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Bye Rick.
Bye Rick.

Oh well, guess Rick Santorum’s dreams have died again. Late Wednesday, Santorum surprised exactly no one by declaring that he would no longer be quote unquote “running for president,” and that he has decided Marco Rubio is the change we’ve all been waiting for. In other words, Rubio is neither Ted Cruz nor Donald Trump, so he’ll do.

Santorum told the Morning Joe people all the different reasons he loves Rubio on Thursday morning:

[O]n Thursday morning, Santorum was utterly unable to answer a direct question from Morning Joe‘s Joe Scarborough:

“What do you list as Marco Rubio’s top accomplishment?”

What followed was a dizzying array of questionable sidesteps and half-answers from Santorum, who himself won the Iowa Caucus in 2012. To Scarborough’s question, Santorum meekly managed to say that Rubio, “[Won] a tough election in Florida, pull[ing] people together from a variety of spots.”

Scarborough wasn’t having it, and repeated the question multiple times while others on the Morning Joe panel laughed at the absurdity of the situation.

“He’s someone who brings people together!” Santorum admitted sheepishly.

We could transcribe it, but there’s no point. That’s all that happened.

Afterward, Mika Brzezinski thought maybe it would help Santorum if she asked more fill-in-the-blank-style what Rubio was good for, so she said, “Jeb Bush ran Florida. Donald Trump built a company. Marco Rubio … finish the sentence.” Santorum could not finish the sentence, because for real he doesn’t know why he likes Marco Rubio so much. The actual answer, of course, is “Marco Rubio has cute shoes and frolics about in the air like a little elf.”

Nah gonna happen.

Or maybe the real answer is that Rick Santorum’s one supporter in Iowa, whose name is Peggy, decided at the end of the day to support Rubio, so he guessed why not.

So, what will we miss most about Rick Santorum? Is it how his name, literally translated, means “The thing that happens when you do buttsex incorrectly”? Is it how he can tie literally any issue in the world, even the Charleston shootings, to how gay people are gross? Is it the way his wife Karen used to date a really hot abortion doctor, and Rick’s jealousy over that is probably the only reason he’s “pro-life” today?

Maybe we will really miss the way he resents Americans for spreading their erotic liberties all over the place, which is gross and anti-Jesus and makes the pope cry. Besides, Santorum knows sex doesn’t count if you’re not barebacking, because otherwise how else will Jesus make a baby?

Or MAYBE it was that blustery thing he said last year about how, out of all the U.S. American men, Rick Santorum is the one ISIS is most terrified of, because the terrorist organization published his picture in its little Tiger Beat newsletter thingie. Ayup. Rick Santorum. Puttin’ the fear of God in ISIS. You bet.

Oh yeah, and LOL, just recently he came up with a brilliant plan to deport all the brown people back to their native lands, to preserve his beloved white America.

SPOILER: We’re not going to miss Rick Santorum for any reason at all, because he sucks and he’s totally irrelevant, and also too fuck him. Fuck him right in the butt.

[CNN / Mediaite]

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  • crunchyknee
    • Msgr_Moment

      “And boom shacka lacka goes right there!”

  • Indiepalin

    When it comes time to choose a running mate, I hope Marco Polio here chooses Fecal Boy.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Yeah, let’s Rick Roll Rubio.

  • Metadude

    They met at a particularly frothy foam party on South Beach.

  • DahBoner

    Say, you know who else who was good at pulling people together from a variety of spots?
    http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/95000/Hugh-Hefner-Getting-a-Tattoo–95431.jpg

    • Creepoman

      Dr. Frankenstein?

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      The Human Centipede guy!

    • All the King’s horses and all the King’s men?

    • coozledad

      That picture helps me be unafraid of death.

      • Toomush_Infer

        As in “yearn for”?…

    • calliecallie

      Georges Seurat?

  • dslindc

    He couldn’t complete those sentences because none of the blanks fit for “ew, gay” as the answer.

  • diogenez

    At long last, will this finally be the last we see of Santorum (except for after we have hot and lusty butt sex)?

  • Brazilian Fart Porn

    So basically, there is going to be Santorum in Rubio’s ass?

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Or his wherever.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Or: You’ve got a little something on your mouth there, Marc.

  • Nounverb911

    “He’s someone who brings people together!”
    Everyone hates him too, also.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Actually, Cruz does that better.

      • nmmagyar

        Rubio is too bland to elicit strong feelings.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Wasn’t Santorum just at Trump’s “debates are for losers” rally? If Santorum’s endorsement was worth anything, Trump might be upset about this. As it is, Santorum will never be allowed to play blackjack in a tax-subsidized, gilded pile of substandard sheetrock ever again.

    • Amy!

      Come to think of it … the three who have dropped out since Iowa are the three who were second-most petulant about the last debate. Huck and Rick went to guest-star at someone else’s campaign rally. Rand just no-showed (or was that a different debate?).

      Wonder what’ll happen to the winner of Most Petulant and Entitled (Who Also Did Not Win) ?

      • eddi

        Rand no-showed at the December loser table debate. He moved back to the main stage in the last one.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Some sort of apocalyptic reaction, perhaps Gotterdumberung.

        • SadDemInTex

          I’m going to steal that!

    • MrBlobfish

      Rick is aiming for the much-coveted position of Secretary of Perpetual War in a Rubio administration.

      • SnarkTank

        I ASSumed it would be “Grand Inquisitor” he was aiming for.

      • LIT_Fag

        Glory Hole Czar?

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    Rick Santorum and Scott Walker should become superheroes: “The Banal Boys, notable for failing at everything and being pointless sacks of jizz socks.”

    • Count Awesome

      They seem more like the blunder twins.

      • The Wanderer

        Blunder Twin powers, activate!
        Form of a bucket of stale jizz!
        Form of – an adorable jackbooted elf!

    • 24601
      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        Yes!

      • JohnBull

        What is everybody looking at?

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        But which one is Gary and which one is Ace?

  • Belasaurius

    to be fair, can anyone name a Rubio accomplishment?

    • SK

      He made every third place finisher in history a winner.

    • Nounverb911

      Showed the world it’s okay to not show up at work and still get paid for it.

    • JohnBull

      According to the picture, he won a game of cornhole.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Working those heels like he’s on a catwalk.

    • Amy!

      He’s got a very practiced bottle-lunge going.

    • FauxAntocles

      C’mon, people! He drinks water STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE!!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Won’t anybody just leave Rick alone? He just oozed out of the race, fer chrissakes!…

  • MorganX

    RIGHT in the BUTT! Bye, Ricky!! *grinning & waving like a beauty queen*

  • memzilla

    Dan Savage, FTW:
    .

    • The Wanderer

      (gloop . . . splat)

  • SK

    Marco finished in third place in Iowa. Santorum finished in first last time, so shouldn’t Santorum being running for President instead?

    This is all so confusing.

  • Jason M

    I know you can’t choose who you love, but goddamn, how are these guys married? Do Rick and Ted’s wives not have eyes? This man got to climb atop a woman and make babies at least SEVEN TIMES. Were the Geneva Conventions for nothing?

    • JustPixelz

      Until I see the DNA tests, I’m not willing to concede that he got atop a woman seven times.

      • SnarkTank

        And we’ll need proof it wasn’t artificial insemination, also too.

      • It wouldn’t shock me if Rick, like allegedly Henry VIII’s extremely sheltered wife Anne of Cleves, believes that sex consists of hugging your partner in bed and Mrs. Santorum took advantage of the fact.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz have wives that at least stoop to sharing a room with them, but all the “nice guys” on OkCupid aren’t so lucky.

      Oh cruel fate, why are you so hilarious?

  • Michael Smith

    My uncle used to work with Santorum at a law firm in Pittsburgh. He said he remembered that when he quit to run for office, everyone thought he was a complete moron.

    Guess he showed them.

    • SnarkTank

      You made me go look him up on Wiki to see which firm (Kirkpatrick and Lockhart, ftr), and DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WE SHARE A FUCKING BIRTHDAY. Well, he’s a few years older, but still….ew….
      THANKS, OBAMA!

      • I know. I was born just 12 days after Christie, and we both went to the same college at the same time. AFAIK, our paths there never crossed.

        • eddi

          If you have no memory of being trampled by a charging hippo, you never met him.

  • hollydturner

    That frothy mix – Thank you Dan Savage

  • JustPixelz

    Rubio got “omnipotent* God” to give him a third place finish in Iowa. But Ricky came in last. God hates you Rick!
    ____________________________________
    * does not mean what Marco thinks it means

  • Toomush_Infer

    Geez, I hope Hillz and Bernie weren’t watching that!….

  • Lefty Frizzell

    That was brutal.

    Leveled the playing field on the old “no one can name a Hillary accomplishment as secretary of state” meme. Credit where credit’s due – you’re still an asshole but that was a Good Thing you did, Joe.

  • Brother Yam
  • coozledad

    Santorum could have run on the “I’ve got my own dead baby in a jar” platform, but he wasn’t the adept at home canning that Barbara Bush is. And it’s not like she can help him: she’s got her own dead infants to try and preserve.

  • Count Awesome

    Rubio’s greatest accomplishment is that daddy was a bartender, mommy was a maid, ¿no sabes?

    • Pickwicknext

      He has managed to keep the pics of him at an ultra gay S&M club underwraps? That’s just what I’ve heard on the teh interwebs.

      • Count Awesome

        Well, you never know who is underneath that gimp mask.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Who? Oh, yeah, him! I’m not sure he was actually running this year – it looked more like the shambling old-school zombies do.

  • Treg.Brown

    Instead of being allowed to abort his run, perhaps Santorum and Huckabee should be forced to carry their campaign to the end.

    • wavicles

      Fully terminal.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      For Jesus.

    • calliecallie

      And it’s just about 9 months to November. Brilliant!

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Your campaign that no one wanted is God’s little gift to you.

  • arglebargle

    Santorum is the shit.

  • wavicles

    “My dreams keep dying on me before they come true. Can anyone tell me what I might be doing wrong?”

  • elpinche

    Wait! Santorum was running for president?

    • Pickwicknext

      No, just down your leg

      • The Wanderer

        Your Love Ran Down My Leg (and Now You’re Gone). Great old country tune.

    • Trickling. Santorum was trickling for President.
      ~

      • Playonwords

        How’s that trickle down working for you?

  • JMP

    Rick Frothy’s greatest accomplishment is losing by the highest margin of any incumbent Senator running for reelection who wasn’t facing indictment, just the scandal of being such a dumbass that he was a huge embarrassment to the state, ever. Losing 60-40, when he was an incumbent. That’s his greatest accomplishment, being the biggest loser.

    • SnarkTank

      As someone who stumped for Bob Casey, you’re welcome.

  • cmd

    Hey there is nothing wrong with elves, and all of them would make a better president than Marco Rubio.

    • Pickwicknext

      Dunno, their queen couldn’t beat Granny Weatherwax. Seems pretty weak

      • Playonwords

        F’n VAMPIRES couldn’t beat Granny Weatherwax!

        Mind you I’m glad that Nanny Ogg gets on well with Granny.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Dobby for President!

      • cmd

        Oh, I forgot about Elf on a Shelf — Rubio can be him.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    ““What do you list as Marco Rubio’s top accomplishment?”

    AOT,K

    • Nounverb911

      Getting Rick Santorum’s endorsement?

      • Seems like a bottom accomplishment.
        ~

      • Barley_Brains

        I’m sure they will soon develop a vaccine to prevent such an affliction.

  • Joe Beese

    I was so excited for this “Santorum drops out” thread ever since the news broke yesterday afternoon.

    Now that it’s here, I find myself with nothing to say except “Yeah, he was a real asshole.”

    (sigh)

    • Pickwicknext

      Awww…does your snark need a running start? Or does it show up to work Like Rubio?

      • Joe Beese

        Gah, you’re right! My snarker skipped the vote!

    • OddMan

      My moment of happiness came last night on the Rachel Maddow show when she announced his withdrawal and his picture on her wall of candidates disappeared in a puff of smoke, and poof, he was gone. Ahhhh. I love that little poof of smoke she uses for candidates dropping out.

    • Jeamonn

      “Santorum drops out” thread is on another website. It’s more of an advice thread.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Are there *any* photos of our Frothy Friend that don’t portray that moment when he wonders if what he just did isn’t too wet to be called a fart?

    • MrBlobfish
      • Future serial killer on the far right.
        ~

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Competition for Gristle Palin in the rear.

          And up front, the makings of a Steven King novel . . . or one hell of a Twilight Zone episode.

          • MarkM

            Now, now, they’re children. Let’s not stoop to Limbaugh’s level…
            (It is a funny picture though, I must admit)

          • SnarkTank

            Completely agree. So this isn’t about the child, but PLEASE tell me that doll was bought in a Toys R Us.

          • nmmagyar

            It wasn’t – the matching dress is the clue that both were made at home

          • WhyFelicia

            American Girl doll. It’s a huge racket.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            More of a comment on their environment. ‘Tis too funny a picture to escape snarkulation.

          • nmmagyar

            I don’t think it is actually making fun of the kids to point out how much they hate being used as props in dad’s campaign. Even they know it’s a lost cause.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Didn’t he have a part in “Sin City”?

        • eddi

          I bet he other kids called him “Pugsley”.

      • BadKitty904

        Dang it, Mr. B, you beat me to it. Unfortunately, since Wonkette no longer works properly, I can’t always see images and, therefore, can’t tell which pix have already been uploaded.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          It’s not Wonkette, it’s Disqus, and usually reloading the page will get all the images to properly load.

          Disqus is, like our political process, flawed. Mainly because there are human beings involved in its production.

          • BadKitty904

            Ha. I did not know this. Thanks for the pro tip!

        • MrBlobfish

          Is it wrong for us to laugh at the poor girl’s tears?

          • eddi

            Daddy is gonna be spending more time at home. Kicking furniture and swearing.

          • Whale Chowder

            I’d cry too.

          • WhyFelicia

            We have been doing it for far too long to stop now.

      • Jeamonn

        Where did they get that little 17th century Pilgrim girl from?

  • Incoming Ham

    Go on Marco – make your Uncle Rick proud!

  • BadKitty904

    Oh well, guess Rick Santorum’s dreams have died again.

    Good.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    God has a plan for Rick Santorum. And it is obscurity.

    • BadKitty904

      Well-deserved obscurity.

    • MarkM

      He finishes his campaign as nothing more than a disgusting stain on America’s sheets…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Does this mean he has to actually, you know, get, like, a job?

  • Lefty Frizzell

    It would have been leading the gang of 8 landmark bipartisan immigration bill, except he completely disowned it, and the rest of his party is so anti-immigrant, not to say anti-bipartisan, that they only ever mention his association with it as an attack.

    OMG I just googled it and it expressed a preference for SCIENTISTS to immigrate. OK – he’s done as a republican.

    • Incoming Ham

      I’m sure it’s only *certain* kinds of scientists. Climate scientists and genetic researchers need not apply.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Christian Scientists are welcome.

  • Poly_Ester

    you could almost say that Rick’s dream of becoming President has been aborted.

    • Nounverb911

      What a miscarriage of campaigning…

      • Incoming Ham

        RU 486ing me?

    • crunchyknee

      I wonder if he keeps that in a jar next to the fetus, also too?

      • Nounverb911

        Gabriel? Santorum had it stuffed and gave it to his daughter to play with.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He should be forced to carry it to term.

      Yeah I stoled it. So sue me.

      • Toomush_Infer

        It’ll leak out…

    • Boscoe

      Really more of a miscarriage because natural causes.

      • MarkM

        The Good Lord carries out FAR more abortions than Planned Parenthood after all…I think perhaps He enjoyed this one.

  • Boscoe

    Damn Evan, did everyone else call in sick today?

    • Pickwicknext

      Yesterday too?

    • BadKitty904

      A Chat-Cave coup?

      • Boscoe

        Evan Hurst’s Wonkette™ featuring: Evan Hurst®

        -Now with MORE Evan Hurst®!

        LOL

        • BadKitty904

          “I, for one, welcome our new Hurstian overlord…”

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Everyone thought the secret Kenyan Usurper Tyranny thing was sooooo funny and outta left field. Tin foil, you said. Check reality you claimed.
        Well, well, well who is laughing now?
        *note: I am not sure if white guys from the south can be borned in Kenya blah usurper tyrants but whomever points that out would be the real racist.

    • 24601

      He is a prolific bastard…and easy on the eyes, also, too.

    • Nounverb911

      Momma and Poppa Editrix are too busy teaching Donna Rose to drive the Wonkabago to write today.

      • btwbfdimho

        Donna had a DWI: Diapered, Wet, Incontinent.

        • Boscoe

          Police dog “alerted” on her pampers…?

      • Boscoe

        And Kaili:

        • Boscoe

          Hmm… just realized we haven’t heard anything from Kaili since the 28th… now I feel bad… Hopefully she’s busy doing something awesome, like ghostwriting for Chris Rock. …Or Bristol Palin®…

          • SnarkTank

            Wasn’t she moving or something?

  • 24601

    Rick could probably step in and take over Marco’s Senate seat. He sure as hell isn’t using it. It probably still has the wrapper on it…

    .http://www.fairfaxunderground.com/forum/file.php?40,file=136260,filename=sanitized1.jpg

    • The Wanderer

      He won’t. The wrapper reads “Sodomized for your infection.”

  • The Wanderer

    Ayatollah Santorum joins Ayatollah Huckabee on the trash-heap of history. They can now roll around in the fetid muck that is Fox News and Rightist Talk Radio, whoring themselves out for their pathetic parody of God while making themselves rich. Good bye, Ricky.

    • Anarchy Pony

      While forever padding their resume with “former presidential candidate”

    • SnarkTank

      Unfortunately, all the other candidates are just as bad. Except Trump, who’s attempting to pretend to be a religious zealot hell-bent on Making America A Theocracy Again!, but is really only in it for the Jesus crackers.

  • BadKitty904

    Santorum endorsing Rubio – talk about the pot calling the kettle incompetent and inconsequential…

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The actual answer, of course, is “Marco Rubio is not Donald Trump or Ted Cruz.”

    • BadKitty904

      This is not so much an endorsement of Rubio as yet another confirmation of just how despised Ted Cruz actually is…

  • MrBlobfish

    Mika has sleeves. Howz about that.

  • vivian

    Santorum departs GOP race and yet somehow remains.
    A puzzled Rick Santorum could not explain to viewers how his leaving the field of
    candidates for the 2016 GOP Presidential nomination somehow left voters with
    a field of choices entirely composed of Santorum.

    “I though I was the right candidate at the right time” Rick said,
    obviously trying to solve the riddle of his situation. “I mean, look,”
    he continued, “everyone up there [running for the GOP nomination]
    is Santorum, and that’s me, I mean, that’s my name. I am the poster boy
    for Santorum. I AM SANTORUM. It’s my NAME. How could I NOT be leading?”

    The frothy mix of remaining GOP candidates were largely indifferent
    to the ending of his alleged campaign. Pressed for comment, Marco Rubio
    said “I guess we’ll miss the sweater vests?”

    • BadKitty904

      Thereby puzzling the millions of Americans who didn’t know he was running…

    • SnarkTank

      I AM SANTORUM. It’s my NAME. How could I NOT be leading?”
      “Yeah, just google me, you’ll see how great I am! Goog…um…wait, never mind, they’re telling me in my earwig that I shouldn’t have you google me. At least not at work, or on a full stomach.”

  • Randy Riddle

    To be fair, can _anyone_ name something that Marco Rubio has actually accomplished?

    • vivian

      He drank a lot of water during a SOTU rebuttal. That’s something.

      • Randy Riddle

        Has anyone checked the tape to see if his pupils were dilated during that speech?

      • Joe Beese

        RUBIO 2016: THIRSTY FOR LIBERTY

        • SDGeoff

          That’s LIBETY.

    • BadKitty904

      Or Rick Santorum? I mean, other than a new addition to the English language?

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        He made miscarried fetuses all the rage.

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          Just don’t walk around with a white one after Labor Day. Taaacky!

      • YourNameHere

        Technically that was Dan Savage’s accomplishment so not even that.

    • Joe Beese

      “More likable than Ted Cruz” may be the most modest accomplishment that science can measure. But when the alternative is in fact Ted Cruz, it’s a big deal.

    • vivian

      He learned to walk.

      • BearGHAZI

        those boots were MADE for walking

        back to Florida, in man-boy shame

    • Toomush_Infer

      Well, he prefigured that Flint drinking water problem….

    • btwbfdimho

      He can walk while chewing gum and voting online against Obamacare, all that without stepping on a Santorum splash.

    • He’s got electrolytes that plants crave.

      • Randy Riddle

        You win the Intertubes today.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Start walking, Marco. Back to the vile abyss that spawned you.

    • AnOuthouse

      He’s managed to stay out of jail, so far.

      • Takoma DC

        Well that’s easy – he’s a politician. He lives in Florida.

    • WhyFelicia

      Hm. Now that you mention it… no.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      He read Obama’s 2008 Iowa victory speech pretty well.

  • BadKitty904

    America reacts:

  • smr06va

    After hearing of the announcement, the Pope laughed and laughed…….and then laughed some more…………

  • ThatDale

    I made this for FacePlant when the Christianists tried to make it a thing.

  • BearGHAZI

    I do NOT recommend fucking Santorum in the butt, Wonket. Word on the street is, pudding in a garbage bag basically

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      A creamy mixture of vanilla and chocolate pudding, of course.

  • Relativicus

    Truly, the only real downer to his withdrawal is there’s a smaller pool of white guys all of whom, somehow, have the punchiest faces in politics. Before, if you got tired of one, you could seamlessly move to the next. Of course, there are still a few left, but their numbers are falling quickly. Soon, there’ll just be the GOP nominee and Jim Gilmore (the only non-punchy face in the bunch).

    • Takoma DC

      Don’t fergit there’s a pastey white female with equally punchable bouncy plastic face also too on GOP side.

      • Relativicus

        Yeah, but the ol’ “Never hit a girl” instinct is too strong. I figure we can just give an extra punch to all the other ones, while yelling “This is for Carly,” to make up for it.

        • Takoma DC

          Her rubbery face is very slappable! It’s perfectly acceptable to slap Carly!

          As well Lindsey! Just in case she should resume her campaign.

  • Playonwords

    So … Synonym supports Cuban Heel

  • Cleo_Cat

    And don’t forget that other fun fact about Mrs. Santorum’s old boyfriend, the abortion doctor: He was the ob/gyn who delivered her. That is one “meet cute” story for the ages.

    • Pickwicknext

      OMG! Was his name Tammy?!!1!!?!?

    • Takoma DC

      She must’ve been a beautiful baby.

  • azeyote

    yeah – fuck him in the butt – but not with my dick

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      FHWSEDP

  • Villago Delenda Est

    How can we miss him if he won’t get the hell off of the planet?

  • georgiaburning

    “Rubio-Santorum”. Why would the Repubs want a ticket sounds so Catholic?

    • Takoma DC

      And dirty.

      • nmmagyar

        So, so dirty

    • The Wanderer

      “Rubio-Santorum?” Is that when there’s flecks of blood in it?

  • MarkM

    “As I stand before you, I say this: Some have greatness thrust upon them. Some have it thrust INTO them, where it will later ooze out to stain the duvet cover. I am a citizen, a proud American, a public servant. And my place in the history of this country is assured! (As long as nobody gets a Rug Doctor out here before the stain has a chance to set…)”

  • OddMan

    “I always wanted my own little Presidential Candidate. I will name him Marko, and hug him and pet him and squeeze him.”

    • Takoma DC

      Don’t fergit to water ’em also too! Marko varieties require a lot of waterin’.

  • Nice move, Santorum. But Marco and his pals still won’t invite you to their next gay foam hot tub orgy. Leakage, you know.

    • John

      That’s true, the last thing you want in a hot top is Santorum floating around..ewww…

  • Takoma DC

    Maybe Satantorum believes supporting Ruby Red Slippered Elf will lead to a cabinet position?

    • blondeiq

      I really, honestly, truly misread that as a “cabaret” position. Cross my heart.

      • Takoma DC

        Cabaret much moar better. I was thinking of dollhouse furniture but was too lazy to figure out how to make that work.

        You have special sight. Cabaret is excellent. Thank you.

  • crisptickle

    “Marco Rubio has cute shoes and frolics about in the air like a little elf.”

    Evan, I could follow (sort of) you with Aaron and Justin, but please, please, please do not develop some kind of thing for Marco.

    • YourNameHere

      Are we drawing a line on hatesex now?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    He was just holding on until Rand left first. Ricky HATES him some Rand, with his full head of curly hair, and his doctor doctor smarmy tactics and his dad who loves him…..

    • Yr. Gma

      Randy does have some cute hair do.

  • You know, I kind of hope Santorum keeps frothing up now and then. I guess it’s because I’ve read a lot about sex in history and the origins of sexual freedom in the West and all that, but I’m fascinated and amused by the far-right types like Santorum who keep wanting both a theocracy and free-market capitalism without ever realizing the relationship consumer capitalism has with modern sexual freedom (some far-right commentators – largely Catholic – get it, and for them I have…well, not more respect, but slightly less contempt maybe?).

    Anyway, it’s always a blast seeing people like Santorum praise the virtues of the very capitalist system that helped set the sexual “deviants” free from the moralistic control of families, churches, and communities that the Santorums of the world desperately want to restore. It’s like watching a dog or a cat chase and pounce on its own tail.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The rise of capitalism had a great deal to do with the decline of religious fervor in Europe. Also, too, the religious fervor got sort of out of hand with all the massacres and general warfare of the 16th and 17th Centuries, which is why the Age of Reason really got going in the 18th, and why the US Constitution is based on Enlightenment ideals.

      • Pickwicknext

        All those constitutional conventions that Marco and that Texas nutbar keep suggesting will be based on the bibble and Malleus Malefacarum. (I may have spelled that wrong. Canadians learn French, not Latin)

    • Redgyal

      This is why I read the Wonkette. Yes to all of that.

  • Callyson

    Jeb Bush ran Florida. Donald Trump built a company. Marco Rubio …

    “…isn’t known by as many Americans, so we may be able to trick them into believing that this one isn’t a lunatic!”

  • Mr Corrections

    I mentioned this in another thread, but the last PPP poll found exactly zero Santorum supporters.

    “Rick Santorum had literally zero supporters on our final poll including him.”

    • Mr Corrections

      So I guess Peggy already moved on, is where I was going with this.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Hey, I have zero supporters.

      What’ll you offer me for that? Donald? Ted?

  • AnOuthouse

    I thought Ricky wanted to concentrate on making films no one wants to see.

  • Duke

    Frothy!

  • Joshua Norton

    Poor Ricky. Has he found a way to blame his lousy numbers on gay marriage yet?

  • guppy06

    The actual answer, of course, is “Marco Rubio has cute shoes and frolics about in the air like a little elf.”

    More like “Marco Rubio offered to pay off my campaign debts.”

    • Notreelyhelping

      If the credit card doesn’t crash.

  • TheBidenator

    The only thing I miss about Santorum is the lost air from saying his name and the dead brain cells lost from thinking about and then executing insults toward that frothy mess that some poor janitor in Iowa was tasked with cleaning.

  • TheBidenator

    My favorite is that all the wingnuts are rallying around Marco Rubio now when he has fewer accomplishments, less experience than Pres O’ and absolutely no experience outside of government….oh it is fun to mock the silly personification of cognitive dissonance fucksticks supporting Marco Pollo.

    • jmk

      I anticipate hilarity when these nutbags start trying to square Senator Not-Even-A-Community-Organizer Rubio’s distinct lack of accomplishments with their continuous whinging about how Bamz was “unqualified.”

      • HanBarbara

        They’ve now decided that being unqualified is good. As long as there is an “R” behind your name.

        • Mintie

          Much like Obama telling Muslims they’re important to the US counts as “dividing the people,” having no experience only counts if you’re a Black Democrat.

    • Left Coast Tom

      Well, the establishment money has to go somewhere now that JEB! is looking especially pathetic, and neither Trump nor Cruz seem like non-disastrous options to them (though apparently GOP Senators would prefer Trump over Cruz if they have to choose).

  • therblig

    ricky may have misunderstood the question

  • Joshua Norton

    I think Santorum is polling around .01% in NH. That should give Rubio a huge bump.

    /snark

    • Mr Corrections

      0.3%!

      • Joshua Norton

        How nice! It went up since last time I thought to look. That should put Mario right over the top!

        • Left Coast Tom

          Of what?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I just wanted him to get one last little bump in the polls before quitting – just to see if anyone could top (pun intended) this – the greatest newspaper headline in the known universe:

    http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/attytood/Santorum-surges-from-behind-in-Iowa.html

    • Takoma DC

      From The City of Brotherly Love.

    • Rotisserie Teal

      That is a good one. Still my favorite is from the early eighties when the University of South Carolina Game Cocks defeated Southern Cal in a football upset.

      “Cocks rip through Trojans” had us laughing for days

    • Mintie

      You know the guy who came up with that made an unholy pact with the Devil to allow Santorum to get Iowa just to use it.

  • Stein Olsen

    Here Santorum completely fail to shock the world with his withdrawal from the presidential race which I think people wasn’t aware he was part of in the first place. Trump made a twitter tantrum about how Cruz beat him, only that he didn’t… or something. Now Bush is begging the audience to give him some applause.

    https://www.rawstory.com/2016/02/please-clap-jeb-bush-begs-crowd-to-applaud-after-speech-is-met-with-total-silence/

    You almost pity the Republicans… Almost.

    • Sarah E. Grove

      “Please clap.”

      Will forever be known as Jebbie Bush’s rallying cry.

  • Mavenmaven

    This, too, is good news for Carly Fiorina!!!

    • Quercus

      Why did you have to ruin my happiness?

    • Billy Rubin

      She has a better shot at being the least popular candidate running. It’s good to have realistic goals.

  • mardam422

    Rick Santorum? Is it how his name, literally translated, means “The thing that happens when you do buttsex incorrectly”?
    I’ve never seen Santorum. Guess that means I’m doing buttsex right?

  • Notreelyhelping

    His dropping out has exactly zero effect on the race because his being in had exactly zero effect on the race. Go home, Rick. Take up model railroading.

  • Blackest Noobs

    ha ha ha ha ha..it’s cool, Rubio also couldn’t name one member of the Wu Tang Clan, supposedly his FAVORITE band, so it figures someone endorsing him couldn’t name a single accomplishment.

    it’s cuz he has nothing to show for when in comes to accomplishments, but boy oh boy he sure can memorize right wing rhetoric but doesn’t have the brain cell power to debate those memorized points.

    Rubio 2016….making America dumber.

    but in all honesty, Rubio could do himself and America a favor by just dropping out and then doing commercials for “cool” boots.

  • rocktonsam

    CUE THE PICTURE OF THE SANTORUM FAMILY ON STAGE WITH HIS BRATTY KIDS CRYING!

    • Blackest Noobs

      Sorry, that would be Ted Cruz with the bratty kids crying or just leaving the stage altogether.

      i shouldn’t pick on the kids, but you know what, politicians shouldn’t used their kids. PERIOD.

      • Mintie

        Nope, it was Santorum when he lost his Senate seat. Most ungracious concession speech in the history of US politics.

        • also: after looking this up, santorum hasn’t held a job since 2006.

          sponge.

      • yeah noobs for those of us actually here in 2006, that shot was forever seared in our brains. santorum all the way. (though i hold out great hope for the brat children of dictator cruz).

    • tihond

      I wonder how old his kids are now. That pic was at least 8 years ago, right?

      • it was – get ready 2006!

        damn.

  • beavertank

    “Unh, yeah, right in your vote hole. Just like that. You like that, don’t you Marco. Really takes you back to your gay old South Beach days, doesn’t it. Ohh…ohh… ohhh…. I’M VOTIIIIIIIING!!!!”

    -Rick Santorum

  • Tendernob

    I’m voting for Marco Rubio, because I believe in preserving the sanctity of the union between a woman and her rapist.

    • kaydenpat

      But but but Rubio is not extremist (according to the media).

  • Mintie

    “Rubio is neither Ted Cruz nor Donald Trump, so he’ll do.”

    I wouldn’t be surprised if Rubio won the Republican Primary due to this exact logic permeating the GOP.

  • kaydenpat

    I’ll miss how Santorum used to refer to African Americans as “blahs”. It was so adorable.

  • John

    “Fuck him right in the butt” Ewwww, no, I’m sorry, but we gays have some standards…not many, but some…

  • Semi-Penultimate

    As with all things Sir Ian said it best.

  • Paperless Tiger

    You mean Senators are supposed to accomplish things? That’s probably news to Santorum too.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I couldn’t get excited about Santorum this time around. I think it was the lack of sweater vests.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Remember that one teacher you had. Everyone couldn’t stand her in school, and she clearly didn’t give a fuck. Even the badasses would make sure not to get on her bad side. Someone acted like an asshole in her class, she’d stop, give him The Look, and the kid would just melt into the floor. That’s a Hillary/Rubio debate.

    • Sarah E. Grove

      Whoa, I can’t even picture Rubio being on the same stage with either Hillary or Bernie. His little butt would get blown away! He still looks like a teenager too. Ugh. (nothing against teenagers, except when they want to be President.)

  • xzargo

    Don’t forget about Santorum’s ‘Blah people’!

  • Billy Rubin

    We won’t have Santorum to smear around anymore. Distasteful!

  • danteardenz

    Santorum didn’t let getting beaten by the biggest landslide in Pennsylvania history for reelection to his Senate Seat ( 59 % – 41%) stand in the way of his dreams of being President .
    What a fool !
    No class ,dignity,or common sense .Fanatics are like that .

  • Teto85

    Rick Santorum; slip sliding away.

  • anna rampage

    Santorum has created quite the slippery slope….

  • Damian L

    Rubios greatest accomplishment to date has been that there are no visible santorum stains on his pants when in public.

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