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We are NEVER getting tired of this image.

Earlier this week, the University of Nebraska-Kearney scrapped plans to install a Chick-Fil-A franchise on campus after numerous complaints from students upset about the chain’s regressive views on marriage equality. That seems clear-cut and reasonable, and we can all go home without discussing it further, right? NOT IF FOX NEWS COLUMNIST TODD STARNES HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, WE CAN’T!

Unfortunately for reasonable human beings and fortunately for lovers of unintentional comedy, self-acknowledged incompetent moron and suspected pee imbiber Starnes decided to insert himself into the discussion like a walrus in a drainpipe. Starnes took a break from writing about his love of Donald Trump’s boner to opine (again) about his deep devotion to Chick-Fil-A and how anyone who doesn’t love gay-hatin’ chicken sandwiches is a godless communist, or something.

After summarizing the argle-bargle over Chick-Fil-A, Starnes got off to an inauspicious start:

Who doesn’t love a plump juicy chicken breast tucked between hot, buttered buns?

PHRASING, TODD. We’ll pause here while you all go throw up.

OK, you good now? Cool. Let’s continue.

However, it turns out majority does not rule at the University of Nebraska – Kearney. A vocal minority pitched a fit and demanded that Chick-fil-A be banished from campus.

Oh no! Not everyone was thrilled with having gay-hatin’ fast food on campus?

All the anti-chicken contingent needed for their nefarious plan to succeed was a yellow-bellied student government. And they got what they were looking for. […]

“When we learned more about Chick-fil-A and its corporate values and discriminatory policies, and after hearing these concerns raised by a section of our student body, we concluded that these corporate values are not aligned with our values as a student body, and it is not in the best interest of our UNK community to pursue Chick-fil-A right now,” he wrote.

Well, that seems perfectly rational to us. “We decided we’d prefer not to have them on campus because they are shitty to gay people.”

So go ahead, Todd Starnes, explain to us why it is in fact an abhorrent assault on the forces of reason and basic human decency:

Calhoun did not provide any evidence that Chick-fil-A has ever discriminated against anyone – especially the LGBT community. But these days – facts don’t seem to matter.

Uh, Todd. Hi. Yeah. Down in front.

The university’s spokes-dude, a fellow by the name of Todd Gottula, told the local newspaper that Chick-fil-A has not been banned. Well, that depends on what your definition of ban is, Mr. Gottula.

How hard do you think Todd Starnes high-fived himself when he came up with that zinger, on a scale of 1 to 10 Trump Penises?

The conflict stems from the Great Chicken Conflict of 2012. I was reporting from the frontline trenches of that battle. Chick-fil-A’s president had the nerve to speak out in support of traditional marriage. That prompted all sorts of protests and outrage from militant LGBT activists and chicken-bigots.

The war had gone badly that winter for the Righteous Forces of the Kingdom of No Marriage Equality. They’d suffered innumerable casualties when a particularly cruel internet commenter had referred to them as “dickfucks.” Their supply chain had been cut when nearby college campuses had refused to grant business licenses to Chick-Fil-A; what the hell were the brave warriors supposed to do at that point, eat at Subway?! That would’ve been a fate worse than death. By late January, the bitter cold had forced them to eat their Bibles, and they were all running dangerously low on faith.

Scribbling madly, courageous holy war journalist Todd Starnes recorded it all, stopping only to take sips of his own urine from the thermos that was his constant companion. Small blessings; at least no one judged him for that now.

Pro-poultry student Aaron Ohri fired off a letter calling the student government’s decision a “complete and total slap in the face to many of us on this campus who believe that Chick-fil-A is not wrong in what they believe.”

“I understand that a Christian lifestyle in this day and society is completely ‘disrespectful’ but please do not ever again send me an email speaking for the ‘whole student body’ when you do not have a clue what most of us actually think,” he wrote in a letter to the university.

Awww, poor babbies are unhappy they can’t loudly and proudly Do A Bigotry in their mouths. Personally, we’d prefer you were kicked in the nuts rather than slapped in the face, Aaron, but we can’t have everything, so we’ll settle for you not having easy access to Chick-Fil-A.

Also, not that we need to repeat this at this point, but if you think a Christian lifestyle demands you oppress vulnerable groups in American society, you’re Christianing wrong.

But what does this all mean, Todd Starnes?

Well, Mr. Gottula, when you put the puzzle pieces together you discover a very disturbing national trend. Those who do not affirm the LGBT agenda are systematically being silenced.

First, they came for the homophobic bigots, and I said nothing.

Unless you ascribe to their point of view – you are not welcome to participate in the public marketplace – of ideas or commerce.

You will be made to conform — resistance is futile.

Look, Starnes, if there are Star Trek references to be made, we will be the ones making them, thank you very much.

In conclusion: moron Todd Starnes is still moron.

[Fox News / Daily Mail]

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  • lucidamente

    Nobody fucks a chicken like Todd Starnes.

    • kindness

      Why did the chicken run across the road?

      To get away from that perv Todd Starnes.

    • TheBidenator

      GOP libel!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      The most embarrassing thing about it is that the chickens don’t notice he’s there.

    • Creepoman

      Out-n-proud chicken fucker, far as I can tell.

  • FlownOver

    “Who doesn’t love a plump juicy chicken breast tucked between hot, buttered buns?”

    Anybody seen Starnes lately?

    No? Did you look in his bunk?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Is he the one who was in that chicken sex scene from “Pink Flamingoes”?

  • Vicious Babushka

    Does Todd Starnes sip his peepee drinks from a monogrammed thermos? Inquiring minds want to know!

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Unless you ascribe to their point of view – you are not welcome to participate in the public marketplace – of ideas or commerce
    Does Toddy not understand how the invisible free hand works? See, with capitalism, Todd, a corporation does stuff people do not like, and people protest and not buy from them, and then they buckle under or fold. It is called the “Free Market” and how it actually is supposed to work.

    • Sgt. Gym Bunny

      It’s only “Free Market” capitalism when corporations discriminate against customers.

  • say wha

    What is the sound of one invisible hand slapping?

  • DerrickWildcat

    I went a smester and a half there.

  • JustPixelz

    “A vocal minority pitched a fit ….”

    I believe it’s called a filibuster.

    • Shibusa

      Chickfilabuster

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Todd Starnes frequents Chick-fil-a for their 64-oz lemonades (or so I’m told).

  • Spotts1701

    It is every student’s inalienable right to eat sub-par greasy chicken sandwiches from a corporation that openly tells gays they ain’t welcome! It’s in the Constitution!

  • thewitchqueen74

    Starnes needs to shut the fuck up about breasts in between hot buttered buns and drink his pee like a good mama’s boy.

  • sincarne

    Speaking on behalf of all Christians, Aaron Ohri would like you to stop speaking on his behalf.

  • JoeChristmas

    I’m sure chicken breast isn’t the only thing “tucked between the hot, buttered buns” of Todd Starnes.

  • cousin itt

    This story has got me so pissed that when I see chicks, I think dicks.

  • limberrat

    Is Todd Starnes fucking chicken sandwiches? I am merely asking.

    • GDleftyPart2

      Some people say he is…..

      • JustPixelz

        I saw that on the internet so it must be true.

      • lroom

        I’m sure saying it.

    • Jennifer R

      The plot to American Pie 7

    • TexasDumb

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • MrBlobfish

      Todd Starnes sucks buttermilk up his ass.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    So to be a Christian, these particular Christians say you must hate on gay people and not treat them as equals? And if you don’t let them hate on gays and say gays are not equal humans, then you are oppressing all the Christians?

    OK got it.

  • TheBidenator

    Dude, piss drinker forum chief Todd Starnes…it’s a fucking fast food joint, not Bunker Hill so who gives a shit? If anything this is good for people’s hearts and cholesterol counts not to mention lessens probable type II diabetes, stroke and death not to eat that shit. But of course the only thing the Urine lover cares about is bigots making bigot bucks…

  • Scooby

    Fil-A? Now that sounds gay!

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Yeah, a lot of Southern things sound gay.

      Many Southern accents for example.

      • Scooby

        Let’s bawl y’all

  • Callyson

    Meanwhile, I’ll be having quesadillas with homemade salsa, cheese and avocado. It’s great to be a liberal these days…

    • limberrat

      Well if I am supporting a christian restaurant, I’ll stick with In-N-Out!

    • SterWonk

      I take exception to that picture. Chick-Fil-A sandwiches and fries are yummy. Much too yummy.

      /me looks at his gut and sighs

      • Msmlg1979

        I love it, too. Damn you, Fucking delicious Chick-fil-A sauce!!

  • Callyson

    Also too:

    • During the Chick-fil-a brouhaha here in our small town the Christianists came out in numbers to support the company’s bigoted policies.

      My beloved and I were passing by and noticed a lone protester, a young woman standing outside with a hastily made sign saying “God loves all his children”. We pulled over and joined her only to be spat upon, flipped off, yelled at, threatened, etc. by most every Chick-fil-a customer as they left the parking lot.

      I just blew the men kisses as they passed in anger.

      Christian love? No thanks, I’ll pass.

      • Msmlg1979

        Oh no. I remember the line being around the building constantly, but didn’t know that happened to you here, dear. I’m so sorry. You’re brave and good.

      • Msmlg1979

        Also, next time, come get me. Just please have bail cash ready, because I WILL pee in a Super Soaker and drive-by them with it.

        • Gleem-McShinez

          because I WILL pee in a Super Soaker and drive-by them with it

          Todd Starnes would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

          • Msmlg1979

            I don’t usually shoot pee at people, but when I do, it’s at homophobic assholes who spit at my High Country comrade.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Well food banks don’t appreciate people who sit down and start eating lots of food the way Chick-Fil-A does.

      • Naytch

        Or a Veep wanna-be who washes clean pots.

  • mardam422

    You forgot the pickle, Todd. The pickle is between the buns too. Oh my God…oh my God ohmygodohmygod!!!

  • TheBidenator

    I’ll whip out this oldie, but goody joke:
    Why did Todd Starnes cross the road?
    Because his dick was stuck in a chicken….

  • Sgt. Gym Bunny

    “militant LGBT activists”

    I’m sorry, but if he thinks that sounds ominous…

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      He would shit actual bricks if a bunch of gay folks wearing camo and rainbow berets showed up exercising their open-carry rights.

    • limberrat

      Militant…you and your ilk keep using that word, I don’t think it means what you think it means.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        It doesn’t mean “you give me dirty, sexy, thoughts I try to repress”?

    • I think it’s something like this.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LZnOTz5OQU

      • MrBlobfish

        Why am I just finding out about this now?

  • TheBidenator

    “A vocal minority pitched a fit”
    But enough about the American right wing…let’s talk about bigoted chicken shills

  • Callyson

    This story could really use that guy who edited the McNuggets video (scroll down to Dan Grayson’s story for the hilarious deets!)

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “we’d prefer you were kicked in the nuts rather than slapped in the face”

    I though the standard was cramming our gayness down their throats?

  • therblig
  • FauxAntocles

    If you don’t like the way people react when you shoot your mouth off, keep it shut.

  • TheBidenator

    The moral: You see kids, when a corporation discriminates against an entire class of people, that’s just public marketplace and the free market at work but when a group of people discriminate against a corporation then that is TYRANNY!

    • Anarchy Pony

      Corporations, the only people that matter.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Do you hear the bigots sing?

      Singing the song of angry old men?

      It is the music of the people

      Who would like to own slaves again!

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        who would like to be slaves again. These fools don’t understand they will not be part of the ruling class

    • PubOption

      Teabaggers vowing never to buy another Government Motors truck, however, is a permissible political statement.

      • Spotts1701

        Same with lumping Apple in with ISIS.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          It is ok with me if they hate on Apple. Lumping them in with ISIS is dummyheaded (hey, wingnuts, in the great “government overreach” argument, you oughta be siding with Apple!!!) but no one ever accused these people of being consistent. Or smart.

  • DerrickWildcat

    NEBRASKA YEAH!

  • OneYieldRegular

    “I was reporting from the frontline trenches of that battle.”

    Just like Bill O’Reilly, another card-carrying member of the Walter Mitty Brigade.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    “… please do not ever again send me an email speaking for the ‘whole student body’ when you do not have a clue what most of us actually think,” he wrote in a letter to the university.”
    Kind of how I feel when any Republican speaks about any topic.

    • Anarchy Pony

      “We the people…”

    • Rick Hill

      Lone republicans speak for all who want to do some downtrodding. Majorities are tyrannys(Democratic one, that is)

    • Rotisserie Teal

      The elected representatives of the Student body can speak for the Student body
      And yet he will speak on behalf of a billion people as to what constitutes a “Christian lifestyle”.

      Politics aside, one half of one sandwich, one time, was more than enough for me in this lifetime.

  • MrBlobfish

    This surely will be the end of Chik fil a

    • Rick Hill

      One could only hope. Seriously, Mrs Hill and I ate there once, not going to make that mistake again.

      • PubOption

        I must agree with you. One tough, dried-up piece of chicken is more than enough.

        • Blank Ron

          But enough about Todd Starnes…

  • goonemeritus

    I think we have found the hill Todd Starnes is willing to die on.

  • MrBlobfish

    “I’d like to butter up his plump juicy man breasts” sez no one ever.

  • Ikimizi

    I want a “Chicken Bigot” T-shirt.

    • lroom

      I survived the Great Chicken Conflict of 2012 and all I got was this lousy Chicken Bigot t-shirt.

  • JustPixelz

    The conflict stems from the Great Chicken Conflict of 2012. I was reporting from the frontline trenches of that battle.

    Starnes is truly a chicken hawk. Among the battlefronts he did not report from is the Gulf War, the Iraq War, the War in Afghanistan.

  • Joe Beese

    O/T: The conservative blogosphere – who are mostly Cruz supporters, but recognize that his wad is shot – understanding that Super Marco is the only thing standing between them and Trumpocalypse, are losing their collective shit that even now, 16 points behind in his own goddamned state, the World’s Thirstiest Man is still not going to attack Donald tonight.

    Rubio has never attacked Trump. Indeed, even when a questioner at a debate invites Rubio to attack Trump — even when they turn to Rubio and ask him to comment on some ignorant, confused statement Trump has made — Rubio goes out of his way to find one obvious thing Trump says and then say “Where I agree with Donald is with the idea that the United States must be strong in its foreign policy.”

    Even when Rubio is begged to dispute Trump, he contrives some way to agree with him.

    And then his supporters all shriek that Rubio’s opponents aren’t attacking Trump sufficiently for their liking.

    Maybe it’s time for the soft-faced young-man to finally stand upon his own two feet and take on the Big Black Hat himself, instead of girlishly curstsying to him and then having his online girl-gang put out a whispering campaign that those Other Fellas were insufficiently tough on Trump.

    Is this Delicate Little Flower every going to do anything except preen its pretty petals?

    http://ace.mu.nu/archives/361755.php

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Delicate little flower, or hoping for a VP nod?
      When are these guys going to catch on to the idea that their “strong conservative family values” politicians are in it for their own profit and nothing else?

      • Sgt. Gym Bunny

        Duplicitious little shit is gonna get his spot in the next (???) administration, one way or another…

        • Shibusa

          Ambassador to Cuba?

          • KBBaldwin

            A truly excellent idea no matter who wins!

      • Rick Hill

        Turnip would probably say “Give me a call when they’ve dropped, Boy.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          you know, he probably would XD I do not like Der Trump, but the entire “speaks his mind” thing does, indeed, apply to everyone equally. so there is that

          • Cindyinencinitas

            Is the irony totally lost on these shrieking knuckle-draggers that they want their guy to out-bully the biggest bully out there? He wouldn’t dare.

    • Sterculius

      Vice President Rubio is the idea.

      • The Wanderer

        Florida Governor and Ecuadoran Bat Boy Lookalike (p)Rick Scott implied that he might be Trump’s running mate, or at least be one of the ones on the Short-Fingered One’s short list.

  • Lizzietish81

    That reminds me, I saw on facebook thanks to one of my right wing pals that Chick Fil Eh? was standing up for cops, because their employees were wearing Blue Lives Matter shirts in TX or something.

    • Sgt. Gym Bunny

      Seriously? Can’t they just stick to wearing sportsball jerseys?

    • Anarchy Pony

      We support the boys in blue that shoot people because they can! We, and also they, are heroes!

  • Indiepalin

    That kind of talk will get you thrown out of the YMCA.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “A futile manuever. Incorrect strategy, You underestimate us, if you believe this Todd Starnes is any concern.

    “Chick-Fil-A, primitive restaurant franchise. It will be obsolete in the new world order.

    “Why do you resist? We only wish to raise quality of life, for all species.”

    –Locutus of Nebraska-Kearney

  • Rick Hill

    First, they came for the homophobic bigots, and I said nothing.
    Then, they took away the racists. Again, nothing.
    After that the misogynists, creationists, anti science crowd and (nonfighting)warmongeres…ok, this time I joined in and helped them out.
    Now we live in a peaceful world, our air and water are clean, the new spaceport has been completed and all because I did nothing.

    • LarryHoudini

      Thanks, Rick!

      • Rick Hill

        The least I could do….

    • Little Lulu

      Really. Thank you.

    • OddMan

      Well that sounds good, just as long as you aren’t one of those strange “chicken-bigots”. I’m not sure about someone who doesn’t love fried chicken livers. Can’t stand Chick-fil-A, that ain’t chicken.

  • Belasaurius

    its not so much that Chick Fil A spoke out for traditional marriage, its that their fuhrer gives moneyz to groups that pushed the kill the gays bill in Uganda.

    • Rotisserie Teal

      Yes. That
      Can’t repeat that little tidbit enough.
      The lack of coverage of the rampant, murderous, anti gay rhetoric in Uganda is stupefying to me. The complicity of U.S. churches as well as their GOP lawmaker buddies in such blatant hate speech should be shouted from the rooftops.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Oh come on. It’s a fucking chicken sandwich. Not even a particularly good chicken sandwich. When I moved to southern WV in the late nineties, I had no idea what Chik-fil-A (chickfilluh? in my native parlance) was. Back in the olden days, people in WV and NC ate there for the same reason people in the Northwest ate at Arby’s, to wit: “Meh, I had McDonald’s yesterday.”

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I can’t eat em cause of the peanut oil anyway

    • Sgt. Gym Bunny

      In my eastern NC hometown, Chik. Fil. A. was the slightly snootier chicken alternative to the eternal grease pit known as Bojangles. If one had scruples, they went to Chik. Fil. A.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        The first one I ever saw was in the Mercer Mall outside Bluefield. It was a short walk from the far busier Sbarro. If one wanted a chicken sandwich, one went to Hardees at 3AM and ordered a chicken biscuit with cheese. At least that’s what I read somewhere.

      • Popeye’s Organization or GTFO.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I had to check them out after reading of people who traveled around the country to Chik Fil A openings like Deadheads. One fast food chicken sandwich is like all the rest.

  • Poly_Ester

    The real victims here will be the students with peanut allergies. Why risk anaphylaxis and death to attend UN-K?

  • MrBlobfish

    This is exactly how Nazi Russia started.

    Yes, I did go to UNK. Why you ask?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Sooo…you were the blobfish from U.N.K.L

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Say… you know who else didn’t want chicken sandwiches?

    • MrBlobfish

      Lil’ Mary next door?

    • BadKitty904

      Mama Cass?

      • BigBoppa

        Upvoted but still had a little tear.

      • MarkM

        Wasn’t it (apocryphally) a ham sandwich

    • Cracker’s date in PINK FLAMIGOS?

      • jqheywood

        More eggs, Babs….

    • BadKitty904

      Wimpy?

    • TheBidenator

      Chickens when a Republican suggests it to two of them?

    • Lizzietish81

      the gnome king

    • BigBoppa

      Henny Penny?

    • BadKitty904

      “Not me,” said the Little Red Hen.

    • chicken thief

      All those ‘gluten free only!’ tree huggers?

    • KBBaldwin

      One of my favorite movie quotes: “But I don’t want to be a chicken pot pie.”

  • Belasaurius

    if you troll on over to Starnes’ FaceSpace page, the Christians have worked themselves into a near coronary. Let’s hope

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      No thanks. While tis fun to troll the trolls once in a while, It gets too depressing when you realize they are being serious and that there are Americans living who are that ill educated, that hate filled, and that terrified.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      “As a Christian, I think it is wrong to publicly discriminate against Christian businesses just because they publicly announce their discriminatory beliefs.”

  • BadKitty904

    I’d reckon someone might’ve already posted this, but just in case:

    Former KKK leader David Duke: Voting against Donald Trump is ‘treason to your heritage’
    http://www.businessinsider.com/david-duke-donald-trump-treason-heritage-2016-2

    Now they’re *really* coming outta the woodwork…

    • Msmlg1979

      Ahhhh…the coveted KKK endorsement.

    • limberrat

      Thank you David Duke. I was waiting to know how my whiteness should vote!

    • BadKitty904

      I mean, how much “heritage” can Short-Fingered Vulgarians have, anyways?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Serious question, for a moment, if I may:
    What are these grifters gonna do when their right wing bigot supporters are all out of cash?

    • Relativicus

      Unrealistic hypotheticals are unrealistic.

  • TheBidenator

    Say, is it just me or have the trolls been quiet lately? I’ve been looking for them and haven’t seen any, even with that post yesterday about guns that usually draws NRA turds like a video of a man having buttsechs with a gun…so what gives?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Dok is getting to them too fast. We need to put some more stuff in his coffee, slow him down a bit.

    • BadKitty904

      They’ve been busy beating up protestors at tRump rallies.

    • Lizzietish81

      There was one today in the abortion thread. He didn’t have stamina

      • Sgt. Gym Bunny

        They don’t make ’em like they used to…

      • TheBidenator

        I missed a far right gay hating Christian Confederate apologist, didn’t I?

        • Lizzietish81

          Yep! Even though it was an article about abortion, he turned it into a rant against hot man on man action

    • Msmlg1979

      There was a quickie with one earlier on the Alabama Fetus Worshipper article. He ran the gamut..loves the fetus, unless it’s queer or blah

    • MarkM

      They should let us toy with them a little bit before dispatching them. Nothing like a little bit of well-deserved humiliation to send a troll scuttling back under his bridge to nurse his wounds.

    • Relativicus

      They’re over at The Hill having a Trumpathon in the comments of an article regarding statements by former Mexican pres Fox saying he will not pay for the wall.

      You do not want to go to there.

    • Jonny On Maui

      I think Callyson dispatched the last thrumper like a lioness feeding her cubs…

  • Notreelyhelping

    To be fair, we probably would have supported more juicy breasts and hot buttered buns while in college. That and free weed.

  • URQ196

    Can’t stand Tawd Starnes.

    • BadKitty904

      I s’pose his drag name would be Tawdry Staines.

  • calliecallie

    Eat more bacon.

  • Relativicus

    Even without the cup full of piss this dude creeps me out. It’s like every sling and arrow ever slung at him in high school, and college, and in the workplace, and at home, at the mall, while getting gas… what was I saying? Oh, right. Seems that every derogatory comment, wedgie, or swirly ever administered to him is written in grease on his pasty fat face. And that bothers me.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Back when the Hollywood Blacklist was destroying people’s careers and lives, William Fuckhead Buckley Jr. blandly maintained that it was not a blacklist, but a “boycott.”

    Fast-forward, and Buckley’s ideological heirs shriek like stuck pigs (chickens?) when a fast-food company run by bigots is uninvited from a college campus.

    Hypocrisy, thy name is conservatives.

    • Maybe Chick-fil-A can set up a kiosh inside the local Hobby Lobby.

      • James Guillory

        Oh Baby! Grease up that raw wooden (made in china) cross with chicken fat and put it between them hot buttered buns!

  • Invidosa

    Cause if you don’t like what I like then you’re discriminating against me, duh! You are cruelly forcing me to not throw rocks at the gay, which my Jesus really really really wants me to do (he’s an asshole like that) and that’s illegal cause you can’t limit my religious freedom you socialist commie bastards! You’re persecuting me cause I like Jesus and chicken, just like Jesus was persecuted! (Which actually makes this fucking super awesome cool!)

    Just you wait, if you this keeps up they will be forcing us all to do buttsex with horses and worship Satan or a tree or something.

  • TheBidenator

    Alright I can’t find trolls so time to make some: tell me, Bernie people, what has Bernie Sanders ever accomplished to make me want to vote for him? Aside from being perma-elected in Vermont what as a U.S. Senator has he actually accomplished? Please explain this to me because honestly I don’t get how you all love Bernie so much and despise Hillary Clinton with so much bile.

    • Msmlg1979

      COME AT HIM, BROS!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Well, not all of us despise Hillary with even a little bile
      But as for what Bernie has done: Ask not what Your Bernie has done, but what your Bernie will do for you.
      Mostly, he has (mostly I said) kept up the good fight for…forever. He’s not going to back down, he’s going to find a way, and because he has been perma-elected, he probably has connections on his connections to get shit done. In the short run, that is what I am thinking anyway.
      Want me to go a’listin individual votes and bills and suchwhats (yes, including his pro-gun stuff because “both sides do it” and honesty truly is the best policy)?
      Though, to be fair, if the Hillz wins the election, I am not going to have any sads neither.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Since you asked so nicely…

      The issue near and dear to my heart, the rescheduling of cannabis. Ms. Clinton has said she’d take it to schedule 2 and wants to do more research.

      Why? Repeat the results the rest of the world discovered while the USoA would only fund research that ‘proved’ the ‘Reefer Madness’ line? Who profits from this policy?

      I don’t need Mom telling what I can put into my body. That’s just one of the reasons I feel the Bernz.

      Bottom line, mom will get my vote…

    • Haribo Lector

      You do you, and I’ll do me.

    • Smokahontas

      *clears throat, pushes hipster spectacles up a smidge, adjusts Che Guevara tshirt with image of Che Guevara wearing a Che Guevara tshirt *
      Because I’m a freakin commie, and Uncle Bern has historically stood for more leftyness than Hildog, but I believe his greatest contribution to this election cycle is simply to push Hilz a touch lefter than she would have been otherwise. No one is infallible in politics, so I’ll withhold the laundry list of both candidates weaknesses and proclaim my intent to get behind whoever wins the primary and gleefully watch them destroy whichever douche the fascists decide on as soon as we get past the conventions.
      Now, won’t you please join me in a round of Kumbaya?!

    • HazooToo

      I don’t hate Hillary, but my Dad does. He says her presidency would be “an unmitigated disaster”, but I think I could get him to either vote for her, or abstain entirely, if it was her or Trump. I am pro-Bernie because of the things he seems to value, because he is refusing to sling mud at his Democratic opponent, because as far as I know, he’s not funded by massive PACs, and because of the things he wants to do for the country. I’ll vote for either one of them, though.

  • Bemused

    Seems to me that Chick-fil-a needs to go to it’s room to think about what it has done. When you are too conservative for UNK, you have gone far far beyond the mainstream and your future earnings potential may be at stake. Also, if you are living in Nebraska and complaining that Christianity is being persecuted you have some serious, serious delusions.

  • smr06va

    Todd Pee Starnes lives with his mother. He borrows her dresses and bras and stretches them all out. Even she hates him………

    • Toomush_Infer

      I read that on the internet…

      • smr06va

        I read it in his mother’s monthly church bulletin…………

    • Msmlg1979

      Also, too, he buys the used oil from his local Chick-fil-A , and uses it to pleasure himself while he cries, and wishes his dreams of becoming an interpretive ice dancer had come true….

      • smr06va

        The pressure on those dance tights was just too, too much back in the winter of ’85………..no one that saw them give has ever forgotten it………..

    • I heard he leaves skid marks in mama’s dresses that, due to his unique diet, cannot be removed in the laundry.

      • smr06va

        Chick-fil-A & urine induced skid marks are truly heinous….

  • I heard Chick-fil-A stopped selling their coleslaw due to orders from their homo-Muslim overlords.

    I swear I heard that somewhere . . .

  • Toomush_Infer

    Ah, the free market…..

  • JohnR

    I actually had a breakfast sandwich and some potato things at a Chick-fil-A once and it wasn’t bad. It was the only place around that was open. Only time Iv’e eaten there.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      In their defense, it is pretty hard to mess up a breakfast Sammy or potatoes.

      • JohnR

        It was better that McD’s is all, more $ too.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Fuck Christianist shit like Todd Barnes. With someone else’s dick. Well, actually, with an unlubed, rusty chain saw. And votes. Plenty of votes.

  • Mavenmaven

    Those Christianists always trying to cram their chicken down the taxpayers’ throats.

  • John Strycharz

    What a four-eyed, 4F, fag-hating freak of nature is Wee Todd! Did I miss anything?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      He smells bad and his mamma wears combat boots

      • Jonny On Maui

        “Your mamma wears combat boots!”

        “Yeah, and she’s airborne qualified too!”

        My spawn got to say that…

      • Haribo Lector

        Plus I believe that there is strong evidence of him being a doody-head with a big dumb jerk face; so my sources tell me.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      “Pee-guzzling”.

  • Cindyinencinitas

    Star trek is about enlightenment and tolerance. Maybe someone can shoot a picture of the stupid dick out into the Gamma Quadrant for shits and giggles on some future star date.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Let the Founders have their way with him.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I think I know that Klingon.

  • The Wanderer

    I’ll just leave this here:

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Keep your umbrella up, Bun Bun, in case Todd spills his drink!

  • Marla

    “Who doesn’t love a plump juicy chicken breast tucked between hot, buttered buns?”

    Exactly. Who doesn’t love animals who are caged, fed high amounts of carcinogenic hormones to fatten them up until their legs break and then wholesale slaughter them for corporate America only to increase the obesity/diabetic rate especially among children?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      You make it sound so tempting

    • DT

      This is why everyone else hates health food nuts.

  • terryk

    I have a semi-interest in this since I’m an actual graduate of UNK (when it was known under the less sexy name of Kearney State College), and I find Starnes’ derp on this hilarious yet sad. A few more things of note:

    — Nobody “banned” Chick-fil-a. It was just a student survey asking what chain restaurants they’d like to see in the student union. The other, mostly sad choices were Panda Express, IHOP, A&W and Sbarro.

    — They redid the survey substituting the more bro-tastic chicken chain Raising Cane’s for Chick-fil-a, and got about the same number of results.

    — Chick-fil-a hasn’t even made it that far west — the closest restaurant just opened in Lincoln, 150 miles away — so it’s unclear if they’re even interested in opening a restaurant there. Raising Cane’s, on the other hand, has a rapidly growing presence in Nebraska and would be a more likely candidate to open a UNK outlet.

    On the bright side, folks at UNK are mad at Starnes and other wingnuts like Ben Shapiro who got the story wrong and riling up even more unpleasant wingnuts to sent hate mail and homophobia their way: http://www.kearneyhub.com/news/local/false-reporting-drives-ugly-chick-fil-a-exchange-at-unk/article_620d48d1-f864-5d16-9aad-7e585c22f976.html

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Wingnuts getting a story wrong in order to forward their claims that they are being persecuted?
      YOU DONT SAY

    • swirl

      As a regular customer of the original Raising Cane’s when I was at LSU, I can say it’s definitely better than CFA.

    • pacem appellant

      It’s definitely made it farther west than Lincoln. There is a CFA in Sunnyvale, CA, among other western locales.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        CFA and Brian Boitano? No wonder they have a vampire problem.

      • terryk

        CFA only made it to Nebraska a couple years ago, and they’re focusing on the big cities (Omaha and Lincoln) first. They’re not going to leap to the hinterlands anytime in the near future. They’re slower about their market saturation. OTOH, they do like campus outlets, so that may be an enticement.

      • DT

        Being in California isn’t the same as “moving West”.

    • DT

      I will cut you if you get in my way at Panda, tyvm. Orange Chicken for the win!

      • terryk

        I’d tolerate Panda Express (which is why I wrote “mostly sad” instead of “utterly sad”). And they’re already building a standalone Panda Express in Kearney as we speak. But IHOP and Sbarro? Even college students have better taste.

        The real question is why Runza wasn’t one of the choices. It is Nebraska, after all…

        • DT

          I prefer Denny’s or Bob Evans (or Big Boy’s!), but I don’t live in the midwest.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Rapidly growing presence? There are only about 2 million people in Nebraska.

  • swirl

    What happened to Todd’s love of the free market?

  • DerrickWildcat

    Nebraska is great!
    Say it.
    Say it!

    • guppy06

      Nebraska–At Least it Ain’t Kansas

      • Zhu Bajie

        It separates Iowa from Colorado.

  • The Wanderer

    I tried one of the Chik-Fil-A chicken sandwiches (“grilled,” not deep-fried). Actually pretty tasty.

    • HazooToo

      The fried ones are amazing. It’s really been a heartbreaking loss for me. I tried to go back once, after years of abstaining from the gay-hating chicken empire, but I wound up sitting five feet from some dickshits who were going on about how Bill Cosby was innocent, and it ruined my lunch entirely.

    • blaid droog

      My partner used to love their chicken. I pointed out that he was a gay traitor so now he just laments his loss.

      • Jamoche

        McDonald’s had a pretty good clone of it for a while.

  • beavertank

    Since he’s so gung-ho on respecting different beliefs, I wonder how he’d feel about the opening of a a shawarma chain whose president was publicly and loudly in favor of adopting sharia law in the US. I’m sure he’d jump to their defense, right? After all, objecting to that would be objecting to religious freedom.

  • Iam Reading

    He isn’t gay. He isn’t straight. He is involuntarily asexual, because, eeww, gross, no one wants that.

    • smr06va

      Apparently, some people are willing to urinate on it……….

      • 2Girls1Cubs

        RUMINATE!!! smr meant RUMINATE!!

        ~Starnes’ much-maligned PR hack

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Who doesn’t love a plump juicy chicken breast tucked between hot, buttered buns?

    Is there a Dr. Freud in the house?

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Keep that perv away from the chickens!

      • chicken thief

        I’ll guard the chickens. Address please…

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          I’m not that easy to fool, you handsome rascal!

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Starnes is such an effing fathead, literally and figuratively. He needs to meet my friend, The Head Crusher:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t4pmlHRokg

  • MrBlobfish
    • Left Coast Tom

      “How Todd Starnes is Compromising Fox News’s [sic] Credibility [sic]”? You can’t compromise something that doesn’t exist.

  • MAZS

    I’m kinda surprised that Truman Capote was reincarnated as Todd Starnes

    • blaid droog

      Need I say this? Truman Capote libelz.

  • JackLinks

    My Gay-Dar just hit the highest point ever with that photo of Toodle’s slurping down a glass of warm urine!

  • Jason M

    I bet if they’d planned on opening a Salad Story he’d have helped make the picket signs. Zing!

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Aren’t we always being told that Americans are too fat? UN-Kearney students don’t need another place to consume too much fried food. Chick-fil-A’s Spicy Chicken Deluxe Sandwich has 570 calories – about the same as 4 Budweisers or 2 slices of apple pie.

    • KBBaldwin

      “4 Budweisers”. How many is that in real beers?

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Not sure, I never drink it myself. When I was in college we got pitchers of whatever was cheap, and we weren’t picky cause we had no money.

  • MausFeet

    Chicken-bigot is going to be my new band name.

  • m3bosha

    I mostly resist the temptation of Biggoty Chicken, but perhaps the only time it sounds good is on Sundays and of course, they aren’t open. Problem solved.

  • guppy06

    I was reporting from the frontline trenches of that battle.

    Actual front trenches, or Bill O’Reilly front trenches?

    • Grizz1y

      Maybe Brian Williams front trenches.

      • DT

        So, closer than O’Reilly trenches?

  • Daru Titor

    “Scribbling madly, courageous holy war
    journalist Todd Starnes recorded it all, stopping only to take sips of
    his own urine from the thermos that was his constant companion.”

    Bet it was monogrammed.

  • Delu

    Here we go, another example of a rightwinger not understanding that 1st amendment rights are for all…..and that they have consequences.

    The reason why gay-hating chik is being banned and boycotted is BECAUSE of others expressing THEIR freedom of speech. And the reason why they did is because gay-hating-chik expressed IT’S freedom of speech by hatin gays!

    Apparently boycotts are not a thing when gays are boycotted.

    Todd. No one needs to conform to your gay-hating Empire.

  • DT

    What I find most amazing is he frames it as “we just love their chicken!” and then QUOTES A MORON WHO ALL BUT EXPLICITLY SAYS HE EATS THERE BECAUSE THEY’RE CHRISTIAN.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Like a walrus in a drainpipe, so are the days of our lives . . .

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Pull my finger. Go ahead. Pullet.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Unless you ascribe to their point of view – you are not welcome to participate in the public marketplace – of ideas or commerce”

    He says that like it’s a bad thing!

  • 2Girls1Cubs

    as a self-proclaimed gay, and one who knows about Franchising™ a tiny bit, i would like to just say #NotAllChickFilAs, and also #wafflefries.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Chik-Fil-A-A-Ron sadz.

  • handyhippie65

    this guy is still giving todds everywhere a bad name. he makes me ashamed to be one.

    • eddi

      Preach it brother!

      • handyhippie65

        you know, my middle name is edward. small world, eh?

  • Incoming Ham

    “Systematically being silenced.” Because people don’t want your chicken restaurant on their campus…

    OMG!!! What is this Nazi Germany ‽

    You can say whatever you want Todd Starnes, that doesn’t mean anyone has to be “systematically” made to listen. Ijit.

  • alnnc

    It’s less than 140 miles to the nearest Chick Fil A in Lincoln Nebraska. That’s a lot closer than the 300+ miles from New Orleans to the nearest abortion clinic in Shreveport Louisiana. A federal appeals court ruled that was not an undue burden on women, so Mr. Ohri and Mr. Starnes can stfu.

    • Maybe if they put the fetus on a bun slathered with unrefrigerated mayonnaise?

      • Doug White

        …legs still kicking?

  • DahBoner

    I like how’s CFA sued the people who DARED use the slogan “Eat Mor Kale” and now CFA serves a side of “superfood”, i.e., Kale.
    http://i1.wp.com/quietmike.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Christian-Hypocrisy-in-America.jpg?resize=300%2C300

  • MoodyMoody

    Sorry if someone already mentioned this, but an easy way around it would be to require all facilities on campus to serve food on Sundays.

  • DelDryden

    Ascribe and subscribe do not mean the same thing and Todd Starnes should learn how to word better.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Let’s dispel with this fiction that Republicans should learn how to word better. They know exactly how not to word better.

  • pending

    All I can think about is the friend I had who campaigned to get Coca-Cola kicked off-campus for 4 whole years and never got anywhere. Progress? Progress!

  • Who doesn’t love a plump juicy chicken breast tucked between hot, buttered buns?

    Ick! I’d hate to this idiot’s write-up of a Wienerschnitzel

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “Who doesn’t love a stiffly-encased meat cylinder slathered with a mustard/santorum sauce inserted between a long, tightly-clenched pair of buns?” Something like that, right?

  • Kastle

    Interesting how he’s against the vocal minority if they don’t agree with him, but believes the Christian Minority is being suppressed.

  • Zhu Bajie

    Can’t they find someone to fry chicken who is not a slave to some chain?

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Starnes has always reminded me of that kid in high school that everybody beat up…….

    • Me not sure

      …I know I would (with votes).

  • VirginiaLady

    Most people are over CFA anyway. It’s not a thing anymore praise de lourde. What’s hot and delicious right now is a chain called The Skrimp Shack. No that isn’t a misspelling or Wonk speak and no I am in no way affiliated with said chain. Restaurants that offer more than one choice of dead creature meat are preferable especially at as diverse a place as a college. Deal with it you xtian twit!

    • Me not sure

      True fact : The main ingredient in CFA’s “white gravy” is non-dairy coffee creamer. Enjoy!

  • Me not sure

    CHIC-FIL-A overcharges for their food to amortize the cost of closing on Sunday. Overhead never sleeps.

  • Helena Handbag

    Mmmmm deep fried bigot nuggets. Can you put Nutella on them? I used to occasionally cave to my kids demands for the xtian-chicken–yes, I’m GUILTY! –and that crime against poultry, the McNugget and whatever substance they are selling at Taco Bell, who even knows?– but mostly avoid giving my money to organizations that will use it indirectly to oppress others or force a religious agenda through support of legislation designed to do so. It’s important to identify these businesses and give consumers the choice to “vote with their dollars” if that is what they choose to do.

  • Brewerofbeers

    So, not only are they confused as to how student body governments work – here is a hint, they are elected by the student body – but they think Chik Fil A has an inherent right to sell its product on campus? When do I get my inherent right to open a brewery there that gives money to people protesting churches?

  • YourNameHere

    I’m a gay. When I was in college, there was a nice person named Chris (real name! Fuck you Chris!) who managed to bring up why being gay was horrible and jesus hates us every single class I had with this dude.

    No one ever stopped him despite the fact that we were at a college in a gay neighborhood. So three times a week I got to sit through a tirade of why I was gross and evil until I finally snapped and told him off. Everyone else was nodding along with me.

    We also had someone paint homophobic slurs on the walls and a variety of other happenings again despite being in a gay neighborhood.

    It’s tiring and it wears you down when you go to a place you expect to be safe and find out the same assholes are still there. I applaud them not welcoming this business to their campus.

    • Bear with me because I’m about to get full all finger-waving, neck-rolling, “oh Hell, no!” up in here.

      Did this happen in class? Did the teacher not say anything while this was happening? (wouldn’t such behavior be considered “disruptive”?)

      Did this “gay community” give you any kind of support at all? Isn’t combating such actions and standing with our borthers and sisters the big purpose of forming a “gay community” in the first place (besides a convenient place to rent “Locker Room Butt Sluts 5”)?

      I feel for you dude, and I’m appalled that it sounds like there was no one there to help you deal with this (even though there really should have been.)

      • YourNameHere

        Yes, it happened in class. Every class. The professor never said a word. He seemed to feel since these were political theory classes it was okay for this to happen.

        No, no one did anything about this guy or the professor in any way. I also was dormed with a homophobic person who yelled gay slurs at me. No one ever did anything about that either. I know our other roommates also complained about her but they ended up just moving out. I didn’t have that option.

        The slurs written on the walls did bring in the FBI.

        • If you don’t mind my asking, when did you attend college? I know by the late 90s/early 2000s (when I was earning my “useless” degre instead of majoring in Asshole-physics wbere the “real money” is) there were many Gay & Lesbian centers who would have been all UP in somebody’s grill if stuff like this was happening on campus. Again, I’m very sorry this happened to you, and that you didn’t get the support that you needed (and frankly deserved) to deal with those fuckers. So what I’ll do for you is give you virtual support now (it’s close to real support, but it still has those awkward angular polygonal jugs from a ’97 Tomb Raider game.)

          Stay cool, bro.

  • kareemachan

    Any so-called journalist who uses “spokes-dude” and thinks he’s being hip and all…..

    isn’t.

  • kaw143

    Wait, wait, wait. How is “Not spending one’s money at bigot companies” NOT the free market at work?

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