John Kasich has a cunning plan to be the next Republican presidential nominee. It goes a little something like this: use his “moderate” inside voice during debates, avoid discussing the size of Donald Trump’s dick, and hope the Republican Party hands him the nomination after the other candidates have eaten each other alive, in attempt to stop frontrunner Donald Trump, and are passed out somewhere in a food coma:
“In order to be the nominee, you have to have a certain number of votes,” Kasich said. “Not like, a plurality. You’ve got to have a certain number. You know, it’s like anything else in life, there’s certain rules. You take a driving test, you don’t pass the driving test, you don’t get your license. It’s not like, well, that’s good enough for government. You’ve got to win. You don’t just say, ‘Well, I have more than anybody else, therefore I’m in.'”
That might sound like bad news for Kasich, who has yet to win a single state and is in dead last place (even behind Marco Rubio!) in the delegate count. But, see, that’s where Kasich thinks he’s being clever. Because if Trump can’t win the required majority of delegates, then it’s as if the whole primary season never even happened! The Republican Party is free to start all over at the convention, not caring that Kasich is no one’s first or second or third choice. Instead, says Kasich:
“The delegates will be smart, and they’ll figure it out,” Kasich said. “I was at a convention where Ronald Reagan challenged Gerald Ford. Ford won and the party was unified. But, you know, to say – I have more than you, therefore I should get it? Go out and earn it! Don’t be whining about how it’s gonna work. Go get what you need to be the legitimate winner!”
Clearly, Kasich’s definition of “smart” means not caring that Kasich is the least popular, most losing candidate in the race. The nominee should have to earn it the old-fashioned way, with a majority of delegates — or, alternately, not earn it but instead be John Kasich. That works out nicely for candidates named John Kasich, doesn’t it? Such candidates don’t even have to worry about being in dead last place in the delegate count. And while Kasich had been hoping for an impressive showing in the Michigan primary on Tuesday, that’s, um, not going to happen. At this point, Kasich is a-hopin’ and a-prayin’ to please, dear lord, let him squeak out a victory in his own state of Ohio, where a new PPP poll released Monday shows Trump with a slight lead over him.
Here’s some sexy hot political analysis for you: If Kasich can’t win his own state, he probably can’t win any other states either. That would usually be considered an obstacle for a candidate seeking the presidential nomination, but in the 2016 GOP primary race, candidates — and even not-candidates, like Mitt Romney — seem to think winning is just a technicality. You can lose your way through the primary — or aw heck, just sit the whole thing out entirely — and then show up at the Republican convention and have the party hand the thing to you, instead of Trump, because that’s the “smart” thing to do.
We might note that overruling the will of a plurality of Republican voters who want TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP, so that the party establishment can make the wiser and more reasonable Kasich (or Romney!) choice for them, is perhaps not too smart, actually. It could bring total civil war to an already fractured, freaked-the-frick-out party. But screw them, that’s their problem.