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They're not all dead inside, YOU'RE DEAD INSIDE.
They’re not all dead inside, YOU’RE DEAD INSIDE.

Hey, Jesus Lovers, OMG OMG OMG, are you so excited about watching TV tonight? No, not the primaries! What are you, some kind of politically minded DORKASS? No, we are talking about the premiere of the new season of “Duggar Diddles 90210” or whatever it’s called. Just fooling, it is called “Jill & Jessa: Counting On,” because “19 Kids And Counting” had to go away when we found out that the firstborn Duggar, Josh, fingerbanged his sisters and his parents tried to cover it up. Then Josh paid for the privilege of sex-fucking a porn star in her vagina. Oh and then he had to go to sex rehab, to learn how to avoid sins of the penis and fingers. But now he’s healed!

ANYSHIZZLE.

You should know that the next oldest boy after Josh, John-David Duggar, who is a single, unfuckable old maid at 26 (by Duggar standards), is pretty sure Satan won’t be ruining the family’s latest whore-grifting grift-whoring for reality TV cash:

The devil took his best shot. And he tried to take our whole family down, but God has really used this to — instead of tearing us apart as a family, he’s using it to draw us together … We’ve forgiven, and we’re moving on, and we’re looking to the future.

Oh John-David. Was that really “the devil” taking his best shot? Was it “the devil” who hand-molested family members and rage-porked a porn lady? Did “the devil” have to spend so many long months at the Jesustime Sexypants Rehab? Or was that your big brother? Because didn’t you just say in December the hardest thing in the world (besides Josh Duggar obsessively refreshing XTube) was telling your brother you didn’t want to be like him anymore? We don’t remember you saying that TO THE DEVIL.

Oh well. What can you do? One second you’re real upset because your older brother is a perv-tastic hornball, the next second you’re deflecting blame onto Satan. Such is the life of a Duggar, we guess.

Anyway, the family is super excited about getting on the TV again. Notice that the announcement on the Duggar Blog features a very important detail:

The season premiere of Counting On airs in less than 36 hours! The Duggars have a lot of exciting milestones to share, as Anna Duggar and Jim Bob and Michelle’s adult children, excluding Josh, show viewers how they are stepping up and moving on after a difficult year.

Don’t worry, mommies and daddies! Josh will not be there! This season of the Duggars is not NC-17, and you won’t have to worry about ‘splaining to your kids that half the screen is milky and translucent because Josh surprise jizzed on the camera lens.

Here, have a preview of the new season:

So, want to know what happens on tonight’s episode, and also on next week’s episode? Well lucky for you, the Duggars have provided SPOILERS, which we will translate from Duggar-ese into Wonkish.

TONIGHT:

Jessa and Ben navigate life as a family of three with new baby Spurgeon. Jill and Derick settle into their home in Central America as Israel starts to hit new milestones. Later, Jessa enlists her sisters to help prepare a fall feast for the whole family.

Jessa knocks a baby out her butt. Jill and Derick are pretending to be “missionaries” in Central America or something, even though they have totally admitted they’re winning souls without a license and probably everybody they’ve met is still going to hell. They probably were just sidehugging each other’s glistening sin holes on the El Salvadoran beach. Oh, and grifting, they were doing LOTS of grifting, so much that they had to return some of their dumbnugget followers’ donation moneys.

Later, Jessa picks some frozen tater tots and ham bits out of the Duggar family garden and fries them up for supper.

NEXT WEEK:

Jana and Jessa embark on a large DIY lighting project while the rest of the family travels to Central America. When Jessa and Ben go on their first date since Spurgeon was born, will his presence wreck the romance?

Jana, John-David’s twin, who is also 26 and thus a crusty, feculent hag in Duggar years, changes some light bulbs while the rest of the family goes to Central America to pry Jill and Derick off each other’s cocks. Jessa and Ben wanna fuck but they might not get to fuck because it’s time to like “feed the baby” or something. Parenthood sux.

So there’s your preview. Happy Duggaring, everybody!

[ABC / Duggar Blog]

 

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