Presidential candidates aren’t the only thing Texas is going to play Hold ‘Em with on Super Tuesday, as there is also GOHMERS! Texas Congresscritter Louis Bumblescrunch Gohmert IV (R-Some Shithole) is under attack in his own backyard! No, not from the forces of reason and/or sanity — he’s from Texas, where they don’t have any truck with those. Instead, Gohmert is facing a primary challenge tonight on this night of nights for the first time in his 12-year tenure as an incumbent congressman.
Self-funded rancher Simon Winston has thrown significant amounts of his own money toward defeating Gohmert, whom Winston has referred to as a “clown” and an “embarrassment.” Despite being expected to win a majority and avoid a May 24 runoff with Winston, Gohmers is so a-scurred of the potential of losing his congressional seat that he even called into Glenn Beck’s radio show on Monday to beg for donations. This seems a bit late in the game to us considering the primary was, y’know, the next day and all.
If you need reminding about the Many Majesties of Gohmers (since he hasn’t shown up much in public lately, much to our chagrin), take a trip with us through our Louie Gohmert archives, which are HOLY SHIT one hell of a deep well. Caribou-humping enthusiast Gohmert is well known for crucially sounding the alarm about the rise of Barack Obama’s Obamacare Army, opposing gay marriage because of demonic plumbing, and being very upset with those pesky “Republican females,” not to mention repeatedly insinuating Obama is best pals with terrorists. There’s also this interview about terror babies, which is and shall remain the greatest thing we’ve ever seen:
We probably don’t need to clarify this, but Simon Winston is absolutely correct: Louie Gohmert is definitely both a clown and an embarrassment. These facts are indisputable. We also desperately hope he holds onto his congressional seat, since there is a 0 percent chance any Democrat will ever win in his redder-than-the-pits-of-hell district. The absolute last thing we want is for someone as catastrophically, entertainingly stupid as Gohmers to be replaced with a boilerplate “WE LUV URRR FREEEDUMBS” Republican. True, they would both be stupid and terrible for the country — but only one of them would also provide an endless font of comedy fodder.
Good luck, Gohmers, and may the Derp be with you.