Former First Lady Nancy Reagan, the woman who reputedly gave the greatest blowjobs in Hollywood and gave America the “Just Say No To Drugs” campaign, which ultimately proved far less satisfying, has died at the age of 94. Get ready for the predictable memorial glurge about how “she and her beloved Ronnie are together again” — direct quote from former Reagan chief of staff Ken Duberstein on MSNBC a while ago — and if we’re really lucky, some utterly vomit-worthy commemorative art on the internets. Don’t worry, we’re sure we’ll find plenty.
And so while other media outlets will be full of phrases like “fiercely loyal,” “protective,” “stylish and influential,” “a true Hollywood romance,” and “her beloved Ronnie,” we will leave them to their clichés and instead celebrate Nancy Reagan for being a pioneer of empowered women’s sexuality, since by all accounts she could empower the chrome off a trailer hitch, or so said Kitty Kelley in her very unauthorized biography. While we don’t have a copy of the book handy (HA!), the relevant passage, according to presidential blowjob essayist James Ledbetter, says that Nancy Davis
“was renowned in Hollywood for performing oral sex.” Just-say-yes Nancy — in the days when she was Nancy Davis — was known to give the best blowjob in town, “not only in the evening but in offices. [T]hat was one of the reasons that she was very popular on the MGM lot.”
And in an era when movie scripts usually reduced women’s parts — err roles — to simply “the girl,” one could make an argument that if Nancy Davis slept her way to power in that environment, then by god, she was simply playing the game as ’twas played in the day, and damned if we’re going to be slut-shaming in this remembrance of the former Ms. Davis, who also, according to Kelley, boned the living daylights out of Frank Sinatra. But definitely not Mr. T; she only sat on his lap. It was a weird time, the 1980s.
Also, let us never forget, Nancy also inspired the all-time greatest Wonkette Comment of the Day, from the now apparently vanished Wonkette Operative, “MrsBiggTime”:
Mrs Gobblecocks, suck down my balls!
MrsBiggTime, if you’re still here under another username, please take a bow. But not one of those horrible bows that Nancy always wore.
As a First Lady, Nancy did some of the best acting in her career, always getting photographed as the Loyal Wife gazing adoringly at Ronnie, and when the cameras weren’t around, cheerfully consulting an astrologer to help determine the schedule for virtually everything the President of the United States did, and why would anyone have a problem with that? Let’s remember, with Rachel Maddow:
Let’s also remember that Nancy, like her beloved Ronnie,
didn’t really give two shits about took her sweet time to publicly acknowledge the AIDS crisis — as her Hollywood pal Rock Hudson was dying in 1985, Nancy chose to ignore a telegram pleading with the Reagan administration to help get Hudson transferred to a French military hospital that could have saved him, or at least would have provided better care than he was getting. She was so caring, so humane, such a classy lover of entertaining the glitterati. But AIDS was too icky for the Reagans to talk about until 1985. (On MSNBC right now, on the other hand, former White House social secretary Gahl Hodges Burt gave Nancy credit for helping Hudson get diagnosed in the first place, since he first noticed a spot on the back of his neck in a photo taken while he visited the Reagans in the White House for dinner. “He called Mrs. Reagan to thank her for sending the photo to him,” Burt said, “And he had gone to the doctor and been diagnosed with AIDS, and Mrs. Reagan called Elizabeth Taylor, and the rest is sort of history as to how AIDS started to ravish [sic] this country in the mid-’80s.” So who knows? Maybe Nancy thought she’d helped the closeted gay guy enough already.)
[Update, added 2:30 EST] Ah, but let us be fair and balanced: According to PBS, Nancy and Ron Jr. also worked “behind the scenes” to encourage Ronald Reagan to fund AIDS research and to “do more.” So there’s that. Also, we should note that White House staffer Mark Weinberg, who received the telegram from Hudson’s publicist in 1985, told Buzzfeed that he had recommended to Mrs. Reagan that she not intervene, telling her “This is probably not the [last] time we’re going to get a request like this and we want to be fair and not do anything that would appear to favor personal friends.” While he didn’t recall her exact words, he said Nancy Reagan agreed the White House should instead refer Hudson’s publicist to the U.S. Embassy, as they would for any other American, because they “had to be fair” and not show favoritism.
Nancy Reagan will be buried next to her beloved Ronnie at the Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California. Very stylishly, we are sure.