way Donald Trump’s hands are normal-sized) layered with fries, chili, nacho chips, beer cheese, jalapenos, and popcorn, topped with coca-cola infused BBQ sauce and served in a pretzel bun. This is less a food dish than what happens when concession workers dare each other to scrape out a stadium trash can and eat whatever they come up with.

stadiumbraves2
This thing is called the Tater Tot Chop. You read that right: that’s not a waffle, it’s potatoes crammed into a waffle iron and ultimately topped with bacon, jalapenos, melted cheese, more tator tots (because sure, why not?), and coca-cola-infused ketchup. According to Fox Sports, their taste-tester called it “freaking awesome,” probably in the same way hostages reading a list of demands always say they’re being well-treated.

stadiumbraves4
Then there’s The Punisher. Yes, they named a food item after an act of retribution. We’re just going to let Fox Sports describe this one:

Country-fried smoked rib meat slathered in Monster energy drink-infused BBQ sauce, topped with an onion ring and “slawsa” (think coleslaw and salsa), all in a toasted Hawaiian bun and pinned in place with two pieces of candied bacon. As one chef noted “It’s only 400 calories … per bite.”

It’s country-fried AND smoked. It’s a dessert topping AND a floor wax! Also, there are more A’s in that picture than in the entire Georgia public school system.

stadiumbraves1
Unbelievably, The Punisher is not the most batshit insane/horrifying thing the Braves are serving up to unsuspecting fans this year. That honor goes to the Burgerizza. It’s a bacon cheeseburger served between two eight-inch pepperoni pizzas. This is a thing to which humanity has now somehow willingly given birth.

It’s the drunk college student version of KFC’s Double Down, which was already the drunk college student’s version of anything resembling moral decency. It looks like a culinary modern art project designed as a poignant commentary on the nature of social decay. It is the best argument possible for burning Atlanta down again.

As far as we can tell, that’s the list. We would say we can’t see how we’re topping these, but we’ve said that so many times only to be proven tragically, terrifyingly wrong that we’d prefer not to further tempt fate.

Pray for us all.

[ESPN / FoxSports]

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  • JustPixelz

    I feel thinner already.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Would eat all unashamedly. Well, maybe a little ashamedly.

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …for science!!!

    • NoGoodnik

      Really! My only question is how much does this stuff cost? Last time I was at a stadium the concessions were hella costly.

      • Blank Ron

        If you have to ask how much it costs you can’t afford it. And if you have to ask what it will do to your body you can’t survive it.

      • Shoto

        Let’s put it this way: There will be no money left over for the quintuple bypass…

        • Tansy Geek

          By-pass, hell. I can feel my gall bladder thrashing around after just reading about this stuff.

          • Abyss

            They can bypass your gall bladder too. Plan it right and you can get a Season Pass AND surgery package deal.

    • Abyss

      It’s so so bad that I had the same reaction.
      Followed by a minor cardiac infarction.

  • memzilla

    Seeing as how Drumpf has just broken his promise, and said he is not going to support any Rethuglican nominee other than himself, this presents us with a Deep Fried Golden Opportunity to Have A Contest:

    What Should Be The Official Food Of The 2016 Rethuglican National Convention?

    Lightly Salted Poison Rat Dicks? Battered Schadenfreude? Ammorugula Salad? Honey Dipped Chicken Wings (right ones only?)

    Send In Your Guesses!

    • MsAnthropesMr

      What’d they eat in the Beer Hall Putsch?

      • Blank Ron

        Each other, I believe.

      • Abyss

        You are like my favorite person for at least the next 20 minutes.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Lightly Fucked Chicken Strips?

    • Master Contrail Program

      Well, obviously freedom fries and liberty cabbage. Though I agree, these convention goers are sick of establishment fare.

      • Pickwicknext

        Yes, fuck those cheese-eating surrender monkeys!

    • JustPixelz

      Trump steaks
      Canadian bacon
      Kasich kielbasa
      Crow

      • Pickwicknext

        You forgot chocolate pie. You know, like in “The Help”

    • Master Contrail Program

      I wish I would have kept my “Pandering to Patriotism” RNC 2012 menu.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Deep-fried butter wrapped in bacon and served on a bed of Freedom Fries.

    • say wha
    • goonemeritus

      Bitter disappointment with a side of tears of disbelief.

    • memzilla

    • BigBoppa

      Whatever the entre, the side dish should be sour krauthammer.

    • bbqboy

      Gun on a stick. That chicken and waffle monstrosity
      could double as the concealed weapon that our wimpy Secret Service is so worried about.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Not sure if you’re just kidding, but the “Irish” in “Irish nachos” is for the use of potatoes (potato chips? in this case, those something more like potato skins were probably be much better).

    • NoGoodnik

      And Kettle chips are pretty good.

    • Master Contrail Program

      True, Idaho Nachos brings uncomfortable implications, despite it’s alliterative qualities.

      • H0mer0

        Dok Zoom Libel! (okay, that was reeeeeeaching)

    • Abyss

      An entire generation of Irish-Mexican Americans are now both disgusted and intrigued.

    • also too they’re orange (flavored), white (flavored), and green (flavored) just like the flag. Harp not included, unless you have a heart attack, in which case you get a harp AND wings!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    While their execution probably is sorely lacking, I can’t be upset at the idea behind Arizona’s Cheeseburger Dog thing. I mean, it’s a cheeseburger shaped to fit a hot dog bun. It *should* be perfectly fine. Since it’s coming from a ballpark concession stand, I assume it’s a crime against food, but the idea doesn’t sound too bad.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It’s cooked twice, which is a terrible thing to do to beef.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        I missed that, I admit, but it’s part of the “execution” thing I was speaking of. That does make it a foodcrime, though. smh.

  • Pickwicknext

    Why do people insist on abusing waffle irons and bacon? WHY? (I would have added deep fryer to the list, but those were made to be abused)

  • I think I just became a vegan.

    • corner kitty

      I think I became a breatharian.

      • Abyss

        I think I became an organ donor.

  • ManchuCandidate

    http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–4PVRxyhm–/1474221851389384998.gif

    I’m just gonna Jose Bautista bat flip that chicken waffle fried hell away from my food hole. BTW, Aramark (the “foo” service at the ‘Dome) sucks.

    • Pickwicknext

      I think he rage quit the Jays during spring training? Not 100% sure on that one…

    • memzilla

      Think that may have something to do with the fact that Aramark is also the largest prison food concessionaire in the US?

      • Blank Ron

        A chance to poison even more people for money? How could they say no?

      • Abyss

        Coincidence….? …I think NOT.

    • mtn_philosoph

      In Toronto, Stir-Fried Nacho Poutine.

  • say wha

    Are those photos “before” or “after” ingestion?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …in what inning do you guys think the first Atlanta Braves fan will stroke out?

    • Pickwicknext

      Inning? You think they’re making it through the anthem?

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …good point, they should just build a hospital on the first floor of the stadium

        • Master Contrail Program

          Right next to the jail. Sorry, I’ve been playing Sim City 2000 recently.

        • Abyss

          Someone is missing a glorious opportunity for profit there…

    • Master Contrail Program

      Once they see a starting line-up of eight pitchers and Freddie Freeman?

    • Abyss

      Yes.

  • beingreleased

    I hate my life as much as the next guy, but I just can’t see myself eating any of these things.

  • NoGoodnik

    Is it just me, or does the burgerizza sound kinda good?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      It’s just you.

      • NoGoodnik

        It usually just me. Because, as always, I am a idiot.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          You’re OUR idiot, though, which is why we love you!

    • beingreleased

      It’s just you.

    • Abyss

      If thinking that is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …after reading the Atlanta Braves stadium menu I think I understand why the “Walking Dead” was filmed there

    • OddMan

      Don’t forget the ‘Walkin’ Dead Meat’™ on a stick. You don’t eat it, it eats you.

      It’s from Russia.

      • Abyss

        In Soviet Russia, chicken and waffles put YOU on a stick.

  • Shoto

    On a positive note, the clogged arteries are included at no extra charge.

  • goonemeritus

    This is why I only follow professional curling as a sport. A nice Montreal smoked meat sandwich and a side of poutine is so much more civilized.

    • Blank Ron

      I definitely need to get to more curling matches.

    • DemmeFatale

      And don’t forget the Montreal Bagels!!
      (Little eggy monsters!)

      • goonemeritus

        But they don’t have holes.

      • Abyss

        At 3am, after a night out drinking, hot, out of a soggy paper bag!
        …extra points if it is -18 or colder out.

    • Abyss

      Ok, we can be friends.

  • Lizzietish81

    Hrm, needs more donuts

  • BearGHAZI

    Punish.

    Your.

    Colon.

    • Pickwicknext

      It does nothing but give you shit day after day!

    • Spatula Hands 2.0

      Don’t bring Bartolo in to this…just because he clearly taste-tested all of them doesn’t mean he came up with them!

  • FauxAntocles

    On the bright side, you have to take a day loan to pay for these things.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Baseball games turned into state fairs so gradually, no one noticed the 2nd base umpire was actually a cow made of butter.

  • Oblios_Cap

    And I thought some of things they made on Chopped had horrible ingredients!

    • Pickwicknext

      I was guessing Cutthroat Kitchen sabotage…

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      IKR? The judges have to eat them, too, which seems plenty masochistic to me. How badly do you have to need to be on tee vee to eat a dessert made out of turnips and decaf?

    • DemmeFatale

      And they now have a cookbook!!
      What?!
      Nuh-uh!!!

  • Oblios_Cap

    I felt my arteries hardening just reading that.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    That first . . . thIng. *HORK* Were they playing a game, where everybody has to pick two things that DON’T go together, and then somebody combined all of the worst choices? That’s something you only eat on a bet.

  • marxalot

    Look, I like the Pirates and all, but I’m really glad that I’ve about 1500 miles away from that… thing.
    The First United Church of Satan and Baseball is holding services again, and although we practice pot-luck communion, anyone bearing any of these “foods” will be tarred, feathered, forced to eat them, and excommunicated.

    • Msmlg1979

      I never thought I would read the words “Monster energy drink-infused BBQ sauce”. Never.

      • Pickwicknext

        Coke in bbq sauce i, sort of, understand (lazy meat tenderizer). All of the food above lost me

        • marxalot

          Dr Pepper bbq sauce (or adding a Dr Pepper to the slow-cooker while making ribs etc) is good stuff. I’m not a fan of Coke, even cooked.

          • BigBoppa

            My daughter makes pulled pork with a sauce that has root beer in it. Sounded kind of weird but we had it on a hot 4th of July a couple of years ago and OMFG.

            Of course, she also had plenty of extra root beer to have black cows for dessert because she knows that’s one of my few pleasant childhood memories. (My daughter is the bestest)

          • Abyss

            Ok I’ll bite… What are “black cows for dessert”?

          • BigBoppa

            A black cow is a root beer float.
            http://rlv.zcache.com.au/root_beer_float_pin_photo_sculpture_badge-r5ba87d5245d6462ab65b6e956b8bd073_x7saj_8byvr_324.jpg

            That’s what my dad always called them anyway….maybe it’s a midwestern term(?). Dad grew up on Taylor Street (Chicago’s Little Italy) so he had a lot of unique expressions.

        • Msmlg1979

          Oh, yes. Soda is good in several foods. 7-Up cake is good, and like Marxalot says, Dr. Pepper is good in a lot of things.

  • dslindc

    Holy fuck, no wonder America is so fucking fat.

    Also, I disagree with the Nat’s stadium being the most boring. That snooze-fest of a cement bowl that is the Yankee’s new stadium is way less interesting.

  • cousin itt

    I’d rather eat Klingon gagh. Only a stoned frat boy being hazed would eat any of this shit.

  • dslindc

    Don’t forget, you can wash it all down with a $15 cup of Bud Lite™

    • Master Contrail Program

      Or worse, Miller. If you’re REALLY into self-flagellation.

    • OddMan

      Being Atlanta, do they have a Coke™ infused Bud Lite™?

      • dslindc

        Couldn’t be any worse than Bud Lite Lime, so why not?

  • John Smith

    With all due respect to you Pinkham, I would fly to Atlanta (which I hate), buy a ticket to a baseball game, which I truly hate (as I do all sportsball), just to get a Burgerizza. With a side of digitalis and insulin, of course. It frankly looks decadent and delicious.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Minor editing thing, Ubertrout: It may be a blessing, but in the paragraph about the Washington Nationals, the link to the statue is broken.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      It worked for me. Unfortunately.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Must’ve fixed it.

        Hey, Ubertrout! could you break it again? *shudder*

  • Master Contrail Program

    Good thing Charlotte doesn’t have an MLB team. The concession connoisseur’s colon may not survive through the genital confirmation process. Yet another mess for someone else to clean up.

  • Msmlg1979

    I want some of what these people were smoking!

    • Jonny On Maui

      No you don’t, can’t be the real stuff, most likely bath salts…

      • Msmlg1979

        All I crave when on bath salts is human flesh!

        • Jonny On Maui

          So, same as always then…

  • BigBoppa

    I imagine an Irish jalapeno looking something like this

    • Amy!

      With nacho cheese, it’s the Orange and the Green.

      • borninatrailer

        And the pure white is the Irish person eating it!

  • Referring to the KC Royals food pic. That thing on the left looks disturbingly like Mr. Blobfish.

    Has anyone heard from him lately?

    • MrBlobfish

      Over here. Glad my Mets aren’t on the list. $9 cans of Brooklyn Lager is bad enough.

      • The Wanderer

        “Brooklyn Lager – more expensive than a kick in the head, and way more painful.”

      • Phew!

  • SessileRaptor

    The stuff available at my local (Twins) stadium look completely normal and edible compared to these monstrosities, for which I’m glad.

    I think at this point the stadiums are tapping into the same vibe as state fairs, offering absurd fried things on the assumption that you’ll go “Oh what the hell, it’s only once a year…”

    • BigBoppa

      Huh, I was under the impression that in Minnesota you’d only be able to get tuna hot dish and green bean casserole – both with LOTS of cream of mushroom (secret) sauce.

      • SessileRaptor

        MN libelz! We actually have a pretty robust food scene around the cities. Serious immigrant populations (From Mexico, India, Laos, Somalia, Vietnam, Thailand (including a lot of Hmong), China, Korea, and Ethiopia) doing their thing restaurant-wise as well as a bunch of local and transplant chefs. You can of course still find plenty of hot dish, just not on the menu at restaurants.

        • BigBoppa

          I know. Do you remember a place called Mario’s Ristaurante in Minneapolis in the late ’70s early ’80’s? My brother and I introduced Chicago style pizza to the Twin Cities.

      • Doug Langley

        Hey, how’d you get your hands on my mom’s cook book?

        No, seriously . . .

        • BigBoppa

          My mom had the same book :(

  • baconzgood

    Now y’inz jag-offs listen ‘ere and na’at, I took da incline all da way from Mt. Worshington to get an I’rn City and watch dem Buckos and if’n i want to eat one of dem daer hot dogs I will.

    Baconzgood.

    • arglebargle

      Primanti Brothers, brother.

      • SterWonk

        After hearing about it for years from the residents of my Pittsburgh office, I finally went there on my first trip to PGH. It was… okay. If your big thing is that the fries are in the sandwich, they should be better fries.

        • arglebargle

          Been a few years since I’ve had one so I won’t argue with that. The coleslaw and fried egg* are what make it IMO. Don’t ever get one at PNC Park or Heinz Field though. Pre-made and somewhat nasty.

          EDIT: *and fresh bread

  • Master Contrail Program

    That reminds me, when is Taco Bell bringing back the Shrimp Gordita?

  • SterWonk

    “the most horrifying statue in the history of mankind,”

    WRONG!!!

    That dubious “honor” belongs to the statue of Fred Rogers (of all people!!!), in the North Shore region of Pittsburgh. Nothing about Mr. Rogers should be used to frighten children!!! <sob>

    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3f/Fred_Rogers_statue_Pittsburgh_Close_up_face.jpg

  • Hutch

    Can I just get mine to-go in a colostomy bag and skip the alimentary track? Perfect. Thanks!

  • cousin itt

    BRIAN:
    Larks’ tongues. Wrens’ livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars’ earlobes. Wolf nipple chips. Get ’em while they’re hot. They’re lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. Tuscany fried bats.

    • Pickwicknext

      Ah, Guy Fieri works for Whizzo’s. Everything makes sense again!

      • Hutch

        “Donkey” Sauce for everyone!

      • Doug Langley

        I hear their chocolates are good.

        • Lambsendbeds

          The Original Chocolate Frog and Cockroach Cluster!

  • Antonin Dvorak

    This is like something Joe Arpaio would serve to prisoners…

    He wouldn’t actually, Sheriff Joe serves a strict vegetarian menu to his prisoners, shockingly enough.

    http://www.azcentral.com/story/ejmontini/2015/04/20/sheriff-joe-arpaio-pamela-anderson-murray-snow-aclu/26043027/

    • The Wanderer

      Prior to that, he was giving them slight ‘off’ bologna sandwiches, as I recall, along with Newt Gingrich speeches.

      • theblackdog

        Lived in Arizona, can confirm that. Also made inmates wear pink underwear and jailhouse striped uniforms.

  • Master Contrail Program

    “Fuqui-San?”

    “Yes Ota?”

    “I quit.”

    • corner kitty

      “Ms. Lady Judge, I bet you quit too, right?”

      “Oh yes. Mm-hmm.” *giggle*

      • Master Contrail Program

        “I don’t like… this feeling……when I put it……in my mouth. *giggle* …*retch*

        • corner kitty

          “Well, it is a very masculine dish.” *gentle chuckles all round*

          • Master Contrail Program

            Chairman Kaga introduced this battle in mourning clothes. “If memory serves me correctly…..I hovered over the singing bidet for a fortnight.”

            “I am sure this bite of pepper shall be the only morsel I enjoy today.”

          • Master Contrail Program

            Today we all stand on our cutting boards…….in shame.

          • corner kitty

            USA! USFlay! *fist pump*

          • DemmeFatale

            “needs more pea-ness”
            “oops”
            *tee-hee*

      • DemmeFatale

        “It’s like eating a cloud!”
        *tee-hee*
        (covers mouth)

    • The Wanderer

      “Ota?”
      “Yes, Fukui-san?”
      “You don’t have to eat any of it, just report on it.”
      “Fuck off, Fukui-san.”

      • Master Contrail Program

        “Fukui-San?”

        “Yes, Ota?”

        “You don’t have to smell it. I now envy Dewey Cox.”

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Tater Tot Chop. Would eat. Am wondering if I can use the shredded hashbrowns in my freezer to make it tonight. I’m thinking it’ll work.

    • Pickwicknext

      There’s this super fancy gourmet resturant where I live that serves at least two of its entrees on fried ginger risotto cake. Mine had pan-seared scallops on top. It was fucking delicious

      • SDGeoff

        Mmmm…scallops!

        • JH Marx

          Icky, knun of them canned clams, from the cruel and unusual bastards!!111!!!

  • Scooby

    Michelle Obama is going to be pissed. Well, at least in the picture there’s usually a salad too.

  • MrBlobfish

    “Sounds awesome”.
    -Chris Christie

  • arglebargle

    “If there’s a way to effectively cook bacon as a protein sheathe, we’ve never seen it…”

    Cruz can help you out there.

  • Hutch

    “…a wet, floppy gristlegasm.” Hey, I dated that guy once.

    Would not recommend.

    • NoGoodnik

      Anna, is that you? It’s me, Jeffry.

  • Msmlg1979

    Who put Honey Boo-Boo’s mom in charge of concessions?

  • The Wanderer

    How a smooth, creamy Deep 13 Thruster Buster?
    It’s a hearty four pound slab of our heat-stressed meal food, topped with a wet runny blister of growth compound, with lettuce, onion, tomato, special sauce, skanked while you sleep, do you want fries with that?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Those first two offerings are clearly inedible — not because their photos and descriptions are disgusting, but for the other thing in the photo — the Aramark name and logo. It’s the signature of cheap, tasteless bastardry and the lowest possible rung of anything that might resemble food, though usually more closely resembles something a dog threw up after raiding a Golden Corral dumpster.

    As to the Nats stadium — hell, I’ve only gone once, but they had good beer and the falafel stand had no line (probably because everyone was getting chili dogs wrapped in bacon) and we had a great view, though the walk leading up to the main entrance is lined with concessions out of discarded shipping containers and so looks like something out of Mad Max, but the rest was fun.

    • SnarkTank

      Totally agree. At least PNC Park in Pittsburgh has other, less Aramark-y, much better tasting eating available (like Primanti’s and Quaker Steak and Lube).

    • theblackdog

      They finally are improving it but when I went to Nats Stadium the first year it was open, it was just concrete and blandness everywhere. Not even the Mad Max shipping containers were there yet as they were just then leveling the lots next to the road. Otherwise it was just “Hi, please stop by our stores and stands” and there was no real charm to the stadium. It probably doesn’t help that only 45 mins away is Camden Yards and they started the trend of stadiums that look kinda old-fashioned but are charming, so it made Nats Park look even bleaker by comparison.

      They seem to finally be fixing it, but it’s going to take a while before it gets over that reputation.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz
  • TheGrandWaz00

    MLB stadium food: Because hurling shouldn’t be limited to the pitcher’s mound.

  • SnarkOff

    Shorter: “Ladies, you are not welcome here.” Because no woman wants to eat any of that.

  • neminem

    To be fair, a hot dog with mac and cheese and fried jalapenos wrapped in naan sounds *amazing*. Cracker jacks and caramel sauce wrapped in naan doesn’t sound too awful either. But hot dog + cracker jacks + caramel sauce + anything other than the trash can = just no.

    • baconzgood

      If Baconz kids order that on opening day that will be the last ball game for them this year.

  • MrBlobfish

    When I die, I want to be put on a stick and deep-fried.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Do we need to use an egg wash before breading you, or will your natural stickiness be enough for the crumbs to adhere to?

      • MrBlobfish

        Clarified butter will do. Also, make a nice Red Bull/Jägermeister dipping sauce.

        • Abyss

          Your corpse is sounding better than most of those dishes.

    • Creepoman

      And you would be a delicacy . . .

      • H0mer0

        those fish look like creatures out of a Dr Seuss story book.

    • Logic of Color

      I think you’d be better used to thicken a gumbo

    • Doug Langley

      Considering how big blobfish get, we’re going to need a two by four.

    • Abyss

      Did you want to be slathered in an energy drink infused BBQ sauce and then rolled in crackerjacks too?

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Yiekes, I got acid indigestion and late-onset diabetes from the pictures alone. And, gawddamnit, everything went straight to my thighs. Gonna need a stretchier track suit.

    • SDGeoff

      Looks like cantaloupes to me, pal.

      • NoGoodnik

        Isn’t that probable cause?

        • SDGeoff

          According to some.

  • greyXstar

    Real talk, the best sammich I’ve ever had anywhere is made at a hockey arena. Freshly roasted and carved turkey piled on rye that is smeared with fresh cranberry sauce and banana pepper aioli.

  • SnarkTank

    Pittsburgh people are genuinely perplexed when you criticize them for serving a “caesar salad” topped with feta, olives, red onions, and tomatoes.
    .
    OK, I was born and raised in the ‘Burgh, and I have never, ever seen a Caesar served this way. I HAVE seen Greek salads like that, tho, so I think you were just confused.
    .
    Second, that monstrosity at the top is truly disgusting, and I will not defend it.
    .
    C, there is much, much goodness in REAL (as opposed to imaginary Caesars) Pittsburgh cuisine. We make things that may LOOK like they don’t work, but they totally do. The Primanti Brothers sammich with the fries and cole slaw right on the sammy? Perfection. Fries on a salad? ZOMG is that da bomb. Classic Polish (halushki, halupki, etc.) and Italian (real, authentic Italian) food. And (available at Grill 36, named for and owned by Jerome Bettis) the deep-fried cheeseburger and deep-fried hoagie are amazing.

    • Pickwicknext

      Umm….you are not going to win this arguement. Pittsburgh food (& “food”) is a favourite of Pinkham’s.

    • Courser

      Oh man, I love some Halushki! My brother keeps promising to make that one of these days.

    • Abyss

      Deep fried cheeseburger you say?
      Hmmm….

  • Creepoman

    Maybe I missed it, but did Atlanta’s line-up of soft-drink infused condiments include Brawndo?

    • NoGoodnik

      When did I miss the trend for soft-drink infused condiments? Isn’t that tantamount to Coca-Cola salad?

  • Belasaurius

    we’re using the term “food” loosely here, correct?

    • Hutch

      Yes. As in “loose stools.”

      • Belasaurius

        we should go to these stadiums and put out of order signs on all the stalls.

        • Hutch

          OMG! There’d be maple sriracha drizzle everywhere!

        • HanBarbara

          It would look like a Bundy-occupied bird sanctuary on steroids.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Concocted by the gastronomic scientists of Unit 731.

    • data_ninja

      FYI love the avatar. MCP FTW.

    • Courser

      Unit 731 – where the Chinese did worse than the Nazis on their prisoners. Studied that in grad school & figured that where Max got his idea for World War Z.

      • decafjava

        Japanese actually, Chinese were the main victims.

        • Courser

          I stand corrected. You’re absolutely right.

  • SDGeoff

    Oh, but you should check out our San Diego Padres food! In our gorgeous new baseball stadium! While I’m sure there are some of the usual suspects, the stadium leases space to our local businesses specializing in barbecue, fish tacos, burgers, craft beer and so forth. I know it will be expensive as hell, but at least the food available is pretty fine.

    • Zippy

      Petco is fun…

  • data_ninja

    I never thought I’d see Melt Bar and Grilled food look healthy by comparison.

  • I don’t know why they’re not going with just bacon sandwiches.
    Cue gluten intolerance complaints:

    • r m reddicks

      Wild Turkey libelllzz1!!!1!1

  • Michael Rush

    Needs more deep fried cowbell .

  • Let’s be honest, the Royals food is going to be a step up so long as it isn’t the moldy, shriveled, Koch brother penis-like mess their Buck Night hot dogs were last year.

    • Sal Corasaniti

      It looks like an enlarged photo of Trump’s dick.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Is there no bar low enough for them to be unable to limbo under?!?!

    • theblackdog

      My god, how do you fuck up Dollar Dogs that badly?!

      • When the team is owned by Wal-Mart’s former CEO and the local Aramark distributor may or may not have a cross-research agreement with Aperture Science.

        • theblackdog

          So the hot dogs were a lie, or were they each a test?

  • Master Contrail Program

    Given their contributions to modern cuisine, and chemical/biological warfare(in the bad old days); I’d like to see a companion article on Japanese stadium concessions.

  • Logic of Color

    Are ya sure the T.E.D wasn’t named for “Ted Turner?”

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      The stadium was, but they will be moving out of the Ted after this season. Too bad. A nice stadium, lousy transit though.

      • cynmac

        The new stadium’s transit is even worse. Like the pedestrian bridge won’t be ready for opening day so how do the people get from the buses to the stadium? It’s a cluster of magnificent FAIL.

  • St. Louis Cardinals

    Pretty much all St. Louis food qualifies for this. Enjoy cracker pizza with fake cheese, alongside your accident ravioli, egg foo young on Wonder bread and cake packed with so much butter Paula Deen would beg you to take it back a notch.

    • Sal Corasaniti

      The old blog’s riff on St. Louis Cuisine was one for the ages. Thanks for reminding me of that!

      • That was as much mocking the Wikipedia page as it was mocking the food.

        For the record, that page was hardcore scrubbed within the next 24 hours.

        • Sal Corasaniti

          I still have the riff saved as a bookmark on Chrome.

    • The Wanderer

      “Accident ravioli?” With genuine roadkill stuffing and an asphalt garnish?

  • Logic of Color

    I thought Arizona’s baseball team was “Spring Training”

  • Jay Vaughn

    That hamburger dog from QT was fucking amazing. To speak ill of it is the highest blasphemy, emphasis on high.

    • Courser

      Awesome if’n your HIGH, you mean.

  • HanBarbara

    The real obscenity is that all of this crap food made from cheap ingredients probably sells for about $15.00 a pop.

    • BigBoppa

      $14.99. And the pop is extra.

  • azeyote

    hope they have an abundance of EMT folks equipped with blood thinners, defibrillators, and a triple by pass surgery room –

  • Portia McGonagal

    Are they handing out type II diabetes meds with each order? And I don’t even want to know how much they’re charging for these concoctions.

    • Doug Langley

      I’d guess the price is the real horror.

  • NoGoodnik

    Protein sheath just sounds dirty to me.

    • The Wanderer

      And you’d be right.

  • Gristle McThornbody

    Sorry, but the Cheeseburger Dog and the Burgerizza look like fine dining to me. Yum.

    • NoGoodnik

      Sounds like we have a date Mrs. McThornbody! I’ll bring the beer.

      • Gristle McThornbody

        Can’t do the beer anymore, but we sure can snarf down some greasy meat and bread. I’ll bring the lemonade.

        • NoGoodnik

          I’ll make sure it is hard.

          • Gristle McThornbody

            Your pepperoni is making me blush!

          • NoGoodnik

            Well, it’s pretty hot and wrapped in a protein sheath.

          • Abyss

            Get a room!

          • Doug Langley

            Just make it out of Flint water.

    • kev

      they all sound delectable to me. probably why the missus predicts i’ll be dying a painful, chest-grabbing death any time now. (or she’s gonna make good on that threat to stab me in the heart).

    • Daru Titor

      Innovation is good and all, but they should’ve just stopped at the KFC
      Double Down. Every new fried idea since then is a cheap heart attack
      costing an arm and a leg served in a styrofoam container, for your
      convenience.

  • Blank Ron

    The stadium in which the Blue Jays occasionally ply their trade is owned by the Rogers family of wannabe telecommunications moguls. Anyone familiar with them – and with Aramark, who got their start preparing ‘food’ for Air Canada – will understand why the Chicken & Waffles On A Stick exists.

  • Master Contrail Program

    The real Braves are the fans who get their concessions club punch cards filled. “One more and I get a free….huh, is my arm going numb?”

  • Zippy

    Fun fact- Aramark, the company making much of this stadium food, is also one of the biggest suppliers of rat feces infested prison food

    • SessileRaptor

      Locally sourced, sustainable, certified organic rat feces thankyouverymuch.

    • Doug Langley

      At least that would have higher protein content than these abominations.

  • Doug Langley

    If only I could get the Pepto-Bismal concession . . .

  • Jonny On Maui

    Just to be clear, there’s no such thing as a ‘toasted hawaiian bun’ breadstuff.

    Visit any of the beaches and you’ll see the good kind of Toasted Hawaiian Buns.

    Do your own google image search pervert…

  • natoslug

    Aramark better not be claiming they created that first one — I used to vomit up something remarkably similar most weekends 27+ years ago when I was in college and majoring in Alcohol Overconsumption.

  • GDleftyPart2

    (yes, Arizona has a baseball team)
    Hey, that cellar isn’t going to clean itself up.

  • GlobalBeagle

    Take some normal food, process it so it’s tasteless, deep fry it, cover it in very salty or spicy stuff so you can’t taste the actual food. Wrap it in something a bit like bread, but tastes like Styrofoam = voilà – stadium food designed to fill the most cavernous gut-bucket.

  • Iam Reading

    Explains why many sports ball fans are so fucking fat.

    • Courser

      Explains why obesity is an epidemic.

      Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big girl, but I didn’t get that way by stuffing my face with all the ‘EXTREEEEEEME’ flavored things.

      Walking through a HellMart, everywhere I turn I’m assaulted by fatasses filling their carts with various kinds of food processed to the point where it has no nutritional value left. The only thing left is XXXXFLAVOR’.

      You could put that FLAVOR dust on dogshit & they’d eat it.

      No thanks.

  • Daru Titor

    “Then there’s The Punisher. Yes, they named
    a food item after an act of retribution.”

    Perfect for Frank Castle.(to feed to his prisoners until they spill their guts)

  • Spotts1701

    Well, I’m in Phoenix now for a little Spring Training vacation. I may try the Cheeseburger Dog at one of the games at Chase. If I live, I will report.

  • “This dish also comes with a maple sriracha drizzle, because it has to let you know it is both Canadian AND an insufferable hipster.”
    I’ll not read a funnier sentence this day.

    • Courser

      Sounds absolutely disgusting. I’m grossed out over everything being ‘Sriracha flavored” these days. The only flavor that has is SPICY

      • H0mer0

        Also too hiccups

      • Lily412

        I actually can taste some flavor in sriracha, but I only use it for certain things, like a couple dashes in a big pot of ramen. I’ve seen people dump sriracha all over their eggs; how the hell can you taste the eggs under that?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Whoda thunk it? You go to a ball game in Arizona and they serve you a Cleveland Steamer.

  • Redgyal

    Irish nachos because they’re served on potato chips instead of corn tortilla chips. Incidentally, the potato is native to South America and was first cultivated by the Incas. So, still wrong.

    • patonliz

      I came here to say the same thing. And they’re generally DELICIOUS, so there’s that. Boston Pizza (Canadian (only?) restaurant chain) used to make what they called Cactus Cut Nachos using potatoes and they were RIDICULOUSLY good.

    • Abyss

      But Incan nachos wouldn’t be nearly as tempting…

  • Calli Arcale

    Talking of Guy Fieri, did you know there is one food that he finds absolutely repulsive? It’s eggs. Especially if the yolk is runny. He really can’t stand eggs. It was a thing of beauty when he took his show to Minneapolis and met up with Andrew Zimmern at a local pizza place. This pizza place does a lot of weird pizzas, but one of them has eggs on it. Zimmern knows Fieri doesn’t like eggs. :-D So of course *that* was the pizza Fieri had to help make. It really really really freaked him out to crack the eggs over the pizza. And then he had to taste the results. Because hey, when you’re standing with a guy who has willingly eaten live banana grubs, you really can’t say that *eggs* are too gross.

    His squirming was great fun to watch. ;-) Am I a bad person for that?

    • DemmeFatale

      You are not a bad person!
      Guy is an asshole!
      Most chefs love eggs, and it’s one of their favorite foods.
      Figures that he wouldn’t like them.
      My daughter lives in Portand, OR and says that when he came there, (Country Cat), they had to shut down for 3 days, and have a stencil of his stupid face put on the exhaust hood (open kitchen) where everyone could see it.
      Hope it was worth it.

    • Abyss

      If watching Fieri squirm is bad, I don’t wanna be good.

      Tho to be fair, iirc he admitted to liking the pizza.

  • this reminds me: I’ve been sent a jar each of Vegemite and Marmite.

    Both suit my peculiar tastes.

  • malsperanza

    On the plus side, the Yankees are now serving sushi, escargots, gluten-free nutella torte, and kale salad with a raspberry vinaigrette infusion.

    • DemmeFatale

      But do they have shrimp sandwiches and fried brussels sprouts?
      Or “porcini dusted donuts?!”
      Proles!!!!1!

      (I wonder if they still have Michael Jordan’s Steakhouse?)

      • malsperanza

        That is a very decent steakhouse in Grand Central Station. There may be an outpost at Yankee Stadium, but I wouldn’t know because I stick to a strict diet of ballpark franks and watery beer.

  • Jennifer R

    The Houston one looks like it has green onions not jalepenios on it.

  • tehbaddr

    Atlanta’s offerings remind me of Idiocracy. Cola and Energy drink infused sauces on everything!

    http://i.onionstatic.com/avclub/4048/97/16×9/960.jpg

  • JustCameToSayYum

    Clearly this is an April Fools joke.

  • myexisinthetrunk

    Where’s the Hot Fudge? Huh? Huh? Marshmallow…Whipped Cream? Can’t have a decent spread of awfulness without at least one of the above . Velveta Ice Cream?

    • I was noticing most of these were very deep in the salty, spicy, and bacony worlds.

      Does not American Gluttons love tooth-shriveling sweets anymore?

  • DemmeFatale

    Have a “Porcini-Dusted Donut” at the San Francisco Giants, AT&T Park:
    http://www.ktvu.com/news/114443486-story

  • Courser

    I read this article & comments while I scarfed down a huge bowl of salad with simple oil & vinegar dressing. Does it make me a bad person if I feel morally superior to the people who create and eat that crap?

    Lately, it seems that extreme flavorings are really big right now. Personally, I think people get addicted to feeling like their oral cavity is always on fire. It makes me weep for all the wonderful savory and delicately seasoned dishes that are so, so very delicious. More for me, I guess!

    • Mr Corrections

      Well, chilli peppers are very mildly addictive (or the capsaicin in them is, anyway).

  • Steven Holmquist

    I thought I’d seen it all after the Horse-collar dog (22-inch-long kielbasa, a horse shoe-shaped hoagie roll, beer cheese and fried sauerkraut) the Packers came up with. But that Burgerizza really takes the case of Rolaids…

    • LarkintheAM

      That’s . . . there are no words. Well, none other than ewwwwwww.

    • MausFeet

      So if I admit that I would happily and willingly eat a small portion of that, how much of where in the US I was raised and what my family heritage is does it reveal? (AOT,K?)

    • Mr Corrections

      holy shit

    • Abyss

      Would eat.

      • Renee

        Totes. I’d be like Homer Simpson and his 10 foot hoagie, nibbling on it for days, and even after it made me sick, pick it up and say “Oh, I can’t stay mad at you!”

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Each of those serve a family, right?

    • sillyclucker

      Big enough to serve (kill) a family of four.

  • Frank The Rat

    Abner Doubleday continues to spin in his grave, while Ted (Teddy Fucking Baseball) Williams has jumped out of his cryogenic holding tank and left the building. I quit going to professional sports back in the late ’80s when I lived in Houston. “Dome Dogs” were name for the Astrodome (look it up kidz, roofed stadiums were kool!), but they were at least recognizable as a hot dog like item.

    They also had nachos with cheese and overpriced beer, like any respectable ballpark. Expensive, artery clogging, AOT,K. But this list of drek reminds me of why Costco is still my go-to joint for a dog. I have them leave it off the bun (they use the bun to dry the dog making them stick together. Then I either eat it there after drying the dog or I bring it home and use my own condiments to turn it into a reasonable facsimile of a Chicago style dog. $1.50 and I don’t have to watch my tax dollars at work in a building that is used fewer than 100 days per year.

  • Tansy Geek

    I am truly surprised that Boston didn’t offer some deep fried canned clam and goat cheese abomination

    • Abyss

      STOP GIVING THEM IDEAS.

  • LarkintheAM

    the end result was the most horrifying statue in the history of mankind,


    The first thing I thought of when I clicked the linky was “Why is ShivaShiva in a Nats uniform pitching a baseball?”

  • Allison Young

    The burgerizza isn’t a new thing. It was on the King of Queens, and yes, I made my own out of In-N-Out patties and two slices of great pepperoni pizza. Once. I can’t risk trying that deliciousness again for my body’s sake.

  • Mr Corrections

    what the hell are these monstrosities

  • kaw143

    You know, this stuff makes the annual Deep Fried Hell competition at the Texas State Fair seem tame by comparison. And the last time I was there, the “winner” was a deep fried shrimp boil with champagne gravy.

  • Mintie

    All of this has made my Plain Jane chicken noodle soup lunch inedible. Thanks a lot.

    • Bill Slider

      Just add the Coca Cola catsip and it will be fine.

  • Seriously, The Punisher seems to have a bacon sculpture of a praying mantis on it.

    • Abyss

      So your post prompted me to google image search ‘bacon sculpture competition’ and nowI… I…. I don’t know whether I’m hungry or inspired or just without hope for humanity.

  • MausFeet

    So given that stadiums do this every year (at least some of them) does this stuff sell? I mean, I’ll gladly admit that I am a willing trash food eater sometimes, but like, a one time order of an insane food item that you and your friends pick at and then toss doesn’t seem like a huge draw/money maker. Or am I giving American ballpark goers too much credit?

  • gratuitous

    Go Royals. Maybe to help you remember you short attention span hipsters, they’ll win their third straight pennant and second straight World Series in 2016.

  • eddi

    I just gained 20 pounds reading that. I also developed an allergy to bacon, sriracha and anything that uses the term “infused”. What in Oscar Meyer’s name happened to brats, beer and baseball? What kind of crowd are they trying to attract? And do I sense a hint of desperation triggered by falling ticket sales due to rising ticket prices?

    • Lily412

      I was especially offended by “Monster-infused.” For one thing, ew, and for another, what are they trying to do–accelerate the heart attack?

  • handyhippie65

    i wouldn’t eat one of those abominations, let alone pay the outrageous price they would ask.

  • jmk

    Thank you, Mets, for sponsoring NOT ONE THING ON THIS LIST.

    For realz, the food at CitiField – including Shake Shack – is excellent, with celebrity chefs running the food stands.

  • Goposaur

    I dunno, some of these sound intriguing, as I treat my body like a landfill. but sweet merciful jeebus, I fucking hate pretzel rolls. I wouldn’t even feed one to a seagull.

  • Me The People

    I vote Barber’s Adagio For Strings as the official soundtrack for this article.

  • Raugiel

    Irish Nachos – Sorry if this was posted before and I am late to the party, but I think that dumb name comes from the potato chips.

  • dshwa

    Note to self, put all the 401k monies in companies that make diabetes treatments.

  • Lu
  • Lu
  • Lu
  • Lu
  • Lu
  • Abyss

    Pinkham, this may be the most glorious thing you have ever written.

    “wet, floppy gristlegasm”…. I laughed out loud AND vomitted inside my mouth a little. At the SAME TIME.

  • bmf125

    I would eat “The Punisher”…I would be angry with myself after but dammit, I would eat it.

  • catch22

    I would eat the shit out of that Burgerizza…but that would require going to a Braves game.

  • Bill Slider

    No entries from Baltimore? Feathers ‘n fries would be good for a start? The Charm City crowd needs to invent something to compete with their starting pitchers since they let one go to introduce an unproven farm system kid. Maybe former governor and former 2016 Democratic presidential candidate O’Malley can pitch.

  • Sven_the_Berzerker

    These “food” options will make the basis of a great fad diet. Just reading about these monstrosities made me lose my appetite — no, made me nauseous — so my caloric intake today should drop significantly.

  • Pancakes to Celebrate

    As an atlant resident and braves fan, this is entirely fair, if not an under reaction.

    • Adam Jonas Waldorf

      The venerated (and generally overrated) Fox Bros. does a chicken fried rib with white bbq sauce. It’s nothing special.

  • Martin Chambers

    Hahaha “Irish” hahaha “potato” chips.
    Anything with potatoes is Irish, right?

    • gaynorvader

      Everything except Ireland in the 1840s

  • TorchBearer2

    I have to give some forgiveness to Irish Nachos, the concept has been around since at least the 90’s, when Irish pubs started popping up on the west coast.

  • Vee

    Monster doesn’t deserve to even exist, let alone be put into barbecue sauce for someone to ingest. That’s just a sin the universe will never forgive.

  • IVer

    thisiswhyyourefat.kinja.com

  • Adam Jonas Waldorf

    Racetrac did that chicken and waffle stick in a wrap with no stick. As I recall, it was even worse because it baked the syrup into the waffle. Bad bad bad.

  • aranxa1

    “It’s a dessert topping AND a floor wax!” And I thought I couldn’t love you more, Pinkham. So many people these days have never heard of that amazing duel action product “Martin Sheen”.

  • TF04

    Can it be Pinkham’s law of the story isn’t a Best Of? Because I am going to call it on the chicken and waffle stick with hipster dressing. Sounds really fucking good, especially if the mistake of using shitty chicken tenderloins with left over cartilage is avoided.

  • TF04

    Can it be Pinkham’s law if the story isn’t a Best Of? Because I am going to call it on the chicken and waffle stick with hipster dressing. Sounds really fucking good, especially if the mistake of using shitty chicken tenderloins with left over cartilage is avoided.

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