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all woman, no kidneys
This week we’ll talk about dolls, soda and lying because deep down, like most of us, our Corporate Persons are runny-nosed little kids.

Barbie’s new curves not as hot as some of the takes they’re producing

Where's Klaus?
Where’s Klaus?

Barbie! She’s a doll from the 50s that parents buy to distract the kid while they smoke pot on the porch. Once an iconic blonde super waif, Barbie has endured changes in recent years and more are on the horizon. Barbie will now be offered in tall, petite, and curvy body types. Because those are all of the body types!

A few years ago, Mattel began offering Barbies with different “skin” pigmentations, not to mention “interactive” features that may also have been spyware. Or not! And considering the reaction when Barbie was a casualty in the War On White Culture, it’s probably not surprising that some people are NOT happy that the new Barbies might be anatomically possible. But hopefully these doll traditionalists can take solace in the fact that Chinese-made curvy ass Barbie is a purely profit-driven, overpriced piece of plastic.

The move is about more than just making Barbie look different. Once Mattel’s powerhouse brand, sales of Barbie have plummeted in recent years, as the doll has struggled to remain relevant to little girls who do not look like her.

“The ones in multiple skin tones did phenomenal for Mattel and it showed them that people wanted much more than the blond, blue-eyed Barbie,” Mr. Silver said.

The new Barbie body types should be great for Mattel. But the real people who are upset aren’t just those bemoaning the new Barbie as another product of the Politically Correct savages ruining the fabric of a country so obviously built on gender equality. Some people think the new Barbies are not realistic enough, and should be curvier, less like Christina Hendricks, and more wholesome, maybe like perpetually crack-eyed Raggedy Ann. Perhaps that’s a fair point. To put it in Bro Speak, these new Barbie versions are all at least “solid 8’s” (for one foot plastic dolls that can be repurposed as roach clips or props in ’90s music videos).

But the moral here is not about body image or Girls With Low Self Esteem. It’s that Mattel’s stock went up about 3% after the announcement. So if our corporate people believe that a Barbie with varicose veins or a prolapsed anus will make them more money, that’s probably the only principle that will be guiding future doll offerings.

Also, because it’s possible you haven’t suffered enough this weekend, here’s this 1997 classic:

Big Government still picking on Exxon for only 40 years of lying

A couple of months ago, we discussed New York’s investigation of Exxon’s long-held knowledge of the effects of man-made climate change. Now California has joined the act like they’re not just trying to keep up with the east coast elites or something.

Evidence points to reports showing Exxon’s constructive knowledge of its planet fucking as far back as 1977, or at the very least the early 80s. Contrast this with the many years Exxon has spent as one of ALEC’s biggest Oil Daddies, funding studies that preach “scientific uncertainty” about the causes of climate change. You know, if climate change weren’t a Liberal Media fairy tale, or scheme by profit-hungry scientists, of course.

From a liability standpoint, the key here is what Exxon knew and what was disclosed to investors. They can (and do!) lie to us whenever the hell they want, but Exxon could run into trouble if it’s discovered they violated the Sanctity of the Share.

Meanwhile, no one seems to be able to completely stop the Porter Ranch methane leak. ‘The what?’ you might ask. Just the biggest environmental disaster since the BP Deepwater Horizon spill, but no big. It’s not like ISIS made the well malfunction or anything…

We’d like to point out that this massive methane leak is not Exxon’s fault (as far as we know). Although, if we had a lot of money to pay a group like ALEC to stop playing in a wind tunnel of feces-smeared Fountainhead pages and write a bunch a bullshit about how this brutal environmental disaster IS their fault, it’s possible they would do our bidding. But alas, all of our money is invested in Rumsfeld’s next App – Kurds With Friends.

This Week In Brands – Don’t forget to tip your Pepsi mixologist

As Americans slowly turn away from carbonated sugar water, our corporate cola people are starting to get creative. On the fine line between creative and desperate, Coca Cola execs are throwing money at Ben Carson. Pepsi, on the other hand, is taking a decidedly different path.

“I’ll have a Pepsi Clear Collins, please,” is one terrible drink you’ll conceivably be able to order at Pepsi’s new Kola House set to open this year in Chelsea. The Kola House will have space for live music and conceptual kola kocktails for all the beautiful people who want an expensive prix fixe meal refreshingly paired with 9 Pepsi varietals.

Pepsi representatives emphasized that the branding will be chill – “a logo here or there, but nothing too obvious.” Good call, fellas. Chalk up another win for the Apocalypse heralding lifestyle otherwise known as New York Values.

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  • Ryan Denniston

    “But the real people who are upset aren’t just those bemoaning the new Barbie as another product of the Politically Correct savages”

    Ferchrissake, all of the Barbies are wearing skirts. Will nothing please you people?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Astronaut Barbie libelz!

      • sw19womble

        Soccer Barbie libels too, also!

        • DahBoner

          Yoga “no pants” look libelz also to…

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Aren’t yoga pants also called stockings in some old fashioned circles?

      • Ryan Denniston

        I see I am not up on my Barbies. I figured the picture was representative.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          No worries, they’ve done a kajillion of these things. and it’s mostly about the outfits.

  • Joe Beese
  • Latverian Diplomat

    This is a clever way to get collectors to buy three of everything.

    But wake me up when they introduce “Pear-shaped Barbie”.

    • sw19womble

      Hey! I resemble that remark!
      (about obsessive-compulsive collection, not the pear-shape)

  • Thaumaturgist

    All I want to know is when they’re coming out with the Inflatable Barbie.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    More trouble from a Ranch out west. FFS!

  • shastakoala

    I’m still waiting for hot flash Barbie. You know the one you can slam against the wall and it doesn’t break.

  • xy

    until they make a Barbie with pubic hair i’m not interested.

    • JustPixelz

      Until then, you’ll just have to settle for porn. OH WAIT!

  • Thaumaturgist

    Nor is it going to be Enbridge’s fault of Line 5 bursts right under the Straights of Makinac.

    • Toomush_Infer

      They keep ramping up the pressure….oooh!….

  • DerrickWildcat

    Whoa, who’s that chick on the left in the top pic? She is perfect.

  • Ricky Gay

    This Barbie theme doesn’t suck! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u25__HY4XwE

  • ManchuCandidate

    Thanks Exxon!

    Thanks for sticking your heads up your ass and pretending that man made global climate change wasn’t a thing for 40 years. Thanks for paying a bunch of shit heeled right wing money whores to spout lies to the media and using idiot rubes to fight “hippy environmentalists” on opinion pages all around the world.

    I’ll remember that as when you and I fight for the last drop of clean water while wearing assless chaps and football pads. I promise I won’t be so polite about it.

    • Rebecca Gardner

      All chaps are assless. If chaps had an ass they would be called pants.

    • DahBoner

      Football?

      What kind of girly-man way is that to settle differences with rivals…

    • JustPixelz

      Republicans (AOTK) say climate scientists falsify data and results to please whoever gives them grant money. How much money does it take for a Republican politician say/do what a donor wants?

      • eddi

        Buy them season tickets to their favorite team and you own them. It has never been an issue that you could buy a Congressman, it is how pathetically cheap they are.

  • sw19womble

    As a doll collector, I have never liked ‘classic’ Barbies. Their vapid smiles; really, really weird dimensions; only ever came in blonde; etc… Most of the ones I get in bundles from Ebay get turned into Zombies, or else end up in the bottom of one of my ‘pending’ boxes.
    I love the now-discontinued ‘My Scene’ Barbies, which had fuller face, if not figures, and they also had more ethnicity. The boys were all different flavours too, and again avoided the dingbat preppy look of the ‘classic’ Ken.
    These new ones are great, especially being of different heights. I think Mattel learned a few things from the success and popularity of the Monster High dolls… and maybe also a natural progression from the (appallingly named) Barbie Fashionistas to finally get their arse in gear and come up with some ‘real life’ looking dolls… even if these are currently only online, testing the market.

    • nmmagyar

      I can’t help but think that the differing height and body styles is more a scam to keep kids from being able to use the clothes and accessories across the whole line. (Forgive me here, but I don’t know the new dolls’ names, or if they are all just Barbie), but full figured Babrie’s ball gown will not fit Short, Asian Barbie – so child will need to have two gowns. I grew up with sisters, and even if child A only has one doll, she will play with B, C and D (unless D is being an asshole that day, like she was last week. Ugh, D is SOOOO hard to get along with). Part of the fun seemed to be being able to share clothes and shit between friends (except E, she always rubs boogers on everything)

      • sw19womble

        Hmm good point. I tend to adapt outfits and clothes for particular characters/dolls, so I’m used to a bit of sewing and hemming and stuff. (also some boys-to-girls and girls-to-boys unisexing). But then when the outfit’s done, it’s done.
        Mass-production is one of the reasons why there was only one body type. And that in no way excuses the body type they chose, nor the lack of diversity. Again, why I never liked the classic Barbie.
        However, buying more outfits for each body type … it’s a price I’d be willing to pay.

        • nmmagyar

          I agree that having more body types represented is a good thing, but I can’t bring myself to think that Mattel, after all the years of protest, made the changes out of altruism.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            they learned by watching all the video game thingies with all the characters and discs you have to buy to keep upgraded.
            Probably. As a parent, I hate those fucking games with a passion.

  • ZangoCrudmonger

    Jeebus, feels like Sunday. If we are going to Barbie, let’s mix it up.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    When I was a kid, my folks would not buy me a Ken doll (they did buy me the brown looking barbie- no she wasn’t really, she was just a brown haired mailibu but the result looked more me and less aryan so that was cool). I thought it was because he was boy and I girl and they were dorks, but it turns out they were poorer than I thought and really couldn’t afford that much and I should have been more greatful. But anyway, I HAD inherited my sister’s 3 barbies so I took one and sawed off the boobs with my dad’s hack saw and lo, they are hollow inside.
    I packed that one and taped it with medical tape to make it the boy in all the Barbie dream weddings, but I took a second one and my brothers and I packed the cavity with fireworks and then set it off. Outside of course, we were safety minded kids.
    From what I understand, they were finding bits of plastic for years after that.

    • sw19womble

      Sex-Change Barbie FTW!

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        There is a side note to the story: I am still mostly attracted to smaller, wirey looking guys with lotsa hair. I blame lack of ken doll.

        • sw19womble

          Teen Wolf?

    • eggsacklywright

      Michael Bay Barbie!

      • Doug Langley

        Everything around her blows up.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Set the wayback machine…

      One of the borderline psychopaths I used to work with took his daughter’s talking barbie and modified it just for work. He kept it with him at all times. Any time someone said something ‘specially moronic he’d whip it out and ‘hit play’

      “Math is hard!”

      • baconzgood

        When I was in college I dated a girl (a SubGenius no less) who was a member of the BLO and we used to go to toy stores and buy a bunch of dolls and change thier voice boxes.

        https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbie_Liberation_Organization

        • Mr Corrections

          I linked to a BLO news clip a month or so back. “Dead men tell no tales” Barbie was my favourite, although G.I. “Wanna go shopping” Joe was also great.

    • baconzgood

      You were a strange child. If you were in my 3rd grade class I would have asked you to eat paste with me.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I was one of seven. You either get weird, or you get buried.
        Actually, I was partially buried once, by a sister in a sand put filled with dead jellyfish when vacationing at the NJ shore. I was on crutches at the time, and she was pretty mean in those days.
        But I meant in the philisophical sense.

  • eggsacklywright

    Which Barbie gives blowjobs to the needy?

  • DahBoner

    Next thing they’re going to tell us is that maps are only “symbolic representations” of reality and are NOT TO SCALE!!!1!1!
    https://media3.giphy.com/media/oXB0K4oFw3fck/200w_d.gif

  • topjob66t

    Where oh where did you get that porn video singy thing. I lost some brain cells on watching that for sure. Good ole Ken shared way too many wink winks don’t you think. I did enjoy the dismemberment part though. That was real.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      I have GOT to be the only person in the universe who actually really likes that song. Yes, I’m serious. But then, I listen mostly to full-on trance, so there’s that. Fortunately, I’d never seen the video until today – but I still like the song.

  • Forthrast

    When my daughter was that age, no matter what Barbies we bought her it seemed that her collection consisted entirely of Multiple-Amputee Barbies.

    • sw19womble

      You should see the state of a job-lot of Monster High dolls on Ebay. It’s like a civil war re-enactment.

    • Playonwords

      Obviously a surgeon in training

      • The Wanderer

        Or a Wednesday Addams wannabe.

    • DemmeFatale

      Yep.
      They could save us a lot of time by making “Headless Barbie.”
      Or just selling the heads. (Look! You can do her hair!)
      http://www.amazon.com/Barbie-Deluxe-Styling-Head-Playset/dp/B009899S7U

    • Empy

      My daughter is just barely leaving this age, and always hated Barbies. But she loved Monster High. I was recently trying to help her reorganize the remains of her ‘toys’ and was sorting her dolls…. there were, like 4 intact? The rest were missing a lower arm, both legs, one hand and a lower leg, etc.

      I don’t know if I should be worried.

      • sw19womble

        Nope, they’ve got very delicate-yet-robust sockets. I love them because they’re so poseable, but they can snap off with just a ‘moderate’ amount of roughhousing, usually leaving the prong inside the joint, or the hip ‘prong’ snapped off. A bit too fiddly to repair, only worth it with a rare model.
        Same issue with Ever After dolls, who have the same sort of skeleton.
        Sorry, I’m a doll nerd. This is so in my wheelhouse :)

  • TheBidenator

    I thought that Christina Hendricks link was going to go to something fappable, not some long essay trying to make me think….I feel cheated :-(

    • nmmagyar

      But could you fap to it?

  • Anarchy Pony

    I really hope every exxon exec responsible for the disinfo campaigns end up against the wall. Millions of deaths will be on your hands you fucking parasites!

  • JustPixelz

    “As Americans slowly turn away from carbonated sugar water…”

    Angular momentum is a bitch.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      Counter steer.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Torque about irony.

  • Count Awesome

    When will Mattel make bi-curious barbie and her butch “friend”?

    • Playonwords

      Already done. Barbie and Xena were often sold as a pair because girls knew Barbie always came with Xena

      • sw19womble

        Build-your-own Gabrielle ;)

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        So a little girl asks Santa for a Barbie, and a GI Joe.
        Santa says “Little girl, you are confuzzled, Barbie comes with Ken”
        And she goes “Oh no, Barbie is SOLD with Ken. She only comes with GI Joe”

        And I will show myself out.

        • Jonny On Maui

          And we have today’s winner!!

          Diane, show her what’s she’s won…

        • The Wanderer

          You have made me giggle.

        • Bitter Scribe

          The right kind of kung-fu grip can do amazing things.

    • Anarchy Pony

      That’s what imagination is for. Goddamn kids these days…

    • eggsacklywright

      Softball Barbie!

      • baconzgood

        Judges?
        Yes. We would have also accepted LPGA Barbie.

  • TheBidenator

    Yes the worst Exxon is going to get for their behavior is to have to bow their heads while they are yelled at a bit, the GOP will kill all attempts to make them liable for anything or to force greater scrutiny on their behavior by empowering regulators so yeah…yay! It’s been proven Exxon knew about climate change.

    • zerosumgame0005

      Bernie might even vote for a bill to protect them from liability…

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I don’t know why it took Mattel so long to figure out that little girls want a doll that looks like them. When I was a little girl, in the late 50’s, Barbie only came in one version – with a blonde ponytail and blue eyes and enough blue eye shadow to kill a cat. I did not want a Barbie doll because I was a brunette. I wanted Barbie’s Best Friend, Midge, who had a brunette flip, so my mother bought me a Midge doll. Surely Mattel understood this phenomenon 55 years ago. because they sold a lot of Midge dolls.

    Eventually Mattel released a set of three Barbie replacement heads – with long blonde, brunette and red hair. You could pop off your blonde Barbie’s head and pop on the replacements. These sold like hotcakes in the early 60’s, but then mysteriously disappeared.

    • sw19womble

      Hence the appearance of the My Scene line in the early 00’s. Ethnicity, hair color and ‘swappin’ styles’ head and shoulders you could pop off and on a series of bodies.
      Again they phased them out. Mattel are very weird like that.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Is it because Mattel is run by WASP males?

        • sw19womble

          Hmmm let’s see, shall we?
          http://corporate.mattel.com/about-us/

          • Celtic_Gnome

            It looks like a Republican debate line up.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Yep, all WASP males. What I can’t figure out is why I had to update Flash to view this web page. Why do they have to use Flash on a simple page that lists their executives?? There is no animation on this page. Sometimes, just occasionally, I miss the old days of DOS and bulletin boards.

      • witsended

        Try the British Sindy dolls from the early 60’s to early 80’s, I believe they outsold Barbie.
        Think she was ruined when bought by an American toy firm who tried to turn her into a Barbie clone.

    • Gil

      I could never relate to my Barbie…She is the type of girl who had a trampoline in the back yard……. Chesty Morgan

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I was luckier than most girls. . . my mother and sister sewed dozens of outfits for my Barbie, including ethnic costumes from around the world, and ball gowns made from scraps of satin and tulle from the dimestore bargain basement. It was the clothes that interested me, not the doll. You could also buy packages of shoes and purses and jewelry to match the clothes, as well as packages of tiny zippers and tiny buttons and tiny ric-rac and such for sewing your own Barbie clothes. It was a good lesson in fashion and design. But the doll herself was pretty useless – her ams and legs had no flexible joints in those days.

        • nmmagyar

          Upfist for “ric-rac”, my guys calls it that and clerks just look at him with a blank stare.

        • cmd

          I give my mom credit for buying me a “Tammy” doll instead of Barbie. I think she did it because she thought Barbie was too booby and thus sinful, but Tammy was much more realistic as a teenager. Then, one of her friends sewed me some amazing clothes for a birthday present.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I remember the Tammy doll. There were also little girl dolls about the same size as Barbie called “Betsy McCall” dolls, which had jointed arms and legs. You could buy them from McCall’s magazine, and I had two of them. My mother made dresses for them that matched my own.

            https://clevelanddollclub.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/display-betsy-mccall-22-e1435769576924.jpg

          • cmd

            Those are cool. The ones my mom’s friend made were amazing. Tammy came with Tennis shoes and even her dress shoes were relatively low-heeled, so she didn’t have those deformed feet like Barbies did.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Well, I could never relate to Ken, GI Joe or He-Man, but I bought ’em.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          I had Captain Action with the Superman, Batman, and Aquaman costumes. They had rubber masks that covered the whole head for each costume. The Captain himself sported a stylish blue and black uniform with a spiffy Captain’s hat and a gun and lightning bold sword.

    • Ducksworthy

      Mattel, Exxon. Yes they knew but they just didn’t care.

    • Fat Mermaid

      Actually, as a blonde-haired blue-eyed little girl, my favourite was Miko, Barbie’s Polynesian/Hawaiian(?) friend. Barbie did look like me, but I liked my brown-skinned, black-haired doll the best. I had blonde Barbies, but they always got relegated into “supporting cast” when I was playing, while Miko rode dragons and tigers and cast magic spells and had other adventures.

      I might be an outlier, though.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        After my time, I’m afraid, but I saw ads for Miko in a magazine once, and thought she looked much prettier than Barbie, who frankly I thought was ugly. Barbie looked high-maintenance to me LOL.

  • Anarchy Pony

    And yet I’m still too scared to talk to any of them…

  • frrolfe

    Who can forget: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZbDQnhO128

    ETA “Romney Girl”

  • Callyson

    Barbie will now be offered in tall, petite, and curvy body types.

    I’m holding out for Body Builder Barbie…

  • Playonwords

    When I get into arguments extensive frank exchanges of views wit climate science deniers they will always trot out the idea that the majority of climate sciences are inventing climate change “for the grant money.” Of course the few scientists that deny climate change are, in the view of the morons my interlocutors are only doing it for love of the fossil fuel industry.

    ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

  • Callyson

    Now California has joined the act like they’re not just trying to keep up with the east coast elites or something.

    We just like to sleep in sometimes.

    Seriously, fuck Exxon Mobil with a chainsaw of lawsuits and prosecutions and profit losses…

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …lying to the public? Who cares!!! Lying to investors? Time to burn that bitch down!!!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …the only way you would be able to get congress to investigate Exxon is if Hillary sent them email from her private server

    • Toomush_Infer

      It would just remain [redacted]….

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    I’m going to collect them all.

    • btwbfdimho

      I’m broke, so I’d rather photoshop all of them.

      • Doug Langley

        If you’re really broke, go with GIMP. Photoshop costs every fucking month.

  • Vecciojohn LLC
    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Frobes: repository for ALL the important stories.
      Also, wtf do they expect when this impossibly built standard is thrust into all these kid’s hands who can’t identify with em at all?

  • BeliTsari

    I thought Barbie was modeled after the owner’s daughter (Ashkenazi Ukranian?) I just figured she’d been doing-up a shitload of cocaine while banging schawtzes?

    • The Wanderer

      Urgggk . . . too . . . much cute . . . must . . . do . . . Shatner impression . . .

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    ? Oh I could love a million girls . . .

  • Ducksworthy

    Microcephaly is seen as an asset in some quarters.

    • nmmagyar

      Outside the RNC?

      • The Wanderer

        In the RNC, it’s hydrocephaly. They’re all waterheads.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Optical rectocephaly. Horrible vision on account of having their heads up their asses.

          • Markuserektus

            Probably a crappy outlook at best…

  • btwbfdimho

    The Divorced Barbie.

    One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.

    He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?”

    The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir?

    We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95”.

    The amazed father asks: “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

    The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.

    • shoeflyin

      Sorry… But is this ‘joke’ from the 70’s? As a divorced woman who got exactly half of the marital assets (and guess what, over the life of the marriage I contributed over half of the earnings – not to mention doing most of the housework and home maintenance) for some reason this strikes me as offensive and sexist. I lurk here a lot and enjoy most of the humor, but I needed to let you know it doesn’t really work that way.

    • Jenny

      Barbie was the bad ass liberated woman driving the ferrari, dammit! Ken was the eye candy.

  • Eh, get back to me when there’s a Karen Finley Barbie.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7606pBOZlo

  • The Wanderer

    National Geographic was doing articles on climate change back in the 70s, and a science film talked about the dangers of greenhouse gases in 1958. No one can say that no one saw this coming.
    Despite that, Exxon’s board of directors need to be flogged mercilessly.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Just on general principle.

    • LBJ got a document warning of the greenhouse effect in 1965.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        In the (rather excellent) book of Daniel Patrick Moynihan’s letters (Daniel Patrick Moynihan: A Portrait in Letters of an American Visionary), he warns of global warning back in the 70s.

      • ken_kukec

        It was delivered by torpedo to the USS Maddox in the Tonkin Gulf … allegedly.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      It is reminding me, quite a bit, of the entire lead thing.
      The Romans knew lead was bad for you. We “knew” it too, and yet they went on using it anyway pretending everything was hunky dorey. Even villified the scientists who went, damn, this shit is bad for you! for years.
      Very similar, same result: regular folks get fucked. This just happens to be on a large scale of fucked, but then, there is more money in it.

  • cousin itt

    Wake me when they come out with forbidden prom picture Barbie–eeeepppic.

  • baconzgood

    Baconz Barbie:

    Snarky, well read, wears makeup rarely, can hold her booze, hates country music, and always wears the same ripped hoddie even though she has a dozen others that are clean.

    In fact that is pretty much every woman I dated…

    • ken_kukec

      Got any phone numbers left? That’s in my wheelhouse, too.

      • baconzgood

        Once a girl dates a guy like Baconz, they NEEEVER date a guy like Baconz again (and not in a good way either).

  • JohnBull

    Donald Trump is still waiting for Megyn Kelly Barbie.

    • Paperless Tiger

      My daughter gave Barbie a haircut that would probably work for that, but the cat stole Barbie’s head for a toy so we’ll have to start over.

      • ken_kukec

        I think Megyn looks pretty good with that new leonine haircut — may the Lord have mercy on my soul — making the successful segue from aging girl to young mature.

        Then again, I’ve thawed on her a bit ever since she grabbed Karl Rove by the ear and marched him to the vice-principal’s polling office on election night 2012.

        Matter of fact, if someone would put a bag over her white-Santa comment, I might just … just … nah, it’ll never come to that.

  • Swampgas_Man

    My local bar has Coors and Jagermeister neon posters all over the walls, what’s the big deal about Pepsi?

  • Apple Scruff

    Another thing no one has touched in is that with all these different sized Barbies, the dolls won’t be able to share clothes. So parents now need to buy different outfits for different sized Babs ($$$!!!) Very sneaky, Mattel.

    • ken_kukec

      Or buy the Barbie sewing machine accessory and make the alterations themselves.

    • Jenny

      I bought a barbie for a friend’s kid this Christmas. It’s actually stupidly hard to find barbie outfits period. I thought maybe it was just a Christmas thing so I went to the Barbie aisle yesterday, and still no clothes. Buy a new doll if you want a new outfit!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Kinda like ink cartridges for printers.

    • eddi

      Doesn’t anyone make sewing patterns for Barbie clothes anymore? My sisters had great fun with Mom and learned to use her old Singer. Typical guy I am, I relied on their skills to fix my buttons and patches.

  • 451 Byrnes

    The butt-hurt lady in the “Don’t change Barbie” link must be really fun at parties. Oh wait, she can’t even get ready for parties (because she can’t stand change!).

    • SessileRaptor

      I couldn’t even get halfway through it, honestly if we could just replace every BS thinkpiece like that with “I use to be happy because the world revolved around me and my preferences 100% of the time, and now thanks to the internet I am forced to see that those things I thought were background characters in my life are people with opinions who are starting to make the world only revolve around me 85% of the time and I don’t like that so I want it to stop!” the world would be a better place.

      • 451 Byrnes

        Yeah, all I could think about was how her head must have exploded when they stuck peanut butter AND pretzels in M&Ms…

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          What? When did this happen? Why wasn’t I informed about this?

      • ken_kukec

        And she’s got some nerve not signing that opinion piece ‘Mrs. [her husband’s name]”.

        • Shibusa

          Mrs. Ken Carson.

        • eddi

          What else would you expect of a “traditional values” lady?

      • eddi

        The Internet can narrow the mind amazingly.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Carbonated soft drinks have been bombing for years. Coca-Cola and Pepsi tried to fend this off by getting heavily into bottled water, but people are catching on to that too. This is hitting Coca-Cola especially hard, since beverages is all they do. At least Pepsi has Frito-Lay–Americans will never lose their appetites for fried starch.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Ah, yes, Dasani. Being of a British persuasion, I was amazed to see it still being sold in the US when I moved here in 2008. Still sold to this day, I believe.

    • ken_kukec

      Maybe Pepsi can re-launch a new, more-realistic model of the Frito Bandito …

      • eddi

        Eli Wallach forever.

        • BeliTsari

          If you gotta shoot, SHOOT… don’t feel around for no gummi dildo!

    • Anarchy Pony

      Especially what with the legalized marijuana…

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        The orange food group is the IMORTANT food group…..at times

      • eddi

        Cannabis flavored corn chips? Or would too many customers explode?

  • Bitter Scribe

    I wish I could find a link to this: Some artist once made a Barbie-style doll in the realistic proportions of a physically fit 19-year-old girl. It was actually kind of hot.

  • EfiniX

    That’s Galia. She’s a nice woman.

  • ken_kukec

    That’s one way to force Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes to rethink the Fox News business plan, I guess.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Wake me up when we get barbies that look like real women but which say things I only like and which can change skin and hair color instantly depending on my mood.

    Until then, I don’t care about “dolls”.

    Apologies if anybody else already had this idea.

  • Shibusa

    I call her Flo.

    • Mavenmaven

      That’s how Trump sees Megyn Kelly.

    • Jonathan Lawson

      Look how she made poor Ken bleed from his whatever…

      • Paul Duca

        He never had one…that’s why his underwear was molded on–unlike hers.

  • btwbfdimho

    Why is that Real OMG Barbie smiling at the Zika Barbie?https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/barbie.png

  • DahBoner

    When people inquire about Punk’s Pepsi tattoo, he often replies ‘I like Pepsi’…
    http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/015/orly.jpg

    • vivian

      Taitz?

  • Vegan and Tiara

    “If I’m elected I’ll make Barbie a 10 again. I’ll make Mattel pay to put Barbie’s tits back on again. Barbie should look more like my daughter, Ivanka, because she’s totally hot and I’d definitely bang her if she wasn’t my daughter. You’re welcome, America. I’m sick of this political correctness, it’s disgusting, Megyn Kelly bleeding out of her wherevers, Hillary Clinton doing disgusting things I don’t even want to talk about, out of her old lady wherevers. It’s disgusting, this country is going down the drain.”
    Donald Trump

    • Badger33

      Classy and luxurious too.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        YOOOGE!!!!!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I’d never seen an extended segment of a Trump rally until his veterans debate counter-programming. It’s true what people say. Money can’t buy class.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        If you’ve ever been to the Trump Tower in NYC you’d know money can’t buy class. What an extravaganza of gold and marble, and none of it attractive.

  • Badger33

    The traditional Barbie looks like your typical Fox “news” anchor. Made from the same material too.

  • old_redneck

    How about a Bristol Palin Barbie that pops out a baby without a father every year or so?

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Is that the Parton Dolly?

  • Mavenmaven

    All made in China, yet no Asian Barbie?

  • Jenny

    My daughter doesn’t like Barbies. I’ve been sorely disappointed about that because Barbie was my jam growing up.

    Oh well, the stuff they put out now is not nearly as awesome or as nicely made as the stuff I had as a kid. I really did play with the dreamhouse for at least a decade and a half. Truth in advertising! https://youtu.be/eL3oYYbwodo

    • Lambsendbeds

      My Barbie Dream House was made out of cardboard and I had to assemble the furniture. At least, my parents told me it was a real Barbie Dream House…

      • Jenny

        Still better made than the crap they sell today!

      • They shopped at the same place my parents did.

  • ahughes798

    When sis and I were little kids, we had varying amounts of Barbies and Midges. One day, we poked holes where Midges nipples should be, pulled off her head, filled her with milk, blew on her neck, and milk just flew out of Midge’s nipples. She was thereafter known as Lactating Midge. Dolls were only things to destroy in our house.

    • Wow…what a coincidence. Milk squirted out Midge’s nipples…and scotch just squirted out my nose. (that shit hurts, btw)

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Frank Zappa was so proud of his daughter Diva when she melted Barbie’s face with airplane glue, and renamed her Snot Woman. Danged if I wouldn’t be, too…

  • btwbfdimho
  • MrBlobfish

    Do they have a gelatinous body type able to withstand deep-sea water pressure? Asking for me.

  • cmd

    Then there is this cool person who takes sleazy dolls and turns them into normal people, and her mom knits outfits for them.
    http://www.treechangedolls.com.au/

  • Joshua Norton

    New Barbie Body Types
    .

    • Lambsendbeds

      When did they make a Barbie version of Divine?

      • ken_kukec

        A script for “Krispy Kreme Barbie” is in development; Melissa McCarthy is attached as the lead.

    • nightmoth

      No doubt inspired by “People at Wal Mart.”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Bear with me because this sketch by the French comedy genius Florence Foresti, is entirely in French, duh. But I think it is still comprehensible to all, being mostly a physical comedy dismantlement of the expensive Barbie Airplane:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDXIYr8wjTw

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    I recall an episode of Family Guy where Stewie found an On the Raggedy Ann doll.

  • Duke

    Yet another white person problem.

    What I cant fathom is how Barbie became an also-ran to the Bratz dolls. That is, assuming people actually think about the toys they let their kids play with.

  • Me not sure

    I still like the classics,

  • NorthStarSpanx

    They have a Michele Fiore doll? How about a jaw re-aligned Bristol? And the ever-changing rack size of her Mama Grizzly also too?

  • sohadicouldsplit

    I’ll try to be brief:

    “Barbie” was the marketing mechanism created by Ruth Handler, one half of the married couple that started Mattel, to sell a barely revised copy of the German conceived and manufactured “Bild Lilli” doll, herself a 3-D creation of a then popular newspaper cartoon nymph/sexpot. Ruth was visiting Europe, bought a couple of the dolls, and had her team re-create it with a couple of improvements (rooted hair and bare feet), but basically she was a near-copy of the Teutonic female sexual ideal– Barbie is NOT American in origin! And she was handicapped from the get-go to “prove” she was not specifically a scintillating, stacked siren born for the singular pleasure of exciting men, even though this was her original intention and that body proved it–DDouble time!!! While (initially anyway) looking more like a 24 yr old high class call girl (who else could afford that wardrobe– a “teenage fashion model” I think not) her bodaciousness was the source of decades of angst for many a human female, and immediate bearding gimmicks were trotted out (she’s a nurse! a stewardess! an astronaut!) to “bind her chest” so to speak, in attempts to address that. But part of the marketing that worked phenomenally well specific to little kids (Barbie first entered my life in 1962!), since the sexuality was (mostly) over our heads, was that Barbie was then just a (heavily made-up) pretty girl who had a packed wardrobe available for fun and frolic (if you were lucky enough to be so indulged. Barbie-envy in the 60’s was NOT pretty), and yes, to then “project” your fantasy upon. It would have been impossible for Barbie to have been honestly marketed back then– who on earth in 60’s America would buy a call girl-doll for a child I ask you?! What she was/is for some of us (and remains– I still collect vintage B.) is the 20th century equivalent of the antique French (Germany also shares a long, storied history of quality doll making) fashion dolls; an archival mannequin with wardrobe and accessories of a time past and nevermore.

    Your fantasy may vary.

    It’s also quite possible that her boobs never bothered me because I’m a gay boy.

  • Crushing on the guy playing Ken.

  • Bill Slider

    I assume the tall skinny Barbie with the extraordinary rack is a fan favorite on the Greek island of Lesbos.

  • Hardly Ideal

    Mrs. Ideal has been thinking about “modifying” a Barbie to look like her death knight from Warcraft, complete with the evil glowing eyes. I am 100% okay with this.

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