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Wheaton College's Lord And Savior, we guess.
Wheaton College’s Lord And Savior, we guess.

Time for an Official Wonkette update on a story we brought you weeks back, about a political science professor from Illinois’s Wheaton College, Larycia Hawkins, and her nasty proclivity for acting like Muslims are not only human beings, but also people who worship the same god as Christians. (Don’t know where she got that, except for maybe THE HISTORY OF THE TWO RELIGIONS.)

The school initiated firing proceedings against the tenured professor, specifically for the crime of saying on Facebook that she was going to wear a hijab during the Christmas season, “in religious solidarity” with Muslims. This did not go over well with Wheaton, because it is an wingnut evangelical clown college full of wingnut evangelical clowns. But good news! They won’t have to do any stinky firing, because an agreement has been reached, whereby Hawkins will go away all by herself:

Wheaton Provost Stanton Jones told professors in an email Saturday night that he had turned over the decision of whether to vacate the administrative leave of their colleague, Larycia Hawkins, to college President Philip Ryken. But two hours later, faculty received another email from Ryken, informing them that Hawkins would not return to teach.

“The administration and Dr. Hawkins have come to a place of resolution and reconciliation,” Ryken wrote. “With a mutual desire for God’s blessing, we have decided to part ways.”

Oh that sounds like some Jesus-grade bullshit. They are just resolving and reconciling and asking for God’s blessing, over how the school blew a gasket when somebody acted Christlike toward the gross Muslims. Provost Jones, for his part, says he’s super sorry:

In his email to colleagues Saturday night, Jones said he stood by his concerns about Hawkins’ theological statements but added that he apologized for appearing to question the sincerity of her Christian faith and acknowledged that he had failed to see her theological response “was a promising start toward answering satisfactorily some of the questions that I was raising at the time.”

According to the college, the biggest part of Hawkins’s Muslim-loving sin was that she didn’t SPECIFICALLY explain that, though Muslims may be fellow people of the Book, they are dirty hellbound heathens who are nowhere near as good as Christians. And in point of fact, Hawkins was trying to explain her theological point of view, just when the firing process started.

To the school’s credit, a faculty council actually tried to put the brakes on the whole thing, and now some of Hawkins’s colleagues are very uncomfortable with how this all went down:

Shortly after Faculty Council called for Hawkins’ reinstatement, Gary Burge, a professor of New Testament, said he looked forward to what he called “a restoration and reconciliation service” at Edman Chapel to celebrate Hawkins’ return and repent for the way she had been mistreated. The service Tuesday only fulfills half of that aspiration.

“This decision by the provost is a tribute to his integrity and courage,” Burge said. “But many of us are wondering why the president’s reconciliation with Dr. Hawkins did not include her remaining on our faculty.”

Because she was nice to Muslims, and that is incompatible with why Jesus Christ died on the cross for white evangelical Christians’ sins. DUH!

Is this all a bit confusing? Why yes, it is! It sounds like there were some backroom dealings the rest of the faculty, and we, the gentle viewing public, were not supposed to be privy to. Regardless, with Hawkins officially gone from Wheaton, we repeat our earlier clarion call to real, non-sucky colleges that a really great teacher is officially on the market. HIRE HER.

[Chicago Tribune]

 

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  • Bureaucrap

    Christian Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Or anything at all, for that matter.

  • goonemeritus

    If God communicated by mail I believe he would send evangelical Christianity a similar letter.

  • Lizzietish81

    Religion of peace.

    • Frank Underboob

      Compared to Murrican ‘Christianity’, yes.

      • Pickwicknext

        So are the Crusades. And the Spanish Inquistion

        • Frank Underboob

          Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting that!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      There’s a piece of you over here, there’s a piece of you over there…

  • Lefty Frizzell

    How could a political science professor at a theological college not see this coming?

    • Pickwicknext

      Magic 8 Ball was in the shop?

    • JustPixelz

      God was busy calling on Mike Huckabee to run for President. Then busy telling Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Scott Walker, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Chris Christie and Carly Fiorina the same thing. God’s kind of a dick like that.

  • Thaumaturgist

    You sleep with the devil. . . . .

    • Pickwicknext

      And dear dog it was fun!

  • Werewolf

    WHEATOOOOOOOOOOOON!

  • MrBlobfish

    I thought fer sure someone would blame the Jews.

    • toomanyrappers

      It was the Bernie Bros

    • arglebargle

      Her New York values were showing.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Blame the Jews? I thought Obama was a Mooslim.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Wait. I get it. This one’s on Bernie.

        • eddi

          They are getting an early start on the next President.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Meh. When you take a job at Asshole College, having them act like assholes toward you is an occupational hazard.

    The Trib’s earlier coverage featured a lot of handwringing by WC faculty over how this might affect their “academic freedom,” even though they came there in the first place because it was a place where they could proclaim their Christian faith in the classroom openly because etc. etc. News flash: You can’t have it both ways.

  • Callyson
    • natoslug

      Fuck it, I quit woman is my hero. Words to live by, even if the Alaska connections makes me wonder if she was inspired in part by famous Alaskan folk hero Sarah “What do words even mean?” Palin.

  • chicken thief

    Is our kids learning?

    • MrBlobfish

      Only if you put food on them.

      • Mike Maricle

        Well, I made the pie higher.

    • JustPixelz

      Yeah. They learned a lesson all right.

    • Robyn Ryan

      What are they learning? Not to be citizens, that’s for sure…

  • This reinforces my belief that the only source of Christian persecution in America are fellow Christians.

    • Randy Riddle

      She’s a witch! Buurrrrnnn her…..

      • Playonwords

        Do not say that to Nanny Ogg. Most particularly do not say it to Granny Weatherwax and Tiffany Aching being young might be impulsive – especially if the Pictsies were about.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Chris Fisher. Christ was a fisher of men. . .

      • Creepoman

        I prefer to regard him as a fister of men.

        • kindness

          Jesus was Astroglide’s first public spokesperson after all. Telling his disciples they need to leave their wives and jobs and follow him around like a common carnie.

          • arglebargle

            For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

            Matthew 10:35-37

            A real family values religion.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Protestants persecuting Roman Catholics is just fine. It’s the way God intended things to be. Because Roman Catholics are not Christians.

  • Jonny On Maui

    It’s a religious school. It’s crazy. Who’s surprised?

  • lucidamente

    In related news, the college cafeteria will be serving all meals with bacon.

    • chicken thief

      Fresh fried on the barrel of an AR-15.

      • natoslug

        How do you get the batter to stick to the bacon?

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Santorum.

    • Playonwords

      But will it be prepared in a way suitable for vegans?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Cook the meat right out of the bacon.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Wasn’t Jesus and Mohammed brothers?

    • arglebargle

      Brothers in arms, so to speak.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Safe in the arms of Mohammad.

    • Robyn Ryan

      You’re thinking Isaac and Ishmael. Isaac was almost a human sacrifice and Ishmael and his mother were abandoned in the wilderness.

      Daddy Abraham was an abusive father…

    • arglebargle

      A Hitchens quote that covers both religions quite nicely…

      Truth does not come from desert revelations made to schizophrenics and epileptics.

      EDIT: this was meant as a reply to Robyn Ryan.

      • Pickwicknext

        I know Hitchens is A asshole, but he is sometimes, quite funny

        • arglebargle

          Hitchens was a master at putting religions and the religious in their proper place. He most definitely had an eye for the ladies, and was brutish at times in his comments to them, but he also said something to the effect that “all that is needed to increase the well being of any society was to give women a handful of seeds and the ability to control their reproductive cycle.” I have a slew of debates bookmarked and revisit them often.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    So, what? One million? Two million? How well endowed is the this particular Jesus school?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Kind of a personal question, don’t you think?

      • arglebargle

        One would assume the severance package was adequate.

      • Oblios_Cap

        I’ll bet Wheaton has a serious case of shrinkage.

      • kindness

        Since Jesus was God (as some claim) would it be possible for Jesus to make himself sooo hung that even Jesus couldn’t lift it?

    • chazmanr

      My last boss is the Chief Information Officer at Wheaton. She was a low-level director at the Tier 1 research university that I work for. That should tell you all you need to know. Oh, and her husband was an IT director for a k-8 and was recently arrested for possession of over 6000 pornographic images of children. Good Christians.

  • Shibusa

    Anybody remember “the Wheaton couple” in the 1980s? Weird story.

  • chicken thief

    I was a military recruiter in Wheaton in the mid-’70’s. The college was fucked up even back then with enough influence to keep the city ‘dry’. Near by Glen Ellyn, however, had the best looking ladiez per capita of any city I ever lived in so it balanced out somewhat.

    • chazmanr

      Wheaton is an evangelical shit hole.

  • Boo Hoo

    Shut up, Wesley.

    Oh, wrong Wheaton. Nevermind.

  • arglebargle

    I’m sure the President and Provost prayed over their decision, so it’s all cool.

    • jmk

      Thoughts and prayers made it all better. As they do.

  • snigsy

    Jeez.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Isn’t it wonderful how Xians can always find it in their hearts to forgive themselves when they are caught crapping in the punchbowl? Fuck off and stay that way.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Wheaton! Breakfast of Chumpions.

    • PubOption

      Dr. Hawkins won’t see her image on the box.

  • eric

    Fuck Wheaton college.

    • Playonwords

      All of them???

      That’s a heroic and self destructive ambition, can I see the video?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    If God wanted us to be nice to Muslims, he would have made the Christians.

    • kindness

      You should forward that one to Betty Bowers. It’s purrrfect for her.

  • Shibusa

    Now we know where Ted Cruz’s campaign bus is heading next.

    • Pickwicknext

      Please say off a cliff!!!

      • Gayer Than Thou

        A cliff of votes!

        • Pickwicknext

          Of course.

    • chazmanr

      Wheaton College is in Wheaton, IL. It is a town that is to be avoided at all costs. I watched a judge give supervision to a guy who blew a .18 while driving with a loaded .45 on the passenger seat. His second DUI offense. At the time, carry permits were only available to security guards, law enforcement and special applications. He didn’t have one.

      Moments later, a young woman who had been caught with a hypodermic needle with heroin residue in the needle (not under influence) in the truck of her car was sentenced to 18 months in PRISON (not county jail).

      Message: In evangelical Wheaton, you can be a violent drunk, but heaven forbid you might have used heroin at some point.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Let me guess. DUI guy is white, woman with the needle is blah.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I instantly thought that a “$ettlement” had been reached when I read about that last week.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      You and I were typing pretty much the same thing at the same time.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Why do I think she got a *very* nice severance package?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Great minds, etc.

    • JustPixelz

      Three years of health insurance: $30,000
      One year salary: $50,000
      Paid relocation: $10,000
      Never has to talk to those people again: priceless.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        AND a glowing letter of reference! Can’t forget that.

  • chicken thief

    The article is missing some crucial details – like what terlit did she use and if any gayness was crammed down the throats of the Wheaton undergrads.

  • Robyn Ryan

    Monotheism sucks.

    • natoslug

      I’m not too keen on theism in general, no matter how many gods you add to the batter.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Oh I dunno, I think a robust polytheism allows for a more complex mythology – one that isn’t always so reliant on dumb old humans! I get sick of us sometimes.

        • eddi

          Try Buddism. Some versions leave out god(s) entirely. And even the ones will gods and demons insist the lot of them adhere to Budda’s teachings.

          • arglebargle

            Buddism is more a philosophy than a religion as I understand it. Although it can be hijacked or taken to extremes. I’ll shut up now before revealing the depths of my ignorance.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Goddamn you, now I have to sacrifice a ram to Rebecca.

      • Michael Smith

        After Brutus, Cassius and friends assassinated Caesar, they fought a civil war with Antony and Octavian, Caesar’s heirs apparent. Brutus had a vision during the war that a god or a demon approached him with some ambiguous but frightening words.

        According to Plutarch’s parallel lives, Brutus went to Cassius and told him about this vision. Cassius first said that Brutus was tired from war and his mind is probably playing tricks on him. But further, Cassius, who was very skeptical of religion, explained:

        “But that there should be any such thing as supernatural beings, or, if there were, that they should have human shape or voice or power that can reach to us, there is no reason for believing; though I confess I could wish that there were such beings, that we might not rely upon our arms only, and our horses and our navy, all which are so numerous and powerful, but might be confident of the assistance of gods also, in this our most sacred and honourable attempt.”

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          There were plenty of atheists and agnostics in ancient Rome (Lucretius) and Greece (Epicurus), who figured out that if gods existed at all, they certainly didn’t bother messing with human affairs.
          Religious nitwits objected then, as they do now – people who believe in fairy tales don’t like being reminded that they’re fools.

          • Michael Smith

            Cassius was an Epicurean.

          • Playonwords

            There is a tale of the Conversion of the English in which a saint (Paulinus) is telling Edwin of Northumbria and his court about the Magical Messiah. One of the advisers to the King points out how how little is known about life, likening it to a sparrow flying into the hall and then exiting and how it is always good to hear of what might lie outside the hall.

            This story shows that Pagan Saxon thinking was far more sophisticated than we are told by the (usually Christian) chroniclers

          • jmk

            As Marcus Aurelius said, “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

            Or… as he put it in his TL:DR version, “Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.”

      • xy

        the Egyptians had a pretty cool group of gods.

    • Boscoe

      I still want to know why anyone who claims faith in “God’s Plan” even NEEDS a gun? If being raped and killed by a psychotic biker gang was God’s plan for your family, doesn’t fighting back make you a heretic?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I find their lack of faith disturbing.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        In God we trust. All others keep your hands where I can see them.

        *puts sawed-off on the bar*

        Now what’ll ya have?

  • Oblios_Cap

    though Muslims may be fellow people of the Book, they are dirty hellbound heathens
    That damned book has certainly done more harm than good over the ages.

    • arglebargle

      And I’m not sure how it condemned Muslims as they were a few centuries away from existing when the word of god was recorded.

      • Boscoe

        Well, some things just have to be taken on faith, I guess.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Just your run of the mill Bible Prophesy.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s not the book’s fault that assholes grab it and claim to be doing what it tells them to do, even when it contradicts itself.

      For example, fundamentalists who have conveniently turned the golden calf into a golden book and missed the entire fucking point in the first place.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    One of my college advisors was refused tenure at his prior school because he wasn’t keen enough for Jesus. We don’t want to embarrass anyone, so we will just refer to that place as L*wis and Clar* College in P*rtland, *regon.

    • arglebargle

      You misspelled Coll*ge.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        I went to a Un*versity so I didn’t need to learn how to spell kolidge.

    • eric

      Fuck L*wis and Clar* college.

    • chicken thief

      This ain’t Wheel of Fortune – give us a hint!!

      • LIT_Fag

        If they were referring to UTenn, I’d say buy a Vol.

    • natoslug

      Great. Now I’ve got the Lewis and Clark song stuck in my head . . . https://youtu.be/ClD3ImPs3WA

    • Msgr_Moment

      Sounds like a Sack o’ g*w*a sh*t.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Us Portlanderites pronounce it Chigago-we-uh.

    • Ian

      Your ” * ” remind me of the press releases from One Mashugana Mom. They like to * the vowels in words like s*x, and v*g*n*.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        There’s far too much f*lth on the Internet as it is. Why add to that shit?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Isn’t that just down the street from R*ed C*lle*e?

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Read Col*ege is where all the Reds are. They’re over in the **st M*rland area, which is a sort of nest of gentlefolk neighborhood. But across 39t* Avenue it quickly turns into what we call F*lony Flats or Dog P*tch.

  • eric

    Professor of New Testament is like Professor of Harry Potter studies.

    • Pickwicknext

      Only one of those is worth taking.

      • Ian

        Besides one’s Lithium?

    • Mavenmaven

      “The Archeological Traces of the Real Harry Potter- A Symposium” NYU Fall 2172

  • Shibusa

    If all else fails, Professor Hawkins can buy an AK-47 and take over the Florida Exotic Bird Sanctuary.

    • eric

      But she would be wearing a hijab. She would be killed instantly. Trumped, if you will.

      • MrBlobfish

        Schlonged

        • Boo Hoo

          literally, at the same frickin’ time. :-D

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Great minds, etc.

      • Boo Hoo

        Schlonged.

        • MrBlobfish

          Hey! Keep it down up there!

          • Playonwords

            As opposed to the actress rebuking the bishop – “Hey! Keep it up down there,”

  • MrBlobfish

    Was the Provost a winner, who became a doggie’s dinner?

    • edith prickly

      You get all the Internets for quoting Nick Lowe.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Doesn’t the whole same-god-as-Christianity thing get bogged down in theological contradictions kinda quickly?

    1. If Christians and Muslims do not worship the same god, doesn’t that mean that there is more than one god?

    2. If there is only one god, and that’s the Christian god, then when Muslims are praying, can the Christian god not hear their prayers?

    3. Assuming that the Christian god can hear their prayers, are we to assume that he does not grant them because the people praying are Muslim?

    4. If the Christian god can hear Muslim prayers, but doesn’t grant them, isn’t he behaving towards Muslims exactly like he does toward Christians?

    I wonder what the logical geniuses over at Wheaton College think about questions like these…

    • Boscoe

      Considering that whoever is in charge allows babies to be born with horrific defects and cancer, I really couldn’t care less which one is “real”. They can all eat a bag of salted rat dicks in hell.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Delicious & Theodicious!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        And not the good Himalayan pink salted ones, either.

    • snigsy

      That’s why the Almighty gave us the word “schism.”

      • Boscoe

        -And swords!

        • Villago Delenda Est

          And the auto de fe!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well, all those are covered by the Christian Catch 22: “The LORD works in mysterious ways, his wond’rous deeds to perform”

      In other words, stop asking those questions.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Someone may suggest I have a cup of tea – “your chamomile & hemlock sir. Lemon or cream?”

    • artem1s

      who was there in Nod to marry Cain?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Wynken and Blynken?

      • eddi

        The people created on the sixth day. That is the First Creation of Mankind. Adam and Eve were created after Jehovah rested on the seventh day. The Second Creation of Mankind.

        • artem1s

          so Adam and Steve then?

    • Playonwords

      Fundie definition

      Logic – see also “Reason”
      Thought processes leading to Questioning, Heresy and Atheism frequently the quickest path to eternal damnation

      Student’s looking at this definition need to report to their Mentor and the School Discipline Board.

  • snigsy

    Call me crazy, but I always thought that at university one read “books” and discussed “ideas,” even outlandish ideas like such-and-such a group are humans, too.

    • edith prickly

      Only at evil non-godly Satan schools. At fundie school you start with a fixed idea and torture the books until they appear to support what you believe anyway.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        It’s kind of like Stanley Fish on crystal meth.

        • snigsy

          But you’d have to delete the “interpretive” in “interpretive communities.”

    • eddi

      Christian colleges are finishing schools for either ministry or Christian academia. They seal shut minds closed by years of religious education. The occasional loose canon (stet) shows up but are usually more quietly dealt with.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        A lot of them are like that. OTOH, all of the major catholic universities are actually real schools where you can get a law degree, accounting, computer sci, ed cert and whatnot. My daughter is graduating next year from one with a double degree in in English Lit and education. There are other Lutheran, Methodist etc universities where the same thing goes.

        • PubOption

          Brigham Young (surprisingly?) offers serious courses along with Mormon propaganda.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            My (very Catholic) wife attended BYU for her freshman year on a huge scholarship. She was oe of the tiny minority of Norms (non-Morms) there, but they didn’t offer her a second year, possibly because they decided she wasn’t a potential convert, maybe?

            At my daughter’s Catholic U, the Catholics make up only 40% of the student body. Everyone else is a different religion or non-religious.

          • eddi

            Which helps open minds. Probably on both sides.

          • PubOption

            The Mormons have her details, they can convert her later.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Fordham University (formally a Jesuit institution) doesn’t even ask – they just teach.

        • eddi

          My apologies if I painted with too broad a brush. It’s easy to forget real Christians these days are at the forefront of many good things. Practicing what Jesus preached and seeking to help enlighten rather than crawl back to the Dark Ages.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Examples of these kinds of Christians, who are of course universally loathed on the right: Jimmy Carter, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama.

          • eddi

            Amen!

        • Latverian Diplomat

          ELCA has some nice colleges too (e.g., St. Olaf, Gustavus Adolphus).

      • PubOption

        What about louche canons?

        • Playonwords

          Catholic? or Protestant Youth Pastors?

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Or cooch linens?

        • SpideySenser

          Trebuchets, anyone?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I’m sure that most of them spend a great deal of time on how to sheer the sheep to keep the con going.

    • Playonwords

      If they did that then they might have to teach the brainwashees that Jesus of the Gospels did not exist, that the Gospels are late with many much later forged instertions redactions. Then they’d have to explain that there are a good arguments that Paul had little to do with his Epistles (even the “authentic” ones).

      Wheaton College might be a bit resistant to that …

  • Mavenmaven

    Now that they are done with that they can return to their classical teachings and go back to hating on Jews.

    • Takoma DC

      And the poor.

  • Rebecca Gardner

    Religion is a mental disease. Together we can find a cure.

    • eddi

      Religion or the need to believe seems hard-wired. Along with a pathetic grasp of probability and a totally useless sense of cause and effect that doesn’t really need a factual link between the two. The cure would leave a person questioning everything and constantly re-checking established facts.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Kind of like a scientist. Can’t have that!

      • artem1s

        is it religion, or the need to/advantage of belonging to a group that is hard wired? seems like religion is just a grifters game that takes advantage of the fear of being ostracized from the community or family. Which is why religion is a very effective tool of powerful for punching down.

        • eddi

          That is more likely the case these days. A literal belief in God is rare. I think the impulse to believe come out more in buying into non-factual secular beliefs. Conspiracy theory to be blunt.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        People want to know the how and why of things – and religion provides a simple explanation, for simple minds.

        • MarkM

          Exactly. For science to develop theories to explain biology, physics, cosmology etc took hundreds of years of patient, painstaking observation and experimentation. Writing had to develop to allow the discoveries and conclusions of one generation of scientists to be passed on to the next. An entire system of inquiry had to be created-the scientific method. Religion, and all of the myriad creation myths that have been fostered by different cultures, is simply an attempt by primitive humans to explain that which they could see and wonder about sitting around their fires after killing a wildebeest. Anyone can come up with a fable to explain the world around them, and it was inevitable that primitive humans would.
          The fact that so many people refuse to give up on these myths and fables is disturbing because the existential threats we face as a species can only be dealt with and possibly solved by employing science and reason. But how do you discuss these issues rationally with people who’s worldview is fundamentally irrational?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            “Educate and inform the whole mass of the people… They are the only sure reliance for the preservation of our liberty.” –Thomas Jefferson

            Jefferson knew that an educated electorate was essential – and that large numbers of ignorant sheeple would be a problem. Fucks Gnus is in the business of creating that problem.

      • Msmlg1979

        There are many things to believe in that are…well, real, and could easily satisfy the urge to believe. I think most adherence to religion stems from a fear of the unknown, particularly death, and for some people, it’s simply tradition. I believed my entire childhood because it’s what I was taught, and long after I had seen church for what is was, and left that behind, continued to believe in a “higher power”. In some ways, I still do, but I define it differently-not as something humans are separate from, but something that comes directly from us, and our unique position as the only beings we are aware of who are capable of certain understanding. What I believe in now as “God” is the culmination of all the love, generosity, kindess, hope, humor, music, art, enlightenment, etc (all the good things) the human race is capable of. That’s what I aspire to be part of. I hope this makes some kind of sense. :)

    • proudgrampa

      This is why I’m a Pastafarian.
      May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage (preferably with a nice Bolognese sauce and Chianti).

  • JohnR

    Ahhh Wheaton College where Dennis Hastert graduated from. http://bit.ly/20LLfma This guy worked there. http://bit.ly/20LLCNy Bill Gothard? http://bit.ly/20LLMom

    • Major_Major_Major

      The one who co-authored a book titled “Christian Child Rearing and Personality Development” was doing it wrong.

  • Takoma DC

    I hope the professor gets hired quickly at a wonderful university where freedom of expression is encouraged and appreciated.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The faculty SHOULD be very uncomfortable. Nothing says “Freedom of Religion” like kicking a professor off campus for daring to speak documented truths about who Muslims worship and who Christians worship. The same God. Although not the one they warship at Wheaton. Mammon is their God.

    • snigsy

      Your typo is very appropriate.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        What was it? I’m so busy correcting my fuckups (well, except for the one I can’t fix, from the third grade) that I lose track!

        • snigsy

          “warship” instead of “worship”–it made me chuckle. There’s a whole lotta history in the relationship between those two words.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Ah, yes. It was a good typo :)

            I’ll fix it back to the typo so that others can have your chuckle!

  • TheGrandWaz00
    • snigsy

      Yup.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Even more preposterous: A supreme intelligence and power, capable of creating an entire universe of hundred of billions of galaxies, took time out to explain it all to a bunch of bronze-age goat herders on one particular planet.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        He gave the Klingons a totally different story, too!

        • Beezelbubbles

          Qapla’ !

    • VandeGraf

      Huzzah! This tribe must be brilliant and at the foreskin of civilization’s progress, fomenting peace on Earth!

    • Boscoe

      Chuck is being WAAAAAY too generous with the “are all wrong regarding…” bit. The fact is these people believe science is all a giant fraud manufactured on behalf of Satan to discredit their beliefs. Same as Flat Earthers, actually…

      • Logic of Color

        Except when that science is, say, heating up their hotpocket or running under the hood of their F150. Then science is Great!

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Or the theory of electricity which powers their computers they do their facebooking on.

        • MarkM

          “I hate science and all of its works! They are nothing but tools of Satan!”
          Sentiment often expressed on internet comment threads. Irony much?

  • Jeff Ackerman

    According to Wikipedia there are 4200 religions in the world, with approximately 313 in the US. Islam is the largest and fastest growing religion in the world. You would think a University would at least acknowledge that other beliefs than Christianity exist, and according to our country’s Constitution have some legitimacy. But, in matters of belief taken on faith alone, logic is seldom used. Should any of us really be surprised at their behavior and intolerance?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      These people actually state, for the record, that Islam is not a “real” religion. So the 1st Amendment does not apply.

      Please never to mind the overwhelming documentary evidence that not only did James Madison disagree with this, he specifically singled out Islam as a religion that is covered by the 1st Amendment.

      Upside the head. Upside the head. Say it again. Upside the head.

      • limberrat

        Shhhhh all the founding fathers were totally Right Wing Gun Nut Christian and actual facts are liburel liezzz.

  • Playonwords

    Can’t Wil Wheaton sue?

    • JH Marx

      Will Wheaton is a Linux geek.
      He gets a pass on everything else.

  • Helena Handbag

    Being a professor of Theology is a bit like being a professor of Alchemy or Astrology, and just as legitimate.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      How many needles can dance on the head of an angel?

      Inquiring minds need to know!

      • Helena Handbag

        Unfortunately, they are not inquiring minds. Not even merely curious!

    • Jay Vaughn

      Oh man, that’ll show them. Parrot back some more Reddit fuckage; changing the world bra.

    • Playonwords

      Actually there are a fair number of atheist professors of theology now. They examine the texts and point out how late or derivative they are.

      • Barley_Brains

        I think there are probably a lot more professors and students of theology that are atheists than care to admit it. Can’t maintain the clerical grift without at least a pretense of belief.

  • Rotisserie Teal

    This all seems very strange to us Frisbeetarians.

    We believe that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and you can’t get it down.

    Blessings of Wham-o to you all.

    • May you find the way and the light and the spaghetti.
      ~

    • Lance Thrustwell

      This religion will start a revolution – when people disc-over the gospel.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I had a brief fling with it when i was in collidge. My Frisbeetarian girlfriend was the Ultimate.

    • Frank Underboob

      Speaking of which, did you notice the shout-out to Frisbeetarianism in Breaking Bad?

    • Boscoe

      Good God, you just took me back to fifth grade…

    • handyhippie65

      hail, i bring you the revelation of “the neighbor’s ladder”. all praise her extendable accessibility.

  • Angry and Short

    I don’t even care anymore. It’s like yelling into a void filled with Duggars and Trump.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Don’t stare into that abyss for too long. It wills start staring back at you.

      • VandeGraf

        It’s Will stares back at you. (George libelz!)

  • VandeGraf

    And the Lord said, “Fucketh thine enemies. And because they knewest not who their enemies wert, they proceeded to fucketh those that were foreign unto them. And they thought that they were good.”

  • Bill Slider

    Funny, I was taught that all three monotheistic religions believed in, and worshipped, the same God. This was in the 1950’s and 60’s in Kansas, no less. Obama should just issue an Executive Order. Problem solved.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      This seems to be one of those questions where there’s no common ground, leaving individual pastors and priests free to improvise. I had a priest telling a Catholic high school class that only Catholics could get into heaven, which by the early ’70s certainly wasn’t official dogma. He would have made a great fundie preacher, if he hadn’t been born Irish Catholic.

      • handyhippie65

        the baptists think catholics are all going to hell. at least they did in the 70’s. every denomination thinks they are the only ones who get to go. funny that.

  • Belasaurius

    This is why I’m a Thorman.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Hammer time!

    • Belasaurius

      truth

    • Playonwords

      I’ll keep an eye out for you …

  • ken_kukec

    ” Wheaton …[a] wingnut evangelical clown college full of wingnut evangelical clowns.”

    Pump your brakes, son; you’re talking about the alma mater of a great American statesman like former Speaker of the House (and ace wrestling coach) Denny Hastert, here.

    • VandeGraf

      He learnt everything they had to offer, and went on to the political practicum. Whadda mensch!

    • Frank Underboob

      What is it about wrestling coaches & underage boys, anyway?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?”

        • Frank Underboob

          See, this is what I love about the Wonketariat, I always know that I’m around people with minds just as twisted as mine.

        • Barley_Brains

          Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Hey! That’s this guy!

  • frrolfe
  • Helena Handbag

    And before anyone has an aneurysm, yes I DO know he became a supporter of the Iraq war later in life–after a long love affair with Marxism– but pfffft, I love him anyway. I don’t expect perfection from anyone.

    • arglebargle

      You and me both. I quoted him elsewhere in this post. If you blindly believe in everything someone says then you’re not really thinking for yourself at all.

      He did more to influence and make it okay to express my nonbelief and than anyone else. A sorely missed voice of reason over superstition.

      • Helena Handbag

        What you said

      • Yeah, but everyone in this story, including the nice professor, is a Christian and therefore DUMB and EVIL according to The Hitch, like Mother Theresa.

        • arglebargle

          Mother Theresa was not a friend of the poor. She was an advocate of being poor, and used her position, among other things, to tell poor helpless women they were not allowed to use birth control. And of course abortion was out of the question.

          And the vast majority of Christians are neither dumb nor evil. But, to quote Steven Weinberg, “With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things
          and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil
          things, that takes religion.”

          • ahughes798

            Oh, she used to deny people dying of terminal diseases pain medications. Something something “the beauty of suffering” something something. She was also good pals with Idi Amin, who was really nice person, also, too. And let’s not forget at the end of her life, she lost her faith. Mother Theresa was not dumb, but she was evil.

  • Beezelbubbles

    Regardless, with Hawkins officially gone from Wheaton, we repeat our earlier clarion call to real, non-sucky colleges that a really great teacher is officially on the market. HIRE HER.

    For professor slave wages. Who would give a Muslim lover tenure? As if. Also, too.

  • Boscoe
    • limberrat

      SHUT UP WIL!

  • docterry6973

    Once you deny science, denying theological history is easy.

  • kindness

    Saw a friend post this on FB and it has to go here even if it isn’t completely related:

    https://www.facebook.com/TheGoodLordAbove/photos/a.157796790974699.40772.157750900979288/1620518131369217/?type=3

  • TheBidenator

    Gah, I get so sick of these people…if it isn’t the bigots talking about how savage Islam is and why we should kill all Muslims (self awareness, how does it work again?) it’s the “Islam is the new Judaism” movement among wingnut bigots to discriminate against Muslims and people who identify with Muslims….eat a TITANIC bag of dicks, all you fuckers.

  • Logic of Color

    This article doesn’t really mean much to us Joe Pescians

    • Barley_Brains

      A man who can get things done!

  • dshwa

    “Jones said he stood by his concerns about Hawkins’ theological statements”

    Your concern that it was true?

    • PoppaCharlie

      At least Wes recovered from the trauma.

  • limberrat

    Holy crap, Wes Craven graduated there!

    • Mintie

      Explains quite a bit, doesn’t it?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Also, too, Kate Pierson of the B-52’s.

  • MarkM

    I’ve found it amusing the way so many religious people get into a high dudgeon at the suggestion that we are descended from apes. Personally, I think the apes have more cause to feel insulted…

  • texasace00

    If Jesus was going to Wheaton College right now he would probably be their starting point guard, just sayin

    • JohnInCA

      Wheaton College’s statement of faith doesn’t seem like it’s compatible with Judaism, so I’m not sure Jesus would actually go there.

    • PoppaCharlie

      I think that if Jesus was going to Wheaton College right now, it would be to reprise his “money changers in the temple” bit, with extreme prejudice.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Does Wheaton have a dress code? Jesus might not be able to get in.

  • Me not sure

    Many Christian sects require that their women members cover their heads. What’s the diff?

  • proudgrampa

    What I don’t understand is that Christians always (conveniently) forget that Jesus was a Jew. There is no way they would admit him to their schools or churches, even if he wanted to go (and I suspect not!).

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Welp, no more gifts to Wheaton College for me. Oh, wait, I don’t have any money. Well, if I ever get any, none of it will go to Wheaton College.

  • hvdv

    That’s not how it works. Thousands of excellent academics are without academic jobs. (And yes, thousands of worthless diploma-holders are with well-paying academic jobs.) It’s as shitty a place to work as any–although this “Wheaton College” appears to be worse than most.

  • freetofu

    I’m just thinking that Jesus’s mom is wearing a hijab in pretty much every picture of her, so she probably could have got away with it if she’d just kept her mouth shut.

    • gingerland62

      It would have to be light blue and white, the colors all the women living in the desert wore.( just not after labor day)

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Wait a minute. The school administration actually thinks that the WAY they got rid of this teacher will influence whether or not they get God’s blessing? What sort of moran do they think he is?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They were created in His image, after all…

  • Jamsie

    “Evangelical clowns” is a great descriptor Evan. I’m thinking the kind of clowns who hang out in storm drains. You get the picture, but I’m too lazy to upload the pic that would go next to “Evangelical Clowns” in the dictionary.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Evangelical Clown Parsonage is the name of my new ecclesiastical-horrorcore chant rap duo. Watch for our first album, Pain in the Rectory.

  • Michael Loraine

    Well, isn’t that nicey-nicey!

    Here’s hoping that Allah sends lightning, asteroids, earthquakes, locusts, frogs, boils and whatever to rain down upon Wheaton College, but during spring break when all of the students are away. All nicey-nicey!

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